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This is a classic cotton shirtdress, but I like how some of the elements elevate it from being too basic. I like the oversized tie at the waist and the generous cut of the skirt. On the model wearing navy, the sleeves look three-quarter length, but on the little video of the model wearing the “bright cerise” color, the sleeves look full length. I also think the sleeves look cute rolled up, which is how mine would be while working at my desk. The buttons go all the way up and down the front, so this dress also could be easy for pumping. It is available in sizes 000–24, though some sizes are sold out in every color. Right now it’s on sale for $79.99–$85 at J.Crew. Cotton Poplin Tie-Waist Shirtdress Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
ElisaR says
ok I know this is a common problem. Help me. I had 2 babies in the last 2 years and I’m 40 years old so that is likely a factor here but my baby is now 10.5 months old and my body is very out of whack.
Last night I measured my chest, waist and torso to determine what size I needed in a dress I saw online. My chest was a size 4. My waist a size 16. My hips a size 10. I know people have different sizes on those 3 measurements but this seems extreme.
I am doing bar method 3x a week. I could do more cardio. I eat fairly well, could always do better. I actually had bloodwork done yesterday to make sure my thyroid is ok. Any advice? Maybe I need to do weight watchers.
ElisaR says
PS this shirt dress is very cute but it would never close over my stomach.
Anonymous says
Your home measurements could be off. But I think it’s super common to be different sizes on top vs. bottom. I’m a size 4 on top post-nursing, but a size 10/12 on bottom.
IF fan says
I am a broken record on this but try intermittent fasting. Eat from 1 – 8 pm, don’t eat the rest of the time. Works quickly, has many health benefits aside from weight loss (decreases risk of breast cancer, among other things). Read The Obesity Code and/or look at the reddit page.
Anonymous says
How can there possibly be enough data on this to say it decreases the risk of breast cancer? IF has been a fad for 5 years, if that. You can develop breast cancer 10, 20, even 50 years down the road. I just don’t get this at all.
Anonymous says
My only advice is to be kind to yourself. When my child was 10.5 months, my body was also super out of whack. It won’t ever be the same as it was before, but my child was pushing 2 before I felt remotely “normal” (as in closer to the proportions I was before – not saying there is a “normal” for women in general). I could have gotten there faster with some weight lifting. I really only did cardio – some running as time allowed.
Redux says
Same for me. I eat really healthy and am not an exerciser, but with two little ones it took two full years before I felt anywhere close to a jumping off point to start getting in shape. The sleep deprivation/ stress/ and general upside-downness of having two was waaaaay more than I budgeted for (1 was so easy! 2 is… wow). So now, with the littlest turning 2 I finally feel like I can *start* getting in shape.
And also, because it always bears repeating: you are so much more than the numbers on your clothing tags! You are joy and you are wit and you are love and those things cannot be quantified.
H13 says
+1 I had my 2nd 20 months ago and it still feels like a rollercoaster every day. It took me until my first was two to feel “normal” again and I am trying to remember that this time. I get to the gym once a week. It’s fine for now.
And, while you figure things out, it might be worth getting some help on styling your new shape to feel the best you can. The right clothes make such a difference.
Anonymous says
I did WW for around 6 months when I was about a year postpartum. It can accommodate BF if you are still nursing. It was helpful to me in resetting how much was an appropriate amount of food to eat after the weight/appetite swings of pregnancy and early nursing days.
I ignored the WW foods/any foods with artificial sweeteners and focused on learning appropriate portion control and how to fuel my body with foods that made me feel satisfied and non-food focused stress relief tactics.
Anonymous says
Sometimes a tummy pooch is a symptom of diastasis recti, so could be worth trying to figure out if that is an issue. Traditional ab exercises can actually exacerbate the problem.
Jeffiner says
+1. The first thing I thought when I saw your measurements was diastasis recti. I would see if you could find a physical therapist that specializes in women’s health.
Katarina says
I found that my body continued to adjust for more like 18 months after birth. By that I mean, my ribcage size and waist went down relative to my hips (which were never very big) independent of weight loss. It took longer after my second, even though I lost weight faster than the first time.
Annie says
+1 it just took a lot longer than I was expecting.
ElisaR says
THANKS everyone for your thoughts! Yes, I am trying to be kind to myself and also trying to not buy a whole new wardrobe but really that’s what has to happen. Just shocked at how it can be such an extreme difference
anon says
In the same boat. My second is 14 months and I only recently began exercising. I was too sleep deprived before to do it. I really love the fitness blender videos (rec’d here!) and I just don’t eat breakfast. Welp.
H13 says
Any advice on how to get a 5-year-old on the bus in the morning? He says things like, “I don’t want to go. I don’t like kindergarten. Etc.”
I think I’ve identified that the chaos of getting off the bus is hard on him. Too many kids and too much confusion. We are going to talk to him about that tonight.
It is a scramble every morning and so hard on everyone. He comes home happy and seems fine while he is there. It is just a really hard way to start the day.
Anonymous says
Maybe I’m too soft, but it sounds like the bus isn’t working and I’d try to make alternative arrangements. Is there a neighbor with kids at his school you could pay to drive him too?
Anonymous says
Talk to him at a totally non-stress time about preparing for the chaos. When you leave the house for the bus stop, prepare again for the chaos. Talk a lot. Give him one thing to focus on (maybe one friend to sit with on the bus, maybe one snack to eat on the bus, maybe a keychain to hold onto in his pocket, I have no idea what the options are here because I don’t have kids taking the bus yet). Rather than doing any goodbyes when the bus arrives, do those goodbyes at the house beforehand. I think it’s really important to get him used to this bus pick up thing, because presumably he’s going to be taking the bus for many years. Good luck mama.
H13 says
Thanks. He just randomly started talking about the chaos of getting off the bus at school this morning. It had never come up before, but I am hopeful that addressing it will help. I can imagine being the littlest in a crowd of bigger kids is hard. I am short and get overwhelmed on subway platforms!
Everyone takes the bus here. It is just the culture (and not something I experienced growing up). I like the idea of giving him something to hold in his pocket. We are lucky to have a neighbor he sits with in the mornings.
Anon says
Does the neighbor go to the same place your son does? Are they in the same classroom? Maybe use a buddy system to help him not feel alone in the sea of big kids. Kind of a relay race of friends/teachers who he sees on his way in.
“Okay so you’ll sit with Noel Neighbor on the bus, and you’ll get off and walk to the kindergarten classrooms together. On the way, you’ll pass Principal Polly and say hi to her. Then you’ll see Carlos Classmate and Carla Classmate and you three can go into Mrs Teacher’s classroom together. So you can just focus on walking with Noel and then looking for Carlos and Carla. Don’t worry about the other kids or where they’re going – you and Noel know what to do! I’m proud of you!”
H13 says
I like the idea of having touchstones along the way. I honestly don’t know what it is like when he arrives at school. I think he might like the bus itself but not the experience between the bus and the classroom. The neighbor goes to the same school but is a grade older. I should definitely find out more about what happens upon arrival. Such a great idea – thank you!
Anonymous says
Sometime when you take him, can you time it so that you two arrive when the bus would arrive? That way you’ll have a better idea of the situation and be able to troubleshoot a little easier? And you can walk through it with him and try to downplay the chaos/point out positives.
Anonymous says
Oops – confusing OP with the commenter below. Still a suggestion if you’re able.
DLC says
I don’t know if O have any helpful advice, but definitely commiserating: my six year old also doesn’t like the bus- she asks every day if I can drive her to school, and I say no because I have to work. A couple times a month, if I don’t have to be a work in the morning, I will drive her. Near as I can tell she doesn’t like the bus because 1) it is a long bus ride (she is in a magnet program so it takes about an hour to get to school) 2) the bus is never on time so she doesn’t get to walk to class with her friends, 3) she has no friends on the bus- last year she had a couple kids in her class on her bus, but we moved and her new bus route is only 3 kids, none of whom are in her class. 3) she loves audio books and she know if I drive her she will get more audiobook time. So yeah, pretty much nothing in her plus column for taking the bus.
Anyhow, some morning there are tears, but I try to be empathetic while just sticking firm and tell her this is how she gets to school. I let her choose a special toy to put in her backpack to play with on the bus (Barbies or a coloring book and special pens, etc.) and that seems to help. I also give us a lot of lead time to get out the door so that I have a buffer if there is a meltdown- like i give her 15 minutes to put on her shoes and get out the door.
Also, even though it might not feel like it to us grown ups, the school year is still new, so it might be part of the bigger picture of adjusting to being in school. If you can get him to pinpoint his anxiety, then you can give him the tools to cope and accept that this is the normal and he just needs to deal with it.
H13 says
It is so hard! Great idea about a special toy for on the bus only. And we definitely need more time to adjust for this daily episode. We are trying to get him to bed early to make sure he gets enough sleep but we still often have to wake him in the mornings to get moving.
Thanks for the input and commiseration. It really is all so new for them.
anon says
I don’t know if this is even a possibility, but could you get your daughter an old ipod and kids headphones so she could listen to audiobooks on the bus? Would they allow that? I think that could make the bus more fun for your audio-book loving girl!
Resentment: An Update says
I posted Monday about how much I resent my husband. To recap, we have a 3 year old and a 10 month old, and he travels for work 4-5 nights per week. Baby has had recurring ear infections, 3 year old is… 3, and husband also spends about one weekend per month playing golf (often out of town).
I appreciate all the great advice, and I have followed some already: checked out How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids, started researching couples counseling, scheduled a therapist for just me.
Then, Monday afternoon, the phone rang. It was the daycare. They said they had tried to call my husband at 3, but he didn’t call them back. They were calling to tell him baby had a low grade fever. (At this daycare, if you can pick up your kid before the fever reaches 101, kid can come back tomorrow. If they are still at school when fever reaches 101, kid can’t come back tomorrow.) He did not call the daycare back, nor did he tell me the daycare had called. So by the time they called me at 5, guess what? Fever is over 101, and baby is out sick for tomorrow.
I snapped. I called him and got no answer. Because he was on the godforsaken golf course. Out of state, by the way. So I called him five times in a row, punctuating this with texts telling him what happened and asking why the eff he didn’t bother to send me a quick text that says “hey heads up you might want to call the daycare” (subtext: because if you don’t you’re going to be totally screwed for tomorrow since I’m gone all week on this golf trip). Finally got him on the phone and really just yelled at him for like ten minutes and had what I’m pretty sure was a panic attack.
So then I began the work of handling the sick kid: text both grandmas to beg someone to keep him tomorrow since I have non-negotiable work commitments most of the day. Call the pediatrician to make an appointment. They’re closed already so try again tomorrow. Realize I have to attend pediatrician appointment myself, not just send a grandma, because I need to beg them to refer us for ear tubes. Somehow feed 3 year old and put him to bed, God Bless Paw Patrol. Stay awake all night holding screaming baby. Call pediatrician and beg for same-day appointment, and the only available time slot is in the middle of a Very Important Meeting that I now have to miss. And so forth.
On Tuesday morning, I sent husband a text (would have called, but there’s no reception on this super exclusive fancy pants golf resort) saying we need to make some changes and I need one day a week where he is responsible. I need him to do drop off and pickup, on this one weekly day, and if he’s going to be out of town, to get a sitter. I tell him he can pick which day.
He doesn’t respond. I follow up on Tuesday night. He says I’m being “way too emotional” and that we can’t discuss this over text, and I’ll have to wait until he gets home so I can “be more calm.”
So I think that’s when I decided I am done. If he can’t even say “Of course, I’ll do one day a week, we will work it out,” then I really don’t care what else he has to say. But it descended into more texts, I say a hundred different ways that he doesn’t listen to me, and he says that “being a mom is too much for you,” “I’m tired of listening to your overblown complaining,” and “being a mom is just too big of a job for you.”
I’m pretty sure I can’t ever forgive any of that and don’t really see why I would want to, but I’m posting to say thanks for the advice on Monday, to give an update (unfortunately a bad one), and to see if anyone has advice other than dump him. Thanks all.
ElisaR says
I’m so sorry this sounds awful. This sounds like a situation where he should come home. Baby is sick. Emergencies happen and this is one of them. Couples therapy sounds like it could be helpful and probably necessary if you’re looking for an alternative to dumping him.
Anonymous says
not a mom, but I read your first post and your post today on regular board.
he’s not coming home because he sucks. OP you are a wonderful woman and you need to jettison this trashhole of a man. You can do this. Meet with a divorce lawyer today and get yourself to a better life.
You’re already solo parenting without him, this is just the last step to take care of YOURSELF.
Anon says
Sorry, the guy on the golf course is criticizing you for being a bad mom for not figuring out how to make arrangements for his children while he’s on a solo vacation?
Are you the one posting on the main board about how to separate? I hope so. I’d be tempted to have him served with papers while he was on the golf course, but I might be more vindictive than the average person.
Talk to a divorce lawyer about what to do today to protect your interest in financial assets. Maintain calendars of all of the time he’s spent out of town to bolster your argument for custody. Prepare to give up the house (you may end up being able to stay there, but don’t get attached or spend thousands fighting about it.)
I was similar to your kids and my parents’ divorce was probably really good for m=\[ says
I agree with the comments that your husband is being unreasonable. He’s not being a good husband or a good dad. A good dad spends time with his kids. Maybe the work travel can’t be avoided, but if that’s the case, he should be doing everything in his power to spend his non-work time with his kids.
I was quite small when my parents divorced. From my dad’s total lack of knowledge of babies and some hints my parents dropped, I get the impression that my dad was similarly not involved (though probably more to work than fun outings) and my mom was similarly really unhappy. After the divorce, he turned into a great dad who took me to school, picked me up from after care (sometimes late), spent tons of time talking with me, etc.
The divorce was really terrible from what I gather, but my mom now is very happy, much happier than she would have been staying with my dad. My dad basically focused on me and work the rest of his life (getting a lot more time for work as I got bigger), which I think was what made him happy. We had a great relationship until he recently passed. I don’t think he would have spent so much time with me if he could have left it to a wife to take care of me.
Divorce might not have this effect on your family, but I wanted to share a story with a happy ending.
I was similar to your kids... says
Also, given that your salary alone could provide for the family, a good dad would be thinking hard about stepping back from a job that involved so much time away from wife and two young kids. Maybe that wouldn’t be the right answer in the end, but it would at least be a conversation with you.
I was similar to your kids... says
One more thing—it took me awhile to respond because how your husband is behaving is so outrageous I was practically speechless.
I now extra appreciate my mom for supporting me through my dad’s final months and his funeral, seeing his friends at his funeral who were probably jackasses to her, and never once saying anything bad about him. And for divorcing him so I didn’t grow up thinking their dynamic was normal or ok.
FVNC says
His comments were so, so cruel. That he can make these statements about your parenting when he’s not, well, parenting is just beyond. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I will say — ear tubes are great. My son had them at 11 months, after basically being sent home every week or two for ear infections/fevers that led to screaming all night. basically exactly what it sounds like you’re going through. They worked really well, he started sleeping, has been healthier, etc. So on that front at least, you can definitely expect some improvement soon!
rakma says
My heart goes out to you. His response was so devoid of caring I can see why it feels like the last straw (particularly since he was on a golf course! not even on a work trip!)
I know it’s one more thing, but can you plan for the kids to not be around when you first see him when he get home? It sounds like whatever conversation you’re going to have will be a hard one, and it might be easier to say it all (or yell it all, which is where I’d be in your shoes) without worrying if the kids can hear it.
Anonymous says
ok, so in no particular order:
(1) your husband is right. This was a very emotional reaction and not something to discuss via text. You two need to really talk, with or without a mediator.
(2) if I remember your previous post, there are some power dynamics (eg. he makes 3x more than you) impacting things that have gone un-discussed. In your head, you are equals in terms of career priority.
(3) you have two kids at really rough ages. I have a 4 month old, a 2 year old that embodies “terrible twos” in a way I did not know possible and a 5 year old who is not yet in Kindy. I work part time and on days I have the kids home I am close to a breakdown. DH and I had A Talk last night because while he is less “absent” than your DH, he is not physically present and OH MY GOD I NEED HELP. But we had the conversation and agreed that we need to spend more money and put the 2 year old in more outside-the-house care before she hurts the baby/the baby gets hurt while I’m dealing with 2 year old, or before I totally lose my temper with her and do something I regret (I was THISCLOSE to smacking her yesterday, which is 100% against my parenting philosophy). Some of this is just all coming to a head for you and your husband at a bad time: daycare illness, work travel, needy kids.
(4) Do you have a working mom mentor/ friends that are dual income families? How did each of you grow up? This may be helpful to think on.
(5) Has having you SAH ever come up? Is this something you would hate? Is this something DH wants but you would hate? The conversation may need to be “XYZABC tasks need to happen. I cannot do them while working full time. You cannot do them. Do we hire out or do I step back?” If you do not want to step back, then don’t present it as an option. Change it to “we need to hire for XYZ.”
At the end of the day, I think you need a partner. Even if you (continue to) bear 100% of the default parenting, you need your partner to acknowledge this, to help strategize, and to be fine throwing money at things to keep you sane.
Anonymous says
One quick amendment- I thought the golf trips were related to work (the majority HHI job). If they’re just vacation, then that changes things a LOT. But it’s still not a text convo.
Anon says
She tried to call. He wasn’t available and/or didn’t answer. Text was the only way to communicate with him. And what is she supposed to do? Stay silent for the next three days and then yell at him when he gets home? You know his response would be that this came out of nowhere and if she would have called, he could have helped.
The answer to a shi++y husband is not to quit your job or hire out the work he won’t do. It’s for husband to stop being shi++y. And if he won’t, there’s not a whole lot of merit to keeping him around. Yes sounds like he’s a good dad, and he can keep being a good dad from another house. But he is NOT being a good partner, and it sounds like he isn’t even trying to become one, so why should OP’s life be harder just to accomodate that?
Anonymous says
In my marriage, we have agreed not to have important discussions via text. I’m the most guilty of that.
If this were me and DH, yes, I’d reach him by phone later in the day to discuss the immediate issue and then have it out when he got back, in person.
But everyone’s style is different.
Anonymous says
This may not be a popular opinion, but I’m not sure why a higher earning partner should automatically have career priority, especially if each partner earns enough to support the family. I’m just not as driven by dollars as some people, but there are lots of important, prestigious careers that aren’t super high-paying and I don’t know why women automatically default to “oh I don’t make as much as my husband, I need to lean out.”
OP says
Thank you– this is exactly how I feel. I actually make a lot of money on my own. My career is amazing and I love it. Many of my coworkers are men, and some of them support their family on their one income, which is the same as mine. No one ever asks them if they’d like to go part-time. I have my dream job that I aspired to and am proud to have. There is nothing wrong with those who choose to be SAHMs. But it is not for me. And I reject the idea that because I chose to marry someone who makes a lot LOT lot of money, my career suddenly is less important. My career is important and it matters. Becoming a SAHM or even going part time to accommodate a husband who won’t pull his weight… no.
Yasss OP says
Slow clap. Standing ovation. Putting this comment on a pedestal and worshipping at its feet. Damn girl, you said it!
Anon says
YES! I’m also in the same situation. DH makes 3-4x what I do, but I have a very respectable job with a six-figure income. I wish I could print this on a t-shirt and wear it all the time (or at least when I feel the pressure to be a SAHM).
Anon says
+1000!!!!
I would just like to push back on the idea that he is a good dad. My father was never around when I was a kid. I knew some of it was for work, but a lot of it was optional. And I took from that experience that men have no time for me and have no desire to hang out with me. Just because he may be able to interact with the kids in an ok manner for 5 min or 10 min a day/week doesn’t make him a good dad.
Wow says
I’m so sorry. From the other page it looks like you are have decided to ask for a separation, and I don’t blame you one bit. If nothing else, maybe it will finally scare him into action and force him to get his stuff together. I would be incensed in your situation (wtf golf??). Being a mom is not too big of a job for you, being a mom who does everything for two small kids on top of working a full time job would be difficult for anyone. Sending you hugs.
Anon says
Wow I’m really sorry. I am not a good fighter so I would have likely said “You know what? Sorry the one day is too much for you, but you are going to have every Wednesday PLUS every other weekend to figure out when we have joint custody. And we’ll see just how much YOU like being a mom.”
But seriously. Dude wants to continue living like a bachelor who has a maid and servant at home. I’m really sorry he’s like this, and he’ll have a rude awakening when a court forces him to care about childcare.
Anonymous says
Let’s be real, he’ll find a way to pawn the kids off on someone else while he goes and golfs. He’s not a good dad currently if he’s not taking responsibility; he’s more like a good uncle or something.
Anonymous says
I assume you’re the one who posted on the main s!te saying you’re asking for a divorce tonight (based on the ages of the kids). You said you can’t bear to have yours kids away from you every other week so I just wanted to tell you that will most likely be the result if you file for divorce. If you can prove abuse or drug addiction or something like that it may be different, but most states default to 50-50 custody. You said in your main site page that only having them every other week would leave you “brokenhearted” so I just want you to know that’s almost certainly the reality that you’re facing. In my very conservative, Southern state, even SAHMs have to share custody, unless the dad voluntarily gives it up (which is not unheard of, but not common). I know several people staying in not great marriages for exactly this reason. Just something to know before you file.
Anonymous says
I definitely don’t disagree with this. That said, any thoughts on how that would work if the other parent travels so often? It really doesn’t seem feasible for him to have that much physical custody given his current employment. What do courts do then?
Anonymous says
I don’t know, but I think that’s all the more reason to consult an attorney. You need answers to these questions before you ask for a separation.
Anon says
I have a lot of friends in non-traditional work hour industries (think doctors, police officers, transportation workers).
Typically the judge will do a every other weekend for the non-primary parent. Plus one night during the week (to be arranged X days in advance – and non-primary agrees to transport child to any extracurriculars on that night). And then primary parent gets “right of first refusal” where if non-primary is going to be gone during his scheduled time, the primary parent can take them overnight first before non-primary defaults to nanny or grandparents or someone else.
But this isn’t always a given, and can be hard to navigate, so you definitely want an attorney involved.
So Sorry says
It sounds like your husband is a fundamentally selfish person who does not meaningfully contribute to your family (money ain’t enough), value you, or value spending time with his children. “Functionally I am a single parent working full time. You don’t spend time with me or the kids, you don’t help run the household, and you are condescending, so what is the point of you?!” is honestly the only question I would be asking in your shoes. I can’t give any meaningful advice about what you should do next, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I was talking about your post to my husband last night. He was stunned that your husband chooses to spend time out of town golfing when he works so much out of town. Your husband’s behavior is so, so sad.
mascot says
While it’s awesome that daycare called your husband first, can you ask that they call both of you if the first parent doesn’t answer/respond promptly? I assume for a significant emergency, they’d be calling all your numbers.
And yeah, you guys need a come to jesus talk and some counseling. His (in)actions are not acceptable or sustainable.
Anon says
What does his mom say about this? I wouldn’t regularly say that you should pull in family but if you are leaning on the grandmas so much I am surprised that his mom hasn’t said ‘where is my son?”. Is this the model that he grew up with?
I would ask family to watch the kids for one day and use the weekend to have one day for you (as your husband watches the kids) and then the other day to focus on these things, if he doesn’t take you seriously and take steps to helping find a therapist and make change then I would consider moving towards a divorce. This is the time for ultimatums.
Lastly I am sorry you are going through this. This sounds so stressful and you are being really strong. I hope there is a time in the future where you don’t have to be so strong and you can get the break and support you deserve.
Spirograph says
First of all, a big hug to you. You were already at your breaking point, and this pushed it way over the edge. My husband has snapped with similar comments to “I’m sorry being a mom is too much for you” on occasion when things are all going sideways, and it is incredibly hurtful. You don’t deserve that. Being a mom is not too big a job for any of us, but sometimes it is HARD, and your partner needs to support you in those times, not add to the stress.
I do agree with your husband, though, that you shouldn’t discuss this over text. It’s too easy to be mean and insensitive when you’re not looking someone in the eye having a tough conversation. I suggest telling your husband that you need to discuss this in person when he gets back, and scheduling a babysitter or arranging for the kids to stay with grandparents for a night so you can have some uninterrupted time to talk. Try to wipe the slate clean from the angry texts (on both sides) and address the root issue that you feel like your partnership is unequal, and you need his help to work on changing that, if that’s what you both want. Good luck to you, I hope things change.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I have no helpful advice, I just want to echo everyone else to say that I am so so sorry that you are in this situation. You’re doing so much for your family and you don’t deserve this sh*tty treatment from your husband. I hope you know that this is unacceptable and that you don’t have to deal with this. This is not how a true partner acts. Easy for me to say from my vantage point, but I would seriously start pursing divorce options, especially if he doesn’t seriously consider couples counseling.
BPS says
+1 to this. Sending love, good vibes, and I hope you get the best outcome for yourself.
Anonymous says
Dump. Dump dump dump. I truly believe you will look back on this at some future point and thank yourself for taking this seriously and doing this for yourself – and for your kids. He is acting callous to you AND to the kids – I’m sorry, he didn’t pay attention to his OWN SICK CHILD at daycare.
He is being completely unreasonable and I almost can’t even respond to this I’m so mad for you. It is going to get better, starting now, because you are soon going to have a life where you don’t have to take care of three children – a toddler, a baby, and a man child.
I think this was you asking about custody on the main page. I can’t help with much but we have part custody of my husband’s child from a first marriage and our custody has been Tuesday, Wednesday, and every other weekend. That gives each family a few days and nights in a row so there’s not constant chaos. This started when my stepchild was about 4 or 5 so a little older than yours.
Hang in there – you are doing what’s best for you and for your kids.
Aly says
This is so rough. Lean on the grandparents where you can. I know you can’t re: ear tubes, but, friend, you need a break. My thoughts are with you.
Walnut says
There’s a season of life for leisurely golf trips. That season is NOT while parenting toddlers.
anon says
+1 to this
Anonymous says
OP, how did this even happen? Meaning, I cannot fathom a world in which either I or my husband would check out for days- much less WEEKENDS- at a time indivudally for anything other than Big Events (weddings, etc) or work events. I had assumed all this golf had to do with work but since it’s leisure…that’s banana crackers. Is this a discussion or just DH saying “Hey, so I’m going to be golfing Saturday into Sunday, see you then?”
I am purely playing Devil’s Advocate here because I think this situation is crazy, but have you ever said “uh, no dear, sorry, can’t do 18 holes Sunday because we have children and you need to spend time with them. We are going [to the pumpkin patch/to Friend’s house/to do nothing but mama needs a rest because I’ve been solo parenting all week].” Or done he gets Saturday/you get Sunday? Assuming you’ve unsuccessfully advocated for this in the past, then all signs point to a DH who is not actually ready to be a parent despite having 2 kids.
Signed,
Someone whose DH used to spend the weekend golfing and who now, under duress, has signed up to coach a team of hilariously uncoordinated 5 year olds playing on a soccer team called the Super Glitter Rainbow Sparkles (record 0-3).
Anonymous says
I agree with this. OP, your husband sounds AWFUL, but I guess I’m a bit confused why divorce is what you default to before you simply tell him “No, you can’t golf every weekend, this doesn’t work for our family.” Pretty much as soon as our first baby was born, I made it clear to my husband that weekends were family time. Exceptions were work events, important family obligations (weddings, etc.) and very occasional parental fun like girls’ or boys’ trips, with the permission of the other parent. But our default is weekends = time as a nuclear family and it has helped a lot at preventing situations like this.
Anonymous says
My impression from OP’s post the other day is that he just goes regardless of whether or not she tells him he needs to stay.
OP says
Yes, that’s correct. I have asked him not to go, and he responds that if I need help I should just call a babysitter or one of our moms. I have “told” him not to go, and he says that will never work and I should communicate better. (A theme with him is that my complaints are not “communicated well.” I think he wants me to bake a plate of warm cookies and give him a footrub while asking for whatever shred of help I need.) His response is always that it’s not that big of a deal, it’s not that long, it’s not that difficult, and that if I need help I should just get a sitter. So, yes, I’ve done all of this. He leaves.
Anon at 1:41 says
Well, nevermind then. He sounds like a complete a$$hat and I think you’re better off without him.
Anonymous says
This is nuts. He is not ready to be a co-parent. Devils advocate played!
anon says
I’m so sorry and I think he’s showing you who he is. I’ve had times when I get frustrated with DH (or he’s probably frustrated with me over work), and I think that’s to be expected when working and parenting kids. But when stuff hits the fan we both drop everything and figure it out. His behavior is inexcusable and I think you handled the situations appropriately.
Anonymous says
So much this. I don’t think there’s any such thing as smooth sailing with 2 careers and young kids. But when I was about to lose my d@mn mind last year while my husband was away on a trip with his friends, he changed his flight and came home to help bail me out. He was angry about it, and I could have handled the situation better, but we made it work together. You have to be there for each other, and it makes me so angry, OP, that you husband hasn’t learned this yet.
Anonymous says
Agreed. I get frustrated with DH, but I can’t imagine him ever blowing me off like this and I’d be ready to file for divorce if he did.
H13 says
I just want to say how sorry I am. This sounds like a truly awful situation and I think his behavior is deplorable.
BTanon says
+1. So, so sad to hear this update. Wishing you strength as you deliberate next steps.
Anonymous says
I just want to say that I have only one toddler, my husband travels for work a lot less than yours, and I’d still be resentful if he went on even one golfing trip with his buddies – because I haven’t had a trip away since the baby was born, so why should he get one? Gahhh. I can’t even imagine work travel 4-5 nights/week and then regular golf trips on top of that!
aelle in aerospace says
I caught up on the other thread today and see your update just afterwards. The things your husband says to you are all sorts of belittling and dismissive, but “Being a mom is just too big of a job for you” is just plain awful. Of course it’s a big job, but you are momming up just fine. He is the one who is, evidently, not up to the task. I am sorry.
SC says
I’m sorry, too. Your husband’s behavior and comments are unacceptable. How dare he criticize you when he’s on a golf trip and you’re trying to hold everything together? And you are justifiably upset that he’s on a golf trip and ignoring his family–that doesn’t mean being a mom is too much for you.
I recommended marriage counseling the other day. I’d skip that and pursue a divorce (but talk to a divorce lawyer first). I really, really don’t say that lightly, but I don’t see any other path to handling someone who disrespects you this much. Any counseling should be focused on how to effectively co-parent as a divorced couple.
Anon says
Some people on the main board are not giving particularly helpful or nice responses, though obviously there you did not include the entire background of the situation. What your husband said to you is cruel, though obviously he cannot handle fatherhood if he needs to go on so many golf trips a year. I am also very curious as to what he does for a living that he seems to have so much vacation time to just travel like that.
It sounds like both sets of parents live locally – just be careful of how you involve your in-laws, because if things do turn ugly (and hopefully they won’t), they will likely side with your spouse.
Good luck and hang in there! You are an AMAZING mom and your kids are lucky to have you!
anon says
I’m so so sorry. I read through some of the comments on the main page and I agree with talking to a lawyer before you tell him anything. It’s funny that you will actually be doing your kids a favor, possibly, because with a separation they will have dedicated time with their dad.
Sarabeth says
He is terrible, and you are right to be moving towards separation. You absolutely need to consult a lawyer before doing anything, including bringing up the idea with him.
In your specific situation, I would ask your lawyer about the merits of a 50-50 custody schedule with a ‘right of first refusal clause’ which stipulates that if either of you cannot be with the children overnight during your scheduled parenting time, you must offer the other parent the opportunity to take the children before finding other care. You probably *don’t* want a clause for shorter blocks of time. You should be able to go out for a drink after work and get a sitter without involving your STBX. And I would not want this clause in permanent orders, it can get very contentious in the long run. But in the short run, it would be a way to give 50-50 time while building a record of how much time he can actually take, given his work/golf schedule. If he can only take 20% of the time while you are separated, that may be a factor in the final custody arrangements. Or it may not, your lawyer will have more specific information on your jurisdiction. But it’s worth asking about.
As I commented on the main page, I’d look at a 2-2-3 schedule at this age. When the baby is a bit older and can handle longer blocks of separation from you, 2-2-5-5 provides more consistency. But again, given his schedule, you may have a real argument for something like every other weekend plus one weeknight for him. If it gets to that stage, offer that he can pick the weeknight based on his work schedule (with at least a week’s advance notice, if he doesn’t notify you, it defaults to Wednesday). You want to look like you are trying your best to get him equitable parenting time. And you actually want him to be able to take it, if at all possible. What you don’t want is to end up with a 50-50 schedule on paper, but either 1) you actually have them 80% of the time (but only get child support reflecting the 50-50 split) or 2) he has them 50% of the time, but he’s actually gone half of those nights and they are with a nanny, or his family. Even if his family is great and you think they are good childcare, it can get very messy very quickly if they get de facto custody.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. I am divorced with 50/50 custody and I miss my kid and it sucks. But I am so much more sane and a much better parent and it’s better for everyone. I think your kids deserve to grow up in a way that does not make it seem that your husband’s awful treatment of you is normal or acceptable. It’s time to leave. And don’t take him back, no matter what.
PinkKeyboard says
I’m just so sorry for you. Being a Mom isn’t too big of a job for you, being a Mom who is supposed to have a partner and instead has a useless, selfish, POS is too big of a job for you. He should be helping you, he should be MISSING HIS CHILDREN. I can’t imagine my husband (who is deeply flawed in so many ways and I recently told him to shape up because if I murdered him burying his large self in our clay soiled backyard would be a lot of work) not wanting to spend his non-traveling time with his family. Or having those responses. None of what he said to you is okay, none of how he is treating you is okay. I’d consult a few divorce attorneys and make sure you have all your financial accounts info and money he can’t access/drain for living expenses before you tell him. Make sure you are protected and also make sure you don’t send any texts that he could use against you in a divorce.
CPA Lady says
If he’s this much of an entitled selfish a-hole over his personal time, not to mention cruel and dismissive, get the best lawyer you can possibly find because I would be willing to bet that he’s going to be a complete DOOSH (to borrow El len’s phrase) during the divorce.
Please put yourself in the best possible place of power before telling him you’re done. My mom got so scr3wed over in my parent’s divorce because she thought my completely unreasonable dad would all of a sudden start acting reasonably (spoiler alert: he did not).
Anonymous says
Yes. Find the best divorce lawyer in town. Hire them. Take alllllllll the money.
Emily S. says
I have this dress in a striped pattern, and I love it! Of note, J.Crew has scaled back its vanity sizing, so whereas I’m usually a 10 in J.Crew (with room) but between a 10-12 everywhere else, I went with the 12 and it fits nicely. I feel like it’s one of the only items in my closet that’s safe for casual Friday at my conservative office. (Anyone else have this problem?)
AnotherAnon says
What’s your favorite online grocery delivery (and why)? We live in the suburbs of Houston, if that helps. For locals, I’m leaning toward HEB – they charge a delivery fee, optional driver tip, and 1% upcharge on all items ordered. The only other ones I know about are Shipt and Instacart. I probably won’t use it every week, but we’re currently out of things like milk and toddler food pouches, and I’m solo parenting this week so the thought of going to the grocery tonight after school pickup seems horrible.
ElisaR says
I do Amazon fresh. I have also tried fresh direct. I like Amazon fresh best. They pack frozen stuff in dry ice and cold stuff with frozen water bottles which you can reuse! I find their delivery slots are good – lots of times available sometimes same day.
Anon says
We like peapod (operated through giant). We like it because the truck is packed at a warehouse, a professional driver with a marked truck comes and delivers things and it’s almost always right (and customer service has been great when it wasn’t). 2 hour delivery windows, including on weekends. The prices are more or less equivalent to Giant store prices. I think an annual pass is something like $200 and that gets you free delivery on $100 orders (and $1-$2 delivery on $80 and $60 orders). We set up a delivery for Saturday or Sunday morning every week when we know we’re otherwise home and both DH and I can add and subtract to the order from the app usually until the night before the delivery. Downside is that you usually need at least 1 days’ notice to schedule an order, but for me the accuracy and professionalism is worth it (not something we experienced with our multiple instacart orders). We use instacart in a pinch if we need something that day, but 95% of our grocery is through peapod. I would be willing to try A fresh, but we’re not in their delivery zone yet.
HSAL says
I’ve only used Shipt (available here with Target and Meijer) for a couple months but I LOVE it. $99 for a year, but you can find deals for $49 very easily. No delivery fee for orders over $35. Tips are optional, but I usually do around 10%, which is totally worth it to me. You can usually get delivery in two hours (or schedule for later) and they bring everything in for you. It’s amazing.
I’ve also tried Amazon Prime Now with Fresh Thyme a few times, which was fine, but I just don’t buy much there that I can’t get elsewhere.
Anonymous says
Our local grocery store chain (regional in the Midwest) has its own delivery service. It’s what I use if I get delivery. You might check with the stores. It’ll likely be cheaper. Ours is free if the order is over a certain amount.
FP says
I use Amazon Prime Now for both regular items through Amazon and also Whole Foods delivery. The prices are reasonable and not marked up from the store, and delivery is free if you spend $35 and you have a Prime account. I’m in a medium sized Southern city and have had great experiences.
Anonymous says
Starting a new job next week when I will be 35 weeks pregnant. Any tips for making a good first impression with my new colleagues? I am equal parts amazed to have landed such a great gig while pregnant, and terrified of how I will handle it all.
Anon says
kudos to you for making a change while pregnant and glad to hear of an employer that is willing to hire someone who is so far along in their pregnancy. out of curiosity – what field are you in?
just be kind to yourself. they have to know that a 35 week pregnant woman is not going to be at her best self in her 3rd trimester, nor when she returns right after having the baby. how long is your maternity leave? is this your first?
i would say don’t minimize or ignore the fact that you are pregnant (which is clearly impossible at 35 weeks) but perhaps try not to focus on your pregnancy. emphasize how excited you are to be there, how you look forward to getting up to speed, etc. the same things you would do if you weren’t 35 weeks pregnant.
Anonymous says
Fellow 34-week pregnant lady here giving you major props! Congrats on the new job! Sending you all the best vibes :)
ElisaR says
They will be super impressed by you for starting a new job at 35 weeks pregnant! Definitely memorable. Good luck!
Mom to 2 year old says
My son is turning 2 next week – we’re not having a big birthday party but close relatives want to buy him something for his birthday. I always struggle with what to have people get. I like the idea of educational toys, etc. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance!!
Anonymous says
Rody horse for a big gift. Art/craft supplies are excellent because you can use them up. Play-doh, paint, stickers, construction paper, finger paint + paper (pro tip: use in shower). Bubble bath and fun soap toys (bath crayons, bath paint, that sort of thing).
We also try and get sporting equipment out of birthdays ( I have 3 girls so it’s hand-me-down city around here). Soccer ball + net was a hit for one of my kids at two. My oldest turned 5 and got a (hot pink, sparkily) tennis racket. We also try and hit up the grandparents for things like rain gear (Hatley makes adorable jackets, boots and umbrellas and the grands love picking them out).
Experience gifts are the best, but no fun to unwrap which is the entire point for a 2 y/0. Maybe things like a pass to the local children’s museum and a cool museum-inspired toy or book (dinosaur, binoculars, slinky, idk).
My 2 y/o also loves duplos (her big sister is big into legos) so those are always a hit. She’s actually also pretty good at Lego Jr so she got one of those. Puzzles too.
Anonymous says
I asked this question last Tuesday I think and got some good answers! Memberships, play kitchen, shopping cart, easel, small table and chairs, magnatiles.
H13 says
Magnet blocks! Kinda pricey so great for grandparents to get and he will use them for years and years.
anon. says
Membership to local museum/zoo, scooter and helmet, Magnatiles are all on our 2 YO list!
Anon says
Build up your library of digital family-friendly movies – they can gift you the movies via iTunes or buy you a DVD/ BluRay that comes with Digital rights. Use Movies Anywhere to consolidate across your iTunes/ Apple/ Google accounts so you can watch them on any device.
There’s nothing to unwrap with a digital movie, but they can get a trinket connected to the movie. Get the movie Mary Poppins, and then give the related Little Golden Book. Get the movie Moana and get a Maui staff. Get Lego Batman and get either Batman duplos or just a regular Batman figure. Get the movie Cars and a set of Hot Wheels. Etc. It’s literally a never-ending gift idea (and you can theme to classic holiday movies and re-use in two months) and will be usable for years down the road.
Aly says
My two year old has suddenly flipped a switch. If I leave to go out at night and a babysitter arrives – a babysitter who she knows well and adores – she freaks out. I’m talking screaming, crying, limbs flailing. It’s so upsetting. It’s happened twice in the past week (two different sitters) and then this morning, when I left to go to work and my kid was staying at home with my husband, she lost it. I’m talking full on meltdown. She’s okay at daycare dropoff still, though I’m dreading dropoff becoming a huge emotional meltdown too. She’s never been like this. Even when she started day care (at 1, we’re Canadian), she trotted in without a peep. Usually she’s quite please to have a new adult to pay attention to her, especially dad. I am pregnant, but I’m not sure she gets it. I find this quite distressing, but also recognize that she’s 2, so big feelings are part of that age. Any tips? Is this just a strange phase?
farrleybear says
My kiddo went through a similar phase at that same age. Had always gone to bed at nap and night with no problems, but all of a sudden became terrified and didn’t want to be alone. It was rough but passed within about a month or 6 weeks. Hang in there.
Anonymous says
So I keep asking my BFF what I can get her daughter (my goddaughter) for her first birthday. She keeps saying she doesn’t need anything and not to get anything. But I *want* to get something and this is really frustrating. I know I can always get board book and clothes, but I would prefer something more special. They have a small house and hate clutter, so I really don’t want to get anything physically large. My friend is very anti-zoo/aquarium for ethical reasons and there aren’t really any children’s or science museums around them. I’m not local to them, so I can’t offer to babysit. Any ideas?
Also just a PSA to that giving people a gift list (when they ask) isn’t gift grabby, it’s actually doing a favor to the gift giver! I feel like she thinks she’s doing me a kindness by saying “thanks for thinking of us, but we don’t need anything” but she’s really not, because it’s important to me to get a gift. Arrrgggh.
Anonymous says
Donation to her college fund? Personalized book? Photography package for a first birthday shoot?
Anon says
Its a know your friend thing but:
-Swim lessons
-Pool Pass for the summer
-Baby music and movement class
-National Park Pass
– State Park Pass
– REI gift card so they can get her a bike seat for the back of their bikes
– A gift card for the parents for a dinner out for surviving the first year
– a custom kids board book photo book with photos of the people in her life: parents, god parents, grand parents, cousins etc.
But you could also honor her wishes and not get a gift and just send a heart felt card. This isn’t about your feelings its about hers.
AnotherAnon says
Gently – this isn’t about you. I am your friend and frankly it feels disrespectful and selfish when you give my child a gift when I have point-blank asked you not to multiple times. I have a lot of reasons for not wanting a gift for my child, none of which have anything to do with you. Please respect my wishes. If you refuse do that, you’re not being a very good friend.
Anonymous says
Trust me, I know my friend. It’s not that she doesn’t want gifts, it’s that she feels like it’s impolite to offer suggestions, even when I’ve asked. It’s a cultural thing. I know she will appreciate a gift, her culture just prohibits her from suggesting a specific thing.
Anonymous says
Adding to this that she hasn’t said “Please don’t get us a gift” or “we don’t want to spoil Susie, so we’re trying to limit how many gifts she gets” or anything like that. She’s said “that’s so kind of you to offer, but don’t feel like you need to get us anything” which is very different. I know I don’t *need* to get her anything, but I want to.
HSAL says
So for 1, my kid got a subscription to Highlights Hello magazine and it’s amazing. She loved getting her magazine in the mail, they’re tiny but sturdy enough for heavy baby use, and because they come all year it’s a little more special than just a book. Big fans here.
Anonymous says
Ooh, I love this idea – I loved Highlights as a kid. I didn’t even know it still existed.
Anonymous says
Babybug is also great.
rosie says
I would honor her wishes to the extent you can (well, I’m a gifter and would probably do a board book and a card, but not go overboard). If they live in a climate with seasons, an REI or LLBean gift card could be nice to help them get some cold weather gear. Keep in mind that no matter how special you think a particular gift is, if they don’t care for it and don’t like clutter, they’ll donate it. Might as well do something most likely to be practical if you are going to get something.
Anonymous says
Engraved Christmas ornament or silver photo frame
anon. says
I love the Highlights idea. I also think you could do a 6 month subscription to one of the literacy gift boxes (Strand has them, as do a few other sites) or Little Passports (that may be a bit too old for her now).
anon says
I really love the personalized books from Wonderbly.
DLC says
For my son’s first birthday, we asked for donations to the local diaper bank. Some people donated in his honor, some people gave us supplies to take to the diaper bank. I don’t know how people felt about this, but we really appreciated that people were so generous because clearly there are kids who have needs that ours don’t.
But otherwise, At that age, I liked getting clothes for the baby better than toys. I liked getting anything better than toys. Highlights magazine is a good option too.
Myrna M says
Is there a birthday party? Because if you’re bringing a gift when there’s been a directive not to, that’s pretty cruddy for the other folks who respected the given wishes.
If not -then never mind!
OP says
There is a birthday party, the invite didn’t say “no gifts” and everyone I know is bringing a gift. But I don’t live locally and can’t attend the party. I actually really wanted to fly in for it, but I’m too pregnant to fly.
WWYD- elementary schools says
Our town has 5 elementary schools (K-5), one middle and one high school. Because of the way our streets run, we are technically in district for elementary school A, which is ~2.5 miles from our house. However, our entire neighborhood is district B. We live .5 miles from B. In our town, if you live >2 miles from elementary, the bus is free. Otherwise, it’s $500/year per kid. Walking to B is along a main road with not so great sidewalks, and crossing a major state route– so it’s the kind of walk a young elementary schooler cannot do without a parent. Our neighbors take the bus or drive their kids, though the 4th/5th graders walk in nice weather. The bus stop for B is about a block away, in the opposite direction of the school, but through the neighborhood and she can walk herself after like, 2nd grade. The bus stop for A is half a block away, across the main town road from us (so she cannot go/come back without a parent- no crossing guard).
We have 3 kids, 2 years apart. So going to B and riding the bus would cost us $9000 over the course of the 6 years our kids go. I work from home and popping over to B is far, far more convenient that driving over to A (but in the grand scheme of things they are both relatively close–it’s a 10 minute round trip to B and a 25 minute round trip to A).
All education is equal. A is slightly more overcrowded but may not be next year as they’ll add a section. B has more sections. My oldest’s BFF is districted to A, but all her neighborhood friends and lots of other friends are districted to B.
The town has told us that while we are distracted to A, they would “very likely” (but has to go through a Process and Committee) approve us attending B since A is overcrowded and they are likely going to redistrict the town in the next few years anyway.
WWYD? My oldest goes to Kindergarten next year so the time to appeal is now, and it would impact the rest of the kids (I’m definitely not having kids at TWO DIFFERENT elementary schools!)
Anonymous says
I’d do B based on the fact that all the neighborhood kids go there.
DLC says
+1. Going where your kids have friends (and where you are friends with the parents) makes things so much better. My kid goes to a magnet school far away, and she has no friends close by so making play dates is a pain.
Aly says
B. Sounds like it would make your life easier. I’m all about setting up my life to be easy.
Sarabeth says
I would do B. I place a really high value on being in the same school as my kids’ neighborhood friends. It makes it so much easier to have them play with their school friends on afternoons and weekends, and it generally makes me feel like a have a stronger community in the neighborhood I live in. That’s important to me. It doesn’t sound like the $500/year is cost-prohibitive for you, so I’d just cough it up.
anon says
Definitely B. Don’t underestimate how nice it is to have your kids go to school with the neighborhood kids. Much easier all around. They can walk to a friend’s house, other parents can pick them up in emergencies or look out for them, you will be popping over there lots over the next 10 years (is my math right?).
Annie says
Just chiming in with hugs and to say I am so so sorry. Nothing productive to add — that is a terrible reaction on his part. Sounds like he wants a SAHM for a wife and didn’t tell you that up front, isn’t willing to tell you that now, and is being cruel about your beyond legitimate reaction to all this.
lsw says
Books? My librarian friend has consistently bought us high quality, hardcover children’s books that I would not be buying on my own and my child LOVES them. Here are our greatest hits:
The Watermelon Seed by Greg Pizzoli
Our Animal Friends at Maple Hill Farm by Alice Provensen (my son was OBSESSED with this book and we read it nightly for about six months around 18 months. bonus, you can read parts of it at a time and skip all around to their favorite animals)
Trucks Galore by Peter Stein
They All Saw a Cat by Brendan Wenzel
Dance (my favorite) or Cats by Matthew Van Fleet
lsw says
meant for gift buyer above, ugh
More Sleep Would Be Nice... says
Hi Wisehive. Need some tips, commiseration, or just tell me to STFU.
My soon-to-be 11 month old is waking up, consistently, around 5:45 AM. He wakes up ready to go and in a pretty good mood.
He’s overtired when I pick him up from daycare around 5:30 PM (been several weeks of crappy or no afternoon naps…ugh) and I get him down by 7 PM, which as y’all know, is a race against the clock. I think, like DH, he’s naturally an early riser (rarely sleeps past 6:30).
I try to wait until 6 AM to go in the room to get him. We did CIO sleep training when he was 5-6 months, so I’m fine with him making noises/crying a bit. Should I be doing anything else to extend his sleep? Is this a phase? Mornings would be easier with him sleeping in, even just a touch…
OP says
I should add, although he’s ready to go in the AM, I do think he gets overtired by the time we drop-0ff and it may throw off his naps at daycare.
AnotherAnon says
This is so tricky. My son had a weird sleep regression/nap issue around this time. We ended up switching day care for Montessori (due to a move, nothing against day care), and now he gets to sleep in a cold, dark, quiet room so his naps magically went from nonexistent to 2+ hours. So maybe look at ways to help day care encourage sleep hygiene? Other ideas: Is there any way you could get in a small nap before day care (I know this isn’t always possible). Or can you put him to bed earlier? Even doing these, this might be his new wake up time. I think you are fine letting him talk/fuss until 6 if he wakes at 5:30. Good luck!
OP says
Thank you so much. Unfortunately, it seems like he’s past the catnap pre-dropoff window (for now, at least). I can try to get him to bed earlier, but even 7 PM is tough. I hope this is a regression…
I’ll talk to his daycare, too. They are great generally, but I’ve always had to escalate sleep issues when they have popped up — e.g. they’ll say “Oh he’s getting older, maybe he doesn’t need that second nap.” That happened at one point, and after a few times, I escalated. Also — Um, yes. YES HE DOES.
Anonymous says
They may need to shorten his morning nap to get a good afternoon nap.
Anonymous says
Oh, good one. And probably get him down for this first one in a more timely fashion…Thank you!
OP says
Whoops – above from OP
rosie says
I would try an Ok to Wake clock. Set it for close to when he usually wakes up, then go in when it lights up and make a big deal out of how now it’s ok to get out of bed that it’s green, etc. Then you can start moving the time back gradually in 5-min increments. Not that it’s going to get him sleep to in until 8:30, but it has helped us. I also like that I can tell myself my daughter knows to look at the clock and lie back down if it’s not green yet. She likes the clock–gives it a pat every morning after we get her out of the crib.
I also agree that having no second nap is not helping things.
OP says
Will try this if the nap adjustment doesn’t work. TY!
Trigger warning – complicated feelings about 3rd pregnancy. says
Trigger warning – complicated feelings about 3rd pregnancy.
I’m hoping you guys can give me some wisdom. I’m pregnant with my third and so incredibly stressed out and anxious, and not excited at all. I feel ashamed of not being excited – especially because I had a lot of difficulty conceiving my first, to the point of having had multiple failed IVFs. So I well know the pain of infertility and that’s what made me give that trigger warning.
I have 2 small kids now and love them so dearly – but am so tired all the time. And I’m already an older mom – we’re just so shocked, and honestly, I’m depressed. We’re living almost paycheck to paycheck as it is, and were so looking forward to finally getting both kids out of daycare next year and into school, and getting to save some money. I thought I was going to be able to put more into work again and move into the next level – and now I feel like I’ll have to stay in my same underwhelming but comfortable position for the next few years. And – I’m dreading, positively dreading, the sleepless nights again. That was one of the worst experiences of my life and I just don’t want to go through it again. I know I sound like a baby and I really did go with it at the time but I have insomnia now as it is, and I’m terrified of what it’s going to be like to combine that with the irregular hours of a newborn – when the kids wake up now, which is rare, I’m totally unable to go back to sleep.
I did discuss termination with my husband. At my age, complications are a very real issue. He was very much against it. Not angry, just sad. So that is out of consideration.
I’m just sad and want to cry all the time. I know I’ll love my child when he or she is here. I do. But I want to be able to cope with this. People have 3 kids all the time, for goodness sakes. I want to be excited, and not sad.
Anonymous says
I had three unplanned (2nd pregnancy was twins w/o IVF). It was hard but it is now wonderful. Heading into a meeting but will post this evening.
OP says
That’s really kind. Thank you :)
Anonymous says
Forgot about this last night but will reply on today’s thread
SC says
It’s OK for you to feel sad right now. There’s no rule about the appropriate way to respond to a pregnancy. Give yourself permission to delve into how you feel and see if you can find a way forward without the guilt about feeling sad.
I also don’t think termination should be off the table, if it’s just because your husband feels sad–he’s entitled to feel sad, but that’s not the only factor in the decision-making. Also, just because you badly wanted children, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have another one.
Whatever you decide, talk to your OB about your anxiety and depression. I had a very difficult pregnancy, with lots of physical problems. But I also had anxiety and depression, and looking back on it, I wish I’d talked to someone about it and asked for medication or gone to counseling. (I thought I was just tired, it was just physical symptoms, or just hormones, etc.). It’s possible that I didn’t need to suffer the entire 9 months.
Anonymous says
I’m sure any risks of complications from termination are far outweighed by risk of complications from birth, so that argument doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel like it’s your body and you should get more say in this than your husband.
People do have 3 kids all the time, but there are also lots of people (me included) who have opted not to have a third because they don’t have the financial and emotional resources for it, and feel like it would stress their existing family too much. I’d absolutely terminate if I accidentally got pregnant with a third. Your physical and mental health (which includes sleep!) and your existing children should be your priority, and I don’t think you’re wrong to follow through on your gut feeling that a third would be too much, even if it’s a sad, painful decision. Just my two cents.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree on the termination point – not sure what your husband’s reasons are, but I think the person whose body will be physically worn down by a pregnancy should have more say. I would suggest continuing the discussion with him on this and explain all of your reasons for not continuing. If you ultimately get comfortable with continuing the pregnancy, that’s one thing, but it shouldn’t be your husband’s decision.
Yes, lots of people have 3+ kids in worse situations so I’m sure you can and will make it work, but you don’t have to. This is a difficult decision and there is no right answer. I’m sorry and hugs.
rosie says
I read it to mean risks from the pregnancy overall, not risks from termination. Although if your read is right, I am also baffled by that argument.
Anon says
you do not sound like a baby! you sound like a human being who is exhausted, anxious and stressed.
agree with what SC said re termination. Of course this is a decision that you would want to make together and make sure you are both on board about. Would you consider speaking with a couples counselor to help walk you through the decision together to make sure you are on the same page? i know you don’t want your husband to end up resenting you if you do terminate, but you also do not want to end up resenting your husband or the child.
just because people have 3 kids all the time, does not mean you need to want to have 3 kids. everyone is different, has different limitations and different preferences. personally i have no interest in having 3 kids. i was feeling very weak and like a total failure when i was really struggling after the birth of my twins with how hard the newborn stage was and i kept saying to myself that some people choose to do this many many times, so what is wrong with me that i think it is hard to do just once. some very good friends helped me realize that just because other people do it and make it look easy doesn’t necessarily mean it is easy for them and if it is easy for them, then who cares. there is likely something that is easier for me that is harder for them. it is not a contest.
Perinatal depression/anxiety is much more common than people think. PPD/PPA has been getting a lot of attention lately, but it can also happen during pregnancy, so definitely talk to your OB.
Mrs. Jones says
Talk to your doctor about medication–at least one of my good friends took antidepressants while pregnant, and she did fine.
Anonymous says
I’m overwhelmed and in tears – in the best way possible – at the kindness of your responses. Thank you thank you for making me feel better.
anon says
If you want to cry all the time, you should really seek counseling/ ask about medication. Depending on when your OB appointment is, check out EAP through your work to get started on the process. Please take care of yourself.
H13 says
Just echoing what many others have said. You do not need to have a third child if you know it will be detrimental to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your family. Your husband can be sad but it might be helpful to walk him through why it isn’t an option for you and what it means not only to you but to him and your two kids. I know I could not have a third. The exhaustion led to feelings of helplessness and despair in those early months and I never want to experience them again. Be completely honest with him about what those fears look and feel like to you.
I am sure he wants the best for you and it sounds like that may not include having another baby. This sounds so, so hard. Sending hugs.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I had a pregnancy scare recently, and my husband literally burst into sad ugly-cry tears at the idea of having another baby when we were just out of the baby phase with our 3rd (and final) and looking forward to saving some money “having our life back.” I had very complicated feelings about it, too. I’m here to tell you it is OK to have emotions other than excitement. It doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you know the pain of failed IVF and how desperately some people wish they would accidentally fall pregnant.
Definitely talk to you doctor about all options: medication, counseling, termination. You don’t need to take anything off the table right now, you need space to feel your feelings and information to help you make the best choices for you and your family. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way.
OP says
I feel really selfish asking this, because every one of your responses has been so kind and compassionate. But I actually didn’t intend to make my question about termination, although I’m so grateful for your kind support. I can completely see how it came off that way.
I actually want to know if there anyone who can speak to having had 3 kids and feeling good about it, after having gone through it? I fear with all the responses focused on termination, folks might be deterred, out of kindness, because they wouldn’t want to seem like they’re insensitive to my questioning whether to terminate or not. I actually am not questioning that, and rather want to know if other folks have similarly had and gone through unplanned pregnancies and come out ok.
Thank you again for all the wonderful support on here.
anon says
One of my friends had a surprise baby, after they had given all their baby stuff away, their youngest was about to start elementary school. She was shocked at the time and it was expensive to have to pay for 5 more years of childcare. She told me recently how her youngest is her favorite (even though she knows she is not supposed to have a favorite!). She said somehow the kid–who is very outgoing and happy–just gets what her mom does for her more than the others, who always take her for granted. The kid wrote a thank you note to her mom for her birthday party to tell her how much she loved it–what kid does that?! I think it is hard for parents of small kids to imagine that someday these kids will be real people who wipe their own butts and are hopefully a joy to be around, but that is what happens quicker than you know it.
OP says
Thank you so much! This made me happy.
Anonymous says
Hugs, OP. My cousin had a surprise baby at 40+ when her older was 12 and her younger was 10. She laughed about it but I know she was shocked and it was a huge adjustment. They *love* Bella and she brings so much joy to their family. She is a completely different kid than her older two, and my cousin has said how they couldn’t imagine their family without her, despite her being a total surprise. And the older kids have just done great with their baby sister.
Also, I had depression during pregnancy and talk therapy saved my life (literally, I was thinking about how I wished I could die but the baby somehow live; scary stuff). Please please seek help. I also had a very tough pregnancy physically and wish I had advocated for myself more with medical interventions.
Anonymous says
Thank you so much! Your cousin’s story is so sweet, and thank you for being kind enough to share your experience with depression – that sounds awful, and I’m so glad you got through it. I will take your advice.
Anonymous says
Not quite what you asked but I felt about two similarly. Our two wasn’t planned although we desperately wanted one and I have to confess I spent a good couple of weeks literally sulking about it. Husband still teases me about it once in a while. I also had a harder time just being pregnant than with my first although nothing too terrible, in full disclosure. It’s been harder in every way I thought it would be. But I also wouldn’t trade no. two for the world. Sometimes I still think “wow, today would be so easy if it was just one kid!” but I am really happy that it’s two, too, and I think it will all work out eventually.
Whatever you feel now, be kind to yourself. It’s all hard and emotional and nothing about your feelings makes you a baby.
OP says
Thank you! That is so what I’m hoping will happen with me. And thank you too, to you and everyone, for reassuring me about that I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad.
Anonymous says
I had a third and very unexpected pregnancy. I found out the week after I had made income partner in BigLaw. I cried for a month, and I opted to tell friends early because I decided I needed support to get through the early pregnancy. It was a hard pregnancy- with lots of physical pain and throwing up/nausea through the third trimester. (However, termination was not an option for us for many reasons.)
We had a beautiful (and huge- like over 10 pounds) little boy. He is a wonderful addition to our lives. The exhaustion was real, and I did not feel like myself for quite some time (and am still coming out of the fog). However, he is now over a year old, and I am really grateful that he is a part of our family. He brings lots of joy to us, and he has the most kissable fat cheeks.
I feel like three has allowed me permission to give up on some of the annoying expectations of parenting (e.g., themed birthday parties) that I did not really want to do anyway. You are an experienced parent, and so, you feel less lost and can enjoy the early parenting days. I think it has been really great for my older kids. And, although this is delayed gratification, I am really excited for how things will look 15 to 20 years from now.
OP says
Oh my gosh, that is so precious. Thank you so much.
Third Child says
I am the third child that was a huge surprise (a decade after middle child). My mom left the ob appt that she was at to terminate me. I’m here to tell you that thirty-odd years later I’m incredibly close with my parents and the go-to doing things child (hosting holidays, designated as agent under all documents, general socializing, etc.). I know that my parents love all of us equally, but I’m the only of the three siblings that speaks to at least one of our parents on a daily basis. I’m sure my parents would have a lot higher net worth if they hadn’t had the expense of me. On the other hand, they would have missed a ton of experiences that were unique to me that they never had with my older siblings. My mom calls me her best friend.
TLDR. Hopefully, in thirty years you’ll feel like my parents :)
OP says
That is so wonderful to hear! Thank you!
Anonymous says
I know it’s late- but I have 3 and we call my third “st. ”’because she is literally the easiest baby on the planet. My first was on the easier side of the spectrum (4/10), my second is 10/10 for healthy, neurotypical children. Ain’t nothing wrong with her, she’s just an unholy terror (she’s 2, so we are at the peak crazy of an already highly, highly spirited kid who does.not.sleep).
Anyway I am hear to say you could well have a kid that sleeps through the night (8-8) by 2.5 months, and who only ever wakes 1-2x from birth. They exist! I have one!
Also, by the third kid we really just have things figured out. I do have a countdown to diaper free now that my toddler is potty trained, but I am way cool with formula, or any other thing that makes my life easy.
If you keep the baby I am suggesting right now that you consider formula feeding or at least combo feeding as not to have to deal with pumping at work.
Also, our 3 are 2 years apart. We have a nanny now which is not any more expensive than daycare but makes life ONE THOUSAND TIMES better. She does laundry! And cleans!
Anonymous says
This was SO reassuring!! Thank you thank you.
CPA Lady says
Okay, this might not be a popular opinion, but is there anything you can do differently this time to make it easier for yourself? I cut a lot of corners with my kid because of my life situation, and she has turned out to be just fine (so far!). I quit nursing by six months and sleep trained her at four months. I never pumped at work. There are things you can do like that to make it not such a nightmare.
It sounds really hard though, and I think it’s totally fine to be upset.
OP says
This is such great advice. I actually think I might get a night nurse (!) for the first few weeks even though we can’t remotely afford it, just – because.
Thank you!
Anonymous says
I know three people with unexpected third children (one is my sister) and two of the are absolutely thrilled about it (now). I can speak to my sister’s experience most directly and she was not interested in termination but had not wanted a third (her birth control failed and her husband is oppposed to a vasectomy got some reason). Her littlest is now in elementary school and is super sweet and independent. My sister is crazy about her. In terms of the kid, her older siblings are really close in age and 5+ years older than her so I think she’s lonely sometimes. But she’s also super independent and brave. She has a lot of space to be herself
The person I know who was least happy with her third openly talks about her third being a ton of work and how she was an accident. I suggest not doing that if you have a third. Her kiddo always sounds spirited and somewhat challenging (especially because she’s a lot younger than her siblings), but no kid wants to feel like they are not wanted or are a constant problem
OP says
Thank you for sharing these accounts! This is such great information, and really helps me.
I feel so bad for the last little one – thanks for reminding me to be sensitive.
Anonymous says
I wrote in a couple weeks ago for advice on postpartum anxiety particularly related to bottle feeding. I am so thankful for the very good and thoughtful advice many of you gave. I made a doctor’s appointment and am ready glad I did, because things spiraled pretty badly and with the appointment made I was able to get help quickly. Diagnosed with ppd / ppa. Have already seen a therapist which helped right away with the anxiety. Discussing medication with psych this week. In retrospect I do think a lot was related to the weaning hormone crash because I already feel a lot better. Pediatrician was able to give me really good, helpful info about formula amounts and explained in a clear, logical way our old pediatrician did not, so I can just relax about it. I have a gigantically tall baby who eats a ton and that’s fine. Anyway, thank you again to this community.
Anonymous says
So glad you’re feeling better! Fwiw, my 10 month old is pretty tall and VERY chunky (23+ pounds) and our pediatrician is not really that concerned. She says you can be fat as a baby and normal as a child/adult. (Not implying your baby is overweight, but I thought you mentioned concerns about overfeeding.)
Anonn says
Thanks for updating us! I’m the poster who also had PPD/PPA and said to get to the therapist stat. I’m so glad you’re getting the help you need, both for your health and for formula feeding (whyyyy do most doctors not explain that stuff to folks?) . I found the first few appointments of therapy to be hard – a lot of crying and talking, and not necessarily feeling better when I left – but I could see how big of a difference it was making even after a month. Just like your pediatrician that you dumped for a new one, if you don’t feel like you’re making strides withe the first therapist after a few weeks, consider switching. Take care, friend. I’m rooting for you!
Anon says
Just getting around to reading the articles from last week’s news roundup, and noted the closing line of the article from FastCompany: “In fact, knowing that a crisis can arise, a carpool can collapse, and an illness may strike at any moment inspires me to be as productive and proactive as possible.” I feel like this idea that working parents, usually working mothers, need to be more “productive and proactive” than their colleagues comes up a lot in articles and comments. Much like “if you need something done, ask a busy person,” I can’t articulate why it bothers me so much but it just sticks in my craw. Is anyone else bothered by this idea?
Three years out from having become a parent, my experience has been that I am probably about as productive and proactive at work as I was before. In fact, I might be less productive. My level of focus definitely reflects that work is no longer the sole top priority in my life. I would love to hear from others who feel similarly or who felt similarly and have tips for snapping out of it and becoming this ideal working parent!
anon says
Yeah, I’m worse at work than I was before. And frankly, a reactive and not proactive parent because I’m working full time with two young kids. There are seasons and this is not mine to excel!
I have no tips except hang in there? Just keep swimming? Articles like that make me angry.
anon says
I don’t like it, either. On paper, it looks like I’ve done well with working parenthood. In reality, my focus is all over the place and I feel like I’ve become a total reactor the further I’ve progressed in my career. There just isn’t enough mental space and energy to be an ideal working parent, IMO. The stress of wondering when it’ll all fall apart is NEGATIVE for my productivity, not positive! I would never admit that in real life, though.
Anonymous says
We have a nanny starting soon. She has agreed to do light housework during the baby’s naps (which is a significant chunk of the day – baby usually naps for 3-4 hours of my 8 hour workday), but I’m not really sure what sort of tasks are appropriate to give her. Baby’s laundry seems like a no brainer, but beyond that I’m kind of at a loss. Suggestions?
Anonymous says
empty the dishwasher, wipe down counters, mop floors? clean fridge? light meal prep? vacuum (depending on baby’s deep sleep habits)? sheets/towels? your laundry? clean windows? these are all things I would like someone to do for me at the moment.
OP says
We have a cleaning service, so I don’t think we need her to vacuum/mop/clean the fridge/wash windows and I’m not sure those things qualify as light housekeeping anyway. She did mention that she does meal prep for families, but I don’t know what that really means? Most meals we make are pretty simple and don’t really require “prep” other than the actual cooking.
Anonymous says
In that case, I wonder about leaving a daily/weekly list as things pop up. Can she help you control clutter? To have someone else spend just 30 minutes putting random stuff away would make my home so much more pleasant.
Can she meal plan? As baby gets older, she can probably make some baby food. I would really just take things as they come and make lists as you notice stuff.
Bottle/pump part cleaning, as appropriate. That took SO. MUCH. TIME.
Anonymous says
Just keep in mind that as baby gets older she will have less and less time for all this too.
Anonymous says
baby’s laundry, empty dishwasher, sweep kitchen and play room floors, start dinner prep, make baby food (you can have her freeze it in icecube trays and transfer to a large ziploc for use later if baby isn’t on solids yet.
Anonymous says
Wash and fold towels and bedding? For meal prep- chop veggies, marinate meat, turn on crockpot or start something in the oven, make grocery list or meal plan (once she knows you better), make ahead breakfasts and lunches. Sort through outgrown baby’s clothes/toys/books.
Anon says
Baby’s laundry, wash (or load and unload dishwasher) bottles and bottle parts. If you have extra pump parts, those can be put in the dishwasher and unloaded too. Sort through baby’s clothes (e.g., wash and put away what baby’s outgrown, organize, wash, etc. the next size up), if you wash the high chair softgoods (if any) or a splat mat, maybe she can do that once a week. If there are any toys that need to be cleaned or disinfected on a weekly basis (e.g., when my child was teething, I used to run the teethers through the dishwasher every few days (and also why I only buy dishwasher safe teethers)). Even with a cleaning service, I still run a stick vacuum and steam mop my kitchen floor every few days because my toddler is a tornado of destruction. Have her do a crockpot of pulled meat (or simmer a large batch of beans from dry) once a week to help make meals easier. Have her inventory and keep track of baby bath supplies, diaper and wipes stock, diaper rash cream, medicines, etc. and be the one to let you know when you’re down to your last box or bottle so you can order more.
SC says
Super late, but our nanny did light housework, which included emptying the dishwasher, washing/loading the last dishes of the night before and from breakfast, and laundry. I don’t think it filled Baby’s nap time, but it probably took up half of it and was a huge help. With the remaining time, she did school work and wrote music. I always equated that time to a “lunch break,” although I have no idea when exactly she ate lunch. I just figure everyone deserves some time to decompress, and if she used the morning nap for light housework, she could have the afternoon nap to herself (or vice versa).
Our nanny never did meal prep. She said she was not an experienced cook, and she was pretty clearly not comfortable in the kitchen. We did Blue Apron at the time and really enjoyed it. We had weekly housecleaners for the heavy housework.