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Dry shampoo is doing heavy duty for me these days. Today I miscalculated my “shampooing schedule” and had a Zoom meeting where even a ponytail couldn’t hide how slick my hair looked. Years and years ago, my hairdresser recommended the Psssst! brand dry shampoo, and I liked it. I also gave into the hype of the Living Proof Dry Shampoo, but unfortunately it wasn’t strong enough for my hair. I would recommend it if your hair is fine, or your hair isn’t that oily, and I do like that it purports to “cleanse” your hair too — but for the money, the Psssst! did the job. It is $6.99 at Ulta. Psssst! Dry Shampoo
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Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Anyone in nyc want to speculate about school next year? Do we think we’re probably starting in September with a good chance of going remote again sometime in The winter? And for more speculation fun how much do you think the value of my apartment is going to drop in the next year? 20%?
Sigh.
Anonymous says
The value of your apartment will go down, but as apartments are purchased by rentier speculators and turned into Air B&Bs or rentals, the value will skyrocket in about 10 years. Fewer if there’s an effective vaccine.
AIMS says
That’s not really an option in many (most?) NY buildings.
Anonymous says
What’s not an option? Air B&B? Or purchase and rent out? The latter seems to be an option in most co-op and some condos. And I’ve been shocked by where friends have found Air B&Bs to stay in when they come to town. Basically any non-doorman building, whether or not it’s allowed.
Anon says
Most NYC co-ops (which comprise the largest proportion of owned apartments) have restrictions on rentals (e.g. can only rent out 1 year every 5/10 years, or not at all) and absolutely do not allow Air BnBs.
AIMS says
I think school reopens but I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking.
For real estate, TBD. I think everyone who could do it, took stuff off the market and is going to relist when this is over. Part of me worries no one will ever want to live in a big city again, and between that and the economy our apartment will be under water forever. But then I remember how people were cancelling contracts after 9/11 and saying no one will ever live downtown and look what happened. So who the hell knows.
I also read posts on here and the main s*te by people who want to move to a big house with a home office in a state with low taxes and sometimes I do too, but then I also think how grateful I am to live in a state that is taking this seriously! Not that most states aren’t, but it is important to me to reliably be on the same page as my govt (at least locally). I guess all that to say it’s too soon to speculate but we gave a deposit for preschool and are hoping for the best.
Anon says
Yeah, I can see how in the midst of this people will say no one wants to live in the city again, and I get why. But in the grand scheme of things, this is hopefully short term (even though it doesn’t feel like it now!) with just a chance of happening again but not necessarily; but a long, hard commute is a soul crushing reality every day. I think short commute ultimately wins out in the end, although it could take time.
I wonder if the whole move to another state and working permanently remotely from elsewhere is more fantasy than reality for most. Like, I can do my job as it stands right now fairly well from home. And I’ve had those thoughts. But then the reality (for me at least) is: 1) my co. can’t have everyone remote. There needs to be some synergies of us generally being together and idea sharing. And while one or two of us could maybe be fully remote, if they let one do it, that would start an avalanche of others wanting to do it (we are in a VHCOL city), and they couldn’t just arbitrarily pick who gets to and who doesn’t. 2) This will be industry specific, but it works so well for me now because there ARE no external meetings happening in our office, but I would be at a disadvantage not being able to attend those meetings at times when they are happening again, and they are enough where flying in each time wouldn’t be realistic (and I’m a doubter that these all move virtual, since usually the external entity has a some incentive to see us in person). Finally, 3) I can’t help but think being permanently remote in another state when everyone else is still together would over time hurt my longer term career. Like maybe in ways I wouldn’t even know, but maybe paths would have been presented that wouldn’t have if I was totally out of state remote. Out of sight, out of mind.
That being said, I’m sure there ARE plenty of examples where working remotely in another state works perfectly fine -especially maybe in sales where you are traveling all the time anyway – I’m just doubting if that’s going to be case for the vast majority like we are all fantasizing. (This is different than someone working from home IN the same area, where at least they have the option to go in on a semi frequent basis without too much notice).
Anon says
I agree. Also, I’d be nervous how long-term of a solution the work from home from another state solution is. Like, why on earth would a company continue paying you NYC market rates from random state when they could probably just fire you and hire someone from random state for a lot less money to do the same thing.
Anonymous says
I think school will open in September and stay open. People will keep catching covid and dying. But the goal was always slowing the curve which has been done not preventing all risk.
Anon says
Yes. I would say 99% school reopens.
Anonymous says
I think we’re more likely to see school in shifts than no school. I think the city really values it as part of the safety net. They could also potentially look at moving high schools and potentially middle schools to remote learning, since students travel farther from home at those ages and are more able to work independently, while keeping elementary and preK open. Keep in mind some schools are still open as “regional enrichment centers” to serve children of essential workers and as food distribution points.
Re: apartment value – I’m not really worried about it, partly because housing values in my neighborhood didn’t really drop even in 2008-09, and partly because I’m not trying to sell anytime soon. I live in a less expensive area outer borough neighborhood though; people buy apartments in this area to live in, not for investments.
Anon says
Yes, I think there will have be to school in some form, but there will be changes to it. The discussion on the main page today was so weird with people insisting that schools can’t reopen because their third grader currently goes to the library at the same time as the first and second graders so they have contact with 800 kids every day. Uhhh…so the school will change that? There are so possible solutions for minimizing contact with everyone except your 20 classmates and 1 teacher, especially in the pre-middle school ages where students mostly aren’t differentiated based on academics. It’s so weird to me that people seem to think the only options are 1) no school or 2) school exactly as it was pre-pandemic. I feel like it’s pretty obvious it will be a third option – school but different.
Anon says
Anyone have a rec for a binder for c-section recovery?
I may be having a c-section in the next few weeks. I avoided any binders after my first kid (deliviery v*ginally) because they seemed like a torture device designed by the patriarchy, but I think with a c-section they are actually helpful. Are they?
Lyssa says
I had two c-sections, and I didn’t use any kind of a binder and didn’t really even understand what they were supposed to be for. I’ve seen them mentioned, but no one ever suggested that I use one.
I did use a “hip shrinker” after my second (ShrinkX, I think it was called), and I do think it helped with that hippy spread that pregnancy brings. (Several of my pre-pregnancy pants are now a little big, in fact.) It was uncomfortable, but worth it to me.
Anon says
Recommendations on the hip shrinker?
HSAL says
I had a csection with my twins (second pregnancy) and the hospital gave me a velcro binder that I used. It helped me feel more contained. It never occurred to me to use anything with my first (v-delivery).
NYCer says
+1. I used the velcro binder from the hospital while I was in the hospital and then maybe for a week after (they gave me a couple to take home). I got sick of wearing it after that and felt mostly fine by then anyways.
Anon says
I had a c-section and never wore anything (and didn’t actually even know about these things until well after my c-section).
JTM says
I didn’t use a binder for my first c-section but used one for my 2nd, and the binder totally helps! I started out with the velcro binder from the hospital and it made a huge difference! I wore it for 3wks pretty much nonstop and it helped tremendously. I then switched to a corset style binder from Bellefit and it was just ok – because of my body shape (extreme hourglass) I found it uncomfortable to wear all day and night.
anonymous says
What did it help with exactly?
Audrey III says
Not JTM, but for me it helped protect my incision – kept me from moving in a way that irritated it, and, second time around, helped protect it from my toddler’s attempts to aggressively cuddle me. It also helped me move around better without, for lack of a better term, feeling like my insides were going to fall out of me. Wore for 2-3 weeks (can’t recall; it’s a haze) and just used the one they gave me at the hospital, which I liked b/c I was able to cut it to be shorter (I have a short torso). I asked for an extra one second time around before they discharged me, in case first one got messy (it did).
Ashley says
No suggestions, but I had a c-section and wish I had worn one! I think it definitely would’ve helped with the feeling that my guts were just … loose. Can’t think of a better way to describe it. I have seen ads for some that have clasps in the cr*tch area. I think that would be a helpful feature… you could undo them when you have to pee without having to get in/out of the whole darn thing.
tk says
I used a Bellefit for my one and only c-section pregnancy so I don’t know how it would be without one – but it was comfortable to wear / sleep in, even over the c-section incision. Again, nothing to compare to, but I was back in normal clothes within 2 months; not sure how much to credit the binder vs. lucky genetics.
Anonymous says
Think I could use the hip shrinker 4.5 years out?! ;)
Anon says
Ha
Anonymous says
Seriously. Need an answer. 9 years out. Quarantine snax are not helping.
Movie ideas? says
This is a fun(ish) one – anyone have move suggestions for the whole family with a 5 year old and almost 4 year old? I keep seeing lists (e.g. Emily Henderson recently) but lots of people write in with ideas that are “oh yes, when you have a ten year old this will be great” or “how about x?” when that’s definitely not appropriate yet, etc.
For starters, we love predictable Disney (Moana, Robin Hood, Tangled, Sleeping Beauty, Frozen and Frozen 2, etc.), they really like the Aladdin and Cinderella live action remakes, they love Mary Poppins, Sound of Music, and Swiss Family Robinson. Also like Sing, Trolls, Zootopia. They did get a kick out of Honey I Shrunk the Kids (I fastforwarded through the Anty death scene) and also Homeward Bound. Oh they loved How to Train Your Dragon. We all love both Paddingtons. Also all oved Abominable – if you all haven’t seen that one I can recommend it!
Recent misses: The Greatest Showman (DD pretended to like it, i think it was mostly all over their heads or too dramatic), Despicable Me. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was a little long?
My DD (the 5 year old) is also unfortunately obsessed with Descendants thanks to a classmate…
TIA!
avocado says
Around that age my daughter enjoyed Ramona and Beezus, The Water Horse, Free Willy, Hoot, and the Secret of Roan Inish.
Ms B says
The Madagascars and Shreks were and are big hits in our house.
Anonymous says
I’m not seeing Pixar on your list, and those are all favorites.
anne-on says
If they weren’t upset my Zootopia (the blueberry scene towards the end was REALLY upsetting for my kiddo at that age) I’d think Toy Story 1&2 would be fine, the ending of 3 might be hard (this reminds me to show it to my 8-yr old, he never saw it!). I was pleasantly surprised by Spies in Disguise – silly, and all about non-violence.
If you can deal with the potty humor all the Minions, Despicable Me movies are silly fun. We got a lot of mileage out of the old Muppet movies at that age, and the newer one with Jason Segal, but NOT muppets most wanted – that was a little scary.
Anonymous says
I have a 6.5 and 4 year old (girls). They both LOVE the Toy Story movies, all the minion movies, wizard of oz was a hit. My older one loved mary poppins but my younger one wandered off before things got animated and never really got back into it. They both watched Wreck it Ralph though I’m not sure either one of them really understood what was happening. They just watched the new trolls movie (3x). I hate them personally, but the girls also love the Miraculous series and the stupid Barbie movies all over netflix.
Anon says
(A 4 and 5 year old here like OP) Same, we recently watched Wreck it Ralph and while we made it through and they enjoyed it to some extent, I don’t think they followed the underlying story. Same for Inside Out.
Anonymous says
Whole family is hard. If my son likes it, usually either my husband or I (or both) do not. A few others to try include: Planes: Fire and Rescue; Planes; some wildlife documentaries; and the new Disney live action movies
I may be flamed for this, but my son (5) and husband are loving watching the Star Wars series together. There have been a few parts that have had to be skipped, but overall my son is obsessed. I think they are currently watching the animated series.
Clementine says
My kid and I watched Star Wars but ‘the star wars with no fighting’. I fast forwarded past all the fighting/violence/scary stuff and it was a cool movie about friends who drive spaceships and are friends with robots and then everybody cheers at the end.
Anon says
I have exactly a 5 and a 4 year old too!
This weekend we watched the Disneynature movie Penguins, and we all enjoyed it. Ed Helms narrates and at times it is decently funny (at least, relative to my expectations for zero funny).
Other recent wins I don’t see above are The Jungle Book and Jungle Book 2. For shows mine are obsessed with The Lion Guard (Disney+), Rescue Riders (Netflix) and we watch Storybots or Magic School Bus (Netflix) as part of “school”.
Anon says
My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo
Anon says
These are huge hits! My kids also love all the David Attenborough nature documentaries.
Anonymous says
My kids (5 and 7) have watched one of the three Madagascar movies approximately every day since quarantine began. It also kind of keeps the 2-year-old entertained, for like 10 min stretches at least.
AIMS says
The old Disney movies are great because they are closer to an hour which is a good length at that age. I think they key is to share the story first. My 4 year old has been ‘reading’ Disney books on the iPad and now will happily sit thru her favorites. Or we read the stories at night (or I just tell her) and then we watch the next day.
Anon says
My 6-year-old DD loves the Tinker Bell movies. We just had a huge fail with Up, though, she was legitimately freaked out by the villain and the dogs and keeps telling us it was the worst movie she’s ever seen.
avocado says
I thought of more: Secretariat, The Rookie, both Incredibles (if you travel for work, you absolutely must see Incredibles 2–the sequence where Elastigirl goes on her first business trip is dead-on from the perspective of both spouses), Surf’s Up, Rio.
Anonymous says
I posted on the main site too but curious for a mom’s perspective.
I am self employed. Usually, i work 15-25 hours/week. Last year I made about 100k pre tax. During the pandemic, I’ve scaled way back on work to take care of the kids so that DH can continue to work his FT job remotely. I am still able to bill some hours, but I am pushing everything that is not absolutely mission critical to the side. My year-to-year hours are not too much different from this month last year, but I am turning down opportunity and absent the pandemic my hours would be up 30-50% from this time last year.
Technically, I qualify for pandemic unemployment assistance. As in, when I put everything into the website, I qualify. I am hesitating to submit because it feels like I don’t *need* the money. Like, DH’s job pays our bills, I am still technically able to do some work, and if things pick up, I can probably work extra hard from July-Dec and make up for the hit I took in March-June. Maybe.
Thoughts? Are thee downsides to applying and just putting all the money aside in case things go way south (DH loses his job, I lose future work, etc)? Will I have to have a paper trail showing I am turning down work? I do, to an extent, but due to the nature of my work each billable hour isn’t really accounted for in that way.
Lily says
How do you qualify if you are turning down work vs. losing work?
Anonymous says
I guess I’m not sure of your question. As a 1099/contractor, one of the ways you qualify is if you are not working due to having to watch children due to COVID. That is my scenario- I am not working (as much as I could be) because I am watching the kids.
Patricia Gardiner says
On the main site you added the detail that due to DH’s company getting sold, your household income will be 2-3x what it normally is.
Even if it is legal for you to file for unemployment, it hardly seems ethical.
anon says
I strongly disagree that it is not ethical. If she were laid off from a traditional job, her husband’s business interests would have zero to do with her eligibility for unemployment benefits. She has every right to apply for and receive the money if she meets the criteria. It is not going to cost anyone else their benefits. FYI, I am an employer-side employment lawyer.
Anon says
It is going to cost other people their benefits. There is not enough money for everyone. Have you read the news lately?
I think “ethical” is a murky word because it can mean either illegal or immoral. It may be legal but a lot of people (including me) think it would be immoral, given her circumstances.
Anon says
If you don’t need the money, I would not accept government assistance.
Anon says
Got pregnant in the beginning of March before everything hit the fan and headed to my first OB appt this Friday. I don’t expect that all of my appts moving forward will be in person but they want me in for at least the first couple. How has your experiences been when going in for appts for those who are pregnant? I plan on wearing a mask, washing my hands when I can and bringing along hand sanitizer. Any other suggestions?
Pogo says
Just recently my appointments switched to every other telemedicine. I was asked to buy a scale and a blood pressure cuff if necessary – tho my BP has not been a concerned so my OB told me to hold off on that.
I wore a mask (fabric) into the building, where I was stopped and screened (temp, questionnaire, etc with a nurse). I was then given a permission slip (lol) to carry with me down the hall to my appointment.
After checking in, I did not sit and wait – they had someone come out and get me and take me right in. There was one other patient there at the time and the same was done for her – not like normal where there are 3-5 people + spouses/partners/parents/kids hanging out. NO support people are allowed for visits at my office currently, but they let me video call my husband during my 20 week anatomy scan (I wanted the support in case they found something, and also to find out gender at the same moment).
I have other pregnant friends who said for bloodwork, esp the GTT, she was asked to wait in her car until they called her to come in to get the blood draw, again to avoid people being in the waiting room together. I haven’t had my GTT yet, so we’ll see. The last time I had bloodwork was March 13 and I just hand sanitized and social distanced because at that point the hospital had no restrictions.
Good luck! I think the good thing for those of us relatively early in our pregnancies is that hopefully by Fall things calm down a bit and we can deliver with support people present, without a mask, etc. You stand a good chance I think!
Anon says
Congrats!
I have to go in 2x/week (31 weeks with high risk twins). For me, the big difference is how locked down and empty the doctor’s building is, and that they have tried to reduce waiting room time as much as possible. Also, my doctor does not allow my husband (or any other support person) in for the appointments. The steps you mentioned are the steps that I have taken – I also take the stairs instead of the elevator.
AnonATL says
I’m pushing 26w in metro Atlanta, and I had an appointment last week. I was told to wear a mask if possible, and I had a fabric one I wore the whole time. Similar to Pogo, I had my temp checked when I walked in and also got a little hall pass. No partners allowed. I sat in the empty waiting room maybe 5 minutes. Went back, had my weight and BP checked and belly measured. Doctor and I chatted for a few minutes and I was out. All of the doctors, nurses, and admin staff were wearing masks. The doctor stayed across the room the whole time I was there except for the doppler check and belly measurement.
They mentioned trying to spread out appointments going forward, but I have to have my glucose screening at 28 weeks. After that I would not be surprised if they kept me at once a month vs transitioning to the every other week that would normally be standard. In my area, I think they are still doing the big appointments (20w ultrasound, confirmation ultrasounds at the beginning,glucose screening), but trying to spread everything else out if possible.
Basic precautions I took were a fabric mask, not touching elevator buttons with my fingers (elbowing them is surprisingly hard), carrying nothing in except my card case in my pocket and a paper list of questions that I could toss out. I sanitized before I left the building and also when I got back in my car. I also showered when I got home mostly because I needed to anyway.
I’m youngish and so far low risk, so I’d rather not go in if I don’t have to. I’m sure it is extra nerve-wracking to be in your early pregnancy right now. I remember my first trimester I was extremely anxious between appointments just waiting to make sure he was still ok in there. Good luck! It’ll be tough the next couple of months, but hopefully it will be a calmer world once you get ready to give birth.
Anon says
The only other thing I bring with me in public is disinfecting wipes to wipe down anything I have to touch. Like if you plan to sit in a chair in the waiting room, you might want to wipe it down first.
LadyNFS says
Same to most of the comments above, except my practice will give you a mask if you come in without one. I have gone fairly frequently recently because I am so far along, and I’ve been told that they are limiting in person visits to pregnancy confirmations and other tests that have to be done in person (i.e. bloodwork, scans, and in my instance, NST). I actually carry a Lysol wipe in my hand and use that to open doors, push elevator buttons, etc. (and then I thoroughly wash and hand sanitizer my hand once I get to my destination). I don’t know if the Lysol wipe is effective, but psychologically I prefer keeping a barrier between my hand and whatever I am touching that is also disposable.
Anon says
22 weeks in NYC (due mid-aguust). Just had my second anatomy scan in-person (had to wear a mask the entire time; all office staff also wore masks). For foreseeable future all my other appointments are teledoc. I will need to go back in person at some point; my doctor will tell me next week what the plan is.
AnotherAnon says
I can’t keep doing this. I knew we were in this for the long haul, but I just can’t keep leaning on SIL to do all the child care while I struggle at work. Day care shows no signs of opening, which I understand. I qualify for extended family leave, but I will almost surely be fired if I take it. WWYD? I know this is just a passing feeling, but I feel like I’m drowning.
Anon says
Hire a babysitter.
Pigpen's Mama says
+1
I’ve realized this is the only solution for us now. It will kill my career if I take advantage of any leave (even if they allowed it), and I don’t really want to. If anyone would do that, it would make more sense for my husband to do it, because it wouldn’t hurt his career at ALLl, but he looked at me like I was insane when I suggested it.
I’m overwhelmed at the thought of finding good care, but something needs to change.
anon says
Pigpen’s Mama, in your particular situation I would bring it up with your husband again.
AnotherAnon, does your SIL mind? Can you start paying her if you haven’t been? If I was your SIL, I would absolutely take care of my nieces or nephews during this time.
The theme of both these comments is that we do not always have to handle everything ourselves ladies.
Anonymous says
Why is it only moms who are considering taking family leave?
Anon says
Because in most families (statistically speaking) the man makes more money. Obviously this is not always the case.
Spirograph says
I don’t think you can say this. This is a board full of moms, so it’s a skewed sample.
Moot point because my husband is furloughed and doing 99% of childcare at the moment, but if we were trying to balance kids with both of us working, I would be the one thinking more seriously about family leave. I make 2x my husband’s salary, but I would be net happier temporarily losing my income to focus on my family. My husband is not net happier doing childcare instead of work (even though he is doing a great job under the circumstances).
Anonymous says
Yes hi this is sexism and the patriarchy. Which fine but can we please acknowledge that?!!
Spirograph says
I’m sorry, I don’t understand your comment. Are you saying that sexism and patriarchy are the reason I would take leave rather than my husband, even though I clearly stated that we’d make that decision because it would be the best thing for both my mental health and my husband’s? This has everything to do with how much we enjoy our respective jobs and how demanding they are, not the patriarchy.
Anyway, my point was that 12:42 made her comment based on 2 people in a forum of all women considering taking leave, and it’s a pretty big leap to “only moms” from that. As evidenced by the people below who said their husbands have gone part time or taken leave.
12:42 says
Also four women and zero men on my staff.
Anonymous says
Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying. Can’t believe in 2020 we still pretend like our individual preferences are a totally neutral thing not massively formed by the patriarchy.
Anon says
Spiro – I think the point the patriarchy poster was making is that we are conditioned for men to dislike child raising and housekeeping and for women to feel like they have to enjoy it. Maybe you really do like it and he doesn’t but that default gut reaction stems from the patriarchy.
Anonymous says
Oh no, I agree that socialization is a big factor in how this plays out in society at large. The patriarchy is absolutely A Thing, and I’m just as much of a fan of crushing it as the next person. Similar to how I don’t appreciate the blanket “only moms,” I don’t find it relevant to this particular question *for me*, and didn’t appreciate the assumption. It’s a lazy generalization. I see how you got there, but that doesn’t make it true. What I should have said: My husband really enjoys his job, I do not enjoy my job (but it pays well and I can tolerate it, so here we are). I suspect we find being a full time nanny/housekeeper/teacher equally frustrating, although I haven’t tried it yet. In *my particular case* where either salary would support us adequately, it makes more sense for the person who actually enjoys their paying job to keep doing it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Maybe we’re outliers again but my husband took a paycut to do a part time schedule so that he could do the bulk of the childcare.
GCA says
Husband is temporarily a SAHD because of covid-19 hiring freezes, and I’m working full-time, and the experience is demonstrating to us that neither of us wants to be a SAHP or sole breadwinner!
Anonymous says
I make more money (but it isn’t a crazy difference). My husband would take the leave if we needed one of us to. Right now, we are both stretched thing during the week (including substantial evening work).
Anonymous says
Stretched thin! And I should add that he’s take the leave because his boss would be kinder about it. Not because he makes less.
Anonymous says
My husband is taking leave. We’re out there.
AIMS says
Mr. AIMS is doing most of childcare now because I have more work at the moment.
I do think the notion that men are less happy doing that than women – even if true for your family – is worth examining because it is all socially loaded and what makes you happy doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Doesn’t mean you have to change but it’s worth discussing.
Anon says
My husband is a SAHD – and there are a couple of us on this board (although he is one of two in our preschool *insert eyeroll*)
Anon says
We hired a nanny in these circumstances. Unfortunately the nanny is now sick. It seems like a stomach bug, but its hard to say and hard to know what to do now about her returning to work. DH and I both tried to work full-time and do childcare for 2 weeks and it was impossible. Neither of us is eligible for leave or to work part time so, our jobs are not at all accommodating. So difficult to decisions to make now. This is so hard on dual working parent couples.
Absent husband says
My husband works 14-hour days during the week and some weekends, and travels a lot. When he’s not working he watches hours of tv by himself in the basement. I usually don’t get to see him or talk to him unless I come downstairs, which is really annoying because I am five months pregnant. Our friends and family assume he makes a lot of money for the long hours he works, but I actually make slightly more than him in my 40-hour/week job. On top of that, I do all of the cooking and most of the housework, and I often have to pick up after him too because he is a slob, leaving clothes and food wrappers everywhere. He has had three jobs over the past 10 years, as long as we have been together, and this pattern is consistent. I have talked to him about doing more around the house, like doing dishes and taking out the trash. He will do it for a few days and then taper off. (We have a house cleaner come by once a month, but mess still piles up.) I already feel lonely and exhausted, and can’t imagine how much worse it will get when we have a baby. We had a fight yesterday when he made lunch for himself and ordered grocery delivery for himself without even checking in on me and asking me if I might want something. We did try one session of couples counseling but neither of us wanted to stick with the therapist or put in the work and time for therapy. Is a trial separation the next step?
Anonymous says
No just get a divorce and then get therapy about why you decided to marry and procreate with this man.
Anon says
This is harsh. But you do have problems, this is not normal. Equal burden sharing is really important when parenting – much more so than earlier.
anne-on says
Uh, sadly +1. Who the heck (would use stronger language here but for moderation) orders groceries, during a pandemic, without checking if their PREGNANT spouse needs things?!? Dump him, and then therapy for you to determine why you were ok with this for so long.
Anonanonanon says
OK not how I would have worded it but…. +1.
Do you have separate bank accounts? Separate NOW, financially and physically. This sounds like a man who will fight for 50% of the time with his child to avoid paying child support just to punish you. Much easier to establish yourself as the primary parent if you leave now. I’m so sorry this is your situation, but a baby will NOT make it better. I have lived this, and I promise, it is easier by yourself than with someone like that.
Anonanonanon says
Also, my NEIGHBORS that I don’t know that well all have a system where we check in with each other if someone is doing a grocery order in case someone needs one or two things. Your husband should at least show as much consideration as a neighbor would! Saying “hey I’m putting in a grocery order do you need anything?” during a pandemic is about as low as the bar gets.
Em says
+1 I was going to the grocery store today and asked both my parents and my next door neighbors if they needed me to get them anything. That was in addition to asking my husband MULTIPLE times if we needed anything or he wanted me to get him anything specific. Yeesh.
Anon New Yorker says
Harsh but yes, this. You’re going to be a single parent either way — just get rid of this guy so you don’t have to parent him as well.
I’m sorry, this sucks. And I’ve been there — now it’s just me and my 4 year old and I’m a million times happier.
Anne says
Agree. I know it’s obvious but a baby is just so much WORK. There will be endless things to do at all times that neither of you want to do (hello blow out diaper at 5 AM) and I personally think it would be infinitely easier to just do it on my own than to resentfully do it while someone else was there not doing it over and over again. My husband’s good at cleaning, is a hard worker, and is fundamentally fair and we still have endless frustration about who has to do the 14th hour of household labor that day.
Anonymous says
I would freak the f*ck out at my husband if he acted like this. Does he have redeeming qualities, and do you love him? If neither of you wanted to stick with the therapy, does that mean neither of you really cares about saving the relationship? Unless there is a drastic change, this is 100% going to be worse when the baby comes.
OP says
One of his redeeming qualities is his principles. At the moment he works for a labor union that represents nurses, so that is why he has been busy lately. I think that would be justified if this behavior was abnormal, but even before the pandemic he was just as busy negotiating labor contracts, arbitrations, filing unfair labor practices, etc, working very long hours and traveling. He does check in on me and I know he loves me a lot, but he has always been obsessive about work at the expense of everything else in his life. In the past he quit a job to try to look for another and achieve some work-life balance, but ended up unemployed for a long time which put its own strain on our relationship. He has talked about taking a step back in his career and getting an entry-level government job, but I don’t want us to take that cut in our household income, and I don’t think it would solve our problems.
anon says
Your husband essentially not speaking to you and not being a member of your household is a massive problem, and having a baby will make it so much worse. You are way, way, way passed a household chore discussion. You do not actually have a marriage. You have a roommate, and a bad one at that. (As a comparison, when we have babies my husband handles pretty much all the household stuff while I recover and nurse the baby.)
My husband only acts like this when he is severely depressed, but he routinely goes to therapy and takes antidepressants until he’s functional again. It should like your husband is not trying…anything.
Anonymous says
He sounds depressed. If he won’t do anything about it, you need to get out of there. It will only be worse if you have a child. I also second therapy for you.
anon says
I always recommend this, but I think it is especially important in your case. Your husband needs to take paternity leave when you go back to work so that he is solely responsible for the baby during the days for at least a month, preferably 6-8 weeks. He’ll gain confidence and get to know the baby with that solid 1:1 time. Otherwise, you’re going to be 100% responsible for both baby and house duties.
Anonanonanon says
He sounds like the type that is going to leave a baby in a soaking wet diaper in the bouncy seat for hours at a time while he plays video games. I’d send my kid straight to daycare at 6 weeks old before I’d leave my kid with someone like that.
Anon says
If it’s that bad, she should leave him. But child abuse is a far cry from working long hours, being a slob and watching too much TV. Hopefully he is just burnt out from his job and will find new motivation to do a good job for his child.
Anon says
The husband doesn’t sound great from what the OP wrote, but I agree it’s a far cry from child abuse or neglect, and paternity leave might cause him to step up. My situation was less extreme but being on paternity leave really forced my husband to do more parenting and be a better husband and father.
I also wonder if he has prenatal depression, which can happen to men too. I definitely think it’s worth a try to see if things improve after baby. They’ve already conceived, she’s keeping the baby, I don’t think she has a lot to lose by waiting a few more months to see if the situation was gets better after birth. I’m not suggesting she give the guy a decade to shape up.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Based on what you wrote here, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting much out of the relationship. This may have been acceptable and even the norm when men were the only ones working outside of the home and women were homemakers, but you have a job with a good salary and can take care of yourself. I agree that he may be depressed or anxious, but he’s gotta be willing to work on this and take medication as necessary. If this continues, it will absolutely get worse once you have a baby and you’ll have even more work to do on your own.
Anonymous says
I see you are married to my ex-BIL (his reward for working hard was to watch all of the college and pro football that he wanted to, all weekend, solo, even though he has 4 young kids).
You might as well continue therapy, maybe with someone else, b/c you’re going to have to co-parent with him, married to him or not.
Go for it says
Sorry, he is a man baby. I’d be livid~ he’s an awful “spouse” and a rotten roommate. Period.
Please get therapy for you, now! Many tele~sessions are available, you need this.
Separate your $ ASAP, and know that people show you who they are, clearly he has. This will not improve with a baby.
Anon says
Just the only thing I would add that hasn’t really been addressed, but, 14 hour days including some weekends is a lot. I would probably be burnt out and depressed too if I was doing that consistently (although I would like to think I would still check in with my pregnant wife before ordering groceries…). What does he do, especially where he’s not even making that much money? Is it possible to get him in a lower hour career or job? Maybe that would improve things? Just trying to “not throw the baby out with the bathwater” in case things can at all be salvaged, since the divorce alternative means you both supporting two households vs 1 and splitting custody, which won’t be a picnic. (But potentially necessary).
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in. The silver lining is separating at or near this point would mean your child will never know the difference.
Anone says
I know everyone here is all about getting divorced but not sure how many have been a single parent or loved through a divorce. I’d only do it if it’s really that bad and irreparable. You owe it to your future baby to both try harder at therapy.
Anonanonanon says
I have and that’s why I recommend it
Anonymous says
Same!
Go for it says
+1
It’s better to be s single parent to a child than an adult man baby
AIMS says
You know if you’re going to separate I would tell him first that this is how bad it is. He sounds like a selfish a** but you sound like you have let him get away with it (I say this with good intentions- this is a horrible situation to be in and I am sending you all the hugs).
But why does everyone assume he makes more money? Is it because you let them believe it? How does that even come up? Why does he get a man cave? These are things you have played a part in and maybe he has some redeeming qualities that explain this? I would just sit him down and say that this grocery order thing was a big wake up call, this is unacceptable and that you are going to separate unless you see some dramatic improvement. Definitely agree that you need to fix this before baby or it will be that much worse. Maybe you ultimately can’t but I’d try.
Anonymous says
+1 Honestly? My first thought was that the OP’s post had to be fake. The husband is too awful, and the OP has let him be awful for too long.
OP, you need to be assertive. This is a conversation about how you need to be treated as an equal partner in this relationship, and you need him to be an equal partner in maintaining your household. Not everyone sees these as deal-breakers, but it seems like you do (and I agree!). You need to communicate that to him very clearly. If you have let this go on for 10 years, I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re serious when you ask for things to change.
I also agree with Anon above that this is textbook burnout. Individual counseling might be a really good first step for him if he wants to fight for your marriage.
Anon says
I felt something was…off…with OP’s perception of things when she mentioned the going downstairs pregnant bit. I don’t have a toilet on my main floor and it just isn’t that bad to go up and down a lot, even when pregnant! I realize that is a snap judgement on my part and probably unfair – but I think her post/tone in general illustrates that both she and her husband are in dark places right now and not seeing the situation totally clearly. I would err on the side of compassion, but definitely have a frank conversation about the state of the union and both of your expectations/needs going forward. I do think the marriage can be saved! This survival mode is hard on all of us.
lawsuited says
This will be a hundred times worse once you have a baby! Both parents need to put in maximum effort close to all the time in order to manage 2 jobs, a household and children. The effort your husband is currently willing to put in will not even remotely cut it. Given that you’re pregnant, I’d think it’s worth counselling to see if you can course correct the relationship, but keep your eyes and your options wide open and prepare your exit as there’s a good chance you’ll need it.
IHeartBacon says
I too believe your post is fake but in case it is not (and in case there are others on here who are going through the same thing for real), the answer to your question is: yes, if neither of you are are willing to put in the work and time for therapy, then yes, a separation is the next step, whether you want it to be or not.
Mrs. M says
Is anyone satisfied with what they receive from ThredUp? This is my second order in three years and my first maternity order. I don’t know that I was thinking clearly when I placed it. I feel like with coupons and discount codes I could have bought the products brand new for only about $5-$15 more rather than wearing fabric that is stretched out and pilling. I didn’t realize there was a restocking fee to return and I guess that’s what is adding to my buyer’s remorse.
anne-on says
This is kind of my issue with ThredUp in general unless you watch like a hawk for brand name stuff in your/your kids size. It’s just easier for me to keep an eye out for sales and discount codes – especially for mall stores.
AnonLaywer says
I did one of their goody boxes where they do a Stitch Fix type service and every single thing basically sucked. They didn’t nail my style or what I was asking for at all and the clothes felt worn. Also, I checked out the baby clothes and it was basically Carters stuff I could have bought new on sale at that price.
rakma says
I’ve been happy with it, but a few caveats: I’ve only gotten plus size clothes, I look for solid, trusted brands, and only like new or new with tags conditions, I generally stick to higher ticket items (Dresses, blazers, coats)
I did order some kid’s dresses, the frilly lacy ones that you only ever get them in once, because we were going to a wedding where that was called for.
I feel like so many brands have such hit or miss quality to begin with, I’m not going to mess with them second hand unless I can do that in person.
Mrs. M says
Agreed. I went with a pricier brand thinking I was getting a deal but now that I see how worn it is in person I would have just left it on the rack in the thrift store for the price that I paid.
AnotherAnon says
I have a love/hate relationship with Thredup. I only buy one particular item from them now, and I only buy at a price point where I would be fine donating to Goodwill if they don’t fit (or, more often with Thredup, there is something majorly wrong with the item that they “didn’t notice” or glossed over in the description). They were pretty good about refunding me for something that had a huge hole in it when the description was “like new.” If you’re looking for Target, Gap, Ann Taylor, etc., IMHO you’re better off shopping those sites using coupons and sales. They used to not have a restocking fee.
TheElms says
I’ve had good luck with kid clothes and maternity clothes. I buy brands I know and only like new or new with tags. You have to wait for a coupon though because otherwise the prices aren’t worth it. I star a bunch of stuff and wait for a coupon and then buy what is left available that I still need.
Anonymous says
I think it is overpriced for the quality generally. I feel like swap.com is a better value BUT they don’t photograph their items nearly as well, and it is harder to search. That said, if you are willing to take a risk you can get some really good deals. Returns are for store credit (I think – check).
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