CorporetteMoms

Updated: Apr 13, 2021 137 Comments · by

Accessory Tuesday: Bold Pearl Necklace

Recent Recs

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A woman wearing a Bold Pearl Necklace

I love pearls. Nearly every day in the Before Times, I wore a Mikimoto single pearl necklace to the office — it was classic, subdued, and went with everything. Right now, I still want something that goes with everything, but bolder.

As the name suggests, Mejuri’s Bold Pearl Necklace might be the update I’m looking for. This elegant 16″ necklace is strung with 25 oval, freshwater pearls. It’s a different take on your traditional string of pearls but still looks great with everything — you can dress it up or down. It would also look great layered with another gold chain or drop pendant necklace.

The necklace is $250. Mejuri prices their products without the markup of traditional brands, so you receive the same high quality materials and craftsmanship for less!

Sales of note for 12.5.23…

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Crate&kids – Free shipping sitewide; up to 50% off toy + gift event; free monogramming for a limited time only (order by 12/15)
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off your purchase with code
  • Pottery Barn Kids – Up to 50% off toys, furniture & gifts
  • Graco – Holiday savings up to 35% off; sign up for texts for 20% off full-price item
  • Walmart – Up to 25% off top baby gifts; big savings on Delta, Graco, VTech, Fisher-Price & more

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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!

About Ann

Ann is a working mom, a longtime reader of Corporette and CorporetteMoms, and has been writing our morning fashion advice for working moms since November 2020! She has a daughter (born winter 2014) and a son (born fall 2019) and is a public interest lawyer in Washington, D.C.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    I had laparoscopic surgery to remove an ovarian cyst and they removed the ovary with it. The recovery was a bit harder than I’d expected or when I had just had a cyst (and not an ovary) removed. Does anyone have any experience with this surgery? Am I right to expect the recovery to be a bit harder when they take an ovary and Fallopian tube? Thanks!

    • Anonymous says

      I’m sorry that I don’t have advice. I was just curious, did you know they were taking the ovary beforehand or was this something that was decided in the moment? I had a very painful and large cyst removed from my fallopian tube a year or two ago. My doc suggested that if it kept coming back, we could remove the tube. If that was your situation too, how many times did you have cysts removed before deciding to take the ovary/tube too?

      • OP says

        The cyst was very large (12 cm) so they said it was possible they’d have to remove the ovary but they didn’t make it sound likely. But it was apparently very intertwined with it, so the ovary and the tube had to come out. I’m not thrilled but I assume it was necessary (since they told me it was). This was the second time I’d had a cyst removed from that ovary but the first one didn’t involve removing any ovary/tube; that was actually a small cyst and they just grabbed it while removing a larger one on the other ovary. Ah, the joy of being a woman!

    • anon says

      This exact thing happened to my wife. She found the recovery slightly harder, but not by a lot. Partly it was that they also ended up taking her uterus, and for long-winded reasons that meant a few extra incisions, which were annoying and painful even when tiny. She rested exclusively for a day, moved around a bit the day after, and was functioning at a decent 70 or 80% within a week. Her original cyst removal was with a different surgeon and followed a pretty similar pattern.

      • OP says

        Thank you, that’s interesting. I had this done five years ago and barely skipped a beat but this time, I was laid up a bit more. Two full days in bed, third day venturing downstairs a tiny bit but still exhausted by any activity, fourth and fifth days still pretty tired and low functioning. Back to just about normal about a week later. Maybe my expectations were a little too high!

        • Anonymous says

          I’m the commenter above that had 1 cyst removed. My doc predicted my recovery to a tee. Mine was longer than some other people. Maybe it was because it was also exploratory to see if there were other issues causing my pains? I needed a good week before I was ready to WFH. Then I did WFH for a week and then was ready to start driving. I did start walking the neighborhood (1/4 mile) two days later but it was SLOW. My ab muscles were shot and I had to rebuild them.

          The only thing I would do differently is not wait so long to take the pain killers. I waited until the pain was truly unbearable to take one and that wasn’t necessary. I only had that level of pain twice and I definitely waited too long to treat it.

    • Mary Moo Cow says

      I’ve had this surgery (it was a surprise; it grew out of an infection.) My recovery was similar to a c-section but it hit me harder, I think, because I didn’t have the flood of hormones. I thought I was feeling better and healing more quickly than a c-section but then I would overdo it and have to spend the rest of the day on the couch. I basically bullied my doctor into letting me go back to work full time in an office 6 weeks after surgery but I wish I had taken the 8 she recommended. For context, with both my c-sections I didn’t take painkillers after 3 days and went back to work with one after 8 weeks, so I push through pain but the fallopian and ovary removal knocked me down. Also, it took me a solid year to get back to lifting the amount of barbell weight I had been lifting before my surgery. Maybe it was that I few years older than when I had my babies, but it was a slower and more difficult recovery than I expected. I hope it is better for you! I don’t say this to scare you, but just to tell you not to beat yourself up if it takes a while.

      • OP says

        Thank you, that’s really helpful. And I should say that I’m mostly on the other side of it now. The first time I had this surgery (when they didn’t take an ovary), I was mostly fine within three days. This time, it was more like day 5 or 6 that I felt like I was getting closer to normal. I’m five years older, but I also have two small kids; my husband handled them but I think it made me more aware of my limitations than I would have been had I just been lying around watching tv for a week!

        I had my follow up appt yesterday and the doctor acted shocked when I suggested it was harder than the last time and then suggested I might have a hard time with a second c-section, which I didn’t love since this felt more complex than the first cyst removal. I have to imagine your body reacts differently when an organ is removed, no matter how small.

    • Anonymous says

      I had this done but in a simpler procedure because there was no cyst. It took me a few days to recover, and about a week of bleeding intermittently.

      One thing I wish I was prepared for is that I no longer ovulate every month. Not sure what your fertility plans/situation is. But generally, you ovulate roughly every other month from each ovary. I assumed that when one was removed, the other picked up the slack, and that is not normally the case. I generally ovulate 6-7 times a year.

      • OP says

        Oh wow, no one told me that but it makes complete sense! We are fortunately done with that phase of my life, but I’m definitely in the age group where it seems relevant!

  3. House question! says

    You guys are always handy with this stuff – about to list our house – any tips or good products for whitening grout on the floor of a kids bath? It’s not terrible but really trying to make our house look as nice as possible! TIA!

      • OP says

        Magic eraser is my automatic answer for everything right now! I should try it! Those things are wonders!

        Thanks for the ideas!

    • anon says

      I don’t know from personal experience but I’m a GoCleanCo fan – water, bleach and Tide! I’ve also just used a Clorox bleach pen on smaller areas, but I think it would be a pain to do all the grout like that.

      • Anonymous says

        I used this when we sold our last house. I found it a lot more difficult to get looking good than I expected, but it was better than without it!

    • Anonymous says

      They actually make grout PAINT. My mom used it on her kitchen floor and it looks like new. She said it was super easy and quick

    • Anon says

      Thanks all! Looks like there are actually a bunch of options – ordering a few things to try! Appreciate the advice!

      • Aunt Jamesina says

        Zep grout cleaner, found at Lowe’s or HD. Very little scrubbing and works like magic. FWIW, I’ve tried nearly all the other methods others have used and this was far and away the easiest and most effective. Magic eraser will just shred and won’t remove anything, grout is way more abrasive than it.

  4. Anonymous says

    For anyone who has had a third c-section, could you speak to how the experience compared to your earlier ones? If you can say how old you were, that’d be great, too! I’m having our third at 42 (will be 43 at birth) and am a little nervous for the recovery. (And yes, yes, I know I’m super freaking old to be doing this.)

    • Anon says

      i have not had 3 c sections, but ask about a TAP block. they are supposed to make it a lot less painful. as of 2018, my hospital does them. my friend’s does not, but after she heard me mention it she asked her hospital (this was in 2020) and they were able to get it for her. below are some links about it:

      https://www.texaschildrens.org/sites/default/files/uploads/documents/health_professionals/kaleidoscope/Day%202%20Multi-Modal%20Innovative%20Approach.pdf

      https://www.mhealth.org/blog/2015/may-2015/q-a-new-tap-block-technique-reduces-pain-and-side-effects-for-mothers-after-c-section

    • anon says

      I’m having my third c-section five weeks from tomorrow so I can get back to you then! (or if yours is first, let me know)

    • Anon says

      I’ve had three (30, 32, 35). I’d say comparable – maybe a little better because I really knew what I was doing and baby was in the NICU for a bit this time so I didn’t really have anything better to do in the hospital than shuttle back and forth!

      Took me longer to get back to exercising though but again I think that’s because I was being smart. I’m having a fourth in the fall at 37.

    • AnonIVF says

      You’re not “super freaking old” – you’re the perfect age for your baby and your family.

      Signed, someone who had her first baby at 40 and plans to have 2 more children (realistic b/c we have a high number of banked embryos from IVF).

      • OP says

        It looks like my reply is in moderation for some reason!

        Sorry if I offended, I was being a little sarcastic! I know that I’m definitely older and that there are risks that come with it, but I feel like some doctors/people in general act like I’m a fool for even considering this at my age. We did IVF with donor eggs so egg quality wasn’t an issue here.

        Good luck and enjoy those babies!

        • AnonIVF says

          I was 0% offended – all good! I’m super happy with our decision to start our family when we did (although it ended up being about 2 years later than initially planned due to the need for IVF – although our issues were not age related/egg quality at all). I love being a mom at this age, and anyone who looks at me funny or acts like I’m a fool can kiss my happy bum. I just wanted to make sure that YOU knew you weren’t super freaking old :)

          • OP says

            I appreciate it! I do feel self-conscious for some reason, and I don’t want to sound dismissive of the risks, but I also think they are generally not as great once you remove egg quality from the equation. At least not at 42!

    • Anon says

      My mother had three C’s (I’ve only had one). She said the third (at 36) was harder than the other two, but she also had her tubes tied at the same time and thinks that was the difference. I would think of it as surgery, particularly if it is planned and you’re not laboring beforehand, and you’re not at all old for surgery! You will have the hard part (growing your third human) behind you.

    • Anon says

      i have a post stuck in mod with some info about TAP blocks, which is a pain management technique post c section

    • Anon says

      I had a second c-section two months before I turned 43. It had been 6.5 years since my first c-section.

      I did the TAP and it did seem to help somewhat with pain (though for my first c-section, planned (as was the second)), pain was always tolerable with pretty minimal and short-term use of narcotics.

      One weird thing the second time – which I’ve attributed to the TAP though I don’t really know – is that the skin over my lower abdomen (basically belly button down to c-section scar) seems like it’s partially numb now. I can still feel pain, heat, etc. but it’s duller, almost like when a limb is asleep. I’m almost 9 months PPT and still have some partial numbness in the region where they did the TAP. Maybe unrelated.

      And you’re not too old! I’m more patient this time around, and less inclined to sweat the small stuff. Congrats!

      • OP says

        Thank you! I actually have similar numbness from the first and second c-sections, but it’s more centralized around the scar — maybe an inch above it? I hate it though for some reason. Just gives me the creeps!

  5. Anon says

    Please send positive vibes. My youngest has a cold, so both kids have to stay home until we get a negative COVID test. DH and I are completely slammed at work this week with some super time sensitive deliverables, and back up care isn’t available due to COVID. Here’s hoping we get a negative test and the baby feels well enough to go back to daycare ASAP.

    • Anon says

      Good luck! We’ve had a few colds despite the daycare precautions and never even got Covid tests (neither daycare nor our ped recommended it). Kiddo recovered quickly and no one else got sick. Even in these strange times, a cold is usually just a cold.

      • Boston Legal Eagle says

        Yes, my youngest has gotten the usual round of daycare illnesses, which looked exactly like the colds of the past. At this point, I just assume cold unless we all get some unusual symptoms (we haven’t caught his last few).

        Our daycare allows kids with just runny noses/congestion in, as long as there is no fever or cough or other “Covid” symptom.

        • OP says

          Thanks. We’ve also had the usual rounds of colds – averaging 2 each month. Daycare won’t allow kids to come in with a runny nose, cough, etc. unless there is a negative test. I understand it, but it sucks as a working parent.

    • Anonymous says

      Good luck! Pre-pandemic I worked through a bout of hand foot and mouth with two very fussy 18month old twins. Baby wearing was clutch. Grumpiest twin happily napped on my back while I worked. He screamed bloody murder every time I put him down but would nap in the Ergo on my back for ages.

    • Pogo says

      Good luck – I feel this. We had a negative rapid yesterday so sent the baby back at least. Need the official negative today to send big brother back later this week. The baby squawked throughout the entirety of my call with the Latin American sales team yesterday. Feels like the early days of switching off with DH every other hour based on who has the more critical call. positive vibes for a negative test!

    • Anon says

      Good luck. This may not work for you depending on your type of job, but when people in my office have constraints on a deadline, they sometimes swap projects. So a coworker not sick right now or not juggling child care would take over your deadline and you take over one or two of their less time sensitive projects in return. It’s not always possible but since we all do the same type of law, it’s pretty easy for us to pinch hit on each other’s cases at time.

      The greatest feat between me and my colleague (and we are also friends which is why this was possible) but she took over an arbitration for me the night before (!) when I suddenly had norovirus and couldn’t go anywhere in person and the arbitration couldn’t be postponed because the Defendant was deploying the next day and would be legally unavailable for several years. I had luckily prepped my opening, direct and cross on paper (and not just in my head) so she was able to take my script and run with it.

  6. Anon says

    Am I crazy to let my 3 year color her hair with hair chalk for “wacky hair day” at school?

    • Anonymous says

      No – more than a few kids will probably have that or something similar

    • TheElms says

      It is only hair, why not? It might be messy though. I can recall doing kool-aid in lower elementary school and manic-panic semi-permanent color in 6th grade (which on my very blond hair lasted about a month I think)

    • Anonymous says

      Not crazy! My daughter (5 at the time) and I dyed our hair last spring because pandemic, and she got such a kick out of having pink hair for a couple weeks. Chalk is even more temporary than that, so go for it.

    • anon says

      Is her hair super light? My 4 yo is very blond and we found hair chalk can be semi permeant. She ended up with rainbow unicorn hair for 4 months following a birthday party. Oops.

  7. Daycare says

    This is going to sound silly … but how do you know if little kids are happy at daycare? At a new center, and dropoff and pickup have been really stressful with lots of chaos. The teachers say things are going fine, and I’ve been trying to trust that but having a hard time not worrying.

    • Anonymous says

      How little? Around age three we started taking turns saying our best thing/hardest thing of the day every night at dinner. Gave us an interesting window into the kids day. They are elementary school age now and still like doing it.

    • Anonymous says

      I’d ask more questions if you still have concerns! Who are her friends? What is her favorite and least favorite activity? How much say do the kids have in what they do during the day / free play time? How is she doing compared to the rest of the kids in her age group? Also, you can ask to schedule a brief call/meeting during or after hours (not pickup/dropoff) to talk about progression and integration. I would probably set one up for about a month from now. If doing those things doesn’t allay your fears, I’d consider what exactly you’re concerned about (her safety? health? development? friends? the teachers’ abilities?) and try to make an objective measure. We sent our kids to a less structured daycare, at first, and were concerned enough with the chaos to switch. Specifically, they had multi-age play on the playground at the end of the day and we were concerned about some older kids with our 2 year old.

    • Anon says

      For infants and very young toddlers who can’t communicate, yeah, you do kind of have to trust the teachers. But also it would be a red flag to me if kiddo is consistently crying at drop-off (after an initial settling in period). Every kid gets upset about going to school occasionally but if there are tears every day it might mean a different childcare arrangement would be better for your kid. We had a nanny briefly and now we’re in daycare and it’s like night and day in terms of how drop-offs go. I don’t think our nanny was objectively ‘bad’ or doing anything wrong, my kid is just much happier in the daycare environment with other kids and lots of new toys, plus in daycare she gets to go somewhere special as opposed to being left at home while we go away so there’s less FOMO. I know some kids are the opposite and do better with individual attention. There was an infant in my daughter’s infant-toddler room at daycare who cried pretty much non-stop for the whole time (six months) the kids shared the room. I felt bad for the baby and her parents. But I don’t think the teachers described the situation to her parents as “fine” so if the teachers aren’t bothered you probably shouldn’t stress about it.

      • FVNC says

        I think this, along with dropping by at random times like the poster below mentions, may be best way to evaluate daycares for very young or pre-verbal kids. As infants/young toddlers, both my kids would reach for their teachers and smile at them at drop-off. As older toddlers and pre-school aged, they ran/run to their classrooms and often forgot to say “goodbye” to us. Pickup is another metric — at the end of the day, are they desperate to leave or do they want to do “just one more thing”? We’ve had experience with six daycares in four states and only one has given us a bad vibe, in part because of the uncharacteristic reluctance at drop-off and previously unheard complaints of “I don’t wanna go to school” (when my son was then two years old). We switched after about 3 weeks there.

        • Pogo says

          Good point about babies and young toddlers reaching for teacher or clinging to their legs when they see them. My son always did that for his caregiver, probably more so than for me!

        • Katala says

          This is so hard right now where we are not allowed inside the building. They bring the kid to meet us outside the front door for pickup so it’s tough to tell how he reacted when being taken out of class. No chance to drop by or peek through the hallway windows. I guess I could try to creep around the building to an outdoor window? I am not even sure which window is kiddo’s room! He has started saying he doesn’t want to go to school, which he didn’t at his last daycare. But the new daycare situation also happened after a move and his brother starting remote K. So a lot of change and probably jealousy that brother was home with both parents. He seems fine in most pictures and seems happy at the end of the day, but it’s just so hard to tell if he’s really not liking the daycare or it’s other stuff.

          • FVNC says

            That IS hard, I’m sorry! Could you take a peek when the kids are on the playground? That would give you insight into whether he’s playing with other kids and seems happy when outside. The older sibling staying home could definitely play a part — our pre-schooler very much wants to stay home when he knows his big sis doesn’t have school. Trust your gut on this, though…if things feel “off” it’s okay to explore other options. FWIW, the one bad experience for us happened very soon after a move but it wasn’t just that. While on paper the school was great, it just never felt like “home” in a way the other schools our kids have attended before and after that one.

          • Katala says

            Good idea to look at the playground! I’ll try that. I too have the “not home” feeling, but am having a hard time figuring out how much of that is due to not having met the teachers in person. We’d really like to stick with this place for a few reasons, one of which is Covid procedures which could be less of an issue soon. We’ll have the new baby at the same place by year-end so trying to factor that in too. Ugh!

          • Anon says

            Yeah I second the playground idea. Go early if you that’s when they’re outside. I picked my kid up early last week because the grandparents were visiting and wanted to play with her and they were outside when I got to the school each day. It was such a wonderful change to actually see her playing with friends and interacting with teachers. We’re permitted to go to the classroom door for dropoff and pickup, but can’t go inside and aren’t allowed to linger so I never observe her interactions with anyone at school until last week and it made me almost kind of teary to see her having so much fun playing with kids her age.

    • anon says

      I was getting bad vibes from our daycare. I started dropping by at odd times, even just to look through the window without my kid seeing me. I ended up validating my concerns, filed several complaints with the director, state and county, and left the daycare shortly after.

        • anon says

          Changes in management, general disorganization, ratio issues at drop off, infant being put to sleep on her stomach, infant not being fed her bottles or being put down for naps, infants being left to scream for more than an hour without attention, lack of communication or record keeping regarding infant feeding/diapers/naps, attitude of toddler teacher toward discipline for my older daughter,

          Eventually I saw in physical aggression towards a 3 yo by a teacher and we left. Ratios were also consistently off during the day, with up to 12 infants with 1 teacher. We would have left sooner but I was trying to work with new management to improve the situation and infant care is very, very hard to come by in our area.

          • Anonymous says

            Yikes. I’m really glad you filed complaints with your county/state. It seems like this situation was ripe for a child getting injured, or worse

          • anon says

            Surprisingly, most of the other parents were upset when the county inspection found that every single room was out of ratio, as the center was chronically understaffed. The parents were concerned that if the daycare failed the follow up inspection, it would close temporarily and they’d be without childcare. It’s not a simple choice given that parents need care to pay their mortgage and buy food.

          • Anon says

            @anon, it doesn’t surprise me at all that other parents were upset. Not saying you did the wrong thing at all, but there are many people who want affordable care even if it means ignoring licensing rules.

          • Anonymous says

            This daycare was extraordinarily expensive (e.g., >$2800/month for an infant). Not affordable. Still sub-standard. There’s just a care shortage in our area, so pickings are slim.

    • Jeffiner says

      I never worried much about crying at drop-off, but I knew my kid was happy at daycare because she was always happy when I came to pick her up. I would also look in the windows to see how she was doing, both after drop off and before pickup.

    • Pogo says

      Ask for pictures and videos to be reassured that post-dropoff, kiddo settles in. Pickup if they seem happy and don’t want to leave is a good sign. Ask for references from parents who have been sending their kids there for years.

      • OP says

        Thanks. References from other parents (some of whom I know) were amazing for this place, but so far I am just getting weird vibes. Nothing specific, just kiddo standing by himself a lot, not mentioning other kids’ names the way he did at his old place, and general noise and choas all of the time. I probably need to give it a little more time, but hearing things to look for is so helpful.

        • Pogo says

          It’s helpful to see how they respond to being asked for pictures or video if you can do that. Mine always texts me almost immediately after a bad dropoff to show LO settling in, one day she got busy and it was like an hour later and she was like, omg I’m so sorry, he started smiling as soon as he saw his friends, here he is now. It helps because not only do I see he is in fact fine, but that they’re so willing to communicate and that they are giving him a little extra attention to settle in. Mine took a couple months before he was really consistently psyched about school and talking about his buddies.

        • AwayEmily says

          It’s also the case that sometimes a particular place can be objectively great but not a good fit. My daughter went to a daycare from age 18months – 3.5 that got rave reviews from many of my colleagues. We liked the teachers and the staff. But the general vibe of the place just did not mesh with my daughter’s personality. It was too loud for, there was too much unstructured play, and she just was kind of lost and overwhelmed. We switched to a much smaller place and saw a change immediately — she was happier, more outgoing, and more secure. I still have a positive feeling about the old school, and we may even end up sending her there for after-school care once she starts K, but I’m very glad we switched.

          • Anon says

            This. A daycare doesn’t have to be “bad” for it to wrong for your kid.

    • Anonymous says

      For me the biggest red flag at a daycare we eventually left was not safety issues per se, although there were a few minor things that I noticed, but rather the director’s response when I raised concerns. She was incredibly defensive, despite my attempt to raise said concerns in a friendly, low-key way. It was a 180-degree contrast with the patient, attentive response we always got from the daycare director at our prior center (even when I was being a paranoid first-time mom). The director should act like you’re all on the same team.

    • oil in houston says

      is it both pick up and drop off? if so, I wouldn’t worry too much. my daughter used to be the same, it was the most stressful part of my day in fact, she cried in the morning because she wanted to be with me, she cried in the evenings because she wanted to continue playing with her friends … It got better with time.
      If yours was only crying in the mornings, then I may worry, but otherwise it’s just a phase I would think

  8. Anon4this says

    I’m starting the process of finding an RE for secondary infertility. I have names for a few doctors in the area that friends have seen and resulted in successful pregnancies, I’ve checked which ones are in /out of network and determined that injectable fertility meds are not covered by my insurance but might be covered by a pharmacy benefit plan I have. My current thought is to get an appointment with the in-network doctor even though they are less convenient (25 minute drive from home; 40 min from work during non-pandemic times) because the cost difference between in-network and out-of-network is at least $20k under my plan. I’ve spoken to my insurance company and they have confirmed this for the specific providers I’m considering. The out-of-network doctor is 25 minutes from home; 15 minute walk from work. I’m not currently working in the office and don’t expect to return until September but I think I’ll have decent flexibility when I go back (senior associate Biglaw). Will I regret picking the further away doctor? Both places have similar success rates on their websites and in the SART data.

    What else did you wish you knew at this point? I have a couple friends who have been through this, but I’d prefer folks not know I’m trying just yet so I don’t want to ask them. If it helps, I’m 38, partner is 41, we have a 2 year old and have been trying for 6 months.

      • Anonymous says

        Yes, same, and I did a lot of IVF. Lots of appointments, but that’s a huge cost differential.

      • Pogo says

        Same. The monitoring appointments are usually super early so even in Boston where traffic is insane, I’d leave at 5:45a.m. and still be into work before anyone noticed I had my appointment like 6 towns and 3 highways over. I listened to a lot of podcasts and treated myself to Starbucks.

    • AnonIVF says

      What is the drive time during the windows when you’d have monitoring appointments? If the further away option is 25 min from home/40 min from work during non-rush hour times, but 50 min from home/1.5 hours from work during the morning commute (which is likely what you’d hit after morning monitoring if you end up needing IVF), then that might (or might not) change your calculation.

      Things to know:
      1) The first round (of IUI, of IVF) is largely diagnostic. They don’t know how your body will respond to the meds. You might have a great round and success, or you might have a failed round. We ended up with no viable embryos from our first round of IVF. We subsequently had several great rounds, have a daughter, and embryos frozen for future children.
      2) There are a lot of emotional ups and downs.
      3) You may have a ton of physical side effects, but you may have none (the latter was me).
      4) You should make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you’re willing to do (time and money), what happens if it doesn’t work.
      5) Gently, talk to your friends. We were super open about the process and it made it so much easier, I think. And we found out many of our friends had been through it (and said nothing at all until we opened up to them!) and it seemed like it was harder for them to be going through it alone.

      Where are you located?

      • Anon4this says

        I’m in MD, work downtown in DC.

        The rush hour commute from the farther away doctor is about 25-45 min to home (but this is true of the closer doctor as well) and anything from 45-90min to get downtown, depending on precise timing. Generally it should be 45-60min. I figured I’d work from home at least some of the monitoring appointments if I was back in the office at that point.

        I will talk to my friends at some point, I’m just not ready to right now. I guess in part because if we go and find out that I have DOR and its very unlikely I’d ever get pregnant even with IVF (but without donor eggs), we might not even go forward with fertility treatment.

      • Anonymous says

        Everyone is different, and this is really personal, but I wanted to share my story (quickly). I had a diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) diagnosis at 34 that devastated me. In the end, we were able to freeze one embryo and then get pregnant in the first live transfer we did (which took a couple of attempts to get to). So first baby from the live transfer, second baby from that single embryo we had on ice three years later. The idea of using donor eggs broke my heart when I was first going through this, but we want one more child and are going to use donor eggs this time around. I have complicated feelings about it but am overall just thrilled we have the option. So I’m just saying, don’t give up if you don’t really want to. You may find that there are several ways to get where you want to be, even if they don’t look like the route you expected to take. Sending lots of good luck and a hug.

    • Jeffiner says

      What is your partner’s commute to each place like? When we did IUI, there were times when my husband had to be there an hour before me, we’d “pass” each other on the highway coming and going.

      I agree with talking to your friends about it. We gave up over a year ago and have still only told a few people, but those people have opened up about their own experiences and I wish I had had their support earlier.

      • Anon4this says

        Partner’s commute is the same as mine. Are there similar appointment timing issues for IVF as IUI? It looks like my insurance covers 6 rounds of treatment (lifetime coverage limit) of either IUI or IVF or any combination thereof, so I think we’d probably just go straight to IVF.

        • Been there says

          As someone who did multiple rounds of IUI and IVF, I just want to say that I wish we’d gone straight to IVF. IUI is less invasive, etc., but it’s still emotionally draining and the odds of success are so much lower. (Obviously I’m biased and might have a different opinion if IUI had worked for us.)

          Also – We also went to an ok clinic and then an amazing clinic and had success on our first IVF cycle at the better clinic. It was honestly a night and day difference in terms of the entire experience (not to mention the outcome.) It sounds like both of your options are good quality wise, so it may not matter, but all fertility clinics are definitely not the same.

        • Anon says

          i am impatient. our plan was one IUI and if that didn’t work, go straight to IVF. we got lucky and our IUI worked on the first try, but i don’t really understand why people do like 6 rounds of IUI. yes it is less expensive than IVF, but if you do it 6 times…

        • Pogo says

          My insurance was similar. We went straight to IVF because the issue was on my end vs partner and she felt that IUI was no different for us than clomid, which didn’t work. So glad I did.

        • Anon Lawyer says

          Honestly, you’re going to have sooooooo many more appointments than your partner, I wouldn’t be that worried about his commute.

          I would check how appointments are handled before making a decision. My first clinic did what most clinics (I think) do and did morning monitoring – everyone came in between like 7-8:30 for routine stuff. My second clinic (which I loved and had success at) scheduled every appointment individually with your particular doctor instead of the “morning monitoring” doctor for the day. That meant leaving work in the middle of the day instead of starting early. It was worth it for me but definitely more time consuming and difficult.

    • Anon says

      Less than a half hour from home should be fine for the issue I’m about to raise. For our IUIs at the local satellite clinic, they did not have a room for DH to produce his portion of the procedure and the sample had to be at the clinic within 20 minutes of being produced . . . and we lived a half hour away. They finally said ehhhh a half hour is fine too but we had seriously considered him using my locked office in a law firm ( no windows) that was 15 minutes from the clinic. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, if you ever catch someone’s significant other getting down with himself in a weird place … there could be a reasonable explanation LOL

      • Jeffiner says

        OMG, I just remembered a coworker who was trying IUI. They lived too far from the clinic for him to produce at home, and he had performance anxiety about doing it in the clinic. He actually drove around in his car looking for a private alley. The cops interrupted him, the clinic never got their sample that cycle, and she was furious.

        • Anon says

          Your poor coworker and her poor husband. I hope the cops were lenient once they learned what was going on.

      • Anon4this says

        This is kind of nuts to me. There is no clinic that is within 20 minutes of my house. Some are close to 20 min, as long as there is no traffic, but once you factor in traffic its impossible.

        • Anon says

          I know. They said they only had one bathroom and couldn’t have it tied up for that and had no other spare rooms. I guess they previously had been a monitoring site only and had just expanded to offering IUI. IVF was still an hour+ away. I guess if you had no other choice you could use the hour+ place for your IUI too as they did have a room. I suspect a lot of dudes just did it in the parking lot. I was careful not to look into any cars walking in after I learned about the lack of room.

    • Anon says

      I chose the further away clinic and it was a pain during the parts of the process that required daily or near daily visits, not going to lie – but I was always able to schedule the 7 a.m. or 7:30 a.m. slots, so no one at work knew. I chose the further away clinic for both cost and reputation reasons, and don’t regret at all the additional time in the car.

      I was 41 when I started the process and almost 43 when DD was born, and given my age I’m so glad we could go straight to IVF – I had 35 eggs retrieved, but only 1 was healthy enough to make it all the way to the end of fertilization / testing before they implanted, so I would almost certainly have had multiple unsuccessful rounds of IUI if I’d had to do that before beginning IVF.

  9. Anonymous says

    FTM and wondering now that summer is approaching how you handle special events (weddings specifically), family gatherings, things you cannot negotiate the time for, and kid bedtime. My daughter is 6 months and we haven’t gotten out much or gotten any sitters. If it’s something important and you want them to come, do you just see how long they last? Curious how this works now and as they get older.

    • Anonymous says

      Weddings we get a sitter or in laws to watch the child. Or see how long they last depending on your child. I wouldn’t feel guilty about 1 parent leaving early because of the baby (while blood relative stays later). We did bring a 3month old to a wedding and she slept through the reception, I think we left right after they cut the cake. DH went to a wedding alone because bringing our 1 year old was just going to be too much.

      Family events I just see how long they last and then leave! I’m also a fierce baby wearer so I can pop a baby in a carrier and they’ll sleep. My pro tip is to bring jammies to any late afternoon/evening event and change them into jammies before you leave.

      • Spirograph says

        This, baby-wearing for the win.
        Also, what kind of family gatherings? If it’s at someone’s house, and you want to stay past bedtime, I would ask the host if there’s a quiet room you could set up a pack and play and just put the baby down when she gets too tired. One parent might end up sitting in there a lot if she won’t settle, but sometimes I welcomed a reason to excuse myself, anyway! I let my baby sleep in a bucket car seat under the table at one get-together when he fell asleep on the way over (naptime), but you’re not really supposed to do that.

        Personally, I always got a sitter for local weddings. At the one beach destination wedding we took all 3 kids to, I left at bedtime, then MIL swapped with me once they were asleep and I went back to the party.

    • Anon says

      It depends on your priorities and how your kid handles being up late. Generally infants do better being up late than toddlers, especially toddlers who’ve already given up naps. We’ve only attended one wedding with our daughter and I don’t recall us being concerned about her bedtime but at that point she was an infant and her bedtime was pretty late (9 pm, maybe even 10 pm – her longest stretch of sleep was only about 9 hours at that point and we wanted it aligned with our night so we could get a full night of uninterrupted sleep). We did leave the reception on the early side, but that was more because it was incredibly loud and we were worried about her hearing. We should have brought ear protection, but that’s a separate post. I can’t think of any other “family gathering” where we wouldn’t just bail in time for bedtime – a wedding seems like the only thing where you are sort of obligated to stay until a certain time. That said, we’re not sticklers about her bed time and will let it slide if there’s something we want to do later. We’re actually hanging out with people this weekend (first in person socializing since the pandemic, woo!) and even though her usually weekend bedtime is now 7 pm (she’s 3 and no longer naps consistently) I expect we won’t leave their house until 8 and probably not get her to bed until 8:30 or so. We also miss bedtimes when we’re traveling and she generally handles it fine. We’ve done red-eye flights to Europe and from Hawaii where she didn’t sleep and even though she was collapsing from exhaustion by the end she wasn’t crying or unhappy. I know not every kid is like that, we got lucky with how well she deals with exhaustion.

    • Anon says

      I get a sitter for anything in the evening that kids aren’t explicitly invited to once they’re that age and older – it’s much easier to take a 4 month old to a wedding than a 1 year old. Why do you want them to come? They won’t remember it and bigger gatherings aren’t the time they’re making special connections with relatives. I’m also in Texas and weddings here tend to start late so any kids other than infants really don’t attend.

      If it’s something like a grandparent family dinner, we bring them and maybe leave early for bedtime but usually that’ll get scheduled at a time that’s good for the kids to come. But if it’s something that’s scheduled later, I see that as a signal that kids should be left with a sitter. It’s good to have one or two people you trust and you might as well start building that network now. Our regular sitter is vaccinated as are we, so we’ve just started using her again!

    • Anon says

      Some families/babies are very scheduled, some are more go with the flow. My sister is the former and she will leave early, come late or decline the invitation to work around naps and bedtime. I am the latter, and deal with the disrupted schedule and the potential fall-out the next day if it’s a gathering of people I enjoy. Figure out your priority (keeping schedule or visiting with friends and family) and make your choice as each invitation comes up.

      We also are largely homebodies, and only attend these types of events once every month or two; I wouldn’t disrupt my schedule every weekend.

      • Anon says

        Even once a month is a lot to me! We only got invites for weddings or other late night events maybe once or twice a year. Everyone we socialized with regularly in before times has similar age kids, so this issue really only came up with respect to family weddings and fortunately they weren’t a frequent occurrence. But yes, I agree it’s all about figuring out your priorities.

        • Anon says

          I’m including things like holiday gatherings, graduation parties, day trips to see grandparents, etc. I agree a wedding or party once a month would be a lot! My sister is such that she will only come for casual family gatherings and holidays between kids’ naps and leave again for bedtime.

      • AwayEmily says

        This is a great way of thinking about it. The baby will be fine either way — it’s really more about your own priorities. I was more like your sister; I was SUPER intense about keeping my kid on a schedule. But realistically this was much more about my own preferences (and tbh sometimes anxiety) than what was necessarily “best” for the baby.

        • Anonymous says

          Thank you for admitting that it’s about the parents’ preferences and priorities! It’s perfectly legitimate to do things your way just because it meets your needs as a parent, and it’s silly to try to blame it on the baby’s needs.

          I have several relatives who are very rigid about schedules and extremely judgmental towards those of us who take a go-with-the-flow approach. If you want to adhere to a strict schedule because it works for you, that’s absolutely fine. It may even be “best” for certain babies. But a strict schedule with a 6:00 bedtime is not The One Right Way To Do Things. For night owl children and for parents who get stressed out by rigid rules and deadlines, it’s absolutely wrong. At least in my own family, I think a lot of the insistence on schedules and early bedtimes is driven by anxiety, and the judgment of parents who do things differently is a way for the schedule-driven parents to feel better about themselves. Sometimes I feel like I should wear a t-shirt printed with “Good for her, not for me” to every family gathering.

    • OP says

      Just the jammies and hearing protection tips are so helpful! We have an out of town family wedding soon and there isn’t anyone on my husbands side of the family able to watch her so she’s definitely coming to rehearsal dinner, ceremony/reception, etc. but I was also just thinking about how we used to visit family at the lake and things during the summer and curious how I’d manage that, I guess we’d just stay the night or leave to get home for 6:45pm bath!

      • Anon says

        or depending on your kid, you get kid ready for bed at the lake, kid falls asleep in car and you transfer kid to crib when you get home. apparently my parents did this all the time with me and my sister as children. i have twins, which i think has made me a bit less go with the flow, because if baby freaks out it is not like one parent can still enjoy themselves, instead it is both parents potentially dealing with screaming unhappy children

        • Anon says

          This is a know-your-kid thing, because some kids can’t be transferred without waking and a very late nap will keep them up all night. I have a kid like this.

      • Anonymous says

        If you are talking about a day trip to a family member’s lake house, I’d do the bath there and let her sleep on the drive home.

        I’d reconsider taking her to the wedding if you are tied to a strict schedule. It will be absolutely miserable. Instead of giving you credit for making an enormous effort to be there, people will either not notice or will be miffed that the baby let out a tiny peep during the ceremony or that you spent the whole reception in the ladies’ lounge feeding the baby or that you left early to put the baby to bed. If this is your family member, leave the baby at the hotel with your husband and attend the wedding and reception by yourself. If it’s your husband’s family member, send him on the trip alone. That said, if you are one of those very laid-back people who is comfortable strapping the baby in a carrier, nursing in public, and keeping the baby up late, and the couple and their family won’t be offended by the baby’s presence, go and enjoy!

        • Anon says

          My view might be colored by the fact that because of the pandemic the only time my 3 year old has met most of my husband’s extended family was at his cousin’s wedding when she was 4 months old, but I’m so glad we brought her. I missed most of the ceremony and some of the reception to attend to baby’s needs or keep her from disrupting things, but she still had the opportunity to meet and be loved on by so many members of his extended family and I know it was really special for my husband and those family members for them to get to hold her and kiss her. I guess it depends on your family, but the bride was completely happy to have the baby there and the photos and memories for the adults are priceless, especially given the times we live in and the uncertainty about when large group gatherings will be possible again. Many of these people aren’t relatives we’re close enough with to visit one-on-one and our families are cautious about Covid, so I don’t know when there will be another 100+ person gathering.

      • Anonymous says

        pack and play for the win… the kiddos in our friend group are relatively spread out… so pre covid for about 8 years any gathering would have a pack and play / guest room nest / bed of older kiddo option set up for the youngest kid(s). If they are still in bucket car seat even just put them in that to go to sleep). Put them down and then enjoy yourself. Assume that it will not be the best sleep. I was obviously in the camp of “happy to deal with baby hangover the next day” in order to go to things i enjoy. I was blessed with a kiddo that can roll with schedule changes, to a certain extent.

        for the wedding itself…. plan to baby wear and if applicable for you practice nursing in public with the baby if you can (for your practice and the LO – it can be distracting if they are less used to it given that presumably you have been mostly at home)

        obviously – if the kid wasn’t on the invitation please check and make sure that kids are welcome. Notwithstanding that I was preggo at my wedding, i was firm that kids were not welcome (i would have probably made an exception for < 2 months if it was relevant). This resulted in my SIL not attending, but it was absolutely the right call given the constraints at the venue. I also found a roster of babysitters for out of town guests (was ultimately only relevant to one family).

    • Anon says

      Lots of responses here, but my DH and I surprised ourselves by being pretty strict about naptimes and bed times, meaning the kids in actual cribs/beds and the full deal. Including declining social events many times to maintain the consistency, or just one of us attending, or else getting a sitter. I’m sure there were a handful of times we stretched, but not many. We had a really good thing going with sleep and we just didn’t want to do anything that messed with that. It seemed like if we started making exceptions for some events, there would always be something, and it was just mentally easier to apply the same thought process across the board. Frankly, we ourselves often needed the excuse at times to bow out because dealing with a baby or young toddler in a social setting can be exhausting and isn’t always super fun. Our older babies/early toddlers were also the type where no one would want to be around them if they were up and out hours after their bedtimes, it would be unpleasant for everyone (they were also not the type that would sleep in their stroller past just a few months). I only say all this to say – it is okay if you decide to make these a priority. (It is also okay if you don’t!).

      • Anonymous says

        This was us with our older child, also somewhat to my surprise. That child was a disaster without appropriate naps and missing naps on the weekend for social events could wreck literally an entire week. And then we had another child who has been basically totally unaffected by missing naps since age 12 months, so our lives are way more flexible this time around. Really this boils down to: all of this advice depends on your child, your family priorities, and your comfort level with babysitters in the covid era.

        • anon says

          Our oldest was exactly like yours. When we skipped naps, we paid dearly for a very long time. We caught a lot of flack from family members who just didn’t get it.

          • anon says

            Yes, I have one kid who likes to sleep but will sleep when and where he can, and otherwise roll with it, and one kid who cannot sleep anywhere but her bed and must be there at 7:30pm or the entire week will be f’ed. There is basically nothing that is worth f’ing her sleep schedule and my judgy in-laws are going to have to keep dealing with it; I can let lots of “well MY kids just sleep in the stroller” comments roll off.

        • Momofthree says

          Completely agree with what everyone else is saying.

          We chose to accommodate our kids sleep schedule because if we didn’t then it was terrible.

          My in-laws often didn’t understand this and would suggest a one time exception. We just told them that the exception may work once but we had to deal with the long term consequences and no sleep so…no.

    • AnonATL says

      My son is about 8.5 months and we’ve gone to a couple small family gatherings so far (cookout at my brother’s, lunch with my parents, all only a few family members present). He does shockingly well when he’s out with new sights, sounds, and people. He will happily stay awake for 4 hours taking it all in. We usually bring the pack n play and set him up in a quiet room if he really needs a nap or he will fall asleep on DH or me. He falls asleep quickly on the drive home. If it’s late, we skip bath and go straight to bed. We aren’t super strict on routines, and I have a super chill baby in general.

  10. Preganon says

    Well, we had a good run but got the dreaded call this morning – someone in my kid’s preschool class has Covid. We’re keeping her home along with her little bro (not required, but seems like the right thing). And awaiting further instructions. We’re all planning to test Sunday.

    I’m 14w pregnant and had my first Pfizer dose scheduled for today, which I now have to skip — ugh! And of course now I’m nervous I’ll get covid. Anyone have advice? Doesn’t seem possible to isolate from the kids.

      • Anon Lawyer says

        Yeah, I was going to say – I thought it was if you were directly exposed, not someone in your household.

      • OP says

        The place administering advised me to talk to my doctor, so I sent them a msg but of course haven’t heard back. I feel like I won’t before the appointment time unfortunately!

        • Anon says

          Call the doctor! This is important and they should be able to get you an answer before tomorrow.

        • Anonymous says

          They are just passing the buck to avoid responsibility for any decision you make. In your shoes, I’d look up the vaccine administration guidelines to make sure I met them, verify that I wouldn’t be breaching quarantine (in my state you wouldn’t), answer the screening questions at the vaccination site truthfully without volunteering extra information, and take the vaccine if I passed the screening. YMMV.

    • Anon says

      Have her wear a mask whenever she’s not eating or alone in her room. Good luck! I know probably a dozen people who had an exposure at daycare and none of them ever got sick so I think the odds are in your favor.

      Are you sure you have to skip the vaccine? Unless/until your kid tests positive (which may not happen) you don’t have any exposure to Covid yourself. I would at the very least call and ask the pharmacy what you should do. At least with some other viruses, getting the vaccine after exposure can help make the disease a lot milder. I got the (at the time brand new) chicken pox vaccine as a child after being exposed (I was high risk due to asthma) and I got like two spots that barely itched. When I got shingles as an adult it was also super mild.

    • OP says

      Thanks for the advice – everybody. Just got my first dose! I totally would have skipped it waiting on my doctor to get back to me!!

  11. arla says

    Anyone have suggestions for a duffle bag that I can buy from Target or Amazon for less than $50? I just need something that would work for 2-3 day trips when I don’t want a suitcase (in the future).

    • AwayEmily says

      Not from Target or Amazon, but the LL Bean small adventure duffel is GREAT for weekend trips.

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