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I really like this snake embossed leather belt from Loeffler Randall. It is called a “ric rac” belt because of the wavy pattern, and I think this is a fun way to add some interest to an otherwise conservative outfit. I also am of the mind that this type of snake print functions as a neutral, since it incorporates blacks, grays, and cream colors. For me, animal prints of all kinds are always in style, but I see them making a big comeback as a trend for the fall. This is definitely a cute and subtle way to do it. This brand of shoes is very pricey (to me), but the cost of the belt in comparison seems reasonable. This belt is $150 at Shopbop. Blythe Ric Rac Belt More affordable options are available from Ann Taylor Factory (XS–XL) and Eloquii (plus sizes). Affiliate This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here.Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Talk to me about how your partner/spouse behaved when you were TTC on months you didn’t succeed. My husband and I have been trying for a couple of months now and each month we are not successful, I am pretty bummed out for about a day. Husband is super apathetic. Doesn’t engage when I want to talk about it, and I really don’t have close child-bearing friends I could talk to about it instead. Plus, I feel like I should be able to freely discuss this with the person who is the other half of the equation. I understand it must be difficult for him to feel as connected to the process as I do, but has anyone else had a similar experience? Was there a way you framed the conversations that seemed to help?
Anonymous says
I guess I was more like your husband, so sharing my perspective in case it helps at all. I wasn’t apathetic, but also I wasn’t worried or really invested in it every month, and I didn’t see much to discuss. I think my husband viewed every month as a much bigger deal than me, but I found talking about it actually made me a lot more stressed since the resolution was always the same- conceiving can take a while and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
anon says
In a similar but different boat – DH and I are currently working out some TTC issues and the thing that I didn’t realize was that he was bummed about it too, it just took him more time to open up and feel comfortable talking about it, even when I directly asked him how he felt about the process. It just took him more time to really figure out what he was feeling and how to articulate it.
Anonymous says
That stinks that he doesn’t want to engage if you want to talk about it. What’s a couple of months? Like 3-4? It never helps to hear it but it can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive, so maybe he’s just more relaxed and realistic about the process. I was a stressed out wreck trying to conceive the first time and it took us 7 months (I was 28). But I’d be explicit in saying that you’re really upset and would like to talk about it even if he doesn’t. And try to remember that your DH can’t be everything to you. This is really important when you’re in pregnancy and new motherhood because they just cannot possibly understand everything you’re going through, even if they are super supportive.
Anonymous says
A couple means 2
Anonymous says
Yes this is so important. If you are very upset and need to process your feelings after two months, go to a therapist who works in fertility issues. It’s such a gift to you and your marriage to be able to process this without him.
Anonymous says
This isn’t about TTC specifically, but I think a lot of men just don’t get connected to the baby until it’s here. I remember fighting with DH and being really worried about his parenting abilities while I was pregnant. Because I considered the baby a child from the moment I got a positive pregnancy test and certainly from the moment I felt the first kicks and would have been completely devastated if I lost the pregnancy, and he was very matter-of-fact about the fact that it was just a fetus, not a baby, and if the worst happened we would move on and try again. He’s an amazing dad, I think it’s just harder for men to be connected right away because the baby isn’t growing inside them.
Anon. says
I’ll echo this. I became a mother when I got pregnant; my husband became a father when he saw the baby. With our first I had a miscarriage scare at about 12 weeks and my husband said to me “I just want you to be okay.” My immediate gut instinct reply was “I just want the baby to be okay.” (And prior to that comment, I would not have said “I’m a mother.” But that made it really sink in.) My husband didn’t really ‘care’ about the pregnancy – he was super weirded out by seeing the baby move and had no interest in feeling my belly while it was happening. He was uninterested in knowing what size vegetable the baby was each week or the various pregnancy milestones. The moment our son was born, a switch flipped and he is an Amazing dad. He started changing diapers in the NICU before I could even get out of bed, he took parental leave and was the primary caregiver for several weeks when I went back to work, he handles everything when I travel frequently for work.
When we were TTC – which was more not proactively preventing as opposed to really Trying – he was completely apathetic. I’ll agree with the posters above that it is probably a great idea to find another outlet to process this fully.
Anon says
This. We’re awaiting another ultrasound (and probably another after that) to figure out if these “chorionic bumps” mean miscarriage or just random weird thing with 50-50 odds. DH is all, eh, if it happens we’ll just try again, important thing is you’re OK, but I’m already emotionally attached to the little blueberry nugget trying to grow inside me. With our first I don’t think he really became invested in the “we’re having a baby” process emotionally until he could feel DD kicking – and then it was suddenly very real.
Knope says
Can you say a little more about what you mean when you say he “doesn’t want to talk about it”? I think it’s pretty normal for men not to be that stressed about TTC – they don’t have the same kind of biological clock in play, and they don’t have the stress that comes with having to figure out when you’re ovulating and when to test and whether your body is working “correctly.” So I wouldn’t be worried if he’s just not that upset when it doesn’t happen, and thus doesn’t feel the need to talk about his own feelings (because he might not have many feelings about it). But part of being a good partner is listening to your partner’s concerns, so he should be open to hearing how you’re feeling and helping you through this. If he’s not, you have some communication issues to work through.
Knope says
Sorry, I just realized that I sort of implied above that only women might have fertility issues, which is certainly not the case! But I think a lot of women stress more about their role in TTC than guys.
Anon says
I agree. It took us almost a year for us to conceive and every month I was analyzing everything and worrying, and my husband was not at all concerned. He is more of an optimist than me, and also, it’s not his body going through all this. That said, of course you need emotional support, and I hope you can find it. I echo the comments above that husbands don’t always get all the things we experience and it helps to have support from other sources as well. Not that you shouldn’t expect support from your husband, but try to broaden it out do you aren’t too frustrated.
Pogo says
I think it is harder for the husband to relate because it’s not their body. I have had so many (>20) months where I got a negative result or things didn’t go as planned, and while DH is supportive, he doesn’t feel the crushing sadness and frustration I do. There’s a level of anxiety around getting your period – obsessively checking when you go to the bathroom, counting days to figure out when important dates will fall (when can I test??), etc. I know my husband is super psyched for the baby – but he doesn’t get emotional the way I do about things not going as planned.
rosie says
This is tough. As others have said, you are the one who is dealing with the physical aspects and reminders of being/not being pregnant. It’s just easier for your husband not to think about it. But there may be other reasons why your husband seems apathetic. I think even if your husband is feeling very impacted or distressed about it, he may want to avoid saddling you with his feelings since you are the one who is going through the physical aspect. He also may not want to allow himself to get his hopes up — different people deal with the prospect of disappointment differently. Or, maybe he just has the “it’ll happen when it happens approach.”
I think you should be able to have a conversation where you talk about how you’re feeling and how he can support you. Do you want him to listen with a sympathetic ear? Indulge in a non-pregnancy-friendly treat with you (sushi, cocktails, etc.)? He doesn’t need to drastically change how he’s feeling in order to support you.
I guess I think that a day where you feel bummed each cycle sounds pretty normal even if you are early in TTC (I say this as someone who had a long TTC journey, and if you do find yourself on such a journey, a fertility/pregnancy-specializing therapist may be helpful). Have you read TCOYF? If not, you may want to pick it up to feel like you have a little more knowledge about the process, but the reality is that this is the first of many things on your parenting journey that you will have very little control over. That can be really hard.
OP says
Thanks for all the comments. I realize that I am stressing more than necessary about trying to get pregnant. My main hope is that when I’m being the irrational one, he says I understand you feel that way and here’s why we shouldn’t be worried yet.
Which is something I should be expressing that I need.
I know deep down he does care and will be a good dad. It’s nice to know that it’s not unusual for the spouse to be a lot less invested at the beginning.
rosie says
One other thought is would it be helpful for you to have a plan in place for what if you’re not pregnant after a year of trying (or 6 months if you’re over 35)? Those are the generally recommended time periods if you have no known underlying issues for discussing possible testing and interventions. Like, as that time period approaches, you could research reproductive endocrinologists in your area and then make an appt for after the one-year mark? That would acknowledge his “no need to worry yet” approach with your stress each month.
OT/speech screening says
My daughter’s preschool sent a notice home that they are having speech and OT screenings this week. It’s optional and you have to pay $20. My daughter is 3.5.
Is there any reason not to do it? She’s actually already had speech last year for a stutter which she grew out of. I don’t really have any concerns now, though I have wondered if she is behind on writing, coloring, drawing stuff. Is this even something OT covers? I’m typically inclined to participate in everything offered but I wanted to make sure there was no downside I’m missing.
Anonymous says
We didn’t have anything like this and I’d have loved it. One kiddo was bright and a girl, so she skated past what is obvious to many OTs/psychologists: she has ASD1 and could have used all early interventions (including OT; she is perpetually invading other people’s personal space and has to learn this by rote because she doesn’t grasp it intuitively).
I don’t think you have anything to lose. If anything, you might get someone who says “you might want to follow up with someone about X because I only screen for Y but this seems to warrant more attention.”
Anonymous says
I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing, what some of the signs that the OT/psychs picked up on, and when your daughter was finally diagnosed. I have an extremely bright girl that is just…not like the other two girls I have. She’s More Everything. So much so I’ve asked her preschool about any concerns and they aren’t concerned, but they are also not trained specialists.
Anonymous says
A big thing was that she didn’t make eye contact. She would also run randomly on the playground, as if to burn off extra energy. She has ADHD, but the ASD1 diagnosis took a little more time. Now that she is older, her social skills are noticeably weak compared to similar aged girls (so she has more friends who are boys in some years and school classes), almost several years behind.
Anon says
I have another question for you, if you are open to answering…would you have wanted a total layperson mom friend to have voiced any concerns to you? We have a close neighbor whose son is the same age as mine; I’ve known him since he was 5 months old and have thought something was a little “different” since then…the eye contact, the social skills (unable to follow simple directions or stay still at all with a group of same-age kids), obsessive counting and kind of a funny way of speaking. We see them at least once a week, and I really think the parents do not suspect anything other than being “smart”…they are also homeschooling, so no teacher input. I have kept my mouth shut and prob will continue to do so because it feels like overstepping a lot (our boys are 4 now), but I’m curious on the opinions of others in this spot.
blueberries says
My kids don’t have any diagnoses and I wouldn’t want input from a total layperson. My kids’ highly skilled pediatrician evaluates them at the appropriate intervals and that’s sufficient for me.
One of the kids had a daycare teacher who would regularly point out where she thought my kid was behind for milestones like walking. It just served to make me anxious even though I knew from the pediatrician that he was within the realm of normal. It was appropriate for her as a teacher to point things out, but I really wouldn’t want that from a friend with zero training.
Anon says
Nope. Do not say anything unless she asks you for your opinion directly. No experience with ASD but my daughter walked very late and the comments about it (even when phrased kindly and made with obviously good intentions) really did not help. If you don’t have an MD or a PhD in something like child development, I do not want to hear your concerns about my child’s development.
Anonymous says
I probably wouldn’t do it, personally. I think daycare/preschool teachers know a ton about typical development, since they see so many children, and if they have no concerns I don’t feel like I need to put my kid through extra screening that probably errs on the side of overly cautious and might lead to unnecessary interventions.
NYCer says
Completely agree. I would definitely skip it unless I (or her teachers or ped) thought there was anything to be concerned about.
Irish Midori says
+1. No real reason NOT to do it, I guess, but I think unless you’re concerned, it’s overly cautious. Your ped and/or the teachers would likely pick up on it if there was a serious delay.
Anonymous says
+1
So Anon says
I would ask more questions: Who is doing the screening? Is this a specialist who would come back and offer services? Does your local CDS (or equivalent agency) offer screenings if they are suggested by the teachers? For both my kids, their teachers were the first to pick up on issues that were outside of normal development (speech for one and ASD1 for the other). We then proceeded with a CDS eval for speech and went through our insurance and specialists for ASD1.
As for OT – yes, handwriting is something that OT works on. My son, ASD1, has horrible handwriting. It looks like a kindergartner wrote it and he is in 3rd, so we are working on his handwriting and strengthening those muscles in OT. We are also working with OT to come up with alternate ways for him to write. He is learning to type because he gets so frustrated at not being able to write the words that he stops even though he is a great “writer” (just not the physical part of it).
Anon says
Doesn’t your pediatrician do this? I’d just have it done at the well check.
SC says
I paid for it, and my kid didn’t cooperate, so all we got back was a slip of paper saying the results were inconclusive and an offer to test again for more money. A friend of mine whose son has always been ahead of his peers in gross motor got a result saying he was behind–she laughed and figured he just didn’t feel like doing whatever they asked him to do. YMMV, of course, but in general, one problem with testing young kids is that compliance rates vary widely.
Annie says
Help! I have a very squirmy baby and the straps on our beloved ikea high chair are not cutting it. Any recs for a high chair that is as easy to wipe down as the ikea one (i.e. no fabric, crevices etc.) but has a very secure harness to keep her safe in place?
Anonymous says
We used the Fisher Price Space Savers but with the fabric cover removed.
AwayEmily says
It’s $$ but the Tripp Trapp really is great.
Mrs. Jones says
+1 totally worth it
ElisaR says
peg perego siesta is easy to clean and keep them contained
anon says
Its been more than 5 years since we bought a high chair but we went with the oxo one. Easy to clean and will last through multiple children or one child thru many stages (it can be used as a regular dining chair). it also had a small footprint for a full size chair.
ElisaR says
this belt featured is super cute but none of my pants have belt loops anymore. Even ones with a tab/zipper don’t have them (wearing the J Crew edie pants today and I feel like they should have them). Any suggestions ladies?
Irish Midori says
I think this belt would work better on a dress (sweater dress?) than pants anyway. The ric rack would be weird on a waistband.
ElisaR says
good point
Redux says
Gap’s Skinny Ankle pants and Loft’s Skinny Ankle pants both have belt loops (probably the other fits and cuts do, too, but these are the ones I have). FWIW I think this belt would look cute on a pants waistband!
Anon says
What’s your favorite iphone case? I need something that can withstand my toddler, but also one that isn’t hideous
Em says
My go-to for several years has been a black Mophie case with a Zagg InvisibleShield screen protector. I’ve had this combo for about 4 years and my phone has never died and I’ve never cracked my screen, despite some horrific drops. In addition to charging, the Mophie provides great protection. The InvisibleShield is designed to crack instead of your screen, and I have gone through over a dozen of them. When they break, Zagg will replace them for just the $5 shipping charge.
lsw says
I have an older iPhone (6, I think) and got an inexpensive but sturdy case I like from Amazon. It’s called Luvvitt and it’s Otterbox-like but not quite so bulky.
S says
I’m really happy with one of the cheap but well-reviewed clear amazon ones.
Anon says
We do the otterbox pursuit or commuter series with a glass screen protector. iPhone was generally indestructible with the pursuit case until toddler dropped it down the power recliner and managed to crush it in the gear mechanism getting out of the chair to get it. Recliner survived, phone did not.
Pogo says
Actually lol’d because our toddler is similarly obsessed with the recliner and we’ve had near-misses like this.
Anonymous says
I have the Otterbox Symmetry on both my iPhones. They’ve both been dropped (my personal one many, many times) and look totally fine. I did add a cheap adhesive screen protector to my personal phone. They have cute patterns and aren’t as bulky as most of the “serious protection” cases.
Anonymous says
Otterbox folio (forget what it’s called but the key is that it’s leather and has a cover. I also put a glass screen protector on it. I’ve had it for 2 years on an iPhone 8 and the screen protector has a couple of cracks but not the actual screen. My toddler plays with it and I am clumsy so it has dropped a few times. All still good!
anon says
Loopy case is the most amazing invention ever. I’ve had one for maybe 5 years now? my toddler throws it everywhere and I don’t worry. I’ve never had a screen protector. The loop keeps it from dropping so there are less chances for it to break. but the bumpers help too.
DLC says
Wondering how do people approach fundraising requests/ efforts from school? My kid is in second grade, and it seems like several times a year, we get a flyer for some kind of fundraising event- either for the school, or for a non-profit (like the Heart Foundation) where my child is expected to raise money. When I was growing up, I remember going door to door to ask for pledges/contributions for fundraisers, but that’s not something I’m really comfortable having my 8 year old do. Generally I’ve been ignoring the flyers, but there are always incentives for the students to raise money (like a class party or a teacher in a dunk tank, or some trinket), so I’m wondering if I should help my child participate and maybe there is something for her to learn from it? How do other people handle this? Also would appreciate other perspectives and ways to reframe this in my head because I feel a little guilty for being a Scrooge and just wanting to opt out.
avocado says
We plan and budget our giving as a family based on our own priorities, and don’t participate much in school or team fundraising. We don’t solicit friends and family for donations or purchases, full stop. I write a check to the school for the PTA’s suggested donation amount every year. With the random junk the sports team sells, I will buy things I was already going to buy somewhere else anyway (coffee, plants for the yard), but I won’t sell stuff to other people and I won’t buy anything I didn’t already need. For school charity campaigns like food drives and the heart association jump-rope-a-thon, if my kid feels passionately about the cause, she donates out of her own allowance and I will match the donation.
My one exception to the “no selling” rule used to be Girl Scout cookies because people actually want those. For a while I was the only Girl Scout parent in my office, and all sorts of people would come to me asking if they could order from my daughter. We sold a lot of cookies for a few years in a row, then I got sick of it and started writing a check to the troop instead.
I think there’s actually something to learn from not giving in to social pressure and the allure of the trinket. We talk as a family about our priorities for giving and about how it’s important to give to causes that really matter, not just the ones with the slickest PR campaigns. Then we let our daughter choose how to handle her own charitable giving. She generally prefers to donate to causes that benefit children and animals, especially those with a hands-on component that makes the impact more concrete. For example, she really enjoyed donating to the food pantry and then volunteering to sort the donations and talking with the staff about what types of items people needed most.
Anon says
Why is your 8 year old expected to raise money for non-profits?
avocado says
This is really standard in elementary school. They give the kids a pledge form and ask them to solicit donations from all of their friends and relations. Kids who hit a certain goal get a prize. We used to get two or three different ones a year from the elementary school. On top of that, there were always a couple of food drives and a “penny war,” where the kids were supposed to put spare change in jars to vote for the spirit day theme.
Anonymous says
I’ve never heard of anything like this!
Anonymous says
This is interesting. I know kids in Scouts and Campfire have to sell things to raise money for causes, but I’ve never heard of it being part of the mainstream school curriculum.
Our school/PTA does quite a few fundraisers for itself, but the parents are just supposed to cough up money, the kids don’t do anything.
Irish Midori says
Yeah, we get a fair number too. I really hate it. I feel like the groups are co-opting educational time to try to prey on kids to do their fundraising. I don’t participate.
DLC says
When I was growing up (in Canada), I remember two fundraisers that were pretty big which we were expected to raise pledges for: the Terry Fox run and Jump Rope for Heart. So I guess it’s not strange to me that my child is also coming home with these pledge sheets. But I do think the culture is very different now – whereas when I was in elementary school, we would go knock on our neighbor’s door and they would give us a dollar or two – now we just don’t live in that kind of community. But when my daughter comes home and says, “I want to collect money to help children with bad hearts.” I’m conflicted as to how to respond.
Anonymous says
Why can’t you knock on doors? A child under a certain age might need a chaperone, but you still fundraise by knocking on doors.
Anonymous says
For the ones affiliated with an outside charity (we’ve only had 1 so far), we allowed my son to use the money is his charity jar, which is part of his allowance. ($1/week for charity). I think we then matched it.
Our school also does not do a lot of fundraisers outside of a couple annual events, but the PTA asks for donations. We make the suggested family annual contribution to the PTA, go to the fall festival and spend a little money, help get one auction item donated for the spring auction (theater tickets from the theater I work for), and call it a day.
Anon says
I’ll hit up family members for fundraising events (mostly our school’s walk-a-thon) because they hit us up for various race fundraising things. We have also gone door to door collecting cans, which I HATED, but most people were willing to donate. It is good for people skills. (There was a lot of house targeting, like going to the neighbors we know.). We do not sell things (except for a few specific events, where you raise to cover your costs).
Anonymous says
I know this is super cliche, but I feel really disconnected from my husband and have for a while. We get along fine (occasional bickering, but nothing out of the ordinary) and he’s an amazing dad and partner in running the household. But we don’t really have anything in common besides the kids. We have a lot of fun on family outings when we can both focus on interacting with the kids, but when we try to go out just the two of us it’s a few minutes of conversation about the kids and work and then…nothing. We have very different jobs and interests and always have, and it feels like we’ve just sort of run out of common ground. We’ve been married over 10 years; two kids under 4. I know people will say this is a hard season of life, although I’m not sure how much the kids are to blame (they’re easy as kids go and my parents are local-ish and able to babysit frequently, so we get much more alone time than most parents of young kids). The only way in which I think the kids are a factor is that they drive home how little I enjoy spending time alone with my husband (because it’s not normal to prefer the company of your 1 year old to your husband, right?)
I feel silly complaining about this when I have so many friends whose husband are lazy loads who aren’t doing their share of parenting or chores, but at the same time, I feel like I’m going to be so lonely when my kids are grown (a long way away, I know) and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I have so little to talk to about. Help!
Anonymous says
What are you doing when you go out together? We found with kids that age we had a background exhaustion. If we went to dinner, we basically sat in silence eating. But if we went out and did things, it was much better. Nothing crazy intense but just going to a ballroom dance lesson or a cheesy paint night or getting a daytime sitter in the afternoon and going to do something together. Even with easy kids it really is a physically taxing stage of life
Anonymous says
Just eating a meal, usually. It goes back to the interests thing, though. I would be up for doing something like ballroom dance or paint night, but my husband has no interest in that stuff. His hobbies are similarly all things I have no interest in or am terrible at (literally all the sports except dance). Really the only activity I can think of that we both enjoy is walking/hiking and we do that plenty with the kids.
Anonymous says
It isn’t at all the same to hike with two kids under 4 as it is to go out on your own! Can you go to the driving range one night? You don’t have to be good at golf, just drinking.
Pogo says
Yes! Driving range and batting cages are excellent stress relief. I mostly laugh at how bad I am.
10:41 Anon says
I’d recommend taking turns picking an activity or something. You might be surprised by some common ground. At minimum, you’ll support each other and that feels good. With DH and I, we have lots of separate interests. But as we learned about each other’s interests, we found at least some of the other’s stuff interesting but we were just clueless. For example, DH didn’t hate cooking (which I love), he just didn’t know enough about it and can get overwhelmed (but that has gotten much better). Same for me and sports.
Anon says
It’s been helpful for me to recognize that I can fill what can start to feel like “holes” in my life/relationship with friends who share the interests that my husband doesn’t. So if you love to paint, you don’t need a husband/partner who paints, you just may need a friend who you can share that particular part of your life with.
Accepting that won’t give you more things in common, obviously, but for me it took a lot of the pressure off of trying to force my marriage to fill all of my needs. That ultimately made it easier to find things that we both enjoy together – even if they aren’t necessarily the first thing we would choose to do independently.
Anonymous says
Thanks, I appreciate all the advice so far. How does the ‘find other people to fill certain needs’ work when the person you have the most non-kid connection with is a man who is single and objectively attractive? I’ve sort of backed off my friendship with the friend I feel the most connected to at the moment because of these factors (to be clear, I trust myself not to do anything objectively inappropriate like talk about s*xual stuff with him, but it felt sort of weird to me for to be connecting with a man this way, especially one I’d be interested in if I wasn’t married). I love my mom friends dearly, but they only want to talk about kid stuff, despite me telling them point-blank numerous times I want to talk about other subjects. Making new girlfriends is really hard, especially since I work mostly with men.
Anonymous says
Sign up for a class about the activity. or a one time workshop. That will help meet other new people with the same interest.
I’m fine with opposite sex friendships, but when DH and I have struggled at times, we both made a point to try and lean towards each other and not towards opposite sex friends who were single. After dealing with the kids, we only have so much emotional energy left over and it was important to make a conscious decision to invest that energy in each other.
Anon says
Yes, I think you need to trust your gut and hold that friendship at arms length for the moment. I think it’s easy to start comparing your spouse to a friend who may *seem* “compatible” – which is obviously unfair since you don’t live with that person and have to deal with grind of the day to day. Spending a lot of time with that person is only going to make your marriage worse. And it isn’t good for your friendship either.
Anon says
I actually don’t feel disconnected from my spouse in general, but even so simply going out to eat a meal together on a date night we still struggle for convo. We also have little kids. It’s just that we already know literally everything going on with the other!
We really try to do something else to avoid that dinner-silence-feeling, but doing like a ballroom dance class sounds too ambitious for us. Even something as simple as choosing a restaurant that maybe has live music at the same time, so you can actively listen to it without talking to each other every second but also without feeling like oh-my-god-we-should-be-talking-to-each-other. We also often bring cards to bars and play simple card games at the bars while cocktailing. We’ve actually done that since pre-kids. Even seeing a movie at a theater together gets you out of the house, gives you something to talk about (the movie) & can provide a connection.
If you are really struggling to come to a common ground for ideas, I agree with another’s suggestion to alternate date nights where one decides. I am friends with a couple that actually do “mystery date nights” where they alternate surprising the other (in that case you’d probably aim to pick something the other wants to do for it to be a pleasant surprise, but if you each aim for that it should work out).
(Of course, this is all assuming there isn’t more under the surface here in which case…therapy).
Anonymous says
Can you work towards finding other common ground? Maybe take a class together that would be new to you both or otherwise common to your interests (food, wine, dancing, painting, etc.)? Or go on a longer trip together? Find a show to binge together?
Anonymous says
DH and I got our spark back by doing some of the activities that we did when we were first dating – film festival, art gallery, book reading, hockey game. Something that gives us something to talk about. We also don’t talk about the kids at all on date night. I also make a point of wearing cute undies for date night as it put me more in a ‘wife’ state of mind vs. a mommy mode.
For at home date nights, we take turns picking a movie that we’ve always wanted to see but never watched. For DH it’s often rock climbing documentaries (which I have found that I weirdly enjoy even though I don’t rock climb) and for me it’s usually black and white classics that I’ve heard of but never seen. We also take turns making fancy cocktails for at home date night movie nights.
Pogo says
Ha, we literally just watched Free Solo together the other night and DH was all “youre going to hate this and fall asleep” and I surprised him by being super into it!
Anon says
I LOVED Free Solo. Not a rock climber. But that was crazy!
ElisaR says
fancy cocktails for home date night is a fun idea!
Anon says
Can you make a list of what you loved about him when you first met? Why did he stand out to you? How did he make you feel? How was he better than other men you dated? What did you enjoy doing together? Remembering all that can help you appreciate your husband more.
Pogo says
1) group dates – meet up with other couples for concerts or other events (Octoberfest!); being with others takes the pressure to come up with something to talk about
2) share funny stories about work that you can’t really tell anyone else – DH and I use each other as our outlet for ridiculous stuff we see/hear about at work.
3) talk about the future – yes, life with toddler is all about survival; so plan about what you’ll do someday when they’re grown up, or you’re able to swing a vacation sans kiddo.
4) let loose – one of our go-to at home date nights is split a bottle of nice wine in the hot tub under the stars. Because we’re not within reach of our phones it forces us to actually talk (lol) and a little alcohol loosens us up to be silly/flirty/think of fun things to discuss that totally sober, pajama-wearing, couch-dwelling me would never think of.
Anonymous says
DH and I also like group dates because we find it reminds us of why we picked each other. Even with our close friends, we often come home and say that we’re so glad we are together because I can’t imagine wanting to vacation in xyz place that our friends are excited about or whatever.
Anon says
I hate when people suggest therapy for everything but it sounds like this is deeper than just needing date nights. You say you don’t have shared interests but also that you don’t even enjoy his company. DH and I have varied interests but I enjoy spending time with him and we compromise on dates to meet each other’s interests and even if I don’t love the date, I enjoy being with him. Therapy can be really good for this, especially before it gets too bad and you’re actively resenting him.
Anonymous says
+1 sadly this sounds like you’ve ventured into the cliche “we’re roomates instead of husband/wife” territory that often leads to divorce. I’d try therapy and then my advice is do activities together even if the other person isn’t interested! Your DH should go to paint night even if he has zero interest. And go to a sports game with him! Both of these things give you stuff to talk about. Who knows you might see something crazy and laugh about it. I also second the person who said hiking without kids is sooo different than hiking with them. Our chatterbox 2.5 year old dominates any family walks. When it’s just DH and I we can actually talk
Anon says
This isn’t the healthiest suggestion but we reconnect by getting drunk together. Can be done at home or out if you have a safe way home.
Anonymous says
I know what u mean – sometimes just 1-2 drinks loosens things up enough for DH and I to get the conversation ball rolling.
dc anon says
When we go out to eat, I like to sit at the bar, esp if its an open kitchen. It takes the pressure off of face-to-face interaction and needing to talk and its nice to be closer to each other. Restaurant kitchens are a fascinating eco system.
CPA Lady says
My husband and I are polar opposites in terms of hobbies and personality. It used to really bother me (especially in the current cultural context where your romantic partner is supposed to be all things and all people to you), but in recent years I’ve come to accept it and understand why I’m still here 15 years later. What makes it work are a handful of un-glamorous but pretty major things — we have similar values, similar risk tolerance, similar living habits, and a similar sense of humor. I know “similar values” and “similar living habits” both sound boring but they actually make for a nice, fairly low conflict, easy life.
I get my hobby and socialization needs met by (female) friends. [OP, if you’re feeling shaky in your marriage, 100% do NOT start meeting up with your hot single male friend to do hobbies.]
DH is a very serious, hard working, quiet, grounded person. I’m a lot more fun, sociable, and like going out and trying new things. I imagine our relationship as I’m a balloon, and he’s the person holding the string. There have been times when I have really wished I could be married to someone like me, but in reality I think that would probably be a total disaster of two balloons floating off into never never land. There is a reason we pick the person we marry. What is your reason, OP?
Coach Laura says
I saw the advice to do new things together that have an element of adrenaline to them. Things that neither of you have done before alone or together, so neither of you are experts. It would be hard for me if he was more athletic but something that is new to you both – either he can help you or you can both learn. For example, if you both like to hike, find a hike that is more technical, has a rope bridge or where you use snowshoes. Or try paintball. Indoor rock climbing if you’re afraid like I am to do it outdoors. Standup paddleboard, visiting a local monument and climb to the top. Going to the fair and riding a roller-coaster. I know he’s into sports and you’re not but how about you pick the activity one month, he does the next. Then plan a good meal afterwards.
Another thing would be to plan trips away from home regularly, driving distance is good. Two nights, a good view and new places to explore together.
Pretending that you’re dating, maybe even telling him “Let’s go on a date!” might work too. Recreate some of your early dates that you enjoyed whether that’s dinner and a movie, a rock/symphony/country music concert or hearing a speaker. Art walks, wine tasting, cooking class.
I too agree that if you don’t do something to remain interested in each other, bad things will happen.
Anon says
Wow, lots of great suggestions here. I am in a similar sort of place and will be taking these. I’m going to add one more that seems to be helping me in recent weeks: prioritize and get more sleep. Sleep is soooo important to my mental health and when I am chronically tired everything feels more shaky and doom-and-gloom.
Anon says
Anyone have a willow pump? I bought one because I have a lot of travel coming up and I can’t seem to get the hang of it. Looking for any tips or tricks. I get less milk with it (which I expected based on past use of freemie cups) but overall it’s just a total pain in the butt. It won’t get out of stimulation mode or it won’t turn on because it says I’ve assembled it improperly or it pumps air into the bag.
Marshmallow says
Oh gosh, following! I have a secondhand 1.0, which I’ve been using on and off for a couple of weeks. I am definitely still on the learning curve. I have figured out that the culprit for the improper-assembly alert is often that the flex tube came un-clicked from the flange while I was attaching the milk bag, so checking the connection there usually fixes it. And pumping air into the bag means the pump is not tight enough to your skin.
So I’m able to get out of stimulation and into expression mode within a few minutes, but I just don’t get quite the volume as from my Spectra. The other day I got another 2 oz with my manual pump after pumping with the Willow for like 20 minutes. I have heard your body just starts to get used to the Willow and production gets better over time, but in the meantime the Willow is very much an experiment for me and not my primary pump. It’s kind of a bummer because the concept is amazing. I also admit I’m less invested than if I had spent $500 on my own brand-new pump. Mine was a very generous hand-me-down so I only bought the parts and bags.
anon says
I have a 4.5 month old baby with eczema and gas. I need to sleep train because he’s waking every 45 minutes and i’m just dying, but I don’t know how to make sure he’s not itchy or in pain. It doesn’t seem like gas drops last that long. Has anyone found a good solution for baby eczema?
Anon says
I’d start by slathering him with aquaphor every night and maybe morning, too. If that doesn’t make a difference, it could be food allergies. My niece had terrible eczema as an infant and was diagnosed with an egg allergy – she wasn’t even eating solid food yet, and they found that her dad merely cooking an egg in the morning with her in the room was triggering her eczema. They stopped making eggs and she got much better. I’d see an allergist if it doesn’t improve with topical ointments.
Anonymous says
+1. I had a coworker whose son had terrible eczema (and GI issues) as an infant that were food-allergy related.
Anonymous says
+1 My nephew also had terrible eczema and ended up being diagnosed with a bunch of allergies. Even now, he’ll get flare ups if he’s in a diner at breakfast where there’s lots of eggs around, even if he’s not eating them, or if he’s in a house where dogs have been recently, etc.
Lala says
I had success using Eucerin Baby Ezcema Relief. It is a super thick creme and you can just slather it on. Aquaphor also worked but was harder to rub in. I would only bathe my son in lukewarm water every few days (bath can irritate) and he always wore cotton clothes though I would put him in a fleece sleep sack at night. The doctor also prescribed topical steroids and that did help to get things things under control if the flare up was really bad. I agree that you may want to talk to the doctor about an allergy test once he’s a little older. My son turned out to be allergic to eggs and all nuts. Looking back on it, he was super fussy/hated laying down/had a lot of gas his first six months, and I was eating a ton of peanut butter and eggs because I was so hungry from nursing all the time.
2 Cents says
+1 to this. My son has 1 patch that’s been there for more than a year. The prescription cream from the pediatrician is the only thing that’s really cleared it up
JTM says
My daughter’s eczema calmed down first with hydro cortisone cream to heal the worst spots, and then using Baby Aveeno Eczema relief products – specifically the baby wash and the Nighttime balm. We went from breakouts all over her body to just a few in her problem areas. Also want to echo the comment above about it being allergy related – our ped said that eczema is an allergy coming out through the skin (instead of sneezing or watery eyes); it could be a food or contact allergy, or it could be seasonal type allergies. Also if one/both parents have allergies, your child could be allergic to the same things. I have really bad allergies to dust, grass & pollen which is where we think our daughter’s eczema might be related to.
Anon says
Thank you so so much all. This is super helpful, I’ve got an appointment for him with an allergist on Monday.
What do you do for itchy head? I have to put mittens on because he’s always scratching his head.
Lala says
Mustela Baby Foam Shampoo. You can get it at Target. Some people also use selsun blue but I never tried it. Good luck!
Anon. says
I recommend the Aveeno eczema relief soothing balm. And if you have bad flares, talk to a doctor – they can prescribe both steroid and non-steroid topical creams to help heal those up. We use Aveeno daily, prescription creams as needed.
And yes, think about talking to an allergist – my little one’s eczema cleared up a lot when we eliminated/reduced his allergens from his diet. (I realized later that it started getting better when we started supplementing with formula; it cleared up almost entirely when we weaned.) But also no guarantees – source, life long eczema sufferer with no food allergies.
Anon says
Yes talk to allergist. We had excema and reflux – turns out baby had a dairy and egg allergy (she has since outgrown the egg issue). In the meantime, lots of lotion; time in the bath with cool water and then just add soap at the end (not sitting in bubbles), and avoid fleece, tends to aggravate the skin.
CHL says
Not sure if you’re still on but I’ll be a counterpoint on Aquaphor – everyone praises as the holy grail but my boys and I all react to it (probably the mineral oil).
EB says
Has anyone on here really really struggled to lose weight after a baby despite doing things right? I am 3 months post partum, and even though I have been eating salads for lunch and dinner and healthy breakfasts (which is WAY more healthy than I was before I had the baby) – I have GAINED weight (after an initial loss of a bit of weight just due to not having a baby inside anymore). I don’t want to make this about numbers, but I am several sizes larger than I was before baby. I don’t have any crazy expectations, I would just like to see the scale go down and not up now that I am exercising and eating healthy. Same thing happened after my first kid – I just really didn’t lose any weight until I stopped breastfeeding (but I did eventually get back to where I was). I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today and would love any good thoughts, advice, commiseration, whatever. I realize it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I am bummed out that I am giving it all this effort and it is going backwards.
Anonymous says
It’s a thing that some women hold onto a lot of extra weight while nursing. I forget the science behind it, but it’s been pretty well-studied/proven (one of several reasons I haaate that all the “benefits of breastfeeding” classes/books tout “weight loss for mom”). I would just wait until you stop nursing to worry about it, or if it’s really bothering you, wean earlier than you’d planned.
Anon says
Commiseration! I really had it in my head that I would lose weight quickly doing all the things you describe, and I definitely had it in my head that “9 months in, 9 months out” meant that I would get back to my pre-baby shape by 9 months. Continue to do what you’re doing and it will eventually come off, just take the long view. I didn’t get back to pre-baby shape until my second was 18 – 24 months old and that was with watching food and exercise. Sometimes, our bodies will just do what they’re going to do.
Anonymous says
Three months is nothing! If what’s happening now is similar to what happened last time, that’s a good sign, right? My commiseration, though, it’s tough to feel like your body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to.
Anon says
Agreed! Don’t be so hard on yourself! It’s really hard to lose weight when you are sleep deprived with a three month old. Give yourself months and months more to do this. Pushing hard now will only make you miserable. I know my body felt off for the first year but slowly came around. Good for you for eating well but focus on healthy choices rather than outcomes now.
Anonymous says
So, you know this is how your body works. This is how it worked last time. Stop fighting it! Eat nourishing meals. Not just salad. Feed your baby. Buy clothes that fit. When you stop nursing, lose the weight.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Commiseration. I’m about 25lbs and 2 sizes above where I was pre-baby#1. I’m not eating nearly as well as you and my exercise at the moment is my walk to the train, so I guess that’s to be expected. I’m just about done with bfeeding so we’ll see if anything changes then and I may try to fit more regular exercise in at some point.
Some of the time, I’m fine with this as I realize how amazing my body is to have gone through two successful pregnancies to produce two healthy (and huge!) babies and some of the time I just really want my post-baby pooch to go down and fit into smaller pants.
Anonymous says
I did Weight Watchers. You can’t do it while pregnant but you can do it while breastfeeding – the points you have are adjusted to account for nursing. It really helped me recalibrate on portion sizes, come up with ways to deal with stress other than emotional eating, and pay attention to my food choices. I was eating way less protein then I needed to and was eating less mindfully. Once I fixed that, it got better. I still kept the last ten pounds until after I weaned as I struggled with low supply and I didn’t But it got me back to ‘heavier end of pre-pregnancy range me’ which felt good.
ElisaR says
commiseration EB! i’m 22 months pp and still can’t lose it. I tried ww but it just wasn’t for me. I wish I had some way to exercise but I value sleep too much and can’t seem to get it in at this stage in the game.
Legally Brunette says
Please be kind to yourself, 3 months is so early. I probably held on to about 20 extra pounds for the first several months. I eventually did go back to my pre-pregnancy weight after about a year (once I stopped nursing). I think there are some lucky women who bounce back right away but many of us don’t, so you’re in good company.
To make you feel good in the short term: wear clothes that fit your size now, get a great haircut, do your makeup, go walk outside.
EB says
Thank you, everyone, for the nice words. Reading all your comments made me feel a lot better and was just the boost I needed.
Coach Laura says
I haaate the celebrity thing of filming a movie or wearing a bikini 2 months after the birth and looking fab. But today Meaghan Markle wore her 2017 engagement announcement dress at ~5 months pp and you could definitely tell she had a bit left to lose if you compare side-to-side photos on Instagram – and I’m totally not judging. But she looked great and I’m sure you do too. So if she can step out on the red carpet at 5mo pp with confidence the rest of us don’t need to worry either.
Anonymous says
Probably too late but I am 14 months postpartum and still up like 20lbs (down 30!). I lost some, gained a bit, plateaued for a long time, and have been losing consistently for the last two months. Same pattern with my last kid. I have been told I am extremely hormone sensitive and it seems like I have to wait until everything has completely stabilized before I lose weight. I stopped nursing at 4 months for reference.
LittleBigLaw says
Help me find a new keyboard or some other solution. For a variety of reasons, I’ve made a conscious effort to keep personal and work emails, contacts, etc. separate (two phones, rarely handle personal business through work account, never handle work on personal account). We’ve got a shared family email for all things kiddo-related, which has been great, and I really love being able to avoid distractions (work or personal), when needed, by keeping things separate. Plus, keeping things in separate buckets helps my frazzled brain stay a little more organized.
BUT, our office blocks the mail of G, which makes it so much harder to manage all of the non-work commitments through kiddos’ schools, church, the Junior League, etc. that go through my personal email. I’ve been using my cell phone, but this is cumbersome and frustrating at best, especially as we head into the holidays. It would be so great to be able to have a real keyboard for personal emails during the day! I don’t have an iPad or similar tablet and am wondering if a multi-device Bluetooth keyboard is the best option. I currently use a unifying wireless keyboard for my laptop at work. Any recommendations or other ideas?
Pogo says
Ugh, no suggestion but that’s annoying. Our company blocks a lot of stuff (including women’s underwear sites, which is annoying when I was pregnant and trying to buy new bras every other week) but not the mail of G thank goodness.
In House Lobbyist says
My company blocks all non work email sites. I finally broke down and bought a $360 refurbished MacBook from Groupon to solve this problem.
Temporary 504 Plan? says
My Kindergartner broke her arm this weekend and will be in a sling for 6-8 weeks — it’s her right (dominant) hand, but she’s been eating with her left hand just fine and has been coloring and writing with her right.
School just called to ask if we wanted to put a 504 plan in place for accommodations — I’m not sure it’s worth the paperwork on the school’s part (and my part to some extent) to get something in place for a Kindergartner for the 6-8 weeks she’d need it. Anyone done something like that? What were the accommodations?
I’m emailing her teacher to see what he suggests for accommodations, but I thought I’d crowd source as well.
Thanks in advance!
DLC says
Anecdotally – I broke my right arm in fifth grade and my parents were like,”Well, I guess you’re going to learn to write with your left hand for eight weeks.” So I did. It was messy and hard, but I just kind of accepted that that was what was going to happen.
Maybe if you see your daughter is adapting and figuring it out on her own, then perhaps you can let things play out.
Anonymous says
Wow! Haha! Schools have progressed. I broke my upper arm in first grade and it was “figure it out.” Handwriting was messy but that’s about it.
Irish Midori says
Not in kindergarten, I wouldn’t. Grades at this age are way more important to the school than to you or your kid. Maybe if you were looking at a standardized essay test in high school or something that matters for the future, but at this age? nah.
OP says
Thanks for the feedback — I spoke to her teacher, he doesn’t think the formal request is necessary and we’re just going to see how it goes in the next week or so. He’s having her type now instead of write, since she couldn’t really manage with her left hand.
Glad to hear my gut instinct of “gee, that seems like a lot of work for something temporary, especially when she seems to be managing fine” wasn’t putting me in the wire monkey mother category.
Anon says
I’m just so curious as to why a formal plan needs to be put in place to temporarily help a student with a broken arm? This seems really unnecessary. I’m a former teacher, albeit not for K, but I’d definitely be curious to hear what accommodations would be made that require or are worthy of the paperwork and time suck that the formality would require. It’s 6-8 weeks, not months.
beautiful/pretty says
My 2.5-yo wanted to wear all the plastic jewelry she has this morning so she would “be beautiful.” Is it too sensitive or overstepping to ask her regular caregivers and family she sees often to avoid appearance comments? We try to avoid “you look pretty”/”you look beautiful”-type comments ourselves. I mean, I’m sure she would have found another delay tactic this morning if “beauty” wasn’t on her radar, but the whole need to be beautiful thing was an added layer I would prefer to do without.
How do you handle this?
Anonymous says
I think it’s inevitable. My 20 month old has started insisting on hair bows so she can be “pretty.” We rarely use that word (I wouldn’t say we strictly avoid it but we definitely try to focus on complimenting behavior) and I’ve observed her daycare class a lot and have never seen them comment on her – or any child’s – appearance beyond a very occasional “Hi Nora, you look so cute today!” comment. I think it’s just one of those things that they will pick up no matter what you do. By 2.5 it may be coming from other kids also, and I don’t think you can do anything about that.
Anon says
Gently. I think your overreacting a bit. You can’t completely insulate a kid from the idea of beauty, and it seems like an exercise in futility to try. I also don’t think wanting to wear plastic jewelry to feel beautiful is concerning even at that age – she isn’t saying she needs to go on a diet or get a nose job.
You’re already doing what you need to by not focusing on it at home, which is so important! I would not worry about her comment for a second.
CPA Lady says
We differentiate between being “beautiful” which we both are every moment of every day, and “fancy” which is what you are when you are all dolled up with a bunch of necklaces. I don’t have a problem with the concept of beauty. We talk about the importance of kindness, etc. but I’ve never told anyone not to call her beautiful.
GCA says
+1 to this! We also distinguish between ‘beautiful’ (which it is also possible to be inside and out, by being kind etc) and ‘fancy’ (sometimes Mommy wears eye makeup or a sparkly necklace as a way of looking fancy).
beautiful/pretty says
Yeah we have “party” outfits which sounds kind of like how you use “fancy.” This morning I kind of bumbled something about being already beautiful etc. but this explanation of the differentiation is really helpful.
We have close, involved family members who I have heard say “how beautiful” at something she is wearing, and that’s part of what prompted the question.
Anonymous says
This. Fancy Nancy books are also great for associating dressing up with being ‘fancy’ vs pretty
avocado says
+1 to all of this this and to Fancy Nancy!
Coach Laura says
I told my daughter that she was beautiful almost every day of her childhood. She survived. I also told her daily that she was smart, tough and determined and that I loved her. She was and she is. I told my son the same thing – substituting handsome for beautiful.
RR says
I feel you on this. My MIL never has any compliments for my girls other than telling them they are beautiful/pretty. I bought them these Gap Kids t-shirts that said “More than Beautiful” and had them wear them around her in a passive-aggressive standoff. Really though, I think it’s impossible to avoid. I consider it my job though to talk to them about all the other things they are–kind, smart, funny, helpful, etc.
I really like CPA Lady’s beautiful v. fancy distinction. My girls are old enough now that we can have more substantive conversations, but I wish I’d thought of this when they were younger.
Anon says
This. My MIL also focuses on how beautiful my daughter is. I flat out told her that she needs to include other comments about how strong, smart, independent, capable, etc. she is – to her credit, with a lot of role modeling and leading questioning on my part, her comments are now about 50-50. DH and I try to emphasize things other than how pretty DD is (I don’t know how genetics happened this way, but DD could be a model and neither DH nor I are anywhere near that good looking in an objective sense). Kiddo is 2, so she’s (hopefully) not picking this up from her grandmother, but it’s a battle I’m willing to wage early. DH is working through some pretty warped emotional stuff because his mother values (superficial) beauty and thinness over all else.
beautiful/pretty says
Appreciate all the thoughtful feedback. I think there are some family members that it is not worth the effort to try to change (based on frequency that we see them and other things). This morning it was probably the juxtaposition of having the necklace pile on to be beautiful and then family member (who we are very close to) commenting “how beautiful” as soon as they walk in the door (as a caregiver when daycare is off, did I mention I’m super grateful?) that made me feel so aarrgh.
Anonymous says
I would let this go big time. I can’t fathom blaming her living caregivers for a toddler wanting to play dress up.
Buble says
We handle it with balance. We DO tell our girls they look cute/beautiful, but we also tell them they are brave, strong, smart, friendly, whatever. I think it’s too strict to never comment on appearance — it’s a part of life.
Anon says
Another approach is to talk about the outfit as a style choice – tell me about the jewelry you picked out, how did you put your outfit together, oooo what a neat color combination — getting dressed is like an art project and that’s about how you think, not how you like
Anon says
Generally have your kindergartners trick or treated with friends (along with parents, of course)?
We just started kindergarten this year. We are a little concerned about kid’s social skills there thus far for various reasons, and recognize we may need to step up one-on-one play dates etc. I suggested we find a family from his class to trick or treat all together, but husband insisted at this age it could still just be a family thing. Honestly that does sound more appealing just with it being a work night & I am a little worried we ask a kid to join us that maybe doesn’t like our kid but we have no idea (& that is kind of a high stakes night for that parent to then feel like they need to push their kid to hang out with our kid if so… it’s not like they can lie too much about other plans cause we could run into anyone theoretically). Kid doesn’t yet have an obvious really good friend we would be confident about.
But I’m worried that maybe EVERYONE in Kindergarten goes out with friends of some sort & we will be missing an opportunity everyone else is getting yet another tighter bond with each other? What are your all experiences at this age?
Ugh. I know I am probably over thinking. Thanks! (Please be kind in responses, sensitive subject for me).
Anonymous says
My kids are younger, but I think in K and 1st grade I just trick-or-treated with siblings or neighbor kids. I think 2nd or maybe even 3rd was the first time I did Halloween with a real friend. I wouldn’t worry about it.
And honestly even if your kid does turn out to struggle socially, I’m not sure suggesting inviting a friend – when they may not have one to invite – is the best tactic. I think I was pretty typical socially in elementary school and middle school but was definitely a bit of a loner in high school for various reasons, and the best thing about my high school experience was that my parents were just like “oh you want to hang out with us on Friday night? Cool, lets find a movie we can all enjoy” instead of “you’re 16 and you want to be at home with your parents on a Friday night!? What’s wrong with you?” (Not saying that suggesting a friend come trick-or-treating is telling your kid there’s something wrong with them, but they might hear it that way.)
Anon says
Thank you. I definitely want to be sensitive to what you are describing.
That being said, I do think the big difference is a 16 year old has the tools to manage their outside-of-school social interactions on their own (so agreed, a parent trying to get involved likely has no benefit, just downside), whereas a Kindergartner does not. (i.e. they do not have email, phones, mental ability to think about scheduling etc.) – they are reliant on us as parents to do all that. And since this is all so new I don’t know if it would even be on his radar as something that we even COULD arrange something, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it.
Anonymous says
My 2.5yr old is trick or treating with a friend…so yeh I think kindergarten is fine. I mean the mom and I are friends too so I’m having everyone over before for pizza dinner (I have a good Halloween neighborhood). We had people over last year too. I think I always trick or treated with a cousin or friend!
RR says
My kindergartner went with a friend last year, but just because they live across the street and happened to be leaving at the same time. I would trick or treat with a local family who were family friends, but I would not organize a trick or treat play date. I tend to agree with your husband that it’s a family thing. My 6th grader is lobbying for friend trick or treating this year, which is a whole different concern (re: how do two unsupervised 6th grade boys in masks comport themselves?)
Anonymous says
You’re doing fine! Trick or treating with family is totally normal. Hugs.
SC says
Growing up, I always trick-or-treated with neighbors, but I highly suspect it was partly because my dad worked (he was a minister, and the church always had a “fall festival” alternative to trick-or-treating) and my mom handed out candy. I don’t actually remember my parents ever trick-or-treating with me.
Since having Kiddo, we’ve always trick-or-treated with extended family (in grandparents’ neighborhood, with them, aunts and uncles and cousins). I’m not all that into Halloween, but it seems like a pretty low-stakes evening. My kid also struggles with social interactions, and I’ve found that trick-or-treating is super easy–the kids are excited and happy, there’s an activity, there’s enough candy for everyone, and it’s over within an hour.
anon says
Girl, I feel you. Halloween is fun, but there’s a lot of expectations surrounding it. Unless your kiddo has one specific friend that he wants to invite, it’s fine to keep it as a family thing. Often, when we’ve done that, we end up running into neighbors and other classmates and end up becoming a temporary group anyway. But, there’s less pressure to keep everyone together and happy if someone is just DONE and overstimulated. Also, kindergarteners still need to be with their parents on Halloween … unless you know that other set of parents pretty well already, that sounds socially stressful on all fronts. I don’t know many parents who will gladly “give up” Halloween night so their kid can hang with another kid, at least at that age.
Definitely do more play dates if you think it’ll help (in same boat, here), but I’d keep it separate from Halloween.
Buble says
It’s fine to just go as a family. There will be tons of pics on Facebook of people going in big groups, but try to ignore those. Some people won’t trick or treat at all, some will just go with their family, and some will go in big groups.
And not to be too flip, but: what did you do for trick or treating as a kindergartner? You don’t remember? Exactly. :) It’s fine.
Pogo says
I always trick or treated with neighbors, probably starting around 1st grade. But I had a few pretty close buddies in my neighborhood. I think making extra effort to go to a different friends’ neighborhood so your kiddo can go with a ‘friend’ that you’ve pre-arranged is overkill.
Anonymous says
Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves that skipping this night will set you back somehow. That being said, we’ve trick or treated in big parent/kid groups since probably age 3. People come and go as their stamina and schedules require and everyone expects the kids to be a little squirrely so if your kid is super hyper or shy or melts down or whatever, anything goes on this night.
Anonymous says
Mixed bag over here. My oldest is in K. I have two younger kids. So far, we’ve set out as a family and she’s joined up with a neighborhood pack along the way (and we joined as neighborhood pack parents).
She’s been invited to a Halloween/trick or treat party where there was dinner then a group neighborhood trick or treat.
I’d actually suggest that if your kid’s social skills are where you want to focus, Halloween is a bad time- you get all the excitement, late school night, sugar rush, etc. it will be meltdown city.
My daughter is naturally shy and quiet, but she did 3 years of preschool and through tons and tons of play dates (1:1 and also a couple kids at a time) she’s really made progress. I credit other moms who made the first play date move, and we also got super lucky in that she had a “pack” of kids that were in her class all 3 preschool years so all the parents trusted each other and we did tons of play dates- they’d take my kid after preschool at 1 vs my nanny for the afternoon. I’d take them all to soccer or to the playground on a Saturday morning.
What’s funny is the other 3 moms are really good friends/BFFs and I’m not really friends with them, but they totally have my back and my kids’ backs.
Long/short, skip Halloween and do a weekend play date.
Anonymous says
Recommendations for slippers for my 2.5 year olds? I want ones they can get on and off themselves but that will actually stay on as they wall around the house. Do such things exist?
In the past we’ve just had moccasin style ones, but I don’t think they can get their feet into those without help.
Anonymous says
Look for the type with a knit cuff around the ankle. Old Navy and the Gap often have them close to the holidays.
CCLA says
We got some cheap ones from the river store, I just checked and the brand was estamico toddler slippers (they have a variety of animals and colors) Kiddo can get them on no problem and they stay on (she’s now 3 but we got her first pair of these when she was 2). They seemed to run big. Key is elastic at the ankle, so they are easy on but stay on.
Anonymous says
Thanks!
BabyBoom says
We just ordered another round of kamik kids cozylodge slippers from zappos. We had them last year and the kids loved them. Our youngest was just 2 when we got them last year. They have a velcro strap across the top and she never had a problem getting them on. We also never had problems with them coming off. They have rubber bottom so they are also not slippery on solid floors. And somehow neither kid outgrew them last winter!
PetiteMom says
Hi all!
Do you have a budget for personal purchases/splurges (i.e. hair salon, shopping, makeup, fancy lunch salads). DH and I have combined finances and I have a separate credit card for personal stuff. I’ve been spending a lot lately and I need to come up with a monthly allowance. Do you have a fixed amount, percentage of your salary? Thanks ladies!
Anony says
This really depends. Can you look at a few months of credit card transactions and see how much you spent on these things and use that as a basis?
My husband and I have a combined shopping budget that is mostly determined by how much we have left over after all the other essential buckets are filled. That’s another way to look at it – as one part of a larger budget.
Anon says
We each get the same set amount ($500, which may be low for this crouwd) per month deposited directly into our individual bank accounts (we each maintain our original individual bank accounts), then we use our individual credit cards to pay for things. Everything else goes into the joint account. Out of individual money comes buying lunches, clothes, hair/makeup, shoes, going out individually, etc. Everything else is paid for by joint account money.
Anon says
We do, it’s part of our overall budget. We backed in to the amount, by figuring out the rest of our budget first (mortgage, average utilities and food, savings, etc.). We took what was left over and basically divided it into three – one third for family entertainment/kid’s stuff, one third for him, and one third for me. That covers work lunches, clothing, hair cuts, going out individually, exercise classes, etc.
Anon says
I might be in the minority, but budgets only make sense to me in the context of what you can afford. Is this spending preventing you from hitting a savings goal? If so, I would figure out how much extra you want to be saving and how much you have to cut from your spending to make that happen, and then how much of your spending cuts need to come from this category. It doesn’t make sense to me to give each spouse the same amount of money for personal spending because (generally) women spend a lot more money on their personal upkeep than men do. Personally, husband and I can hit our savings goals without sticking to a strict “budget” for spending, so we don’t have one. I have a vague sense of the total amount that should be on my credit card each month and if we’re consistently above that for a few months I will talk to DH and we figure out how to rein in our spending a bit (or decide to save less).
Anonymous says
I agree that giving each partner the same amount for personal spending may not be fair. I need several different wardrobes, including two completely separate ones for work (business casual for the office, business formal for travel and client interaction), whereas my husband works in a jeans casual office, wears the same clothes during the week and on the weekends, and hasn’t bought a suit since 2003.
Trick or Treat says
At what age did you start taking your kid(s) trick or treating? I seriously have no idea what the norm is!
HSAL says
Last year (just after she turned 3) we did the first “real” trick or treating with my oldest, probably hitting 15 houses, but we still dressed up and took her out in prior years. We hit one house (a neighbor) when she was 1 and two houses (neighbor and friend) when she was 2.
Anon says
In my neighborhood, most kids go once they can walk, although I know quite a few people who have taken non-walking infants in wagons (generally with older siblings). My DD is 19 months and going for the first time this year. I don’t know if she will get anything out of the actual trick-or-treat aspect of it but I know she will enjoy walking around the neighborhood in her costume.
Anon says
I took kiddo around to 3 houses last year at 14 months because we had a costume and she loved to walk (not run) around outside and was not independent enough to venture far from me. This year at a little over 2, we are not going because she currently refuses to wear a costume, doesn’t get the concept of candy (she definitely gets sweets, but not candy), and I think she (and I) will enjoy much more opening the door to see all the kids than being chased by mom in the twilight to keep from getting runover. Next year at 3 we’ll see how she’s doing and reconsider.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My older one is 3.5. First Halloween – 6 months – dressed him up in a costume for daycare’s parade and that was it. Second Halloween – 1.5 – he helped give out candy in his costume but didn’t really get trick or treating so we didn’t knock on any doors. Last year – 2.5 – understood the gist of it and especially liked the candy part so we went trick or treating for the first time. This year – 3.5 – definitely gets it and picked out his own costume.
So I’d say somewhere around 2.5-3 is when they start to understand it more. However I like the baby in costume in a wagon idea!
EB0220 says
When my oldest was 1.5 we just went to 2-3 of our closest neighbor houses so they could see her. It was super cute. Every year after that we just expanded our reach a bit.