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Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Posted yesterday on the main board but didn’t get many responses so I’m reposting here:
For anyone who has done pelvic floor therapy to correct leaking . . . did it work for you? If so, how long did you do the exercises and/or go to a therapist? And did you have to do the exercises every single day for them to be effective? I went to a therapist in the fall for diastasis recti and leaking. I learned a number of exercises that have helped a bit but I have found it very hard to do it consistently every day. My DR has barely budged and I still definitely leak when I run if I don’t pee immediately before I leave the house. I’m feeling really frustrated and like I must be doing something wrong. I stopped going to the therapist after at least 15-20 sessions but maybe I should start again with another therapist?
anonamommy says
Thank you for posting. I’ve done pelvic floor therapy twice in the last 5 years (12-15 sessions each time) with 2 different therapists over the last 5 years and I’m not sure it’s really made a difference. I still have leaking and pain with s*x. I think my next stop is a urogynecologist to see whether there’s something else going on or if there are specific recs for how to resolve my issues. It’s a major time commitment to do PF therapy — I was going twice a week for 45 minutes each time, it took 90 minutes out of my day all told. I would do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would work but it’s a huge commitment for something that doesn’t.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised at that level of time commitment. I went for an hour every second week with daily morning and evening exercises (about 10 minutes each) to keep a record of at home.
Anon says
How long did you keep that up for? Part of my issue is that I can do it consistently for a month or so but then fall off the wagon. And I don’t see much progress in that month so it’s hard to convince myself to do it religiously.
Anonymous says
My PT said you have to be doing the exercises twice a day for 2-3 months, then daily for another 3-4 months then maintenance at weekly for life. YMMV of course.
But that’s like any muscle group – I’ve found the same thing at the gym. Going to my trainer twice a week for a month is not going to give me amazing triceps. Muscles take time.
Anonymous says
I posted yesterday on the main board, but this is similar to my experience – I worked with a PT at a center affiliated with a hospital, and had sessions of similar duration. I did it for several months and saw no improvement at all in my leaking. I eventually decided to have surgery and have never regretted it. Perhaps a different therapist would have been more helpful, but this seemed really comprehensive – I did all kinds of different exercises while kegeling, she hooked electrodes up to my nether regions to make sure the right muscles were firing, etc. I had done kegels at home all through my pregnancy and after and never noticed any improvement.
I know PT is helpful for many, many women, but if it isn’t enough, you don’t have to just live with this.
Anonymous says
I haven’t done PT for this issue but did pelvic floor PT during pregnancy (tried 2 different providers to find someone amazing). Pelvic floor PT isn’t all about doing kegels, and I’d be very wary of a PT that focuses on that. My amazing PT did incorporate some kegels but many issues with the pelvic floor are related to not being able to expand/relax properly.
I totally don’t mean to say that you in particular should have done other PT rather than surgery and I’m glad you found a resolution — posting more to try to be helpful to others who are evaluating PT providers. The first one I went to was in the “exercises while kegeling” camp and it was not helpful for my issues.
Anonymous says
100% agree re the ‘let’s do some bridges while holding kegels’ thing is useless. I only saw progress when I dumped that person.
My appointments involved some muscle release during our sessions and very specific exercises to correct the imbalance. I was way to tight/strong in one area that was over compensating for the weak area so just more kegels would only make it worse.
You want someone with specific additional training in pelvic floor.
anon says
Can you talk more about the surgery? Do you see a urogynecologist for it? I’ve had terrible PF issues since my second child last year, and I know that I am not disciplined enough to do these exercises for life, even if they do work. Is the recovery long/complicated and did your insurance cover it?
Anonymous says
Yes, I saw a urogynecologist, specifically for stress incontinence, and would recommend that even if you don’t think you want surgery – there are other options, like filler injections. I had a mid-urethral sling surgery and it was covered by my insurance. It was done at a hospital but I was in and out in maybe 4 hours? I was not admitted overnight. I found the recovery pretty easy. I was sore and sleepy that day, and felt like I had been punched in the pelvis the next day, but I walked out of the hospital. I took a couple of days off work but I probably could have worked the next day, especially remotely. I’m not even sure i filled the pain prescription.
I did have one complication – the internal incision site (inside my VJ), did not close completely for a couple of years. So I had a very teeny tiny hole in there. It made direct pressure on that area uncomfortable, which I only noticed because it was near my G spot. So certain gardening positions felt weird and would eventually get uncomfortable afterwards. At some point it closed, the doctor can no longer see it, and I haven’t been bothered by it during gardening lately. (Of course, the amount of gardening happening has been minimal – weeds are taking over here). But even with this complication I don’t regret doing it.
Perhaps in hindsight I should have tried another PT first, but given that I had no improvement at all I just didn’t have any faith it would help. My original urogynecologist had also gone a bit nuts doing all of these tests to rule out things like a fistula, so by the time I finished PT I was really sick of trying to treat this. And the pelvic floor specialists I found did not take my insurance.
Also, I have since realized that I have some urge incontinence too. I can now sneeze without wetting myself, but running SOMETIMES makes my bladder spasm. So I still need to empty my bladder before I go running. And a really bad cough will still make me leak some. But I no longer have to wear a pad every day.
Anonymous says
I have a longer response in mod, but this is similar to my experience.
AnonLeak says
So… I never got to 100%. I use Poise Impresa products (kind of like a tampon) when I run and it works great. Not for everyone but it has really helped me and I read somewhere that Chelsie Memmel does the same. So I feel kind of like an Olympian:)
avocado says
Totally off topic, but Chellsie is my hero. I hope she keeps training and competes next season. What she achieved with just a year of training (that included an injury) was incredible. If she keeps at it, she’ll be unstoppable next season.
Anonymous says
I did not have DR, but about a year of regular yoga practice unexpectedly fixed my leaking issues. If I had known about Restore Your Core at the time, I would have tried that.
Anon says
How many times a week are/did you do yoga to see that result?
Anonymous says
Only about twice a week on average. This was a pretty average 1-hour hatha yoga class at the YMCA. I don’t think you’d get the same results from Yoga with Adriene unless you looked for longer videos focusing on the core.
Anon says
I have DR, have seen a PT, and similar to you really struggle with consistency in the prescribed exercises. Similar to above, I started doing yoga consistently and that’s what I think is helping the DR far more than the exercises I was doing inconsistently. A lot of yoga poses essentially do what I was supposed to be doing but are more enjoyable than “I’m doing PT!”
anon says
I went to PT for leaking while exercising after childbirth, did exercises for maybe 3 – 4 months, probably like 5 PT visits in there. Worked like 98%, suspect it would be better if I had kept up with the exercises. Absolutely worth it.
K. says
I have found the Restore Your Core program to be really helpful for my pelvic floor issues. It is kind of pricey, but I love it. (I’m not connected with it in any way other than the fact I own it!).
JM says
I did PFPT for a 2nd degree prolapse and leaking. It worked 100%. I saw a therapist for 5 months once every two weeks at first then once a month. I was very motivated and did the exercises every day, sometimes twice a day if that is what she prescribed. The leaking scared me and I think that was why I was so compliant.
RDC says
Super late but chiming in – I did PFPT after kids #2 and 3 and while it helped some, I saw much better and longer term results with MommaStrong(dot)com. 15 minute workouts so it’s manageable to fit in, and they’re different every day to keep it interesting. Dramatically improved my DR and I no longer have prolapse symptoms. I’ve been doing it almost 3 years now and it’s so completely worth it.
Anon says
Anyone have suggestions for how to celebrate the Fourth with little kids? I’m feeling kind of blah about the long weekend. The family that was supposed to visit us canceled, all our local friends are out of town or entertaining visiting family of their own, Covid cases are on the rise again in my area so we’re trying to avoid crowds, and even if that weren’t an issue the fireworks and other official events are waaaay past my 3 year old’s bedtime. So I’m not sure what to do but it feels weird to just ignore the holiday.
Anonymous says
Flag cake, water balloons, hot dogs.
Anon says
i’m assuming by celebrate you mean do cute things relating to July 4th rather than teach your 3 year old about the actual meaning/history of the holiday. you could bake something and decorate with red, white and blue, or bake like a sheet cake, ice it white, and use various colored fruits to try to make the flag. you could make different color jello and cut it out with a star cookie cutter. i just got some of those window clings from the dollar section at our target in the shape of stars, red, white and blue water balloons,
Anon says
What does the first sentence even mean?
Anonymous says
I assumed it was some offhanded reference to teaching your kids about the evils of colonialism and slavery?
AIMS says
I just read it as “you aren’t looking to actually commemorate the holiday itself, but do symbolic red white and blue things with your children…”
Anonymous says
Set up an inflatable pool, grill hamburgers and hot dogs, and get some sparklers and poppers for your kids.
AnonATL says
This is what we are doing. Grilling hamburgers, kiddie pool in the backyard, and maybe some sparklers. Husband suggested a backyard campout but we will see how hot it gets.
Btw does anyone have a favorite splash pad?
Anonymous says
our town parade was cancelled so we organized a neighborhood bike parade for the kids. If yours are younger, wagons or power wheels work fine. Last year we did it with lawn tractors and trailers [we live in a neighborhood with 1-2 acre lots so half the houses have lawn tractors and the other half outsource] but we don’t have the energy to build floats this year.
Other lower key ideas: glow sticks, red/white/blue sunglasses, flag cake, sparklers. If a nearby town has a parade and you feel up for it, check it out.
Mary Moo Cow says
Fireworks are past my kids bedtime, too. Last year we tried to watch the Disney fireworks on You Tube, but it was kind of a bust. Your kids might enjoy it, though! We’re going to make some cupcakes, grill, and just stay home. I told my friend I feel seduced by the paraphernalia at the store and magazine spreads about celebrating the 4th, but I can’t really be bothered to celebrate.
Anonymous says
Our neighbors always shoot off a ton of fireworks in the street, and the noise makes bedtime meaningless. Last year we peeked at their display through the window while I nervously watched for embers that might fall on our roof.
Anonymous says
Read Olivia Forms a Band!
anon says
The 4th with tiny kids s*cks, I’m sorry to say. Making peace with that fact helps. ;)
During the day, I’d go to the pool or set up water play in the backyard. I’d make a cute patriotic dessert, grill some hot dogs, and call it a day. If your neighborhood doesn’t have a bike parade, it still might be fun to decorate their wheels and walk around your neighborhood during the day with decked-out scooters, wagons, trikes, etc.
I would not even factor fireworks into the plan. IME, most kids aren’t into them until they’re older.
DLC says
We always finish the day by watch the Capitol Fourth on PBS. It starts at 8pm so not sure if that is too late for you. I don’t find it terribly festive personally, but my kids love watching it. My kids are scared by real fireworks anyway.
Anon says
Today is the last day of CMV (cytomegalovirus) awareness month, and I wanted to share a little PSA about it. What if I told you if you shared a cup with your toddler, you could make your fetus deaf?
CMV is very common – every year as many children are born with congenital CMV as are with Down Syndrome. CMV is the leading cause of non-genetic deafness in children, but it can cause many things, including severe developmental delays, stillbirth and childhood death. CMV is preventable if you take steps to avoid transmission, but most OBs don’t talk about it.
Many of us on this board are at high-risk of catching it – I was and didn’t realize until it was too late. People at high risk include those who didn’t go to daycare as a small child and who have a small child in daycare now. If you’ve ever gotten a mailer from the red cross about your blood being good for babies (the ‘baby brigade’), you’re at extremely high risk, because you were recently CMV negative. CMV is generally harmless to everyone but fetuses when their mom is infected for the first time during pregnancy.
If you didn’t go to daycare as a young child, and have a young child in daycare now, I urge you to ask your OB about your CMV status before TTC so you know if you should take extra precautions.
Anon says
wow. i’ve never even heard of this. i did not go to daycare as a small child, though i did go to preschool around age 2.5. my kids are also not in daycare, and they are 3, and about to start preschool. is this something i should have my kids tested for at some point? I am done TTC and they obviously aren’t any time soon. also, i am not sure as to how this impacted you and your family, but i am so sorry you are dealing with this
Anon says
Not OP, but my understanding is that it’s no risk to adults and kids, only fetuses if the mother becomes infected while pregnant, so if you’re done having kids I wouldn’t worry about it. I didn’t go to daycare and have a kid in daycare but it’s not something I worry about because I’m not having any more children.
Anon says
yes, but my kids are female and they might have kids one day. should i be concerned for them?
Anon says
I guess you could mention it to them so they know about it when they’re older, but I don’t think you need to do anything else.
OP says
They should get tested before TTC (more important if you’re in the medical or childcare field- if you’re not in those, moms frequently pick it up from daycare during a later pregnancy), but hopefully long before the time they’re TTC, there will be a Moderna RNA vaccine against CMV so it won’t be a problem for them.
Anon says
Uhh I highly doubt people will take an mRNA vaccine against a disease that doesn’t sicken adults and kids. Covid has killed 600,000 and changed all our lives and most people won’t give an incredibly effective vaccines for that to their kids, so I don’t think you can count on us vaccinating our way out of this virus that no one has heard of that doesn’t make anyone sick.
OP says
Oh, I don’t think the general population would get the CMV vaccine – I would assume it would treated like the HPV vaccine and recommended for targeted populations (something like CMV negative females ages 13-40, those pre-TTC, etc). At that point people could choose whatever they want.
Anonymous says
Omg no.
Anon Lawyer says
I got tested for CMV by my reproductive endocrinologist as part of the TTC process and I was positive (I think around 75% of adults are). So I didn’t need to worry about it further, which was nice. He also tested me for toxoplasmosis and I was negative despite having lived with cats most of my life, so that was also good information to have. They’re simple blood tests so worth getting in my mind!
In terms of mRNA vaccines, by the time our young kids are trying to conceive, these will have been around for 25 years or so. Totally different ballgame than now. But I know someone who chose to terminate a second trimester pregnancy due to contracting a virus with potentially catastrophic effects on the fetus, which was obviously incredibly heartbreaking for them, so I personally have been concerned about it for quite a while.
TheElms says
So this is me. I have a toddler and am TTC. Do I ask my OB to test me to see if I’m CMV negative? Is it a blood test? It seems like if I’m CMV positive then its not a risk to the fetus.
anon says
Yes, it’s a blood test. Fertility clinics do it routinely — I don’t know if OBs do and it’s just one of those things that gets done silently in the background but never mentioned to the patient.
AnonATL says
I had to request it, but my OB only did it because I had recently been around my daycare attending niece who had cold-like symptoms and I was in my first trimester. I think the risk decreases after first trimester, but I’m not certain.
OP says
I would ask for a blood test. If you’re already positive that’s great (and common) – reactivation is very rare, and you can go on living your life.
If you’re negative, the National CMV Foundation and CDC have some good tips for trying to avoid catching it – no cup or utensil sharing, don’t eat your kids leftovers, avoid sloppy wet kisses, wash your hands well after every diaper change, etc.
Anon says
my sister is TTC with fertility treatments (struggling with IVF). she doesn’t have any other kids yet, should I mention this to her to make sure she gets tested?
Anon says
Not unless she’s a childcare worker or a pediatric nurse or something like that. It’s not an issue if you don’t have regular contact with little kids.
OP says
As someone above mentioned fertility clinics probably already tested her, but it wouldn’t hurt her to know her status.
Since she doesn’t have any children currently, I would just tell her to avoid young children’s bodily fluids – so no food sharing at family parties, etc. The most at-risk are childcare and medical workers and moms of toddlers (75% of young kids in childcare settings are CMV positive, and kids shed virus particles for awhile after their first infection).
anon says
If she’s doing IVF she’s almost certainly been tested. I was before starting fertility treatments (partly because we were using donor sperm, and it’s important to know if you need to select a CMV-negative donor or not).
Hmmm says
Thanks for the info – I had never heard of this!
Anonymous says
I’m a self described medical expert (not really, I’m just a lawyer with a fascination about all things medical) and I had never heard of this. I also had fertility treatments and had my whooping cough vaccine updated early because I was spending so much time w/ a friend’s baby and toddler and no one even mentioned this disease to me.
Anon says
I had no idea but I am at high risk. Thank you for sharing!
Anon says
If you’re already pregnant (and have older toddler kids) is it worth getting tested? I’m a bit confused about that. Thanks!
OP says
I think it’s worth asking your OB about. It’s not standard of care (don’t get me started on why), but I think it would be worth it for peace of mind. If you’re CMV positive you don’t have to worry. If you’re negative you know to be super careful around bodily fluids and not to share foods. Fetuses can have side effects no matter what point in pregnancy a primary CMV infection occurs.
AwayEmily says
Backpack question…I think I’ll get an LL Bean backpack for my average-sized 5yo (starting kindergarten in the fall). Should I get a “Junior Original Book Pack” or an “Original Book Pack”? She will be walking or scooting to school (about a mile) on many mornings, so I want something comfortable.
Anonymous says
Original. The Junior really only works for preschool, especially if your kid likes to stuff her coat etc. into the backpack.
Anonymous says
The junior is TINY. A few kids had it the first year of preschool and promptly ditched it for the original size. It’s cute and totally fits their little bodies, but does not hold lunch, snack, water bottle, art projects and a full change of clothes.
anon says
Does the Original fit 5yos? My kids are all legs so I’m trying to find a backpack that will actually hold all their things but not come down to their knees.
Mary Moo Cow says
In my experience, it looks comically large on them at the beginning of the school year but fits by the end of the year. The Junior is tiny; it only lasted one school year for us, and it was incredibly frustrating to jam folder, art shirt, and lunchbox in it every day.
anon says
Thanks!
Anonymous says
Related, does anyone know if/when LL Bean is likely to have an everything is on sale discount code? I think they do that very occasionally.
anon says
On the same note, do PB backpacks ever go on sale?
anon says
They usually do in July.
Anon says
It’s usually 20% and it’s pretty rare. Maybe in the fall.
anon says
Original. The Junior is REALLY small.
AwayEmily says
Thanks all! Original it is.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have girls’ sneakers that tie and come in size 11 and 12? My 5 y/o has super narrow feet and we really need shoes that lace to get a comfortable fit. The style that is stretchy laces with a velcro closure is way too loose, and she doesn’t like the look of all velcro (plus she has to tighten them so tight they look a little silly).
AwayEmily says
Saucony Jazz Originals (not the velcro kind( come in size 10.5 and up. Available on zappos.
anon says
Not laces, but the New Balance Fuel Cell Reveal is pretty awesome. It has a clicky wheel that tightens the whole upper. My kiddo also has narrow feet, and these have been a lifesaver.
Anonymous says
Thanks! They are backordered everywhere in the girl color in the size i need but these look great. Maybe we’ll get them for K next year vs camp, which is my immediate need :)
Anon. says
Any great recommendations for treating a canker sore in kids? At least that’s what I assume is happening with “my cheek hurts!” Originally thought he bit his cheek but then his cheek hurt again while licking a lollipop.
Anonymous says
Baking soda or teething gel.
Anonymous says
Can the kiddo use mouthwash without swallowing? The classic treatment is to rinse with Hydrogen Peroxide. It tastes *terrible* but drugstores now sell flavored versions which aren’t as bad.
AIMS says
Someone told me to mix mylanta and liquid baby benadryl and put on a q tip. Haven’t tried it but seems low risk if you’re desperate.
Runner says
So our nanny has said that she’d like to explore a nanny share. She said she’d look for a family near us and we would of course have final say. I’m not incredibly enthusiastic about changing up our kids care arrangement but I’d like to come to some agreement because we love her, she loves our kids, etc. We have twins, 2.5 years old. Right now we have her for 40 hours, and in the fall the kids will go to pre school for two mornings per week, and our nanny will keep doing 40 hours — this will help us get a bit more coverage, which we identified we needed.
Has anyone moved from a nanny to a nanny share?
Anonymous says
Sounds like a way for her to get more money and you get less care. I’d be upfront if you aren’t interested. I don’t want other kids in my home nor do I want the hassle of getting my kids out of the house in the morning. Also I think toddler twins is enough.
Anonymous says
Why don’t you want another kid in your home? Just curious. I have a lot of friends w/ only children that love nanny shares for the socialization aspect.
Anonymous says
Oh I just don’t like other people in my space!
Anon says
I feel the same way. I love the idea of my kid playing with others of course, but I’d just rather it happen outside my home. TBH, I struggled even with having a nanny in our space, which was part of why we switched to daycare.
Anonymous says
It seems very odd that the nanny is the one initiating a nanny share. Does she expect each family to pay her more than 50% of her current salary so she makes more money in total? If I could afford a full-time nanny, there’s no way I’d switch to a nanny share.
Anon says
+1. We have a full-time nanny because we wanted 1:1 care and the convenience of having our daughter cared for in our home. If I’d been interested in a nanny share, I would have pursued that from the start.
OP says
I feel affirmed for my hesitancy! We are also paying top dollar for our area. On the other hand, even top dollar here is not a ton of money from a salary perspective; I have often wondered if she is overqualified or just needs to find a more professional job.I have wondered about asking her if she can find something for one day a week so the kids are still getting hands on attention. And also requesting that our rate be reduced. Anyone have any success stories on this?
Anon says
I’d just say that absent an actual nanny share, I’ve never seen a rate reduced (and in that case nanny’s total pay went up). With less hours rates often go up.
How will you be using her for 40 hours once kids are in school? Is that weekends? Because I know a lot of nannies don’t want to transition to more household or housekeeping type work.
Lily says
Of course you should pay less if you’re sharing her with another family. Perhaps not half but a substantial discount.
OP says
We are extending her hours on other days to cover our commutes. Right now we are 830-430 on all days and the only way it works because I am wfh right now. In fall that will change.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t open the door to even one day a week. You hired her to be your family’s full-time nanny. If she wants to increase her income with a nanny share (or, what it really sounds like she’s trying to do, by opening an in-home day care in someone else’s home), she needs to find other customers and you need to find a new nanny.
Anon says
I suspect that this is her way of saying that she is having trouble getting by on what you’re paying her and is exploring ways to make more money. Otherwise, why would she want to make her job even harder?
Rather than assume, I’d ask some questions to find out why she is wanting to do this.
OP says
Yes, we’ve talked about it and she wants to make more money in general. I can’t fault her for being a working woman with hustle!
Anonymous says
Is she really trying to use this “suggestion” as leverage to get a raise?
OP says
I have wondered about that! I think where it’s coming from is she’s met a few women who run nanny shares — think 5-6 kids, to where they are at the legal limit before they need licenses.
I don’t think we can give her a raise, we pay $21 per hour and we are in a mid size city with a reasonable cost of living. And we wouldn’t be able to get to the amount of money a nanny share seems to take in here.
Anonymous says
5 – 6 kids isn’t a nanny share, it’s an unlicensed in-home day care. Does she really think she can charge each family a nanny rate for that.
OP says
I’m not sure what the rate for those families of the nanny share are, I imagine much less. But even at $10 per hour per kid, five kids means $50 per hour.
Anon says
Is she proposing 5 kids in your house? Because that’s a whole different game from a nanny share of just your twins and one other toddler.
Anon Lawyer says
If you were going to add one other kid, which doesn’t seem crazy per se for that age group, what about raising her rate to something like $30 and then splitting it like $18 to you and $12 to the other family? You’d get a little bit of a discount, she’d get more money, and the other family would get a great deal. Plus you’d keep her happy for another year which sounds worth it. 5 kids seems crazy but 3 doesn’t necessarily.
Anonymous says
At $10 per hour per kid you are still paying $20 per hour for twins, for much less attention than they were previously getting.
Anon says
Agreed that 5-6 kids is an unlicensed in-home daycare. The only people I know in nanny shares have 1 kid and share the nanny with another family with only 1 kid, so the nanny is still caring for just 2. I guess 3 kids would be ok, since plenty of families have 3 kids but anything more than that seems fishy to me.
Anonymous says
It’s bizarre (and inappropriate) to me that the nanny would initiate this ask.
I moved from a nanny to a nanny share, and it was a disaster. I don’t want to get into the details, but it ended with me firing the nanny, falling out with the mom of the other family, and switching my kids to daycare. Daycare was really the best choice for our family, but getting there didn’t need to be so painful.
I’d think hard about what you like about your current arrangement and whether a nanny share compromises that.
Anonymous says
After scrolling through the responses, it sounds like she wants more money than you’re willing to pay, and you are thinking about this because you don’t want to lose someone you have a positive relationship with. I don’t think the answer to that is a nanny share, the answer is going your separate ways. You should find someone who better fits with your needs/schedule once your kids are in preschool, and she should apply to work for people who are already in the market for a nanny share.
OP says
Yes I think that’s a real possibility. Because we love her and she loves our kids I am wondering if there’s a way to hobble along for this next year. She goes to grad school in the fall of 2022, and was planning on working part time for us then. I was so looking forward to a long term relationship and also not having to recreate a care relationship.
Anon says
as a fellow twin parent who will still be paying for our nanny while our twins are in preschool and we will be hemorrhaging money in childcare i feel you. we’ve decided we are going to make it work for a year bc we truly love our nanny. our nanny hasn’t asked about more money or anything like that (ours is more of a career nanny) but we give her a small raise each year. i realize this is a very privileged position to be in, but the thought of losing her is so stressful to us, we are prioritizing this
Anonymous says
I totally understand! It sounds like your nanny is a young adult… Managing multiple households’ worth of input and minimizing conflict is a skill, and it’s not one that all 20-somethings have mastered. Unless both you and the other family(ies) are very unopinionated, there will be friction, and she will be in the middle. Think the forming-storming-norming-performing process, except with all the emotions of parenting tied up in it. I’d ask her specifically about how she envisions handling it. If she hasn’t thought past “I couldn’t make so much more $$” to the practical realities of how her role would change, hard pass.
AnotherAnon says
This. If she needs more money and you cannot pay her more (which are both completely reasonable positions!), the answer is for you to go your separate ways. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh: I just don’t see this working out well if you continue to employ her in a capacity that is not what you want or originally agreed upon.
Anonymous says
I think the best way to approach this would be to tell her what you are comfortable with. If that’s not doing a nanny share, tell her now so you can both start looking and part amicably. If it’s one other kid in the same age as your kids, tell her what you would pay so she can evaluate the option. You said you pay $21/hr for your 2 kids (seems a bit low to me for an experienced nanny FWIW). Maybe she’d get $28-30 in a share with another kid? But it seems like you would pay more than half of that, since you have 2 of the 3 kids.
If what she’s actually thinking is adding a few more kids, that would be a nonstarter for me. And if it’s in your home — I assume you would have liability, your home would be a perpetual mess, and working from home would be impossible unless you have a set up with multiple kitchens, living spaces, etc.
NYCer says
Agree with all of this. Be upfront ASAP so you and the nanny can get on the same page. If that means parting ways, then better to figure it out now so you can look for a new nanny and she can look for a new job. Personally, I would not be interested in a nanny share, so her suggestion would be a non-starter for me.
That being said, I know that lots of nannies in NYC are looking for 50 hours a week, so maybe your family just isn’t a good fit for her anymore. Do you think she would be open to picking up some extra hours on a weekend with another family?
Also… I don’t know where you live, but I am surprised that $21 per hour for twins is considered top dollar in your area.
Anon says
Re: the hours, we pay a high hourly rate ($34/hour) because we only wanted 40 hours a week, and most in our area (NYC burbs) want 50 hours/week. We needed the weekly salary to be in line with what a nanny could expect to earn at the going rate for 50 hours/week in order to be competitive.
Anonymous says
Just a thought…. why only 40? could you get 45 hours for the same price? that extra hour a day would be SO HELPFUL. (at least to me)
Anon @ 2:18 says
Fair question. We absolutely could have done 45 hours for the same price. But I wanted to commit myself to only working 40 hours (with some occasional morning or evening time when daughter is asleep). Time with her means more to me than anything.
Anonymous says
After reading through the responses, my gut is that the nanny is wanting to move to a nanny share whether it is with you or not. She has a good relationship with you, so she figured she’d at least ask if it would interest you instead of assuming the answer is no. I don’t think you can fault her for that. In a different type of employment situation, we’d all praise her for asking for what she wants. But I agree with others that you both should have an honest discussion about it so you can move forward with the least amount of disruption to your family.
Anonymous says
So I read through the comments. As a mom of 3 kids, I would strongly advise you not to agree to anything more than 3 kids total (including twins!) at any one time. Yes, 4 kids is possible and yes, some states allow 4:1 in childcare settings but with toddlers — who I assume may or may not be runners and/or potty training– you really don’t want to get to 4:1. If she’s thinking somehting like 5 kids at once at $10 per kid per hour, you are now paying $1 less per hour for way less 1:1 attention. Also, surely she can’t expect this 5-6 kid setup to be hosted at your home.
if you can afford it, offer her a raise to $25/hr if keeping her is that important. Otherwise, time to shop for a new nanny.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’d be curious what the state rules on nanny share vs. having to get a license as a home daycare are. I would hope anything more than 3 kids would require a license but I can see a situation where a nanny share turns from 2 to 4 kids when each older kid gets a sibling. Although that is a LOT of kids for one person to handle, much less a 20 something year old.
Spirograph says
“She’d look for a family near us and we would of course have final say.”
IME, and from talking with friends, the success of a share is highly dependent on the families being on the same page about expectations (location, schedule, food, activities) parenting styles, general vibe. I don’t know whether your nanny is in a great position to evaluate this on your behalf. You will 100% need to interview the other family, at a minimum. If you are OK going down this road, start now with thinking about and researching the types of questions you want to ask and interactions you want to have before agreeing to the arrangement.
AnonForThis says
My SIL is getting married in Alabama on Labor Day Weekend. Am I silly to be worried about traveling there with our toddler and baby? We’re fully vaccinated and I assume baby is too since I got vaccinated while pregnant, but toddler obviously can’t be vaccinated yet. I don’t think we can get out of going so I don’t even know why I’m asking but the delta variant and low vaccination rates there have me worried.
Anonymous says
Baby isn’t fully vaccinated, for starters.
So your question is really “should I travel with two unvaccinated kids to a large maskless indoor (?) gathering in a state that isn’t good at vaccines.”
Up to you but you certainly can get out of it. Would it be possible to leave your kids home? Have your spouse go without you and kids?
Anonymous says
+1. If you don’t have someone who can stay with the kids, I’d have your husband go alone. At least in my experience, it wasn’t unusual for a couple with small children to send only one parent to a wedding while the other stayed home with the kids even in the Before Times.
AnonForThis says
The wedding is outdoors (in the Alabama heat ughh) and we’re coming from the northeast on a direct flight.
Anonymous says
“Outdoors” often means that the reception is in a tent, which may not have good ventilation and may be super hot. It sounds miserable, COVID or not.
Anonymous says
You don’t say where you’re traveling from. But I’d for sure be worried. If you could drive, I would drive, stay for the ceremony if possible to be distanced/masked, and plan to not be at the party at all. Can your spouse (if it’s their sister) go alone, and you get some help with the kids at home?
Anon says
If this was my family, my husband would go, I’d stay home with the kids, and he would SHUT DOWN anyone who dared to complain about the fact that we weren’t all there.
avocado says
This exactly.
NYCer says
Do you have someone who can stay with your kids at home? Otherwise, can you try to find someone who can babysit them in Alabama while you’re at the wedding, so at least they aren’t exposed to a large crowd?
Also, I would really not assume that your baby is “vaccinated” just because you got vaccinated during pregnancy.
anon says
I have a similar problem. My best friend from college is getting married in early October in Denver. I’m in the wedding party, as is toddler. Best friend was a bridesmaid in my wedding and in our other close friend’s wedding and it is finally her wedding (she has postponed twice due to Covid). I really want to be there for her but I don’t know what to do about my unvaccinated toddler. It won’t help that our other close friend with a toddler will be going with her preschooler (she has a different risk tolerance than me – not crazy but is ok with flying and her preschooler is older and better at wearing a mask than my toddler). Oh and for fun assuming current pregnancy sticks I’ll be about 20 weeks pregnant. DH thinks it would be an unnecessary risk to bring toddler. I don’t have anyone I can leave her with (other than DH) and we are on the east coast so driving isn’t really an option. Also driving doesn’t solve the actual wedding problem. And I’m fairly certain if we travel out of state our preschool will make us quarantine for at least a week and test negative before returning (which is sensible but makes childcare a struggle). So, at the moment I’m leaning towards going on my own, quarantining on return and testing. It feels so unfair to my best friend, but I think its the best I can do.
AwayEmily says
On the bright side, going alone will make so many logistical issues easier. You can stay out late with her (well, as late as you can manage at 20 weeks pregnant), you can help with last-minute errands without having to schedule childcare, you can be totally present at the ceremony without having to manage a toddler, etc.
Anonymous says
You are planning to go yourself. I don’t see how not bringing your toddler is “unfair” to your friend. Even if you were willing to expose your toddler to the health risk, the day care quarantine requirement would be reason enough to go alone. And your friend will probably be happier if you are 100% focused on her and not wrangling your family.
Anonymous says
This. I’d blame the childcare issues with daycare requiring quarantine and bill it as being excited to be 100% focused on her.
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is unfair at all? You’ll be there! That’s what matters
Anon says
That sounds very reasonable to me. Even without Covid I feel like it’s a tall ask to travel to a wedding with a toddler in tow.
Anonymous says
Going alone sounds great. No offense to your child, but it is hard for me to imagine that she will care that much about one less toddler in the wedding party.
Anonymous says
Right, but you should discuss it with her now so she can make other arrangements if she wishes and possibly still be able to leave toddler off the program.
anon says
anon from above — It is a kid friendly / family friendly wedding. BF has never met my toddler and we have never had all the kids from our college friend group together, so me not bringing my toddler will somewhat compromise that experience for BF. As far as I know most people coming to the wedding are planning to bring their kids (range in age from about 6 months to late teen and most have to travel). I only mentioned the other good friend because her circumstances are most similar to mine and she will be bringing her preschooler. There are several toddler/preschoolers in the wedding party and an afternoon of kid stuff planned the day before the wedding. Best friend’s partner has a child from a previous relationship. BF’s siblings between them have 4 kids. Ultimately I know its my decision, it just feels unfair to me because she’s had to postpone and even with the postponement I’m still not going to be there the way she wants me too / I would be without COVID.
Boston Legal Eagle says
As a person who close friends all have kids, while I enjoy seeing their kids, I wouldn’t be that upset if they couldn’t bring their kids to my wedding (or another large party that I would have now). I would be upset if they couldn’t come, but, especially now with Covid uncertainty, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to not bring your kid. Not sure what it would compromise? Travelling solo before you have 2 kids to deal with sounds fun too!
Anonymous says
I asked a similar question a couple weeks ago, and after watching the case rates and news about delta variant, we decided to postpone our trip to visit anti-vax family in a state with bad overall vaccination rates. It’s DH’s family, and he handled messaging to them that we’re not comfortable visiting until our kids are vaccinated. They were understanding, and it doesn’t seem like there’s much fallout.
Obviously you can’t postpone the wedding, but personally, I’d skip this. Send your husband (assuming he wants to be there for his sister) and stay home with the kids. A wedding with a baby and toddler in tow isn’t my idea of a good time anyway.
Mary Moo Cow says
As a former AL resident, flying to an outdoor wedding in Alabama at the end of the summer with toddler and baby, sounds miserable to me. It is going to be so hot, and the kids will be off schedule, in a different time zone, and if the wedding is in the evening, in the prime witching hour, you will not be able to enjoy it. I would have DH go and represent the family, genuinely expressing how sorry you all are the whole family can’t go, or find someone to watch toddler and baby at home while just parents go (with full disclosure that I skipped two weddings when my kid was an infant because I couldn’t bear to be apart and was really committed to nursing.)
Anon says
The statewide vaccination rate is absolutely not representative of the vaccination rate of where you are going or the wedding you will be attending. My family lives in Alabama, and they do not know anyone who is not vaccinated. My guess is that vaccination rates in Birmingham or Huntsville would be comparable to the Northeast. In rural areas, pretty much no one is vaccinated.
That being said– It does not seem like you should go with your comfort level. There is a pretty decent likelihood part of the wedding may be indoors due to rain. Also, you will have family/friends coming up to see the baby and toddler the entire time, even if you think they won’t or ask them not to, and you will not have any control over that once you’re there.
Anonymous says
This is a good point with travel anywhere. Within NYC, for example, the rate between zipcodes varies from more than 100% (no idea how this is measured) to less than 40%.
Anonymous says
That last part is a big deal. We were recently at a family funeral and were so uncomfortable with people coming over to our little kids without masks on (while my kids were eating, so the one that is old enough to mask was not masked). Honestly, before that experience, I would have considered attending an outdoor wedding with the kids. But now, no way. It was very stressful.
AnonForThis says
It’s in Fair Hope, AL.
Anon says
I’m in a different red state that has an overall higher vax rate than Alabama but lower than the national average, and am really skeptical that any part of Alabama is comparable to Mass or Vermont. The most-vaxxed county in my state has 64% of adults with one dose. Most of the northeast is 75-80%, which is not an insignificant difference. You can probably look up the county you’re going to and know for sure though.
Keep in mind the elderly in every state have extremely high vaccination rates (in my red state it’s 81% of people 65+ with one dose and 88% nationwide), which is probably why your parents don’t know anyone who is unvaxxed. Unfortunately vaccination rates among people under 50 are terrible in many red states.
Anon says
Also keep in mind cities may have lagging vax rates if they have large Black or Latino populations, because overall white people have much higher vaccination rates. The highest-vaxxed county in my state is actually a red suburban county full of wealthy, educated white people, not the county with our capital city, even though that city/county is dark blue. The reason is that the city has a lot of Black people and that community has more vaccine hesitancy than educated, suburban white people (rural, uneducated white people have the most hesitancy of all).
Anonymous says
I live in MA with 3 unvaccinated kids <12. DH and I are both vaccinated. Nobody in our family is any kind of high risk at all. I would take the kids to this event. This is a personal weighing of risks and benefits, of course. Yes, there is a chance that my kids could get COVID, and if they do, there is a chance that they could get a very severe case. The liklihood of that happening is so low that we are willing to chance it. That said, my kids went to school in person all year and we do indoor activities (wearing masks when it's crowded; I allow them to unmask, when allowed, if it's not crowded– like the grocery store at 7am!).
Anonymous says
If it makes you feel better, about 1 in 1750 people in Alabama is contagious with Covid right now. (They are measuring ~200 cases a day. I assume every person is contagious for 7 days and that another 200 cases are never tested.) If you’re really nervous, the hotel or your family might be able to suggest babysitters which would reduce the kids’ exposure.)
Anonymous says
Assuming that there are 5x as many positive cases as are reported, there is a 28.4% chance that at least one person at a 200-person wedding reception in Alabama is infected. Assuming that every case is reported, there’s a 6.4% chance that at least one person at the gathering is infected.
https://covid19risk.biosci.gatech.edu/
anon1216 says
Absolutely, the size of the wedding is really important for this kind of calculation. Also, what you’re doing is really important. If the OP wants to reduce her risk she could, for example, try to avoid the food area.
I wonder if they’re undercounting by a factor of 5, which would mean that about half of the population in the US has already had Covid and explain why cases started to drop so precipitously early in the vaccination process.
Anon says
Most experts I follow think we’re undercounting by an overall factor of 2.5-3 (more earlier in the pandemic, less now) and there are about 100M in the US who’ve had Covid. Natural infection is definitely contributing to herd immunity and I believe that’s why we didn’t have a major surge from the Alpha (UK variant), although Delta is going to move the herd immunity threshold a lot higher, probably over 80%. Assuming people who were infected get the vaccine at the same rate as uninfected people (which I know is debatable) we likely have about 65% of the US with immunity (62 or 67, depending on whether you use the one dose or fully vaxxed numbers) and Delta is going to wreak havoc on that remaining 35%. Probably at least half that group is going to have infected or vaccinated before we see the numbers trend down again.
Mm says
I know this has been asked here before, but google is failing me. How did you decide whether to keep clothes and other baby stuff, and what did you keep versus give away? For some background, we are 75% sure we are one and done, and if we were to have another it would probably be a couple of years from now. We have plenty of basement space, and have already started giving away or selling the big items (swing, carseat, etc) and a few of the smaller items. But I have a few containers of clothes that I still feel attached to, along with a few things that were just so helpful to have that I became attached to them too. It feels wasteful to keep holding onto it based on sentimentality and that future possibility of another, but it’s hard to let go. Sometimes stuff isn’t just stuff!
AwayEmily says
We were 75% sure we were done and so two years ago we started giving away the big stuff (diaper pail, changing pads, swing) and then the smaller stuff (clothes, shoes) to friends with new babies. I think now I only have a few sentimental baby clothes and the crib left. And then the final 25% kicked in and now I’m pregnant…but I don’t regret giving any of that stuff away — I can borrow what I need from someone else, or buy new if I have to. And I’m glad I held onto the sentimental stuff. So I guess, don’t rush, but also don’t worry too much about optimizing. It’ll all work out.
Mary Moo Cow says
I think it’s helpful to set aside some time to go through the containers by yourself, and honestly assess what would still be useful with a new baby and what can go to a new home. For example, clothes or items with stains, holes, etc.: trash. Neutral/non-gendered clothes and items that are in good shape I would divide into sentimental, keep just in case, and give to a friend or sell or donate. I am a sentimental hoarder, so I need limits, and what works for me is one pretty Bisgo box for sentimental storage for each kid and one large plastic tub for clothes and items for just in case. Having the pre-determined limit, and the pretty boxes, really helps me see stuff with a critical eye. For example, instead of all 12 monogramed burp clothes my mom made, I kept 1, and 1 hospital blanket instead of 3, etc. But I was only able to do that when my youngest was 2 — any time before that, I convinced myself I needed to keep it all. Also, be gentle on yourself: sometimes stuff is worth keeping!
Anonymous says
I kept only really really sentimental clothing and gifts (handmade stuff or gifts from people who have since died) with my most likely only child. Anything really helpful could easily be replaced, most likely for next to nothing (used baby gear is so, so easy to come by), and right now it could be helping someone else. Caveat that we live in an NYC apartment so we have to be somewhat ruthless about keeping stuff.
Anon says
We kept a lot. I hate having to buy or track down baby stuff again so until we were 100% on being done, I hung on to what we’d use again.
We’re now 100% done with at least one sex child! So gave away some of his clothes. For girl clothes, ODD is very sentimental – she LOVES wearing hand me downs of mine that my mom kept – so I’m likely to keep some of her favorite things and certainly her favorite fancy things or ones my mom made for her to have one day for her kids, if it comes up.
Anon says
My parents are basically h0arders who have a tiny house overflowing with stuff, so I’ve gone in the opposite direction and gotten rid of pretty much everything. I have a small bin where I’ve saved a handful of clothing items and a few pieces of art, but everything else gets tossed. I make photo books for every year of my kid’s life and consider that to be my main “souvenir” of her childhood. When I had a baby my parents showed up with a literal truckload of my old stuff (clothes, toys, boardgames, stuffed animals etc) and I felt very guilty throwing it away, because they had saved it for 30+ years. It’s really important to me to not do that to my kid and to be able to just give her a few boxes of stuff if/when she has a baby. That said, if you don’t feel ready to get rid of it now and have the space to store it, there’s no huge rush.
Anonymous says
One other consideration is hospitality and what’s useful to keep. My parents kept a LOT of our toys and just general little kid items because they are always having friends with kids over – that stuff got used at least monthly for 30 + years. If you have space it’s great to keep some of it. We will be keeping at least a booster seat and pack n play once our kids outgrow them (in like 2 months, ha) to facilitate visits by friends and family.
Anon says
the other week someone recommended a water bottle for their kid who likes to chew on straws. i can’t find the post. any recs?
Anonymous says
Wasn’t me, but we just got our kiddo a Bubba water bottle that doesn’t have a straw, but the drinking spout is smaller. My own Camelbak is similar, but large for a kiddo. Maybe they have that style in other sizes though. Lots of stainless steel ones don’t have straws.
Anon says
That might have been me! We use the Nalgene grip-n-gulp bottles which have a plastic spout that holds up to my kids’ teeth. Anything like a camelback with a softer mouthpiece is destroyed within a week. (Why yes, I do also have the kind of kids that chew bits off of all chew toys that are not the “extreme toughness” variety.)
Anon says
I posted yesterday about telling kids about a grandparent death – thank you! I think it went well today!
My follow-up question is what age do you start taking kids to funeral services (in this case in a church, family only). We do have to fly to the destination. My 6 year old is mature and would behave and would probably like to see her out of town cousins. But her almost 5 year old brother wouldn’t really get it, and her 2 year old sister is a total wild card. I’m considering taking the 6 year old but wondering if that’s more for me than for her. And it might cause problems to leave the 5 year old in town, even if the trip is for this reason, he’ll certainly feel left out. Easiest is probably to just leave all three of them – we’re flying up and back in a day – but I also specifically remember not being invited to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 8 and wanting to go. That’s a big two years later though.
Anonymous says
Given the covid situation and with them being unvaccinated, I would leave them. Age 8 is different. Especially where they have not seen her recently.
I would plan a remembrance of her in your own town to do with your kids. DH’s Dad lived on another continent and we remember his passing every year with a family walk and lighting a candle in a special viewing point. DH also planted his dad’s favorite kind of tree in our garden as a spot to remember.
Anonymous says
I think a big consideration is whether the casket will be there. Even a closed casket is absolutely terrifying to some young children.
Anon says
I don’t believe it will be. I am liking the idea of celebrating her at home. Maybe making some of her recipes.
Sadly I was also thinking she’d like to see her second cousins – but that’s not a good reason to travel to a funeral! I should probably just make that happen another time too.
Anon says
I think it’s helpful for the parent who lost their parent to fly to the funeral alone and leave kids with spouse. It’s really hard to grieve when taking care of young kids and going to the funeral alone allows the parent some time to grieve and to take care of any estate details that need sorting.
I fully support showing kids that crying is normal, but there’s a level of sobbing I didn’t want my little kids to see. Also, it’s good to shield little kids from terrible, greedy, selfish relatives, if that’s a factor.
EDAnon says
I am the non-parent death person from yesterday. We took our kids (3 and baby. This was pre-COVID). I played with them in the church “cry room” which let my husband mourn more (it was his aunt). I was also close with his aunt though and would have liked to be more present for the service. I do think it was good for the older one who is now 4 and kind of remembers.
My parents didn’t take me to a funeral until I was 13 (some of which was just good luck for our family) and I found it incredibly hard. It may sound weird but I wished I had attended a funeral younger so I had more of an understanding of it.
None of that is answering the question but it’s good for thought I guess!