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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
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- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Covid TV says
Well, 2.5 years in we finally got covid. The whole family. Of course I’m the sickest. We’ll be leaning on lots of screen time for 2 year old. Other than Sesame Street, he doesn’t typically watch much TV. Looking for recommendations for other toddler friendly shows/movies (we have Disney+, HBO and Netflix). Thanks!
anonM says
PBS Kids! Daniel Tiger is a fav, and teaches some good lessons. The Snowflake Day episode has some very catchy songs. Netflix has Waffles and Mochi – very cute and one adult usually like/tolerate as well. Neflix also has a cute reboot of Magic School Bus. Good luck, hope you feel better quickly!
Anonymous says
On Youtube there is a 4 hour compilation of a ton of Elmo’s World segments, that has kept us going on many a sick afternoon. Also if you happen to have read any Mo Willems pigeon books, there are short cartoons on HBO Max (I think the show is titled Mo Willem’s Storytime Shorts) and they’re really entertaining.
SC says
The Mo Williams shorts were available from my library system through Hoopla, so check there if you have a library card/account. They are hilarious!
NYCer says
I know many people on this board are not a fan, but my daughters liked Peppa Pig a lot at that age.
Hmm says
I love Peppa Pig!
Anon says
I like Peppa too
TheElms says
On Netflix, I liked Trash Truck, Gecko’s Garage and Puffin Rock for young 2s because they are very sweet/gentle. We also at 3.5 now have also watched Penguin Town, Storybots, Octonauts (all pretty ok), Shaun the Sheep, Magic School Bus and Spirit (less liked by the parents).
TheElms says
I should mention Penguin town has some scary parts where seals chase the penguins and I think a penguin may die. And there is discussion of penguins mating and baby penguins (in case your kid connects the dots and asks about where babies come from and you just don’t want to deal with those questions when everyone is sick!)
Anon says
Number blocks is cute too if your kid likes story bots. Similar style but counting and math.
Anon says
2.5 year old loves octonauts, magic school bus (new and old version), most anything on pbs kids app.
Lately he’s gotten into rescue riders on Netflix which is a spin off of how to train your dragon and also Lego Jurassic park which might be a little scary for a 2yo.
He was into peppa for a bit but not lately. Occasionally will tolerate bluey and paw patrol but we don’t have cable so we only watch snippets on YouTube.
He’s been sick a lot the past few months so our tv repertoire has grown. The only one the adults dislike is paw patrol.
Anon says
Supermonsters (Netflix), Esme and Roy (HBO), Cocomelon (not my personal favorite but kid loved it Netflix), Rainbow Ruby (Netflix)
AIMS says
You have good suggestions. At this age, my kids also really liked the Sing movie – because it’s mostly songs they could tune in and out like little videos.
Hope you all feel better soon!
Anonymous says
Get the PBS kids app. Daniel Tiger, Sesame Street, Mr Rogers. Mine also like Molly of Denali and Jelly Ben and Pogo…I think Clifford might be good at 2 as well. A lot of content. And there is also PBS kids games app, my 2yo is really into the making halo halo game (Jelly Ben and Pogo).
Netflix had Llama Llama. Can try Bluey on Disney+ but might be a little young. If you have Amazon, Stinky and Dirty is a favorite for mine.
Hope everyone is feeling better soon!
anonM says
Potty training tip. I probably got the idea here originally, but just sharing in case anyone else could use the tip. DD is about 3, and 99% potty-trained. At night, we have been doing a “dream potty” sort of like a dream feed. Right before we go to bed, we take her out of bed and set her on the potty. It sometimes takes a few minutes but she always does go, and then rarely wets the bed. (When we forget, she usually wets the bed at 4/5am, making me think she’s very close to being able to make it all night, but not there quite yet.) I don’t think I’d heard of this or thought of it for kiddo #1 but wish I had!
TheElms says
I’m curious about night training. I have a 3.5 year old and she is still in a pull up for nap (although increasingly she does not nap and just plays) and overnight. She has never once woken up dry from either as far as I know. She doesn’t fight the pull up and it doesn’t seem to be causing any problems. Is there a reason to try to night train now (like it will be harder later) or can I just wait until she starts waking up dry?
Anonymous says
I did the latter, but half thinking it wouldn’t happen because my son was using the pullup out of convenience, and lo and behold, he woke up dry one morning when he was 4 and has never once wet the bed. He wasn’t potty trained until 3.5, and had small but frequent daytime poo accidents for…years really, but night training was a non event for us. I guess not wanting to pay for pull ups would be a motivating factor!
NYCer says
With my older daughter, we just waited until she started waking up dry. I can’t remember how old she was, but it was fine and easy. I also have a 3.5 yo, and we are doing the same thing again. Like your daughter, she wears a diaper at nighttime and rarely wakes up dry (she doesn’t nap anymore). Just riding it out…
Anon says
I’m sure this is kid-dependent, but mine never woke up dry before we started doing night-training. We did it when they were 3, had been day-trained for a year, and had stopped using pull-ups for naps 6 months ago (because daycare said they always woke up dry so it wasn’t worth changing them). We kind of expected them to have a lot of accidents at first, but it turns out they were staying dry all night and then just peeing a ton in their diapers when they first woke up, because why not. When we put them to bed in underwear, they’d go pee in the toilet when they got up instead. My kids might be extremely unusual in this sense, but could be worth trying it for a couple nights with your kid and seeing what happens.
Anonymous says
We kept ours in pull-ups at night until it was obvious she was peeing in the pull-up after she woke up.
Anonymous says
It’s super kid-dependent. 2 of my kids just magically were night-trained with zero effort from us at 3 and 4, respectively. And then the other one is almost 8 and still regularly wets the bed despite all our best efforts. The only thing that consistently works is if she stays up really late and uses the bathroom again at like 10pm (except then she’s often a monster the next day because she’s tired). We’ve tried doing dream pees at 11-midnight ish before we go to bed, but she’s often already wet the bed by then. I know she’ll grow out of it, but omg so much laundry.
Ashley says
FWIW we saw an ENT recently for my 5yo’s snoring and learned there is a least a correlation between bedwetting and sleep-disordered breathing (which is what we have due to enlarged tonsils/adenoids). Maybe something to consider?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I see no reason to night train unless your kid is really past the range of normal (which is closer to 8/9 I think). Night dryness is more hormonal and varies from kid to kid. For our older kid, he didn’t wake up dry until around age 6 and we didn’t do any training, just took his pullup off once he was dry for a week or so. Younger kid was waking up dry between 3.5-4 and so we took off his pullup then.
anonM says
I think for some kids that is fine, but DS was very hard to potty train and we finally had to follow a strict potty training plan and tell him we got rid of all diapers, but then it went pretty quickly. Kid #2 wanted to potty train and fought wearing pull ups (like, screaming, crying, ripping them off). In that case, you kind of have to night train because you can’t really keep a diaper on a 2.5yo who doesn’t want to wear one. But I do agree with you that if you don’t have those types of circumstances, you can just wait!
AwayEmily says
This is my take as well — just wait til it happens naturally. My older woke up dry when she was around 5, we took her pullup off and she hasn’t had an accident since. It was like the flip of a switch; happened within a week. My younger is almost 5 and still not waking up dry.
Chl says
My kids never woke up dry. They were super sound sleepers. We used the Thera-pee alarm when they were 8 and after 3 weeks or so they have been dry ever since.
Anonymous says
interesting…someone suggested this to me when mine was that age, but i never did it. pullups and a mattress cover made more sense for my family than disrupted sleep (ours, or kiddos)
my kid outgrew bedwetting long before it would have become a medical issue.
anon says
I seriously wanted to shake my DH this morning. One of his staff members and his wife are having a baby soon, and their office is throwing a small baby shower today. He was so proud of not going shopping for a gift and just giving the (women) staff members money to put together a gift basket for the team. LIKE OF COURSE, IT’S THE WOMEN who are taking time from their schedules to buy the onesies and diapers, while the dudes are going to show up and eat cake and feel “supportive.” Of f*cking course.
I may be a bit testy because I put him in charge of buying his mom’s Christmas gifts because I’m doing literally all of the other gift buying. Great, glad to have it off my plate and should’ve done it years ago. But last night, his question was, where do I buy bath towels? My dude, you have an MBA and are an operations director. Figure it out.
Anon says
Commiseration. My husband is in charge of his parents gifts this year. I know he hasn’t ordered them and it’s taking all my will power not to remind/ask him. I bought each of his parents another small gift (“from our kids”) so if he forgets we at least have something to give them. Lately I’m trying to let him drop the balls.
Anonymous says
It’s definitely not something to be proud of.
NYCer says
I guess I am an outlier here, but this doesn’t seem like that big of an issue to me? It is super common for one person in an office to coordinate a group gift for a co-worker’s office baby shower.
Anonymous says
Yep. At my husband’s office shower there were two groups that went in together on big gifts off our registry, which we appreciated more than the random onesies because I was in grad school and we had no money.
anon says
Agree, it’s common for one or two people to take the lead on these things in an office. It’s just that OF COURSE this job falls to a woman. Like every other gift-giving responsibility. I just want him to acknowledge that!
Anon says
When was the last time a man a) volunteered for that job and b) managed the entire process without delegating to a woman? Never been done in my office…
Aunt Jamesina says
Yup, this. It’s always a woman, even in my “progressive” workplace.
anon says
At my law firm, handling collection for gifts for anything was the designated job of the newest associate in the practice group. That included laterals, btw – if you were a lateral senior associate, it was your job until new first-years or another lateral came in the door. If two people started on the same day, they handled it jointly. It was a good system.
Aunt Jamesina says
So smart!
GCA says
Did you tell him that it’s not something to be proud of, and that he can take turns with his colleagues to volunteer to coordinate the next one? And also that he has an MBA and is literally an operations director and can figure towel-buying out like a grown adult?
Vicky Austin says
Grrrr, right there with you. Reminded my husband 3x at least since Thanksgiving that his mom’s birthday is coming up. Yesterday he says to me, “Do we have a birthday gift for my mom?”
No, in fact, *WE* do not. (Also an MBA and an operations director, ha.)
Aunt Jamesina says
Don’t remind. Let it fall to him. It’s awesome, trust me!
Vicky Austin says
No further reminders from me! Ugh.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Tell him to put this on their performance reviews and give them an outstanding and a bonus. Seriously. The way to value this work is to actually value it. And set up a rotation among the men and women so everyone contributes.
startup lawyer says
THIS IS A GREAT IDEA (it won’t get done though)
Aunt Jamesina says
My policy is that all gifts, cards, and event arrangements with my in-laws are 100% my husband’s responsibility. It would never occur to him to send my mom a birthday card or get a Father’s Day gift for my dad, why should I be expected to do it for his family?
anon says
Present help! We don’t have a TV, which means my kids don’t ever watch commercials (and neither do we–this is not a value judgement at all, we just don’t have a TV). We recently went on vacation where our kids got their fill of commercial filled TV watching. When i asked my 7 year old what she wanted for xmas, she said she wanted a unicorn that grows when you feed it. She said she saw a commercial for it, most likely on Disney channel or something. What is this thing? I found some unicorns that seem to grow when you put them in water, but that doesn’t sound like what she’s talking about. Any thoughts? TIA!
anon says
Was it a magic mixie, maybe?
Anonymous says
A chia pet?
Anonymous says
Thanks to everyone who chimed in yesterday about twin stripping and peeing the bed. Kids are so weird. I went in about 15 minutes early and he was lying down clothed but awake. So I got him up, put a fresh diaper on and we snuggled.
Anon says
Does anyone have a suggestion for what to tell kids about why people who don’t celebrate Christmas don’t get gifts from santa? Kiddo is 4 and, for the first time, realizing that not everyone gets gifts from Santa. She hasn’t asked yet about why Santa doesn’t give gifts to everyone but has talked about hoping certain people do celebrate because she wants them to get gifts, so I’m hoping there’s an explanation that makes it not a sad thing that some of her friends and family (DH’s side is Jewish) don’t get gifts from Santa. My gut reaction was that they get gifts anyway, but was hoping to not turn Santa into someone who only gives gifts to those who hold certain beliefs.
Anon says
Santa only brings presents to kids that celebrate Christmas. He can tell by the Christmas tree or stockings. Kids who don’t celebrate Christmas get presents from their parents or grandparents on other occasions.
Hmmm says
I’d explain that some families don’t celebrate Christmas, and many of them celebrate other holidays instead. Santa respects their traditions/wishes/beliefs.
Anon says
+1. This is both simple and explanatory enough for most kids. “Our family doesn’t do that” is another approach I’ve heard but I can’t imagine it being effective.
Anon says
I dunno we’re Jewish and pretty matter of fact about the fact that we don’t celebrate Christmas and do Hanukkah instead. “Different people do things differently” is a full sentence. If someone says something to her about Christmas or Santa my 4 year old she will cheerfully reply “I’m not a Christmas. I’m a Hanukkah!”
Aunt Jamesina says
That is so cute!
Anon says
I mean, Santa is someone who only gives gifts to those who hold certain beliefs, right? I guess I don’t see why that’s something you’re trying to avoid.
I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who was raised celebrating Christmas, but now has a Jewish spouse and kids so we don’t do Christmas at home. Starting at 3 or 4 we were just pretty matter of fact about how some families celebrate Christmas, but we celebrate Hanukkah, and some families don’t have any winter holiday, and all of those things are okay.
Anon says
i have two 4 year olds. we just tell them we are jewish and so we don’t celebrate christmas. my daughter met santa at a holiday party. she was very interested in talking to him and sitting on his lap and we explained to him that we don’t celebrate christmas. after the party, one of my daugthers asked me that if Santa brings christmas presents, then who brings Hanukkah presents, and I explained that mommies and daddies and grandmas and grandpas etc. give the gifts. why is it bad if Santa only gives gifts to those who hold certain beliefs.
Anonymous says
You might be overthinking this. You can just share that Santa is just for people who celebrate Christmas. She might get briefly upset, but that’s ok. Hey, we are Jewish and we just talk to the kids about all the different holidays. My 4 year old was recently pretty upset that some of his friends only have a few holidays compared to him (we are relatively observant so just this fall we’ve had 5 or so major holidays already) and it’s ok for him to feel those feelings.
FP says
I realize this is not quite the same but I’ve used the “Different families do things differently!” to explain why our house does not have an Elf on the Shelf. “Oh, I bet our family does it differently! We have Advent calendars with chocolates. Everyone finds a way to celebrate at this time of year and different families do things differently!”
Family support says
A couple of the posts yesterday made me wonder how many people here have extended family support and what that looks like for you.
Context: We have family within an hour’s drive, but they aren’t able/willing to watch our kids. We see them socially, and when we moved back to the area, they promised all kinds of help, but that help has never materialized for a variety of reasons.
Meanwhile, I left my firm early last year for a less “demanding” job, and have a lot of feelings/regrets about it if I’m being honest. Recently, though, I realized that every one of the female attorneys with kids either 1) also left during/after covid, or 2) has significant extended family help—ranging from a couple with full time grandparent care to, more commonly, family members who step in on sick days, early outs, during travel, etc. I don’t think that’s the norm elsewhere (and it wasn’t the case pre-covid). But it made me start to consider the extent to which my struggles were the result of a lack of support rather than my own inability to juggle all the balls.
I don’t wish so much for regular child care from family as that’s something we can mostly replace with paid help (albeit at a cost + time investment.) But I do wish I had family as a safety net for situations when we are really in a pinch. And maybe it’s reasonable that certain jobs expect this. Sigh.
Anonymous says
My parents live 10 minutes away, are in their early 70s, retired, and generally in good health. We moved to be near them when my older child was 1. We have always had daycare for little kids, but it has been incredibly helpful that they help out on many school closure days, teacher planning days, etc. pre Covid, they helped a lot more with minor illnesses. Less so now for that. They also helped 3 days a week with zoom school, praise be. With the exception of early Covid quarantine and a period of time where one of my parents was dealing with a major illness, they often babysit as well. Having that relief net is extremely helpful, particularly so when I couldn’t easily work remotely and when the kids were little enough that it was hard to work with them home.
Anne-on says
I was thinking about this last night too. We have zero local family (as I said, all about 3 hours away) and so all of our help is paid help. It is really, really hard to find, vet, and coordinate plus expensive to boot. Am I jealous of friends/family/coworkers that have help?
Yup, but then again I also have the freedom of knowing my sitters/au pairs will follow my directions for childcare without arguing with me about how they used to do it/ignoring my wishes. This just came up on thanksgiving as we all found out my mom had given my nephew hot ‘tea’ (with a shot of alcohol!) to help him sleep when he had a bad cold recently. My brother kind of shrugged it off like ‘lol, boomers gonna boomer’, my SIL had to take a minute in another room to calm down and I informed my mom that was NOT OK and truly dangerous. She seemed chastened but, still wtf?!? So…silver lining?
anon says
Holy sh!t, that’s bad!
Anon says
Yeah, that would be “you’re never watching my child again” territory for me.
Aunt Jamesina says
I’ve heard of parents from the Boomer and earlier generations rubbing a bit of alcohol on gums for teething, but an actual shot of alcohol is not at all normal for that generation!
Vicky Austin says
Oh man, your poor SIL. Good for you for sticking up for your nephew.
Anon says
Was it an actual full shot? That’s a lot. But if it was more like a spoonful of alcohol it might not be such a big deal. Young kids do have alcohol as part of religious ceremonies in many cultures. I scandalized a bunch of other preschool moms by telling them I add (70 proof) vanilla extract to my kid’s yogurt every day. Not very much of it though.
Anne-on says
Unsure of the actual amount, she kind of mimed it and it was definitely a 1, 2 count pour (as in you pour, count 1, 2, then stop) so way more than a teaspoons worth! Who knows how much of it the kid actually drank but not ok.
Both of my parents are problem drinkers and yet I’m the one who gets grief about why they can’t have overnights/trips with my kid. Uh, you kind of just told on yourself there…
anon says
We have family nearby, but very little in the way of practical support, for a variety of reasons. It sucks, it sometimes hurts my feelings, and I’m jealous of people who have grandparents willing and able to pitch in for date nights, random days off school, pickups, etc. DH and I can both flex our time to some extent, but it can be lonely to know it’s all on us. I also am eternally grateful for reliable before/after school care. (And then people wonder why we’re more nuclear-family oriented.)
AwayEmily says
My mom lives 25 minutes away and we use her as a safety net. Unfortunately she is not really able to handle all 3 kids, so we can’t use her as a babysitter, but she can watch one at a time when someone has a half day or non-COVID illness (e.g. pinkeye). She does often end up just letting them watch shows on her phone, which isn’t my favorite, but because she’s not a regular caregiver I just let her do her thing.
Mary Moo Cow says
For us, it looks like this: DH’s parents moved from another state shortly after our first child was born. They live 10 minutes away and, for the first few years of both kids lives, babysat two full days a week and occasionally covered nights out. When kids transitioned to 5 day daycare, they became semi-regular nighttime babysitters and occasional pinch hitters (when DD was no longer sick but out for the fever waiting period, for example.) When kids reached elementary school, grandparents became afterschool care 2 days a week, pinch hitters for when kids were not too sick or DH or me were sick, and frequent night/overnight babysitters. Having them close by and willing to watch the kids, even when the kids are sick, really takes a weight off me. (I usually decline when kids are truly sick and DH and I negotiate who takes off or WFH.) Neither of us have big jobs, but we do have court appearances (me) and meetings (him) that sometimes can’t be rescheduled, and in that case, the in laws are very helpful.
anonM says
This is very much societal and not just that you aren’t trying hard enough! Even with a great family support system, it is hard. I think it is exacerbated by other societal issues, like grandparents who can’t afford to retire can’t really cover sick days. Two working parents with little family support is just hard.
Anon says
No family support. My parents live 600 miles away, my husband’s parents live further. Siblings are all 600+ miles away. And husband’s parents would never be trusted alone with our children. My mom can help out when we’re around but I wouldn’t leave her alone with them (she’s capable but little kids have too much energy for her).
Two big jobs, a 9-5 nanny. One toddler and a baby due early 2023.
It will definitely get more expensive and complicated as they get older.
Anon says
I’m an only child and my parents moved to our small city when my only kid was 3. I’m extremely grateful. For now (DD is 5 and still in daycare) they mostly provide emotional support. They’re very close with my kid and she and they are both so thrilled they get to spend so much time together. But when they spend time with her, it mostly replaces paid childcare (they do a lot of early pickups) or weekend sleepovers which is nice but doesn’t really help with work. I do not have a big job and DH has a big-ish job and works long hours but has a ton of flexibility, so we don’t really need afterhours care.
We expect things to change this fall. They’re going to help with aftercare and summer care and that will take them more into the logistical support category. We’ll see how it goes but so far they have been very reliable and compliant with our requests. I also think DH and I have done a good job about being hands off and letting them make their own rules about anything that’s not a safety issue. They generally do things pretty similarly to us but we don’t worry if there are extra sweets at their house or things like that.
My parents are in their 70s but still active and very competent at childcare (just saying that because I see a lot of comments about age).
Lizard says
We have no family support. It may help you to reframe a “lack” of family support as the people who do have it having “bonus” family support – it shouldn’t be seen as the default. I like the podcast Best of Both Worlds because they are unabashed about hiring childcare to fill gaps between “normal” childcare and other childcare needs.
What is it exactly that you’d like your parents to be doing that they’re not? For sick days, many legal employers offer sick days – if you had to you could take the day off right, or honestly don’t many of us WFH these days so you could let your employer know hey I have a sick kid and I’ll be WFH?
For early release days, how many of those are there per school year, 5 or 6? Could you take those afternoons off, or again step away to pick the kids up and WFH the rest of the day? Or put them in an extended-day program that covers early release days?
During travel, what would the grandparents do that the non-traveling parent can’t do? Presumably you already have childcare during non-working hours.
Lizard says
*working hours
Anon says
but not all jobs with long hours come along with that money to pay for all of that additional childcare, plus some of it is the stress of it all – you have to find, vet and pay for all of that additional help. i for one, do not get a separate sick day bank, so yes i could use up all my PTO to cover kid sick days, but then we’d never go on vacation. i posted below, but what could the grandparent do that the non-traveling parent can’t do, well when both kids are sick and DH is out of town, grandparent could come over and help with dinner/bedtime, (we have a nanny but she can’t stay that late unplanned), grandparent could run out to buy tylenol or pick up prescription so i dont have to drag sick kid with me, could help me with some errands, etc.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My parents live about 30 minutes away and are a big support for us. They moved to our state when our oldest was born, with the explicit expectation that they would help out. My dad is retired so is our primary go to for sick days, elementary school days off, some vacation days, and he also picks up our 1st grader twice a week and watches him until 5:30ish. He helps with sports practices during the week too. Our younger one is not in public school yet, so I imagine we’ll rely on him more when there are two on that schedule. We do still have aftercare 3 days a week and full time daycare, because full time care is not something my dad could provide! They also come occasionally for date nights, Sunday mornings, and take the kids if we do a couples trip. My parents do way more screen time and sweets than we do, but it’s a price we accept for all of their help. I realize how lucky we are, and to also have a good relationship with them.
For my side, a lot of it is cultural, i.e. most people live in multi-generational households in their home country, but also their personalities of being reliable but not (too) overbearing. I hope to continue that if my kids have kids.
Anon says
I moved back to my home city in my mid 20s because I knew I wanted to settle down near family so figured I might as well start building my life there sooner rather than later and if I dated in my city I’d be more likely to find a partner willing to live here long term. I had to make professional sacrifices and pivot my career to move back but socially, emotionally and economically it was the right move.
I live 15 mins from my parents and 5 minutes from my FIL and 2 blocks from BIL and SIL. ILs are less helpful: FIL was a mediocre father and still works so isn’t very available or interested. My parents are semi retired and are extremely helpful. We probably see them socially 2x a week. They never provided childcare in lieu of daycare and we don’t use them as nighttime babysitters, but they do almost all of our “pinch hitting” childcare: sick days, early dismissals, random days off school.
My ILs in the neighborhood have younger kids than I do so we end up helping them more than they help us. My ILs are fine but can be challenging but we suck it up in the name of family helping family. The kids just end up playing together so it’s not much extra work.
Anon says
Other relevant info: my grandparents provided very similar support when my siblings, cousins and I were kids so this is kind of the de facto arrangement in my extended family. I’d always assumed that I’d be able to rely on family to pinch hit childcare, carpools, etc.
My parents are in their 70s and very active and physically and mentally competent. Like, they take the kids swimming and my dad can still throw them around in the water, they’ll take my kids to go play tennis (mom plays competitively 2x a week), take the kids on bike rides.
My parents allow a little more screen time and a little more junk food than our norm at home but they mostly have similar rules than we do (admittedly I parent similarly to how I was raised). My FIL doesn’t watch them often but when he does it’s way more TV and way more junk food than normal. It honesty doesn’t bother me – what are grandparents for if not to spoil grandkids? If that’s going to lead to good memories of going to Pop’s house, then fine by me.
Anon says
we have no local family support. in an absolute emergency we could ask my MIL to fly here, but my mom passed away a few years ago and I always thought when I had kids even though she would also be flying distance away she would be very available for both physical and emotional support. she would have happily flown halfway across the country whenever i needed her (money is not an issue) and would have provided so much emotional support. my dad means well and does provide some financial support, though we don’t need it, but he cant really watch both kids on his own at this age. most of my friends have some family childcare help, even if not on a regular basis, then sporadically or if they can’t go to something at school, they have a local grandparent they can send. i have one friend whose parents don’t provide regular childcare, but they have dinner at her parents’ house every Friday, which is one less meal to cook, and often hang out there on weekends. i work part time, DH has a big job, and we have a part-time nanny and often feel like i’m drowning. honestly, covid in some ways changed our life for the better – last week both kids were sick and DH was out of town. we had our nanny during the day, but i was up all night, sleeping with a kid in my bed for a full week, had to run the kids to the doctor, both kids home from school, etc. thank goodness i can now WFH so I could sort of due the bare minimum at work, not have to use up my PTO and then take a nap when needed. it absolutely sucked. i was just texting with another friend whose mom is deceased and we were both venting about how different our parenting experiences would be if we still had our moms. we both have decent relationships with our in laws, but it’s not at all the same. if i worked full time or also had a big job, we’d need a lot more paid help and we already outsource a lot
Anon says
We both work full time and don’t have family support. I think there’s more of us out there than you think! We’ve been known to fly my inlaws in for a weekend where we needed to travel (does that count?) but in terms of day to day we rely on paid help.
anonn says
In laws are an hour away but help whenever we ask. We mostly use them for trips, max has been 4 nights, they stayed at our house and watched all the grandkids, did all my laundry and mowed the lawn. I am so grateful for them; I know I hit the jackpot. My mom is in town but can’t help with childcare for health reasons. My job is flexible enough that I can almost always work from home or take a day off and care for a sick kid. though the last month has stretched this to an extreme.
Anonymous says
We have none basically – nearest family is 6+ hours away.
Anonymous says
We chose our city with no family for 3.5 hours.
My parents lived 3.5 and 4 hours away respectively; my brother 3.5 hours and my sister and DH’s parents across the country.
Right before COVID my mom moved a 10 minute drive away. She’s sort of backup for us. She works as a teacher so isn’t any help during the school day. She’s basically a third working adult that we can ask to do a PM pickup or babysit on the weekends (obviously with notice/not all the time). I have 3 kids so she’ll often take one for a sleepover.
Anon says
I have my family close by but none of them are capable of taking care of my kids. My parents are too old and sick. My siblings have a bunch of kids and jobs of their own so we’d only ask in a true emergency. My in laws are a little more helpful but still not capable of caring for my kids solo. My MIL had lung cancer so we really really don’t want her to get sick from my kids. You can do it all right and still have no options.
Nope none at all says
We have zero family support on a day to day basis. Both sets of grandparents are dead. Siblings are mostly older and far away. Our daughter went to daycare and now public school with an aftercare program. I downshifted to government work before having a child, previously was at a firm. I have a lot of PTO and an understanding job but it does require 9-5 face time (occasional remote work allowed). My husband works from home. We use sitters for date nights and we divide and conquer everything day to day. The first few years were rough. We have been blessed with no health issues, if something happened, i know my one sibling far away would be drop everything if i needed him.
I admit I am very jealous of people with healthy grandparents. I remember doing school drop off and someone had grandma there and my daughter was just so sad, she had no grandma. Count your blessings, seriously.
Anon4this says
No family support. Grandparents all live a 3 hour flight away and even if they were closer none can handle both kids (or even 1 kid now that the baby is heavier) on their own. I have no siblings and my husband’s sibling is not trustworthy. Two big law jobs (1 partner / 1 counsel), 8-6 nanny, and we have a sometimes evening nanny/weekend sitter but she’s not reliable enough and we need to find someone more reliable. It is just really stressful and doesn’t feel especially sustainable.
Anon. says
We don’t have local family support as grandparents are 2.5 and 5.5 hours away. However, all grandparents are in good health and able to care for our toddler and kindergartner. We feel really lucky to have them available when things get really crazy. My mom drove the 5.5 hours to stay with the kids for a few nights when my husband and I had overlapping work trips. And we have left the kids at my in-laws 2.5 hours away so we can do adult long weekends. It is a lot of logistics/driving and I wish they were closer, but I also don’t know to live where they live (both are very rural).
Clementine says
Theoretically, I have family support. In practice, we got an au pair because people like the idea of helping more than they actually help.
Husband travels extensively for work so I do a lot of solo parenting. Sister is 5 miles down the road, she and her husband have no kids and fairly flexible jobs but she has watched one kid for exactly 45 minutes 2 years ago. This was COVID times and I desperately needed an x-ray of my (broken) foot while husband was out of town and couldn’t bring the baby in the office because of COVID rules. Would maybe help if I literally was admitted to the hospital.
My mother moved close because she wanted to help with the kids; however, she doesn’t actually want to provide childcare when I need it. She will watch one kid for 2-3 hours and then be mad that I ‘use her for childcare’ so I need to be careful that I am only asking her for help in a 1:3 ratio that I am asking her to do something fun or social. Yes, this is very easy as a full time working mom of 3 kids whose husband is away for work for months, as you can imagine. She’s going through something so I’m working on being supportive and part of that is that I can never acknowledge that I’m overwhelmed.
Inlaws are helpful when available – they are busy retirees – but expect that we will drive kid to them and pick kid up after work. With rush hour traffic (they live in a far out suburb) this means at least 90 minutes on either end of my day, so we’re looking at leaving the house at 6:30 and not getting home until 6PM at the earliest.
The actual person who is helpful is probably my bestie who has a big Job and 2 kids of similar age. I’ll take her 2 kids and vice versa. She’s the person I can turn to in a pinch and vice versa.
But yeah. Got an au pair because people like the idea of helping but not actually helping. Would love to go on a vacation with just my husband but figuring out who would stay with the kids is HARD.
Snow Boots says
Best snow boots for kids? I have a 4.5 year old who evidently grew like 4 sizes in the last 12 months. We’re in Boston so get a good amount of snow, so these are going to school for playground use and will be used when we go up skiing, etc. Not sure how I got to nearly 5 years with a kid and can’t identify a good snow boot brand…. oof. TIA.
Target says
We just buy the ones from Target and they work well!
AwayEmily says
My kids really like Bogs. They seem kind of heavy to me but my kids substantially prefer them to other boots we’ve gotten as hand-me-downs. It’s also nice that they are so easy for kids to take on and off and don’t require any fiddly Velcro.
AwayEmily says
Oh, and I should say we live in a very snowy area and do a lot of sledding/snow play and I have never gotten any complaints about cold feet in them.
Anne-on says
We’ve done Keen, Kamik, and Sorel boots. My kid’s favorite is the Sorel ‘flurry’ as they’re the easiest to get on and off himself and the inside liner makes them warm/comfortable for when we’re outside for longer times (skiing mostly).
Lizard says
Honestly I’d go to Goodwill or your local secondhand sporting goods store and just buy whatever they have available that fits. For the intensity of activity a 4 year old is likely to do, the quality doesn’t really matter that much. Save your money, and the planet, and buy secondhand for an item they won’t wear for that long before outgrowing it.
EDAnon says
You must not have my 4yo. He is a very heavy user of shoes and especially boots since we live somewhere with a long winter. We bought our kids winter boots from LL Bean this year and have liked them so far.
I will say that bigs have held up the best through multiple kids but I don’t think they are particularly warm or comfortable.
Lizard says
Fair enough, though funny you mention LL Bean because I just bought my daughter new-used LL Bean boots at Goodwill last week :)
EDAnon says
Good! Hopefully that means they’ll hold up!
Mine get passed down to a second kid and then passed on (usually to a neighbor but, if not, then to a local childcare that serves a lot of college students with kids).
OOO says
Our toddler’s best friend is moving out-of-state after the holidays. I have a bunch of pictures of the two of them from daycare over the past couple years. Any ideas for a fun collage plus art project from my kid that we can give to BF?
Mary Moo Cow says
A foam or wooden frame kit from a craft store. Let kiddo decorate with markers, paint, stickers, etc., and then pop in the photo. Or, have kiddo decorate a blank canvas and then use mod podge to attach the photos (to fit more photos on and show off more of the canvas, you can crop or cut the photos.)
ElisaR says
my son’s BFF moved away and gave him a book called “The Invisible String” and the mother wrote a note on the inside page and pasted pictures of them inside. It was very sweet. (the book is about how even though someone might not be there, they are still connected via an invisible string.)
Christmas meal help says
Help! For Christmas, we normally go to my parents’ house in a nearby city. We do Christmas morning at home, get there around 11 or noon, and stay overnight.
The last couple of years, my mom had decided that because everyone “eats cookies all day”, we shouldn’t do a sit down dinner. Instead, she serves breakfast (which we aren’t there for) and then puts out what she describes as “munchies”—pretty much fancy cheese and crackers and baked goods. She sets this all out at lunch time and that is it for the day.
How do I handle this? I’m pregnant so eating nothing but snacks (especially snacks that have been out on the counter for hours) is not going to work well. And my husband is starving by the end of the day. Last year, I made PB&J sandwiches for the kids for dinner.
Any brilliant ideas? I’d love to host at our house, but that will never happen. Bringing food from out of town to cook ourselves for everyone is a lot of work would also offend her. I totally respect her desire not to cook on Christmas, but we are hungry!! Her “everyone is eating snacks all day anyway” theory is not working. Blah.
Anon says
Make a lasagna this weekend at home, freeze.
Bring it on Christmas, it can go straight from freezer to oven.
Ask her to go (or bring) ingredients for a huge green salad and rolls or garlic bread. Done.
NYCer says
HA! I literally posted the same thing before your post showed up. Great minds. :)
Anon says
:)
OP says
Oh, this is perfect! She’ll probably be annoyed and say we don’t“need” pasta after “eating all day” (eating what, I’m never sure). But it would be workable and would solve the problem so I may just do it anyway.
Anon says
Ohhhh is this a weird diet culture thing? I agree this is a great solution though.
OP says
I don’t think so, though that’s probably a slight influence. She’s not normally a dieter and we were not restricted or shamed for food growing up. But I do think she has some ingrained 90s attitudes about food/weight. As she’s gotten older, she also just eats a lot less and sometimes forgets that little kiddos need regular meals etc.
Vicky Austin says
“Our family needs a meal at the end of the day; I’ll bring a lasagna so you don’t have to do anything!”
Lizard says
Can you order takeout or a pizza to the house? That way she doesn’t have to cook, but it seems more spontaneous and less targeted at her and less likely to cause offense. Around 5 pm you could just say something like, “You know what sounds really yummy right now, I could go for a pizza/Chinese/Thai food, I’m gonna put in an order, does anyone else want anything?”
NYCer says
This won’t help long term, but I would play the pregnancy card and say that you need dinner this year. Suggest that you will bring a lasagna (or something else that can easily be pre-made), and ask her if she can pick up salad ingredients or a loaf of garlic bread to go with it.
Anon says
100% agreed on the pregnancy card. But then you can use the “breastfeeding” (if you are) or “small children” card and hopefully by then delivery on Christmas night will be an established tradition.
OP, my sympathies. As someone who can’t handle subsisting on sugar, I would be a hangry mess by 5pm.
anonM says
I’d bring things to do ham sandwiches. Easy, no mess, filling.
startup lawyer says
Eat a larger than usual meal before hand and then in the late afternoon i would just ask if anybody else wants takeout and place an order.
Anonymous says
I’d bring either a casserole or something in a crockpot (chili?).
DLC says
Maybe a stupid question, but have you said something to her and offered to bring/order a more substantial option? You know your family best, but I can’t imagine that she wants you or your family to starve, and it seems like you’ve been through this enough times to know that there won’t be enough food. Better head it off and communicate than become known as that angry pregnant woman at 6:30pm on Christmas Day.
OP says
I’ve mentioned it to her, and she always says she doesn’t want us to bring anything or cook and that she’s planning “lots of food” and anyone who wants can make a sandwich (though there’s often nothing to make a sandwich from.) But then the food is cheese + crackers, cookies, candies, and usually a breakfast casserole that has been left on the counter for hours. She might have nuts and olives out or maybe even a veggie tray. So she’s right that there technically is food, and “none of us are going to starve,” as she says. But it’s hard to try to feed little kids from that for both lunch and dinner (we drive from out of town so need to leave after breakfast.)
I honestly can’t figure it out. It seems like she would be hungry herself? We used to do a big formal sit down dinner and we all helped cooking; my spouse did the main dish and would love to continue but she declines and says she doesn’t want people to be cooking. Or anyone else to host. She would be deeply offended if I went and got takeout on Christmas.
She’s a lovely woman, I swear, but this specific issue has veered into very confusing territory. I think the lasagna might be my best bet.
anon says
“Mom, even with plenty of food around, it’s hard for our family to get through a full day without having a heavier meal. We’ll enjoy the snacks in the afternoon and have lasagna available for anyone who wants to eat. If we’re the only ones who want to eat, that’s fine! You don’t need to do anything!”
Or something like that. I can see having this issue with my own mom, actually. She eats like a bird and sometimes forgets the rest of us need sustenance!
anon says
Should say “eat later.”
FP says
Could you bring another few appetizers that are much closer to a meal? Like the frozen kind from Trader Joes (meatballs; hot dogs in pastry; etc) and maybe some mini sandwiches that your kids could have a few of?
Anon says
I would bring a chicken pot pie, quiche, and a salad from our farmer’s market. Easy to heat and you can kind of play it off as snacky. Also, maybe it’s ok to offend her. Expecting you all not to eat dinner (especially little kids) is weird!
Anon says
Ha my ILs are like this…they are tiny people and barely eat, and whenever we visit and eat a “big lunch” (a sandwich and chips) after 12pm they wonder all afternoon if we’ll “even be hungry for dinner”.
I’m like a toddler, I need food every 3 hours or I get hangry!
Bette says
This is my mother in law, only all the time. She will either make a comically small amount of food (a single 12 inch pizza for four adults, including me while pregnant) or just not serve food at all. (Does not get that kids need to actually eat breakfast soon after waking up. Our three year old can’t wait to eat at brunch at 11.)
She also won’t let anyone cook in her kitchen. Even making a cup of coffee is WW3.
I insist my wife put her foot down about eating regular meals and mostly eat out/get take out while there. MIL talks a lot about how our family just loves restaurants in a condescending way, but I roll my eyes. We need to eat.
In her case, it’s absolutely a diet culture/anxiety/ocd thing.
anon says
That’s rough. I would have a very hard time with that dynamic. Feels weirdly shaming, somehow. Like how dare you have basic human needs!
Lizard says
Do you/how do you get your kids to dress warmly enough in winter? My youngest (7) is very picky about her clothes and not wearing anything too stiff, and so hates winter coats. Thus she has been wearing a fleece hoodie most days this winter, but it’s now getting into the 30s and that doesn’t seem adequate.
Part of me is like, well, natural consequences, and being cold doesn’t actually give you a cold, so if she wears a coat that’s too light and is freezing, maybe the next day she’ll wear a warmer one (she never does). But the other part of me wonders if this is neglectful parenting, should I zip her into the heavier coat and put a hat on her head against her will? Should I have her shower at night so her hair isn’t wet in the morning, does that actually make a difference? How do others handle this?
anon says
At 7 she can understand the consequences of her actions. If she chooses not to wear a hat or coat, she can be cold. I wouldn’t do anything about it
Anon says
+1
Spirograph says
I have my kids shower at night because we’d never get out of the house on time if they tried to shower in the morning, but otherwise yes… natural consequences. I remind them to “wear a real coat” when we’re getting ready to leave, and sometimes they do and sometimes they argue with me that they’re wearing two sweatshirts and don’t need a coat. As long as they have at least a sweatshirt or a fleece on, I don’t force them to add more layers if they don’t want to. I put a hat and gloves in each of my kids backpack a month or so ago, but I don’t check to make sure they’re still there. Lots of kids just run hotter than many adults. And they move more. When my kids are outside for recess, they’re running around and playing, and probably genuinely don’t feel as cold as I usually do with the same air temperature.
(I also keep a bag of hats, scarves and mittens in my car so that if we’re out and a kid realizes he/she made a tactical error in neglecting to bring them, I can correct that in real time.)
Aunt Jamesina says
This is might be my inner Chicagoan, but 30s really doesn’t feel very cold if it’s not damp out and a fleece is definitely warm enough for me. I remember feeling overheated sometimes at recess from all the running around.Wet hair does make me feel colder, though.
You aren’t at all neglectful, I think everyone except the grandmas out there knows that kids sometimes just won’t wear weather-appropriate gear.
Aunt Jamesina says
Oh, and I think a “you don’t have to wear it, but you do have to bring it” policy is a good compromise.
EDAnon says
I am near chicago and my kids definitely strip off their coats to play outside of its sunny and 30s.
Anonymous says
I definitely wouldn’t send a kid out in cold weather with wet hair. We are a “You need to dress appropriately for the weather” family because we’re outside a lot. So I take a hard line of “you need to wear a coat.” My kid also goes to an outdoor school so they’ll get sent home if they don’t have proper gear.
DLC says
I would say wet hair needs a hat, but otherwise natural consequences.
I do throw a puffer vest or another fleece in my kids’ bag, and tell them they have to have it just in case. “You don’t have to wear it, but you have to bring it just in case.”
Also I strongly suggest my kids wear warm underlayers when it gets into the low 30s.
I agree with above- I don’t judge parents when their school aged children don’t wear coats. They have my full sympathy.
Anon says
Oh definitely have her shower at night! I didn’t know any kids showered in the morning – we’d never make it to school on time at my house!
But also, natural consequences. I have a 7 year old DD too, and sometimes she just suffers for the sake of fashion…
Mary Moo Cow says
My 7 year old wears crocs and a sweatshirt outside, routinely, and seems fine. I’m kinda jealous, shivering in my down coat, watching her.
I also use “you have to bring it, don’t have to wear it.” She does shower at night, and I know the “going out in cold weather with a wet head will give you a cold” is an old wives tale, but it is still uncomfortable.
Anonymous says
I have a stubborn 7 y/o. She can wear what she wants. If she fought me on winter jackets, I’d make her take a warmer one to school in her backpack but not care if she chooses to wear it or not. I did my job.
Anon says
This is maybe not healthy, but I showed my 6-year-old what frostbite looks like (it’s pretty gross). Kid had no clue that the cold could cause permanent damage. Though 30s isn’t going to veer into frostbite territory, so it might be a bit extreme for your scenario. Have you also considered a puffer? They are usually softer and a bit more flexible for more sensitive kiddos.
Lizard says
Your comment is actually perfect. She had a puffer that she would wear, but she lost it, and rather than replace it, I’ve had her wearing a more traditional fleece-lined canvas heavy coat. We may just have to suck it up and replace the puffer…
Anon says
Secondary infertility sucks. Does anyone else have this experience? DS is almost 2 and it was so easy the first time.
Anon says
Yeah, we had a few miscarriages between kids. Does that count? I think a lot a lot a lot of people do.
anon says
Yep, had that experience. It sucks, and people really don’t understand why you’d be sad and upset. Secondary infertility was absolutely a traumatic experience, and in hindsight, I wish I’d sought therapy during that time. but I was always convinced that a positive test was just a few weeks away …
anon says
We had primary also, but got pregnant after surgery and a few IUIs which feels really, really easy compared what we’ve gone through trying for #2. We’re on year 3 and it might never happen (DD is 4.5). All the sympathy and feels to you, friend. Lots of support among the regulars on this page, so ask any questions you may have if you are so compelled.
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m so sorry. Infertility is awful no matter how you slice it.
Anon says
Yep. We tried for nearly a year for number 2 after I got pregnant the first month of ovulation tracking with number 1
Fertility treatments aren’t covered and we aren’t willing to go out of pocket. I have decided it is easiest for me to come to peace with 1 and done than continue trying. We are both open to it if there’s an oopsy but are no longer intentionally trying.
Hugs. It sucks so bad. Took me over a year to come to peace with it and stop crying and hating myself for it.
Anon at 2:38 says
Oh and people always assume once you have one kid that the second just magically appears around 2 years and the questions start coming. Cut me to the core every time. There’s no nice way to say we’ve been having loads of s*x and it ain’t happening so bugger off.
Anon OP says
Yes this is me!
Anon at 2:38 says
If you ever need an empathetic ear, post a burner and I’m around. One of the worst things I’ve struggled with, and I felt very lonely along the way.
Aunt Jamesina says
People are idiots about this. I was very, very open about going through IVF for our (likely) only child and people ask allll the time when (not if!) we’re going to have a second or comment that she needs a sibling. Ugh.
Anon op says
I’m so sorry this has been your experience. You are not alone. My best friend went through a similar experience.
anon says
Yup. Tried for a year before starting treatments. Then had one IUI, two failed IVF cycles (in one stim failed, in the second we only got like 5 eggs and zero euploid embryos), a chemical pregnancy, and a 9-week miscarriage with D&C. I’m 42 and easily got pregnant with my first at 39, but this has been awful.
anon says
And it’s super frustrating because many people assume that fertility treatments are a magic bullet and IVF always works, and they don’t understand that it often does not, especially not in your 40s (in fact, in your 40s, the odds are quite low that it will). So on top of insensitive questions about another kid, there are insensitive assumptions about how it’ll all be okay because some celebrity had a child at 45 or whatever.
Aunt Jamesina says
I have a cousin who married at 46 and had always wanted kids. She assumed IVF worked this way and was devastated when she went to an RE and they told her the odds.
anon says
Yeah, like I had a really good understanding of how fertility declined with age but I didn’t understand enough about how IVF worked to realize how bad the IVF odds would get after 40. They’re better than your natural odds, but failure is much more likely than success (unless you use donor eggs).
Anon op says
Just to provide more context, I have good AMH levels, just turned 35, and all hormone levels are normal. It’s just been 7 months and I’m freaking out.
Anne-on says
Oh man you have my sympathies. I got pregnant with our first easily but had a very scary emergency situation during delivery and delivering a second child isn’t possible without a repeat. I didn’t want to do surrogacy so we’re 1 and done. I feel a little weird saying ‘infertility’ because I can GET pregnant, I just can’t go into labor (or even have a planned c-section).
In addition to therapy to process your feelings, I’d also suggest firmly and clearly returning all awkward questions to sender. I got SO MANY questions about ‘why’ we only had one. After answering increasingly invasive questions politely I finally started using a deadpan Wednesday Adams voice to say something along the lines of ‘I’m unable to have another child without it likely killing me. My husband and I decided one child and a healthy mom was better than two children and a him being a widower.’ The immediate backpedaling and flurry of apologies was very gratifying and (hopefully) they think twice before asking intrusive questions again.
EDAnon says
We didn’t pursue another baby for same reasons (unsafe delivery) and it’s so hard because it’s painful to talk about on so many fronts. It was scary to almost die (and almost lose my baby). And it’s sad to not have more kids. People just need to leave it alone.
Anon op says
Oof. I’m sorry. I similarly had an incredibly traumatic birth (emergency c section, lots of other crap but will spare you) but wasn’t told I couldn’t have another. It’s a lot to process and therapy did help.