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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 121 Comments · by

Beauty and Makeup Monday: Lip Lock Pencil

Makeup and Beauty for Busy Moms· Recent Recs |

This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

E.LF Studio Lip Lock PencilI used to be able to put on red lipstick without even looking in the mirror and it was fine, and now if I put on even just nude lipstick without paying close attention to lip liner and everything else, it ends up all over my face. For those of you who seem to be suffering from the same problem, I’ve tried a lot of these invisible liners that help your lipstick stay on your lips, and my favorite is this one from e.l.f. that you can get from Amazon. I prefer this to Sephora‘s and Milani’s versions, as well as MAC’s Prep & Prime (which isn’t really good for lining purposes but definitely does extend the life of my lipstick). Oh, and of course the e.l.f. lip lock pencil costs less ($3) at elfcosmetics.com, but do note that you need to buy $25 worth of stuff to get free shipping. I ordered a bunch of stuff a while ago and wasn’t too impressed with any of it (it wasn’t bad, just nothing was quite right) — those of you who’ve tried e.l.f.’s affordable cosmetics, what are your go-tos? e.l.f. Lip Lock Pencil Psst: There are so many great sales going on! Of course the 2017 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale is still going on (and it’s now open to the public — no rewards cards required!); Tahari is having a warehouse sale with prices starting at $15, and Ann Taylor’s semi-annual sale is on with some seriously crazy deals. Have you found any great deals, readers? This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Anonanonanon says

    I used to see elf cosmetics at target years ago and I haven’t in a while, is it no longer available there or am I just missing it?

    • Anonymous says

      At my Target it’s still there. Try online if your store doesn’t carry?

  2. Paging NOVA moms! says

    Does anyone have a nanny who is not a live-in au pair? If so, do you mind sharing what you pay?

    I’d be looking for someone to start when an infant is 5 months old, and to also be there when my 2nd grader gets off the school bus until one of us is home (usually before 5)

    • Paging NOVA moms! says

      PS is there some sort of community message board in NOVA where these things are discussed that you’d recommend I tap in to? Thanks all!

      • Anonymous says

        In a very close-in suburb in NOVA. We have a nanny who is not live in and usually works about 50 hours a week. We underpay according to what I have read on DCUM for nannies, although I’m skeptical about the accuracy of that site (do not doubt we are paying below market, I do doubt DCUM’s numbers, to clarify). We would love to pay her more but can’t really afford it right now, although we hope to give her a good raise next year ($3/hour) when she’ll be caring for two and DH will get a big raise. Right now, she watches our young toddler for $12.50 an hour ($20 overtime), on the books. She gets several sick days a year as well as 3 weeks of paid vacation.

        • Anonymous says

          ETA per below: Gross pay. She covers her part of the withholdings, although I don’t doubt she gets much of it back at tax season because her annual income is low.

    • Anon for this says

      We have a nanny for 50 hours a week, and we started her at $18 per hour, which was on the low end of what others we interviewed were asking for. This was for a nanny share with two boys who were 4 months old at the time. We wrote an automatic raise into her contract to $20 per hour after 6 months if things were working out (they were). We raised her to $21 per hour just recently, and the other family left our nanny share shortly after (both boys were 2.5 at that point). Note that she works 50 hours per week, so she gets time and a half for the overtime, and we pay her on the books so we also have to pay taxes on top of that. She’ll soon be watching our son and a new baby, who will have a three year age gap, and our son will be in school three days a week, part time.

      Note that others we interviewed (this was 2.5 years ago) were quoting us between $22 and $25 per hour, though keep in mind they may have been quoting higher b/c of the fact it was a share with two same-age kids.

      Not aware of any message boards where you could ask this information, but when it comes time to look for the nanny, your best resource are neighborhood list serves. We posted ours on several (North Arlington, South Arlington, and Del Ray), and we ultimately got ours from a family who was moving and recommended our nanny to us.

      • Anon for this says

        To clarify, $21 per hour is her gross pay. We withhold her taxes. We also give her all federal holidays and two weeks paid vacation (which she rarely uses).

    • Anonymous says

      This is interesting data. Could everyone clarify whether the rate they are paying is gross or net (i.e., after taxes are deducted)? Thanks!

    • POSITA says

      MONA (N. Arlington mom’s group) did a nanny survey in the past couple of years and I recall most single-family nannies seemed to make $15-20/hr, with rates jumping above $20 for additional responsibilities, nannyshares or 3+ kids.

      We had a nannyshare in DC two years ago and we paid $22/hr legally (so we paid taxes on top of that rate), with 10 hours of guaranteed overtime (at time and a half), 2 weeks of vacation, federal holidays, workers comp insurance, and 100% paid health insurance. She constantly told us that we were underpaying her compared to her peers, though I doubt that was true.

      • SC says

        I’m not in NOVA, but FWIW, I highly doubt that was true. Her peers may have been making slightly more than $22 for a nannyshare (or were under the table so their take-home was higher), but I doubt they made that + taxes, paid vacation, holidays, and health insurance.

  3. Anonymouse says

    Suggestions for the best nail polish brand (and/or specific shade for the super pale) for doing at home manicures? I know a lot of it is practice and technique, but wonder if my product is also hampering my efforts.

    • AIMS says

      I really like Essie Pink Glove Service. It’s almost transparent and just gives your nails a very rosy hue so maybe not what you have in mind, but it’s basically full-proof. I do one coat most of the time and a clear top coat and my nails just end up looking neat and healthy.

    • Anonymous says

      I only buy Essie now. Do a base coat and wait 6 minutes in between coats. Then do a top coat when dry. Try ballet slippers. They have a lot of really pale nude/light pink shades.

    • Anon says

      I swear by OPI. Chip skip, start to finish base coat, two layers of color, start to finish top coat, drip dry drops to set. Sometimes I add another top coat a day or two later to help it last longer. To be fair, I rarely do my fingers, but my toes are always painted. Also super pale, and for hands I like Bubble Bath, Passion, or to go slightly darker (and what I used for my wedding) Royal Flush Blush.

      • Anon says

        Chip Skip has been awesome no matter what brand of color I wear. I type all day long, and they still last from Sun night to Thurs night. I usually have to do a touch up for Friday (or just take it off and go bare).

        Right now I’m into Essie colors, but I’m tempted to try the Vinylux to see if that would last all week.

    • Anon CPA says

      Yes! I’m a pro at the home mani, and mine usually last six days before chipping. I try to do them on Sunday nights, although I’ve got bare nails today.

      CND Stickey Base Coat
      Two coats of color, I prefer the consistency of Zoya, plus it’s five free or whatever
      Seche Vite Dry Fast Top Coat

      Use Stickey, then immediately do your first coat of color. Let that set 5-10 minutes, then do the second coat. I let that one set for another 5-10, and then top with Seche Vite. It’s basically dry immediately!

    • bluefield says

      Get the Seche Vite topcoat. It dries super fast (5-10 mins later you can was your hair or go to sleep with no marks on your nails), it makes your polish very shiny, and it is very chip-resistant. If you’re not using Seche Vite topcoat you’re doing it wrong.

    • Anon says

      I love Essie’s Gel Setter for a topcoat. It gives a nice, glossy, even finish that corrects my crappy applications, and dries pretty quickly compared to other top coats. Seche Vite is really nice when you’re in a hurry, but doesn’t give as nice of a finish or last as long IMO.

  4. AIMS says

    Bday gift ideas for 2 year olds? I usually do duplos, books, or art supplies. Am I just overthinking this? Specific suggestions that have been successful for your kids/kids’ friends?

  5. Cb says

    It’s my due date and I’m officially a bit bored. Appreciated the two weeks post PhD break but now ready for baby to get here. Meeting some friends for lunch on Tuesday and Wednesday (baby permitting) and seeing the midwife on Thursday. At my 38 week appointment, the midwife seemed pretty confident she’d be seeing me again.

    • Anonymous says

      Sleep as much as possible plus get all the laundry and meal prep done. Nesting stuff seems to help bring on labor. Go to movies – even if by yourself.

      • Anonanonanon says

        yesssss the laundry. Wash baby clothes now, get them put away, double/triple check your bag you have packed for the hospital, have your partner do the same if applicable. Nap, nap, nap.

        • Cb says

          Baby prep is done but I might start weeding the garden which doubles as entertainment for the neighbours (they think I’m hilarious out there with my big old bump and shovel).

          • Walnut says

            Lots of activity will help things move along. A 2+ hour walk one night, actual garden gardening, and thoroughly cleaning out our garage helped move things along for me a couple weeks ago.

    • Anonanonanon says

      You never know! When I had my first, I had an appointment the day before my due date. Got there, was 0 centimeters. We scheduled an induction for the next week just in case (it looked like i’d need it) and I went home and made plans to fill up the week. Woke up the next morning in labor, and my baby came that day!! I should have known when I randomly stayed up mopping until 2 am that night…

    • Anonymous says

      If you want to try some “going into labor” tricks, I took a 4 mile walk the day before my due date and I had my baby on my due date. Of course then my feet were sore when I was laboring on my feet all day! I also ate pineapple, dates, and drank 2 cups of red rasberry leaf tea. Also – yes I wouldn’t trust providers who predict whether you’re going into labor or not. You can have shown no progress and go into labor that day, or you can walk around at 3cm for 4 weeks.

      • Cb says

        I’ve been walking 4-5 miles a day but was sidelined over the weekend by a slightly over ambitious half lotus pose in prenatal yoga. It’s feeling better today so I’m getting back out there.

    • AIMS says

      +1 to the movies. And long lunches with friends. I never found the advice to “sleep” that helpful because I was too uncomfortable to sleep for more than a few hours but I would love to just spend the day in a movie theater.

    • toys says

      i was overdue by 2 weeks both times. First came the morning of my scheduled induction, second one was actually induced at 14 days. Here’s the only way I got through it: IN TWO WEEKS YOU WILL HAVE A BABY! It might be tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, but by god in 2 weeks the baby will be here!

      I also highly recommend a pedicure every 4-5 days.

  6. Shoe questions! says

    Two questions on shoes this morning:

    Preschooler: What are fun/cute/go-to sneakers to get for a 3/4 year old girl? she’s been wearing Plae sneakers for the past 2 years and before I buy another pair, I thought I’d see if there are any other brands we should check out. I tend to go for the more stylish (? not sure that’s the right word) over athletic look for sneakers, if that helps– things that look OK with skirt + tights. I thought about Toms but wasn’t totally sold on them…

    Baby: I have a 1 year old with size 4 feet and they are the MOST NARROW BABY FEET I HAVE EVER SEEN. They are like narrow kid feet. I have had her in velcro water shoes and these orthopedic looking white sandals until now because all footwear options in sizes under 4 are made for chubby little baby feet and fall off my kid even on their tightest setting. She’s full on walking (running, if I’m being honest) at this point so I need a real shoe. She’s the opposite of my older one, who was in a wide shoe until she was 2.

      • Shoe questions! says

        She had pretty much those exact sneakers when she was 2! Ideally I’d like something slightly less athletic bu we do love those.

    • AIMS says

      For question 1, I just got my daughter a pair of sparkly gold Pumas at Nordstrom that she really loves.

      • Lyssa says

        We just got my 2 year old some of those in pink sparkles. So cute. I’m jealous and really want a pair for myself!

    • Anonymous says

      For preschoolers I like Keens – they have some cute patterns and mary jane style sneakers – search ‘encanto finley’ or ‘moxie mary jane’

      • Shoe questions! says

        We tried Keen sneakers last year and they just didn’t fit right, sadly. They were too tight across the tops of her feet and too wide.

    • shortperson says

      nordstroms carries athletic shoes on the stylish side. we usually go w nikes in fun colors. in general they have a well edited shoe dpt, much less overwhelming than zappos.

    • avocado says

      For skinny baby feet, we had luck with Saucony running shoes. They were not stylish, but they actually fit.

    • Jeffiner says

      Most people around here do StrideRite for kids shoes. We do the athletic sneaker shoes for my daughter, but they have non-athletic styles, too.

      • Shoe questions! says

        For the younger one, stride rite only had 2 shoes that fit (sort of) her ultra narrow feet- and we bought them. Those are getting too small–and too summery–now so looking for other options especially since she’s a 4 now which is the entry level toddler size.

        Older kid doesn’t like the styles of sneakers at stride rite, except the light-up ones which I vetoed.

    • LaLa says

      Have you looked at Old Soles? I’m not sure what the girl options look like, but my 3yo has the cutest pair of shoes from them and they are nice looking (I bought them as his Easter shoes) but comfortable. They have held up really well to his daily wear.

      I bought my 1yo a pair of their mocassins. They seem like they wouldn’t be practical, but they have been the best shoe ever for the newly walking age.

    • Anonymous says

      My 20 month old has narrow feet. She has a pair of See Kai Run sneakers. Make sure you try them on with socks — she was a five in SKR with socks, but is a four still with sandals.

  7. TCOYF Help! says

    Upon the recommendations of several people here, I purchased Take Charge of Your Fertility. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. For those who read the book and successfully conceived, which pieces of the book did you find most helpful? Any other tips you found that worked for you? I know that everyone’s bodies are different but I’m just looking for general tips/advice.

    We have been TTC #2 for a few months (I’m 37, so I already have a doctor’s appointment), I’ve been tracking my period via a few apps, and I used an ovulation prediction kit last month (it told me essentially that I hadn’t ovulated, but I’m skeptical).

    • AIMS says

      I found it overwhelming too. The most helpful advice I got was from my doctor – she basically figured out when I was ovulating based on my cycles (she also did a test to make sure I was ovulating) and then told me the best time to do it was every other day on the two days closest to ovulation before actual ovulation (since sp*rm lives up to 72 hrs and an egg is around for 24 hrs or less). Whether by coincidence or not, it did the trick very quickly.

      I’m now pregnant with no. 2 and that was very much unexpected. Given how long no. 1 took, we thought there was no way it would happen by accident and yet there you go, so I think to some degree there is an element of chance to all of this. I know it’s not helpful to hear, but a few months isn’t that long – go see your doctor but try to not stress out too much at this point.

    • Anonanonanon says

      The mucus part. I was TTC #2 and 7 months in. I was taking OPK tests, but I do have irregular cycles that were varying from 31-48 days. The tests indicated ovulation (I used digital), but if they were right I didn’t start my period until 3 or 4 weeks after ovulation, which wasn’t in line with what I’d always learned about how cycles work. But, it was SCIENCE! It was a TEST! My concrete brain thought that made the most sense. Of course, the test insert said they weren’t accurate with long cycles, but I still wanted to use them.

      in month 7, my friend sent me the mucus chapters of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The pictures icked me out, but I felt like I finally understood the different mucus types. I decided to ignore everything else (the tests were stressing me out) and focus just on that. The time I had EWCM did not make sense to me (11 days after my last period, which remember, I have LONG cycles), but I followed it anyway and we tried that day, 2 days later, and 2 days after that. Turns out, I conceived then! Of course, like any success story, it could be a coincidence.

      • CPA Lady says

        ^ same. I thought I would go insane with temping and charting, so I just tracked the mucus situation. Got pregnant quickly. I was 30, though, always had pretty regular cycles, so of course YMMV.

      • FTMinFL says

        +1. I attribute the quick (1st cycle) conception of my second in spite of still-wonky-one-year-postpartum cycles to paying attention to CM. I ovulated more than a week later than I would have guessed.

    • Midwest Mama says

      I agree that the book was overwhelming with possible scenarios. I think the most important thing you can do is temp every morning to ensure you’re actually ovulating and have consistent cycles. I used OPKs but had to try a couple brands to find one that actually gave me a positive. The cheap Wondfo from Amazon didn’t work for me, for example. After a few months you should begin to see a pattern and a generally consistent ovulation date. Then you can better time intercourse accordingly. Don’t discount male factors if it takes awhile though. We got pregnant with #1 our first month trying and then a few years later began trying for #2. After way too many months, we finally had some testing done and found DH’s count had dropped significantly and all the temping/timing/tracking in the world wouldn’t have resulted in pregnancy on our own.

    • CHJ says

      I found the overall explanation of your monthly cycle to be really informative. The information could probably fit in a 1-2 page PDF, but I can’t believe I made it to age 30+ without knowing any of it!

      That said, temping and tracking never really worked for me. My temperature was all over the place and I never got those nice charts like they show in the book. I ended up buying a ClearBlue fertility monitor (not an ovulation predictor kit – the more expensive fertility monitor that also tracks estrogen) and had that do all the work for me. I got pregnant with DS #1 within a month or two of using the fertility monitor.

    • Anonymous says

      I found the ovulation tracking and testing super stressful which I’m convinced played into not getting pregnant for the three months I tried it.

      On my first, we tried once every second day (not every day) and I stayed in bed with a pillow under my bottom to elevate my hips for 20 mins. We got pregnant on my first cycle even though we started WAY later than I ‘should’ have been ovulating.

      On my second, I was older and convinced I needed to do ovulation tests etc. Tried that for three months without success (I was 35). Next month we went back to the every second day and elevating hips method – I got pregnant with twins that month! I suspect I ovulate twice a cycle and that was throwing off the ovulation tests – that or my stress levels around the testing wasn’t helpful.

    • Lillers says

      I would suggest downloading the Fertility Friend app and using the methods described in TCOYF (temping and CM). The CM will dictate when to garden, but the temping is helpful from a historical perspective. You can see if you have regular cycles, how long they are, if/when you are ovulating, etc. I don’t use any ovulation tests, but garden with my husband daily during fertile CM and then once temps confirm ovulation, we will go back to regular/random gardening. The FF app will take your historical data and give you estimated ovulation dates, which helps for planning purposes.

      I’ve been charting for 3 years using TCOYF methods to avoid pregnancy, and we got pregnant the first month of trying (which is not the norm). Sadly we had an early miscarriage, but I am confident that we are timing things correctly.

    • Spirograph says

      This is how I know I’m a nerd — I loved the overwhelmingness of it, and charts make me happy. I did temping + full chart w/notes because, as I was coming off of hormonal birth control, what was most interesting to me was whether I’d actually ovulated, and temping seemed the easiest way to figure that out. It’s probably less accurate if kid #1 is not letting you consistently get a full night’s sleep, though. I didn’t ovulate for months and months, but once I finally started, I got pregnant the 2nd month.

      • Anon says

        +1. Temping helped me realize I had really long cycles. The first cycle of trying for #1, I ovulated on day 40 (!) and got pregnant. We were still doing the every-other-day gardening approach since I was confident I hadn’t yet ovulated. Plus, for the cycle we weren’t trying, I liked seeing the temperature dip at the end to know I would get my period that day (and be prepared).

        The book is *long* but it is a super quick read, and a lot of it is repetitive to help it sink it.

    • Chi Squared says

      The ovulation predictor kits never worked for my. As far as the book goes, for me, observing the temperature shift was helpful to confirm that I was actually ovulating (I had really long cycles 37-41 days), and also developing an understanding of cervical mucus. #1 was conceived based on my guess on when I’d be ovulating based on my cycle length; #2 was conceived in a month I wasn’t taking daily temperatures, but I knew from cervical mucus that I was getting ready to ovulate.

  8. Potty training woes says

    I tried posting this earlier, so hopefully it doesn’t show up twice.

    My not-quite 3-year-old starts preschool in mid-August. She’s starting at a new daycare/preschool, and the pressure to have her potty trained is amping up. So we tried the boot camp method this weekend (for us as much as her). I would say that it helped, but it was not a magical solution. We gave her lots of fluids and took her to the potty every 30-60 minutes. She happily sits there and really likes me to read the “Big Girls Go Potty” book, but she pottied in the stool exactly once the entire weekend. There were lots of accidents and we used diapers at nap time. Overall, we tried to be really positive and upbeat about the whole thing and gave her stickers for sitting on the potty.

    So, the successful parts: Getting into the habit of going potty. She’s finally OK with being there and isn’t fighting it so much. She can get herself onto the potty and her little buns are finally in the right spot (i.e., not on the edge where she’ll dribble all over).
    The not-so-successful: That’s pretty obvious. She isn’t close to potty trained and this boot camp method is going to take a lot longer than three days.

    I sent her to school today in underwear and felt a little guilty about it because her teachers WILL have messes to clean up. But putting her back in pull-ups seemed like wasting the progress we made this weekend. If it weren’t for the preschool thing, I would be FINE waiting a little while longer. My oldest didn’t potty train until after 3, but he caught on almost immediately once he was truly ready.

    I feel like I’m walking a fine line between preparing her and pressuring her, and I really hate that.

  9. CHJ says

    What baby monitors do you all have? I’m due with DS #2 in a few weeks. We already have a Motorola MBP36 so I was just going to get a second camera for that, but now that I’m looking into it, an additional camera costs as much as a whole new monitor and our Motorola is 4 years old now and starting to fail anyway. Any recommendations?

    • Rainbow Hair says

      We have the “Infant Optics DXR-8 Video Baby Monitor with Interchangeable Optical Lens.” Honestly there was a bit of hassle getting it up and running (a defective camera) but the customer service was great and it has all the functions I need (can hear and see the baby, can move the camera around, can zoom) and it has been going strong for more than two years.

    • Cornellian says

      I got a LeFun monitor on amazon for about $50 bucks. It’s just the camera unit (which pans, picks up sound, has night vision, and a microphone feature), but you can sync to your phone or tablet (or both) and monitor that way. I really like it, so far.

    • SC says

      Not what you asked, but we don’t have a baby monitor. We have a pretty small house (1000 square feet, all on one floor), and we can hear if DS calls out for us. On the rare occasion we’ve needed a baby monitor, usually as guests in someone else’s larger house, we have used an app on our phones. I definitely would buy one if we couldn’t hear DS crying from our living room, kitchen, or bedroom. But I love not having one and not hearing every single sound he makes or obsessing about whether he’s actually asleep or just in his crib hanging out.

    • Anonymous says

      After some of the scary posts online about video baby monitors being hacked we went with an old fashioned sound only one. I realize they can be listened to, or hacked. But I doubt some creep would try to terrify my child if they can’t see the reaction.

      • Spirograph says

        This. I am anti- wifi enabled video things in my house because I have 0% confidence in them being secured well enough for my liking. We have a one-way sound only baby monitor. If some weirdo wants to listen to my baby scream, have at it. Our family/TV room is in the basement, and we probably couldn’t hear <6 month baby cries from there, so that's really the only place we use it. Like SC says above, our house is pretty small and we can hear crying from just about anywhere now that kiddo's lungs are bigger.

  10. ThatGirl says

    What is/was in your post-delivery bedside (or chair-side) kit? Ie what are the things you need immediately at hand after baby arrives? I’d like to make one for a friend, but I’m not sure where to start.

    • CHJ says

      Among other things, a water bottle (such as Contigo) that you can use with one hand without spilling. Also food you can eat with one hand, such as oatmeal cookies.

    • AIMS says

      I think everyone’s needs are different, but for me it was water, granola bars, n*pple balm (I liked the Earth Mama Angel Baby one) and spit up cloths.

      • NewMomAnon says

        This was my go-to as well! I had a waist pack meant for skiing that could carry a water bottle and a few small things, and this is what I included. For a while I also included nursing pads because I leaked so much.

        One other thing that would have made my life better: a universal remote control that I could have kept on me at all times. I swear, babies have some instinct that makes them fall asleep on your arm when the remote is just out of reach and you’re alone in the house.

    • Anonymous says

      Snacks (including savory ones!), water, a good travel coffee mug (I kept making tea and by the time I’d go to drink it, it would be cold), lanolin (for n*pples), all the pocket kleenex packs, an ereader (or gift card for the one she has), advil, a good sleep mask, a bunch of baby washcloths (kiddo never spit up a lot or all at once, but just a little dribble here and there often.) a cardigan with pockets or a robe with pockets.

  11. Anonymous says

    I have a praise-hound of a 5 yr old. Piggybacking on the conversations from last week, I realized over the weekend that my 5 year old’s love language is words of affirmation. He loves to be “right,” and gets upset if he is corrected about something. He also absolutely glows under praise for a job well done, and really hates to be in trouble. I’m trying to move away from this, especially as I keep reading about how much better it is to have a growth mindset, and meaningless praise is harmful on a lot of levels.

    My husband and I have tried to move from letting “great job!” roll off our tongues all the time (whoops), and moving towards enthusiastic gratefulness. So, instead of “great job setting the table!” – we say “thank you so much for your help!” Any other thoughts? I think we created this beast by a lot of mindless “great jobs,” and also saying “you’re right!” a lot when he was a little younger. I could tell over the weekend when we dialed back the some of the praise, he was extra sensitive and a little upset. He *likes* to be right and he likes to do the right thing, but I think we need to bring him back to center a bit.

    • Anonymous says

      Focus on praising effort not outcome and continuing with the thanking for completion of things where praise isn’t necessary. Thankfulness can also fulfill the words of affirmation need.

      • mascot says

        This is good advice. Thanking them for the task and re-affirming that being part of a household means setting the table still makes him feel good about himself.
        I think some praise and gold-starring is still appropriate. My kid’s kindergarten class gave out star stickers for being a classroom good citizen, like when the kids went above and beyond to be kind or helpful. Obviously, they modeled that you should be kind to people and clean up after yourself, but this gave a little extra boost to kids.

        • Anonymous says

          Thanks – that actually makes me feel a little better. We have really tried to praise kindness in our house, especially between him and his sister. We want our kids to have a lifelong good sibling relationship, so we are trying to drive it home now. We try to call out whenever we see him being kind to his 3 yr old sister or her being kind to him, and affirm (all. the. time). how much we love that they are so kind to each other and help each other. I’d prefer not to stop that as they do seem to have quite the bond (hopefully it lasts), and it also seems to work (and I’ll add easily my most favorite moment of the weekend — he got her dressed when she was frustrated she couldn’t get her shirt on).

          Parenting fail — I know I do need to work with him on not getting upset when he’s not “right” about something though. He had what I will call a “party trick” skill that showed up early on that got him tons and tons of effusive praise (like that kid who could name all the presidents). Now, I want to dial it back and work with him on the effort for something b/c I think he’s a smart kid who will take shortcuts or get frustrated/quit when he doesn’t get something right.

          • avocado says

            As the parent of another super-smart kid who could do lots of party tricks and never had to work at learning anything, I will warn you that praising effort instead of results may not be enough to build grit and resilience. Seek out opportunities for your kid to work hard at things that don’t come naturally to him.

            This is why we purposely allowed our daughter to pursue a pretty intense track in a sport that she absolutely loves but finds very challenging. After several years in the sport she’s learned to work hard and overcome challenges in training, but is still struggling to translate those lessons to other areas of her life. Whenever I try to encourage her by reminding her about hard-won triumphs in her sport, she fires back with “But that’s [sport]–it’s *supposed* to be hard. Writing an essay [or whatever else she’s fussing about] should be easy.” Hopefully by college she’ll have it figured out.

          • Anonymous says

            Interesting — thank you!! He’s not terribly athletic, so I may seek out a sport this fall for him to try. He likes to teach himself how to do stuff, but needs to learn how to be coached (i.e., hated swimming lessons, but would practice for hours at our pool solo until he could swim). I’m fairly anti-activity – I’m one of those who buys into the kids need free time these days! back in my day we played outside all day! get off my lawn! But I think a season long commitment to something that challenges him would be good for him, especially if my husband or I aren’t the coach.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I like to praise growth – “You have gotten so much better at [task]! I can tell you have been working on it.” Or, “Wow, that is an interesting fact! I can tell you’ve been reading about [thing] a lot.”

        And I like to point out how much more fun a task is when kiddo helps me, or how special her involvement is to me. Like, “Picking up goes so much faster when I share it with you” or “It was really special to share that hike with you. I love having fun with you.” It feels like an affirmation that no matter what or who she is, or whether she is right or wrong or successful or not, her presence is important to me.

    • SC says

      Our two-year-old is also really sensitive to being corrected. For behavior type things, we try to praise and correct actions without characterizing Kiddo. So, for praise, we say, “It’s so helpful when you pick up trash!” or “I enjoy it when you do laundry with me” or “Sharing that toy was a kind thing to do.” Corrections are actually harder for me.

      For activities, this is from How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, but I’ve found it helpful to ask about or describe what Kiddo has done with enthusiasm but without the judgment of it being “correct” or “incorrect.” For example, if Kiddo is drawing, you can say, “Tell me about this picture,” or “That looks like a dog–Is that Fido?” instead of “You’re right, Fido does have brown spots! Great job!”

    • Anonymous says

      I work with a kiddo who can’t stand to be corrected (and whose mom just tried to explain away why he is not achieving a previously stated/understood goal). He is 8 and all I can see is a life of misery ahead of him. Correcting him basically causes him to shut down and not try. (And literally, I correct kids all the time for my job so it’s not that I don’t know what I’m doing). I’m working on including group corrections when it’s possible (wow! everybody needs to work on X together! Let’s all try doing more Y.), but this kid then tends to say, well I did it right. I’ve tried sharing with him how I’m still learning and working on my job so I can get better and how other grown-ups do the same. I often talk about “next things” with regards to learning (Jane is doing HER next thing. Bob is doing HIS next thing. You worry about your next thing.) and that everyone has a different “next thing.”

      With my own little kid I try praising mistakes — as in “Wow — you knocked that over! Now we can build something new!” and “You are trying so hard! I love when you try!” and “Wow that was so much work.” I try praising concrete things “I see so much blue in your picture!” “I see that you climbed all the steps!” “I see that you put your shoes on!”

      As far as behavior modification, creating a “casino” system of praise (he gets it just enough to stay hooked) may be great for getting your kid to do things, but it shifts him to what’s known as an “external locus of motivation.” To get him to refocus to an “internal locus of motivation”, try asking him what he thinks/how he feels about what he’s done. (How did you feel when you read that book all by yourself? How did you feel when you were kind to that child? etc.)

      • ThatGirl says

        Can you write a book about this, pls? Because I am the grown-up version of that little boy and it’s taken a lot of introspection and therapy to stop finding my worth in other people’s praise.

        • Anonymous says

          Alas, I don’t have the credentials!

          I’m actually very aware of it, having been an overpraised kid myself. Montessori books often have good ideas for handling praise since children are meant to choose their own work, work with minimal oversight and adults are mostly meant to observe them. It does help to refocus.

      • Anonymous says

        I stepped away this afternoon, but came back to see replies. Thanks for all of the suggestions, and SC these ares so helpful– praising mistakes, and working on the internal motivation are so helpful. I desperately do not want my kid to be That Boy (partially b/c as with That Girl above, I also have some of these behavior tendencies), and I’m trying to climb the steep hill now before it’s really harmful (cringing slightly as I recognize some of my son’s behavior in that 8 yr old).

  12. Anonymous says

    Any thoughts on the new CDC pump cleaning guidelines (that pump parts need to be washed with soap and water between every pumping, more here: http://www.parents.com/health/parents-news-now/cdc-issues-breast-pump-cleaning-guidelines/)? I’m not a doctor but it seems alarmist to me, especially if you’re pumping for a healthy infant who’s at least a couple months old, since the baby who got sick was very, very premature (born at 29 weeks) and became sick when she was just a couple weeks old, i.e., well before her expected due date.

    I’m due in a couple of months and planning to pump when I go back to work at 12 weeks. My understanding is that if everything goes well with my supply, etc., I’ll probably be pumping minimum two and maybe three times per day at work at first, plus maybe a few times at home. I don’t see how I can clean pump parts with soap and water and leave them out to air dry between sessions at work, since I’ll pumping in my private office and we don’t have a dedicated lactation room. We have a break room with a sink and microwave, but that seems unsanitary (not to mention awkward) to use for cleaning, since lots of people use it as a kitchen. I was planning to buy two sets of pump parts, but it seems like at least in the beginning I’d need 3+ sets if I’m not able to reuse them without washing.

    Also, my understanding is most pump parts can be put in the dishwasher and so we plan to do that in the evenings, but the CDC seems to emphasize air drying – is it ok to let things dry in the dishwasher or is there some reason they have to be taken out and left to air dry (which seems like it would take up a lot of valuable counter space, especially if we invest in multiple sets of parts)?

    • FTMinFL says

      I’m going to preface this by saying that you should gather evidence and make decisions based on your own research and level of comfort. My son was delivered at full term and had no health issues – I might have acted differently had this not been the case.

      BUT. I ranted to my husband about these new guidelines for thirty minutes this weekend. I pumped at work for my son for more than nine months and there was no way I could have made that happen while following these guidelines. I am fortunate to have a private office where I stored a microfridge under my desk to keep pumped milk and pump parts cool throughout the day. At the end of the day, I packed them up in an insulated bag (no freezer pack – my commute is 20 minutes). The milk promptly went to the fridge once I arrived at home, then I rinsed pump parts and put those suckers in the dishwasher along with the day’s bottles and washed on the sanitize/antibacterial setting. That setting on my dishwasher uses a heat drying method. I’m due with my second in just a few days and I hope and plan to use the exact same methodology. There is enough stress and guilt in that first year without manufacturing more!

      • Anonymous says

        Thank you. That’s basically exactly what I was hoping/planning to do, so I’m glad to hear it worked for you.

    • Anonymous says

      Anecdote:
      I’ve pumped for 3 full-term healthy babies. I never washed my pump parts in between pumping sessions at work — they went back in the cooler with the milk and into the fridge. Not even in a ziplock bag. I almost never microwave sterilized my pump parts. I rarely put pump stuff in the dishwasher, and I boiled things only when I took them out of the original packaging or pulled them out of storage for the next kid. At one point with kid #3, I took a closer look at my pump accessories and noticed that there was black stuff stuck in a little tube that a brush couldn’t reach. I couldn’t tell whether that was a part that milk went through. I was a little grossed out and threw it in the recycling bin, but who knows how long it was like that without me noticing. Probably related: I’ve definitely shaken water off just-washed pump parts so I could use them or pack them to take to work (more times than I can count), so even when they’re air drying, they didn’t necessarily air dry completely.

      All my kids are fine. I absolutely would take precautions with a preemie or an immunocompromised infant, but this blanket recommendation seems like a huge burden with small ROI in risk reduction for most babies. (I am not a doctor, or microbiologist, or public health expert, though.)

    • rakma says

      This does feel like an overreaction to me, but I’m pumping for kid #2 who spends most of her waking hours trying to shove anything that’s not nailed down into her mouth, so a very different situation than the one that seems to have spurred the changes.

      Washing and drying pump parts at work would be impossible for me, so the only way for me to follow these guidelines would be to have 3+ sets of pump parts (maybe I could reuse the flanges if a disinfecting wipe would be enough for that part). Currently, I store the parts in a freezable lunch bag, with the milk as I pump it, and have had no issues, but this may be something you want to have a conversation about with your pediatrician or a lactation consultant. (I don’t even know who I’d ask about this honestly.)

      I don’t think that air drying is necessary after the dishwasher–the heated dry is part of my dishwasher’s ‘sanitize’ function, so I count that as enough. We are actually hand washing pump parts this time around–the dishwasher is too full at the end of the day, and it’s easier to handwash and air dry. We got a bottle rack to help contain all of that.

  13. CPA Lady says

    I just need some back pats. DH has been traveling about 3 weeks per month (home on the weekends) since the beginning of April. We’ve been making it work. He left at 8 am yesterday for another trip, so I solo parented all yesterday. And then kid got sent home from daycare with a fever around lunchtime today. So now I have two more days minimum (provided it’s a short-lived virus or something) solo parenting a sick toddler. No local family. And I don’t feel so great myself.

    UUUGGGHHHH.

    If anyone needs me I’ll be gently weeping under my bed.

    • JayJay says

      You can do it! I’ve had similar stretches in my life, too. It will seem like it will never pass, but you’ll get through with flying colors.

      And even if you don’t get through with flying colors, if everyone is alive and eats all their meals, that’s all you can ask for sometimes.

    • Momata says

      Pat pat pat. Oy VEY. Do you have a babysitter who can pinch hit for you tonight or tomorrow (for fully disclosed hazard pay) to get a break?

    • GCA says

      Ughhhh! Sending hugs and solidarity. It’s ok to let things that aren’t kid + work go for a few days. You’ve got this! Also, put on your own oxygen mask. When I’m solo parenting I feel like I can’t afford to fall sick…

    • anon says

      Maybe he’ll sleep a lot – sometimes mine does crazy naps when he is sick. And there is always Daniel Tiger. You can do this, one hour at a time!

  14. Due in December says

    Does anyone have any words of wisdom on parenting a toddler who is quite shy/reserved?

    I was like this as a kid. My daughter is 18 months old and she takes quite some time to warm up to strangers, new family members, even her grandparents if she hasn’t seen them in the last few days (they live semi-locally and she tends to see them maybe once every two weeks or so, often for extended periods of time). I think she’s shy and she’s also a serious, observer type. She likes to stare and take things in for a while before she is comfortable interacting with new people. Honestly, even when my husband and I come in to get her in the mornings, she sometimes takes a moment or two before she is ready to give us a big grin or hug (she’s obviously happy to see us, but takes a moment to compose herself or something in her crib).

    As she gets older, I want to respect her personality and her feelings by not forcing her to interact, and I don’t want to make her feel like she always has to be smiling/outgoing/gregarious. I want her to feel like it’s ok to take things at her own pace, and that she can always say no to hugs/kisses/etc. if she’s not comfortable.

    At the same time, I want her to learn that she needs to greet people in an age-appropriate manner when she meets them or goes to their homes, etc.

    Thoughts/tips/strategies?

    • avocado says

      At 18 months I don’t think it’s age-appropriate to expect a kid to greet others right away, especially new people. I would avoid labeling her as shy or reserved. Just introduce her to the person and ask if she would like to say hello, and if she hides her face or refuses to interact, don’t make a big deal. If someone comments, just say something neutral like “Oh, I think she is taking her time today.” Not even “She likes to take her time getting to know people,” because she might perceive that as labeling and internalize it.

      If you really want her to feel comfortable giving polite, friendly greetings, you could do lots of role-play at home, perhaps with the help of her dolls and stuffed animals. An 18-month-old shaking hands would be so adorable.

      • Anon says

        Yes, at 18 months it’s okay to not say hello. By the time they’re “fully” verbal, aka can ask for a snack in a sentence, then I expect them to greet people and say hello while looking them in the eye, but they can disappear afterwards if they want. Absolutely no forced touching/ hugging/ kissing, and no labeling about shy or friendly.

        My DS is quiet at first even around grandparents, but I have him say hi before he buries his face in my leg. My DD is very outgoing and loves to talk to people, but I noticed she was getting extra pressure to kiss relatives because “she’s so social!!” It made me cringe, esp when my DS doesn’t get that same pressure. So we have to loudly avoid the DS-is-shy route but also avoid the DD-must-kiss route. It’s so hard to navigate though and I hope I’m sending the right messages about manners vs touching.

    • October says

      I recently read a tip re: encountering new people and situations; rather than encouraging/pressuring a child to do something off the bat, frame it as child will do something “when she’s ready.” So, if other kids want her to play but she is feeling shy, tell the other kids that “X will come play when she’s ready.” (Same goes for trying the water slide, greeting family, etc.) This signals to the kid that you respect her feelings and boundaries, and also that you believe she can do these things, but will let her set the terms of when.

      Also, 18 months is prime stranger anxiety time, so I wouldn’t worry too much right now.

    • Anon in NYC says

      My kid (2 years) is like this. She tends to be really reserved with unfamiliar people and places. Honestly, I just let her cling to me. Sometimes I find that when I’m holding her in my arms, she’s a little more likely to give smiles and whatnot, but I don’t push it. I really don’t think that at this age that she understands rude/age-approriate, etc. Eventually she warms up.

    • Due in December says

      Thanks, both. I like the “I think she is taking her time today” line. Upon further reflection, I think my problem is also a bit that I don’t have a line for people to explain that no, they are not going to be able to hold her right away and she probably isn’t going to crack a smile, either.

      • Anon in NYC says

        I sometimes find that if I’m holding my kid and someone reaches for her an easy, “oh, just give her a few minutes to warm up” is a gentle rebuff.

      • Anonymous says

        We had a lot of success with my son, who was very shy as a kid by letting him handle his own orders at restaurants. It usually involved him getting a treat, so we’d tell him he could get a chocolate milk or a cookie, if he looked the server in t he eyes, ordered, and then said thank you. He got so much positive feedback (servers were usually charmed, and it resulted in a treat) that he got a lot more confident in using his words to ask for what he needed. Of course, we had to translate a bit at first, but I swear it made worlds of difference.

        • mascot says

          +1 to letting kids do their own ordering and transactions when they get old enough. We had to translate for a while because my kid had some speech issues, but now he is comfortable asking for what he wants.

    • EP-er says

      Hahaha. This is so my daughter — very serious until she warms up. We used to say she was giving you the stink eye — she wouldn’t smile and kind of stare up at you through her bangs. At 18 months, I would just hold her and wait for her to warm up in her time. We’re very much a “your body is your own” family & never force hugs or kisses. At 5, she has mostly out grown it. She still gets overwhelmed at day care drop off when it is early & the room is a crazy mix of school agers & preschoolers. In general, she is much better at hellos/good-byes. And we are good at giving her space.

      And I agree about 18 month being right in the middle of separation anxiety time — plus my kids weren’t even talking then!

    • Anonymous says

      My 20 month old has warm days and reserved days. But we see a lot of the same people around the neighborhood and being friendly is somewhat expected of kids. She doesn’t speak a lot, so I’ll usually prompt her to wave, continue my part of the conversation and then prompt her for different activities. She often prefers to give high fives (even to strangers) than to wave. Or she’ll be willing to show off that she can do a fist bump. Or if she even just smiles I will thank her. If she doesn’t do anything I won’t admonish her or apologize for her. And I try to keep prompts calm and relatively neutral (Can you wave hello? [chat some more] Can you smile?) I think she needs to learn that the expectation is that she will greet people, even if it’s unachievable now.

  15. SC says

    Does anyone have any tips to foster a love of books in young kids? My Kiddo (2 years old) has never really loved books all that much and rarely wants to read during the day. We read before bed, but sometimes he doesn’t want to do that, except the choice is between reading and going to bed. TBH, I care because I’m a bookworm and want Kiddo to grow up to enjoy books like I do, which may be a ridiculous and unrealistic expectation. But it’s really not that I want him to learn to read faster or that I’m worried about him being smart or keeping up or being ahead or whatever.

    • Anon says

      We don’t keep toys in the bedroom. They get just a few stuffed animals in their beds. But we do have a (bolted to the wall) large shelf of board books. The kids are allowed to take the books to bed or carry them in the car or to the park or basically anywhere they want. We don’t force sleep, so they can stay up as late as they want, but their only distractions are their imaginations or their books.

      When we go somewhere like a zoo or museum or toystore, we let them pick out a book (instead of a stuffed animal or plastic junk or whatever). So they have a ton of books that they’ve chosen and looked interesting to them.

      We also make a point to read ourselves around the kids. Instead of zoning out on our phones while the kids play in the backyard, we read a book. When we’re having a lazy Saturday, we read while they play with their toys. Etc.

      Hopefully all of this will reinforce that books are a fun thing that we choose to do. It seems to be working, but the kids are 4 and 2 so who knows if it’ll stick.

    • October says

      Read to him while he plays? Even if he doesn’t seem to be paying attention, he’s absorbing it and learning to associate fun times with you reading to him. Also, perhaps try reading to him while he has snacks, or if he eats meals at a different time than the rest of the family? I guess it’s not the best from a “distracted eating” perspective, but my toddler loves when I do this, and we read a ton of books.

      Can you go to the library and get a stack of books on a topic he loves? He may be more willing to read books about trucks or farm animals or whatever he’s interested in. And overall, just keep trying to read/have books around where he can readily see them and look at them himself.

      I also second the idea of reading your own books while around him (and responding to non-essential interruptions with “I’m reading right now, I can do XX in 5 min”). Kids learn to value what their parents do (hopefully ;).

    • rakma says

      Having books in the house, reading together, and modeling reading are all proven ways of encouraging kids to read. 2 is still pretty young, continue to offer to read to him, vary the kinds of books you read to him (my 3yo is really into books that have interactive elements: Don’t Push the Button is the current favorite because you have to shake the book at one point, she almost shakes in anticipation of it)

      See what your local public library has in terms of storytimes, reading programs, and other resources for early literacy.

    • AIMS says

      What kind of books does he like when he does read? Maybe it’s a particular subject or type (pop-up? lift a flap?) I am a big believer in gateway books. I’ve been reading to my daughter since she was a newborn and she loves books, but I really noticed a change in her interest when we got some Sandra Boynton books – I think they were short enough and silly enough that she had an easier time following them.

      Neil Gaiman’s Chu books are also good for 2 year olds. You can act out some very dramatic sneezing that they seem to enjoy. When I was little, my mom got me into reading by reciting silly rhymes and poems. She knows an infinite number and would recite them just while we were playing or walking and then when I started to like that, she would read more kids poems to me which I was much more receptive to, I think.

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