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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
anonamama says
I forgot how exhausting being social can be. We had an amusement park trip and three different “casual bbqs” with friends/family this weekend.. all fun, but probably too much! The added stressor DH having a work crisis and intermittent meetings/calls the whole time. I can’t pack another bag, forage the fridge in a quest to bring an appetizer or worry about sunscreen application for at least another week.
Pogo says
Amen. I need a serious vacation from my vacation.
Patricia Gardiner says
100% agree. My DH refers to the weekend as his workweek. When did getting out of the house become so tiring??
anon says
YUP. We had such a fun weekend, but I am still wiped out. All of yesterday was spent doing laundry, getting groceries, and handling stuff that had fallen by the wayside.
Anonymous says
Our 24-month-old figured out how to climb out of his crib last night. It was our mistake, there was a daybed about 2 feet from his crib and he was able to vault himself onto it (even in his sleep sack!). We moved the crib further away from the bed and made sure it’s not close to any other furniture, but are our days in the crib numbered? We’ve been using his room as my WFH office, and I would have to move my computer set up out of his room if he starts sleeping in a real bed.
Anon says
I think once they can get themselves out of the crib you’re not supposed to keep them in it for safety reasons. But you can just convert the crib to a toddler bed by removing one wall or buy a new toddler bed/daybed. You don’t need to put him in a twin or full size bed now and I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to keep your home office setup. I know it’s kid dependent, but the crib to toddler bed transition was super easy and was the most over-hyped parenting ‘task’ so far for us. Potty training on the other hand…
Anonymous says
A computer in a room with a toddler who can get out of bed is a huge safety hazard, especially the monitor.
We had to move our daughter to a bed at 27 months because she was climbing out of the crib in her sleep sack. My personal opinion is that climbing is safer without the sleep sack than with it, even though it’s also easier. We babyproofed the entire room and put a gate at the door to contain her. To our knowledge, she never got out of bed. Part of it may have been that she was in a twin with real covers tucked in all along one side, so the covers made her feel contained. I would expect getting out of a toddler bed to be easier.
Anon says
I see your point about a huge monitor, although I think you could secure it to the wall the way you secure other furniture, but I don’t see what’s so risky about a laptop on a desk in a toddler’s room, and if you were really worried you could take the laptop out at night.
Anonymous says
Our toddler would decide take the batteries out of the mouse and keyboard and eat them, swallow the tiny USB antenna for the mouse and keyboard, play with the power cords, shred the papers, pull the laptop down on her head, dismantle and choke on the computer keyboard and the pens, etc. The only safe way I can think of to have an office in a toddler’s room would be to pack up every single office thing and take it all out of the room before letting the toddler in.
Anon says
Oh wow. I think baby proofing must depend so much on the kid. My toddler never disassembled anything and was done putting non-food items in her mouth well before 2. She might have sent a weird email if I left my laptop open or spilled a drink on it if we let her have her an open cup unattended but those are the worst things I can picture her doing. The only baby proofing we ever did was gating the top of the stairs and strapping the dresser and bookshelf on her room to the wall and it felt like more than enough. I know people who had to do a lot more though.
Pogo says
We monitored it for a week or two to see if it kept happening. It did. Ours was about 29months though I think. Ultimately my mom was going to be on kid duty while DH and I were both travelling and she did not want to be responsible if he fell climbing in or out, so that pushed us to move him to a toddler bed (converted the crib). I may have tried to eek out a few more weeks closely monitoring (literally, watching the monitor when we heard him first thing because that is when he’d start his shenanigans typically). But he got into the habit of climbing out to fetch his lovey and then couldn’t climb back in safely so it really was time.
How about just putting crib mattress on the floor a la montessori style? That should actually take up less room, not more. There’s no rush to get a big kid bed.
Anon says
In a similar vein – anyone with a very tall baby who had to move their child out of the crib super early? Based on her growth trajectory (even accounting for slowing over time), I’m guessing we might make it to 15 months tops before she maxes out the height on her crib.
Anon says
My 99th percentile height kid slept in a crib until just before 2.5 when she started asking us if she could have a toddler bed and we converted it into one. She never attempted to climb out (she did wear a sleepsack at that age). I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t even know cribs had height limits. My kid is very, very cautious though and it was pretty clear to us she was never going to attempt to climb out so it just wasn’t really a risk on our radar. Even now that she’s in a toddler bed and perfectly capable of getting in and out, she calls for us in the morning and waits until we come in the room before she gets out of bed.
Anon says
Ok I looked it up and our crib manual says the max height is 35″ – definitely never knew that, and our kid was close to 40″ when we converted it to a toddler bed. But like I said she never attempted climbing out (or climbing on anything, really) and I think you have to factor your kid’s personality into it. We mentioned to our ped that she was still in a crib at the 2 year appointment when she was 38″ and the ped didn’t seem concerned at all. We were more strict about height limits with the PNP because I worried she could accidentally tip that over if she leaned on the railing (because her center of gravity was so high) but the crib seemed a lot sturdier.
Anon4this says
My kid hit the height limit on her crib around 16 months. She’s over 2 and still in it. We just put the mattress on the floor inside the crib. (Just check there is no gap between the top of the mattress and the bottom of the crib). She is still in a sleep sack as well.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Do you have to worry about the height limit if your kid doesn’t attempt to climb out? My first kid was climbing out at around 2 so we had to move him to a toddler bed (and then he kept coming out of his room…) My younger one has never tried to climb out so we’re planning to keep him in there until around age 3 or so.
AwayEmily says
Huh, we never worried about the height limit. My kids never even considered climbing out, and we kept my older one in until she was 4, and my younger until he was 3 (we only switched him at that point because we got bunk beds).
fiiknew says
Did your daughter night potty train after moving out of the crib? We had to remove the railing so she could pee independently if needed. Is that necessary? Asking as we’re deciding what to do for our son
Anon. says
My son potty trained, including nights, while still in a crib. He very, very, very rarely leaves his bed to pee in the middle of the night and if he does it’s not independent even now a year later and in a regular twin bed. I’d try it out and adjust if your nighttime potty breaks warrant.
AwayEmily says
We made the decision to ignore any formal night training and just wait until they stayed dry on their own all night, so both my kids potty-trained at 2.5 but kept wearing pull-ups at night.
My daughter started waking up dry just before she turned 5. After a week we took off the pull-ups, and six months later she’s never had a nighttime accident (or used the bathroom at night). My son (now 3.5) is still in pull-ups, and definitely still needs them. YMMV, I’m sure some kids object to wearing pull-ups at night after potty training, but mine never seemed to care and it made our lives a lot easier.
crib jumper says
my kid is tall and very active/physical and she vaulted out of there multiple times at age 19 months.
her bed converts to a toddler bed so we did that. she seems to have plenty of room to stretch out, is now 3.5 and still tall for age.
Anonymous says
My older child has always measured high 90s/off the chart for height and we kept her in her crib until we were ready to transition to a twin bed and pass down the crib, which was when she was a little over 3. Never knew about a height limit, we had an Ikea full size crib. She was too tall for the Guava Lotus travel crib a little over 2.
Anon says
My kids were short – 20th percentile – and both climbed out of their cribs before they turned 18 months. Our ped said once they climb out twice, it’s time for a proper bed from a safety perspective, so we switched to a mattress on the floor in a very baby-proofed room with a gate on the door. Upside of being so young is that it took them a while to figure out the latch on the gate.
Anonymous says
DH added a border of thin plywood screwed around the bottom of the crib (from the inside) and we dropped the mattresses to the floor (thin rug to protect floor, mattress frame part detached from crib, mattress). They got their big kid beds at age 4 (took side off crib at age 3.5, they have to stay in own bed consistently to earn big kid bed for 4th birthday).
Anon says
It seems like you need to baby proof/move the electronics out now even if you keep it as a crib because he can climb out. TBH we kept a padded rocking chair next to our crib and our 2 yr old son climbed in and out for months before we got around to ordering a toddler bed. But yes, you probably need to switch soon
anonymommy says
Per the NYT, most experts recommend making the switch at age 3. I found this helpful.
https://www.nytimes.com/article/crib-to-bed.html
Pogo says
I can’t recall on here what the consensus is for affordable/basic convertible car seats after kiddo outgrows the Cosco Scenera Next. I need to buy something for the nanny to keep in her car.
It looks like Cosco has the APT 50 for the next size up and only $60. I think we still have at least another year before he’s 50lbs. Other thoughts? He’s actually not even 40lbs yet, so could still do the Next honestly. Would be ideal to have something that would be good for air travel (someday!!!) as well as for nanny’s car, so that’s why I’m thinking longer term.
The ‘baby’ will have to be in the Next soon anyway as he’s pushing 30 inches.
Anon says
We bought the Cosco Finale on a rec from here. Post(? hopefully)-pandemic, we no longer use a seat on airplanes (my large 3.5 year old just wants to use the airplane seatbelt), but she is very happy with it in the car and it’s easy to get through the airport and gatecheck. I think it depends on torso length, but my kid outgrew the Next way before she hit 40 lbs and she’s chunky, so I imagine most kids would outgrow that seat by height first.
Pogo says
Oh good call. The Finale looks solid. I’m wondering if height is why I already switched him out of the Next in my parent’s car… it is fuzzy, I just remember that I didn’t want him in the Next anymore so I bought them a Safety First convertible that was a bit pricier but easier to use as they complained about the Next (it is tricky to tighten the straps appropriately, it has literally zero user friendly features and that’s why it’s cheap).
Anon says
The Finale is as user-unfriendly for install as the Next, unfortunately. Because, yeah, as you said it’s cheap.
Pogo says
Totally – that’s what I’d expect. My concerns w/ user friendliness were with my parents, who already act like trying to use a car seat is advanced particle physics. The nanny is experienced with kids and not in her 70s and I’m paying her, so I expect her to learn how to use it correctly even if it is not the fanciest one on the planet. You can 100% get a solid install and good fit with the Next, it just takes some effort.
TheElms says
If you want to be able to RF in it, I’d get the Graco Contender. Its 13 lbs I think, maybe 15lbs. It has high height limits both RF and FFing and would last most kids to booster readiness. It is $100 though. If you only need FF then a Cosco Finale ($50 ish but typically doesn’t work well as a booster) is a good bet or a Graco Transitions ($100 – but also converts to booster modes and could be the last car seat you buy).
Anonymous says
Any thoughts on the Cosco Mighty Fit 65?
Mommasgottasleep says
This morning I realized we could use high chairs for the twins (they’re 5 months so just now holding their heads up). DH wants to get the ones that attach to the table. I’d rather just bite the bullet and get Stokke Trip Traps. Thoughts? They’re our last kids. We have an old gross high chair so maybe just use that and get one table attachment chair? I think I’d rather have something quality that will last a few years rather than cheaping out.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I love our Stokkes. We didn’t get them until the younger one was out of the baby phase, but I think it’s worth it to get it for the baby stage on as they’re great chairs and your kids will grow into them.
Anon says
We have the Stokke Trip Trapp for our 9 month old and love it. Will absolutely buy a second one for the next baby.
AwayEmily says
Another +1 for the Stokke. We have them for my now 5 and 3 yos, and they are fantastic. I also really like that an adult can sit in them in a pinch.
Anon says
Cannot recommend the Tripp Trapp highly enough. 100% worth it, and, if the price tag is an issue there are always people looking to buy used ones on my local listserv (though honestly I expect we’ll use ours for many years to come)
Jeffiner says
We had the one that attached to the table, and I really liked it. Kept baby at the table with us, and no extra furniture to trip over or find a place for. Make sure your table is compatible with them, though.
Cb says
We got a hand-me-down Stokke and it is absolutely worth it. We’re still using it at 4, and I suspect for many more years. In a pinch, an adult can sit on it and it’s one less piece of plastic to exist in the universe.
Anonymous says
FWIW, I wish I’d gotten the Stokke. Pandemic baby, so I couldn’t check out much for my registry in-person. My only hesitation was the amount of space it would take up in our small kitchen and dining room, so I ended up with a foldable plastic one that is a PITA to clean. The ease of cleaning the Stokke would’ve more than made up for the amount of floor space it takes up.
anon says
We got a hand me down TT and love it. Baby is 6 months and just now getting the hang of sitting in it. At 5 months he was still floppy even though he had great head control during TT (wasn’t yet prop sitting/sitting unassisted). The baby seat and tray are sold separately so be ready to pay around $120 extra for those attachments. The white tray stains with colored foods, but baking soda paste will get rid of it. Some people complain about the grooves on the bottom of the tray and food getting stuck, but I haven’t had those problems yet despite very messy BLW meals.
Mrs. Jones says
Our son is 10 and still sits in the Trip Trapp.
CCLA says
Get the stokke! We have the stokke steps which is similar to the TT, and our kids (almost 3 and 5) still use them comfortably, and I expect them to be in them for a while yet.
Fallen says
I had a cheap high chair and upgraded to stoke a year in. SO worth it. Our son is 3 and I am so glad I have it because it is so easy to clean.
Anonymous says
teh hanging ones didn’t work for our table – but SO useful if you have an isalnd. if i could do it again i would buy a TrippTrap for sure.
Clementine says
This site convinced me to upgrade my ‘fine’ high chair to a Tripp Trapp after many kids.
I love it and wish I had just bit the bullet when my oldest was this age. It’s fantastic.
Thanks ABA says
Apologies in advance if this has already been discussed- but what on earth is with the ABA Journal article “Are women lawyers paying emotion attention to upward mobility?” Is it intended to be click bait? Does the ABA not vet their articles at all?!
It includes lines like “There is nothing that can derail a career faster than the responsibilities on motherhood … it is a game changer that can cause very busy women lawyers to lose focus.” Not to mention “Although many lawyer moms may have spouses … little children typically look to Mommy for on-time meals, rides to school before the morning bell rings…”. Basically it’s a giant dumpster fire of an article.
I’m so offended and demoralized and just flipping tired. Not sleep-deprivation tired but emotionally exhausted from this kind of BS. I could ignore the article more easily if I didn’t feel like it represents what so many lawyers actually believe.
Anon says
Editor’s note when I looked at it online today: “This column reflects the opinions of the author, and not the views of the ABA Journal – or the American Bar Association. The ABA is deeply committed to securing the full and equal participation of women in the ABA, the profession and the justice system. The ABA Journal is committed to covering all issues of importance to women in the law, and we acknowledge the many concerns expressed to us by those offended by this piece.”
Anonanonanon says
Who knew all you had to do was pay attention to mobility and it would happen!
OP says
Right? And my husband drives the kids to school, thank you very much. (I see more dads than moms at daycare dropoff too.)
Anon says
Then your husband and your daycare are statistical anomalies. Congrats on having a great husband, I have one too, but the author is absolutely not wrong that the vast majority of American men don’t pull their weight at home. To me that’s actually the least objectionable part of the article – the sooner we start recognizing that the burden of house and childcare falls disproportional on women and fighting back against it, the sooner we can change the patriarchal structure that holds women back.
Anon says
She doesn’t say that though. She says it’s a factor holding working mothers back, but she doesn’t deny the existence of other factors. This seems like the kind of advice that would actually be useful to some people. I no longer practice law but I was definitely one of those “put my head down and bill my hours” people and I think I would have had more long-term success if I’d focus more on soft skills like team development like the article suggests.
Anonymous says
I cannot believe this was published. I kept checking the date to make sure it wasn’t April 1.
CCLA says
Right? Appalling, I can’t believe it got published (unfortunately zero problem believing people hold the author’s opinion though). And the editor’s note doesn’t really mitigate it. Just gross and demoralizing.
Anon says
From what I can find of her bio, she retired in 2006 after 25+ years in practice, meaning she’s at least 65. Some people are really good at moving beyond their outdated beliefs; some are not. She’s in the latter category and likely not reflective of the beliefs of younger attorneys.
Anonymous says
I have a lot of thoughts. I agree with the reactions but I think it is important to realize that there are people out there that believe what the author wrote. Some law firms have have evolved but I have seen female partners that expect more of female associates than male associates. Firms that the majority of equity partners have a stay at home spouse (regardless of gender). Some information about a firm’s culture is hard to learn in advance but it is important to look for clues rather than assuming that bc it is 2021 that all firms have evolved with the times.
Anonymous says
This response was pretty funny: https://www.texasbartoday.com/2021/07/are-lawyer-dads-paying-enough-attention-to-upward-mobility/
Realist says
I posted my anger at this article on late Friday afternoon and I am all for trashing it again today. It never should have been published.
OP says
Oh! I’m going to have to go back and look!
anonymommy says
I stalked the author’s other articles, none of which have this same horrible tone. And she’s a mother. Such an unhelpful article.
Anon says
Is any of that wrong though? Motherhood does cause you to split your focus, just by definition you have much more responsibility outside the office. And a lot of men don’t pull their weight at home at all. I don’t think she’s saying it’s a good thing for society that so many children rely on mom so much more than dad, just that it’s a fact. And I think (based on comments here and what I’ve seen from working women in my own life) it’s a very true fact.
I consider myself a feminist and there are certainly external factors in the workplace and especially in law firms that hold women and moms and POC back, but I also think the things she says in this article are not really wrong and she’s not arguing against the existence of those external factors. I dunno, I expected to be way more outraged by this article than I was based on the comments, but I can’t really point to any sentence that is that objectionable. I think this sentence is very true too: “They typically are perfectionists, and they end up sacrificing good performance on the altar of perfection.” I know soooo many women that this describes.
Anonymous says
The pressures on moms that she describes are real, but her accusation that all moms are bad managers is inaccurate and her implied solutions (women should not have kids or should prioritize career above parenting) are terrible. The solutions should be forcing men to take on an equal role in running the household, dismantling the face time/golfing/happy hour culture that is left over from the 1960s, universal high-quality child care, etc.
IHeartBacon says
I too was expecting to be more outraged when I read the article. I get why a lot of readers found it offensive, but I also agree that a lot of what was said about the responsibilities of motherhood are true. This line struck a chord with me: “… little children typically look to Mommy for on-time meals, rides to school before the morning bell rings, checking homework, and general comfort and care.” Yes, my husband and child can both be trained to not expect me to be the default parent, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that until they are both trained, I am the default parent.
My beef with the article is that I don’t really see the point of bringing up “lawyer moms” in the context of talking about demonstrating leadership skills as a path to partnership. That’s true for all younger associate looking to make partner. It’s like she wanted to accomplish two things in the same article: (1) confirm that lawyer moms should be mommy-tracked and (2) talk about the importance of demonstrating leadership skills. I don’t know what one thing has to do with the other. (As I type this out, I’m becoming a little more outraged…)
Anon says
That’s fair. I agree with your point that this could have been (good!) advice aimed at all young associates, not just moms. But I was expecting something wildly anti-feminist like “women are biologically better-suited to child-rearing than men” and there’s nothing like that.
Anonymous says
I really thought it was weird that she said mom lawyers aren’t good at mentoring and supporting the firm because they’re too focused on home life — in my experience they do all that and more, plus make the coffee (JK but you know what I’m saying).
Anon says
Anyone have any recs for a good pool bag? Am thinking about getting one of those totes with the wire box frame around the sides, but the ones I’m finding online are SO expensive. FWIW, would need to have towels for two adults and two kids under 6, and we often take dinner to grill at the pool so I usually bring my small basket of paper plates/utensils/napkins/cups. Thanks!
Spirograph says
My cheap-y way to do it is that I have a drawstring mesh bag where goggles, diving toys, and sunscreen live. That’s easy to hang up when we get home so everything can dry thoroughly. I shove towels in a reusable shopping bag and just have two bags, or make the kids help carry individual towels. We have a picnic basket and/or soft-side coolers if bringing food.
AwayEmily says
You probably already do this but my pool life improved a lot when I started taking super-cheap Target beach or bath towels that fold up very small, instead of the giant plush fancy beach towels we used to use. Those are great for relaxing on the sand but unnecessarily bulky for pools.
Also, I saw a mesh bag at Target the other day for $10.
Anonymous says
IKEA blue bags are my favorite for this.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yes! And the tip I learned here is to keep a bag packed by the door. That way, when you all get home, you just change, grab the bag, and go.
anon says
I don’t know that I’d try to put grilling stuff with my beach towels, but YMMV. I am a fan of the Bean boat and tote for carrying towels and other pool things. It’s a little heavy, but man, it holds a ton of stuff.
anonamama says
My MIL has a knockoff Bogg Bag made by Simply Southern that she likes. I also tried one of the sand sifting canvas bags for a beach trip and liked it. Scout Bags work well, too. I also adopted the large clear pouch method from things I bought and liked on Instagram and that’s helped more than any bag: one for sunscreen, one for swim accessories, one for toys, etc. The space sucker is those big ass towels that look cute but never dry completely – which is why I think people prefer the bogg bags.
anonymommy says
I have a tote from 31 that I really like! It’s big but not heavy and I can throw a bunch of stuff in there. In retrospect, one with pockets would have been worth the extra $$.
Curly Girl says
Has anyone tried the Curly Girl method? Does it work?
Anonymous says
Tried it and some parts work and some parts don’t work for me. Working includes air drying as much as possible and sleeping with a silk pillowcase and drying with a microfibre towel. And washing 2-3 times a week vs everyday. CGM approved products did not work as well but remember that if you use products with silicone you will need shampoo with sulphates to wash it out.
I like Curls Rock by tigi but constantly in search of something similar with less hold as Curls Rock seems to make my hair curlier.
Environment matters too – my hair is way better when I visit my in-laws as they live in a much less humid area.
Anonymous says
FYI I also used to use Curls Rock but now like Morrocan Oil’s Curl Defining Cream – a little less hold but enough for me, also not as sticky on my hands which I appreciate…
Anonymous says
TY!
Anonymous says
It depends on your hair. IME it is a greasy disaster for hair that is merely wavy. It might work on very, very curly hair that tends to be very, very dry..
anon says
There are modified versions for finer wavy hair that involve low poo shampoos and lighter conditioners. I started trying modified CGM at the beginning of the pandemic and my hair has gotten much, much healthier. It’s still fine and low density, with a tendency to go limp, but at least its shiny and healthy. It does take a while for your hair to recover, especially if you’ve lots of heat or bleach, so be ready for worse hair before it gets better.
I’m still working on finding the right haircut to maximize my natural curl/wave, but I’m happier with my hair now that I am no longer relying on heat and silicones to mask damage.
OP says
Very thick, wavy hair, fwiw.
Anon says
Try to find someone on IG with similar hair and good results. Try doing what they do. No need to reinvent the wheel.
Anon says
Swavy Curly Courtney may be a good follow.
CPA Lady says
I don’t do full on CG, because it’s intense, or it at least feels intense based on the facebook group I joined and almost immediately quit. Like anything, people can get really cultish and not-fun about it. But over time I have used some of the methods to figured out what helps my hair be less of a disaster. I have mostly 2c curls with the occasional 3a thrown in for good measure. Here’s what I do:
1. use sulfate free shampoo (I just cannot do the no-poo transition even though I know it would probably be for the best). I typically shower/wash hair every 2-2.5 days. It doesn’t look dirty until the end of the third day, but it feels gross on my head.
2. let conditioner sit on my hair in the shower for a few minutes. And use a generous amount. None of this “pea sized” nonsense. More like a pea sized amount per strand.
3. Before I get out of the shower, I comb/scrunch Bounce Curl brand light hold creme gel through my wet hair with my fingers. This is a non-crunchy lightweight gel. Heavier moisturizers and higher hold gels are better for extremely curly hair, but mine is medium curly.
4. Aquis microfiber hair towel
5. Let my hair dry naturally. No combs. No brushes. The less touching of your hair the better.
I am also considering getting a silk pillowcase, but haven’t taken the plunge yet.
I get my hair cut dry by a woman with curly hair who has special curly hair cutting training. She did the deva curl method for a while and now has switched to some other curly method.
anonamommy says
Following on the carseat/booster discussion….
I need to transition my daughter to a booster because she’s outgrowing her current seat. She’s 5 years old, 49″ tall and 45 lbs. I’d love to find a highback booster that converts to a seat booster later, but I’m overwhelmed by the choices. We also need something with two cupholders, otherwise the Cosco one above would work. Suggestions, please?
Anon says
I have one of those Britax harness-to-booster Clicktight seats, I really like it? Not sure that’s what youre looking for.
Anonymous says
We had a Graco Nautilus 80 Elite, which I think may be discontinued, but if you live in Brooklyn I would be delighted to give you ours for free as we are done with it. Good luck!
Mary Moo Cow says
We have the Graco TurboBooster and love it. I went with whatever my sister had, since she put the time and effort into researching it. It only has one cupholder, but it does have a cool swing-out compartment that works as a cupholder in a pinch. My daughter was about your daughter’s height and weight and just shy of 6 when we switched, btw. Oh, and check the Graco website; that was where I found the best price (beat the big box stores because there was a promo.)
Anon says
If you want to keep her harnessed for a while longer, the Chicco MyFit has high limits (possibly the highest on the market?) and converts to a booster. It’s very comfortable, says my almost 6-year-old. It doesn’t convert to a backless booster, but those seem to be fairly cheap to buy on their own, and if there are any younger siblings they could move into the MyFit at that point.
Anonymous says
Graco Tranzitions
Anonymous says
I’m probably going to be flying with my daughter later this summer. She is 5.5 (will be 2 months shy of 6 when we fly) and about 39 pounds. The recommendations for carseats on airplanes are to use one for 40 pounds or less. The CARES harness goes up to 44 pounds. I’m taking her carseat in any event. But we’ve reached the point where I can just gate check it and not feel guilty, right? Is the CARES harness worth it?
AwayEmily says
I would definitely check the carseat and just put her in the seat without a harness.
anonamommy says
If you can trust her to behave for takeoff and landing and keep her seatbelt on otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about it. My kid is very compliant and we never bothered with the harness. Starting around age 3 she was flying just with a lap belt.
Spirograph says
I don’t think the CARES harness is worth it. We had one and tried to use it once with a ~4 year old, and did not find it worth the bother (let alone the price). The chances of encountering a situation where you’d have any different safety outcome from a CARES harness are vanishingly small, and it doesn’t restrain a wiggly kid, because they just turn into a limp noodle and slip out under the lap belt. A nearly-6 year old will be able to sit in the seat with a normal lap belt and will probably be much happier to have more mobility and be treated like a big kid; I couldn’t imagine trying to make my almost-5 year old sit in a car seat in a plane, even if he were still below 40 lbs.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t use the harness. Technically it goes up to 44 lbs but I feel like it’s more for the 2-4 age set if parents don’t want to bring carseats. Not for kids that are almost 6.
SC says
Yes, I think you’re at the point where you can gate-check the carseat. My son recently turned 6 and is around 40 lbs, and DH just took him on a plane trip where they gate checked the car seat.
anon says
Definitely do not need a car seat or cares harness at almost 6 years old..
GCA says
Yes, check the carseat, but you probably don’t need the harness at this age. We’ve used just the lap belt since my older kid was 4 years old and 35+ish pounds. During takeoff and landing they are so wowed by the experience, especially if they have a window seat, that we’ve not had a problem with misbehavior!
Anon says
Very frequent flyer here. Around 38 pounds, we no longer lug a carseat through the airport. The MiFold is perfect for cars/ cabs at the location, and the airplane belt is fine for the flight. If we’re doing a longer drive when we land, I’ve also ordered car seats online and shipped them to the hotel, or mapped out a Walmart stop between the car rental and our hotel. Then I either donate to a women’s shelter the morning we leave, or find a family checking in that may want it.
CCLA says
Another very portable option for kids a little younger: Immi Go, looks slightly larger than the mifold but rated for lower ages. We bought one for my older DD when she was 3 shortly before the pandemic began, and have only used it for the one trip (crazy that she’s now almost 5!), but it was great and I will buy another for younger DD whenever we start flying again. We are extended RF at home but decided at 3 we were OK with FF when flying to destination. It fit under the seat in front of her. Not for use on the plane…we tried the CARES harness but found it not super useful, and she was good at sitting still so we just used the airplane seatbelt last time.
Anon says
Definitely just put her in the seat without the harness.
OP says
Thanks, all! I really appreciate the input. Kiddo is on the lighter end of the weight scale for her age, so sometimes I struggle with what is advised and what is age appropriate. So glad to hear that no one thinks this is wrong.
I’ll just take her normal, heavy Britax. It is all we’ve traveled with so far, but we figure that since there is only one of her, we can make it work. We’re typically only once/year fliers anyway. We have the Britax dolly/cart for it, and I actually really like it. We typically throw all the backpacks on it, and just pull it all through the airport. And it has doubled as a stroller. If I had more than one kiddo or we flew often, I’d definitely get a lighter car seat.
Anon says
I’m going to be that person and say it’s not recommended to gate check car seats. They can get pretty banged up and the damage is not always visible. Either get something easy to transport like a small booster, have a seat at the other end (if you are visiting someone), or put her seat on the plane. At the least why a cheap seat to gate check so your main one doesn’t get wrecked
Anon says
Gate checked things are actually handled pretty gently, at least compared to regular checking! I get that it’s not risk free but I think it’s an acceptable level of risk for most people.
Pogo says
I would tend to agree… with gate checked I can pretty much see the item leave my hand and go onto the plane. Not so with regular checked.
Anon says
Unpopular opinion maybe, but planes are so much safer than cars that as soon as my kid was old enough to sit up on her own and not mess with the lap belt, we just used that. It happened for us at 3, maybe would have been a bit earlier if the pandemic hadn’t paused flying for a year and a half. Because of the pandemic she was actually 40+ lbs the first time we flew without it, but truthfully the weight limit wasn’t our guide, it was her behavior. I think it can be risky/annoying with a 1-2 year old if they want to constantly unbuckle themselves and try to get out, but once your kid is past that stage, just using the lab belt is fine IMO. The odds of any kind of crash are so infinitesimally small on a plane, and car seats aren’t that relevant to surviving a crash even if one were to occur. It’s very different than a car.
My last plane trip with my 3.5 year old we didn’t need a stroller at our destination, so we just checked a big suitcase and her carseat at the check-in counter and walked through the airport and onto the airplane with just one backpack for each of us. It was incredibly freeing and made me sooo excited for more travel with an older, independent kid.
312 says
How do you cope with not being included in the mom social groups? Parenting an elementary school kid has apparently brought up unresolved high school/middle insecurities I forgot I had. With school/camp/club drop offs, the moms are all friendly – but then one of my neighbors and I have grown to talk more over the last year. She has a bad habit of mentioning they were at so & so’s the other night with a group on our street, etc. I think she does it as a naner-naner you weren’t included – and it does hurt my feelings, because I thought we were all friends. I’m torn between cutting my losses and keeping it casual or trying to make more of an effort to host things with the groups. But, we have a toddler so life feels impossible. Anyway, looking for commiseration I guess.
Mary Moo Cow says
I get that. It hurts to be left out, no matter how old you are. Next time she mentions that, I would say something like, “That sounds fun! We’d love to join next time!” And also make an effort to host a group from time to time, or organize the playground meet-up. Are you new in the neighborhood? I’ve found it always takes longer than I would hope to break into the group, but hosting or showing up with a really great treat and being extra extroverted has helped me. If your efforts aren’t appreciated, though, after a while, feel free to let go. FWIW, I found the kindergarten families more friendly.
AnonyMommy says
Does she know that you’d want to be included?
Waffles says
I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now. I know how weird and painful it can feel.
This is just what works for me: I tend to host about once a week, and look at it as a social skills activity I’m doing for my kid from which we can all learn. I try to make sure everyone has fun. This involves giving more than I receive, but I’m okay with it, because I’m giving more people an opportunity to become our friends.
Both my kid and I probably became real friends with about 20% of the people who come over — those people invite us out regularly, and we can count on each other if we are ever in a jam. Other people come to hang out, or out of curiosity, and not everyone gets invited back.
Either way, I know we have people on our family’s side in the community, whether it’s because they are our friends, or because they have enjoyed our hospitality. I am aware that we are not all best friends, and I try to be nice to everyone and not say a bad word about anyone.
Overall, it is worth it for us because of the 20% of people who are our real friends, and as long as it keeps working, I’ll keep doing it.
Anon says
Um, if she’s doing it as a naner naner you weren’t included, then why do you want to be friends with a B?
Anon says
What makes you think they’re deliberately excluding you? It doesn’t really sound like that to me. I have social anxiety and have a tendency to assume I’m not wanted at social events, but the truth is I think the vast majority of exclusions are simply an oversight and I’ve found that I have a better time making connections with people when I’m more proactive about reaching out to others and either initiating gatherings or even asking to be included in other people’s gatherings. Obviously you have to read the room and not keep inviting yourself to gatherings with people who clearly don’t want you there, but I think those situations are rare. Actually just today I found out a co-worker I really like is leaving and having a goodbye happy hour she hadn’t told me about. I asked her if I could join to say goodbye in person and she was THRILLED and said she didn’t cc me on the invite because we didn’t work together closely and she figured I didn’t care. Unless you are a truly heinous person, people are generally always flattered you want to hang out with them, even if they don’t think you’re the coolest or funniest or most interesting person on earth. People like being liked! This kind of reaching out is a real struggle for me, and something I’ve committed to working very hard on post-pandemic because it doesn’t come naturally to me but the results are (almost) always good.
Anon TTC says
Cross-Posted from the Main Site:
I’ve got an appointment with an RE next week, and I’m feeling a little lost. Backstory – late 30s, trying for a 8 months, 3 chemical pregnancies. Anything you wish you had asked in your first fertility appointment? From talking to friends, it sounds like we may be pushed to pursue IVF right off the bat. I’m not opposed to IVF, but it is really scary to me
AnonIVF says
I’m having a busy day so apologies in advance if you’ve already read this – I copy/pasted from a prior post I made on this page.
I did IVF – we skipped straight to IVF with ICSI because we were not candidates for IUI (reason for IVF was physical blockage). We did 5 retrieval cycles (with PGS testing) and, after completing retrievals, have now done 2 unmedicated transfer cycles (the second of which resulted in our daughter). We hope to have at least 1, possible 2, more children, and statistically speaking we should have enough PGS-tested embryos banked to be able to complete our family.
Things you should know about IVF (some of which you may know already):
– It’s expensive. Ours was roughly 40K out of pocket and insurance covered probably another 45K. This is for 5 rounds of retrievals and 2 transfer cycles. And this is definitely on the low end because 1) I respond to meds very well/quickly so only stimmed 6-7 days per retrieval cycle, and 2) we did unmedicated transfers.
– SO MUCH is out of your control.
– You can have a retrieval cycle where you have all PGS-abnormal embryos. Two of our five cycles were like that.
– You may have a lot of side effects from the medications, or you may have none/almost none. I was lucky and fell into the latter camp but you have no idea which card you’re dealt.
– It doesn’t work for everyone. Not everyone gets a baby at the end of all of the time, money, physical and emotional effort.
– We were fortunate to have had our successful transfer in January 2020, but most fertility clinics shut down in March 2020 and opened to some capacity mid-to-late summer, with spaced out appointments and reduced accessibility. So things might take longer now than they did pre-Covid just b/c of capacity issues. No idea.
Anon Lawyer says
I’ll just offer the emphasis that $40k for five cycles is definitely on the low end and one thing you should know is that your insurance might not cover anything at all. A lot of insurance just doesn’t cover fertility treatment full stop (unless you’re in a state that requires it like Massachusetts). I paid – all in – about $30k for ONE round of IVF, including medication. That was not at the cheapest clinic and I was successful, so no complaints, but it can be financially ruinous.
Conversely, even a monitored, medicated IUI may only cost you around $1,000 per cycle. It honestly can be worth doing a couple of those for that reason alone to see how you react if you don’t have insurance coverage. Weirdly, some women seem to react very well to IUI in terms of getting pregnant even if there’s no “medical” reason why it should be different than the natural method.
AnonIVF says
It was more like $85K for five retrieval rounds (b/c of out of pocket plus insurance), but still agree that it is on the low end due to my quick responses to meds and not needing medicated transfers.
Anon Lawyer says
Oh, yeah, I saw that but wanted to note that probably the majority of health insurance plans don’t cover any fertility treatment at all, because I don’t think that’s intuitive if you haven’t been through this.
AnonIVF says
Totally fair point. And we were in Massachusetts so we were lucky to have coverage.
Anon Lawyer says
It’s a travesty they don’t require coverage in all states! But I’m impressed your insurance covered banking – a lot of plans I’ve seen require you transfer all embryos before they’ll pay for another round.
AnonIVF says
They didn’t cover banking, which is why $45K was covered by insurance and $40K was not. They covered three of the five retrievals, and they didn’t cover the transfers because they only cover transfers if the embryos were created during an insurance-approved cycle. We paid two of the retrievals (plus the PGS testing for all five retrievals) out of pocket.
Anonymous says
No question to mundane/seemingly obvious/etc. Whenever I told my RE I had a question, his response was “good,” and he took the time to give me an evidence-based explanation for why he was recommending one thing or another. If you’re in a place where you have options, really get comfortable with your RE (and you can look up the clinic’s IVF success rates in a database, forget what it’s called by I’m sure g**gle can help).
If you have insurance coverage, you may be required to do IUIs first. IVF is expensive, so unless your RE really thinks there’s no time to waste, I would do the IUIs if you’re in that situation. IVF is a lot of time, money, logistics, and yes, injections — but once you’re in it, if this ends up being part of your journey, the day-to-day will feel manageable. It just becomes part of your routine.
I also suggest looking for a therapist that specializes in fertility stuff to help you think through things (and you want someone who has some understanding so you’re not having to explain the differences between IVF and IUI to your therapist…ugh). I also found acupuncture a great addition to my care. There are providers that specialize in fertility, and you could even start working with someone before starting any treatments if you wanted — my acupuncturist did natural cycles as well as treatments to complement IUI and IVF.
AnonIVF says
+1 to acupuncture. If you’re in Boston, I have a recommendation.
I also enjoyed yoga classes geared towards women who were on the path to conceive. I took them in person, but the instructor actually recently moved her offering online-only. You can find them at fertile dot body dot yoga dot com. I’m not affiliated with her at all – just had a great experience so happy to share the word.
Aunt Jamesina says
You can search for clinic success rates here https://www.sartcorsonline.com/members/Search
Find your clinic and click on it, then click “more”, then the blue “success rates” button on the right.
Anon says
Also agree about accupuncture. I was so pleasantly surprised by it. I could truly feel a difference after getting it.
Anon says
Natalie Crawford, MD has some really nice info on her Instagram/YouTube/podcast that I’ve found to be helpful (but also sometimes rabbit hole-y). I think the thing I liked most from her is her focus on “what are your family goals?” Her argument is that if you want 2+ genetic children jumping to IVF/embryo banking makes the most sense (instead of solely focusing on baby #1)
AnonIVF says
+1 to thinking about your family goals. Our RE was surprised that we continued with retrievals instead of just trying a transfer (and also that looks better for the clinic’s stats, honestly) but we knew we wanted 2-3 children and I was already 39 so we needed to play the long game.
Anon in Boston says
I’d encourage you to be a relentless advocate for yourself. I’m at a big clinic in a big hospital. The singular good thing is that my doctor is a rockstar and I trust her to my core. The nurses, admins and overall process/communication is abysmal and I wish I had learned sooner how to self-advocate better.
For example, the person on the phone tells you the next available appointment is in 6 weeks? Call back daily until you get a cancellation. My August 15 appointment was held today because I called in this morning looking for a cancellation, and because of that my next cycle starts tomorrow, not August 16. Another example: the call nurse tells you that symptom you’re experiencing isn’t a concern? Push the nurse to talk to your doctor directly and don’t let up until they do. I think my overall experience is better now that I am kind, but assertive and unapologetically persistent until I get answers I’m looking for. Also, take copious amounts of notes in your meetings. I’ve had the doctor agree to a protocol on a call, and then the follow up with the nurse includes a totally different protocol. I’ve earned what it means to advocate for oneself.
The rest of it? Live it day to day. IVF is a big catchall for lots of different processes. Even someone with your exact diagnosis could have a very different set of protocol. Good luck to you. There are a number of us here who have been through it / are in the thick of it now, and are willing to be a resource.
AnonIVF says
MGH? Me too :)
Anon in Boston says
YUP. Who is your doctor? I see Souter. I went for a second opinion at Boston IVF recently and even the doctor there was like “she’s brilliant” and assured me I was getting great care, process/communication notwithstanding.
AnonIVF says
Morris (formerly Sabatini), but I saw Souter a few times for morning monitoring appointments and she actually did my successful transfer so I’ll always have a soft spot for her :)
Totally agree that the doctors are brilliant, the nurses are hit or miss (either AMAZING or WTF) and the front desk staff needs to stop sitting and gossiping all day every day and work on cultivating a calm, serene waiting room vibe :)
Pogo says
+1 to all of this. I’ve also posted about my experience before, will try to see if I can find it. But bottom line, get a good diagnosis and go from there. I have PCOS, we did some medically monitored cycles, and we knew I wasn’t ovulating. My RE knew IUI would be a waste. So, we skipped straight to IVF. We also switched to letrozole vs clomid and I responded better. I also used a lupron trigger, which was the only thing totally not covered by insurance and we had to drive to a pharmacy in Maine to pay $500 out of pocket for one syringe, which was a very bizarre experience. It’s almost more of an art than a science – there are a lot of parameters to tweak with the protocols and I was glad my RE figured out what I needed.
If you have male factor, IUI might make more sense. If you have a physical blockage, IUI makes zero sense. Start at the diagnosis.
Agree to being relentless with insurance, nurses, scheduling, all of it. Be prepared for people to say hurtful things, or at least casually insensitive things, that you’d never say to a ‘regular’ couple trying to get preggo the old fashioned way. Be prepared for it to to be very lonely. I second the recommendations for counseling, acupuncture, everything. Good luck!
anon says
Question 1: I need recommendations for a good detangler. My 6-year-old’s hair is currently a few inches below the shoulders and the poor kid wakes up with a rat’s nest every morning. I’ve tried braiding, but the braids either fall out or she takes them out. Would a spray-on conditioner work better than a detangler? Over the years, I’ve rotated between Suave Kids and Paul Mitchell Kids; both are OK but not amazing.
Question 2: How much autonomy do you give your kids on how they wear their hair, particularly when they still need help caring for it? The short story is that I’d much prefer to keep her hair in a mid-length bob because it’s easier for both of us to manage and gets less tangled during the day, but she wants “long princess hair” like her friends. I don’t have the heart to tell her that her fine, straight hair makes that option a PITA. I have the same hair type; I speak from experience. :) Her long-haired friends all have waves or curls.
Anonymous says
On Q2, I don’t know that waves or curls would be less prone to tangling. My rule is that to have input on hair length, a child must demonstrate that she can care for her hair independently. For a 6-year-old who wants long hair, I’d require her to keep it clean and tangle-free on her own for a specified period of time before allowing her to begin growing it out. If she grows it out and it gets tangled, it gets cut short again.
Anon says
I think waves are way worse re: tangling!
anon says
I didn’t express this well, but what I meant is that I think it’s easier for the tangles to be concealed in wavy/curly hair.
Anon says
It’s not cheap, but DD has annie-like curls and the best detangler (that her stylist used and I about fell over at how well it worked and then promptly ordered some) is Pureology. We now both use it. https://www.ulta.com/p/color-fanatic-multi-tasking-leave-in-spray-xlsImpprod5800064
I was your daughter and had a chin length bob until I was about 10 (and have not had hair shorter than my shoulders since then) so I plan to let DD have a say as a reaction to the lack of say I got as a kid. The trick for overnight rat nesting is to braid. I braid DD’s hair at night every night, and let’s just say my french braiding skills are getting a workout! She will often (not always) leave them in during the day too, so it simplifies the morning routine greatly.
CCLA says
We use socozy kids detangler, but I think more important than the detangler is a wet brush (esp the mini sized one when the kids are little), so easy to comb through the mess if there is one. A regular (not french/fishtail) seems to be the best at keeping tangles at bay overnight, if you can get them to not take out the hair tie.
Anonymous says
My 6 year old daughter has fine, wavy hair and it’s also prone to rats nests if I don’t help take care of it. 2 questions: have you tried a satin pillowcase, and when’s the last time your daughter’s hair was trimmed? Those solve most of our tangle problems.
Q1: We’ve tried a few different detanglers, but I don’t know that any of them stood out.
Q2: I give her max autonomy (but encourage regular trims), and style any way she wants me to, time permitting. We do combing/braiding after bath, before bedtime, while reading or watching TV. She never takes the braids out as long as she’s chosen their configuration. They don’t always look perfectly neat in the morning or at the end of the next day, but I can usually get 2 days out of a style before hair needs to be re-braided or washed.
What kind of braids do you do that fall out overnight? I’ve found that pigtail braids stay in better than a single braid, since the shorter hair by her face stays trapped better. I also have had good luck with some of her more creative ideas like a diagonal braid (so it falls over her shoulder like Elsa), and smaller cornrow-like braids close to her face.
Anonymous says
YMMV since my kid has curly hair, but Shea Moisture spray on detangler has been great for us. Getting a good conditioner and combing through with a wide tooth comb with the conditioner has helped. We randomly (well, one of us liked the picture and the purple bottle) got into the Aussie avocado conditioner, and it’s helped a lot.
And what about explaining to your daughter that there are trade offs with how she wears her hair. Us wavy/curly girls will wake up with a rat’s nest, too. The options are to wear a loose braid at night and sit through combing, or get a haircut.
Anonymous says
I dunno why my comment is in mod, but I recommend regular trims + satin pillowcase. Those changes were much more effective than any detangler.
Anon says
Use a spray-on leave-in like It’s a 10. It works really well.
anonamommy says
My daughter has wavy to curly hair depending on the humidity and I recently ditched the kids detanglers and started putting a tiny dollop of my leave-in conditioner on her hair before combing and drying. It’s worked wonders — I think the detanglers are really only good on short hair. I I use kinky curly knot today, but you could probably use anything — a tiny amount is enough. One key is that we comb it out before bed so tangles don’t have time to fester. And she never goes to bed with wet hair.
Grrr says
Ugh. I just need to anonymously vent about my husband for a second. I’m scheduled for induction next week (our 1st) and found out today that he’s literally taking 14 days off for paternity leave and then going right back to work (in the office). When we first started TTC he talked about requesting to work from home for my 3 month maternity leave. And then he started talking about 2 weeks off + 1 month work from home. And then 2 weeks and 2 weeks. The last time we talked about it (like a week or two ago) he said he hoped to at least take the rest of July off. Nope, he just requested the 2 weeks and will be returning to the office midweek.
He didn’t even f-ing ask his employer for more!!! I can understand some of where he’s coming from- he’s up for a promotion and is working on a big project and is in a very conservative/old school field. He might not be wrong that the request wouldn’t go over well. But I’m just so annoyed that I’m taking the massive career hit of 3 months maternity leave and planning on scheduled pumping breaks when I return etc and he’s just unilaterally opted not to let our child affect his f-ing job.
Anon says
Tell him this is not ok! Is he also going to skip all the night wake-ups? Because that will affect his job a lot too – anyone waking up for night feeds will be a zombie for at least 6-8 weeks. In some ways I think not taking leave and performing poorly because you’re so sleep-deprived is worse for your career than taking a longer leave (especially for guys).
I will say that my husband only took one week of paternity leave concurrently with my mat leave (he took the balance after I returned to work) and logistically it was totally fine. My mom was there for the first two weeks after the birth, but after that I was on my own and it was not as bad as I expected. So practically it may be fine (I think I had an easy baby though), but I would push back on him not asking for more time off because his attitude that a baby shouldn’t impact his job in any way is crazy and not ok.
Anonymous says
Of course he is going to skip the night wakings. This is how it will go: I need my sleep because I have work tomorrow. You’re still on maternity leave, so you need to handle it.
Ask me how I know.
Anon says
Yeah, that’s what I’m saying – that’s a huge problem. An even bigger problem than him not taking the leave in the first place, IMO.
Anon2 says
So while I agree that this should have been a conversation (not a unilateral decision), I did 100% of our night wakings by choice and it was fine.
Anonymous says
And then you hand him the baby and walk into another room and put in ear plugs and lock the door. Come out in three hours when you need to nurse again. Repeat.
I had to do that exactly once before DH understood I was serious. You are responsible for baby care 9-5 when he is at work or whatever his normal standard work hours are. All other care is a 50-50 joint responsibility. He got up M/T and Sat. nights. I got up W/Th/Fr nights. We alternated Sundays. First baby didn’t have a bottle until 4 months.
And I EBF on all three kids. EBF is not a reason for him to not do his share. On my nights off, he got the baby, changed diaper, brought me baby, I nursed sidelying, he put baby back to sleep. I didn’t even sit up.
Grrr says
Yeah… so this one’s kind of on me: I offered/planned to sleep in the nursery during my maternity leave to let him get more sleep. In my defense: 1) he has a history of bad depression and anxiety that’s been well controlled the past several years through a pretty regimented routine including sleep and exercise. I’m not saying my sleep isn’t important, but I’ve had past experiences of months of fragmented sleep without it being detrimental to my mental health. 2) I offered this during previous discussions about our leaves. Not when he casually announced he was only taking 2 weeks.
anonn says
I’m so sorry about this. I’m angry about this too, particularly the last sentence because I feel it so much in my job where my male peers are getting ahead and only taking 2-3 weeks and their wives stay home, and I’ve been mommy- tracked. My work even provides 6 weeks paid leave for men! No real advise for you there, just commiseration. My husband is a self-employed doctor so he couldn’t really take off, but blocked some afternoons a few days a week for the month around the time I was due, and then also blocked a full week off a few weeks after my due date (baby ended up being 4 weeks old at that point) This being my second I knew that wouldn’t be enough for my sanity so we also hired a night doula to come in 2-3 nights a week. Can you see if that’s an option in your area? Maybe the cost of that would persuade him to ask for more time off.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“I feel it so much in my job where my male peers are getting ahead and only taking 2-3 weeks and their wives stay home” – yep, same here. And they wonder why there aren’t more women in higher management roles! I wish paternity leave was required and enforced, and I hope that the younger generation of dads will take more leave.
My husband took leave when our kids were born (about 3 weeks) and then again when I returned to work (about 6-8 weeks) and it was great for our parenting dynamic. And my career! He’s doing fine too.
Spirograph says
This was how we did it too. I BF’d my kids and we didn’t introduce bottles the first month so there was really not much for my husband to do. I think he went back to work after two weeks for kid #1, and only one week after kids #2 and 3 (pre-pandemic, older kids stayed in daycare), and it didn’t bother me; I was happy to just have peace and quiet to take naps along with the baby all day. He took 8+ weeks of leave when I returned to work, instead, and took care of most of the night-wakings during that time.
If my husband had proposed 2 weeks off as his sole contribution to family leave… well, that would start a large conversation about equal partnership and I’d be curious to know how he’s planning to pull his weight.
EDAnon says
We also did this and it was amazing. My husband’s career is just fine (mine is too). Sharing the leave helped us both because he got some great bonding time (which he wouldn’t trade for anything) and I got to come back from maternity leave in a much easier way (no daycare drop offs! No tough transition!). We also saved money by starting daycare later.
I would talk to him about it. He can take his two weeks and then take his other 10 after you go back (and maybe his promotion will be secured by then?).
Pogo says
Competing with a bunch a men with stay at home wives is the most frustrating. I simply refuse to feel bad now about outsourcing almost all of my household duties because they are as well – the difference is I’m paying people.
Anonymous says
What’s even worse is when the comparison is a bunch of women with SAH husbands. They think they understand what it’s like to be a working mom but they truly do not.
Huh? says
This doesn’t make sense to me. A working mom with a stay at home husband is still literally a “working mom.” She may not understand what it’s like to be in a two-parent working household, but is the idea that she’s not “really” a mom? Or what?
Anonymous says
A mom with a SAH husband is basically a 1950s dad.
Anonymous says
IANAL, but one of my coworkers has a SAH husband and I don’t get 1950s dad vibes from her at all. She probably works 60+ hours a week, but she still drops everything for kid “emergencies” (and actual emergencies). And she talks very convincingly about mom guilt in a way that no dad I’ve ever met would understand.
Anon says
SAH husbands do not do anywhere near as much as 1950s housewives. I’m not saying it’s equivalent to a two working parent household but the 1950s housewife comparison is way off base IMO.
Same says
Same, except my male coworkers take 2-3 days. Maybe.
Anonymous says
A slightly different perspective: If the original plan was for him to take 2 weeks off and then WFH, I think 2 weeks off and then going back to the office is actually better. If he were WFH, he’d get in your way, want you to keep the baby quiet all day, judge you for what you have time and energy to do/not do, etc. He wouldn’t actually be available to help with the baby. At best he’d provide minimal help, like holding the baby for five minutes once during the day so you could use the bathroom, and would be resentful and annoying about it. If he’s not actually taking time off, it’s better to have him out of the house and out of your hair.
Anon says
Agreed. WFH is worse than nothing. I understand you’re frustrated he’s not taking more leave though.
Anonymous says
Yeah, WFH would be terrible. DH took two weeks off when my LO was born, and then went back to WFH full time (because COVID) when those two weeks were up. He was absolutely swamped, and I was trying to keep my colicky, anti-napping baby from screaming the whole time I was trying to work. And, because COVID, I had no in-person support. If I couldn’t have anyone helping me, I’d much rather have been home by myself so that I wouldn’t have had the added stress of whether DH’s boss (who is VIP in our industry) could hear the screaming.
Curious says
How can this possibly be a him-only decision? Partner and I discussed both our leaves at length and settled on a minimum. I’m perturbed on your behalf at the lack of we-are-a-parenting-team attitude that this shows.
Pogo says
Don’t let it go. That’s so frustrating. At least have him take leave after you go back! We did two weeks right away both times, then DH did the remainder of his leave when I went back.
I agree w/ above that logistically it is fine. During the day there’s not much for anyone else to “do”, aside from bringing you food and water, which is super helpful, but could be your mom, a friend, a doula, etc. I really didn’t care to have people up in my space when I wanted to binge watch Schitt’s Creek and eat entire sleeves of Tate’s chocolate chip cookies.
Anon says
Agreed. Leave after you go back to work is much more helpful, IMO.
anon says
This also sounds like his plan is not flexible at all. Two weeks may be ok if you’re feeling physically alright. But, you both should at least discuss and think through what happens if not. With my first, I was in the hospital for like 5 days, and felt horrible physically for several weeks (turns out, emergency surgery after delivery leaves you pretty wiped!). My DH’s boss “made” him take conference calls from the hospital and he only had a few more days of leave once we left the hospital and went home. I’m still mad. I felt like his work would have been better about his wife having some random procedure than a very serious delivery complication requiring blood transfusions. I wish for you a happy, safe, quick delivery, and healthy baby, but with all things parenting, you just don’t get guarantees and I say this with the hopes that you can avoid starting out parenting angry with your partner. It’s easier for your partner to take a month off and come back early than request more time.
SC says
+1. My husband planned to take like 2 days off work because they were busy. And I was due at a time when we were going to have zero family help. My male co-worker told me a story similar to yours, and bluntly told me that DH’s plan was crazy. That at least convinced DH to take 2 weeks. Anything else would have been unpaid, and it actually would have been better for him to request it after something went wrong instead of before.
Anonymous says
Just for a bit of hope re: your last sentence, FWIW I don’t think my career took a significant hit from maternity leave or pumping breaks. I mommy-tracked myself a little in turning down a promotion mid-last year because I did not want any extra work demands in my pandemic life, but my boss just told me a couple weeks ago that she’s putting me in for one this year. Three months of maternity leave, and even a year of new-parenthood is a blip in the grand scheme of most careers.
This doesn’t excuse your husband from making a meaningful contribution to infant care, because he absolutely should, and I encourage you to discuss him taking his own solo baby-responsibility leave when you go back to work. I feel like this does way more for a constructive co-parent dynamic than a lot of concurrent parental leave.