Budget Thursday: Ruffle-Trim Shetland Herringbone Jacket

This gorgeous jacket at Talbots is on a crazy sale: It was $169 and is now marked to $60. There are a ton of sizes left in misses, petites, woman, and woman petites, but the catch is that the only solid color available in most sizes is this sort of yellowy orange mustard. (There’s also an ivory tartan that they call a “festive holiday plaid,” and a pink plaid). It’s an unusual color, but I’m seeing it more and more — with burgundy, cobalt, navy, etc. This looks very cool and modern but still feminine and sophisticated, and I would definitely give it a try. It’s one of those jackets to wear either as a really warm layer for inside or to wear outside when you need a coat but not a heavy one. Ruffle-Trim Shetland Herringbone Jacket

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  1. Morning Routine says:

    Thanks to everyone for advice yesterday! I was at my desk working by 8:30am today due to a combination of skipping my shower, getting up at 5:30 to do my hair and makeup, streamlining my hair and makeup, and my husband and I doing as much prep as we could last night rather than this morning. We were able to leave the house at around 7:05am, and I feel optimistic that we can shave another few minutes off to catch the 7:30 train which would have me at work by 8:15am.

    • Good job! My LO slept in today, and I showered last night, so I felt very accomplished by getting ready, doing laundry, then dishes and making my coffee before he ever woke up! Motivation to get up earlier! And by earlier I mean at 6:30 instead of 7. :)

    • Woohoo! It’s such a lifechanger when my mornings work well. Good job!

    • This give me hope! Way to put your plan into quick action.

  2. VeryAnon says:

    I think my marriage is circling the drain. According to my husband I’m a horrible person and it’s my fault we’re both fat and miserable, in jobs we hate, and the house is disorganized. This is probably true to some extent. It’s also true that I should have, and probably did, see this coming before we got married, bought a house, and had a kid. Whooops!

    Ideally, I’d like to fix things, but he doesn’t want to see a counselor, and while we could try a major life upheaval to see if that helps — quit our jobs, move to a less hectic area, etc. — I am terrified that if that doesn’t work, I’m stuck, jobless, in a small town.

    I am starting to care less and less if I am ‘right’ and think it may be time for the big D. I’m terrified of the logistics — moving, splitting custody, managing work travel and those days that I can’t do both drop off and pickup, being stuck geographically, etc. I’m terrified of telling people .

    I’ve posted before about our marriage being in a bad place, not sure why I’m posting again, other than feeling like this is a safe space.

    • I’m so sorry. What does your husband say besides that it is all your fault? Does he want the big D? Does he realize that will be the alternative if you don’t try to get help? I’m neither for or against divorce – its the right solution for some situations – but it doesn’t solve all problems on its own. Have you talked about that with him?

    • I am sorry to hear this. It’s absolutely not all your fault and it sucks that your husband would say something like that. Since he refuses to see a counselor, I would do whatever I could to protect myself in this situation, so not moving or quitting a job without another one lined up. Sure, these could be contributing factors to your problems but it seems unlikely that doing so will fix everything and it would probably just add to the stress. Are there any short-term fixes you can try like outsourcing more (maybe hire an organizer to help with the house or a cleaning service), join a gym, try to eat more healthily? Whatever happens you can do this and I wouldn’t worry about telling friends as I am sure it feels scarier than it will be.

    • anne-on says:

      Oh my, I am so sorry, that sounds incredibly difficult for you. First – I would NOT move or swap jobs. Protect your future self – if you do get divorced would you rather be in your town/job or in a new town with no network out of a job?
      Second – go see a counselor for YOU – to decide what you want to do. His stuff (weight, misery, etc.) is on him, and disorganization is NOT something only you control. Work with your counselor to decide what makes you happy and determine what changes you want to make/can make now, and worry about long term logistics later.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says:

      I’m so sorry. That sounds really tough. It is NOT your fault. It sounds like your husband might be suffering from some depression/anxiety and is unable to cope with all of life’s stresses. I think a lot of us felt this way after becoming parents, when things just got completely out of our control and we may not get as much exercise or sleep as we want, or work at the ideal job. Most of us here though sought out support, whether it’s through posting here or going to therapy (or both). The unwillingness to see a counselor is a problem though. Does he have a reason for not being willing to do this?

      I have no personal experience but I’ve read time and time again here that as tough as divorce is, it’s better to be single than being trapped in a marriage where you don’t feel supported.

      Hugs. I would recommend individual therapy for yourself. And possibly reaching out to a divorce lawyer just to see how the logistics would look if you pursued this.

    • lawsuited says:

      Definitely don’t quit your jobs. Maybe some help other than a therapist could still help you get back on track, like a cleaner to organize the house or childcare so the two of you can spend some time together and doing separate hobbies that make you happy? It’s probably worth talking with your husband about what – short of divorce or a huge life upheaval – could improve things and then see if you make any headway with any of those things. Also, I’m sorry to read this, and I wish you and your kid well.

    • Keep in mind that people don’t really talk about the easy divorces that went pretty smoothly. They don’t make for interesting articles and internet chatter. Those people also respect their ex and don’t air their dirty laundry so you don’t hear much about it from coworkers or friends either. That makes you think every divorce is going to be awful and that’s not true. The majority of the divorces in my state are settled on paper and done by mail with neither party ever stepping foot in the court. They decide how they are going to split everything including parenting time without even seeing a lawyer some of the time. I’m not saying foregoing a lawyer is a good idea, just that there are a lot of “easy” divorces and divorce can be done 100 ways.

      Lastly, those easy divorces often continue to co-parent well. Those days when you can’t do drop off and pick up? You can make a parenting plan where he does that too. For some people, that much communication doesn’t work and you just have to pick days. I’m responsible for the kids Mon, Wed, Fri, you have Tue, Thurs or whatever. Other people are able to still communicate and say hey, I have to work late Wed, can you do pick up?

      I’m sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck getting to the other side.

    • VeryAnon says:

      Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the comments — I’m too wiped out to respond to everyone individually…

      I won’t be quitting my job unless I’m going to another position. Sometimes I like my job, sometimes I hate it, but I like having a job.

      I tried a counselor once, we didn’t click, scheduling was awful, and so I quit and didn’t find a better fit, even though I should have — of course my H throws that in my face (and my previous use of anti-depressants).

      I don’t know what he wants — I’ve tried to do get us to eat better and work out more frequently, but it all falls on me to solve these problems. I’ve finally realized that he’s fairly passive in terms of doing the actual mental work it takes to do these things, so is relying on me to be the one to push and organize the better lifestyle — which dear lord, I don’t have the mental energy or time to do. Same with being more organized. He’s almost (or just as) bad as I am, but it’s my fault we don’t have things organized.

      He complains that I’m not affectionate, but I’m so self-conscious about my weight that I’ve lost any desire for any sort of physical contact.

      I think he just wants a very different life than the one he has now. I don’t know if he wants the big D, he won’t say he does or doesn’t. I don’t know if it’s because he legitimately doesn’t want one, or he wants to have ‘clean hands’ and blame it all on me.

      And to make this even crazier, there are days that he tells me how much he loves me and how great I am, how I do all these cool things with our kid, he’s impressed with my efforts at working out, and likes that if he’s interested in something, I make an effort to look into it for him etc. And then every few months we have a huge blow up where he says awful things. I just can’t take these blowups for much longer, especially since it’s not the kind of relationship I want my daughter in…

      • Momata says:

        What if you just focus on your own self-improvement for a while and not worry about his? If YOU want to eat better and work out, then make time for your own workouts and prepare your own healthier food, but don’t worry about him. Same with counseling – if YOU think it would be helpful, do it for YOU and not out of any obligation to him. And if YOU think YOUR stuff is unorganized, then organize it or pay somebody for YOU.

        Based on two comments from a total internet stranger, it sounds like you guys are locked into an unhealthy codependency blame spiral and it might help for you to make yourself answerable only to yourself, and make improvements that YOU want to make. This is great modeling for your daughter as well.

        • Anonymous says:

          This. Drop him mentally for a while. See if you feel better. He’s a grown man and he’d have to do it all on his own if you divorced anyway!

        • VeryAnon says:

          Thanks –that’s excellent advice and a good reminder –I do want to do all those things (eat better, exercise, get organized), but sometimes end up resenting him when I feel like I’m the only one who is making a effort.

          • Anon in NYC says:

            100%. Make yourself a priority and stop thinking about how to drag him along with you. Make the changes you want to see in your own life and the onus is on him to follow suit.

          • NewMomAnon says:

            Yeah, don’t look to him for affirmation – do it for yourself, if you want to do it. If he follows, that’s great! If he doesn’t, then you’ll feel accomplished/healthier/more organized/whatever. It sounds like he’s in a place where you literally will never be able to do enough for him, and he’s going to drag you down if you let him.

          • If you decide to work on you first, I can say that I just started reading “Better than Before” and I am pretty excited about it. I’m only on the second chapter, but a lot of it is really hitting home for me and I am hoping it can help me start making some improvements in my life.

        • Anonymous says:

          +1 – investing in your own happiness will benefit you (and him), regardless of whether you stay with him or not, you are going to. You can only control your side of the street. If you are doing it so you feel better and NOT so you will be more attractive to him, I don’t think you will feel so resentful. Frankly I would worry less about your physical appearance and more on “what do I need to not feel miserable?” You can be fat and happy. I think step 1 is a good individual therapist. I know its overwhelming to find someone and make time for therapy, but it is way easier over the long term than slogging through life miserable. And it sets a good example for your children.

      • octagon says:

        I could have written this: “I’ve finally realized that he’s fairly passive in terms of doing the actual mental work it takes to do these things, so is relying on me to be the one to push and organize the better lifestyle — which dear lord, I don’t have the mental energy or time to do.”

        My husband has a terrible habit of doing this. He complains about things but doesn’t actually think about his role in them or how he could help find a solution. Maybe a year ago I just decided it wasn’t my job to run his life or make him happy in every aspect. I work on healthy food for our family, and I manage the finances, and do a lot with child care, and that’s what I have the energy and ability to do well. He doesn’t like the car and complains about how we should get a new one? My response is: Okay, I’m good with that, figure out what you want. He says he wants more time to work out? Okay, let me know when you want to go and we’ll figure it out. (He never actually goes.)

        Basically I made clear that I wasn’t going to fix his life. It’s been very freeing and has decreased the tension between us (at least from my perspective).

        • Anonymous says:

          + 1

          I use some variation of “Okay, let me know what you want to do/find out/suggest” a lot.

          Focus on yourself – improve your job situation (if possible), your health/activity level for yourself – you will benefit regardless of where the relationship goes.

          My marriage was in a bad spot last year, we did some counseling and both recommitted to making it work and it’s been much better. DH had to be onboard with both of us improving on communicating and being more caring. Things can turn around but it sounds like your DH is not caring towards you so take care of yourself.

      • Anonymous says:

        Is there a chance your husband is depressed? When mine is, he tends to complain that all his problems are my fault.

        Forging ahead to do the things you want to do, just for yourself, is sound advice whether you end up staying or leaving. It will help you feel better during the decision period because at least you will be doing something concrete to move forward with your life. Pick just one thing and start there. A KonMari purge of your clothing, weekly meal planning, or signing up for a workout class (with child care provided if necessary) is a good starting point. After you get one habit established, you can add another. Just taking the first step is so empowering.

        • VeryAnon says:


          I do think that he is depressed — he’s not happy with his job, he’s not sleeping well, etc. And keeping that in mind, I let some of his snark slide, but then every once in a while push back in a non-productive manner -which leads to a blow out.

          I don’t think he’ll do anything about the depression — he’s got ideas about changing his life, and I’ve said he can do them, but for some reason, he seems to think I’ve said he can’t.

          I’m thinking about reaching out to a friend of his who has some experience in dealing with professional depression to talk to him, but worried that will just make things worse, because my H is so sensitive about possibly having any ‘issues’.

          • Anonymous says:

            If you really want to get him to counseling with you, can you fall on your sword and frame it as, we need a third party to help me figure out how to stop making both of us miserable. I’m the problem, I need help, and I need more help than you, poor long-suffering husband, can provide. Let the therapist help him see his own part of things, including untreated depression, etc.

          • Anonymous says:

            As someone who has been there done that, I disagree with the tactic of accepting blame as a way to get him to counseling. You are not making him miserable, so don’t say that you are. Do not ever accept the blame when it is not your fault. It just feeds the monster.

            Also be very cautious about couples counseling while there are individual issues on one or both sides.

          • Anonnymommy says:

            I agree with Anonymous at 1:03 – don’t fall on your sword for this guy. Don’t be his punching bag anymore. Unfortunately, I ended up with a divorce, but now I’m happier than I ever thought possible (and I lost those pesky 30 lbs). It’s awful, but if you decide to go for the big D, you WILL get through it.

    • Katala says:

      I’m so sorry. No advice, all I can say is DH and I had our first couple’s counseling session today and just that helped. It’s good to know we’re on the same page and working towards bettering our relationship together. Perhaps having something to work toward together – even if not counseling – could help things feel less hopeless.

      Can you ask DH what he wants to do about it, if not counseling? Does he think you can somehow fix it all yourself, or are there mutual goals you can work toward together? Something (possibly) less emotionally charged, like cleaning out the clutter in one room? Good luck and hugs.

  3. I just have to make a shameless plug for Talbots line of women’s petite clothing for any petite, cusp sized moms-to-be. Before I got pregnant I was at my heaviest and wearing a size 14petite or 16petite in most brands. I’m now 11 weeks and am starting to consider maternity wear, but I’ve struggled with finding petite work appropriate maternity clothes that are horrendously expensive. I bought some sale pieces from Talbots in their women’s petites and they are amazing! They are cut larger in the midsection area but fit me perfectly elsewhere. I’m wearing a 16 women’s petite dress today, and it’s a bit big now but I will be able to wear it for quite some time into my pregnancy since it has extra room right where a bump will be. And I’m thinking it will be perfect postpartum as well. Their shirts, pants, and skirts in women’s petites have similar generous cuts in the midsection.

  4. There seem to be a lot of twin moms on here. I’m just starting the infertility treatment journey and I’m curious about the actual likelihood of having twins. I know older moms conceiving naturally are more likely to have twins. I know fertility drugs like Clomid (which I will be on) increase the risk. I know that for IVF some people implant 2 embryos. I’ve heard that PGS testing increases the odds that they will split too. I guess I’m asking, if you are willing to share, how you ended up with twins. I know twin parents hate that question but I just want to be really prepared for what I’m doing here. I’m leaning towards using the drugs; if IUI fails, going to IVF with PGS testing but only implanting one embryo. I’d be okay if I ended up with twins but I don’t think I want to majorly increase my odds by implanting two. That said, I might be majorly increasing my odds just by going down this road and if so, why not go for broke with two.

    • This s!te is a great resource but also: talk to your doctor. I recently decided not to pursue IVF but my fertility specialist was very clear about the odds of having twins with IVF – I can’t remember the percentage he said now so I don’t want to throw out the wrong number.

    • Anonymous says:

      I know someone who had a fraternal set of IVF twins and then a second pregnancy that resulted in identical twins. Definitely an outlier, but I know another mom of two sets of IVF twins (fraternals).

    • also twins says:

      I’ve chimed in before to warn people about the increased likelihood of identical twins from IVF with PGS. I was sure I only wanted to transfer one embryo to avoid twins, but wound up with twins anyway. I’m now really happy with how things turned out (mine are two), but took my most of the pregnancy to be okay with it, and it was a scary time.

      If you do PGS, the embryos need to be frozen anyway, so I would advise transferring a single embryo at a time, especially because that part is pretty easy (and I say that as someone who white knuckled the whole process).

      I also just wanted to note that ID twins are riskier than fraternal, which I hadn’t known before.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have Clomid twins. I was willing to do marginally more invasive treatments but the Clomid worked for us (or overworked I guess). I got pregnant once sans Clomid and miscarried early, but had already been TTC for more than a year, so my doctor recommended we just go to Clomid after we were allowed to start trying again. From what I was told. Clomid alone does not increase your chances of multiples all that much. It might increase your chances 5%, for example, but they’re only at 3% or whatever to start with (these are made-up numbers but you get the gist). However, now that I’ve had twins, my odds of having twins AGAIN go up substantially if we try again with the Clomid.

      I was also told by one of my nurses that when in your cycle you take the Clomid can affect whether you have more eggs released or “riper” eggs (we were going for the latter, wound up with the former).

      FWIW, I LOVE having twins. They were our first and obviously very wanted. They’re 2 now and such best friends. My husband and I told each other last night that we were so glad we have both of them.

    • We have identical twins from IVF with ICSI (because of male factor infertility).

      Our fertility clinic was very big into single embryo implantation given my age (28) and no history of infertility, but never mentioned the possibility of identical twins. When we found out, we did a little bit of research and found out that ICSI does increase the chances of the embryo splitting, though to something like 1.2% instead of 0.4%. That being said, I am so glad we did not put back two embryos because while I love our twins, triplets (or quads!) would be really hard with two working parents.

      Like mentioned above, monochorionic twins (one placenta) are also much riskier than dichorionic twins. We got lucky and didn’t have TTTS, TAPS, or SIUGR, and only had a one week NICU stay due to having low birthweight preemies, but a monochorionic pregnancy means a LOT of extra ultrasounds and appointments, which can be tricky depending on your work situation.

      • also twins says:

        … and it’s not always so easy for them to tell what’s going on in there. I was at a top hospital’s high risk ob practice, and they ended up presenting my ultrasound to the entire practice + radiologists to get a read on whether there were two placentas smushed together or just one total. It took some time and lots of scans to figure out there were actually two, but not before scaring the sh*t out of us. There’s also an increased risk of heart issues with identicals and maybe some other organ issue, so there are often a bunch more tests.

        Also had about a week of NICU stay due to kids being born six weeks early, but they’re fine.

    • Thank you so much for your responses. I’m surprised that none of the responses yet have been about transferring two embryos. That means my risk with the “conservative” approach is higher than I thought. I like to go into things prepared so I really appreciate all of this. Also, I did talk to my doc but she was pretty vague. I didn’t do Clomid earlier in this journey because of the twin concern. This will be our first. We starting trying at 34 and I’m 36 now. February will be my first Clomid/HCG trigger/IUI plus progesterone. We are unexplained and it appears I’m ovulating monthly. They will be monitoring me w/ ultrasounds though so hopefully I’ll know if I produce a crazy number of eggs. While it would be heart breaking situation, I was also somewhat relieved to hear that selective reduction does exist if I ended up with something really crazy like quads.

      • Just to clarify my reply, I know the responses have addressed why they didn’t do two embryo. My surprise is I was expecting a bunch of responses that their twins are due to two embryo. Again, thank you so much for your time.

        • Pregnant again (finally!) says:

          I’ll bite then! We just did our IVF embryo transfer a couple weeks ago. We elected to transfer 2 even though we had done PGS testing and knew all of our remaining embryos were chromosomally normal. We now know I’m pregnant, but it’s too early to know if it’s a single baby or twins. Or, more! We chose to transfer 2 because of our (older) ages and because insurance covered none of our fertility treatments, we didn’t want to have to pay thousands of dollars again if this transfer was not successful.

      • also twins says:

        I did learn a bit about selective reduction, and it’s more complicated than I thought. It isn’t a real option in some situations (such as identical twins sharing a placenta).

    • Twins via clomid, though also some family history of twins and i was told if you are over 30 there is a greater risk of your body releasing two eggs (pregnant now with di/di twins, don’t know for sure if they are identical or fraternal, though more likely fraternal). honestly, we probably would’ve gotten pregnant on our own, but were getting impatient. due to various life circumstances we waited 1-2 years to start trying, then it took us a few months, got pregnant, miscarried, tried again for a bit and then were just desperate to be pregnant. there was no medical reason as to why we weren’t pregnant yet and physically hadn’t actually been trying for that long, though emotionally we felt like we were.

      it is totally ok on an anonymous board to ask people how they ended up with twins! personally i find it SO rude when people ask me in person if i used fertility treatments. i’m not embarrassed by it, but i just don’t think it is anyone’s business. i have lots of friends with singletons who used IVF and other fertility treatments and no one asks them. one person told me my twins are unnatural.

      good luck!

    • 2 embryos says:

      My twins are courtesy of implanting two embryos after ivf with icsi due to male factor infertility. I was in my lower 30’s so the doctor left it up to us if we wanted to do 1 or 2 embryos. This was a few yrs ago and it seems like things are leaning more conservative (ie one embryo) these days
      I have a ton of spontaneous twins in my family so I was a weirdo who actually wanted twins and saw it as the one perk of going through IVF. I really do love having twins but my pregnancy and delivery were far harder than my family members who’ve had spontaneous identical and fraternal twins.

    • We did IVF/ICSI due to male factor infertility, no PGS. We did it twice. The first time, we transferred two 3-day embryos. I was 32. We were okay with twins, and we got them–a boy and a girl. Five years later, we went in for #3. I was 37 and insistent that I’d rather have 0 than 2 this time (I love having twins, but I didn’t want two sets). RE was good with that until transfer, when he hard sold transferring 2 (when I was half naked on the table–I’m still angry). One took (although we did have a scare that it was two–there were two sacs, and it resulted in about 10 days of not being sure), and that was my third.

      • Ugh. That hard sell is terrifying. Doctors need to learn that you never ask people to make serious decisions while they are naked. Even for my pre-TTC appointment, I asked if we could do the medical stuff either before or after and do the discussion once I got dressed again. I can’t think when I’m sitting there half naked. I got in a fight with a dermatological surgeon once when I had no pants or underwear on and he was debating whether he could keep billing my insurance for a medical procedure or not. I asked him if he was done examining, he said he was, and I told him he needed to allow me to get dressed and then we could talk.

        It also cracks me up how they leave while you re-dress. Dude, you just had your head in my crotch with a microscope. Then you tried to talk business. I don’t care if you now watch me put my underwear back on.

  5. Can anyone recommend some sunglasses for my 27 month old? We’re going to Mexico next month, and I think I should take a pair. I really don’t have much hope she’ll leave them on, and we’ll take wide brim hats…but it seems like the responsible thing to do?! And if she likes them, she’d really benefit. She goes ape when the sun is in her eyes in the car. Thanks, ladies!

    • Emily S. says:

      I’ve had the best luck with cheap, fun sunglasses from Target, because she actually likes them, so she’ll keep them on for oh, 2 minutes, instead of 1. I worry they’re not the best SPF quality, but it’s something, right? I’m hoping other moms have good suggestions.

      • +1 my son’s are also from Target. He will keep them on for 15 minutes or so when we go for walks. It helps for him to see me wearing mine and I let him play with his and decide to put them on himself.

    • We’ve had good luck with the Baby Banz. My kid actually prefers sunglasses (when they stay on) to hats.

    • Babiators!

    • Due in December says:

      I recommend both Baby Banz and Babiators. We use both for DD, 25 months (Baby Banz when sunglasses are more non-negotiable, for example when at high altitudes near water/snow on sunny days, Babiators more about-town because she can actually take them off).

      Tips for keeping them on that have worked for us:

      Start practicing by putting them on regularly every time you go outside if it’s a sunny day. Make a big deal of everyone else also putting on his/her sunglasses.

      DD gets a kick out of mimicking us reacting to bright sunlight, and does the same (exaggerating squinting, “Oh! It’s so bright out here! Too bright! I need sunglasses!” She also does this when we turn on lights in the morning.

      Giving an option between hat and glasses if/when she has a problem with either.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I am so frustrated. My 4yo, who has been in daycare since she was 4 months, was just home from school for 5 days due to a fever that wouldn’t break. She’s finally back at school — and I found out that other kids at school have pinkeye and lice. I woke up with pinkeye today. I’m so done. I just want to be at work, doing my work! Not being home with a sick kid or being sick myself!

    • Anonymous says:

      It’s so annoying when sickness come in waves, but if it gives you home – my 5 year old had strep at least 3 times within 2 months last winter, as well as the flu and various other problems. This year [knocking on wood furiously] somehow he hasn’t missed a single day of school yet.

  7. Anonymous says:

    GIRLLL me too! DD was home for like 5 days in December, and was just home again for 3 days this week. It’s just that time of year.

  8. Poster from yesterday says:

    Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who weighed in on big families yesterday! Lots of food for thought, but I’m happy to hear it CAN be done!

    • I didn’t get to post yesterday because I was out of the office, but I have 3 kids and it’s great. I’m a biglaw partner in the midwest. My kids are 10 and 4 (the 10s are twins). Having the third was the best thing I ever did for our family.

    • Artemis says:

      It’s funny, I meant to reply yesterday and got sidetracked–I also have 3. I always wanted 2 or 3, and when we decided to go for 3 I really had to psych myself up for it (the pregnancy and the breastfeeding, not the actual person!). If I could have waved a wand and made my 3rd appear, that would have been great, but I survived being pregnant while chasing after two rambunctious high-energy kids and having 3 is just perfect. Ironically, now that I have 3, I know that 4 would send me totally over the edge. Not for me. 3 is my emotional limit, but it’s really good. My career getting sidetracked is another story, and something I struggle with intellectually, but emotionally, and in reality, my 3 kids are worth it :). Enjoy, whatever path you choose!

      • Aw thanks for these added comments. Yeah, I’m in the “psych myself up” phase right now. My career is ALREADY sidetracked (ugh) so just maintaining it is my goal!

        I think we will be really happy once we have 3, but it’s scary to think about adding anything to our delicate balance!

    • Anonymous says:

      I didn’t get a chance to respond yesterday either but have been thinking about your question. I have 3 – wanted 4 originally, then the reality of 2 hit and was ambivalent/happy with 2 when I got accidentally pregnant again (so, so happy for the accident that made the decision for me! Now we are too old to have a 4th worry-free).

      Anyway, what struck me from your question was that you don’t see models in your career path who have more than 2 kids. I was in the same boat, and what I wish I could tell the younger me who was looking for that was that it IS possible even if no one has done it before. You have to make up your own rules and your career path might not look the same as it does for those who have <=2 kids (i.e., more meandering, more time to get to the top, but careers are longer than the time it takes to raise a kid to adulthood), but the lack of role models does not mean it isn't possible.

      I still love my job and I love that I have a career AND I absolutely adore my kids and being a mom. So, my advice is to think about what you want your family to look like and figure out what you are willing to do to make the personal life sync with your professional goals.

  9. My 11 month old (previously wonderful sleeper) has started waking at night – around 2:30 or 3AM wanting to be fed. He’s exclusively formula fed and drinks 4 oz at a time – I have tried for months to get him to drink more with zero success. He gets dinner between 6:30 and 7PM, a 4 oz bottle before bed (7:30PM) then we feed him 4 oz again around 10PM before we go to bed! Any tips? FWIW – I’m pretty sure he was premaure (he’s a foster so I don’t know his birth story), and he’s in the 3rd percentile for weight so we feed him as often and as much as we can. His pedi said his weight is fine as long as he’s gaining. He’s also been sick and teething so I think part of the waking is discomfort. Should I try NewMomAnon’s tip of PB before bed? Or do I just need to suck it up and do a middle of the night feed for a while?

    • anne-on says:

      Can you check with your doctor on PB or Honey? I don’t think those were allowed for kiddos before 1 (though that may have changed). Otherwise one or the other worked wonders for us with late night wakings. Are you also doing solids? My kiddo woke up more around that age and would eat a TON of solids gearing up for a growth spurt.

      • Our pediatrician had us start peanut butter at 9 months – I think the new recommendations are for earlier starts to avoid allergies. That said, I wouldn’t do a spoonful of PB for an 11-month old – that’s a choking hazard. If he’s only taking formula I think it’s time to introduce other solids, especially fats and protein as suggested below.

      • New advice we got from an allergist is to introduce peanuts (either PB, or bambas, or PB powder) very early – like in the first month that you are starting solids.

      • the peanut butter rules have changed. honey is still a no go until age 1

      • Anonymous says:

        PB is advice is 4-6 months, or whenever you start solids. And then give it continually. Basically they can and should eat/try anything (except for food with a ton of salt, and honey), ESPECIALLY allergenic foods.

    • Momata says:

      If he’s sick and teething, can you give him a dose of infant Tylenol when you feed him at 10pm? Hopefully that would get him through the night and not start a habit of another feeding at 3am, as long as you don’t think that feeding is necessary to get his weight up.

    • Anonymous says:

      Will he eat more fat/protein at during the day, particularly at dinner? Eggs, avocado, cheese, etc?

    • lawsuited says:

      We had a similar experience when our babe was 6 mo. He started waking at 2:oo am, we’d give him a bottle and he’d go back to sleep. Then he started waking up at 12:30am and 4:00am as well until he was up 2-5 times each night. Our paed told us he didn’t need to eat at night and was capable of sleeping through (which we knew because he’d been sleeping through before!) and that we should put water in the bottles instead of formula. We felt awful about it, but within a week, he was sleeping through again.

    • He’s getting Tylenol at 10PM for teething (not all the time, just when I can tell he’s in pain). He’s eating solids: dinner is usually chicken so I will try to incorporate more fat. His solids right now mainly consist of: PB, yogurt, chicken, lentils, and avocado. He’s allergic to eggs. He’s been eating spoonfuls of PB since 6 months, per his pediatrician’s recommendation. Baby spoonfuls, not adult spoonfuls – I get what you mean about choking but he’s good about that. I give him water afterward so his throat doesn’t feel sticky. For others following: Never give an infant under 1 honey! They cannot process the bacteria in it. Precious Little Sleep says one wake time is acceptable so I guess this is my new normal for a while. Thanks for your responses!

      • Anonymous says:

        Where his weight is so low and he’s been sick recently, I would inclined to accept the 2:30-3am feeding for now. Try alernating who feeds him and the person who doesn’t get up can sleep with earplugs so they sleep through the wakeup. Try uping his fat and protein at meals and snacks. Full fat cream cheese on toast was a popular one in my house at that age. Try offering it as ‘dessert’ after dinner. Reevaluate in a week or so.

        • Yeah, I’m thinking this feeding might be necessary to offset his sickness. Cream cheese is a great “dessert” idea!

      • The SleepEasy Solution has a night weaning process/suggestion that you could try instead of water, where you wake the baby up for a middle of the night feed before they have been waking up on their own (so they don’t start associating wake up + crying = food) and decrease by an ounce per night until you’ve cut the feeding entirely.

      • FTMinFL says:

        Hi from another mom of a 3%-er!! My son went and still occasionally goes through two-ish week phases with night wake ups where we suspected he was hungry. Now that he is 2, he is able to tell us that he is hungry. Right around 12 months I put a micro-fridge in his room and put a sippy cup of whole milk or kefir in the fridge. If he woke up in the middle of the night, I would grab the sippy cup as quickly as possible and sit with him while he DRAINED it. The faster I could get the straw in his mouth, the easier he would go back to sleep. After about two weeks of this, the night wakings would stop and I would start to notice the results of a growth spurt.

        We’ve tried adding more high fat foods to his diet (I think he would live on guacamole), but it doesn’t seem to help these phases. I have a hunch that little ones on the smaller end of the spectrum have excellent self-regulating abilities when it comes to food, and the occasional night waking to eat comes with it. I’m not sure whether this is encouraging, but the night waking is definitely normal and it will pass. Good luck!

  10. Critical Carpool Parent says:

    I can’t stop thinking about a critical comment from another parent in my daughter’s carpool this morning. I kept my daughter home from school all last week due to a nasty virus and subsequent ear infection, which this car pool parent knows because (a) my daughter wasn’t in the van; and (b) I told the parent about the ear infection yesterday morning. This morning, my daughter was having an upset stomach due to the antibiotic she’s taking, and she was a little weepy as the kids were boarding the van. This parent commented that “DD seems a little sad this morning,” and I said “yeah, she’s not feeling that well.” The parent replied sarcastically, “well, thanks for putting her on the van with my kid.” I said “it’s just a stomach upset from the antibiotic she’s taking for her ear infection” and walked away. The parent tried to backtrack by saying, oh, “do you need to borrow some probiotic?” but am I out of line for thinking that it escalated into a nasty comment pretty quickly? This parent knows me well enough to understand that I’m committed to keeping my kids home from school when they have something contagious.

    • potato says:

      Other parent probably had a fight with their spouse this morning and is taking it out on you. It’s hard to let this kind of thing go, but, especially since the other parent immediately tried to back away from his/her nastiness, I think it’s the right thing to do here.

      • Anonymous says:

        SO much this – though my work/outside the home conflicts generally manifest as nastiness with my spouse. Let it go and hope your kid feels better soon.

    • Anonymous says:

      Case of foot in mouth? Other parent said it instead of just thinking it? If it hasn’t been a continous issue with this parent, given their attempted apology, I’d let it go.

  11. Paging mushroom wife says:

    Whatever happened with that? The husband who had ordered mushrooms and the expensive painting?

  12. NewMomAnon says:

    Related to the discussion of divorce earlier, but not on topic enough to be a sub-comment:

    I have to put in a plug for a book that I just read – it’s called “Come As You Are.” It’s about women’s s*xuality, including a lot of scientific research and some anthropological/psychological analysis of issues that complicate intimacy, especially in long-term relationships. I didn’t find it to be racy or sensational; it’s a well-researched, well-written book with lots of interesting insights. I wish I had read it before I got divorced, because it might have helped me get past the feeling that it was “all my fault” or “all his fault.”

    And…don’t be turned off by the garishly pink cover. Publishers are the worst. The book didn’t deserve that.

  13. Jeffiner says:

    How do you remember to have your young children do chores? My daughter just turned 3, and she knows how to do simple things like put her clothes in the laundry, set silverware on the table, or put her dishes in the sink. I expect her to need to be told/reminded to do these things before they become routine for her, but most of the time I forget and do them myself automatically. Do I need a chore chart for myself? Any tips?

    • avocado says:

      We had success with a chore chart in a highly visible spot. If the kid is excited about the chart/stickers/rewards, she may even remind you to let her do the chores because she wants to get a sticker.

    • What worked for me is to just build our daily routine around the chore. If it doesn’t happen daily, I need to set a reminder on my phone about it. So after dinner, my child always brings her plate to the sink and then has to clean up her toys. Before bath, she always has to put her clothes in the laundry. After a week or so it just becomes routine and it is easy to remind her about it. To get it to be routine, do what you need to do those first few days. Ask DH to remind you if he is around, set a reminder to go off on your phone at a time that would be useful, put a post-it note on the silverware drawer or laundry hamper. etc.

    • mascot says:

      I think once you break the habit of doing everything for her, it gets a little easier. Sometimes kids will be going through an independent streak and you can capitalize on that.
      Some habits/chores will be easier to ingrain than others. We’ve expected our kid (7) to take his plate to the sink since he was about 3 and he does it without prompts. Setting the table usually requires pulling him away from some other activity and timing with when dinner is ready so there’s more friction on that task.
      Some chores require a higher level of independence/skills and I wasn’t interested in fighting those battles too early. He’s been using his hamper for years, but it wasn’t until age 5 or so that we really started enforcing making his bed and getting dressed before he could come down for breakfast. There will be some tasks where you need to set a hard limit to make them stick.

    • Artemis says:

      I had 3 kids and that solved the problem–they all have to do their chores and do things for themselves or we’ll never get anything done! Also I remind myself that I’m not their maid or servant (and I remind them too). If it’s not mine (dishes, dirty clothes, bed, etc.) I try not to touch it, but I do have to do a lot of reminding. My 7 year old now gets a small allowance for regularly weekly chores so that keeps us all on top of it.

  14. Hi ladies! I dropped my last pumping session this week – hallelujah – but am finding myself really uncomfortable throughout the day and painfully engorged by the time I get home. (So, I’m on day 4 of not pumping.) How long does this take to regulate? Still nursing morning, evening, and dreamfeed, and plan to continue that a bit longer. I had dropped down from two pump sessions to one about two weeks earlier without a problem, but with one session a day was still pumping about 7oz. Any advice? Just tough it out?

    • Anonymous says:

      Maybe bring your manual pump and pump off a couple ounces mid-day for relief? I was always worried about masitis when I started dropping sessions so I took a super gradual approach. For me it was as much as 2 weeks to adapt after each dropped pumping session.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      If you’re still nursing sometimes, this may not work, but Sudafed will also dry you up. You could take some (4-6 hour variety) in the morning and the effect will probably wear off by evening.

  15. LA doctor recs says:

    Looking for an OB in Los Angeles – preferably the Studio City/Sherman Oaks area – any recs? TIA!

    • Hi fellow Angeleno! I like Marianne Ebrahim and Caren Hoffman. They’re part of the Cedars Sinai group near Beverly Hills so maybe too far for you, but throwing it out there just in case!

  16. Ranon says:

    Just a thanks to advice from earlier this week. I found a SUA (single umbilical artery) group on FB and it’s been great to read all of the success stories and also what to expect and prepare for (small baby, labor induced early due to growth stopping, etc). My situation is not ideal but information is power and if I can prepare and plan, I can handle anything.

    • Mama Llama says:

      I’m glad you found a good source of support and information. Best of luck to you and your little one!

  17. On 3 kids says:

    Meant to respond yesterday. We took advantage of a lean-out-not exactly-by-choice (layoff, giant severance package, chose to consult for 4 years and have kids 2 and 3 vs go immediately back to corporate after layoff). My career didn’t pause, but accelerated less quickly. I was a VP when laid off, and returned 6 years later as a VP. I probably won’t be c-suite, but I decided that was OK a while back. I like my family more than work, and so does DH. Not to say people with fewer kids don’t just that for us specifically, it came down to seeing our kids more or getting in the C-suite track.

    DH is also VP level. We make plenty of money. We are home enough. We are really happy. But it defiantly was a trade off along the way.

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