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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
ANP paging Merabella says
I answered your question just now on yesterday’s thread re: boy-raising books.
Merabella says
Thank you for your post. I think it was mostly 36 weeks pregnant, this is happening soon, do I actually know what the hell I’m doing freakout…
After I posted yesterday, I talked with my husband, and it helped to quell some of my anxiety about feeling completely boy-ignorant. We agreed that we want to raise a good person, an adult that other people don’t want to smack in the face, and that we would probably do the same things whether or not they were a girl or a boy. I think part of it is that I’ve always been a nerd, and liked to read up on things – and all of the books seem to be geared towards raising strong girls, and I thought, “but what about boys, I’m having a boy! why are there no books for having a boy?!”
quailison says
Had the same thoughts. I totally get why we need the “strong girl” books but I want an anti-boys-will-be-boys book (which is probably just good parenting). Off to read yesterday’s comments!
Merabella says
This is a set of books that are really lacking. When I searched Amazon yesterday basically there were like 4-5 books, and half of them are very Christian oriented (which isn’t particularly my thing, though I’m not anti-religion, it just isn’t the pathway I’m looking for). I would really love research/study oriented books, but I didn’t see any.
OCAssociate says
Raising Cain was recommended to me by several people. But, full disclosure, I haven’t actually read it yet.
These aren’t gender/sex oriented, but the “Your [one] year old” books (Louis Bates Ames), and The Wonder Weeks are great developmental books. These have been my favorites for my 3 year old boy.
PregLawyer says
I had the exact same reaction as you, Merabella, when I found out I was pregnant with a boy. I had that moment where I thought: “um, what does this mean? What do boys actually think about/do?” In some ways it’s easier to think about raising a girl because you have all this literature focusing on the narrative of being a strong and independent girl/woman. With boys it’s more of this broad, unfocused conversation. But, I think your comment above is spot on: focus on raising a good person.
I do want to start looking at books/blogs that discuss how to talk to little boys about sexism. My 6-year old nephew clearly has gotten some ideas from preschool via other little boys about girls not being able to do X. There’s got to be some good ideas about how to counteract that early.
MomAnon4This says
I ask questions. Oh really?
DO all girls do that…? What about (insert girl who doesn’t do that, or who does something different, or WonderWoman)?
Tell a story: When I was a girl, I ____
You know, a long time ago, people thought girls couldn’t x, and then a girl did it! What do you think about THAT?
And don’t forget stories about supportive men, too! This President appointed a woman, this man flew with Amelia Earhart, isn’t that COOL!?!
mascot says
Masterminds and Wingmen – It’s geared towards parents of older kids, but is still interesting reading on the inner workings of adolescent boys
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (I’m not Jewish, but still liked this a lot) and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.. are two of my favorite parenting books so far. My boy is 4.5 as reference
Merabella says
Thank you for these suggestions! I’ll check them out.
CPA Lady says
Weaning: Day 1 (for real this time), and I’m about to freak out. It’s going to be ok right?
KJ says
It will absolutely be OK. Is your baby getting some kind of nutritious food? Then you are doing great.
mascot says
Truth.
Burgher says
You got this! Not to one up, but I’m returning from mat leave *and* resigning from my job tomorrow. We can do anything when we break it down into one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time… You can do anything for one minute!
Meg Murry says
You got this! It will be ok! And if for some reason it isn’t ok (beyond the normal little bit of sadness) the good news is that if it does slide into depression or anxiety (very rare, but it happened for me – but I was already teetering on the edge and had a history of both) you don’t have to worry about nursing safe drugs anymore.
Hooray for getting your body back! Have a glass of wine with dinner! Or 2, or 3 – because you don’t need to worry about it anymore!
RDC says
Or have lots of coffee!! That’s what I’m missing right now … Caffeine. Sigh.
JJ says
Hooray! You can do it!
Soon, you will no longer have to worry about leaking at work. Or overnight. Or mastitis. And you can drink as much as you want – both alcohol and caffeine!
(former) preg 3L says
I stopped pumping last week (only nurse once/day first thing in the mornings now) and OH MY GOSH IT IS SO FREEING WHEEEE haha. Good luck!!!
Jen says
Agreed. My life improved x100 when I stopped pumping and another x5 when I stopped nursing. Baby didn’t care one bit and is still a huge snuggler.
Anonymous says
How are you doing it? I stopped pumping about a month and a half ago, and we’re down to 1-2 nursing sessions a day, but she still loves it before bed. I haven’t figured out how to stop that one.
Nonny says
Yes, I am interested in this too.
CPA Lady says
Well, I’ve never pumped. I nursed exclusively for the first month, and 90% of the time the next two months. Once I was back at work, I did formula during daycare, and three nursing sessions (one a.m., two p.m.). About two months ago, I dropped to once in the morning, once at night. Then I started working so late that I would get home after my daughter went to bed most nights (waaaaaah tax season!). So I’ve only been nursing her once a day in the mornings. Last week, I dropped down to one boob per day. Yesterday I let her nurse as long as she wanted on both boobs, made a sappy little speech to her about how we were done, and how glad I was that we’d made it this far, and how great it was.
And today I’m eating a boatload of altoids, have Sudafed and advil on hand, and so far so good. I have a cabbage in the fridge at home, but honestly I’m thinking it probably wont be too terrible since I had already weaned her down to so little.
Maddie Ross says
Good luck! I’ve mentioned it before on here, but I had a horrible horrible time with the pain of weaning. I strongly recommend binding if you need it. Cabbage gave a little relief (but I think it was mainly b/c it was cold from the fridge) and neither sudafed nor peppermint tea worked that quickly. Old-school binding with an ace bandage (I did a sports bra, binding, sports bra) was the best. It still took two weeks, even though I had gotten down to only one am and one pm feeding pre-weaning. Good luck and stay the course! Everyone says it happens quickly, but that may not be true for all…
Momata says
I started giving a bottle of formula/milk at bedtime and rocking instead of nursing. Eventually that transitioned into giving her the bottle in the crib, then a sippy of milk in the crib, and now we are to a sippy of water in the crib. It’s been intertwined with eliminating sleep crutches, as she used to exclusively nurse to sleep.
Nonny says
Thanks for this! Wondering if you can provide further information about ending nursing to sleep as my LO still nurses last thing before bedtime (though she actually falls asleep in her crib). In your journey to eliminate sleep crutches, did you work on moving nursing to earlier in the bedtime routine? We want to move nursing/bottle to before bath pretty soon, and just have a story or two and a cuddle after bathtime. I’m curious to know if you tried this and how it went, as I’ve somehow convinced myself it is going to be a disaster.
Momata says
I did not move the order of operations – I just separated snuggles and sippy. We have always done bath first. I think you have already crossed the biggest hurdle, which is falling asleep in the crib instead of in mom’s arms. I’m curious as to why you want to switch the order.
Nonny says
Main reason at the moment is to make sure we are brushing teeth after milk (my SO is a dental hygienist so this is a big deal for him). I’m quite happy to continue nursing at night for a few more months still but in order to do so and satisfy SO’s oral hygiene requirements (!), we need to change the order…
Momata says
Ah. That is why we switched to water at bedtime at around 14 mos. I weaned at a year (when she started biting with those pesky teeth!).
rakma says
It’s going to be OK. It might be better than OK.
Once weaning was over, I started getting real cuddles from DD, not just ‘hi I’m hungry/bored/uncomfortable/nurse me’ cuddles. I hope that’s the sort of thing you have coming around the corner.
CPA Lady says
I’m the kind of person who can find a sort of closure in coincidence, so I just felt like sharing this– I’ve been kind of wondering if I’m doing the right thing by weaning now, questioning myself, etc. Well, I used to joke with my husband that I was weaning as soon as my daughter got teeth.
My husband just sent me a picture– my daughter’s first tooth broke through the gums today.
D. Meagle says
Posted late yesterday, but going to repost again today. Not sure if I am looking for advice or commiseration. Definitely looking for sleep.
Looking for advice on how to handle a situation. Based on our work schedules, I am home with the kids in the morning until the nanny comes, and my husband gets home earlier and relieves the nanny at the end of the day. Kids are 2.5 and 6 months. In the morning, I get all three of us ready — cleaned, dressed and fed — before the nanny arrives. It was rough in the beginning, but we kind of have a routine. When I get home at night, I feel like everything is in shambles. The baby is usually in the crib, but fully dressed, so I have to change his diaper and put him in pajamas. The 2.5 year old may or may not be in pajamas, but in any event is in my bed (watching TV or passed out). My husband is vegging in bed also. I understand that he is tired from a long day at work, but I struggle with why he can’t really impose any structure on the night schedule. There are a few times each month when he has to work late, so in addition to my morning with the kids, I leave work early and handle nighttime; I’m tired and stressed, but I manage to get everyone in pajamas and clean diapers, read a story, make a bottle, so that when husband gets home, everyone is in pajamas sleeping in their own bed.
The baby is a decent sleeper so far, but we are having a lot of sleep problems with the 2.5 y/o. I feel like a few nights of a structured routine, even if it involves tears, is going to do a world of wonder with the sleeping issue, but my husband just does not seem to have the energy/discipline to see it through.
So my questions are (1) do you think 2.5 years of sleep problems can be overcome with a few nights of routine? and (2) how do I express this to my husband and tell him he needs to be a team player? I understand that a lot of the stress is initially going to fall on him, as I often don’t get home until after 8, and he would need to do this on his own, but at the same time, I hate coming home at night and having to deal with getting everyone to their respective rooms and into bed.
anonymom says
Hugs–that is rough. What if you arranged for both parents to be home early for the first week or so until the new routine is firmly established? That might be difficult, but less difficult than continuing to deal with the status quo forever.
rakma says
I responded to you yesterday, but I think it got caught in moderation because it only showed up today.
Good Luck!
Anonymous says
I think you have to just kind of say it in a gently, but straightforward way. Along the lines of: I really appreciate the help in the evenings, but it would be really helpful if Little One is in her PJs with a clean diaper and Bigger One has had a bath/bedtime routine and is in his own bed.
Spirograph says
I think this is your best bet. Your husband has to know about the toddler’s sleep problems, right? Are they affecting both of you? Maybe present it as an experiment to see if a bedtime routine -> toddler sleeping better -> both of you sleeping better. I don’t see how anyone could say no to that! Ask your husband what kind of routine he thinks he can stick to day in and day out that has the desired end result, ostensibly so that you can be sure to follow the same one if you end up doing bedtime alone. If you impose a routine on him, it’s probably not going to work.
FWIW, We’ve had really good luck recently with bath, PJs, 2 stories and 2 songs while already in bed, then turning out the light and putting up the baby gate in the doorway. <once a week he gets up and protests that he wants to go play or snuggle in our bed or whatever, and we just go in and remind him that nighttime is for sleeping in your own bed, and we'll play or snuggle again in the morning.
Also, can I ask why you get your kids dressed before the nanny comes? My favorite thing about having a nanny was that I could leave before the kids were really ready for the day. I prioritized breakfast, but I'm not sure I ever bothered getting my son dressed before the nanny showed up. It made mornings so much easier!
Nonny says
So we have recently sized up in diapers – we’re now on size 4. I think we sized up about 3 weeks ago. Daughter is almost 15 months. I mention this because I don’t think sizing up in diapers is the answer to my question here…
We are still using the same brand (Kirkland), which we’ve never had problems with before. But three nights in a row now, my daughter has had leakage in the middle of the night and the diaper has been completely saturated by about 2am. We haven’t changed her diet or schedule recently.
Has this sudden change in diaper habits happened to anyone else? Previously she’s been quite happy in a single diaper all night with no leaks, and usually her diaper isn’t even saturated in the morning. I just can’t figure out why all of a sudden this is happening, and why it would change so suddenly.
FWIW, we haven’t been using special “overnight” diapers up until now, and haven’t needed to, but I went out and bought some Pampers Stay-Dry overnight diapers on my way to work this morning to try to combat this new problem.
Any ideas?
RR says
I actually would size up again. For comparison, my 19 month old daughter is in size 5s (and has been for the past 6 months at least). She’s a high percentile for weight, but she was probably only 22ish pounds when I moved her up to 5 (with the range on 4s being 22-37). I always ignore the weight on the diaper boxes; I think they are off like a whole size from what’s actually comfortable and works for us. As soon as I even remotely think “hmm, wonder if I should size up,” I size up.
Barring that, I think they do make more pee the bigger they get, and we had great luck with the overnights for my older twins (haven’t needed them yet for singleton).
Nonny says
Thanks. This is interesting. My daughter is 23ish lbs so we thought, size 4s, no problem.
I’ll try the overnights that I bought and see if they work – otherwise we’ll size up to 5s.
I also considered changing her before I or my SO go to bed, but I’m so anxious about getting her back to sleep if she wakes up! She has a new thing lately where if she wakes up, it takes her half an hour or more to get back to sleep….
Meg Murry says
FYI, we found Huggies Overnights to be better than Pampers overnights, but YMMV. And sometimes sizing up doesn’t necessarily work because if you get too big you get leakage at the waist or legs if they gap.
Even if you haven’t changed her diet much, I’d suspect that she may have gotten much more efficient at actually getting food into her mouth instead of just wearing/spilling it. So you may be giving her the same sippy cup of milk at dinner, but I’d be willing to bet more of it is actually going down her throat.
HM says
+1. We size up at the earliest possible time they fit, and never get to the higher range of the acceptable weight.
I would also strongly encourage the overnight diapers. My 13 month old sleeps perfectly fine for 11 hours with an overnight diaper. However, we ran out earlier this week, and had to put her in one of her daytime ones, and she woke up at 3:30. Once we restocked, back to sleeping through the night.
Manhattanite says
We hit something like that probably around the same age. We switched from huggies to pampers and problem was solved. So I agree sizing up isn’t the solution, but changing brands might be.
Anonyc says
This depends on how heavy a sleeper your kiddo is, but I’ve been able to often sneak in at night before I went to bed and change the toddler’s diaper without waking toddler up. I started doing this with my son when we were similarly having leaking issues, and did it for a period of time with my daughter.
Others will likely recommend cutting back on drinks, especially milk, in the evening, but we didn’t try that (it felt weird to deny drinks, especially as books & milk is the main part of our going to bed routine). I’ve heard some folks rave about Huggies Overnights as particularly good for this situation, too, and we’ve tried them but it didn’t seem much different to us than regular Pampers (our preferred brand).
As for why, I haven’t a clue. It might just be that bigger kids mean more liquid production. I found that it eventually passes as kids develop the ability to hold it in/get physically ready to potty train.
Anonymous says
Husband was homeschooled and started college at 12, I went to school but skipped three grades. Can anyone suggest some parenting books? We were raised by “different” parents than most people and we are struggling with maintaining a balance between ensuring our kids are enriched and not pushing too hard.
MomAnon4This says
I guess, what are your goals for your kids now? to socialize them? to enrich them? to discipline? to survive? (ha!) you don’t say how hold the kids are, which changes answers, too.
these honestly sound like really different backgrounds – from an interfaith marriage I say to you – you might need family counseling?
William Sears books are good for younger kids and have helped me & husband raised with different discipline-styles to get on the same page.
Homeschooled Too says
I think something you need to think about is why each of you were in these unusual situations. Was there a lot of parental pressure? Were you unusually intelligent/capable of doing the work and interested in skipping ahead yourselves?
My sister and I were homeschooled too, by a mother that pushed us so so hard in a way that I now recognize was not healthy. For her, education was the way she got out of an impoverished background, and so she crammed it down our throats at every opportunity, and held us to insanely high standards. Any time we were not “productive” was time wasted. Any time we got something wrong, we had to redo it until it was perfect. Its like how a parent who constantly comments on your appearance can trigger an eating disorder– I think I had an academic achievement disorder. I didn’t skip any grades, but my sister did.
It took me basically having a mild nervous breakdown to realize that the way I was living my life– in the shadow of my upbringing– was not healthy.
Now that I’m a parent, I find that books like Bringing Up Bebe are very helpful, just to see the way other cultures approach things, and to learn that things I’ve taken for granted (achieve achieve achieve!!! do do do!!!) are not necessarily the way things have to be. If you have younger children, you may want to look into some of the Montessori stuff, which I think is enriching without the pressure.
I have also consciously tried to step back from reading too many parenting books, and if I do read them, I try to remember to take them with a grain of salt– especially if you have a very intellectually rigorous background it’s easy to trust books more than your own experience and intuition.
Meg Murry says
Yes, I think you and H need to think about what you liked in your upbringing and what you didn’t, both at the time and looking back/long term. I’m currently struggling with this balance as well – my parents pushed me moderately hard, and then I internalized it and pushed myself really hard – to the point that I pushed myself into an eating disorder and a terrible habit of only doing things I could be the best at, and a very high level of anxiety. However, I did achieve a lot, so their approach was moderately successful in terms of my academic career – but horrible in terms of my emotional life.
I’m trying now to find a balance in raising my kids – how do I push them to do their best and make sure they are intellectually (and physically) challenged, but not to overdo it or to make them obsessed with being perfect or making them too overscheduled.
It’s a hard line to balance, but one thing I have been working the hardest at is praising their efforts not their outcomes or smartness. So I don’t say “oh, you’re so smart, you got a 100% on your spelling test!” I say “oh you studied so hard this week, and look, you got a 100% on your spelling test! I’m so proud of how hard you worked this week”. I grew up constantly being praised at how smart I was, and I didn’t like doing things that didn’t come easily to me – so I’m trying to work harder on praising my kids for their efforts, knowing that practice and work ethic can make as much or more of a difference in the long run,
Anonymous says
Kids are under 5.
Basically we were probably bright kids and we’ve done well. One of us had a photographic memory and one of us excelled in music and chess very early on. No fallout from being pushed that I can see. We encourage our kids to learn and to play and to make friends. No TV or Ipad or whatnot. Kids seem normal, I would say they are a bit more social than other kids their age but I might be biased.
People do expect our kids to do really well though which is tricky to manage. It’s like people expect to see them doing tiny genius things. Sometimes I feel like it is more work managing other people’s expectations than our own.
We would like them to be successful, and sure, if they skipped a grade or two neither of us would mind.
It’s just hard to know if we are stimulating them enough or appropriately. I don’t want to push them into things they aren’t ready for but I would suspect they are capable of a lot more than other kids their age.
mascot says
Whose expectations are you managing? I get that it may be hard to explain a big age gap between yourself and your peers, but I don’t think I could tell you the ages of the other parents I see at school. I also couldn’t really tell you what there kids are doing.
As a side note, between my parents really limiting my screen and my long commute to school, I rarely watched popular tv shows as a kid. So I felt like there is a chunk of pop culture that I missed that many of my peers were familiar with and it made it a little harder to relate. (All of us had similar upbringings with competitive schools, lots of reading, etc.) It’s a little different now with the internet and all, so maybe that’s not as much of an issue now.
Anon for this says
Who are the “people” who are expecting your kids to do “tiny genius things”? Your parents? Your siblings? Your friends? Other people’s expectations are totally irrelevant. And don’t even engage in a competition with your siblings over whose kids are more advanced. There is no way to win that one.
Anon for this says
Not an exact answer to your question, but here’s my experience for whatever it’s worth. I have a kid who was diagnosed as exceptionally gifted at age 4. I have personal experience with the whole gifted kid deal, but my husband does not. He is concerned about pushing her too hard, I am worried about not providing her with enough opportunities, and these tendencies have balanced each other out over time. We ended up accelerating her by one year in school (she went to first grade instead of kindergarten), and that is pretty much it. Our school district has very few resources for gifted kids. In the early elementary grades they differentiate instruction for all children in reading and vocabulary, so her reading group is working about 3 grades above level and they focus on interpreting the literature in a mature way, but math and other subjects are not differentiated. I suppose I could have pushed for her to be accelerated another grade, but one grade of acceleration has been working perfectly for her socially, and I’m not sure if the school would have allowed it anyway (it is pretty apparent that they don’t have much experience with kids like her). I also seriously considered math enrichment through an on-line program, but my husband was opposed due to the cost and time, and the school wouldn’t let us substitute it for regular math instruction.
We ultimately ended up deciding to back off of the academic enrichment in favor of enriching other areas of her life. We figure that she will have plenty of time for intense academics once she hits high school, where she will have access to better programs for gifted and high-achieving kids. We let her do team gymnastics and play the piano, which together eat up most of her after-school time. She is a little bored in school and we have had some issues with careless errors because of it, but overall she is flourishing. She has lots of great friends, devours books, and is happy, healthy, extremely fit thanks to gymnastics, and well balanced. In the summer we send her to all sorts of enrichment camps, some for gifted kids and some open to all. I haven’t noticed much difference in quality–in fact, a couple of the classes for gifted kids have been pretty lame. On the weekends we let her cook, sew, build electrical contraptions, make crazy art, and play with JavaScript, whatever she’s interested in. We listen to audiobooks and read aloud as a family. We take her camping and to museums and the symphony and the theater. We haven’t signed her up with the Davidson Institute or done any of the other things I thought I would do if I had this type of kid. I quit reading the websites early on and never even bought any books. We are just playing it by ear. If she started acting up in school or other problems arose, we would re-evaluate at that point. This approach may not work for everyone, but it seems to be working for us so far.
Like Meg Murry, we are always very careful to praise effort and not results or ability. Gifted kids sometimes get so used to things coming naturally for them that they don’t know what to do when something is hard. They need help and encouragement to develop the perseverance and resilience that will make them successful adults.
ETA: We also really emphasize independence and doing things by herself and for herself. We would probably be really good European parents.
Anonymous says
That was very helpful so thank you.
gifted kid says
I was a lot like your daughter, and my parents handled me very similarly to what you describe. I am very thankful they let me be a kid instead of pushing me early in life. I skipped one early elementary school grade, and I was in the gifted classes, which were the highlight of my elementary school years, but my extracurriculars were not academic. I still excelled in high school and college, and am very successful in my career. You don’t have to start REALLY early to put innate intelligence to good use, but you can never get a childhood back.