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I can’t complain much about my hair — it’s naturally straight, thick, and easy to care for. However, I’ve been stretching out the time between cuts, and after weeks of blow drying, my ends start to look a little ragged.
I mostly use drugstore hair care products, but the one salon product I splurge on is Aveda’s Damage Remedy Restructuring Conditioner. I’ve been using it for over 15 years, usually in the weeks leading up to a much needed cut. It keeps my hair smooth and soft until professional intervention.
Its quinoa protein “helps repair and strengthen damaged hair,” while conditioners detangle. And given that it’s Aveda, it’s cruelty free, vegan, and 90% naturally derived.
The conditioner ranges from $10 for 1.4 oz. to $129 for 33.8 oz. at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Visit with vaccinated grandparents says
Thoughts on seeing fully vaccinated grandparents? Both my parents and my in-laws will be fully vaccinated very soon. Me (pregnant, having a baby later this spring), my husband, and our toddler will not be vaccinated. My parents are local; in-laws are out of town and would stay with us. What is the current news about the vaccine and transmission? Would you have the grandparents continue to wear masks, quarantine before visiting/staying in your home, etc.? My mom has been lax since receiving her second dose weeks ago and now comes to our door without a mask.
Anon says
The vaccine reduces the odds of transmission but it’s not yet known by exactly how much. I wouldn’t see vaccinated people who are behaving irresponsibly, e.g., going to large indoor weddings or something like that. My vaccinated parents are part of our bubble and we don’t expect them to do a strict quarantine but they’re naturally very cautious – now that they’re fully vaccinated they occasionally go to the grocery store or see friends outdoors (we do these things too), but are still not doing even outdoor dining or any indoor socializing. So we’re completely comfortable with it. My MIL did not want to fly to us until DH and I got the vaccine. She’s worried about getting it in transit and giving it to us. It wasn’t a huge concern to DH and me because we believe planes are pretty safe if you wear a mask and a face shield (which she would) but it was her choice, so we scheduled her visit for two weeks after we get our second doses. Nobody is terribly worried about our unvaccinated toddler, since kids get such mild cases and we don’t want to put off seeing each other until 2022.
Anon says
I would be fine with vaccinated people visiting. Maybe I’m cynical, but I feel like they are emphasizing that you still need masks after being vaccinated so that we don’t have groups of antimaskers claiming to be vaccinated and refusing to wear masks in public. However, this is not based on any evidence (other than the lack of evidence reported so far that vaccinated people are spreading covid) so feel free to ignore me. :)
Cb says
I just asked something similar on the main page, although I don’t have a little baby. I said I don’t want to do visits until we all have our second dose (I think September is the worst case scenario, given vaccination rates in the UK). None of our family is local though – so we / they would be taking the train or flying.
Anon says
I can’t imagine the amount of money to get me on a plane without being fully vaccinated.
Anonymous says
Planes are really not that dangerous due to the excellent air filtration. I would definitely go on a plane before I’d dine indoors or go to a gym.
Anon says
i would too. i’m not ready to do any of those things, but planes are at least a masked activity, whereas eating in a restaurant is not
Anonymous says
I don’t buy the claim that air filtration on planes makes them safe. If that’s the case, why do I get sick every single time I fly?
Anonymous says
For one thing, not every virus is spread like Covid. Some of them are much more transmissible via surface so the air filtration on planes wouldn’t do as much good. Dry air, dehydration, stress and lack of sleep while traveling can also do a real number on your immune system and make you more susceptible to germs you’re exposed to outside the plane. Personally, I used to fly a lot and never linked an illness back to a plane flight. My kid got sick on several of our trips but it was always something she’d picked up in daycare just before we left.
Anon says
I’m due in a couple weeks and in a similar situation…in-laws will be recently fully vaccinated, my parents will have one shot. I’m having my mom come to watch my other kids but I’ve asked her to isolate as much as possible for 1-2 weeks before I think I’ll deliver. And honestly I’m going to use the quarantine/wait at least two weeks after the second vaccine as an excuse to limit in-law visitors for a bit.
The official directive is that we don’t know if vaccinated people can transmit the virus, and even vaccinated people should continue to mask and distance. However, I also saw a guideline that if it’s been at least two weeks since your second dose you don’t need to quarantine after a Covid exposure…so in reality you probably *cant* spread it?
Anonymous says
No, it’s not known that fully vaccinated people can’t spread it. There’s quite a bit of evidence vaccinated people are less likely to spread it but it hasn’t been proven that it’s impossible or even that it’s dramatically less likely. That guidance was a CDC policy decision about risk v. benefit to society in general and should not be taken as a definitive statement that vaccinated people cannot spread the virus.
Anon says
Appreciate your clarification, that was what I was trying to say, with the caveat that the guidelines and knowledge is still murky. We are planning to have vaccinated grandparents still take precautions and act as though “we don’t know”
Anonymous says
Yeah, I don’t think fully vaccinated people are a huge risk, but I also don’t think you can read too much into that CDC statement. I think there was a lot of pressure for them to change that guideline particularly so schools could operate more smoothly. At least in my school district, the main problem is not actual Covid cases, it’s a lack of staffing because teachers are always getting exposed outside of school and having to quarantine for 10 days even though the vast majority of quarantines end with a negative test. So I think there’s a *lot* of pressure on the CDC to ease the rules about post-exposure quarantine because we can’t really have anything even halfway resembling “normal” school if everyone has to quarantine after every exposure.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Not sure if your toddler is in daycare, but our daycare follows the MA rules on travel still – so you have to fill out on the daily sheet whether you’ve traveled out of the state or if you have visitors out of the state, and they have to either quarantine for 10 days or produce a negative Covid test. Given that you’re pregnant, I’d be a little more cautious and have your local parents still wear masks and probably even your in-laws, although that’s probably less feasible if they’re staying with you. Can they just wait to visit until you all (besides toddler) are vaccinated? It should only be a few more months…
Anonymous says
A lot of states are starting to say fully vaccinated people don’t have to quarantine.
NYCer says
I would feel comfortable having vaccinated grandparents visit without masks, quarantining, etc.
Io says
This is where we are, but the grandparents who are vaccinated are still masking in public.
Not sure how I’d feel about the non-masking grandma.
Anonymous says
Since you’re pregnant and high risk I would not want to see even vaccinated people unless you knew they were taking Covid precautions seriously, and I’d be tempted to ask for a strict weeklong quarantine before any visit. If you weren’t high risk I wouldn’t worry nearly as much about it.
Anonymous says
I feel like asking people to quarantine might only give you a false sense of security. You are pregnant and therefore higher risk, so you get to call the shots. If you would feel more comfortable if they wear masks while visiting, you can absolutely ask them to do it. If you feel like you won’t be comfortable unless they truly quarantine, I’d just put off the visit a bit longer because people will probably tell you what you want to hear and still go to the grocery store.
My household is not high risk. I’m well aware that vaccination doesn’t mean inability to spread covid, but I was more concerned about my parents catching covid from us than the other way around. My parents are both fully vaccinated and coming to visit this month, and we’re just going to call it good… I’m a little concerned because my dad is in TX and they’re lifting the mask mandate, but my dad is retired and practically a hermit, plus maybe the doctor part of his brain outweighs the Fox news-watcher part of his brain, so he still has enough sense to avoid crowds and or still wear a mask in public. Now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I have to call and ask / express my preference. (but he’s a Texan, and he does what he wants because Freedom, so I’m under no illusion that me saying it makes it so)
Anon says
from someone else who lives in TX, please please try to talk to him. the more mask wearers the better. i am so angry that i apparently have to stop going to stores next week (really the only places i went were target and the supermarket)
Anonymous says
Do you have Kroger in Texas? They said they are keeping the mask requirement in all stores, even states that lifted their mandates.
Anonymous says
Are stores going to drop their own masking rules? Not that stores actually enforce those rules, but the people who would defy a store’s mask rule are already refusing to mask so I don’t see what would really change as long as Target kept its rule.
Anonymous says
Target is keeping their mask rule, but some Texas-based stores (HEB, etc) did announce they were dropping the mask requirement in response to the governor’s order.
Anonymous says
I’m not in Texas but I think state mask mandates make a huge difference in how many people follow the store’s rules. Our local grocery store required them before our state mandate but compliance was maybe 50-60%, 70% at best. After the state mask mandate it’s like 95%. I would be very upset if our state repealed the mandate and would seriously reconsider in person grocery store trips (and I’m vaccinated).
Anon says
yes, HEB the big TX supermarket which i typically love is dropping their mask rule and i am surprised and angry. i will have to start shopping somewhere else. to be honest, people took their masks off anyway and they weren’t the best about enforcement, but probably better than it will be when i go after next wednesday.
Redux says
My FIL is also a doctor/fox-news-watcher and I am happy to report that the doctor side has won out at least in terms of his own actions. Meaning, they took social distancing much more seriously than other fox-news-watchers in their circle, and got the vaccine as soon as they were eligible, and when they go out they wear masks. They still rail against all sorts of covid-related things, but thankfully not on the science.
Anon says
my fully vaccinated father just came to visit via plane. he came 3 weeks after his second shot so it had time to kick in. he was extra cautious the 2 weeks before his visit, got a covid test, and flew with an n95 and face shield. if everyone is fully vaccinated and it is 3 weeks post vaccination, i would be ok with having them visit, but i personally wouldn’t want them to come if they’d been out dining at restaurants, etc. they should still be wearing masks anyway when they leave the house (unless they live in TX like i unfortunately do where covid is apparently ending next week on wednesday…ha)
Anonymous says
I would do it.
For context, our approach this whole time has been to reduce risk, not eliminate it – so we get groceries delivered, mask in public, no indoor dining or activities, frequent testing and quarantining as necessary – but our kids have been in in-person school the whole time, we go to church (in N95s), and see our parents unmasked. Now they are all fully vaccinated, but we saw them pre-vaccination as well. Once I became pregnant, I asked them to test before we visited (my mom is an ER nurse and has access to frequent testing). Now I am vaccinated too so we don’t worry about it.
There are a lot more cautious opinions on the internet, including this board, but thought I’d share what we actually do in real life.
Anonymous says
I have zero issue with it.
Anokha says
I asked my (conservative) pediatrician, and she said that she would have my (fully vaccinated) parents fly, quarantine, get tested, and then see us — wearing masks.
Anon says
We are a low-risk household (2 young kids and 2 healthy adults) and have decided that we’re allowing fully-vaccinated relatives to come visit (staying with us, without mask) without requiring them to quarantine first. All of the relatives are pretty reasonable at home (wear masks during their weekly grocery runs, don’t see anyone unvaccinated, etc) so the potential that they can pick up something and transmit it to us is low enough that we’re comfortable with it.
Anon says
I’m due in a month, and we are allowing vaccinated grandparents who are generally acting responsibly to visit. My pediatrician recommended having unvaccinated grandparents visit after a 5-7 day quarantine or to wear masks– so long as they’d been acting responsibly. (No weddings, etc.) Neither me or my husband are high risk.
SC says
We decided we were comfortable seeing fully vaccinated grandparents without masks.
– DH, Kiddo, and I have no underlying conditions or health risks. We’re extremely unlikely to be hospitalized or die from Covid. We’ve been avoiding seeing grandparents to protect the grandparents, not to protect us. Now that they’re vaccinated, grandparents are extremely unlikely to be hospitalized or die from Covid if they are exposed to it through us.
– The evidence so far is that vaccines reduce transmission even if they don’t eliminate the possibility of transmission.
– Our grandparents aren’t out partying it up. They spend time with DH’s step-siblings and their families, but the step-siblings have been cautious, and now the adults have all received at least their first shots (health care workers and teachers and off a wait list).
AnonATL says
This is us too. We have no underlying conditions. Grandparents will be/are vaccinated and we will see them unmasked without a strict quarantine.
Both sets of grandparents and our household are following roughly the same lifestyle. Masked trips to grocery store/target are about all we do in the wild. Other than daycare where teacher is masked but not our infant.
Anon says
Yep, this is us.
Anon says
We’ve seen grandparents unvaxed and unmasked since May last year. Grandparents were okay with the risk after having honest conversations. The grandkids are the light of their lives.
Anon for this says
Tips for having a constructive dialogue with a partner about the division of labor? We both have big jobs, and the division of labor right now is maybe 60/40. I can mostly live with that, except when he gets mad about doing that 40%. For example, this morning was his turn to take the kids to daycare, but he got mad because it interfered with his ability to take a long walk this morning before work. While he needs to exercise for his health, he doesn’t get up before 7 am (which drives me nuts since the kids get up by 6) and that doesn’t leave him enough time. What I want to do right now is make a list of the billion things that I do that he doesn’t seem to notice and tell him to stop being so damned selfish, but I know that isn’t constructive and will only make things worse.
Cb says
Argh, I’m infuriated on your behalf. Is this a single instance or part of a larger problem? I’d be tempted to ignore any morning grumbling (I grumble all the time in the AM, and my husband ignores me), but if it’s a larger problem, you do need to address it. Who is watching the kids from 6-7? Is that all on you? Does he do bedtime or bathtime in exchange?
I’m admittedly a petty bean counter but if you’re both working loads of hours, than things should be split more equally.
Anon for this says
Yes, it is definitely part of a larger problem. DH is a deep sleeper, so I handle all night wake-ups (which mercifully only happen 1-2x/week) and watch the kids from the moment they wake up until he gets up. I am not a morning person, but I cope by going to bed early, while he stays up a couple hours later. He usually does bathtime/bedtime for our toddler (who is a handful), but I handle bathtime/bedtime for the baby (who is easy) since I’m still nursing.
Anon says
I feel like we’re the same person, right down to the spouse and the sleep situations. No helpful advice though because I’m clearly not making any inroads myself.
Anon says
I had the same issue when my children were young and it developed into a bigger issue over time of my now ex-husband not handling the childcare and childcare responsibilities as he should. He also used the “but you are nursing” excuse. If I could do it over, I would have made a bigger issue way early on in our marriage and stopped the behavior. It only got worse and cascaded over into other issues.
Anonymous says
I have found that alternating tasks like pickup and dropoff leads to more resentment than just having each partner be 100% responsible for certain tasks. If he drops off every day, he has to structure his whole life around dropoff and schedule his walks at another time. If he drops off every other day, he knows what it’s like to have a “free” morning and can then feel put out on days when he has to do dropoff.
With dropoff and pickup specifically, we’ve also had fewer issues with work when we keep a consistent daily schedule. If you leave every day at 5:00 on the dot, people expect it. If you leave at 5:00 every other day and can stay late sometimes, it looks like you’re leaving “early” on your 5:00 days.
anon says
This is true for us, as well. We try to each just have responsibilities and not alternate, but will step up if they other has a conflict.
The other thing to consider is if daycare drop off and pick up is really working for your family. It was a huge stressor in our lives, so we ended up with an au pair and part time preschool. It made our lives 1,000,000 times better.
Anonymous says
Same. It helps for the mental load issue as well. There are many tasks that I never think about, because they are my husband’s responsibility. There are also tasks that he never thinks about, because they are my responsibility.
As for the OP’s specific situation, I would just ignore the grumbling about the walk/dropoff conflict.
Pogo says
That’s really interesting. I posted yesterday about the shortened hours, but for us – there’s no way we could do our jobs and not alternate/call the shots day by day. Every single day in fact since March 13.
Anonymous says
What would happen if you blocked your calendar at 4:00 every afternoon for pickup, and your husband blocked his calendar until 9:00 every morning for drop-off? I know people say they “just can’t” set a boundary like that, but I think a lot more is possible than we are willing to admit. If you truly can’t set that boundary, then your employer should be paying you enough to hire two nannies so you can be available 24/7.
Anon says
Making the list would be constructive, actually, but you should ask him to make a list, too, and have a (calm) discussion about reconfiguring the work load. I might even recommend reading the book Fair Play; it helps uncover all those tasks and offers recommendations for splitting them equitably. The system was a little tit-for-tat for me and I would not do it the exact way she describes, but it might help you work through some frustration and set you up for a more productive convo with your husband.
Anonymous says
Did you read Fair Play? Making a list is the first step.
But yelling at him probably won’t help.
I would have been pretty ticked off about his complaining today. I probably would have said, “ You have the same number of hours in the day that I do. And the same number of children. It sounds like you should work on your scheduling.” But only if I could have kept my tone neutral.
Anon for this says
Not yet, but I just ordered it in print. I could read it on my Kindle, but I want him to have an opportunity to read it as well (okay, okay, maybe I’m just being passive aggressive)
Anon says
I had my husband read it after me and he REALLY hated it. That probably says something about my husband, the patriarchy, etc., but her tone and approach also rubbed me the wrong way (and I’m one of the ones who recommended the book above). YMMV, but she is definitely speaking to women and you can decide if you think it’d be helpful to have your husband read it, or if you want to paraphrase and put your own spin on it. It did help me feel “seen” and just that allowed me to be more calm and thoughtful in approaching the discussion
Anonymous says
I think you start very clearly “John, I’m not interested in starting my day listening to you complain about taking the kids to day care. We agreed to this and it’s only fair you do your part. You’re an adult- if you want time for a long walk, please feel free to get up early and do that. I am happy to make sure the kids are fine while you are out. “
Anonymous says
“Right? I missed my walk yesterday so I totally understand how you feel. I’ve thought about having you take turns getting up at 6am so I can use 6am-7am as my walk time 3 or 4 days a week but I know how much you enjoy sleeping in every day.”
S says
So, not sure this will help but I’d schedule a time in advance to talk about daycare drop off when you can both be calm and focused (this would be 15 minutes after both kids are asleep on a weeknight for us). Then I’d put it on him — daycare drop off is interfering with his walks, what fair solution does he propose that would allow him to take his walks? What does he need from you to support that solution? Say that you want to support him getting the walks he needs but you want to set up a system that is fair and doesn’t put additional demands on you without removing other demands from you and see what he thinks.
DLC says
Was your husband mad at you, or mad/frustrated at the situation (which he admittedly could fix)? One thing we were repeatedly told in therapy was that we are not responsible for the other’s mood. I don’t fully buy into that idea, but it has helped me be better at figuring out what I need to act on (left a mess in front of his coffee maker) and what I should just let my husband stew about (he can’t find his keys and he’s annoyed at the amount of clutter in the houses). So, it used to be in the latter case, I would think — “Oh, I need to get rid of stuff because my husband can’t find his keys” now I just maybe help him look and try not to feel defensive.
It sounds like your frustration is not that you want him to do more, but you want him to do more without complaining, which is a different issue. I mean if he’s getting mad at doing his 40% maybe you can remind him that he should model better adulting behaviour for his kids when he is faced with the results of his poor planning or something that he doesn’t want to do. I agree with the folks above that ignoring the grumbling is the way to go.
TheElms says
I would wear masks until you are vaccinated (at least). Being pregnant you’re high risk and I find the science about whether vaccinated people can be carriers a little murky. It seems to suggest its rare but not impossible. I probably wouldn’t ask grandparents to quarantine, but that would only be true if I was confident that they were wearing masks and practicing social distancing when outside in public places. If I wasn’t confident about that I would ask them to quarantine (but if they won’t wear masks will they quarantine effectively?)
Anonymous says
A couple of times recently my just turned 3 year old has gotten angry at me for making her do something routine that she didn’t want to do (take a bath, go to bed) and screamed for my husband and when he came in the room told him I hit her. It wasn’t a joke like “ha ha, Mommy hit me, guess we gotta put her in time out!” It was incredibly dramatic and realistic – she was sobbing and telling him I hit her and she’s scared of me and he needs to take her away from me and keep her safe so she’ll never get hit again. They were truly Oscar worthy performances. If someone outside our family saw it, I’m sure they would think I abuse her. I do not hit her. I’ve never come close to hitting her. I have raised my voice at her on occasion but not often and not recently. I know lying is a normal part of development, but this seems extreme – is it normal?! I’m low key terrified she’s going to tell a teacher I hit her and we’re going to get investigated by CPS. She has a bit of a hitting issue herself, which we are trying to work on (NOT BY HITTING HER BACK OBVIOUSLY) so maybe that has something to do with it, like she’s role-playing her own frustrations? Man, 3 year olds are a trip.
Anonymous says
It sounds like she has gotten the message that Hitting Is Very Bad and is trying to use that to stop other things she thinks are Very Bad, like taking a bath and going to bed. I agree that this seems age-appropriate but extreme. I would try to get the message across that lying is just as bad as hitting. Can your husband ask questions that make her story fall apart and get her to admit that she lied?
Anonymous says
We can try that. He didn’t ask questions, but he was very firm with her that he knew she was not telling the truth (“Mommy did not hit you. Mommy was trying to make you take a bath and you were very mad at Mommy because she was making you do something you didn’t want to do, but she did not hit you” etc) and she just kept wailing “Whyyyyy don’t you believe me!?! She was hitting me! I have a bruise from where she hit me [showing him a non-existent mark]” etc etc. If she keeps this up, she’s either going to win an Academy Award or become some kind of con artist.
Anonymous says
She’s playing for attention. I would leave the room and refuse to engage.
AnotherAnon says
Sorry, I freaked out a bit below. It sounds like your DH handled it just fine. FWIW some kids are just very perceptive. I hope she is president someday!
AnotherAnon says
No please do not do this! This is terrible advice. 3 and 4 year olds do not fully understand the concept of lying. Interrogating them is going to make it worse, not better. I have dealt with toddlers who experienced s3xual abuse. The number one rule is: Do not interrogate! Second the advice below: ignore. Double down on “you don’t want to bathe, but I must bathe you. I hear you that you don’t like it. I hear you that you’re mad. You must bathe.” Also, this seems age appropriate (see: kids do not understand lying). Sorry I know this is hard. A good day care will take this all in stride.
Anon says
+1. Plus, contradicting what a kid is telling you as her “truth” is a fine line towards gaslighting. Even if we are 99% sure the fact is wrong, a child’s perception could be different from the objective truth. We don’t think about it, but we often imply children are “wrong” and set the stage for not trusting their instincts.
I don’t mean we should let all sorts of accusations go, but we can come at the conversation more understanding of what a child believes happened and what we believe happened. I’ve told my kids to absolutely call me out if I tell them an order of events they don’t agree with.
I agree that with a toddler it’s best to keep moving forward with the task at hand and not engage in arguing.
Anonymous says
OMG this. I really had to learn to hear my kids out because they were often right– in their own backward and confusing way– when I thought they were wrong. Nothing like claims of abuse, but stuff like “I already ate my dinner” when clearly the food was still out on the plate…after much back and forth it was determined she called the meat “dinner” and the vegetables” veggies” so she hadn’t eaten her veggies but she had eaten her dinner.
The OP’s kiddo is doing something else here, but I did want to agree that esp as kids are still learning language we do need to hear them out most times.
Anon says
My then-3 year old gave a very dramatic and convincing retelling of her babysitter’s baby shower. Given that the sitter was 17, we knew to be skeptical, but it was so convincing we texted her to tentatively ask if congrats were in order. (“X just told a very convincing story about your baby shower. That kid! Should we send a present your way?”) The sitter then explained X had told HER a convincing story about MY baby shower and was confused since we had a three month old.
When that three month old grew up and hit three, his favorite thing was to tell EVERYONE that our house burnt down. Like, in the grocery store he’d tell the clerk that he was happy we could buy food again because we lost everything in the fire. He’d call grandparents on Facetime, full on sobbing, claiming we just saw our house burn, while he sat in the living room. On the plus side, they were really verbal for three year olds, but it made for some really awkward discussions.
They are perfectly average kids in elementary school now and don’t seem to be psychopaths (although they do still have fantastic imaginations), so I’m hoping that’s just typical three year old behavior and not some indication that I’m an exceptionally bad parent.
Anon says
My almost three-year-old is NOT going to win an Oscar for his performance (the fake outrage was interspersed with giggling) but he told me that my mom kicked him in the face this weekend. Clearly made up, but made sense given all the lectures we’ve had recently about how kicking is not nice. His stuffed animals also make all sorts of bad choices–I’ve heard stories about them hitting, kicking, yelling after bedtime, making a mess after we cleaned up, and pooping in their underpants. All of which is to say — I understand your frustration but that sounds normal to me!
ElisaR says
i just want to say…. 3 year olds are tough man. i have no advice. they are just impossible sometimes.
Anonymous says
Thank you! She just turned 3 a couple weeks ago and it was like a switched flipped behavior wise and now she’s incredibly emotional about everything, all the time. It’s like a teenager with PMS times a million. The Spirited Child book says kids are always difficult around their birthdays and half birthdays so maybe things will improve soon? This age is SO fun (she says the most hilarious things!!) and also SO hard.
Anonymous says
Yup yup yup. It’s insane that a flip switched at my DDs 3rd birthday. But now she’s almost 4 and back to her delightful self!!
Anon says
interesting! i have twins. one is typically more difficult closer to their bday and the other more difficult closer to their half bday.
AwayEmily says
My daughter does this occasionally. It took me awhile to figure out what works for her because it’s kind of counter-intuitive. Basically, I ignore the factual error and lean into the feelings behind it. I say “Wow, you’re SO upset and mad at me. You feel like I am being REALLY mean to you.” I also realized that the times when she’s most likely to do it is in situations when I was ignoring/minimizing her feelings (eg once because I picked the wrong pajamas). And so when she does it’s a sign that she really, really needs her feelings validated. I don’t give in on the larger issue (she still had to wear the pajamas) but I try to be more understanding about how she’s feeling.
Again, this may not work for your kid, I have no idea, but it’s what works for our “you HIT me” situations.
Anon says
+1 great advice
Pogo says
This is what I do. Kiddo loves to scream YOU’RE HURTING ME when I literally did not even touch him. It’s certainly because they are having Big Feelings about you putting boundaries down. Bath is a big one for us too.
Anonymous says
Yay — both my kids are in actual school today. Boo — this is the first time in A YEAR. And it will happen tomorrow and then not again for 3 weeks then 4 weeks (spring break) and then maybe one more time before summer. One kid is at the mental health level where we have onboarded her with a counseling service (but won’t get in for a couple of weeks), hates us, hates school (too few people in her rotation and too many rules), hates virtual school, etc. etc. I wonder how long it will take her to get her feelings sorted out (never mind how behind she is — virtual school has not worked at all for her (elementary school with a heavy dose of zoom and hard to follow assignments)? I feel like this year will have a very long tail for some kids (never mind she has a roof over her head and adequate food — many kids will be in far worse shape and yet they seem to be very invisible).
Anonymous says
Yeah this generation of kids is going to be profoundly affected by this. Even many of the ones who were lucky enough to go back in person in the fall will still have mental health struggles as a result. We as a country failed our children so terribly.
Anon says
+1. Older Gen Z is already really good at talking about mental health, but the younger ones and whatever the next generation will be called – I can’t imagine the focus on therapy and self-care. Humans have failed kids time and again, but this really feels like SUCH an epic failure. Other generations have had it hard, but we took away everything these kids knew and sacrificed them at the altar of self-interest and capitalizism. They know what they are missing and they see others heading to gyms and bars without masks covering their noses. This might be the death of respecting your elders, and I don’t disagree.
Anon says
I’m going to disagree…we did not take away everything they knew. In fact, for those of us who are middle class and not struggling to make ends meet, we gave them more time with family and a slower pace a life which can be a gift in childhood. Yes there have definitely been hardships, but you can’t argue the past year has been worse for *most* kids than the Great Depression, the Industrial Age, the Dust bowl era, WWII, etc. Mental health focus and helping kids process current events is essential, for sure, but I believe most kids will be fine with appropriate supports. (Not talking about kids in true poverty, who lost a parent to Covid, etc etc)
Anonymous says
My kids used to have normal lives M-F and could visit with friends in other classes and at other schools. Now, they are tethered to a computer for 7 hours a day. They eat alone b/c no one has the same breaks for a meal except if a grownup does by chance, but we are working FT from home. There is recess, but it is alone. One kid has two same-aged kids on the block, but at different schools so no lunches or recesses or school days quite line up. After school and on weekends: occasional outside friends visits, but no church, no activities, no loving relatives. One activity meets distantly and outside for an hour a week. And for several months, parks and playgrounds were closed, so how many times did they walk the block?
This would be abusive in normal times and a year of it has really messed with both kids, one critically and one more mildly. They are too young for phones and don’t want much more screen time. THey can’t drive or even safely bike to many friends’ houses. They are burned out the way a 35 YO workaholic would be, but they are children.
Anonymous says
Lockdown and virtual school have seriously messed up my kid too, but I think the hardship pales in comparison with what kids have had to endure throughout history and are currently being asked to endure in other parts of the world. My whiny tormented child still gets three gourmet meals a day, air conditioning and heat, clean weather-appropriate clothing, medical and dental care, a phone on which to spend half the day texting her BFF, a large extended family who regularly call her to chat, and a house full of entertainments including toys, games, electronics, musical instruments, and sports equipment. The only part I’d classify as a genuine hardship is the total lack of any meaningful education. The rest of it, well, these kids are incredibly fortunate and can just suck it up and deal with the fact that they don’t get to play soccer this season.
Anonanonanon says
I agree. I’m sure this has affected my son’s social and emotional development, but he has also been able to sleep two hours later, have more family time, reach more books, continued to have employed parents and food on the table (much better meals considering we used to let before care feed him breakfast and then he bought lunch at school) etc. I won’t argue this hasn’t been difficult and won’t have an effect, but all things considered my kid has been exceptionally lucky during this.
That being said, on a whole-society level, I think this certainly exacerbating many of the ways in which we were already failing children, particularly children in poverty.
anon says
yes, my kids have been better off than before – they spent the entire summer playing with grandparents and extended family (because I could work remotely), they’ve been in full-time, in-person school with no changes except masks and open windows, we’ve done lots more outdoor hikes and playdates than we did before (we chose to disregard the fact that parks were officially closed) and my job is probably less stressful and I make more money than I did pre-pandemic. But I’m still furious on behalf of all the kids who did not have those opportunities – it was very, very clear to me that our society has become very anti-kid, anti-family, and I’m not cool with it.
Anonymous says
What is the point of having the kids go in for a total of three days during the whole year?!?
Anonymous says
OP — it is the only time they overlap. One kid goes TH/F and started back 2 weeks ago. The other is on a 1 week on, two weeks off schedule that started Monday. It is insane.
Anon says
hugs to you and your daughter. this is all so so hard
Anon says
I need a pick me up. This week was a slog (one thing after another with daycare), and just staring down the fact that I need to do this for another 4.5 years, and then I have to deal with school/aftercare, which doesn’t sound better. It’s just, ugh.
Can someone just tell me that it gets better? This is a particuarly bad year, that 9 months and almost 3 is just hard, and things will get better?
Anon says
oh my gosh YES – those are both such hard ages! Together? Pandemic? Yes awful! You have to do it for awhile but they get so much more self sufficient and frankly rewarding. Hang on!
Anonymous says
Think now about what you might do when your first kid is in K and winter break is at least 14 days (and you may be at your busiest then or not, but many of us can’t take that time off completely b/c everyone wants that time off). It’s hard. This year is awful (2 school-aged kids; no school). I sometimes buy lottery tickets and I work with #s for a living, so it’s a tell as to how desperate I am. And if you have to pay nannies on the books b/c of your job, finding help is very, very hard.
Anonymous says
This is a particularly bad year and those are very hard ages. You’ll get through it! Things will get so much better!!
Anon says
um, yes it will get better! you had 2 under 2, now you have 2 under 3. at some point they will get themselves dressed, put on their own shoes, climb into their car seats on their own, etc. (granted i have 2.75 year old twins so i am definitely not there yet either)
No Face says
To confirm: Y,es this is a particularly hard year. Yes, an infant and a three year old at the same time is particularly difficult. I am you a year from now (toddler and 4 year old) and already my life is much easier than last year.
FVNC says
It will get better. Much better. Mine are 7 and almost 4. I am in the midst of a month-long solo parenting stretch with no childcare other than schools bc of pandemic. It’s fine. The kids are old enough to understand that routines need to change a bit since I’m the only parent around and have cooperated and rolled with the temporary new normal. Even a year ago, this would have been disastrously hard.
Anon says
It gets better and better. I find that every 6 to 9 months, I notice it’s improved. Kids are now 6 and 4 and it’s pretty amazing. I can make dinner while they play together, bedtime is a million times easier, and they initiate games together. There are still squabbles that require parent mediation, but it’s a million times easier than the stage you’re at.
EB0220 says
Hi from 6 years in the future. It does get better, I promise. My kids are in 1st and 3rd grade now and it’s lovely. Aftercare was great when we used it. My daughter made 100% of her best friends there (and I liked finding the two working parent families). Now we live close to school and WFH so they just walk home after. Truly it is so much easier than the daycare slog with a baby and a toddler. That is so hard. It will get better.
Flying and kids says
Any experiences with young kids and flying? We may have to bring our just-turned three year old on a cross country flight. She wears masks but it’s tough to get her to comply for five straight hours. I’ve read stories of three year olds getting kicked off flights for not complying within the airline’s rules. Any personal experiences?
(And please no finger wagging over travel or how mask compliance is so easy for kids and I’m a bad parent if my kid doesn’t mask up for hours on end. For reasons I won’t get into, we are doing the best we can with the situation we have.)
Anonymous says
This (https://upgradedpoints.com/covid-19-face-mask-requirements-for-kids-on-planes/) says that Delta is the least strict about kids and masks because they have an exception for children of any age “who cannot maintain a face covering.” Honestly though, if you’re trying to keep the mask on you should be ok. The people who were thrown off planes were parents who were deliberately flouting the mask rule wrt their kids. I would also try to practice wearing it for a long period of time before the flight.
Anonymous says
Link in m0D but apparently Delta (unlike other airlines) has an exception for kids of any age who “cannot maintain a face covering” so you might want to fly them.
Anon says
Big Little Feelings on Instagram has a highlight on kids and masks that may help you.
Anon says
look at Big Little Feelings and follow their ‘prep’ methodology. if you can get her to put it on to get on the plane you should be ok. i’d also get her a face shield. they cannot kick you off mid flight. they also don’t expect you to wear a mask while eating, so just give her lots of snacks. i have twin almost 3 year olds, who most certainly are not perfect mask wearers, so i do not think you are a bad parent if your kid doesn’t mask up for hours on end bc mine definitely don’t. but this is also the reason i haven’t yet taken them on a plane. you sound annoyed or seem to think it is unreasonable for the flight attendant to ask you to keep a mask on your child. it is no different than a child being required to wear a seatbelt in a car. the only difference i suppose is that a child cannot take off their seatbelt on their own, but they can take off their mask. the only situations i can think of where the whole family must fly across the country is to move or to seek medical treatment so if it is one of those situations, then best of luck!
Anonymous says
“you sound annoyed or seem to think it is unreasonable”–this is a good point. Don’t signal this to your child. If she senses that you expect her not to be able to wear the mask the whole time, then she will live up to that expectation.
Anonymous says
Yup. The only people I know whose kids “can’t” wear masks are anti masks themselves. Even toddlers pick up on adults feelings.
No Face says
Any particular tips you are looking for? I always bring a car set and a backpack full of things. If she tolerates headphones, a preloaded tablet is good. I like those coloring books and markers that only work with each other (the markers only work on special paper, forgot what it was called). I also have pacifiers magically appear only on the plane to help with the ear pressure issue. So, so many snacks.
Anonymous says
We haven’t flown with our kids since the pandemic, so I don’t have experience about that, but I imagine some of the standard plane advice still applies and distraction is really going to be key. Have lots of new small toys that you can pull out, a tablet with games or shows, new coloring supplies if she’s into that, books, etc. We always used to rely on ample snacks, but that’s less easy with masks.
Other suggestion–have you tried different types of masks? My 3yo does the best by far with the kind that tie around her head and are a slightly stiffer fabric. If they’re too soft she sucks them into her mouth and chews on them (making them fall down) and the ear loop ones also fall off more often than is ideal.
Friday says
I think you’ll be fine. Even if you normally don’t allow screen time, I’d encourage you to buy a Kindle fire, download some DT or Blippi and then take it offline. That’s what we did when we flew with our 3 y/o last year and he was a peach (unlike his 18 month old flying self). We did specify “ipad” (what he calls it) is only for trips. The mask was…a struggle. But I just kept repeating “you must wear your mask.” and putting it back on him.
Anne says
Is she reward oriented? Can you promise her a reward per hour she wears a mask? (Buy a new TV show, cookie, buy an ipad game etc.?). Depends on the kid but could work.
Anon says
Southwest was empathetic about our losing battle to keep our freshly minted two year old masked.
Meal kits says
Who here uses (or has tried) any of the various meal kit services – Hello Fresh, Blue Apron, etc.? Is it worth it?
I’m in such a dinner slump but we are seriously lazy cookers and I’m worried they will be too much work.
Anonymous says
I guess my husband and I are lazy cookers because we’ve found all the meal kits to be way too much work. A typical dinner for us is less than 10 minutes of active cooking time (not counting something cooking in the oven w/o needing our attention) and the meal kits were all more like 30+ minutes.
anon says
I don’t even consider myself a lazy cook, and I didn’t find the meal kits to be all that helpful to us. All took MUCH longer than what the label suggested.
What HAS worked is having a short list of stuff that we can rotate in and out depending on what we’re feeling like eating.
AwayEmily says
We did it for a bit pre-kids and I really enjoyed it. Post-kids, less so. They’re easy-ish but still require some focused attention/reading recipes, which is incompatible with watching two small children. I may return again when the kids are older but for now, it’s not worth it for us — I need stuff I can make on autopilot.
Mary Moo Cow says
We used hello fresh for a few months. I didn’t mind it, but didn’t love it. DH didn’t like it. It’s wasn’t too much work for me- everything is ready to be mixed or dumped in a pan, so really you’re only heating and plating. (But I like to cook.) DH’s complaints were that the portions were small and components were frequently substituted without additional instructions on how to cook this new vegetable.
Now, I occasionally but Home Chef meals from Kroger or packaged Aprons meals from Publix. Maybe try those instead of committing to a subscription if you’re on the fence.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We do freshly, where they make the meals for you and you just heat it up. We have this twice a week and it’s nice not to have to think about adult dinners for those two nights (our kids get a rotation of kid-approved meals with some combination of fruit and veggie sides). Other nights, we have the same meals every week (i.e. a protein and some side). Maybe when the kids are older, we’ll be more adventurous with cooking, but 30+ min for a meal doesn’t seem worth it now, especially knowing my kids, they’ll reject it.
Anonanonanon says
My husband does Freshly and it all looks pretty good! He’s recommended it to a few people who have tried it and continue to use it.
TheElms says
I do the Hello Fresh Oven Ready meals 4 times a week and those are about 10, sometimes 15, minutes of active cooking and then go in the oven for about 30 minutes. My husband can also do them though it takes him longer. The portion for 2 is enough to feed me, my husband, and toddler. Sometimes I make an extra veggie side and sometimes the portion seems small and my husband has a bowl of cereal after dinner. Its not perfect but it saves me from thinking about dinner. I just go downstairs and make the thing that is there.
There used to be an awesome ready to eat meal service called Galley but it was bought by the salad place and seems to have disappeared. I would love that now.
rakma says
This post just reminded me to go cancel the last one we tried (Dinnerly–recipes were boring and repetitive)
We’ve done a couple, but after the first box I’m always annoyed by something–the mess, the complicated steps, the food my kids won’t even try. I end up changing so many parts that I might as well have just planned a meal from the get go.
I don’t have a better suggestion right now–looking forward to grilling weather to shake up our dinner plans, but otherwise just bored and making pasta tonight yet again.
Anon says
I use a local service called Home Cooked, where I basically just have to stick something in the oven. It might be worth checking into local options – they’re getting pretty popular here.
Anon says
We tried Blue Apron when the kids were small, and it was way too much work.
We started with Hello Fresh last summer (kids are kindergarten and 2nd) and like it. Takes about 30-40 minutes from start to finish, and we use it to make meals we used to eat in restaurants but rarely cook – so things like bibimbap, chimichurri, bahn mi. We usually get the 2 person and add another side to split between us and the kids, but will sometimes make it a 4 person if we think the kids will eat a ton (like the salmon or bulgogi). I’d obviously prefer to go out to a restaurant but given the cost savings, we’ll probably keep doing this a few nights a month, even once we feel comfortable in restaurants again.
Honestly the best part isn’t the cost savings, it’s cooking with my husband. We start dinner while the kids finish their homework, so we’re all together and talking and helping each other and it feels so connected. The kids wash the pots and pans by hand afterwards, while we finish our drinks, and are always so proud to show us they know where everything goes.
Anon says
what age are your kids? i am trying to imagine a scene where my kids aren’t trying to climb on me/make me hold them while i try to make dinner
Anon says
Not the above Anon, but my kid is 3.5. I give her extra ingredients to stir in a bowl or let her cut up softer things I don’t mind getting destroyed (i.e. things that need to be minced) with her nylon knife set while I do the actual prep alongside her at our island (big cutting boards are key here so we both have room to “work”; we tried separate smaller boards but that was not enticing enough for her). The last two nights I gave her an extra bowl so she could “build smiley faces” out of various components (rice, shredded carrot, halved tomato, minced chives, cilantro leaves, etc.). Won’t eat any of it, but playing with it counts as exposure, right?
Anon says
When I cook I put my 1 year old in a learning tower next to me. He loves it and stays in it like half the time, which I consider a win.
DLC says
We did Purple Carrot for a while because we were interested in more vegan meals. We stopped because Mark Bittman (who developed the recipes) left and the recipes weren’t so great. I never liked the amount of packaging and the fact that meals still took a lot of work to prepare.
When I’m in a dinner slump, I check out cookbooks from the library and try new things. I find that’s more inspiring than internet searching. A few good/ simple ones lately: Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Anything Fast; Run Fast, Cook Fast, Eat Slow; Milk Street’s Tuesday Nights, Dinner Illustrated
Also – a lot of meal kits publish their recipes online – so you can look them up and shop for the ingredients yourself.
Spirograph says
I like them, but I feel like they take away the mental load of meal planning more than the work of cooking.
We tried Hello Fresh and Blue Apron, and used Plated for about a year off and on back when it delivered. I liked Plated’s recipes the best and would have kept it, but DH was upset about all the packaging waste. Hello Fresh and Blue Apron felt very pedestrian to me; I liked choosing recipes I couldn’t make from things I usually have on hand, and those two just seemed like elevated versions of my existing dinner rotation. Plated was great for getting out of dinner ruts. I enjoy cooking, but I’m not creative or motivated to find new recipes or try to cook food from different cultures when I’ll have to go find all new spices and ingredients that I’m not sure I’ll ever use again. Plated got me enough family-approved recipes that it didn’t feel like a waste to just buy fish sauce, gochujang, tahini, etc.
Spirograph says
After reading other comments, maybe I’ll give Hello Fresh another shot. it looks like it’s upped it’s game in the interesting-ness department! I tried it maybe 2-3 years ago and the recipes were like… chicken and rice but with lemon and capers instead of whatever I normally put on chicken.
Anon says
We have been using Hellofresh for three 2-serving meals a week (now every other week) for several months. I love it. I think the food is good, serving sizes are good, it’s outside of my usual flavor profiles, and best of all, DH (who is NOT a cook) can muddle through most of the recipes with an acceptable result if I am not around to answer questions or cook that night. Also the decision-making is great – I don’t have to think about ingredients or find recipes, I just pick what sounds good and it all shows up ready to go. I’ve been super busy, and cooking 3x every week is too much for DH (so much grumbling), so we’ve switched to every other week (we just manually skip every other week, no issues) and do frozen food (literally heat and serve – pot stickers, pizza, empanadas, pot pies), takeout, or simple meals (pasta and jar of sauce, cereal for dinner, grilled cheese and canned tomato soup, mac and cheese, etc.) on the off nights and I try to cook 1-2x a week on weekends with some leftovers for the week. We tried Freshly’s pre-made meals and thought it was terrible because it was bland and DH said he’d had better frozen TV dinners for half the price.
For HelloFresh, my only tip is to watch the salt. They have you salt (liberally) in almost every step and it is way too much for me, especially because a lot of the premade sauces are also very salty. DH sometimes forgets to ignore that and it’s like chewing on a salt lick. You will also use way more bowls than you probably have ever done cooking, but they are pro mise en place and clearly work in a kitchen where someone else does the dishes (not a lot of thought to streamlining). I am an excellent (IMHO) cook and I find the recipes run either ahead or on time for me; for DH they usually take 1.5x the stated time. The recipes take a lot of shortcuts (especially with sauces) that bother me from a cooking perspective, but it’s designed so that non-cooks can produce something “close enough.” I will say I preview the recipes and often pick the ones have have 30 minutes or less or are flagged as quick and don’t have too many components, in an effort to avoid overwhelming DH. Some of the recipes we’ve loved so much that I get the ingredients from the grocery store and make them on our own using the recipe card (pineapple BBQ flatbread, beef bulgogi meatballs, beef bibimbap bowls)!
Anon says
Another Covid/vaccine/WWYD Q. Fully vaccinated grandparents are supposed to arrive tomorrow. An illness that appears to be a cold went around kiddo’s daycare class this week and now she has classic mild cold symptoms (sneezing and drippy nose). No fever, no cough, no vomiting, no positive Covid tests of anyone at school that we know of. Would you tell the grandparents to delay the trip (they’re driving) in order to try to get her tested before they come? I’m 95% sure it’s just a cold and theoretically grandparents are 95% protected even if it were Covid and I know the odds of being in the 5% on both things is vanishingly small, but I’m still nervous. Ughhhh I just hate all this risk analysis and want to be done with it.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t tell them to delay. I would tell them she has a cold and let them decide how they feel about it.
Anonymous says
+1
SC says
This is what I would do. I don’t think it’s fair to withhold information if someone in the household is sick. Even pre-Covid, it was a sh*tty thing to do.
A few years ago, the whole extended family showed up to MIL’s house for Christmas Eve, only to be told, upon arrival, that MIL’s husband had the flu and was too sick to come out of his room. Ummm… maybe there shouldn’t be 11 extra people in your house? And maybe your step-daughters would prefer to delay celebrating Christmas with this side of their family until a time their father can leave his room?
Leatty says
I’d just tell them she has cold symptoms and let them make the decision. I’d also suggest getting your daughter a rapid test for peace of mind.
AwayEmily says
One other thing to keep in mind is how YOU will feel, regardless of the objective risk. If you’re going to be stressed/worried every time the kid sniffles then maybe it’s worth postponing so you can truly enjoy the visit.
No Face says
I would tell the grandparents she has a cold, and then get a rapid test for peace of mind. Rapid tests are very accessible in my area though (same day appointments at an urgent care).
anon says
How much allowance do you have for how well kids’ clothes fit? This got me thinking last night, when it was unseasonably warm and my 6-year-old put on a 4/5 skort from last summer. While it technically fit her waist, it was riding low and the hemline was super short. For reference, she’s grown 3″ in height since August. DH thought I was crazy for thinking she needs new summer stuff. (“She can put it on, so what’s the problem?!”) Given my daughter’s particular nature for clothing, I try not to keep much old stuff around in the hopes that it’ll stay reserved for wearing around the house — it just turns into a battle when she wants to wear it to school.
Anon says
um, my almost 3 year old twins can still fit into a pair of shorts that they wore during the summer 2 years ago. i think they were the 12-18 month old size…they wear these in the house to take their nap. they are very very short and i likely would not have them wear them in public, in part bc that means more area to cover with sunscreen! every item i think is a bit different. like they have leggings that i think are size 18-24 months that still fit them around the waist, so when they wear those, they are more like ankle pants or capris so those i am ok with them wearing out.
Anon says
Are you concerned about style, modesty, or comfort? Comfort she can decide. Style is irrelevant at that age, unless it’s something the other kids would judge her for and that would bother her. Modesty is more complicated and depends on your religion, community, and personal values. My mother imposed certain modesty restrictions on me, and I imposed different ones on my now-grown daughters which I have come to regret.
Anonymous says
Could you elaborate? I’m just curious about this. My mother is extremely modest and conservative in her dress (just her style, nothing more). I was born an exhibitionist. I know this was difficult for her to deal with. Ultimately, I think she worked really hard to deal with our difference of opinion but didn’t let me dress too old/immodest for my age as a teenager. I am actually thankful for the boundaries she set. Once while trying on a backless prom dress she tactfully said “you look good in that but I think it’s too old for you.” My own daughter is only 4 so I wonder what I’ll be like with her. I only limit really short shorts because they’re impractical for her playground play/playing in the woods.
Anonymous says
I buy neutral boys shorts or adidas soccer shorts or capri leggings for my daughter. Basically all the girls shorts are super short and useless for daycamp and other situations playing in the woods.
anon says
yes, I grew up in a very modest religion/culture and still dress my daughters quite modestly, but now it is mostly for sun protection, bug protection and to prevent friction burns from going down the slide on their bare bums, which is what happens when they wear shorts that I don’t specifically select for length. If my kids wear too-small clothes they tend not to play as hard, and… they sleep better if they play hard :-) so well-fitting, well-covering clothes it is.
anon says
Where do you find good capri leggings? I used to get them at Target, but she wears holes in them lightning fast.
Anonymous says
I usually order from Old Navy for capri leggings. She has eczema so it’s great to only need sunscreen on her calves as the back of the knees was a really itchy spot for her. Paired with a sleeveless top or tshirt, it’s fine for most hot weather. Daycamp has them inside or doing water fights or in the shade when it gets crazy hot.
anon says
not the person you’re replying to, but I’ve bought decent capri leggings from Primary, Hanna, and Polarn O Pyret. Two years ago LL Bean had some very neat leggings with reinforced knees and seat that were still in a lighter, summer-weight fabric, but unfortunately they did not stay up around my skinny kids’ waists at all.
anon says
If I’m really honest, it’s partially modesty and partly because I don’t think it’s a great look. I don’t believe my standards are super strict (and def not for religious reasons). I’m just not super into booty shorts for any age, especially for kids who are active and climbing all over the place, though I do not express that to my daughter.
Anon says
My main standard for modesty is: is this appropriate, practical and/or necessary for the activity at hand? Aka bathing suits at the beach are excellent; showing so much skin while climbing trees or shopping is not. If the shorts will impede her ability to move around comfortably, and expose more of her leg to sunburn than you are comfortable with, then no, they are not appropriate to wear.
Anonymous says
My kids usually all need new summer stuff each year. Exception is stuff Grandma gave them because she buys two sizes too big for everything. Generally over the Easter weekend I do a ‘try on’ afternoon and have them try on anything from last summer that I think might still work including sandals/water shoes etc. I cull any favorites that I know will be too small in advance so there isn’t a battle about claiming a shirt still fits when it clearly does not. Caveat that sometimes they have growth spurts at the worst time – I once order basically an entirely new wardrobe for my 5 year old about two weeks in advance of our 3 week summer vacation. She outgrew almost everything by the end of the vacation.
Anonymous says
Even if she can put it on now, she’s likely to outgrow it at some point during the summer, probably after everything in her size is sold out.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry about the skirt length (she’s 6, not 14), but if it’s riding too low and showing a plumbers crack I’d get rid of it. Just explain “we don’t wear clothes that reveal our underwear”.
Anonanonanon says
For dresses that become a bit too short, I put leggings on underneath them unless they’re just cotton dresses in which case they sometimes become nightgowns. For shorts that are a bit too short, they become shorts that are worn under appropriate-length dresses for some extra coverage.
BUT if you’re worried the too-short item will continue to get into the rotation and not worn the way you want it to be, which seems to be the case, just get rid of it. Also, it is in no way ridiculous to refresh your kids’ clothes each season, kids are constantly growing, of course you need to! Your DH is the crazy one!
Anonymous says
I think I tend to keep my kids in small clothes longer than other families do (I have noticed their clothes are maybe more slim fitting than their friends’) but I definitely switch when sleeves are no longer near wrists or pants are >1 inch from meeting ankles even when they can still put the clothes on. For shorts for a 6 year old,in my kids’ experience they’re more comfortable and practical for playing if they’re not super short.
Anon says
My husband and I might be able to spend a month in San Diego this summer. He would be there for work and we could spend it with him. Is it worth it with a2 and 4 year old if we could stay on the other side of the highway by LA Jolla? Doing anything solo with the two of them beyond short grocery, library, and playground trips seems hard so not sure if a trip like this will just be too much for a month.
Anon says
My husband is an academic so we did this a lot in pre-Covid times although usually for less than a month because I didn’t work remotely at the time. Will your husband be able to join your on weekends for adventures like the zoo and beach? That would make it significantly more appealing to me. What would you do about childcare? Or would you take vacation leave from work? I probably wouldn’t burn a month of vacation time to do this, but if I could bring along a nanny or grandparent helper and work remotely, I would totally do it.
Op says
Thank you! I’d have to see if my firm will grant me unpaid leave and I’d just keep up with my critical stuff? Feels like a big ask but I’ve not taken a day off since pandemic started
Anon says
Unpaid leave sounds great. I hope it works out! It would be an amazing memory for your family.
Anonymous says
At my firm a month unpaid leave just so you can go on vacation would 109% be held against you as not being serious about the job and probably wouldn’t be granted.
Anonymous says
I wasn’t going to say it, but….this. You can try to frame it as a spousal relocation but 1) a month really isn’t that long, lots of people solo parent for that long and if you and the kids visited DH for a week in the middle it wouldn’t really be that much time apart and 2) San Diego is a major vacation destination so fair or not people will think you’re on a vacation. It just wouldn’t be the same thing if your husband were being relocated to North Dakota.
Op says
Makes total sense. I already work part time in a very task oriented role. I used to have big jobs so I’m valuable to my firm with my skills at the signifivsnt pqycut, but it is for sure a HARD ask but I took this job and paycut so I could create meaningful memories for my family and don’t want my job to be the reason we don’t do this. Although it is making me nervous to ask for sure. Debating if it would be easier next summer when the kids are 3 and 5.
Katala says
If next year is an option, in my experience 3 and 5 is MUCH easier to go do fun outings than 2 and 4. If you expect this to come up the next 2 years but can only do 1 leave from work, I’d strongly consider waiting until next year. You may also have more options for indoor activities “post” covid next year, although there is SO much to do outdoors in SD that wouldn’t really sway my decision.
One thought is what month you’re going. June in SD is “June Gloom” and not as sunny and glorious as most of the rest of the year. Like, Christmas is better weather than June.
Anonymous says
It would totally be worth it for the aquarium alone! You could always hire a mother’s helper for 2 afternoons a week so you are not wrangling both and have her put the kids to bed on one of those nights so you and DH can have a date night. Do a couple weekend trips in the surrounding area.
Op says
Thank you! Any resources for a mother’s helper? And yes he should be able to join on weekends
Anonymous says
For something short term like that I would contact a nanny agency or have DH ask around at his workplace. I did a mother’s helper job for one of the partner’s in my Dad’s firm when I was a teenager. Helped his SAHW keep her sanity with their 3 kids and a nice bit of pocket money for me.
Friday says
Oh my gosh yes I vote you do it! The zoo, the aquarium, Balboa park, the pier, and puttering around the beach are just the few things that come to mind. Breweries are relatively kid friendly too, though you would obviously not want to do that by yourself. I think the hardest part would be having two young kids in a hotel room. Maybe get an Airbnb for a few days?
Anonymous says
I would get an Airbnb instead of a hotel for the whole trip.
No Face says
I love, love, love San Diego and would do that in a heartbeat. I stayed in 3 bedroom Airbnb condo in the Gaslamp Quarter last time I was there and it was cheaper than the hotels. Great walkable area, including walks to a park, walks along the ocean, walks to get takeout. I’ve never stayed in La Jolla.
Anonymous says
La Jolla is likely to be more car-dependent.
OP says
a walkable area would be great for kids, but i’m not sure what a central family friendly and walkable neighborhood would be.
Boston Legal Eagle says
CA is pretty much all car dependent, if you actually want to visit fun places. Gaslamp/downtown area will be more walkable than La Jolla unless maybe you stay near the cove, but even then, you’ll want a car to get to Zoo (which is huge so definitely bring a stroller!) or Balboa Park, or any other big activity place. It’s certainly a beautiful area (I went to school there and husband is from the area so we’ve spent a lot of time in La Jolla and other parts of SD).
Spirograph says
I think there are some other HerMoney podcast listeners here, and the episode that dropped this week is adjacent to the conversation here the other day about burnout, being unable to focus, etc that I wanted to share in case it helps anyone else! Dr. Romie was a little peppy when I was listening last night, but I felt very seen, and after trying out her mini-meditations today, I think it’s helping? At this point, anything is worth a shot!
“This week’s HerMoney Podcast guest, Dr. Romie Mushtaq, says that many of us are suffering from something she calls “Busy Brain.” Dr. Romie is a triple board-certified neurologist, an integrative medicine specialist, and mindfulness expert who has impacted millions of lives via her keynote speeches and corporate workshops on mindfulness and brain health. She’s also the Chief Wellness Officer for Evolution Hospitality.
Listen in as Jean and Dr. Romie talk about how the pandemic has shifted many of our schedules to result in us working later into the evening. And while flexible schedules can be great, they’re leading many of us to feel that we never stop working…
Dr. Romie walks us through a mini 3-minute meditation — the kind she incorporates into her daily life to help her shift away from overwhelm, burnout, performance struggles, and lack of sleep, We also talk about the concrete steps that all women can take to minimize our stress levels.”
Regular poster anon for this says
How do you deal with learning something mind boggling about a parent?
My mom was a very strict and harsh person when I was growing up. Conservative, religious, uptight, critical, etc. I felt that her love was conditional upon me being her version of perfect. So I did it. I made excellent grades, was quiet, respectful, modest, didn’t take a lot of risks, waited a really really long time to have s3x with my long term college boyfriend, who I later married, kept my house clean, made financially responsible choices, blah blah blah.
Come to find out, she was kind of wild in college, hooked up with multiple guys, and had a baby that she gave up for adoption (who contacted her last year and is now part of our lives). More information keeps coming out. I just… I’m flabbergasted. I literally don’t care what my mom did in college and my new sister is awesome, I’m just really upset that she was so harsh and critical and thought that it was a good call to make me think that anyone who has any kind of s#xual thought and doesn’t live a perfect buttoned-down life is a horrible person, rather than having the slightest bit of compassion and grace after having gone through something like that.
I’ve had a very buttoned-down kind of life because of choices I made in my early 20s due to my upbringing. Not to say I’m in a bad place or anything. My life is great and thankfully my marriage is happy. But I’ve never given myself permission to explore a lot of things, and now I’m in my late 30s, well into my career, I have a child, etc. and it’s not like I can explore anything now without blowing up my life. And I don’t want to blow up my life. I am just reeling from some additional information about my mom that I got this week and wondering if anyone has dealt with anything like this.
Anonymous says
Therapy.
anon says
This is really hard stuff and I am sure you’re reeling. I do think therapy would help you process all this information along with your own choices.
ANon says
yes, therapy. if your mom is willing to once you are more established, have her join you in some of those sessions. my hunch is your mom was a wild child and it backfired, maybe her parents, your grandparents were too lax, maybe they weren’t, but her way of having you learn from her mistakes was being very strict.
also- why do parents think keeping these secrets is a good idea. when i was 25 i learned that my mom had previously been married, she got married right after college and her husband came out as gay. my parents said it wasn’t meant to be a secret, but never came up…until a cousin mentioned it in conversation. i was SO mad at my mom when i found out. my mom and i were super close and it felt like a huge betrayal. not so much the fact that she’d been married, but the secret. never fully got to deal with it with her bc she then got very sick. another friend found out as a senior in college that her father had been previously married and she has a half sibling.
Anonymous says
I tend to side with the parents in these situations. We are all constantly reinventing ourselves. Parents who conceal aspects of their lives before their current marriage and kids want to put the past behind them and move on from their mistakes. Why do adult children think they have a right to their parents’ pasts? Would you like it if your parents demanded to know the same details about you?
Anonymous says
I tend to agree with you when it comes to a “wild” past and maybe even past marriages. But withholding the existence of a half-sibling is pretty crazy. That affects your kid very directly. And I’m not really sure what you mean by “would you like it if your parents demanded to know the same details about you?” My parents may not know everyone I’ve had s*x with, but they definitely know about my spouse and kids.
different anonymous says
True. But if the parent doesn’t have a relationship with the half sibling, does it really affect you? I appreciate the OP’s half sibling coming into the family’s life and everything else that came to light was very jarring, but I also feel like it’s a need-to-know thing and the parent is entitled to privacy. I would question whether she truly needed to know until the half-sibling initiated contact with her mom. Of course the mom not being forthcoming set up a potential feeling of betrayal when/if it came to light, but it’s also hard to say how OP would have felt as a child knowing there was a half-sibling out there she had no contact with, or knowing that her mom had “given up” another child. If it was an open adoption and the mom was secretly in contact with the child’s adoptive family the whole time, that feels very different to me than the mom having released the child for closed adoption and moving on with her life separately.
OP, this sounds very hard, and I do think therapy is a good path forward. There’s a lot to process here.
Anonymous says
I agree with different anonymous. I also think that the mother is getting a lot of blame for her daughter’s life choices, blame that is likely to be undeserved. Unless she was abusive, the mom was doing the best she could to set her daughter up for a happy and successful life, learning from her own mistakes. As parents, we are all doing our best, but apparently that’s not enough. Everything is always the mother’s fault. It’s enough to make one regret becoming a parent in the first place.
Yes to therapy.
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 1:22pm, I think w can acknowledge the mom didn’t make ideal choices without it being about “blame.” Yeah, mothers get blamed for things unfairly, but at the end of the day, most of us have some kind of baggage from our parents and will pass on some kind of baggage to our children.
Anon Lawyer says
I mean, your parent would probably know if you had been married and divorced, yeah. They’d probably also know if you had a child and gave them up for adoption.
Anonymous says
What if you’d gotten pregnant in college and decided to terminate instead of giving the baby up for adoption? Is OP’s mother any less entitled to privacy just because she chose adoption?
Anon Lawyer says
The difference is there’s a human being out there who’s your kid’s sister. I think that’s information that is important to tell your kid. And of course you’re *entitled* to privacy, but raising kids is not generally about what you’re entitled to.
Anon says
i agree with you. plus having another sibling out there is good to know in terms of medical history, medical information, if you ever need a transplant or something, or what if you ended up in a relationship with your sibling not realizing they were your sibling. also, i’m the one who posted above about my friend finding out about her half sibling…her mother knew this person existed and that the father had previously been married, as did all of her father’s relatives, so it was like she was the only one who didn’t know
Anonymous says
in reply to Anon Lawyer and 1:28, devil’s advocate here: What about all the kids out there who were conceived with a sperm donor? Or who have a biological parent otherwise not be present in their life? You don’t need to know every single person who shares a biological parent with you in order to live a happy, full life. Could there be benefits to knowing? Sure. But to me, that’s a very selfish place to stop.
I would be willing to bet that the mom’s “wild” past and biological child that was raised by another family were a source of some pain and/or shame for her, which is why she chose not to reveal them (and overcorrected, from the sound of it). I reject the idea that a mom is not allowed to consider her own mental health and privacy when choosing what to share with her children.
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 6:16, I have a child conceived by sperm donor. All expert advice now is to tell your child early and often so they grow up knowing it’s part of their story. And many people now choose donors who are willing to be known by the child when they turn 18.
Anonymous says
Because as presented here, the parent taught that people who do the things that it turned out she had done are bad people.
Anonymous says
Wasn’t that the mom’s experience? That the things that she had done had caused her pain and were to be avoided?
Anon Lawyer says
That’s very different than teaching someone that that’s what *bad people* do.
Anon says
i’m the person you are replying to. honestly, i had a very close relationship with my mom and told her most things. i don’t think she needed to share with me anything about losing her virginity, if/when she did drugs, etc. but it felt like a huge betrayal of trust to find out about her previous marriage. and once i knew it helped explain things about my parents’ marriage. do i think my parents would have the right to know if i’d gotten pregnant in college and given the baby up for adoption – well given that i saw my parents more than every 9 months and had a pretty close relationship with them, if that had happened (which it didn’t), i don’t see how they wouldn’t have known. i obviously dont know exactly what i would have done if i’d gotten pregnant in college and had an abortion, but given my relationship with my parents i do think it would have come out. i honestly don’t think i need to know if my mom ever had an abortion. though if she ever did and shared that with me, i bet it would have made me more likely to confide in her if i found myself in a tricky situation.
Anonymous says
I have a similar relationship with my mom and I agree with all this.
Me says
I think it would be really strange in most families to never talk about parents’ pasts. And since this poster’s mom was otherwise open about other parts of her life before she was born, I can see how this would feel like a betrayal when she finally found her out, especially because others in her extended family knew about it.
I’m going to guess her cousin wasn’t alive or at least not old enough to know about these events when they happened, but still found out. Parents should be prepared for the very real possibility for big stuff like this to eventually come out, whether from another family member, genealogy research, or elsewhere.
Anon says
i’m the one you were replying to and while cousin is younger than my mom, it was my mom’s first cousin who was a guest at both of her weddings. so definitely alive and old enough to know about both events
Anon says
My mother was always very open and honest about her past mistakes. I knew about past marriages, past drug use, etc. The good and the bad. I actually learned from her mistakes! I credit her honesty with making drugs seem completely unappealing to me.
Meanwhile, my dad wants to just pretend his previous life doesn’t exist. He gets very weird and angry whenever anyone mentions anything prior to 1990 basically. It really seems like he never dealt with his own issues. (My parents are divorced, FYI).
Regular poster anon for this says
To clear a few things up:
– I don’t feel entitled to know every detail about my mom’s life and past. I don’t even feel that I was entitled to know that she had another child, given that it was a closed adoption many many years ago. She had clearly moved on.
– I don’t blame her for her actions, and I know she was doing the best she could both in the situation itself and as a mother.
– I am upset, as one poster put it, that she raised me to believe that I would be a bad person if I did the same things that she did. Clearly in retrospect, and now that I know the whole story, it was a “don’t make the same mistakes I did”, but that translated very poorly into “you’re a horrible person if you don’t keep it on the rails at all times.” If at any point there would have been some compassion from her, that would have been one thing. But it felt like it was coming from a moral high horse.
– I think this is all hitting me harder than it might otherwise because we’re a year into a pandemic, and I’ve felt very limited this year in the way that a lot of people have felt limited. Learning that I (yes, I was the one who made these choices, I could have gone against my upbringing at any time, and as an adult I have to take responsibility for my choices) made my foundational life choices based on only half the story is what is boggling my mind. Because I’ve already limited myself so much, and then the pandemic on top of that too, I’m feeling a bit unmoored. I had just gotten to the point in my career, age of my child, etc. where I was going to start having more freedoms when the pandemic started. So the timing is just really unfortunate. This might not even make sense, I just had to vent about it somewhere.
Anonymous says
I totally get you on the loss of freedom. I had just begun to taste that freedom when everything shut down and man is it hard.
Anonymous says
I think therapy too. But as an outsider, after going through what she did your mom was prob terrified you’d make the same “mistakes” she did an overcorrected. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be to give up a child. Your mom prob thought of her daughter every day of her life. I would try to extend some grace to the 20 something girl that went through that situation. You can’t totally blame your mother for your buttoned up 20s. You were an adult. You could’ve explored things. I know how hard it is to move past your parents expectations, but people do it. So I know you said you don’t want to blow up your life, but it seems like you ARE looking for some..excitement? This could also be addressed in therapy.
anon for this says
Therapy and then more therapy. These are truth bombs and will take a long time to process.
I don’t know if it helps, but I am the adopted child in that situation. And I met my birthmother in adulthood and she had a childhood/behavior change much like you describe. It’s as though she sees the pregnancy and adoption as a sin that she has to spend the rest of her life atoning for by living perfectly and devoutly. So that’s great for my self-esteem, that my existence is someone else’s greatest mistake. Anyway, hugs. Families are hard.
AnonATL says
What is with 12m and 18m clothes that they are so hard to find? All I want are some 12m cotton pajamas for my 7m old, and I cannot find any in a store. We ordered some from carters that were so tight on his chunky little legs and had no give, and I can’t find any that are in store so I can check for stretchiness.
Just a rant. Guess I will be doing some ordering and returning for a while until I find something that works.
Anon Lawyer says
Primary? We’ve been happy with their cotton pajamas. My toddler is wearing their 18m ones right now and they have good stretch.
Anonymous says
Primary is not good for chunky kids.
Anonymous says
Hanna?
Anon Lawyer says
I feel like those have pretty narrow legs though.
AwayEmily says
I would say pass on Primary and Hanna if you need extra-stretchy. We’ve had good luck on that front with Old Navy, surprisingly.
Anonymous says
You could also try clothing that is not marketed as PJs – PJs have to be super close fitting if they are 100% cotton due to laws around flame retardancy. Old Navy used to have a lot of looser fitting one piece outfits (when my kid was a baby 8 years ago anyway). Cotton PJs do usually stretch out some once they are on though.
AnonATL says
Thanks y’all. We only need to get through a couple more months before we can just do onesie and sleep sack.
How are burts bees? Some people say they run super narrow and some say they are good for the chunksters.
AwayEmily says
It depends! we had one pair (I think a 12-18) that was super soft and stretchy, but I now have a 5t that is stiff and runs small. Oh, Cat & Jack (or the baby Target brand whose name I can’t remember) runs generous.
Pogo says
I am right there with you even tho my kid is months younger (he’s a giant). I would say Burt’s Bees runs small, personally. I do Hanna and Primary but just size up (so my 6mo is in 9-12mo). It mostly annoys me that Carter’s and Old Navy have a ton of those cute footie pjs but they only go up to 6-9mo. Agree it’ll be easier once it’s warmer!
Anon says
To build on this – does anyone make 12m onesies with foldover mittens? We’re going to size out of the 6-9m ones and I like the foldover mittens for night b/c 1) warmth in NE and 2) keeps her from putting her fingers in her mouth (we’re trying to avoid thumbsucking because her dad and his whole side of the family ended up sucking thumbs long enough to need one of those orthodontic devices to discourage it…which is a road we’d like to skip if possible).
Katala says
Off-topic but this just made me realize that some kids suck their thumb until they get that damn fence with their braces. Which was me, but for some reason I hadn’t processed that my 5yo may very well be the same. Sigh.
Anon says
Target brands are the only ones I know of that don’t run super slim. I hate all slim fit baby clothing . The one Burt’s Bee’s set I bought was comically skinny, like I couldn’t even get my kid in them and he was not chunky. The leg as like 1/2″ wide.
Anonymous says
This isn’t really what you asked but buy normal clothes instead of things marketed as “pajamas.” For fire safety reasons things sold as pajamas have to be cut really slim with very minimal give. Cotton PJs just don’t work for my tall, delightfully round 3 year old and haven’t since she was a baby. We just get soft cotton shirts and leggings and mix and match them.
TheElms says
Also, at 12 months I think pjs have to (legally) be tight fitting if they are 100% cotton because of fire safety regulations. I have a tall, reasonably slim kid and this was still a problem for us. We sized up 2 sizes generally and just rolled cuffs that were too long. Hanna 2 pieces have slim arms but the legs have good stretch. Also the striped Hanna’s are stretchier than the print Hannas. Good luck its a pain.
Pogo says
this is true! The first time you put them on after a wash is a struggle but we wear pjs a few nights in a row (unless preschooler sartorial choices dictate otherwise).