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Cb says
What is everyone up to with their kids these days?
5 more weeks til the end of school, and I’m still missing one camp sign up as they haven’t opened applications yet. Fingers and toes crossed.
We’ve had a short string of birthday parties, have the end-of-year disco tonight, and I’ve been drafted into some PTA volunteering (uniform store, tea trolley at the festival).
We find out classroom assignments next week. They go from 5 to 4 classes between year 1 and 2, so need to shuffle everyone. Weirdly this is the group they stay with til year 7.
AIMS says
I think it’s so nice when they keep a class together. We have endless drama every year when the class assignments get doled out. Same class seems like a much better system to me.
We are currently planning our summer “to do list” and my oldest really wants to do all the tourist things in NYC which makes sense I guess because even though we live here it’s not as if we just and visit the Empire State Building. So we are leaning into that and planning to go there, the Statue of Liberty, and some cooler more low key but no less important places – I figure if they’re gonna want the tour, they should get a good one.
Cb says
Yeah, I was surprised but I can definitely see the rationale, less drama about parents asking for swaps to be made each summer. T’s teacher did ask us if we wanted him to stay with his bestie or not. Honestly, I’m not sure we made the right call to keep them together, but I worried about him not having a friend straightaway. But they are a bit codependent and I’m hoping they naturally loosen up at some point.
Cb says
And tourist in your own city sounds amazing! What a nice thing to do.
Anonymous says
On the other hand, when they keep classes together then your kid can get stuck with the same class bully year after year. My preference is that they mix the classes up each year but let them all mingle at lunch and recess so they can maintain friendships with kids outside their own class.
Anon2 says
I can see the benefits of keeping a class together…unless you don’t like the classmates! We moved halfway through the year and my son was put in a class with a LOT of behavior issues. I can’t wait for a fresh start next school year.
Plus, he’s not an excellent judge of character and I like that he makes a new “best friend” each year when the old one inevitably isn’t in his class. Helps me meet more kids and steer him towards the playmates I like best ;)
Anon says
Yeah I went to a small elementary school with only two classes per grade and by 6th grade it was pretty awful because everyone had known everyone since K and you were stuck with everyone’s first impression of you from 6 years ago. Middle school with tons of new kids was a refreshing change and actually way better for me socially than 4-6 despite stereotypes about middle school being awful.
My daughter is going to a huge elementary il school (7 or 8 classes per grade) and I’m kind of relieved about it. Although this is one school for the whole district, so she won’t get the mixing with new kids I got in 7th grade and the high school class size is a lot smaller.
Anon says
I just chose between a small and large K-5 elementary school for my kids and my gut said larger was better at the higher grades, so thanks for this validation!
Anon says
I think you made the right choice. IMO what would really be ideal is smaller K-3 leading to a bigger school in 4th grade, but that doesn’t seem to be a thing. My town does split K-3 and 4-6 but the schools are the same size.
NYCer says
Not what OP asked, but we actually went the Empire State Building with our kids a couple weeks ago, and it surpassed expectations! AIMS, you may want to add that to your summer to do list as well. I had not been since I was like 8 years old. We booked a morning ticket, and also an express pass, and it was all very easy. Everyone enjoyed it!
Anon says
Public school is already out for the summer here! (We go back painfully early, but I’m ok with that – May weather is much nicer than August weather in my part of the Midwest.)
I have a rising kindergartner. Preschool graduation was last week and it was a great day but pretty emotional for all of us, even though she has two more months at the same school. We’ve been having tons of birthday parties (university daycare…over half the class is born in May/June), doing lots of swimming at our gym while we wait for outdoor pools to open, and just generally trying to enjoy the summer and last two months of the daycare years. I swore I didn’t understand why people put rising Ks in camps, but in a couple weeks she’s doing a half day dance camp (my parents are providing afternoon coverage) which she’s really excited about so, once again, never say never in parenting. She just learned to ride her bike with training wheels, which I know are a no-no these days, but she’s very excited and proud (she really wanted to bike last summer but couldn’t figure out pedaling) and it’s given us a much bigger range than we had on foot or on the scooter since she can bike 3-5 miles without whining about being tired. So DH and I have really been enjoying that.
Boston Legal Eagle says
About 3 weeks to go here. Older kid will be in a YMCA camp all summer and younger kid is staying at his same daycare for his last year there. Hopefully not much transition issues for the older kid – he had a really great 1st grade year. We’ll be doing a few beach vacations with friends and family, and otherwise will be exploring the city and going to our local pool on the weekends.
Our elementary school is also fairly large – there are about 5 classes per grade and I like that they switch them up every year. No bad patterns forming and kids get to meet others they might get along with better.
GCA says
Likewise, 3 weeks to go. MA gets out so late!
We’re moving this summer. Lots of juggling.
Kid 1 is in the summer camp run by afterschool with a couple of weeks of YMCA camp or travel. Kid 2 is in daycare through most of summer till we move in August. A couple of camping trips and one family vacation, lots of pool/ beach time.
I like that our elementary school is large (6 classes per grade) and classes reshuffle each year, for the same reasons.
Anon says
But you don’t start until after Labor Day, right? We’re out for the year already but we go back the first week of August.
GCA says
That’s correct. Which I’m happy about, on balance! The water’s a lot warmer for beach trips late in the summer :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
We started before Labor Day – it’s typically the Tuesday or Wednesday before Labor Day. A week off in each of December, February and April.
Good luck with the move GCA!! MA will miss you, but I’m sure you won’t miss the HCOL here.
GCA says
Boston Legal Eagle — thank you!! I’m equal parts thrilled and terrified (making new friends as an adult all over again? – ack).
Anonymous says
3 more weeks here a well. My oldest is going to sleepaway camp(!!) after that; younger two are doing a combo of neighborhood pool/swim/tennis teams and misc camps here and there until we all go away in August.
Our elem is one of 4 in town. Ours has 3-4 sections and they do a good job mixing. My oldest is going into 4th and this year her teacher asked them to write who they would like to have in their class next year and why. My kid’s answers were so funny. She wanted her bestie and another friend from sports that’s in her class now (“we don’t good around and we are all good at math so it’s good to put 3 girls that like math together so nobody has to be with all the boys.”–truth) and actually said of two of her friends that are in her class now, “X and Y are my really good friends. But we are very chatty in class together so next year it would be better if we could be in different classes as long as we got to play at recess.”
Mary Moo Cow says
Holy moly cannoli, I just realized we only have 2 weeks of school left! The first half of May was very busy with end of school year events and birthday parties, but I just attended the last of those today. I’m the room parent for one class, so I guess I should start rattling sabers about the end of the year party, if any, and teacher’s gift. Thankfully, homework for Big Sister has tapered off to one assignment per week and I’ve embraced a loose definition of completing homework for Little Sister, so evenings have been more relaxed and we’ve using the time to be outside.
My daughters and I are going to see a kids’ production of a play this weekend. They’ll probably ask to go to the pool on opening day, but it’s going to be 75 and cloudy, so that’s a no for me. Big Sister’s birthday is Monday, but we’ve done the party, so we’ll have a low key celebration at home.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My two will be in the same preschool situation for the summer. DS #1 actually has his Kinder graduation on Friday. I’m feeling emotional about it but keep telling myself to chill out since he’ll be doing public Kinder in the Fall.
DS #1’s current Kinder class transitions to a camp through end of July; it should be interesting, as other kids from Kinder and 1st come back for it. After that, he’ll do a week of Y camp, and then we’re going to a trip to an all inclusive resort, “camp” days with other family members (my Mom and brother are local, MIL will come stay for a few weeks), and towards the end of summer, just some WFH days where he piddles around and gets used to the new wake-up time we’ll have to adopt.
Hopefully I’ll be wrapping up things at my current job (so I will care less about signing off early, etc.) and have some time off before starting the new gig. My dream would be to have a month off in between where I can just re-align and take care of myself before starting in a new place. I also turn 40 in August so need to think about what I want to do for that!
Anon says
Wow you have an offer already!? That’s amazing. I’m so jealous of everyone here who has found new jobs quickly.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Not at all! I wish.
No still in the early stages – have done a few cold applications, but setting up coffees/calls with old colleagues, pinging with friends at companies of interest, etc.
Anonymous says
Tomorrow is the last day of school for my kindergartener. Twins are in day care full time. We have a wedding this weekend, then oldest will do VBS for a week, then aunt is coming to watch my kids for a week. After that it’s going to be a lot of workbooks, tv and roaming the neighborhood with his friends while I WFH. We don’t have any vacation planned but we’re discussing it.
avocado says
Three weeks of school left here. AP and IB exams are done for the year but lots of papers, SAT, prom, end-of-year concerts, etc. still remain. This summer it’s camp, volunteer work, a family vacation, an on-line course to check off a graduation requirement, lots of show choir rehearsals, getting a driver’s license, and college applications.
Anon says
I currently feel like the head exploding emoji in person. School is ending in about two weeks, we have summer camps sorted but still need to upload/fill in all the healthcare paperwork (so.much.paperwork). I am NOT looking forward to packing lunches for camps (one provides lunch but two do not, but that’s something we just adapt to every summer).
We’re also taking a big international trip in mid-June which is about halfway planned? We have flights/hotels/car services/some dinners but I need to lock down tickets to museums/tours as I have been reminded multiple times by colleagues who live in the area that the wait times in summer for popular museums are horrendous. Super excited about my kiddos first trip to the UK (England/Scotland/Ireland) and he doesn’t care one bit about royalty so we’re skipping a lot of the ‘typical’ stuff (changing of the guards/palace tours) in favor of the historical things which should be much more fun for the adults too!
Cb says
Summer camp drama is the worst! But where are you going in Scotland? Can I help provide some kid friendly recommendations?
Anon says
We’re going to do one day in Glasgow and one day in Edinburgh – would love any recs!
Leatty says
Would love Scotland refs, Cb! I’ll be there this summer with my 5 and 2 year olds. We have the highlands portion of our trip planned out, but still trying to figure out Edinburgh.
Cb says
Ah, Edinburgh is great for that age. If you’re edging into festival season (August), it’ll be busy but there will be lots to look at in terms of bubbles, bagpipes, other street performers. Most things are pretty kid friendly.
Our favourite thing to do is to go to the National Museum on Chambers street. It is enormous and there are exhibitions for whatever your kids’ niche interests are. It’s free entry and the cafe is really nice.
There are great bookshops, Toppings in Leith, and Blackwells near the museum. There are great playparks in Princes’ Street gardens, and in the Meadows. It’s lovely to wander through Stockbridge, cute shops, market, and along the Water of Leith.
I’ve never been but people love the Royal Yacht. If you wanted classic seaside, Portobello is the best for it and a quick bus from the city centre.
Dishoom is LOVELY and I think they do a good job with allergies. Mimi’s Bakehouse on the Royal Mile and down in Leith is great for cupcakes. The James Centre is an abomination (looks like a dog poo) but has a Lego shop, and the John Lewis cafe has a fantastic view over the city.
It is a great kid city!
Cb says
I love the Transport Museum in Glasgow. We went pre-kids and had a ball. Edinburgh is more genteel. My husband says I like Glasgow because of my American preference for a grid city, but I do think it’s really cool.
Leatty says
Thank you!!
Anon says
Not sure how old your kid is, but if relatively young I’d recommend not overscheduling. We’ve taken our 5 year old to Europe a bunch and don’t usually book anything in advance beyond flights, hotel and transport to/from the airport. We’re not trying to eat in fancy places, but we’ve never had any issues getting into good restaurants without reservations, especially because we eat really early compared to Europeans (although that’s probably less of a factor in the UK). Maybe a ticket to a museum if it’s something incredibly hard to get into like the Vatican, but normally we just buy them there and haven’t run into major issues. You really don’t know what your schedule will be, especially with jet lag, and I’d rather have one parent have to wait in a line to buy tickets or even miss the museum entirely than have to drag a kid there kicking and screaming.
Anon says
My kiddo is 12 but I totally agree – my rule of thumb is 1 thing to do and 1 plan for a meal per day (lunch or dinner, we do breakfast at the hotel). We’re lucky in that most of the big UK museums are free with a reservation we won’t be losing money if we leave early/skip. My kid also has some food allergies/restrictions so the meal planning is more so that we don’t go somewhere out of desperation and he can’t eat anything/makes a dinner out of my purse snacks.
Anon says
Ohhh ok yeah I would disregard my advice for a 12 year old. I was thinking early elementary, sorry. And yeah meal planning makes sense at any age if you have allergies. Hope you have a great trip!
Maudie Atkinson says
I’m looking for advice on payroll/tax services for nannies. We’re hiring someone this summer for weeknight evenings who will (hopefully) continue into fall and beyond. The plan is to pay for no less than 15 hours a week every week, even if we don’t use that much time every week. We’ll also be covering mileage and occasionally there will be additional hours if we use her for weekend date nights and the like. We’re offering paid time off, but no other benefits, as she has a full time job that provides healthcare, etc. What service do you use? Do you like it? Any to stay away from?
Maudie Atkinson says
I should also add: We’re in the SEUS, to the extent that’s relevant to suggestions.
Anonr says
We use Homepay for a fulltime nanny, 2.5 years now, no complaints.
Anon318 says
+1 for HomePay. The system makes it easy to have a standing X hours paid, but also super simple to add extra hours at the same or different rates, as well as expense reimbursement. They also make taxes really hands off.
Anon says
We only had a nanny for few months between the end of my husband’s leave and getting into our preferred daycare but we used Homepay and were very happy with them. We got some letter from the IRS the following year (based on our nanny year taxes) and I called them and they took care of everything even though we were no longer current clients.
Bette says
Whatever you do, don’t use Nanny Lane – they are straight up fraudulent.
Anon says
We used Surepay and it was fine.
govattymom says
It’s been a while but we used Poppins Payroll and had a good experience. It’s on the cheaper side.
CCLA says
We use GTM now because it has easy support for adding healthcare reimbursement plans, but used home pay in the past. I think GTM is marginally cheaper but not in a meaningful way. Slight edge for home pay for ease of use, but also happy with GTM.
Anonymous says
My SIL has volunteered to keep the kids for a week in June (at our house) so DH and I can have some time away. She has requested we stay within driving distance in case there’s an emergency, which seems reasonable to me. What’s a city not in Texas but within driving distance of Houston that you’d be interested in exploring? Last year we visited Hot Springs, AR. We do New Orleans annually, so that’s out. I’m leaning toward Memphis? Ruidoso? Is Charleston too far? Send me all your suggestions.
Maudie Atkinson says
Everything’s relative, but Charleston is a 16-hour drive from Houston, so I would guess that’s too far.
You’re going to be hard pressed to find a week’s worth of things to do in Memphis, I suspect, but if 12 hours isn’t too far, Northern New Mexico would be lovely. You could also look at the Gulf Coast of Florida.
Anon says
+1 to Florida Gulf Coast. Looks like Destin is ~9 hours for you. We had a really great time there during the pandemic.
I agree that a 16 hour drive isn’t what I’d call “driving distance” and would definitely clear that one with SIL first.
Anonymous says
I’d find an upscale resort along the coast within 4-6 hours if that exists. Laying on a beach and/or beside a pool within proximity to good food is my ideal vacation.
Anon says
I agree. It’s going to be brutally hot anywhere in the southeast, so I’d just want to be by a pool and beach and I don’t think you have to go super far for that. I also think 6 hours is about the limit of driving distance in this context, even though I realize people can and do drive much farther.
NYCer says
+1. If it was SIL who requested “driving distance”, I doubt she envisioned you being 16+ hours away. At that point, it would be faster to just fly from Charleston if there were an emergency.
Anonymous says
If you really want to be within a short drive, I’d do a Hill Country resort or go tubing in Gruene.
Anonie says
+1, this is what I’d do. I can’t imagine SIL meant a 4+ hour drive would be acceptable. I mean, Alaska is technically within driving distance if you don’t mind driving for a long time!
Anon says
Yeah, if I offered to watch someone’s kids and asked them to stay within driving distance, I’d be thinking ~4 hour range. I.e., parents can get home in an afternoon if something happens. Not you can drive halfway across the country. From the SIL’s perspective I think driving 12+ hours is much worse than flying to a city with multiple short, direct flights per day. Houston is a huge United hub so I’m sure lots of cities meet that criteria.
Anon in Memphis says
I live in Memphis – happy to provide tips if you decide to come here!
OP says
Send me all your tips!
busybee says
For those who have had an amniocentesis, what was your recommendation for the day or so afterwards? My doctor advised no heavy lifting, to include my toddler, for 48 hours.
anon says
They told me “couch rest” for 24 hours and no lifting for 48, I think? It’s been a while.I had some cramping after but it was all fine, FWIW.
Room sharing says
Any tips for successful introduction of baby/toddler room sharing?
We have two kids – 2.5 years and 4 months. Plan is to move the 4 month old into the shared nursery at 6-7 months. Both are currently (and always have been) excellent sleepers – they came that way, we aren’t sleep wizards. Both cribs are already in the nursery (have been since before birth) and baby occasionally naps in there, but never at same time.
anonM says
We just kind of did it. I think we told the older one ahead of time. The biggest thing for us was that it lead to us waiting to sleep train the younger one, but when we did it was honestly fine. He basically slept right through it. Of course, this is highly kid dependent, but when the time comes, worth trying to see if it works, and if it doesn’t then readjust. Honestly wish we’d done it sooner. Don’t do what I did and let my great sleeper at 4 mo turn into a not-so-great sleeper and then avoid any sleep training because of room sharing. Team everyone is happier with sleep!
Oh, and we do have a sound machine and blackout curtains, recommend if you don’t have already.
EDAnon says
We also just did it (gave the older one a heads up) and it went fine. We do have blackout curtains, a sound machine, etc. They both love sharing.
AwayEmily says
Yes! Three things: patience, a floor mattress, and the Hatch light. Patience because it will almost certainly be hard at first as they get used to it, but they will adapt and so will you. It just takes time. A floor mattress because a surefire way to get them to stop talking and go to sleep (at least in our house) is to have a parent lie with them (I usually bring my kindle) until they fall asleep. Good to break out in case of emergency. And the Hatch light because you can use it to instruct. We now have three different colors. Yellow means be quiet, no talking, sleep (it’s yellow all night). Purple means OK to talk but stay in your beds (it’s purple for 15 minutes after we kiss them goodnight). Green means it’s okay to get up and come downstairs, but do so QUIETLY if your sibling is still asleep. And the Hatch is good because you can control it remotely so (for example) if you hear them starting to rustle about in the AM you can turn it purple and they can play together for a few minutes til you’re ready to have them come downstairs.
SF says
Be okay with the idea that it might not work the first time but you can try again. Everyone told me that I would be shocked about what my kids slept through…the first night my older kid turned on the overhead light at midnight because he could not sleep through the noise. We tried again around 18m and its glorious – and they totally sleep through all noise and stay in their room til 8am on weekend playing. So – white noise and patience!
DC Summer Camps FYI says
DC moms- if anyone dealt with the summer camp lottery this year (I hated it and I’m pretty sure I did it wrong), DPR just released a TON of camp spots for almost every session at every location. My kids really enjoyed it last year and you can’t beat the price.
Anonymous says
Can anyone recommend a sturdy, reasonably smooth riding, two-wheeled scooter for my almost 8 year old? She has outgrown her old scooter. I’d like something a little nicer quality than an inexpensive Amazon one, because she has a history of using her scooter a lot, and I expect this scooter to last 3 years or so from a size perspective. Thanks!
Cb says
Micro! The cousins are still using theirs at 10 and 13.
Anon says
Yes, we haven’t tried the 2-wheel version yet but have been thrilled with all the models we have tried. They really hold up and are easy to rise. The 2-wheel looks like it’d be sturdy.
Cb says
Someone told me you should never skimp on bikes or scooters and I am finding that to be the case. We hire our kid bike so we always have the right size, and splurged on scooters, and the quality makes a difference to kid speed + stability.
Anonymous says
Agree. One of my kids got it at age 6 and it’s still used by my 11 year old.
TheElms says
Micro — all the kids in the neighborhood start on the mini and then graduate to the maxi and a bunch move onto the 2 wheel version as a way to get to the neighborhood schools more quickly! They are really well made and last.
Anonymous says
Is there anything wrong with Razor scooters? My kids love theirs, and one of their cousins scooters is like 8 years old and still fine.
Anonymous says
My kid hates riding it on anything but the smoothest pavement. Our driveway is pretty rough, and many local roads aren’t paved/reliably paved. The micro mini is much more popular for the much smoother ride, even though it is comically too small.
Ice cream money says
Loved the Monday discussion about allowances and spending/savings. Follow up question for those with multiple kids: how do you approach treats? Specifically, do you let your kids buying themselves treats when you’re out as a family…with younger siblings who do not yet understand / have money?
For example, my kids realllly wanted an ice cream when we were at the park. We said no and the 7YO offered to pay for theirs from their own savings. But the 3YO does not yet understand or have funds and would have been so upset if they didn’t get one too. We ended up buying both ice cream and asking the 7YO to do chores in exchange.
Wondering how we could have handled it better…
Anonymous says
I think it’s ridiculous you asked a 7 year old to do chores in exchange for this! Apologize for being a bug meanie!
Anon2 says
Yes, this is the blunt truth…if you are buying for one kid you should pay for both. You can also stick to your “no” – just because our kids want to buy something, we as parents still have veto power.
(And in future, if there’s something 7yo wants to buy you don’t have to also get it for the 3yo. Fair isn’t equal and all that. But I agree that would’ve been a weird situation with ice cream).
Anon says
I only have one kid, but we don’t have her pay for treats. Either we’re getting ice cream and we’re paying, or we’re not having ice cream. Typically the reasons we say no are that it’s too close to dinner or she’s already had a big sweet that day. The same reasoning would work with two or more kids.
I like the idea of older kids (much older than 7) having a large allowance and being responsible for a lot of their own expenses when they’re not with the family, but I don’t love the idea of separating treats out from other food because it implicitly labels those foods as bad. Even when I was in high school, my parents paid for ice cream when I was with them. Allowance money was for getting ice cream (and meals) with friends, and for things that were solely for me like clothes, CDs, make-up and going to movies with friends. I think that’s the approach we’ll take.
avocado says
This is the approach we have always taken with our daughter, now 16. The allowance is for her own stuff. Parents pay for family outings and shared items. She goes out alone or with her friends, she pays. The family goes out together, we pay. She buys her own shampoo, toothpaste, etc., but I buy stuff like cleaning supplies and toilet paper that everyone uses. I pay for all the food and snacks and anyone can eat them. I pay for the family streaming subscriptions but she pays for her own video game subscription.
Anonie says
+1 Yea treats like ice cream aren’t something I would even allow kids to spend their allowance on. If we’re not having ice cream, it’s because it’s unhealthy, we’re close to dinner, etc. I see allowance as more like something to use to buy consumer goods or save up for a big purchase like a special expensive toy.
But I also think 7 YO is too young for an allowance, because of exactly the scenario you describe, where older sibling offers to use “their” money to buy something for a sibling. 7 YOs in my opinion are not yet capable of understanding the value of a dollar, the exchange of chores/time for money, budgeting, saving, etc. I think junior high is a time for that. Elementary aged kids are just not independent enough nor have good enough judgment for it to be a relevant concept for them to have their own money.
Anonymous says
We started our daughter on an allowance in K and it helped her learn the value of a dollar very quickly.
Anon says
I’m the 10:54 poster. We started allowance very young (age 4.5), and it’s been a good thing, I think. She buys a lot of junk for sure, but I do think we’re making progress on saving for bigger things, and by shifting vacation souvenir buying to her allowance fund, we’re not actually out that much money. But agreed it is mainly for toys at this age – we buy books, clothes and food. We also don’t have the issue of younger sibling seeing older sibling buying a toy with allowance and getting jealous (although I guess my gut instinct would be that younger sibling just has to deal with it?)
Anonymous says
If parents always pay for treats when the family is out together, then no means no. Letting them buy their own treats makes things more difficult when the reason you are saying no is that it’s almost dinner time, they’ve already had three desserts that day, the line is too long, it’s time to leave, etc.
Anonymous says
OP here—thank you. This is where my gut is leaning for future family outings.
Mary Moo Cow says
Food treats are different than toy treats in our house. If we’re on an outing and someone asks for a food treat, we either all get it (or are offered it) or no one gets it. Because it’s not about money, but what the day looks like (is it just after breakfast or a good time for a snack? Have we all already had our sweet treat for the day or can this be our dessert for the day? Are we in a time crunch or can we take a few minutes?) My oldest and I sometimes pass on a food treat but it is always offered to both her and her sister, and parents always pay.
Toy treats are different. If we’re on an outing at the zoo and we’ve said we’re not buying souvenirs, if Big Sister negotiates to buy her own, have at it, kid. Parents have to deal with Little Sister’s meltdown. We usually don’t relent or even contribute half to placate the one who isn’t buying a toy.
Are all toddlers evil? says
I know this is going to upset some people, but I’m grasping for any hope that I won’t lose my sanity in the coming months. My workload has increased dramatically, the dynamics at work are more stressful because two execs I work with openly hate each other, I’m having to go into the office more frequently and traveling for work more, and my in laws have been extra special lately. This will all get worse in the coming weeks/months. I have a brand new toddler and she’s been an easy going baby. Based on other people’s experiences, can I hope that this means she’ll be an easy going toddler for the most part? Because I don’t think I can handle a completely crazy toddler with everything else.
Cb says
My kid was a super easygoing baby (besides not sleeping for the first 2 years) and was an easy toddler and now 5 year old. Maybe I’ll pay for this in the teen years, but I think some kids just have a chill. I found toddler years way easier than baby, mostly b/c he slept and was fun.
Anon says
Sorry to scare you, but anecdotally I think it’s sort of the opposite actually. Easy baby = hard toddler or the reverse. I had a very easy baby and an extremely difficult toddler/preschooler. Ages 2.5-3.9 were really really hard, especially age 3-3.5. We both cried almost every day. But she’s 5 now and absolutely awesome. She remains extremely strong-willed and dramatic, but it’s getting to the point where we can see how it’s going to serve her well in the future. She’s very social, a leader in group settings and channeling her dramatic streak into dance and theater. You’ll get through it! Also how old is your kid? If they just turned 1, you have a long time before things get hard, even with a difficult toddler.
Anonymous says
Ok no. Zero toddlers are evil. Many if not most of them have big feelings they don’t know how to handle yet.
Anon says
It was obviously tongue in cheek.
Anon says
Yes, but you wouldn’t substitute any other group of people and call them “evil” tongue in cheek, so maybe we should stop speaking so flippantly and malignantly about our kids.
Anonymous says
Congratulations on being a perfect person who does not need a safe space to vent her fears and frustrations.
Anon says
I do this all the time. I’m not worried.
Anon says
Again, that wouldn’t be an excuse for any other group of people. It’s okay to call it out and ask that people be more careful with their words. We talk all the time about wanting society to be more accepting and supportive of children – casual ”jokes” undermine that effort
Anonymous says
Actually we all need to stop taking parenting quite so seriously! By policing other moms to act as perfect martyrs, subsuming every personal need to the perceived needs of their children and denying them any sort of dark humor as a coping mechanism, we actually reinforce society’s ridiculous expectation that “good” parenting will produce happy, quiet, complaint children.
Anon says
I disagree. Casual jokes and gallows humor help me face life’s challenges and not take everything so seriously. Dark jokes are not the same as harboring hatred against groups and it’s important to recognize that.
Anonymous says
+1. Come on. Toddlers are amazing human beings that are just starting to figure things out and (understandably) need lots of attention and love from their parents.
Anonymous says
My easygoing baby was a difficult toddler (who’s now an easy elementary school kid) and my difficult baby is currently a difficult toddler. Toddlers are just hard, at least for me. If I were you I’d look for ways to manage the other stressors in your life because you cannot control a toddler’s toddlerness, no matter how many parenting books you read.
Anon says
I think you should put this out if your mind. It’s impossible to know. My niece was the perfect unicorn baby (literally would go to sleep in your arms in the middle of a crowd and then sleep through the night, among many other unbelievable feats) and has remained the perfect toddler and preschooler. My second son was such a gentle and chill baby who turned into a toddler with crazy meltdowns and emotions (and Im pretty sure neurodivergence).
Anonymous says
No, not all toddlers are evil. Mine was absolutely delightful and then became a terror around age 9.
Anonymous says
My kiddo didn’t start having truly hard moments until 4+.
Whatever happens, you’ll get through it. And do whatever you can to give yourself breaks. Babysitters, extra hours at daycare, etc. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You got this.
Anon says
If you have a one year old, who knows? They change a lot. But she probably won’t suddenly become crazy :)
TheElms says
There is no way to know your child’s temperament in advance. It can be so hard to do nothing and wait. The best you can do is (1) try not to worry about it before it happens (hard I know) – also important because some kids really pick up on parental stress and it makes their behavior worse and (2) give your toddler all the tools you can to handle their big emotions — a course like Big Little Feelings might work for you — it will help you both in the long term and hopefully some in the short term.
But if anecdotal evidence helps. I had one easy baby who was a a complete joy until 2.5, no tantrums, slept well, so fun and then a she was a very, very difficult 2.5-3.5 year old. She’s 4 now and its definitely better but there are still some very hard days. My second was not an easy baby (colic, doesn’t sleep that well) and so far (15 months) is not an easy toddler (throws herself on the floor to tantrum multiple times a day, very clingy, throws food, bites, already learned how to undo two different types of baby gates, doesn’t sleep particularly well), but she is still no where near as hard as I found 2.5 -3.5 with my older one. Based on anecdotal experience I think the “hard” toddler years for most people happen between 2 and 4 and a lot of folks find 2.5-3.5 the hardest.
Anon says
Agree with your last sentence.
Anonymous says
Agreed on the last sentence. My now 2.5 year old was a very difficult newborn until 6 months or so, and then was a sweet, easygoing kid until the week she turned 2.5. It was like a switch flipped. She’s still a great kid, and all of her struggles are completely normal for her age (and she’s still way easier than a colicky newborn who wouldn’t sleep or eat), but it’s definitely become more of a slog some days.
Anon says
By toddler you mean just turned 1? 1 year olds are really big, interactive babies. It probably won’t be too bad if the infant year was manageable. It’s at 2 and really more like 2.5 that stereotypical “toddler” behaviors typically ramp up. Age 3 was by far the hardest age for us, but I think some of that was because we expected more from a kid who looked and talked like a preschooler than we did from a young toddler who still looked like a baby and could barely communicate.
Anon says
yes, one rude awakening i’ve had as a parent, is that 3/4/5 etc. year olds might sometimes seem ‘big’ in comparison with a 6 month old, they are still quite little from an emotional regulation perspective. i’ve had to adjust my expectations a lot.
Anon says
I can deal with big feelings and irrational feelings. What was really hard for me was when my very verbal 3 year old would throw herself on the floor and scream and flail rather than using words, which happened…hourly? My 5 year old is still what I’d describe as emotionally intense and gets weepy fairly often, but at least she talks to us. What was so hard for me about age 3 was that my kid was so communicative when calm but seemed to lose all ability to talk when she got mad or frustrated or had to pee or any number of other situations that happen to 3 year olds regularly. It got dramatically better around age 4 and has continued getting better over time.
Anonymous says
I mean what if your child is a “crazy” toddler? What are you going to do, throw them out? And what you probably mean by “crazy” is just normal toddler behavior. You can’t anticipate things but if you need to get something off your plate then it’s your in laws. How you help your toddler learn to become a happy, emotionally regulated adult is more important than anything you listed before that. You should focus on that and not all these other distractions.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
Kid 1: textbook baby, generally calm & articulate toddler. Now a calm, mature for her age 10 year old. Always “pleasure to have in class.”
Kid 2: never slept. Never ate. Was a boundary pushing toddler who always insisted on doing everything herself. Big feelings, both surly and happy. Operates at 300mph. Now a 7 year old who doesn’t sit still and has an outlandish (and hysterical) personality. All conferences are school begin with a deep breath, acknowledgement that she’s crazy smart, and knows what she wants in life.
Kid 3: easy bay, slept everywhere and anywhere. Only ever fussed when she couldn’t be included in things (eg. She couldn’t hold herself up so couldn’t see what was happening. As soon as we propped her up she was all smiles). Had toddler tantrums with Very Big Freelings. Mon the whole, very snuggly. Now a happy, snuggly kindergartener who is the most social of the group. Tireless self advocate. We are told by teachers (three separate teachers) “this kid is why I went into teaching. She brings joy to our day.”
Car seat question says
How do you handle car seats and car safety while traveling without a car?
I would like to take my 5 year old by train to some nearby cities. I imagine once there we will mainly take public transit, but may help to take the occasional cab or Lyft. But I don’t want to haul a car seat all over.
Anon says
We switched to a backless booster for travel when my child turned 4. She met the height and weight guidance (she’s very big for her age) and our ped was ok with it. Before that, we took a car seat with us when we had any car travel planned, even though it was a pain. Cosco Scenera Finale is lightweight.
TheElms says
If you don’t want to do a booster (but at 5 I would if they meet the weight requirement), you could get a ride safer travel vest. It packs down small and could easily go in a tote bag/backpack that you’d take for the day while out doing stuff.
NYCer says
+1 to the ride safer vest.
CCLA says
We recently switched from travel car seats to the ride safer vests for our 4 and 6 year olds when traveling. DH takes care of install but they look pretty easy, they’re basically belt positioners, and they also pack up so small and light.
Anonymous says
Another +1 for the Ride Safer vest or just a backless booster
Anonymous says
Good news Wednesday? DH is an only child with a half sister through his dad; they didn’t grow up together. Half sister has 3 kids, which are my kids’ only cousin-type relations, though we don’t really know or see them ever. DH’s parents are old and have a sizeable nest egg/retirement egg. They are first generation money; MIL was raised on a farm, couldn’t afford school and had 1 pair of shoes for two years as a kid.
Anyhoo, apparently DH’s half sister can’t (isn’t? won’t? idk, not my circus) pay for her oldest to attended the community college program he’s signed up for. MIL called us to say that she’s offered to pay for it, but wanted to gift an equal amount to all the grandkids so where does she send the money? All 3 of my kids are getting a random $15k towards college this week! They are still young so it’ll have a decade to sit around and grow.
Anonymous says
That’s amazing! What a great gift!
anonymous says
That is awesome, what an amazing gift! As the person who has gifted similar sums to young family members for college please, please make sure the kids thank her when they are old enough to understand how lovely this was. Sadly we got no such thanks and have instead been treated with derision for refusing to act as a walking checkbook because ‘you can afford it!’.
Anonymous says
!!! OP here. I did tell my older story who is 10 that grandma is gifting her some money for college. Her BFF has a college age sibling and she knows DH and I met in college so she’s sort of loosely aware of the concept/idea that it’s spendy. She immediately asked when she should write a thank-you.
To be clear, we have always intended to pay for all 3 kids colleges in full. We don’t need the money but MIL is helping our oldest nephew and wants everything to be “fair.” No danger of us hitting her up, though that’s been DH’s half sisters situation for years (she’s not a sponge, just doesn’t make much so they offer to pay for a lot of things, give her old cars, etc).
Anon says
parenting advice needed: last night 5 year old twin A decided to rip up twin B’s picture (twin B wasn’t in the room when twin A did it, but twin B came to tell twin A), twin B was obviously upset (though not THAT upset), and twin A was actually hysterical and more upset than twin B (clearly something else was going on) and was saying that she wanted to hurt twin B’s feelings, though i don’t know if she actually meant that. fortunately DH was home (i often handle evenings solo), but i always feel like i get these situations wrong. i’m a fan of natural consequences but there wasn’t really one in this situation and i wasn’t even sure what the logical consequence was. Twin A was already a bit dis-regulated last night before this happened and i think Twin A was upset for a multitude of reasons – tuesdays are a longer day, twin B got more attention coming home bc she was upset first, this is the last week of prek and kids are switching schools next year and I think they are sad/nervous. anyway – how would you handle something like this in your family?
Anonymous says
This is normal annoying sibling stuff and happens like…hourly in our house. I’d just say that you can’t do that because Twin B worked hard on the picture. And then tell twin A “I can see you’re feeling a bit tired or out of sorts tonight but that doesn’t mean you can hurt your siblings feelings on purpose”. FWIW I often feel lost navigating sibling battles, so you aren’t alone
Mary Moo Cow says
I don’t have twins, but daughters about 2 years apart, and I’ve heard from each of them at different points in their lives that they did something to Sister’s property because they “wanted to hurt her feelings.” In a situation like the one you describe, where the aggressor is more upset, I try to separate them and take the aggressor to have a short conversation and calm down and then bring her back to the victim so she can apologize and we can move on. For me, the natural consequence is realizing you did something mean on impulse and feel badly about it, and that’s enough. Then I try to keep an eye on what caused the jealousy or rage in the first place, and act accordingly, like giving extra hugs, sitting next to her at dinner, etc., for a few days. When the aggressor is pleased that Sister is upset, I try to separate them again but soothe the victim and let the aggressor stew before coming to her for an explanation and apology. If none is forthcoming, DH usually takes her for a walk or a drive to do an unfun errand. By the time they get back, she’s calmed down and ready to apologize (even if its halfheartedly.) Then we say a quick word about respect for each other and family and move on.
Anonymous says
This is all excellent advice.
Anon says
I’ve had almost this exact situation happen but with slightly different-aged kids. Good on you for realizing this likely wasn’t a vindictive act, but the reason of a kid melting down at the end of a long day. I would separate the kids, validate both their feelings and let them calm down (if you are solo, this may involve just moving them onto their own beds or taking one into the hall).
Once calm, I would speak with A, reinforce that was not a kind action and B seems to be feeling sad, and ask if she has ideas to help B feel better. You can offer some if she has none – she could say sorry and offer to draw a new picture, or tape the old one back together, etc. Luckily it doesn’t seem this was a prized possession! And these things happen.
anonM says
5yo does stuff like this to 3yo. I agree with a lot of the comments, it is jus hard sometimes to deal with these things! One thing I have focused on is the 3yo, especially because of the gender dynamic in our family (the younger one is a girl, the boy is older). I make sure to reinforce to 3yo that she can tell brother she’s upset and hurt by his actions, and is free to move to another area/table. It’s kind of a natural consequence – when you’re mean to people they don’t want to play. And DD doesn’t have to just accept mean behavior because it is family. Idk, though, I could be totally getting this wrong too! Just chimed in to add that Twin B needs attention in these situations too. Try not to beat yourself up, we all do our best! (And a reminder to self to pull out that Siblings without Rivalry book because yeah, idk either!!)
Anonymous says
Is anyone else here the non-preferred parent? My husband and 6 year old have always been very close. He had a much longer parental leave than I did, and did more of the middle of the night wake-ups once I was no longer nursing overnight. Now they engage in elaborate pretend play and are starting to play video games together. There are lots of things I enjoy doing with her (walking, swimming, reading, baking) but none of them interest her as much as pretend play and video games, so he’s very much her go-to parent. I know she won’t be this little forever, and we might have more in common when she’s older. And I know I’m lucky that my husband is such an involved parent. But right now it stings a little, especially when one of us travels and I’m reminded of the fact that she’s distraught when he goes out of town and totally unbothered when I’m away. Just wondering if anyone else can commiserate.
Anonymous says
Video games interest her because she’s getting a huge dopamine hit when she plays them. The dopamine response is stronger than what adults get while “gardening”. They’re addictive for kids (and adults). So of course she prefers that. We may be in the minority on those site but we don’t allow any interactive screen time.
And yes playing pretend is their favorite at that age!
OP says
I debated not even mentioning that because I knew someone would say something like this. The time spent on video games is very minimal, maybe 10-15 minutes per week if that. I’m not at all worried she’s addicted to video games. It’s more just that they have a closer bond because of this shared interest.
Anonymous says
I think your real concern is apparent from your post and I get it. Honestly, the easiest way to cope with this might be to lean in and celebrate the special bond between your kid and her dad. Think of how great it is that she has something many kids don’t have and that you are being a good parent for supporting it.
Anonymous says
If it’s only 15 minutes it’s not a factor.
Anonymous says
I hate video games and would be thrilled to be off the hook for that, ha.
Anonymous says
If video games are designed to be addictive then my brain must be atypical. I find them annoying and frustrating and do not understand why anyone thinks they are fun.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s a question – they 100% are. But you have to “get into them” – so if you play a round of MarioKart or one level of a game now and then, you probably won’t be hooked. I also find most of the games my sons play kind of annoying, but I was enthralled by The Sims back in the day. Have any phone games or computer games ever sucked you in?
EDAnon says
I will counter what you said with my 6yo despises pretend play. My 4yo loves it. Every kid is different.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry! This is hard. In our house, DD has a strong mom preference and that has made DS decide he has a strong dad preference. It’s not easy to navigate, and it hurts DH that DD rejects him so much of the time. DH actually likes when I travel for work, because when I’m out of the picture, he and DD get along just fine. Which makes me wonder–could your DH line up some weekend or work trips? Or could you carve out an activity that gives you and your daughter some dedicated 1:1 opportunities? I think these things just take time and patience.
TheElms says
I am definitely the non-preferred parent for my older child and have been since about 9 months old. She has had a strong preference for DH pretty much her whole life and is only starting to moderate a bit now at 4. My DH did bedtime once I stopped nursing and that is when it started I think and he is generally more willing to give into her requests for “one more” whatever it is, whereas I hold the boundary. She has definitely said “why aren’t you fun like daddy” many, many times since turning 2 and “I want my daddy” to my face when I’m not doing something the way she wants it to go. I am 90% fine with it, but sometimes it makes me sad. The big upside for us as a family was that when we added little sister I think the adjustment for her was not nearly as big as for most because she already strongly preferred time with dad and so wasn’t all that bothered by the fact I was spending pretty much all day and night holding/feeding a screaming baby for months on end.
anonM says
I can commiserate. My 5.5yo is starting to prefer dad, also mainly out of shared interests. This kid loves doing projects, and so does DH. They spend a lot of time working on various projects together while I do the less glamorous work of dishes/laundry, and it sometimes stinks. What makes me feel better is special one-on-one time with DS.
Anonymous says
+1 for special one-on-one time. I am the preferred parent and I have deliberately put my husband in charge of driving to certain activities, etc. to give them their own time together. It seems to help.
CCLA says
TLDR: Loft beds – will I regret them? Other suggestions to create separate spaces in a shared room?
I realize they are a PITA to change sheets on, and also to snuggle, though we don’t do in-bed snuggles so much any more. Other major cons? Kids are 4 and 6 and share a room, and older kid is expressing a desire for some space of her own, and is keen to get a loft bed with some space under it for her own lair of sorts. I am considering just getting two and letting them each personalize their side of the room.
Megs says
Fwiw, gave my (now 11) year old an ikea loft for his 9th birthday and he still loves it. Sheets rarely get changed, tbh. And when he’s sick and I have to climb up there it’s a total PITA. My only other thing I haven’t figured out is how we are going to take it apart when the time comes. Sledgehammer?
CCLA says
Thanks! I was worried about longevity, so this is good to know.
Anonymous says
Can you try bunking their twin beds first? That creates some private space without the bulk of two lofts. I think two loft beds would make a room very dark and crowded.
CCLA says
Thought about this, but that just gives us more floor space which they don’t really need – not sure that really gives much privacy (I guess the older could climb up to be more “away” but still just leaves her bed as the only space that is hers). But maybe I will try bunking them and giving them also each a desk space…hmm.
Anonymous says
That’s what I would do–bunk and give them each a desk or one of those hanging tents with a cushion in it.