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Ellen Tracy is one of those brands that reliably has good washable workwear — and this knee-length drapey dress has been calling my name. I think it looks great as styled here, but I also think it would look great in early fall with a knee-length cardigan, tights, and booties. It’s $69-$99 at Amazon, available in sizes XS-XL. Ellen Tracy Drape Twist Dress Two plus-size options are here (solid) and here (geometric print). (L-4)Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
MDMom says
My husband works long hours (he’s a doctor in fellowship, so not flexible) and we have a 14 month old. About 6 months ago, I asked my office about going to a 80 percent schedule. My immediate supervisor was very supportive, but the main boss declined. Its a government law office (non-federal) and basically he was worried about losing a full time position that he would have to fight to get back if I left and the budget situation was unfavorable. My plan was to look for a part time position (likely elsewhere) next year when my husband finishes fellowship and we probably move (not too far but closer to family).
All that is background. A few days ago, a woman in my office unexpectedly resigned from her part time position. My supervisor asked if I was interested before she even told main boss about resignation so she could make a case for it to go to me, instead of filling it as a full time position, as she suspected main boss would want. I said yes and boss approved, so the job is mine.
Now I’m just kind of reeling. This was so fast and unexpected and I’m having, I guess, some second thoughts about cutting back this far this soon. I wasn’t planning to go this part time (50 percent) until later next year. But it’s a 20 hr/week position at half salary, so a little over 50k plus benefits. 2 days are relatively fixed, the other hours can be flexed. I’ll be doing administrative hearings, so still litigation but more controlled. Part time law jobs like this are not common so basically its kind of a unicorn position and I had to seize the opportunity. I know I would regret if I turned it down because I probably won’t be able to find an opportunity like this next year. But pulling back feels weird. I don’t know what I’m asking, just kind of processing. I’m doing the right thing right?
S says
You are rocking this. Carry on.
Anonymous says
Agree. You have a 14 month old and a lot of solo parenting on your plate. Even Sheryl Sandberg says careers are a jungle gym not a ladder. You’re not leaning out for life, you’re doing what works for you right now. Don’t over think it. Enjoy the balance.
Easily Excitable says
+1 Good job- this sounds like a great opportunity to have a livable life. Achievement unlocked!
Momata says
Your gut led you in the right direction. This is totally a unicorn job and you earned it by being up front about your needs with your boss. Congratulations on scoring what you need for you and your family.
Closet Redux says
This is my dream! Good on you for finding a way to make this work. It’s totally normal to feel a little buyers’ remorse, especially since you are an attorney and used to fleshing out all the possibilities of something before coming to a decision and you didn’t have that opportunity here. From an outsider’s perspective, though, you scored!
MDMom says
Yes, I think you’re right about buyer’s remorse due to lack of time to mentally prepare. If you had asked me 4 days ago if this was a possibility, I would have said no way. I think part of it is that I’ve gotten used to (relished?) making more than my husband right now, knowing that once he graduates fellowship and for the rest of our lives most likely, he will make significantly more. So I was prepared for that to end, just not prepared for it to end so soon! That said, fellowship pays poorly so I’ll be making not much less than he does for probably 30 percent of the hours. Not bad!
And you guys have been very reassuring, so thank you! I am excited about it. Just kind of in shock. I am reminded of the poster a few weeks back who was pregnant after infertility and suddenly having doubts/regrets about it. Not that my situation compares to infertility, just the general idea of getting what you (and others) really wanted and then immediately having doubts and feeling ungrateful for having them. Normal feelings I guess.
Anonymous says
It’s totally normal to feel uncertain about any big change, even a change you want. And this is a big change.
RDC says
That sounds amazing, congratulations!
Katala says
+1 Congrats! I’m sure the excitement will outweigh the panic once it sinks in!
Anon says
I took a 25 hr/week unicorn law job when my daughter was 12 months. It has been amazing. I got to spend a lot of really wonderful time with her just as she was getting “fun.” We spent my off day roaming our city together, and I spent the other half of my “half day” doing errands while she was still in care (I worked 3.5 days basically). Now that I have 2 kids, and a husband who still works a TON of hours and travels regularly, 25 hours is almost seeming like too much!! You also have the added benefit of flexibility to work from home, which my job does not currently have. I still do great work while I’m here, but have really gotten to enjoy my kids more than I ever would have if I stayed at BigLaw.
For whatever it’s worth, a very random, unexpected effect of this though – I am reaching the point where I very badly want to stay home. My kids are at the ages where we can more easily travel, but before school, sports, etc. are interfering with our abilities to be very flexible. In the last two years, my world has expanded to include more stay at home parents, and this has introduced me to some different ways to have a family. This lifestyle is foreign to my closest friends, some of whom have reached incredible career successes in the last few years. Their worlds now are structured very differently – evening nannies, husbands who have leaned out, etc., and the idea of staying at home is totally and completely foreign to them. Without any of the big promotions (VP, partner, of counsel, etc.), I think it’s easier to imagine taking the next few years to travel with the kids.
No value judgments either way, just my own experience, and possibly not something I would have imagined a few years ago when I was in your shoes. I will say that I’m much, much happier now than I was at BigLaw, and this lifestyle is much closer to what I was like before law school – so there is that. I am competitive by nature, and in law school I got caught up in “winning” (law review, clerking, big job…) that I lost sight of the type of lifestyle that made me happy before law school. So, you may not experience this shift if your personality wasn’t like this before the job?!
Meg Murry says
Oh, I miss working part time so much. I had a 15 hour a week unicorn position once, and it was amazing – but unfortunately it was only a 1 year contract that wasn’t re-funded, so it was too much of a unicorn to last.
But to piggyback on something Anon brought up – if possible, allow yourself more than the bare minimum of childcare that only covers your 20 working hours. Being able to take a weekday to run errands, go to the dentist/doctor/hairdresser, or meet up for lunch with friends that were working while my kiddo was at daycare was amazing, and I got so much more done – I could do more in a 3-4 hour weekday afternoon block without my kiddo than I could have in 3 separate 2+ hour trips that I was trying to juggle with an exhausted kiddo that I was simultaneously entertaining. Since I’m assuming your husband’s fellowship means you are handling the bulk of keeping your home running – keep a few extra childcare hours to allow you to do that without guilt. By getting a lot of household stuff out of the way when your kid is being taken care of, you can make the time you are able to spend with her much more valuable and enjoyable – I know my son would rather spend 2 hours at daycare and then 2 hours with me playing at home or the playground, rather than 3.5 hours of us trying to (slooooowly) get stuff done and only 30 minutes playing with me.
Meg Murry says
Oh, and since I completely missed my original point- Congrats! Enjoy it! Don’t feel guilty about being a little shocked at first, and expect it to take a little time for you to adjust to how much work is a reasonable workload for a 20 hour week – I alternated between saying yes to everything and then working way more hours, or trying to be strict about sticking to my hours and feeling like I wasn’t doing nearly enough until I got the rhythm worked out.
Yay you! Go climb that career jungle gym!
Anonymous says
Adding that this is a great idea. My daycare has actually said that the kids who attend full time sometimes have an easier time because they have a consistent routine.
Don’t feel guilty about keeping a full time daycare spot and just picking up early or dropping off late on applicable days.
JLK says
This. I unexpectedly was forced/had an opportunity to move from FT / 60-80 hours a week and travel 3x/month @ 190k to PT 15-20 hours/week, no travel, 70k. I didn’t have a choice but once i thought about it and got going it’s been awesome for our family. In the 9 months I’ve been at it, DH has been promoted and earns an add’l 40k, and we are saving over 15k/year in childcare costs. Plus unquantified savings in spending less on outsourcing (esp food) and I am home more and we are ALL way happier.
hi says
Would you mind sharing what you do for child care? How is your working time structured? I am debating taking a very similar paycut, and the budget looks TIGHT. The job isn’t part time, but it’s a very small org that is very, very flexible – could work remotely most days, and no urgent matters.
Also, did you ever have any worries about becoming the one at home primarily responsible for chores and household management? I don’t know why but this just rubs me the wrong way, even though I think it would make the most sense.
pockets says
To your second point, I am not shy about asking my husband to do things. Basically if it pops into my head and he is around to do it, I ask him to do it. My internal sense of balance is achieved if when we’re both home, we’re either both houseworking or both relaxing. But I do do more, because I am home more. Plus, it’s way more relaxing to go grocery shopping on a Wednesday than on a Saturday.
JLK says
Sure. I moved into a role that has a lot of flexibility (more independent contributor/analyst type work vs departmental mgmt; a part time Subject Matter Expert (SME) on the speaking circuit.)
I have an infant and a preschooler. Previously, preschooler had been in FT 8:30-6 daycare ($1900/mo) and our plan had been to send #2 as well (3800/mo for the two). With the new setup, preschooler goes to preschool (different facility than daycare) Tues/Thurs 9-1. Preschool is 9-11 and I pay for the lunch session (about $500/mo). I can also, with a little notice, have her go extra days or stay til 3.
We have a part time sitter/nanny who comes Mon/Weds 9-1 @ $20/Hr ($160/week or about $700/mo). So we are paying $1000-1400/mo for care vs $3800.
I try hard to schedule all client facing work Mon/Weds 9-1. I have some west coast client work and being on the east coast, I schedule things for 6pm EST or later when DH is home. I have had an OCCASIONAL need to stray from this schedule, and I use a sitter, or use a nearby drop-in daycare program ($$$ but super convenient for stuff like this- costs $28/Hr for both kids or $16/Hr for one, usually I only need an hour or two).
I can do a lot of my work nights, weekends, morninGs etc as well, and with the little infant, I have time to work while the preschooler is at preschool.
So my work log hours tend to be:
Mon: 9-1 (4)
Tues: 2 hours between 9-1 (2)
Weds: 9-1 (4)
Thurs: 2 hours between 9-1 (2)
And 5-10 hours on nights/weekends/early AMs.
JLK says
Oh, and to your second point, we still outsource lawn care and have a house leaner 2x/month. I had been doing (poorly) mean planning and prep before making the switch since i had the better commute and got home earlier. But often my plan was “get pizza”. We now eat real food! It’s amazing!
And budget wise, DH and Inmade about equal pay, but our lifestyle doesn’t require it. I looked at other FT roles at other orgs and it didn’t make any sense. We’d be netting something like $40k/year more after all the add’l expenses (and taxes! Oh the taxes!), but it would just go to “extra savings” and not into something we really needed (retirement, e-fund, etc).
pockets says
I am also in a part time non-federal gov’t legal job, and it’s been great. I also just kind of randomly fell into it. I was unemployed and home full time with my daughter before starting my PT job, and was working full time before that, so I’ve had all the experiences.
Although it’s been great and I am so fortunate, it still feels strange to work part time. First, it’s strange not to be in the office every day after your whole life has been divided into 5 day weeks and 2 day weekends. A much larger part is that I kind of feel like a dilettante most of the time, especially when I see how many women in my office (and, you know, in life) have kids and are working full time. Part of me thinks that I didn’t really have the right to make this decision – I took out full loans for law school and my entire salary goes to paying my loans, so my husband’s salary is what we live off of. So I’m always justifying my part time status (it’s only for a few years, my husband benefits by having a wife who only works part time, I send my daughter to the much cheaper daycare because she’s only there 3 days a week, etc.). And sometimes people tell me they would love to go part time if they could afford it, and I get defensive and say that we can’t really afford it either, but we do it anyway.
So there are a lot of emotions with going part time. One thing that helped me was realizing that I could go fulltime at any point I wanted, but the part time thing might be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
CPA Lady says
How do people who don’t have local family do it? I ask as someone who does not have local family. The closest grandmother is 1,000+ miles away. Both grandfathers are useless. You know what I really want? I want to be able to drive 10 minutes, drop my kid off with grandma or a fun aunt, and go out of town with my husband for a long weekend like half of my coworkers do. We’re at a moment in our marriage where that would really help. Any suggestions on how to make this work?
Clementine says
You make friends your ‘family of choice’. I know that my in-laws have informally adopted a couple with young kids whose families both live thousands of miles away. I consider this couple my in-laws and their kids something akin to cousins of my kid. My in-laws lived on the opposite coast from their families and basically would trade kids with other couples with similarly aged kids when they went away.
My regular ‘auntie/uncle’ rotation includes my running buddies, my college roommate, my sister’s mother in law, my brother-in-law’s ex-girlfriend…plus I have basically a list of people from my church who have offered to watch the kid if I’m ever in a bind. Oh, and my in-laws are 45 minutes away.
CLMom says
I’ve tried a kid-swap this with another couple friend with a baby of the same age, but they were hardly interested because they DID have family nearby.
CPA Lady says
Interesting. So you leave your kid with a friend while you go out of town? How old is your kid? How long is the longest you’ve left him with a friend?
Clementine says
Except for when the kid was in the NICU, I have not left the kid overnight (my preference, nobody else’s). I would be willing to do it when the kid is about 1 and would probably start with one overnight and leave them for a weekend.
Taking from others’ experiences though, I know that my in-laws started taking the couple’s kids for weekends starting when the kids were about 9 months old and they even watched the kids while the parents went on a 4-5 day trip to Mexico. Kids were probably 2 and 5 at that time? Maybe 18 months and 4 1/2?
Spirograph says
No idea, but we’re in the same boat. Major commiseration. Closest grandmother is a half-day drive from us, so conceivably we could drop the kids there and then have a long weekend alone somewhere close-ish to her, but we haven’t tried that yet. And it’s definitely not the same as 10 minutes and then off to wherever you *really* want to go. We also have offered to fly my mom out to us so we could go away, but it’s never quite worked out as smoothly as we hoped.
If your kid goes to daycare, try asking some of the teachers if they do weekend babysitting. I recently discovered a few of ours do; I haven’t tried leaving the kids overnight yet, but someday, maybe.
Closet Redux says
Commiseration from me, too. Closest grandma is 1200 miles away. We’re also new in our town, so don’t yet have relationships with friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. so feel really isolated. And, we’re expecting baby #2 so we feel especially pressured to establish something now for when we need someone to watch the toddler while we’re in the hospital.
We’ve done what Spiro suggested and reached out to our daycare teachers for babysitting. It’s worked really well because our kiddo knows them well and they are well-versed in caring for her. We haven’t done an overnight yet, but will try that soon. It’s not like relatives (especially since it costs money), but it’s a place to start!
Katala says
+1 New city, #2 on the way. We have a nanny who’s not interested in extra hours (i think she gets more $ from other gigs) and are members of Seeking Sitters who provides a sitter we like for date nights, which we try to do 2x/month. It’s expensive though.
We have one couple friend with a new baby, but her parents are in town and going to be their primary childcare. I’m so jealous of them, which makes me feel bad! Our parents are all basically useless. MIL came to help us move in, which was sometimes helpful but also so much drama. We left her with kiddo to go to target & grocery store (romantic!) and she texted after 90 minutes to ask if we were almost done because she was tired (this was 11am) – we got back 10 minutes later and she had dozed off while kiddo was playing next to her! Scary. Fathers are less drama, but also not really interested in being alone with the kid and we wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for more than a dinner, much less overnight. Not sure what we’ll do when #2 arrives…
Anon in NYC says
My top recommendation would be to fly a grandma or fun aunt to you for a weekend, because I think it would be comparable price-wise to hiring someone.
If not, do you have a local parents network where you can ask people for recommendations for a sitter? Perhaps some folks are going on vacation and their nanny is looking to pick up some extra work. Or maybe ask daycare teachers? One of my daughter’s infant teachers offered to babysit for us (although I’m not sure how she would have felt about an overnight).
Famouscait says
My nearest family is at least a 4 hour drive away. We have a babysitter we adore (early 30’s working gal) who we would trust to have the kiddo for a weekend, but obviously that adds a hefty expense. I also have a co-worker whose own kiddo is about to enter college, and she loves to have time with my baby boy. (Although that’s more of an afternoon-movie type situation).
One thing we do to maximize time together is take a Friday off (or even just the afternoon) to go do something and have the babysitter pick the kiddo up from daycare, and we don’t return home until he’s in bed. That helps minimize babysitter expense (because he stays at daycare as long as possible) and it feels a little bit more like a getaway.
It is hard no matter what. When we have been really strung-out, we’ll just go out to dinner mid-week and try to re-connect as a couple. The last time, we ended up wandering in to a comedy club and had an unexpectedly reviving Wednesday night.
Maddie Ross says
Agree so much with the random afternoon (esp. Friday) off together. We often will duck out early, meet at a bar not too far from daycare, and have a beer and appetizers while catching up. Our favorite place has pizza, so one of us will order a pizza on the way out and wait for it while the other collects our child and we all meet at home for a quiet dinner. It’s lovely.
CPA Lady says
That sounds genius! I am going to suggest something like that soon. It’s not exactly a weekend, but it sounds fun.
MDMom says
We’ve done this too. Both took off early to go to lunch and a movie one random afternoon while kid was at daycare. It was really nice and it’s a good, easy place to start if you’re trying to get more couple time.
Other ideas: vacation with the grandparents. We do a family vacay with my parents and siblings and their spouses/kids one a year. Easy for grandparents to take the kids for a night so we (sometimes along with my sibs and their spouses) can take some adult time.
For us, both sets of grandparents are about an hour to 90 min away now and even that’s hard. It’s too far for them to provide regular childcare, but doable for an emergency (my mil would drive down for an emergency sick day, but couldn’t get here in time for me to get to work/court on time unless we knew the night before) so there’s that at least. It also makes regular “night out” babysitting a big ask because baby goes to bed at 730 so they are basically driving 2+ hours roundtrip to mostly sit in our house while baby sleeps, not spending quality one on one time with the baby (which they’d love).
This is the main reason lots of people move “back home” when they have kids. We are hoping to move closer next year. I am jealous of my colleagues with small kids who have grandparents in this same area, able to do daycare pick up on short notice, etc. It makes life so much easier.
Momata says
We have the useful grandparents come in for one or two weekends a year where we leave for a night.
Frozen Peach says
I just snorted at this– “the useful grandparents”
Glad we’re not the only ones. And honestly, which set is which varies depending on context…
anne-on says
Hired help? We have no local family (2hrs away on both sides) and while they used to be able to help out in a pinch, retirement plans plus other sibling’s families have made ‘grandparent help’ basically unavailable. We had a rotating cast of mother’s helpers, sitters, local friends in a pinch, and we’ve finally agreed on an au pair to fill in the after school hour gaps.
It is REALLY HARD. Especially if you have a spouse with equally long hours and/or commutes. Stacking up sick days, snow days and for us, a chronic, but manageable issue for kiddo nearly broke me. It is also the reason we are 1 and done. As much as we were not initially on board with live-in help, I am SO SO excited about the possibilities of date nights! on a weekenight! and maybe weekend away! woohoo!
anon says
I have no idea. I think my parents left us with my grandparents twice in my entire childhood. I know someone who had their babysitter stay with their child for the weekend while they went to a hotel. But to me, this is a serious luxury that I know I am basically never going to have.
Anonymama says
It gets easier when the kid is old enough for sleepovers – you can send them to a friend’s house for a weekend, and repay in kind another time.
Pigpen's Mama says
Same boat here, so much commiseration. Family is far away, and even though we could have my mom visit, she’s not really physically capable of handling a toddler for more than a few hours, much less a weekend.
We have good babysitters for date-nights and people we could as to help in case of emergency, but no one that we could leave kiddo with overnight. We could probably leave her with some relatives when we visit them and sneak away for a night, but as easy going a she is, I don’t think she’d do well in a strange place with people she’s not familiar with.
I do wish we had local friends in the same boat, because then we could swap with them — but like you, our friends with kids of a similar age have family around.
EB0220 says
The best I have to offer is try to find a few babysitters you like and have them watch your kids regularly to establish some trust. Bonus points if they have a flexible schedule, can be available on short notice, etc. We moved 2 years ago (when my oldest was 2) to be close to one set of grandparents and it is heaven.
GCA says
Same boat. Closest grandparents are a day’s drive away and have 2 other grandkids whose parents have difficult schedules (doctor and exec). Other grandparents are in another country. *sigh* We pay so much for daycare we can’t afford extra sitters. We have much more flexible schedules, though, so we play hooky for longish lunch dates sometimes. Just like in college when we had to schedule a weekly lunch date!
SC says
I would either (a) fly kid to far-away grandparents and spend a night of two in a hotel/being tourists there or within a few hours of their house, or (b) fly far-away grandparents to your place and vacation from there. My parents have offered to do either of these with our now-15-month-old sometime in the next year. We also have a babysitter we would trust, although I’d probably want to be within a couple of hours just in case something went wrong.
Mother of patient zero says
We have no family closer than three hours away. So it’s tough but it would also be tough dealing with unexpected drop ins, judgment from family, caring for family members in turn etc. So we just deal.
We also have so much more time to do our own things and for our kid to go to programs with us.
other moms in Philly? says
It is so so hard. I have always lived far far away from family, but had built a “village” in the last city—now have moved to Philly and have no one. So are any of you moms in Philly? I would love to make some local friends in the same boat—-if there is interest I am happy to share an email address to get in touch.
PinkKeyboard says
I’m in Philly! Well, out in the suburbs, West Chester. I would love to get in touch!
other moms in Philly? says
phillyrettemom at the mail of the g
other moms in Philly? says
philly r!tt! mom at the mail of the g
no spaces and the ! are both e
Anonymous says
Our child is older, but our adult time is all courtesy of sleepovers, camp, and flying the kid to grandma’s house as an unaccompanied minor. But to be honest, I don’t really enjoy the adult time anyway. I would rather spend my limited free time as a family, but I recognize that it is important for her to do things on her own.
Anonymous says
Wow, I am surprised that commenters are calling their parents “useless” just because they don’t want to provide free childcare. It doesn’t seem fair to expect that from (mostly female) family members.
Katala says
Can’t speak for others, but in my case it’s not about not “wanting to provide free childcare” it’s being unable to responsibly care for children (see above re: MIL falling asleep while watching the kid, which she offered to do). OP’s question was about family helping out so useless isn’t a general statement, but in the context of the question.
Spirograph says
Ditto. I love my dad and my in-laws, and they could certainly help out if we were truly in a bind, but the men are of a generation where they have no experience taking care of small children. It’s not that they wouldn’t be willing to take care of my kids (although they’d certainly be reluctant), it’s that they have no idea how, so I would never ask. My dad tried to change a diaper last time he visited and it was … interesting. :) MIL is happy to help out, but just doesn’t have the energy or mobility to keep up with two kids under 4 for an extended period of time. Reading bedtime stories or entertaining the kids (especially one at a time) for a few hours? absolutely. Full time care for a long weekend? Questionable. My mom is comparatively young, active, super enthusiastic about spending tons of time with my kids, spent years as a SAHM to toddlers, and obviously I trust her to handle most situations the way I would, so she’s the most “useful” one.
CPA Lady says
FWIW, I don’t expect anything. It would be nice, and I know that if the grandmothers lived closer they would both want to do it. One of them did live within an hour and half at one point (and has since moved several states away to care for her elderly father) and she was always thrilled to spend time with her grand-baby. When my mom comes and visits she’s excited to spend time with CPA toddler as well, and specifically gets me to keep her out of daycare so she can spend more time with her.
When I called the grandfathers “useless” it’s because one is an alcoholic/drug addict and the other one is a hoarder (like on the TV show, I’m not talking about a little clutter) whose house is dangerous. They are not useless people, they are useless at providing childcare. They are also both from the generation where women did everything, so even if they wanted to do something (which they don’t), they would not know how.
Momata says
I meant “useful” to mean “grandparents who I trust to watch my children,” and by this I basically mean, take care of them in a manner that keeps my 2.5yo and 1yo feeling secure, happy, fed (I don’t really care what on grandma’s watch), in clean diapers, and well-rested. Not all of my childrens’ grandparents are capable of doing this. The ones who are not, are not totally “useless” – they provide a foundation for holidays, and express some love in small ways. But they are not capable of watching the kids.
Spirograph says
Exactly, you said it better!
dc mom anon says
Any tips on train travel with a toddler? We have a wedding to attend in Chapel Hill and are thinking about taking the train instead of flying or driving from DC. Kiddo will be 2 years old, so we will buy her a ticket. Do you put the car seat on the seat? Can you walk around while in transit? I’m excited to try the train travel option bc it seems like less work, but I am really unfamiliar with the rules/tips.
Anon in NYC says
I’ve only used commuter trains with my LO so I’m not sure if they’re similar to what you’re looking at, but there was no separate storage area for luggage on the train (and the overhead storage was too small) so we had to keep the car seat with us in a seat. There were no seat belts to attach the car seat to the train seat, so it wasn’t an option to put her in the car seat. I wore her most of the time (she was ~1 year) and she wasn’t walking. I don’t see why you couldn’t walk around, but it’s not a particularly stable surface so she’ll just have to be careful.
Anon says
I think a 2 year old would love a train trip, but I don’t know that I’d make the first trip to Chapel Hill. That’s pretty far, and I think Amtrak trains going south regularly get delayed. My recollection from college is that they share tracks with the freight trains, and the freights get priority (unlike the DC — Boston routes that more frequently carry commuters). I think I sat outside Williamsburg for like 4 hours waiting for a freight to pass. Also, once you get there, how will you get from train station to hotel? And hotel to store, if needed? Unless you have family/friends at the destination who can transport you (and I’m still imagining having to install the car seat at both ends of the trip, etc.), I’d stick to a car for now. I’ve considered taking my 2 and 4 year olds to Baltimore for the day, but I think that’s as far as I’d go for now.
Anonymous says
I just took kiddo on his first train trip this weekend. He’s quite a bit younger (8 months) so he sat in our lap, and it went SO well. We left from Union Station, too, if that is your plan. Amtrak let us board early, which was a huge help. Get there really early so you have time to get all your luggage on the train before everyone starts boarding. There are a few seats on each car that have a huge space in front of them, which is nice to have a little space. We took him for a few walks when he started getting fussy– both within the same car and between cars. It does get a little rocky, but I was able to hold him with one hand and the baggage area with the other for balance. He loved walking to the dining car, sitting at the table, and having a snack. He also had a blast looking out the window. Much more to see than on a plane.
quail says
I took my then-14 month old to NYC on a commuter train on the thought that “he loves trains!” I was by myself. I spent the entire trip, there and back, hovering behind him as he walked up and down the aisle of a rocking train because he yelled and wriggled whenever we sat down. It was not a short trip and my back was killing me. I envisioned books, looking out the window, and napping. Did not happen. So yes, you can walk around – definitely normally a perk of train travel – but depending on your kid that might not be a plus factor.
Also, I don’t think there’s usually seat belts on Amtrak so you might inquire about how you’d secure a car seat for times that you would want to be seated.
gre says
Amtrak with a walking kid is great and you can do a fair bit of walking. Unlike a plane there is no point where you have to be in your seat, and so cranky toddlers can be walked to the cafe car to say hi and look out the windows (or you can just take a table in the cafe car). There are no seatbelts, so putting a car seat on the passenger seat doesn’t seem terribly feasible– but it might work. If not, you could stash the car seat either at the end of the car (there are large spaces for luggage) or in the overhead space if it fits.
All that said, and having done numerous DC-NYC journeys, I would think twice about the DC-Chapel Hill for the length/delay reasons mentioned above. South of Richmond the trains get really slow and often take 30min-1hour longer than scheduled. So if it were me I would compare the projected length of the– really, truly easy*– train trip against the higher pain but perhaps shorter time frame of other forms of transport.
Also, Amtraks don’t have changing tables in the bathrooms. It makes no sense and is super annoying, but there you go.
*insofar as it can be, traveling with kids.
dc mom anon says
Thank you all so much! This is exactly the kind of insight I was looking for. I love this s!te and the hive.
Definitely going to consider driving this trip and perhaps scheduling a train trip to a closer locale.
TK says
Etiquette question.
You hear someone vomiting in a shared work bathroom with four stalls. Can’t tell who it is, but in a small-ish (50-person) workplace, you will likely recognize them when they emerge. To your knowledge, no on in the office is currently pregnant but you work with many women in their 20’s – 30’s. You:
(1) Ask if they’re okay and offer to get water
(2) Politely ignore, assuming this may be a not-yet-ready-to-make-public pregnancy situation and scurry out without getting a glimpse of the person.
I just did (2), but now I’m wondering if I’m a jerk and should have done (1). [FWIW, if it had been me in the stall, I would have preferred that the listener did (2).]
Anonymous says
definitely #2
No way to know if someone is pregnant/overdid it drinking the night before/stomach flu/stress reaction to an unfortunate event.
Easily Excitable says
#2. I trust they will ask for help if needed. Ignore.
Famouscait says
I think either option is fine, and I’d be more likely to do #1. I think the key there is to make the offer brief, and immediately accept the response. No “Are you sure?!” if she says “no thanks”.
Anon says
2. I would be completely mortified if a coworker heard or saw me barf. I know these things happen sometimes, but I would not want to draw any more attention to myself than necessary. I cry like an idiot when I throw up, so I know if someone saw me, I would be pale, shaking, with mascara cried down my face. Not what I want a coworker to see.
Anon says
2 in most cases, but I did 1 when I saw there was a mess on the floor (looked like they hadn’t gotten there in time), and offered paper towels/other help. It was related to an illness though.
Meg Murry says
I think you are fine giving the person their privacy – but I’m a worry-wart mothering type, so I might circle back around in 10 minutes or so to make sure the person isn’t still there and might need medical assistance (in case it’s a food poisoning or other medical incident) or their spare shirt and a bag if they got vomit on their clothes, etc.
Paging Pogo says
Pogo–how did your egg retrieval go today? I’ve been thinking about you. Fingers crossed for an awesome yield, and congratulations on being one giant step closer to the end goal! If you feel like it, keep us updated on how the embryos are progressing.
RDC says
Related to the question above – how to you handle the birth of a second (or later) kid without family in town to watch the older sibling? Our second is due this winter and we’ll probably fly out the “useful” grandparents around my due date, but I feel like we should have some kind of contingency plan in case baby arrives early. Do you have an established sitter (or two? More?) on call for the weeks leading up to you due date? Seems logical when I type it out but we don’t regularly use sitters so we don’t have any established relationships. And while friends would probably step in in a pinch, our kid doesn’t know them, so that seems like it would really hard on kiddo.
Anon says
Do you know your neighbors? I was 2.5 ish when my little sister was born, and my parents dropped me off with the across the road neighbors in the middle of the night when my mom went into labor almost 7 weeks early.
RDC says
Not that well, but we might have to get to know them. That’s exactly the scenario that’s freaking me out since I have no idea what we’d do in that situation. (Besides, I guess, me going to the hospital by myself / my husband waiting outside with the toddler, since I think kids aren’t allowed in L&D. Which I guess wouldn’t be the end of the word but is less than ideal.)
Anonymous says
Fun fact, depending on your hospital, your kid might not be allowed even allowed in the waiting area. My second baby was born during flu season, and because of that there was a strict no-kids policy for the entire maternity floor, including the waiting area. Surprise! We figured my son could wait with my husband while he made some calls to get someone to come pick him (son) up, but nope. I guess they could have waited in the main lobby, but that didn’t occur to us at the time. :)
RDC says
We might use the same hospital – ours also had a strict flu policy in place when my first was born, but I had forgotten about that.
Momata says
We had friends on standby to come stay at our house with our then-20 month old for while I was in actual labor/delivery. Fortunately, I had a very quick labor and delivery – friends came in the middle of the night, and baby was born by 4am so my husband was back home before my toddler woke up to get her ready for daycare and to take her in. He came back to the hospital for the day; then picked up my toddler, brought her to the hospital to meet the baby, then took her home and put her to bed. By that point the grandparents had arrived, so he came back to the hospital to “room in” with me and the baby. Baby and I went home the next day.
Perhaps start introducing your friends to your child now?
RDC says
Thank you – that’s really reassuring and seems more manageable broken down like that. We could likely get a grandparent here within 12-24 hrs so it’s a (relatively) short time we’d need to cover.
Anonymous says
This is exactly what I was going to say: Introduce kiddo to one or two friends who could be available. And remember that they only need to cover for the time between you leaving until family can arrive, minus daycare time. Also, it feels like a big ask when you are the one asking, but a friend really truly won’t mind doing it.
If you don’t have an established babysitter, you can also discretely ask daycare teachers if they would consider being on-call. Often teachers will do babysitting on the side, and it’s someone you and kiddo already know.
Anonymous says
I’d also recommend getting a birth doula to help fill the gap. It’s not a great experience if your DH is worried about trying to help you in labor plus contact caregivers for child at the same time. For our second it was great that DH could focus on getting child settled with caregivers (overnight bag checked/bedtime routine explained etc) while the doula helped me deal with contractions. DH, doula and I left for hospital once caregivers arrived.
RDC says
Yes – also planning on getting a doula. (Welcome recommendations in NOVA if anyone has any!)
Anonymous says
I used Candace of district doulas and really liked her. Where are you delivering? I was at GW and she knew it inside and out. Super helpful.
Anonymous says
For the 2nd, my sister planned to come visit for a week around my due date, and we had friends/neighbors who had agreed to watch our kid (they have a kid around the same age and a full time nanny, so no problem with them still needing to go to work the next day) if we needed them. Of course, labor started at 10pm the night before my sister arrived, friends didn’t answer their phones, and my husband ended up knocking on their door in the middle of the night and waking them up, which was less than ideal… but it worked out.
Our plan for the 3rd is that MIL is flying out for a week or so around my due date (house guest at 40 weeks pregnant. awesome.), and our favorite babysitter is on call the weekend prior to that. We offered her $100 to be available for the weekend + normal hourly rate if she actually ends up watching the kids. The same friends from the kid #2 story are also still around too, but they have an infant of their own so we’re really hoping it doesn’t come to that. Our across-the-street neighbor (SAHM with school-age children) has also offered to help if they’re home, but they travel quite a bit during the summer so it will be hit or miss. I’m really only worried about middle of the night and weekends; I know our daycare director would help us work something out if labor starts during the school day.
JLK says
Our plan was that DH and #1 would drive me to the hosptial, then go home. That’s worst case middle of the night scenario.
For daytime scenario, she’d stay at daycare and then be brought home by her daycare teacher and babysat til DH came come late evening/possibly overnight.
But as it turned out my MIL made the 5 hour drive and spent an exended weekend with us and that’s when #2 was born.
MDMom says
My brother and his wife recently moved across the country and had their third baby. They found a local babysitter who agreed to be on call and did a few test runs with her first so the kids were at least a little familiar with her. Maybe one of the teachers from your daycare lives nearby and would agree to do this? That way your kid would be with someone familiar.
EB0220 says
I second the idea of hiring a birth doula to bridge any gap. I was alone for most of my (early) labor with my first, and that sucked, so I might have gone a little overboard with the contingency planning for my second.
Samantha says
My first kiddo had a “best friend” from daycare and their parents offered to take kiddo anytime we needed to go to the hospital (if it was urgent) including for an overnight visit if needed. We had spent plenty of time together with the other family so I knew they would take good care of kiddo and our styles matched. Though we had never done a sleepover I didn’t think it would be too hard (the kids would have had fun together and probably giggled and not slept until late, which is what happened when they napped together). So that was our backup plan.
Anon in NYC says
Any recommendations for a birthday gift for a 3 year old boy who is into sports, puzzles, stuffed animals, and books? He already has the first two things that I thought of (soccer ball + goals or basketball + mini hoop).
NewMomAnon says
Books about sports, maybe with big glossy pictures? Or a toddler t-ball set or toddler golf set? I don’t know if he is into teams yet, but my daughter LOVES her team jersey (and will be so sad when she discovers that it is too small, eep).
mascot says
Richard Scarry’s “Cars and Trucks and Things that Go” book is great, especially the finding goldbug part.
Anonymous says
Yes, until his parents get so sick of it that they go insane and come to your house for revenge (my son is obsessed with this book right now, and I have read it with him approximately five billion times, and I love but also hate my in-laws for buying it for him ;)). My 3-year-old son is also really into the set of books by Tony Mitton and Ant Parker about different vehicles, which I’d also recommend.
mascot says
Ha, the obsession continues at our house 3 years later. We’ve “lost” the book in the playroom a couple of times. It did lead to an interest in Where’s Waldo type books as he’s gotten older.
blue says
The My First Flybar “pogo” stick was a big hit with my 3 year old
Shayla says
This may not be his thing, but my daughter (just turned 4) got a big bag of office supplies. It was the hit of her birthday, and is perfect. It’s tote with paper, notebooks, envelops, post-its, tape, all kinds of pens/markers/highlighters. She loves it. It’s all hers. And it came with a bag to keep the mess in!
In House Lobbyist says
My 3 year old loves the Mix it Up and Press Here books. I think there are games to go with the books but we haven’t got those yet.
TBK says
Interesting anecdote from a couple of friends (well, a friend and her friend on FB). She told her son the old riddle about the boy and the surgeon. If you’re not familiar with it, it goes like this:
A man and his son were in a car accident. The man died instantly but his son was rushed to the hospital and into surgery. The surgeon, on walking into the OR, says “I can’t operate on this boy — he’s my son!” How can that be since the father was killed in the crash?
The answer, at least in the 1990s, was that the surgeon is the boy’s mother. When people are stumped, it’s because they don’t immediately realize that a woman can be a surgeon. Apparently my friend’s son instead answered “the boy has two dads!” and her friend said that her own kid had answered the riddle the same way.
So…progress on the gay marriage front, but, really, it’s two dads that pops into kids’ heads first and not woman surgeon?
Anonymous says
Interesting.
Were all the kids asked boys? I’ve found people often place their own gender when it’s unclear.
I’m going to ask my girls this evening and see what they say!
Anonymous says
Also, I remember this going around in the ’90’s. Proud to say I was one of the few who got the answer the first time. It would have been pre-FMLA so maybe it was unusual for a female surgeon to have a child?
It would be disappointing if surgeons are still always male in people’s mind… although I admit that I’m taking a parent to a surgical consult tomorrow with someone neither of us has met and I’ve imagined them as a man! Grr!
EB0220 says
Great idea! I’ll do this too although not sure my daughter is old enough to get it.
Momata says
Perhaps I can’t see past my current toddler/baby scenario, but I personally can’t imagine telling a riddle to my kids where a parent dies in a car crash…? But then again, I bawled through our first family viewing of Land Before Time.
Lyssa says
That’s both funny and disheartening.
That riddle always bothered me, because it seemed like the surgeon’s response should have been “I can’t operate on anyone right now; my spouse just died!” (I guess the riddle doesn’t say that they were married, but, when I was a kid at least (pretty sure I heard that one in the ’80s), that seemed like a stronger assumption than the surgeon being a man. But you would assume that they had some sort of relationship, at least.)
Anonymous says
THANK YOU. This is exactly why I had such a hard time with this riddle and I could never put my finger on it!!!
TBK says
I always assumed the surgeon had no idea her family was in an accident at all. Presumably it would take time for them to figure out who the man and the boy were, and meanwhile the kid needs life-saving surgery. I figured she found out about the accident by walking into the OR and seeing the boy on the table is her son.
Anonymous says
That is what I always thought too. When I heard this riddle as a kid, what confused me was why the surgeon couldn’t operate on her own child.
Lyssa says
Jeeze, that’s even more horrifying!
Anonymous, I was confused by that (why the surgeon couldn’t operate on her own kid) too. I’m pretty sure I was still trying to work that out when whoever told me dropped the punchline (so I never even got the chance to see whether I would have assumed that the surgeon was male or not).
Anonymous says
I have always thought that the setup for this riddle primes the respondent to think about all the characters being male, even if she wouldn’t ordinarily assume that surgeons are men.
TBK says
Interesting. I wonder if the response would be different if the child was a girl.
Anonymous says
What if the kids are looking too hard for the “trick” in the trick question? As in, of course the surgeon could be the mom. That’s so simple and obvious that it couldn’t possibly be the answer to a tricky riddle. So maybe two dads?