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Ooh: This simple sheath dress is machine washable (and tumble dry!), and it’s only $105 as part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. I like the elbow-length sleeves, the work-appropriate length, and the flattering V-neck. It’s currently $105 (sizes 2-16), but after the sale it’ll go back up to $158. Eliza J V-Neck Sheath Crepe Dress
Here are two plus-size options in black and gray.
Psst: We’re giving away TWO $250 Nordstrom giftcards through tomorrow morning — check out full details for the giveaway here!
(L-5)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
3L mama says
Ok I feel like I post here every day about my bar exam anxiety and obviously I should just be studying BUT
walk me through what happens if I DON’T pass the bar. Just so I have a “worst-case scenario” plan (you know, to do “worst case/best case/most likely” contingency planning). I have an offer to start in November at an AmLaw 100 firm where I had a great summer…
quail says
First of all – you almost certainly WILL pass the bar. This anxiety is totally normal and is actually probably the best sign of your preparation! I would be more worried if you felt great :)
Second – someone at my spouse’s workplace (not BigLaw, though) failed the bar. That person was not fired and basically worked with supervision like a student. The person then took the February bar, I think. That’s probably the best case.
Really worst case – you have your offer rescinded and you go look for another job, unbarred, and take the February bar. And though that would be totally sucky, it sounds like you are well-qualified and would be able to find something, even if not your first choice.
You’ll pass. Good luck for calm nerves and few rule against perpetuities questions!
quail says
And I am glad to see that BigLaw is more humane than my worst case scenario! (And OP, I totally get the wanting to know the worst case scenario.) This makes me really happy.
Carrie M says
I’ve known several people who have failed the bar, and it will be okay. (All 3 passed on the second try; all 3 are successful, practicing attorneys to this day.) The BigLaw firms I’ve been at have all let first years re-take the exam in February, and they all offered paid time off to study.
I know it’s impossible not to worry, but just do your best over the next few days to keep your head down, study, and take care of yourself physically and mentally. It won’t be the end of the world if you have to re-take it. Annoying, yes, but it will be okay. Good luck!!
Vi says
+1 It will have no long-term career impacts since you will study and pass the February bar.
Anonymous says
+1 The only person I know who didn’t pass the bar (probably because she was violently ill and broke up with her long-time boyfriend the day before) took paid time to study and passed in Feb.
Anonymous says
I know several Big Law incoming associates who failed the bar on their first try. They were all given a second chance automatically and they all passed on the second try. It only becomes problematic once you’ve failed twice, and even then you can get a third try if you have someone powerful pulling for you. You will pass. And if you don’t, you will either start as planned in November or delay your start date. Either way you will take the February bar and pass then. Good luck. Relax.
Katala says
+1 I knew plenty of first years when I started in BigLaw who failed and took the February bar (don’t quite remember, but maybe 10 out of our ~100 person class). It was a non-issue. In many states, the process of getting admitted after you pass takes months, and it’s faster for February passers since there are fewer of them. In the end, there wasn’t all that much difference in admission dates for people who passed in July vs. Feb.
I’m not sure you even need someone pulling for you for a third try. Many firms allow 3 tries no question. But you certainly won’t need it. You’re very likely to pass this time, since it sounds like you’re putting in the study time.
Good luck! Try to relax (ha) and put one foot in front of the other. It will be over soon.
huh says
I’m really surprised by these comments. I was in BigLaw for 5 years and no first year had ever failed the bar. Not saying that it doesn’t happen, of course. I’m glad that these firms were so sympathetic (I’m not sure mine would have been).
Katala says
Maybe it depends on the state. The NY pass rate is low enough that it’s probably statistically impossible for no NYC biglaw first years to fail. Plus, everyone starts before the results are released, so it’s not like they can tell people too bad, no job if they don’t pass (they could let them go but that looks a lot worse).
(was) due in June says
I’m in biglaw. Two of our class of 2015 first years failed the July bar. They took it again in February and passed. It was no big deal. The office was nothing if not sympathetic and supportive. We all know that even smart people fail the bar sometimes… you misread a question… your computer crashed… sh!t happens. I also know of at least two partners who failed the bar the first time.
Anon says
Anecdata for you:
– one of my best friends failed the California bar the first time. We were class of 2006. Her AmLaw 100 firm was understanding and supportive. She retook in February and passed. She recently made partner at that same firm.
ChiLaw says
Yeap. One of my closest friends failed the 2008 July bar exam. She lost her job (along with like, everyone else in my graduating class, thanks 2008) and took it in February and passed it and has a solid, meaningful, legal career. I had to withdraw my application in July 2008 due to some health stuff, and I took the exam in February 2009. No one cared, I stayed at my Big Law job until I couldn’t stand it, and being admitted 6 months later had no impact on my career at all. You’ve got this.
3L mama says
thanks for these reassuring words. My MBE scores are still not where I’d like them to be BUT it does help me focus/study when I remember that all is not lost if I don’t pass.
My husband is trying to be encouraging and “light a fire under me” but telling me how important it is that I pass, and he thinks I should not think at all about *not* passing “so I don’t have that fallback in my head,” but that’s really just making me anxious and distracted.
This has been a rough summer for a variety of unforeseeable personal reasons, and I have this fear that because I had a baby in law school, failing the bar would be linked to that and make me not appear serious. And I mean, *if* I fail it sort of would be linked to some challenges caused indirectly by the baby, but not because I am not serious or did not arrange sufficient childcare or… like… it would be an actual but not proximate cause, you feel me? Anyway…
Anonymous says
Honey let me tell you something. I had a baby in Feb of 3L. I had a similar a$$hole of a husband who thought I needed to be kicked in the pants regularly in order to pass. I took BarBri. I never read a single outline. I watched the videos and did the practice questions. I pumped during study breaks during the day. I pumped in the bathroom at the bar exam, both days. I left each quarter of the exam 15 minutes early, so I didn’t have to wait on line for everyone else for the bathroom, because my b00bs were bursting. I passed. I got a divorce. I have a crappy little apartment that I love with my whole heart, because it’s MINE. You’ll be just fine. And even if you’re not, you’ll figure out a way to make it work. The bar exam will come and go. You have a huge advantage if you’re still nursing — the hormones you release when you pump/nurse relax you, and help you stay calm, even in the face of extreme stress. You got this, mama.
3L mama says
thank you! this is very encouraging. I am still nursing. Read this site while pumping :-) fortunately my state allows nursing mothers to take two extra breaks to pump, or I don’t know what I would have done.
Pogo says
Just planned a last-minute weekend trip to Maine with my husband, which I think guarantees that I’ll end up needing to go back to the clinic for monitoring this weekend.
For those of you who did an antagonist IVF protocol, how often did you go in for monitoring once you started the antagonist – every other day, every day?
PinkKeyboard says
My clinic decided based on my ultrasound/blood and called me later in the day to schedule. It ended up being about every other day with every day towards the trigger date.
Em says
Kiddo had HFM last week and luckily it was so mild we (and his very vigilant daycare) didn’t even realize that’s what it was. Just a one-day fever and two spots on one hand. That’s where our luck ran out. He gave it to me and my case was SEVERE (fever and sores everywhere) and I got hit with a sinus infection at the same time. It is finally starting to clear up and I realized last night that the antibiotic for the sinus infection gave me thrush in both n*pples. I have calls into my OB and the ped for meds for us both, but anything else I need to know about thrush?
Anonymous says
Oh my gosh, no, but that sounds awful. And these types of stories scare me away from any thoughts of having another child, ever.
JLK says
we had HFM too. The fever came first (103.5!) with no other symptoms and only lasted a (miserable) day. The next 3 days were fine and then BAM she got mouth sores (mild ones but visible) and otherwise felt fine. Then I said ohhhhhh that must explain the fever.
Out 3 days though, huge bummer.
Spirograph says
Same here. 3 days home with a drooling but otherwise energetically normal toddler just about drove me insane, but luckily I didn’t catch HFM, myself.
No advice on thrush, but sorry to hear how this turned out for you, Em! I hope it all clears up soon.
Anons says
Ugh. My advice would be to cut out all the sugar you can in your diet, take a good probiotic (may need to give one to kiddo too) and/or eat naturally probiotic foods, wear bras only once and use a vinegar rinse in the laundry (basically sterilize anything that makes contact and use only once). You want to nip it in the bud before you get a stubborn case.
JEB says
For the thrush, ask for a prescription for APNO (All Purpose N*pple Ointment). You’ll probably have the take the prescription to a compounding pharmacy, where they actually mix it for you on-site. This stuff is magic. An oral dose of Difflucan won’t hurt either. Agreed with the prior suggestion to sterilize laundry. It can be tough to get rid of, and when I was dealing with it, I found it best to attack from all sides possible.
Amelia Bedelia says
this stuff really IS magic. just make sure not to double dip when applying!
Also, I found that one does of difulcan wasn’t sufficient. I was on it for ten days!
NewMomAnon says
Are you bf’ing? If so, I would suggest a good probiotic for both you AND your kiddo, since thrush can easily be passed back and forth between n*pples and baby’s mouth. Whenever kiddo or I took antibiotics while nursing, I put both of us on a probiotic regimen. The pediatrician recommended getting at least 10,000 units in your probiotic source (I don’t remember what the units are…).
You could also contact a lactation consultant; they are often helpful at helping you beat thrush.
And yuck. Hope better luck starts coming your way.
Anon says
Any suggestions for applying to an in house job for a current client of your firm? I don’t know the client well, but the partners that I work for do. I’m a midlevel and don’t want to burn bridges at the firm, but it could be a great opportunity. I’d rather it not get back to the partners that I’m interviewing/applying.
JayJay says
Generally (if your firm is business savvy at all), going in house will not burn bridges. There may be immediate annoyance that they have to find someone new to take their work, but partners realize that you going in house equals a potential client for them. My company has interviewed a lot of firm lawyers from firms that we use, and we never tell the relationship partner about it.
Just make sure that you have a good reason why you want to go in-house and leave the firm. I think any lawyer interviewing you will know why, but business people may not. Know a lot about the company and it’s industry – any industry specific challenges/regulations that the company may face.
Anonymous says
My firm has partners you can meet with confidentially to discuss outplacement. Maybe something to consider if your firm offers an equivalent program.
Anon says
Ooo… I wish. I don’t think there is anything like that available.
I’m not concerned about the long term reaction if I do get the job because the group has wanted more work from that client for a while. But I’m very concerned what would happen if they find out that I applied and I don’t get it. I’m not sure if I trust the client to keep it in confidence since they know certain partners in my office so well.
anon says
I applied to a client position once and they kept it confidential after they asked me if the relationship partner knew I was applying. I didn’t up being the right fit for the role (it was a non-law role), but things weren’t awkward.
Katala says
No direct evidence of this, but I imagine clients generally don’t want to be known as someone who will spill the beans if someone applies. That reputation hurts their chances of good applicants in the future, so they *should* be smarter than that.
Closet Redux says
How do you deal with small differences in parenting styles as between you and your partner?
My husband does/says things to our toddler that grate me, but I’m not sure if I should address it or not. Example 1: he’ll firmly say “leave it,” when she touches something she shouldn’t be touching, which is language he picked up from our friends who were training their dog (i mean, right?). A) she is not a dog, don’t treat her like one (but counterpoint, she doesn’t know he got it from a dog), and B) model complete sentences and real human interaction you want her to emulate, like saying please and thank you and giving an explanation as to why (but, counterpoint, it is effective at stopping the behavior immediately). Example 2: she likes to dress herself in the mornings and he insists on fixing anything that’s wrong, like a backwards tee or an upside down sock. I feel like it doesn’t matter if her shirt is on backwards, I am more interested in celebrating her independence than having her dressed well. So long as she’s got all the pieces on and is comfortable I would leave her be. (But, counterpoint, we do want her to know how to put on her shirt “the right way,” I suppose, as at this stage it really is that she did it incorrectly, not that its a sartorial choice.)
So, broadly, how do you decide when to address these kinds of things? When do you feel like you need to be on the same page and when do you feel like it’s just a difference in style that doesn’t matter?
layered bob says
following. My husband tells our daughter “no” more than I would like – but I don’t know if it is worth addressing or just a different approach that is also fine.
POSITA says
I’ve heard that it’s actually better to use fewer words with young toddlers when giving instructions. They are supposedly more likely to comply. I might not choose “leave it,” but there are worse things. I would probably just model other words (perhaps “uh uh” or “no touch”) and hope that he stops.
In general, try to let my DH decide how to parent, so I certainly wouldn’t ask him to stop. I might mention that so-and-so uses the same phrase for their dog and that maybe we could use something else. But I wouldn’t push.
Closet Redux says
That makes total sense. It is, indeed, fairly effective.
Sarabeth says
I’ve heard this too. We used “uh oh” well after my toddler could speak in more complex phrases – having a simple, set phrase that she could process *easily* seemed to help. Even if she could follow longer phrases, she wasn’t necessarily going to put in the work to process them before she got her hands in bird poop.
Anon MN says
I bring up (later without kiddo around) why I would do it differently/what is bugging me. But if it’s not something that I see as a big deal (i.e. discipline, things that affect psych, etc) I let him do his thing differently. I do bring up new strategies when I am reading a parenting book and find a good tidbit as well.
As for the “leave it” as terrible as it seems, the best advice given to me about redirecting my toddler was to keep it short and to exactly what we want. We say “hands off” (short and tells him exactly what we want him to do). If he throws a fit, etc then we explain further, but have found the short and sweet redirection to work really well. (he is older now, but still immediately responds if we request “hands off” which is nice in a lot of situations).
Closet Redux says
This is what I’m interested in– what triggers your saying something. If it relates to discipline or affects psych, then you mention it, but otherwise not.
So far for me, we’re on the same page about discipline, and I recently said something about our difference in usage of screen time (he allows it, I don’t) because his approach was triggering tantrums, so it seemed worth interrupting. Otherwise, I’m mostly seeing these as totally legitimate differences in style. But I can’t help being bothered by it, especially since I used to work in early childhood ed, have read a number of parenting books (he has read none), and generally have more experience with children (including several younger siblings and cousins, whereas our child is the first child my husband has really spent any time with). I definitely don’t want that to translate into “I think I’m a better parent” than him or undermine his legitimate parenting choices that happen to be different than mine (hence the “counterpoints” above– I acknowledge the legitimacy!) just looking for guidance about when you seek the same page and when you’re like, Dad does it differently, end.
Other says
I intervene with it (a) impacts me, or (b) could potentially harm kid – mentally or physically.
So, in your examples above, if child throws a fit when dad tries to correct his/her clothing, and I am expected to help re-dress or calm kid down, I’d privately chat with my husband about why this step feels unnecessary. If she’s receptive to his change requests, then let him go for it. She gets to have it both ways – exercise her independence with you and understand there is a value in presenting oneself neatly with dad. FWIW, we are firmly in the camp that allows our kids to choose their clothing and dress themselves, as long as it is seasonally appropriate. Even then, I’m guilty of allowing my kids to go out and get cold or hot (not dangerously so) so they are more receptive to learning about how to dress appropriately. That said, my older kid seems totally unaware of some important grooming cues, so I think there is definitely value in showing *how* to dress appropriately, especially if your child is receptive to it.
As for discipline styles, your husband’s command works! I wouldn’t mess with it, UNLESS your daughter seems afraid of him when he says it. That would trigger my “harm” intervention above. He may not see that, and I do think it would be worth pointing out to him. Otherwise, knowing it’s a dog command is what is tripping you up, not an intrinsic harm to your child (as far as I can tell).
Overall, I do think you are getting a little close to trying to out-parent him. I do this too. I research things to death (helllo litigator!), and try to dictate behavior based on the evidence I find. This backfires when I’m so focused on my research/experience that I let it cloud what is happening in front of me. Real life example – we had to choose a school for my younger son, and I had reams of literature regarding why a particular educational theory *should* be better for him. And my husband, who reads almost none of the stuff I do, kept saying – but I think he’ll be happier doing [other school]. And guess who was right? We did both programs, and son was substantially happier in the school that husband picked. Even though, arguably, my experience and research should have pointed to the other program.
Also, having done this parenting thing for a while now, there is real value in kids seeing both parents be their “expert.” I hate the dynamic where one parent looks to the other for guidance or “permission” to act. And even if you intervene in private, over time, the dynamic will be so ingrained that one parent will defer to the other instinctively. Kids pick up on that!
Closet Redux says
YES, your last two paragraphs are so helpful! I know I am veering and really trying to course correct myself– my question is more about ME than it is about my husband. I grew up in a house where my mom did all the parenting and my dad was definitely secondary (expect for big discipline issues, i.e. very traditional). I want an equal co-parent family, and am trying to temper my (litigator) impulses that research / experience = expertise and do better at trusting my husband’s instincts (and my kid’s ability to navigate that).
JLK says
it took both DH AND me about 12 months to kick our habit of talking to our baby like a dog. We had the dog first and he was very stubborn and required lots of stern training.
We had to make a concerted effort to speak to DD like a person that can learn things, and not a dog that needs to be scolded. It was embarassingly hard. Even now (she’s 3) every once in a while I”ll say something like “go get your dish” (meaning, go get your bowl). At least I’ve yet to put her on a leash? :)
Katala says
Ha, we haven’t had dogs for several years (and cats don’t respond to our commands, sigh…) but I still find myself using dog-talk with our 14 month old. He does something he’s been working on (eg steps, identifying a letter), I hear myself say “good boy” and feel like, where did that come from??
Good to know it’s not just me, and the habit can be broken :)
Make sense says
Babies are humans and humans are animals. We learn through a lot of the same mechanisms. Dogs aren’t just scolded, they are trained which is a fancy word for learning. Our kids are learning too. I see no harm in utilizing positive dog training methods with kids! I love the scene in Knocked Up when she’s like “oh my god, he’s playing fetch with the kids.” If the kids are having fun, who cares???
(was) due in June says
My friend uses positive dog training techniques on her toddler. They work great. I really don’t see anything wrong with it at all.
mascot says
:raises hand: We are completely guilty of using some of the same commands, mouth clicks, and whistles on our child as we do on the dogs. He hasn’t started eating out their bowls yet so I think he’s going to be ok. In all seriousness, it’s sometimes preferable to give a short command, especially when safety is involved. A toddler doesn’t need an in the moment explanation for everything and as they get older, long explanations can lead to confusion and arguing (ask me how I know).
Kids aren’t little adults so you can’t speak to them the same way. I think please and thank you are good habits, but you have to make sure that they understand that what you are saying is a command, not a request to be ignored. “Baby redux, leave it (please)” will get better results than “Baby redux, let’s not play with that, okay?” We have had to work on our parenting style to make sure we are consistent because being a good parent isn’t innate. Just sit down with him and have open ended conversations about what results you want, what you thought your parents did well and what they didn’t do well, and what battles you think are worth fighting.
Sarah says
Personally, I find it entertaining when I tell little one to “leave it” and the dog drops her toy at the exact same time. I figure if my child can’t put more than two words together, and it’s a safety issue at play – I shouldn’t be using more than two words to communicate to him. We use please/thank you when it’s a less stressful situation.
Anon says
lol – your dog and your kiddo are better trained than mine! Wish I got that kind of obedience!
In all seriuosness, I’ve hear the literal, short commands are better for young listeners. For instance, our preschool uses “Stop your body” because it’s easier for a little one to hear and react to what you are requesting them to do.
Katala says
Oh, I like this. Adding it to the arsenal now that DS is walking well/thinking about running.
anon says
We had real success with my son around age 2 using the term “red light.” He still got to run ahead a bit when it was safe, but knew to immediately stop moving when he heard us say red-light. If he wasn’t able to play this game by the rules, then it was back to walking along holding my hand.
Anonymama says
I read somewhere that dogs actually have about the same level of intellect as toddlers. I’ve found a lot of dog training techniques super helpful in teaching kids as well (clear, direct commands, immediate follow through, consistency, praise good behavior). So I wouldn’t sweat the use of dog commands (although we do also joke that our toddler is part puppy: loves dogs, balls, people, chewing on things)
I also wouldn’t sweat the small stuff in different preferences, it may actually be good for a kid to learn that there are different ways of doing things. Maybe agree on house rules for stuff that you really need to be consistent on, but if it’s just matching socks or not it’s not worth it, even if it’s possible to make some deeper argument on what it means for your overall philosophy of child raising. There are bigger fish to fry.
TK says
I pick and choose my battles. Mr. TK and I aren’t wildly different, and I try to make peace with him responding differently than I would. For example, during a build up to a tantrum, I’m more likely to try to engage and have little TK work on finding words to explain why he’s upset and troubleshoot solutions while Mr. TK is more likely to ignore and wait for it to blow over. (Me: “You want your pacifier? Pacifiers are for bedtime. Are you ready to go to bed? No? Then what else can we do?” Mr. TK: “No.” (Goes and sits in other room.) I personally find his method less effective but if he’s the on-duty parent at the time I’ won’t jump in to second guess his choices.
If it was something I felt strongly about (e.g., no gun toys) then I’d step in, otherwise I just accept that me, Mr. TK, daycare, and grandma/grandpa will all have different ways of interacting with Little TK, and he’ll figure it out.
PhilanthropyGirl says
This. DH an I are different people and we do things differently. Children can understand that, or can at least come to understand that. I try to only address things I feel really strongly about, or things that I see no positive benefit to.
Closet Redux says
What are those things, for example?
PhilanthropyGirl says
One big one was yelling. DH had a tendency to yell when kiddo did something he shouldn’t. I saw no positive benefit from yelling – kiddo only yelled back. So I asked him why he was yelling and if he’d be willing to quit. He did, and has been happy with the result.
Outside play is another thing I’ve really pushed. DH doesn’t like monitoring kid outside, but I’m insistent that he have 60-90 minutes every day. It’s a non-negotiable for me, because he sleeps better and is better behaved when he can let off steam.
We’ve discussed the “do you say please to your kid” matter too. I don’t. I’m not asking, I’m instructing the child to do something. DH does. I thought it was a bad idea because it gave the child an option to not do what he was told, but DH says it helps him with the yelling – it’s hard to yell when you’re asking politely. So I let it be. The not yelling was way more important.
We’ve had other things we’ve compromised on: climbing on furniture and eating meals come to mind. We both moved toward the middle on those things, and it’s worked.
Anonymous says
Agree completely. My husband and I handle tantrums and bedtime stubbornness very differently, and he thinks spanking is effective. I’m not 100% anti-spanking, but I think it should be used very judiciously, and obviously it’s not working if you’re spanking the kid multiple times per week for the exact same thing. It also really upsets me that my son will respond to the “do you want a spanking?!” threat with “yes,” and that only the older child gets spanked when the younger one is also wide awake and jumping in the crib after bedtime, but hasn’t gotten out of bed and turned on the light to play with toys (because he CAN’T. He definitely would if he could escape the crib). That just seems like a toxic double standard to introduce in the sibling relationship. So I’ve talked to my husband about that. A lot.
But things like gun toys (I caved on squirt guns, but no other gun toys are allowed), screen time (fine, let the kid watch one episode of PawPatrol) I’ve just let go. Like PhilanthropyGirl, I won’t budge on outdoor time. I also won’t budge on bedtime, even though my husband seems to think it’s NBD if the kids are up an hour or two later, because I’m the one who has to get the cranky, overtired kids out of the house in the morning, and it ruins my day.
You have to pick your battles. It’s OK to disagree on some parenting things, but the exact phrasing of how you tell your toddler to put something down isn’t a hill I’d choose to die on.
CPA Lady says
This is kind of rambling and incoherent, but hopefully I’ll be able to make my point– I think we all have things that are our hot button issues. I try to step back and think about WHY things bother me and if they are part of a parenting deal-breaker pattern before I say anything.
There are some things that I’m hypersensitive about because they are things that were negatively present in my own childhood– like food/body shaming/teaching a child to ignore their own hunger cues. I would absolutely speak up even though I know I’m hypersensitive because I think that has a terribly negative affect on a child no matter what. Luckily my husband has never body shamed our daughter, but he was taught to ignore hunger cues, because it was “wasteful” to not eat all the food on your plate no matter what. So we have discussed that. There was an incident at a restaurant where we were eating with my husband’s sister and her kids, and she was making a huge fuss about them not eating “enough”. My husband started threatening to tickle our nephews if they didn’t eat more even though they were not hungry. I almost started crying and had a quiet panic attack at the table because of my own issues I’ve had and we had a big discussion about that incident later.
Then there will be something like using a harsh tone of voice, that I’m hypersensitive about because my own mom was very harsh. My husband is in general a very patient, loving father, so him occasionally using a harsh tone of voice might make my skin crawl, but I wont say anything about it, because it’s not an over-arching negative issue. If that makes sense.
Legally Brunette says
Can I ask what you mean by “ignore hunger cues”? Does that mean as a child, you weren’t given enough to eat even when you were hungry (because it wasn’t mealtime, for example) or that you were forced to eat everything on your plate?
This is something I really struggle with as well wtih my kids. I had a horrible relationship with food as a kid because my mom essentially wouldn’t let me leave the table until I ate most/all of my food. So I basically grew up disliking food, was scrawny, and thought of eating as a chore, not a delight. It was only when I went to college where no one cared what I ate that I began to enjoy food.
CPA Lady says
Being badgered to eat.
I had a very bad anxiety disorder as a child because of my family circumstances and my personality, and I was so anxious that eating made me feel like gagging. So I ate like an anorexic person. Like five crackers for lunch. Because beyond that my throat felt like it was closing. I was extremely thin and and was constantly being badgered to eat more well into my 20s. Which of course, just made me more anxious. “Is that all you’re eating” is my least favorite phrase because it brings up so many terrible emotional memories. I have behaviors (to this day) that are somewhat in line with an eating disorder that I developed to cope with being badgered to eat more than I want– like not eating big meals when I’m alone, but eating a lot of food when I’m in front of people to “prove” that I’m eating “enough”. It’s messed up. And I consider myself to be a healthy and happy person at this point.
Anon says
I very vividly remember feeling waves of relief washing over me when my dad would tell me I didn’t have to finish dinner. My family was very, very, very frugal growing up, and so the issues stemmed from money – not body control. Basically, leaving food on your plate was “wasting,” particularly if we were on a rare dinner out. I would get excited and order something big, then feel anxiety when I got a few bites in and had to stop. My mom was big on cleaning your plate, but my dad later intervened and would say to eat what you can/save the rest. I just remember feeling relief when I got to choose how much I wanted to eat and was not shamed for eating/not eating (and I was a really small kid – my mom maintains I survived on fruit juice and hot dogs for my preschool years).
As I got older, I was a serious dancer and gymnast, and later a competitive runner. All sports where disordered eating is basically a price of admission. Despite seeing friends struggle mightily with it, I never had a problem with it. I’m sure it would have been different if I was forced to finish what I couldn’t eat.
Samantha says
” I basically grew up disliking food, was scrawny, and thought of eating as a chore, not a delight”
– Legally Brunette, this is exactly my five year old.
I hope I’m not repeating the mistakes your parents made. Please tell me what (not) to do!
He is playful and often doesn’t eat enough (to the point that he’s exhausted later) so I do coax him a bit to eat more (ask your tummy if it’s feeling full! If you dont want to finish this, would you like yogurt instead?). But if he reiterates a couple of times that he can’t eat anymore, I let him step away from the table.
Is this ok? He is scrawny and expends SOO much energy and I do want him to grow up strong!
Anon MN says
I would recommend Ellen Satter’s book to you (or the Alphamom blog mentioned below which talks alot about it). Basic premise: It’s your job to put the food in front of them (without any micromangement from them, ei “I don’t like X), it’s their job to eat it (without any micromanagement from you, i.e. “one more bite” “eat your veggies”).
So once your son says he’s done, he can be done. We do require sitting at the table if everyone is still eating. So in the example above, Kid says he can’t eat anymore, you say okay, sounds like your tummy is full and you are ready to be done (a casual reminder that we should fill up our tummy but no extra pressure to eat more).
If you are really worried about him eating enough, I would just have some healthy snacks always available (which is anti-Satter, so do what you will with that)
What Would the French Do?? says
I’m on your husband’s team on the clothing issue. You wouldn’t let your 8 year old leave the house with a purposefully inside-out shirt, so why your toddler? It’s never too young to start teaching lessons on “this is how adults do things”. There are plenty of other opportunities for fostering an independent spirit.
-signed I read “Bring up Bebe” and am in the middle of “French Twist: a American Mom’s Experiment in Parisian Parenting.” I’m a convert!!
Dinner schedules that are not in sync says
Do any of you ladies have different dinner schedules for your kids and if so, how do you get them to eat and keep the non-eating one occupied? I have a 2 and 4 year old. The 2 year goes to bed very early (6:45 pm), the older one not until 8:30 pm. So, as a result, we have been feeding the 2 year old around 5:30 pm and the older one around 6:30 pm.
This has worked out very well in the past because our sitter used to pick up the little one, and feed and bathe him before I came home with my older son. But now, the kids will be in the same preschool so the sitter will pick up both kids at the same time.
Yesterday, it was pretty much impossible to get the little one to eat. He was seeing his brother play and goof off and had no interest in sitting in one place to eat. And the older one was bored and therefore distracting the younger one from eating. It was a mess.
Is the solution simply for them to eat at the same time? Is there another creative solution?
mascot says
Feed them at the same time. If you need to buy some time to fix dinner, feed them part of their dinner as a snack (cut up veggies or fruit worked well for us).
Anons says
I have not personally had to deal with this issue, but it seems like the easiest solution would be to feed them both at the same time and then give the older one an evening snack if needed. Something like a smoothie, carrot sticks, fruit, hummus wraps, cheese, whatever would fill him up. You could go through acrobatics to try and get them to eat at different times, but I don’t think it would be worth it.
EP-er says
We all eat together, at 6 PM. Sometimes that means that one or the other needs an after school snack (fruit, nuts) but we all sit down together and talk about our days. We also offer a bed time snack around 8. I think that it is an important time to learn manners and sharing and conversing. If you want to wait to eat with your husband, I still see value in doing this just with the kids and you, even if you aren’t eating your full meal.
Anony says
Why is 4yo going to bed at 8:30PM?
I have kids the same age and we all eat at the same time and both kids sleep at the same time.
Toddler is a poor eater says
Anyone have a child that is not a great eater, and on the smaller side weight-wise? How proactive are you on getting your child to eat?
My older one is a champion eater, my 1.5 year old not so much. He’s in the 15th percentile for weight. Dinner can often be very challenging. He doesn’t want to sit in one place, which is part of the problem (although at daycare he very obediently sits in his chair, no problem). My mom, with good intentions, would essentially follow him all around the house trying to get him to eat something. I think that created a bad habit because now he is very resistant to sitting in his seat.
How much should I be worried about this? Part of me thinks that if he isn’t willing to sit at the table, he doesn’t get to eat. But then he’s so little to begin with that I cave and feed him even when he’s not in his seat.
And even when he is in his seat, there are times where he will only eat plain yoghurt for dinner. and maybe two or three spoons of soup. I feel that’s hardly anything, but getting him to eat more doesn’t work.
How much should I be worried about this? His diapers are full so he’s certainly eating something, just not as much as I would expect of a child his age.
PhilanthropyGirl says
My toddler is all over the map. He eats enough breakfast for a full grown man. The rest of the day is a toss up. Last night was about half a dozen bites of grilled chicken and one bite of zucchini. He’s always been on the low end of the weight percentile. For lunch, his meal often ends up on an end table and he snacks when he desires. Supposedly this is a no-no, but I’d much rather he eat.
I’ve tried to take the tack that he’ll eat when he’s hungry. It is super normal for toddlers to go through a “too busy to eat” stage, so I’m trusting that at some point he’ll settle down a bit and eat more. I always serve one thing per meal I know he’ll eat (generally, either some form of bread or fruit). Other than that, I try to not force the issue. He seems to eat better when I ignore how much he’s eating. The more I try to tempt him to eat, the more it becomes a game to not eat.
I wouldn’t worry about the food consumption. I’d work on getting him to sit still through a meal (ie, break the bad habit); I think the rest will come as he grows.
Katala says
Yep, all over the map. Mine is a huge eater and off the growth charts, so if anything we worry about whether we should cut him off even when he still seems hungry (ped says no, so we don’t). But some meals/days he barely eats. So I think it’s normal and if the doctor isn’t concerned, I wouldn’t worry about it.
CPA Lady says
The book Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter really helped me. As I mentioned above, I grew up with some very distorted ideas about food, and just reading that book was an enormous comfort to me. I was laughing like a maniac and highlighting every third sentence. It is divided by age group, so you can just skip the baby part.
(I’m going to sound terrible here, but #honesty) My issue was that my daughter was in the 80th percentile for weight and ate the same amount of food as me and I was scared about how that made me feel and didn’t want to become some kind of terrible restrictive harpy whose child later blamed her for her bulimia.
You don’t have to do everything she says in the book, but it was so incredibly comforting and completely changed my view on food, health, body image, everything. It was like a light-bulb of calm and acceptance.
Thx says
Amalah at Alphamom . com posts a lot on toddler food issues applying the Satter method. We haven’t had perfect success with it, and have adapted it slightly to our kids’ personalities.
Probably the biggest pro-Satter change would be for OP to cook one meal that everyone has to eat and everyone sits together (so, no yogurt at dinner). My kids are more apt to sitting if I’m there with them. OP could also implement the rule that once you get up from the table, you are done and food goes away. The first three days would be like CIO of eating – fits thrown when little one realizes that (a) this is all s/he gets, and (b) food goes away when you get up. The second part may be a little harsh for the baby set, but YMMV.
That said, I have a “food rigid” preschooler who responds well to clear boundaries. Satter advises cooking one meal with one item that is palatable to the kids, but you choose what to cook and they can choose what to eat/not eat – you don’t intervene, full stop. Eventually, once the pressure is off, they will be more receptive to trying all foods on the table. But, my guy would be perfectly content to eat only the foods he likes without every trying anything else, ever period. Now that he’s 4, he understands he has to have one bite of everything on the table, which I don’t think Satter would bless.
We also implemented a nightly snack, which changes based on what they eat for dinner (again, not Satter). If they choose not to eat dinner, fine – I’m not making or offering anything else. But at snack time, they have to eat something healthy – apple, banana, or peanut butter toast (if the totally rejected the dinner option). If they eat well, they can have cookies or whatever.
No matter when/what they are eating, I don’t put limits the amount they eat (which I find a bit of a gray area with sweet snacks – I’ve seen my older kid have like 4 bites of dinner and then put away 4 cookies, and I’m never precisely sure what to do about that). I also tell them to listen to their bodies, and eat however much they want. This has led to “My tummy is full for chicken, but is still hungry for cookies.” If anyone has thoughts there ,would love to hear them.
Faye says
+1. We do Satter, except you have to have one bite of everything.
When we hear “full for chicken, but hungry for cookies” then we enforce a second bite of everything to get a small “second helping” of cookie. Then we say all done, you’ll have to wait until next snack/meal.
One of us grew up in a poor family where not eating everything was wasteful, the other grew up in a family where food equals love. Our modified Satter helps us fight those associations while still encouraging them to try new foods. Not perfect, but hopefully moving in the right direction.
NewMomAnon says
You know, having a daughter in the 85th percentile for height/weight is causing all sorts of strange reactions for me too. My mom will proudly tell everyone who asks that her children were in the 5th percentile, and at one point told me that I was only 12 pounds at a year old (but I was born 10.5 pounds, sooooo…..draw your own conclusions). I never realized how important “smallness” was to me until I had a tall and proportionately heavy child.
Sometimes I wonder if my fear of projecting the “smallness” ideal is so great that I bend the other way and become too permissive with letting kiddo eating junk food. But the pediatrician says I’m doing OK so I’m going to keep plowing blindly forward.
OP says
This blows my mind! I think my parents would have a heart attack if my kids were in the 5th percentile. My mom’s motto is food = love and you feed your kids until they’re bursting, essentially. So interesting to hear a completely different reaction to being a low percentile.
NewMomAnon says
My mom had a fetish for smallness. My dad, on the other hand, held a nightly competition after dinner to see who had the biggest “bowling ball” in their stomach (i.e., who had eaten themselves to the point of bloating). It was a strange dissonance.
PhilanthropyGirl says
This is so strange to me too! My local culture is very big on “big” babies – high birthweight is awesome (if you can birth a 10 pound baby, you are basically a rock star), and the more rolls your baby has the better. I always felt guilty for my skinny baby. It was strange to me that it seemed very important to have large babies, but be a small adult. I’ve managed to do neither.
MDMom says
My 14 month old is around 15-20th percentile for weight and has been since 2-3 months (he was born at 50th percentile). I actually feel like he eats pretty well most of the time but it’s highly variable. I don’t worry about it though. He won’t starve himself. If I were you, I would not worry at all unless he is significantly dropping off his growth curve. I would give him an iron supplement if he isnt eating much meat or fortified grains. And I would read Child of Mine by ellyn satter. Some of the specific advice is dated, but the philosophy is great. Also agree that following him around the house with food is not a great idea ( my mother in law would totally do the same!).
RDC says
Just to offer a counter-perspective, my ADHD brother was unable to sit still for meals and was always very thin. Not at the toddler stage, but in elementary school my mom eventually took away his chair and let him pace circles around the table during meals. He would take a bite or two at every lap and ended up eating a lot more that way. And it ended the sit-still battle, although the pacing did drive me crazy.
Anons says
How old is he? Is his pediatrician worried about weight? Unless you are dealing with a medical issue involving weight or nutrition, I am a big believer in the Ellyn Satter division of responsibility for toddler eating. You should be able to Google it, but basically you decide what is served, where it is served, and when it is served. The toddler decides whether to eat and how much to eat. No pressure and no cajoling from the parents–just here are the options (on their plate) and toddler decides what to eat. It is so hard not to cave on an issue you care about, but I think one or two nights of “off” eating are worth it to establish some boundaries around eating. My daughter has refused dinner exactly once (I realize she may be easy on this issue, but I think most kids would get it after a handful of times). She didn’t want to eat what was served and wanted to play, so she said “all done.” I reminded her that we were at dinner, and there was no more food after this. She repeated “all done.” We took the food away and let her get up. (She eats at the table at mealtimes and doesn’t get up to leave until she is all done. That has always been a firm rule for us, pretty much since the day she could sign “all done” herself.) Before bed that night, she was crying and asking for food. I felt like the meanest mom ever, but I said “No. We had dinner at 6pm, at the table, and [she] didn’t want to eat it then. That was [her] choice, but dinner was over. The next meal is breakfast and [she] can eat then.” (I use her name because pronouns are still tough.) A tantrum ensued. And she was up at 4:30am the next day, hungry and ready for a big breakfast, but I think she got the lesson. The one rough evening and morning were worth it to teach a boundary. I recognize it may take more than once for some toddlers, but food is luckily one of those things that has an easy natural consequence, and toddlers respond to consequence. Don’t eat under the house rules rules? The natural consequence is to be hungry. A healthy toddler will not suffer if they go hungry between one meal and another.
My other tips:
*I believe that toddler will, over the course of 3 to 5 days, eat a very healthy and well-balanced diet if they are given healthy options and a predictable meal schedule. (I first read this in Tovah Klein’s book, which is a great book for toddlerhood.) It seems true. Each meal itself might be ghastly unbalanced (like, gobs of blueberries, one tiny bite of cheese, and the meat and vegetables ignored), but if you give healthy options and chart the toddler’s eating over the course of a few days, you will see most toddlers getting a good balance of protein, fats, starch, veggies, fruits, etc over time. Some food waste is involved in this method (one or more courses may not be touched by toddler), but I view that as a small cost to pay for healthy eating habits, and often am able to incorporate the uneaten course into my own meals or for toddler’s next snack.
*It is a tremendously important skill to learn to stop eating when you are full. And some days, for the toddler, that might mean that they are “full” at a meal after two bites for any number of reasons. Maybe they had a huge lunch or snack a few hours before. Maybe they weren’t as active that day, aren’t in a growth spurt, and just aren’t that hungry. Whatever. It is important to teach them to listen to their body and to eat when they are hungry and at no other time. (There are some toddlers with medical or behavioral issues where you can’t just let them not eat for 3 days, but the overwhelming majority of healthy children will not starve themselves.) When toddlers have a predictable meal schedule and are given healthy options, their bodies will work it out to eat what they need, when they need it. Of course I notice when my daughter doesn’t hardly eat at a mel, but I don’t worry about it if there are no other things that seem “off” that day and if the phase doesn’t last more than a day.
*Give vegetables as the first option when you know your child is hungry. I’m not super militant about it, but most of the time I am plopping down some vegetables in front of my daughter with no pressure to eat them while I get the rest of my daughter’s food ready for dinner. It doesn’t always work, but I think that having the veggies right there in front of her while she waits for the rest of her food usually results in her taking a few bites of the veggies before she has anything else.
*I always try to serve at least one thing my daughter will like with every meal. If she doesn’t touch anything on her plate, including her macaroni and cheese, then I know she isn’t truly hungry. See above as to how I simply don’t worry about her not eating at one meal. Its not worth it unless there are other signs that something is wrong. (On this front, it helps if your daycare provides you information on meals. If you know the toddler ate a big lunch or snack, you are less likely to be concerned about a small dinner.)
Good luck. There are lots of ways to go about healthy eating, but I thought you might find some of this information helpful.
HSAL says
I really appreciate all the comments on this post, and I think I need to bookmark it for later. Baby HSAL is 9 months but we had some struggles with her weight – she was still gaining but dropped percentiles quite a bit from 2 weeks-3 months. We started fortifying her daycare bottles (and one at night, then nursing 2-4 times at home) with formula and that helped stabilize her around 15% for a few months. But I still felt like I was “making” her eat and finish her bottles because I was constantly stressed about getting weight on her. When we switched to all formula and she started doing well with solids, she jumped up to around the 25% percentile in 3 weeks. She’s been pretty stable there the last 6 weeks and I finally feel comfortable dropping her weekly weigh-in (borrowed a scale from a friend) and I’m trying to be better about not making her finish bottles. She’ll definitely aggressively refuse when she’s totally uninterested, but I’m still trying to figure out when she wants to finish but just wanted a break for a minute vs. actually being done but willing to put up with finishing.
FTMinFL says
Was/is your pediatrician concerned about her dropping percentiles? I ask because my son will be 9 months next week and swan-dived off of his growth curve after 1 month from 52% to 8% at four months. I thought for sure we had him up in double digits at six months, but he actually dropped to 4%. The pediatrician didn’t seem concerned at all. Beyond recommending that we start solid foods as soon as he was ready, she said she was happy with his physical development (crawled right at 5 months, other milestones similarly on the early side) and did not think we needed to intervene. I wonder if she is just has a hands-off style or if there were other indicators that would make your ped concerned.
HSAL says
She wasn’t especially concerned until the 3 month point – we did a test run of a week where I exclusively pumped and she got fortified bottles every three hours. The goal was to rule out any metabolic issues when we were pumping her with extra calories. In the first 3 days she gained 8 ounces, which was more than she’d gained the prior three weeks, but then she stalled out and gained just 2 ounces in the next four days. The doctor theorized that she was just playing a little catch-up, but that her body had a set point that it wanted to be at. She was a really active baby and I think she just needed more calories than she was interested in taking in – she was seldom a super-eager nurser and like I mentioned, she often had to be prodded with bottles. Her development was totally on track or ahead and her diapers were more than fine, so I do think she was getting “enough” her body just needed more. I was definitely more of a stresser than the doctor.
Anonymous says
I’ve only skimmed through the replies so far, but for my 2 cents… is he snacking? My kids will sometimes have a cheese stick or something right when they get home from daycare, and it totally ruins their dinner an hour later. If they don’t eat a snack, they’ll eat heartily (if they like the food), but even something little fills them up enough that they’ll barely touch their “real food.” Also, if your kid on the small side for height, too? 15th percentile for weight isn’t as big of a deal if kiddo just has a petite build overall. I wouldn’t worry about size unless your pediatrician has indicated it’s a concern.
Our food rules are:
We only eat at the table
You don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to, but you don’t get dessert if you haven’t eaten at least two bites of each thing on your plate
You’re not allowed to say “I don’t like it” if you haven’t tried it yet
We almost always feed the kids the same thing we’ve cooked for ourselves, but if it’s spicy or otherwise really not toddler-friendly, they can have yogurt after they’ve tried a couple bites (we tell them this up-front so it doesn’t look like we’re caving in). Some days they eat a lot, some days they only have a few bites, and we just kind of figure that if they’ve eaten breakfast, a couple snacks and lunch, they’re not starving. Dinner’s over when my husband and I are done eating. Kiddos can ask to be excused and go play with their toys in their room before that if they’re finished sooner, but once they leave the table, they cannot come back and they don’t get any more food that night. Dinner is kind of my Thing that I refuse to let small children hijack, and I’ve found that being very clear and consistent with our expectations keeps it pleasant 90% of the time.
OP says
Thank you so much for all of the helpful comments! I’m going to read the Ellyn Satter book right away. Reading these comments, I think I’m coming at this entirely the wrong way (too much pressure/stress around eating). You have all given me a lot to think about.
CPA Lady says
Something that made me cry from relief is that in the book, Satter says its okay to make mistakes. You do what you think is best, but when you find out it’s not working, you do it a different way and it’s fine! You haven’t broken your child. It was such a relief.
Anon says
Yes – this!
Also, Satter’s method eliminated the negotiation at dinner to eat more bites of something, which I hate, and makes eating so much more pleasant. My close friends who have children do the “eat 4 bites of this” thing/mandate how much their kids have to eat, and I know they think I’m nuts/my kids are terrible eaters (they have some big holes in their eating, I’ll totally admit).
But my older kid in particular is so so stubborn, and Satter’s method made our meals are actually really pleasant (most of the time). I remember someone commented on a Satter blog that it might not make your kids super adventurous eaters, but it will let them love eating. I think the adventure part comes later. If I’m being honest, I know my kid doesn’t eat as well as some of my other friends’ kids, but I also love eating with my kids (again, most of the time). Dinner is really fun, which is saying a lot for eating with two toddlers – we have a thankful prayer, we clink glasses, and chat about our days, and no one polices what anyone else eats (other than the try one bite rule).
I (hoping and praying here) believe that a positive association with eating meals will be better long term for them, rather than the nutrients they’ll get from 4 more carrot bites, or whatever. I know I”m defensive about it, but we just had dinner with friends who can be really sanctimonious about their excellent eaters – and they spent the meal trying to coax my kid to eat something he didn’t want to. He was unhappy, and it made everyone unhappy. I stopped it, but their attitude is that it is necessary to get kids to be good eaters. Which – great if it works for you, but don’t force my kid!
Betty says
I haven’t read all of the comments above, partially because this is a super sensitive topic for me: My 5.5 year old has always been a tiny kid (5% or under) and this fall dropped percentiles further after a few nasty GI bugs. I have always been concerned about his weight, we have seen a pediatric GI doc, but this winter sent me through the roof and our normally laid back pediatrician became worried. Fast forward six months: we have seen a nutritionist that specializes with “slow to grow” kids for four months. Here is what I have learned:
We have stopped giving him all day access to milk (and same goes for juice, but we are not a juice family). The theory was that he would sip whole milk all day and never be truly hungry.
We make sure that he has set snack times, but we don’t let him graze all day (again, he would never be really hungry).
We make the same dinner for everyone (we also have a 3 year old). We make sure that there is something that each person likes on the plate. We pick a healthy meal, and he picks what he eats. I don’t stress or make a huge deal if he doesn’t eat, but I do try and make sure that what he does eat has as many calories as possible. We put butter on his veggies, we butter his bread for sandwiches, we add powdered milk to the milk that he drinks with meals. I have no problem putting new foods on his plate. We have a rule that he has to try a small piece, and if he doesn’t like it, that is ok.
Also, we give him a snack before bedtime, and he knows that he gets to pick that snack. It is generally peanut butter on a slice of bread. So I know that if he doesn’t eat dinner, he will get calories via his bedtime snack.
If he complains of being desperately hungry between meals, I offer a piece of fruit with peanut butter. If he doesn’t want it, that is fine.
We have also realized that there is a sensory issue. My son hates his hands being dirty. He hates touching things that are sticky, so he will not eat if it means getting his hands messy. We are working on food play to directly address this.
Having a kid who is tiny/slow to grow/a peanut can be really stressful. I feel like I am not meeting his basic needs. Its tough, but I feel like I have great support in his nutritionist and our pediatrician.
Toddler bedtime later and later and la... says
To my dismay, my 14-month-old has started going to bed later and later and later this summer. It started off around 7.30pm, and is now 8.30pm. Wakeup is still 6am. I figured out that he sleeps about 12 hours in a 24-hour period, all told – if he goes to bed later he just takes longer nap/s (it is either one or two, daycare infant room doesn’t have set schedule yet) during the day. If he goes to bed earlier he WAKES UP EARLIER.
I miss being able to settle down on the couch and watch a movie with my husband, or get a bit of extra work done, before we go to bed. Is this normal and do I just suck it up and accept that kid *will* distribute his 12 hours of sleep as he wishes, no more, no less?
NewMomAnon says
Ooo, I have been struggling with this too! Kiddo’s dad figured out this weekend that he can put kiddo in her crib at the designated bedtime with some books, leave the door open, and do whatever he needs to do. I was doubtful at first, but it worked like a charm last night; she called me back once but otherwise I had an extra hour to do whatever I wanted! It was glorious. She didn’t fall asleep until almost 9 pm, but she was in her crib at 8:15-ish (would have been earlier, but we often have potty interruptions at bedtime when she calms down enough to sit still).
anon says
Ask daycare to wake him up after a set amount of time so he isn’t making up the extra sleep during the day. He also may need to drop the morning nap. And there is definitely some kind of sleep regression around that time…lots of developmental stuff going on.
PinkKeyboard says
We limit naps. Max of 3 hours of daytime sleep, period. Daycare knows to limit as well. I will wake her up if necessary.
hoola hoopa says
Limiting naps can definitely help. I’d actually max at 2.5. I’m surprised they aren’t transitioning him to one nap and a schedule in advance to a move to the toddler room. I’d talk to them about that.
One of my kiddos is particularly sensitive to seasonal light changes (even with blackout curtains taped down, etc, the light seems to affect her circadian rhythm). The summer solstice is always a hard time for us, particularly in the <4 years. If that's it's, it will go back to normal. And, he might sleep better this winter :)
Toddler bedtime OP says
They are actually doing that this week – trying to nudge him towards one nap and toddler schedule. He moves mid-August, so it’s a gradual push.
Light entrainment is definitely a possibility – I’m very sensitive to light cues myself! Woke up at 5am this morning because we hadn’t drawn the blackout curtains fully…
NewMomAnon says
At one point, someone asked about toddler parenting books. At the time, I was reading a book called “The Emotional Life of the Toddler” and not loving it. I wanted to update that report; I found the parts of the book about toilet training, divorce and daycare laughable and sexist (book was published in 1993, so some things have changed). The beginning of the book includes some very basic descriptions of attachment theory that are now so mainstream, I didn’t need them rehashed.
BUT – the middle chapters, especially those on the “Active Child” and the “Shy Child,” including the case studies, were life altering for me. I now understand why I was completely unprepared for my kiddo as a baby, what to reasonably expect with regard to self-regulation, and why I get so frustrated sometimes when I spend time with her. I also feel like I understand more about my childhood, in ways that are a little disturbing but also comforting.
In summary, I highly recommend finding a copy of this book. Skip the chapters on toilet training, divorce and daycare (unless you want to be angry). Skim the chapters on attachment theory, if you already have good grounding in that. But the middle chapters are worth the read.
Anon says
Fascinating – can you provide a little more context on how the book helped you with: “now understand why I was completely unprepared for my kiddo as a baby, what to reasonably expect with regard to self-regulation, and why I get so frustrated sometimes when I spend time with her. ”
I’d love to hear more about how the book helped you with those things (even if you’d prefer not to share your own info).
I have so many things I *want* to read, but am very selective b/c kids, work, husband, etc.
NewMomAnon says
Certainly. I spent the first 6-8 months of my kiddo’s life worrying that something was “wrong” with her or that she was a malcontent. She didn’t sleep, didn’t ever want to have her diaper or clothes changed, wouldn’t tolerate a swing or bouncy chair, and would fuss (loudly, angrily, violently) unless she was either nursing or being constantly held and stimulated. The doctor said she was “colicky” and suggested shushing and white noise (which did approximately nothing to help). I worried that she was in pain, or had sleep apnea, or something else bad. Turns out – her behavior completely tracked the description of the “active toddler” in the book. And now I understand what motivated her frustration, and that it was exhausting, and that I did an OK job navigating all of it.
As she’s gotten older and able to move around independently, I’ve been frustrated that she needs to be constantly with me, and constantly entertained by me; I hear other moms talking about their kids reading quietly alone in their cribs in the morning, or quietly watching TV while mom showers. My kiddo has NEVER been content to be alone anywhere and only recently could sit through even 10 minutes of a TV show without my presence. I’ve worried that she has some deep anxiety, or other issue. Nope, turns out she’s an active toddler seeking out stimulation, and she’s just now hitting a stage at which active kids start learning self-regulation. So, nothing wrong with her, nothing wrong with me, all in due course.
And there is a description in the book of a family with an active toddler where there is a “mismatch” between a mother’s parenting expectations and her child’s personality that shed a lot of light on my relationship with my mom.
It’s not worth reading if you feel like you understand your kiddo and your kiddo behaves as you expect (as much as you can expect anything from a toddler). Those 3-4 chapters are probably only worth reading if you feel like you have a worrisome disconnect with your child, a deep-seated lingering behavior problem.
Anon says
Wow – I think I need to seek out the “active toddler” advice immediately. I just don’t have that kid who wants to snuggle, or will sit to read or watch tv, climbs everything, falls constantly, and only wants to be held as a means to get somewhere (higher up, to reach something, to grab something etc. etc.). He was actually a great baby, but he was the second baby – so we were always on the move somewhere.
That’s really helpful, as I’m already a little worried about ADHD.
NewMomAnon says
Yes! I’ve been worried about ADHD since kiddo was about 3 days old. There are probably newer resources with this information, but it was the first time anyone had said, “This is a normal childhood personality, here are some coping strategies, you are all going to be OK.”
And after reading it, I was talking to my mom about it and she said, “Oh, you were like that. Remember all these stories about your childhood?” I am raising a child who resembles me in much deeper ways than I ever imagined. It’s kind of amazing and reassuring.
Samantha says
The Baby Whisperer has 5 types of babies, and one of them is the “Spirited” baby. Both of mine were spirited, and reading that helped me understand and manage them better. (And also helped me understand why “reading alone in their crib” would never, ever work for my kids – until they turned about 5, and even then my kid likes to sit next to me and we both read our own books).
Ally McBeal says
Does anyone have a good recommendation for parenting a six year old? My daughter is now almost in first grade and I feel like there were tons of great recommendations for younger kids, but I need some resources for parenting elementary-aged children. I’m familiar with “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen . . .” and “From Parent to Child,” but am looking something that’s focused on child development, etc. Any recommendations?
anon says
If you don’t get any answers, repost tomorrow. I’d also like to see them as I have a similarly aged child.
anon says
Ahaparenting dot com might be helpful.