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Somewhere at the top of my “beauty empties” list (the products I use up and then buy again) is The Body Shop’s camomile eye makeup remover. (My spellcheck doesn’t like “camomile,” but apparently that’s the British spelling.) I love it! I’ve tried other makeup removers, and they either had an unpleasant smell or just didn’t work very well, or both. This one is gentle to your skin, has no added fragrance, and removes eye makeup quickly and easily (including mascara that you slept in . . . oops). It’s been around for years and has a ton of good reviews, both at The Body Shop and at Amazon.
At Amazon, the 8.4-oz. size, which lasts a long time even when used daily, is $15. The smaller, carry-on-friendly size (2 oz.) is available at The Body Shop’s website for $5. (I haven’t tried the other version, Camomile Waterproof Eye and Lip Makeup Remover, which appears to only have one size — 5 oz. for $15.) Readers, do tell: What are your favorite makeup removers? Camomile Gentle Eye Makeup Remover
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
AIMS says
For eye makeup, my favorite is neutrogena eye makeup remover lotion. I find most liquids leave behind a greasy residue and wipes never get mascara off sufficiently for me, but this is my Goldilocks perfect middle ground.
I’ve also had good luck with the miscellar water for removing eye makeup in a pinch but this feels better, esp. if I wore more than just a coat of mascara.
Sabba says
I use Almay Eye Make Up remover pads. It saves me from having to find a clean washcloth or cotton pad and I can buy it at the drugstore or grocery. In a pinch when traveling, I have used a baby wipe but that doesn’t work very well.
Momata says
Good morning! Anyone have experience with young children biting their nails? My 4yo bites hers to the quick. She started when we moved and changed schools, so I just let it go because I figured it was helping her cope / I didn’t want to be riding her about it when there was so much other change. But now it’s been six months and over the weekend she bit so far she bled. I really do not want this to become a lifetime habit. She understands it can make her sick (because germs) and that it can make her fingers bleed. But it’s definitely a fullblown self-soothing habit now.
octagon says
I’m not sure I can help. I bit my nails from young childhood until I was engaged to a man who loved to have his back scratched, and that was more important to me than my nervous habit. As a kid, sometimes my mom would paint my nails to discourage me. That usually worked for a few days. You’ll need to figure out something to substitute the action though and keep her hands busy – maybe a fidget spinner, or some sort of activity loom?
Anonymous says
Focus on replacing the behavior with something else. It’s not about the nails, it’s her stress response. Talk to her about how to deal with stress and some ideas that you use, or that might work for her. What does she do at school when she feels stressed? Practicing deep slow breaths or having a stress ball to squeeze have helped my first grader. At home you can try having her wear cotton gloves so that there is an extra step before she can bite and ask her to talk to you about how she feels before she takes them off to bite.
Lots of outdoor time and/or free play physical activity helps burn off nervous energy for my kids and that helps reduce stress reactive behaviors
Anonymous says
I was your daughter and I didn’t stop until my twenties when I got treatment/medication for anxiety. My parents tried EVERYTHING. I was just a very naturally anxious child.
Anonymous says
I’m 32 and still haven’t stopped. I’ve cut back quite a bit but still do it when I’m nervous, or bored. And when I’m anxious I now pick my cuticles apart. Ugh.
2 Cents says
Me too. My mom always threatened painting my nails with that gross-tasting stuff, but never did. I don’t know if it would’ve worked as a deterrent. As an adult, painting with nail polish definitely helps.
Katala says
I bit my nails, often to the point of bleeding, my whole childhood. I eventually stopped in college, with the help of frequent manicures. I’m back to it somewhat in the last 6 months and don’t have time for manicures, so trying to figure out another remedy.
Wish I could give advice as to what would have helped me as a kid. Definitely stress management, but I’m still not great at that…
My parents did the bad-tasting stuff, I just bit anyway and it wore off rather quickly. Didn’t really help. Oh! One thing that does help now is carrying a glass nail file (no other kind smooths them enough) with me at all times and using as soon as I get a snag, which is what prompts me to bite.
Anon says
Huh. I’ve never thought of biting nails as being related to stress and anxiety. I totally need one of those stress balls for my office.
Spirograph says
We have Berenstein Bears and the Bad Habit out of the library right now, and it specifically addresses nail-biting. The remedy it recommends probably wouldn’t work for a 4 year old unless yours already has a good grasp of the concept of money, but raising the topic via a story might help a little? We’re trying to send subliminal messages about a DIFFERENT bad habit to one of my kids and it hasn’t been successful yet, so take all this with a grain of salt!
mascot says
I like Sephora’s eye makeup remover for waterproof makeup. It reminds me of the Lancome product which is also great. No greasy residue.
Preganon says
I’m 5 weeks pregnant (first time!) and the news is still sinking in. I’m so distracted at work. This is kind of a vain post, but please don’t attack me…
Do you have tips for feeling (and, well, looking) better physically during pregnancy? I’m already so bloated and while I realize my body is going to change drastically, I want to feel like I still have some control over anything!
I’m aiming to keep doing the elliptical 3x/week, and add in pre-natal yoga. Unfortunately I’m already overweight (BMI 27.5), so want to gain within the recommended amount (15-25 lbs).
I’m going to take (with doctor’s approval) a cow-based (mercury free) collagen supplement in hopes of minimizing stretch marks, and I also got some Beli oil that’s supposed to help. In hopes of easing labor and minimizing tearing, I’m going to do a lot of pelvic floor exercises (has anyone used weights for these?) and try per*neal massage. I am small-busted but they are already feeling larger – should I wear a bra to bed to minimize sagging?
What else can I do? I posted a few weeks in the main forum about trying to lose weight while TTC – I got pregnant really fast, so didn’t lose any weight. I’m 30 lbs heavier than I was 6 months ago (nothing medically wrong, according to my doctor), and am just kind of terrified of becoming obese at this point.
Anonymous says
Your boobs are going to grow and sag as a result of pregnancy and bfing, no bra will prevent it.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s vain to want to feel your best. I would recommend drinking as much water as you can. Being hydrated is always a good idea, pregnant or not. The other thing I did when pregnant was learn a good hair and makeup routine. For me, this meant going to the Clinique counter and asking them to teach me what I needed to know. It helped with how I felt at the time and helped me establish good habits before kiddo came along. Also, congratulations!
Anon in NYC says
I think, from a mental health standpoint, make peace with the fact that your body will change and a lot of these concerns (stretch marks, sagging boobs) are out of your control. I’m not saying to not do the things you’ve mentioned, but just gently suggesting that you try to reframe it in your mind so that it doesn’t shift into you feeling negative about your body for something that you can’t necessarily prevent.
Things that are (mostly) within your control include your diet and exercise. I think maintaining my fitness routine was very helpful for me to feel strong going into labor. But be open to shifting exercises if something stops feeling good. Pre-pregnancy, and now post-preg, I loved spin classes, but they stopped feeling comfortable for me during pregnancy. So I focused more on strength training. I don’t have ready access to a pool, but a lot of people love swimming while pregnant. But even still, if nothing feels good, walking is great! As for diet, something that I wish I had done a better job of during pregnancy was eating vegetables, and remembering that you really only need to eat about 1 extra snack a day. Huge fail on that one for me, lol.
anon says
I would just take it one trimester at a time. You have many, many months before you need to worry about stretch marks or per*neal massage. Pregnancy is a wild ride and you will not be in control of your body for the next 18 months. You just won’t.
My goals during pregnancy:
Tri 1: Try not to puke. Eat foods that did’t make make me puke. Try to take a walk every day without puking (motion made me so so sick, so true exercising was out). Try to sleep as much as possible so as to survive the exhaustion during the work day. Find basic non-maternity outfits that accommodate an expanding waistline. Start nursery/registry planning while laying on couch trying not to puke.
Tri 2: Keep trying not to puke. Try to slowly improve diet as nausea improves. Try to walk more to rebuild stamina. Start prenatal yoga. Try to make up for all the things I didn’t do because of nausea during the prior three months, such as cleaning bathrooms and closets. Start buying maternity clothes. Do most of the nursery/registry planning. Take last pre-baby trip.
Tri 3: Start creams to stop stretch marks. Plan for birth. Put feet up as often as possible to decrease swelling. Do more swimming to help swelling. Meet up with as many friends as possible to get some socializing in pre-birth. Buy a few more maternity clothes in larger size to replace things I’d outgrown. Set up nursery. Buy final odds and ends for baby. Enjoy a few awesome dates with husband. :)
2 Cents says
+1 I’m week 33 and what you’ve described here was mostly my experience. The “morning” sickness (all-day nausea, with morning and after-dinner hugging the toilet time) started around week -6 and went full blast till nearly week 18. It just reared its ugly head again, though much less, two weeks ago, as my stomach is being smooshed by baby. I’ve really tried to eat healthily throughout, but the only things that didn’t make me sick were carbs, and not even healthy, whole-grain/whole-wheat carbs. But after a certain point, I stopped caring. (And I ended up losing close to 20 lbs from sickness, and then didn’t gain any weight after that for another 3 months.) I also exercised — light walking — when I could, but mostly, I just tried listening to my body and feeling what I was up to.
Anonymous says
I think focusing on maintaining your exercise routine and trying to eat really healthy foods will be most beneficial to you over the long run. But keep in mind you may be entering morning sickness territory in another week or two, and that may impact what you feel capable of. Be gentle to yourself. A couple related tips I learned from my 36 weeks of nausea – exercise doesn’t necessary make you feel more queasy, even though it feels like it will; hunger can make nausea worse (I often couldn’t tell the difference between hungry and nauseous when pregnant and just ate all the time); and a higher protein, lower carb diet may help you keep both nausea/hunger and weight gain in check. But of course, YMMV – people respond to pregnancy very differently.
Also, if you can afford do invest in bras and clothes that fit throughout your pregnancy. They will help you feel and look good.
Finally, I just want to reassure you that if you do find yourself obese at some point–and you need to stop looking at the BMI chart as long as you are pregnant because it is now irrelevant to you–it is not the end of the world. My weight has ranged from about 145 to 235 pounds in my adult life. I’m 41, have a 5.5 year old, and am now 159 lbs. If you are up to it while pregnant, make exercise and good diet a habit, and it will be easier to get back into shape later. (And do the best you can – not every pregnancy makes this feasible). Even if you ultimately take a long break – I didn’t start working out very regularly again until my son was 2.5. It’s okay, you have time.
Congratulations!
Anonymous says
Agree on the warning about morning sickness. I totally fell off my exercise routine and lost 5lbs during the first trimester from the all-day-every-day sickness until 14 weeks. The upside is that I have a bouncing healthy energetic 11 month old.
Mama Llama says
+1 I’m obese. It’s really not anything to be terrified of.
Anonymous says
I think everyone has given really sage advice above. But to echo them – you’re body is going to do what its going to do. Exercise and eating healthy will make you feel better during pregnancy overall. I wouldn’t do the collagen supplement just because it most likely has never been tested on pregnant mothers, but it’s you’re body so do what you will. In general, stretch marks are genetic. Also, don’t worry about tearing too much. 50% or more women tear during deliver. Theere’s not much you can do to prevent it, and honestly, it’s not that big of a deal unless its a 3rd or a 4th degree tear. It will all depend on your anatomy, size of baby’s head, and how fast he/or she delivers. They tell you to push slowly so you don’t tear, but haha good luck doing that if you have an un-medicated delivery and feel that urge to bear down.
Maddie Ross says
Yup. All of this. I count myself lucky – I don’t have stretch marks and after BF-ing for over 30 months (over 2 babies) my chest is barely an A now, so there’s not a thing to sag (or maybe it just all sags…). In any event, nothing I did really changed any of this. I moisturized, but I’m sure not any more than the next person. It’s genetics + luck. I also tore both times. While it probably hurt a bit more for the first week after than not tearing, it hurts either way. And truly has made no significant difference in my life.
AIMS says
So I’m sure you’ll get different answers, but I want to respond to your actual question rather than just tell you none of it matters or there isn’t anything you can do so stop worrying. A lot of this is genetics, that’s true. I didn’t do anything for stretch marks and I didn’t get them, I have friends who practically bathed in cocoa butter and it didn’t help (I did use a heavy cream on my belly the first time but had the same outcome the 2d and I barely remembered to do it once a week). Beyond genetics, according to my doctor, the most helpful thing for stretch marks is just gaining weight slowly. For sagging, I think sleeping in a nursing bra and how you nurse can make a difference, at least it did for me (or maybe more accurately it helped me not make a difference?). I did a lot of nursing lying down, when possible, and I always wore a bra (wireless) and tried to generally support my ‘girls’ as much as possible.
For your other questions: try to just focus on eating healthy for your baby, move as much as you can, try to stay active apart from actual exercise, wear a comfortable bra for support, and get a soft sleep bra if that’s important to you. For tearing, talk to your doctor; there is a lot they can do with mineral oil if you explain it’s a priority, but again some of this will just be genetics and the size of your baby. Prenatal yoga is supposed to be helpful for shortening labor, so that’s s good plan. But ultimately some of this is just out of your hands so don’t spend too much energy or money on supplements, and just focus on making healthy choices for you and your baby. It’s a good time to eat lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains and full fat yogurt, go for walks, take long baths, moisturize, etc. Congrats!
Anonymous says
Basically yes to all of this. Mirrors much of my experience.
Anon says
For vanity, I had my hair done in an awesome cut that looked excellent with my shiny preggo hair. I also found my skin was great. I held off buying nice maternity pants
If you want to work on your pelvic floor, I’d suggest going to a pelvic floor physio. I did this both before and after I had my kid. Highly recommend! Excellent advice and exercises that I continue to do today.
Sarabeth says
Yes – the thing that helped me feel best during pregnancy was getting good haircuts frequently, and splurging on some new makeup. I usually stretch my haircuts as long as possible and wear very minimal makeup. But when my body was doing things I couldn’t control, and I had to drop my favorite forms of exercise because they aggravated my pelvic pain, it was really nice to have some stuff that made me feel pretty.
Bonus: I still have all that makeup, on the rare occasions I bother to put it on!
pickle says
I’m trying to think of pregnancy as a fashion challenge*. (I’m now 20 weeks.) I’m not normally an Eileen Fisher/ Anthropologie/ Bohemian dresses but this seems the most flattering way to dress while pregnant so I’m trying to learn how to make it work!**
* Duster cardigans seem key to me so far.
** This attitude was inspired by the book “Bump it up” which I both liked (because the author, a fashion editor, had a lot of the same frustrations I did) and didn’t like (because the author recommended starting out by shopping in the “fat section” of stores, size 12s, which is out-of-touch with reality).
Knope says
On the exercise point, I just want to stress the importance of listening to your body. During first trimester I was often too nauseous to do anything except walk. Second trimester was good, but after about 28 weeks even the elliptical was too uncomfortable for me (TMI but it felt like someone was punching my cervix). After that I switched to swimming, and I am so happy I did – not only to get in some exercise, but also because it REALLY helped with my back. Good luck and congrats!
Anon says
Be kind to yourself. I went into pregnancy slightly obese per a BMI chart, gained only 17 pounds (my doctor wanted me to gain 20-25), and now I am down 25 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight to where I was 5 years ago graduating law school when I actually saw the inside of a gym on a regular basis. I puked throughout my entire pregnancy (and completed approximately zero exercise). And I have a beautiful, healthy, thriving 6.5 month old, some rapidly fading stretch marks and despite an insane lack of sleep, generally feel the best I have in years. What made me feel the most beautiful was when my husband would admire that big ‘ole pregnancy belly and just be amazed at how I was creating life. Also, pedicures are great for feeling pretty when you can see your toes, and necessary once you can’t see your toes.
avocado says
Congratulations! I will echo the advice to take a deep breath, be gentle to yourself, and listen to your body. I had grand plans to have a cute, fit pregnancy filled with exercise, organic food, and academic and professional success. Then I was hit by hyperemesis that didn’t go away until delivery. Every day was basically a survival crawl structured around avoiding vomiting and passing out. Baby would only let me eat small amounts of about four foods and drink one form of liquid, and exercise was limited to walking the dog. I couldn’t even do prenatal yoga because the class was scheduled in the evening, when my nausea was at its peak. It was impossible to find cute maternity clothes in my size, I was pale and skinny and weak, and I couldn’t get a decent haircut. I was basically a sweaty bedraggled mess with a plastic grocery bag in my pocket for vomit emergencies for the entire nine months.
I remember sitting on a bench in town one hot summer day trying to gather the strength to walk the rest of the way back to the law school, watching a pregnant SAHM walk by in designer maternity clothes eating an ice cream cone, and being overwhelmed with a flood of envy. Why couldn’t I have a cute fun joyful pregnancy where I could eat ice cream? If you can learn to shut out the social pressures to do everything “right” and be adorable and happy all the time, you will have a much more enjoyable pregnancy.
CPA Lady says
Tips for feeling better: Listen to your body. Rest. Treat yourself with compassion when the only thing you can choke down without gagging is cheddar & sour cream ruffles. Try not to stress. Stress just made my nausea worse. Having morning sickness was way more emotionally and physically exhausting than I realized it would be. At one point I broke down crying when I thought I had been sick for three weeks straight, but I counted and it had only been 9 days. I also kept a private pregnancy journal blog that I think helped me deal with my stress and anxiety. Plus it’s fun to go back now and read about that time period.
Also, if you’re going to get morning sickness it’s probably going to start really soon. You should go to the grocery store and get all of your favorite foods and eat them all one last time before looking at them makes you dry heave.
Stretch marks fade. Tears heal. Worse comes to worse you can get stuff lasered or fixed surgically if it bothers you later. If you have a difficult pregnancy and cant exercise and live off kale and poached chicken, you will be able to lose weight and exercise and eat healthy after you have a kid (or you’ll decide you don’t care about some things as much as you thought you would). It’s going to be okay either way.
FTMinFL says
Congratulations! You’ve received so much great advice already. The only thing I have to add is to keep first things first.
With my first pregnancy I had to stop exercising in the first trimester for medical reasons, I ate terribly throughout the pregnancy (but I still dream of my nightly milkshake!), and experienced significant stress. I gained 37 pounds and had an uncomplicated delivery. In my second pregnancy I ate perfectly, exercised daily, and… gained 50 pounds and dealt with shoulder dystocia. BUT my goal was to feel my best and I felt so much better during my second pregnancy. When I say keep first things first, I mean keep your goal to feel your best in the forefront of your mind, do what it takes to accomplish this goal, and don’t be distracted from or discouraged by any metric that you think should correlate with the actions you are taking. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!
FTMinFL says
OH! And don’t skimp on purchasing bras that fit as things change size/shape. Nothing changes the look of an outfit like the fit of your bra!
Anon says
Tips for feeling your best: keep exercising to the extent you and your doctor are confortable (I especially loved doing prenatal yoga); massages are also wonderful if you can make them work. I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about stretch marks since they are genetic, but the belly oil might make your skin feel nice (and help with the itching that can come with your skin stretching, especially toward the end). Otherwise, I would just recommend wearing comfortable clothes as soon as possible—don’t force yourself to stay in your regular clothes past when they’re comfortable. You will probably also feel better about yourself with better fitting clothes. :). And talk to a nutritionist or your doctor about what foods will make you feel good without gaining a lot more weight than necessary (a lesson I learned from my pastry habit during my first pregnancy). And most of all, congrats! Pamper yourself as much as possible and to the extent you’re feeling well, enjoy whatever moments you can.
Solo parenting for 2 months says
My partner is going to be gone for eight weeks, leaving me flying solo with the 16 month old. Tips? Tricks?
Anonymous says
Meal plan – figure out a two week rotation of meals – include meal delivery/take out so you’re not constantly cooking but plan so that you don’t have the mental work of figuring out what to feed yourself/baby every day.
Wardrobe plan – figure out a two/three week work wardrobe for yourself. Lay out the first week of clothes for yourself and baby before your partner goes. Dry clean anything that needs to be dry cleaned before they leave.
Use your village – this is the time rely on your village – friends, family, co-workers, paid help for what you need. I include co-workers in this because you may need to call in favors at work if you get stuck with a challenging home situation. Consider increasing the frequency of your cleaning service to help cover.
GCA says
Good luck! You can do this, and please feel free to vent here! I’ve solo-parented for up to a month at a stretch (thankfully, not often). Cons are many (neither you nor kiddo can afford to fall sick; one of you will fall sick from sheer exhaustion if nothing else). Pros: It actually gets easier past a week, when you fall into a routine, and I always felt like I had a much closer bond with kiddo afterwards.
1. Have partner make a few weeks’ worth of freezer meals, if you have the space. On Fridays I often did something easy like frozen pizza or takeout.
2. Instacart everything. (I didn’t always do this; sometimes the highlight of our weekend was going to the grocery store so kiddo could ride in the shopping cart.)
3. Whenever possible, I took kiddo for a run in the stroller and hit up parks or playgrounds along the way, which earned us both some sunshine and fresh air. We came up with our own weekend rituals (swim class, Sunday pancakes, ice cream and park time).
4. Do you have friends or family nearby to help out? Can you arrange some playdates for (if nothing else) a little adult company? 16 months can be a really exhausting, challenging age, where they’re too young to really appreciate most kid activities and still need a lot of physical attention. Other parent friends are usually happy to help out when you need it.
EB0220 says
It’s definitely tough to parent solo, especially for an extended stretch! When I’m on my own, I simplify as much as possible.
– Grocery Ordering: I order online and pick up at the store. It’s a huge time-saver.
– Easy meals: When my kiddo was that age, I would get a rotisserie chicken, guac, black beans and rice that would last us through at least 2 dinners and most of her lunches for the week.
– Simplify Wardrobe: Clean out items you don’t wear from your closet before your partner goes, so it’s easier to find clothes in the morning. Do the same with your kiddo’s clothes, and also do the seasonal transition if possible before the trip.
– Babysitter: You need a break, period. For this long of a time period and your kiddo’s age, I would get a babysitter one evening during the week and for a couple of hours during naptime on one weekend day. You can exercise or just go to the store by yourself. Whatever you need!
– As for help in whatever form you need: Playdate for kid interaction. Outing with friends to a brewery. Whatever works! Some of my friends without kids, friends with older kids or 10-13 year old kids of friends are amazing at entertaining my kids for a bit.
– Embrace the good things: When my partner travels, I love catching up on TV shows that he doesn’t like, working on personal projects, and doing projects around the house. When my daughter was that age, I’d do a special mommy-daughter evening after daycare once a week. We’d usually get Chick Fil A and eat at the playground or go to a local horse farm to see the horses. It was something to look forward to other than the usual evening routine.
Sabba says
If this were me, my biggest priority would be to schedule at least one evening each week with a sitter and go meet a friend, workout, or do something for you. You will just need a break. Next best thing would be to plan to put the baby to bed early one night a week and have a friend come over to your house to hang out, but I think the sitter is better if you can work that out. If you don’t have a reliable sitter, now is the time to start trying to find one.
Next thing I would do is make a weekly schedule and include one special thing that you do with your baby that you would not do if your spouse was in town. It should be something enjoyable. When my spouse is gone for 4 or more nights, I always take my 4yo out to breakfast one morning before I drop her off. It gives us something special to do while her dad is gone. And I love not having to worry about breakfast and having someone else make it for me. Sometimes, I will even get her lunch to go from the same restaurant so that I don’t have to worry about packing a lunch that day either. We also are more likely to get one fast food dinner when her dad is out of town.
Finally, if getting ready in the morning will be an issue, look at getting a mother’s helper in your neighborhood to stop by for a few minutes each morning. We just joined NextDoor and it looks like my neighborhood is fairly active on website, so I have been thinking about posting there for something like this. I don’t know if you have something similar, like a facebook group or neighborhood email list, but I could see a retired woman or a college student being interested in helping you out for a short amount of time if they live nearby.
Pogo says
You are a champ for doing 8 weeks straight. I am doing most of this month solo but it’s broken up into roughly week-long chunks and I still get weekends with my husband.
+1 to catching up on shows that you prefer and eating super simple. I treat myself to dinner in front of the TV most nights that I’m solo and then head to sleep early.
lsw says
I echo using your village. I’ve gotten much more used to the idea of asking non-mom friends (which are 99% of my friends, anyway) for help and have gotten a really enthusiastic response. Could you also consider building in a couple of nights/afternoons with a sitter or aforementioned friend where you do something fun for you? (movie, mani/pedi, dinner with a different friend, whatever)
When in doubt, throw money at it – cleaning service, takeout/delivery, trips to museum or the zoo.
Clementine says
I regularly solo parent for 2-3 months at a time. Headed to a meeting now, but check back later ’cause I would love to share some wisdom.
Solo parenting for 2 months says
Thanks! I appreciate all the advice so far.
Clementine says
Okay. Like I said, I solo parent for 2-3 months at a time and have always parented like this. I work a very busy job, have a bit of local family but AMAZING local friends, and maintain my sanity to a high degree.
-Automate what you can. Put bills on autopay if possible. Have somebody come in and deep clean (I have someone once a month) on a schedule.
-Routine meals and batch cooking is your friend. I generally make a big pot of something like chili or soup on Sunday and eat that Sunday and Monday. I then cook Tuesday morning (it’s easier than when I get home from work) and have it be a two day meal – often burrito bowls or a pasta dish. Thursday is always Breakfast for Dinner and Friday is our ‘Fun’ night where I’ll maybe get takeout or do grilled cheese sandwiches or even a ‘fancy cheese plate’ (literally just crackers, cheese, fruit, maybe some lunch meat but I put it on a board and serve it with a cloth napkin). For lunches for myself, I often will grab a stack of frozen meals and just bring one each day – Trader Joe’s Chicken Burrito bowls are great, so are lots of the Amy’s meals.
-Do what you can to make your chores easier. I hate washing dishes, but my reward is that I get to watch The Daily Show while I do dishes so it’s not so bad. As for laundry, I use the delay cycle on my washer so that it’s ready right when I get home from work. I’ve also moved my kid’s dresser into a place where I can put his clothes away without him waking up.
-Have planned breaks. Say ‘yes’ when people offer to help. I have a paid sitter who comes over every other Wednesday night and I just use that time for whatever I want. Maybe a trip to the gym followed by a fancy smoothie and some leisurely grocery shopping. My gym has childcare which I use on the weekends to get some more ‘me’ time while my kid has a BLAST, and I work on making fun plans for when my spouse is home. I also will let my kid go over for playdates so I can get errands or yard work done – I reciprocate when my spouse is home.
-Lower your standards and be kind to yourself. Some days, your kid will eat toast and a cheese stick for dinner. Some days, you’ll realize you’re buying lunch at work for the fourth day that week. Be okay with this. Embrace the dust bunnies and the ‘throw it all in the dishwasher/washing machine’ mindset. You’ll find surprising upsides: once I started only bathing my kid 2x/week, his dry skin got infinitely better!
Reach out if you ever want some solidarity or support! It’s hard, but it does get easier after the first two weeks… until the week right before your spouse gets home. That last week drags on forever, but you’ll make it.
CPA Lady says
From the emotional side of things–
It’s okay to put your kid in his crib, shut the door of his room, and walk away if you need a few minutes to calm down. That “don’t shake a baby” thing isn’t just about babies and it’s really really hard to stay calm, perky, and cheerful 24/7 when you’re solo parenting. Early bedtimes with short, strict bedtime routines are also helpful.
Know your frustration triggers and how to work around them. I always get my kid ready to go in the morning before I get myself ready to go. That way, if we’re running late (something that really irritates me) it’s my fault and I can be mad at myself but I don’t take my frustration out on her. I go to the bathroom before I pick her up from school because it makes me cranky when I need to go and she’s dragging her feet.
I heartily second everyone who talks about reaching out to your network. I try to have play dates with my friends with kids at least once if not twice a week or more. Sometimes when my husband is traveling a ton I have my mom come stay with me. It helps.
Strategy Mom says
Just got back from maternity leave and am feeling like I’m hitting a mid-career/post-baby slump…I am so unmotivated! It wasn’t this hard when I came back from baby #1. Any books or advice on how I can get motivated?
amelia bedelia says
no book recommendation, but I make a list every day and every week. If I mark a certain number of thing off the list daily, I give myself a small reward (usually a foamy latte!). If I hit the week, bigger reward.
I find that once I get into the groove of completing tasks, I motivate myself more to complete additional tasks! it helped me get my motivation back after my secnd baby.
basically, it’s my version of a sticker chart!
Anonymous says
Birthday gift ideas for a 7 year old girl? I don’t know her very well (extended family that lives an airplane ride away). Bonus for availability on amaz*n so that I can ship directly to them…
Anonymous says
I was given the Anne of Green Gables complete book set at that age along with an Anne doll and it was such a special gift. Generally I recommend books for any kind of present.
Anonymous says
Ooh I kind of love this, especially as a Canadian. I’m pretty sure I got these books around that age although I think they were a bit advanced at 7, I loved them.
Anon. says
Or a few Ramona books!
Anon in NYC says
This is dependent on her liking this sort of stuff, but I got a 6 year old a clear acrylic jewelry box that I had personalized (on Etsy) and filled it with an inexpensive charm necklace and stick-on earrings. She loved it (but she’s very into jewelry and accessories). I’m debating whether she’ll be old enough for a jewelry making bead kit for her 7th birthday. If she’s into science-y stuff, there are little scientist kits that look cool.
anon says
I recommend ordering from Target if there’s one nearby to the family, since it makes returns/exchanges easy. Board games are always popular – I really like Magic Labyrinth for this age. Crayola Marker Maker is also really fun, somewhat gender neutral and has a sciency aspect to it.
EB0220 says
My daughter just turned 6 and is really, really into art projects. She just got a purse that you can color for her birthday and it was the first thing she opened/completed. Not sure if that will hold until 7!
Anonanonanon says
Hello all-
THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to share their C-section wisdom with me on Friday. Especially the multiple people that said stay on top of pain meds and that moving around helped them heal. Seeing multiple people say moving really helps is the only thing that motivated me to power through and get out of bed yesterday, so thank you all!!!
avocado says
Way to go! Congratulations on your new arrival!
Anonymous says
Congrats to you! I was thinking of you this weekend. Hope you and baby are doing well.
anne-on says
Coordinating and paying for 2 different day time summer camps plus the arrival of a new au pair is making me long for the days of daycare with their like 15 days of vacation plus some random snow days. Why did nobody tell me how awful school is on two full time working parents?!?
Pogo says
I feel like I’ve been adequately warned… maybe more in real life than on here. But whenever someone talks about how they’ll have so much more money when they’re done paying daycare, a helpful friend or coworker will pipe up that Oh no that’s definitely NOT the case and explain how school barely gives you half the coverage you need. Pretty depressing.
anne-on says
I think the worst part is that the camps ALSO don’t provide full coverage, it’s all 9-3, or 9-4 with after care till maaaaybe 5 pm, or “early” drop off at 8:30. We have no local family and couldn’t manage without an au pair or (as my kiddo gets older) I suppose an after school sitter. Ugh.
My mom was a teacher as was my husband’s mom so this is all SO foreign to them and I have to block out the little comments about how sad it is that we don’t have all summer to just relax and be together.
avocado says
The day camp hours are maddening. Also daytime sports practices.
For true full-day camps, check out private schools, the YMCA, and the JCC. These programs are typically designed to fit working parents’ schedules.
mascot says
Agree with those recommendations. And yeah, guess whose kid probably won’t be going to specialty sports camp. Sorry, academy soccer coaches, we can’t do a 9-12pm camp.
Anon says
Try YMCA camps. I worked for the day camps during my college summers and it was open 7:30am – 6pm. Maybe not quite as long as daycare, but still helpful.
EB0220 says
I agree, the logistics are the worst. But, I’m surprised at the lack of full-day camps. As mentioned above, we’ve had good luck with the YMCA camps, and also Lifetime Fitness if you have one.
LHW says
I’m headed to see a fertility doctor next week. What should I expect?
After all the tests on my and husbands end, everything appears normal. We are at a loss. I have also gone through 3 rounds of Clomid.
Anon says
In my experience, they won’t have much to offer you if you aren’t open to IUI/IVF. They will want your records. Some might want to re-do their own tests. If you have insurance coverage, you will likely need some tests re-done within the year for them to pay for IUI and a certain number of failed IUIs before IVF. I don’t have insurance coverage so I could decline some tests and do as few or as many IUIs as I wanted. I really had one or two consultations then it was off to the races. Do you have more specific questions?
LHW says
I am open to IUI and IVF.
Your comments about the medical records were helpful. I want to get started on next steps ASAP so I want to make it the most productive appointment. Thanks for the heads up on the re-testing, wasn’t expecting that. Hate to do that HSG test again.
Sounds like IUI may be realistic beginning in April.
anon says
if you have unexplained infertility and have already done 3 rounds of clomid, depending on how eager you are to get pregnant, an IUI won’t necessarily do that much to increase the likelihood. in fact, based on my own experience i’m surprised your previous doc had you do 3 rounds of clomid without an IUI. All that clomid/clomid + IUI really do is increase your chances. The doc might suggest another round or two of clomid + IUI, but think about how many rounds you are willing to do before proceeding to IVF.
LHW says
Harrumph. That wasn’t a response I was expecting. Thanks for your insight.
Pogo says
Yep. IUI is helpful I think only if you have mild male factor issues, because as my doc put it “you’re bringing all the right pieces together to let them do their thing”. Otherwise it’s really the same as Clomid.
Definitely research your insurance! Mine didn’t have any requirements on # of failed cycles so I went right to IVF after I think two rounds of Clomid, and based on my doctor’s comments about IUI (see above). I’m glad I looked into our policy because emotionally for me IVF was much easier.
Anon says
I declined a second HSG (though mine were the saline version, I still declined).
Anon says
Did you track and chart your ovulation cycle? I am assuming you did with three rounds of clomid but if you are not regular, that can really mess up chances. I started with an RE. As soon as we hit 6 months of trying with no success I went to the RE. I was armed with my cycle lengths, when I ovulate based on my testing at home, and what i expected. We went in August and I let him know that if I was not pregnant by October, I wanted to get aggressive with drugs and IUI. I got pregnant in September. My cycles were my problem and I ended up getting pregnant with no intervention.
LHW says
Fortunately/unfortunately, my cycle is as regular as tax season.
Mama Llama says
Were you with an OB-GYN for the rounds of Clomid you’ve done already? Did they do ultrasounds to monitor ovulation and do a trigger shot? That might make a difference in whether the RE wants you to go right to IUI/IVF.
LHW says
Yes, I was with my OB while on Clomid. I did not get ultrasounds to monitor ovulation and I did not receive a trigger shot. I did take progesterone tests on day 21 and sonograms before I started my next round.
Anoninny says
If it matters to you to have insurance pay for your treatments, find out what your insurance covers and whether, you need to, for example, do clomid + IUI before IVF. That way, you can speak more practically about next steps and not waste time talking about a procedure/protocol that you’re not going to do. IVF is more effective for those having problems, but much more time/energy/physically/emotionally/financially intense. IUI or clomid alone is much, much cheaper, but not as helpful.
Everyone’s insurance is different and it may vary depending on your age as well as medical history. I recommend asking your insurance co to send you the actual policy on fertility treatments. I was told I wasn’t covered for IVF based on my history, but I read the policy and saw that I was. It was much more difficult than it should have been getting the insurance co to believe me (my dr. literally had to write a letter saying I was over 35 and had not been able to conceive after 6 months of trying), but worth it considering the cost of IVF.
Anon says
And even if you don’t have insurance for infertility, let them attempt to bill the meds. Mine has paid for my IUI meds so far. I’m guessing they will cut that off when we get to IVF but we will see.
Pogo says
I posted above but for me personally IVF was less emotionally intense because it was more… measured? I liked getting my embryos counted and graded and knowing what odds were.
There also was less worry about being in the same place at the same time as my husband, because you can use either use frozen sp3rm or freeze embryos and transfer later when its convenient. Work travel was probably the source of 99% of my infertility stress.
LHW says
Good point. Timing is hard. I think I’m scared of the hormone shots…I’ll get over it.
Thank you all!
LHW says
Blugh, doesn’t appear IUI or IVF are covered. I know I’m not an anomaly here–just whining.
Reading, with a side of kindergarten cutoff says
My kid is 4 and depsarately wants to read. Because of the way birthdays and cutoffs fall here, she is not going to kindergarten next year. She in Preschool-3 now and will do Preschool-4 next year.
1. For those of you who had kids read early, what are some good resources? I’ve just been kind of winging it and I don’t want to mess things up. I’ve asked her Preschool teachers and they haven’t been super helpful beyond some basic worksheets- but I don’t really want to do “worksheets” as this isn’t school, she’s just really into it.
2. She misses the kindy cutoff by 2 weeks. Our town makes it very hard to push kids forward, and in fact, there is a huge red shirting trend. I recently learned that 25% of all kids with June-Sept birthdays are red-shirted, and there are even some May kids that are red shirted (May!). So if we did push her forward, she’d be in school with kids that are almost 18 months older than she is. If it were another district with a Dec 1 cutoff, she’d be headed to Kindy no question. We are heavily leaning towards keeping her on the schedule but this reading thing and a few other things are making me have second thoughts. How on earth am I going to keep her amused for the next 2 years?! FWIW o have 2 other kids, both are younger and both have midsummer birthdays, so I’ll have the opposite problem with them (though not really…barring some kind of not yet diagnosed leaning or social delay, their butts will be on the bus to kindy ASAP!).
Anonymous says
My 3.5 year old is like this. He’s obsessed with books and reading in a way that my other kids weren’t. I’m not doing anything at this stage other than point at each word as I say it when I’m reading books with him. He seems to recognize a few words now just from doing this. Trying to keep it low key because I think other stuff is more important – in line with the Finnish/European model of not teaching kids to read until they are 7.
avocado says
1. Hooked on Phonics Learn to Read is magic. Check the topics for each level against your kid’s existing skills so you don’t start with a level that’s too easy.
2. We let our kid do early kindergarten in a similar situation. Our state’s cutoff is September 30 with no exceptions, and redshirting is rampant. She missed the cutoff by several months but was more than ready academically and socially, so we put her in an accredited private kindergarten program at a preschool. That punched her ticket for first grade at public school the following year, when she would ordinarily have been starting kindergarten. It was the best possible decision we could have made, especially since grade advancement is not otherwise possible and our district’s gifted services are a joke. She is now the youngest kid in the sixth grade, takes one mixed-grade class and another consisting entirely of eighth-graders, and is happy and thriving. If your child is ready, don’t hold her back just out of fear that she will be the youngest. If you do private kindergarten, the worst that could happen is that she repeats kindergarten at public school the year she would have gone anyway. Where we are, public kindergarten is much more demanding than private kindergarten so it’s not really even like repeating.
Strategy Mom says
If it makes you feel any better, that 25% stat would be closer to 85% where we live in the South! It’s crazy!!
anon says
i’m in the south, currently pregnant due in late May and while i realize i have time to worry, i am strongly considering red-shirting my kid because i don’t want them to be 10 months younger than everyone else. i’d rather them be the oldest.
shortperson says
my kid is 3 and similar and we are 95% pushing her forward to be with kids way older than she is. i just can’t imagine her being in preschool for three full years. but nothing to offer in terms of experiences, you are ahead of us.
Reading, with a side of kindergarten cutoff says says
If you lived in our town, my kid would then be 18 months older than yours if mine follows our district rules ;) That’s the other side of this– we have several neighborhood kids that are young 3s now but would be in my kid’s kindergarten class, and wow, she’s just so much older than them. But she’s also so much younger than someone born in May 2012.
GCA says
Keep her in a more play-based preschool by all means! I read early (and so did my sister, and now my niece who is 3.5), with no hothousing or formal reading education – just a lot of joyful reading with parents and caregivers. My niece was at home with a nanny until she started preschool this year.
Separate from the school question, if she’s showing interest, at some point it will click and she will begin to recognise words. Let her interests guide you at the library and the bookstore. Books aren’t the only reading material, either – you can always point out words in the environment, like street signs or shop names. If she puts a lot of pressure on herself, and if she is getting visibly anxious and frustrated that she can’t read, try and help her reframe each try not as failure but an opportunity to try again and practice? (I am less certain on this point as my son is not quite 3, but he’s also starting to show some perfectionist tendencies.)
avocado says
+1 for play-based preschool as opposed to “academic” pre-K if you are not going to put her in kindergarten. We didn’t even think there was any academic value to kindergarten. It was just about fulfilling the legal requirement.
Reading, with a side of kindergarten cutoff says says
She’s at a play-based preschool, and specifically one with pre-preschool (a 2.9 program for kids with fall birthdays), so she doesn’t have a double year of 3s or 4s. There are 4 other kids in her class that have birthdays in the same month, and she’s so far ahead of them developmentally/’academically’- as in, she was potty trained fully before entering the school at 2.9 (there are kids in her 3s class still not potty trained), she has been able to write her own name since last fall, she has a handful of sight words, she has an attention span rivaling most kindergarteners or first graders we know (she’ll do an art project or a puzzle by herself for 45 minutes), can follow directions, get herself dressed inc. outerwear (along with reading is currently driving us crazy trying to teach her how to tie her shoes), BUT (there’s always a but), she’s socially….awkward. I don’t want to say immature, since she’s actually quite mature and socially self-aware, she’s just really introverted and it shows socially. She doesn’t do a good job advocating for herself and instead will just tell me about it later (“I wanted XYZ at school and I am frustrated because I didn’t get it.” “Did you ask? “no…”), and she doesn’t really enjoy socializing the way other kids in her class do (ie she likes playdates, but some kids just want playdates all day every day and mine would rather just have 1 a week). I’m truly not sure if that will change with another year of school– it might, or it might help if she’s the oldest in her class and her introvertedness will be less apparent if kids are less mature than she is.
She’s got two good friends: one is a June birthday kid she met at daycare, and she’s headed to Kindy next year. The other is a girl from preschool that has a birthday in the same month as my daughter, so will be headed to Prek 4 next year. She’s super jealous of the kid going to Kindy and yet, keeps talking about when she goes to school she’ll be in Preschool Kid’s class and they’ll ride the bus together and XYZ. We have a kid down the street that is 3 weeks older than my daughter who is headed to kindergarten and my kid is WAY more ready–but– that is a sample size of 1. Preschool Kid is emotionally not ready–she still has meltdowns, has trouble separating from her mom, and clearly needs to mature in that way, but is super social (vs my kid).
Ahhhh, I’m sure I’ll regret whichever way we go to some extent. Parents in my town have always said “you never hear of someone regretting holding the kid,” though there are lots that pushed their kids forward and they did fine.
GCA says
Ahhh! I was your daughter!! Minus the part about being developmentally advanced (let’s just say I was still occasionally pants-wetting and bed-wetting well into kindergarten – and ok, I was just a klutz). I have a late-in-the-school-year birthday, was introverted and socially awkward, and was happier around adults and older children than around same-age peers for a long while. I might have done well in elementary school if accelerated into the grade ahead, but at the same time, I was kind of an anxious wreck in adolescence, and there being the youngest in my class by far would not have served me well at all. If I recall correctly, my kindergarten teachers’ solution for what to do with me was to let me sit and read/ write my own (sprawling, hilariously absurd, multi-chapter) stories while classmates were doing their developmentally appropriate reading/ writing equivalent.
I don’t think there’s any clear steer one way or the other, and perhaps the answer doesn’t lie in school, but in providing her with opportunities to pursue her interests and be a bit more socialised outside of school (for me the answer was ballet & creative writing extracurriculars, and my teachers and classmates in our public school system’s formidable and lifesaving gifted programme).
GCA says
Stuck in mod, but just wanted to add that I was (am?) as introverted as your daughter; while being the youngest in my class might have served me well in kindergarten, it definitely wouldn’t have when we hit the awkward, anxious-wreck teen years.
mascot says
Is there not a pre-kindergarten option available to you? Pre-K curriculum in our area includes formal instruction in reading/writing while still keep play-based aspects. I’m a believer in keeping kids in grade levels that match their social/emotional skills. You can scale academics somewhat to challenge kids, but you can’t force social and emotional growth. Sounds like your kid may just be introverted, but it’s always good to know how to stand up for yourself. We’ve got the opposite issue here with a kid who is happy to let you know how he feels all the time and who always wants to run the show, which has predictably mixed results.
anon says
so true. my parents really regret not holding back my younger sibling. fall bday, cutoff was december 31, and at the age of 4/5 she seemed ready for kindergarden.
Anonymous says
Is there an outdoor preschool in your area? Forest preschools/kindergartens tend to have more emphasis on play based learning and developing gross motor and problem solving skills. That may help her social skills. Being able to put on her own clothes and outerwear and having some sight words at age 4 isn’t super ahead. That seems pretty common at that age I think so she should be fine. She’ll have a better experience at school if she has strong social skills so I would focus on that and just let her work on reading at her own pace. Audio books might be a good option as well so she can follow along with the book when you’re not reading to her.
In House Lobbyist says
We homeschool our older son now but he learned to read in Kindergarten. But all the homeschool books swear by Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Lessons. My 4 year old will make the cutoff by 2 weeks this year and we are sending her to school. I have been actively trying to not teach her to read but I am afraid she will insist this summer.
Redux says
Can you say more about why you are actively trying to not teach her to read?
AIMS says
I don’t have specific resources but just wanted to say that my mom taught me to read herself around this age and it was fine. I was always that kid with a book but it really only improved my life.
TBK says
If I’m reading you correctly, your concern is that she can read? Depending on what kind of gifted and talented resources your district has, I’d focus on her emotional readiness for school than her academic readiness. I could read and do basic math at age 3 and have a December birthday. My mom put me in kindergarten at age 4, because I was academically ready, and I’m not sure that was the best thing. (But then our district cut its limited gifted programs when I was in first grade and their solution was for me to skip 2nd grade. Luckily my mom decided that it was not a good idea to put a 6 year old in 3rd grade.) But if your school has some G&T programs, let her be with kids her own age and then use G&T to plus up her intellectual challenge once she’s school-aged. My twins are not quite 4 and reading, but I see preschool as being about basically everything BUT academics.
Actually just read your follow up comment and your daughter sounds so much like me. I did everything “early” but socially/emotionally was further behind. I would say especially for girls, the social aspect can be really challenging if the child is lagging behind her peers, no matter where she is in other skills.
EB0220 says
My 3.5 year old is in a classroom with 3-5 year olds (Montessori). She’s doing work on the level of the 5 year olds, but her emotional and social development is firmly in the 3 year old range. As a parent to a current kindergartner, I think that the social/emotional readiness is more important than the academic readiness. So I’d err on the side of waiting. That being said, I would have an alternative school idea for next year in my back pocket. My 3.5 year old really acts up in school when she gets bored, and has been much better since the teachers gave her access to the older kid work.
PregLawyer says
My kid is very interested in reading. This has been our progression. First – she needs to recognize all her letters, both upper case and lower case. Second, start talking about the sounds that different letters make (phonics). Third – rote memorization. Pick some basic early readers and make flashcards out of the words in the book. Go through the flashcards so your daughter can memorize and learn the words. At the same time, read through the book together.
Stop whenever she gets frustrated; don’t push. That’s our method! We’re only on step 2, but are about to start incorporating step 3.
Reading, with a side of kindergarten cutoff says says
This is exactly what we’ve been doing organically. She’s also decided to draw pictures next to all the words she wants to learn so she can remember them better, which makes sense since I’ve also seen tips to label objects around the house. I was a little worried that teaching the memorization would mess things up by not really introducing the phonics concept/ sounding out words, so I’ve been doing that more (eg. “AT” sound, then all the words that have it: BAT, MAT, SAT, RAT etc. Watching her draw “sat” and “rat” today was hysterical). She’s been laid up with a stomach bug for going on 3 days now and I think that has inspired her to beg to read- she’s sick of everything else!
anon says
It’s late the the day, but I’ll post anyways. I have an almost 4.5 yo who will be starting K this fall. She makes an end of September cutoff by 3 weeks. As far as readiness, she’s always been good at gross motor skills (she’s working on riding a 2-wheel bike and can do cartwheels) and fine motor skills (she can write all her letters well and in small print staying on a line). She’s been potty trained and dressing herself since she was 2. She’s good academically, as she can do basic math and knows all of her upper and lowercase letters and sounds.
However, I’m still very apprehensive her starting kindergarten. She’s very strong willed and impulsive. She pushes other kids when she’s supposed to wait in line, melts down if she doesn’t get to go first, and still snatches things from other kids. She isn’t good at following directions and tends to do whatever she feels like. She’s gotten kicked out of classes for hitting/not listening and is a general pain in the a– in many classroom settings. She also struggles with being able to express herself verbally, even though she has all of the words and can speak clearly. She just can’t get the words out in stressful circumstances. This is particularly problematic as about 95% of playground time of 4-5 yo girls is spent negotiating with each other over this or that. She has a lot of trouble joining in and prefers to play tag with the boys, which doesn’t require as much language. I’ve seriously thought about redshirting her because I think many of these issues are maturity related, but am hesitant because she is such a dominant personality. I think she’d end up a bully, as well as be bored socially and academically. She needs to be in a situation where other kids are willing to challenge her.
I guess what I wanted to share is that it’s not easy either way. Development is all over the place at this age and you still don’t know what kind of kid you’ll have by grade 2. Every kid has struggles and gifts. Your daughter may gain great confidence from helping other kids with their school work. My daughter may become less impulsive and more adaptable as her language skills improve in K and she’s challenged academically. Fingers crossed that both are true.
Only somewhat relatedly, I wanted to share that we’ve started How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I can’t share a final outcome, as we are only about 10 lessons in, but it’s been good so far. Before we started, my daughter was really good at identifying the first letter sound in any word, but we hadn’t gotten her to understand how to sound out a whole word. She couldn’t decipher the letters after the starting letter. This book is really good at teaching how to sound out words. We spend about 12-15 minutes a day on a lesson–that’s it. Even with less than 2 weeks invested, my daughter has started sounding out words and it’s starting to click. I don’t know if we’ll do the whole book, but just getting over that first hump has helped her understand what it means to read. It’s been really fun to see her make progress. She’s really happy with her progress, too. I figure that getting a head start on reading might help her in K given that she’ll be one of the youngest in her class. We’ll see. Either way, it’s been a fun project to do together.
Reading, with a side of kindergarten cutoff says says
So this behavior: “She isn’t good at following directions and tends to do whatever she feels like. She’s gotten kicked out of classes for hitting/not listening and is a general pain in the a– in many classroom settings. She also struggles with being able to express herself verbally, even though she has all of the words and can speak clearly. She just can’t get the words out in stressful circumstances. ” Is the exact opposite of my kid. Mine is The Rule Follower, who in fact subtly and politely tells other kids to follow rules, too. She is extremely articulate, and often will be the “translator” or “peacemaker” in social situations (eg. “Friend A, don’t be upset. Friend B is taking her turn and you can have the red marker next. Do you want my purple marker while you wait?”) BUT she just doesn’t want to play/engage like her peers do. She doesn’t actively initiate play with kids she doesn’t know, and unless it’s 1:1, she often has trouble initiating play unless an adult is there to help (eg. “Daughter and Group of Girls, why don’t you all go play on the swings?”), and won’t introduce herself to new (kids or adults). She does *really* well when she’s the Big Kid in a group of younger kids. She is an awesome big sister and really comes out of her shell around adults and other kids when her younger sister is around.
We’re in a town with a truly fabulous school system so I’m not worried that she’ll be bored in the classroom- there are tons of enrichment programs if she needed them. it’s not like skipping a grade would be the only way for her to be challenged academically. I’m more concerned about what on earth I do with her until she gets to school :) I guess make more younger friends to hang out with next year!
Heartbroken and at wit's end says
It’s probably too late for comments so I might repost in the morning but I am hoping for some wise words and advice.
I have 2 boys, 8 and 6. The 6-year-old is pure sweetness. The 8-year-old is sometimes the most loving and caring kid and sometimes an evil, mean, bully, mostly toward his brother. At school he’s a model kid (exceptionally bright and well-respected by peers and loved by teachers). The bullying and meanness toward his brother has been escalating in the past few months and we just don’t know how to handle it.
This is also a kid who is anxiety prone – he bites his nails to the quick, STILL uses a pull-up at night (although we suspect he pees in it in the morning instead of getting out of bed), and doesn’t like to sleep by himself. So…he sleeps with little brother (they share a room). And it’s so, so so cute. Except. Today little brother calls out to me: “mom, brother pulled down my pants and is touching my privates…”
And then I find out he has done this in the past. Sometimes while little bro is sleeping, and it will wake him up.
WTF Little bro doesn’t seem too bothered by this, just annoyed today.
I lost it on big bro this morning. I was full on yelling and telling him if he was a grow up he would go to jail and if it was someone else who did this to my kids I would kill him.
I don’t know where this is coming from and I don’t know how to handle it. Who can I talk to without getting CPS involved? Should I get CPS involved?
I should note that I have no reason to believe big bro has been a victim himself (I asked him point blank too). But, we do yell a lot in the house and DH and I have some pretty poor communication patterns that may contribute to the kids’ stress…maybe this is a way of dealing with anxiety? I don’t know. I am just so, so sad right now, that I failed to protect my little guy and that something is so wrong with my big guy that he would do this.
Anonymous says
I don’t have any answer to this, I just wanted to send some internet hugs your way.
My first stop would probably some kind of one on one counseling for both kids (and you!). Maybe a faith leader if you have one, though I think this situation would be best handled by someone with more specialized experience and who wouldn’t project morality on it. I honestly don’t know if CPS would get involved because of mandatory reporting, and I understand that is a scary prospect for a lot of reasons, but you have to hold out hope that “the system” would work. It is a tough situation, but addressing it as soon as you find out is the most anyone can ask of you, so please don’t think you failed.
rakma says
I concur with this. Therapy for everyone seems like the first step, and separating them at night. This might mean something temporary like one of the boys bunking in your room for a bit.
Also, sitting down with the older one today and telling him why you were so upset this morning, in a calmer way. Of course you went Mama Bear and want to protect your younger son, but the older one may need to hear some reassurance that you still love him and you were yelling about his actions and not him. It’s a distinction that kids sometimes need to hear specifically.
Anon says
I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. I would start by seeing if you can get him into a children’s behavioral therapist. As a foster mom I’ve had a bit of training on inappropriate behaviors and what to look for. I think touching privates is developmentally appropriate for your boys’ ages. Please don’t misunderstand me: that does not mean you tolerate or ignore this behavior! Tantrums can also be developmentally appropriate but that doesn’t mean we encourage them. Seek out someone who can help you understand why this is happening and how to handle it. I think it’s normal to feel sad and lost. Please take courage and seek out the resources and help that you need.
Anon says
PS I would not get CPS involved. They do not have the resources or wherewithal to help you with this issue. They are there to protect your children from you, not from each other. However, you might seek out adoption agencies as they have behavioral therapists or could at least steer you in a good direction. You could also contact your pediatrician for a therapist recommendation or even to get some feedback on how to handle this. Good luck!
anon for this says
Yes, agreed that I think this is not especially unusual or considered predator behavior when they’re that close in age. Obviously you’ll want a therapist to tell you that, but maybe it will give you some comfort.
I just want to say: I was a bright, curious, precocious kid and played “doctor” with my younger-by-two-years sibling when I was about 8 or 9. My parents found out and my dad lost it, beat me with a belt until I bled. And I was so hurt and confused and ashamed and carried that for a long time. My mom took me to a therapist at the time, too, and I think they told her the above, that it’s not unusual, but here’s what to watch for, etc. I didn’t have to keep going back. I never hurt anyone or touched anyone inappropriately after that. But I remember crying myself to sleep so many times thinking I was the worst person in the world and that my parents didn’t love me any more, and I’d ruined my sibling’s life…therapy as an adult helped me get a little better perspective on it.
Anyway, all that is to say…as a parent I totally understand the fear but please get a professional’s take on this and try to be easy on your kid in the meantime. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Heartbroken and at wit's end says
Thank you all for your words of kindness and wisdom. I keep thinking of my sweet kid as a predator and it breaks my heart so it is really good to hear from people that this may not be a sign of that.
I think part of what is so confusing and frustrating is that I would totally get “playing doctor” or just being curious, especially if it was mutual…but it seems like he was PLAYING with his brother’s parts…but maybe that’s just how he’s doing the learning/exploring? It also seemed like he’s a bit old for this (I feel like the right age is more like 5 or 6), but anon for this above who did the same thing at 8 or 9 makes me feel a lot more reassured about this.
Anyway, I’m going to try to calm down tonight and address it together with DH and try to find a therapist.
Anonymous says
And get therapy yourself. For you. For your husband. For the yelling. For your anxious kid.
anon says
Hugs, this sounds so, so hard. Agree with everyone else that therapy for everyone is a good first step. Maybe the kids could alternate bunking with mom/dad while you work this out
anon says
Yeah, I played doctor with my little sister and with a friend who was my age a handful of times. I think I was around 8– old enough to be hearing things from the bigger kids at school and have a very preliminary understanding of grownup topics. None of us turned into predators. It was a short lived exploratory thing. You can google around to see what is developmentally normal.
And yes, therapy for everyone.
Anonymous says
You need to get little guy his own bedroom tonight and call a doctor in the morning. Getting CPS involved is not the worst outcome. Your child being hurt is.
Anonymous says
My now 6 yo first grader was like this. We sent him to private school so he could start kindergarten at 4 years, 11 months. It was for both academic reasons as well as social (all his friends had spring birthdays and were moving on), and he had not made friends with the younger kids in his mixed age class so we thought being left behind would be hard. He is the youngest kid in his class but is doing great, so I think we made the right choice. For reading, he really liked Bob Books when he was 2-3 and learning to read. From there, we moved on to Dr. Seuss and Elephant and Piggy. Not long after that, he was devouring Magic Treehouse books.