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Anonymous says
I’m struggling, guys. I’d really like to have friends again, but I’m in a season where I feel like I’m at full bandwidth just working full time and taking care of a toddler. All my friends either don’t have kids, or have a nanny/grandparents nearby to babysit whenever they’d like. So I’ve been missing out on a lot of friends’ parties lately because we don’t have a reliable sitter (we had one but she ghosted us) and it’s busy season at work. Just bummed.
AwayEmily says
I’m sorry and I get it. It is a season and it WILL get better, but it might take awhile. Here is a brief story from my life in case it helps: we moved to my current city about five years ago and made immediate close friends with two sets of neighbors, both of whom had kids our kids’ age. It was perfect. Then two years later, both of them moved away and suddenly we were back at ground zero, in the middle of the pandemic, with no close friends and (like you) no reliable babysitter. We started very slowly rebuilding. Hosted a Halloween party, met other parents at playgrounds, had potential friends over to our house after kid bedtime (this one was clutch; it is a LOT easier to bond with people without kids around). It took almost two years of gradual progress but I now feel like we have a decent number of friends.
anon says
I’m sorry. This is a really hard stage of life. I completely hear you on not having a stable of reliable sitters. It makes it that much harder to maintain connections.
Anonymous says
I just wanted to say it’s valid to feel bummed about this. My first kid attended a great day care where I just didn’t click with any of the parents. He’s now in public kindergarten and I’ve found a few moms I want to be friends with, but I’m pretty slow to make friends too. I don’t know if there’s a perfect solution but wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Anonymous says
Ugh, it is hard. Finding sitters is another job. I’ve never been good at it.
octagon says
It really is and I hate that it defaults to women. In November 2019 I spent hours on sittercity, met with maybe 10 people, and had lined up 4 really good sitters to have on rotation. I was feeling so good about it. And then… Covid happened, and they all changed their life situations over the last few years, so now I have to do it all again.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I hear this and feel this. All of my good friends from law school moved away to different cities, so I felt some of this even before kids, but when my kids came, I sort of escaped to that lifestyle, and especially with a toddler and baby, there’s not a lot of free time outside of this. Then Covid happened, and we didn’t see anyone besides my parents for a long time. I now feel like I’m emerging from both the pandemic and the intense baby/toddler years (although my kids still require a lot at 4 and 6) and am looking for friends. It does take time, and persistence – there are a few parent couples of my older kid’s friends that we’ve gotten to know and enjoy seeing. I may start an exercise class to meet people outside of kid life too.
But there are seasons for spending every day with friends, and seasons for less of that. You are in a tough season now. It won’t always be this way. And I feel like this group is my friend group too, even if I’ve never met any of you in person!
CCLA says
I could have written this, especially being friendly with parents of kids friends – we’re slowly building those connections, and I’m hopeful but it is definitely taking time. Our kids are also 4 and 6 and I feel like we were robbed a bit of bonding time with other parents because of the first year or two of covid when playdates were fewer and people were just generally gathering less. Also looking into exercise classes, which I want to do primarily for the fitness but feel like community could be a bonus. I like the way you framed it that this is not a season for spending every day with friends and that that’s OK.
Anon says
Do you have a partner? Swap off parties with them. My husband and I see a LOT of each other, so it’s nice for one person to go to a party/meetup around bedtime and then the other person stays behind with the kids AND gets alone time post bedtime. It started off as a compromise (babysitter moved away, then pandemic) but has been really great for this season.
HSAL says
Yes, this was going to be my suggestion. My husband and I trade off for stuff like this. It helps that most of the parties are “my” things that he doesn’t care about – he’s happy to have the house to himself after bedtime. Even movies – if we don’t have grandparents available to babysit, we go in shifts and I love it.
Anon says
At least you’re invited to parties? Sounds like you do have friends just seeing them less?
Instagram is bumming me out (must get off social media!) because I feel like I have less holiday plans than everyone else! I could get babysitting, but I don’t have as many reasons to!
Also work on getting a new reliable sitter (or a bench of them) – it’ll make a world of difference! I’d focus on that first!
EDAnon says
You should get off social media. I say this with all seriousness. I left social media in 2011 (I have LinkedIn, but that’s it). It’s been so good for me. Comparison is the thief of joy and social media provides a constant source of comparison.
Also, I have friends and didn’t get invited to much holiday stuff. Most my friends are also busy with little kids and work. I could curate a fun looking life for you but, really, we are not up to much and most of our friends aren’t either.
Anon says
I got off social media and I’m so much happier and I honestly feel like I’m getting away with something by keeping my life private in a world that pushes everyone to constantly perform for a public audience.
EDAnon says
I feel the same way!
Same boat says
Ugh, I feel this except I really have no true mom friends in my city. There are daycare family acquaintances that I like and talk to at school events, but everyone is in such a busy season of life that it’s hard to really make friends. I’ve lost touch with a lot of friends recently for a variety of reasons (distance, life stage as we had kids later in life than most, job changes, etc.) and i sometimes feel like I’m losing people but not gaining any.
I also have had a really tough time initiating things recently because I’m honestly so sensitive about my lack of friends that rejection really stings (even when I know it isn’t personal, but just that people are busy or already have a larger social circle etc.). I know that’s irrational and counterproductive.
An old friend who lives far away called me out of the blue the other day and it was such a pleasant surprise. I know everyone says that hate phone calls these days, but it was nice to just talk.
EDAnon says
I am glad your friend called and sorry you’re not having success making new friends. I have had a lot of friends move away and it is really hard to keep losing people that way.
I found my greatest success was finding friends through a shared activity like yoga classes or a running club.
Anon says
This is not a solution for everyone, but this is part of why we moved to my home-city.
Caveat it’s a major city – so many of my close friends have either stayed or moved back, we have local and extended family, and although DH isn’t from here, he has a few friends, plus his office has a lot of cool (to him) people and social events that he genuinely enjoys.
Same boat says
Haha, thanks – I genuinely appreciate this sentiment. It just made me laugh because we also moved back “home” 5+ years ango and it hasn’t exactly played out as expected! I often wonder if I would have been better off staying in the city where I had my first post-grad school job and at least had those initial connections.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
When we were in a different city and I was a bit in your boat, here are a few things that could help:
1. Switching off with your partner as suggested above – we have two kids now and do this all the time, even with having family help and a few sitters we can contact.
2. Ask prospective friends to come over after toddler is down (this only works if your kid has an early-ish bedtime) – order takeout and open a bottle of wine
3. If your toddler is in daycare/preschool, see if any of the teachers take on extra work as sitters
4. We were close with a family that had a teenage daughter – a few times she came over and watched the monitor after my kid was asleep and I went out somewhere close to meet someone for a glass of wine – again this works if you have a kid that goes to bed on the earlier side
Anon says
On the look for babysitters – also feel free to lower the bar. I’ll take anyone with a personal connection. Highschool student that my friend coaches for mock trial? Great. Family friend of a coworker? Great. They took the American Red Cross babysitter class at age 12 at the local library? Great. I don’t audition people. My toddler is very verbal and loves to tattle, so it’s a different calculus than a baby.
Anon from MD says
Can you take walks with your friends w/ the stroller? If they have a dog, maybe they’d be particularly up for it. My son is now in college, but the main way I’ve kept in touch with many friends for years is going on dog walks so why not a stroller and dog walk?
anon says
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, or just need to gripe, but I am absolutely dreading spending Christmas Day with my DH’s extended family. Once you factor in all the adults and kids, it’s 30 people crammed into his aunt’s house. And they are all very, very loud people who think they’re hilarious, and it’s even worse after everyone starts drinking and playing card games. My young teen has told me, several times, how uncomfortable he is when we spend holidays with this group. And I am too, to be honest. I’ve been part of this family for 20 years and still struggle to find conversational topics with these relatives.
The only way to get away from the fray is to take a walk outside; there is no place to hide. DH doesn’t love this gathering, but I think he feels obligated to do it, plus my MIL puts pressure on him to maintain relationships with this side of the family now that his dad has passed. MIL is pretty undemanding so he listens. On the bright side, at least I’m not taking little kids here anymore, which was its own kind of hell. But it really is deeply un-fun and I feel like I have to suck it up because we alternate Christmas Day between his family and mine and so that’s already a compromise to not do it every year. I think one reason why my dander is up because I feel like his aunt wants us all there so she can have this storybook big-family gathering. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like we’re props.
I’ve thought about taking separate cars, even though it’s 45 minutes away, so DS and I can leave after 3-4 hours and DH can stay longer if he wants. It would raise eyebrows but I’m not sure that I care. Any other ideas on how to make this less awful.
anon says
Sounds like you and kiddo might be coming down with Covid or a stomach bug! Maybe pinkeye too. So sorry you’ll miss the gathering but you wouldn’t want to get everyone sick.
Pogo says
bwahaha this made me LOL
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, that sounds stressful. But it is just one day in your life every 2 years. Can you bring something like a puzzle to work on, that you might have to set up in a quiet corner? My husband does this a lot with my family. He never works on puzzles at home, preferring to do wordle or something alone, but doing a puzzle allows him to do something he enjoys while being vaguely social. Definitely take walks. Maybe make a timeline for the day for yourself so you feel like you have regular breaks. E.g., can you go do stuff in the kitchen periodically, like wash dishes? Run to the store for more booze or something? Also, would it help to just accept that you are doing this for your husband and his aunt, and it isn’t going to be remotely fun for you? It is an act of service and a Noble Sacrifice.
Green says
The puzzle idea is amazing! It IS ostensibly social in that anyone could sit down and join in, in reality, who wants to sit down with the brother in law they don’t know all that well to chitchat when they could be catching up with close family, so I’m sure he’s mostly left alone.
Anon says
Hmm this does sound stressful, and I’m concerned your son said it makes him uncomfortable!
Absent that I’d only caution you to try to stick it out and stay. My SIL regularly leaves family gatherings with a kid early – her situation’s not look yours, it’s not loud or anything but kid is younger – and it’s very hurtful to a lot of of the older generation especially who do notice and feel insulted or unwanted. Or have DH leave at the same time as you. I think if my brother left when she did it would be a lot less hurtful to my parents and aunt and uncle actually?
anon says
Yeah, I had considered that this may not be the way to go. I’m an adult and can suck it up for one day, but I hate that my kid is miserable on Christmas.
Louisa says
I get that people’s feelings are hurt but making it through a long get together with a small child is hard! and staying for 4 hours isn’t nothing
at so.e pount you have to do what us right for your immediate family.
Earlier poster says
Well OP’s kid is a young teen.
My kids (the one whose SIL leaves early) are 1, 3, 5. She always leaves early with her 2 year old and my kids are confused and don’t get to hang out with their cousins. We generally schedule all family get togethers around the 2 year old’s nap schedule, so it’s extra frustrating for everyone who then doesn’t get to see the kid.
Anon says
i hope there are some designated drivers, but can you and DH make a deal to leave after X amount of time, or for your kid to have a code word that he needs to go for a walk with you. 4 hours seems like a long time to stay at someone’s home. what time do you get there? i think it is fine to gripe, but this is one of those things we do for family.
Anon says
Ugh. 4 hours seems like plenty for the whole family to stay in this situation, honestly. Can you arrive shortly before dinner (I’m assuming it’s mid afternoon) and leave early evening? Maybe you invent your own nuclear family brunch tradition (or movie at night, etc) this year as your reason for arriving later/leaving earlier.
anon says
I am with you here, I’m your husband in this situation (my family and I hated going too) except we’ve stopped going to this family event. Luckily we live far enough away where it is just unreasonable to go and we’re in the young kids phase so our opt-out was a bit easier. When you said feel like props that REALLY resonated with me, that’s exactly how I’ve felt in my extended family, especially now with kids.
Would your MIL be open to coming to your place for Christmas day ahead of the event? (I would guess a strong NO but worth tossing out there). Could you say no for this year?
Otherwise, I think taking 2 cars is totally fine, but it sounds like DH may be interested in leaving early.
Hugs.
anon says
We will likely get together with just my MIL on Christmas Eve. I would love to skip the Christmas Day festivities, but that’s ultimately DH’s call, and he doesn’t seem to be ready to say no yet. I keep waiting for the day when the aunts decide they want to have Christmas with just their nuclear families and grandkids, but it hasn’t happened yet. Ugh.
Thank you for understanding what I mean when I say we’re props. We’re the B-list relatives, for a whole host of reasons, and yet it would be a HUGE deal if we stopped coming. They were mad when we wouldn’t celebrate Christmas with them in 2020 … 3 weeks after FIL died from Covid. Anything for the FAAAAMILY!
Anon says
Man – I would dig in more to find out why your young teen is uncomfortable at these events. I try, as much as possible, to respect/honor my kids when they tell me they are uncomfortable doing something (different than just not wanting to do homework or go to practice, etc).
anon says
He’s uncomfortable because of the questions they ask him, and what they see as joking/teasing, he finds mean-spirited. The questions aren’t really that objectionable, but it’s the way they ask them, I think. They also want to tease him about girls and crushes, and since he recently came out to us, I am really worried about this topic coming up. That, we might be able to do something about.
His safe people are us, his grandma, and a great-uncle. We’ve tried bringing books, games, puzzles, etc., but he feels so overwhelmed that those quiet activities are hard to focus on.
Anon says
With this information, I would go in two cars. Set expectations with your own nuclear family up front. Your husband can stay as long as he likes, but if your child is uncomfortable, he has a safe word that can trigger his/your immediate departure. I would talk a lot with your child before you go about how he can shut down questions that he doesn’t want to answer, how to subtly ask for your help if he needs it, and let him know you can be ready to go at a moment’s notice. In this case, especially, your obligations are to your child first, and the older, sad relatives a way distant second.
I also have a gay child, and my husband’s family is a very conservative, traditional, southern family. We live in a very liberal area, and thankfully, my kid hasn’t really had a lot of experience with people who are not used to out individuals. My child greatly benefitted from practicing/role playing how to respond firmly, but politely to different types of comments or questions (we covered — curious, but not intrusive; curious, and inadvertently inappropriate; intrusive; inappropriate). Child doesn’t have to answer anything they don’t want to answer, but having some rehearsed answers ready and practiced helped him, especially with older relatives — some of whom have never known or been around an out kid before. He also knows that I will get him out of any situation at the mention of a safe word, no questions asked.
Have hot chocolate, popcorn, and a favorite movie ready for when you get back. You are a good mom to have your child’s back here.
anon says
These are great ideas. Thank you. Although these people annoy me, I don’t have reason to think they’re intentionally cruel. Heteronormative, yes. Homophobic, I don’t believe so. But also, my kid isn’t out to everyone yet. I like the idea of practicing some questions that might come up.
Lil says
Agree on the role playing. Does your kid want to come out to this part of the family now? I would align on that decision ahead of time. Younger cousin is gay and knew from about 15 but didn’t come out to the extended family until 18 and his parent told their siblings first. Everyone was fine with it but I can see how they would have accidentally said inappropriate things in the moment.
Anon says
Agreed — I’m also non-confrontational to my core (especially with older family members, thanks to my own upbringing…), and honestly, practicing firm responses to heteronormative, brash questions is as good for me as it is for my child. We start by practicing funny responses that are non-responsive (‘what lucky lady are you taking to the prom?’ A: what lucky lady are YOU taking to the prom? *subject change*), and work our way towards a firm “hey, I’m not comfortable answering that.”
My husband’s family has surprised us. Everyone is still a little bit on uncertain ground, but they try seemingly with good intentions. We’ve only had one person who has veered completely into inappropriate proselytizing with us, and my husband simply responded that if it ever happened again, we would never again visit that side of the family.
Lil says
This brought back some memories of childhood, right down to the comment about being props! This was my father’s family growing up. Ultimately, we went until I moved away, my parents stopped by for a few more years after that and then faded. From the kid perspective, it meant a lot to my Dad and he never asked us kids for much , so I thought of it as his Christmas gift. If your MIL is otherwise similar, I’d try framing it this way. I would talk to your teen honestly about how you know it’s not the best thing on Christmas but sometimes we do things because they mean so much to someone else. Also, different people have different ways of celebrating and value different things.It didn’t hurt me to go so I could do it (very different if we are talking a racist/sexist environment) . Oh! And I hung out with my young cousins well into my teens. Maybe encourage teen to bring kid friendly activities and help watch younger cousins if that’s an option in this family.
Anon says
yes, i agree with this assuming uncomfortable means it is loud and not the most fun thing ever, as opposed to something truly inappropriate
Walnut says
Can you and kiddo arrive at the party later in the day and send husband from the start? Maybe you and your son volunteer at a soup kitchen earlier in the day and join the family gathering later? As a bonus, it gives you something to talk about.
Anon says
As long as “uncomfortable” doesn’t mean “being harassed,” I’d say that it sucks and would recommend two cars, but since it’s once in two years, I’d suck it up overall. What I would also do is suggest an activity and invite others to join. While all the bros are playing a drunken card game, why don’t you lead a “Christmas light walk” in the neighborhood and start a new tradition? Other options could include making fancy hot chocolate in the kitchen while others are in the living room, bringing a new spikeball (or similar) set so anyone who wants to get out in the fresh air has a fun option outside, or similar.
EDAnon says
I think anything you can do to acknowledge your kid’s feelings and give them a way out if they need it is great. My kids have some extended family that expect familiarity despite making no effort to get to know my kids or spend time with them. It makes my kids uncomfortable. It manifests as “friendly” questions that are awkward (just too personal for someone you don’t know well) or hugs. I back my kids up in their handling of it (no hugs if they don’t want them. I tell them they cannot be rude but don’t have to share anything about their lives that they don’t want to). With one relative who tends to turn all mistakes into long, chastising monologues in the name is “teaching,” we have a secret way to communicate so kiddo can get out of the situation.
My parents rarely acknowledged my feelings which is something I am recognizing as an adult. Once I was a teenager, my mom was better about it. But my dad doesn’t ever want to hurt someone so if he does, then he pretends he didn’t hurt you or rationalizes it rather than apologize. It’s really hurtful. I am glad you’re taking your kid seriously.
anon says
This is the dynamic. Overly friendly for not knowing them well.
DLC says
I think it’s worth taking separate cars. You won’t know until you do it if it is the right choice for your family or not. And if it turns out that leaving early wasn’t the right move, you can spend the next twenty years doing things the old way. 3-4 hours is my limit with my family and I adore them, so I feel like 3-4 hours with uncomfortable in laws is more than plenty.
anon says
You don’t have that long before kiddo is an adult and makes his own choices for holidays. If half his Christmas memories are being uncomfortable at a distant relative’s house, he’s not going to be so inclined to spend Christmas with you. So then you’re left with this gathering and not the kiddo you adore.
I think it’s better late than never to start making Christmas fun for kiddo.
Hmmm says
I think 3-4 hours is plenty to spend at someone else’s house! You absolutely do not have to spend an entire day doing this if you don’t want to. Leave it up to your husband whether he wants to come separately or leave when you do.
Also, in these situations I think often the best approach is to not make a lot of excuses or get into a discussion of why you need to leave at a certain time. Just be firm and say that you can only stay until X time (or won’t arrive until Y time).
Anon. says
I’m strongly in favor of two cars in this scenario. Growing up we had a similar family Thanksgiving event where we were essentially b-list guests at a huge, loud, cramped house. It was a 20 minute drive but we always brought two cars. My dad would usually leave early – and it was an out for my sister or I if we wanted to leave early too. Maybe eyebrows were raised, but having an escape hatch was really nice. I think my dad’s excuse was usually work commitments (farm chores) but I don’t know that it really matters.
SC says
How long does your DH stay? It seems to me that 4 hours should be plenty. But my grandmother used to host 30 people for all-day gatherings in a small house, and many of my family members were loud and teased and generally cut up and thought they were hilarious. But we also spent time outside (yes, it was usually cold) so it wasn’t so crazy in the house. The kids would put on coats and play outside, or as we got older, sit on the dock away from the house and talk. One year, we even all laid down in the bed of my uncle’s RV and watched the Sandlot. The dads would do an oyster roast over the grill before the meal. Some of the moms organized a walk when it got dark to see the neighborhood lights. We’d all be together inside for the meal and gift opening (which became a white elephant when the cousins got older).
I’d recommend you and your son organize some quiet and/or outdoor activities that a few others may join you in. You don’t all have to be together every minute of the day.
Anon says
tips for handling the influx of toys/stuff from the holidays? Hanukkah starts on Sunday and I realized my kids will each be receiving 2-4 gifts per night, which is just so much stuff! Do you let your kids open all at once? do you try to grab stuff and put it aside for a future rainy day?
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have them open everything on Christmas morning. It’ll end up being somewhere around 15 gifts per kid, although some are small and more stocking stuffers. My only advice is to purge as much as you can beforehand, to make room for the new toys!
Anonymous says
Not much in the way of advice here, but I have basically stopped buying my kid any presents because his grandparents send so much stuff for holidays. This is our first year really doing Hanukkah for our 3-year old, but I plan to do a couple of the larger presents on the first night, then slowly taper off (so like socks or hot wheels or a piece of candy on nights 5 and onward).
Anon says
yea we didnt really get them anything other than some hanukkah stickers, but i was planning on doing the reverse, starting with the smaller gifts and working up to the bigger ones
Anon says
This is what we do too for Hanukkah. We get some practical stuff like clothes and books but rely on relatives and friends for all toys.
Anne-on says
We designate one day before the holidays to review toys/books/games and figure out what can be purged. Luckily my kid was never super averse to purging things and if this is triggering for yours maybe you can move it to the basement/garage and then reevalute?
We also talked a lot about how other kids/families would get so much enjoyment out of things my kid didn’t like/use any longer. We also donated books/toys to daycare/school/family and having teachers/friends explicitly recognize and thank my kid for the donation was a big help to making this something he was on board with. Now he’ll talk about how he’s not really into this toy/series/game but that the 3rd graders/younger cousins/neighbors will love it and he can’t wait to watch them enjoy it.
Anonymous says
No advice here, unfortunately. We celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, and we haven’t quite figured out how to balance the two. This is the first year our 2-year-old is going to understand that she’s getting gifts. The Hanukkah-celebrating grandparents will likely go overboard, because they feel they need to do exactly as much for our kiddo as they did for our niece, even though DH and I are in a very different financial situation than his sister.
Tea/Coffee says
Depends on your kids’ ages.
When my kids were so young they weren’t keeping track, DH and I would strategically put gifts away for later (that random xmas gift that you pull out in March when everyone’s sick and it’s raining and you need 20 mins to get a shower FFS is magical). It’s easiest to do this if the gift giving is not in your house… put the gifts in the car for the ride home… get them back out and hide a few when the kids are asleep.
Now that they are too old to fall for that, we lean more heavily on purging before.
Anon says
All our Hanukkah gifts are kept in our closet, so my kids have no idea how many they have, which lets us dole them out as we see fit, though we only use that to divide between the nights, not to keep for later. Our best strategy has been to set expectations with our extended family that everyone only sends one present (or one present + a book), so we’re able to keep it to only 1 or 2 per night. Trying to control 20-30 gifts per kid is a lot!
We also try to steer people towards useful things when asked for suggestions, but this obviously works better for some families than others. So while my kids are getting some fun new things like a craft kit, a puzzle, doll clothes, fuzzy blankets, umbrellas, and some books, their other Hanukkah presents are essentially all replacing things they already have but have outgrown (bigger scooters, new pjs and clothes, new slippers and bathrobes, etc), so they don’t take up more space.
Anon says
Has anyone managed to hold onto “big” hobbies (e.g., running marathons, competitive master’s swimming) after having kids? If so, what worked for you in terms of structuring your routine and schedule and trading off with your partner (if you have one)? I’m finding that I’m struggling to find the time to make the plans that are needed to support my hobby, which is leading to empty weekends where I had a chance to make something happen, but didn’t. Tips welcome.
EDAnon says
I trained for a triathlon and a half marathon since having kids (they’re 6 and 4). I completed both but didn’t achieve my goal time in either. In the tri, it was due more to poor pacing myself on the day of and much hotter temps than I’d planned for. For the half, it was really just that I didn’t train enough. Honestly, I was working fully remote when I trained for the triathlon which helped because I would use my lunch time to train a few days per week. The half was much harder both because I worked more in person and because the distances are greater.
I keep at it but I don’t have much of a formula for success.
Anon says
not me personally, but my friends who do seem to wake up early during the week to make the time, and requires advance planning. from my friends they said it was possible to fit it in on weekends, especially while kids were still of napping age, once theys topped napping until mid elementary it was a bit harder, but it varies so much depending on number and age of kids
GCA says
I’ve been working remotely for close to a decade, which does make things a tad easier, but for marathon training I really just have to wake up very, very early to get the training done. Also, it turns out that running in your late 30s is roughly 25% PT exercises, and I had to make the time for those as well. In terms of plans-making on weekends, would it help to find and commit to doing the thing with a friend or a group? That’s what got me out of the house for those long runs.
It’s relatively straightforward to trade off with DH because we don’t do much work travel and are both pretty hands-on at home. I’m an extreme morning lark so I run early, he’s a bit of a night owl so he does his rowing workouts late while watching TV or listening to podcasts, and the kids (7 and 4) are finally old enough to help each other out with cereal on weekend mornings so he can sleep in while I finish my run.
Anon says
“Running in your 30s is 25% PT exercises” – I feel so seen.
Pogo says
omg, me right now with my knee pain.
NYCer says
No personal experience, but my good friend’s husband is a marathoner, and he gets up *super* early to do his training. Generally he is done before the kids get up, save for the super long runs. But even then, he also starts super early., so it is not like he is gone until 1pm on a weekend. Beyond that, I think you have to trade off with your spouse for the long runs (or swims or whatever your hobby is). For instance, if you go run for four hours on Saturday morning, your spouse gets Sunday morning (or Saturday night, or another time you’ve agreed on) to do whatever he pleases — play golf, go out with friends, etc.
Anon says
My partner is the big athletic hobby haver (dedicates about 8 hours a week to it on top of his 50 hour a week job). A couple of big things that made this work for us:
– he’s accepted that this is part of his me-time and he doesn’t get extra separate me-time
– he has a set schedule and has to stick to it (he does Mon, Wed, Fri after work and Sat and Sun mornings). If he doesn’t feel like doing his activity at the scheduled time, he just skips it.
Honestly, at this stage in life, it’s hard and a pretty big ask on his part. It’s incredibly important to his mental health so I’m happy to be supportive.
Tea/Coffee says
I think how you structure it has a lot to do with the frequency, like are you training for one marathon a year or are you doing six hour bike rides every single weekend? I would approach those two situations very differently.
I ran a marathon (and continue to run). Most of my training was started in the dark. It is what it is. There were a few Fridays that i took off work to do my long run bc i knew the weekend was not going to work. I knew that this was a season, not a new norm (i did not train for a marathon this year). DH has a hobby that is very time intensive for a short period of the year. I didn’t do a whole lot of long runs during that period.
I actually think doing any of this with preschool aged kids would be harder. If you have ES kids- lean hard on carpools! My kids were old enough to understand that mom was working on something really hard, and that me missing one soccer game wasn’t a big deal in the long run.
So Anon says
I’ve kept up with running post-kids. For many years, that was a few miles a few times per week. Now that my kids are a bit older (9 and 12), I trained for and ran my first half-marathon post kids this summer. I’m a single parent, so it requires a lot of advance planning, some babysitters and treadmill runs in the basement. I run over my lunch breaks during the week. On the weekend, I do laps so that I am checking back into the house with my kids every 30-45 minutes. For my last few long runs, I had a babysitter come so that I could do the race course. As with most things post-kids, I think the key is to lower expectations and just do what you can. I would love to be able to do cardio and weights the same day for a nice 1.5 hr workout. Instead, I do the weights/PT early morning while my middle schooler eats breakfast, and then run at lunch. I always go with the motto that something is better than nothing, and I can probably squeeze in something most days.
Spirograph says
Not athletic ones, no. I haven’t even kept up with non-competitive lap swimming the last couple years; my exercise is very peloton-centric these days.. My main “big” hobby is music, and fortunately I can practice at home once my kids are in bed with no need to coordinate a responsible adult to be present with them.
Marathon Mom says
I’ve run something like 7 marathons since my kids were born and a handful of half marathons. My first full post-kids was when my youngest was 13 months old. They are now 7 and 5. I typically aim to run 2 marathons a year. As others have mentioned, I train early. I rarely miss time at home other than for races and I stick with local races. I am always back long before the kids wake up during the week and typically before they’re up on weekends. Early to bed and early to rise is just routine for me. I am fortunate my kids are not early risers. My husband and I both work full-time, his schedule can be unpredictable, I am more closely 40 hour weeks.
Anonymous says
I definitely did not just add a task I’ve already completed to my to do list to make it look more impressive. How’s your day going?
Anne-on says
I saw a post that said something like ‘there are no rules about what can go on a to-do list, mine has shower, brush teeth, get dressed. It’s 9am and I’ve already crossed 3 things off my list!’. So go for it!
Vicky Austin says
About the same. No shame!
Cb says
Ha! I’m in London for work, and had a 2 hour meeting, and a 1 hour online talk and am calling it for the day. Tomorrow I’m going to go to do my last bits of Christmas shopping before heading to the airport, just rolling into Christmas holidays here.
Anonymous says
In my circles, we call that a ta-da list.
Playground drama says
Need tips for helping a nearly 5 year old emotions around classmates and friends. My daughter was recently at the playground and saw a friend from school (girl A). My kid asked A if she wanted to play and A just ignored her. My kid kept asking and then tears, so many tears. She also broke down and told me that another classmate, B (boy) “ignores” her and B said he isn’t coming to her birthday party
I have seen her play well with A before. B I don’t know all that well. And I have seen my daughter herself shun another boy C because he is no longer in her after school program
I have expressed empathy that it is hard etc, given hugs, but I’m not sure I’m really empowering her to deal with these things. I also ordered some books on being kind, brave and strong. I worry she’s been the mean girl or acted out, and is getting avoided, honestly – she and A seem competitive with each other. Any other advice for helping through this stage?
Playground drama says
Adding that teacher says she does fine in school and gets along with everyone – as of the parent teacher meeting a few weeks ago.
EDAnon says
While all these are related to friends, I don’t k ow that they’re all related to each other
For friend A, I would tell my kid that it is rude to ignore someone and they shouldn’t have done that. You can always say politely that you don’t want to play or want to play alone or whatever. I think helps reinforce polite behavior for your kid and helps them understand the behavior isn’t okay from someone else (thus giving them comfort). I usually add some kind of “maybe they’ll want to play next time” to keep the door open.
For friend B, kids are gonna be kids. My son invited his whole summer camp to his birthday which included kids much older than him who said they didn’t want to go. He as hurt. My response was that it was their loss. It was going to be a super fun party and they would miss it. He ended up having a good time with the kids that did come.
For friend C, this is actually the most concerning to me. I would ask a lot of questions and share my perspective that someone isn’t a good or bad friend based on whether they go to after school. And that’s where you can draw on the lessons about how to be kind when you don’t want to play with someone else.
I will add the caveat that my kid (6) is a huge extrovert. His natural tendency is to be friends with everyone so all of my advice is tailored to that kind of kid.
Playground drama says
Thanks very helpful. I was appalled at shunning of C and was clear that it was not kind behavior. I feel like the messaging needs to be it hurts when someone avoids/ignores you so don’t do it yourself.
EDAnon says
Also, you’re doing great! It’s important to pay attention to what’s happening and try to give your kid the skills to be a good person. It’s great that you’re doing that!
Anon says
i have 4.5 year old twins and the inviting/uninviting/commenting on the birthday parties has been a constant for the past year. my favorite was how twin A kept coming home saying how some girl in her class said she wasn’t going to invite twin B to her bday party, and the girl didn’t even have a bday party. Same thing this year, a girl whose birthday already passed and didn’t have a party keeps talking about who she is/isnt going to invite. ( i know both moms and know that they only had family parties)
Anonymous says
I highly recommend a book called “Little Girls Can Be Mean,” which was incredibly valuable to me in understanding social and relational dynamics in my daughter’s world and helped me handle those issues without projecting all of my own past trauma on my kid.
Anon says
This is one of those, “Would you say something?”/ “As as parent would you want to know?” questions…
My ten year old moved school this year. The main reason her old school wasn’t a good fit was because there was one boy (T) who was constantly calling her stupid and getting the other kids in the class to do likewise. This was in a magnet program, so the kids had been together since kindergarten and she wouldn’t have been able to move to a different classroom in that same school. We had brought this up with the teacher and the teacher’s response was: “Maybe we will have a lesson during our socio-emotional unit about being kind to fellow classmates.” The teacher also didn’t move my child to another table and kept her sitting at a table where she was constantly being referred to as “stupid” (Teacher’s philosophy was that kids who were more advanced would help those who were struggling. It didn’t work.) My kid tried not to make it about T, saying that T’s parents put a lot of pressure on him to do well in school and that T frequently freaks out when he’s doesn’t have the best grades in the class, saying his parents will be angry with him. So my kid didn’t want T to get in anymore trouble. Anyhow, we pulled our kid out of the magnet program into our home district school and she is much happier. She said she thought she was stupid but at her new school she just realized that she really wasn’t.
So now, T’s mother is the room parent of the old school, and she’s been emailing about holiday gifts for the teachers. I do need to tell her to take us off her mailing list, but… I’m debating whether or not to tell her that her son is the reason my child was miserable and left the program. On the one hand I don’t know what it would accomplish other than getting it off my chest because I am genuinely angry about this. On the other – do people/ parents want to know when their kids are being mean? Or is this water under the bridge/stay out of it kind of situation?
Thoughts?
rakma says
As a parent I’d want to know, but I would not say something in this case.
If your daughters reading of this is correct, and this child’s parents would be angry with him for not getting the highest grade in the class, it’s likely that your values and theirs don’t align, and you’re unlikely to get any kind of resolution from this exchange.
Anon says
so at this point i think it is water under the bridge, plus based on what your daughter told you it sounds like T’s parents might be part of the problem. if you were friendlyish with T’s mom I think it would be fine to talk to her in-person, but this is not the sort of thing i’d want to discuss via email. Also, obviously T was a huge part of the problem, but it also sounds like the teacher/school handled it terribly
Anon says
Generally I would want to know, but I think your chance to raise this with the parent was when they were at the same school. I also think it’s likely that there were more factors at play here than one kid. I don’t mean to minimize the way this kid was acting, but it sounds like the teacher’s response was also a huge issue as well as the other kids in the class. It sounds like an awful situation overall and I’m glad your daughter is in a better setting where she doesn’t have to deal with that. But I don’t know what you’d achieve by emailing this parent now.
That said, you also don’t have much to lose as long as the parent isn’t someone you’re likely to encounter professionally.
Anon says
I vote don’t say anything.
Anonymous says
Don’t say anything. I have a friend like this kid’s mom. She’s very competitive, insecure, and there’s honestly a lot of garbage going on at home that isn’t the kid’s fault but absolutely affects his behavior. Her kid very smart and manipulative. She knows exactly what he’s doing (says all the time he gets it from her) but she’s either too tired to parent effectively or he’s her little angel and the other kid (usually her other child) is 100% to blame. Mentioning it to her is a nice idea, but it isn’t going to change how this person parents. Because of this dynamic we no longer interact with this family.
EDAnon says
That is such a sad sounding situation. I am sorry for that whole family.
anon says
Ask to be removed from the list and move along.
NYCer says
I would let it go. Your daughter has moved on and is happy at her new school. There is nothing to gain from saying something at this point IMO.
Green says
+1. The teacher who is aware of the situation is in the best position to know whether to say anything to the parents – you don’t have any obligation to help these parents.
Anon says
It’s not fair to say something now. They were never told while it was an issue and now cannot take steps to fix it. Keep it to yourself.
OP says
Thanks, all. I had a feeling that there was no point in saying anything. I’m always second guessing myself on “say something or not” situations, and I think you all are right that there is really no good resolution for this kind of thing because nothing is really going to change.
Hmmm says
Everything changed! You completely fixed a terrible situation for your daughter who is now doing well and much happier for it. Forget those kids.
anon says
Does anyone have recs for long shorts for young boys with a small waist that will cover most of their legs? My four-year-old refuses to wear pants, which normally in SoCal would be fine, but it’s been particularly cold this winter thus far. I’m thinking back to my teens in the 90s when guys would wear super baggy cargo shorts that almost reached their calves. He wears a 4T or XS in boys. Thanks in advance!
Anon2 says
Those guys would also wear their shorts nearly off their butt, so I’m not sure they were that much longer! Maybe get drawstring shorts a size up and cinch the waist? Jumping Beans seem to be a little longer than our other brands…
Beyond that, can you tell if it’s a sensory thing at play or just a preference? My 7yo very much prefers shorts; I think there are minor sensory things going on so I don’t enforce any pants more than sweatpants, but he still says they make his legs itchy. That said, we have a boundary that he wears pants to school and can change at home. We live in New England, it’s 30 degrees, and yes he plays outside and goes to friends’ houses in shorts after school. He complained, but is abiding by it. (If it were a total meltdown sensory situation I may not be so strict, but I can tell it pushes him just enough to be acceptable). It’s part of learning that certain clothes are inappropriate for certain situations, and coming to a compromise you can both live with.
anon says
I don’t think it’s sensory, but that’s a good point. Definitely if we were in a truly cold climate I’d push it but even in the mornings here, it’s rarely below the low 50s, which is not warm to me, but he seems fine.
Anonymous says
I’m right there with you with my 5.5 year old: it’s a daily argument. I’ve seen some third grade boys wearing athletic style leggings under their basketball shorts, so I’m going to try that with mine. Think your kiddo would go for that?
anon says
This is a really good idea! Thank you – I may try that with him.
Anonymous says
I share custody of my elementary aged daughter. This morning she tested positive for covid while at her dad’s house. It sounds like he’s making her wear a mask in the house. This makes me irrationally upset. I want to bring her back to my house immediately and take the hit if I get covid, but my partner’s immune compromised mom’s birthday is this weekend and THE ONLY THING SHE WANTS is for her 3 children to come over for dinner, so I need to do my best to keep my partner healthy. Tell me making a kid wear a mask at home isn’t going to traumatize her??
EDAnon says
Wearing a mask at home will not traumatize her. I promise. It’s just a mask and she’s not a baby who might suffocate. I am assuming she can take it off in her room and it is just when she’s around others.
That being said, i would t make my kid wear a mask at home. I have the flu right now from one of my kids, so obviously, i am a suck it up and get sick kind of person.
Is someone in their family immunocompromised?
anon says
It will not traumatize her. It’s just a few days. She will be fine. Not the hill I’d chose to die on.
CCLA says
First of all sorry – it’s so stressful to figure out logistics on top of dealing with anyone actually feeling unwell. But unless there is some underlying sensory issue or the like I just don’t see masking being a big deal for a an elem kid, I would just make sure there’s a separate room with a door where she can go maskless (this will be needed for sleeping anyway, assuming it’s available). I’m guessing she like many other kids has been masking for a fair amount of time at some point over the past couple of years, even if not recently, so it’s probably a familiar concept.
FWIW when we had covid go through our house we all masked up in common areas at home because there were some of us who had it and some who didn’t. I think it was harder on me than the kids (4 and 6). They got to stay in their separate rooms with extra tv time and dutifully put their masks on when leaving their rooms.
Anon says
it will not traumatize her at all. we did some at home mask wearing when we had covid. is your daughter upset about the masking or just you are upset?
Anon says
It won’t traumatize her. I totally get the mama instinct to cuddle and care for sick kids, and I’d also have a hard time being away. But for most of the pandemic the rec has been for sick people to mask at home while around others. If she were a toddler that wouldn’t work, but I think about my own elementary school kids and I don’t think they’d have a problem (unless they were REALLY ill and had trouble breathing). Can you clarify if she just needs to wear it while in common areas of the house? Aka, alone in her room she wouldn’t need to (maybe they can add a TV for this time).
As a mom, I also would just take the hit and assume prevention is futile, but I don’t think dad is objectively out of line here.
Anonymous says
Thank you for the reassurance. It’s hard when your kid is sick and you can’t be there for them!
I don’t know of anyone in my daughter’s father’s family being immunocompromised but its possible something is going on with his parents that he didn’t mention, or in his girlfriend’s family.
EDAnon says
If it were me, I would assume someone is immunocompromised to make myself feel better 😀
Anon says
It will not traumatize her – she’ll be totally fine and it is a sensible precaution, especially if it’s a small house with mandatory shared space. Your partner’s immunocompromised mother probably hasn’t had a lot of social events to enjoy in three years now. It would be really rough to jeopardize that event when you don’t need to. I hope your daughter feels better soon!
Anonymous says
Sorry, but YTA here. When my kid gets sick I make her isolate in her bedroom and mask in shared spaces to avoid getting everyone else sick.
Anon says
Yeah, i made my 3 and 5 year olds mask with Covid… they were cool with it. I actually think she’ll probably fine with but it will be really helpful if you don’t mention it or make a big deal out of it.
anon says
You are way overreacting.
Anon says
This will not traumatize her. I agree with those that say she needs a space (presumably her bedroom) where she can go and not wear a mask, but we did this with preschoolers when we had covid and it was no problem. Also allowed my kid who was negative to continue to go to school and see friends, rather than catch covid and have a mandatory 5 days out of school. He was Annoyed occasionally, but not even remotely traumatized.
Anon says
Wearing a a mask while sick will not traumatize her. My 5 year old masks up around vulnerable family members when sick because she knows it’s the best way to avoid sharing germs. You’re way overthinking this.
Anon says
Go back and read posts from 12-18 months ago on this very s*te and you’ll see that a plurality (maybe majority) of commenters were requiring in-home masking for family members with Covid. It was (maybe still is) the CDC recommendation.
Emotionally, I suggest reminding yourself that your daughter’s dad loves her just as much as you do and is trying to make the safest choice he can under the circumstances.
anonn says
You will not traumatize her, and he is doing the right thing. We were the opposite, 3 of us were positive and we had our elementary aged daughter wear a mask around us and eat in a separate room (we wore masks around her too) for the first 3 or 4 days. She was fine and loved all the screen time she got. We were fine wearing masks while sick, though we went through a lot with all the sneezing. This strain is no joke, you don’t want it, and you don’t want to spread it. We both had the bivalent booster, otherwise healthy and I’m on day 23 of feeling like crap still.
Anon says
It’s nasty! My boss has had Covid four times and his most recent bout (a couple weeks ago) was by far the worst. He had the bivalent booster less than two months ago.
Anonymous says
Obviously not. He’s being responsible and you sound nuts.
anonamommy says
Reading the NYT article this morning about couples who stayed married but the wife moved out to have her own space and independence and…. wow, is that resonating with parts of me. I wish I didn’t live in a VHCOL area and could easily afford to do that. I love my husband but I miss the person I was before becoming a wife and a mother and am not really sure how to find her again.
Anon says
My husband and I have separate bedrooms, bathrooms and home offices. This is only possible because we live in an affordable area but for those who can afford it i bigly recommend it.
Unreliable Family says
Does anyone else have family that doesn’t follow through on what they say they’re going to do?
My parents are lovely people who live a hour away. They constantly are making and then cancelling plans at the last minute. I try so hard not to count on them coming when they say they will and not to tell the kids ahead of time, etc. But it’s hard in a tough stage of life with little kids to have someone offer help, say they’re coming, and then … maybe come or maybe not. They always have a reason (or list of reasons) that they use to justify their last minute change of plans. And I always tell myself I don’t know what they’re going to do and I just have to be flexible and not ever count on them. But man, I am so jealous of people who have reliable support systems. They have local grandkids who they show up for much more reliably, which adds to the sting.
This is a recurring problem that I have mostly learned to shrug off with moderate annoyance. But I’m having a tough week of solo parenting little kids with some other challenges making everything even harder than normal. I needed them to show up, like they offered to do and said they were going to do. And instead I get a list of excuses and “we know you need help, and I just feel so bad but….” And I just .. can’t.
anon says
This is unfortunate and it’s really hard to see parents seeming to care more about a sibling. The sting never totally goes away.
I think it’s helpful to just see it as the relationship you have. They don’t show up for you for most things and you’re not obligated to show up for them/do things that you don’t want to do to make them happy. You put your resources into building your life (hiring help, showing up for other people, etc). If you’re a Were You Raised by Wolves? listener, reseat your parents in your theater.
OP says
You’re so right. I’ve generally done (or tried to do) this. What I struggle with is when they offer and then I can’t seem to stop myself from being disappointed when they don’t come through, even though I’ve tried to prepare myself. The problem is sometimes they *do* come through, you just never know.
I knew better than to count on it this time, but I hoped anyway because we just didn’t have any other options this time unfortunately!
anon says
I am sorry. This is so hurtful and not excusable. I think you just … stop asking for help. The pain of counting on something but not really knowing if it’s going to materialize would be too much for me.
Anon says
AITA? My kid has always had a hard time standing still in one place. He likely has undiagnosed sensory issues, which I’m working to get him into an OT for more testing. His second grade teacher leads a daily activity where the kids have to stand up and do hand motions while they are repeating phonic lessons. The activity lasts about 5 minutes. My kid has reported to me several times that it is difficult for him to stand up during the entire exercise, so I asked his teacher if he can have a wobble seat during the activity. I just got off the phone with the teacher, and it’s pretty clear she thinks IATA.
From her perspective, the science of this activity says that standing up is better than sitting because it engages the brain differently. She confirmed that kid kind of slumps against his desk and does not participate. My suggestion is that they try a wobble seat for a week, and see if he does a better job with hand motions and repeating the words. She is ‘very concerned’ that he cannot stand up in one spot for 6 minutes, but agreed to try the wobble seat – likely to get me off the phone. She has not reported (and did not report today) any other disruptive behavior in the classroom (he is a pretty shy/quiet kid overall). My husband also thinks that he should just be able to stand up and learning to do things you don’t want to do is part of growing up. I think he is legitimately struggling with standing up, and if he engages better with the other parts of the activity (hand motions and verbalizing) while on a wobbly seat, isn’t that a better outcome than slumping against the desk and zoning out?
For context, this is the first time I have asked any teachers for an accommodation for my kids — and I am on year 5 of kids being in public schools. My family are all educators, and I really try not to overstep teachers in the classroom.
Tea/Coffee says
I am sure that other parents with more experience will chime in, but i would start working on an IEP or whatever it’s called in your district. Surely there’s some documentation that your ped could provide? If it’s a suspected disability, it needs to be addressed and accommodated in the classroom. The teacher might be thinking that it’s a potent issue and not a kid issue but a required plan might change that, in a way that does not require you to be the perceived bad guy
Anonymous says
I definitely don’t think YTA. But it sounds like you might need to get more doctors/experts involved here, both for documentation for accommodations and for advice on treatments and strategies. Good luck, I know it can be really hard to find and get appointments with the right medical professionals these days!
EDAnon says
I agree. You’re not being unreasonable knowing what you do about your kid. But I do get why the teacher (and your husband) feel as they do. I think having documentation would help ensure he gets what he needs.
You handled this well says
This sounds like a really reasonable accommodation pending evaluation.
Did you disclose that you’re working on getting your child in for evaluation? I think it’s reasonable for a teacher to be worried about a child who has trouble standing for 5 minutes and it might be comforting to hear that you’re working diligently on finding out what’s going on with the relevant professionals.
I don’t understand what the science behind the activity has to do with anything. Just because this activity theoretically works better standing or worked better standing for many children in a study doesn’t mean that doing this activity standing is best for every child. Clearly, your child is having trouble with it.
Anon says
your idea sounds totally reasonable to me, but i’m a bit confused. your kid is having trouble standing for 5 minutes or standing still for 5 minutes? if it is the standing still part i totally get that, but if it is actual standing, that is concerning! does he have trouble with other physical activity? if he can’t stand still, could he march in place, or do something with his legs while doing the hand motions? or is it more that his body is tired from standing and can’t multitask while doing something else at the same time?
Anon says
Is this Heggerty? I got a secondhand Heggerty education during 2021 remote Kindergarten. I do remember my kid having to stand for that. He “hated” it, but it seems like a beneficial program.
Can you tell if your kid really can’t stand still, or if he is either bored or overly challenged by the program and doesn’t want to pay attention/participate?
Clementine says
Very late, but funny story – I thought Heggerty was a person. Like, the teachers aides who come in (who my husband swears are called TeacherForce). I thought it was Ms. Smith and Ms. Heggerty and Ms. Jones… kid does daily behavior journal and if I would see he was struggling with ‘Heggerty’… I thought it was a teacher’s aide he didn’t listen to…
Imagine how confused my kid was about all those talks I gave him about how he needed to listen to the teacher’s aides just like his teacher…
Anon says
All really good questions. He is extremely athletic, but in perpetual motion on an athletic field. Going back to my notes – an evaluation we had done pre-COVID showed an “underdeveloped vestibular system,” which makes it hard for him to orient his body in space. Standing still has just always been a challenge for him. I did explain this all to the teacher, who didn’t seem super convinced by any of it. She pointed out another event where he was able to stand still (but it was a onetime event, not daily – it just takes a lot more concentration for him to keep his body totally still), and said that during the activity, they are moving their hands, so he’s not completely still. He takes a music lesson weekly, and I did tell her that he is pacing constantly during the lesson when he isn’t actively playing his instrument.
I agree that having the IEP in place would be helpful, but we aren’t there yet. I am feeling defeated that what seemed to be a pretty reasonable/easy accommodation (wobble seat for one week, we’ll work with him at home too) clearly raised the hackles of the teacher. It’s pretty clear she thinks he just doesn’t want to do it, and I’m letting him get out of doing something she wants him to do. But….at a base level, (1) he hasn’t asked to get out of other work before, (2) if the accommodation works, and he is more engaged in the activity, isn’t that a better outcome for everyone?
Anon says
Neither this teacher nor this activity will matter in the long run. You could just ask him to do his best and let it go.
Put another way, this exercise may not be helpful for him, but it helps other students. That’s fine as long as he learns phonics other ways. If he leans and zones out for 6 minutes a day, so what?
You may want this sorted for other reasons, but I wouldn’t go down any rabbit holes for just this as hand motion phonics isn’t a life skill nor essential for admission to Harvard.
Anon says
i understand why you feel annoyed. who knows, maybe the teacher was having a bad day and took it out on you? at first read, i can sort of get where the teacher is coming from because i also have a daughter with an underdeveloped vestibular system and she is in OT as well and it is hard for her to stand completely still for 5 minutes, granted she is also 4, but maybe there is another idea you have that still involves him standing up as it sounds like the issue is not that he cannot stand for 5 minutes, but that he can’t stand still. is there something he could stand on? or something he could do with his feet?
Pogo says
I’m with you on the fact that a wobble seat seems like such a minor accommodation to provide, particularly if she is the one bringing this to you as a concern. My kid also has spatial awareness issues during these standing exercise things they do, but the teacher didn’t ask that we do anything about it specifically. If the teacher is saying his lack of attentiveness is a problem, and you’re offering a solution you’re def NTA and I think you’re being pretty helpful. Or just leave it and honestly the teacher probably has bigger fish to fry and won’t bring it up again (assuming your kiddo’s reading is progressing as expected, which after all is the point of the phonics – not to be able to do the exercises while standing perfectly still).
anon says
If it’s a disability issue, then reach out to the school to start the 504 process. We’ve also tried to reach out to the teacher first, but when that doesn’t work requested a 504 plan so that we have a legal tool on our side.
Anonthistime says
I’d love to get your insight on my situation! Early on in the pandemic, our family moved several hours away to be close to my parents. We just weren’t able to handle childcare with the daycare closures etc. For the first year, my parents did the vast majority of our childcare (no easy feat). Then they helped out a bit for a few months (occasional daycare drop-offs, weekend babysitting, etc.) However, for the past six months, they have done essentially zero to help us (they see us socially but do not “help” if that makes sense). I completely understand that this is their prerogative. Unfortunately, we can’t seem to make things work without this extra help from my parents. We have a 6 yo in public school and a 1 yo in daycare. We both travel quite a bit for work (plus I have to commute to a city several hours a way once per week). I’m curious what others have done to make things work. I know we could hire more help but I’m a bit at a loss with what I should be asking them to do. Would nanny rather than daycare be better? I’m even starting to consider staying at home and wondering what factors to consider on that front. Any and all advice is appreciated!!!
anon says
Your travel-heavy jobs sound like a big part of the problem. What can you do on that front? Are these really your only job options? Having one parent that travels is hard enough, let alone two. If you must stay in your current jobs, I think you have to pony up for a nanny. Sounds like your parents were willing and able to provide help during the pandemic, but not as a long-term ongoing thing.
anonamommy says
Yes, this – unless your parents have explicitly offered, I think you have to drop them from consideration except for in extreme emergencies. I encourage you to think critically about where you could shift things and where you need help most – is it the one day a week that you travel, that could be filled with a well-paid sitter? Do you need someone both in the mornings and afternoons, or could you adjust your work hours enough that you could find someone just in the afternoons? It’s common in my area to have an “afternoon nanny” — often a college student — who works from 3-7 four days a week, doing school pickups, rides to afterschool activities, and putting dinner in the oven (not cooking, just like putting a premade lasagna in to heat up). They are paid about 25% more than a regular babysitter/nanny but for 16-20 hours a week, so the cost is less.
NYCer says
+1. Before you consider quitting your job, could you consider a new one that requires no travel? Also, I know there are lots of daycare proponents on this board, but our nanny truly makes our life so much easier. If cost isn’t a limiting factor, it might offer you some additional flexibility.
Anonymous says
There’s a lot here. First, I’d have a conversation with your parents: were they not expecting to help out long term? You need to get everyone’s expectations all on the same page. Second, my contract ended and I didn’t pick up another: instead we took placement of twins. So I’ve been jobless for 21 months now and it’s fine but it’s definitely not ideal. So I don’t think quitting your job outright should be your first choice. Can you ramp down? Find a job with less travel? Find a job that’s closer to you? Preferably both of this. TBH I don’t know how you’re doing this only with family help. I have a kindergartner and twins and as I said I’m not currently working. My twins are in day care part time and my mom helps out at lot and I have two babysitters on rotation and it’s still overwhelming sometimes. DH has a flexible job and my kindergartener is only in one activity because that’s all I can handle right now. I’d look into a nanny and job hunt hard.
Liza says
Yes, people in your situation typically have a nanny in addition to daycare and school. The nanny will cover the hours before and after school up to bedtime – whatever you’re expecting your parents to do, pay someone to do.
Anon says
For childcare help where the schedule varies, the best thing we’ve found is an au pair. We can set the schedule weekly. We put our preschooler in an inexpensive church preschool to stretch our au pair hours to cover some nights and weekends.
Clementine says
Yeah. We live close to family who like the idea that they’re helpful but… realistically they’re good for like a couple hours for one kid every few weeks. It’s day camp, not day care.
My other thing is that nothing is fee. You pay somehow. We ended up getting an au pair.
I’m also team ‘you can’t both have jobs with travel’. Husband’s job involves him being out of town for extended periods, so I switched to the job where I could leave the office before 5PM no matter what.
Anonymous says
Do you have space for an au pair? It sounds like that might be helpful in your situation. Or a nanny for the one-year-old who is willing to help with pickup/drop-off of the 6 year old if that is in the budget.
I also would not even consider my husband and I both having travel-heavy jobs. We don’t have help from family other than a couple hours on the weekends here and there. It’s hard enough for us with 2 full time working parents without any travel involved at all! Rather than considering being a SAHM, if I were you I would be trying my hardest to have either myself or my partner (or ideally both) find jobs that do not require much travel and only require hours that work with your childcare constraints. There are a lot more telework options these days!
I was a SAHM for 2 years after I totally burnt out at work, so I’m not against that option. But I knew I was going to rejoin the workforce after a break, and I am ultimately much happier working a job with good work-life-balance than being a SAHM. I hope you can find an opportunity that works for you!
Anonymous says
We’re dealing with a similar situation, with travel ramping up for both me and DH. My parents have helped once or twice when we’ve had overlapping travel, but if it continues, I think we’re going to reevaluate our care plan and get a nanny in addition to preschool. If it makes you feel any better, my parents like to be helpful, but it’s super different to ask them to deal with lots of logistics and overnights and taking the trash out on the right day than it is to have them hang out with the kids after school every now and then. At a certain point you just need an employee.
Anonymous says
One of my twins keeps taking his pjs and diaper off in the morning. He’s 21 months: he’s been doing it for a couple of weeks now. I don’t really care about the stripping but he’s started peeing in his crib and it’s gross and I don’t have time to wash all his bedding every single day. I tried switching to pull-ups but that didn’t help. I honestly think it’s a sensory thing. What do I do? Start potty training? Take him to the bathroom in the morning? Tape his pjs on? I’m at a loss here.
Anon says
Put sleep sack on backwards? Put a snaps cloth diaper cover over the regular diaper?
Anon says
You can put footless zippered PJs on backwards so the zipper is in the back. Some people will instead duct tape the diaper on.
anonM says
Get zip-up PJs (either the kind with no feet, or cut the feet off), and then put it on backwards so he can’t get it off.
So Anon says
Have you tried cutting the feet out of footie pjs and then putting the pjs on backwards?
EDAnon says
I would try taking him to the bathroom right away in the morning (assuming it is at a reasonable -ish hour).
OP says
He doesn’t unzip the pjs, he slides out the neck hole like a snake. I guess that means they’re too big. I’ll still try them backwards and probably also try a cloth diaper over his nighttime diaper.
Anotheranon says
I’m sorry, this sounds super frustrating, but I cackled at “he slides out the neck hole like a snake” so thank you.
anonM says
OP, this is so frustrating. My son did this, and smeared poo. He was also very hard to potty train, and still frequently purposely pees all over the toilet. So, first, solidarity. It is annoying AF. Second, my suggestion is that you start now with trying to having him “help” clean up. I’m not saying yell at him and and force his hands or anything, but he should at least be with you while you clean it up, and walk with you to put it in the laundry,etc. The mess getting magically cleaned every day may not help him see what a PITA this is! (And, gross and unsanitary, I get it!). If he is as much like my son as he sounds, I would also suggest easing into potty training. Get in the routine of having him try to pee before naps/bedtime/leaving the house. But, don’t rush potty training before he’s emotionally ready for it.
Anonymous says
My 2-year-old has the memory of an elephant, unfortunately. I tried to do a toy purge a couple weeks ago, and she started tearing apart her room this past weekend, demanding to know where her giraffe went. She was looking for Sophie, which she hasn’t been interested in in almost a year. Facepalm.
Anon says
yesterday my 4 year old went to change into a princess dress while I was cleaning up dinner and when I reminded her to put her clothes in the hamper she informed me “princesses don’t touch dirty clothes.” i could barely stop myself from laughing
Anon says
Haha, I love that!