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I was scrolling through some baby photos of my oldest, and a teether ball similar to Goodway’s Baby Rattle & Sensory Teether Ball made a frequent appearance.
Like most babies, she had very little interest in toys the first weeks of her life. However, once the world of toys opened up around three months, she constantly reached for her rattle teether ball — it was easy to grab and hold, mesmerizing to look at, and comforting to gnaw on.
Goodway’s version is made of chewable and flexible silicone and is easy to clean with soapy water. In hindsight, it’s one of the toys I wish I kept for our son.
The teether is $16.79 at Amazon.
Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
J Crew Factory says
For those whose spring uniform includes drawstring pants, j crew factory has their spring sale currently. Drawstring linen blend pants half off and down to about $30. They only have 1 color in shorts now.
Drawstring says
Is there any trick to wearing drawstring pants that I’m missing? I always find that my shirt hangs over the drawstring and makes a weird ugly bulge. I realize I could tuck my shirt in, but that doesn’t really work with the casual, easy look I’m going for with these kinds of pants. It always feels like I’m ruling out a lot of otherwise good options because of this.
anon in brooklyn says
I half tuck, tucking in just the front where the drawstring is.
Anon says
Same.
Blueberries says
Thanks! This sounds awesome for summer.
Cb says
I bought so many cute wooden toys and then realized that my child has a rocket arm and wooden toys hurt. We had an oball that was a hit.
AnonATL says
We are in throw everything stage right now. The Melissa and doug animal puzzle pieces really hurt. Lots of plastic blocks and balls until we learn some control.
Anonymous says
Yes, the oball is a hit for my future shotput star.
Tea/Coffee says
Right?! :-). We got this cute Melissa & Doug sushi set… and then realized it comes with a large and very sturdy (for a toddler) wooden knife. Which was used to slice everything in the house except for the play sushi, lol.
Recs for a couples counselor? says
Any recommendations for a couples counselor in DC/MD/NoVa, and/or online? No major issues, just a confluence of (relatively) minor ones that we’d like to make sure don’t fester.
anon says
I’d recommend ours, but she’s not taking patients. Psychology Today should have a good list.
It might be helpful to think about what you’re looking to get out of it- ours does EFT which focuses on the underlying emotions behind certain things (so she doesn’t want to engage in content or deciding on who does what for example).
Audra Levine says
Anyone who has had struggles with bike helmet fit, I just got the Kali Protectives Chakra Child helmet for my 4 year old and it is so great! Full coverage on her head, light weight, easy to tighten, and doesn’t slide around. My local bike shop did not have the pattern she wanted (unicorn) but Dedham Bike Shop did and shipped it to us in just one day.
Cb says
Ooh, will check it out. My big-headed kiddo can’t wear the cute Micro ones, so has a hideous flame one but I think that’s getting too small.
Anon says
Any tips for handling a 3 year old regression to acting like a baby? I thought it would be a short phase but it’s been going on for months and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. Even before this phase I feel like she was kind of behind developmentally (she can’t dress herself, eats mostly with her hands, isn’t potty trained, etc) so the pretend helplessness about the things she knows how to do is especially frustrating. Also is it weird that this is happening in the absence of any external factors? The internet says it’s normal for older kids to regress developmentally when there’s a new baby, but there’s no new sibling (or any other obvious source of stress, other than the pandemic, which isn’t new).
Neglectedheels says
Not to alarm you, but if she is developmentally delayed and has truly regressed in some areas and seems to have lost skills she already gained (not just a refusal to do things sometimes due to frustration or distraction or being a 3 year old) then she should be evaluated by your pediatrician. Hopefully it is just something in the air and she goes back to being herself shortly!
Anon says
+1 My first thought was that I’d loop in your ped, just to be safe. And I can totally see how this would be frustrating as a parent – good luck!
Anon says
I don’t think she’s officially delayed in anything, just at the lower end of average on some of the independent skills that 3 year olds normally start to acquire. We saw her ped less than a month ago and the ped had zero concerns. She hasn’t regressed in the sense of actually losing skills, i meant regression as in saying “I’m a baby I can’t walk” when we’re trying to get out the door or refusing to use her words when she’s having a tantrum because “I’m a baby waaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaa.” She can certainly walk and talk in complete sentences when she wants to. :) Of course the refusal to cooperate on occasion is very common and not new, but the “I’m a baby I can’t do ____” is relatively new and that’s what I was asking about.
Annie says
How’s your relationship with your partner these days? I’ve noticed that when my husband and I are engaging in more conflict our kids like to act like babies for soothing and comfort. Can you try giving her extra love, cuddles and soothing so she’s not seeking it out in the “baby” way and see if that helps?
Anon says
Ah okay, (I posted above saying maybe talk to ped) – we have some books about this. There’s one called Use Your Words Sophie that my kids liked. It doesn’t really have the exact message, but it gave us a point to talk about it.
Sometimes we just play back and try to make it into a game (mom’s a baby too – can she take care of me?)
And sometimes I’ve found engaging their competitive nature is helpful. Like set a timer try to beat your time. Or can you race dad to put on your shoes. None of my kids fully regressed, just throwing out some ideas you can try!
AwayEmily says
I also currently have a 3yo “baby” (goo goo ga ga) and it is SO ANNOYING. Both of my kids have done this on and off, sometimes spurred by events (aka new sibling) and sometimes just out of the blue. Our most successful strategy is just calmly saying “oh, I don’t really want to play baby right now — but when you’re ready, let’s [read a book/go for a walk/play blocks].” Then walk away. Basically teaching them that pretending to be a baby does not get them any additional attention.
Anonanonanon says
We had a short-lived phase of this right before 3. Similar to you, would deadpan “Oh, I don’t really enjoy playing with a baby, I have a daughter who is a big girl and she is so much fun! She’s really good at building block towers. I will wait to play with her.”
When getting out the door, only took a couple of times of me getting frustrated enough to throw her shoes in my purse and say “OK, well babies get carried to the car, so here we go” and carry her against her will to the car and put her shoes on her when she was strapped in. She hated that because I wasn’t feeding into it.
One strategy from how to talk so little kids will listen that works for my daughter is making things talk. E.g., having the shoe say “Oh, but I’m hungry and I want a foot to eat!” or pretend her foot is saying “I’m going to hide in a shoe and you can’t find me!” or “I’m cold, please let me in your shoe!” etc.
Anonymous says
Whenever we had phases like this, it was attention seeking because DH and I were super busy. Taking a ‘team’ approach seemed to give enough attention without going the baby route. So like for getting dressed, I pop the tshirt on their head and they put their arms in or I put on their socks and they put on their shoes. Or for eating, I use two forks, preload bites and they feed themselves the bites. Generally it passes after a bit and we move off it softly – like I preload two bites, and they load one bite themselves, then I do another two bites etc.
Anon says
Just as a note, my son is 4.5 now but he did not dress himself at 3 (he hit the developmental milestones but wasn’t doing it on his own at all) and he was not potty trained until 3.5 (he was late in that but not dramatically so and the report from daycare was that he had a lot less accidents than kids that potty trained earlier). Kids are different. He can do it all now (except he still needs a diaper at night. He’s a very heavy sleeper).
Louisa says
Anyone have experience or recommendations with the Bjorn travel crib versus the guava lotus? I’m sure it’s been discussed here but I didn’t have much less searching. We have some Airbnb travel this year (vaccinations, yay!) and camping and I like the lightness of both of them. Have found deals under 200ish on Facebook marketplace. Or any other travel cribs to recommend that are easy to set up? Baby is 5 months now and I’d like to be able to use it for the next couple of years. Thanks!
Louisa says
Much luck. Talk-to-text fail.
NYCer says
We used the Bjorn, and it got the job done! It is very easy to set up, and the “mattress” has at least a little padding. I am sure you can tell this from pictures, but the baby is basically on the same level as the ground (which I think is the case for most travel cribs). We only used it for sleeping, never for play time, etc.
I have never used the guava lotus (or even seen it in person), so I have no basis for comparison.
Anonymous says
We have the Lotus, and we love it (but haven’t used or seen the Bjorn). Very easy to set up and break down, and once it’s packed up, it doesn’t take up too much room in the car and has straps that let you wear it as a (large) backpack. We haven’t used it for anything other than car travel though, because covid. FWIW, the friends who recommended it said it was incredibly easy to deal with on planes.
Anonymous says
Yep— I posted earlier this week about the Lotus. We used it as an everyday crib for my daughter from 5M to 3Y or so, and traveled both by plane and by car with it. 10/10 recommend. Eventually she got a hole in the mesh along a seam, we emailed the company and they completely replaced the mesh for free. We’re now using it for our next baby’s everyday sleep space. So definitely holds up and if it doesn’t, excellent customer service.
We found it great for travel, too. Love that the carrying case turns into a backpack.
Anon says
Very similar experience, down to using it as the primary crib. I love the side zipper of the Lotus—especially great if baby needs some extra cuddles or to crawl into a familiar place while traveling.
Sarabeth says
Same–primary crib for two babies in our house! The side zip is a really great feature–it saved my back.
anonamama says
Bjorn fan here, but as I’m contemplating some upcoming plane travel, I’m feeling swayed by the Lotus!
I bought the Bjorn on the recommendation from a friend that her kids used it for a long time, since the mattress lies directly on the floor – thereby waiving any weight restrictions. I find it extremely easy to use, not incredibly bulky in packing for car travel. The friend has checked it in air travel with no problem. The crib has always led to great sleep for LO (started using it at 3.5 to now 17 mos). I found the resale market plentiful on these as opposed to the Lotus. I was able to get two (one for grandmas) second hand at $100 and $50 ea. Also, I found the Bjorn brand sheet fit better than others purchased. Also, unsolicited tip, pick up some portable blackout curtains for your trips! In one case, we haphazardly wrapped it around the mesh of the crib to better black out surroundings.
anon says
We have the Lotus and like it, but have no experience with the Bjorn. It’s more annoying to set up than a Graco pnp, but we love that it’s lighter and the case is smaller. For plane travel (pre-Covid) we were able to put it inside a giant suitcase and fill the rest with baby clothes.
Anon says
I would buy the cheaper one. My one and a half year old is already past the height limit – that’s probably the main thing I would look for.
Anonanonanon says
Had the Lotus, used it as our everyday crib and for travel, and loved it. I move my kids to floor beds pretty early but we used it until she was 20 months or so. It was easy to set up, and I liked that the carry bag could be worn like a backpack. Makes a difference when you’re schlepping stuff into a hotel or family member’s house.
Anonanonanon says
Also, I just remembered I had MAJOR pregnancy brain and was trying to put something on the crib sideways and called customer service and they VERY politely talked me through it. It was super fast and easy to get a human.
Lucky says
Another ringing endorsement for the Lotus. We used this for international travel and loved it. Sometimes we packed it in a large suitcase, but we have also just checked it individually in its carrying case. We used it until my (tall) kiddo was around 2.5, it probably would have gotten even more use if it weren’t for COVID cancelling all of our travels. It is still in great shape for kiddo #2 when we resume travelling.
Anon says
how important is a fireplace to you when buying a house? we are considering a house that has one but it is in a downstairs office as opposed to the main room. our realtor made a comment how for resale a fireplace can be important bc people want to decorate for Çhristmas, need a place for santa to come down the chimney, etc. We are Jewish so this never crossed my mind. thoughts?
Audra Levine says
Nice to have, but super low on the priority list? We have a fireplace, and it has frankly been a pain. It took a lot of money to get it functional (we live in a super old house) and we can only burn duraflame low smoke logs, which don’t produce much heat. Getting it converted to gas is on the list of home renovation projects.
It is really pretty to have a fire burning there, and of course fun at Christmas, but I would not hesitate in a second to buy a house I liked even if it didn’t have one.
Anon says
+1 – My husband LOVES LOVES LOVES fireplaces, and while some of the houses we looked at have them, the house we bought did not. I guess if everything else was equal a fireplace house would win out, but there’s never an equal comparison like that when you’re buying.
If you like the house, buy it! (also, such a random thing for your realtor to say)
Anon says
I don’t think it’s a random thing for the realtor to say. It’s their job to warn you about anything that might potentially affect resale value, even if you plan to stay in the home forever. She was just doing her job, although I agree with the advice that OP shouldn’t let this be the deciding factor in whether or not to buy the house.
Cb says
A lot of the houses we saw didn’t have a fireplace. We have a gas insert which produces a surprising amount of heat but I wouldn’t say it was a must have. I wonder if new homes won’t have them for environmental reasons?
Fireplace says
I actually would have preferred a house without one. We are not fireplace users and I find it can limit decorating/furniture placement options. I might be in the minority though because almost every house we looked at had one though, so we did end up buying a home that has one.
Realist says
+1. We are looking at building and removed the fireplace from the standard plan.
Anon says
+1 would have preferred no fireplace. Wood burning is really bad for neighborhood air. I live in a place where wood burning is prohibited on the regular when the AQI is too high. Even when not prohibited, it’s unneighborly to put so much smoke into the air. A lot of people have asthma or other conditions that make smoke dangerous for them and children don’t need the unnecessary exposure to smoke, especially after all our smoke days during fire season.
BTW, we have young kids and celebrate Christmas. Fireplace remains blocked by a bookcase 365 days a year.
Anonymous says
Not very. Pretty easy to add a gas fireplace to most rooms if they want it. Lots of people don’t like the work/smell of wood burning. Buy the house because it has what you want, not because of what some future buyer might or might not want.
No Face says
To me personally? Very important because I am freezing all winter and love a warm fire. Not a necessity for general resale purposes though.
Anon says
It’s not important to me. We have one and have used it precisely once in six years of living here. In contrast to the person above me, I like having it for decor purposes (we are Jewish too but I decorate the mantel for holidays and birthdays, which is basically the only Pinteresty thing I ever do) but I could certainly live without it since we don’t use it for its intended purpose. I know some people who celebrate Christmas and don’t have fireplaces and they just find a different place to hang the stockings. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
Anon says
I would have said not that important but I’m in Houston and during the terrible freeze they were so clutch! We didn’t have one and ended up huddled around my parents’ for several days. I’ll look for one going forward! Maybe just as a bonus, but I appreciate them now!
I also do like to have a mantel for santa, but my kids are quite young. We could definitely hang stockings elsewhere but it takes the guess work out.
OP says
thanks all! we live in Texas, so other than our big freeze last month, it’s rarely cold enough to need/want a fire
Katala says
After 2.5 straight days without power in sub-freezing temps during which we were so grateful to have the light and heat of the fireplace, we will never buy a home without one. We do use it almost daily over the winter, even though it’s not really necessary in Texas. But I’m not at all confident that they will fix the power grid issues and/or that deep freezes will not happen more regularly, so I will be prepared to be in a similar potentially life threatening situation again with young kids.
AnonATL says
Depends on where you are located. If it was a place that gets cold and has frequent power failures in the winter it might be nice as a backup.
Otherwise I wouldn’t make it a priority and I love our gas fireplace in the winter. Not a dealbreaker though. We are a mixed religious background house but I did hang Christmas stockings this year.
Annie says
Not at all – we have asthma and aren’t going to use it.
AwayEmily says
We have a gas insert in our fireplace and we use it daily except in the summer. I LOVE it so much. I turn it on in the morning while I read the paper, we nap in front of it on weekends, we snuggle by the fire to watch TV after the kids go to bed.
We also live in a cold, snowy place and keep our house pretty cold, so I’m sure that’s part of the appeal.
Momofthree says
One other thing to consider with a fireplace is making sure that it is actually working/ there aren’t any problems with the chimney. The fireplace in our old house is basically non-functional and the top part of our chimney has caused us some leaking issues, so definitely more trouble than it’s worth.
Anonymous says
This sounds sooo cozy! I hate winter but I think I would like it if I lived at your house.
Anon says
I need to find sunglasses for my 19-month-old with a huge head. I’m talking toddler styles are too small, and women’s sunglasses fit the width of her head but the nose bridge is too big and the ear pieces too long. I’d prefer that they have a strap, if possible.
Anonymous says
Really like “Real Shades” for kids. The surf style. Between our kindergartener and toddler, we’re our 3rd to 4th pair (sized out or lost…sigh).
Can’t Relax says
I need a gut check. I have what I imagine is the opposite problem of a lot of women, and I know I should be grateful but — ugh. My husband never stops. Like never. He is always working or cleaning or doing something productive. Our kids are little (under 3) and we both work full time, so we have so much to do and I get it. But after bedtime, sometimes I just want to watch tv or stare at my phone for an hour. I know it’s not a good use of time, but I’m so darn tired and brain dead by that point. It’s becoming an issue because while he doesn’t say anything most of the time, I know it annoys him and it’s painfully obvious that he thinks I should be doing — something more productive than doing nothing. And meanwhile, I feel bad trying to relax while he’s doing dishes or whatever and am tired of the looks and sighs and general passive aggressiveness.
Weekends are more of the same. We might watch one 30-minute episode of a show together on a Saturday evening but that is literally it.
I’ve tried to take on more or do the dishes instead, etc. but he wants to do them himself (apparently I don’t do them “right” according to his method.) And while I think I do a fairly even share of the work otherwise, 8:30-9:30 is just not my best time for accomplishing anything. So I’m left feeling both lazy and worthless and like I can’t relax, and I am so over it.
Perspective please. I’m a huge whiner, right?
Anon says
No you’re not a whiner. He sounds crazy controlling. It should not bother him if you want to veg out in front of the TV as long as you are pulling your weight when it comes to parenting and household stuff. And if he feels you’re not pulling your weight he needs to take a step back and give you ownership of more chores instead of controlling how you do them. I would seek out a couples counselor.
Anonymous says
Yeah I find this really disturbing.
Can't Relax says
Honestly, he is only controlling when it comes to the dishes. I don’t know why but dishes are a huge thing for him and he really just wants to do it himself so it’s done his way.
Anonymous says
Talk to him? Tell him that you’re worried that he is bothered that you use evenings to relax and prefer to do your share of the housework at other times of the day. Discuss whether both of you think your current split of tasks is fair and then (hopefully) you both give each other the freedom to do these tasks when it best fits with your schedule and body clock.
Anon says
This is me, you are my husband. I’m eager to hear folks’ responses.
Anonymous says
Can ya chill?
Anon says
Revised: I read too fast. I don’t care about the “do it my way thing” and I don’t mean to make him feel guilty about what does/doesn’t do, but I know that sometimes he’s self conscious that I’m constantly on the go when he wants to just chill. 90% of the time his chill-ness is a-ok with me. Sometimes it’s not and we talk, he then generally does the thing right then (even though I don’t need it done in that moment), and then he goes back to chill mode.
I’m just wired such that I’m always doing stuff and it doesn’t really bother me. I just generally struggle to just sit down and relax and do nothing. I can watch a movie or watch a tv show with him if it’s something we’ve planned to watch together, but just plopping in front of the TV to tune out to anything or scroll on the phone is just not my jam.
Anon says
But do you sigh and give him passive aggressive looks when he’s relaxing? There’s much more to this question than OP’s husband not wanting to watch TV. My husband doesn’t veg out either, he relaxes by working which is insane to me, but I don’t care because it doesn’t affect me and he isn’t judging me for doing what I want to do.
Can't Relax says
Okay in fairness, it’s entirely possible (even likely) that the passive aggressive looks are all in my head. It’s hard for me to separate my own feelings of guilt from perceived judgment, if that makes any sense.
Anon says
Ah ok. Then I agree with the advice to talk to him directly. Maybe he’ll tell you he doesn’t care and you can stop feeling guilty. Or maybe he’ll say he resents doing chores while you relax and you can find a different way of dividing the labor.
Annie says
What???? We have young kids and demanding jobs and essentially stare at our phones to decompress from 8PM-10:30PM most nights. In our house evenings are for decompressing, not getting stuff done if at all possible.
Annie says
Based on responses, I should clarify that we power through and get everything cleaned up before 8PM. We have set things we do every night (laundry in hampers, tidy, dishes done, counters wiped, dishwasher loaded, floor under table wiped down) and we make sure to do it before starting our veg out evening. But, veg out time is a daily goal, not a problem.
Anon says
We’re probably a bit of the opposite. This might sound obvious, but have you talked to him about this in a calm-not-chore-doing-setting? I think if you simply verbalize “look, I need an hour at the end of the day to veg and I don’t think that’s unreasonable, even if that means some chores don’t get done that night” it would be hard for him to outright argue with it laid out like that. Then if the looks happen in the heat of the moment, just calmly remind him of this conversation.
It seems like dishes are a sticking point. I would also just lay out, “look, I know you don’t think I do dishes “right” but you need to let that go and let me do them at times, because the alternative of you looking at me exasperated while you are doing them is not fair”. (We personally do a whoever didn’t cook does the dishes thing, if that works for you).
Finally, as someone who is a bit more like your husband (but not so extreme) I have had to simply acknowledge to myself that my standards of how I think the house needs to look at the end of the night etc. are extreme and just not fair to completely impose on others. A reasonable picking up throughout the day by others, sure, but not my level. I literally get joy from doing these things and going to bed with things accomplished that I know just does not do the same for my husband, and that has to be fine. (There’s also a fine line here). I’m not sure how you get your husband to see things this way though.
I know this doesn’t help you now, but the amount of “things” that needs to be done does get better as the kids get older, like even 4+.
Anonymous says
I do not think you are a huge whiner. If you’ve discussed this and gotten nowhere I think counseling makes sense.
Anon says
i think there has to be a happy medium. like everyone (most people) need time to relax. i do sometimes feel frustrated when my husband is laying on the couch playing with his phone and doesn’t seem to notice that the garbage is overflowing. granted he works VERY hard for his day job (more hours than i do), so it is not that he is lazy, but doesn’t want to do stuff around the house. this might be an area where you each have the things that you are fully in charge of – be in dishes, sweeping, laundry (whatever) and maybe some boundary about when it has to get done. Like I usually cook and DH washes the dishes, and it used to make me bonkers where after dinner he wouldn’t just clean the dishes right away and instead would sit on the couch. in my mind, it’s like lets get all the stuff done, so we can relax, but he preferred to relax a bit first and then do it. so our ‘rule’ is just to do it before going to bed
Nonnymouse says
Haha. Oh the dish thing! My husband is incapable of relaxing (he also has anxiety). I need down time to be at my best and he knows it. I take two evenings a week after the kids go to bed to go upstairs and do whatever (reading, listening to music on my AirPods, drinking tea, catching up with friends) from 8-9:30pm. As it is a set time each week, he knows it is happening, and I have certainty that I will get my relaxing time, so I power through the other evenings and do the boring but necessary chores. After 9:30pm he can come upstairs and get ready for bed. We negotiated this a few months after our second kid was born. We all have different thresholds for what is possible. You need to talk to him.
Anon says
I’d talk to him and also think about whether there are limited chores that you actually LIKE doing. Like I really don’t mind unloading the dishwasher, so he knows to leave that to me. I had to tell him that though. Same with folding laundry – I’ll do that in front of the TV.
I think this is the opposite of what some are saying but DH and I both work full time and have young kids and I’m not sure we’d be functioning if he weren’t getting stuff done in the evening. (I am like you). I also take on things like ordering groceries and getting them picked up, and chores that aren’t time sensitive. We still don’t have a 50/50 balance but I recently basically stopped all my contributions (in my first tri and feeling terrible) and things started to fall apart a bit so I’m feeling like I contribute more than I realize! But yeah, I’d say talking to him about it would be good – maybe he doesn’t actually mind!
AnonATL says
I’m kind of like your husband in that there are certain things I need to get done before I unplug for the night. For me, it’s getting dinner cooked, dishes washed, and kid to bed. After kid is in bed I become a sloth most nights. There have occasionally been times where I’m buzzing around the kitchen doing something and my husband says oh I’ll wash those dishes later but I need to do it that second. I notice it most on days when work is stressful. It takes me a while to slow down and doing chores helps. I try not to act resentful toward my spouse who goes into sloth mode basically right after work. I realized I need to get the chore done at that moment, but it doesn’t mean the chore needs to get done at that moment if that makes sense.
I would definitely talk to your husband about it and divide chores that you don’t do “wrong” and can do on your own time. Or maybe he is a little controlling.
Can’t Relax says
Lol at “sloth mode.” I think this is the heart of the issue – I need some sloth time and my husband just genuinely does not have a sloth mode.
Thanks for all of the responses, this is so helpful! I think purposefully dividing chores and setting an agreed-upon schedule might help.
I know he sounds controlling from my post, but aside from his obsession with how the dishes are done. he really isn’t.
DLC says
I feel you. My husband is a constant cleaner and I am a bare minimum cleaner. He also grew up in a very controlling household where things were always immaculate so there is a bit of stress cleaning involved in what he does. And he cleans in the morning rather loudly while I’m trying to sleep. It makes me so tense. To the point that our therapist once suggest that he text me “stress cleaning” when he goes on these binges so that I know he’s not upset with me. We haven’t actually tried that tactic – I found it a little overkill plus- that would be every single day. Twice some times. I just try to let it go and realize that he is an adult and can do what he wants with his time, just like I do. It still annoys me when he is constantly cleaning, but I will often just move to another room and let him do his thing. Some nights, I will ask “how can I help so that we get to the tv veg out part of the night?” I think if you frame it as wanting to spend more time together, it might go over better than the resentment of feeling unproductive- you aren’t going to change him. Also- express gratitude. I’m trying to reframe in my head that I’m very fortunate to have a husband who wants to keep the house so clean, even though it’s not my own priority. Many times, I’ve said to him, “Oh, you don’t have to do that!” And he says, “Can you just say ‘thank you’ and let me finish?” And that always puts me in my place. I’ve come to realize that he needs for things to be a certain way and that’s his thing, not mine. We all benefit from his cleaning and my trying to dictate when and what degree he cleans makes him feel unappreciated and annoyed.
We also do what someone suggested above where we each have dedicated “time off” in the evenings to do as we like with no expectations or judgement from the other spouse.
Waffles says
If I were having this problem (I don’t — I veg out unapologetically), I would consider appealing to my husband’s shallower side.
“I can’t do anything but be watch TV while my nail polish is drying. It takes 30-45 minutes for them to dry completely. So, I have to watch the whole show.”
“This sheet mask that will make my skin glow will slide off if I get up from bed, so I can only read my phone lying down. I’m trying to look beautiful for you! Can you please make me a cup of herbal tea?”
“I am not vegging. I am crowdsourcing valuable information about how to run our lives efficiently. You don’t believe me? I will tell you the full summary of my research right before you fall asleep.”
But seriously… you can’t be your best self if you don’t rest enough. Resting is part of producing, and while your husband may be very task-oriented, you may find that you are shouldering the bulk of social, emotional, physical, and/or strategic work. These are different responsibilities that can wear on people in deeper ways.
Good luck! I’m sure that you’re doing awesome — it’s just that so much of the work we do is invisible.
Tea/Coffee says
Suggest a birthday gift for me to ask for, from my kids, please!
Kids are 10 and 6. DH wants to take them shopping this weekend. He already has his gift to me (requested kitchen equipment). I have decision fatigue and can’t figure out what to ask for from the kids.
– small, like $20
– i can’t do any more crafts, i just can’t.
– helpful if it’s something that the kids can pick and I’m not “stuck with” it, like the enormous pink glittery phone case DD picked for me one year.
– if the kids pick chocolate, I will wind up with hershey kisses, not good-mom-chocolate (and SH supervising them does not help bc he doesn’t see the difference lol).
– they really really like to get me something that can be unwrapped
– i like to cook, garden, run, read.
Anonymous says
Books. Cook books. Gardening books.
anon says
Cookbooks was going to be my first suggestion. They can flip through and find one that looks interesting and as long as you make one thing from it you’re good.
Anon says
Tell DH you want real chocolate. Just give him a brand name and tell him to order it.
Anonymous says
Fancy tea, fancy coffee, fancy sprinkles or baking supplies? A nice new pot.
Anon says
a new water bottle? a puzzle with a picture of something cooking/gardening related?
octagon says
New good running socks. Or shoelaces that they can pick out for you in a fun color that they’ll get a kick out of seeing you wear all the time.
Does your family have a good picnic blanket? A blanket plus a picnic outside could be nice.
Do you wear jewelry at all — could you suggest small earrings, or a bracelet that you would like?
Garden supplies? One year we wrapped up a bag of potting soil for my gardening DH and kiddo thought it was hilarious that we got dad DIRT! Do you need new garden gloves, a better trowel, seeds to plant, gardening clogs, etc?
anon says
New water bottle. Pool bag. Thermal coffee mug. Pool flip flops. Pool towel.
Comfy folding chair for siting at kids outdoor sports games / driveway meet ups.
Digital picture frame.
Mini USB projector for outdoor movie nights.
Fancy s’mores fixings (World Market has awesome chocolate and waffer cookies) for s’mores night.
Mini hiking backpack for pandemic hikes.
Do you do family bike rides? New bike water bottle, bike basket, cushy bike seat.
Flowers in a pot for your front/back porch.
anonamama says
An XL heating pad for all of your random aches and pains. I can’t recommend it enough. Or fancy loose tea and a strainer– Williams Sonoma and Teavana make nice ones. They might have fun picking flavors and they come in small increments so you aren’t stuck with it forever – or could have fun trying these together.
Anonymous says
A plant for the yard. gardening gloves. Bulbs. A book. My fave bday gift (I’m mid April) is when DH and the kids wrap up a bag of mulch then tells me it’s good for 4 hours of manual labor shoveling mulch.
Tea/Coffee says
Okay, you all are awesome! :-). Thank you for all the great ideas! I think I will give them a range of possible suggestions:
– basket of assorted herbal teas for summer iced tea making
– garden books
– running shoe laces in fun colors
– picnic blanket (thank you, I only think of this while sitting on an old tablecloth lol)
– maybe I’ll ask for compost and the kids can say they got me poop haha
– new garden snippers
The kids should have fun picking out any of those things and it’s wide enough that they shouldn’t run into any “we just couldn’t find any” issues, like I’m not sending them on a complete wild goose chase. Thank you all!
Anonymous says
Most of my coffee mugs are from these situations.
Spirograph says
Hm. I am your husband (although I do like my veg time, too!) so this is helpful perspective on what my husband probably feels. Thank you.
What we/I did was make a list of things that “need” to be done for me to relax and not be irate that my husband is vegging while I’m still scurrying around. Basic stuff like kitchen clean, table wiped, cat litter box cleaned, dumping ground by the front door tidied up, and folded laundry put away (by mutual agreement, I do all the folding, husband is in charge of putting away). If all that is done, I will not begrudge DH his veg time, because it’s on me if I want to do elective additional tidying.
Spirograph says
Thread fail, intended for can’t relax, above.
Can't Relax says
Thank you, this is helpful!
Probiotic says
Suggestions for a probiotic for a gassy-at-night fourteen-month-old? We’re already doing yogurt every day but want to try this as well. TIA!
Sunshine says
Talk to me about daycare and sun protection. Do you sunscreen kiddos beforehand in the morning? We sent a hat but it doesn’t seem from pictures that they ever put hats on.
Anonymous says
Yes and I insist they reapply and put a hat on
Anon says
I have a very fair kid and I have so much sun damage (freckles) myself that I hate, so I’m hypervigilant about this. We apply sunscreen in the morning year round unless it’s pouring rain and we know they won’t be going outside, daycare reapplys in the afternoon and we send a hat and if we get a photo without the hat we gently remind them to have her wear the hat. We also dress her in as much clothing as she can comfortably wear because clothing offers better protection than even the most diligent sunscreening. If the high temperature is above 50, we always make sure to sunscreen her forearms even if we’re sending her in a longsleeve shirt because sometimes they will roll up her sleeves and not roll them back down before going outside if the temperature is relatively mild. She looks super cute in ponytails, but we usually have her wear her hair down for added sun protection on her back neck (we sunscreen her neck obviously, but when her hair is worn up the neck just bakes in the sun – kids spend so much time looking down that I think the back of the neck often gets the most sun exposure of any part of the body).
Anonymous says
Our old daycare would apply before the kids went outside each time. Kiddo is now in school and they don’t, but they spend much less time outside, not in the summer, and have lots of shade on the playground.
HMS says
Ok, another house hunting question. Would you prioritize living in a great kid friendly neighborhood (kids of similar age, walkable, close to playground, etc.) with a small house or a much nicer bigger home that requires 10-15 minutes of driving anywhere you go. Commute and school districts not a factor in the decision.
Anon says
We just bought the bigger home. I’d have said the great kid friendly neighborhood, but DH preferred house and he won this one. I realized also he’s more of an introvert – he doesn’t really want a bunch of socializing with neighbors! We also have four kids so they don’t need to look elsewhere for playmates although it’s nice to have other kids their age around.
Spirograph says
Kid friendly neighborhood, no question. I live in this neighborhood and love it so, so much. We have a smallish yard (but as I’ve mentioned here before, it’s really a big continuous yard with all the neighbors) and a smallish house, but dead-end street, 15ish kids within 4 houses on either side, 2 walkable playgrounds + walkable pool cannot be beat with kids under about 12. After that I think it’s probably less important.
Anon says
We bought in the kid friendly neighborhood and I sort of regret it because we’ve lived here for over five years and have met zero kids/families. Part of it is that I think there aren’t actually that many toddlers and preschoolers here (it’s zoned for the best school district, so many people move here when their kids are in the 5-7 age range, although you would think some of them have younger siblings) but also I seem to be missing some sort of gene for meeting neighbors. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t know any of their neighbor and I feel so guilty about it. Maybe things will change when my kid is old enough to meet other kids on her own.
That said, it depends how small the house is and how big your family is, but I think there are advantages to buying less house besides location. I honestly feel like our 2,300 square foot house (plus basement) is too big for our family of three sometimes. Less so in Covid now that it’s also two office buildings and a school in addition to a house. But in before times we really had more space than we needed here. We live in a LCOL area and were originally looking at some 4000-5000 square foot McMansions within our budget, but I’m so glad we didn’t buy them. Even for a family of four I think a lot of people would feel like that’s too much house.
Anon says
I am one of those people that totally agrees with your last segment. We live in a 1,900 square foot house with 4 people (what can I say, Bay Area) and honestly it is totally fine. While I wouldn’t mind maybe having one more bedroom and bathroom, too much bigger would be too much for me. Even furnishing this one was no cheap task.
4-5K would be WAY too much for me. The cleaning alone!
Anonymous says
Ha, I think perspectives of big and small vary so much. We have 4 in a 1900 sq ft house and while I wouldn’t describe it as a large house, I would never have thought to consider it a small house either. I think your calculus might change if you were looking at sub 1000 ft or if you had a larger family. It’s totally fine! Including during the last year of WFH. And within a mile of 8 playgrounds and three walkable shopping areas. My dad thinks it’ll feel small when we have two teenage boys, but that’s only a few years out of our lives.
Anon says
I will repeat my usual mantra: layout trumps square footage.
That aside, I spent my teenage years in a 4,500 square foot house and honestly, it was bigger than it needed to be. There were multiple rooms that never got used. The only time when it felt like an appropriate size was when all of the kids grew up and acquired pets and/or significant others. When Christmas features two parents, four grown kids, one significant other, two Labradors, and one cat, it’s an about appropriate amount of space.
Anonymous says
First one, hands down, but we’ve always lived in small places.
Cb says
Kid friendly neighbourhood, hands down! We moved a few months ago and were a bit concerned about being the youngest in the neighbourhood by 20+ years but it is super walkable, a mile bike ride to the local school, mostly off roads, near a skatepark and soccer field, lots of surrounding greenspace. And it turns out all these old people have grandchildren! On Easter, a kid knocked on our door to see if my son could come out and play!
I suspect we won’t get many new young neighbours as all the houses in the neighbourhood (15 houses at the edge of the golf course) are 3 bedrooms and people want bigger.
GCA says
Aw bless! Also not only do they have grandchildren, those grandchildren may one day inherit and move in after a grandparent passes on? I think (at least in my town) that many younger families do want that level of walkability plus green space but maybe can’t afford to buy in these areas right now.
So Anon says
I made the smaller house, great neighborhood decision about two years ago, and it was the best decision I have made. There are not a ton of kids that are exactly my kids’ ages in this neighborhood, but it is more that it is a really kid and family friendly neighborhood. There is a sense of community and watching out for each other that I love. Also, I would not want a bigger house. It means more cleaning, tending and pressure to fill it with stuff.
Anonymous says
Kid friendly, no question. It is GREAT to have families nearby and I am much more motivated to walk places than I am to drive places. Plus I personally prefer a smaller house because it is less area to keep clean, to furnish, or to keep random crap in.
anon says
Kid-friendly neighborhood would win out for us, but it does also depend on how big your family is and how small the house is. I know people live in apartments and small houses and it’s totally fine, but for my family of 4 I wouldn’t want something much smaller than our current 3-bed 1600 sqft house. We have at least 1 parent wfh even during normal times and often have family coming to visit, so not having that third bedroom as an office/guest room space would make things feel much more cramped.
Anonymous says
Another vote for kid friendly.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Another vote for kid friendly neighborhood, with walkable playgrounds. We’re in one of those, although our direct cul de sac has more older kids but still super kid friendly, with a walkable playground as well as a walkable elementary school and I love it. Again, not sure how small you’re talking, but most of the houses around here are 1500-2000ish sq feet, with a sprinkling of new builds that can go up to 3,000 sq feet. Our 2,000ish sq ft house is plenty big for the 4 of us. I can’t even imagine a 4000-5000 sq ft house.
GCA says
I feel like 2,000 sq ft is a mansion in New England :D typically you’re going to get a 1,200 sq ft 3-bedroom with a poky dining room and a foundation that is haunted by the ghosts of Loyalists! (Not that I have been stalking Zillow or anything…)
I would also go with the kid-friendly, walkable neighborhood. Personal preference, but I want my living situation to adapt and evolve with my family. At Easter we were at DH’s aunt’s 3,000+ sq ft house in the far MetroWest burbs. What worked when she was home with small children is a vast, empty space now that she lives alone and her kids are grown and moved out. Also, once DH’s cousins were in middle or high school, they hated having to rely on a parent to drive them anywhere for in-person social interactions.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha, you’re so right, 2,000 sq ft around here is probably not the same consideration as somewhere in the Midwest or South! And we found a house built in the 1970s, so basically a new build to “real New Englanders”!
AwayEmily says
We prioritized kid-friendly. We live in a LCOL city in an 1800-square-foot house. This is definitely a know-yourself thing…I really don’t like driving, so am super excited that the elementary school is within walking distance. I also love that we regularly run into families/kids we know on the local playground, etc. In this area many people who work in the city move to the suburbs “for the schools” (our city elementary is wonderful but I suspect many people are not comfortable with the fact it is majority-minority), so living in the city has also been a good way of meeting other people who share our values.
Anon Lawyer says
Same sort of set-up here, except a MCOL city and 1600 sq. ft. I absolutely love it – we can walk to coffee shops and restaurants and little shops (obviously not as useful right now), the elementary school is across the street one way and a nice park with a playground and a community center is across the street the other way. I absolutely love seeing the same people and feeling like a part of a community, which is not something I felt pre-kid in a busy city. Also it would drive me nuts to constantly be getting into and out of the car.
octagon says
I will always prioritize walkability because I like walking, but also in a snowstorm it’s nice to be able to walk to a convenience store for bread in a pinch. Our ‘hood is your first one, lots of kids running around, and it has another benefit I haven’t seen mentioned: babysitters. There are tons of teenagers here, and we know their parents and trust them. It’s also great to have a teenager who can walk 3-4 blocks home at the end of a night without one of us having to drive them.
Momofthree says
Completely agree on the importance of walkability. DH and I were both raised in the suburbs and both did not want to have to get in our car to do every.single.errand. I had to bike for 20-30 min or drive for 10 to get anywhere growing up and it was not worth it.
We have 3 kids in a 3 bedroom and besides the toy/book explosion, it’s working well for us & it forces us to be ruthless about what we want to keep & what to get rid of. Stuff stresses us both out though so this is a positive.
A few other thoughts: 1) there’s a very active group list so you can get so much stuff second hand 2) we have a lot of playgrounds so my kids always have a choice where to play (I’ve heard backyard swingsets can get boring) 3) My kids strike up conversations with other kids out walking & it’s a bit of forced socialization 4) we have very little lawn/yard maintenance (this was intentional)
Anonanonanon says
100% smaller house in neighborhood. Signed, family of 4 in 1100 sq ft.
We, like the rest of the world, had the pandemic-induced “WE NEED MORE HOUSE” freakout, but talked ourselves out of it. Instead, I got a decorator that specializes in small spaces and it has been a huge help!!
Patricia Gardiner says
Ooh, can you share more about this decorator and what kinds of things she recommended? It may be too late today so I may try asking again tomorrow :)
Small home/great neighborhood says
Smaller house/walkable neighborhood here. At least with a little kid, this choice has been a blessing *especially* during the pandemic. I know there’s been some sentiment that people aren’t getting the same value from their walkable neighborhoods during Covid, but for us (while we’re admittedly not walking to eat in restaurants) it’s been wonderful–we walk to the pplayground for our kid to play; to the park to see friends; to the bakery to pick up a couple of pastries to eat outside or at home; to the bigger park with miles of paths to hike (inside the city!) with the kid in alternating in a carrier and walking or to do a long stroller walk where the kid can take walk and playground breaks; to pick up takeout. On lots of those walks, we run in to other kids and caregivers that our kid knows from his daily park trips with our nanny (this part has been a big and very welcome surprise–we really like the feeling of community within the big city where we live). If we lived in a more driving-focused place, the friction on all of the above activities would be higher; I’m sure we’d still do them but less frequently and easily, and I suspect I’d feel a lot more cooped up.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? When they get to older elem and middle school, can they bike/walk to places (playgrounds, schools, gas station for snacks, adjacent neighborhoods) with friends in the town with larger homes? Kids don’t really need a “walkable downtown” so much as they need a place they can go with their friends, alone. In my town (10 min drive everywhere) we have a rail trail through our town that my kids can pick up and bike for miles, picking up friends from other areas of town. If they ride long enough, they land in a CVS shopping center and go nuts buying overpriced candy. But that’s like, a full day of biking.
If your kids are young (baby-5) and you or DH will be home when them during the day and/or a nanny will be home with them, walkability/stroller-ability is really nice. Take a good look at the backyards, though. In the more “walkable” towns, you walk to playgrounds. In the areas with more land/bigger houses, you have a play structure in the back yard.
If you happen to be looking in Boston burbs, I have more detailed advice!
Anon Lawyer says
Can someone talk to my about late talkers? My daughter is 16 months and only says “mama.” But she seems to understand everything – she can follow multistage instructions and I’ll just say something casual that we haven’t worked on and she’ll do whatever it is. (E.g., my mom the other day handed her an empty cup and said “can you put this on the little table in the kitchen?”) and she wandered into the kitchen and put it on the coaster on that little table. She also hasn’t been in daycare due to Covid – my parents have been doing childcare. So I feel like maybe the people she’s around just know what she means when she points at something and grunts and hasn’t had a lot of incentive to talk.
But am I kidding myself? Everyone keeps telling me about how their young toddler is talking up a storm, so I’m starting to wonder if I’m just deluding myself. Ped wasn’t worried at her 15-month appointment – said we’d check in on it at her 18 month.
Anon says
I’m not a doctor but I think this is very normal and not being in daycare is a HUGE factor. My kid didn’t really start talking until she went to daycare, and our ped said this was very common. A parent or nanny is generally more focused on them and more responsive to the various points and grunts they make so they see no reason to talk. Fwiw, my kid had only a few (maybe 3-5?) words right before she started daycare at 15 months. She gained probably a few new words a week once she was in daycare but the real explosion came right before 18 months (which is also when she started walking so she was kind of late on both, which was extra worrying). Despite starting to talk late, she was relatively early to use full sentences, speaking in very complete sentences well before her second birthday. Now she is 3 and never stops talking and constantly astounds me with the words she knows. It sounds like your daughter’s receptive language skills are very good for her age – being able to follow multistage instructions at 16 months is definitely early – so I wouldn’t worry.
Anon says
i posted below about my twins who don’t go to daycare, so i don’t know that daycare necessarily has anything to do with it. obviously they are a sample size of 2, but they were home with a nanny and began talking months apart. they were both spoken to the same amount, etc.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s a rule that kids who don’t go to daycare talk late, but anecdotally I know several people whose kids didn’t talk much until daycare and my ped said she sees it a lot that daycare leads a previously quiet kid to a language explosion. My theory is that some kids need an incentive to talk and for those kids daycare can provide the incentive, as compared to a parent or nanny who is responding to their non-verbal cues more than a daycare teacher can. Some kids are self-motivated to talk and will do it early even in the absence of an incentive. I definitely have a kid who needs incentives. We saw this with other developmental milestones too. She didn’t walk until she was almost 18 months and it was pretty clear to me that it was because she was a speed crawler and saw zero need to walk when she could get everywhere by crawling. She didn’t even stand up until after she’d started daycare at 15 months and it was pretty clear it was the other kids that motivated her to stand because she wanted to get on their level.
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, mine was motivated to walk but slow to crawl because she was already cruising so well. I have noticed how good we all are at responding to her non-verbal communication, so I do think it might be a factor for her. Thanks!
Anon says
I’ve written on here before so sorry for the repeat, but my perfectly healthy, intelligent now 6 year old didn’t say his first real word until he was 26 months old. He was on track developmentally every other way. He was also in daycare with a lot of other kids, so not being around other kids was not a factor, and may not be for you either.
My understanding is 16 months is too young to seriously worry or do anything about it, in line with what your ped is saying. 18 months seems about right to start at least talking about options, but even then in my memory we were recommended to not start taking concrete action until 2 years. First we had to do some hearing tests to rule that out as an issue. Then we finally started seeing a speech therapist around 28 months. Your ped should help you with steps and options. In our case, we only had to go a few months until he started catching up, but it was impossible to tell if that was due to the therapist, the fact that he started preschool in this timeframe, or simply maybe was the age he just personally developmentally needed to get to to get there. Of course, longer may be necessary for some and there are resources through the school system for as early as 3 years old.
Good luck! Yours is still young enough where this may work itself out before you even get to the stages above.
Anon says
I know someone who didn’t talk until 3 and now he’s a math PhD so obviously intelligence was not an issue. In fact I think there are some studies that super genius is correlated with very late talking. But the vast majority of kids who aren’t talking at 16 months will talk within a few months. I think my ped said even for kids who aren’t talking at 18 months, it’s only 1 in 100 kids that has a deeper issue that needs “fixing.” So this isn’t really the likely scenario for OP’s kid.
Anon says
That’s fair. I was just trying to a) make her feel better by giving an example of an even later talker and b) give the highlights of what our path looked like, in case it’s a path she has to go down (sometimes my anxiety is helped by knowing the basic just-in-case future steps). Also to illustrate that the steps we did take were all much later than 16 months, so she shouldn’t be frustrated or second guessing that the ped isn’t recommending more action now (or even if they don’t at 18 months).
I agree, my understanding is also that a lot of the 18 month olds not talking still work themselves out. That is why we weren’t able to start anything concrete until 2. I’m assuming they don’t want a ton of 18 month olds and their parents unnecessarily using up the very finite resources that are available for the slightly older set that actually need intervention (and of course causing themselves – the parents – unnecessary stress and logistic handling). In the heat of the moment though I remember not really getting that, and being a little frustrated that we couldn’t start earlier, so I thought it would help to know that not intervening yet is normal.
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks – it is helpful context to have!
Anon says
My husband was a late talker; he was tenured and running his academic department by age 35. Kiddo isn’t talking yet and I’m not worried, since he seems to understand everything.
havethetshirt says
My kid is 2.5 and was a late talker. She spoke ~20 words at 2 so we ended up in speech therapy, from which we expect to graduate soon. I think there were two issues. First, I was always trying to speak to her in complete sentences, instead of breaking things down into shorter phrases. Watching the speech therapist work with her dramatically changed how I tried to speak to her. Second, she was just a late bloomer. Some milestones were fast for her, some, like speaking, were slow. The daycare folks told me that they expected a few words (like her classmate’s names) at 1.5 so I wouldn’t worry yet.
Anonymous says
It’s certainly in the normal range but if she gets what she wants without using any words, it removes the incentive to use words. Language that a child understands is called ‘receptive language’ and language that they say is called ‘expressive language’. It sounds like her receptive language is quite advanced but her expressive language is further behind – we had the same issue with my daughter. The speech language pathology program at our local hospital uses this program to encourage kids with It helps parents and caregivers learn how to adapt how they talk to the child to encourage the child to talk more. Very simple stuff but not obvious unless you know how language acquisition works. We did the course, she improved her expressive speech and we never ended up needing any speech language sessions (which is the goal of the program). I liked the book, DH preferred the DVD. You can use both or either. http://www.hanen.org/Programs/For-Parents/It-Takes-Two-to-Talk.aspx
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks. It looks like that book is expensive/out of print, but I ordered something that seems to follow a similar approach. I’d be interested to learn more about language acquisition anyway.
Anon says
My daughter was similar. She consistently hit the minimum number of words to avoid interventions but was always at the very low end of what was expected. Now at 7 she’s a normal kid. She still isn’t chatty and tends to get her point out in as few words as possible; meanwhile my 4 yo talks incessantly to herself and others.
I suspect that my 7 yo does find it more challenging to put her thoughts into words than other kids and sometimes gets frustrated with herself, but she’s ahead in other ways and still falls within all norms when tested. She’ll likely end up a STEM major like her dad.
Anon says
so i have twins and a nanny. twin A has not stopped cooing since the day she was born and had a fairly decent number of words by 18 months and by 2 was really talking up a storm. twin B on the other hand, had very few words by 18 months and still wasn’t talking that much by 2 in comparison to twin A. our pediatrician said both are normal. i would not worry at 16 months. i have a baby book for both kids that goes slightly longer than baby, so I just checked the dates and twin A said first words at 14 months and started talking a lot more after that. twin B did not say first words until 2.5 months later and didn’t really start talking until 2 months after that. now at almost 3, both talk a lot, though twin A still likes to narrate everything she does and is easier to understand than twin B, but i still think they are both probably in the range of normal. one blessing of having fraternal twins (and a great pediatrician) is that the range of normal is something i live and breathe every day. sometimes it makes me worry that one is behind (as twin A took first steps 2 months after twin B), but it is also a reminder that there really is a very wide range of what is normal. as long as you read to her and talk to her, i bet she’ll be fine. though obviously ask your pediatrician at her 18 month appointment
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks – that is interesting about twins giving you the range of normal! I know that range exists and try to be chill about it, but it’s somewhat against my natural temperament (which I’m sure is true for many women on this board!).
Anon says
We got referred for early intervention at 2.5 for an expressive language delay. My kid had maybe 10 words at that point, only 5 of which she would use with frequency, and mostly communicated by pointing, tugging, pulling and otherwise physically showing you what she wanted. Very, very frustrating for all involved. She is an only child with a SAHD who doesn’t talk much; we actually put her in part-time preschool at 2 as well to see if that would jump start the expressive language (it did not). Her receptive language (understanding what others say) was very advanced. She’s now 3.5, still getting services for what became apparent (once she started talking enough for it to be noticeable) as a speech sound production delay, but we finally got that verbal “explosion” everyone else seems to experience in the 12-18 month range at around 2.5. Now she’s a chatterbox and (mostly) comprehensible, even if she’s still dropping syllables in ways that are not developmentally appropriate for her age (which we are obviously working on). So I would re-evaluate at 18 months, and maybe again at 2, and then seek out an assessment if you’re not seeing the progress you would expect. My pediatrician’s general rule of thumb prior to 2 was that as long as she is progressing, he was happy, even if it was slower or behind what I thought was “normal”.
DLC says
All three of my children were late talkers. My eighteen month old currently gets by with pointing, grunting, and a few signs. No words. A few consonants. With my other two kids, going to a larger daycare setting helped immensely with their language.
If you are truly worried, you can maybe look into your ped getting a referral for having your child assessed to make sure it’s not something else, like a hearing issue. Our county does assesssments for free. Our child language level qualified for speech services through our county but we have declined for now because I’m pretty low intervention (read: lazy and couldn’t deal with the thought of weekly appointments) and she meets or exceeds all other developmental milestones.
Our pediatrician did express some concern that we may miss the optimal window of language acquisition from the standpoint of brain plasticity (basically 18-24 months) so I might consider having her reassessed in a month or two.
For now, we just try to model sounds and name things whenever possible for our child and have faith that things will work itself out.
It is hard not to compare children, but there is such a wide range for “normal” that I feel like I just have to trust my gut and my pediatrician rather than what other kids are doing.
JDMD says
Our son didn’t say a single word besides “quack” until he was nearly 37 months, and then he started speaking in complete sentences a few weeks after his 3rd birthday. He communicated by pointing and with self-invented sign language. He qualified for early intervention with a speech therapist at 24 months, which was fun and reassuring but didn’t really help much with expressive language. All his other developmental milestones were met, and his comprehension was excellent — he followed complex commands, correctly sequenced six cards showing scenes from a story, accurately pointed to letters of the alphabet, etc. He just wouldn’t speak out loud. And if we tried to coax him into speaking (for example, we said he needed to say ‘milk’ rather than sign it), he would roll his eyes and walk away.
He’s almost 5 now, taught himself to read six months ago, does his sister’s 1st grade math problems. He still has a hard time with “L” and “R”, but otherwise his expressive speech is fine.
I hope that’s helpful. I was definitely worried, but the speech therapist was really reassuring that he’d talk when he was ready…which is exactly what happened.
Anonymous says
Also – keep in mind that 2 months is more than 10% of her total time on earth!! My best friend’s LO was exactly where your daughter is at 16 months (except she only said Dada and an abbreviation of her nanny’s name, with no word for mom!) She then had an language explosion hit and by 20 months i could get the gist of what she was communication via Facetime.
Anon says
Yeah two months is an eternity in kids this age.
Anon says
Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom on getting through a marital rough patch? We’re coming up on 6 years and the last few months have been really tough on our marriage. Nothing specific has happened to cause it – it’s a confluence of having a second baby during a pandemic, having very limited outside support/help/interaction and taking Covid extremely seriously, postpartum depression for me, and work stress for the both of us all piling up and we just can’t seem to get along. Almost every interaction when we’re alone spirals into an argument or a conflict. I’m in therapy but can’t quite get my husband onboard with going alone or as a couple yet. I feel confident that we’ll eventually get through it and we’re committed to our marriage and our family and each other, but I’m also having a hard time seeing how we actually get from here to a good place again. We both recently got our first vaccines, so hopefully that helps restore some semblance of normalcy, but if anyone has been here and clawed their way back, I’d really appreciate you sharing your experience. Thanks in advance.
Anon says
i think what you are experiencing is common after the birth of a second child, particularly during a pandemic. i know you said your husband is resistant to therapy – but does he have the same perception that whenever you are alone it spirals into argument/conflict? there have been times in our marriage where i feel like that too, but when i mention it to DH, he is like “what are you talking about” – though obviously my perception matters, so we’ve done things to address that. DH and I have also done couples counseling which helped a lot for us. are you arguing about big things or silly little things? it sounds like you are both just exhausted, which makes sense under the circumstances. and could likely both use some time alone independently and some time together. what is your childcare situation like right now? is there a way for you guys to have a day date?
Anonymous says
I don’t have a happy story but just commiseration that I’m in the same boat and I don’t even have the excuse of a pandemic baby or postpartum depression. Vaccines haven’t helped as much as I thought they would. I’m happier as an individual now that I have more options for self-care and more real world contact with people, but I don’t really feel like much has changed in our marriage. He’s resistant to couples counseling and I haven’t yet found a therapist for myself. I know I need to do that.
Anonymous says
1. Ted Talk by Stan Tatkin ‘Relationships are Hard, But why?’ – this really resonated with my DH – it’s short.
2. Commitment to prioritize marriage – for us that includes a date night every Saturday night no matter how many chores have to be left undone. Just two hours – we make fancy drinks and watch a movie or play strip poker or in Before Times – we left the house for a date at least once a month.
3. Really both making an effort to lead with kindness. We stumble a lot on this but you just have to keep trying to be kind to the other person in how you deal with them. We each try to take a deep breath and count to five before saying something that’s critical. We’re both trying, this pandemic is hard AF and we’re just focusing on the effort, not the perfection.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Any one of those things you mentioned (second baby, work stress, a global pandemic) is going to lead to stress on your marriage and all of those at once, plus the lack of help when there is literally too much for two people to do is absolutely going to lead to stress. I find that I tend to take out my stress or irritation on my husband because I can’t really yell at my boss or coworkers, yelling at my kids is not ideal and he’s the closest person to me, who I ultimately know will still love me. At the end of the day, I like to think of us as a team against the world (yes, even the kids in terms of taking care of them and trying to raise them) and we’re stronger together. Date nights as well as couples trips when we’re not acting as just mom and dad help. Can you get more childcare/housework help now? Trying to do it all with 2 small kids is really really hard on your own.
CPA Lady says
The Gottman book “The Relationship Cure” is blessedly short and very helpful in giving you a common language/framework to understand what is going on, and aiming you both towards a healthy happy relationship. It’s kind of a refresher course in how to not be a d&ck to your spouse. The techniques in the book can be applied to any relationship too, not just a marital one. It’s great for your exact situation, where you want the marriage to succeed, but you’re constantly at each other’s throats over petty stuff and you just need a reset.
Walnut says
Honestly, it seems like you know the stressors in your relationship, because you just listed them all out. What can you do to introduce support systems back into your life? It seems like that might be step one to reducing stress.
Anonymous says
Doing nothing is not going to make it better. Our relationship came to a head about a year ago (or maybe the peak was at 9 months ago), but absolutely did not improve until we saw a couple’s counselor. I’d ask your partner to define when he would go to couple’s counseling. See what his reservations are (mine had “therapy” reservations in general, but was sold after ~3 sessions). TBH, I put my foot down after “vague discussions” for a couple of months and said couple’s was required for me to continue our relationship — not because I wanted to blow it up, but because I was tired of the miscommunications, the snapping, everything. I framed it in the “Our relationship is incredibly important to me, and it’s not working for me right now. I need this for us.” kind of way. My therapist was able to help me wordsmith, and I recommend you ask yours to help with wording the request, and with addressing your husband’s concerns (not bringing him to sessions, just take notes and relay and workshop it — that’s what I did).
The first ~3 months of weekly sessions were kind of brutal – we were (still) not communicating well. Overall, our relationship has greatly improved in 9 months and I no longer stress-search for apartments.
JDMD says
Our son didn’t say a single word besides “quack” until he was nearly 37 months, and then he started speaking in complete sentences a few weeks after his 3rd birthday. He communicated by pointing and with self-invented sign language. He qualified for early intervention with a speech therapist at 24 months, which was fun and reassuring but didn’t really help much with expressive language. All his other developmental milestones were met, and his comprehension was excellent — he followed complex commands, correctly sequenced six cards showing scenes from a story, accurately pointed to letters of the alphabet, etc. He just wouldn’t speak out loud. And if we tried to coax him into speaking (for example, we said he needed to say ‘milk’ rather than sign it), he would roll his eyes and walk away.
He’s almost 5 now, taught himself to read six months ago, does his sister’s 1st grade math problems. He still has a hard time with “L” and “R”, but otherwise his expressive speech is fine.
I hope that’s helpful. I was definitely worried, but the speech therapist was really reassuring that he’d talk when he was ready…which is exactly what happened.