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This is a machine washable blazer by Calvin Klein. I would probably wear it as a blazer during the winter and an outer jacket/on its own during the fall, paired with a scarf. I like the grey-and-black herringbone type pattern — it lets me wear a black top with black pants underneath without having to put any more thought into it, or wear a pair of colored pants with it to add some interest. This blazer is $149 at Amazon, is eligible for Prime and free returns, and is available in sizes 2–16. Belted Double Breasted Jacket Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 3.28.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
HSAL says
Ideas for night-weaning, especially with twins? They just turned ten months and the girl is eating once a night, the boy twice, and then they barely nurse at all when we wake up, so I think this is a good time. I want to stop with the girl entirely and go down to once for the boy (no issues with weight gain, she’s a much better solids eater than he is so I’m willing to give him a little more time to catch up). I know the standard suggestion is to send dad in, which we’ll do, but with two of them I’m not sure of the best approach. They’re in the same room but we have a pack and play in the living room we can dump someone in if need be.
rosie says
No experience w/twins, but we followed the method in Sleepeasy Solution. Basically you wake up the baby before they wake up crying to eat (so they don’t associate crying w/getting fed), and you feed less and less each night (minutes or ounces) until you can cut the feed entirely.
anon says
This is essentially what we did with our twins. Spouse went in around 10:30/11 and did a dream feed with each twin, one after the other. They didn’t wake fully for the feed, so they didn’t wake each other. We reduced the amount in the bottles by 0.5 or 1 oz every few days until they were down to 1-2 oz, and then we dropped the feed altogether.
We did this in conjunction with sleep training, so we didn’t go back in if they woke later. You could still send your husband in to soothe, just not feed, for subsequent wakings.
anon says
um, you are super mom! and i know you have a third! i also have twins, they are 11 months and they have been sleeping through the night since 5 months. i would be dying if i was still feeding them in the middle of the night. before they were sleeping through the night, we did a dream feed as well, though it only really worked with one twin. for the other one, we stopped the dream feed and still fed her in the middle of the night until she grew out of it. at this point your kids are probably waking out of habit. even in the middle of the night, i would give your son a bottle rather than continuing to nurse bc that will probably break the habit sooner. good luck!
AwayEmily says
Random thought on white noise machines: there was a thread on here a few weeks ago where a couple people expressed the worry that if they started using one, their kids wouldn’t be able to sleep without it. I meant to comment on that thread but forgot, so here’s my comment now:
I promise that’s not how white noise machines work! Both of my kids have used them since they were babies, and both have slept happily without them (including at daycare). White noise machines aren’t *necessary* for sleep; they’re just an additional helpful sleep cue. Think of them like the song you sing before you put your baby in the crib. It helps to cue her that it’s sleeping time, but if you forget to sing it she’s not going to be up all night.
In sum: white noise machines are one more sleep cue, like a lovey or a song or a special blanket. If you want to add it to your sleep cue arsenal, awesome! if not, then awesome! But I promise that even if you use it your kid will be able to sleep without it.
RR says
I agree. We used them religiously at home when the kids were babies and toddlers, and all three did fine without them at daycare. All three eventually grew out of wanting them around 3-4 and now sleep fine without them.
Knope says
I think you are right for babies, but I gotta say, since I started getting used to hearing the white noise machine on the baby monitor, *I* can no longer sleep without it! I downloaded an app on my phone that plays it :)
AwayEmily says
Ha! I don’t use it at home but I do when I’m traveling. I find it gets me an extra half hour in the morning after the Hotel Noises start.
Anonymous says
Ummm that’s nice it worked that way for you but I don’t understand presenting this as some universal truth. My experience and many of my friends was very different.
Anon says
Yeah, this. Also I think you can’t really compare daycare to home. Sleep at daycare is different and a lot of kids are able to sleep there in conditions they normally couldn’t sleep in, because they have a bunch of peers to imitate and a teacher constantly shushing them to sleep. At home and when we travel, my kid needs a pitch black room to fall asleep. At daycare she can fall asleep in a room with all the lights on – that is just not possible for her when she’s with us, regardless of how tired she is.
AwayEmily says
Totally agree that naps are different from night sleep! I mentioned the daycare thing partly because on the previous thread some people expressed concern that if they used white noise machines at home, their kids wouldn’t be able to sleep in group childcare settings.
Relatedly: the naps being different from night sleep thing was especially annoying for us in the early days when the kid would sleep fine at night but be a DISASTER during naps. I remember reading something in that horrifically long Weissbluth book about how the chemicals that make day sleep happen are different from the ones that make night sleep happen (I’m probably not doing a great job summarizing that), which makes sense given my experience, and it sounds like yours as well.
LadyNFS says
I’m team White Noise Machine all the way – DD is 20 months now, and there are many nights recently where I have forgotten to turn it on and she’s still slept completely fine without it, much to my surprise. (Full Disclosure – we are big travelers and we are firmly in team “mimic sleep at home” so the white noise machine has literally been all over the world. Shrug.) When she was an infant, it was a sleep cue as other commenters have mentioned. When we were out and about, if she fussed in her stroller or car seat and it was time for a nap, I’d use a white noise app on my phone to cue sleep, and it always worked. Now she doesn’t much need it, but as an apartment dweller with a child whose bedroom is off the kitchen, I find that a white noise machine allows DH and I to watch TV or load the dishwasher without disturbing her. I equate it to a sleep comfort rather than a sleep crutch. Could you sleep without a pillow? Sure, if you had to. But maybe you won’t need to.
AwayEmily says
Can you tell us more about the experience of you and many of your friends? Sounds like you guys all had a really tough time with white noise machines!
Anonymous says
Ok? I started using one at home, and my baby stopped napping entirely without it, which was hugely inconvenient, and we couldn’t travel without one. I’m glad it worked for you but this is a bizarre thing to be promising is universal.
Anonymous says
sorry your baby is having trouble sleeping. wirecutter has some recs for white noise apps that are good for travel.
also, perhaps it was unintentional but starting comments with “Ummmmm” can come off as a bit rude.
Anonymous says
So is starting off comments momsplaining how this is obviously never a problem based on your own personal experience
AwayEmily says
I am the OP here and I didn’t take your comment as rude, Anonymous — just sharing your experience, which is super useful and all I meant to do, too! I’m really sorry I came off as momsplaining to you; I just wanted to offer an alternative point of view to people in an earlier thread who seemed worried. I like hearing multiple points of view/stories on this site and am always happy to hear about people’s experiences that are different than mine. Again, I’m very sorry — this board makes me really happy and I feel bad that I made YOU feel bad. I’ll be more careful with my language next time.
Anon says
Fwiw, the AAP recommends against them, not because they’re a sleep crutch, but because most white noise machines are too loud and can damage an infant’s hearing and speech development. You can mitigate a lot of this by placing the machine far away and turning the volume down low, but (anecdotally) most people don’t know about those recommendations.
Pogo says
Thanks – this is what I was curious about (I remembered someone saying they weren’t recommended and I didn’t know why).
Boston Legal Eagle says
This may be a little cynical but I swear, a lot of AAP’s guidelines are designed to ensure that no one in the house sleeps. See e.g. rooming for 1 year… I know they’re looking out for baby’s interests but I wish their recommendations were a little more practical because making sure that mom and dad get enough sleep is extremely important too!
Anon says
I hear you. I will say, our pediatrician was completely supportive of us moving baby to her own room at 6 months. In fact, she basically encouraged it by telling us it would be easier to do it then vs at 1 year when separation anxiety is at more of a peak. But she cautioned against white noise machines for this reason. She didn’t tell us we *couldn’t* use one (and she did mention some of the safety recommendations set out in the article linked below), but she was considerably more negative about them than she was about ignoring the 1 year recommendation.
Anonymous says
PREACH!
anony says
I agree!!! I wonder what the cost-benefit analysis and full risk profile is for some of the things they recommend, which would help us know how important some of these recommendations are compared to the lack of sleep you will end up getting. Sometimes the reasoning isn’t even explained.
Mama Llama says
“The only safe way for a baby to sleep is on a bare slab of concrete.” — The AAP, probably soon
HSAL says
Dying.
lawsuited says
Or “The only safe way for a baby to sleep is on a bare slab on concrete, with both their parents awake and watching them for every millisecond.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha, pretty much.
anon says
Both parents awake and well rested…
Anon says
The AAP has not issued any recommendation against white noise machines. Rather, they outline guidelines for safe use. But read for yourself — the specific recommendations are at the end of this piece here: https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/133/4/677
Mama Llama says
I use white noise for both of my kids because I live in a very old house with really creaky floors. My oldest is 5 and still uses it, but it’s really not a big deal. We take the machine with us when we travel.
Anonymous says
+1 I’m actually really surprised by any anti-noise machine opinions. Every single parent I know agrees they are a godsend.
FVNC says
One tip for traveling that has worked well for us — load a white noise app onto an old smartphone, and travel with that. Our white noise machines are pretty large, so if we’re flying somewhere we usually don’t have room!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – never bought a machine, we’ve just used an old cell phone with the app at home and take that with us when traveling. Worst case, we can use one of our own phones if we forget it.
Although I DO love a good “rain” noise from those machines….
So Anon says
I’m trying not to scream-cry: Soon-to-be-ex (STBX) flaked on picking up the kids this morning and taking them to April break camp. As a result, I was an hour late to work and missed an important meeting. His excuse: “I’m sorry the power went out and my alarms didn’t go off.” I’m furious. This is his true colors, and I know that. He always says that he “wants to do more” but when it comes down to it, something happens and he has some excuse. He is not reliable.
I see that. I don’t know how to navigate his “I want to do more,” but if I attempt to rely on him, he flakes about 30% of the time. By the time he flaked, there was no alternative but for me to take the kids and be late to work. I feel like I can’t continue to rely on him, and I’m at a loss on how to set boundaries with him without acting like his parent (i.e. a big reason we are divorcing). Any and all advice welcome. (And yes, my mom is back in town, so I may ask her to take the kids to camp the next two days.)
Anonymous says
Hugs. Unfortunately he will probably continue to be like this. Make sure you keep a journal of the opportunities you give him and when he doesn’t follow through. An access journal can be helpful if custody becomes an issue down the road.
Figure out what allows him to ‘do more’ in ways that don’t throw you totally off if he fails. If you’re comfortable with leaving the kids at his place then an example might be that you drop them off for three hours on Saturday afternoon so you can grocery shop and run errands in peace. If he somehow flakes, then they just come along with you.
Mama Llama says
I’m sorry, this sounds absolutely awful. I agree with the comment above, especially the second paragraph. Is it possible to confine his “do more” opportunities to the weekend or to time when his flaking won’t totally derail your day? It might be easier on you mentally if you have a backup plan in your head every single time, so if he does flake you can just say, “Yep, I thought this might happen, activate Plan B” rather than experiencing the disappointment of thinking you could rely on him and being let down.
Anonymous says
You can’t rely on him and you know it. Either it’s his time to have kids per the custody plan, or it isn’t and you shouldn’t be allowing or expecting him to help. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s reality.
Anon says
I think sadly you can’t rely on him to be child care. If you want him to spend more time with the kids, it needs to be limited to times when it’s ok if he flakes, which probably means weekends only – missing plans with friends or missing a hair appointment won’t be fun, but is not the same level of crisis as missing work.
anony says
I hope things improve for you. That sounds infuriating. I’m so sorry.
AwayEmily says
I don’t have advice but wanted to say I’m sorry — this is a lot to deal with and it sounds like you are doing an incredible job taking care of your kids. They are lucky to have you.
avocado says
Hugs–this sounds frustrating. Spring break is already terrible when you have to work, and then layering all of this on top is just not fair. I agree with those who suggest setting firm boundaries, setting up low-risk opportunities, and always having a backup plan.
Anonanonanon says
It sounds like you don’t live together, so I would 100% frame your thinking as “I am a single mother now and cannot rely on him or anything related to work-related childcare”. Do what you can this week to scrape by, but never trust him again for work-related childcare. They will always mess it up for you (trust me). Going forward, select childcare for breaks that covers an entire workday. It’s hard to find and expensive, but it will be much less stressful than dealing with him.
Anonanonanon says
Also, no one can make you want to scream-cry like an ex you have to coparent with :)
anon says
also, this is the time to call on your village. if i lived near you and knew you were dealing with this challenging situation, i would happily try to step in where I could to help with carpooling, having a playdate for an hour or two, etc. hang in there!
farrleybear says
I totally agree with keeping track of all the flaking, and trying to confine his responsibilities to times that won’t crush you when he flakes. I know that probably seems like you’ll be doing all the work and he gets to just do fun/light stuff, which is totally unfair to you, but it feels worse when you trust someone to step up and they let you down. This was my situation with my ex, but fortunately he has recently made some strides w/r/t responsibility and reliability. I hope things improve for you.
buffybot says
We’re driving from NYC to DC next weekend with our 15 month old, probably in the middle of the day. Looks to be about a 4ish hour drive. Any good suggestions on where to stop in the middle for maybe lunch, but definitely (weather permitting) a run around? Wilmington, maybe?
Anonymous says
Literally the first rest stop into Delaware on 95. It’s big and nice and you can get Popeyes. Wilmington isn’t nice in the worth a detour sense and it will just delay your trip.
rosie says
Haven’t been to this one, but looks like there’s a Wegman’s in Abingdon MD that may have a kids play area. Good for lunch & would be a nice play option if it’s bad weather. Maybe there’s a park by the river where you could picnic if it’s nice? Looks to be close to 95.
Anonymous says
The service plazas are nice but tend to be a bit crowded (similar to NJ turnpike service plazas). FWIW based on my experience of this route I would expect it to take a fair amount longer than 4 hours with traffic and stops. We’re coming from Brooklyn though, so just getting to NJ often takes an hour.
anon says
If you’d like a sit down lunch, the wilmington riverfront (exit 6 off 95) has a Joe’s Crab Shack with a playground, a mile trail to walk off some energy (along the water with a boardwalk).
avocado says
I just saw something on line that said, “You can’t make everyone happy–you’re not an avocado.” I know that is supposed to make me feel better, but for some reason it doesn’t.
Anon says
But…you ARE an avocado! ;)
avocado says
That is my point. :) I thought it was funny.
GCA says
Which means you can make yourself happy! :)
AwayEmily says
If it makes you feel any better, your comments on here invariably make me happy!
anon says
same!
HSAL says
I dislike Food Avocado but like Internet Avocado if that helps.
eh... says
Some people are just not in the right place to be happy. It’s a them issue, not a you issue. I mean, when my husband is stressed he complains about traffic (seemingly) incessantly. It’s not that traffic is always particularly bad when he’s stressed, it’s that when he’s stressed he’s more bothered by it. If there were not a single other car on the road he would complain about potholes. There is no situation involving a steering wheel that can make him happy those days – through no fault of other drivers, etc.
No avocado please says
Ha! I’m allergic to avocados so they definitely do NOT make me happy. They make me go to the hospital.
anon says
DD has requested a princess-themed birthday party for her upcoming 5th birthday. She’s been generally into princess stuff like she likes to wear dresses, likes pink and purple, watches Sophia the First, but hasn’t seen any Disney movies. She also likes other stuff like soccer, space, and poop jokes, so she’s not super dainty. The princess stuff makes me cringe but I know it is a phase (I also had one when I was a kid), so I want to embrace it and for her to have fun. How do I throw a woke princess party?
Anon says
I would just embrace the princess side for this event and not try to make it “woke.” There will be plenty of other opportunities to separately nurture her interests in soccer and space.
anon says
this. i feel like these days there is so much out there about how it is important to nurture girls’ interests in STEM, sports, and other traditional non-girly things and that princesses and dolls, etc. are “bad.” i totally get that you don’t want everything to be all princessy forever and it likely will not be. my sister loved princesses when she was 4, but by age 6 she refused to wear the color pink. it sounds like you are exposing your daughter to all sorts of stuff and that she has a variety of interests, which is great! but i also think it is ok to just have a princess party. on that note, if you wanted to do something a little less traditional, take a look at the book “princesses wear pants” and maybe you could base the party around that
Anon says
+1. Do the princess party, sign her up for soccer team and take her to space camp. Nothing wrong with princesses as long as they’re not at the exclusion of everything else.
Anon says
Ask her! Maybe something like “what kind of princess party do you want? A soccer princess party? A zoo princess party?”
Redux says
Have you read the Marisol McDonald books? We love them in our house. She is a girl who likes to be different– she is Irish AND Mexican, she likes princesses AND pirates, etc. Marisol McDonald and the Clash Bash is about a birthday party she throws that combines her interests and those of her friends. You and your kid might like it!
anon says
These sound awesome (our family is also bicultural) – will check them out!
Anonymous says
I’d just do a Sophia the First theme with pink/purple. Princess stuff is only problematic if it’s limiting the kid’s options, not problematic if it’s part of a rainbow of opportunities/experiences/influences.
Anonymous says
You don’t that you party is super annoying. Get a person to do face paint if it’s a reasonable crowd, lean into the balloons and streamers, make paper crowns, serve princess bread (white bread, butter, sprinkles. It’s an Australian classic called fairy bread but you can appropriate and rename our tradition for this purpose).
anon. says
Maybe just a rainbow princess or some suggestion that is slightly different and offbeat enough. Kids can do some rainbow crafts and it’s basically a rainbow party but you can call it “rainbow princess.”
Mama Llama says
Embrace the princess theme but make the party as zero-waste/plastic crap as you possibly can? Invite some boys and make it a prince and princess party?
shortperson says
my daughter wanted a frozen party so we hired a professional elsa and anna to come. BUT the company i hired them from has them offer “games” and “manners” lessons. i spoke with the company when i hired them, and then again two days in advance, and let them know that the frozen story, songs etc were welcome but there would be no “girls curtsy” “boys be gallant etc.” they could teach kindness in general but nothing gendered. and our lovely princesses complied and everyone was happy. i dont think it was an especially “woke” party but at least we werent reinforcing stereotypes.
anon says
Thanks, everyone! shortperson captured what I was trying to communicate. I’m all for embracing the princess phase but I don’t want the party to reinforce stereotypes or be especially gendered.
Emily S. says
You can also try Olivia and the Fairy Princesses — maybe it will go over better in your house! I had it on my baby registry, and DD is now almost 4, and we’ve read it one.time. She skips right over it for the other Olivias. Sigh. But, it has great illustrations of a variety of princesses and Olivia’s whine, why does it always have to be a pink fairy princess? (I wonder how accurate the princess descriptions are, but that’s another topic.)
Otherwise, I think, embrace the princess for a day with a healthy dose of non-princess the day after.
GCA says
Haha, my son is almost 4 and loves Olivia and the Fairy Princesses. (I think he enjoys the punchline at the end. I certainly enjoy the grown-up in-jokes.) Maybe OP could have a World Cultures Princesses party with a good dose of things princesses need to know (dancing, diplomacy, archery, table manners).
CC says
We read The Princess in Black books (she’s secretly a monster-fighting ninja). Also The Paper Bag Princess. We talk about real princesses and what they do and it helps, ie, they’re doing crafts with children at a hospital, they’re moms, etc.
Need help says
How do you deal with tantrums in the AM when trying to get ready/out the door for work? I have a 3 yo and a 7 month baby. Most mornings I’m on my own getting them ready. About 50% of the time my 3 yo is a nightmare. She is not a morning person so we try to let her sleep and wake up on her own. She cried, whined and screamed the whole morning today. I try everything – hugging her, special mommy time, ignoring it, asking her what’s wrong, nothing works. Then I have to get the baby up and feed her and the behavior gets worse. I finally get her downstairs this morning and she dumps a whole glass of juice on the floor because she didn’t want that kind of juice and refused to eat breakfast. Then tries to bite me when I won’t let her in the fridge to get a juice box and runs over to scratch her sister. As soon as my mom gets there (who watches her) she is a perfect angel. I have been so upset this whole morning because I just do not know what to do. I’ve read many parenting books and try the whole “I know you are feeling upset because xyz” does not work. If I send her to her room for a time out she just gets up and runs out. And my poor 7 month old gets basically completely ignored while this is happening. please help!!
Anon says
Wait you’re not trying to get her out the door to daycare? Can’t you just let her sleep in and have your mom feed her breakfast when she wakes up? If she’s better behaved for your mom (which is common and normal) that seems like the perfect solution.
Need help says
Sorry that wasn’t clear – she does wake up on her own but is still grumpy. She typically comes into my room or the baby’s room if we are in there. This morning I suggested going back to her room to lay down and she refused. We used to do daycare then recently switched to combo of my mom/nanny because we just couldn’t deal with the stress of getting two out the door. So no she isn’t actually going anywhere but I still typically like her to be dressed and ready when we leave. We don’t wake her up to do that though. One reason I like her to get changed right away is she wears a pull up at night and it’s full when she gets up.
Anon says
I would still have your mom try to do more of the morning routine (assuming she’s willing of course). Could she sleep in a nightgown so you can easily change the pull-up without doing the full getting dressed battle?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I was going to post a similar question re: getting out of the house with a 3 year old and baby! Must be something in the air :) Sorry, that probably doesn’t help but hopefully provides some commiseration. I feel like our mornings are so hectic and take so much time just to get everyone ready and out the door (about 2 hours in between baby wake-up and actually leaving) that there must be a better way. And this is with two of us parents getting them ready.
I’ve posted this here before, but our latest trick has been timers to get our toddler to his next task. This seems to help for the most part.
Look forward to seeing what others do. Maybe we just have to acknowledge that this is a season and it is hectic getting a toddler + baby out the door?
anon says
I feel you–we’re at around 1.5 hours from wake up to out the door for two adults and two 2.5 yo, and even that feels too long!
Do you do Daniel Tiger in your house? We live by “Clothes on, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and off to school” in our house. We do the exact same thing in the exact same order every day. If we get push back at any stage, we ask “What does Daniel Tiger say?” and they will sing that line back to us.
Another thing that helps keep them moving is if they finish the whole routine before we have to leave, they get to play with these awful Elmo phones MIL gave them. This is the ONLY time they are allowed to play with those phones. It’s a strong motivator!!
AwayEmily says
Ha I thought you were going somewhere else with the the Daniel Tiger thing…I have my 3yo watch half a Daniel Tiger in the morning. Those ten minutes are exactly how long it takes to get her dressed, do her hair, get the baby dressed (we do all of this downstairs) and pack up the last of the bags. She looks forward to it, knows there’s a hard limit, and it means that getting dressed happens super quickly.
Anonymous says
We often do sippy cups in the morning because tired kids + open cups = mess.
I’d let her sleep as long as she needs to. Hand her a sippy cup with juice and water when she wakes up. Maybe let her snuggle on the sofa with a blanket and stuffie. Have her breakfast prepped and clothes laid out so it’s not too much work for your mom to feed/dress her.
lsw says
Can your mom come over earlier and help with getting up for a few days or a week? I would try that for one week (if your mom is willing) to hit the re-set button. Sometimes I have found that a complete re-set helps when nothing else does. I feel like my toddler sometimes gets stuck in ruts that he can’t get out of.
rakma says
So this too shall pass, but it’s so hard when you’re in the thick of it.
We had a similar set up, same age split, and that’s a season where we let some standards slip. DD1 would have a drink and a “snack” on the couch (breakfast had to be with Grammy or the world would end, but she woke up hangry) and a little screen time so I could get the baby fed and myself dressed. She also loved to wait for my MIL at the front door, so I’d open the blinds so she could stand at the window.
If that didn’t stave off the tantrum, I mainly ignored it. I’d set her up somewhere safe and let her cry it out, and told her when she was ready she could come find me for a hug. It felt mean, but also, I had nothing left at that point.
And yes, whatever you can leave undone, go for it. I’d often leave her in pj’s, but bring her clothes for the day downstairs to save MIL a trip upstairs. If she’s better for your mom, work with that.
anon says
It sounds like she’s waking up hungry. I’d give her a sippy of milk (and maybe a few Cheerios, too) as soon as she wakes and see if that helps. As in, before you try to get her dressed/downstairs/whatever.
Also, one of the main advantages of having a nanny/caregiver come to you is NOT having to get your littles ready in the morning. I’m sure you are trying to make things easier for your mom, but it sounds like this is ruining your morning time together. I would definitely not worry about getting her dressed or feeding her a full breakfast. Just let her wake slowly on her own schedule.
AwayEmily says
+1 on the waking up hungry. My first never did but at around a year my second started waking up SO MAD all the time and it took me forever to realize that he was just hungry.
Anonymous says
Maybe not a great solution…but what about screen time plus juice when she wakes up? Our DD is really crabby after naps so that’s when she gets to watch her show on the iPad. When she’s sufficiently awake she gets bored and does something else.
lawsuited says
We use Jo Frost’s “naughty step” as a discipline tool the rest of the time so if my toddler does something naughty (like purposefully dump a glass of juice on the floor) I take the time to do the naughty step routine even if I think I don’t have time for it. It actually only takes 5 minutes and reminds my toddler that he doesn’t have a free pass just because we’re trying to get out the door.
I take a sippy cup of milk and a snack into my toddler’s room when I wake him up and drinking/eating that keeps him busy and calm through some of his getting ready routine.
I also get my toddler’s help/input on things as I get him and his sister ready. Eg. “Would you like to wear shirt A or shirt B?” (If he refuses both then mummy counts to 3 and decides for him at which point he usually makes a choice), “What should sister wear today?”, “Could you please help Mummy carry this bag?”, etc. ad nauseum.
Anonymous says
At 4, We do milk in bed the moment he’s allowed to get up (7- must stay in bed till then) and that has helped a lot. He’s really not ready to eat breakfast / refuses to eat breakfast until around 8:30 so he eats at early care, but definite had low blood sugar. We also cope by requiring him to stay in bed so we can start getting ready/getting baby ready before then (he naturally wakes between 6:30 and 7) and by physically waking him through the routine without leaving any free time. So we still help him get dressed and teeth brushed and then we’re ready to go! It helps that my spouse usually can help him while I feed/dress the baby, but I’ve done it myself too. I wake up 6:40, do my hair for 3 min, get the baby up/feed/dress, then get dressed myself at 7ish (or dress preschooler if spouse not available and bring both kids with me to get dressed), then out the door 7:25.
Anon says
Kind of a open-ended question, but I’m curious to hear what you’re trying to do the same as your parents and what you’d like to do differently.
Pogo says
What an interesting topic! Off the top of my head
1) Different: No spanking. I’m surprised that myself and so many of my friends were still spanked in the 80s, but I really think the evidence is there that this is NOT effective.
2) Different: Financial security. My parents did not prioritize their own savings over giving us what they thought was “the best”, but now in retirement they are struggling a bit and I see this eventually falling back to me, their child – which is the opposite of what they intended. That axiom “you can’t get loans for your retirement like you can for college” sticks with me, and we pay ourselves first.
3) Same: Being wacky/fun. My mom was always making up silly songs, and just generally being weird and fun around us. I love that she always made things special for us, and treated us like her pals/partners in crime. We had family inside jokes and sayings, and my husband and I are already starting to have that in our family.
Anonymous says
Love it! I heard recently you parent the same as your parents or you parent the opposite, and I think we’re leaning towards opposite…
1) different: Also no spanking. We’ve also seen the evidence it’s not effective and DH and I both have bad memories of being hit as a child. Plus now that I have a child I can’t imagine hitting a little kid.
2) Different: frugality. My parents like material goods, DH and I enjoy saving (but also try to enjoy life). We’ve made a conscious effort to prioritize less stress and work/life balance even if it means less money. We are minimalists at heart whereas my parents always have the newest gadget.
3) same: prioritizing family and responsibility. My parents did spend a lot of time with us as kids and did put us first, not like to the detriment of themselves or their marriage.
4) Same: encouraging independent play and stressing reading/literacy in our house. My toddler goes through 20 new library books every week
5) Different: we will not be participating in competitive travel teams for our kids. Most weekends of my childhood until age 10 were spent traveling for my brothers very expensive very involved sport. Needless to say he’s not a professional athlete and my parents wasted 10 grand a year just in fees alone (not to mention equipment, gas, meals, etc).
Anonymous says
Your #5 is something I’m trying hard to head off in my own family. One kid is a very gifted athlete, and my husband is giddy with the prospect of him playing sports at the highest level he’s capable of. The problem is, we have jobs and two other kids, and I’ll be d@mned if one kid’s sport takes over everyone’s lives. So far I’ve managed to keep kid in house leagues, but husband brings it up often.
Mama Llama says
I’m doing a lot differently, namely having a healthy, happy, functional family. But there are several things I’m trying to do the same:
– Cultivate independence and self-sufficiency including practical life skills
– Place no value on my kids looks whatsoever
– Spend as much time outdoors as possible
– Take kids’ thoughts and ideas seriously
Boston Legal Eagle says
Great question!
Same: Place a lot of value on education and reading. My parents were very into ensuring that I enjoy and do well in school and they helped me out a lot financially. This let me graduate college debt free and law school with a minimal amount of loans. I hope to help our kids as much as we can financially, and also just encourage education in general. Along those lines, my dad taught me a lot about managing my finances and planning for the future, so I hope to teach my kids that as well.
My parents also indirectly showed me what an equal partnership looks like, and that’s probably one of the biggest benefits they’ve given me in finding my own partner and showing me what a marriage looks like. I didn’t grow up with strict gender stereotypes – both of my parents worked, my dad did most of the cooking, my dad had a more flexible weekday schedule so would drive me to appointments if needed, my mom helped me with college and job advice, etc.
Different: My parents are from a culture (and a lot of this is their own personality too) where expressing emotions, especially negative ones, isn’t particularly encouraged. So, when growing up, I wasn’t really asked how I felt or if something was bothering me, and they focused mostly on my academic success. I’d like to be different as a parent in this respect, even though it definitely doesn’t come as naturally for me as it does for my husband, for instance. This is a big part of why I find the toddler years so difficult, because I’m trying to apply logic to extreme, irrational (but totally age appropriate) emotions, when that’s not really the point. I’d like to be more available for my kids in terms of emotional support.
Anon says
Same – Quite a bit: no spanking, being really loving and supportive, being very present in our kids lives (my parents both worked full time but never missed a school play or sporting event), traveling a lot as a family, hopefully giving our kids a good financial start in life (college fully paid for, etc) without sacrificing our own financial security, not talking about diets or putting any emphasis on weight loss/physical appearance, encourage kids to do their best without setting unrealistic expectations
Different – If my kids are as socially awkward as I was, I’d like to do more to try to help them fit in. I appreciated that my parents didn’t try to “fix me” but I think they, my mom especially, veered too far in the other direction. Whenever anyone didn’t want to be friends with me or include me, my mom’s attitude was just ‘they’re mean, that $ucks but you’re better off without them’ and sometimes it was true but sometimes it really wasn’t, and I think I could have benefited from some more guidance on how to handle various social situations. Also, especially with older kids, I’d like to make more attempts to navigate the politics of kid friendships than my mom did. She’s a great person, but she’s very blunt and no-nonsense and her attitude was that she had no time or energy for engaging in politics or drama with other moms. As a result she was very much an outsider among the tight-knit group of moms in my main activity, and it spilled over and affected me. I don’t blame her – she worked full-time in a demanding career and most of them were SAHMs so I’m sure they wouldn’t have been the most welcoming even if she’d tried to engage, but I think I’d like to make more effort to grease the wheels on my kids’ behalf, even if I’m rolling my eyes inwardly the whole time.
Pogo says
I had a similar experience with friendship politics – my mom definitely had the same attitude as yours and would almost try to make me feel like I was “better than” the kids who were mean to me. I hope I can navigate those issues better (unless my kid is one of the popular kids, who knows!).
CPA Lady says
^ had a really similar experience. I wanted to Take A Stand on an issue when I was 13 and my mom let me do it and as a result we became social pariahs at our church (that I loved) and ended up switching churches. It would have been cool for her to say something like “you can do it but it might blow up in your face.” I mean, it ended up being fine because I made an extremely transformative and important friendship at the new church, but there was no social guidance whatsoever. I don’t think my mom understands politics though, even to this day. So it’s entirely possible that she did not have the capacity to give me this kind of guidance.
rakma says
I think we’re doing most things the same, but the differences are big ones
1) two full time working parents.
2) my kids will never be put on a diet, or told they’re too big for certain clothes, or any of the other well meaning but ultimately damaging things I heard as a kid.
CPA Lady says
Different — things my parents did that I will not be doing:
– screaming as a communication strategy
– spanking
– not allowing negative emotions in me or my sister
– enforcing perfectionism
– going on vacations only to see museums, never to relax
– sweeping all “difficult” conversations under the rug/never talking about s#x, mental health, etc.
Same:
– Supporting my kid’s interests
– Placing a high value on education
– Not placing a lot of emphasis on physical appearance/unrealistic beauty standards
– Educating my kid on finances and investing
– Giving my kid the sense that being a girl does not mean she can’t do math or science
– Encouraging frugality/ignoring keeping up with the Joneses
Anonymous says
I have to say I’m loving this topic! Other people’s answers keep making me think “oh yeh! My parents did that too” (mainly sweeping difficult convos under the rug. Which sort of led me to make very unsafe s*x decisions as soon as I went to college).
FVNC says
This is such an interesting topic!
A lot of my answers stem not from a parenting practice, but from the reality that my husband and I are much better off, financially, than our parents were when we were kids, and that we have close relationships with our parents that they didn’t have with their own parents.
For example, unlike our parents, my husband and I are trying very hard to maintain our relationship independent of our kids, with date nights (dinner with wine + babysitter regularly runs us $200, something that would have been inconceivable to our parents) and grownup-only weekends (only possible with grandparents watching the kids). We also want to spend our free time with our kids, and are able to do so by outsourcing a lot — again, something our parents couldn’t do.
So with those caveats…
Same:
– set high expectations for academic performance (my oldest is in kindergarten, so no idea how this will play out in the future)
-create a loving family environment where kids always know they’re supported
-within reason, let kids pursue their interests
– openly discuss money and teach financial literacy
– travel as much as possible.
Different:
– model a happy marriage for kids (my parents were so stressed about money that it really soured their relationship for a long time; they’re better now, but I think the damage was done)
– foster close relationships with extended family
– as someone mentioned above, being more open about sensitive topics
Spirograph says
My parents did a pretty good job on the parenting front, I think. A less-good job on the marriage front, and that is where I hope to make changes.
Same:
– Expect good academic performance (based on capabilities)
– Create a loving family environment
– Encourage independence and accountability. Offer support, but allow kids to fail and suffer consequences.
– Let kids pursue their interests, while also nudging toward being well rounded (academics, physical activity, and arts)
– Teach financial literacy
– Travel (domestic is fine, trips with/to visit family are fine, just get out of hometown every few months!)
– Value and maintain connections with extended family
Different:
– Model an equal partnership and a happy marriage (my dad was the sole breadwinner, and my mom was the primary housekeeper and default parent. My parents’ marriage did not survive the imbalance)
– Prioritize our relationship independent of the kids (not doing so great at this at the moment)
– Be more open about sensitive topics
SC says
Same–my parents fostered independence. They didn’t helicopter over homework. Everyone in the family had responsibilities, and there were consequences when you didn’t meet them. As I got older, they taught me a lot about budgeting and money management.
Different–less busy, more family time.
Anon says
Different
-teaching/modeling a healthier approach to food/body/exercise. I had parents approaching both extremes of unhealthiness. I try to teach enjoyment of a variety foods, though some foods are only for sometimes.
-spending according to values (frugality was emphasized more than was helpful to me—I made some poor choices in the name of being frugal. I now value frugality to the extent it makes sense).
-keeping a clean and tidy home without too much stuff
-inviting lots of friends/potential friends over (see keeping a clean and tidy home)
Same
-valuing doing what’s right, even when it’s hard
-supporting the child’s interests
-valuing education (though I’d take a wider view of what education is and what it means to be well-educated)
-talking with children lots
-expecting good behavior of children (and getting it)—my parent was awesome at this; I’m still learning
Anon says
My husband and I were raised very differently, so we’re trying to pull the good from both sides:
Same (on my side or on both sides)
– emphasis on reading, love of learning and academic achievement (I test at borderline genius level and my daughter so far seems to be following my footsteps), in the “always try your best” vein (as opposed to be perfect) – my MIL (per her own admission) never read to DH and always emphasized athletic prowess.
– Raised to believe you can achieve anything you set your mind to (combined with teaching perseverance, resilience and grit, if we can figure that out) – DH was not raised this way
– Encourage self-sufficiency and independence (DH says my parents essentially set us free to be raised by the wolves, but it wasn’t quite to that extent – opposite of how DH was raised)
– Importance of supporting extended family (within reason) (same on both sides)
– hopefully pay for college and provide some inter-generational financial security (same on both sides)
– appreciate how fortunate we are to be (and hopefully remain) financially secure (same on my side – my grandparents barely made ends meet and even though we were well off, my parents made sure we acknowledged and appreciated it, vs. DH I think grew up thinking money would grow on trees and his parents would always bail him out)
– appreciation for different people, cultures and walks of life (different from DH, who grew up in a racist and very snobby and classist household – i.e., only day laborers and country bumpkins wear blue jeans, so we must always wear slacks, because who would want to be mistaken for them (he now mostly wears jeans and I watch his parents cringe every time they see them); my MIL trying to brush the tight ringlet curls out of my daughter’s hair and turning it into a frizz ball because, I kid you not, “she’s not black” – I almost fell over)
Different (from my side or both sides)
– DH is a SAHD (but kind of still the same – both our moms stayed home for large parts of our childhood)
– Regular rotation of relatively nutritionally balanced home cooked meals, combined with learning to cook prior to adulthood (I didn’t really see vegetables in college, DH only ate frozen vegetables, and both of us subsisted on a lot of restaurant meals for most of our formative years).
– As the working parent, I’m trying to actually be involved in and see my kids on a regular basis (unlike my dad)
– Provide more support, assistance and guidance (within reason) than my parents did (but less than DH’s parents who were helicopter parents to an only child before that was even a thing)
– Try to know what’s going on in our kid’s lives (notwithstanding her helicoptering, MIL had no idea DH was out drinking regularly in middle school, and I recall my dad telling me we should discuss college applications 4 months after I’d already submitted them)
– No spanking
– Trying to nurture our relationship (both our parents have different sets of issues)
– No well meaning but passive aggressive comments (like my side) about how certain styles are unflattering, being big boned, being on diet and a flat out prohibition on (as my in-laws do) telling people they are fat, should lose weight, etc. on a repeated and regular (and frankly to me) insulting basis, a battle I am already passionately fighting with regard to comments on my toddler’s appearance (as a 98th percentile height and weight kid).
Lana Del Raygun says
Different from my parents: no spanking; no telling children that they’re “overreacting” (I got this a lot and it ironically hurt my ability to regulate my emotions and their expression A LOT)
Different from his parents: uhhh, I am not going to have a mid-life crisis and leave him for his cousin
The same: lots of books, especially reading out loud (this is more from my side); my mother literally never dieted when I was a girl and I think it helped my body image a lot so I want to pay that forward; raising our kids Catholic
Anon says
On the list of things you don’t need to hear on a very rough morning (at 33 weeks pregnant): “are you having twins? You look bigger than last time!!” ?
Anonymous says
Ughhh. I had someone ask me at like 7 months pregnant if the baby was due in a few weeks. And I wasn’t an overly large pregnant lady.
Anon says
Why do people ever think that’s an appropriate thing to say? regardless of whether or not it’s twins, “bigger” is never something anyone wants to hear about their appearance. Ughh.
Anon says
This is exactly what I said in response!
Mama Llama says
Solidarity. I’m short and have gigantic babies, and during both of my pregnancies I was constantly asked if I was having twins. Once I blew up at someone on the street who asked because I seriously could not take it anymore.
AnonNavy says
Clutch response: I’m positive because one died. Which was true in my case and I didn’t generally share but someone told me I was huge and asked if it was twins every. single. day. for months. So I finally blew up and he literally backed away and ran.
Mama Llama says
I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that a-hole learned a lesson.
Playset Recommendations says
Kiddo is old enough for a real playset in the backyard, so I am starting to research them. Any recommendations? In my more rural area, if we want to have it installed, Gorilla is our primary option. Good or bad experiences with them and their playsets? Thanks!!
HSAL says
Friends had a Gorilla playset they got from Costco and had a great experience. They left it when they moved because the house they bought had an even larger Gorilla playset. We used it quite a bit and would get one ourselves but our backyard isn’t quite big enough.
Emily S. says
Love our Gorilla play set! The main reason we went with that brand was the growth potential. I don’t remember our exact model (Chateau, maybe?) It has a nice slide, climbing ladder, rock “wall” and room for 3 swings, and is a bit higher off the ground and a bit bigger than competitors, so it was touted as lasting an extra year or two. DH is moderately handy, and he built it himself with a few hours help from FIL. Second reason we went with it was that it’s cedar and dark green, so it blends well in the backyard (I hope my childless neighbors appreciate that, too.) We ordered ours through NJ play sets.com and had it delivered out of state bc they offered a good price and excellent customer service. My sister bought hers through Costco and splurged on installation, and it’s going strong after 3 years.
K says
I’d recommend seeing if you can get a used one off Craigslist or FB — there are services you can hire to move them for you and the total cost may be far less than buying new, plus it’s more environmentally friendly!
Anon says
Those of you with outdoor water tables, how do you keep them clean? Do you put a cover on them when not in use? Bring them into the garage when not in use (my garage is not the cleanest either though). A friend bought us one and we’re ready to start using it but I’m worried that isn’t going to get grody fast with all the rain and wind we have (Midwest here). And I’m sure my daughter will put all the toys in her mouth and try to drink the water, so I’m more concerned about keeping this clean than I am about keeping our patio furniture clean.
HSAL says
Also Midwest. We just drained it every time it was used and kept the plug open. It never got too gross, but we also tossed it after two summers because I’d rather spend $50 every couple years than store it.
rakma says
We empty it every day, but when it gets full of pollen or other ick, I’ll douse it in vinegar and let the kids scrub it with a cloth and some old toothbrushes. I’ll also run the toys through the dishwasher every so often if I think about it.
Anonymous says
Also in the Midwest. We empty it every time we use it and store it in the garage. If it is the first use or otherwise looking grungy, we might wipe it out with a rag and/or rinse it off with the hose. We haven’t found it hard to keep clean as long as it is drained after each use. I think leaving water in it is what causes problems.
Anonymous says
Yeh I just drain mine every day and it gets used almost every day. I don’t worry too much about my daughter trying the water and/or toys. I mean I try to discourage it but we are a big “dirt is good for kids!” Family.
CCLA says
Drain at end of each day plus get a cover. We have the pirate ship one, and the river store recommended a cover (“customers who bought this also bought that!), which happened to be a cover for a fire pit, but also happened to fit perfectly. Toddler knows that we don’t drink the water, though the toys occasionally go in her mouth still. We’re also a dirt is good in general family, so if it’s just general debris and dirt, we let it be or rinse before using. Come to think of it I’m not sure it’s been cleaned other than rinsed out in the almost year that we’ve had it. My bigger concern where we are is making sure there isn’t standing water for mosquitos.
Anonymous says
I do not keep it clean. We don’t have a garage or a cover for it, and the water table has been outside since last summer. We turn it over and kind of hose it out before filling it, and let it drain after use (mosquitoes are a huge problem, plus we want to control future use) but there’s visible dirt that I don’t care to scrub off. My daughter brings the toys in to (ineffectively) wash in the bathroom sink, just because she thinks that’s fun. My kids drink bath water, but never seemed interested in drinking water table water, fwiw.
anon says
We’ve always emptied ours at the end of play time and it’s been fine. If you keep it outdoors, just store it upside down. Ours is from 2010 and is looking rough and faded, but that dang thing has been one of our most-loved toys. Even my big kid still tries to get in on the action.
Anonymous says
Any advice on flotation devices for my 2 year old? She’s 25lbs so too small for a puddle jumper. We practice touch-supervision (I.e. I am always at arms reach) in ANY water environment because she’s way too comfortable in water, but I’m just looking for something to lighten the load on my arms in the pool. She doesn’t seem to love life jackets.
Anon says
This probably is not the right answer but I had my 2 year old in a puddle jumper last summer even though she was not 25 lbs. I actually didn’t know about weight limit until after we had used it quite a bit and it was working fine. I’m not sure what the weight limit is for but I was always with her in the water.
Spirograph says
This. I like puddle jumpers for when my kid is splashing around in arms reach, and don’t think the weight limits strictly matter in that case.
Another idea: the little kid swim lessons at my YMCA use a foam thing with a strap that i just found on @maz0n labeled “Back float safety swim bubble” that would also meet your needs. It gives the kids extra buoyancy plus full range of arm motion, but does not keep their head above the water the way a puddle jumper would.
shortperson says
i recommend none. she will learn to swim much younger with nothing distorting her movement.
Anonymous says
I don’t disagree with this sentiment. But I also think it depends how much time you spend at the pool. My kiddo is also small. At 3.5 years old, she is 29 pounds and we’ve done no flotation devices except a life jacket in a boat because she is too small for a puddle jumper. If you’re in the pool a lot, it gets annoying to essentially hold your child every second. My kiddo is in swim lessons with no flotation, so I think trips to the pool once or twice a week with a Puddle Jumper this summer won’t ruin her. And I’m looking forward to her finally having some independence, which I’m hoping actually boosts her confidence a little bit.
anon says
This. There is a middle ground between “no jacket ever” and “in parents’ arms all the time.”
It’s a tough call, OP, but I’d probably get one of those Speedo neoprene life vests. They aren’t as bulky. The infant size goes up to 30 lbs., I think.
shortperson says
of course everyone can make their own choices, but i avoided the constant in arms by sticking close to the stairs. and having a lot of pool time be lesssons.
IMO puddle jumpers make more sense for kids who are not at the pool much –i.e. a three day trip to the beach from a cold climate area without pool access. we live in socal so swimming fluency and safety is a huge priority. kiddo at 4.5 is now an excellent swimmer with no flotation devices and lots of lessons. we know 6 year olds who grew up with puddle jumpers and cant swim which i think is dangerous given the prevalence of pools here.
Anon says
This. Our middle ground is that our gym pools (indoor and outdoor) have a zero-entry end, so kiddo (20 months) is allowed to walk, splash and play (within arms reach) where she can touch bottom, but if she’s in the deep end (or near the water at the beach, because we go infrequently so there isn’t repeated enforcement of safety rules, just sprinting excitedness), then she’s in parents’ arms or a life vest.
SC says
Our middle ground was to always start Kiddo with him in arms and no flotation device, then when he had some practice moving around the water, put him in a baby float or (later) in a puddle jumper or life vest. Last year, Kiddo (then 3) insisted more on having the puddle jumper. I was reluctant, but we were on vacation at the time, and I didn’t want to ruin a vacation with a power struggle over the puddle jumper. It turned out that the puddle jumper really helped his confidence, and toward the end of the week, Kiddo asked to take it off and swam independently for the first time.
(I’ll add that we did swim lessons off and on from the time he was 9 months until he was 3, and have just resumed them at 4. DH also does a great job making up fun water games that actually help Kiddo learn to swim.)
Anonymous says
I am a junior associate in biglaw with an 11 month old and I’m 4 months pregnant with my second. I’m getting close to showing and would appreciate any advice on how to handle pregnancy in the office. With my last, I was a 3L which is obviously an entirely different – and simpler – environment to navigate.
Anything from how to continue to get work while pregnant/dealing with awkward assigning partners & senior associate/how & when to let people know I am pregnant (especially when it is not yet physically obious)/what to buy for workwear (esp. suits/biz formal) is very helpful.
Anonymous says
I am a junior associate in biglaw with an 11 month old and I’m 4 months pregnant with my second. I’m getting close to showing and would appreciate any advice on how to handle pregnancy in the office. With my last, I was a 3L which is obviously an entirely different – and simpler – environment to navigate.
Anything from how to continue to get work while pregnant/dealing with awkward assigning partners & senior associate/how & when to let people know I am pregnant (especially when it is not yet physically obious)/what to buy for workwear (esp. suits/biz formal) is very helpful.
Anonymous says
I’m just a little unclear on your time line, but will you have even been there a year when you’re planning on maternity leave? Cause that’s your first hurdle
Anonymous says
OP here – I will have been at the firm for basically exactly a year at the time I take leave.
shortperson says
for clothes, i would start with kat’s guide to maternity workwear.
in terms of the rest, it is very firm dependent. at my firm it would be no big deal. BUT would be good to work in hints about your planned return (if you plan that). i.e. reference your childcare situation when appropriate. for me, the conversation was basically do you want to come back part time? my answer: no, i’m the primary breadwinner. end of the story. i have not seen being a mother as an an impediment to my success at my firm. but i also never have gotten much slack other than official times of for leave. the reason it’s harder for more junior associates at the firm when they have babies is because all junior associates have less slack in general, more emergency length assignments, etc. if you have a childcare plan in place to accommodate that then i think it’s no problem. if you dont then i think you need to think through childcare or decide how long you want to stick around biglaw. if it’s only for 3-4 years until you pay off your loans you’ll probably be fine either way.
Anon says
Couple of thoughts. In some ways, it’s a blessing that you’re so junior. You won’t have developed significant credibility, but at least in my practice, it takes a couple of years to get credibility and to actually know things, so the presumption is that first years generally know nothing (whether that’s true or not). You also likely won’t have client relationships to navigate yet. Missing 5 months of year 2 for maternity leave isn’t going to make a significant dent in that perception, in my mind. Critical for you I think is communicating what you can and cannot do. E.g., at 36 weeks pregnant, your doctor may write you a note that says you can’t work more than 8 hours a day, etc., not taking on so much work that you’re routinely skimping out on sleep, etc. In my experience setting (reasonable) boundaries and sticking to them and clearly communicating your availability is going to be received better than trying to do everything you could do when you weren’t growing a human and failing miserably at some or all of it.
I’m in a small office of a gigantic biglaw firm, and I had to tell people early because of my HG, but I basically told the managing partner of my group, then the rest of the partners and associates with whom I work on a daily basis, then other partners or associates with whom I am friendly, and let everyone else (~20% of the office) find out through the office grapevine. HR was the last to know. Generally in my experience I think most people tell after they’re out of the first trimester. If you wait longer (at least in my office), it’s a gossipy guessing game because you may not hide it as well as you think you do.
As for getting work, ideally it won’t be an issue. I stopped getting staffed on new deals the last month of my pregnancy, but was able to keep working on my older deals (and picked up random short-term stuff) up until literally the day before my leave (I was a scheduled C for health reasons). I have a few colleagues in other groups or other firms where people stopped staffing them, and I think there are a couple of options – talk to your group’s workflow coordinator, if you have one, about how you want to keep taking on assignments to the extent reasonably practicable (which, given my personal view that most first years, at least in my practice, are fungible, should mean pretty late and then you can just transition over to someone else), particularly if pro bono counts as billable, take on a few of those projects (just make sure to transition them before you go on leave), and if all else fails, recognize that this is one small season in a career and you may not hit your hours and that’s OK.
As for workwear, we’re business casual, so I did a lot of maternity dresses and, if needed, regular blazers in a size up, with a heavy selection from gap, old navy and loft. I never got a maternity suit – I don’t appear in court and for formal client occasions I did a black dress and non-matching blazer and my giant bump was essentially a neon light that said here’s a pass. I had a pretty tight capsule maternity wardrobe, which was really convenient. I think Seraphine makes some nicer pieces if you fit in their sizing (I did not). Otherwise I would suggest looking at A Pea in the Pod and Macys.
anon says
I was in the main office but in a speciality group. I told the head of my group first and then told/called the other partners. I agree that being junior can be helpful because you’re really not that important to anyone. Continue to ask for good-quality and appropriate work.
We lean on the casual side of business casual, so I also did a lot of maternity/jersey dresses, plus two pairs of pants. I think I rented a blazer for the one time I needed it. People give you more slack as you get bigger. Also, my feet got disgustingly large, so I lived in these frumpy mary janes during the last month or two.
K says
If you weren’t already planning on it, I would avoid buying any maternity clothes brand-new. Other moms at the firm should have plenty that you can borrow for the few months that you’ll need them, otherwise look at secondhand shops or consignment sales on Facebook to fill out your maternity wardrobe.
Anonymous says
OP here – thanks all, this is VERY helpful. So far I have been able to get away with buying pants a few sizes up but the advice here on clothing will be so helpful as I continue to get bigger. I have two projects that I know will continue past my due date so I have given the partners on those matters a heads up – they seemed to appreciate that. Otherwise, I am at the point now where I am not actively hiding it but generally not discussing it as necessary. I assume the word will spread. My first pregnancy was very uncomplicated and I took a final two days before I went into labor – I understand that pregnancies differ from one another but I am hopeful that this one is similarly uncomplicated and that I will remain able to be productive at work up until very close to my due date. I also know I do want to return to full time work after my 20 week leave so I’d like to set myself up to be in a good position at the firm upon my return. Thanks again, all.