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Updated: Jul 16, 2019 196 Comments · by April
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April is a working mom, a longtime reader of CorporetteMoms, and wrote our morning fashion advice for working moms from April 2018 to October 2020. She has one child (born 2/17!) and she’s a public interest lawyer in NYC.
WWYD says
Regular poster, anon for this since I am (probably unreasonably) concerned about outing myself.
My ideal career path has me taking my next role managing P&L for one of our businesses, and until recently it didn’t look like any of the guys in charge of those businesses was going to leave. Well one of the spots just opened up unexpectedly. I have in the past made it clear that I want this role next. It’s only been a few days, but no one has approached me yet.
Normally, I’d be proactive and speak to my VP about it. However – we are just about to start TTC w/ #2. I know the standard wisdom is don’t do anything differently until you are actually pregnant, but we’re going to do an FET so I have a very high likelihood of getting pregnant within the next 3-6 months.
The other piece of this is my current role is rather cushy – it’s a new role, I’m able to set my own priorities, and I have a solid plan for who will cover for me on leave. In the new role, that’s all out the window – it’s managing the most challenging business and most high profile projects.
Would you
1) Take the job if they approach you, but not be proactive. They know it’s possible I’ll have another baby, and if they want me anyway, that’s on them
2) Be proactive, ask for the job, and who cares about maternity leave/new baby
3) Turn it down regardless, it’s a bad idea to take on a new bigger role during pregnancy and first year w/ a baby
Anon says
2
ElisaR says
I would probably do #1
Sasha says
It’s really personal whether it’s too much to take on a new role in Year 1 with a new baby. Some people love getting back to work and have sufficient support to do so, while others who thought they would go back to work decide to stay home entirely. I would say, go in with no assumptions about which type you’ll be, and plan accordingly, i.e., assume that your level of career motivation/energy/stress will remain the same as it is now (it probably won’t, but you don’t know for sure). From that approach, it sounds like #2 is the best way to go. And hey, if you do #2 and don’t end up getting the job, you never have to wonder “what if?” And if you do get it and things get really hard once the baby comes (if the baby comes), you can reevaluate and make a change then. But there are too many unknowns for you to preemptively lean out at this point, IMO.
OP says
That’s a great point about too many unknowns. I can definitely interview for the job (even if they have tagged someone else for it, they will still have to let me interview) and it will be good experience/exposure.
GCA says
I would probably do 1 or 2, depending on a number of things: how long have you been with the company? Do you have many years’ proven track record of solid performance or are you relatively newer? Have they had a chance to see you at your best when not in a harried, sleep-deprived fog? What is the worst-case scenario if you do proactively ask and receive, and what is the worst-case scenario if you don’t? Age is a factor – what might the FET success rate be?
OP says
I’ve been here about 5 years, so I had a few years proven track record before #1, and they did continue to promote me after I went on leave. My concern is that I personally won’t be able to give my best self to running the business while pregnant/on leave/first year PP, not that they’d ding me for it.
Blueberries says
Have you considered that you at not your best might still be better than candidate #2?
Anonymous says
Great comment. And to add…this is especially true in the long run.
IHeartBacon says
+INFINITY
Anonymous says
2. You. Are. Not. Pregnant.
anon says
This. And I am someone who is extremely cautious about rocking the boat during the pregnancy/postpartum period, but I think you’re shortchanging yourself if you don’t pursue something that you obviously want.
lawsuited says
I would probably do 2, and then curse myself during my difficult pregnancy, too-short mat leave and until #2 was sleep-trained. If a friend asked me, I think I’d tell them to do 1.
anon says
Definitely #2. I was in a similar position recently and did #1. No one approached me about the position, so I didn’t apply. Now I’m in the annoying position of seeing someone else (who also has young children at home) in a role that I think I could do better. No one approached her about the promotion either. Learn from my mistake!
Anonymous says
Definitely 2. Don’t leave before you leave.
A says
2 2 2 2 2 2 2! 2 all the way. No man is out there asking himself these questions. I know it is scary and unknown but the C-r e t t e hive is here for you every step of the way. I have personally transitioned jobs twice with SUPER little kids (once coming off of leave into a brand new job/org, and once taking a new role at a new company when I was six months pregnant with my third and last kid) and would never say never if I were you. Good luck!
Anon says
Has anyone felt like pregnancy and the infancy years were a toll they had to pay to get to the point of being the parent they want to be? I’m dreading the whole process up to the point where my kid is around age 4/5, at which age I truly do want to be a parent. DH is against adoption/fostering unless we have health problems having a biological child and is very committed to being the primary caregiver, including looking forward to the early years that I’m not. I’m on board with having one kid as the right compromise of all things and my hesitancy to have children at all (as discussed on this board many times) but I’m curious if anyone felt like they were just counting down the days for the next stage and if that’s a fair feeling going into pregnancy.
Anon says
I responded yesterday to you on the main page, but the short answer is: yes, I felt this way pre-pregnancy, but it’s totally different when it’s your own. I enjoyed the baby years way more than I expected.
ElisaR says
i don’t think you really know how you will feel about pregnancy/infancy until you do it. That said, if you still don’t enjoy that stage, look at it as the price you pay for parenting and having a family. (I sometimes feel that way about these young years but try to remind myself to enjoy it…. and at times I do.)
Anonymous says
“i don’t think you really know how you will feel about pregnancy/infancy until you do it” — this is so, so true. I was the opposite of you, OP. I thought I was going to LOVE the newborn/baby days and I… didn’t at all. I really, really did not enjoy the newborn stage (and had untreated ppd until my baby was 5 months old). I do like it more now that I have my ppd under control, but it still isn’t the magical time I thought it was going to be. I am looking forward to when my daughter is more self-sufficient.
Anonymous says
+1 it seems like you’re putting the cart before the horse here. And a lot of parents will tell you “small kids, small problems.” Yeh an elementary school aged child may seem easier but you’re dealing with school, behavior issues, issues with friendships/socializing, managing THEIR social and activity calendar. And then middle school brings puberty and bullying. And then potentially sex, drugs, alcohol, getting into college in high school. Every phase has its struggles and benefits.
Anon says
Yes. I am not a baby-lover. I hate the first year. I didn’t start to feel better until my youngest (I have two) was 1.5. I sort of lost myself for those several years to not-fun pregnancies, c-sections, recoveries, and crying babies who gave nothing back. But around 1.5, they start to talk in short sentences. And oh man, talk about game-changing, seas-parting, rays-from-heaven type of lightbulb moment. These were the kids I was waiting for! This was the reason I went through that hell! I promptly had a second kid. After the second one, I got an IUD and my DH got snipped, ha.
The biggest joy in my life is to watch them develop into little people with thoughts and feelings and observations. It’s only getting better as they get older, and the school age years are some of my favorite yet. Getting through those first few years was horrible, but I’d go through it again to get to this stage (just kidding, I’m maxed out with two kids and never want to change a diaper again) and get to be a firsthand witness to their growth into a person. It felt like such a long slog back then, but now I’m so excited I get 10+ more years of awesome.
Anonymous says
It seems like I am a lot like you. It took a long time before I agreed to having kids. Part of my concern was that I wanted to ensure my husband would in fact be an equal partner. The other was that I had no interest in pregnancy or small children. I have several cousins that are adopted and that was my preference, if we had any children. We started researching overseas adoption options without first trying to have a child. Ultimately we decided to try having a kid (now 4). I cannot answer what will be the best choice for you.
For me, I had an ok pregnancy. It was not sunshine and rainbows, but it was fine. But then I had a traumatic delivery and PPD. I did not love the baby stage, but I never expected to bc I was never a baby person. The depression did not help. It became fun around 18 months and I have been loving it since the child turned 3. Although I cannot say I would put myself through the labor complications and depression again (we are one and done), I am supremely happy I have my child.
Anonymous says
I didn’t feel this way before my son was born, but I found the first year much harder than I anticipated and had a lot of “I’ve made a huge mistake” thoughts. I also hated being pregnant, which I did not anticipate at all. (I didn’t expect to have any issues with nausea since I had literally not thrown up in 20+ years, but then I was queasy for 36 weeks of my 42 week pregnancy. I still didn’t throw up, just felt miserable all day every day). So echoing ElisaR, I think it is really unpredictable, but not loving every minute of it is really normal.
RR says
Yes. I didn’t, and still don’t after three kids, love the infant stage. Obviously, they are cute and cuddly, and you love them, but they are a lot of work and don’t give a lot back. I do love toddlers and preschoolers, but mostly because they start to become real little people.
I think it’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do, and I wouldn’t have any concerns about not being a great mom. You may have a baby and decide that you adore the baby stage for your child (your own children are simultaneously more annoying than other people’s children and less annoying than other people’s children). You may never love the baby/toddler stage. You’ll love your child, and you and your husband will balance out your talents. He may be a wonderful caregiver to a baby while you don’t love it. And then you may be the tween-whisperer when he’s flummoxed. It all works out, and the very fact that you are concerned indicates that you will be just fine as a parent.
CPA Lady says
Me. Some people really adore toddlers, but a fair number of others just deal with it and get through it so they can have the number of kids they want. My husband is fiercely one and done, and I very rarely have an issue with that. I think now, when my kid is almost 5, would be a good time to have a second one, if I were going to do it (I’m not, that ship has sailed, etc.) I personally couldn’t handle more than one kid in that age range at a time. I loved my kid’s baby year, much more than I thought I would. The toddler years were as awful as I thought they would be, but we’re on the other side and it’s awesome again. And not to say those years were just universally awful. There was a lot of cool stuff along the way. But I personally did a lot of teeth gritting and getting through it and taking deep breaths and praying for patience.
Anonymous says
I expected to hate pregnancy. I actually loved it (to the point were I may be a surrogate for my cousin), and I loved ages 0-6mths. I don’t like babies in general. I didn’t like 6mths- 2 years because I hated the introducing new foods and cooking baby foods years. I’m loving 2-4 years so far.
It’s okay to not love different ages/stages but try not to assume you’ll feel certain ways about different ages/stages until you’re actually there because the experience of it may surprised you.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I had basically no experience with babies or small children going in. So I didn’t expect to enjoy the early years but knew that I wanted children. In the grand scheme of things, these years are relatively short, although it definitely doesn’t feel like it when you’re in it (as I am now, with a 9 month old and a 3 year old) and you will have many more years of forming relationships with older children. And yes, you may enjoy parts of these early years more because they are your kids. I liked the baby year (a lot more with my second), have a hard time with the toddler years and hope that the elementary years are a little easier.
Knope says
I didn’t feel that way going in, but the first 6 months felt really, really, tough with my first – he was a terrible sleeper, had severe eczema, I had breastfeeding issues, he was underweight, etc. But I have loved being a parent since he turned about 1, when I started to feel like he was easier and I was getting my body back to myself. He’s now 2.5 and I’m considering having a second, and I feel like I’m dreading starting TTC because I hated the beginning (and, frankly, being pregnant) so much. It’s a price I will pay, but sadly not looking forward to it.
Mrs. Jones says
Obviously many people love babies and toddlers, but I did not really enjoy those years. I enjoy spending time with my son so much more as he gets older.
Lana Del Raygun says
These are actually not safe! If the straps are rubbing against your kid’s neck, you can tug their shirt up, but you should not add any products that don’t come with the car seat or aren’t explicitly approved by the manufacturer. https://csftl.org/non-regulated-products/
Anon says
Yes, please don’t add anything to your carseat.
GCA says
+1, but these look like they would make nice baby-carrier strap pads!
FVNC says
I’ve used similar pads for stroller straps, but agree — not for car seats.
Anonymous says
Every car seat we’ve owned came with similar pads. I am surprised that some car seats don’t have them.
rosie says
You can ask the manufacturer. We were having the strap rubbing issue w/the Cosco Scenera. I emailed to ask if there was any strap cover that was safe to use w/the seat, and they sent some to me (for free).
Anonymous says
This. I’ve never seen a car seat without them.
Anonymous says
The cheaper carseats (like the Scenera Next mentioned above) tend not to come with them, but every car seat I know of has some available that you can request from the manufacturer and that are safe because they’ve been crash tested with the seat.
Lana Del Raygun says
I wish this were more widely known so people were less tempted to buy random aftermarket ones.
Anonymous says
Agreed. They don’t have cute animal faces, but totally accomplish the goal of not having straps cutting into your kids neck!
Anonymous says
We have these, learned they were unsafe shortly after we bought them, and never used them in the car seat. But they’re great in our bike trailer where this problem comes up. So it’s not a total loss.
Working Mom guilt says
How much time do you spend with your children? How much do you consider “quality time”, i.e. time that your attention is focused on your kids and you are engaged? Do you think this is enough (not judged on the basis of a social norm, just your personal preferences and potential future regrets)?
I see my LO an hour each mornings (except when traveling) and an hour most (5 out of 7) nights plus most weekends around the clock. I am generally content with working that much and love my career. I even felt better after reading (in Laura Vanderkam’s I know how she does it) that no one spending 35-40 hours a week on a job would complain they “never see their job.” However, I went to the pediatrician this morning and when I couldn’t answer some of the questions (e.g. how does LO interact with other kids? – well, I don’t know as I don’t have any playdates because I am working during the week when other Moms here meet) he responded that maybe I shouldn’t be working so much and will later regret missing these years. Now I feel bad (even though I know I shouldn’t). Any words of wisdom?
Anon says
Your pediatrician sounds like an a$$. Fwiw, I normally answer questions like “how does your kid interact with others?” based on feedback from daycare teachers. I figure they’re more objective than me, anyway. But seriously, you spend plenty of time with your kid and if you’re happy with your balance and how much time you spend working, that’s all that matters. Time for a new ped.
ElisaR says
agree
Anonymous says
I bet that your dr was a dog adoption person prior to going to med school. Work FT outside of the home? NO DOG FOR YOU!
Anon says
Best comment ever. It’s so true.
FVNC says
Your pediatrician’s comment was way out of line.
I agree with Anon above that you can answer these sorts of questions based on feedback from daycare. There have been plenty of times when I’ve had no idea whether my kid has done something on the form, and have answered honestly; never received any judgment from ped.
To answer your specific question, I see my kids for ~1-2 hrs in the morning and at night. The only reason I see them so much in the morning is because they are up at 6 am usually, lucky me! They get home around 6 and are in bed between 7:30 and 8. This feels like plenty to me.
Anon says
There was an article recently that referenced a study that I will quote for the rest of my life. Most working moms today spend MORE time with their kids than stay-at-home moms did in the 80s. Let that sink in. You are doing fine and your ped is living in a time that never existed.
Anonymous says
That’s interesting. Do you have the link? How is it even possible? FWIW I work and my mom worked, so I have no insight into the SAHM world.
Anon says
I’m very skeptical of this stat too. Maybe in certain very wealthy circles where mom stayed home and the family still had nannies. But my mom worked very part time (while I went to part-time preschool) and when she wasn’t working she was with me. She probably spent ~9-10 hours with me (awake) on most weekdays, which would be impossible for any working parent. She also pretty much most weekend days with me, except for occasional activities with my dad. Most of my friends had SAHMs that were similarly involved. Nobody in our Midwestern middle class suburb had a stay at home parent and a nanny (or any childcare except very part time preschool starting around age 3-4). To be clear, I don’t think more time is necessarily better! But there’s no way I could work and spend as much time with my kids as my mom did with us. And I have a 9-4 job.
Redux says
A scholarly study, published into the book Changing Rhythms of American Family Life published by the American Sociological Association.
https://www.russellsage.org/publications/changing-rhythms-american-family-life-1
anon says
I think the study talks about time interacting with children, not time spent with children. So, for example, SAHMs in the past might be able to let the kids play outside of the house with neighborhood kids. That would not count as time “interacting” together.
Anon says
It was a NYT article and I’m out of my free articles to find it again. But here’s a similar one from Quartz.
https://qz.com/1143092/study-modern-parents-spend-more-time-with-their-kids-than-their-parents-spent-with-them/
Redux says
+1, and your ped is a diiiiiiiiick.
lsw says
+1
CPA Lady says
I think it’s because we’re supposed to “be present” with our kids and play with them. I had a SAHM and she did not play with me, though she was in the house if I needed something. She was an adult and expected me to play with my sister because kids play with kids. Basically before the 80s, kids mostly entertained themselves, while now parents are supposed to entertain them proactively.
anne-on says
+1. My parents expected us to play with each other. We VERY rarely did weekend ‘family activities’ the way we (and most parents on this board do) ie – kids museum, outdoor sports, festivals, etc. etc. Heck, I recall my parents bitterly complaining about having to drive to drop us off at friends houses in other neighborhoods vs. us being able to walk or bike over a few blocks away. I also don’t recall my mom being especially friendly with or knowing our friends parents, but that may have been due to work.
In fact, I find it funny how much my parents NOW claim to enjoy doing all the ‘modern’ parenting stuff (going to playgrounds, kid’s classes, museums, aquariums, etc.) when all of that stuff was there when we were kids too but dismissed for being too much (money, time, distance, etc.).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Isn’t that around the time when the term changed from “homemaker/housewife” to “SAHM”? Probably because women now had options to work outside of the home, so the term mom was thrown in there to push them back home…
Redux says
Interesting! I never thought about this lexical shift. Changing the focus to being a “mom” rather than making a home (and all that implies, like budgeting, scheduling and coordinating, etc.)– all of which still tends to fall on a SAHM! The emphasis is completely changed.
Anonymous says
So true, I remember reading my grandparents’ wedding anniversary announcement in the newspaper that noted my grandpa retired from education and my grandma *is* (still present tense) a homemaker who also happened to raise 4 children back in the day.
One delightful couple I saw on Wheel of Fortune years ago: the man said he’d retired from whatever job and is enjoying helping taking care of the household, because the wife had “retired” from a “very successful career” as a SAHM, now that their kids were off to college.
Anonanonanon says
I think it was more direct interaction than literal time. As someone who was a SAHM for two years, it makes sense to me. I spent a lot of time cleaning (the house gets way messier when you’re cooking/feeding 3 meals a day in it, spending way more time in it, and can’t afford to outsource), running errands with the kid (so time in the car, in the store, in the post office, etc. which now only one parent does while the other stays home with the kids), cooking, playdates where yes they’re playing with other kids but I’m talking to the mom not playing with my kid, etc.
Mae says
I’m 2 months back from maternity leave at my big law job, and I’m basically working 9-5 with the occasional hour after bedtime and on weekends. I know this is not sustainable long-term, but right now my work load is just not requiring more hours than that.
Even with my “9-5” set up right now, I still only see my 7 month old baby for about 1 hour in the morning (plus another half hour during our walking commute, which I do try to use to talk to her but can’t really play or cuddle) and about 1.5 hours when I get home before bedtime. So basically your pediatrician is saying that unless you go part-time, you’re not spending enough time with your kid. That is just not a realistic option for most working parents, especially if you are the main breadwinner.
As an aside, if (when) my work ramps up to where I need to actually bill 40 hours/week, I have no idea how I will make that work except for (1) being 100% efficient at work – no wasted time except maybe 30 minutes to eat and pump and/or (2) billing 1-2 hours every night after bedtime/dinner, which would mean I wouldn’t be going to sleep until 11 pm and would get zero downtime with husband or time to work out (unless I woke up at 5:30 to work out, meaning I would be getting less than 7 hours of sleep per night). HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE THIS WORK? ugh!
Anonymous says
They don’t. That’s why there are so few women.
ALC says
:( I am a few months behind the poster above in a similar situation, and fear this is the answer.
Sasha says
Worm. Or they just actually don’t see their kids/spouse and have either a SAH partner and/or nanny(ies) supporting them.
anon says
Yes, to your zero downtime scenario. That is what they do. Either 1-2 hours/day very early in the morning–I know a few who wake at 5 to bill 1-1.5 hours–or do it after bedtime. That + billing through weekend naptimes and on early morning during weekends is how I did it until my kid dropped naps at age 4.
Or they pad their hours. I suspect that a few colleagues did that–not necessarily intentionally, but by overestimating how long things took them so by the end of the week, hey looky, 40 hours! I did it the hard way, and just went in-house when my oldest is school aged because work was taking over our weekends together.
Anonymous says
Yeah, when I was working in private practice and had a commute I got up at 5:30am to get myself ready, spent 6-7am getting the kids ready, caught the 7:30am train, was in the office at little before 9am, worked all day barely getting up from my desk to eat or use the bathroom and never to speak to colleagues, sprinted from my office at 4:15pm to catch the 4:30pm train, picked up kids from daycare a little before 6pm, spent 6-7pm feedings kids dinner and putting them to bed, spent between 7-8pm doing chores and eating dinner, and then spent 8-10pm working. After picking up the house and getting things ready for the next day, I was usually only in bed by 11pm. 6 hours of sleep a night (less if kids woke up). 2 hours a day with my kids, and it was NOT quality time it was “put on your shoes” and “what do you mean you don’t like cheese anymore” time. All to do the bare minimum at work – no big projects, no networking, just surviving.
Anon says
My kid is 2 with a SAHD and I bill anywhere from 20-70 hours a week, average right around 45. I see her in the morning as I get ready for about an hour, at night after I get home for 1-2 hours and on weekends. She keeps adult hours – sleeps roughly 10:30-8:30. I am in the office from typically 10-8 (less when not busy, more when yes), I probably work 1-2 hours a night after bedtime couple of times a week. I generally sleep midnight to 7-8, with one wakeup to bring toddler into our bed. If it’s a busy but not crazy week, I probably fit in 3-4 hours of work either one or both weekend days combined out of getting up early, working after bedtime, and working during naptime. DH and I don’t get a lot of one on one time, and I typically build in my exercise to chasing my toddler (or when the weather is less hot, we spend a lot of time playing outside, walking, etc.). This weekend toddler fell asleep while I was holding her in the pool (we’re dealing with nap refusal issues) and then napped in a chaise lounge for 2 hours while DH and I could just relax and it was glorious!
RR says
Just as a counterpoint, small children is a short season in life. It really does get better. They stay up later, they need less hands on constant care, you get more senior and able to make your own rules. I look back on when my oldest two were infants and toddlers and have no idea how I pulled it off, but it really is just a matter of staying in the game. It’s so, so, so much easier now that they are in school, even if they have tons of activities that they need shuttled around to. There is hope.
ElisaR says
this is really nice to hear.
Law mama says
It is so helpful to hear this – thank you
shortperson says
i have survived 5 years so far in biglaw with kids and i have always put in enough hours. ive done it by working at night after bedtime, working on weekends, and by taking 1-2 days a week to miss bedtime and bill long blocks of time. every year i have a couple months where things get crazy and then the rest of the year is much more manageable. we have a standing weekend babysitter and about 15 hours per week of housecleaning. the kids get better and life in biglaw gets better when you have more seniority.
this year, as a newly promoted counsel and with kids at 4 and 1, ive found myself with little bits of free time and am starting to take up old hobbies again (photography classes! baking!) and we have 529s, 401ks, vacations and savings and we are sending my big one to a private school that i adore, none of which we would have if i was not doing this. (if we could these things without me being in biglaw no way would i be doing this ;-)
DrPepperEsq says
Congratulations on your promotion!! You sound like a rockstar!
shortperson says
thanks! a true rockstar woudl be promoted to partner but im workign on it. and i should clarify that my kids are about to turn 5 and 2. newly 4 and 1 year olds were a different story in terms of my free time.
Anon says
I agree, the pediatrician sounds like a jerk! To answer your direct question, we spend 0-20 minutes together in the morning (DH normally handles the morning routine and there isn’t much quality time together anyway – we just get her up, get dressed, apply sunscreen and go to daycare), anywhere from 1.5-3 hours in the evenings normally (although some nights – like last night – she refuses to go to bed and we get 5 hours of “quality” time, oh joy) and lots of time on weekends, although DH and I usually give each other some weekend time off. We are big time introverts who don’t normally do any socializing on the weekends. I figure kiddo gets plenty of socialization at daycare.
I work 40 hours/week. I think my ideal would be working 25-30 hours but part time doesn’t really exist in my field and having a job is really important to me.
Anonymous says
When my kids were babies, 1 hour in the morning and 2-3 hours in the evening (when I left at 4, oh, the recession!), unless I was working late. And 24/7 on the weekends.
Now, it’s more b/c they stay awake longer even though I work longer hours. But frequently now work / home bleed over and I’m not 100% present even when I am there. At least they know what real life looks like — “we eat b/c mommy works; we have a house b/c mommy works; this is what it is like for mommy when she is working.”
GCA says
I hope you asked your pediatrician how much quality time he spends with his children. If you are happy with your balance, and your child is thriving and seems happy, I wouldn’t worry. The important thing is really the arc of a child’s life – is there someone stable in their life who loves them and responds to their needs? Everything else – playdates during the week or no playdates, nanny or daycare, weekend enrichment classes or free-range adventures – is just details.
Anon says
This. Own your decision to work. Your child seems happy and healthy so you’re fine!
IHeartBacon says
This.
CHL says
Chiming in to say your Ped sounds like an old fashioned d bag. I also love Laura Vanderkam’s books for a more realistic view of time and trading money for quality time. Also, I find this varies a lot by age. When they’re so little, they go to bed early, nap in the afternoons on weekends, so less time (but still a good amount). That changes. Also, for me, I LOVED our daycare and (this might sound terrible) I felt like they were better off spending their days there than with me, who would probably not do fun crafts, music, staring at one bug for 35 minutes to see what he does, etc. and end up snapping at them because I was bored. You’re doing just fine, and if you ever decide to change, it should be because it’s what you can clearly tell is right for your family. Not some old dude.
lsw says
I could have written this. Daycare is doing a way better job than me at providing a varied experience. Another mom and I were talking over the weekend about how her 3.5 year old came home and told her that her belly goes up and down when she breathes because of respiration. My son comes home with paint in his toenails because they made a footprint mural. They’re having a great time.
Redux says
Same. I love my kids and I am an awesome mom in part BECAUSE my career is intense and fulfilling. My family enjoy each other’s company and we have fun together on the weekends (weeknights are just dinner/bath/bedtime rush routine– hardly QT). By Sunday night, we are all ready to go back to work/daycare. I would be a terrible SAHM and daycare is amazing.
rakma says
I actually gasped when I read what your ped said. That’s not ok, and I’d seriously consider getting a new ped, not a new work schedule. I’ve had plenty of checkups where I couldn’t answer one or more of those developmental questions (no, i don’t know if she can put a raisin in a water bottle, who does that?) and it was never an issue, and certainly not an opportunity for a judgmental lecture.
How old is your LO? I’ve got a 5 yo and a 2 yo, and I do morning routine, plus dinner, bath, bedtime, and WFH one day a week. So around 2-3 hours day, closer to 4 on the WFH day. (This is with a 35/hour week schedule, which is normal for my field) Most of this isn’t what I’d consider quality time, because any adult can put them in pjs or try to get them to eat a reasonable amount of food, it just happens to be me at those times.
There’s definitely more quality time now then in the newborn/first year stage, because they have a regular sleep schedule, and we can actually do activities on the weekends where everyone can participate and I don’t end up a tired, snappy mess after 45 minutes.
Lana Del Raygun says
I literally laughed out loud at the raisin.
Clementine says
Um, if you can’t answer that question it’s because you CLEARLY have not grabbed the bottle of water that you have to make the baby’s bottle and found that your toddler HELPFULLY decided to put a bunch of raisins and cheerios that you had given him for a nut-free ‘trail mix’ into the water bottle.
Aand then you’re the mom getting a cup of water at Starbucks to mix the non-organic formula bottle (EGADS.)
Anonymous says
First off, I am outraged by your ped- if I were you I would file a complaint, and switch. Does he say that to dads?
To answer your question, I spend about 1-2 hours in the morning and evenings with my toddler and baby on weekdays and full weekends (I have put some hobbies on hold because I want that weekend time with them, although I do still go to the gym on weekends). That is exactly the same amount of time my husband spends with them, and we are both happy with that amount, and frankly by the time Monday rolls around, I’m ready to be in my quiet office thinking about adult things. When my baby was smaller, and easier (6-10 months is my favorite age), I would occasionally take a day off during the week to spend with just her.
Bottom line though, if you’re happy, don’t let some jerk make you doubt yourself!!!
Sasha says
How old is your LO? While I do think your pediatrician was off-base to suggest generally that working moms will “regret missing these years”, I can understand concerns about the fact that you’ve never (?) been in a situation to observe your LO interacting with other children, even on the weekends. This may have led your ped. to believe that you’re seeing your kid a lot less than you actually are, which may be where the disconnect comes in.
OP says
I do observe LO on the playground with other kids on the weekends and there is interaction as in handing toys back and forth and “talking” to each other, but no actual playing as far as I can tell. (LO does pretend play at home and with me though, so maybe there is playing with familiar kids, just not the strangers on the playground). The same with some of my friends’ younger kids. And of course I don’t know how the interactions at daycare look like.
Anon says
2 seems really young to be worried about how they interact with other kids. Before 2, they pretty much just engage in parallel play.
ElisaR says
totally. My son is almost 3.5 and he’s just starting to play WITH kids he has previously spent a lot of time playing next to……
anon says
you need a new pediatrician!!!!! i work part time and spend plenty of time with my kids, but at our last appointment when the pediatrician asked me some of those questions, i had no idea of the answers – our nanny had to chime in. my parents both worked full time for my whole childhood and i do not ever recall feeling like i did not get enough time with them.
Anonymous says
Complain to his practice head and get a new pediatrician.
OP says
Thank you all so much! To provide some more context: LO is 2, gets up really early, but also goes to bed early (which allows me to do some more work if need be or just relax a bit). I aim for 45-50 hours of work (8 am – 5.30 pm, plus some evenings and some time on the weekend when LO naps). I think ped’s comment was motivated by my apologetic and seemingly regretful tone (maybe trying to encourage me to spend less time working, idk). This doesn’t make it better of course. But I will work on owning my choices. I live in an area with many SAHMs and part-time Moms, so this impacts my feelings a bit as well. I am happy with how I balance things, but it is still too easy to make me doubt myself on this question. So I love hearing that I am not alone!
Anon says
I hope this helps somewhat with the question that triggered you feeling guilty about the weekday playdates..
I am a full time working mom, kids have gone to group daycares or preschools since they were 3 months old. Honestly, we didn’t really start doing “play dates” actually for the benefit of our kids until they were 3 or even 4 years old. Even then, I just took our 3.5 year old on her first play date (that she asked for) with a girl she sees every day at school & is one of her good “friends”… & even then she & the girl played independently probably half the time. My point is, I would definitely not feel guilty about not being able to take a 2 year old on regular play dates during the week. Those are probably just as much for the parents as they are for the kids (I don’t mean that negatively, that’s what I would do too). While learning how to interact with other kids with regards to sharing etc. is important, they will learn that in a myriad of ways.
Anon says
+1 my 3 year old has never been on a play date. Until age 3-4, playdates are for parents. DH and I would rather unwind, visit with existing (childless) friends or pursue our own hobbies when we have weekend free time, so we have little interest in getting together with other parents. 40 hours/week in daycare is plenty of socialization for a kid. So our kid won’t have playdates until it’s driven by her, and then it will probably be a drop-off playdate. I doubt I’ll ever spend a lot of time watching my kid interact with others. Which is fine – she interacts with others when she’s at daycare/school and I’m at work.
RR says
You need a new pediatrician immediately.
Now that my kids are all in elementary or middle school, I spend probably 30-60 minutes in the morning with them and 2-3 hours at night on weekdays. When my kids were very young and went to bed early (as early as 5:30-6 when they were infants), I sometimes saw them for only the bedtime routine. They are fine. Our relationship is fine. We are all totally fine–we are great actually. With the perspective of having 11 year olds and a 5 year old, I can tell you that they have benefited from my working. They benefited from time in daycare with other kids. They benefit by the time with their fun, outdoorsy nanny. They benefit by the time with their grandparents. They benefit by having always had tons of time with their dad too and from seeing their parents in non-traditional gender roles. They benefit from seeing their mom succeed. They didn’t need me to be less myself so that they could thrive.
I don’t care why your pediatrician said what he said–it’s inappropriate, and I’d find someone new–preferably a woman, although I understand that’s not always an option. Our pediatricians have always been women, and they have never questioned my working, even when my husband has to answer some of the questions about their development. (Obviously, not all women doctors are great, and not all men doctors are like this, but anecdata FWIW).
Anon says
Yeah I highly recommend a female ped for many reasons, including this one. Our ped was so supportive of our decisions to combofeed, move baby to her own room well before a year, put baby in full-time daycare, etc. Because she is herself a working mom and understands the importance of sleep and mom’s mental health, and that just because your kid is in childcare 40+ hours/week does not mean someone else is “raising” your child.
Clementine says
YEP. My pediatrician is a working mom.
The NP’s and PA’s who do the same day appointments are also working moms. They use daycare and they get it. There’s something amazing about having a medical provider look at you and just… get it.
anon says
Yep, I vastly prefer a woman pediatrician for this reason. The few times I’ve had to see a man at our practice, I have felt subtly mom-shamed. Or he offers “solutions” that are in no way practical if you’re not home during the day. Because you know what? Every single one of those male doctors has a SAHW. They don’t get it.
Anon says
Our ped is a man, but his wife is also a pediatrician, and after repeated sleep issues, they also co-slept. I have never felt less judged by a doctor! Went in today for back issues and saw an NP who was like “this would get better faster if you could just lay around all day, but you have a job and you can’t not pick up your kid, so let’s try XYZ.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with everyone else here – time for a new pediatrician asap. And especially don’t let this jerk convince you to quit. You have so so much time to develop a quality relationship with your kid(s) and it really truly doesn’t depend on the quantity of time you spend with them. FWIW, my parents both worked for most of my life, including many nights when neither would be home in time for bedtime when I was really little. I had other loving caregivers in my life and my relationship with my parents is great now.
By the time Sunday night rolls around, I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time with my kids (too much maybe…) For us, most weekdays, we’re with them for about 1-2 hours in the morning before daycare, and then 1 hour with the baby at night, and 2-3 hours with the 3 year old at night. Most of the days on the weekends, except for when my parents come by to watch them. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything about their childhoods. I wish I could miss a few tantrums here and there, in fact :)
Ugh, this whole thing makes me so mad at the patriarchy. I hate that this is the message that you got when the reality doesn’t support that ped’s statement at all.
Elle says
100% would get a new pediatrician.
Cb says
Your pediatrician is a jerk! My son comes in with us when he wakes up for milk, snuggles, and books so we get about 15 minutes there. We commute home together on the bus which is my most intense parenting of the day and then I try to play for 20 minutes before tackling dinner. I also have a weird schedule on Tuesday am, we spend the morning together and then I work from noon to 7 or 8. Typically do storytime and cafe date, then I drop him with my husband who has him for the afternoon.
Anonymous says
How old is your kid? I think the right answer to your question is that after a certain age, regardless of the number of hours of “face time” you have, you should be able to answer the ped when they ask how your kid plays with other kids.
This might be as simple as re framing the question in your mind- how do daycare teachers report your kiddo is doing? Or it might be time to spend some of your quality time with kiddo at the playground or some other venue where you can watch him with other kids.
There will be other questions- does s/he like [food]? how does s/he like to be comforted? etc. and you don’t need to be a SAHP to know the answers, but you ought to know after a certain age. What that is i’m not exactly sure. but i’d be really surprised if i asked the parent of a 3 or 4 year old those questions and got a blank stare.
I know my oldest is painfully shy, then warms up. Then she’s annoyingly bossy once she’s too close to a kid. My middle is a little shy and then a perfect playmate who is great at sharing. My youngest will walk up to strangers on a playground and ask if they want to play, throw out some ideas for playing and be totally fine if they want to do something different, as long as they can all play together. I see my kids a fair about but work FT.
Anon says
I know it’s late, but just to push back on this, I would never describe my kid as shy or bossy – I don’t believe in assigning kids labels like that. I’d be too worried I’m projecting my own perception of what I was like at her age or what I want her to be. I don’t give the doctor a blank stare when they ask questions like this but my response would just be “Her daycare teachers say she does a good job sharing with others in an age-appropriate fashion” or something like that. Doesn’t sound like this ped would have liked my answer any better – he was specifically objecting to OP not having a personal anecdote, and the fact that he brought working motherhood (what about the working father!?) into it tells me he would not have been cool with a “Daycare teachers say X” response at all.
Spirograph says
I can’t believe that your pediatrician said that to you. Like, I literally cannot believe that someone in that job would have that reaction and be that tone deaf to that particular issue. That would be a deal-breaker for me, and I’d find a new ped immediately or at least refuse to schedule with that one again if it’s a group practice.
Our schedule is similar to yours – DH and I are with the kids for an hour or so in the morning while we’re getting ready to leave for the day. We’re all awake together for 2ish hours in the evenings after work, including family dinner almost every night and story time before bed. Weekends are 90% family/adult + some subset of the kids time. I do not do (and have never done) weekend playdates although of course we get together socially with other families on occasion. I see my kids plenty! On the rare occasions when they’re all being angelic, I daydream how much fun we would have together if I were a SAHM and we could do science experiments and crafts and go visit parks, museums, and children’s libraries all day, but that is a fantasy. That is not what life as a SAHM with 3 kids looks like (even though that’s how I remember it from my childhood, my mom remembers it very differently).
TL/DR: I’m so sorry the ped made you feel bad. You’re not doing anything wrong, and I bet your child is happy and thriving. We’re not missing these years, we’re just scheduling our excursions on weekends instead of weekdays.
shortperson says
switch pediatricians. yesterday. there are plenty of good ones.
Mrs. Jones says
+1. this guy sucks.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Just want to say DS is 1.5 years old, and my schedule is almost the same as yours. I cannot imagine my ped saying this. You’re not the issue, your doctor is. You are doing everything you should be doing!
OP says
Thank you all so much! I really appreciate every comment and you made me feel much better. I love this community.
IHeartBacon says
My new response to these types of comments: “Tell me, does your free advice also come with a check so I can pay my bills?”
As for your question, I think the more important question is not how much time (i.e., minutes, hours) you spend with your LO, but how you feel about the amount of time you’re getting. You sound like you feel good about it, which is really all that matters. As for me, on weekdays, I get about an hour in the morning before the nanny and about an hour in the evenings. But it’s all really good quality time. Reading, playing, cooking breakfast together, playing with toys in the tub before bed, etc. I don’t see the chores (cooking breakfast, bath time) as chores. I really see them as an opportunity for us to have focused time together. On Saturdays, I work a little in the morning and spend the afternoons and evenings with LO, running errands. Sundays are 100% family days and they have become my favorite day of the week. I try to have one activity planned so that the day has a little bit of structure. Examples include going to the farmer’s market, visiting grandparents, swimming, going to the beach, taking a hike, having a play date, other free activities. We also take a family nap in our bed together on Sunday. Since I see Sunday as the end of the week, when I think back on the previous week, I inevitability think of our Sunday together and I re-feel all the wonderful parts of the day. I couldn’t tell you what I did last Tuesday (for all I remember, I stayed late at the office and didn’t put LO to bed), but if you asked me about last week, I remember we had a water ballon fight on Sunday.
ASD1 therapy for elementary-school kid says
Kiddo was just diagnosed with ASD1 (fka Asperbers).
Has anyone done any therapies for their kids (and did they work? were they helpful?).
One option involves taking a kid in for an hour (maybe more?) weekly and then an hour of parent training. IDK if I can get a sitter to take kiddo after school (which may defeat it — maybe a parent should be there to talk to the clinicians) or if I will have to take kiddo out of school and treat it like a medical appointment. [This place says it is high-intensity for the first semester after diagnosis so maybe it drops off once you know what you should be doing for ASD1.]
Or should I ask the school to provide a similar service via an IEP? [Will the school even provide good services? They seem so . . . not great. I know that they have two OTs who I know personally and love, but don’t know if OT is what works best with ASD1 kids. Anything else is . . . like hoping planes run on time. Sometimes you get what you want but frequently you don’t and then there is nothing you can really do to change that.]
Anonymous says
I think you need to go back to whoever diagnosed this and get a lot more information. Your child’s doctor should be telling you what interventions to do. If the diagnosing doctor cannot, then they should be referring you to someone who can. It’s a highly individualized thing, you can’t ask the internet.
FVNC says
In particular, I would ask the diagnostician about local support groups where you can get answers about the quality of school-provided services, whether the OTs work well with ASD1 kids, etc. It seems like you are already somewhat plugged into this world, if you know the OTs already, but identifying the right resources and therapies is going to require a deep dive with your child’s doctor and any therapists he/she already sees. When my child received an autism-related rx, we spoke with a social worker who was a tremendous resource — is that option available to you?
Anonymous says
We randomly know the OTs, we don’t know them professionally. But for randomly knowing them, I wouldn’t even know that elementary schools have them (where we are for one more year; IDK if middle schools have them in our city at all).
Anonymous says
I know, but with vacations and camp schedules, that is taking a few weeks to happen. In the meantime, school start is getting closer and if I need to have the school do anything (I feel like more help could only help and wouldn’t hurt, no? or maybe it is a bit stigmatizing? maybe it depends?), I need to start on that asap.
Annecdata is what I’m seeking. Not a treatment plan. :) This is all new to me and something to navigate and it helps. I seem to learn via stories, if that makes sense.
So Anon says
I found that figuring out how to proceed with an ASD1 diagnosis was incredibly challenging. I have not found the supports for these type of kiddos that exist for some other diagnosis. For me, there was little to guide the process and a fair amount of trial and error. It was, and continues to be, incredibly frustrating.
So Anon says
Hi there, My son was diagnosed with ASD1. We received the “official” diagnosis about 9 months ago, but knew that we were on this road last March based on what we were hearing from his amazing first grade teacher. We have tried play therapy, which was not helpful at all. Now, my son goes to OT once per week for an hour where they focus on gross motor, fine motor, visual motor, self-care and social skills. We go to a highly-regarded center, and it took 6 months on the waitlist for a spot to open up. Logistically, it is an enormous pain, but it has been the absolute best thing for my son and for our family. Our OT has become a trusted resource for both my son and I. She (and the other therapists at the center) are amazing. For me, it was hard to understand what they would do to help before we started. At each session, they begin by playing a game as a group, where there is an OT for each child, so they can help coach each child on interactions, taking turns, looking kids in the eye and asking appropriate questions. Then they work on individual skills. For example, they will work on a board game that is frustrating for my son and then help him process and work through those feelings of frustration. Our OT helps him articulate what he is feeling, what he needs and strategies on how to have his needs met in an appropriate way. She has helped him adapt to the many changes in our family and our recent move. She helps him come up with strategies to deal with his little sister or noisy hallways at school or wearing appropriate clothing (little dude hated wearing shorts). So for your kiddo, an OT could help develop strategies to handle the uncertainty of whether a plane will be on time and develop the flexibility that is frequently a challenge for kids with ASD1. The other thing that I will add is that I had no idea that my son had some of the challenges that he does and where those challenges originated until we had a full OT evaluation (e.g. jumping jacks are incredibly challenging and frustrating because intellectually, he gets how it should work but it is difficult for him to make his body respond appropriately).
For school, it is worth pursuing an IEP but your child may or may not qualify. Because my son’s ASD was not having an “adverse effect” on his education, he does not qualify. He is in the regular ed classroom, meets all bench marks and has no behavioral challenges. We were denied an IEP but have received a 504.
Anonymous says
I think we have a 504 and I am not sure re the IEP but might as well e-mail the school now, let them know of the diagnosis, and ask re what OT and other services are available and what we need to do for kiddo to access them.
So Anon says
I would write in email that you formally request an IEP meeting to establish eligibility for special education services. Magic words and all that.
Anonymous says
Thank you! See — “need to know magic words” was not even on my list of life goals. You all are great. Like Yogi Berra, I can observe a lot by watching :)
K says
Hi all, excited to be visiting here from the main site. I am barely pregnant with #1, and feel like a WHALE. Just super bloated and uncomfortable. I fortunately work at a casual workplace, but I’m definitely going to need to buy some loose clothes in bigger sizes to get me through the next few months. I wear dresses every day, so not interested in tops/pants/skirts/etc. Does anyone have suggestions of loose dresses with enough structure to fall away from my weirdly flabby lower abdomen? Thanks!
Anonymous says
Shifts! And throw a layer over it if your office is freezing. It breaks you up visually.
ElisaR says
at the very beginning of my first pregnancy I loved wrap dresses. DVF or Loft has more affordable options.
ElisaR says
obviously they kind of showed my belly at 18 weeks or so (but I was “out” then it was kinda cute)
Anon says
I was showing at 6 weeks with my first. I bought some really loose shift dresses at Old Navy and one jersey dress from the Gap. The belly was obvious in the jersey dress and the other dresses made it pretty clear I was trying to hide a belly but it is what it is. I finally gave in and bought some maternity clothing around 10 or 12 weeks and started wearing it immediately. I’m always dumbfounded when people say they didn’t need maternity clothing until 20 weeks.
Anon says
Yeah, I needed maternity clothing at 12-13 weeks. I think it is because I’m short and short waisted and the only place to go is out. Taller people’s bellies seem less prominent. They also don’t look as huge at the end.
K says
I am ridiculously short-waisted and now wondering if this is the reason why I feel like the bulge is so prominent!
Anon says
I’ve heard that about tall people, but I’m very tall and although I never got huge I definitely “showed” early. It may have been bloat but it sure looked like a baby bump. My SIL asked me at 8 weeks if I was pregnant, and by the end of the first tri I couldn’t fit into anything but my stretchiest running shorts – jeans wouldn’t even begin to zip up.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to the no-torso club – I showed really quickly. And then towards 7 months, the “are you having twins? Triplets?” comments were really NEAT.
Nonno says
Layering an open blazer makes me feel like the bloated belly is less obvious
Lyssa says
Congratulations! I would say you probably don’t have to worry about this too much for a little while – you really are just bloated, and you’ll stay that way for a while – you don’t start getting actual baby belly until you’re into the 2nd trimester, so it probably won’t noticeably grow more than what you have now for a while. I was really surprised at how long I could wear my sheath dresses – unless they’re already tight, they have a bit more play in the stomach then you expect. But I agree with the others that shifts are the way to go if you need it, and a jacket or cardigan hides a lot of belly.
Anonymous says
This was not really true for me. While it might have not really been a “baby belly,” I started gaining weight in the 1st Tri and could not STAND things being tight around my lower belly/pelvis area. I bought a couple of pants in a size or two up and mostly wore flowy dresses. The pants I bought for the 1st Tri are also great now after having my baby because I haven’t gotten down to my pre-pregnancy size.
Anon says
Same. I gained 16 pounds total in pregnancy – at least half of them were before 14 weeks. I did get progressively bigger and more uncomfortable throughout the first trimester.
Anon says
Same – my bloating was pretty noticeable by 6w and I was “showing” by 9-10 weeks even as a first pregnancy, but I am also super shortwaisted and had HG, so the rest of my body seemed to get smaller as my belly got bigger (and I only gained 18 pounds, most of it in the last trimester once I got a diclegis does worked out).
Anon says
Shift or swing dresses were my lifesaver through my first trimester and most of my second. Old Navy has a ton of great ones. I also wore looser/more flowy tops over my unbuttoned (aka fastened with an elastic band) jeans or work pants. I was able to successfully hide my pregnancy at work until roughly 18 weeks so I call that a win in the clothing department. :)
DLC says
I bought a shirt dress from Uniqlo that worked really well for me in the first and second trimester. It is loose but also comes with a tie belt if you want to cinch it for a little shape.
It looks like they are almost sold out, but many of Uniqlo’s dresses are on the looser side, so it might be worth checking out.
https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/product/women-linen-blend-34-sleeve-shirt-dress-417906COL01SMA002000.html?s=shopping&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_rals_S54wIVB77ACh2VAQrJEAQYASABEgLqbvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
K says
This looks right up my alley, thanks for sharing – will definitely check out Uniqlo.
Anonforthis says
Help me out with your best excuses for not drinking on a work trip. Having a few drinks with colleagues over dinner is standard at my office, and I usually enthusiastically participate. However, I just got a positive pregnancy test last night, for what will be my second (Yay! But also yikes!). I leave tomorrow morning for a 2 night trip with a male partner. With my first, I successfully used the “on antibiotics” line while on a trip with a different partner before I was ready to disclose… but that partner is kind of clueless about this stuff? Ordering something fake would be complicated since we’ll be at dinners, and just saying I don’t feel like it or pretending to nurse one drink would so out of the norm that I’m confident it will draw questions. Also, we’ll have at least one dinner with a female co-counsel who we’ve never met in person (but as this board shows, might be more attuned to the real reason behind excuses).
It would also not be the end of the world to just disclose to this partner on this trip – he is my mentor and we have a great relationship. He was incredibly supportive when I had my first; he went to bat for me to have a six month maternity leave, unheard of at my small firm. I have excellent credibility in general and based on how my first pregnancy and leave went. But it’s so so early – not even 5 weeks. We are planning to tell friends earlier this time, but I am just not sure I’d want to break news of a miscarriage to my boss, even knowing he’d be great about it. So I’m thinking an excuse, even if he sees through it, is my best bet. E.g., non-serious health thing that results in no drinking?
Anonymous says
“I’m taking a week off from drinking!” And then don’t drink. The point isn’t to perfectly fool everyone, it’s to preserve the social barrier that since you haven’t told them, they must pretend not to know. FWIW I actually not infrequently take time off from drinking and no one seems to think I’m constantly pregnant.
ElisaR says
perfect
Anonymous says
I often skip drinking with colleagues on trips because I am just too tired to drink after being in meetings or on site all day. I will give this 100% honest explanation if it seems necessary. No one ever questions me.
Anonymous says
This. Post kids I feel like everyone understands if you think a drink will make you fall asleep.
Anonymous says
Everyone is doing some weird diet now. Keto. Paleo. I call it “no liquid calories” and it’s just for vanity (so not pregnant now). In Vegas. And no one thought about it or cared.
Anon says
I always said “taking a medicine that’s incompatible with drinking.” It is one of those excuses that people see through easily, but it shuts down conversation and doesn’t make people worry that you’re seriously ill (since Tylenol, some antibiotics, etc are incompatible with alcohol).
Sasha says
Yeah, definitely just order a non-alcoholic drink nonchalantly (“club soda, please”) and if someone asks about it, just give one of the excuses here: no liquid calories, doing a cleanse, taking a few weeks off from drinking, not feeling well, have a headache, feeling tired, etc. No one should be that focused on you that they’ll think anything of it or care.
Anon says
I’ve used “I’m going to workout after this” before. It seemed to work, or at least folks were polite enough not to say anything.
anon says
Say you’re doing a whole 30.
Anonymous says
But then you can’t order pasta! Deal breaker :)
Pogo says
You could also say that your doctor has you on NSAIDs for a sports injury (if you run or something) and that you can’t drink b/c of the possible liver damage.
Anonymous says
Order something and it won’t be as obvious. Like order a club soda with lime. When drinks orders are taken, people are also scanning the menu re food at the same time. It’s way less noticeable that you’re not having alcohol if you order some kind of drink vs saying “just water for me” or “nothing for me to drink”.
MNF says
I used the Whole Life Challenge as my “excuse” not to drink with my boss last summer. Google it if you haven’t heard of it. They just started a new one, and you get an app on your phone. I told my boss all about the rules and how you get points. He didn’t think anything of me trying to “win” a health competition because he knows I’m competitive.
Anonymous says
I’d order an obvious drink the first night – a beer or red wine – and take a few sips but not finish it. Then when you don’t drink on subsequent nights people will be more likely to believe whatever excuse you give rather than assuming your pregnant. Of course, this depends on your comfort with alcohol during pregnancy. I allowed myself 2 drinks (or part drinks) during each of my pregnancies, and in each pregnancy the first was for a reason like this.
Anon says
I don’t like to mix alcohol with ibuprofen or tylenol, so I am currently not drinking due to some knee issues. I feel like that advice is more common these days.
Anon says
I always just said “no thank you” to booze when I was not sharing the news of my two pregnancies yet. I was mid-30s, and married, and with my second pregnancy I already had a child. Everyone is already suspecting it anyways, so what’s the point of lying? “No thank you” was the easiest way to head off any follow up questions and I did not need to worry about keeping my lies straight. No one ever followed up with “why, are you pregnant?” and if they did, I’d probably have just stared at them. The “I’m on antibiotics” line is pretty much code for saying “I’m pregnant”.
Anonanonanon says
“I’m taking tylenol for knee, and you know that stuff will eat your liver if you drink on it!”
“ugh I’m getting old, having one drink makes me sleepy and having more is not the best idea on a work trip. I’m gonna take it easy tonight, want me to drive?”
“(partner) and I are trying to trim down, so I’ve vowed to myself not to drink my calories! Of course that’s easy for me to say now, help me stay strong tonight!”
“My stomach has been acting weird (or “I’ve been getting headaches”) and I’m on an elimination diet to figure it out, no booze for me!”
“I’ve realized the preservatives in a lot of alcohol seem to give me headaches, and it’s just too picky-sounding to navigate an order, so I’m just not going to bother”
Ear Piercing says
My young elementary age daughter wants to get her ears pierced and am interested to hear your experiences with this issue. I am open to it but want to make sure I know what to expect. Also looking for suggestions on where to get this done and what type of earring to get.
avocado says
We told our daughter she could get her ears pierced when she was responsible enough to care for the piercings herself. She needed to keep her hair washed and brushed, remember to brush her teeth on her own and do it well, etc. We also wanted her to be able to make her own informed decision about putting holes in her earlobes and to be making her choice on the basis of her own preferences, not to fit in with the other kids. We ended up giving her permission right when she turned 9 years old, and it worked out great.
Anonymous says
This is what my parents did with me, and what I wish my SD’s mom had done with her. Now my SD’s holes are shut after having them pierced twice, and she’s fine with it. I also don’t know how much she really wanted it vs. how much her mom wanted her to have them. My parents made me wait six months (or maybe a year, I remember it felt like forever!) and I had to do some sort of responsible chore for that time to “prove” that I was ready for it. That’s more intense than what I would have done with my SD, but it did impress on me that this was a responsibility.
Anon says
I expressed interest in piercing my ears when I was 8 or so (probably because of other girls) and my parents had a similar attitude – a waiting period to make sure I really wanted it, making sure I was taking care of myself in other ways, being responsible etc. I ended up forgetting about it and to this day have never pierced them. I have no objection to my daughter piercing her ears but will take a similar approach to make sure she really wants them and is ready for the responsibility of taking care of them.
Clementine says
I would take her to a piercing shop where they are actually trained and use a sterile piercing needle, not to Claire’s at the mall where some 16 year old watches a 20 minute video and then uses a piercing gun that she’s quickly rubbed down with an alcohol wipe.
The piercing shop (yes, they will likely have a lot of metal in their faces) will be the most professional, sanitary, positive place to get it done.
Anonymous says
+1 we plan on doing it when my daughter asks for it, but I’ve found the piercing shop/tattoo place already
avocado says
Our pediatrician’s office did it. I thought that would be less scary than a tattoo/piercing place.
ElisaR says
some pediatricians do it too (which is weird to me!)
rosie says
I have 2 piercings in each ear, both done by my childhood peds (at different times). First was with a needle, second was with a single-use gun thing. Needles are supposed to be much less traumatic, plus my second piercings are not even with each other. So I vote tattoo parlor/piercing place.
Anon says
My daughter asked from the time she was old enough to speak (we live in an area where most have it done as babies). When she went to kindergarten, she asked more forcefully and we agreed that if she could take care of herself and her things until Christmas (floss and brush teeth twice a day, brush hair daily, put dirty clothes in hamper, put dirty dishes in the sink, pick up toys at the end of the day, etc) then we’d get them done. She was motivated and did a great job, so we went to a local piercing shop (with needles, not guns) and got them done over break.
We also made up a rule that she can’t change the earrings for a full year to let them fully heal (and to get in the habit of cleaning the earrings and ears before the “excitement” of fancy rainbows and sparkles got too distracting). The following Christmas she got a ton of earrings and an earring tree, and she’s been responsible ever since.
Anon says
Forgot the advice – get a lock-back earring that is fairly plain and small so she can easily sleep/eat/bathe in them. If you go to a piercing shop they’ll have a good recommendation. Our shop used needles and do one ear at a time. The first ear is pretty easy, but working up the nerve to sit for the second ear, once you know the pain, might take a little bravery.
We talked about it ahead of time – how at doctor appointments you get a shot and it hurts a little, but it goes away pretty quickly. This time you’re choosing to get the shot, because you get an ear piercing when you’re done.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Not directly answering OP’s question, but want to lend another perspective. In a lot of Latin, Asian, and African communities, I think it’s pretty common to get it done at the pediatrician when baby girl is still an infant. That’s what my parents did with me, and if I ever have a DD would do the same. Just lending another perspective.
Growing up, I was always confused because a lot of my White friends were allowed to do certain things (e.g. date) but not allowed to have pierced ears or wear eyeliner, whereas the opposite often held true for me. This was around junior high, when kids are generally confused about a lot of things anyway. Again, not saying there is a right or wrong, but wanted to offer a different point of view.
lsw says
I’ve posted before about my son’s speech delays. The ped kept telling us not to worry, but suggested I reach out to early intervention. I did when he was about 18 months and they said he was behind but within the range of normal. At literally every well visit after that, I’ve asked again, and each time the ped said it’s fine. Then, at his 3 year well visit yesterday, she asked if we had considered speech therapy (um, YES, like every day of his life??) and said that we should do it, but now that he’s three he’s aged out of EI. So now I have to call either the IU or some local children’s nonprofit, neither of which I feel like I understand – do I pay for these things? Does insurance cover it? I feel frustrated, because the free, easy thing I had access to before is gone, and now suddenly I have to make all of these other calls and figure it out. I don’t even know the difference between the two. There’s nothing on the webs!tes for non-school-aged kids.
I just feel frustrated, and a little defensive and sad, like there’s something wrong with my kid. Not even sure what I’m asking for … I just felt bummed about it.
mascot says
We started speech therapy at age 3 with the local speech and hearing non-profit. They did the screenings and then provided therapy 2x/week. Our insurance didn’t cover the speech therapy (yours might so be sure to ask) so we paid out of pocket. But, because it was a non-profit and supported by lots of grants, it wasn’t super expensive. Once we got to pre-k, our child was re-evaluated and covered through the public school system and receives speech therapy from a speech pathologist at the local elementary school. It may take a few phone calls to figure out who to start with, but they get this question a lot so someone should be able to get you what you need. Also, speech issues can carry on for years because kids have to be developmentally ready to create certain sounds, so even if you had gotten EI, you may have still needed additional support as your child got older. We are going on year 5 now. There’s been great improvement, but it’s not been an overnight fix.
Anonymous says
Thank you! I really appreciate this. It’s helpful to know what to expect. Do you mind sharing what your child’s delays were? Our son has continually tracked behind with expressive speech. He just turned three and people who don’t know him have trouble understanding him. He also doesn’t make very long sentences. He speaks nonsense a lot as part of his play.
I’m really glad to hear that you’ve seen improvement!
mascot says
It’s an expressive delay (hearing and reception are fine). He struggles to properly produce certain sounds- I can’t remember what they are right now because it’s changed some over the years. It’s compounded by the fact that he has a really long tongue and he tends to speak very rapidly. At 3, he was really hard to understand if you didn’t know him well. That got a lot better within the first year of speech. Now we struggle more with a chatterbox who has rapid fire speech patterns and the individual pronunciation errors aren’t very apparent. Telling him to slow down makes a big difference and he doesn’t get upset if he has to repeat himself.
If your kid is in preschool/daycare, try to share what he is doing in speech with his teachers so they can reinforce the lessons. We also have pronunciation homework that we do in addition to his therapy sessions.
EP-er says
Oh, this is so frustrating! I think that this will be regionally dependent, how you get services now. Both of my kids went to EI speech therapy. When they aged out at 3, there was a transition plan in place to go to the local school district. My oldest did that for a year, while the younger one had caught up enough to no longer qualify for services. I would definitely check your local schools — ours was run through the Intermediate School District, which then coordinated with the local schools. It was a free service.
Our EI speech therapist definitely worked with my kids, but really I learned so much about how to communicate & interact with my kids going there.
Also, I would totally be getting a new pediatrician! Good luck figuring this out.
Anon says
Mostly just here to commisserate, we did speech therapy with our oldest (he was 2) & navigating the whole system felt like such a nightmare(waitlists! ridiculously inadequate insurance covered places! being sent down a completely incorrect path several times!). We ended up going somewhere private & paying out of pocket, but got some of the money back from the insurance for out of network expenses.
Where are you? My understanding is that in CA at least starting at age 3 is when speech is offered by the public school system, even though they are a couple of years from entering it. We didn’t have to go for long enough to cross that path, but might be worth looking into if you haven’t already.
lsw says
Thank you all! We are in Pennsylvania. The ped did say that the Intermediate Unit is through our public school system. My hope is that if he has to do it for a few years, it could transition easily because he will be attending our public school. I’m so curious what types of things they work on and what you have learned, although I guess I’ll be learning that when we meet with the therapists.
I really appreciate you sharing your stories. It’s hard for me to not compare him to other kids (or myself as a kid) and feel like a failure, although I know that is obviously ridiculous.
MJmillie says
we did private therapy and the therapist came to our house. Our insurance covered it only for in network therapists. Our therapist was not in the network but we used flexible spending $. Age 3 is a great time to start. Good luck! You are doing great
Pile of kids says
Hope this isn’t too late for you to see. One of our kiddos is getting services for severe speech and language delay (trouble with talking and understanding). We qualified for Early On program (1x week group and 1x week in-home visit) and also did private speech (2x week). In our area, private speech therapy takes two forms: private sessions (covered by our insurance for 51 visits as $30 copay each); and/or group therapy (charged a flat rate of $15 per session, no insurance). Our delay is due to medical issue. Kiddo is just over two and finally turned a corner, but we are likely going to be in this through kindergarten.
Anonymous says
I hear you. I had a kid who seemed to need a helmet for her head and the ped was all “no just keep her off of that side” (hard to do when she and I were sleeping through the night) and “it’s just a racket”. I hated myself for listening to her (yes! women doctors can be as bad as bad male doctors!) as the asymmetry worsened substantially and got the helmet. Not in enough time though so kiddo’s head is still uneven but b/c kiddo is a girl her hair hides most of it now (if she had been a boy this would likely be noticeable with very short hair or upon balding). But her ears were uneven and her eyes were going out of plane (or some other term).
How that doctor just dismissed me burns me to this day — next time I listen to me.
Leatty says
Is Amsterdam toddler friendly? We are considering taking our toddler (who will be almost 3) to Amsterdam and the surrounding countryside in April when the tulips are in full bloom. It would be a direct (but long) flight for us, and I have no idea how she would do on the plane. Putting that concern aside, would there be sufficient toddler-friendly activities that we could do to make it worth our while? We could always delay the trip to the summer when we could do an adults-only trip, but I’d like to include her on our travels every now and then.
Anon says
Super toddler friendly! We went when DD was 2.5 and it was great (we didn’t do the tulips because it was the wrong season, but I think running around the tulip fields would be even more fun than running around the city). The flights should be totally fine – she’s old enough to be entertained by screens.
shortperson says
yes it will be amazing
Anonymous says
My kids are only 2.5, but they’ve gotten progressively easier on long plane flights as they’ve gotten older and their attention span and fine motor skills have increased. If she’s anything like mine she’ll be occupied for ages with sticker books or other small crafty things and also able to watch an episode of TV here and there.
RNMP says
Parenting lightbulb moment. I was looking for more sturdy outdoor pants for my 3yo daughter when we go hiking. REI was a disappointment and then I thought: “Well, why don’t I get some cargo pants from the boy section at a regular store”. And just like that, I have hiking pants that turned out cheaper than the ones at REI
octagon says
Where did you find them? I just ordered some from Columbia because I couldn’t find any others that worked, but would love to have other options.
Anon says
What does everyone use for TV shows for their kids? I’ve decided to cancel my amazon prime account. We also use the free Nick Jr app and the PBS kids app and own a few shows and movies through Amazon. I do not have any other subscription services and am open to getting one or paying for an app, I just don’t know which one is good for kids. Kid is 4 and loves paw patrol and similar stuff.
Anonymous says
Wild Kratts is the bomb.
Spirograph says
Team Umizoomi is one of my (and my kids’) favorites. The theme song is catchier than Paw Patrol, beware.
Elle says
I was just humming it today and my daughter’s like “Is it stuck in your head?”
Yes, yes it is.
Anon says
We primarily do Netflix and PBS. We have cable and will occasionally watch Disney/Nick, or sometimes Looney Toons on Boomerang. But we love Netflix shows like SheRa, Miraculous, Storybots, How to Train a Dragon, and Super Monsters. Oh and Pocoyo as younger kids, although they’ve outgrown it now.
Anonymous says
I would stick with just those 2 as long as you can. My son has discovered Disney Jr, and its fine, but I think PBS and Nick has more educational content and less ads. (Especially PBS of course). We don’t have Netflix so have never delved into their offerings.
Anonymous says
I do TVO Kids on YouTube for Pawl Patrol.
Stick with PBS as long as you can. It’s way better than the vapid Disney junior stuff.
Maybe add some apps as well instead of shows? Sesame Street has a cute letter learning app.
Marilla says
There is tons of stuff on YouTube (I choose full episodes of shows from corporate channels, like TVO kids or CBC kids here in Canada). One favourite on YT is Space Racers. Other than that we use Netflix (which has Paw Patrol in Canada, plus Puffin Rock, Llama Llama, and Treehouse Detectives). Can you tell I’ve been relying on screen time a little more than usual this summer???
Anon says
+1. We’ve been watching Land Before Time the TV show on YouTube Kids.
Anon says
We use PBS kids app and our HBO subscription – lots of kids movies, all the sesame street, etc. But I wouldn’t get HBO just for the kiddo, we keep it for DH and it’s a nice benefit for kiddo.
AIMS says
This is very personal. A friend of mine hates ads and just buys a season of shows her kids like on iTunes every few months and that’s what they watch other than PBS. We do a mix of PBS, Prime and Netflix.
RR says
In addition to the Nick Jr. and PBS apps, there’s a Disney Jr. app (or there was–not sure if that’s changed with Disney Now). I actually really love some Disney programming–Phineas and Ferb was one of my absolute favorite kids shows. Netflix and Prime are the best for kids programming–my kids (a little older now) do more Netflix and Youtube than anything. I’m a little out of the season for young kids, but my older kids love the very well done Netflix version of A Series of Unfortunate Events–and I confess to getting sucked in as well.