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It’s still hot and sticky in the DMV (DC-Maryland-Virginia, for those outside the Beltway), but my inbox is filling up with cozy sets like this one, perfect for working from home once things cool down.
I’m a longtime fan of The Reset’s laid-back, yet polished knits, and the Essential Knit Funnel is calling my name. The relaxed silhouette is paired with a polished funnel neck. The three-quarter dolman sleeves and “Fine Merino Cashfeel Wool” lets you move with ease and in comfort. I’m going to have a hard time choosing from the five gorgeous fall colors.
The Essential Knit Funnel is $178 and comes in biscotti, boysenberry, sage, black, and ocean. It’s available in XS to L/XL. Matching pants are also available!
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anxious Energy says
I’ve been feeling some pent up anxious energy the past few days, like I need to do some sort of project or have an adventure.
Anyone ever have similar feelings? Project ideas to channel it into? I’m thinking something like painting a room in the house, but they’ve been painted recently.
Spirograph says
Adventure sounds more fun than a project, but I often use this energy to clean out a closet. The linen closet, coat closet, and my office closet are calling my name, currently. Or if the weather is turning where you live, swap out seasonal clothes (and maybe do a toy purge while you’re at it) and do a donation/recycling run.
Anonymous says
When I am angry I rage-clean closets. Lately my closets have been very organized.
EDAnon says
I thought I was the only one!
Anonymous says
If you’re in the mood for adventure, hard no on painting or chores. Chores are not a leisure activity! Get out of the house and do a day trip somewhere you’ve never been. Be a tourist in your own region.
EDAnon says
When I am anxious, something HARD helps. Like a bike ride on tough hills. It’s distracting and raises my heart rate for a good reason.
anononoy says
GEEZE are we having a rough transition to preschool. I’d like to hear from anyone who has experience with “that kid”? Runs away, throws things, won’t wear a mask, doesn’t play with things for its intended purpose? My almost 3yo is tough as a baseline, barely napped (when usually does 1.5-2hrs) and was misbehaving so much the school asked me to get him early on his first day. I don’t want him to have the “bad kid” label pinned on him so early as my kid is the youngest in the class (and school). Should I slow the intro? Just send him for the morning for a few weeks and let him nap at home until it’s more familiar and then add hours later (we can temporarily stretch and try to make this work)?
anon says
My 3.5yo is having a tough time too, but preschool is at the same school, same classmates, etc as “summer camp” so not nearly as bad as when he’s switched daycares or moved to the next class. I also really worried about the “bad kid” label after he acted up when he moved up into this class. One thing that helped was going to talk to the teacher specifically WITHOUT son around (don’t want him hearing a reiteration of every “bad” thing he did) to get some more context for the behavior and hear her advice on how we can support him. It also usually takes 2 full weeks after a transition for him to settle back down, so if it has just been a few days I’d wait it out a bit. I also try to keep things super low-key at home around that time — lots of free play, try my best to limit weekend plans and lots of cuddle/read books time. If we have too many activities around a transition it’s just way too much for him. Good luck!
Anon says
We had this and the answer was that he needed another year. He went to Pre-K as a 3 year old (cutoff is December, he’s a November). Every day I had a conversation with the teacher about behavior. We were doing charts and long conversations and plans for safe choices and… I had to pick him up several times.
We made it through the year but it was rough.
Honestly, because he was too young. I sent him to Pre-K the next year when he was 4. Suddenly, every day I was hearing how helpful and kind my kid was. What a good listener, how he was great at following directions and being patient. I legit checked to make sure they had the right kid.
Anon says
This is hard! We did Big Little Feelings approach of prep, 10 min miracle, etc., and while it wasn’t a magic fix I do think it helped over time. I also found that my son does better when he isn’t there more than about 35 hours a week total. Kinda stinks because it puts pressure on our schedule, but for now it’s been worth it to limit his hours a bit. I don’t think I’d completely pull him from afternoons though – being there part time compared to the other kids might actually make things worse instead of better. Thankfully our teacher understood it was a transition thing and was patient, but it was rough for a few weeks.
Allie says
I would focus on the napping – can you practice napping on a cot on the weekends? Bring in a lovie for him to nap with at school? Give the teachers tips to get him to nap? I think a kid who needs a 1.5 hour nap is just going to be mess without it. You and the teachers should strategize about what you both can do to get the nap to happen.
Anon says
Another preschool transition question. My 3 year old twins just started preschool for the first time and when i drop them off (as i just did and came right to this board for some moral support) they are hysterical. Really one gets hysterical which then sets off the other. All the other kids in the class are playing nicely together while mine are clutching me and screaming bloody murder. I’m scared none of the other kids will ever want to play with them
No Face says
Many kids who are hysterical at drop off are fine the moment their parents are gone. Maybe ask the teacher if the twins adjust well after you leave?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep. I bet they are over it immediately and the other kids don’t care/see lots of meltdowns all day anyway.
Anon says
Yep, I used to peel my screaming 2yo twins off my legs and leave them with the teacher while they wailed and I walked out the door…and then 5-10 minutes later would get a text from a friend of “I just dropped of my kid and yours were happily playing with puzzles!” or whatnot. And after the first week they didn’t even cry for those 5 minutes.
Also, this is probably the worst transition! At 4 they just started preK and had no qualms about being dropped off at the door of a giant public school.
RR says
It will be fine. They will get past this, and they will not be ostracized from other kids because of a rough preschool transition. I promise every kid in that class will have at least one in-class meltdown during the year.
Anon says
The good news is kids like that developmentally don’t have much of a social order – so you don’t need to worry about them being excluded because they melt down during drop off.
Anon says
This should say “kids that age”
DLC says
My 4 year old is an angel at drop off and no one plays with him either, so…
But yeah, I’m a big fan of the drop and run method. It’s is definitely so hard to leave your crying children- all those biological instincts kick in. But i figure I’m leaving my child in the hands of professionals whom I am paying to take care of my child; staying only makes their job harder so I need to get out of they way. We’ve done the “Give mom a tushie pushie out the door” method and that sometimes worked.
Anon says
Just curious, how do you know know one is playing with him? I never really considered this … did the teachers bring it up? I don’t see the classroom and drop off/pickup is outside for us. My son can be shy so now I’m wondering if I should ask how he’s doing socially.
DLC says
I just ask him who he played with at school. Once in a while he will mention some names, but usually he says he didn’t play with anyone. I don’t think he being ostracized or anything; I think kids this age (especially boys) aren’t terribly socially adept, particularly after being in pandemic isolation.
Pogo says
The hysterical screaming at dropoff was definitely a phase for us. At 4 and almost 8 full months in preschool, I can’t remember the last time it happened! I feel like so much of parenting is like that – something consumes your whole world and you have no ideal how you’ll get through it, and then one day you can’t remember the last time you dealt with it.
I really appreciated the director who would physically carry LO into the building and then text me a photo of him playing happily soon after. I very firmly believe in a rip the band aid approach – it hurts your heart in the moment but the director assured me in her 20+ years that it results in way less crying overall. I actually didn’t have much of a choice due to COVID (we can’t go in the building) but I’m really glad that it was the approach she used with LO. He would have screamed and clawed at me for wayyy longer if I had tried to stay and “calm him down” or anything.
Anonymous says
Just got home from a similar drop off so I feel you. The other kids do not care. With my older child it got better over time in fits and starts- many days in 4s were fine, all days in kindergarten were fine. First grade he’s still upset at home in the morning but the actual drop off is fine (and hey, I do not ever want to go to work in the morning either so I get it). The transition from screaming child to major c-suite meeting is a tough one but I just tell myself it will get better over time and I have photographic evidence he’s doing ok later in the day.
anon says
I ordered matching Mommy & Me braclets for my 3 year old and I off of Etsy to help with separation anxiety at school dropoff. Her teacher told me it actually really helped. I show her that I’m wearing mine before I leave her each day and it seems to give her a little more confidence to walk in without me.
Mm says
Did anyone have a big physical reaction to weaning from nursing? I haven’t really been having clogs, so don’t think it’s mastitis, but have felt weirdly flu-like, nauseous, and feverish. And also emotionally so raw. For once, no one else in the household is sick, which is part of why I’m thinking this is related to weaning.
Anonymous says
Hot bath, sudafed and rest. it’s a big change for bodies
Anon says
Not physical, but a big emotional reaction, it’s a lot of change in hormones
anon says
+1 Cup of Jo has a great essay on weaning hormones. No one mentions it as a risk of breastfeeding ahead of time and it was awful, even with super gradual weaning.
Anon says
I felt nauseous for two or three weeks while weaning, like I might vomit. My head was sometimes foggy, too, the way it is with a cold or flu. I was ready and excited to wean, so it was a bit of a disappointment that the transition was physically pretty tough for me.
Bette says
This. I was SO EXCITED to ween and then had a really hard time with it. Took 6+ weeks to complete the process, and that was coming from one nursing session a day.
I finally took sudafed for a few days which made me feel much worse in the short term but moved the process along much faster.
Pogo says
Hormones are REAL. My biggest symptoms were a super wonky period complete with two weeks of discharge (TMI) that I actually went to the OB for because I thought something was wrong. I also had a 3-day migraine that almost broke me physically and mentally.
Anonymous says
I hope you also got a Covid test!
Anon says
Seriously!
Anon says
I did. I had it happen too a few days after delivery.
Anonymous says
I feel feverish with engorgement after having a baby so this wouldn’t be abnormal to me. Like feverish plus night sweats both times (no actual fever, my milk just comes in like a freight train). I could not feel clogs either time with mastitis. But yeh I’d also get a COVID test because you could just be sick?
anon says
MIL keeps buying my daughter clothes and it drives me nuts! I try to keep her wardrobe minimal because she wears a uniform to school and its just easier to have few options. DD isn’t picky about what she wears but recently expressed an interest in wearing a skirt. So, I got her a couple of skirts. MIL bought her 7 new skirts! Now, getting DD dressed in the morning has an added step of deciding which skirt to wear. I cant give them away, because MIL will notice and get upset. Asking MIL to stop buying things will cause more problems, rather than fix them. Ugh!
Anonymous says
Put them in a box in the closet/under the bed. Rotate in one or two skirts out at a time. Skirts get worn, no debate/visible choices about it.
Anonymous says
My mom is like this. Constantly buys stuff my kids aren’t interested in like jeans with buttons. I hang it in the closet with tags left on so it is available if they ask (which they don’t). Donate or bring to local consignment shop when they have outgrown that size. In my mom’s case it’s an excuse to shop, she forgets half the stuff she gives them.
I sit down and pick out 5 outfits with the kids once per week and put it in a container with 5 slots. That way there isn’t a daily debate about what to wear. If I know my kids will see my mom on certain days (she picks up twice a week), then I’ll sometimes rotate in something she gave them. Like before we go over for Sunday dinner I put the kids in a fresh shirt and just use one that mom gave them.
Anon says
if she wears a uniform each day, is this skirt thing a weekend only issue? if so, is it really that big of a deal? can you hide some so that instead of 10+ choices, there are 3 choices? i also have my kids choose their clothes the night before. one of my daughters in particular LOVES dresses and likes to look at them at night before choosing one.
anonamommy says
Have her pick out outfits the night before. Even with uniforms, it eliminates any decisions for groggy minds.
Any chance you could exchange 1-2 skirts for the next size up to prolong the gift?
anon says
Thanks, all. You’re all right, this isnt a big problem. What bugs me is that this “gift” creates more work for me and makes me nervous that a misstep will create a big emotional episode with MIL. I’m just on edge from a recent visit.
Walnut says
Another idea, next time your daughter expresses an interest in a new type of clothing, drop it into a conversation with MIL. Chances are, it’ll show up and you won’t have to buy anything!
You could also attach it with flattery “MIL, you love to shop so much. Daughter just mentioned she would like a skirt. Have you seen any good ones in the stores lately? Where do you think I could check?” Then let her offer to shop for you!
Bonus points if she buys shoes – those suckers are expensive!
anon says
I tend to keep a few “new” items tucked away for those mornings when I need to motivate my kid to get ready. Something about new items is just enough to make getting ready for school fun (and not a fight).
I’d tuck several options away and pull them out at a moment of your choosing. Make sure you text a picture of your DD wearing the items to your MIL so you get credit for having her wear them.
Anonymous says
My new kindergartener is, as expected, riding the Hot Mess Express this week. My oldest spent her first few weeks of K in tears. This kiddo (my middle) is overtired/overwhelmed but instead of tears we get spastic energy + unbridled rage.
What’s worked: Completely undivided 1:1 attention from an adult when she gets off the bus until she eventually goes to bed. Ideally with a calm but focused task. She seems to like brushing/braiding my hair, or doing a puzzle with DH. Anything involving playing with a sibling turns to an immediate fight. She cannot play by herself, either (though is normally great at this).
Screens are a temporary band-aid- I tried popcorn and a movie and that was great until one of her sisters had to pee and paused (or asked to pause) the movie and literally all hell broke loose.
Going to bed early is a non-starter. In fact, she’s so overtired that she’s missing her normal bedtime (she’s in her room but keeps popping out of bed until 30 min later than she should be; starting earlier only has made it worse).
We can’t keep ignoring work and our other kids to give her 1:1 time from 3pm-8pm so I need some ideas for how to manage as the weeks wear on. This will eventually get better but…it is not better yet. Yesterday I did a dance party complete with disco ball where I held my K kiddo and danced while my other two danced around. That killed an hour. One night she was incapable of eating, so I put her in the bathtub and fed her dinner in there while she rested. Tonight we are going to try more physical activity by bringing her to the playground next to my older kid’s soccer practice and having a pizza picnic.
The hardest part of this all is that when she is overtired she is MEAN. Like borderline cruel/nasty to her siblings…and I know she can’t help it. Hitting, shoving, saying mean things. We have been trying to keep them totally separate since K kiddo is incapable of reason in this state. When well slept she is normally a great kid.
My oldest melts down in a puddle of sad mopey tears and can be consoled with hugs and snuggles when stressed/overtired. My youngest needs love and cuddles. My middle…we just can’t figure out what she needs, other than attention. and I’m hoping time.
Ideas?? (FWIW her K teacher says she’s doing awesome. So at least this is only a home problem.)
Anonymous says
We’ve been doing a lot of vegging on the couch with disney plus on the ipad. Like snack, ipad time for an hour, or hour and a half, dinner, straight up to bath, longer bath than normal, then bed.
Anonymous says
I have no idea but . . . just want to say kudos for how hard you’re working on this, and the effort and energy you’re putting in to helping her. You’re a good mom, in a rough patch. : )
anon says
Ditto this.
AwayEmily says
Seriously. You have some lucky kiddos.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My oldest also just started K and is also being extra emotional and physical when he gets home. He’s in aftercare some days and with my dad other days so we don’t have a lot of time to do 1 on 1 when he gets home. He also picks fights with his little brother. We’ve been trying to stay calm and remember that this is all very normal as it’s a big transition and he’s very sensitive. I’m not sure if there are any solutions beyond time but just offering my sympathies and commiseration here.
rakma says
Greetings from the hot mess express. My K kiddo ate chicken nuggets for dinner in front of a tablet watching Cocomelon at 4pm yesterday, because that’s just where she is right now. It was raining here yesterday which didn’t help the melt down levels at all, getting outside even for 20 minutes does seem to help.
You said she’s not great about playing by herself, but would a craft or project that she can complete near you but without a huge amount of assistance help? Waterbeads or color by stickers or something else that’s not too intense but requires a little focus on her part?
Anon says
i would say that it sounds like you know what your kid needs, but the problem is it just isn’t practical to give it to her. i have the same problem in my house. we have twins, but i do a lot of solo parenting monday – friday and they recently dropped their nap so they are a hot mess by the evening. they both want 1:1 attention, but there is one of me, and two of them. they start pulling each other’s hair, taking each other’s toys, etc. your K kid sounds like one of my twins who is also harder to calm down. and yes, their teachers say they are a delight at school. baths tend to help a lot, and while sometimes they get ragey in the bath and will take each other’s toys and splash water out, those are often good. we sometimes do color baths (drops of food coloring), paint baths where they paint with water colors on the tub and then wash them off, popsicle baths or block baths. snuggling and reading on the couch, (though then one child often tries to climb onto the book making it impossible to read), and a new thing i just tried this week, is listening to episodes of daniel tiger. i dont think they are quite ready to listen to an audio book where they don’t know the story, but this has been good so far. hang in there! this too shall pass (or at least that is what i tell myself…i’m the poster above who posted about her kids being hysterical at drop off)
Anon says
I’d give her a dinner-sized snack immediately upon getting home, then try to get her outside for 30+ minutes. Those two things help(ed) my kiddos (from preK-1st grade) immensely. They still start acting out as the evening goes on, but then you could give her a quick banana and get her off to bed without worrying about a full dinner later.
Spirograph says
All the empathy to everyone with a new Kindergartener! Mine just started this week, so it’s not terrible yet, but I’m bracing myself for next week. I have a kid (or two) that gets mean when tired, too, and it is so much worse than the meltdowns. Some things that have worked for me:
1. Read a chapter book aloud, one-on-one. ~15 minutes of snuggling and listening to a story does wonders for all my kids’ bad moods. They like having something just for them, and look forward to continuing the story.
2. Outdoor time with friends/neighbors. Hit or miss, it depends on whether the rage pushing & shoving extends to people outside the family. My kids usually limit it to siblings.
3. Help cook dinner – this checks the focused attention and distraction boxes, plus my picky eater tends to eat more if she was involved in prep. But, of course, it will make your dinner prep take twice as long.
4. I know you said early bedtime is a nonstarter, but maybe try shaking up bedtime a little? We do sleepytime music at bedtime, and that usually helps calm down even cranky overtired kids. My big guns are audiobooks — I find that makes them stay awake a little longer because they’re engaged in the story, but if the goal is to just have her in her bed resting and not hurting anyone, you can put her to bed a half hour early and let her listen? I use audiobooks for “quiet time” on weekends too, where there’s really no expectation of sleep anymore, just you-need-to-be-calm-and-stay-in-your-room.
avocado says
My tenth-grader is driving that Hot Mess Express train this week after 18 months out of the classroom. School is loud and hot and noisy and chaotic and it’s natural for kids to be exhausted after the first several days. It sounds as if you are on the right track with managing it, but the siblings create constraints. If your daughter is a “highly sensitive person” who is overwhelmed by all of this, it makes total sense that just she can’t handle dealing with her siblings after school. If she won’t play alone and you don’t have the capacity for constant one-on-one attention, can you allow solo screen time in a room by herself where no one else will need to pause the movie? Will she read by herself? Listen to an audiobook? Do dot-to-dots or color?
Re. eating challenges, have you tried giving her something easy to consume to get her blood sugar up immediately upon arriving home, like chocolate milk in a straw cup? That can avert some meltdowns and also give her the energy and appetite to eat actual food.
anonamommy says
More food and more rest. We’ve given our K-er so many more snacks and it seems to make a difference. Also putting her to bed early but not turning out lights — letting her color in bed quietly, or read for a half an hour, seems to help transition to rest.
anon says
No suggestions, but much sympathy! My twins just started K and are also a mess without undivided attention at home, which is tricky because there’s two of them.
Our solution is just power through until bedtime, but they’re also so exhausted they fall asleep right away. Currently our schedule looks like get home at 4:45, one parent gives them attention while the other cooks dinner, eat 5:30-6, go right upstairs for pjs, teeth, stories, tuck them into bed at 6:30. It’s an exhausting 2 hours full of non-stop chatter from one and meltdowns from the other, but once we get them into bed they fall right asleep within 15 minutes.
Anonymous says
wow, I am so jealous you can get kindergarteners to bed at 6:30! That’s usually when we’re eating dinner.
anon says
+1 on an early bedtime, like 6pm. Kindergarten is exhausting. We still had meltdowns early on in kindergarten, but the early bedtime helped.
No Face says
Same. I have a kid dinner ready before school/daycare pickup. They eat and get ready for bed right when we get home. They wake up after 7am now too!
Anon says
Solidarity. The meltdowns are over just about anything and I know it’s just about the transition. I’ve been doing at least an hour outside. My kid is much less likely to harass her siblings when outdoors – playground or just nearby green spaces. It will be cold here soon enough…
Anon says
Have you tried her listening to a podcast with headphones next to you on couch while you work on a computer? Probably leaning up against you for physical contact? Circle around is good and each waited is long , usually twenty minutes
AwayEmily says
I was also going to suggest podcast or audiobook (especially super familiar stuff — my new K-er has been listening to the audiobook version of Frozen lately) — and that can also be paired with a low-key activity like drawing or a sticker book. That helps mine decompress.
Anonymous says
No ideas but as the mom of a first grader (who had barely any in person kindergarten) on the hot mess express, you can’t imagine how helpful it is to hear that our current dynamic is playing out similarly for others. Sometime you think “only my kid is having this hard a time,” you know? Like this week I’ve been wondering how, exactly, other people’s kids do after school activities when mine is a total basket case by the time he gets home at 4, not having eaten anything hardly at school…
Anonymous says
OP here. Thanks for the solidarity ;)
Food- got this covered, she’s fed constantly from sunup to sun down. This was a known concern going in so we are extra on it. See: bathtub meals, bus stop bananas, car ride pancakes Etc.
Sleep- we do what we can but we’ve always had sleep issues. It sort of is what it is and moving bed time up is unfortunately not really going to happen. She’ll just wake up at 4am. As it is she is waking up with nightmares some night. She can’t do music or I spy books books before bed or it amps her up. We are doingchapter books which has been working well. She can’t read yet and this is a source of frustration as her older sib gets to read before bed.
Love the idea of audiobooks. She’s super into PlayAway books from the library. Not before but maybe before dinner.
I’m glad to hear outside time helps. That’s what we are trying tonight. I also like the idea of sticking her in a closed door with the iPad and food. Somehow that didn’t occur to me. We only have one so it’s often a source of bickering.
I did sign her up for a couple after school activities but told her gymnastics instructor we’d be skipping september ;). It’s also on a day when she will often have half days for professional development.
Anon says
I know what you meant, but I just have to say I like the idea of a kindergartener doing professional development :)
AwayEmily says
actual LOL at this.
Anonymous says
We’ve been trying to get pregnant with our third baby for about a year now (through lots of IVF) and are now in the final stages of lining things up with an egg donor and should hopefully be pregnant in the next 2-3 months. I’m frustrated by how long this process has taken (mostly due to some surprise medical stuff I had to clear up before we could move forward, bad luck, and COVID delays). If we get pregnant on this cycle, I’ll be 43 when the baby is born. I have all sorts of guilt about using donor eggs for a third baby (widely seen as “optional” but very much desired by our family) and discomfort by being 43 when the baby is born. Mainly because I just feel like I’ll be so old as the baby grows older and because I feel like I’ll just look ridiculous. Wondering if others have been through anything similar and if you can provide any reassurance.
GCA says
I’m sorry you are going through this long journey, but you can do hard things. If it’s any comfort, I don’t think others know or judge how we grow our families. Whether you use donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption, or more, uh, traditional conception methods — most people will not care and many people will be happy for you regardless. Plus, technically all children are ‘optional’ but we all do what we do to complete our families. This internet stranger sends you strength!
Anon says
Hi, I had an IVF baby two months before I turned 43. Pregnancy was as easy as my first at 35, and having a little one keeps me feeling young. Do I look ridiculous on the playground with my now-14 month old? Maybe. I’ve not yet had anyone ask me if I was ‘grandma.’ But after spending so many years trying and failing to have a baby, I’m still in a bit of awe that I got the chance to be a mom again, so I don’t really care.
OP says
Thank you, I’m happy to hear you were able to have your baby, and for the record, I dont think it’s ridiculous looking at all — it’s my own insecurities talking. I think it’s worse bc I moved from NYC to an area where people have kids at a younger age. Enjoy your toddler!
AwayEmily says
I’ll be aaaalmost 43 when my third is born in February. I’ve never felt like age has come up in any of my kid-related interactions. I think people are so focused on other aspects of parenting that the parents’ age just doesn’t matter. Or at least, it doesn’t matter to the people who you’d want to be friends with. I have mom friends now who are in their early 30s, and also ones in their late 40s. The only time I remember explicitly talking about age was when one of my friends (whose daughter is 4) got to get vaccinated early because she was 50 and we were all super jealous.
Anon says
Any recommendations for post partum undies? Having a planned c section if that makes a difference. My regular underwear is worn out – in the past I did generic high waisted briefs from Target but I think there’s better options out there. TIA!
Anon says
I like the natori bliss full fit.
Anon says
I went gap cotton bikini and all in black and in an appropriate size (why I didn’t size up earlier we’ll chalk up to pregnancy fog). For some silly reason I didn’t think I would bleed much after (oh, the things you learn), so black and breathable and able to support pads were critical for those first 5+ weeks.
Anon says
Nausea during pregnancy … send me all your tips please. I am not vomiting luckily but am a little nauseous pretty much all the time. Constantly eating sort of helps.
Anon says
You will find a food that will work for you – for me it was iced black tea from Dunkin’ Donuts – unsweetened – a large but in an extra large cup with extra ice and extra lemon (can anyone tell I had one right next to my office at the time?). Ice water with lemon was also somewhat helpful to me personally but my BFF was team ginger ale and ginger tea.
Something that always helps me with rough times is to remember that everything is a season. I was just nauseated and thought all food sounded disgusting from about 6-16 weeks. I remember that saltines were a meal and saltines with butter were another meal – anything that sounded remotely sweet (which included things like bread, macaroni and cheese, fruit, yogurt…) made my stomach turn. Tomatoes were the worst. But now? Just a memory I kind of smile at.
Anonymous says
Zofran and lots of small snacks with protein. The real cure is childbirth, though.
Anon says
Pink stork makes a probiotic that claims to reduce morning sickness. I took it with my most recent pregnancy and felt much better than I had with the previous two – and on the one day I forgot to take it, I threw up. I still felt nauseous, but it was manageable.
I’ve also had luck with eating ice cream right before bed, which helped me with middle of the night/first thing in the morning nausea.
Anonymous says
Just carry around a small bag of oyster crackers and eat a couple when you feel a wave coming on.
anon says
Constantly eating was the only thing that helped with my first. I found baby carrots worked best. I was eating more than a pound a day, to the point we joked the baby was going to come out orange.
Anon says
For me that nausea was oddly exhibiting acid reflux and Pepcid helped (Zantac helped more with my first pregnancy but apparently it was poison so . . . )
AwayEmily says
The unisom + b6 helped a lot for me. I messed around a bit with the proportions to get it right — based on some advice from this board I ended up doing half a unisom at night, and then half a b6 at night and half in the morning. It didn’t solve everything but it made it tolerable.
Allie says
ginger candies and constantly eating carbs (mostly crackers)
Anonymous says
Gin gin candies and happy tummy tea. I got the tea at whole foods, but you can get it online as well. I would drink it hot and iced. I was very, very hydrated.
Anonymous says
If constantly eating helps, try to have something right when you wake up, before you even sit up and get out of bed. DH used to bring me crackers in the morning and it helped a lot.
Anonymous says
Just need to vent. My parents recently moved very close to us and committed to picking kiddos up from school and watching them in the afternoons this year. Helping with the kids was a big part of the reason they moved closer, and they were overly effusive about their desire to be “helpful” and that they were “available to watch the kids as much as needed” before school actually started. Well, fast forward a month into school, and they have now flaked out more than 50% of the time they agreed to, including for a last minute “vacation” that they told us about the day before they left. We’ve made it really clear how much of a problem this is, but they still seem to think it’s no big deal if they’re unavailable because DH works remotely and is home anyway. He is livid (me, too), and it’s clear that this arrangement is just not going to work moving forward. So, now we’re trying to figure out a whole new childcare arrangement and also know that my parents will be offended and hurt when we tell them that we’re changing course. They have been super defensive when we’ve tried to talk about their unreliability so far and tend to take any perceived criticism very personally. I’m dreading the epic martyrdom that is coming, but mostly, I’m so irritated that I agreed to this in the first place instead of just paying for reliable childcare. TGIF!!
Anonymous says
In the same boat here! When we bought our house, my mother swore up and down that she’d watch my son after school and now that the time has come (admittedly 2 years and a pandemic later), she’s flaked. I don’t entirely blame her because circumstances are changed, but I wish she didn’t pretend like we’d never had that conversation before.
SC says
Yes, this is the major problem of childcare arrangements with family. We ran into the same issues, though at least people were upfront about it.
You have my permission to focus on what is best for your family, inform your in-laws as kindly as possible, and give them what you can. Honestly, we’ve had variations of that conversation for 6 years. “We’re going to be enrolling the kids in after-school care. DH needs to focus at work, and the kids need a stronger routine. We appreciate the time you spent with the kids [even if you’re actually livid], and we want you to continue to have time with them. If you’re in town, I’m sure they’d love to be picked up early on Fridays for special grandparent-kid time.”
Anonymous says
This is a great script.
When my mom did the math in her head about how much a nanny was potentially going to cost us she said that was ridiculous and now how we should spend our money and she and my mother in law (who also lives close by and who I really like and get along with) would take care of our son. My response was, “the cost of child care was part of the conversation DH and I had when we said we wanted to have a child. And, us having a nanny will no in any way prevent you from seeing your grandson. It is just very important to me and DH that all of the grandparents get to be grandparents and not be full time child care. We would love to use you for date night babysitting and when we go out of town, and we will definitely need help with random teacher work days when he’s home from school in the future. But you and Dad (and my in-laws) being grandparents first is the best way for you all to help us.”
OP says
Yes, this is a great script! Thanks!!
Anonymous says
Can you assign them a more flexible time period? We use my mom for date nights and “bonus” time, not as reliable childcare because, try as she might, she ain’t reliable.
Anon says
I hear you. My parents moved close to me a few years ago and insisted they be our primary child care – I refused, anticipating these sort of last minute vacations, conflicting doctor appointments, illness, etc. They were miffed at the time but I’m so glad I wasn’t screwed last year when it would have been unsafe for them to provide care in the pre-vaccine days, and we wouldn’t have been able to secure childcare slots if we didn’t already have our kids there. They still help out when school is closed, when kids are sick (though they’re very selective about which type of sickness they will help with), and for an occasional weekend date-night. Also glad since they employ some questionable practices (limitless candy, too much screen time, so, so many gifts) which are okay from grandparents in small doses, but would be unacceptable for a full time caregiver.
anon says
THIS. I can ignore that give-all-the-candy stuff 1x/mo or whatever, but not M-F. It helps me stay sane.
anonM says
We’ve dealt with some similar issues, and these situations make me feel veryyyy grateful that (1) COVID is better and we can use sitters and (2) have the privilege of finding other childcare. I really really feel for parents who have to kind of just deal with family regardless of the circumstances and don’t have other options. But, I think you can handle this in a way to minimize drama while also giving you what you need. (Fingers crossed). We recently had my MIL stop her regular babysitting day, and it went way better than I anticipated. Suggestion – “parents, we want you to be able to live up your retirement (assuming that’s the case??) and take spontaneous trips, etc. You deserve that. We also have to balance that with what our family needs right now in childcare, for our jobs, for LO’s need for consistency, and to minimize scheduling change headaches. So, we need M-F care from X to X time consistently, and on time. So, we have hired a sitter. But, we obviously still want you around for LO and for us. So, if you can commit to coming every Monday and help by watching LO while sitter starts dinner, we think that’d be so great for us and so special for LO. Let us know if this idea for Mondays work for you!” This way, if they flake it’s annoying — rather than something creating family stress AND work stress. Good luck.
OP says
Thanks to everyone for the commiseration! Since it sounds like others have dealt with similar situations, I would really appreciate your help with a follow-up question. DH is particularly upset about the way this has gone down because he 1) feels that my parents have not been respectful of, and have not valued, his work and time and 2) is frustrated that they now live close and are around a lot more but aren’t helping out as promised. The situation has absolutely impacted his otherwise positive relationship with them. I don’t think either point is invalid, but he’s definitely at peak righteous anger and could stand to calm down, as well. I also know from experience that trying to talk openly about these frustrations with my parents would be less than helpful, but I don’t want to ask DH to just get over it, either. We’re close to working out an alternative arrangement for kiddos, and I think the script above is a very good way to approach the situation with my parents. Now, what do I do about DH??
AwayEmily says
I would say just time and consistently validating his feelings/letting him vent to you. I bet he’ll get it out of his system soon. I’ve definitely had issues with my in-laws that were super intense at the time but now we joke about. Time is amazing at fixing this stuff, especially when everyone involved is fundamentally a decent person.
Anonymous says
This. On a smaller scale, but I was OP’s husband recently when MIL was in town to “help” the week before school started when there was no camp. I’ll spare the details, but suffice it to say it was more like an extra child than an adult taking care of my children so I could work. I sent MIL, DH and my kids out to dinner one night, stayed home alone and just cried, punched pillows, and rage-cleaned. Then I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that she physically can’t keep up with the kids for full days for a full week and probably didn’t realize how hard it would be because she hadn’t seen them in 2 years. Plus, she has zero frame of reference for what my job or working from home entails, and can’t possibly realize how disruptive kid interruptions are to it. My expectations were too high, and I will not make that mistake again. Grandma needs to just be grandma. She’s lovely, but it was never reasonable for her to be reliable M-F childcare, even for just a week. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but blame is not constructive.
TL/DR: Let him stew and vent for a bit, and give him space to feel his feelings and realize the futility of anger. It’s still fresh, but I think he’ll get there.
Anon says
FWIW, my parents just absolutely don’t get that WFH is really work. They say they do, but then my mom is always suggesting that post-pandemic I should try to keep Friday and Monday as WFH days (we’ll be hybrid in the future) because that’ll let us take lots of weekend trips. Your parents might have the same mindset. Maybe he’ll feel less aggrieved if he sees this as a lack of understanding about WFH vs. a devaluing of his specific work?
anon says
My MIL didn’t believe it was really what it was until she was at my house one day while I was WFH and literally saw me for 15 minutes at lunchtime. She said to me, ‘it seems like you work even longer! Like, I know you folded that basket of laundry, but I heard you talking the entire time so I guess you were just doing that while on a call.’
See also: My in-laws didn’t realize that I had a job that was more than ‘something to keep me busy’ until my husband told them how much I make.
anonM says
DH may need some time to adjust expectations. TBH, I am still sad my MIL isn’t doing a babysitting day anymore. The kids LOVED it and we felt closer to her with her being in our house every week to see the day-to-day stuff. That said, because she isn’t here all the time, she jumps at opportunities to babysit for things like weddings, etc. And I hope once some other unrelated issues are resolved, she’ll be able to come if we need someone for a sick day (ie not super sick days, just the kids-still-have-sniffles-so-daycare-rules-say-stay-home days), or random school closure days, which is SO helpful. Your parents might end up being more of just the “fun” grandparents and less of the help-to-you-as-parents grandparents than you’d both love, but really it’s very rare and special to have grandparents who help consistently and without then pushing other boundaries. Him saying much to them will likely not be productive, because when you get people helping more than they actually want to, it starts having more strings/resentment attached. If you moved to them because they said they’d help, it would be a VERY different story. But, they get to decide their level of involvement.