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Anon says
Another “tell me it will be okay” post! My 4.5 yr old son spent most of his 2s and 3s almost completely unable to hear. With tubes almost a year ago, his hearing immediately improved, and he’s been in intense speech therapy for a year. His speech caught up remarkably fast, so now he’s completely closed the significant delay he initially had. But, clearly, he missed some emotional learning during this time, and is definitely behind on emotional regulation/social stuff, etc. Essentially, he is physically the size and emotional age of a 3 year old, though his speech and chronological age is 4.5. Just for context, other parents will usually remark how articulate he is for 3, then pause, and nod quietly when I say he’s actually 4. On the “strong recommendation” of literally every professional in his life (pediatrician, OT, PT, speech), we’ve already decided to hold him next year, and start K a year late.
Okay, fine. So I’ve had a very relaxed approach to very noticeable differences between him and other 4 year olds (many of whom are younger 4s). But I took him to a classmate’s birthday party yesterday at a local park, and I guess it just made me so disheartened seeing him around a bunch of kids his age. The boys ran around playing an imaginative game, looking a bit like a professional soccer team, while most of the girls participated in an orderly fashion in all the planned activities at the party. He was off by himself, playing imaginary games — he loves fairies and magic, and maybe he played with one other little girl? Once? The parents were talking about how their kids are all starting organized sports, and I was celebrating that he didn’t have a full scale meltdown when it was time to leave. My son has expressed interest in sports, but hasn’t participated in a full class of any activity yet. He usually loses interest, and sits down. I *know* he’s young, and 4 is still really a baby, but man — yesterday felt like I was watching a bunch of big kids, while my son still feels like a 3 year old.
Tell me your stories of your late bloomers catching up … I don’t care what he actually wants to do, I just want him to be able to hang with his classmates :(
Anon says
Some of this may just be personality. There are kids who prefer to do their own thing. It’s ok! But also kids change very fast at this age and it’s totally possible he’ll be more interested in other kids in a few months.
FVNC says
This sounds so hard, and your story brought up a lot of feelings I had (and sometimes still have) about my now 10 yr old. In my child’s case, when she was between 2 and 3, she was diagnosed with severe receptive and expressive speech delay not tied to hearing loss, and social communication disorder. Whenever I hung out with my child without other kids around, her challenges seemed mild; but when I saw her in a group or even just at daycare pickup, I’d see how different she seemed from her peers. We did a lot of speech therapy as well as JAML (joint attention mediated learning) exercises that really helped. Fast forward to now, and she is a quirky fifth grader who loves to read, has a small but close group of friends, and is overall a happy kid.
You’re doing a great job with your son, and if he needs additional support, you’ll be there for him. He’ll find his people. It’s so hard not to compare, so I won’t tell you not to (I still do), but just know you’re not the only one whose child is a late bloomer. Hang in there.
Anon says
Thanks so much for all of these responses. They make me feel better. I have signed him up for little rec classes, and he usually opts out about halfway through. I’m not into pushing, so we have just taken a pause from those for now. He does seem to love gymnastics, though spends most of the class running around, not necessarily participating as requested.
I’m curious how the social communication disorder was diagnosed (OT, PT?)? Or behavior that led to that diagnosis? Thanks – I still feel like he needs more social emotional support, but am not quite sure where he can get it.
FVNC says
Our child fell off the low of end of normal in her ages & stages questionnaire when she was around 18 months. Eventually we got an appointment at a well-known pediatric developmental center which included a two-day evaluation involving SLP, OT, PT and pediatric psychiatrist. We were also incredibly fortunate to be part of an academic research study that administered the JAML exercises over the course of 6-9 months.
anon says
I have a late bloomer. Age-wise, he’s right in the middle for his grade and excels academically. Emotionally, he has always been behind. It can be hard to see your kids’ peers progressing beyond them and knowing that your kid just isn’t ready for the things that everyone else seems to be doing. I don’t have great advice, beyond letting your kid be who he is. My kid is much older now, and while some of the social-emotional gap has evened out, he still tends to mesh better with kids who are 1-2 years younger. It is what it is.
Anon says
If it’s any commiseration – it’s hard and sometimes you can’t win. My kid is the absolute youngest in his class and so many of his grade peers were red-shirted (this is the cohort that should have gone to K in the fall of 2020, and many parents who normally wouldn’t have waited a year did so, and all ended up in my kid’s K class) so it’s hard to explain that those kids are kind of… in the wrong grade? when he feel so much smaller/younger than them. My son is turning 8 the week before he starts third grade and there are kids who are almost 10 and it feels like there is a lifetime between them. We put him in sports with the grade younger and that seems to work well – so maybe see if there is flexibility on activities outside of school where you can put him in things with kids who are at his “level” so to say.
Anon says
is he in class with 4 year olds or 3 year olds? so these were other 4 year olds at a party. i just ran into a friend from our preschool class last year who held her son back and she said it’s amazing what a difference a year makes. he still isn’t interested in sports, but can keep up on the playground etc. it is soooooo hard to watch when you feel like your kiddo is different/behind others. (one of mine is like this too. when she was in the 3s at school the teachers were concerned about her social interactions, and same thing at the beginning of prek4, but by the end of her prek year the teachers thought she was ready for K)
Anon says
My DS #2 is my late-bloomer/does everything on his own timeline. He started walking at 19 months for seemingly no underlying reason (and yes, we paid for a private PT to make this diagnosis).
He is 3.25 and currently in weekly speech therapy for expressive language and articulation, and progressing really well, but there were a few moments at pick-up last week when I saw a few other classmates chattering along to their parents in a more sophisticated way than he does with me, my heart sank. Granted, they were girls, who I know stereotypically are more “advanced” (again, based on outdated gender norms).
I’m thankful he has a post-cutoff birthday and will have a nice cushion of preschool before heading into public kinder. One thing I’ve noticed with him, that gives me some comfort that he will be “ok”, is there are other areas he’s…far “ahead” in. He is obsessed with ABCs and numbers, can make all the phonic sounds (and tell me what letter words start with, or tell me a word that starts with a letter), can count to 30 or so and is always trying to find numbers and letters in the wild.
I also agree with posters that every 6 months for younger kids (my oldest is 6, so I don’t have the lived experience of older kids) there is a huge change. Hang in there. And definitely talk to parents of older/adult kids – they always give me perspective. My cousin was a late-bloomer (potty trained at 4+), was kicked out of at least 2 preschools, had a dx of dyslexia, was partially homeschooled through middle school – and he’s graduating a large, public HS next month and off to a great college. He blossomed in his late elementary/pre-teen years.
Anonymous says
He seems mostly fine! Find a Rec soccer league or t ball or something and sign him up if you want.
Anon says
Another thought – in the long run – being a year “behind” in one way or another seems to matter/be obvious less as kids get older. It just feels a lot more intense in the 0-5 years, probably for a myriad of reasons.
Anon says
OP here — I keep telling myself this, and hoping it’s true. I also have a 9 year old, and there are lots of abilities folded into his peer group, and it’s all fine. The difference between a 3 year old and a 5 year old is stark, however, and that’s what it feels like I’m handling right now.
anon says
Can confirm that this is a good facial sunscreen! My kids will use it without complaint, too.
Play date Etiquette says
Curious what others would do here and apologies for the long post as I am still processing my thinking on this. My 6 year old is in school with another boy that he always describes as “acting wild.” In truth, I think the boy has some significant ADHD-type issues that are a bit more than standard as he has his own paraprofessional in school with him at all times. This boy and my son are friends but sometimes get into “fights” that my son feels very badly about. For example, there was a period my son flat out didn’t want to go to school because this boy was being so mean to him after he didn’t share something with him. My son also picks up a lot of bad habits that I personally don’t love from this boy – certain expressions and rude mannerisms, yelling that he normally doesn’t do, etc. In short, this is not a friend that I enjoy my son spending time with because he usually ends up acting worse immediately after. This boy’s parents are nice people but also don’t seem to have a firm hand on any of this from what I have seen. But he’s also a child and I am certainly not holding anything against him or even his parents as I know it’s all hard. We used to see him mostly in the park by our school but lately have been getting invites for one on one play dates at their place. These are all drop off and I’ve been declining politely as most of the time they also don’t work for our schedule. Yesterday, the mom reached out to me and said that she understood friend was a lot sometimes but that he behaves better one on one at home and he really likes my son, and to please let her know when we could arrange something. I feel awful declining now but also don’t really want to send my son to their house alone and, honestly, don’t have so much time that I can accompany him and just sit there, not that it’s even been offered. I feel like an a—hole continuing to say no, but I also don’t think my son needs to go to anyone’s house just because that’s easier for them. Up till now, most of my kid’s friendships have been easy and organic so this is new territory for me. FWIW, I asked my son and he likes the boy a lot and likes spending time with him – in part he said because this boy also has all the special baseball and Pokémon cards, all the other toys, etc., that my kid wants and is obsessed with but he also makes him feel bad whenever he does not get what he wants such as when my son won’t trade him a Pokémon card he wants or some silliness. Where is the line here between being kind and accepting and just going above and beyond? If this was a child in a wheelchair and his parents invited my son over because that was easiest for them and my son wanted to go, I would find a way to make it work. Is this different because it leads to some hurt feelings and/or acting out? Would appreciate some insights from others, particularly those with kids who may have some behavioral issues for their perspective.
anon says
No advice because, swapping boys for girls, we have an identical situation so I’m eagerly awaiting other responses. Also 6 years old each. I’m leaning toward allowing one visit to see if it really is better in home than at school and because I really do feel so badly for the kid and parents, but then I’m afraid it might open up some sort of expectation that it happened once and could/should happen again even if it goes poorly in our opinion.
Clementine says
Oh man, I relate to both sides of this. On the one hand, my kiddo has ADHD and can just be…a lot. He’s a very active kid who is also just very… I don’t know, durable? And sometimes can be the one who takes things too far. So like, the kids will be wrestling – full consent from all parties – but the other kid often walks away crying. Similarly, kid had some outbursts in school (fun fact! sometimes similar but not the same formulations of ADHD meds can trigger rage outbursts) which were embarrassing to him. Think – throwing his math book on the floor because he missed that the class was on another question.
I am so so thankful for the friendships he has. Kid has an easy time with superficial friendships but deep, close friends have been few and I struggle with that. He always has kids to hang out with but doesn’t get invited to birthday parties (part of that is likely because we were at another school and I don’t know all the parents, but I still am conscious of it).
Similarly though, kiddo has a neighbor kid who is just… kind of a jerk. He loves my kid and is always asking him to play; however, I hate when my kid plays there because he comes back and is also a jerk. He likes to play there because they play video games (allowed but limited here) and kid has cool toys. Neighbor Kid also will only play one on one, so that’s a challenge because we can never have other neighbor friends playing. My solution is to allow for outdoor playdates only. I say, ‘It’s so nice! you need to be outside!’. Really, I know that will limit the time of the playdate and remove some of the pieces that I don’t want happening. Also, it’s true – if it’s nice, they should be outside. It’s tricky though and I feel both sides.
anon says
I’m having a hard time sussing out what your objection is to playdates at the other kid’s house. Clearly you don’t like the other friend and don’t think his parents are handling the situation well, despite your claim that you’re not holding any of this against the other family. I have been on the other side of this, and I personally preferred having playdates at our house because I COULD monitor the situation better and redirect my kid in an environment he was comfortable in. It was always harder at parks and more public places. But if another parent really disliked my kid this much and blamed him for their kid’s bad behavior, I just would rather not bother with playdates and let them be school friends instead. Because I don’t think another setting would be better, and I tend to think this friendship isn’t a great fit for anyone.
Spirograph says
This is my take, as well. It sounds like both boys are into this, friend’s mom is hoping you’ll accept, and you are unwilling to give it a try to see if her claim that her son is better at home and 1:1 is true. That is fine! If your mom Spidey sense is tingling over this kid in ways that I’m not seeing come through in your description, it is 100% ok to keep declining. But it would be kind of you to just say no, you’re not comfortable with a drop-off playdate, or no, you are not interested in making this work, full stop, so that everyone can move on.
I, personally, would give it a chance, though.
AwayEmily says
We are in a similar situation with a friend whose behavior is pretty off-the-rails sometimes, and I do let my kid have those playdates (not constantly, but once or twice a month). I think it is important to not overly curate our kids’ lives (while of course preventing them from actual emotional or physical harm). I do talk to my daughter pretty openly about her friend’s behavior (e.g. “Did you see how Oliver was ignoring Carlos, even though Carlos was trying to get his attention? That’s not okay.”) and talk through situations in advance (e.g. “If while you’re at Oliver’s house, he starts to play in a way that you don’t like, let’s come up with some ideas of what you can do.”)
Anyway, I think this is potentially a good low-stakes way to start to give them the skills they need to navigate complicated relationships, and to talk openly about how different families have different standards of behavior.
AwayEmily says
Rereading this, “different families have different standards of behavior” probably sounded judgy — sorry! My kid’s friend definitely does not have ADHD (I know his parents well and have talked about this explicitly with them), his parents just rarely set limits on his behavior. It’s often pretty frustrating for my daughter when she sees him behaving in ways that if she did that, would get a “if you do that one more time we are leaving immediately” from us, and his parents just fondly chuckle.
Mary Moo Cow says
I would feel guilted into saying yes to a playdate but would arrange a short playdate — like, 1 hour. You can frame it as getting used to drop offs or getting used to playdates at other people’s houses or your son’s tolerance. Maybe it will go well (pleasant surprise!) Maybe it won’t, and that’s a reason to politely decline if it comes up again.
My kids have a friend with acknowledged behavioral challenges and I don’t love having her over (her parents have never invited them over for a formal playdate, so I acknowledge it’s a bit different than your situation.) The good news is that it’s gotten a lot better over ages 6-7. We’ve kept playdates short, I have no compunction about telling her politely but firmly that it is not a good time for our family. It’s enough to keep her from feeling left out and my family harmony.
I feel for the mom in your situation, but you don’t have to sacrifice your family’s well being to please her. It sounds like your son is interested in playing with him, so that tips the scales for me to try it once, but because you don’t love the idea, not to commit to a lengthy or frequent playdates.
Anon says
+1 At first I was thinking I would decline these invites, as you don’t have to put your family in an uncomfortable situation because someone else wants to play. But then I realized I’ve been in this situation before, and I said yes! It’s hard to get all the nuances of a child from text on a screen, and sometimes there are factors that tip the scales toward giving the benefit of the doubt, as you mentioned.
In our case the other kid had actually been kicked out of his last school, then landed in my kid’s class, and I’d met them at the local playground and the family seemed nice and by all accounts “normal”, but the son definitely seemed hyperactive, and as the youngest of three kids knew more curse words than I’d have liked (but we are a no-cursing-at-all family, and it was a teaching moment with my son.) I have let my son go over occasionally, and they play outside a little but mostly seem to watch a movie and eat snacks, and I pick him up after a couple hours. We also met them outside once, and 1:1 in an outdoor setting went well. We definitely won’t become fast and close friends, and the invites have dropped off significantly because we don’t reciprocate.
NYCer says
+2. I would try one play date and see how it goes, especially since your son sounds interested in playing with him. Definitely keep it short though!
Anonymous says
Just say no. The trend of parents and teachers using neurotypical or complaint kids for the benefit of children with special needs has got to end. My daughter was forced by her teachers to be “friends” with a girl with some sort of personality disorder (I am pretty sure she was a diagnosable sociopath) for years. She was repeatedly invited to the girl’s house for play dates. She wanted to go the first time so I let her; after that I witnessed the girl’s behavior firsthand at Girl Scouts and put a stop to it. My teacher friend says that she had to explain to the neurotypical girls in her middle school inclusion class that they didn’t have to let other kids touch them. They had been socialized over the years that they had to allow it because “they can’t help it.”
An important part of parenting, particularly in this day and age, is teaching your children to stand up for themselves and their own safety and needs. The wheelchair analogy does not fit because if the wheelchair user was a kind person and a good friend then the accommodations would not be inappropriate or burdensome.
Anon says
Maybe unpopular, but I fully agree with this.
Anon says
This, and my kid is neurodiverse. There is a BIG contingent of parents who refuse to recognize their kids need help and/or refuse to set limits. I’m ok with kids being wild/having meltdowns/having an off day but I draw the line at kids who display behavior that isn’t ok and then the parents either shrug or half heartedly make a ‘oh, stop that’ type of correction. It isn’t fair to my kid who does have firm limits around bad behavior and is inevitably wound up/out of sorts after.
Honestly I blame pop culture for a lot of this. Watching a show like Young Sheldon/The Big Bang Theory as a parent makes me rage-y – if my kid spoke to me or other people like that they would be gently corrected at first and then disciplined if it went on. Teaching these kids they can act rudely/say whatever they want and that there shouldn’t be any consequences is bonkers.
Anon says
But her son likes the other kid. That’s different than forcing a friendship where none exists in the name of inclusiveness.
Anonymous says
But he always comes home with hurt feelings and bad behavior he’s picked up.
Anon says
Where does she say he always comes home with hurt feelings? Behavior that his parents don’t like is different than hurt feelings.
Play date Etiquette says
OP here. I do say that. My son was very hurt for some time when this boy was giving him a hard time earlier in the school year over not giving him something of his in school. Kids fight but this lasted 2-3 weeks of this boy just not handling “no” well, and being a bit of a bully, and my son fully didn’t want to go to school due to this behavior. My son is very easy and gets along with everyone but is also sensitive about some stuff. I posted a longer comment below but I think it’s a combination of issues here.
Anon says
It sounds like you’ve kind of made up your mind already, but in your shoes I’d let the kid lead. I think telling a kid who isn’t enthusiastic about a play date “let’s give Johnny another try” is forcing a kid to be friends. But if a kid has moved past a prior hurt and wants a play date, imo saying yes is not forcing them to be friends. Kids this age fight easily but also forgive easily.
Anon says
OP- I think that’s your answer/out right there. I don’t know how much you want to engage this mom on your reasoning but I think it’s completely reasonable to decide that because of that “conflict” you want the boys to have some space for a little while and you’ll reconsider in X time.
Anonymous says
*Compliant
Anon says
Im also have trouble with the “trend” of blaming antisocial behavior on neurotype. I say this as a mom whose middle son was diagnosed ADHD/2e just last week, and probably my older very intense son is also ND. I know to an extent behaviors can be caused by a mental difference, and I don’t totally know how you socialize your kid without practicing playing with other kids…but there is a degree of responsibility the parents have towards other children. When play dates have seemed too much for my kids, we pulled back, circled the wagons, and focused on down time and working on social skills within our family. Also, for ND kids school alone can be a lot, so not every season is one for play dates.
I want to be clear I’m not trying to take a firm “stance” on this, but I’m mulling it over and posting for discussion. It seems everything gets a label these days, and that makes others guilty for saying no/possibly being prejudiced.
Not today says
My kid wound up in a pretty horrendous bullying situation with a kid similar to this girl (in my kid’s case it was unwanted touching, humiliation, unsafe behavior). I was shocked by what the kid was capable of.
Trust your gut, OP. The mom begging for a playdate is a red flag. There are ways of being kind without putting your kid at risk.
Anonymous says
Hmmm. So I have a daughter like this who is just bad socially, and does have adhd. She’s a bit older now but this was her in K. I always offered to host playdates because I managed them closely. I had some structured activities, made sure she was polite and that the guest was treated well by my child.
I also offered to have “mutual play dates” like meeting up at a park/playground so the other party could leave at any time.
In contrast, another of my children had a friend like your son/my other daughter. I found her to be such a pain to have over. I told my husband she was an “outside only” friend. I didn’t know it at the time but she absolutely has adhd;
It was like seeing my younger child’s future!
Re: the playdate, if your son genuinely wants to hang out with this kid, I’d say accept the invite but keep it short. Like, an hour. Ask your kid how it went and re-assess.
Also, there are several kids like this in my kids’ schools and most of the boys have mellowed substantially by 2nd grade!
Anonymous says
I am the mom of the other kid in this situation. You pretty clearly dislike the other kid and don’t want your child to spend time with him, so the least cruel thing you can do for this family is to tell the parents that you don’t want them to have playdates no matter what arrangements the other parents make. Stop with the polite demurrals that make them think there’s hope.
Anon says
Agreed.
anon says
Yep, exactly. I said something similar above. Own the fact that you don’t like this kid or this family much.
Anonymous says
Not liking this kid or the family does not make OP a bad person.
Anon says
I don’t see OP saying she doesn’t like the kid, or even the parents for that matter, although she seems to think they lack proper boundaries with the kid. I’ve been on both sides of a situation where a kid is “too much” (but I’m pretty firm with boundaries fwiw). I know it’s easy to feel hurt and like people don’t like your kid. I feel that right now with one of my kiddos. But there’s a big leap from, my child isn’t treated well by this kid/comes home unhappy/learns bad behavior and not liking the kid. Let’s not put words in the OP’s mouth.
Anon says
I think at this age you can totally say you’re not comfortable with drop offs. A lot of people aren’t.
I’d probably follow your son’s lead. Don’t make him go in the name of kindness but if he wants to go I’d let him.
Telling your kid they can’t play with a friend is likely to backfire. It’s not the same situation but my daughter has a good friend whose mom tried to stop their friendship because she perceived my kid as a troublemaker (imo, neither kid is a troublemaker -they’re good students who occasionally get admonished by the teacher for being a bit too giggly which is normal at age 6). Anyway it totally backfired and even with zero play dates and him not being allowed to attend her birthday, the kids are besties and he writes her friendship notes about how much he loves her pretty much every day. So yeah… even at this age there’s a limit to how much you can control kids’ friendships.
Anon says
your son said he likes the kid, so i would allow a short playdate, that does not involve trading cards. either drop off or with you there (you can find an hour).
Anonymous says
I think you could absolutely say “ok, let’s try one play date and see how it goes. I’d like to also be there hanging out during that time.” Or “I’m not super comfortable with how the kids interact and I’m not comfortable with play dates at home at the moment.”
Anonymous says
Play dates are not a basic human right.
Anon says
I think you’ve gotten some really good input above. The only thing I will add is that I’ve figured out that there is no way to protect my kid from other kids’ bad behavior. It’s everywhere. As a parent, I want my kid to know that another child’s “bad behavior” is not acceptable for her or in our home. I think the key here is to recognize that your child is going to be exposed to other’s bad behaviors, you can’t prevent that exposure to a large degree, you can’t change the other child’s behavior, but you have to be able to parent your own child so that they know that their behavior is not acceptable. So, you can politely decline the play date. But that won’t insulate your son from the other child at school. You have to be able to parent your own child to know what is acceptable and what is not.
Play date Etiquette says
OP here. Not trying to insulate anyone and appreciate the variety of perspectives expressed. Pushing back on the notion that I don’t like the kid – he’s a kid, I truly have no position on him. I do think there is some truth to the fact that I don’t think the parents are handling this super well and this is causing me hesitation about unsupervised by me play dates at their place. Having interacted with them at school events and class birthdays, they seem to “spoil” this boy a lot and have no established boundaries for him. I’ve seen him kick kids and adults with no consequences. At one class party, his parents gave up telling him to stop doing something that was against the rules of the venue because he wasn’t listening and went to get drinks. I get that it’s hard but I also don’t think they are coping very well. If this boy didn’t have some kind of an issue I would flat out say no to the play date based on this behavior and not encourage this friendship. I am cutting a lot of slack here due to the fact that I appreciate this is also related. If that’s judgmental, I guess I am judgmental.
Also I don’t think the comment above that said that I refuse all accommodation is fair. I repeatedly offered to go to the park or playground together. The response is always that they want a playdate at their house and that’s my pushback – why is it on my family to accommodate that specific preference? Particularly when I am not invited.
My son and I talk about this a lot. I am not pushing anything on him. He knows he needs to navigate different relationships in life.
Anon says
I’ve had a similar situation, and I just offered to host. Having play dates at A house seemed to remove a sense that we didn’t like the family or didn’t want the kids to interact, but I got to have a lot more control over what was happening. When the mom texted asking my kid to come over for a playdate, I would usually respond, something to the effect that “oh shoot, that time doesn’t work for us, but [other kid] is welcome at our house on Tuesday from 5 to 6. Heads up that I have to [pick up other kid/other activity giving me a hard stop], so unfortunately they’ll have to shut down the fun at 6.”
I never had (nor needed to, frankly) to have a Big Conversation with her about behavior I found frustrating from her kid, the kids eventually drifted apart, and even if she figured out that I wasn’t allowing my kid to go to her house…it never felt like a Thing because they still played together (in short, monitored outings) at my house.
anon says
Yeah, I just don’t think this is a good fit and would politely demure any playdate requests. And I have been the parent of the kid who is a handful and can miss obvious social cues, but I absolutely would not allow him to get physical with others. I can see that the mom is trying to make it work by hosting, but if you’re not comfortable, that’s that.
Anonymous says
I am the “no way” poster above. These parents sound a lot like the parents of the kid my daughter was forced to be “friends” with. They were actually afraid to stand up to their own child; I once witnessed the mom in tears because her daughter had deliberately destroyed a craft project the mom was working on just to get a reaction. The mom used Girl Scouts as a place to dump her kid so she could get a break, and it wrecked the experience for the entire troop. A bunch of them, including my daughter, ended up quitting because they didn’t want to be around her. I would steer clear of this whole family.
Anon says
I think kicking other kids and adults without consequences is telling. I’d be concerned about what goes on in their house when you’re not there.
Anonymous says
This. My 4.5yo son has a classmate who is definitely neurodivergent and the parents are sticking their head in the sand about it and also his behavior. Kid constantly throws toys AT other children or dumps stuff on other kids heads. His mom keeps asking for play dates and I keep making up excuses….
SC says
I have a neurodiverse child who has had similar behavioral issues, and I really empathize with the other kid and his parents.
I will say that my child does do better at home. It’s more controlled, it’s quieter, there is less stimulation, and I can redirect him more easily. He also does pretty well when we go to someone else’s house and their children share similar interests. We have met up at the playground on occasion, and they’re usually the least successful because it’s unstructured, chaotic, often loud play.
That doesn’t mean that you have to allow this play date. But if your son likes this child, maybe try it for an hour and hang out and see if it does go better. Of course, if the child is mean or aggressive, go right home.
Anon says
This is totally different than a child in a wheelchair. This child is regularly unkind to your son; you can have empathy with him or his family while also setting a boundary that dropoff play dates make no sense given their rocky history. You don’t need to go into it but it’s fine to say to the other mom that since the two have had trouble in the past you’re not comfortable with a dropoff play date but happy to give the park a try again down the road if her son is interested.
Anon says
Are there fun ways to spend Mother’s Day with a 3 year old and a 65 year old who has some mobility issues (she can walk around a museum, but excessive walking is not happening, or any other more strenuous activity)? I’m tempted by visions of the three of us having tea service together, but I know that is probably not going to happen. Ultimately maybe I should just ask for the day to myself and have DH do all the child-wrangling. But on the other hand, are there fun ways to celebrate together that wouldn’t leave me feeling totally exhausted at the end of the day? We’d be in Chicago, if that matters.
Anon says
Can you ask for what I call a ‘1950’s dad’s day’ as a gift? You sleep in, get yourself ready, husband gets the kid and himself fed/dressed/ready, you all go to an activity together and then you/mom go do your own thing while DH takes the kid home to handle bath/dinner. You swan in to kiss the fed/washed child before DH puts them to bed.
SC says
I love this!
Mary Moo Cow says
Not brunch. :) Maybe not a full tea service (and I had to shelve that idea after I had a very tiring tea with my 5 and 8 year olds, so I get it) but a special treat, like a nice coffee shop, bakery, or ice cream parlor? I would pair that with a visit to a playground where you can sit and chat while 3 year old plays or, if it’s not nice weather, a very short outing to a museum or other indoor space you like. I would also have DH along to handle wrangling. Some of what makes it celebratory, for me at least, is attitude, so I will typically paint my nails, actually put some effort into my outfit, and say to myself in the mirror before leaving that this will be fun.
Anonymous says
Yea, try googling for a “teddy bear tea” near you? I took my kids and mom to one last year and while I thought the price was outrageous, they all still speak fondly of it and I will probably end up doing that again at some point. They all wore giant hats, and the kids got teddy bears and a fun lemonade and lots of little cakes.
Anon says
I would not attempt tea. My 6 year old is only now getting to the point that tea is fun.
At that age I enjoyed going to botanical gardens and Chicago has a great one (in Glencoe, not the city), but I don’t know if your mom has enough mobility for that.
Anon says
Tea at the American Girl store?
Anon says
That’s going to be tough with a 3 year old unless you have one who’s abnormally good at sitting still. The whole experience takes about 1.5-2 hours. It’s a perfect thing for girls in elementary school, but I think most 3 year olds wouldn’t enjoy it and would be disruptive. It also means a lot more if you have an AG doll of your own since they do tea for the doll too.
Anon says
Given that the activities that will be most enjoyable for either of them are diametrically opposite, can you separate the celebrations? Sleep in, go straight to brunch with the 65 year old – just you two (god, wrangling a 3 year old at brunch is my own personal h E ll), then meet the 3 year old and your husband at a park for an hour, then dinner with your good friends, come home after bedtime is done?
Anon says
Is there a baseball game that day? That would be a delight! Kid will eat zillions of snacks, once grandma gets to her seat you don’t have to move around much, and everyone spends a day in the sunshine together.
Alternatively, I’d look for a children’s play or an age appropriate music performance or something like that which also involves sitting.
Last idea – go hang out at a playground with nice benches or tables and have your husband pick up really good coffee and pastries for you all. After an hour of chilling with the three generations, he picks up the kid while you go out to see a movie or spa or whatever is nice for you; get home while kid is napping; and all have a chill takeout dinner together.
AwayEmily says
Looking for some book recommendations…my 6yo is obsessed with two and only two book series: Catwad and Who Would Win. He’s now read all of them multiple times and is looking to branch out…but to what? Any recommendations from parents of similarly-minded kids?
Mary Moo Cow says
My DD loved Who Would Win so we checked out Nat Geo kids, Wild Kratts, and DK Animal Encyclopedias out of the library (Deadly Predators makes for riveting bedtime reading, ha.) She also liked Graeme Base’s Watering Hole and Sign of the Seahorse (fiction but exclusively animals.)
Spirograph says
I’m not super familiar with either of those but I *think* Catwad is a graphic novel, and Who Would Win is like shark vs giant squid, right? So graphic novels, and non-fiction animal focus.
Graphic novels: Dogman, Cat Kid, Hilo. My 7 year old likes Who Would Win (and anything else that teaches him trivia and fun facts), and some of his favorite series are Magic Treehouse and the spinoffs, Spirit Animals, Geronimo Stilton, and Danny Dragonbreath.
Side note, someone here recommended Land of Roar a few weeks ago, and my 5th grader and I both just finished the third book of the trilogy. He loved them (and I thought they were cute and fun); thank you for the recommendation! He’s now onto the Fablehaven series, which my mom found and test-drove when searching for series similar to Land of Roar. So far that one is a big hit, too.
AwayEmily says
these are all great, thanks!!
Anonymous says
We are newly into “who would win”. My 6yo is getting up early to read! While this is all adorable, “rumble in the jungle” is less cool when you know who wins and we are at danger of running out very soon at the current pace….
Other books he likes: Dragonmasters and Firehawk (different genre). He has shown interest in the EyesWitness series, but they are very dense. Wild Kratt’s is pretty popular too.
Anon says
True story – my DS #1’s teacher forbade “Who Will Win” books in the class after many of the kids started a lot of re-enactments on the playground.
My kid LOVES those books!
I’m a Grinch says
On the topic of Mother’s Day, I have to admit that I hate it. Both sets of grandparents and aunts are local. I dread yet another holiday where I have to navigate family dynamics, unnecessary gifts, special church clothes, gentle and not-so-gentle prodding of my kids to behave, and sacrificing my own preferences. For Mother’s Day, I want DH to take our 3 and 1 year old out of the house for a few hours while I exercise and take a reasonable length shower. I’d love my kids to pick me out a card or, at most, a pint of whatever flavor ice cream they think I’d like. I am so appreciative and grateful for the grandmothers in my extended family, yet I can hardly keep my own head above turbulent water, let alone clap and celebrate them for now lounging on the warm sands of grandparent life.
Anon says
Tell your DH what you want! I’ve found the key to a good Mothers Day is being upfront about exactly what I want.
Anonymous says
This. In your shoes, I’d tell him I wanted him to get the kids ready for church on his own, take them to church with the grandparents, then take them to his mother’s house for the afternoon while I relaxed in blissful silence. On his way home, he can pick up your favorite fancy takeout for dinner.
Anon says
i hate it too. i hated it when i was trying to get pregnant and felt left out. then my kids’ bday falls very close to mother’s day (this year the day before, next year will be day of), DH’s is the week after and my own mom passed away when my kids were 1.5. DH’s mom is still alive and I have managed to avoid having to spend mother’s day with her thank goodness. DH’s parents usually come the weekend before (for kiddos bday party) or after (DH’s bday) Even DH agrees that my mom was nicer than his mom and thinks it is unfair i’m the one without a mom (not that i wish anything bad on my MIL, she has some good qualities, but this holiday brings out the pettiness in me).
Anonymous says
You’re not alone. Last year we had both sets of grandparents over for dinner the Friday night before Mother’s Day for pizza/salad/dessert and I did my own thing on Sunday. It was amazing, so I just announced that we’re doing the same thing this year. I have a full gardening agenda for Mother’s Day because I’ll be picking up pre-ordered garden plants on the Saturday before, and the plants aren’t going to plant themselves during brunch. If the grandmas object, they can plan something themselves.
OP says
What a great idea! I might do an early evening ice cream party on the Friday before with one side of the family. Even better if we can do it outside—fingers crossed for warm weather in the upper Midwest by then.
anon says
I love every bit of this plan.
Anon says
Genius! Some years ago I asked my mom what she wanted to do for Mother’s Day (she lives locally) and she looked at me like I was crazy and said Mother’s Day was for me because I had the little kid. Bless her !
Boston Legal Eagle says
Call me a Grinch too but when you are the mom to a 3 year old and 1 year old, you do not have to space or energy to celebrate everyone else on this arbitrary day. Unless these grandmothers and aunts are in it with you day in and day out, they had their time, and will have their time to be celebrated in the future. Focus on making the day special for you, which often means getting the kids away from you.
GCA says
This! With a 3 and 1yo, you are absolutely in the thick of it. I would ask DH for what you actually want, and give grandma a call and a nice houseplant.
anon says
Yup yup yup. The people who are actively mothering deserve priority on this day. IMHO.
Anon says
+1 to GCA and BLE.
My mom is local, and is super involved (by choice/ability) with my kids. I am lucky that we are also very close and have an uncomplicated relationship.
My MIL is not local, but a quick plane ride/11 hour car ride away. For many Reasons, I am glad we’re not physically close right now. After a terrible trip when she came to “help” with kid #2 during the newborn months but…did not, she has never offered to come help/spend time with us/the kids (which is fine, her prerogative). We asked and she happily did a week of grandma camp/fun outings with our oldest last summer, but that was also part of a larger trip where she joined us on an all-inclusive resort for ~5 days, saw/stayed with other local family in the area, and forgot to bring the dang carseat for the kid (yet remembered to bring cases of soda to drink because apparently we don’t have grocery stores here). I would not be happy to spend mother’s day showering her with attention.
Anon says
I’m a grinch about it this year too. Mother’s Day is on or right near my birthday most years. We used to travel for the combined long weekend, but with school age kids we don’t want to pull them out (they miss school for religious holidays and important family events but not “just” vacations). And I’d feel like a bad mom if I traveled without my kids over Mother’s Day, so we don’t do that. So I miss getting to travel for my birthday. First world problems, I know. My mom is local and I’m also not psyched about spending it with her even though I know I should. Ugh.
anon says
100 percent agree. It’s just a lot of extras to navigate, feelings to consider, and lots of pressure to act over the top grateful. I have been very clear with DH that I will hang with his mom on the day before Mother’s Day, but I will either be spending Mother’s Day by myself and/or with my mom. If he wants to take the kids over to his mom’s for a little while on the day of and let me relax at home, great, but I don’t want another obligation on what’s supposed to be my day, too. And under no circumstances do I want to go out to eat and fight the crowds. That completely ruined my first three Mother’s Days, and now I refuse to do it. He does try to get me a special treat and small gift, which is lovely, but in most respects, it’s just another day. I actually like to celebrate Mother’s Day with my girlfriends, a few days ahead of time.
anon says
Not a grinch. Tell your husband what you want. Tell your family you’re doing your own thing this year. That’s it! Love the up-thread idea of seeing people on the Friday night before, if you want/that sounds right to you.
NLD in NYC says
Thanks for the reminder that Mother’s Day is only a couple weeks away, so I need to tell DH what I want (“He should know” = disappointment). I’m also Team “I love you all, but I want to be alone.” I usually take my mom out either the Friday or Saturday before to avoid the crowds. Feel slightly guilty about not spending it with MIL, who is wonderful, but then I remind myself that she has her (insert country of origin)’s Mother’s Day a couple of week later.
For anyone feeling guilty about not spending the day with their mom or MIL…there’s always Grandparent’s Day (the first Sunday after Labor Day). Does anyone celebrate?
Anon says
Grandparents Day doesn’t loom anywhere near as large as Mothers Day in the cultural zeitgeist. Plus you don’t cease to become a mom just because you become a grandparent. My mom is pretty chill but I think she’d be hurt if we told her we weren’t celebrating her on Mother’s Day because she has grandparents day.
That said, I agree with those saying that the wishes of the moms in the thick of raising young kids (especially toddlers!) should take priority.
Vicky Austin says
Agree with everyone who’s said Mother’s Day should be for those actively mothering.
I told DH just this morning that I want a picnic with him and DS, and then a long bath by myself, for every Mother’s Day until further notice.
Anonymous says
Lord help me, every time I say I have a pregnancy symptom my husband says “same here!”
Anon says
Omg, are you me? Why do they do this?? My husband is the sweetest, most generous person and is NOT the type to feel jealous or throw a mantrum because he’s getting less attention – so I really don’t understand it!!
Anon says
I nearly clobbered my husband when he would lament being tired/not sleeping during the newborn stage (I was the one doing more of the wakeups to feed/pump).
Anon says
Ughhhhh that happened to me all the time! The injustice. The lack of awareness or gratitude.
Anonymous says
Yep. My favorite was the time I was in tears over the zillionth wakeup and asked him to take a shift so I could sleep, and he replied that unlike me he had to go to work in the morning and couldn’t be tired so I would need to handle it.
Anonymous says
My husband is lucky to be alive after he complained about how hard it was to hold my leg while I was pushing. The nurses were smart to get him far away from me after he did that one.
Anonymous says
Ha! It’s probably a good thing I have virtually no memory of what happened for about two hours that evening.
anon says
I would be thinking SUCH unkind thoughts.
anon says
I’m one month from my due date with #3, and my mother just complained to me that she is SO TIRED….from her vacation she just got home from. AND, my DH just spent hours finishing a project at her house late last night, I took the kids to Home Depot for supplies, etc etc., making both of us legitimately tired. Read the room folks!