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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Disney follow up says
I was thinking about the recent Disney threads and just wanted to add some reassurance for parents like mine who aren’t super into Disney and/or crowds. Growing up, we used to visit my grandparents in Florida, near Orlando, usually once a winter. We would spend one day at the ocean, one at Gatorland, and one day at Disney or another theme park. We brought our own sandwiches and all that. Honestly, I was shocked later to learn people spent full weeks there. I know the park structure has changed making it harder to avoid some of these “extras” like fast passes. But really, without trying to hit every attraction and knowing we only had one day, we did love it as kids. (Even the year my parents passed off that Disney mall as “Disney” — I didn’t know and I loved it and it was free!). If you love Disney go for it, but if you don’t love crowds and that, one day is really fine for most kids.
Anonymous says
Agreed. We went to Disney a few times (maybe 3-4) over the course of my life growing up, but never spent more than 3 days at the parks. My mom couldn’t afford more than that, but we also wanted to do other things. Twice we did Disney for 2-3 days and then went to the beach for the rest of the week. I loved those vacations! The other trips, we had our base camp at the beach and just did a one day trip to Magic Kingdom. It was great!
Anonymous says
We *could* afford more than that, and we didn’t do it. I went twice as a kid, i think once when I was 11 (siblings were 8 and 5) and once again late high school (so maybe kids 17, 14, 11).
We always flew down, rented a condo or house with a nice pool, rented a car and spent a week in florida with a handful of days at various attractions. i think the first time we did three disney days- two at magic kingdom and one at hollywood studios (it was called MGM back then!). The second time we did Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom (it was 1999 and had just opened) and two days at universal.
We brought lunches most days (but bought snacks). I think we did one character dining thing ONCE. I only know because there is a photo of me in front of a table with some characters.
In contrast, I had friends growing up that did Disney annually. Or that went for like 10 days, stayed on site and did ALL OUT DISNEY. My husband was an only child and went once, at age 8. He and his parents stayed at the hotel on the monorail and DID DISNEY.
Lyssa says
Funny enough, we’re trying to plan a summer vacation, and that’s what I really want to do (go to Disney or Universal for a couple of days, then go to the beach), and it’s almost impossible to plan in a cost-effective way, because everything’s in packages now. I’m hoping to take another go this weekend, but my husband was pricing the a la carte numbers at twice what any other trip would be.
I love the idea of running hard at the parks for a few days and then relaxing on the beach, though, and I really want to see Harry Potter world soon (while my kids are still into it).
Anonymous says
The kids won’t miss what they don’t know. No character dining, no fancy sit down $80 per person restaurant, no bibbidi boutique, don’t stay on site, no light saber Jedi training, pins, god knows what else. We don’t stay past dinner and if we see the fireworks it’s from off site (my kids are young).
Stay at a hotel in Orlando for $100/night/room. Rent a car and park for $25/day. Buy theme park tickets (this is $$$). You don’t have to see all the parks! I don’t know that I’ve ever been to Epcot (maybe? But must have been in grade school). Bring food and water/drinks in. Buy some ice cream and a souvineer or two.
Leave and drive an hour to the beach and enjoy.
Anonymous says
Our value maximization strategy is to go for one very long day and stay until the park closes. We’ve found that you can get on more rides in the evening, the park is even more magical in the dark, and staying up late is such an exciting treat for kiddo. Then spend the next day lounging at the hotel pool or wandering around Disney Springs. YMMV if your kid is not a night owl like ours.
Anon says
Not sure how old your kids are, but I took my then 13 year old niece to Wizarding World of Harry Potter years ago and she had the BEST time. My family is admittedly on the late bloomer side (we go through puberty late and tend to still be quite child-like in middle school), but I think there are a plenty of preteens and young teens that would still find that pretty cool.
Anonymous says
I know a lot of adults who grew up reading HP and still enjoy the Wizarding World.
Anon says
Oh 1000%, it was so nostalgic for me as someone who was big into Harry Potter as a kid. But just because adults love something doesn’t mean teens won’t have a too cool for school attitude about it. :)
Anonymous says
It is true that it appears more cost-effective to stay for several days. The cost per day for theme park tickets goes way down on the longer multi-day tickets. Universal is even worse than Disney for short visits. At Disney you only pay a relatively small add-on fee for the park hopper option. To take the Hogwarts train between the two Universal parks and see both Harry Potter villages in one day costs double the single-park admission fee. The day we spent at Universal came in just behind the day we had awesome seats to Hamilton in NYC for most expensive fun ever.
anon says
Another option is working with a certified Disney travel agent. (My friend is one!) It costs you nothing, and the agent does the hard work of helping you figure out the various options so you can maximize your time there. I find Disney completely overwhelming, so I plan to get help this time when we rebook our trip from June 2020.
Anonymous says
If one day is all you can handle, it’s still fine and worthwhile! It is so much fun to watch your kids enjoy Disney, even if you yourself don’t like theme parks. Caveat: this is if you have relatively easygoing kids. I don’t think I’d survive taking a high-maintenance kid who couldn’t handle eating in restaurants or waiting in lines or was very dependent on a schedule. But if you have a relatively chill kid who can roll with the punches, nap in the stroller if they are still a napper, and just enjoy taking in the whole spectacle, it’s just the best to see their eyes light up over and over again.
Anon says
I don’t know many young kids who are cool about waiting in long lines, especially if you have to do it over and over. Not sure that makes a kid “high maintenance.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Let’s see if my comment disappears! I was listening to the Ask Lisa podcast recently (she has a lot of great advice geared mostly to parents of tweens/teens) and she said that she didn’t befriend any of her kids’ friends’ parents until the kids were out of the house due to the potential awkwardness if the kids have a disagreement or some other kind of kid drama. I found that to be interesting. Husband and I have made friends with some of our older kid’s friends’ parents and one couple in particular is great and we love hanging out with them. However, I can see a situation where our kids will stop being friends or worse, actively not like each other, and that will be awkward for our (parent) friendship. How do you all approach this? I’m having trouble with this idea because honestly it’s tough to make any new friends nowadays and this would really limit our future social interactions.
AwayEmily says
That seems kind of nuts to me, tbh. First, even if the kids stop being friends, you guys can still hang out together. Second, not embarking on a friendship because something *could* go wrong seems like a really sad way to live. All sorts of things could derail a friendship! One of them could turn out to be rude to waiters. They could move away. They could go through a stressful divorce and make you pick sides. Any relationship has some risk involved and this risk seems pretty low, all things considered.
Anonymous says
That seems ridiculous to me. Potential awkwardness is everywhere in life- using that rubric you would never make friends at work either. I can see if the kids have a disagreement that might be awkward to navigate the friendship, but it’s also a good opportunity to model appropriate behavior, boundaries, and problem solving to all involved. My mom, who is very outgoing, always made an effort to befriend my friends parents and I was totally fine with it even as those friendships waxed and waned. Definitely made my all-day swim meets more fun for her.
avocado says
As the mom of a teen, I find this idea weird. Most of my friends are the parents of my daughter’s friends or acquaintances, and in some cases I know the parents better than my daughter knows the kids. In many cases I didn’t even meet the parents through the kids. It’s a smallish community where everyone attends zoned schools, so anyone I happen to meet around my age is likely to have kids who go to school or participate in activities with my kid.
My husband and I became good friends with a couple whose daughter was our daughter’s best friend on their sports team. The girls have since pursued very different paths in school and sports and have grown apart. They no longer get together for sleepovers etc. without parents, but our two families still spend time together. They also have a younger son who gets dragged along and follows the older girls around. Are we not allowed to hang out with the parents because we don’t have a kid his age to be his friend?
Cb says
That seems bananas to me. I need friends and my son’s friend’s parents are fantastic, I’d hang out with them even if we didn’t have kids? And I think it’s good as kids get older for them to learn to interact with people that they don’t always love? Learning how to talk to my parent’s co-workers kids at the company picnic was a good life skill.
Anonymous says
If I followed this rule I would never have any friends, now or in the future. How are you even going to become friends with your kids’ friends’ parents after the kids go off to college? The way I get to know people is by talking with them at kid events.
anonM says
LOL I misread this and kept skipping over the first “IF” so I thought we had a troll who said they had a rule they never had friends, now or in the future. SO thanks for the laugh, going to drink more coffee now haha.
Anon says
i agree that sounds absurd. and for an anecdote – my parents were very friendly with one of my sister’s best friends parents. my sister and that friend had a HUGE falling out senior year of high school and stopped talking. but the parents were all able to remain friendly. the parents were at my wedding, my parents’ were at their daughters’ wedding, when my mom was sick they were very generous to our family, and at my kids’ baby naming etc.
Anonymous says
Lisa is actually Lisa Damour, my favorite parenting author! I will have to start listening to this podcast even though this particular piece of advice is awfully weird. Perhaps she doesn’t need more friends as badly as most of us do because she is extremely successful and well adjusted and already has tons of friends.
GCA says
The main moms s*te page says there are 5 comments. When I click through there are only 2 – yours is one! Honestly, avoiding the parents of kids’ friends just in case the kids have a falling out seems like borrowing trouble to me…
Anonymous says
I don’t have much to add here (I only have a toddler) but when I was in middle school, my mom was very good friends with the mom of one of the “popular” girls (and I was a shy nerdy kid so I definitely didn’t run in her circle) and made us hang out a few times, which was super awkward. But we ended up going to different high schools and it was totally fine that my mom stayed friends with her mom. Making friends is hard, so I’d say keep all the friends you can, just don’t make your kids hang out if they don’t actively like it.
Anon says
I think that’s silly, but also I sort of see where she’s coming from. Especially as my kids get older.
DD is 7 and has one friend whose parents we befriended back when they were 2. I really like these parents – we’ve traveled together twice. In the fall they had a playdate and DH went to pick up DD and the friend was literally screaming “I hate you!” at her. It involved friend having played on the ipad the whole playdate and DD objecting? Anyways, it was super awkward and while we’ve seen those parents at sports games, I don’t see going on a trip with them again anytime soon. The kids get along generally fine, their daughter’s just volatile and kind of mean. It makes me sad because that was a good family friendship! and honestly it’s not that we can’t all get along – it’s just kind of awkward?
Similarly DD is being picked on by a girl right now at school and I’m friends with the mom. DD can handle it, it’s fine, don’t need to intervene, but it’s just not an awesome situation. Kid friendships can affect the adult relationships whether you like it or not!
Anonymous says
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Stupider than the great I Never Bathe My Kids drama.
anon says
That seems like a great way to ensure that you’ll never have a village of parents.
TBH, the parents of my kids’ friends are unlikely to become part of the inner circle, but I do feel like it’s important to have relationships with them! It’s good to know who your kids are spending time with. They can give you a heads up if Kid is having issues that you may be unaware of (happens more often than you’d think in the tween/teen years). Yes, it’s possible that your kids will have a falling out at some point and that will affect your own friendships, but … that’s life? I don’t think the possibility of that happening is worth cutting yourself off from some much-needed support.
anon says
On a related note, I would love to hear from parents with older kids about how they handle kid conversations with their friends. As DS gets older (he’s in the tween years), I find myself regretting it whenever I discuss a parenting struggle with even my closest friends, who know him and love him. Partly because I’m worried they’re secretly judging us, but also because maybe I just shouldn’t in the name of privacy? I am finding this tough to navigate! Being a parent of older kids can be pretty lonely; the experiences are just less universal than they are with little kids.
Caveat is that I’m having a particularly tough time with our older kiddo right now. He is very behind socially and emotionally for his age. It is hard to not compare the parenting experience I’m having with the one my friends seem to be having. And yes, I know I don’t know the whole story, but they’re close enough friends that I’m not completely blind. (One recent example: Friends not understanding why I won’t let our 12-year-old “babysit” his younger sister while we hang out. Yes, I know your kids are doing that. Yes, I, too, was babysitting at 12. Can you trust me to know that’s a really bad idea for our family right now?)
avocado says
I just don’t discuss my parenting struggles with friends. At this age it’s my kid’s story to tell, not mine. It’s incredibly isolating, especially since I know that several friends are dealing with the same issues we are.
Anon Lawyer says
That doesn’t seem like the right balance either. You need to be able to get support too.
Anon says
You can get support from a therapist or a religious official. They have duties of confidentiality. My kid is younger, but I’m already at the point where I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to share details about her struggles, particularly with local friends who interact with her regularly. And no I’m not a smug mom, I don’t act like everything is perfect and I have a unicorn kid with no issues, but I don’t go into detail about it.
But I’m a pretty private person generally. I have never discussed my s*x life or relationship problems with my female friends, which I gather is unusual.
anon says
This is one of the reasons why I have made a point to cultivate and maintain relationships with friends who don’t have kids. Our conversations have never centered around my kids, so when I do bring something up that’s kid-related, they’re usually very happy to serve as a sounding board, offer advice if I ask for it, etc. I really value the outside perspective that they bring.
Anonymous says
People without kids don’t have any perspective to offer on kid-related issues, though. For example, if you have a kid with ADHD, it’s so valuable to compare notes with other parents on how to navigate the 504 process, what types of services are available through the school and in the community, how to deal with teachers, side effects from meds, etc. Non-parents don’t know any of that.
eh230 says
Hi Anon. I completely relate. I have an 11, almost 12 year old, son who is a late bloomer. I also have no one to talk to about it except DH. Send a burner email if you want to chat!
Anon says
Silly! Friendships ebb and flow and that’s fine. I wouldn’t force my kid to hang out with someone so I could see their parents. If the kids stop hanging out then you may naturally fade from the parents if you weren’t actually that close, which is fine, or if you are you will still see each other like any other adult friends. No big deal.
FVNC says
+1. This happened to a group of daycare moms in our previous town. When the kids were very little, we’d all get together and the kids would parallel play / interact a little. By the time they were 5 or 6, my daughter did not enjoy playing with the kids whose mothers I was closest with. Which worked out great — we planned adult dinners without kids. Maybe because the kids were still young and the reason they didn’t enjoy playing together was due to different play styles (e.g., one loves pretend play, the other wants to play tag) rather than friend drama, there was no awkwardness among the parents.
SC says
+1. There are friendships for a season, and that’s fine.
My parents became friends with the parents of one of my best childhood friends. I don’t remember the parents being all that close–they were all busy, and we never traveled together or anything like that. Now, my friendship with my childhood friend has faded, and our retired parents have become very close. They see each other several times a year, they planned a cruise together (canceled because of the pandemic), they’ve stayed at each other’s houses, and my dad is officiating their youngest daughter’s wedding this year.
Anon says
I think that method is basically borrowing trouble. But that said, my husband and I have gotten to be good friends with some neighbors through our daughters (6&7), and they can be really tumultuous friends – one day their “best friends forever!!!,” the next, it’s some silly fight. So it worries me that they might have issues later when these things aren’t so easily forgotten.
Anonymous says
I feel like real drama like that doesn’t happen until kids are teens, and in the meantime you are missing out on 10+ years of potential fun with their friends’ parents. So yeah, nuts!
Anyhow says
my experience that somewhat validates the podcast… my tween recently “broke up” with his best bud in very messy fashion and it’s made my friendship with his mom very difficult. She wants to tell me everything my son is doing wrong and is clearly upset that I’m not making it better by forcing the kids to talk, hang out, etc. I have the view that maintaining my relationship with my son is more important and I’m not getting in the middle (futile anyhow, have you ever tried to force a 12 year old boy to have a friend?). So, yeah, it can be rough for the reasons the podcaster is likely referring to. That said, if I had anticipated this I wouldn’t have had the parent friendship over the past 5 years, which would be a bigger loss. And hopefully this a phase we will all move through.
Anonymous says
Gah, imo that mom is wrong, though. I recently had to tell a neighbor, who insists on coming to me every time our kids have a disagreement, that I do not have a role in playground drama. If her kid has beef with my kid because they called each other chubby-face and skinny-bones (true story), that’s a kid problem and they can solve it or choose not to play together. Unless my kids are doing something dangerous or hateful, I’m really not interested in intervening. I happen to live with my children and am well aware that they are not always perfect angels, I don’t need to know the details of what silly taunt they’ve come up with on any given day.
Anyway, I value friendships with parents of my kids’ friends, and think this advice is silly. If the parent turns out to be the kind of person who wants to talk about kid drama and/or assign fault for our respective kids not getting along with each other, I would avoid that person because I don’t enjoy their company, not because of the kids’ falling out.
EDAnon says
I can see that being rough, but I would hope my parent friends would be mature enough to now engage in that kind of putting people in the middle. (They may not be!).
Anon Lawyer says
The only version of this that kind of makes sense to me is not being BFFs with your kid’s high school gf/bf’s parents.
Anon says
LOLLL
Aunt Jamesina says
I really hate the parenting culture of deferring or denying adults’ needs for the “benefit” of children. Parents need friends. Children need parents who have full lives. It’s okay for friendships to change or fade or even rarely blow up. That’s life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
anon says
Agree with you 100%. This seems like punishing the parents, and for what? A hypothetical situation that may or may not happen?
EDAnon says
My parents did not have many friends and never tried to befriend my friend’s parents. I thought it was sad then and think it is sad now. I wish they’d had more of a life while I was a kid. Not doing so is coming to roost as they age and we’re grown up. They don’t have much community left.
Anon says
My parents are the exact same way, and we are currently not doing any better than they did – in fact, worse. They at least were friendly with their neighbors. We don’t even know our neighbors names! It makes me sad. I don’t want to be empty nesters with no local friends but I’m not sure how to make friends with other parents. All our attempts to reach out go nowhere.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thanks all! I usually like her advice but this one felt odd – it’s probably true that she’s got tons of other friends to pick from or a very large town but that’s not my situation, nor do I want to just never hang out with my kids’ friends’ parents. I can see maybe not planning an annual travel trip with the other parents in case it’s awkward in the future, but I don’t think we’d do that anyway.
Anon says
It says there are comments but none show up…
Cb says
Same!
Anonymous says
More disappearing comments. I saw one about Disney and one about parent friends. Now there is only the Disney one. Chrome.
Anon says
Leaning out as a lawyer…is there a way to do it? I’m a litigator in an intense government job (AUSA). I’ve been looking at some in house opportunities but am getting warned that the hours are not that much better than at a law firm. I am really burned out and just want a 9-to-5 at least for the next 3-5 years while my kids are so little. Money is not a big priority at this time. Is this just not something that exists for someone with my background? Relatedly, Sheryl Sandberg can go jump in a lake.
Anon says
I changed careers. Sounds like that’s not what you want to do though.
Anon says
I am totally open to changing careers actually. But I can’t figure out what I can transition to where I wouldn’t be back as a junior person/putting in my time which seems like it would also not be a great lifestyle choice. What did you transition to?
Anon says
I have a professional writing job that uses my undergrad STEM degree. I believe the job I got was advertised for someone with 2-4 years of experience. I was six years out of law school and was able to convince them that my legal writing experience would translate, which I think it has for the most part. I’m still here six years later with the same title and essentially the same salary, so I’m almost certainly overqualified at this point, but I’m ok with the lack of advancement as a trade-off for the 9-5 hours and low stress. There was a hefty paycut involved, but that’s more because lawyer is a much more lucrative profession than writer, not because I took a step back on the career ladder. We were able to make that paycut work because I’d been in Big Law for four years and saved a lot of money, we moved to a very LCOL area after I left Big Law, and my husband has a decently-paying job with excellent job security. We did postpone TTC so I could have about a year to prove myself in the new role which I remember being quite anxious about at the time, but we were lucky and conceived quickly when we tried so in hindsight it was not a big deal.
Allie says
That total exists – do ad law for a federal agency (social security, VA etc.)
Anoon says
Agree, agency would be a good fit, state or federal. There is far less autonomy in agency counsel work, in my experience. The work tends to be much shorter-term and immediate than building litigation in an AUSA role, for better and for worse. And if you are at the leadership level (general counsel) the hours are actually really long– I worked 60-70 hour weeks in that role, which I was not expecting since agencies have the reputation of being easy 35-hour open and shut jobs. That’s true at the line attorney level, I guess, if you were interested in taking several steps down.
anon says
No advice, but Sheryl Sandberg can indeed go jump in a lake.
Anono says
Agreed! Now that I’m a mom, it pisses me off that so many people mindlessly referenced her views as The Way.
Anonymous says
As an AUSA you would be a great candidate for federal agency in-house positions. I work in the litigation department of a federal agency OGC and the hours are, for the most part, 40 hours/week.
Anon says
Agreed but, alas…I’m not in DC and have no geographic flexibility. Thos jobs seem hard to come by elsewhere.
Anonymous says
Where are you based? I can think of some NY-specific options but they are geography dependent.
Anon Lawyer says
I just went through this research process in a non-DC city. (Biggest city in the state but not massive). My sense is that turnover tends to be pretty low so you really do have to be patient and grab one of those jobs when it comes up. But there are random agency branches around that aren’t immediately intuitive (like my city has 30 lawyers from Interior stationed here). I ended up taking a state agency job which honestly I’m happy as a clam at. 40 hours a week, good atmosphere, interesting and important work. The pay is slightly less than a federal job but only slightly and the other benefits are better. So I’d highly recommend looking at that route!
Anon says
If money is not a big deal, look at going solo if you have any experience that could be niche marketed. I’m a part-time solo and the ups and downs of my income, along with no benefits, are the biggest challenges. Otherwise I can be picky with clients, I usually don’t work more than 20 hours a week, and on average my annual income is very good (just not steady like a paycheck). Definitely happier I did this rather than going in house. I left a MidLaw firm where I had essentially built my own niche within my and I just kept doing the same work after I went on my own. Some clients followed me but even if they hadn’t I would be fine, I have had to turn down a lot of work to keep my hours where I want them.
anonM says
Agreed re lean in, and she’s walked back some of her own approach. ANYWAYSSS, yes, I think so. Your best bet in private practice is a boss that really is not about factime, preferably one that is fully/near fully remote. Based on your current job, you might be a good candidate for other governmental jobs. City corp counsel, city labor counsel, etc. all seem to have decent hours around my area. I also wouldn’t write off small firms with older partners – they may be trying to lean out themselves, and if you’re really skilled they’ll make compromises on hours.
Anon says
I’m about to make the switch from private firm to AUSA in a big city (think LA, NY). I’m curious – were you in private practice before becoming an AUSA? How do you compare the hours? From what I’ve heard there is more flexibility and more control over your schedule as an AUSA vs. Biglaw, though obviously you still work demanding hours. Also more job security which my friends find diminishes their stress level.
Anon says
I did work at a biglaw firm prior to being an AUSA . Overall the hours are better, and you have much more control over your time; it’s not a terrible work life balance option, except for trial time, which depending on the types of cases you do can happen more or less frequently (and which sucks, like I am basically going to miss my kids’ entire summer, no vacations, etc. this year). I do find the stress, however, is beyond the hours. As the government we are held to an extremely high standard and can basically never make a mistake. there’s also, like with any litigation, just lots of fighting with opposing counsel. my being burned out is less the hours than the pressure/confrontation.
anon says
Can you switch over to appeals? Stress will still be beyond the hours, but at least no trials and you don’t really fight with opposing counsel…
Anoon says
This is a good suggestion. Or appeals in a state AG’s office.
FVNC says
If in-house work appeals to you (for reasons other than potentially better hours), don’t count it out. I rarely work more than 40 hours/week and have great flexibility and autonomy. The downside is that my work is often not the most interesting, but the more interesting work comes with time demands (e.g., quarter end deals) that I’m not willing to take on. “In-house” is an incredibly broad job category and while many roles are just as demanding as an AUSA or biglaw practice, many are not.
Anon says
In-house varies, just as firms vary. I’m in-house, work 40-45 hours per week (and full-time remote, pre-pandemic), and total comp is just over 300K. It’s rare that I have longer hours or weekend work.
JoJo says
Help me pick a birthday present! I have an 18-mo old and am 28 weeks with #2 (both girls). My birthday is next week, and my parents have asked me for ideas, and I have none. I tried to think of an “upgrade,” and all I came up with is a Fawn diaper bag, but I don’t like the colors (I was hoping for blush pink), and my colleague says it’s heavy. Anything else y’all can think of? Would something that feels lux and just-for-me even if it is mom- or mat-leave focused.
AwayEmily says
Have her pay for a Snoo rental!
Another option: some kind of food subscription for after the baby comes (Zingermans has some great ones for snack-type stuff, or you could do a meal kit).
anonM says
If you don’t have one yet, a foldable wagon. Great with 2 kids, and there is a huge price range so maybe your parents pay for the “upgrade” for you! Or, a new mat or nursing top you actually like (if you’re planning on BFdg). I was so sick of my mat clothes with #2, that a few new nursing tops felt really nice.
An.On. says
I would ask for a maternity massage, esp. at 28 weeks.
Anonymous says
Things I’ve upgraded recently:
*Postpartum, I bought new underwear and new bras, which I hadn’t done in years. Probably not something you want to ask for, but it feels AMAZING to toss the old stuff in the trash.
*I bought the Food52 kitchen towel set, which has been great. Our old ones were a mess.
*I also replaced some really grotty sheet pans with nice new Nordicware, and an old frying pan with a ceramic greenpan that I’m really liking.
*Picnic blankets
DLC says
My husband gifted me a Rent the Runway subscription when I was pregnant with my third and I had a lot of fun with that.
Anonymous says
Sunglasses. Spring shoes or slippers. A cute spring jacket or nursing friendly maxi dress. Piece of jewelry.
anon says
Where are the comments going??
Anonymous says
To the same place where lost socks go I think
Anon says
I think it’s basically some form of a moderation queue. They’re released from the queue in batches and once they’re released they’re here for good and don’t disappear. Before they’re released I think you can see them if you’re logged in with a username and email you’ve posted with before, but if you refresh the page and your login info disappears, the non-released comments disappear too, which is why many people are seeing comments appear and then vanish.
govtattymom says
Today is my little one’s first day at daycare! Drop off went really well except for one thing; the sippy cups aren’t leak proof and spilled milk everywhere! Any suggestions on the best way to transport sippy cups to and from her classroom? I have an older daughter but I can’t remember what I did (this is the problem with the five year age gap, lol). Thanks so much!
Cornellian says
Congrats! How old is she?
I think I tried rubber stretchy covers from Target but ultimately accelerated the switch from sippy cups to proper little kid bottles with real lids.
Cornelian says
Also, I read your handle as Government Tattooed Mom hahahaha I was intrigued.
Cornellian says
Fertility-related trigger. I’m newly pregnant with my second and will be meeting next week for an ultrasound (because I previously had an ectopic pregnancy), and apparently they’ll talk to me about various genetic tests then. I get them I’m now 35 (was 29 the first time I got pregnant), but I can’t tell what, if any, of the tests makes sense.
Some relevant facts:
-Husband and I are 35 and 36
-no known familial issues with the disease they test for
-I had the carrier screening last time around and had one bad copy of a minor autoimmune disease that doesn’t really impact quality or length of life
-I have a healthy 5 year old
Carrier screening doesn’t seem necessary unless they’ve expanded the panel in the last five years, because I don’t have anything bad and husband is getting a vasectomy after this. Maybe our kids would like the knowledge but if they have kids, they’ll probably get better testing in 25 years anyway. I’m not opposed, it’s just two blood draws, but it seems useless.
An extra ultrasound at 10-11 weeks (I assume to check for nuchal translucency) is being offered, as is a second blood test in a month to see if I have baby’s cfDNA floating around indicating certain diseases (including diseases I wouldn’t view as a particularly big deal and wouldn’t abort my pregnancy for, and a couple rare, incompatible with life diseases I think I would terminate for.) It seems like the blood test is accurate at predicting Downs, but has a MAJORITY false positives for the other chromosomal abnormalities. If I got a positive, I guess I’d have to wait and get an amniocentesis to see if it was a false positive. I’m sort of inclined to skip it all and do the normal 16 week anatomy scan. I feel like the tests will just drive me crazy and insert more anxiety in to my life, especially since the positives they produce for the diseases I care about are more often than not FALSE. Is this crazy?
Anon says
I have never heard it has majority false positive for other diseases. Are you sure about that? Even if it’s true, keep in mind that the vast vast majority of tests return a negative, so the most likely scenario by far is that you get a reassuring negative result. A friend in CA (where apparently it’s standard to have the nuchal ultrasound; it isn’t where I live) got a “vague positive” on that and was sent for the cfDNA test for reassurance. It came back negative and no further testing was recommended, and her baby was fine. I recall my OB saying the tests are not as precise at predicting sex (especially if it tells you you’re having a girl I think? It’s easier to confirm the presence of boy DNA than to conclusively rule out the absence of boy DNA) but very good at the screening for the chromosomal disorders. (Although I’m not convinced ultrasounds are super accurate either? At my 20 week ultrasound the ultrasound tech was like “Uhhhh I….think…. it’s a girl?” And we were like “yes, that’s what the DNA test said” and she – very visibly relieved – said “Oh thank god.” It was a girl.)
I was 32 when I was pregnant, and I got the cfDNA test. I had to pay out of pocket because I have a high-deductible health plan. It was very reassuring to me, and I also loved finding out the (probable) sex earlier. I tend towards the anxious end of the spectrum but I would never consider not doing this because of the risk of a false positive. I’d want to know sooner rather than later if there was something wrong.
Cornellian says
Yeah, I am certain. It has a~81% PPV for Down’s (meaning 81% of alleged positives are actual positives) but is around 40% for the the trisomies I’d be worried about, and I think 50% for autosomal results. They admit it themselves if you read carefully, but have also gotten in trouble for misleading advertisements 10.1097/MD.0000000000024740 is one study cite
It seems like NT ultrasounds have about a 5% false positive rate for chromosomal stuff (but miss some cases, as well). I’m not sure the chance of knowing that something might be wrong (but probably isn’t) a couple weeks earlier isn’t worth it to me. I think if I were older or had a history of birth defects personally or in my family I might feel differently.
Anon Lawyer says
So I think it’s not a false positive technically because it’s not a diagnostic test. What they usually do is tell you that under a baseline you have a 1/10,000 chance of a certain conditions and this test came back showing you have an elevated risk like 1/300. Then they’ll offer diagnostic testing like an amnio. So the odds are still high that things will be totally fine but you might find it unnecessarily anxiety producing.
Anon says
That’s right – that’s the way to frame it. Not false positives but that they may recommend further testing.
I always like more information than not so I’ve always done any testing available. My SIL did find a genetic abnormality and wishes she hadn’t, but that was where the baby did have it and it’s also something that could hypothetically affect future pregnancies but this kid turned out to be fine. Anyway, I think knowledge is good – I’d do the NIPT at least.
Anon says
Yes. Most test results come back low risk, some they tell you have a higher risk. IIRC they break it into two categories, like moderately elevated risk and higher risk. So it’s not really a “positive” result so much as it is a flag for follow up testing, which I would want. Unless you’re very sure you would want to carry a child with any of these conditions to term, it seems really silly to choose not to do a screening for these conditions. But you do you.
NYCer says
I did the NIPT when I was pregnant both times (including at age 35 like you). I also had the Nuchal ultrasound at 12 weeks with both of my pregnancies (I think that is standard protocol in my doctor’s office, not just when the mother is 35+). Like an earlier poster said, I like information and I would rather know about potential issues sooner than later. I also wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl, but I realize that some people are fine waiting on that too.
Anon says
I also did the NIPT and Nuchal ultrasound, and this was AFTER we transferred a euploid (tested and determined to be chromosomally normal) embryo (IVF). I like information.
(Both were standard for me b/c I was 40 and did IVF). We’re gearing up for our next transfer now for the next baby, and will do all these things again.
Cornellian says
Thanks. I actually don’t even want to know the sex until birth, but that’s a fair point.
If the test was definitely telling me something was wrong, then I think I’d like to know. But if 50-70% of the time something is “wrong” it actually ISN’T wrong, that changes the calculus, I think. I guess I’m glad there aren’t may false negatives with NIPT but a false positive would be so heartbreaking (and obviously throw your life in to disarray while you tried to get amnio, arrange termination, explain to others what’s going on, etc).
Did you use Natera? That seems to be the main one and I’ve had literally 4 friends engaged in year+ long fights about how they billed, which is also not attractive to me.
NYCer says
My doctor used MaterniT21. I do not recall any billing issues honestly. I think (?) my doctor’s office dealt with the billing. I want to say my insurance covered it both times (at least definitely when I was 35), but I don’t remember exactly.
Anon says
But if you get a “positive” result (which is really more of an elevated risk signal than a true positive), your doctor will immediately get you scheduled for a diagnostic test that will confirm the result with high accuracy. It’s not like a “false positive” means your choices are terminate a possibly healthy baby or sit there for the rest of your pregnancy being anxious about it. If you would terminate a pregnancy where the child had XYZ condition and there’s a test for XYZ condition, I’m having a hard time understanding why you wouldn’t want to test for it.
Anonymous says
I would test even if you would keep the pregnancy no matter what. I like to be prepared for what’s ahead.
Anon says
That’s a good point. Even if I were going to keep a pregnancy where the baby had Down’s, I would want to know in advance so I had time to emotionally prepare and educate myself, and also tell our family and friends. I can’t imagine finding that out in the delivery room or the first few days of new motherhood, and getting that news while extremely sleep-deprived and hormonal.
Anon says
If you view it is a two-step screening process, does that change your feelings? Because that’s really what it is. Most people screen low risk on the first test, and don’t need any subsequent testing. If you screen high risk on the first test, you’ll get additional diagnostic testing that will give you a much more definitive result. I understand that if amnio didn’t exist, you wouldn’t want to live with the uncertainty of a vague high risk result. But it does exist, and I’m having a hard time following your logic about why you don’t want to do this just because their might be a couple weeks delay between screening high risk on the NIPT and getting the definitive amnio result. A positive result would certainly be emotionally devastating, but that’s going to be true regardless of whether you get it at 10 weeks or 12 weeks.
Aunt Jamesina says
As stated above, NIPT won’t tell you definitively if something is wrong and so doesn’t have “false positives”, it tells you if you need further testing. I would get it. It’s noninvasive and generally covered by insurance if you’re 35+.
Like you, I had carrier screening before becoming pregnant and was not a carrier for anything they screen for, but chromosomal abnormalities can be random and not tied to genetics! I (obviously) think it’s worth getting.
AwayEmily says
I would definitely do the NIPT (and have done it myself, three times — all my pregnancies were geriatric). Many insurances cover it if you are 35+.
Anonymous says
I did Nuchal scan for first, NIPT for second. Expecting Better has a good risk analysis framework for making a decision on this.
Cornellian says
Thanks! This isn’t what prompted my post, but I saw that NYT did a pretty balanced piece in January on them if anyone is interested.
Curious says
Congratulations, Cornellian :).
We did NIPT (the blood test you mention) and an early anatomy scan at 12 weeks. While there is a high false positive rate for NJPT, the overall test accuracy is very very high (almost no false negatives, and most results are negative), and we wanted early reassurance that the baby did not have a trisomy. Yes, it would have meant diagnostic testing in the case of a positive, but getting the negatives was a big relief. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Spirograph says
I only got the nuchal translucency ultrasound for my first. For subsequent pregnancies, I used the yardstick of “is this going to tell me something that I would consider aborting for?” and I decided that I would not abort for Downs, so I didn’t do it. The majority false positives for other chromosomal abnormalities seems crazy to me! I *did* do a blood test, but was most interested in the sex of the baby. I don’t remember my doctor ever counseling me about a high rate of false positives for high-risk markers, although it was years ago and I may have just forgotten…
Testing says
FWIW, I’m in California where the nuchal translucency is standard. I also did NIPT/cell free DNA testing for both of my pregnancies (one geriatric, one not). It seems to me that there are diseases/conditions that (1) you care about, (2) the NIPT/amnio would pick up and (3) the nuchal would *not* pick up, so I’m not sure why to skip the NIPT/amnio. The other thing is that even if you’d continue the pregnancy, you might just want to know in advance. For example, we would have continued a pregnancy with a baby likely/certain to have Down, and we would have used the advance knowledge to read books, find parent groups, and do other kinds of preparatory stuff (versus processing it all and handling logistics when you also have a brand new baby). Preferences and temperaments differ, of course, but the above was our basic thought process.
Curious says
Hi there! Baby travel advice request. I haven’t been around lately, so apologies if this has come up — feel free to point me to prior threads.
We are thinking of taking baby on a two week trip to visit all her grandparents in August. It’s my mom’s 70th birthday. My side of the family is near Chicago, and husband is in the northeast.
Baby will be 11 months and probably just starting to walk at the time. She is a good daytime and nighttime sleeper in a familiar environment. No idea how she’d do on a plane. I’m trying to figure out what time of day to fly to have the least hassle. Daytime with no bedtime overlap, and try to get a nap in on the plane? Evening overlapping with bedtime, and hope we can carry her asleep through the airport? We’ve never traveled more than like 20 minutes in the car with her (thanks, COVID and cancer), so we are pretty clueless.
Curious says
Oh, and we are coming from Seattle. So eastbound Seattle to Chicago is about 4 hours, Chicago to Boston 2 hours, Seattle to Boston 5 hours, everything 20% more on the way back. Not sure the order of cities yet.
Anon says
It’s highly dependent on the kid. My child slept on planes and in cars as a very young infant but never did after the age of about 6 months, even though we continued to bring a carseat with us. We do overnight flights only when there’s no alternative (e.g., going to Europe, returning from Hawaii). For any travel within the continental US we always choose daytime flights, ideally flights that don’t require us to wake up super early. For us (with the caveat that my kid was not a good napper as a baby and gave them up completely at an early age), missing a nap has always been much easier than missing a big chunk of nighttime sleep. Keep in mind your own sleep needs too. If you have daytime flights at a reasonable hour you won’t be sleep-deprived yourself, which will make the child-wrangling easier.
At 11 months she could be walking confidently or she could be not walking at all. Mine was a very late walker at 18 months, but many of my friends had kids walk in the 14-16 month range. I think travel actually gets a lot easier when they’re walking. I was a bit of a germophobe even pre-Covid and I never let my kid crawl on airport floors or on hotel floors, so we had to do more active entertaining/containment during that stage. Once she was walking we could sit and read a bit while she toddled around.
Anonymous says
I would do daytime because at least it won’t leave you sleep deprived. Some kids nap on planes, some don’t. I’d rather miss a nap than night-time sleep. Also, kids tend to be less cranky earlier in the day, and you have more time for delays, so the earlier the better really.
Anon says
I agree with Anon–easier to have a daytime flight and miss naps than miss a chunk of nighttime sleep. We made the mistake with my first of booking a late-night flight (BOS–>SFO) at 12 months, thinking based on prior experience pre-6 months that the plane white noise was soothing and sleep would be easy. Ha! Kiddo fell asleep in the last 20 minutes of the flight, the plane landing woke them, and sleep did not happen again until we reached a bed. If you fly during the day and miss a nap, my belief is there’s a higher chance that kiddo will pass out at a reasonable for the time change hour and you can “slam shift” onto the new time zone. Or at least I tell myself that before we travel across time zones.
I also agree that at 11 months, my kids have all been not quite walkers but highly mobile and needing to hold hands and go up and down the aisle (crawling on airplanes is just too gross to imagine) and that for me is personally a lot easier during the day than a late night flight.
Of all the flights you have to take, the worst will be BOS–>SEA just because it’s the longest, so if you can break that up and do Boston first and then Chicago, you’re likely making your flights overall easier. At least that’s what I’d do with those city options. We do coast to coast regularly (or did pre-Covid) and that east to west leg is harder than west to east in my opinion.
Curious says
This makes perfect sense!
Anon says
My kid ALWAYS passes out during the last 20 minutes of a long flight, after being awake for hours upon hours. A flight attendant told me once there’s something about the change in pressure that puts them to sleep, although that reasoning makes more sense to me with respect to takeoff.
Curious says
Thanks so much. This is super helpful so far. I’m predict walking because she’s already sitting confidently on her own at under 6 months and just generally seems to pick up gross motor things a little early (in comparison to e.g., talking, where she’s just been average on milestones). Could be totally wrong though, so it’s good to consider all possibilities.
Anon says
It’s about motivation as well as skill. Many kids who are confident crawlers don’t see a whole lot of need to walk. I’ve noticed it especially with only/oldest children who don’t have an older sibling running around that they want to keep up with. I joke that our kid walked so late because the only person her size in the house was our dog, who walks on four legs, but in all seriousness I think there’s truth to the idea that kids walk earlier when they have older siblings or peers they play with all day who are walking. Otherwise they may be content to crawl everywhere.
Anonymous says
+1. Our daughter was crawling well before 6 months but refused to walk alone until 12.5 months. I think part of it was that she could get herself anywhere she wanted to go very efficiently by crawling, pushing her wagon, or demanding that an adult give her a finger to hold while she walked. I also think it was because she is a perfectionist and won’t do anything until she knows she can succeed. She was not into the whole take a few toddling steps, fall down, get back up mode of learning. Once she was walking alone, she didn’t fall.
Anonymous says
Oh good to know. And she isn’t crawling yet, so not *that* early.
Walnut says
Every time I have tried to optimize to nap/sleep schedules the world has laughed in my face. I would optimize to whatever flights are in your preferred travel time and are ideal for the family you’re visiting. FWIW, I usually target to flying out mid-morning so I don’t have to leave for the airport at an insanely early hour and arrive back at home in the afternoon, so I can run some laundry and put stuff away before bedtime.
anonM says
Might not be the popular opinion, but at that age it is hard to know if they will nap in unusual situations, so I’d prioritize parents’ sleep. Try to make sure you get a full night of sleep before leaving and not do a super early or super late flight. That way, even if they are super excited and stay up the whole time, you won’t be exhausted and can handle it better. Also, they may or may not be walking at 11 mo but they are getting bolder by then usually, so maybe suggest to grandparents that they pick up a cheap baby gate for any stairs at their house so you can relax a bit at their homes. And bring a sound machine. It’s a good age to travel usually because you don’t have TOO many babyproofing issues yet (compared to the 2yo who opens every cabinet possible agh) and everyone will be so thrilled to see baby! Have fun!
JoJo says
I just flew for the first time with my 18-mo old and the plane sucked, but it was worth it and we were only gone 5 days. So if the logistics stressed you out as much as they did me, I hope that’s helpful.
We tried to hit nap times and bedtime with flights and essentially failed on all accounts, so I agree with flying earlier int he day and prioritizing non-travel night-time sleep.
Agree with the travel sound machine with new places. Grandparents rented crib, stroller, and high chair, which was helpful to not have to worry about.