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Maternity Monday: Twinkle Maternity Dress

Maternity· Recent Recs

Dote Twinkle Maternity DressI always feel like a basic black dress is a must-have for pregnancy. I like that this one has a high neckline, and I think it could be worn a few different ways — which always helps to avoid overspending on your maternity wardrobe (as discussed in our eBook on maternity style). Try it layered with a thin turtleneck or long-sleeved tee beneath it, worn with a waterfall cardigan or blazer on top of it, and even belted (above the bump, obviously) or plain. The dress was $109, but is now marked to $87.20 at Amazon — and use code 20OFFVET to take another 20% off. Dote Twinkle Maternity Dress (Amazon sales can sometimes be so confusing — here’s a direct link to the maternity sale section, kids section, and women’s section — if you’re really on the hunt for a deal note that you can filter by % off, as well as Prime eligible only.)    

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Sales of Note…

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
  • Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 30% off Easter and spring to summer styles
  • Carter’s – Extra 20% off spring sets = up to 60% off
  • buybuyBaby – Spring sale: Up to 40% off

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Comments

  1. witty sayings or advice please says

    I am not the formerly preg 3L.

    A month ago, my husband of five years and I came to an agreement that we would spend two weeks apart to try to regroup over some serious things that had happened involving him losing his temper that genuinely endangered our safety. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back involving his temper. He moved out. Those two weeks came and went. He did not move back in. This weekend he told me that he is not moving back, and that the problem is me and called me names that were just horrible and that I can’t possibly imagine calling anyone ever.
    And I learned at 6:00 this morning he has taken significant steps to be separate at least long-term, if not permanently. We have an 18-month-old and I am in the third trimester pregnant with our second. (I am afraid this is about to out me to a coworker who might read this blog but I do not have the mental capacity to tweak facts). The last month has been hard but doable, in large part because I thought we were moving together towards a solution. Suddenly I am learning that he might actually be leaving me, or at least that he has decided he’d rather leave me than work on his temper. I’m exhausted, I don’t know what the right next step is, and I feel like someone is ripping my heart apart inside of me. Lest you think I am an Alanis Morissette cassette, I’m also a successful attorney in her early 30s.
    I had to come into work an hour late because I could not pull my sh*t together. I have already had to go to the ladies room once because I could not stop crying. Somehow I can keep it totally together around our son, but as soon as I am in adult-only land, I am a complete mess.

    Any tips/advice/wise sayings – all I need is advice to pull my act together until 5PM. Probably every day this week.

    • Anonyc says

      Super, extra big hugs. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have less concrete or practical advice than others may have, but in terms of making it through the rest of the day: do you have any good bosses who you can alert that some major personal issues are afoot, and that you may need time? Can you call your parents, siblings, or friends for some help? I think anyone in your situation would be a wreck; is there any way that you can take the day off and take care of yourself? I hope that work is not so inhumane that you can’t get out for something this life-altering. And as noted, your safety and health (mental and physical) and that of your children are paramount.

    • MomAnon4This says

      To do list:
      #1. Call a therapist for you. Sorry, I love therapy. If you don’t have a therapist on speed-dial, call your ob/gyne, ask for a list to be emailed to you. Take an hour, call everyone on the list and ask for an appointment. Ask the therapist if you need more of a social worker to walk you through the next few months.
      #2. Call a family lawyer. Set up an appointment. This week, next week, whatever. Similar, Ask the lawyer if you need more of a social worker to walk you through the next few months.
      #3. Call a friend. Ask her to come over, tell her it’s a family emergency and you need a girlfriend, even without wine :) Talk.
      #4. Tell the principal of your child’s daycare or school what’s going on. Your child may be stressed. You may need financial support.

      Hugs. What has happened to you is not normal. Your reaction to it IS normal.

    • ANP says

      Go home. Seriously! Tell your boss it’s a family emergency and get out of work. There is NOTHING that can’t be passed off in this situation (well, almost nothing).

      And I second the advice to call a therapist, a lawyer, and/or a friend or family member. Immediate triage. Also take a look at any shared or joint bank accounts — he’s got the jump on you in terms of planning and I would do what you need to in order to protect yourself.

      Most important things: you are safe. You will get through this. Don’t worry about the long term future — your job is to take care of things one day at a time.

    • Spirograph says

      Oh, honey, I am so sorry. From one mother of an 18 month old and 3rd trimester pregnant with a second to another I just want to give you a big, big hug. Do you have family nearby? Friends? Awesome babysitters? Can you plan for one of them to be with your child for one evening so you can just take some deep breaths and think through things (or at least have a really good cry over a small glass of wine or hot chocolate)? Or if not, can you take a personal day or two this week while you have regular childcare arrangements? Actually, take a personal day no matter what – no reasonable boss would expect you to work through a situation like this unfazed. I am a planner/list-maker, so I would want to write down my next steps and some semblance of a plan – even if just a list of things I need to think about and appointments I need to make – just to feel like I was taking back some kind of control. Doing that after a full day’s work and wrangling a toddler into bed while battling pregnancy hormones AND emotional pain is impossible, so please call in some help.

      • Burgher says

        …and as yet another mom with a toddler and in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, I think you are doing a wonderful job if you are functioning whatsoever. I can barely keep it together right now without anything crazy going on.

        Cut yourself a break and remember that you are having a normal reaction to something like this. Don’t beat yourself up if you have to go cry in the ladies room. Get rid of anything that might be triggering you from your desk if you haven’t already.

    • CHJ says

      I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am reminded of the day my grandmother died, when I started crying in my boss’s office despite trying to hold it together, and he said “This is one of those times when you’re allowed to just go. Take the day off, go home, whatever you need. Don’t kill yourself trying to hold it together.” The same is true for a horrible day like yours. Can you take a few days off just to get your feet under you? Sometimes forcing yourself to hold it together makes it that much harder to get through the day.

      And if you can’t take the day off? Chocolate. Preferably a big, thick bar of dark chocolate that you can eat in big chunks. I don’t know how it works, but it does. =)

    • KJ says

      Oh wow, that is a lot of really intense stuff going on. I don’t think anyone would be able to keep her sh!t together in this situation! You’ve gotten a lot of really good advice already, but my two cents about how to make it through the day (if you can’t or don’t want to go home) is to focus on really tiny chunks of it. Make a list of all the work related things you want to accomplish, breaking everything down into small tasks, like “call X” or “print Y, then read Y.” Think about how you want to spend the next 15 minutes. Then once that’s over, think about the next 15 minutes. Tell yourself, “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

    • Pogo says

      Agree with everyone that your reaction is totally normal. I teared up a little reading your post, I just want to give you a hug! I also understand the feeling that you need to be at work and put on a brave face, no matter what. If you must stay at work, take frequent breaks to go outside or walk the halls to clear your head and get away from coworkers.

      I agree with all the other advice, but a therapist, lawyer, or even friends might be days away from help. Do what you can immediately – I remember advice on the main site once on surviving a rough (emotionally or physically) day at the office to get a massage in the middle of the afternoon (often you can get in right away at a spa/health club). I used this trick SO MANY times at my old job. I would say, “I have to go to the chiropractor” (or physical therapist, whatever) and peace out for an hour. Massage therapists are also used to people breaking down and crying. Or maybe you’ll finally relax enough to catch a nap. Just do whatever you can for yourself immediately. If you’re in a good place physically and mentally, everything else will be (marginally) easier.

      ((hugs))

    • Anon says

      Do you have any colleagues who can pinch-hit for you right now? If so, it’s time to hit them up. I don’t necessarily mean close-friends-at-work. If any of my colleagues walked into my office and said”I’m having a family emergency and I need to be away from the office for a few days,” my immediate response would be “I’m so sorry – how can I help/what do you need?”

    • sfg says

      Big hugs from an Internet stranger – nothing to add on top of what everyone else has said…

    • witty sayings or advice please says

      OP here – I just want to say thank you to everyone. I and another attorney have a significant trial on Wednesday, so I am not in a position to take off until Thursday, but I’ve found that setting a timer for 20 minute increments is helping me out. We just got home last night from visiting my mother who had a surgery complication last week and is now home but bedridden and requiring the hourly help of my family, and then this this morning – I am just in this perfect storm right now. I have already scheduled to take most of Thursday off and am working towards that as my goal. Sometimes just knowing when I will be able to release all of these emotions helps me to compartmentalize a little better. This morning I felt like I was tumbling down a staircase of emotion with no end in sight.

      • KJ says

        Oh my gosh, kudos to you just for not being in the fetal position under your desk. Seriously, that is a lot to have going on. Good luck with everything.

      • JJ says

        Hugs and happy thoughts to you. I don’t have much to add, but I wanted you to know that I’ll be thinking about you.

  2. greenie says

    Your safety and your children’s safety is your #1 concern right now… and he is not willing to address or fix his anger issues. Do not allow any of his blaming or name calling change your mind about this. Although there will be a whirlwind of emotion and uncertainty about the relationship, it is best that he is out of the house and the picture right now. Take care of yourself the best you can- you deserve to be loved and feel safe in your own home / in your relationship.

  3. Plus-size maternity brands says

    OK, I can’t hide anything anymore – I’m overweight AND need new (or used) maternity clothes that mostly fit. Think winter jackets, work pants, button shirts and accessories.

    What brands are good for us larger women as we’re expecting? I’m size 16/18 pants, size 16 to be comfortable in arms, but smaller chest (more pear-shaped). I comfortably wear size 1x.

    I just don’t even know where to start looking. I’m short, too, but at least I have a good tailor!

    • sfg says

      Loft Maternity goes up to 16/18 in pants – might be a good place to start? Not sure if they have any discounts today, but they probably will sometime this week.

    • JJ says

      I’m tall, but wear similar sizes and I found a lot of options at Old Navy and Gap.

    • Meg Murry says

      As a fellow plus sized person, depending on how you carry you also may be able to get away with 1 or 2 sizes up in regular sizes (just hemming if you are short). That’s what I did for months 2-6, and postpartum for 6 months – there is a plus sized consignment/resale shop near me that specializes in size 14 and up (and they also had a maternity section, but I got just as much out of non-maternity as maternity). It was very hit or miss, totally depending on what someone else before me brought in, but I got some great deals.

      In my case I’m very pear shaped, with my backside and hips driving most of my sizing, (waistbands usually gaped or had to be taken in pre-pregnancy) so I was able to just wear one or two sizes up in styles that were more apple than pear shaped. My clothes that were actually maternity were from Target, Old Navy and Motherhood Maternity – nothing was great, and they were all falling apart toward the end, but they were clothes and got the job done. Either look online or call the store first – they may or may not have much plus sized maternity actually in stores, but they do online.

    • rakma says

      In addition to the Old Navy/Target/Motherhood recommendations above, I’m going to strongly second non-maternity clothes in larger sizes. I found that a couple Lands Ends dresses in a size larger than I usually wear were complete workhorses, and some ‘pull on’ (elastic waist without the unattractive gathers) ponte pants from Lane Bryant were perfect for the middle of my pregnancy.

      Also, I skipped the demi-panel and went straight to full panel maternity pants. I know some people lothe the full panel and avoid at all costs, but I found them to be much more comfortable and secure.

    • RR says

      Don’t know if you are still reading, but Gap, Old Navy, Motherhood Maternity. I found a great online option when I was pregnant with my last–Simply Be has a maternity line. They had some fabulous pants options. Even different cuts (wide, boot, skinny). I’m used to “black maternity pants that fit.” Also, JC Penney.

  4. leaning out says

    Does anyone else feel, after having children, that you are just phoning it in? I know that sounds harsh and anti-feminist and whatever, but I truly feel like an impostor since having my first child and returning to work a few years ago. I’m on the cusp of making partner, but I honestly don’t really care. I’m not excited by new work or business development (and the pressure that being partner entails) or making a name for myself or meeting new people. I don’t want to sacrifice my family time to go to networking events and happy hours and I don’t want to find ways to connect with my typical peers and superiors (i.e. white men) by pretending to be interested in fantasy football and I resent having to deepen my voice to be taken seriously (I do what I need to do, but I’m not excited about it). All this was made clear at a recent conference where it seemed like everyone else was super ambitious (like I used to be). I know I don’t want to be a SAHM, but I don’t know how long I can continue fooling everyone in a career I don’t care about…

    • JJ says

      I definitely feel that way to an extent. I’ve told people that my “give a sh!t” about work has drastically decreased since I had kids. I do the business development and the happy hours at night from time to time, but I really would rather just go home and be with my family.

      This came to a head a few weeks ago when I discussed it with my husband. What worked for me was him reminding me that my job is just that: a job. Sometimes in life, it’s ok to just show up, do what needs to be done, and then check back in to your job when it makes more sense in your life. So, I gave myself permission to do a good job, but not kill myself to go that extra mile and to remind myself that this is just a job. There’s no reason that I have to derive a sense of myself from it.

      I’d recommend really thinking about whether these feelings are something that you’ve had that will remain long term, or whether they’re resulting from the stress of being a senior associate facing partnership. If you think you don’t want all the business development and administrative responsibility that goes with being a partner, maybe investigate “senior counsel” or other options that take you off track but more closely match what you want.

      • Meg Murry says

        Yup, I started to give less of a sh!t after my first son was born, and after my second was born I definitely transitioned into my job being just a job that paid the bills and not a highly satisfying career.

        I’ve made some major life changes once I realized I didn’t give a sh!t – but for me, the one that made the biggest difference was that I stopped caring if I loved my job and decided to just go for “not actively hating” my job (doing enough work not to be fired, but not enough to be promoted), and focusing on doing what it took to love my whole overall LIFE.

    • greenie says

      This feeling comes and goes for me. The first 2 years with daughter #1 were like this. Then after daughter # 2 was born I could not wait to get back to work and have a “real” challenge. I was very ambitious for a few more years. Now that daughter # 1 had started kindergarten and we have something *new* again, my brain is there are not really here. I could stay home- but I know that once the novelty of school etc. wears off I’m going to want my career for me. I value education and personal development (and flat out adult interaction that doesn’t revolve around kid talk) and it might not be 100% all of the time, but I know it’s what I want and need to be a happy person.

    • ANP says

      Totally get where you’re coming from, but this ebbs and flows for me. I had a bad summer at work (not me personally, but related to a bunch of PR nightmares at my organization) and had to check out: came in, did a good job, but didn’t overachieve/stay late/log in from home. FWIW, I have two small kids and oftentimes work is an escape from the illogical pressures of childrearing (“What do you mean, you don’t like macaroni and cheese anymore?!?”). I agree with previous posters who asked whether this is a function of where you are at this moment in time, or if it’s a bigger-picture issue.

    • KJ says

      I think I’m still ambitious, but only to the extent that it doesn’t interfere with family time. By that I mean, I’ll hustle for projects that increase my visibility and enhance my skills, but only during my normal working hours. I’m not doing anything that requires travel or evening hours.

      I will also say that there is *nothing* anti-feminist about leaning out. In fact, I think a lot of feminists would say there is nothing feminist about subverting yours own needs and desires to make money for your capitalist overlords. :) I’m exaggerating, of course, but seriously: There is No Moral Imperative to be “Ambitious.”

      • CHJ says

        “I’ll hustle for projects that increase my visibility and enhance my skills, but only during my normal working hours. I’m not doing anything that requires travel or evening hours.”

        Hear, hear!

        • Maddie Ross says

          Second this, too. I don’t feel I’ve “leaned out,” but my evenings and family time are SO much more precious to me now. When it was just me and my husband, I definitely did not mind networking dinners and firm events (usually good food! on the firm dime!). Now, I try and do the bare minimum to keep my name out there with that stuff.

        • ml says

          This. My husband and I have both adopted the mindset a job is just a job. You do the best you can with the 8 hours you’re being paid for, but anything beyond that needs to be prioritized against family, health, hobbies, etc. For us, those other things almost always win.

          I’ve actually found it’s easy to fool people if you just do well at your assigned tasks, even if you make no effort go above and beyond. You can do it indefinitely. I constantly feel like I’m walking around with a giant sign that says, “I’ve been checked out for years!” yet I get promotions and glowing reviews. It’s bizarre.

          • leaning out says

            LOL on the sign and ditto. I feel that every time I attend a group meeting and we’re discussing marketing initiatives and attending events. I guess I just don’t know how sustainable it is to be a partner (even an income partner) with the “just a job during working hours” mentality. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I like most other aspects of my job, including the flexibility, pay and people I work with. But I feel like we’re expected to be more, do more, all the time – what I would want to do if I were as ambitious as the loud-talking male next door who essentially has a SAHW. I don’t know how much longer I can pull off this charade! But I’m afraid that leaving private practice and my job specifically to go in-house would give up all the benefits and I don’t know if it would be worth it.

          • hoola hoopa says

            Exactly this, ml.

            OP, I don’t *care* as much about my job or work as I did. I don’t care about manicuring my CV, tallying my publications, and getting in on the next big collaboration. But while I’m at work I do what needs to be done, contribute meaningfully to teams, catch mistakes, move things forward, etc. I’ve found that’s highly valued without all the extra caring. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of working with someone who is passionate but doesn’t deliver. It’s the delivery that matters.

            I have found a role that genuinely doesn’t expect me to routinely work overtime or travel, but my husband does not. The hours and expectations are similar to law. He works on contracts and constantly thinks he won’t get the next contract because he pushed back on the overtime but he always does, because he’s reliable and does good work.

      • Meg Murry says

        In fact, I think this is what Leaning In is all about – you Lean In early in your career, when you can and want to, so that later in your career if you want to step back a little bit, you can do so because you’ve already paid your dues and proved your worth, and now you are in a position where having a less than 100% commiteed to the job you is still a better deal than a 100% committed young newbie. Leaning In doesn’t necessarily mean you intend to do it your whole.

    • CHJ says

      Me! This is exactly how I feel these days too. I just don’t have it in me to do all the “extras,” like networking or Bar association events. I just want to go home and hang out with my son. Balance is a Crock has a great line in there about how your pre-baby self would totally destroy your post-baby self in the workplace, which has been so very true in my case.

      All that said, my attitude is very similar to JJ’s. Instead of work and career defining who I am, my life has expanded infinitely in richness and meaning since having a kid. Work is now a much smaller part of my identity. I try to do a good job at work, but it’s just a job. Maybe it will morph back into a career when my son is older, or maybe we’ll sock away enough money to semi-retire by the time he’s in elementary school. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, necessarily, to have a bit of perspective and distance from the career-as-your-life mindset.

    • Anon says

      What is it about your work, besides the people and the flexibility, that you do like? Maybe focusing on what that is, and how you can still do that with a bit more family friendly schedule, would help you find something (whether at your firm or elsewhere) that would satisfy you. I don’t know what kind of law you practice, but I was a senior associate litigator at a big firm until recently. I too started to slack off on the business development/firm committee/other non-lawyering BS that is expected of senior associates and really REALLY expected of junior partners. I started to totally not care about my job, even the parts of it – the writing, the research, the building a story – that I really loved. When I stepped back a big and looked at what the life of a junior partner was like, I realized I really, REALLY didn’t want to do that, even if the $$ was fantastic. I started thinking about other options, and ended up where I am now, in a position where I get to actually litigate, but do not travel and do not have the time demands associated with bring at a big law firm. And I’m 100% happier and feeling way more engaged in my work. I hope that, when my kids are older, I can ramp back up if I want to – we’ll see if that’s possible. For now, though, the pay cut was totally worth the trade off. And I’m the breadwinner in our family, so the pay cut meant a lot to us.

      And FWIW, I think feminism is all about being able to make whatever choices you want to about career and family without feeling judged as a woman for making those choices. When I left my big firm job, a few (male) partners made comments about how much better my new role would be for me “as a mom.” It pissed me off, quite honestly. While being a mom has made me shift my priorities, it wasn’t the only reason why I left the job. If being a junior partner didn’t suck so hard, maybe I’d want to stick around.

    • In House Counsel says

      I agree with several commenters that this tends to ebb and flow for me. I recently had a moment where I was (irrationally) jealous of a co-worker (started within a month of each other and have the same title) is recognized for additional work or leadership task she took on knowing full well that in this season in my life, I prefer to do enough and head home to my toddler. Sometimes I feel bad about not caring enough but tell myself the career trajectory is a long one and right now, my main focus is diverted but that doesn’t mean I won’t feel differently in time and want to ramp back up

  5. ECR says

    Babies riding in golf carts: what do you guys think about this? We’re staying at a resort over winter break that relies on golf carts as the primary means of transportation. The resort is huge, and there are very few parking lots. To get to the beach, restaurant, pretty much anywhere, you either use a golf cart or take a very, very long walk. My sister-in-law has put her foot down and said that her kids (ages 2 and 6 months) will not be riding in a golf cart. I’m not sure what to do with my 9 month old. The resort told us that car seats aren’t an option in the golf carts, and even if they were, not sure that would help all that much in the event of a crash.

    Am I crazy for thinking that my baby would be ok in a golf cart if we are really careful and drive slowly? Thoughts?

    • Anonyc says

      Totally rode with my 3-year-old and 7-month-old in a golf cart in a similar situation. It was a blast for the 3-year-old (like, the complete highlight of the trip for him); because there was much (i.e. no) regulation, we put the baby in her carrier or carried her and off we went. I think it’s fine, clearly. Don’t drink and golf cart drive, stick to well-lit paths at night, don’t gun it…. and have fun!! (And if you do decide to live on the [helicopter parenting] edge, hope this doesn’t cause too much of a rift with your SIL.)

    • CHJ says

      I was at a resort like this recently, and we totally rode around in the golf carts with our 1 year old on my lap. He loved it. The carts can’t go very fast anyway, and I can’t imagine a scenario where they would crash. Maybe take a stroller in case you’re not comfortable with the golf carts, and play it by ear when you get there?

    • Maddie Ross says

      I’ve ridden in golf carts for short distances with my daughter (about 1.5 years at the time) in a similar circumstance (transportation at a resort type place). I think so long as there is a one-to-one adult to child ratio and the driver isn’t being an idiot (in my case, it was resort staff, so they were careful), I think you’re fine. I held her on my lap the whole time. Honestly, we didn’t go very fast and I think the biggest concern would be your child not sitting still, not the golf cart crashing or tipping.

    • Spirograph says

      I feel like this is not that different and probably safer than a lot of other situations where a car seat isn’t feasible. Airport or other parking shuttles, basically any public transportation… my child has been in plenty of moving vehicles (but never a car!) without being restrained in a car seat and lived to tell the tale. I wouldn’t think twice about it. I also suspect your sister in law will change her mind after a day or two of leaving a half hour ahead of everyone else to get anywhere and schlepping all the stuff she’ll need for those two little kids.

    • Meg Murry says

      When we went on vacation to an island that used golf carts to get around, they required us to rent one with a carseat strapped into it – so carseat in golf cart is do-able.

      I think with a young enough baby, holding them is fine, but if her 2 year old is especially wiggly or prone to thrashing tantrums, I can see her refusal – because I can totally see my 2 year old throwing a sudden fit and hurling himself out of my arms while on a moving cart. I don’t see the carseat as being protection against a crash, I see the carseat as being protection against himself.

      Will the golf carts have seat belts? Could she use something like CARES to strap the 2 year old down in the seat?

    • hoola hoopa says

      I don’t think a crash is the major concern. I think that would be the infant bouncing out and getting run over. Wearing them in a carrier would prevent that.

      FWIW, an infant carseat carrier with the arm up is definitely safer in a crash compared to a loose body. Not even close.

      • Pregnancy wuss says

        The baby falling out would be my biggest concern – what about popping the infant in a baby carrier? That would keep him/her secure, even in the event of a minor mishap.

  6. mascot says

    Will there be two adults in the cart and baby can just sit in the middle? We’ve gone golfing with a 1 year and 3 year old (separate carts, each with two adults) and the kids stayed seated with no issues.
    One word of caution, make sure that the cart is turned to off or has a really good parking brake option when stopped/parked. It’s not fun to go chasing down a cart when a toddler plops down next to the accelerator. Fortunately, the carts don’t go that fast and everyone was totally fine.

  7. Childbirth and SO participation/presence says

    My SO recently expressed a strong desire NOT to watch childbirth. I wasn’t too surprised, frankly, as he is a little bit squeamish. Can anyone who has been in my shoes let me know how you handled this? Did you hire a doula/ask your mom or sister to be there? Was your SO actually in the room but just with his head facing your/back to the business end?

    • Anonymous says

      I don’t want my SO present at mine but understand it’s important for him so he will be there.

      I was just planing to have a doula at mine with the medical staff.

    • pockets says

      Does he want to be in the room at all? If he’s in the room he *could* just look at you and not at the main event, but it might be hard for him not to catch of glimpse of what’s going on. If he’s not going to be there you’ll definitely want another support person to help you concentrate and focus on the end.

      • Anonymous says

        This.

        I suspect he’d benefit from talking with your provider and/or other fathers. I think there’s a lot of stuff out in movies and even childbirth class that make it seem way worse than it is in real life. Real time birth of your child is nothing like watching a birth video, he doesn’t have to cut the cord or be on the working end, etc.

        I’d get a doula. Friends did because the father-to-be has a history of fainting in medical situations. He ended up being able to participate through the whole thing (including emergency C-section! on the head side of the curtain, obviously), but it was a huge pressure reducer for both of them to have a doula there to step in if he needed.

    • Anonymous says

      I assume you’re already pregnant. If so, he may change how he feels when you’re in labor. If you’re not pregnant, he may change how he feels when he sees you visibly pregnant (ie, past first trimester) and sees sonograms of his new baby! Regardless, get a doula.

      • (former) preg 3L says

        Sorry, this was me. My H was in the room and it happened so fast that he watched the whole thing. We had discussed that he didn’t want to watch beforehand.

    • watching it all says

      I think it’s reasonable for him not to want to watch the business end (though I think it’s pretty common for most fathers to see everything these days). Way back before I was even pregnant, I read an article about how seeing a baby emerge makes men think of their partners’ parts in a whole different way (obviously), and not in a way that is positive for your post-child love life. While this may not be true for many men, I think there’s some truth to it. I don’t think that’s a reason for making him stay by your head, but if he’s up there anyway, it’s an added perk that you don’t have to worry about that happening!

    • mascot says

      A couple of things that surprised us in the delivery room. The distance between my head and my pelvis when I was pushing/in stirrups was closer than you might think. Granted, I am short-torsoed but still. I also found a mirror really helpful to see what was going on and motivate me through exhaustion. My husband was a bit uncertain at first but later said that he was so overcome with the emotion of it all and slightly fascinated by the mechanics of the whole thing that he didn’t have time to be squeamish.
      He did have to sit on the other side of the room during the epidural. The doctor said they had way too many people get woozy watching that procedure!
      ETA: post-child love life seems unaffected by the whole thing. If it bothered him, he never said a word to me.

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