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Burnt orange is not normally my color, but something about this ponte knit blazer is calling my name. Love the classic details like the slant pockets and crisp lapels, as well as the less traditional details, like the ruching on the sleeves (i.e., they stay scrunched). It’s on a great discount, too at Sierra Trading: was $98, now $32. Anthracite R Ponte Knit Blazer
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
TBK says
Does anyone have experience with a late talker? My guys are all over the map on milestones but Twin A has been very late on gross motor and speech. We have a physical therapist for him and just this last week, at 18 months, he’s suddenly walking everywhere — yay! But when we had him evaluated before we got the PT, they also found a speech delay, but he was ahead on neurological development and normal on social/emotional and fine motor. He’s getting a hearing test tomorrow, but if you say “where are your ears” or “where’s your tummy” or “where are your eyes” he points to the right body part. It seems if it were a hearing problem, he wouldn’t be able to distinguish “ears” from “eyes.” Mostly he seems entirely uninterested in language. Twin B is totally, 100% language focused. He spends every second pointing at things, getting adults to name them for him. Meanwhile, A would prefer to look at books by himself and is really non-response to language. For example, if I say to B “do you want this book or this book for bedtime?” B will point to the one he wants. A, however, just claps and makes noises but doesn’t really move toward either book. He’s very affectionate and loves to lie in my lap, or pulls on my pants to be picked up, loves making eyes at all the women when we’re out in public and getting smiles from them. But he just seems to not only have no interest in communication, he just doesn’t seem to recognize when I’m talking to him (but then he’ll put his fingertips together to ask to sing “itsy-bitsy spider” and he does all the hand motions for it). Just totally puzzled. We do plan to separate the boys more on the weekends, each of us having alone time with each twin, just because B will totally dominate all adult attention if he’s in the room, leaving A to kind of do his own thing. But if anyone had a toddler who sounded like my A, would love to hear your experience.
Meg Murry says
It sounds like Twin B is communicating, just with hand gestures, not words (especially since he will point and do Itsy-Bitsy Spider). Some kids just take to that better/first, which is why there has been a push toward teaching baby signs to help pre-verbal kids communicate. I highly recommend the Signing Time DVDs for you, and your au pair as a resource to help teach him to communicate (my kids still use the signs for milk, more and all done, sometimes more subconsciously than anything, I think)
My kids were relatively late talkers, and the oldest has a diagnosed hearing impairment (but we didn’t know it until he was older). Because of our experience with the older one, we can tell when the younger one isn’t hearing as well (I think when he has a cold or allergy his ears get stuffy) but his results on the hearing tests have been mixed, partially because at that age it’s hard to tell if they aren’t hearing or if they are bored.
I wonder, being twins, if this is similar to second child syndrome. It is common for younger siblings to talk later, or to use baby talk for longer, because the older child will talk for them or interpret their baby talk. I know this happened with my younger sister – she would say to the baby sitter “bebibberator. Hungy” and then it was my job to say “she is saying she is hungry and wants something from the refrigerator”. I had to be taught not to be so “helpful” and to let her struggle to communicate with other adults so she learned to get her point across to someone besides just me and my parents. Maybe Baby A is just being more passive, and is used to just letting his brother pick out the books or whatever.
Also, FYI, as far as the “point to your eyes, point to your ears” thing, it is possible you are either subconsciously cuing him with your facial expressions, or that he has slightly learned to read lips – in our hearing screening we saw that, because when the audiologist covered her mouth he couldn’t distinguish between “point to the block” and “point to the clock”, which he did correctly when he could see her mouth. But don’t armchair diagnose – let the audiologist do it, but even if he gets a clear screen this time you may want to have him checked every year or two (in our case, it’s part of the screening before kindergarten as well) just to make sure – becuase like I said, for this littlest kids it’s hard to tell beyond the most severe hearing losses. In my older son’s case, he has hearing loss only over certain frequencies (of course, unfortunately, the ones that the human voice encompasses are the worst) and far more severe in one ear than another, so the earlier screenings probably wouldn’t have caught it until he was old enough to follow the directions for the test where they play different frequency beeps.
It’s also just possible he is doing his milestones slightly out of order, and right now most of his developmental energy is going toward getting his PT/walking skills up to par. Kids growth isn’t linear and even – it tends to happen in bursts of one skill and then another, so being at or ahead on one skill could be why he’s slightly behind on another milestone.
Amalah has some really good info on speech delays on her blog and Alphamom (her son’s speech delays turned out to be related to more complicated issues, so don’t freak out if you read further and see stuff about ADHD and ASD – speech delay is not always related to a bigger issue, more often it is just a delay) – I really like the advice on this post http://alphamom.com/parenting/baby/what-to-do-when-you-suspect-your-child-is-speech-delayed/
One other piece of info I picked up from her blog – if possible, don’t let your kid be “graduated out” of Early Intervention because they are doing so well. Because if it turns out they start to fall behind again in preschool (because they aren’t getting the directed interventions that helped them catch up and “graduate”) you have to start all over with diagnostics and screening, and it’s way easier to keep your kid in EI than it is to qualify an older child.
TBK says
Thanks! At their 18 mo well-baby visit, the doctor did say that it sounded like A was acting kind of like a second child — like your sister. A could very easily get along in life just riding in B’s wake. Even when they were tiny, A rarely cried. He might start, but then B would pick it up and that kid could WAIL so once B started, A would stop and just kind of lie there waiting to be fed. Why bother crying if B is doing all the work?
EP-er says
Both of my kids were late talkers. Now they talk constantly — I swear it is true! But like our Early Intervention program says: Don’t Worry, but Don’t Wait. 18 months seems a little young to be concerned, but since there are already other delays, it is a good idea. I do have a friend with 4 year old twins and one is still non-verbal.
My son didn’t talk until he was almost 3. We started the hearing/evaluations after his 2 year well baby when he didn’t have any words. He was a preemie, so they were concerned. We did weekly sessions with the speech therapist until he was 3 and a half. (My friend that is a speech pathologist jokes that at such a young age it is really speech therapy for the parents — because you get a lot of training on what to do at home!) Our goal was communication — not speech — in the beginning, so that we could deal with the frustrations. It was a lot of signing for the first 6 months. And, something that was hard for me, I had to work on not anticipating needs. Like the cup of milk doesn’t magically appear because I knew he was thirsty. He had to ask for it. I personally learned a lot about parenting and speech during those sessions.
So when my daughter showed up at /her/ two year well baby with no words, I knew the drill. The pediatrician was more concerned since girls are usually verbal earlier. I was already signing with her and what not. She was only in speech therapy for 9 months. Her personality is more shy and reserved, but once she warms up and gets going — it is fun.
How are you managing the therapy sessions? I would try to leave work and have the caregiver meet me at therapy, then just skip lunch. It was okay with just one session a week, but when it increased, I had to let go a little and let someone else take my son. It was an additional complication as a working mom I didn’t expect! Good luck with the evaluations.
TBK says
He does his PT with the au pair. It’s kind of amazing — the therapist comes right to our house and the cost through the county is laughably small (we tried to pay more because they used last year’s tax return — when I was at home and my husband was making a lot less than he makes now — but no dice). So I try to work from home once a month and go to the session, but otherwise my au pair handles it then she gives me a re-cap in the evening and demonstrates the exercises for me. She’s extremely diligent about making sure he gets his PT every day! (Better even than I am about fitting it in on the weekends.)
POSITA says
I don’t know if this helps, but we started getting animal sounds out of our late talker well before she was using real words. She also like copying siren noises for fire trucks and police cars.
We also had lots of luck with baby signs. She even invented several of her own before she had the words. It really helped her make the link that she could communicate.
TBK says
I’ve been signing to them since they were six months and B will sign “more” and “milk” but A doesn’t seem at all interested. He does make animal noises, though. He’s great at sheep, snake, owl, and monkey!
POSITA says
I’d keep it up! There’s a ton of language stuff that develops in their little heads between 18 months and 2.5 years. You never know when it will start to click. We’ve been amazed at how so much language seems to come in sudden leaps.
POSITA says
To elaborate, at 18 months my daughter had 3 words if you counted animal sounds. At 2 years she had fewer than 20 words including a few animal sounds she substitutes for words. The doctor thought she needed to be evaluated. At 25 months she could recite the last rhyming word to every verse of Goodnight Moon unprompted. She can also recite chunks of the book Go, Dog, Go. She’s probably gained 100 words in two weeks.
Outsource says
My son had a language explosion after starting preschool at 2 years and 2 months. We were about to go in for an evaluation, and then he started preschool and words just flew out. Turns out, he knew all his colors, animals, etc. The doctor thought it was due to having caregivers who knew him so well (he had one nanny until he went to school), so there was less of a need to speak to get his needs met. He was in a routine with people who knew what he needed mostly. After he started preschool and realized he had to verbalize to get what he needed, the floodgates opened.
That said – trust your gut! No harm in evaluating if it would make you feel better.
TBK says
That’s good to hear. We plan to have them start preschool next year (at 2 1/2) mostly for that kind of exposure to other kids. We love having them at home with the au pair, but we sometimes wonder if they’re missing out by not being in daycare.
mascot says
Don’t second guess yourself too much on this. My son had been in daycare from 3 months old and still didn’t talk much at 2. By 3, he had lots of words, but was hard to understand so we started speech therapy. Which is still ongoing at 5 even though this child does.not.stop.talking.
Like most skills, it comes in fits and starts all on a child’s own timeline and somewhat independent of their childcare arrangement.
Outsource says
Agree!! Definitely don’t second guess yourself. Our nanny set-up was awesome for our little guy. He was a bit of a special snowflake emotional kid, and that extra attention/comforting routine was great for him. By the time he started preschool, he was ready to just absolutely rock at it. I viewed it as a great thing that he got extra attention and the comfort of home as a little guy – so much so that his needs were met – and we then encouraged his independence as he got a little older.
Anonymous says
One of mine was a late talker. She met all her other milestones and had excellent listening comprehension. I repeated over and over that I wouldn’t worry until she was three years old (I read that somewhere a child isn’t truly delayed until then…) and sure enough, language explosion at ~2.5 years. It’s been about a year and you’d never know. She’s ‘advanced’ in preschool and already further along with learning to read than older sister (early and constant talker) was at this age.
It would have been pretty obvious anyway, but there was a another girl in her daycare room with the same birthday who was an insanely early and advanced speaker, so I had to constantly field comments comparing the two. It’s hard when there’s such an obvious comparison to remember what’s early and what’s late.
NewMomAnon says
I started worrying about language at around 18 months too – my kiddo had about ten signs and/or words but everyone had told me to expect a huge explosion of words, and it wasn’t happening. Fast forward two months and I swear, she learns new words every day (last night she busted out “I like that” and my heart melted). Her words are at times unintelligble still, and sometimes only I recognize them, so listen hard to see if your little guy has some “mutterings” that are actually attempts at words. I wouldn’t worry for a couple months at least, especially since he seems attentive to your language just not inclined to join in.
I think it’s a great idea to separate your little guys, and some of the tips here are great about not anticipating needs, making him ask for what he wants, letting him be frustrated by not getting what he wants (so hard to do as a parent!), and emphasizing sign language in addition to talking. Baby vocabulary books have been really good for us too; we have a couple “Baby’s First Word” and “Baby Signs” books and it’s fun to have my kiddo hunt for the pictures and see that she has learned a new one.
Anonymous says
My son was a late talker– at 2 years and 2 months he said basically nothing, but he could communicate basic stuff with baby sign language. Now, he is 2.5 and it is incredible how different he is– he talks up a storm and can speak in basic sentences. He was also a late walker and a late stand-er. Because he has a visual impairment, we had OT and speech-language therapy and whatnot provided by the state, but it really doesn’t seem like any of the therapy did anything and it seems like he was just slow to develop. So I won’t say that you shouldn’t worry, but you should know that a large minority of children are just late talkers and it is what it is.
I found the book “Late-Talking Children: A Symptom or a Stage?” to be helpful for peace of mind back when I was most anxious about his delays.
Anon says
I like this color a lot, and I have loved the knit blazers I’ve purchased over the last year. They are just the right amount of polish for my business casual office, enough structure but still comfortable–I am a fan!
As for things I’m not a fan of, I need to vent about my mother-in-law (and I apologize for kicking off the comments with my grumpiness). My MIL is completely clueless about what it’s like for me and my husband, both working full-time, demanding jobs, active in multiple volunteer roles in the community, with a 3yo who just started a preschool that has required parent volunteer hours, a puppy–oh, and I’m 7mos pregnant. She, by contrast, has not worked since my husband was in elementary school, she lives in a gated golf community in Florida, and her most pressing obligations are the occasional yoga class and shopping.
She has plans to visit us for Christmas, shortly after my due date, and then decided she also wants to come before then, sometime in the fall! Another family member, whom we wouldn’t be able to see at Christmas, will come along, so that’s the only reason this other visit is remotely tolerable, in my mind. So at the end of July we gave her TWO weekends that would work, in all of August, September, and October. MIL chose an upcoming weekend. She will stay with us (and complain, as usual–nightstand is not the right height, not enough outlets in the bathroom, etc.), but the other family member prefers to stay in a hotel.
Well, my husband is texting me this morning because the preferred hotel is booked and WE need to find another option ASAP–apparently he has been tasked by his mother with reserving the room. Like we don’t have enough to do and they haven’t known about this for months! Meanwhile I’m fielding late meeting invites and trying to figure out if he can be home in time to relieve the nanny or if I need to check whether she can stay late that day, being inundated with emails for all the various volunteer obligations going on this fall, spending time on here complaining instead of knocking out my to-do list so I can leave a bit early at lunchtime today and go volunteer at my kid’s school, and I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep and I’m tired and need to clean my house.
As I type all this out, it seems silly to get upset over a hotel reservation, but it’s just so typical of her! And I’m frustrated and overwhelmed and on edge about seeing her anyway–did I mention that when she arrived two days before my c-section with my first baby, she greeted me with, “Hey fatso! Now you can call me skinny!” ?? (Those were truly the first words out of her mouth as I stood to greet her. She’d just lost a bunch of weight and thought that was a funny way to say hi, I guess.) A small, mean part of me suspects she only wanted to come while I was pregnant to gawk at my body again.
Ugh. Sorry for the novel. I cannot stand her and just want this visit to be over with.
KJ says
I totally get it. Nothing is as infuriating as someone adding things to your to-do list when you are already maxed out. Is there any reason why your husband just couldn’t say, “Ok, let us know where you will be staying?” I mean, she can’t *make* him/you find a hotel room.
Meg Murry says
I agree with KJ. I mean, if you knew off the top of your head “oh yeah, last time my parents came they stayed at the Hampton on Major Avenue, why don’t you try there” I think that would be polite, but otherwise – not your problem!
Also, I have finally told my husband “your parents are your problem to deal with 90% of the time. I will listen to you gripe, but do not ask me to do tasks [like this] for them – you either have to tell them no yourself or handle it yourself, in a way that is not blaming me”. Luckily my in-laws are only mildly crazy-making, but they are only a few miles away, so that comes with its own set of issues.
Ciao, pues says
The “in a way that’s not blaming me” is so key. My husband used to end phone calls with his parents by saying something like, “Well, gotta go, Ciao needs me to do xyz.” Uh, no I don’t? Why would you say that untrue thing? I told him he had to stop using me as an excuse to get off the phone and own his own actions rather than making me sound like I’m constantly nagging at him. Such a strange impulse.
Eh says
Your MIL is horrible. Based on the “fatso” comment alone, I would write her off as a loss and ignore everything she says and does. If husband wants to make her hotel reservation, fine, but if that is falling on you, I would say no. “I won’t be able to make your reservation, but I’m sure the internet or the phone book will have some other hotels listed.” Period, no more discussion.
It also sounds like you need to hire a cleaning service and quit some volunteer stuff. I would have to really, really love my kid’s school to let her attend something that had “required parent volunteer hours.”
Outsource says
At the risk of sounding obnoxious, this sounds like more of a husband problem. I personally would outsource logistics related to his mother and friend (nanny coverage, hotel, etc.) to him. If it’s not perfect, oh well, it’s not your doing. I just sort of stopped planning everything for my in-laws, and after a few less than ideal visits, husband got the knack of it (still not done how I would have done it, but the visits still work and he is WAY more engaged than if he’s just along for the ride).
Agree with the others – outsource cleaning, if possible.
And finally, the biggest mental health boost I experienced was dialing back (WAY back) on volunteer obligations. Yes, they are important, yes it helps, and YES I feel guilty when I think about all I have when there is so much need out there – but you need to be mentally and physically healthy before you can give out to others. If it helps, hopefully we’ll all have a solid period of time between our kids in high school and retirement, and I plan to win volunteering during that time. Walking away from that guilt helped.
OP Anon says
Thanks for the responses. I do agree this is more my husband’s problem and welcome the reminder…over our 10+ years together, he has gotten much, much better about boundaries with his mother, but we still have issues occasionally. He probably had the time to book the reservation and didn’t protest because he didn’t feel it was worth making it a Thing. I, of course, get hung up on the principle and all my baggage with her comes rolling along for the ride.
I appreciate the advice to outsource more and wish that I could! We have had someone coming to clean every other week but had to cancel because my upcoming (unpaid, except for STD) leave will strain our budget, and there’s really just not room to cut elsewhere.
I am admittedly in over my head with the volunteer stuff, but I committed to everything before I found out I was pregnant. I plan to step back a bit during my leave, so I’ve been trying to see as much through as I can while I still only have one kid. I have been paying a lot of attention to guidance on saying no!
Thanks again. It really was a comfort to know I could log on here and get some helpful perspective.
Clementine says
Ugh. This pregnant lady would be not nearly as nice as you are being, just for the record.
Seriously though, I would classify this as ‘list of things you shouldn’t think about’. Husband goes onto Orbitz.com. Types in City and dates needed. Books first hotel that looks price and location appropriate. DONE. 5 minutes and you just accept that it won’t be good.
You’ve got this. If you can make it through the first trimester with a toddler and a job, you can do anything.
OP Anon says
You are right about getting it done and letting it go–just not worth the energy. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
Pregnant announcement says
Just had our 8 week ultra sound yesterday and things look good. However, I’m terrified and dreading telling my family. I’m sure my parents will be happy, but another family member recently announced her pregnancy and the timing feels wrong. My mom and brother work with this family member and she told them the day her period was late. I often feel left out because this family member is so close with my mom and brother. She just got married in June and it’s been and lost her own mother last spring, so I know my mom works really hard to make her feel like she’s loved and supported. I guess I hope waiting to tell them ( maybe till November ) will make me feel less like an afterthought? Pregnancy has not been kind to my emotions and I have this irrational thought that my mom will not visit me in the hospital bc she’ll be too busy with the other family member’s child. Has anyone felt this way?
Anonymous says
think of it this way: pregnancy aside, your kid will have someone his/her age to hang out with at all family gatherings, for the rest of time! You can get hand-me-downs from this other family member. Your kids’ presents will be awesome because you’ll know what to ask for/ relatives will know what goes over well with the kid that is 3 months older.
Your mom will get to work out the kinks of childcare on the other kiddo and be in prime shape to help with you. Think of this as a way to help you get close(r) to this family member in perhaps a way that your mom and brother already are.
Your mom will love her grandkid, visit you in the hospital, etc. I promise! And congrats!
Pregnant announcement says
Thanks! The kids are actually due two weeks apart! The idea of them playing together makes me so happy! I guess I’m just being a brat about the announcement/ attention. We all live in the same town and I guess it just kills me that my mom and brother aren’t as close with me as they are with her. Also, I’m being extra dramatic while pregnant, but I feel like Im missing out on parental support bc this woman announced at like six days.
Ciao, pues says
My sister announced her pregnancy super early too, while I was also pregnant and waiting to announce at 12 weeks. I felt like she stole my thunder and was super jealous, especially because I live far away from family and she is close. I also recognized that I wasbeing pretty irrational and that was fine, because there is nothing more emotional than being pregnant. Our kids are now a month apart and its really fun to share stories, photos, and recommendations, and I’m so happy they’ll always have each other to play with at family gatherings. All this to say, I’m with you, lady!
Pregnant announcement says
Thanks so much. That was really great to hear. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has had these feelings.
NewMomAnon says
I can totally understand that feeling, and hugs. Once baby comes, I think you will be grateful that you didn’t have to go first – your mom will have just been visiting your other family member in the hospital, so she’ll know the protocols and she’ll be ready for the newborn days and probably more supportive because of it. And you may have a baked-in support network with the other pregnant family member; moms going through the same thing at the same time you do are so valuable. Honestly, I wouldn’t wait until November to tell; your anxiety will just grow and grow. Tell now, and get any potential hurt out of the way ASAP (or find out that you were worried for no reason!).
Pregnant announcement says
Thanks for the hugs and feedback. I know that it’ll all be ok in the end, I’m just dreading the announcement. I almost feel like we’ve been set up for a lifelong competition and I’d like to delay it, I guess? This woman is married to my first cousin- he and I are a year apart, grew up together and I love him to death. That said, he’s really competitive with my husband and I about jobs, homes, cars, and now affection from my parents. I just feel so overwhelmed.
Anon says
For your sanity (and your kids), shut down that competition now. Refuse to participate in it or tolerate any comments. If he makes comments about his job vs. your husband’s job, what his kid did vs. what your’s is doing, refuse to participate. Change the subject and if he won’t let it go, outright tell him it isn’t a competition and you aren’t going to discuss it. It is really hard to compete with someone who refuses to participate.
Pregnant announcement says
Yes! That’s a good idea. Thank you. I must get my husband on board with that too.
Maddie Ross says
Honestly, if they are due two weeks apart, there’s nothing saying right now that yours won’t still be born first!!!
Anonymous says
So true! A friend of mine and I were due on the exact same day. They are almost a full month apart (and were born in different month. Friend was 15 days early and I was 10 days late. Because of school cutoffs they may end up in separate grades!
NewMomAnon says
Is it possible you’re also worrying now about how your relationship with your mom is going to change once you have a baby? My relationships with both parents changed a lot – not in bad ways necessarily, but in ways that required adjustments and new boundary setting. I found it was really helpful to talk with a therapist while I was pregnant to help sort out some of those feelings.
Pregnant announcement says
Yeah, thank you that’s very good advice. I guess bc of the dynamic ( feeling replaced in the daughter role by this women) I was hoping deep down having a baby would bring my mom and I closer. Now I feel just crushed. I should probably talk to someone.
TBK says
I totally understand. I was very hurt several years ago when my dad forgot to call on Christmas because he was too busy with my stepsister’s baby. I wasn’t pregnant at the time, and my stepsister and nephew obviously have a claim to my dad’s attention, but it can feel like someone punched you in the stomach. It sounds like this isn’t really about the baby at all and is more just that you want to be closer with your mom. I don’t know how your schedules etc. work, but could you try to spend more time with her just in general — like “let’s get dinner some night, just us”? Your mom might be focusing more on the other family member because she feels sad that she’s missing her mom (and not sure whether the relative’s mom is a relative of yours and how close, but your mom might be missing the relative’s mom, too), but if you tell her that while you’re happy she’s there for [relative] you’ve been missing your own mom lately, would she feel touched? Most moms I know would be and would immediately reassure their daughters that no one on earth could replace them in their hearts. It sounds like there was something there bothering you already and then pregnancy hormones got a hold of it and WHOA it suddenly explodes in your head. Pregnancy’s a b—ch sometimes.
Pregnant announcement says
Yes. Yes. And yes. Thank you. The irony is that my mom lost her own mom very young so I think that’s part of why they are so close. It’s almost like I don’t have a close relationship with my mom bc I have a mom. Melodramatic, I know. My moms not one for feelings or whining (see tough lady orphaned in her teens) but she’s a warm person and has been very good to this woman. It’s also hard that she and my brother have a business and this woman works with them so they see her every day. She very much has a sister/daughter dynamic with them. I’ve reached out it the past to my mom and brother and we’ve hung out, but it would be hard now with questions re: not drinking. (Sad but it’s our primary pastime)
Meg Murry says
I think another part of it is that since your relative works with your mom, she is always just right there, and you have to go a little more out of your way to communicate with her. My sister and I have a similar relationship with one of our cousin’s – cousin’s bio-dad wasn’t involved at all when she was a kid, and stepdad only came around for a few years and then passed away, so our father has always been a surrogate father to her. But at the same time, she’s on more of a “best behavior” thing around my father, so sometimes it feels like my parents like her better because she doesn’t act like a sulky teenager around them (which my sister and I will admittedly revert to because, well, that’s what happens when we get stressed). So there are times, like when she gets my father a really really ideal birthday present, that my sister and I have to bit back that “crap, he’s going to like her more than us” feeling, because while our brains logically know that, our jealous teenage selves try to rear their heads sometimes.
Also related, cousin tends to just reach out to my father sooner and more often, and my sister and I have had to learn to just step up and ask more, rather than assume. For instance, cousin is more likely to plan things out a few months, which means that when sis or I say “hey Mom and Dad, want to go out to dinner on X date” they will say “oh, sorry, we have plans with Cousin”. And it’s not that Cousin is trying to monopolize them – we just had to learned to be longer term planners too, even if it’s more vague like “ok, lets go out to dinner next month on date” and then iron out the details later, because it’s not like my parents are going to say “oh no Cousin, we don’t want to go out to dinner with you in a few months, because you never know, Meg and her sister might want to do something with us”.
Question: why are you waiting to tell your mother? Are you worried she would blab to the world (like the relative in question)? If you were to have a miscarriage, would you want to tell her? I used that as my limus standard for who to tell before 12 weeks – if I would want them to support me if something went wrong. So while I understand keeping it under wraps, you may want to re-think not telling her if it is going to cause you so much pain and jealousy, and if you are avoiding hanging out with her because of avoiding drinking.
Anonymous says
Thanks meg Murray – your story is a great analogy. I think part of me is scared my mom will yawn and say oh well another baby. I’m scared everyone will think of me as an also-ran. I’m not scared of people knowing about a miscarriage – but I do think some people ( my brother and dad) would be upset by a miscarriage and I’d like to spare them of that. Worse, I’d feel like a failure where this woman succeeded. Finally, when I say they have a mother daughter relationship, this woman is not above my mothers criticism: my mom told me she announced way too early.
mascot says
You’ve built this up in your head as a situation where your mom is choosing her/ her baby over you. That’s not really the case since your mom doesn’t even know you are expecting. No matter how much your mom likes this woman, she’s still going to be thrilled/involved for you/your baby. The hormones are messing with you. Sneaky hormones.
Pregnant announcement says
Thanks for that feedback. I think you’re right.
SC says
I understand. I announced that I was pregnant early (well, actually, the family figured it out when I wasn’t drinking at a family wedding). But a few weeks later, my SIL found out she was pregnant and announced it to the family. She was due two weeks after me. She and BIL moved to our city and moved in with DH’s parents for a few months while they bought their own house, and I felt pretty left out all of a sudden. Even now, SIL and BIL are much, much closer to DH’s parents than we are.
BUT I’ve realized that we’re not as close in part because we don’t want to be. We love my in-laws, but most of the time, we see them about as often as we’d like to, and they’re there for us when we need them. So, instead of comparing, work on developing the relationship you want with your mother.
One bright side is that I’ve become closer to my SIL. Being pregnant at the same time and having babies a few weeks apart has given us something to bond over, when otherwise we might not have much in common. We did some prenatal yoga classes together, and we read some of the same books and compared which “fruit” we were on. And now of course, it’s exciting that our sons will have someone to play with and grow up with.
Pregnant announcement says
Thanks for the feedback. I think, at the end of the day, my moms not really interested in being any closer to me. That’s why we have the relationship we have. This womans relationship with her isn’t the reason for that; it just makes me feel bad. I’m also wondering if delaying the announcement is my way of either getting back at my mom or protecting myself. Thanks for all the feedback everyone! Gonna go google therapists now.
Pregnant announcement says
True! i thought of that.