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Here’s another pick that I found when going down the Instagram rabbit hole. Apparently, Jack Osbourne’s (son of Ozzy and Sharon) soon-to-be-former wife, Lisa, has an online sprinkle company. When I clicked the link in her bio, I had no idea what to expect from a company named “Fancy Sprinkles.” Well! Indeed they are very fancy and very fun. I wanted to add every product to my cart and I’m not even an avid baker. I have no idea what the price point is for unfancy sprinkles, but $8–$9 is cheap enough to indulge my inner child… and my actual child. Since I’m not one of those people who can whip up a fondant cake, these sprinkles could make even canned frosting look professional. You eat with your eyes first, right? The pictured mix is called Hop Scotch, but the site’s other offerings include Roller Disco, Purple Pony Party, and Mr. Gatsby, just to name a few. Fancy Sprinkles
POSITA says
I love little treats like this. It’s the sort of thing that makes life feel special.
avocado says
I am really liking April’s fun and unexpected picks.
AIMS says
Me too. This is actually quite timely for me – my daughter has started getting pickier about what she will eat and a few sprinkles on her morning oatmeal gets her to eat the whole bowl.
lsw says
Same! Nice work, April.
HSAL says
Yeah, I’ve really enjoyed all of her picks and commentary, even when it’s not a product I’m interested in.
EB0220 says
I keep meaning to post that I think April is doing a great job! Her tone is really similar to Kat’s, I think, while also being unique to her. Thumbs up.
anon says
I desperately want the My Little Pony sprinkles for my own birthday …
A says
Suggestions for a low-key fourth birthday party? I am due with a baby at the end of the month, and my daughter will be turning four in mid-July. She has been talking about and (apparently) planning her party for months, largely because we are now reaching the age where her buddies from preschool are all having birthday parties. My husband and I are both on board to do SOMETHING, but I have no idea how much mental bandwidth we’ll have. We can keep the guest list relatively small and consisting of parents and children we know and are already friends with. One thought is to have it at the park/splash pad down the street, which would be convenient unless the weather is bad, in which case it would be at our house.
Am I crazy to consider doing this? Any suggestions for low maintenance games/food/etc.? I know she will be delighted by whatever we end up with, so any pressure will be solely self-imposed.
EB0220 says
We had a party last summer for my 3 year old at this indoor play room. It was basically a bunch of normal toys, in an air-conditioned room plus an attendant to help with cake, etc. It was GREAT and cheap and low-key and no worries about the weather!
Anonymous says
Yeah, kids this young don’t need a distinction between a “party” and a large playdate with cake.
avocado says
I highly recommend outsourcing the party. I have found that it’s actually less expensive to have a party at an outside venue than at my house, and it’s so much less stressful. You can sit back and enjoy watching the kids have fun instead of worrying about how to keep them all happy and safe. You don’t have to clean your house before or after the party. You can get by with no decorations and just cake, instead of a meal or lots of snacks. And these types of parties are super exciting for little kids. We had some very inexpensive ones at a gymnastics gym (a real one, not a toddler gym like the Little Gym) and the YMCA rock wall. Other ideas are the YMCA pool, private swim club, bowling, roller skating or ice skating, botanical garden, paint-your-own pottery, canvas painting (those places that do wine and paint nights also do kids’ parties), children’s museum, science museum, martial arts studio, dance studio…
FVNC says
I agree with outsourcing! Our daughter had her 4th birthday party at the Little Gym when we had a 5 month old, and it worked out really well. It was a bit expensive, but we didn’t pay for anything extra other than cake and a few pizzas (i.e., no gift bags or decorations)….and it was worth it not to have to worry about entertainment or cleaning up. Plus, there’s a hard stop time at places like this, so you won’t have to worry about people lingering when it’s time to feed the baby, but him/her down for a nap, etc.
Anon in NYC says
I agree. I am all about low-key, at-home/outdoor birthday parties, homemade birthday cake, etc., but this sounds like the ideal time to outsource! You don’t want to have to worry about hosting people in your house 2-4 weeks after giving birth, or entertaining children and adults.
In terms of food, a lot of people around me do pizza + cake/cookies, with some additional stuff like sandwiches for adults. Beverages are usually water, milk, maybe soda/beer.
Knope says
I don’t think you’re crazy unless there’s a chance that the party will be within a week of you giving birth (which would be tough because you’d still be in the thick of physical recovery). Assuming that you are mostly physically recovered, I think this is a good chance to get out of the house, and hopefully family or friends can help. Is there a park near you with an indoor community room on premises? I think that might be ideal because then if the weather is bad you’re not stuck at home. But splash pad sounds great too!
AIMS says
Not quite what you asked, but we just went to something similar and one thing that I think helped is the parents left the baby with a caregiver nearby so she wouldn’t be exposed to all the germs etc of party guests. I think this made it easier on the parents too and helped the bday kid feel like the center of attention.
Anonymous says
Definitely outsource. I was you last year (oldest turning 4, weeks old infant at the time) and we went to a bounce house place. They took care of literally everything except the cake, which I just picked up from the grocery store. My oldest loved it and the newborn slept in her car seat the entire time.
mascot says
Ice Cream sundae parties are a hit and you can find cute accessories/ favors (if you must).
SC says
I’d outsource the party to an indoor playroom.
I planned a low-key birthday party at a nearby park for my son’s 3rd birthday. The party was planned for a Sunday morning. A couple of days before the party, there was a 100% chance of thunderstorms on Sunday. We had to move the party indoors. Our apartment can’t host people, and for various reasons we couldn’t move the time, so we went with an indoor play room.
We spent $125 on reserving the picnic shelter at the park (non-refundable), $50 on a deposit for a bounce house (now have to use this year), $200 on decorations I wouldn’t have bought (I returned some), and $500 on the indoor playroom. Obviously, the park would have been cheaper than the indoor playroom, but not that much cheaper. Paying for 2 parties s*cked.
SC says
Just adding–the indoor playroom would have been cheaper if I’d originally planned to have the party there. Since we intended to have the party at the park, I took a “the more the merrier” approach with invitations, and we ended up with like 25 kids. I could have easily kept it to about 12 kids. Then the park party and the indoor playroom would have probably been the same price.
Meg Murry says
If you are thinking of doing it outdoors, and the kids are probably still nappers, consider having the party from 10-11:30 instead of in the afternoon. It will be cooler than the mid-day heat, and you won’t have to worry about people skipping because it’s mid-nap.
Otherwise, I agree with everyone else that if you’ll likely have a 2-4 week old at that point, outsourcing now is probably the way to go. And I also agree with the others that it would be a good idea to see if you can bring in a nanny/babysitter/relative to be mainly on infant duty so you can sit down and focus on your 4 year old.
At 3 and 4, when asked what they wanted for their birthday, both my kids said “cupcakes and balloons” and sometimes added something like “candles to blow out” or “everyone sings to me” . Ask you daughter what “birthday” means to her and you may find that it’s something easy like that, and as long as you hit those points she’ll be happy with whatever the rest of the party consists of.
Alternately, is her birthday during the week, and is she at daycare? Could you ask about sending a treat to daycare for her birthday (store bought fruit salad perhaps, or mini-muffins if the school wants something healthy-ish instead of cupcakes)? That way she can “celebrate” on the day of with her friends, and then you can arrange something very small with 1-2 good friends for the weekend before or after like a trip to the splash pad.
EB0220 says
I love Meg Murry’s idea to just bring a treat to daycare. A bunch of my daughter’s classmates have done this, and all of the kids were thrilled. One parent even brought party favors in addition to cupcakes and everyone was super happy.
octagon says
The morning birthday party at a park is very popular in our set. Parents/helpers show up 30 minutes early to a pavilion (if it can be reserved), set out dozens of donuts, coffee boxes, fruit salad and juice and water bottles from costco. Kids play for an hour and then there is cake/cupcakes, then they play some more. It’s easy, the parents have a chance to visit and then everyone goes home for an afternoon nap.
shortperson says
i would also lightly ask your daughter about her vision. apparently now that she’ approaching 4 my daughter is very focused on goody bags. that’s an easy thing to do in advance. but if i skipped that she’d be super bummed. she also has a frozen theme in mind but that apparently can be resolved by my giving her a birthday card with elsa on it. check.
GCA says
I love planning parties, and our guest lists have an alarming tendency to balloon (and this year everyone RSVPed yes – yikes!), but if there was ever a time to outsource, it’s now! I would be in no state to coordinate a party with a newborn, unless I had some extra help (husband plus other family, someone to make the Costco run and someone to wrangle the cleaning/ preschooler). I also like the suggestion to celebrate at daycare with a fruit platter and mini muffins.
A says
Thanks, all! This is very helpful. We will look at options for outsourcing and are definitely going to set the date of the party out a week or two after her actual birthday. Thankfully, my in-laws are close by and will enthusiastically pitch in, so we’ll make it all work somehow.
Anonymous says
I’m way too cheap to outsource (and when outsourced parties cost $600+ near me cannot imagine how that can be cheaper than DIY, at least the way I DIY). I think if you can lay in the supplies in advance and have help on the day of, it isn’t a terrible idea. I would do it at the park with a rain date instead of moving inside as Plan B, have pizza delivered, store-bought cake or cupcakes, and let your daughter pick out plates/napkins etc. You can buy the partyware, favors (i recommend water squirters, the kind made out of pool noodles are great for little kids), and juiceboxes now. You could also ask if some of the other parents could each be in charge of something – e.g., ask 1 family if they can pick up the pizza if you can’t get it delivered, 1 to pick up the cake (preorder and prepay), etc. I would love to do that for a family with a new baby. You could also schedule it closer to the end of July in case the baby is late. Prep an evite in advance.
Anonymous says
Holy cow! The range for outsourced parties where we are is more like $180 – 300. My DIYs cost in the $400+ range with crafts, food, games, decorations, etc.
avocado says
That was me. My name is not sticking.
Anonymous says
I’m in Brooklyn and nearly had a heart attack when I accidentally saw the bill at a party I was attending at BounceU. I think it was over $700! It’s nuts. I’m glad to hear there are greener pastures though – I could definitely see spending $200 or so to outsource.
Anonymous says
PS – not that I am anti-outsourcing, I just can’t personally bring myself to spend what it costs in my area. If you can swing it it would certainly be easier with a new baby.
Matchings Part Deux says
Old Navy is also selling matching/coordinated family outfits now, or at least mom/daughter and dad/son. Similar to Target’s, not really my cup of tea, but if you like tropical prints, lots and lots of tropical prints…
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/category.do?cid=1108994&sop=true
Lana Del Raygun says
THESE ARE SO CUTE I’M DYING. I’m low-key considering buying them and just putting them in the closet until I have a kid the right size.
Anonymous says
Hahaha soooo many tropical prints. I sort of sub-consciously dress my daughter to match me and then don’t realize it until we’re out in public.
J says
I think Old Navy has used the same prints across as many sizes/audiences as they can for a while, but they haven’t made it easy to pick out like this before. I’ve noticed clothes for both my daughter and me in the same print before. Across seasons, too. I always assumed it was more of a cost-saving strategy on their end than anything. I sort of imagine these giant warehouses of cheap, bulk material that last like three years ;-) Not that I have anything against Old Navy. A good portion of both my daughter’s and my wardrobe are Old Navy. I’ve really liked their stuff the last few years.
Anonymous says
Yes, there have definitely been times when I’ve been browsing adult dresses and then noticed the exact same dress in toddler sizes!
avocado says
Athleta does this with leggings. My 11-year-old and I may or may not have attended yoga in matching outfits last weekend.
shortperson says
my 3 yo takes yoga at her preschool which may or may not be me getting her ready for this.
GCA says
aside – a 2 year old doing downward dog and cobra is just about the cutest thing ever. (I barely do yoga – kiddo picked it up from daycare last year…)
AwayEmily says
Whenever my husband dresses my daughter (this happens rarely, because picking out toddler outfits is a great joy of my life) he picks out clothes that match his. So they will both come downstairs wearing jeans, red t-shirts, and a blue hoodie and be SO PROUD. It is adorable.
Anon says
My husband does this too. And if I get dressed before him, he picks out a shirt to match whatever I’m wearing.
CPA Lady says
Also, FWIW, a few of the XL cat and jack kids dresses at target are quite roomy. I’m petite, but I wear size 8 in pants and have a 32DD chest, and got the Sleeveless Gingham Woven Dress in XL for me and XS for my kid.
AwayEmily says
!!!! this is potentially life-changing news.
SC says
I love these! Apparently, I’m a sucker for tropical prints :-)
anon says
No. Non fancy sprinkles are about $2 and don’t look that much different. Not worth $8 in my opinion.
PregAnon says
My mom just suggested in jest that we hire a good friend of ours as a nanny. It was a joke but got me thinking… has anyone had success with a friend as a nanny?
This guy is a self-employed (read: unemployed) attorney, who was largely a stay-at-home dad for several years. His daughters are in school now. He is very very poor and has recently gone through a rough divorce. He stays with us occasionally and dog/house sits sometimes when we’re out of town. He loves kids, is responsible when it matters, and is great with our three large dogs (which are a big reason we aren’t even considering a nanny).
I’m pregnant and freaked by the cost of daycare. What prompted this is that the friend is staying with us now and being super helpful. Like, he offered to mouse-proof our whole house when we’re away next week and has been walking our dogs. I also wonder (perhaps unfairly…) if we could pay him a more reasonable rate than daycare considering he is somewhat desperate for employment and has never nannied before. Taking this to extremes, we also rent out the bottom floor of our house. The tenant’s lease ends around when I’ll go back to work, maybe we could even work out some kind of room/board situation with our friend?
I think this is probably a totally insane idea and a great way to ruin a friendship. But any insight is welcome.
Anon in NYC says
How old are his kids? Does he have any sort of custody/visitation? How would that work with being a nanny to your child? If he’s only responsible “when it matters,” how is that going to work day in and day out? Would he still want the option of continuing his legal practice? How would that work if he got a client?
I don’t think asking a friend to be your nanny is a per se insane idea, but I think that in the vast majority of circumstances everything would have to line up perfectly in order to not ruin a friendship. I don’t think I would do this in your shoes.
Anonymous says
I think your first instinct was right – this is insane and a great way to ruin a friendship. I understand that daycare costs are scary but I also think when it comes to childcare you tend to get where you pay for and this is one area where you can’t skimp and save. Be frugal in all other areas of life so you can afford to splurge on good childcare. Cut down on your retirement savings if necessary – your kid(s) will be in public school soon enough and you can save more then.
I also tend think this guy’s behavior sends up some red flags – it sounds to me like he is going way beyond just being a nice supportive friend and I would question his motives. Is he interested in you romantically? Is he hoping you’ll hire him to do odd jobs? Because I consider myself a good friend but I would never volunteer to mouse proof someones house or walk their dogs on a regular basis, and it just seems kind of weird to me that he is offering to do all this stuff for you for free.
Meg Murry says
It sounds like he is often crashing at their place, so I don’t think he’s mouse proofing and dog walking out of the goodness of his heart, but rather as a “thank you for a place to sleep that isn’t my car or the street”.
I think asking him to full time nanny might be a bit much. Plus, if the lease doesn’t end until you go back to work, would he just be hanging around in your house the entire time you are on maternity leave? Because while he is often helpful, having him around THAT much when you are home may drive you insane, if you are anything like me.
At best, maybe you could offer him a regular dog walking/dog sitting gig for when you are extremely pregnant and/or during maternity leave? That would be a way to put a little money in his pocket without going all the way to hiring him as a nanny for an infant.
Anonymous says
I agree that the overall idea of hiring a friend as a nanny isn’t insane, but to me that friend would be someone who is already a nanny. The potential issues I see with this:
– You want to pay him less than the rate of daycare which is yes, high, but nannies are almost always more expensive than daycare centers. In-home daycares are normally less expensive than a daycare center. Have you looked into nanny-shares?
– You seem to want to pay him less than minimum wage, or at least a living wage. I would feel immoral taking advantage of someone’s recent hardship to say “well you’re desperate for employment.” Why not pay him for the dog-walking and handyman activities he’s doing if you want to help him out?
– Supplementing his wages with room/board is a good idea, but what if he’s a terrible tenant? Or keeps weird hours? What if you need a break from him? Friends don’t usually make the best house-mates, even if it is a separate apartment.
I think overall I’d want to keep this friend a friend. Sometimes things crop up with childcare providers where you need to have uncomfortable conversations, or even let them go. I wouldn’t want to do that with a friend.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. You don’t hire a nanny because daycare is too expensive. Nannies are normally way, way more expensive than daycare. I agree you should look at in-home or unlicensed daycares, if you’re comfortable with those. And it also rubs me the wrong way that you want to take advantage of his situation and pay him less than he deserves. If you believe he is a qualified, competent nanny and you want to hire him to watch your child full-time, then you need to pay him the going rate in your area for a full-time nanny. Period, full stop.
Anon says
I thought nannies were more expensive for one child but could be cheaper than daycare when dealing with multiple children.
Anonymous says
Depends. Most of them expect a raise for more than one child. Friends of mine literally doubled their nanny’s salary when they had a second child, which is insane to me, but there it is. I pay $4600/month for daycare for 3 kids and we used to pay about that much all-in, on the books, for a nanny.
Anonymous says
You’re generally right. I assumed this was a first baby since OP seems really surprised by daycare costs. But I suppose it could be twins and in that case a nanny might make financial sense.
Anonymous says
I worry about “responsible when he needs to be” as it relates to living in your house/being your tenant. Because for that, he’s probably going to need to be responsible in some way 100% of the time.
lala says
We hired friends who were already in childcare to nanny when our second was born, and while it wasn’t terrible I would never do it again.
It was hard to find the distinction between friend and employee. Telling them what to do was so much harder for me. Plus all of their typical job complaints (something I think everyone does with friends) were now related to the job I had hired them to do. Plus, I felt a lot more pressure to get home at a certain time because I knew all of their social calendars. It was not a fun summer for me, and I would never do it again.
Anonymous says
I was only able to leave my kid at daycare because I knew that they were highly qualified to take good care of him (better than me!). I don’t think “responsible when he needs to be” and good with dogs is the right criteria for caregiver for your child, and making this plan or even floating this plan and changing your mind later may lead to hurt feelings and losing a friendship.
OP says
Thank you for the comments! By “when it matters,” he sometimes flakes on social engagements with us, but has never flaked on dog walking/sitting, favors we’ve asked for, etc. His kids are 7 and 9 and he has visitation each weekend and one weeknight. They’re still working out their divorce. He is looking to transition out of law entirely.
I’m sure we won’t end up doing this. My brain is desperate for creative childcare options…
Anonymous says
It sounds like you just want to take advantage of the fact that he’s so desperate he’ll do odd jobs for you. Don’t hire him.
Meg Murry says
Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one who comes up with crazy ideas that sound more like the plot for a sitcom than an actual good idea. We also had a rental apartment at our previous place, as well as a big spare room with private bathroom at our current house, and I’ve definitely had thoughts of having my sister, brother-in-law or mother move in and act as nanny – or vice versa, have my sister move in to the other unit and then I’d quit my job and be a SAHM to my kids plus nanny to hers.
Besides, big picture, unless your rental apartment is tiny or you charge under market rates, wouldn’t the cost of daycare be comparable to the lost rental income? Our apartments rent for close to the same rate as infant daycare.
avocado says
It is an actual sitcom plot–on The Big Bang Theory. Which is probably another reason not to try it in real life.
anon says
For as long as he is unemployed, you could consider hiring him for days that your daycare is closed or your kid can’t go due to illness (oftentimes your kid will be not-actually-sick but too sick for daycare – like had a 101 fever yesterday and seems fine today).
AwayEmily says
A happy thing: we gave our kids different last names (our baby boy has my last name, our toddler girl has my husband’s last name). The baby is starting at his sister’s daycare next month and we just got a mailing from the daycare center addressed to The Parents of….
And both of their last names were printed correctly! I know it’s a small thing but I really, really appreciate it and it makes me hopeful that this won’t be the logistical nightmare people keep telling us it will be.
Anonymous says
That’s awesome! And I love that you gave the girl your husband’s name and the boy yours. I know a few other people who have done something similar but they all gave the children the name of the same sex parent and I like your way of doing it better.
AwayEmily says
I wish I could say it was totally planned but really what happened is that we had a girl first and I figured “Eh, it seems to be more important to my husband than it does to me, so sure, he can pass on his name.” Then we had the next baby, who happened to be a boy, and I thought “Hey, wait a minute. I don’t want to be the only one with a different name — that doesn’t seem fair at all. Also, my name is awesome and I want my kid to have it.”
Anonymous says
We are doing this (our son has my husband’s last name and our daughter will have mine) and we actually thought really long and hard about who would get which name. It was most important to me that my daughter have my name because I wanted her to have that little bit of feminist rebellion baked right into her identity so that she would walk through this world knowing that she didn’t have to conform to the patriarchal parts of our society that don’t make sense. It was more important to my husband to pass his name from father to son like his father had passed his name to him.
Balls in your face says
You could have just named your sons left nut after you, and the right after your husband. Or would that not have garnered enough attention?
GCA says
Aww, that’s fantastic! Also, I know daycares are especially busy and don’t have a lot of time for administrative stuff, but that’s the sort of attention to detail that would make me feel even more like that center was the right choice.
Anonymous says
That’s great! We can my kid a different last name than either me or my husband, and I always appreciate when places get it right.
Aunt Jamesina says
My husband and I are planning to do the same thing, and that is AWESOME! I think we’ve gotten a properly addressed wedding invite exactly once :-(
Anonymous says
Should I be worried that my four month old doesn’t nap…like, ever? She sleeps great at night (~12 hours with a break for a feed about 8-9 hours in) and some days we can get her to take little catnaps in her carseat or our arms, but there are lots of days she literally does not take a single nap. She doesn’t seem overtired, hardly ever cries unless there’s an obvious explanation like hunger, and has no problem going down at night. I mentioned it to her pediatrician at her 4 month appointment but the doctor kind of brushed me off and said it was impossible she’s not napping and she must just be napping when I don’t notice …but I’m home with her all day and I’m sure she’s not sleeping except at night!
AwayEmily says
“She must be napping when you don’t notice”??? What a ridiculous statement. Of course you know whether your child is napping or not.
It’s definitely out of the norm (and probably really annoying for you) but I guess if she seems like she’s developing well, not fussy, etc, then perhaps it’s okay? 12 hours a day is on the low end for her age, though.
Have you tried all the standard tactics (putting her in a dark room, white noise, etc)?
Anonymous says
I do try to put her down for naps (at least until this last week when she started SCREAMING every time until I go pick her up and play with her), so I think the doctor was saying that she’s probably sleeping more than I realize when I put her down – but I can hear her babbling to herself the whole time so I really don’t think she’s sleeping. We haven’t tried white noise but she has never needed it to go to sleep at night. We do swaddle, put her in a dark room, etc. just like we do at night. My husband apparently was never a good napper and dropped his nap completely at 18 months old (and now as an adult wakes up naturally after 6-7 hours of sleep) so I do think it’s possible there’s a genetic component of just not needing as much sleep as most people.
Anonymous says
At that age, we rocked/held our daughter for most of her naps. Or used the Rock and Play.
Anon in NYC says
I definitely think it’s possible that there’s a genetic component there, but I would try white noise, if only to say that you tried it and it doesn’t work. And, I’d try wearing her in a wrap/sling and see if she naps that way. A friend’s 5 month old spent the better part of 4 months refusing to nap or sleep anywhere but physically on a parent.
AwayEmily says
From what I’ve read, nap sleep is much different from night sleep — (most) babies are naturally pretty good at sleeping during the night, but need to learn how to sleep during the day. That was definitely our experience. I have a two year old and also a 4-month-old and both of them needed much more help with naps even after they were sleeping ~11 hours straight through at night. So what works for night might not work for naps, if that makes sense.
You may well be right that she just needs more sleep but I would at least try for another few weeks to give her lots of opportunities to sleep and teach her those skills — try without the swaddle (she’ll prob outgrow it soon anyway since she’ll start rolling), try white noise, bouncing, etc.
If you are comfortable with crying, then we used the following method with a fair amount of success:
– Put the baby down for a nap when you think they “should” be tired (tough for you since you don’t really have a sense, but I would try ~2.5 hours after she wakes up, since the morning nap is usually the easiest).
– Let him cry for 20 minutes
– If he’s not asleep after 20 minutes, take him out of the nursery, play with him for another 20 minutes, then try again.
– If both attempts didn’t work then we would do a stroller or car nap.
Is this a recent development or did she not nap as a newborn, either?
Anonymous says
She napped pretty much round-the-clock the first month but then she started sleeping through the night and the naps have been really inconsistent since then. In month 2 and into month 3 she would sleep a lot in an infant carrier on my chest but then she stopped that (I think the carrier maybe got uncomfortable for her?). There was a brief period where she would nap in her crib, but never more than once per day and not for very long. In the last couple of weeks she just will not go down in the crib at all and cries as soon as I put her there (but is fine as soon as I pick her up and play). I can still get her to snooze in her car seat if it’s in motion (on a walk or car ride) but it’s a very light sleep and she will wake up at the slightest noise and not go back to sleep, whereas at night she sleeps like a log. She has a swing but has never really slept there.
AwayEmily says
I think the fact that she will sleep when she’s in the car or stroller suggests that she does need some extra sleep, but doesn’t have the skills yet to nap in her crib. And it’s normal that her stroller sleep is lighter than her night sleep — day sleep in general is lighter, and by the time they get to 4 months or so they also don’t sleep as well when they are in motion.
If I were you I would keep trying on the crib naps with the addition of white noise, etc, and also letting her cry for short periods if you feel ok with that. Maybe make a goal of trying a crib nap in the morning, and then doing a stroller nap in the afternoon, just so you know she’s getting a little bit of extra sleep.
The other reason I’d recommend continuing to try crib naps at least once a day is that if this is a short-lived regression type thing, you want to make sure she is still getting that opportunity so when she’s ready to take it, she can.
Anon in NYC says
In terms of the intervals for putting a baby to sleep, google “baby sleep site” and “naps” – that worked for us! I didn’t realize that I was accidentally keeping my kid awake for way too long in the morning.
J says
I think naps can be all over the place in the first year. But I usually think of that as meaning half hour, irregular naps and not no naps. In any event, I would bet this is a stage and that naps will work themselves into her life as she develops. And then the days of no naps will be a distant memory.
avocado says
There is definitely such a thing as a non-napping baby. Mine would only nap when being held, and even then not often or for very long.
What the pediatrician said is ridiculous. How would you not know whether your child was asleep?
Anon says
Mine (at 10 months) only naps while being held and has been that way since she was born, and her usual nap is a 30 minute nap 1-2x a day, although every now and then she’ll get a good hour and a half or two hours, but usually only on her daddy’s chest. We either hold her while she naps or transfer her to a crib or PnP. If all else fails – she’s pretty stubborn and has serious FOMO, we put her in the stroller (preferred) or take her for a drive to get her to fall asleep. Yesterday was a no-nap day until about 3PM when she passed out in her high chair straight into her cheerios and then we moved her to the PNP (for a whopping 40 minutes). I did pick the cheerios off her face before I moved her? I laughed (cried?) at the thought of my child falling asleep after 20 minutes of crying as mentioned above. Mine can go for hours at a decibel level louder than most adults. In response to your concern below, she is fully on track, exceeding her milestones (we’re *this* close to walking, lord help us) and generally a happy baby, and our pediatrician is totally OK with it.
Anonymous says
Did she ever nap? Could be the 4mo sleep regression. Ours did something similar at the time, although he would eventually fall asleep wherever he was at about 5pm. He then stopped sleeping at night too… sorry to scare you.
Good news, he got through it fine and now naps like a champ!
lawsuited says
+1 My LO fought naps hard from 3-5 months and the only way to get him to nap was in the ergobaby or in the car. It was short lived, and resolved when we sleep-trained at 5.5 months.
I would be a little worried that she’s only getting 12 hours sleep. At that age, 14-16 hours per day is recommended (and my 14 month old still sleeps 13-15 hours per day).
ElisaR says
my sons didn’t nap much at daycare during the first year. i would often get reports with “20 minutes and 9 minutes” and be so frustrated. They both did sleep better at home…. that being said it wasn’t until a little over a year when my oldest changed rooms that the nap time really formulated for us. My youngest is only 6 months so we haven’t figured it out yet. I think it’s ok. But I do try to put him down in his crib in a sleep suit when I THINK he should nap. which is usually around 9:30am and 2:30pm. He does usually fall asleep when I do that.
GCA says
Wait, if it ain’t broke, why fix it? (Unless you are completely exhausted…) Our friends’ kid was like this – he truly napped very rarely even as an infant, but with no apparent ill effects – slept a full 12-13h at night, did not seem overtired, etc. He’s a happy, healthy toddler now. Honestly, who knows – maybe some kids are just this way. Surely there are some outliers in the range of baby sleep, and it sounds like there’s a genetic component there as well.
Anonymous says
Oh I’m not exhausted at all, since she sleeps great at night. I’m just a little worried about her development since everything I’ve read says that a baby her age should be sleeping 14-15 hours/day with at least two naps – I guess I was just hoping for reassurance that some babies just don’t nap or sleep that much and turn out normal, so I appreciate your anecdote.
GCA says
I hear you. When my son was ~3 months old I remember spending literally hours one afternoon trying to put him down for a nap, having taken the EASY ‘schedule’ to heart, and it was more stressful and involved more crying for the both of us than if I’d just ditched that nap, taken him for a walk and then gone about the rest of the day. (Tomorrow is another day…!)
octagon says
My kid didn’t nap reliably until he started walking and moved into the daycare room that enforced it for all kids. Before that it was maybe 5-15 minutes here and there but no set schedule. Each kid is different — enjoy those long stretches at night!
anon says
My son didn’t nap consistently at that age. Like others, he wouldn’t fall asleep for naps in his crib so I’d take them where we could get them (safely, of course): carseat, stroller, on me after nursing, in his bouncy chair. He was probably about 10 months before we got the consistent morning nap and afternoon nap.
anon says
Our daughter was like this though maybe slightly better (would occasionally nap 20 minutes at daycare) and once we told our pediatrician and told her how much daughter sleeping at night, there was no concern. FWIW, our daughter didn’t really nap until she was a year old.
Anonymous says
My daughter has never slept the number of hours in a day that she is supposed to, not even as a week-old infant.
Our pediatrician (who is fantastic and I love) said that resting was as good as napping. So we’d go for long walks in the stroller during “normal” nap times.
Napping got better once she could crawl, but has never been that good. She started dropping her morning nap at 10 months and is about halfway to dropping her afternoon nap now at 2.5. But, like yours, she’s always slept through the night. As she’s gotten older I’ve found that she pretty much needs to be outside and play twice a day (I work part-time), though she does reportedly nap well at day care.
She has a pretty high need for stimulus is what I’ve decided, which is fun in a kid but terrifying in a teenager, so good luck!
Anonymous says
I think she has a high need for stimulus too — my theory is that she naps in her carseat because she is bored there and decides there’s nothing to do but go to sleep (she only naps if I cover the seat with a blanket so she can’t see anything). But when she’s in the crib, she wants to look at the ceiling fan or mobile,and maybe even knows that her activity mat is a few feet away and wants to be there instead. Lately, she’s been super into looking at me and interacting with me and she screams if I put her down in the crib but the second I pick her up she’s happy as a clam and starts babbling and grabbing at my hair.
Anonymous says
It’s tough to tire out a baby, but try it anyway. Mostly I nursed my daughter to sleep for naps and then just let her sleep on me (and I read my nook). Since I work part time I did this for a LONG time. We would also try lots of sensory experiences during “playtime” like smelling spices, listening to different kinds of music, feeling things with lots of different textures. I like Montessori websites for ideas for things like this.
shortperson says
i would be more worried about your pediatrician than your baby. that doctor sounds terrible.
Anon TTC says
Please talk some sense into me.
DH just got an unsolicited great offer to switch firms and follow his mentor. The new firm is a satellite office of a bigger regional firm looking to build DH’s practice in our city. DH is a senior associate on the cusp of making partner at current firm. The base salary is only a 20% increase and the originations compensation is much more favorable (he has an unusually large associate book), however, in a year or two the difference as a non-equity partner is really substantial – 40% higher at new firm.
When he got the offer, I really hemmed and hawed, I’m very risk-averse and had to be convinced that he should go to new firm. After a few weeks of discussions with both firms, DH now wants to stay put. He likes current firm, has good relationships there, thinks it will be a better long term platform, etc.
Now I feel really mad at him for wanting to decline the offer. I feel like he put us through this emotional roller coaster and we’ve been talking about it nonstop (thinking about it, pro/con list, projections ad nauseam). I was the one who was against in the first place and had to be convinced, and now he just flips on me and decides to stay. On top of this, we’re TTC and I’m so worried about what a baby will do to our finances and my career. Like the extra money every month would enable us to have more childcare. I know we shouldn’t think about the daycare as coming out of mom’s salary, but I know that having a kid is going to hit my career more than his. I’ll be the one taking a maternity leave and I asked if he’d stay home for 2 months after that while I return to work and he said, if it’s makes financial sense. Well of course it doesn’t because I make 75% of what he makes now.
Sorry for this crazy rant, but I just can’t stop conflating the job question with the ability to buy future childcare/how that impacts my career. It’s bringing all my fears about becoming the default parent to the fore.
Anonymous says
Your feelings are 100% valid. It is so hard to feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster for nothing. But, in the end, you have to defer to your husband on this one. You should express your feelings and concerns to him and have a good conversation about it. But at the end of the day, it is his job and his final decision. You’d probably be very upset if he pushed you into a new job when you didn’t think it was best for you. I’d also let the paternity leave issue shake out when the time comes. In my experience, though, most men just aren’t as opposed to baby going to daycare sooner in order to have a couple months of income. Also, my husband refuses to make hypothetical plans for a “what if” scenario. It doesn’t mean he cares less, it just isn’t how his brain works. Your husband might feel differently when things are more concrete rather than in the TTC stage. If you’re opposed to default parent status, the best way to prevent that is to have clear expectations when the time comes and responsibilities arise.
Anonymous says
I would add that I wonder if being “mad” is really just being mentally exhausted and taking it out on him. If you can engage in an activity to clear your mind and/or get some quality sleep this weekend, you might see things differently.
Marilla says
I don’t think you’re being fair to your husband at all for being mad at him for not taking the job – especially when you didn’t want him to in the first place. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about TTC, adapting to the baby as a family, impact on careers and finances, impact on your relationship, etc, and you’re projecting all that anxiety onto this one decision.
If you’re already worried about finances, I’m not sure how having him take extra parental leave (unpaid?) would help, although I totally get seeing it as a symbol of him being an equal parent.
I would take a little time out until you feel calmer about the job decision and then have a separate conversation with him on making sure you’ll be equal parents and how you’ll manage the financial hit of daycare.
Anonymous says
Becoming the default parent is a real and understandable fear, but it doesn’t have much to do with finances IMO. It has a lot more to do with how many hours each parent works, how much each parent travels and how willing each parent is to take on the emotional labor of having a child. Have you talked to DH about this stuff? Will he stay home when the baby is sick and can’t go to daycare? Will he be a point person at daycare – not just doing dropoffs and pickups but getting to know the daycare provider so they go to him with questions and concerns as readily as they do with you? Once you’re both back at work (you don’t have to take a long maternity leave if you don’t want to – you’ll be physically recovered enough to go back in ~2-4 weeks), will he take middle of the night feedings and diaper changes?
I guess I don’t really understand what his salary has to do with this stuff, unless he is using his higher salary as an excuse to not shoulder the day-to-day labor of parenting, and that would be a HUGE red flag imo.
ElisaR says
I get what you’re saying, and I think you’re right to be concerned about being the default parent because that will likely be what happens…. but I think it’s really hard to make decisions based on a lot of “what ifs”. You just never know how the timing of a baby will be or how you will react and deal with life…..I find it’s best to make decisions based on the current circumstances and then deal with whatever comes down the pipeline. If he didn’t take the job just because you’re TTC and then let’s say that takes some time and then you’re pregnant for 9 months…. well he could already be int he new job for 18 months or 2 years at that point and it wouldn’t be new anymore.
Last thought: everybody does finances differently, but the daycare cost doesn’t have to come out of one person’s salary. In my house we share an account we get paid into (I realize this doesn’t work for everyone) and we pay daycare out of the shared account. We are a team. We share expenses (yes I’m the same mom that complained about doing all the childrearing myself last week).
Anon says
Whether you become the default parent should not be based on how much money your husband is making. If you don’t want to be the default parent, stop relating it to salary. It does not matter that you make less than he does. If you want him to stay home for two months with the baby, it cannot be about whether it “makes financial sense” but should instead be about whether it is financially possible. Those are different questions.
I think you should completely separate his job situation from your TTC situation. It sounds like he has a good job and you were originally happy for him to keep it. Remember why you wanted him to keep it. Then try to move on from the job issue.
Instead, focus on your fears about the TTC issue. You are worried about becoming the default parent. That’s a fair worry to have. The only thing that can prevent that is communication. Not money, not what job dad has or doesn’t have, but 100% communication is the only way to not be the default parent if you don’t want to be. You do not have to accept the idea that “having a kid is going to hit (your) career more than his.” You do have to take maternity leave if only for your own physical recovery and to keep the baby until he/she is old enough for daycare, but beyond that, you can go back to work just like dad works. Any problems you have with becoming the default parent are not going to be because your husband switches jobs or not– they will be because of communication (or, if your husband is not supportive and doesn’t listen to your communicating, but that’s a separate problem).
Anonymous says
Have you considered treating your anxiety? I think you know that’s whats happening here. This is your husband! You love him! He’s going with what you originally wanted! These are both great jobs!
TTC has a way of bringing your underlying anxiety to the front of life. Try a therapist. Try yoga. Meditate. Journal. You can’t solve this any other way because the facts aren’t the real issue.
Blueberries says
I just want to call out that it’s not cool for your husband to say he’ll take paternity leave only if it makes financial sense. I get there are circumstances where it’s financially not possible or really bad to take paternity leave, but if it’s just “well, we’ll net more money with me at work than at home” that’s not so good.
Parental leave is important for bonding with a new baby and fathers need that bonding time (and time getting comfortable parenting) just as much as mothers. If a family can afford leaves (which, sadly, isn’t the case for many people in the US), I think it’s most helpful for the family and for society if both parents take the time to bond (and take the accompanying career hit so employers get used to parental leave being a people issue and not a liability of hiring women).
Anonymous says
THIS THIS THIS. If it’s “we can’t afford for me to take paternity leave” that’s one thing. If it’s “it doesn’t make financial sense for me to take any leave because I earn more than you” that is…. not good, to say the least.
Anon says
I’m laughing here because my husband and I have similar problems where we care about each other so much that we really truly listen to each other’s point of view in a disagreement and then we both change our minds and have to argue it again from the other side. It is so frustrating but truly a good problem to have. You will likely end up happy either way if you supported each side at one point.
Aunt Jamesina says
It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around having a baby and you’re displacing it on your husband’s choice of job.
Judging by the description of your husband’s work, you likely have deeper pockets than average in your area than most who have young children (even if it doesn’t feel that way). You’ll all be fine. I’ve realized with my husband’s career choices, unless if he were torpedoing his career or his choices would alter our future goals, I need to let him make his own choices, as he does for me. We always have conversations about these choices and let our opinions be known, but ultimately, the power rests with the person whose job is being impacted.
Anonymous says
Wait…am I reading this right? You won the argument and you are mad at your husband for bringing up a major decision with you?
I say this with all the caring and gentleness that I can muster, but please look into some therapy. If you don’t have an anxiety disorder, perhaps something like effective arguing and communication.
Because your husband didn’t go looking for this opportunity, he listened to you, he did his own research and he made the decision that you feel is in your and your family’s best interest. This sounds amazingly good and how it is supposed to work. And you won.
Anonymous says
Haha you’re totally right, I guess I won. but he spent three weeks convincing me that it was a great move and then when I got on board, he just woke up this morning and told me, never mind, I’m going to stay. I’m not sure that his declining a substantial increase in pay is what’s best for our family, but it’s his decision, so I will be supportive (hence complaining about my irrational thoughts to internet strangers instead of him!)
Anon says
I get it OP. I hate when I go through the mental gymnastics to get on board with something and then the script is flipped and we are no longer doing that. I’m all or nothing and it’s hard to switch back and forth.
CPA Lady says
You are not worried about your husband’s career. You are worried about your career. And that’s totally valid. TTC is like standing in an airplane, about to jump out, not sure if your parachute works. Most women have at least one or two freak outs along the way. I had a major one right when I hit the third trimester. And ya know what? Some things have been how I thought they would, some things have been worse, and a lot of things have been better.
It’s going to be okay. And if something is not okay, you can make changes once you get there. So if your husband’s job doesn’t work for your family, he can get another one. If your job doesn’t work for your family, you can get another one. If your childcare situation doesn’t work out, you can switch it up. If your division of labor doesn’t work, you cant divvy it up differently or hire more help. You can supplement with formula from day one, so there is never anything you can do that he can’t. If it turns out you lock eyes on that baby and cant comprehend ever going back to your office again, you can do that. You are both smart, driven people. You can trust yourselves to be able to figure it out, however it goes.
Anonymous says
You’re amazing, thank you for this response.
Thank you says
I love this response! The parachute analogy is really apt.
lawsuited says
So, I think your concerns about having a child and managing childcare and the impact of both those things on your career are totally reasonable. You have every right to expect that your husband will engage with you in discussing those concerns, and troubleshooting and weighing options to come up with a solution that you can both live with. In my relationship, I have a little more say in these decisions because I am the one carrying the physical burden of having a child, but YMMV.
Your concerns about having a child should get the same airtime as your husband’s job offer. When it came to the offer, you discussed it and considered the options ad nauseam and then your husband made a decision taking all that into account. Your husband has a bigger say in the ultimate decision because it’s his work life and while it concerns you it concerns him more. I don’t think you can be angry at him for considering 2 good options and choosing the one he preferred.
I think what happened here is that you and your husband really have 2 serious issues to talk about, and you feel like only one is getting dealt with (your husband’s job) and the other isn’t (implications of having a child on your career).
Flatbread Pizza says
Okay, this is a silly question. I want to make flatbread pizza at home, but I don’t actually know what “flatbread” is to make the crust. Or more accurately, I’d really like to purchase the crust. I have some young basil plants that I need to trim so they’ll branch out, and was thinking I’ll have enough for some margherita pizza, but flatbread sounds extra yummy. I truly don’t know what makes it different.
Anonymous says
I think Pillsbury has one they make that is over in the canned biscuit section? Not amazingly delicious but very easy.
Anonymous says
Yeah Pillsbury refrigerated pizza dough is decent. It should be near canned biscuits or refrigerated cookie dough.
BabyBoom says
You can buy different types of breads that are flat at the grocery – some are meant for pizza, and some are just flat shaped and good for using for pizza. My toddlers love some naan pizza. I have also made pizza on foccacia. My cowoker eats a “pizza” made on a tortilla – which I can’t stand because I think it’s too thin. In desperation I have made a pizza on a pita, and on an english muffin. Go to the fancy grocery store by you and look around. They should have options. Many fancy stores also have raw dough if you want to try that. If you want a true, thin cracker type crust you will need to start with dough. Making your own dough is also easy. Pre-toddlers I used to make my own dough every Friday.
anon says
+1 to naan for pizza.
Aunt Jamesina says
You could also buy already-baked flatbread and just bake it long enough to heat it up and melt the cheese.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have or know an autistic child that they would describe as… mellow? We’re getting a second opinion on my 2-year-old son’s development done on Tuesday because he has some very specific speech delays related to personhood (I posted here before a month or two ago asking about them, thanks for everyone who encouraged me to get a second opinion) and I’m getting more and more concerned about how off “in his own world” he’s getting. He sings/babbles to himself a lot, and he completely ignores any attempts to get his attention until he’s done. At that point, he makes eye contact, and will “parrot” words back that you tell him to say– i.e. he finishes singing, Dad is leaving the house, I tell him “say bye-bye Daddy!” and he says “bye-bye Daddy!”– and I don’t know if that matches up with the “hyperfocus” symptom I always see on lists of what to watch for in terms of whether he’s on the spectrum. If he is, obviously I’ll advocate for him, I’m just struggling with wrapping my head around autism as a possibility because he’s SO zen. He throws a tantrum about every other week, is always cheerful, seemingly has no sensory issues at all… he has a twin sister who is light years ahead of him and he is still my “easy” child. I guess it is called a spectrum for a reason?
Anonymous says
Hmm. I’m no expert but I know quite a few toddlers who enjoy talking/babbling to themselves. I wouldn’t have jumped to autism from anything you’ve said, although I agree that early assessment/intervention can only be a good thing.
Anonymous says
OP here– yes, there are some other worrying signs (doesn’t seem to know his own name or actually anyone’s name, doesn’t really initiate any observations but just repeats what we say, no parallel play with other kids where he is interested in what they are interested in), but my only experiences with autistic children (which are few) seem to be the parents worried all the time about their child having violent meltdowns or tics or just generally being… upset? Our son is so cheerful and well-behaved, he just ignores people a lot. I’m hoping this will just be his personality, or maybe he just has a receptive or expressive speech problem that is separate from the spectrum. His birth to three lady said prior to the assessment said he might qualify for speech therapy based on “atypical development” because it’s weird to be able to count to 20 but not know Daddy’s name, so I’m hoping that really does mean “atypical but fixable with therapy” instead of “lifelong diagnosis,” but it’s an odd spot to be in for a parent. I don’t know if he just likes being by himself and singing badly and that is his personality, or if he’s actually challenged and just doesn’t match some vision in my head of the specific problems autistic kids have.
NewMomAnon says
On the question of autistic personalities – I think we tend to hear the really difficult stories where parents are scared and need a lot more resources than they can find. It is a spectrum, for sure. Have you ever read the blog Amalah? She has at least one kiddo (and maybe a second?) on the spectrum, and her descriptions make them sound like interesting, peaceful, quirky, amazing kiddos who process the world differently than their peers. Also Modern Mommy Madness; her son was diagnosed as on the spectrum a while ago.
So….your kiddo is your kiddo, and a diagnosis isn’t going to change his personality or guarantee a path to violence. I suspect a lot of the violent autistic meltdowns we hear about have to do with kiddos struggling to be understood and melting down when they can’t get what they need. The more you can do to understand your kiddo, help him develop communication skills, and foster his efforts to communicate, the happier he will be regardless of whether he is autistic. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of this already.
Anonymous says
So I’m not a mental health expert. But I’m related to one, best friends with one, and worked in college for another. Basically because of insurance stuff, all verbal delays are organized on the “Autistic spectrum” even if they probably have other underlying issues (a kid has an extremely low IQ that probably precludes speech gets diagnosed as Autism for insurance/intervention reasons, for example).
I did once work with one kid who was non-verbal but extremely happy and chill. At eight or nine he basically was a toddler (and a pretty happy-go-lucky one). Occasional tantrum, really liked other people (specific female people), waved hello and bye-bye, signed for needing the potty. He actually couldn’t even parrot, but he did have some spontaneous pattern match recognition. Fifteen years earlier he would have just been Prevasive Developmental Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified but I think he had some Autism + diagnosis.
The other thing is that twins (like bilingual kids) have atypical verbal learning patterns anyway.
Honestly, I’d take the Autism diagnosis knowing that’s probably not clinically warranted just to get into early intervention. But I know that labels can be a big blow to people, so you may not be comfortable with that (I, personally, suffer from most of the secondary signs of discalculia and some intermittent anomia as well as social anxiety, I dig labels. If you know enough Latin you can diagnose anyone.)
Betty says
The saying is that if you’ve met a child on the spectrum, you’ve met ONE child on the spectrum. There may be commonalities (i.e. those that lead to a diagnosis) but personalities and temperaments differ among children on and off the spectrum. In other words, being on the spectrum is not a function or reflection of personality or temperament.
My son, who is seven, is on the spectrum, but when we reached out to his school this year, they were shocked because at school he is an easy-going kid who “is not on their radar” (their words). For our son, we see his spectrumieness (that’s my word for it) on the social interaction front and lack of flexibility. We have him seeing a counselor and in a group at school to help him learn the skills to make friends. He is a loving, affectionate and hilarious kid. Learning about his diagnosis has helped point me in the right direction to be able to help him develop the skills that he needs and understand what works and doesn’t for him.
I hear the concern in your posts, and I think you are doing what needs to be done. If your kiddo is on the spectrum, it will not change who he is now or who he will grow up to be. There are great supports and amazing approaches to help children learn the skills that do not come easily to those on the spectrum. I choose not to see it as an ominous diagnosis but more a lens through which to view his needs.
Betty says
Just re-read my post and I want to clarify: I am not saying that I think your child is on the spectrum. More that, if he is, it will be ok.
SC says
I’ll chime in to say that I know a child who has a confirmed autism diagnosis and is very, very sweet and mellow. I’m only around him a few times a year, and I’ve never seen him throw a tantrum, etc. Last time I saw him, he got upset but just walked away and withdrew from playing until a relative came over and talked him through it.
That doesn’t mean that your child has autism. But, anecdotally, I’ve seen a range of behaviors and temperaments.
Ally says
In answer to your first question, yes. I know several mellow people with autism, including successful adults with careers and relationships and also teenagers that are high-functioning and in great public schools. I also know some kids that are just easygoing and mellow but no interaction with people in a social or learning sense, that I would think are “on the spectrum”. What’s the line… “if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism”.
Me says
I’m not a professional, but I am a former high school teacher who worked with many students on the spectrum. The spectrum is HUGE, and I saw students of every different personality type.
Anonymous says
Thanks all! This helps me arrange it in my mind much better. I’m not really concerned with getting him a “diagnosis” except for the ways in which it lets us help him out and helps us qualify for educational assistance down the road, and I mostly was concerned that I HADN’T heard any suggestion from the ped or the case manager that he might be on the spectrum. But I also didn’t want to diagnose him over the internet and be “that mom” who has no idea what she’s talking about questioning all the medical professionals. So we’ll see what happens at his evaluation, and I’ll probe a little more with the speech therapist as to what she thinks might be going on.
[Incidentally I LOVE Amalah and that’s one of the few experiences I have reading in depth about someone parenting a child on the spectrum, and since what she describes regarding food, schedule rigidity, haircuts, etc. is so far away from what we’re dealing with with my son, I was kind of like hmm, maybe I’m off-base? Now I know it’s good to follow up no matter what.]
Anonymous says
drat, commented below instead of in this thread. sorry about that!
Patty Mayonnaise says
This feels kind of silly, but my 14 month old is kind of ignoring me and it’s making me sad! He used to just light up when I came in the room, but now he doesn’t seem to care. My husband keeps telling me it’s just timing, but I think he’s trying to make me feel better. Anyone else go through this? Is it just a phase?
Anon in NYC says
I’m pretty sure it’s just a phase! At 14 months he’s probably just so “busy” – he’s probably walking, or close to it, and there’s so much to see and do.
Anonymous says
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I bought myself a bunch of different seasonal sprinkle assortments from here: https://www.countrykitchensa.com/
Anonymous says
My calm-but-spacey son got an ASD diagnosis a year ago that I vehemently disagreed with, so I’ve been down the rabbithole. I’m still iffy on whether the diagnosis is “correct” or not, but now I’m more zen about it than I was at first. Some notes for you:
– No one knows anything, least of all a doctor who spends 45 minutes with your kid. To me the diagnosis was a wake up call to push other issues (he’d failed two hearing tests by that point) and educate myself about the issues around ASD kids. It took me some time before I told others (like his preschool teacher) because I didn’t want them to treat him differently… he is who he is and his challenges are evident without slapping a huge label on him.
– Under DSM5 “autim” is greatly different from what it used to mean. Take the insurace money, go full speed forward with any therapies he needs — there is a point (age 5.5 or 7, can’t remember) where kids’ brains become less flexible, so these are crucial years when they’re little.
– re outbursts – a lot of that can be due to sensory overload, which unfortunately may become more pronounced later. Try to pay attention to whether he’s having tantrums (he wants the cookie, you give him a cookie and the tantrum stops) vs meltdowns (he goes beserk for no reason and nothing will solve it) because you have to deal with them differently. My son didn’t start to have sensory meltdowns until he was like 3.5 or so. Outbursts can also come from rigid behavior / OCD-like tendencies — again they’re more flexible when they’re smaller so try to break any patterns before they start.
– FB groups are a huge help — look in your area.
– Betty said it beautifully but just to second her — just if/because he’s on “the spectrum” as it is now doesn’t mean he won’t be a functional, bright, happy adult.
– You may want to check out Sowell’s books “Late Talking Children” or “The Einstein Syndrome” to see if they resonate with you. You may also want to look up 2e/asynchronous development if you suspect he’s gifted.
Anonymous says
Thank you, this was HUGELY helpful! I’ll check out these resources. His tantrums are quite different from his sister’s– they are more “committed,” i.e. she can be distracted out of them and he usually cannot. Since his are so infrequent I hadn’t thought of them as possibly a symptom, but I’ll bring that up with the evaluators just in case. And I’m actually pretty annoyed that no one has ever given him a hearing test, given that I’ve brought up his speaking delays at least twice with the pediatrician. I think since he can say words, and a fairly reasonable number of words, they’re not worried that he’s only saying a certain type of word.
Anonymous says
My son suffered from something called “middle ear offusion” — aka glue ear — aka “it’s like an ear infection but there’s no infection.” It comes and goes so it’s hard to say how much his hearings/interactions/receptive/expressive language suffered from it (let alone the pain and resulting sleeplessness), but he failed three hearing tests over six months and they decided to give him ear tubes and a sedated hearing test. They checked his adenoids that day and he was a 70% obstruction so they took those too. After that speech started coming a ton. Before that he definitely understood us but he was saying words strangely – “dupe” was the letter A, “cler” for purple — and in general he only said the first syllable or last syllable of words.
I think the ears were a huge part of his problem early on… but I can’t deny that he still has developmental problems, like completely ignoring peers (but he’s warm and engaging with adults… but he’s definitely an oddball). We’ll see where he lands. We spent the past year doing 2.5 hours of speech a week with 3 different therapists, as well as OT on top of that (we particularly focused a lot of time on PROMPT therapy for apraxia) and now he’s talking up a storm. Every month he gets a bit better — this month he’s more present and spontaneous in his speech, less scripted. We’re very proud of him!