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AwayEmily says
My kindergartener’s class is doing a musical performance in late May. They will sing a few songs, it’s very cute — my older one did it two years ago. But he really, really does not want to be on stage.
I’m really torn — do I “make” him do it? Part of me thinks it would be good for him to be pushed, and to see that he can overcome his worries around this. So far we’ve taken the “yes, we recognize this is hard, but you have to do this” approach. This is our default approach when he gets super nervous about things like going to camp, going to birthday parties, etc, and it has worked well so far.
But it is really hard seeing him sobbing in genuine distress (way more than the usual birthday party anxiety) when he talks about going on stage. I’m wondering if instead, I should suggest he talk to his teacher about other ways to participate (e.g. by helping with costumes).
Sigh, I don’t know. Probably the answer is that there is not a right answer but I’m hoping some of you with similar kids could advise. Thank you!
Mary Moo Cow says
I would ask the teacher what his/her opinion is and then make my decision. If Teacher says its obviously distressing him and he doesn’t need to participate, then you’re all agreed and no harm. If Teacher says he’s participating in class and is surprised to hear he’s upset at home, then you can talk about that make a decision. If Teacher draws a hard line on participating…I probably would push back because it’s just kindergarten. He’ll have years to get comfortable (or not!) being on stage.
FWIW, I had no idea DD would be upset about performing in a preschool Christmas pageant and when she came reluctantly walking down the aisle, gripping her BFF’s hand, silently crying, I was taken aback. Not a great time or a great memory.
Anon says
I wouldn’t make him. Stage performances are less essential to a normal life than things like camp and birthday parties, and he’s still so young. He has plenty of time to get more comfortable being on stage. I would encourage him to talk to the teacher about it himself, rather than reaching out on his behalf, if you think that’s something he can reasonably manage.
Anonymous says
My oldest is like this. We normally gently push, BUT since you said he’s sobbing in anticipation, I would ask the teacher if he can opt out or participate in a different way.
Spirograph says
I think either of these approaches is fine, as long as *he* is the one who initiates with discussion with his teacher and asks about other ways to participate. I would not intervene on his behalf, but it’s likely the teacher will contact you before making a decision, and you can feel out how he/she is handling it at that point.
Maybe ask him what, specifically he’s concerned about, and see if you can address that. If he’s never been on stage before and it’s a huge fear-of-the-unknown thing, just letting him know what to expect might go a long way.
Anon says
ohhh! I love this approach from Spirograph — what a great idea to empower him. Coach him through how to approach the teacher, and maybe even role play how the conversation would go. When I was in a similar situation, I also reached out to the teacher first privately so she knew I was aware and approved whatever alternative role she helped him select. In my case, it meant she was also more receptive to the conversation when it happened, which was really great positive reinforcement for the next time he had to advocate for himself. She did not mention to my son that she had already spoken to me about it; he felt like he secured the accommodation on his own.
Spirograph says
That’s a really good point about giving the teacher a heads-up first. I did this, too, when my son wanted to miss a day of school for a sports tournament. I emailed the teacher to expect him to talk to her about it, and that I would support her decision either way, but I didn’t tell my son that I’d done that. I just helped him think through what his teacher’s concerns might be so he would have suggestions to bring up as part of the conversation. It ended up working out very well!
Anonymous says
Along these lines, try encouraging him to wait until after the dress rehearsal to make his decision. He may feel better about it once he’s had that experience. I am a seasoned public speaker and musician who still has terrible stage fright after decades of experience. Seeing and hearing what the hall is like from the stage (I always run the tricky bits with the pianist in the hall the day of before the audience arrives, even though I’ve usually had a dress rehearsal in the hall) is one of my best strategies for ratcheting down the nerves.
anon says
I don’t think that’s a reasonable expectation for an anxious 5 yo. I know mine wouldn’t have felt comfortable raising her worries with her teacher, especially in front of friends. So the only way the teacher would have been aware that she was anxious is if she started crying in front of the whole class–that seems needlessly cruel.
Anon says
What I would suggest doing is emailing the teacher and letting her know the child wants to discuss something with her (you can even mention the general topic) but then letting the child have the actual in-person discussion. If they don’t seek out the teacher, the teacher will approach them (privately). Kindergarten teachers are pros and they aren’t going to have the kid standing their sobbing in front of the whole class, they’ll figure out a way to have this discussion privately.
Anonymous says
+1. At this point, the kindergartener has spent many hours a day for an entire school year with this teacher. This isn’t like forcing a shy child to talk to a stranger to give their order at a fast food restaurant (although tbh, also a life skill that I encourage), the teacher is a trusted and probably beloved adult. And yes, probably a pro at calming kids and finding ways to put them at ease.
anon says
+1 for talking to the teacher, given this is a K-er. I also just heard from another K mom that a kid in her child’s class threw up in front of everyone at the performance. That would be so horrible and not helpful for getting the LO to participate in later years. Talking to the teacher is what I’d do with my DS if he was worried as you describe. It doesn’t have to be participate/not, either, as you point out. It can be “Dear Teacher, at home LO is expressing strongly that he doesn’t want to be on stage. Has he talked to you? What do you suggest?” The teacher might deal with this yearly and already have a plan in mind that will put LO and you at ease!
Anonymous says
My 5 year old would not have been able to do this. It’s ok to advocate for your young child.
Anonymous says
I would talk with the teacher to suss out how strongly she feels about full participation. I would also find out whether this is something your son has some interest in doing but that scares him (a reason to push with support) or something he just absolutely does not want to do.
A couple of my friends have kids that age in a children’s music program who at least sort of want to perform but get very intimidated when the time comes. The solution their teacher offers is to let the parent go up with the child. I would not do this for a school performance, but it works for these particular kids in this setting and they always seem to come away happy that they participated even if they spent half the time looking at their parent instead of singing or whacking the xylophone. But the descriptions I get from the parents of the drama surrounding these performances has convinced me that it is just not worthwhile to force a reluctant 5-year-old to perform.
anon says
Often the build up is worse than the actual event for my anxious child. She’ll cry for weeks with worry and then, when the day comes, happily march onto the stage and perform with everyone else.
I’d encourage him to do the rehearsals (with a spot in the back). Let him know that if he chooses not to participate on that day, he can stand on the wings instead of being on stage, but he needs to be part of the practicing in case he chooses to participate.
anon says
I’ll add that I’d also stop talking about it as much as you can. That just builds the anxiety. Reassure him if he says he’s worried, but don’t bring it up proactively.
Anon says
talk to the teacher. and it sounds like you’ve been doing the right things as the only real way to overcome the anxiety is to do the thing, even if it is hard. i’ve been listening to lots of podcasts about anxiety lately and they all say that avoidance is one of the worst strategies
Anonymous says
I generally agree about not allowing avoidance, but performing in front of others is a more age-appropriate expectation for maybe a second-grader than a kindergartener. I wouldn’t push it until that age.
Anon says
yeah, I think when people talk about avoidance creating anxiety, they’re talking about normal life stuff, like going to school and social gatherings. I would say a 5-6 year old not wanting to be on stage is very normal, and not something that’s going to create a deep anxiety spiral if he opts out. I have a kid who is anxious/fearful in some ways (though usually not about social stuff/performance) and we generally didn’t push too hard on stuff that scares her, e.g., swimming. We figured that she’d likely get there eventually, even if it was a bit later than some other kids, and we didn’t want to create a hatred of the activity. And so far that strategy seems to be working fine.
Spirograph says
Really? All of my kids had similar performances at their preschool graduations, and then again in K. I can see not pushing a young kid to do a solo performance if he or she isn’t into it, but standing up with your class and singing a song with some little hand motions is a very, very typical rite of passage for this age.
Anon says
Eh, my first grader has never had a school performance. I get that it’s a fairly standard thing, but I also don’t think it’s a big deal if a kid doesn’t want to do it. At this age, I see it more like an extracurricular that can be pushed off if it’s not fun, than something you must do like going to school/camp and learning how to socialize with peers and be respectful to adults.
Anonymous says
It’s pretty usual for preschool but I see so much bad behavior in that age group that I just don’t think it’s worth pushing at that age.
Anonymous says
I really question the value of “performances” at that age. So many of the kids are crying, looking sideways, forgetting the song or the choreography, shouting instead of singing, getting out of line, etc. that the cute moment just doesn’t seem worth it. Like why are you even bothering to have a dance recital if Miss Teacher has to stand in front of them and demonstrate the twirling because they aren’t old enough to remember it?
Anon says
i have two kindergarteners who will also have a “performance” this year. idk if a stage is involved. they also performed some kind of song last year. i’m assuming this is not like a solo, but standing up there as a big group where if you just stand there doing nothing it is ok? so just tell your kid he can just stand there to support his class, but doesn’t have to sing or whatever.
octagon says
Are there any steps you can take to help him get comfortable with it beforehand? Can you (and any other family members) go to the school and have him practice getting on stage, seeing you in the audience? See if you can tease out whether he’s afraid of performing, or of being on stage in front of an audience, and think about whether you can help him through that.
I wonder whether the music teacher or his teacher is really hyping this performance up to help the kids understand that it’s a big deal, and it’s backfiring for your kid in some way. Can he be placed on the back row, or next to a close friend for extra support?
If nothing seems to help him get a little more comfortable, I’d be fine letting him skip it. Or maybe he will be “sick” that day. If this is a continuation of a pattern with anxiety in social situations though you may want to seek out play therapy or OT to help him develop his skills more.
Anon says
If he hasn’t performed before, he probably has no idea what to expect or what he specifically finds scary.
I’d encourage him to practice with the class and to make a decision whether to go on stage on the performance day. Give him the option, but don’t dwell on it like it’s a big deal. “Oh, you think performing on stage might be scary. Yeah, doing things like that the first time can be scary. Uh huh. Do you have a favorite song for the performance?”. “Oh, you don’t want to perform on stage? Well, it’s important that you practice with your class so you learn the songs. We can talk to your teacher about options if you don’t want to go on stage on the performance day. But let’s see how the practices go. You might feel better once you have practiced more.”
Anon says
We toured a local daycare that is part of a large chain and liked the look of the place, but in reading the state mandated inspections later, there were two different citations for a staff member yelling at a kid and a staff member being “rough” with a kid from about five years ago. Several negative Yelp reviews speak to the incidents as well, but without a lot of detail as to circumstances. Best I can tell, these weren’t to prevent a child from running in front of a truck. Would you write off this place or ask for more information about how they were handled and if the staff are still there?
Anonymous says
I wouldnt write off the center based on something that happened five years ago. Feel free to ask about how they handled, but I’d doubt those staff are still there.
Anon says
I think it’s worth asking. I would try to ask somewhere local parents may be, like Facebook groups for your town plus any local parenting-specific Facebook groups. That’s where all the real reviews are.
Anonymous says
I am a foster parent and I look at all the state incident reports for potential day cares and take them seriously. That being said, I do not take into account incidents that happened more than two years ago, unless it indicates a clear pattern of neglect. Honestly, I would be surprised if the staff involved in these incidents even work there anymore.
anon says
Five years ago is an eon in large chain childcare center years. I doubt any of the same employees still work there.
Anon says
Not necessarily…. we were at a large chain center and many of my elementary schooler’s former teachers are still there, including all three infant teachers.
anon says
Find the local FB parent/community page and post that you’re looking for feedback on XX center. You’ll get some current, honest reviews.
Anon says
This is the way.
Anon says
I just I found I’m pregnant again. I have one healthy toddler, but I’ve had two losses since. Please send sticky baby vibes and any useful advice on surviving the next few weeks. I’m both cautiously happy and terrified that I cannot handle the grief of another loss.
Anon says
Congratulations and fingers crossed for you <3
Anon says
Congratulations! I’m in the same boat as you minus already having a child. What has helped me is making plans, keeping busy with reading at home, and reminding myself to take it day by day. I find the reading especially useful because you can get into another world for a while.
Anonymous says
I was in your exact shoes. It really, really sucks and I was pretty sure that if I lost that third one, I couldn’t do it again. That baby turned 5 last week, so it can be done—but you and I both know I had no control over that.
I found some comfort in the mantra “Today, I am pregnant.” I did my best to just go day by day and not get caught up in the what ifs. That being said, I found it really hard (even when I had far surpassed my loss weeks) to be excited about my baby until 1) we passed viability and 2) she was in my arms.
It’s okay to have whatever feelings you have, but today, you are pregnant. Be happy for today.
Anon says
I’d like to hold an end of year playdate/party for the girls in my daughter’s Girl Scout troop (that I co-lead) so they have a chance to hang out in a less structured setting, but every weekend from now until the end of the school year is fully booked with birthday parties and end of year recitals and events. Our school gets out on a Wednesday so I was thinking of holding it the next day, Thursday. Is that weird? Camps in our area mostly don’t start up until the following week so I imagine there are some parents who will be WFH that day and would appreciate getting their kids out of the house for a few hours, but I don’t want to appear tone deaf to working parents by hosting an event on a Thursday afternoon.
Also, for activities I was thinking of having beads for friendship bracelet making and sugar cookies to decorate, and of course we have a playroom with toys. Does that sound like enough stuff to do? The troop is ten 6 and 7 year old girls.
anon says
If you did a Thursday afternoon at like 3, as a working mom I’d be way happier than when schools plan things for like 9am on Monday! I prob wouldn’t even mention “leaving” my WFH early on a Thursday, unlike the 9am events.
Anonymous says
I would not add anything else to the calendar at the end of the school year. Do it on a weekend partway through the summer as a way for the girls to stay connected.
Anon says
We will probably do some outdoor play dates over the summer, but a lot of people will be traveling for a large part of the summer so I think those will be sparsely attended. I was hoping to get most of the troop together one last time.
Anonymous says
Isn’t that what the last meeting of the year is for, where parents are invited to watch the awards/bridging ceremony?
Anon says
We’re not sure if we’re doing the bridging ceremony now or at the beginning of next school year, but either way it will be a pretty simple thing, ~15 minutes at the end of a regular troop meeting. This is pretty different and intended to give the girls a chance to hang out in a less structured setting. Totally optional, but I think the girls will enjoy it. They really like hanging out with each other, and have complained that there isn’t enough play time in the meetings.
anon says
I’d just be prepared that a lot of families may use that long weekend to take a trip, especially if there’s not childcare.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’ve done this before, right down to bracelet making and cookie decorating! Most girls invited were able to attend, thanks to WFH parents or grandparents splitting drop off and pick up duty. We did it once in the early afternoon (with the idea that parents could drop off around a lunch break) and once in the later afternoon so parents could pick up after work hours. The girls had more fun just playing than with the crafts, so I think you have enough stuff planned.
Cb says
We did a weekday birthday party the week before school goes back (when there are no camps), and we acknowledged the weird day, said people were welcome to drop off early/pick up late, and knew that some people would decline. Honestly, I think people were grateful for even 4 hours when normally their kids would be home, and some people buddied up to split pick up and dropoff.
Anonymous says
As a mom with a very scheduled 7 year old, the day, time and activities all sound good to me!
Anon says
I don’t know how well this would work for you, but last year (with 12 kindergartners) we did our last meeting at a playground (instead of our usual indoor space) and had it be pretty chill and informal. we made fruit salad and decorated cupcakes, but the rest of the time the kids just played together.
We’re bridging this year and intentionally not planning it for after school gets our because multiple families are leaving town right away.
Growing pains says
Have any of your kids had growing pains, especially if they also occurred intermittently during the day? My preschooler is having pain in his leg- sometimes one leg, sometimes both. We had it checked out by the pediatrician and x-rayes etc. But I’m just really surprised to hear they think it’s growing pains. I sort of thought they were just a myth?
Anon says
Not a myth, my very tall kid has them on and off around age 4. Good you got it checked out, but they’re totally a thing.
Anonymous says
Mine had growing pains, mostly at night. My husband did as well. Both my kid and my husband started out as very tiny kids and then grew to above-average height quite rapidly, which I always assumed had something to do with it.
Cb says
My 6 year old has them. Sometimes both legs, sometimes just 1. Worse at night. The NHS says they are a myth but there is no other cause, and loads of kids have them.
anon says
One million percent not a myth. I suffered for so long as a kid. They came in spurts, coinciding with my growth. There’s not a lot you can do but please be sympathetic to kiddo now that you know they’re real. I used to just like putting ice on my knees. Total placebo move, but it felt like I was doing something.
Anon says
here’s a new one — I have [whatever word indicates the opposite of shy] 4 yr old twins. They *love* to “be silly” with adults. In practice, this means they frequently basically mob whatever adult is nearby – coaches on their soccer teams, dads at the bus stop, etc.. Twin A will start by giving a high five to an adult or something similar to get their attention, and especially if the adult reacts in a kind and engaging way, twin A will just view that as open season to (a) give more and more high fives, (b) run through the person’s legs, (c) give hugs to the person’s legs, and at some point, Twin b sees how fun this looks – and joins in. It’s … a lot. I’m struggling with how to curb the behavior — so far, we’ve focused a ton on when I say “stop,” they need to stop, but often they are so charged up it takes a minute to stop and gets awkward. My husband thinks we need to set a firm rule that they shouldn’t be allowed to do anything but give high fives to other parents, and as I type this out…I think he’s probably right. But I guess I leave the comment as is, and just curious if anyone else has experienced this, and found a good way to curb the behavior without killing the spirit….
anon says
I’m with your husband. The kids have shown they are not able to respect others’ boundaries and bodily autonomy, and therefore can’t be trusted to pull back when appropriate. A blanket “no touch” approach is needed until they can control themselves.
Anon says
I think this is pretty normal, and there’s a good chance they’ll naturally outgrow it. My kid was like this at 4, but now at 6 is quite shy around adults she doesn’t know. If they’re coaches they’re used to having kids hanging off their legs, but you can and should still be giving the kids reminders about keeping their hands to themselves and not touching other people unless they say it’s ok.
Anon says
I think where I’m struggling is that usually the parent is a willing participant and is “okay” and encouraging, and then it escalates. So, it is largely within the boundaries of behavior that has been accepted and welcomed by a kind parent, but — especially because there are two of them, they just hype up and it feels like a lot. I’ve not been able to figure out how to let them continue to be silly and fun with adults, but cut it off before it gets to be too much, so I guess the blanket cut off of only high fives is probably where we need to land for now. Glad to hear that it also naturally tapered off. I was super awkward around most adults growing up bc my mom would always pull me aside after any interactions to tell me all the things I said/did wrong, so I’m trying not to give my kids the same complex, but clearly am not hitting the balance right!
Anonymous says
I think a “high fives only” rule is best under these circumstances for all the reasons you give. Letting them climb all over other parents actually puts the parents in an awkward position. If they don’t want the touch they are essentially forced to discipline someone else’s kid to get them to stop, which these days is frowned upon.
Anonymous says
The spirit is disrespecting other people’s physical boundaries so I think yes, you do want to tamp that right down! One high five and then step back and give them space. Enforce it every single time. You have golden retriever kids and like puppies they need training.
Anon says
Oh man this totally made me laugh – they are 100 golden retriever puppies. I have always thought of them as my little “puppies” — from birth, they have just been these two totally silly little bodies that are constantly in motion, until they the moment they fall asleep, and I typically find them curled up together.
anon says
this
Anonymous says
High fives are fine but they need to ask permission before hugging anyone. 4 is not too young to start enforcing that.
Anon says
Yah, they ask, adult okays it, it’s the turning it off that’s an issue.
Anonymous says
Stop them earlier like after the first hug and before it escalates and redirect. ‘That’s enough now. Let’s do x’
AnonOP says
Thanks all — my husband will be stoked that the crowd sourced answer aligns with his instincts. We’ll tell the twins they can high five adults only when they want to be silly, and then they can make silly faces or hug each other if they want to keep playing and being silly.
What about the retired neighbor that expressly asks them for a hug? She will often come out when she sees us in the driveway, and open her arms and say “where’s my hug?!” The girls will run to her and give her huge hugs, and I feel weird telling them they have to stop this?
Anonymous says
You could have a chat with the neighbor and explain the high five rule if you think it would go well, or you could make a “one hug but don’t knock her over” exception for Mrs. X.
Anon says
this to me is different. as long as no one is forcing your kids to participate in the hugs, but someone is asking, they want to give hugs – i dont see a problem. that is different from hugging someone without their permission
Anonymous says
No one is suggesting you stop this lovely interaction. But the guidance you need to provide is that older people need gentle hugs because they can fall over more easily and that a hug request is one hug and then you give space or ask if you can hug again.
Anon says
I know phonics is the preferred way of teaching reading these days. but is there such a thing as being *too* phonics-y?
My kindergartner is decent at sounding out simple words but it’s still such a struggle and slow going because she sounds out literally every word except a few very short sight words like “I”, “A,” and “the.” I feel like other kids I see reading more fluently do a mix of phonics and whole language, and sound out unfamiliar words, but also recognize a word they’ve read before or a word that’s obvious from context clues. I know it’s not a race and her speed at sounding out words will eventually improve, but I’m wondering if I should be gently nudging her to do more than just phonics.
(Caveat, I’m a whole language kid for whom it worked amazingly well – I not only did very well on reading tests, but also love to read – but I know the research says it doesn’t work for a lot of kids…)
Cb says
I think so. My son’s school does all phonics and the reading didn’t click until we did a focus on high frequency words over the summer. We did flashcards and it sped up reading and made it so much easier and much more fun for him.
I felt a bit tiger mom but he went from midway to the reading scheme to the top of the scheme over the 7 week summer holiday, and now is reading much more happily and confidently.
OP says
Thank you! I don’t think you’re a Tiger Mom so maybe doing something like this makes sense for mine too. They’ve learned a few sight words in school but it doesn’t seem like enough. Do you have a list of words you used?
Cb says
I think I googled a list of Dolch sight words and wrote them on the index cards on a ring.
anon says
I would use decodable readers to practice reading (e.g., Bob books, Dear Dragon, Biscuit books). When they read, kids will practice sight words as part of practicing phonics, as kids naturally memorize commonly used words through repetition. Both skills increase at the same time. I don’t think you have to do any separate practice of other reading methods and I would discourage guessing based on pictures.
Anonymous says
Even phonics-based programs will usually incorporate some “sight words” for high-frequency words and those that don’t follow the phonics rules. I don’t think there’s any harm in drilling some sight words using flash cards, videos, an app, etc.
Anonymous says
It’s totally normal for them to take FOREVER to sound out words initially, but also, she should be practicing some reasonable sight words alongside the phonics instruction. If you don’t already have a list of sight words, ask the teacher or Google one.
anon says
Personally, I wouldn’t mess with her learning if she’s still being patient with sounding out. But maybe try adding in some audio books and/or reading out loud to her some fun chapter books so she’s still getting some fun reading that will help keep her motivated to learn herself!
Anon says
This is how many kindergartners read. It is painful to listen to. Does she also have a list of sight words to practice? My kids always enjoyed sight word bingo (diy’d on a sheet of paper).
Anonymous says
Yet another example of why you need to critically evaluate all parenting/educational advice and not necessarily take everything to the extreme! Many high-frequency English words do not follow the phonics rules and need to be taught as sight words.
Anon says
That’s why you start with decodable readers with the minimum number of non-phonetic words. Once they can read those and have a solid understanding of decoding using phonics, then you can add harder words and reading materials.
OP says
Yeah, she is only reading early readers that are highly phonetic. So it’s not that the words can’t be sounded out, it’s that they don’t all need to be.
As one example, she was reading a book about the beach and then there was the word “peach” and I thought she could maybe make the connection that it was beach with a “p” sound, and avoid sounding out the whole word again. But she couldn’t. I’m not sure if there’s a good way to develop that skill, but I feel like it was hugely helpful to me when I started learning to read to make connections like that.
I’m definitely not trying to encourage guessing from pictures.
Anon says
Changing the first letter and rhyming is absolutely part of practicing phonics. I just don’t think there’s a huge benefit to memorizing words like “very” or “much” as common sight words when they can be sounded out. By the time she’s comfortable sounding them out, they’ll likely be memorized anyways just from reading practice so there is no reason to practice separately with flash cards, etc.
Anon says
This will come. She is supposed to be learning to sound out right now. You don’t want her to rely on “tricks” too early. My kindergarteners would read the same exact word a sentence apart and sound it out both times.
Anonymous says
The rhyming readers are designed to develop exactly the skill you describe. One way to accelerate that development is to write out all the rhyming words from the book on a sheet of paper and have her sound them out one by one. She will get the idea pretty quickly.
anon says
I’m 16w pregnant, and in that time I’ve had 3 different colds, covid, strep, and now pinkeye. Needless to say, this will be kid #2, and kid #1 is in daycare.
Pardon me while I throw an angry pity party for myself.
Cb says
Oh no!
Anonymous says
Right there with you! And of course my husband also catches all the colds and then he has to stay in bed.
OP says
Oh bummer!
Anon says
I’m pregnant with #3 (2 littles in daycare) and right there with you. So far I’ve had: covid, flu, 2 stomach bugs, 3 colds, pink eye, ear infections… It’s so awful without the use of Advil or decongestants. Pity party away…
DC SMC says
How did you decide how long to breastfeed or pump? My daughter turns 8 months next week, and I am getting so sick of pumping. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks because she was born 6 weeks early and then never took to breastfeeding, so I’ve been exclusively pumping since the start. And I’m so sick of it. It wasn’t that bad when I was on leave, but after being back at work for 3 months I just feel done with it. I initially told myself 6 months, and then I said I would pump till 9 months. But I’m not sure I have the motivation to pump for another 5 weeks.
Busybee says
I’m 6 months PP with 36-weaker twins. My goal was initially four months to get them the NB phase and winter. Then at 4 months things were going really well so I made my goal six months. Now it’s annoying so I’m making my goal 8 months, and will wean then. Why?
1. I don’t want to feel like I quit too soon and if I quit now, I think I will feel that way
2. I’m running a fairly lengthy race in September and don’t want to have to deal with pumping
3. By 8-9 months they’ll be eating a decent amount of solids so it seems like kind of a natural slow lessening of milk then anyway
4. I want to wear my cute summer clothes which do not include nursing flaps ( I pump and nurse), and I don’t want to buy more clothes
5. Pumping takes a lot of time and the babies are fun and playful and I’d like to spend more time playing with them rather than pumping for them
Maybe those reasons are silly and arbitrary but there you have them!
Also I exclusively formula fed my now-2.5 year old daughter and she’s bright and healthy and delightful, and I’m not at all into the whole “breast is best” thing.
Anonymous says
I pumped for 6 months, then did only wake up and bedtime nursing for through 10 months or so, when my supply dried up. I was so tired of pumping and it was not working out with going back to work, so I gave myself permission to stop. I then actually enjoyed the nursing because it was just bonding time, no pressure.
Anon says
I did it until I felt like stopping. Sounds like you may have hit that point.
Spirograph says
Same. And fwiw, I quit pumping at work around 8-9 months, but continued to nurse until closer to a year. They can be separate decisions. Do what works for you!
Spirograph says
oops, sorry I missed the part where you’re exclusively pumping. But still, do what works for you!
This reminds me of Annie Duke’s “Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away” where she talks about the dark side of goals. The point is basically that letting go of a goal doesn’t erase all the benefits you realized while you were working toward it, and when you recognize that something isn’t serving you well anymore, make a new decision based on present info. You made it 8 months! that’s great, celebrate what you did and know that it’s ok to choose to allocate your time differently now.
Anon says
I stopped at the emotional point you are at right now, which was different ages for each of my kids. The decision to stop with my first was really tough, but I was absolutely miserable — and was also staying up later and later and later because I would just sit next to the pump, dreading it, and just kept pushing it off until I would finally pump at like midnight, exhausted and miserable. I *finally* stopped, and I became a better, happier mom. With my later born kids, as soon as I felt myself getting to the point you just described, I stopped — maybe at 6 months with the last kid, and 8 months with the second kid? Kids are all older (10 and 8 and 6), and everyone is healthy and thriving. I wish I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself and waited so long with my first, honestly.
anon says
You have this internet stranger’s permission to stop! I stopped around that age and wasn’t even pumping exclusively, just at work, and even then was over it. It’s ok, you’ve done great! If you’re really torn, maybe just drop pumping to once or twice a day and see if you get some still. GL!
Anon says
I daytime pumped (at work) for 2 kids until about 10 months, then switched to formula during the day and did morning/evening nursing sessions until 12 months (when I weaned fully). I felt very done with pumping by 10 months (started to wean off the pump a few weeks earlier). Also, by 10 months my kids were really good solid eaters so their daytime nutrition was less focused on milk (breastmilk/formula). You do what works for you! Exclusively pumping for 8 months is A LOT! Kudos to you!
Anon says
It sounds to me like you are ready to stop. You have my full permission! If you aren’t ready to pull the trigger just yet, try dropping one pump and see how you feel. I stopped at 6 months with my first because I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin every time I pumped. I was SO miserable and I felt like pumping was preventing me from actually spending time with my daughter. I am currently pregnant with my second baby, so we will see how it goes this time around. Do what works for you, there is no “right” or “wrong” answer here.
avocado says
Someone started a “three good things from your weekend” thread on the main page, and I am so stinking proud that I’m going to share my response here. Please reply with your own weekend wins!
1. My daughter, who has been in the chorus of exactly one musical in her entire life, had the lead in the high school musical. She is a cute little soubrette soprano with zero experience in a main role so we thought she’d be extremely lucky to get cast as the lead’s daughter. Instead, for reasons no one understands she was cast as the brassy mom which is really a contralto role. She rose to the occasion, absolutely owned the part, sang with better technique and musicality than she ever has in her life, and brought the audience to tears multiple times. Talk about ending high school on a high note. I have never been so proud of her.
2. My mom, whom we haven’t seen in two years because someone gets sick every time we plan a visit, came and watched every show.
3. My 89-year-old father-in-law also saw it.
Spirograph says
I love this, congrats to your daughter!
Anon says
I love this! Congratulations to your daughter.
avocado says
Thanks to you both!
Anon says
WOW, congrats!! I’ve been reading here long enough to remember your daughter when she was much younger, and congrats — what a gift! I love hearing that she ran through the finish line, so to speak, in high school, and so glad you were able to enjoy with her grandparents. It stinks that this didn’t post until so late, so feel free to re-post tomorrow – what an awesome kid!
avocado says
Aww, thank you! It’s especially sweet because things haven’t gone as smoothly for her in high school as I would have wished, especially with COVID disruptions. She has worked hard and achieved a lot that has gone largely unnoticed, so it was nice to see her get a chance to shine.
Anon says
ever since my kids went back to school without masks (so the 2022 – 2023 school year in our case) whenever they get sick, i get sick with something more severe that lasts almost twice as long. I think I spend about 8 weeks a year sick at a minimum. Most of these are things like super bad colds, where I am so congested, sometimes get fevers, etc. I’ve talked to my doctor about it and she is just like everyone is different, etc. This past weekend I saw my sister and she said “how are you are sick again?!?” as her greeting – that is how frequent it is. I am otherwise totally healthy. Try to prioritize sleep, fluids, exercise, general eat decently healthy. Any ideas? It is just so disruptive to my life, to have the level of cold that basically makes me want to stay in bed and get the minimum done in life/work
Anonymous says
This was me until 2020. I got everything the kids brought home from school but worse, plus I got sick every time I got on a plane. I had bronchitis for nine months straight heading into COVID lockdown. Since then I’ve done much better thanks to 1) more aggressive asthma treatment that coincidentally began right before COVID hit; 2) requiring my family to mask on public transit, in doctors’ offices, and in theaters; and 3) whenever anyone in the house is sick, making that person stay in their room and running air filters in every room, including right next to my seat at the kitchen table.
I have considered requesting testing for a primary immunodeficiency.
OP says
my daughter is 5, so idk i can really require her to stay in her room when sick rather than want to be with me in my bed. especially if DH is out of town when she is sick, i can’t just leave her to fend for herself. she actually shares a room with her twin sister and somehow I get sick more often than her sister does (even when they share a lollipop!)
Anonymous says
The sick kids in bed with a parent thing absolutely mystifies me. I get that people don’t want to banish their 5-year-olds to solitary confinement for a week, but if you let your sick kid sleep with you then you’re practically guaranteed to catch it. If you are vulnerable to illness you do need to take some precautions.
Anon says
I agree. If you’re sick 8 weeks a year, then co-sleeping with a five-year-old has to go. That’s too much.
OP says
i’d happily banish her from my bed…but then she just keeps coming back in and ends up waking her sister. she otherwise is fine sleeping on her own in her own bed. but when she is sick, she can’t seem to comfort herself and it seems mean to force her to and to then lead it to waking her sister. she does not sleep with me on a regular basis, but when i’ve already taken her back to her bed 2+ times and i need to get sleep, sometimes the past of least resistance/maximum sleep is she stays in my bed
Anonymous says
Well, you have made your choice then. You can’t have everything (kid in your bed + no exposure to germs). You have to pick what’s important to you.
anon says
Yeah, agree. Sleeping with a sick kid seems to be a more likely culprit than an immune system deficiency!
Anon says
I also frequently let my kid sleep in bed with me when she’s really sick. I feel like we’re already sharing the same air all day and unless you’re going to make a consistent effort to isolate, mask and have the windows open and/or run air purifiers (which we did for Covid but not other illnesses) you’re already exposed to all the germs and sharing a room at night isn’t that much added risk. I haven’t noticed any difference in whether I get sick or not based on whether or not my kid shares my bed, fwiw. We do try to avoid sharing food, which I think helps a lot, particularly with things like stomach bugs and strep that aren’t spread just by breathing in the same vicinity.
Anonymous says
I would talk to a doctor again. Yes, I’m sure that often (usually?) it’s just crappy luck, but I went through two years like this 15 years ago, and I ended up going to an ENT and it turned out I needed sinus surgery. It solved the problem for me. I also have a friend who was recently diagnosed with an immunodeficiency.
OP says
what kind of sinus surgery did you have? i’ve had a handful of sinus surgeries in the past, but maybe it is time for another one
Anonymous says
I had a nasal polyp that needed to be removed.
Anon says
Removal of tonsils and adenoids can also help, if you still have either.
anon says
Following this thread for a friend. She sounds like OP, and I just told her I’m concerned and wondered if she should get checked for anything else just out of an abundance of caution!
Anon says
I’m sorry, that sounds awful! I think it’s worth pushing the doctor for immunodeficiency testing. That seems abnormal to me. What my doctor has told me is that if you have kids who get sick a lot, it’s normal to catch all their viruses, but if it’s taking you a long time to kick things or you’re developing secondary bacterial infections, that’s a sign of immune issues. It sounds like you might be in that bucket.
Also do you take a multivitamin? I saw a big decrease in how often I got sick once I started doing that, but I’m admittedly not the healthiest eater and probably don’t get enough vitamins from my diet.
Anon says
To this point, get your labs done. I just had mine done and while I was in the normal range for most things as far as my HMO is concerned I was far from ideal ranges. I talked to another doctor outside of my HMO and am currently working on things like getting my vitamin D and ferritin levels up. My HMO seems to only care that I’m still standing.
Anon says
I would do a couple things. Get a full, full blood work up from your doctor. Maybe you are low on certain vitamins, like D or B12 and that could contribute to low immunity, general sick feeling. This time of year, I would try doing steady allergy meds for a while to see if that helps. What seems like constant colds could be seasonal allergies and you need a while for the allergy meds to build in your system to see if that helps. You can also try stepping up hand washing but you probably already do that a lot.
OOO says
+1. The reason I was getting sick so often was a Vitamin D deficiency. Now I take a supplement and get sick much less often.
OP says
i had that and now take a supplement. sounds like time to follow up again with my doctor. i’m open to suggestions for how to get a sick 5 year old to stay in her own bed
Anonymous says
Put the one who isn’t sick in the guest room so the sick one doesn’t wake her up, then get serious with the sick one.
Anonymous says
For the past two years I have been sick more often than I ever have been before. But it’s also the first time I’ve had three children in school/day care. I chalk it up to that, but I’m also exploring possible sleep apnea so maybe it is sinus related. I suspect not though. I’ll try to report back. I also conspiratorially think Covid opened up a new world of respiratory ailments that we hadn’t previously seen (we are all vaccinated). If I had a nickel for every time my pediatrician has said “I’ve never seen x behave this way.” I’d have a lot of nickels.
Anonymous says
My pediatrician has said that an awful lot lately too. The most fun was when she explained that an adenovirus and an enterovirus had merged to create the monster bug that was giving everyone respiratory and gastrointestinal symptoms at the same time.
Anon says
I commented on a thread about this topic last week. If you get sick more than once a year, especially with a bacterial infection (strep, pneumonia), talk to your doctor about testing for primary immunodeficiency. The testing isn’t complex and it’s important to treat if you do have PID.
Anon says
That seems really low to me for people with daycare or young school age kids. I think my kindergartner has a pretty good immune system after years of daycare and she only missed a couple of school days all year, but she had several colds, a stomach thing, and strep this school year, and I avoided strep and the stomach thing but caught pretty much all the colds, plus a flu that may have been from her (if she had it, it was asymptomatic/extremely mild) or from someone else. But the colds were mild and over in 2-3 days.
Catching lots of viruses if you’re exposed to lots of viruses isn’t surprising or evidence of immune issues. It’s if you can’t kick the virus for a long time or it’s always turning into a secondary infection like bronchitis or pneumonia that it’s evidence of a problem.
Anonymous says
Agreed. If you get sick more than once a year the most likely culprit is…being a parent of young children. If you get sick more than four times a year (hi, it’s me), you should probably look into it.
Anon says
It is too low; the official guidelines for when to refer to a PID immunologist are different from “more than once a year.” It can definitely be life changing to learn about a PID, and the diagnostic delay is often 10+ years, so I understand the desire to put out PSAs.
OP says
usually not bacterial. these are usually just viruses
Anon says
I would still get tested if things are lingering for weeks. It’s a simple blood draw to start – very doable at no cost to you.
Anonymous says
I think eating yogurt and taking elderberry supplements seems to help.
Anonymous says
I used to get sick a LOT more when I was in-office. Like I swear it was bad air filtration. Now I get maybe 3 colds/year maximum and never take antibiotics. My family never tested positive for Covid (the doctors think we have some weird natural immunity). This may be woo-woo but we REALLY prioritize outdoor time. Daily walks and outside every evening/weekend it’s tolerable. This is good for your lymphatic system and vitamin D. I’m also always barefoot in the yard because I truly believe in grounding. Elderberry supplements in the colder months. We change our house air filter every 2 months. Could you get an air purifier for your room? The only adult I know who gets sick super often is on immunosuppressants. So it sounds like something is off. Have you had your blood sugar tested? Are you overweight?
Anonymous says
I don’t go outside barefoot because I remember reading about hookworm in history class.
Anonymous says
Do you live in a third world country? If not, you don’t have to really worry about hookworms. Hookworm infections are exceedingly rare in the US. My kids just got a different parasite (from childcare) and it was super easy to treat.
Anonymous says
I will bite. I hate being sick and am a little bit of a hypochondriac molecular biologist. Based on the info you’ve provided, here are my personal thoughts:
-don’t let the kid sleep in your bed, but make a bed up in your room for her. Use a new, fancy dog bed/big cushion if you don’t have a mattress option. You can get a dog bed/or portable pad for <$100, maybe get a cool sheet that's only used for sick nights. See if that helps cut down the illness. This isn't perfect to minimize respiratory infections but should help over them breathing directly in your face
-consider masking around the kids during their worst coughing days
-wash your hands often (like every time you think you may have touched a shared surface, wash your hands, then put lotion on. pretend you're a doctor in surgery)
-never share plates and cups with the kids. When they're sick, don't let them serve themselves from family platters.
-really teach your kids to cough away from other people into their elbows and make them wash their hands more often.
-for GI bugs, give the sick person one bathroom in the house and try to quarantine if possible
Anon says
when you host a bday party, do you have enough cupcakes for all kids + all adults, or just the kids with some extra? we are having 47 kids and 43 adults (yes i realize this is insane), but I really dont want to end up with dozens of extra cupcakes. Do you think 60 cupcakes is sufficient?
Anonymous says
I would have enough for all kids + all adults, on the assumption that many adults will decline but many kids will ask for seconds.
anon says
+1. This. Totally. (Plus, I love cupcakes and like when parents are fed at parties).
NYCer says
With the caveats that I have never had a party nearly that large, and we always do a sheet cake not cupcakes, I would probably get enough cupcakes for kids and adults.
Anon says
Kids + extra. We normally host ~15 kids and I get two dozen cupcakes, so we definitely have enough for all kids, plus a few who show up unannounced or bring siblings, and then I can offer to adults but I think it’s very unlikely many adults will eat cupcakes unless they’re from a fancy bakery like Sprinkles or a local equivalent. I got called a snob for saying this, but I’ve never seen an adult eat a Costco/Walmart cupcake, which is what we (and everyone else) serves at kid parties. I don’t think you need to offer seconds to the kids, and I think if you buy 90 cupcakes you’re going to have an insane number of leftover cupcakes.
It’s more work for you in terms of serving, but you can get large cakes that serve 50+ so that might be a good option for this party.
Anonymous says
Yikes, that’s a big party, good luck! We’ve also done a sheet cake for bigger parties, but I think 60 cupcakes is likely sufficient for your planned guest list. I miiiiight bump it up to 72 (assuming you’re buying by the dozen) if you’re the type of person who would be mortified by running out of food; however, there’s nothing wrong with telling kids no-seconds, and most adults will not expect a cupcake when they’re parent-of-the-guest, esp if you have other food on offer. Also, don’t be shy about sending cupcakes home with people if you have too many.
Anon says
That is a lot of people! And no, I don’t think that is enough cupcakes. I get enough for everyone, and if I end up with a ton of leftovers, I drop the extras by our local fire station. They have been accepted with gratitude, even if they are later dumped after I drive away :)
CCLA says
Yeah get enough for everyone. We offer up to the local buy nothing group any leftovers, last time I think they went to a teen robotics club practice. A cake instead of cupcakes is easier to adjust the serving size on, but cupcakes are just infinitely easier to serve in general for a group that large. We’ve had a couple of whole class parties that size and we get enough for everyone, it’s just easier. If you want the best of both worlds though, get 48-60 cupcakes and also a small sheet or round cake, that way if you run out you can start into the cake.
Anonymous says
If you’re inviting 90 people have 90 cupcakes. Heck have 100 you’ve already crossed the crazy line
Anon says
How well do you know the people attending? With one group of friends, I know that many of the adults would take a cupcake. With another, I know that basically none of the women would but that many men would. Unless you know it’s like the second group, I would get enough for every adult and kid to have one
Anonymous says
I would get enough cupcakes for everyone.
Anonymous says
I would also suggest a cake. That gives you flexibility to adjust for fewer (strep hits the class and a third of the kids can’t come) or more (half the kids show up with a sibling) guests than anticipated by cutting larger or smaller pieces.
In my area it’s typical for adults to finish the cake their own kid leaves over, but they don’t take a separate slice even if there’s plenty.
Anon says
I plan for parents even if they seem to very rarely eat. i wkll also send cupcakes home if we have leftovers. It doesn’t get rid of all of them, but a lot of people will take one for siblings or some such.
Anon says
I’d probably do 60 cupcakes and then a few other desserts. Getting more cupcakes risks a lot may go uneaten.
Anon says
It’s super late but in case you see this, if the parents are just chaperoning their kid bc the kids are young, 60 is fine. If the parents are actual party attendees and this is truly a multi-age party, I guess you should have more (though doesn’t have to be cupcakes). I did cupcakes for my kiddo’s 5th bday this year, where each kid had a parent there and had more cupcakes than the number of kids but less than the number of adults and we ended up with tons of extra cupcakes. And no one wanted to bring any home. I agree with the poster that said that, unless the cupcakes are from a fancy bakery, parents aren’t going to be clamoring for cupcakes. Adults usually take some to be polite but don’t expect anything. And parents definitely don’t want their kid to have a second cupcake!
Anon says
I agree with all of this. No one wants to take them home, no one wants their kids to have seconds and I would have a no second cupcake rule for the kids regardless. I find most adults don’t want one, especially depending on time of day. I’m surprised by the sheet cake suggestions, I cannot imagine having to do the labor involved in cutting up and serving 90 individual cake pieces in the moment (since you can’t do it before) while also trying to host 90 people.
Turtlemania says
I always want a cupcake. I also don’t mind taking one home for the kids to have later.