This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
I’m on the hunt for easy-to-wear clothes for when I face the office again. I’m not ready for anything structured or stiff, but don’t want to show up in a squishy sweatsuit.
This wrap dress from Modern Citizen might be what I’m looking for. This fashionable take on a T-shirt dress features a front-tie (a unique variation of the usual side-tie), a blend of cotton and spandex for a little stretch, and flattering side slits.
The midi length is perfect for the office — just add low heels and a blazer or cardigan for a polished (yet comfy) professional look. I’d even wear this for a summer outing with sandals and a bright bag.
The dress is $104 and comes in olive and black. It’s available in sizes XS–1X.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anonymous says
Feeling lots of parent guilt. We are taking our 4 and 7 year old to the dentist tomorrow. It is the first time that our 4 year old has gone, primarily due to pandemic reasons (other kid is higher risk so we were being extremely cautious). Older kid has been a few times for checkups but not since summer 2019. We brush twice a day of course and have been focusing a lot more on a full 2 minutes lately. We don’t regularly floss I’m sorry to say but we need to start that. Spouse and I are feeling really bad and anxious about the fact that we messed up our kids’ teeth for life and will be making this a priority from now on. Can anyone give me some reassurance or advice?
Anonymous says
They’re baby teeth it will be fine.
Anonanonanon says
They’re baby teeth, you haven’t messed them up for life. You’re definitely not the only parents who didn’t go during COVID, you’re definitely not going to be the worst case the dentist has seen that day, and you’re going now. That’s all you can do.
AwayEmily says
We’re taking our 5yo and 3yo next month…it will be only the 5yo’s second time, the 3yo has never been. We brush only once a day and have never flossed. Yes, we could do a better job, but I’m convinced it’s mostly genetics anyway, and like everyone else said…they’re baby teeth. Also, one is a thumb-sucker and one is a finger-sucker, so at this point they are probably both going to need to have their entire mouths replaced by the time they are teenagers. FWIW my FIL is a dentist and the dean of a dental school, and he is the one who told me “it’s mostly genetics anyway, and there’s not good evidence that at-home flossing makes a difference.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree, they’re baby teeth, at this point, you’re just trying to build some good habits so that they’re ready for their permanent teeth. Even if they have lots of cavities on their permanent teeth, it doesn’t mean you “messed up” – some people are just prone to cavities, no matter how diligent they are. And I guarantee you are not the only parent out there who doesn’t floss their kids’ teeth every day!
Anonymous says
With kindness: chill.
More practically, our dentist won’t even see kids until after 3 unless they have some kind of dental emergency/issue. So your 4 y/o has missed one, maybe two cleanings. My youngest is going in the fall for the first time @ 3.5.
If you want to do flossing, our kids use and love flossing sticks. The dentist also told my 5 y/o to start using mouthwash bc her teeth are crowded. So grab some kids Act and have them use it.
You are FINE.
Anon says
+1, my 3.5 year old just went for the first time and dentist acted like this was relatively normal. We brush only once a day and don’t floss and the dentist said my kid’s teeth were fine.
Anonymous says
Our 7 y/o has for routine cleanings since 2.5, brushes 2x day, flosses and uses mouthwash and has had a cavity and then an extraction (same tooth). I think a lot of it is genetics.
Anonymous says
I never flossed regularly until I was an adult and only brushed once a day, never for 2 minutes. Thanks to genetics* and fluoride in the water, I never had a cavity until I was in my 20s. They are probably 100% fine. Kid’s teeth are usually spaced far apart enough that flossing isn’t that important. Worst case – they have cavities. (*On the other hand, I probably personally financed a new boat for at least one orthodontist, but that happened later than age 7).
Anonymous says
Same. I got my first cavity at 35, and I was so bummed! years of orthodontics through my teens, instead.. My kids go to the dentist once a year ish, but were due for an appt in April 2020 so they skipped a year there. I don’t feel guilty about it, and no one needs to feel guilty about skipping any well visits for healthy/low risk kids during the pandemic. That is a totally valid risk decision.
Anon says
I feel like this post is just meant to give the other parents here guilt? We definitely don’t always brush twice a day and um, two minutes is not a thing at my house? Cavities/teeth are all genetics anyways. Oh, I’ve never flossed my kids teeth (6 and 4). So good job?
Anonymous says
OP here – Not meant to give other parents guilt at all! I’m sorry to give that impression. We got side eye from people who we talked to expressing shock that we hadn’t been going to the dentist all through covid. Needed a reality check and appreciate the feedback shared here.
earlier poster says
Ha, no worries. Your friends are overachievers! At least in my world! Also seriously, my kids get A+ from the dentist and we clearly are not doing everything we could. I have friends whose kids brush their teeth twice a day for 2 minutes and floss every evening and they’ve had a bunch of cavities (like 5? each?) The drew the teeth genetics short straw. A lot of it is actually out of our hands, but I am pro setting up goodish habits!
Anon says
This seems … fine? Are the children complaining that their teeth hurt? I doubt it, because you’d have taken them to the dentist in that case. Look, I’ve taken my 2 year old to the dentist because her older sibling was going and she spent the appointment with her mouth clamped shut with shifty eyes at all the dental office staff – totally not persuaded by the kind dentist, the promise of a toy or even her sibling’s demonstration that nothing nefarious was going to happen. It was ridiculous and hilarious. But like, would I take her on her own? Prob not. If you want to start flossing regularly, then I’d recommend floss picks. My 4 year old can floss her own teeth with those. It’s a pretty quick process honestly.
CPA Lady says
My husband and his three siblings did not go to the dentist at all growing up because they were extremely poor. He went to the dentist for the first time ever in his 30s. He didn’t have any cavities. He has since had his wisdom teeth removed, did a full course of invisalign, gets his teeth cleaned regularly and now has basically perfect teeth after literally decades of never going to a dental professional of any kind. I think it’s genetic. I have a friend who has gone to the dentist regularly her whole life and she has had 20+ fillings plus other more elaborate dental work.
Skipping a cleaning or two for your 4 and 7 year old does not ruin your kids’ teeth for life. That’s just absurd. From what I can tell, literally the only thing “useful” that my kid’s dentist does is take x-rays once a year and puts that fluoride goop on her teeth. We are talking about baby teeth here, and even if your kid were an adult, all hope is not lost!
Hmmmm says
Wait… people floss their kids’ teeth?!
I am at my Mom Guilt Limit so I refuse to feel bad about this and I don’t think you should either.
Patty Mayonnaise says
I def don’t floss their teeth! Are we supposed to be doing this?
Spirograph says
My kids get those little floss sticks from the dentist and use them sporadically, but I def don’t floss my kids’ teeth. Their teeth have plenty of space between them, unlike mine, so I’m fairly confident the brushing is adequate.
Side note, I was completely grossed out when I found a floss stick on the floor of my kids’ bedroom and when I tried to throw it away, my daughter snatched it and said THAT’S MINE! flossed briefly, then put it away in her nightstand drawer. Bleh
Anonymous says
I think it depends on the teeth. Our kiddo’s teeth don’t touch, so her dentist said we don’t need to floss. She does have some flossing sticks because she got some as a sample in the dentist’s standard goodie bag, and she thinks it is fun. That said, she’ll get on a kick to floss for a few days and then doesn’t floss again for a month. We don’t floss for her becuase the dentist told us we don’t have to. Unless she has something stuck between her teeth that is bothering her, but that has happened like twice.
Anonymous says
Our dentist specifically instructed us to floss specific teeth for our 6 year old, so we do. But I wouldn’t have thought to otherwise and don’t for the 3 year old.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same. Our dentist recommended that we floss our older kid’s back teeth, which are closer together. He doesn’t mind me flossing his teeth so I do it as part of the brushing teeth routine. We use the floss sticks too. My 2.5 year old has teeth spaced closer together but flossing right now is not a battle I’m waging as brushing his teeth is hard enough!
FWIW, I definitely did not floss much if ever as a kid but I do it regularly now (and get complimented by my dentists #humblebrag) so it’s never too late to get in the habit of this.
Anonymous says
Same on your FWIW comment!
Patty Mayonnaise says
Anyone know of any Storq discount codes? Do they do sales?
To pic or not to pic says
Junior associate with a new baby here.
In the before times when we all were in the office: did you keep private pictures (especially of husband/kids) visible in your office?
Why/why not?
I have noticed that my male colleagues all have them out but not my female colleagues.
Anonymous says
Context: Midlaw in the Midwest. I do. I also have pictures my child has colored and drawn visible in the background of my video calls, and I seriously recommend it. My clients love it. I get so many comments about them. They’re a really great ice breaker. And I switch them out (somewhat) regularly, and people notice that there are new ones. I find that the people you expect to be the most stuffy are really softened by them, leading to a great connection.
anon says
Also a Midwesterner, and I concur. And I don’t even work in an especially warm-and-fuzzy environment. I also see plenty of dads displaying family memorabilia, which does make it feel less gendered.
Anon says
Yes, it’s my family and seeing them makes me feel good. I also specifically chose a firm where a lot of women and moms have been successful. I understand this impulse around pictures bc it’s something you can control but if moms aren’t successful where you work, whether you do or don’t have picture out isn’t going to make a difference.
anonymommy says
“if moms aren’t successful where you work” — wow, this is wise. Mentally noting this to include on my list of things I care about for any future job changes.
Anonanonanon says
Yes I have two photo frames but they face me on my desk, because I am the one who wants to see them.
Anon says
Yes, but in my office most partners are married and have kids and have pictures up as well (men and women). I think it’s a know your office. The family-friendliness is one of the reasons I picked this office and firm a decade ago. My pictures are of DH and of our wedding, me and my mom and sisters and my computer background is me and a recent picture of DD. She’s growing so fast I haven’t put any print pictures of her but keep the digital ones on my computer updated every few months. I got called out on a zoom team meeting recently because DD had been behaving herself lately and hadn’t been popping into video calls and my colleagues missed seeing her, so had to call her over to say hi to folks. We’re getting to the stage where her artwork is identifiable, so I will probably start tacking that up soon as well (which is also common in my office and firm).
Anon4this says
Context: Partner track senior associate at BigLaw 10. I did not have pictures up but that’s because I’m just not a pictures of people person. I do have lots of pictures of my kid on my phone and often show those to people or text them to folks. There aren’t a lot of female partners with kids at my firm, but most have pictures up, as do most of the men. Fewer of the associates with kids have pictures up, especially the female associates. Many people also have kid art, even those without pictures. I’m looking forward to having kid art up when we are back in the office full time.
Anon says
Has anyone had a subsequent pregnancy after having preeclampsia? I had severe preeclampsia resulting in my baby being born at 35 weeks (she’s fine). I’ve been advised that I am now at elevated risk to have preeclampsia in a subsequent pregnancy, potentially with earlier onset, increasing risks. Curious if anyone has tackled decisions under the same circumstances – my head has determined that the risks are too great to try to have another baby but my heart has a harder time.
Anon says
Not me, but a friend/neighbor had undiagnosed preeclampsia with her second, which turned into postpartum pre E and landed her back in the hospital for several days (baby was also delivered early due to growth issues, but full term). She had a third and did better – that baby was induced at 39 weeks and she had no complications
ANON says
Yes, I had pre-e with my first and was induced at 38 weeks. Did not have pre-e with my second though I did have an elevated BP issue at 37 weeks but went to triage for monitoring and it came down. My second came spontaneously at 39 weeks 3 days.
Anon says
I have not, but I’ve had very risky pregnancies for other reasons and gone ahead with having two more kids. If you’re looking for a reason to not have more, I totally support you! But if not, I don’t think you should feel like it has to stop you!
Once you’re high risk you’re well monitored. I have a doctor who is carefully checking on me/the pregnancy ever three weeks minimum. You have extra ultrasounds – I have one every time I see her. In a lot of ways, I feel safer than in a regular low risk pregnancy (where there are still lots of risks!)
I went into this pregnancy knowing it was my last and that we’d be delivering at 36 weeks or 37 weeks at the latest (with steroids at 36?) I spoke to my kids pediatrician about whether this should give us pause having another and he was completely okay with it – he shrugged and pointed out he expects twins to be born then or earlier (he has twins) and that it’s completely okay.
Earlier poster says
Realizing I’m happily giving medical advice – obviously talk to your doctors! But my doctor and pediatrician both gave me the green light and I trust them.
And what I really wanted to say was it’s not a bad thing to be classified as a high risk pregnancy necessarily. In fact, it can be really good.
EDAnon says
I had a super scary delivery that has convinced me that I should not physically have more kids. We have seriously considered (and are considering) adoption. We have friends who adopted two little boys who are amazing. They had a great experience. Private adoption is expensive but it’s an option if you want more kids.
Anonymous says
So I had HELLP (a severe type of pre-eclampsia) at 34 weeks with my first. For awhile after that I thought I would be one and done. But DH and I decided our family wasn’t complete and we are now trying for #2. I talked to several OBs at the practice I go to and they were all encouraging, saying this wasn’t a reason to be one and done, I will be monitored closely, etc. With HELLP I do have an elevated risk of recurrence of HELLP or pre-e, but generally it occurs later and is less severe with subsequent pregnancies. I would double check with your OB because I thought the same was true for pre-e (that it should occur later and be less severe if it reoccurs) but I could be totally wrong – I have no medical training.
anon says
I have. When you are a known high risk pregnancy, the doctors are extra-vigilant and everyone can prepare for the possibility of a premature delivery, in particular, corticosteroid shots to mature the baby’s lungs. It’s much more managed, as opposed to being an emergency, I think that makes a big difference. And you know what symptoms to watch out for as well.
I had atypical HELLP with kiddo #1 and had an emergency c-section at 36 weeks (what I had thought was the baby’s head or foot wedged somewhere uncomfortable turned out to be the early stages of liver failure). The maternal fetal medicine specialist said I had a 15-20% chance of the same thing happening again. I decided it was worth the risk. My doctors were extra vigilant, as was I. When I started developing the same symptoms (several weeks’ gestation earlier than with #1), the doc gave me the corticosteroid shots, and we decided to deliver kiddo #2 at 33 weeks, primarily for my health, but also b/c whatever was going on could have affected baby’s health and development too. That was a really hard decision. Both kids are fine (thank goodness), and I am so grateful every day to have them both, and that they have each other.
this dress? says
For what it’s worth, I love this brand! I bought the Brooke pants postpartum and they’re amazing. Has anyone tried this dress or other things from Modern Citizen?
Mommasgottasleep says
I just wanted to say thank you to the poster who gave me hugs for my 31 week twins yesterday (we’re all doing a lot better at four months). I didn’t see your comment til late, but I wanted to say it meant a lot to me. I really appreciate the overall tone of kindness and respect on this board.
Anon says
that was me! glad you saw it. if you’re back at work, i’m guessing they spent most of your maternity leave in the nicu? being a new mom is hard, being a new mom with twins was hard in a way i didn’t anticipate. i actually think despite not having mine during covid, my experience was like that of a covid mom who had a singleton. it was basically impossible to go to any of those mommy meet up groups during my maternity leave bc by the time i’d feed, and change both, pump, etc. there wasn’t that much time before we had to do it all over again. i was not the mom eating at a restaurant with my newborn sleeping quietly beside me, and in retrospect i had ‘easy’ babies. mine were also born when it was very hot where we live and the pediatrician basically told me not to take them outside, so they didn’t go for their first real walk until they were 4+ months old. i dont know where you live, but if there is a parents of multiples group, even if you don’t become active in it, sometimes it is nice to read others’ posts and feel less alone.
AwayEmily says
Maybe a fun question….my 5yo and 3yo have been demanding for weeks to “make potions” and I promised to set up a potion station for them (outside) today after school. My plan is to set out a bunch of jars, spoons, and stuff they can mix together. I was thinking some liquid watercolors, water, ketchup, some old spices we don’t need, maybe some flour…other ideas? I don’t want to go the baking soda/vinegar route, largely because that requires active involvement from me and I was really hoping to sit in an Adirondack chair during and do nothing.
anon. says
maybe some different pots of mayo with different food coloring? so in other words some green “potions” too? i’m totally following this very fun question.
Anonymous says
Shaving cream, dishsoap – things that will make bubbles.
I would do the baking soda and vinegar as I don’t think that requires you to be hands on and it is so high reward, but maybe I’m missing something. Flour seems messier.
Anon says
You could make oobleck? But honestly the baking soda and vinegar thing is pretty easy! I’d do that too!
Anon says
Yah, I’d probably skip the flour, as flour and water make paste. Cornstarch and water, on the other hand, makes oobleck, which is fun and easy to clean!
I gave my kids each a bottle of vinegar and box of baking soda and let them use it up as they wanted. It was fun seeing them figure out what proportions would make it erupt.
Maybe some sprinkles?
So Anon says
If you have any of the syringes from administering meds or travel shampoo/conditioner bottles from traveling, those can be fun to add to the mix. If you are feeling brave, then you could add glitter.
Anonymous says
Eyedroppers are fun too. I remember spending a lot of time pipetting colored water from one container to another with a preschool friend.
Io says
I have a mom friend who dumped baking soda into muffin tins and then gave the kids food coloring gel to mix with that, then gave the kids vinegar in eye droppers. I think the eye droppers kept the kids busy for a looooong time.
Also if you give your kids pre-made slime it’s usually very easy to clean up with vinegar.
Anon says
would require help though depending on your kids’ hand/eye coordination. if you have empty spray bottles those are good. shaving cream can be fun.
Anonymous says
I would not give them undiluted food coloring, which causes permanent stains. You could color some water or vinegar and give them that.
AwayEmily says
You all have the best ideas! Thanks, and maybe I will give the baking soda/vinegar a try after all.
Anonymous says
My kids make potions all the time. They use water, dirt, rocks, grass and acorns ;). I think the key is water And containers and you are good to go. Don’t over think this!!
anon says
Well, my ADHD kid got kicked out of his camp for the week, thanks to his behavior being completely off the rails and inappropriate. I absolutely think the camp was in the right, so not interested in that debate. (Technically, they said he could participate if a parent could join him, but no, we can’t do that.) I am getting so bitter about parenting and sad that we can’t seem to make this better. He’s on meds and the telemedicine he’s received during the pandemic has been a joke. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. DH is already down on therapy because it hasn’t been terribly effective, and so I have that hurdle to climb, too. I really thought that at DS’s age, we were past the worst of the behavioral difficulties associated with ADHD. At any rate, *I* am probably the one who needs therapy to work through my feelings about having a very, very challenging child (who has many amazing qualities, too, but they’re often snuffed out by the sheer energy required to parent him).
Anonymous says
I’m shocked that they were allowed to kick him out without trying to accommodate or assigned a worker to assist. Kids with special needs usually have a dedicated worker at the city camps here.
anon says
OP here. We disclosed on the form that he has ADHD, but sadly, this has never made much of a difference. I have yet to encounter a camp that actually takes the needs of ADHD kids into account, let alone have a worker dedicated to helping those kids. I try my best to vet camps and choose ones with a low staff-to-student ratio.
Anonymous says
ADHD can mean a lot of things. My kids have it, but the H is muted and they are just highly unfocused.
Anonymous says
Camp is not required to accommodate ADHD by assigning a one-to-one aide.
Anon says
I don’t have any answers but I wanted to say that this must be SO hard. I have the mini version with my “persnickety” child and I can only imagine what it’s like with more challenges. I think you’re probably on the right track with therapy for you and/or your husband to process the feelings of grief/anger/frustration over not having an “easier” child. I think that’s a very real feeling of loss.
No Face says
I have a child with autism so the situation is different, but I only ever enroll her in special needs programs. Obviously, there are hardly any options and it is very expensive, but I’ve accepted that. I know that she would not succeed in a standard camp. Are there any special needs places in your area? If not, I would post a job for a special needs caregiver on care dot com and have them go to many places this summer.
Sorry, it’s so hard.
anon says
I don’t know where these unicorn special-needs programs are, because they’re nonexistent in my college town. :( I have thought about going the route of finding a sitter, but frankly, I’ve been burned by that arrangement before. It was a woman who was ostensibly familiar with ADHD, as her child has it, too, but it clearly wasn’t a good fit because she dumped us quickly. And over text message, which was fun!
No Face says
I’m in a small city, so I have more options than in a college towns. I think raising a special needs child in less populated area would be really challenging. You have my sympathies.
anonymommy says
That really, really stinks. For him, for you, and just the logistics alone. Virtual hugs as you navigate this. Try to remind yourself that YOU are the best parent for YOUR child. You’ve got this. But, it doesn’t make it easy.
Anon says
I’m so sorry, that sounds really rough. Yes define recommend therapy for you and probably also for you and husband to get support to figure out how to parent together as best you can for your amazing child. Hoping you can get some more effective support for him too.
RR says
How old is he? When my ADHD son was 5-10, I really thought things would never get better. He’s 13 now and honestly delightful. Just an amazing human being who is so aware of others and their needs. He was just telling us in detail about an article he read on how men can watch their behavior to avoid instilling unintentional fear in women (e.g., cross the street if jogging at night, don’t touch them, don’t stare). This from a kid who could not keep his hands to himself when he was younger. He just did his first activity (track team for middle school) without me getting a single call from the coach indicating concern with his behavior. Not one. I haven’t gotten one call from the principal in middle school. At 7-8 especially, this was a complete pipe dream. We too had bad luck with therapy, but progress has been made as a result of diligent practice, year after year after year. There are other challenges–like watching a kid who is a genius fail virtual science one quarter because he just doesn’t do the work–but the basic ability to move about in the world, interact with others, deal with frustration and failure, all of those have gotten SO MUCH BETTER! It gets better. The work you are doing is working. It’s just a long, slow process.
anon says
I hope so. Kiddo is 11. He was making what felt like progress pre-pandemic, but things have gotten a lot harder again in the last six months. I just want to bawl. It feels like we’re always going to be living in fear.
EDAnon says
To add on, My sister has ADHD (and is in her 30s now). There were rough patches as kids/young adults but she’s amazing. Insightful, thoughtful, engaged, does well professionally. She has her quirks but she’s doing great!
RR says
Wanted to add that I found outdoor camps to be the best in the challenging ages. Something about being outside always seemed to calm him. He could handle sleepaway camp and farm camp no problem, but he got kicked out of Lego camp.
anon says
I can see that. In group settings, he can get overstimulated quickly. But this particular camp was right up his alley, actual real adults are staffing it instead of teens, and it wasn’t overrun with kids. So I thought it would be okay. :(
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. My 8 year old has ADHD and he’s just exhausting/overwhelming sometimes. Do your son’s meds need adjustment? I feel like they’re not doing their job if his behavior was off the rails enough to get kicked out of camp. If you’re not happy with the telemedicine he’s gotten during the pandemic, I’d consider shopping for a new doctor. In my area there are a couple of ADHD-specific practices that offer a holistic approach including meds + therapy for kid and parents. Thankfully we haven’t gotten to that point (yet), and it is pricey, but it’s nice to know the safety net is there if/when we need it.
anon says
Thanks, and it helps so much to hear from someone who gets the utter exhaustion. It is possible that he needs his meds adjusted. I also know he’s been dealing with some anxiety the last few weeks, which ramps up the problematic ADHD behaviors. It’s a bad feedback loop for sure. I did reschedule with his main doctor; they are back to allowing in-person visits. Thank goodness. But I still think I need therapy. :/
Anonanonanon says
I know going to therapy is so much easier said than done, because a special needs child has so many appointments and you only get so many hours of PTO. However, I have a (now adult) brother with autism who, while we doesn’t act out, will never be able to live on his own. I know that is a lot for my parents to deal with and I wish they had both done some therapy about that.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this this week.
Anonymous says
Hugs, I hear you on the anxiety, that feedback loop is terrible and I’m kind of waiting for it to kick in once our school year wraps this week and there is Change.
Find a therapist for yourself! Last time we met with my son’s doctor, he said that based on teacher feedback, son was doing fine at school, but recommended therapy for me and my husband (especially my husband. He also has ADHD, so all of this is very triggering for him) to give us an outlet and strategies. I haven’t prioritized it because I feel like I’m doing OK right now, but DH has been talking weekly via zoom to a therapist for the last few months and it’s A Good Thing for everyone. He takes the calls from his car for privacy, but it’s so much easier to make time when you don’t have to go to the practice office.
Old Yeller says
Guys, help me yell at my kids less.
I don’t know when it happened but I think I am now someone who just yells way too much. My work has been really stressful the last couple of years, my kids are 3 and 5, and the pandemic was just a lot for all of us … and I just don’t want to be like this anymore. I always apologize to my kids if I think I overreacted and I really try to keep calm but it just isn’t working. I don’t remember my parents yelling at me like this and I really don’t want to raise my kids in this way. What are your tips for not losing your cool? It’s mostly stuff that’s super dumb. Like I come home from work exhausted, cook dinner as quickly as I can and then they say they don’t want “this dinner” and the 3 year old just pushes the plate almost right off the table. Or I am working from home and on a zoom call and my 5 year old screams she’s hungry at me, when she just had a snack, over and over and over again from the living room, or better yet, interrupts my call by standing in the doorway and just whining that she’s BOOOOOOORRRRED.
I have done all the patient stuff – talking to them, explaining to them, but it never works like on TV. They nod, they “get it” and then they do it anyway. And I know that it’s normal. I just need to not lose my cool as much because I don’t think that having parents who yell is helpful.
The funny thing is that I am not normally a yeller and rarely “fight” with anyone. I think I just need to break a sh*tty pattern. So give me all your tricks and tips please!
Mary Moo Cow says
My go to is walking away. Just walking away for a minute after being told dinner is yucky, or asking for a snack right when I get in the door…ugh. I take deep breaths and count backwards and try to shake it off and come back with a better attitude. It doesn’t always work, but it usually helps me from exploding. I also try to gird myself for those interactions when I know my patience is thin. So, if it has been a bad day and I have to do baths, while I’m in the bathroom, alone, running the bath water, I give myself a spiel that bath time will end at some point and I can get through it.
You could check out Dr. Becky; she seems to offer a lot of parent-focused tips, as opposed to say, “how to talk to kids…” which are kid-focused tips.
So Anon says
I totally get this. Even for those of us who tend to be on the calmer side, I think the pandemic decreased our bandwidth so that the we just have less patience and the distance between trying to respond calmly and loosing it is much shorter. With a 3 and 5 year old, gently, I don’t think the issue is on their side. You may be able to use some of the techniques in How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk, but I would guess that the bigger issue is that you need to decrease your own reactivity. For me, decreasing my reactivity is all about filling my own bucket so that I can respond more calmly in the moment. I need to take care of my body (sleep, exercise and drink more fluids than just coffee). I need to time to recharge and talk with other adults. The biggest help, though, has been meditation. I know that can sound woo, but the ability to recognize my own thought patterns and see that I am about to loose it right before I actually yell, gives me the chance to take a breath and not completely loose it. There are tons of apps that can help, and it really takes only a few minutes to make a difference.
Anon says
ok this is sooooo much easier said than done, but a few things i find that help me and this might sound strange, but i feel like after i read a parenting post on instagram or listen to a parenting podcast it is like a reminder to me for some of the techniques to try, which helps me keep my cool. do you have any time to yourself? if not, i’d suggest building some in, even a little chunk can make a huge difference. or a little ‘ritual’ you do before walking in the door, whether it is sitting in the car and doing some breathing, watching 5 min of a tv show, walking around the block, etc.
for some specific things to try in terms of your examples, (and i have 2, 3 year olds), my general philosophy towards eating is i decide what to serve and they decide what to eat, so often one of my 3 year olds tell me that they don’t like what i’m serving and my response is just ok, then you don’t have to eat it. i know it is easy to feel annoyed that they don’t want to eat what you just spent time cooking, but once i was able to literally not care, it doesn’t bother me as much. this was a huge mindset shift for me. in terms of the examples with your 5 year old – do you have childcare when you work or are you simultaneously watching your kids? i know someone who has success with a ‘snack box’ that their kid can reach independently, and it includes a mix of fruits, veggies, some kind of bar/crackers, etc., and basically outside of meal times, kiddo can have the agency to eat whatever they want from that box, but once it is gone, those are the snacks for the day.
FVNC says
I don’t have any tips, but wanted to thank you for posting because I’m right there with you. I’m also doing a lot of solo parenting while husband does some extended travel for work and I’m just not the kind of parent I want to be right now. You’re not alone.
AnotherAnon says
I remember thinking “how could anyone yell at their kids?” And here I am, having yelled “GET AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW!” at my 4 year old last week (I later apologized…it was over him saying he “hated” a dinner I’d just spent an hour preparing, btw). I like MMC’s advice to walk away. My kid and I are silly, so sometimes before I lose it, I can say something like “yes I heard you! How many times can you say snack? Snacksnacksnacksnack!” And make it a silly contest. Also, strangely, the strategies in How to Talk so Kids will Listen work on ME. Like when I’m about to lose it, I’ll think “I wish I could fly to the moon rn.” And that will put me either in a daydream or change my state by realizing how ridiculous it is. Anyway, commiseration. It’s so hard not to lose it. And I’m not a yeller when DH and I have disagreements but maybe I should try it? Kidding. Also, please know that yelling then apologizing is 100x better than never yelling but being passive/aggressive and teaching your kids to tiptoe around you or avoid displaying any emotion. That’s how I grew up and it’s very damaging.
Spirograph says
My first question is: are you getting enough sleep? When I’m not exhausted, I have the wherewithal to take a deep breath and keep my cool, but I have a short fuse when I’m tired… which has obviously happened more often in the last year and a half. I make a point to apologize after I calm down, but not-yelling is obviously *better.*
I have those exact same triggers you mentioned in your post, and on my good days, here’s what works:
1. The 1-2-3 magic counting thing. calm voice: “xyz is not OK, that’s a one” until “that’s a three, it’s time to go to your room until you’re ready to try again to sit nicely at the table for dinner/talk to me in a polite way” Literally don’t engage more than that. Close the door. If they refuse to go to their room, you can either calmly pick them up out of their chair and put them out of the dining room. When they keep screaming from the other room or stomp back to the doorway, ignore. Continue your conversation with the people sitting nicely at the table.
2. Put *yourself* in time out (doesn’t work if you’re on a zoom call, but you can totally walk away from dinner) Narrate calmly that you’re feeling very angry because you are tired and tried to give everyone a nice dinner and them refusing the food hurt your feelings, and just go lie down on your bed for a few minutes.
3. Make special time for them individually. I can often draw a straight line from me giving my kids less of my time to their worst acting out. Ideally, do it proactively because you really don’t want the kids to associate tantrum = one on one time. This comes at it from the prevention side, but I feel like spending focused time with my kids also helps me remember their redeeming qualities and makes me slower to yell. :)
4. Whisper instead. Whispering with intensity is a.) way scarier/more attention-getting for kids, and b.) still somehow gives me the feeling of letting my rage out verbally, but without the volume.
Anonymous says
DH and I put ourselves in time out!! Not often, but sometimes around dinner time one of us is spent and we just need 10 mins alone.
Fallen says
I went from yelling a fair bit (less so at my kids but more at people who work for me when they messed up- I know terrible) to almost never yelling at anyone by practicing mindfulness meditation daily (just 10 minutes a day). There’s a ton of research that it helps with emotion regulation, and for me it helped me decrease my yelling to near zero.
Anon says
Can you talk about this more in terms of … how do you start? Lol. Like do you use an app? A timer? I want to try this but I don’t quite get how to begin or know when I’m done.
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is great advice, BUT, one time when my kid was rejecting a dinner that I lovingly prepared for her, full of things she normally eats but are not necessarily her favorites, after I had worked a long day and was just exhausted, is that I started crying. Like full on, single-parent-essential-worker-in-a-pandemic sobbing crying. I think that made an impression because now she just says she’s full and can she have just one bite and then dessert rather than getting into details about all the ways that dinner failed to meet her expectations. Sadly this is an improvement in my mind.
Anon says
Um, yeah. My kids made me cry the other night and I think it was really effective? oopsy daisies. I’m also 5 months pregnant so it’s pretty easy to make the tears flow unfortunately!
anon says
I don’t think this is the worst thing. It’s okay for kids to know that their parents are people and get their feelings hurt, too.
anon says
I cried out of frustration recently (I forgot what my dear son did now lol) but he literally LAUGHED AT ME and narrated it (“mommy’s crying! Mommy I’m laughing at you! Dad, I laughed at mommy she was crying”). It was so frustrating it was actually funny. KIDS
Anon says
I am a yeller, I grew up in a family of yellers. I yell at my kid, I yell at DH. I am OK with it. As I say to my husband, you always know when and exactly why I am upset. In my upbringing, it’s just loudly communicating, not mean. That being said, DH grew up in a totally silent passive aggressive house where no one yelled ever. We’re working on him communicating better and he has started doing some limited yelling and TBH, it makes me want to applaud because he’s at least getting his feelings out there! But he is very sensitive to yelling so I try to yell less. All to say, don’t beat yourself up over the yelling (but fine of course from this yeller to want to not be a yeller).
Things that work best for me involve walking away (but only for a short time – I do not cool down, I just get more upset the longer I let something sit). For DD, we liberally use countdowns from 3 and time outs (immediate or for getting to zero, depending on the issue) and having concrete consequences for her really works well given her personality and has the bonus of giving us a moment to catch our breaths while she sits on the stairs and making me less frustrated because there is an action to take for the bad behavior, defiance, not listening, etc. DD is fully into the independent, boundary testing, defiance stage and has been for the last year. Also, I only have so much patience each day, so I know if it’s drained (because I’m short on sleep, work was annoying, etc.) then I either choose activities that will be less likely to result in a blow-up (1.5 hour evening bath “soak” sessions for DD because I just can’t take it anymore, or chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for dinner, why yes, thank you) or I ask DH to handle solo and I take the time to do something quiet (whether it is work with focus and lack of interruption in the dark and silence (apparently I am part cave troll) or just scroll on my phone with no one touching me).
AwayEmily says
+1 to everyone who said taking a deep breath/walking away. The bonus is that this is GREAT modeling for them about how to deal with tough feelings. I will often say “Please stop. I need a minute,” and then breathe in for a count of five, out for a count of eight. They almost always stop what they are doing and watch, and then when I’m done we are all calm enough to continue.
Also — I think it’s awesome that you want to yell less. That being said, I really don’t think it’s inherently bad to yell sometimes and i hope you are not too hard on yourself, because it sounds like you are doing the absolute best you can and dealing with it really well.
I did not come from a yelling family…my dad would just be very quietly gaslighty and cruel. And he never, ever apologized. Unsurprisingly, this was not great for my mental well-being. My husband, on the other hand, does yell now and again, as do I, and both of us apologize afterwards, reassure the kids that they are NOT responsible for how we feel, and talk together about better ways to deal with our anger in the future.
ANon says
This happened to me because of the pandemic. The stress and fear during the time turned me into a yeller. I’m not a yeller at all. I mentioned it to my doctor and he put me on antidepressents for severe anxiety. It has been a complete godsend. I am back to my old self: calm, patient, sympathetic, and loving toward my kiddo. Our circumstances have not changed (still WFH, still limited childcare, etc), but my attitude about it all has shifted in a good way. I know the medication just a temporary fix for a temporary problem, which makes me okay with taking it.
I’m not advocating for medication, but I am advocating that you mention it to your doctor and see what he or she says. The way you feel is real.
ANon says
Also, to be more specific, I felt like everything was overburdening me and I felt constantly overwhelmed, which is what led to the yelling.
Anon says
Everything everyone else said, but also – if you have the means to make it easier – DO IT! I find that I am a lot nicer of a parent when I have my village/household helpers around. I drive an 8 year old Toyota, have a very modest house, but I buy ALL the services to get through this time. My parents also help. It makes me less stabby when my kids reject (healthy food) that our local personal chef brings, I need two hours when the 12 year old mothers helper on my block takes the kids to the park on Sunday so that I can get my life together, my school age kid goes to aftercare even though we’re WFH, etc. I think it is a very reasonable reaction to lose your s#@# in this environment, so see if there are ways you can lighten the emotional/mental load.
Anon says
Due to a re-org at work, I got a new boss about 6 weeks ago and she’s infinitely better than the prior boss. Since then, I became pregnant and am now 7 weeks along with my second child. When do I tell? Note that I’m WFH until September, at least. I had my first child at a different company and was struggling so badly with exhaustion and morning sickness that I disclosed early at 10 weeks.
Anon says
When you feel ready to tell her. I’d be fine with any of my directs telling me at any point up until the 20 week anatomy scan without thinking “Hmm, why’d they wait so long?”. After 20/21 weeks, then I’d think it was odd that you waited so long to tell me (unless there’s some other testing-related reason that is post-20 weeks that I’m not aware of). But anything 20/21 weeks or earlier is good in my book, because that gives plenty of time to plan for coverage. Do what you feel comfortable with.
EDAnon says
+1 Same goes for the other parent (since my expectation is the both parents will take some kind of extended leave)
2 under 2 says
A friend’s second kid is celebrating her first birthday soon. We’d like to give her a birthday present but are torn between buying books or a toy (which they may already have + generally contributing to a-ton-of-crap) and giving a gift card (which seems … uninspired?) What do you think – is personalized stuff (water bottle, etc.) a fun/useful present for a second child? We got to overwhelmed with toys for our kid’s first birthday and had to ration them out, but I feel like at that age, I was also buying eating utensils, etc. and gift cards or fun eating gear could be a good gift. What was the best first birthday gift your kid received?
Anon says
i often ask. some things though can be good to have 2 of, like a baby doll stroller if both kids want to play at the same time. i also think water bottles and other consumable type things can be good as kiddo will probably soon be transitioning from bottles. also, if you give a toy or books or whatever, just give a gift receipt and you an always return. i was very overwhelmed with everything we received when my kids were born (very grateful to have so many generous friends and family, but no, my twins do not each need 7 towels with their names on them).
Anon says
Bapron Baby Bibs. The. Best.
Anonymous says
I really dislike getting personalized things because they’re impossible to give away or donate afterwards. I think books are always appreciated- if you want toys, sidewalk chalk never lasts long at my house and we always need more of that. Same with dot marker coloring books.
Anon says
+1 books or consumable art supplies are my go-to.
CCLA says
+2 We always do books (not the classics because everyone seems to have multiple copies of the very hungry caterpillar or goodnight moon) or consumables like chalk or stickers or the like.
Anon says
Yes, we avoid classics too. I like to go in and browse a local bookstore – my kid enjoys shopping for the books, we’re supporting a local business at a difficult time, and they’re more likely to have unique books that people don’t already have.
Mary Moo Cow says
I liked personalized things for my second, because so much was handed down, and personalized things felt like hers alone. For birthday gifts, loveys/stuffies; kids’ music (I actually enjoy Okee Dokee Brothers), or experiences: a family membership to the zoo or children’s museum, etc. One year olds can unwrap with help and appreciate the surprise of a gift emerging from the wrapping, so I make an effort to include a wrapped gift, but, parents appreciate the experience gift. That said, best gifts we’ve gotten have been stuffed animals and blankets that kids love year after year. Also, I am incredibly sentimental, but I keep every birthday card my kids get. I can’t remember individual gifts they got, but I treasure the cards.
Spirograph says
Exactly. For me, it depends on the personalized thing. I really liked the personalized lovies that people gave me for my 2nd and 3rd kids. I wasn’t going to try to give those away anyway, and it was nice that the little one had something that was unambiguously theirs in a household full of shared toys and hand-me-down clothes.
anonamama says
Hello by Highlights Magazine! A friend swears this as her go-to and gifted it to us. We keep them in the car and in diaper bags and they are always a hit.
Anon says
I gave a close friend’s son this for his first birthday (on a recommendation from here) and it was a big hit.
Anon says
All of our lift-the-flap books were trashed after kid #1. I would have loved to receive new ones for kid #2.
Anon says
+1
AwayEmily says
Definitely books. They are so sick of all of the books they have, especially those that they have read to two different babies (or at least I was by that point).
DLC says
I liked getting clothes at that age. Usually by one, all the clothes that people have gifted me in the “new baby” phase are too small. My kids were winter babies, so nice hoodies and sweaters were well received. Not sure what the summer equivalent is, though? a beach cover up or romper? Grippy socks or Zutano booties?
Io says
I always get a library bag for one year olds. I get personalized tote bags on Etsy (usually one with a reading kid on it, sometimes the name and some book-ish slogan). And I toss in a board book or two.
For two year olds I get the Roll n Play game. For threes, Chunkies paint sticks and paper pads. Fours get Tiny Polka Dot card game. Fives get Sleeping Queens card game and an early chapter book.
After five I try to know a kid well enough to be a bit more thoughtful about their interests. Even if it’s a general topic for a book or art supplies (sports v animal books; paint v stickers). Gift cards after age ten, but for bookstores usually or occasionally music or art supplies.
Anon says
i had written down, per a rec from the site, to get the book Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents – is it the one by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons? What age is it best for?
So Anon says
I’ve recommended that book! I read it for the first time when my oldest was 6 and youngest was 4. It continues to be helpful now that they are 10 and 7.
OP says
thanks! i have a 3 year old, the book says it is for kids beginning at age 8 – does anyone have any recs for the preschool set?
CPA Lady says
I have also recommended this book. I still think it would be worth a read right now, so you have a good foundation going forward. While the specific strategies work best for older kids, just understanding the cycle of how anxieties are formed and either reinforced or overcome was extremely helpful for me. The main point of the book can be summed up as “when you allow your child to avoid things they are afraid of, you reinforce their anxiety by teaching them that you don’t think they are capable of handling their fear and that they are right to be anxious. Instead, you should make your kid face their fears in an age appropriate way while being emotionally supportive and giving them the tools to succeed.” The book goes over helpful ways to discuss fear (it’s a normal feeling that everyone feels) and strategies to teach your kid to face their fears. Which is the exact thing my CBT therapist did with me when I was in my mid 20s and having severe panic attacks/agoraphobia. It’s not comfortable, but I am living testimony that it works.
The book also helped me be calmer about my daughter’s fearfulness. I had to come to terms with the fact that different kids have different personalities, and just because my kid wasn’t running headfirst into an unfamiliar situation the way some kids do, that wasn’t something pathological that needed to be fixed. It’s just her personality. She usually needs a minute to observe before jumping in. And that’s okay.
I don’t really know if there’s such a thing as a book that you can use to teach a 3 year old how not to be anxious, broadly speaking. Anxiety in a 3 year old is so different from anxiety in an elementary school aged child. You can certainly talk to your child about fear, but they are not rational in the way an older kid is. I know there are Daniel Tiger episodes about specific fears, like the one about how grownups come back. Is there something particular your kid is dealing with?
Hair help says
I am struggling with my 3.5 year old daughters long, thick, somewhat curly hair. It just isn’t feeling clean – I don’t know if the shampoo isn’t right or we aren’t getting it fully rinsed out. It also tends to still be wet from her bath when she goes to bed and so she wakes up with lots of tangles. Help!
Anonanonanon says
I put my daughter’s long curly hair in a loose braid every night. Otherwise she wakes up with it incredibly matted.
Mary Moo Cow says
For the cleanliness, try switching shampoos. I prefer a 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner instead of a 3-in-1, but may need separate shampoo and conditioner for my girls as their hair gets longer and there seems to be more of it. For the tangles, try brushing when it is wet with a detangling spray (I use Suave Kids Free Marigold) and a Tangle Teaser brush or a Wet Brush. (I switched to this method after I had to lop off a 6 inch piece of hair with a tangle I could not get out.) You could also try braids at night.
No Face says
My daughter’s hair is very long, curly, and voluminous. I wash it every 3 or 4 days. I use Taliah Waajid Berry Clean Shampoo. I wash and rinse twice while she’s in the bath to get it clean. After bath, I add leave-in conditioner, comb, and put it in two braids (side by side, or top and bottom). The braids don’t come down until her hair is completely dry. No tangles!
She can wear whatever hairstyle she wants on non-wash days.
Anon says
Consider “Malibu C Hard Water Wellness Hair Remedy” (not the whole line, just the little packets). This is what my stylist recommended for me, and it was a night and day difference after one treatment. I do not know why my hair needed it when other household members did not; maybe it’s something to do with my thick/wavy hair texture or the gentler shampoos I use for my waves.
Anon says
That was about the age that we switched to adult shampoo and conditioner. My kids have lots and lots of hair and needed something more than kiddie 3-in-1 shampoo to get their hair clean. Quality adult conditioner also really helped with tangles.
Anonymous says
What shampoo are you using? It should be an actual shampoo (not baby) or a kids curly hair shampoo (Cantu or something similar. Target usually has an area for kids curly or non-Caucasian hair). We found that we have to use the shower to rinse out all the shampoo/conditioner now (DD is 4). Then I do a leave in conditioner spray and comb while wet to get the tangles out. You can try an occasional clarifying shampoo. My hair needs the Nexxus clarifying scrub a few times a month.
Anon says
For my brown-haired annie (3.5) I use the J and J curly shampoo with shea butter (peach bottle) and the ultra hydrating conditioner (white bottle), and we let the conditioner sit while the tub drains and then rinse. I will say that with her hair I have to rinse pretty thoroughly as it is not uncommon for the underside to still be dry even after you pour a few jugs of water over her head. I also add a spray detangler at night and braid it most nights (and then she just wears the braid to preschool in the morning), otherwise it’s a matted mess and I have to wet it down and comb it out in the morning (water, spray detangler and a wet brush) if she will be seen in public (otherwise we just let it ride until bathtime again).
Waffles says
My kid has to use a separate shampoo and conditioner, otherwise her hair tangles like a bird’s nest.
I use an apple cider vinegar rinse when my own hair isn’t feeling clean enough. A few tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in a cup of water, poured over scalp and hair, massaged in, and left to sit for a few minutes before shampooing and conditioning. Helps a lot with buildup.
My kid and I use Turbie Twists to dry our hair. It helps absorb a lot of water from her almost waist-length hair while she is toweling off.
When I have to detangle her dry hair, I use a spray leave-in conditioner before brushing with a Tangle Teezer or Wet Brush.
Hope this helps!
OP says
Thank you all! I really appreciate it and will try out these ideas.