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P.S. Happy Ramadan to those who celebrate!
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Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
- Zappos – 28,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off kids’ camp styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off summer pajamas; up to 50% off all baby styles (semi-annual baby event!)
- Carter’s – Summer deals from $5; up to 60% off swim
- Old Navy – 30% off your order; kid/toddler/baby tees $4
- Target – Kids’ swim from $8; summer accessories from $10
NLD in NYC says
Wise hive, need some advice. DS attends a family, in-home daycare run by a couple of sisters. They had a death in the family and have closed for the rest of the week. I don’t know any more details, but want to/feel like I should do or send something. Any suggestions? I don’t know if they are traveling so sending flowers or food might be risk as it might sit outside an apt door for days. A condolence card with a check? TIA.
Anon says
I’d probably just do a condolence card, maybe ask other parents about organizing a meal train for when they’re back in town. Cash feels kind of weird to me personally unless it’s part of a GoFundMe or something like that organized by someone closer to the family.
GCA says
A condolence card with cash sounds right to me, but I have some culturally ingrained ‘cash for all occasions’ habits.
OOO says
Can you find out if the family has identified a charity to donate to in the loved one’s memory? And then send a condolence card to sisters.
Anon says
Do you know the cultural background of the sisters? Many cultures receive cash gifts at the wake/funeral. Other cultures do not receive flowers at all, or some flowers are considered inappropriate for a funeral.
OP says
They are Dominican. I guess I can also ask my Dominican husband as well (smile). I’m always unsure of what to do when the loved one of a 1.5/2nd tier relationship (e.g. coworker you’re friendly with) passes away.
NLD in NYC says
Thanks all for your comments!
anon says
I’ve been letting my husband struggle and I’m really proud of myself. Let me explain: I, as do many women, carry the vast bulk of the mental and physical load in our home. We have a 1.5 year old and I am 7 weeks pregnant with twins. We both work full time but he works rotating shifts, so I solo parent 50% of the evenings after kiddo comes home from daycare.I also solo parent 50% of the mornings when he has to be at work at 6am. Today he was in charge of morning care of kiddo, since he doesn’t have to be at work until noon. I work from home and daycare is closing early so my workday is ending at 3 because husband will be at work noon-10pm. I needed the time from 7-9 this morning to work. Husband: didn’t supervise kiddo while she ate breakfast (in her high chair) so she got peanut butter all over her hair which he had to wash. He underestimated the time it would take to get both of them ready so he’s late for daycare dropoff. He forgot where he had put her lunchbox. And I…stayed in my home office and let him struggle. It honestly felt so good and although I feel slightly guilty, I mostly don’t. It would have been easier for me to step in and deal with everything but…time for him to learn things the hard way. He’s really great in so many ways but I am tired of being the only efficient one
GCA says
After this practical lesson in struggle, perhaps listening to the Fair Play audiobook together is the next step?
Also, congratulations and oof, I remember how exhausted I was in those early days of pregnancy. Don’t feel guilty at all – if there is ever a time for a spouse to step up, this is certainly it.
Anon says
Go you! And congrats on your pregnancy. I have a 2.5 year old and 9 month old. I think it’s great your husband is learning to do the daily routine on his own. My husband still doesn’t and it’s MUCH hard with 2 kids vs 1. I wish I pushed him to be a more independent parent before our second was born.
Anonymous says
I’ve noticed that morning routine actually goes more smoothly if one parent isn’t at the house. There are fewer tantrums and dallying. It doesn’t seem to matter whether DH is gone or me. Have any of you noticed this?
Anon says
Not morning routine specifically, but generally yes kiddo is better behaved and tries harder to be independent when she’s alone with one parent, whether at home or traveling. I don’t think it’s hugely surprising.
anon says
Oh, totally. I used to think we had a really good system going since we would pass kiddo back-and-forth in morning and evening as each of us did different house/kid tasks. Then I got wise and realized each of those was a transition in kiddo’s mind, with all the attendant struggles. Some days it was fine. Some days it was not. We do more “blocks” of care noew.
AwayEmily says
My husband and I have both noticed that the big kids (5 and 7) hold it together more when one parent is gone (my husband is gone 2 days a week, and I travel a fair bit). I have thought about this a lot and have a couple of theories. First, the older one actually does help out more (refrains from antagonizing her brother, responds more quickly to requests) because she’s an empathetic kid and wants to help out the solo parent. Second, the solo parent tends to do a bit more “anticipatory work” — like, if I know I’m on my own I will plan easy dinners, maybe find a coloring book they haven’t used for awhile and set it out, etc. And finally, I’m just much more ON when solo parenting — like, I don’t look at my phone or spend a long time in the bathroom, I’m 100% focused on making sure we get through each next step.
An.On. says
Yes, absolutely. I think it helps that there’s fewer distractions and one sole authority. That being said, there’s also a point at which our kid gets really tired of hanging out with the same parent and will get kind of grumpy/bored until the other parent is re-introduced.
Tea/Coffee says
Absolutely. Started when DC1 was an infant… we did split shifts so i spent YEARS sneaking out of the house before anyone else was awake :-). I used to hide in the powder room if i was sick!
The kids are older now, and I WFH several days/week, but I notice that DH and I do mornings VERY differently and the kids seem to do just fine with either routine. I may have the most trouble of all of us lol
Anon says
Yes, and agreed specifically about morning.
Spirograph says
absolutely. I also have a smoother morning if I’m not tripping over DH in the kitchen or trying to time our getting -dressed /bathroom routines around each other. Our schedules used to be offset and he’d get up and go before I was done with my AM workout, but now everyone’s getting ready at the same time and it feels like chaos.
Cb says
Yep, absolutely! When I’m home, I stay upstairs until T is putting on his shoes, and then swoop down and cycle with him to school. If I’m downstairs during breakfast, I’m just a distraction. When my husband leaves early for the office, we often have time to play or read a story for a bit.
When I’m away completely, they often get to breakfast club 15 minutes earlier because T is so much more efficient. There’s something about convincing your kid that you are on the same team, and getting out the door together.
Abby says
Is there any way to return a gift without a gift receipt? Friends of my MIL gifted me a baby bjorn bouncer for our shower, but didn’t include a gift receipt. A friend recently told me they have a used baby bjorn bouncer to give us if we want, which would be great, but I don’t need 2 of these things. I’m fine keeping both, but the bouncers are ~$200 and I’d love to spend that money on something else if possible
TheElms says
Do you know where they purchased it? Often customer service will take things back and give you store credit for the current sale price in this instance.
Anon says
Do you know where it came from? If you know it came from, say, Target you can ask Target if they’ll take it back with no receipt. My guess is no, but it doesn’t hurt to ask and you might get some store credit at least.
But if you don’t know where it was purchased it’s unethical to just try to return it somewhere at random.
Abby says
Ugh, no clue where it came from. My other option would be to ask MIL to ask her friends, but I think it would hurt their feelings so I’m guessing the answer is to suck it up.
Thanks all!
Anon says
Just ask! I understand the semi-awkward relationship, but really anyone would understand and want you to have something you’d use!
Vicky Austin says
Or “ask for a friend”! I did this all the time when I had questions for my BFF who had her baby a week after I found out I was pregnant. “Hey, my coworker is trying to pick a nursing bra – what ones did you like?”
Anon says
I can confirm target will take back and give store credit with no receipt. Got double gifted on my registry too
Abby says
Thank you for this info!
Vicky Austin says
Literally in the same boat with a couple things that got duplicated from our registry somehow; I was honestly just going to resell them.
Anon says
+1 to resale
Anonymous says
I would keep both. I had two (cheap) bouncers, one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen, and it was so nice not to have to move one around to where I needed it. Those things were a sanity-saver.
Anon says
I’m also on team Multiple Bouncers.
OOO says
Or one for your house and another for Grandma’s house. Only if you can’t return it.
Anonymous says
Well, I would have gotten kicked out of a FL school this morning:
One of my son’s new school friends has two dads and one is nonbinary. Son cheerfully volunteers this information frequently (I’m pretty sure he just hears it from his friend and has no clue what it means), but this morning after son said “[friend] has two dads but she wasn’t adopted because one is nonbinary!” my daughter then asked “what is nonbinary?” and wow was I not prepared.
I answered this the best I could, probably with more information than was necessary: binary means one thing or the other with no other choices, like in computers it’s 1 or 0. People used to think that people were like that – you’re either boy or girl and that’s it. But some people, even though they have male body parts, they feel like a girl or vice versa. Even though we know that boys and girls can do all the same things if they want to, people interact with you differently based on whether they think you’re a boy or a girl, and that can be weird if people are treating you like a girl when you feel like a boy. So sometimes people might want to change their hair and clothes to they look more like the gender they feel like, and ask people to call them a different name, or to use a different pronoun like “they” instead of “he” or “she.” And that’s all fine, everyone is different and it really doesn’t matter what their body parts are, it’s important to respect who people want to be and use the name and the pronouns they ask you to use.
And then luckily we arrived at school. But since my son will absolutely continue to talk about this, and he really likes this friend so we may also end up spending time with her parents, how can I do better next time? I know there are some people here who have nonbinary children and family members — what do you wish kids knew? kids are in elementary school.
anon. says
No notes, honestly wish I could be as articulate as this on the fly!
OP says
oh I definitely edited out all the verbal pauses from my summary, it didn’t come out that smooth! (but thank you!)
FVNC says
I think this was a great explanation. Within our family friend circle, we regularly interact with one gay couple and one lesbian couple, so thankfully my kids take for granted that families don’t all look the same…but we have not encountered the nonbinary discussion before. I’m filing away some of your phrasing for the future! I especially like the computer analogy.
Anonymous says
As a queer mom, I say some folks are boys, some folks are girls, and some folks don’t feel like either a boy or a girl so they call themselves “X” – with X being non binary (or gender fluid as the case with one of our sitters). We also talk about how folks say boys are X and girls are Y, but isn’t that funny because all people can be/ wear all things?
And bless their hearts if they kick one of my kids out of school for talking about their two (lawyer) moms.
OP says
Thank you, I really like this. Whenever my kids ask Big Questions, I try to start with the smallest possible answer, minimum viable product-style, and then expand based on follow-ups rather than trying to capture all the complexity at once. I could feel myself doing that this morning, because I didn’t have that one-sentence summary at the ready. I also then realized that non-binary is not necessarily the same as transgender, which is more what I described? and holy cow there’s just so much here that I haven’t given enough thought to in order to answer what seems like a simple question!
Anonymous says
+1 to minimum viable product, and for clarifying requirements for that minimum viable product by asking “why do you ask?” So many complicated adult answers don’t get at the question the kid is actually asking.
Anon says
I also try to answer these questions in the simplest possible way. My kid’s kindergarten teacher from last year is nonbinary and I waited all year for it to come up as an actual question, but every kid seemed to understand that the teacher used they/them pronouns and that was just the end of the story. I was prepared to explain it similarly to wanting your name pronounced the correct way: if someone tells you what to call them or how to pronounce it, then that’s what you call that person.
Anon. says
Hit me up with your best non-backpack long haul carryon bags for toting kids’ gear (some of which will be in their backpacks but one of the kids is 3, so…), snacks, and a few small things for myself. I like the idea of a tote with a crossbody strap, something pretty big that can double as a “throw in a few last minute purchases inside this” bag. Looking at LLBean large hunter tote as an option, but would love to know your thoughts too!
Anon says
I would just use a backpack if you really don’t want this stuff in your wheeled bags. It’s uncomfortable and awkward to have a lot of gear on your shoulders in anything except a backpack.
anon. says
I just end up not being able to find stuff in backpacks so was hoping to stow the tote under the seat in front of me and pull stuff out as needed…
TheElms says
If you think you might want to slide it over a rolling suitcase (either checked or carryon size) at some point, I’d look for a similar option with a luggage sleeve.
My kids are younger (diapers and until recently formula needed) and I typically need a carryon sized rolling suitcase and a large tote to fit everything I need for them both and me on a long haul flight. I use my work tote because I typically need to travel with my laptop.
anonM says
Thirty-One Zip-Top Organizing Utility Tote – Simply Floral
TheElms says
Sort of related to today’s topic – my main everyday hairdryer is going to kick the bucket imminently. What I have now is nothing fancy, maybe cost $30, and does the job. I have straight, fine (but lots and lots of it), mid to long hair (always at least shoulder length but often a few inches below that) that I wear down or partly down most days. I blow dry my hair most days. Would a Dyson or Shark be worth it?
Team Dyson says
I adore my Dyson, but I have long thick hair that takes forever to dry—so the Dyson was a game changer.
Anon says
I have long thick hair that takes forever to dry, and I love and have replaced every 5-8 years over the past two decades some version of the Infiniti Pro Conair Salon model with the AC motor. Works like a champ, has ceramics for gentle heat, ionics for less frizz, three heat settings and a cold shot. Usually around $40 give or take. I have heard mixed reviews from friends that have tried the dyson, and to me it’s just not worth the money, but if that’s where you want to splurge, go for it, especially since you dry your hair every day!
An.On. says
We’ll be traveling for two nights with a 2 year old, who has slept in a crib since they were 2 days old. We’ve never been able to use a pack and play for them (in fact we gave ours away and I don’t want to re-buy one). There will be a bed but not a crib where we’re staying. What’s the best sleep solution? Under the sheet bumpers? Inflatable toddler mattress on the ground? Should we just bring the whole crib, which sounds crazy but could be set up in less than half an hour? Something else I’m not thinking of?
At the moment we’re really struggling with bedtime too, so I’m worried they’re going to be flailing and screaming and will need to be safely contained in order to go to sleep.
Anon says
At that age, probably inflatable toddler mattress.
anon. says
At this age we had a ton of success making kids a “nest” on the floor and getting them really excited about it. We didn’t have any special inflatable anything – just a pile of blankets. It worked very well.
Anon says
We did this too- we would put the couch pillows on the floor and make a nest.
We also used the Phil and Ted travel crib when camping, so that might be a contained option. I don’t think Phil and Ted make one anymore, but other companies do.
TheElms says
Rent a crib (from BabyQuip or similar) to be delivered to where you are staying?
Anon says
A rental (or hotel) “crib” is likely to be a pack n play.
Anon says
I used many baby rental companies. They offered both cribs and pack n plays as separate options with different pricing.
AcademicDoc says
My kid is similar age and still sleeps in a crib. We’ve put him in a bed against the wall with a pillow bumper made by putting pillows under the fitted sheet successfully. He loved it and it literally never occurred to him he could climb out.
We asked if he wanted to transition to a big kid bed after the super fun of that experience and he said “No, NAME not ready.”
anonM says
Something like this? Regalo My Cot Portable Child Travel Bed
Anonymous says
PeaPod – we used this to age 3 for travel. My kids were all big fans of their cribs and this gave them a secure, contained, crib like feeling.
Anon says
Buy nothing a baby bjorn travel crib. Our group has ones just for this purpose.
Anon says
My almost 10 yo really, really enjoys music. So far she’s been listening to music on an Echo dot in her room. I’d love to get her a portable device for Easter so she can listen to music on Spotify while walking the dog or on her way to school. She’d love to be able to choose her favorite songs on Spotify more reliably than she can on the Echo dot, so it probably should have a screen. However, I don’t want to get her a device with social media or that will cause a screen addiction.
Any suggestions for such a mythical music player?
Anonymous says
No suggestions, but if you can’t find one — I recently got my kid an ipad and set up her own icloud account as a “kid” account that I can control, and took off all the apps (including internet browser) that I didn’t want her to have. It would be totally possible to do the same with an old phone if you have one. She can’t download any apps without me approving it from my phone, and I set screentime limits so it is unusable before 7 and after 9. She previously used my ipad to watch stuff and play games, and now that she can read and spell and google, this feels a lot safer.
Anon says
+1 We did something similar with an old iPhone that no longer has service. She uses a hotspot if she needs internet away from our home wifi. It also has a few educational apps and a few games, and she earns screen time by completing her chores and homework for the day.
While right now it’s locked down and has screentime limits, we’re trying to set the stage for future phone use. It charges in our living room overnight and she knows that we can and will check it every so often to make sure she’s not exposed to any dangers we haven’t talked through (aka she hasn’t downloaded social media).
She’s done great, and right now we’re in the trial period of adding Roblox to it. For us, that means that we have her account name and password, she’s friends with us on the app, and she only plays it while sitting next to us. iPhone shows app usage so we can check if she’s playing it other times, or sign in and see if she’s active if we’re concerned.
AcademicDoc says
What about an old IPod?
Vicky Austin says
+1 – the old Nanos or Classics would be good for this.
anon says
Do those play Spotify or would we need to find mp3s to load on the device?
Vicky Austin says
Oh, shoot, you’re right – I don’t think they do work with Spotify; you’d need to go the iTunes route.
I had an iPod touch as an older teen; those can run the Spotify app. You’d just need to lock down the other features (as they’re basically tiny tablets). Nanos/Classics had almost no other functionality so it would be harder to get screen-addicted to, which is why I suggested them.
anon says
We never did iTunes, so my mp3 catalog stops in the Napster era. I don’t want to purchase a bunch of mp3s given the availability of streaming.
Vicky Austin says
I’d go the iPod touch route in that case if you can find one.
Anonymous says
You’re looking for an iPod ;) But seriously, DH told me Spotify has something called a “car thing” and it just plays your music. I have no idea how it works or whether it connects to wifi but maybe look into that?
anon says
Apparently the Spotify “car thing” has be discontinued.
DLC says
We went old school (well, not as old school as a walkman, but we did do that too) and got a refurbished iPod Touch and loaded it with playlists. Not as flexible for music choice as streaming though.
Lily says
I don’t think I’d want a kid that young walking around wearing headphones or ear buds, personally. Too much risk they’d get distracted crossing the street or be an easy target for a criminal.
Anonymous says
I don’t allow my kids to wear headphones while walking, and I don’t either. Pedestrians need to be aware of their surroundings.
Anon says
So my son is achieving at grade level in everything at school. Not great at anything, but average. I do think because he’s quiet and doesn’t cause trouble, he tends to be overlooked by the teacher. However, I’m really struggling with this level of achievement. My family of origin really, really values education (immigrant family, education is viewed as the way out of poverty) and average would have been absolutely unacceptable. My husband is from a family with a more relaxed view towards education (but also not immigrant). Here’s where my struggle is: I don’t know if I should push my kid as I was pushed or if I accept him being average and generally stay out of academics so long as my son is achieving at grade level. Part of my brain is telling me to push my son academically, because it’s a hyper competitive world out there and average is not going to cut it, but my son’s teacher treated me as if I was nuts when I discussed additional resources for him or things that we can do at home to enrich his academic experience. To her, achieving at grade level is fine and all that mattered. Has anyone else struggled with this?
Anonymous says
Is your child intellectually curious? I would encourage that kind of curiosity about learning and leave it at that. Like you, I might struggle with average- but not if my kid were genuinely doing their best, trying hard, and exhibiting curiosity. If I felt my kid was just not interested in learning I might be trying harder on that front at home.
anon says
+1 to fostering intellectual curiosity. I don’t think it really matters in the long run if a child is average or awesome at spelling or multiplication tables. Fostering intellectual curiosity is a gift for life.
anon says
Can you follow his lead? I try to stay out of the striver mentality and focus on introducing things to my kids that I think they’ll enjoy and that enrich their lives. They both are playing instruments they chose. We play lots of board games. We do art projects. We read interesting books and go to museums. One does language immersion. The other is on a STEM team. I focus on trying to raise interested and engaged humans, rather than focusing on achievement.
I feel like achievement (on their terms) will come if they’re interested and engaged in life.
Anonymous says
How old is he, and is he achieving to his own potential?
Also, is he on track to have all available options open to him in high school? I’d push him to meet the minimum requirements to qualify for the most advanced courses available in middle school and high school (e.g., take advanced math if available and start foreign language early) so he can choose that path if he wants to, but beyond that elementary school performance is really not that important.
anon says
Depending on what’s available where you live, I’d push back a little on being ready to take the “most” advanced classes in middle school. They’ll let kids here take Algebra 1 as a 6th grader, which require a lot of outside math prep in elementary school, and leads to them taking Calculus BC as a sophomore in HS. I personally think it’s a bit nuts and too much acceleration for all but a very few kids.
Anon says
+1 to the most advanced path not being necessary for the vast majority of people. I was the only person in my large high school to take AP Calculus as a sophomore. I was off-the-charts good at math and went to MIT. It was a fine path for me and probably gave me an edge with college admissions, but obviously the vast majority of people do not do anywhere near this much acceleration and turn out more than fine. If you are interested in a math/science/engineering career you should take AP Calc by senior year of high school, but that’s about as far as I’d go with respect to advanced classes. And even if you don’t take it until college it’s not impossible to become an engineer.
Anon says
Similarly, I was Not Ready to be accelerated in math, but my achiever parents pushed me into all of the most advanced math classes. As a result, I wasn’t studying math at a level that was appropriate for my comprehension level, was in way over my head in most high school classes, and ultimately believed myself to be very bad at math. It was not until I got to college that I actually went backward in terms of skill level that I realized I wasn’t bad at math, I had just missed a lot of early fundamentals because I was in classes that outpaced my ability to actually comprehend the skills, not just make it through tests. I thus couldn’t grasp the more advanced skills that built on the early stuff. I have a 4th grader, and her best friend’s mom got her into accelerated math because her daughter “felt bad” that she wasn’t in accelerated math. Meanwhile, I’m watching my child do math that is exactly at her skill level, and she LOVES it. I’ll take a happy kid who feels good about her ability to figure out math problems over a kid who has checked the box of an accelerated class, as I truly believe it will lead to longer term success.
Anonymous says
I spent a lot of time tutoring kids who “weren’t capable” of excelling in math. Most of them were perfectly capable and just hadn’t been taught properly. It usually took just a few sessions of deriving concepts and algorithms using manipulatives such as base-10 blocks and fraction towers, plus some memorization work on arithmetic facts, to get them on the right track. If they are taught properly, the vast majority of college-bound kids are completely capable of understanding pre-algebra or algebra 1 in sixth grade, both of which are categorized as “advanced” in our school district. In slow-paced courses that teach algorithms by rote, kids get turned off to math because it’s boring and they don’t understand what’s going on. I am very good at math but despised it until I hit calculus, which was the first course where the teacher derived anything.
In a public school like ours, with subpar math instruction and no writing instruction, I think all kids are well served by supplementing with math materials that get them actually comprehending the concepts and get them out of the boring arithmetic courses as quickly as possible, and by putting them in fun writing courses over the summer. Not to give them an advantage or push them for the sake of getting ahead, but simply to make up for the basics that aren’t being taught in school.
Anon says
My parents are both math professors and strongly disagree with the statement that most children have the mathematical ability to do algebra in sixth grade. There’s a reason those concepts were traditionally (even in our grandparents’ era when schools were less dumbed down) taught to ninth graders and very bright eighth graders. You can teach any kid rote ways to solve equations but most sixth graders lack the ability to understand the concepts.
Anon says
(Fwiw my math professor mom took calculus senior year and my dad took it in college. The hyper acceleration that leads to kids taking calculus as freshmen/sophomores is very recent and not a good idea in my parents’ opinion. They were opposed to me even taking algebra in seventh but I took a school test that placed me in that class and there wasn’t much they could do about it.)
Vicky Austin says
I wouldn’t take his teacher’s reaction as a barometer for whether or not to push your son. I’m generally defensive of teachers (raised by two), but I also don’t think school is the end-all, be-all of anyone’s education, and let’s be real: she’s probably overwhelmed with getting all of her students to achieve at grade level on top of all the other things a teacher is supposed to be watching out for. I would base your decision on your son: does he seem to want more than what he’s getting at school? What are his interests? Is he getting a chance to pursue them?
Anony says
I had a thoughtful conversation about this with my immigrant parents recently. At the time I was a child we were very new immigrants in that place of trying to get out of poverty. They pushed academically, but I didn’t bristle at this – I was a very nerdy kid who loved school and studying, so my interests were aligned with their hopes. My kids are 4, and they seem bright to me in the totally normal way that most young kids seem bright to their parents, but they are also very different from me in their personalities so far and I suspect their interests might be different from mine as they get older. Anyway, my parents actually started the conversation after listening to a podcast about parenting and pressure and they asked me if I planned to be as involved in my kids’ schoolwork as they were in mine. I said that I would try to nurture intellectual interests but more in areas outside of school (which to be fair, they did too – they were always taking me to free museums, the library, etc.) but that I think I will probably stay out of their way more with actual schoolwork. We ended up agreeing that even though their methods worked well for me, when we look around at my peers who are having good lives and careers (including doing reasonably okay financially, though that’s a wide range, of course), their strengths and successes are in various areas, not necessarily just academics or the kinds of jobs my parents really wanted me to pursue. I think probably some of them were average academically in school, and then they did well in their careers either because they have very strong social skills, or maybe another talent shaped their work ethic and goals. Some of them found their interests later and went back to school, and some of them did do the more academic path and it didn’t work out for them for whatever reason so they found a different one that was better for them.
That said, I’m 43 and I’m not sure I would have felt this way 10-15 years ago. Back then, the peers that I saw as successful had all followed the sort of standard competitive college, competitive grad school path – so I think part of this is just seeing how life is long and also branching out my circle of friends.
Anon says
Accept him being average.
I went to an elite college where almost everyone was 99.9th percentile academically and many had been pushed hard by parents. Kids who are pushed are likely to be burn out early – in college, if not before. The people I know who have the most successful careers in our late 30s are mostly people whose parents were very hands off, and in many cases dyslexia or a similar issue prevented them from being identified as very good at academics until high school or later. I realize this is mostly anecdata, but I’m pretty sure there is published research that backs it up. I realize there’s a large margin between “average” and “highly gifted,” but I will also tell you that (as an exceptionally gifted kid from a culture that also really prioritizes education) given the choice, I would choose an average kid over a highly gifted one any day of the week. I don’t think anyone would wish for a kid who’s falling behind grade level due to either intellect or lack of effort, but there’s a lot to be said for being normal.
Anonymous says
A little in that I found elementary school really boring and I wasn’t challenged enough and I didn’t want that experience for my kids. That said, my parents were really high pressure at the high school level and that caused me to burnout in high school and have a miserable college experience which I also didn’t want. My happy medium has been to have the kids in language immersion school (Canada so this is common) and introduce weekly language lessons outside of school in DH’s family’s first language (you mentioned immigrant parents – is that an option for your family?) There’s lots of evidence that learning multiple languages is great for your brain. We also are a bit more spendy with summer camps to keep up learning over the summer. Like one that is language lessons in the morning and horse riding in the afternoon or the pricey one at the local science centre. Our local university’s engineering school also runs great summer camps. I don’t push but I do offer lots of options in their areas of interest.
Anonymous says
What does your son like? What is he good at? It’s doesn’t have to be academics, but he should be interested in *something.*
Also, is he bright-but-doesn’t-try or of average intelligence? Pushing an average kid to excel is a recipe for disaster.
Anon says
+1 to there being a big difference between a kid of average intelligence and a bright kid not living up to potential. Even the Tiger Mom says you don’t push in the former situation.
Anon says
I think age of kid matters a lot here. A first grader being grade average is totally great and it would be crazy to push (testing on younger kids may also not be that accurate). A sixth grader being average – might also be fine, but if it’s because he’s slacking in some way and you can tell he’s capable of more (like not completing homework but acing tests, so it balances to average grades) that may be worth some pushing/expectations setting.
If you do want to “enrich” him further, I would focus on reading (for pleasure). Being able to read well and across varied topics can open so many windows in a kid’s mind, impart knowledge as well as soft skills like empathy, and is (IMO) the most important lifelong tool you can give your child. You can even read to him if he’s hesitant.
Vicky Austin says
+1 to all the reading.
Ifiknew says
I would push a bit, how old is your kid? I think there’s such a huge line between completely hands off and having your elementary kids do hours of academic enrichment. My 3 and 5 year olds do 15 to 30 mins daily of “extra” work in math reading or writing. it takes my 5 year old about 15 mins max and a little longer for my 3 year old but they’re both in the routine of it and don’t complain. I think pushing kids to a point where they aren’t happy or resent you is extremely unnecessary but I think all kids benefit from being pushed a bit. I think academic excellence at the best of a kids ability is important.
GCA says
I struggle a bit with this as well – my family of origin also really values education, and academics were my mom’s way out of poverty. Sister & I were happy to be pushed a little, but my parents were actually not the most hyper-competitive and academically pushy parents out there (!).
One thing you don’t mention is the long view – what kind of adult are you hoping to raise, fit for what kind of world? Yes, it’s hyper competitive out there – but what if the problems that we really need to be addressing are climate change and social distrust and misinformation?
You’ve probably thought about this, and I would work backwards from there. Are you trying to impart the life skill of doing one’s best? Intellectual curiosity? A drive to change the world? What kind of life do you picture for your child when they are grown up? And how does all of this align with your child’s abilities, skills and interests?
Sometimes one’s desire to push a child is borne out of anxiety. Maybe you, or your parents’ generation, studied & worked your way out of poverty, and you’re worried that without the same work ethic your child will not be as financially stable as you are today. But I’m an elder millennial who has seen my parents’ iron rice bowl just…stop working for my generation. One crisis or another can destabilize the whole economy. I wouldn’t count at all on today’s achievements being fit for tomorrow’s world.
Alternately, you might be pushing a child because you see potential in them but they’re not trying/ not living up to it. (This is where I struggle with my 2nd grader!) At times like this I try and remember what it’s like to *be a kid*. As a kid I did a ton of dabbling that looks ‘lazy’ or ‘dilettante-ish’ from the outside. I read every junk book I could get my hands on. I’m sure my parents were appalled at the number of RL Stine books I brought home from the library. I watched soap operas with my grandma every afternoon. I made up games with friends. But not everything has to be a structured, formal activity or have a clear achievement pathway to be of value.
Anon says
Lol yes on the R L Stine books! Brings me back. I also remember being shamed by my sixth grade English teacher because I was reading Sweet Valley High as my pleasure book. Still stings!
And I went on to be very academically successful and an avid reader across basically every genre of fiction and nonfiction (and as a mom of three young kids, I read about 80 books a year).
So be careful how you push and what you say and what you imply is “beneath him” or disappointing.
Anon says
My parents were also annoyed about me reading Sweet Valley High and Babysitter’s Club before that. I was very academically successful and am an avid reader now. Parents need to just let kids read what they enjoy!
Anon says
yes, in 7th grade at parent teacher conferences my parents complained to the teacher that I read too much Babysitter’s Club and asked the teacher how to get me to read something else. The teacher smartly told them to leave me alone and as long as I was reading they shouldn’t be so concerned with what i was reading. of course my parents didn’t listen and tried to get me to read something else and so i stopped reading for pleasure for a while…i do have two ivy league degrees so i don’t think the babysitter’s club harmed my brain too much and i do still enjoy reading now
Boston Legal Eagle says
I also read BBC, R.L. Stine as mentioned below, the Fear Street series, and pretty much all young teen books. And watched soap operas and a lot of TV! I don’t want to be all, well I turned out ok, but… I did?
Boston Legal Eagle says
*BSC, obviously.
Anonymous says
The Boxcar Children helped me win the school district spelling bee, so I think any reading is great reading! (The winning word was “doubt”)
AwayEmily says
This is a great way of thinking about it. I am VERY firmly on team not-push because the risks outweigh the potential benefits for me. My two goals are to raise kids who feel confident and accepted for who they are and are kind to others, and I think that pushing kids can (though does not always) work against those goals.
In my own experience, most (though of course not all) of my friends who were pushed as kids now struggle with anxiety, self-image issues, imposter syndrome, etc. I will note that most of them are VERY successful by other metrics — great jobs, etc — but they deal with a lot of baseline stress and feelings of inadequacy that non-pushed kids (including me) do not. Again, I’m sure there are ways to push in a healthy way, but for me it’s not worth the risk.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is a really great comment, and I resonate with a lot of it (immigrant parents, redefining what success means, even R.L. Stine! (those were great books….)) I think a key trait I would want my kids to have is resilience. Maybe they’ll get straight As and into a top school but then realize they don’t want this path. Or maybe they’ll struggle a lot at school, or in sports, or with friends. Being able to pick yourself back up (with support) is really important. And I think anyone who’s worked in corporate America or government or any job really knows that it’s not always the book smart people that “succeed.” And success can look a lot of different ways.
Anon says
The Self Driven Child and How To Raise An Adult are interesting books about letting our children control their own lives and the successes that come from that.
Anonymous says
I gotta tell you, I would have been Team Push a while back. but now I’m old (40- ha!). I live in a very wealthy Boston suburb and my kids and their friends all live extremely comfortable lives. Tropical vacations, second homes, fancy cars, nannies (if wanted), a parent that can SAH if they want to.
And you know what? The parents of these kids were not all high achievers in high school. You can be highly successful (as measured by money) without taking the hardest classes your entire life. you can be highly successful (as measured by fame) without being the smartest kid in your class. You can be highly successful (as measured by job title) without going to top colleges.
Anonymous says
Maybe some therapy before you mess him
up with your perfectionism and anxiety
Anonymous says
Elementary and middle school academics are worthless. At that age, school is just a warehouse for kids full of boxes to be ticked. Does he like to read, write, investigate the world around him, etc.? If not, get him doing these things in a fun way. If so, support his interests in a non-tiger-mom way.
Anon says
tips for making parenting feel like less of a slog. when my twins were little, it was obviously very hard physically and I was exhausted, but I was able to find the moments of joy in them discovering something new or all the cute phrases that came out of their mouths as they were learning to talk. then at 3.25 the tantrums started and now at almost 5, i feel like in the morning i’m counting down the minutes until our nanny arrives and in the evening counting down the minutes until bedtime. one of them is always yelling about something. last night for example out of nowhere one twin had a complete meltdown bc the other twin is older by one minute. this morning the other twin didn’t like what was for breakfast, etc. in many ways it was honestly so much easier when they were 2. yet i know i will look back on this time and miss them being little. any tips?
Anon says
Sounds like you might be burnt out a bit on parenting. When was the last time you truly had a break?
Can you get a hotel room for yourself for a night?
Is there something that you love you can share with your kids? Maybe go a small adventure this weekend and enjoy viewing it through their lens?
FVNC says
Recently my 5 yr old had a meltdown because he will always be 4 years younger than his sister. Apparently, one minute or four years — the injustice is the same :)
Sorry you’re going through this, and I wish I had an answer. The only thing I can suggest is getting out of the house as much as possible. With the longer days and improving weather, can you eat outside? Go to a playground before or after dinner? Take an after-dinner walk? Basically, anything that shakes up the routine helps me feel like the week is less of a slog.
Anonymous says
Parenting breaks and also one on one time with each kid. Generally I take one with me to walk the dog after supper while DH does something with the other. We do this 4/7 days so it’s ‘fair’ that each kid gets alone time with each parent twice a week.
Anon says
In the moment, the more present I am the more enjoyable/smoother things go. In short, that means putting my phone away. If I pick it up, my kids sense it and seem to act out more, and I also miss any warning signs that trouble is brewing. I read to them while they eat, I am close and help shepherd them through their routines. Yah, I mostly want to hide in the kitchen for a “break”, but since I know there’s an endpoint (school, bed) I’m always glad I focused on them for those couple hours, and I feel more positive about our interactions.
OP says
probably should have added that I do a lot of solo parenting bc DH works long hours/travels and when he is around, I’m tempted to have him handle the kids so I can have a break. I do get some time to myself because we have a nanny and so like twice a week, i have like 2 hours to myself between work and getting the kids and I don’t work Fridays, so i realize i have more time to myself than most. it just seems like if it’s not one kid having a rough day, then the other one is. usually by the time i see them they’ve already spent a ton of time playing outside and we live in an area of the country where summer is our indoor season bc its so hot and gross
anon says
It’s a gift to children, your spouse, and yourself to be a happier parent. Personally, I’ve had seasons where that’s just not feasible and seasons where it has been with a bit of moving things around. If you can leave kids to your spouse for an hour or an evening and then be happier the rest of the time, that’s well worth it.
Don’t feel bad about leaving your spouse to handle the kids–it’s good for kids and parent to have that time together.
OP says
i dont feel badly about leaving the kids with DH in terms of impact on DH, it’s more that they don’t get much one-on-one time with a parent
Boston Legal Eagle says
Second the one on one time, especially if it happens to be an activity that you enjoy too. I recently got back into skiing, and have been going on the weekends with my older one. It actually made me really look forward to Sundays.
It is often just a slog though, and at least one kid will be melting down, especially at night. Accepting that instead of expecting two “well behaved” kids might at least level set expectations.
AwayEmily says
I find that the transition from school to home is a critical period and my kids (5 and 7) do SO much better if I can kind of deliberately push them to a happier dynamic (sometimes it requires a tiny bit of planning ahead). For example, last night I was on my own so before heading to daycare pickup, I put two bowls of pretzels on the table. Then, on our way home, I said to the kids “hey, there are some snacks on the kitchen table waiting for you. Do you guys want to take them outside in the backyard and have a little picnic? Just don’t leave the bowls in the yard because if you do the deer will think they are toilets and poop in them!” When they got home, they grabbed their pretzels and went happily outside. Or on the way home I’ll tell them about how when I was a kid I once made a whole city out of Legos and I wonder if they could do that. Etc.
Rereading this, those examples sound super weird but I don’t know, it’s basically whatever you can do to set the mood to be happy/light in that transition time and also give them a specific Thing to do when they get home.
Anonymous says
I don’t really have any advice, but my twins are two and I could have written every word of this. Twins are hard. When I’m not sleep deprived, I try to remind myself that it would be really frustrating to have someone your exact age in your space constantly and have to share everything (including mom&dad) with that jerk.
I have an older kid and I didn’t feel the sheer exhaustion with him like I do my twins (whom I love deeply). I guess my advice would be to see if you can get a break. Also, try not to feel guilty for wanting to be away from them.
Anon says
Anyone have a moderately priced Bahamas hotel or resort to recommend for a trip with an elementary age kid? The Baha Mar resorts are out of our budget. We’re traveling first week of January so everything is very $$$$. A pool is a must. Open to all-inclusive or not, but if not I would want a decent number of restaurants in easy walking distance – I don’t want to mess with a car.
Ifiknew says
the Bahamas are so $$$ relative to what you get for your money, is there another carribean destination you’d consider?
Anon says
We’re definitely open to other places, but flights to the Bahamas (at least to Nassau) are hundreds of dollars per person cheaper than almost anywhere else. The only other destination that’s comparably cheap is Turks and Caicos and we’ve been recently. And that’s a very pricey island too. I guess flying somewhere else could be worth it if it pays off in hotel savings, but I imagine hotel costs are going to be pretty high this time of year pretty much anywhere we go. I found a very affordable hotel we were excited about on St. Martin, but flights are >$2k per person (vs $500 for Bahamas) and also terrible itineraries that involve overnight layovers both directions, so that’s hard to justify.
What islands do you think of as “cheap”? the only ones that really come to mind for me are DR and Jamaica and I’m not enthused about those, or the budget all-inclusives that are popular there.
Anon says
so many options in Mexico, unless you are concerned about traveling there
Anon says
Not concerned about traveling there, but not particularly excited about it just because we’ve been to the Riviera Maya a bunch and the west coast of Mexico is kind of tough with the bigger time change (we’re in the Midwest, but eastern time zone). But definitely something we’ll keep in mind if flight prices to the Caribbean don’t come down.
Anonymous says
I stayed the Fairmont South Hampton and loved it. The beach had buckets and shovels for the kids. Restaurant on the beach was lovely and there is a free trolley and boat into the Fairmont Hamilton property so you can easily go out to dinner there or anywhere walking distance from that hotel as well.
Anon says
That’s Bermuda :) It’s on my list for sure but it’s pretty chilly in January and we really want somewhere warm.
Anonymous says
Omg clearly I need a vacation too!
Anon says
Ha, don’t we all. I keep a running list of specific hotels/resorts I want to go to, so I added it to my spreadsheet lol.
Abby says
Not sure if this is in budget, but I went to Atlantis with DH in January for babymoon and we kept talking about how we’d love to go back with our future kids. There’s a shuttle that connects all of the different areas throughout Atlantis that we used every night for dinner, and we booked through Delta Vacations which included airport transfers. The room we stayed in could sleep 4. Downsides is that food was very expensive and the Bahamas airport was an absolute disaster when we left even with being Sky Priority & TSA precheck.
Anon says
Will check it out, thanks! I think pretty much all Caribbean airports other than San Juan are terrible. I’ve never had a positive airport experience there.
Anonymous says
Styling help: I’m scheduled to attend a black tie optional work dinner next month in the northeast. Where does one shop for this?? I’ve never attended a work event this fancy before. I would guess most men will be in suits, not tuxedos, so I don’t need to wear a ballgown or anything like that. I want to look festive but not overdo it. If you’ve had to do this kind of event before, lmk what you wore! I’m kind of vaguely thinking something with shimmer and a more modest design, but not sure where to go from there.
Anon says
When I went to a business function last year that was black tie optional (think industry dinner and awards presentation) and I was a speaker, I wore this: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/adrianna-papell-plus-size-bead-illusion-blouson-dress?ID=12921881&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&trackingid=424×1054956400&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Womens_PLA&m_ag=RTW-WomensClothing-Dresses-GS&m_cn=RTW-PLA-Womens_Clothing-Dresses-GS&m_pi=go_cmp-13563290362_adg-143092711879_ad-636722546583_aud-325772344535:pla-1939399703200_dev-c_ext-_prd-889448988244USA&gclid=Cj0KCQjw8e-gBhD0ARIsAJiDsaWiMB0GWD7jvHURXDOXQT-8ohKcSn8D5P2mIBgPD5kc0wonuqhkRs8aAqCjEALw_wcB
Had I not been a speaker (and in years past) I usually wear a dark suit dress and a tweed jacket, but I am the boring lawyer not the fun business team, who is generally more on the festive side of things. If you don’t need to wear a jacket, I would go for something modest with lace or shimmer in a formal, structured design in a jewel tone (or, since it’s the northeast, black).
OP says
love the beading on this!
Anon says
Thanks! Note that when I bought a dress by the same designer 8 years ago for my rehearsal dinner, that dress was dry clean only. Now almost all of her beaded dresses (and a lot of others on the market) are spot clean only and a dry cleaner won’t touch them (as I found out after I sweated through the dress and visited 3 dry cleaners with no luck). The good news is since it is polyester, I hand washed it in a basin with delicates soap and it appears to have emerged unscathed, but I am now looking for a lighter colored dress for a spring black tie wedding and am reading care instructions with an eagle eye.
Anon says
I attend a fair number of black tie events that are either directly for work or where I will socialize with clients/colleagues. Here’s my philosophy — men’s version of fancy (tux) is a more formal version of their business attire. So I try to mimic that and find something that is work silhoue**e but fancy. So a sheath dress that has a fancy detail (beaded/sequin or something) but if it was in suiting would be appropriate for work. I also have a floor length taffeta skirt that I will match with a fancy blouse (this is what I wear for clearly black tie events). (I don’t wear floor length skirts to work (!), but in my mind it’s a fancy version of a work skirt and work top). What I would definitely avoid are bright colors or anything “prom dress”/cut-outs/real housewives.
Anonymous says
Check out the Julia Jordan Halter Neck Jumpsuit at Nordstrom. It’s my go-to answer for ambiguous formal-ish dress codes. (WTF is black tie optional? just tell me whether or not it’s black tie)