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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
fallen says
What was everyone’s experience with baby sleep after weaning? I have a 15 month old who wakes up at 5 am regularly, and now started waking up at 2 am and scream for 20/30 minutes. I am wondering if weaning would help with the early morning wake ups? Breastfeeding 2-3x per day currently.
poiu says
Weaning didn’t make a difference to my kid’s sleep. Sleep training is what really helped him sleep through the night.
Anonymous says
Weaning didn’t make any difference on sleep for any of my kids. Is your kid teething? age 1-2 is prime time for teething. Often they aren’t bothered during the day but it makes them restless at night. Try advil at bedtime to see if it helps.
Turtle says
Teething (molars) did this to my now 16 month old at 14-15 months.
Anon says
Yup, it sounds like teething to me.
Weaning had no effect on my daughter’s sleep except that she got frequent ear infections after we weaned and the ear infections wrecked havoc on her sleep, much worse than teething ever did. The breastmilk = antibodies thing was true, for me at least.
OP says
Thanks everyone! What does anyone do with teething other than Tylenol? We let him CIO but feel bad if teething.
Clementine says
I found that motrin was more effective than tylenol for teething (Tylenol better for fevers though) and the bonus was it lasted longer and seemed to help with sleep.
That’s prettymuch it though… cold teethers.
Anonymous says
Agree on the Motrin.
Anonymous says
I used Tylenol for fever but I found Advil way more effective for teething pain. It lasts 8 hours.
Cb says
My kid went from 1-2 wake ups to sleeping through the night. And he went down earlier as he didn’t get to nurse for an hour.
Anonymous says
That was also a rough time for us, possibly due to developmental leaps (learning to talk and walk) and nap consolidation. There is a lot going on at 15 months!
Anon says
Yeah, if he’s not walking yet that could be a big factor. 15-16 months was h3ll for my daughter in terms of sleep. I think it was a combination of molars and learning to walk (she walked independently right after she turned 17 months). For weeks before she walked she would stand up in her crib screaming “alk!” (which was her word for walk, meaning, walk me around the house holding my hand so I can practice walking).
anon says
Has anyone taken Wellbutrin / other depression meds? What was your experience? I have never taken psych meds but now strongly considering it for depression, but worried about side effects and eventually tapering it off.
CPA Lady says
I think Wellbutrin has comparatively few side effects. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it. My sister took it in college and did very well on it.
I took Zoloft (SSRI) and then Cymbalta (SSNRI) years ago. I had such bad insomnia with Zoloft that I had a scary night where I started hallucinating. Then I switched to Cymbalta which I liked a lot more. It helped me a lot. I was on it for about a year while I did a lot of therapy. I don’t think I would have made nearly as much progress without both the therapy and the medication. But I went from crippling anxiety bordering on agoraphobia with regular debilitating panic attacks to being able to function in the world and having a better sense of being able to take care of myself and my needs, plus I worked through some childhood crap too.
I slowly tapered off Cymbalta over the course of a couple of months. I popped open the pills and sprinkled out the inside grains so I could taper really slowly. It was not too bad, though I felt kind of low level crummy for a while. Cymbalta did have some annoying side effects, but I’m really glad I took it.
lsw says
I just started Wellbutrin about ten days ago. I’ve been going to therapy since I was pregnant with my son because I had prenatal depression. He’s three now, and I’m still going every other week. This is my first time taking meds, which the psychiatrist seemed surprised by (I’ve had two relatively big depressive episodes, both addressed by talk therapy). Happy to answer any questions you have! I have not had bad side effects so far. The main things I’ve noticed is I have a lot of dreams in the morning (don’t know what that’s about) and my appetite is a bit dampened (but I can still eat, I just don’t feel as hungry so I have to make sure I remember to eat lunch, etc).
anon says
Not the OP, but did you breastfeed with Wellbutrin? I have had a good response to it in the past but was told could not go on it because of breastfeeding
lsw says
My son isn’t breastfeeding anymore, so I didn’t. I’m sorry that I don’t know!
Em says
I took Lexapro for anxiety for 9 months before going off to it get pregnant, got pregnant within 5 months of going off of it, then went back on it when my son was 18 months (so 2 1/2 years after initially going off of it). I have been on it the second time for almost 2 years and I have no plans to go off of it. The first time I had minimal side effects when I started it, and none after the first week. Tapering off was not bad (the only symptom I had was “brain zaps”) except the day I went off completely, when I was an emotional wreck. The second time I started it I lost my appetite for 6 weeks and lost about 10 pounds, but then it leveled out and I gained it back. It makes my life infinitely better and enables me to be a better mom, wife, daughter, employee, person, etc.
Mrs. Jones says
I’ve been on Lexapro for six years for moderate depression. It keeps me functioning and even-keeled.
Ashley says
Sorry to threadjack but I have a related question– I have an appointment with my doc next week to discuss potential medications for anxiety. Ten years ago I took a low dose of Celexa for about 6 months, which really helped my anxiety symptoms (shortness of breath, heart racing, crying jags). The anxiety was situational and once the “situation” was over, I was able to come off the meds with no problem. I am now in another “situation” causing anxiety flares. Anyone have experience to share with different anxiety meds? I felt like Celexa really decreased my libido, which is already low in my current season of life with demanding job, kid, etc. I’d like to avoid that side effect if possible, but maybe I should just stick with something that has worked before.
Ashley says
Relatedly, thinking about TTC in the somewhat near future–anyone TTC while on meds? It seems like most people describe going off meds for that. But it just so happens I really would like to go back on meds at the same time I would like to start TTC.
Anonymous says
FWIW I’ve been on Celexa continuously for about seven years and conceived and have a happy, healthy two-year-old.
AnonLaywer says
I TTCed while on lexapro. Due to a move partway through, I saw two reproductive psychiatrists and two reproductive endocrinologists and neither were at all concerned about it.
lsw says
The reason I started with Wellbutrin instead of anything else is that a low libido was one of the things I am trying to address. So if you are concerned about that, WB might be a good option?
Anonymous says
I’ve posted this before, but a good resource for research on mental health medication/treatment and pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc is Mass General’s Women’s Mental Health website. See
https://womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/psychiatric-disorders-during-pregnancy/
https://womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/breastfeeding-and-psychiatric-medication/
Anonanonanon says
I LOVED Wellbutrin. I started it after Lexapro caused low libido. I was also diagnosed with ADD when I was younger and I think the Wellbutrin helped with that as well while I was on it.
anon says
Shopping help! I’m looking for a basic V-neck tshirt that helps conceal a bit of a belly – so nothing ribbed or clingy. Bonus points if from river s i t e. Sorry for the cross-post!
Anonanonanon says
Lou and Gray v neck t. the nineteen ninety nine price one
Anon says
If casual is OK, gap vintage wash v neck t shirt. Perfect for my post-toddler belly (because all the stress and none of the time).
anon for this says
What is some good self-talk when you are given critical feedback? I interviewed for a promotion, despite planning to TTC #2 soon and despite it being a stretch assignment. I really put myself out there and went out of my comfort zone. I thought I did OK, not amazing, but solid. I got critical feedback and now I’m really down on myself.
I’m also in the awkward position now of knowing that if they eventually offer me the promotion, it’s because their first choice turned them down and they’re not 100% confident in me. So I feel I really have to work on my self-talk/self-image to build myself back up if I end up getting the role.
Fwiw, I think the criticism is probably deserved (called out my lack of experience and depth of knowledge) but this is precisely what I was concerned about and would be concerned about going into the role. I’m trying to think about how to move forward – any thoughts?
Nan says
Was the criticism in the interview itself? Any chance that it was just a rough interview style rather than actual criticism? (In other words, maybe they were pushing you to explain why you are qualified despite the outward appearance that you might have enough experience.)
Anonymous says
I guess I feel like, and? That’s not criticism that’s an observation. You already knew that.
Anonymous says
I tend to agree. Although it is hard, it isn’t something you should take personally. Lack of experience in a particular area is in no way criticizing you as a person. I’m sure you’ve been a total rockstar at all the experiences you do have. This is all constructive feedback and laying a road map for you should you wish to move to this position in the future (provided it doesn’t work out now). To the extent you still consider it negative, then my usual plan is to sulk/pamper myself for a day or two (think pedicure, fancy coffee, and some guilty pleasure tv with wine) and then move to a “well I’ll show them” attitude and do my best to prove them wrong.
Anon says
Yeah maybe I’m a tough interviewer but lack of experience and depth of knowledge is NOT criticism, it’s acknowledgement of the potential challenges in the first 90 days.
Also what Clementine said. Statistically men apply for jobs when they meet only 60% of the qualifications. Sounds like you did the same. Kudos for stretching yourself and just because this may or may not be the right fit, that doesn’t sound like you’re so far off the mark that you shouldn’t have stretched. Keep trying. If you don’t get this job, focus on gaining the experience/knowledge and then apply for the next one even if you’re only 2% more qualified than you are today.
Clementine says
Have the confidence a dude would have.
“Eh, not this time. Maybe next time. Their loss, I would be awesome.”
Anon says
Do you know for a fact that they didn’t give all candidates critical feedback? If you’re offered the job, I definitely would not assume you’re they’re second choice! And if you aren’t offered the job, then it’s a good learning experience and you’ll do better next time! Hugs.
OP says
Thanks all – thinking through it again and reading these, it also occurs to me the feedback was also due to their high expectations. So it doesn’t mean I couldn’t do the job, just that they were hoping that I’d really rise to the occasion, and didn’t quite hit the mark.
Emily S. says
I would also consider how you can gain the experience and the knowledge that they were looking for, especially on their time and dime. Are there training sessions, conferences, webinairs, certifications, etc. you can pursue that Employer would pay for you to attend? If they have high expectations, and they wanted you to rise to the occasion, hopefully they will also want to help you get there!
Deema says
Ugh, talk me down. I drop my kids off at school around 7:15 every day. I pick them up around 5:30-5:45 typically. Last night instead of going home, we went to the gym and I put them in the gym daycare for an hour so I could get a run in, from about 6:30 to 7:30. By the time we got home, it was time to do the bedtime routine (they ate dinner at the daycare).
Trying to fall asleep, I was so wracked with guilt for being a terrible mom because after them being in 10+ hours of childcare, I handed them off to yet ANOTHER provider, so that I could run. It felt really icky to basically have no time with my kids at all yesterday. But this is fine, right? They loooove school and the gym daycare. The only one having a problem with it is me — so I should just decide to get over it, right?
lsw says
1) I totally feel this and 2) they love it! Maybe plan an extra fun activity this week or weekend.
Anonymous says
Well, do you want to get over it? If this works for you and your kids, then great! If you feel like it’s too much time in care, that’s also totally okay!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. I actually think this a great use of time and the care you have available, so BRAVA!
Ashley says
My days have been like this for the last week, and I also have the guilt. Just offering commiseration.
govtattymom says
To me (with the huge caveat that different things work for different people), I would be happy with this if it were a once or twice a week thing. I would not be happy with this as an every day schedule. I would want to make sure that I had time to take them to the playground after school, color with them, etc. But my guess is that you had those experiences on a different day this week. Hugs- finding the balance of pouring into your kids while also finding time to refill your cup is so hard!
RR says
Part of the reason for the run is for them, right? They get a mom who is happier and healthier, and they have a parent who is modeling the positive behavior of taking care of her health, engaging in physical activity, and balancing her needs with theirs. This is all very, very good–for them and for you. Plus, they love school and the gym. I see nothing here to be guilty about.
The philosophy that saves me in being a working mom is that I make the best decisions I can every day and then I move on. Tomorrow’s best decisions may be totally different. Now that my older kids are tweens, I can really start to see that parenting happens over years–no one day defines your parenting or your children’s childhood. They aren’t going to be in therapy talking about that one day that mom barely saw them so she could run (or the three days a week, or the every other week business trip, etc.)
DrPepperEsq says
+1
Anonymous says
Is this like, once a week? It’s fine! If it’s every day, could you try and find a way to incorporate your kids into your exercise routine? Are they young enough for jogging stroller? If they’re too told for that, then they are likelynold enough to bike ride while you run.
CPA Lady says
If it makes you feel any better, I let my kid watch (non educational) tv and I play on my phone after dinner some nights all the way til bedtime and we just both veg and ignore each other. I’m not even doing anything good or useful like exercising.
We interact and do other stuff a lot of the other nights and on the weekend.
And yes, I feel terribly guilty about it. I think there’s a lot of pressure to “be present” and “treasure every single moment”. But life is long, and sometimes I’m just too tired to be “on” with my kid every single day. I try not to beat myself up about it.
anon says
um, i’m impressed you had the energy to go for a run after waking up in time to get them to care at 7:15am and making it through a whole work day. happy parent = happy children. do what works for you and your family. i’m sure you spend lots of time doing fun things with them on the weekends!
Pogo says
I feel you. For the first time yesterday I went in my son’s room after he was asleep, because otherwise I would not have seen him from about 7:45am yesterday til 5pm tonight. I picked him up and let him sleep on my chest for a few minutes because I just felt so guilty – it was totally for me, not him! He loves hanging out with his dad and his caregivers and his little buddies.
I think it is truly the phase of life with working parenthood and young kids that all weekday hours are spent either getting kiddo ready in the morning or doing the bedtime routine. Mine is young enough that we run in the jogging stroller a few times a week, but that’s not like we’re interacting. On the days I run we have leftovers, and on the other days I’m cooking while I implore him to entertain himself. The rare occasion for weekday quality time is if husband and I both get home by 5:30, and one person can have 1:1 kiddo fun time while the other cooks. It is the season of life we are in.
FVNC says
Honestly, there are some days when spending an hour with my kids is an hour too much, and there are other days I can’t get enough of them. When I’m feeling a little guilty about it, I remind myself that there are times, like long holiday weekend, when we spend 72+ hrs together, and have a great time. I try to remember that it all balances out.
Anonymous says
Yep this for me too. I was in similar boat as OP today– my morning run went long, so I saw my kids for about 5 minutes on the sidewalk before DH took them to daycare. I have plans with a friend after work, and my younger kid will be asleep when I get back. I felt horrible realizing that I basically won’t see her at all today, but remembered we’re taking a weekend trip Friday to stay with family– leaving my older kid and DH at home. On balance, I’ll see more of her this week than most.
IHeartBacon says
I started doing this thing on Sunday nights as I’m putting LO to bed. I’ll list to him all the things that happened that weekend that we enjoyed. They don’t have to be big things. I’ll say, “We had a great weekend, didn’t we? On Saturday, we had pancakes for breakfast, then we read a book, then we packed snacks together to go to the store, then we went to the store and bought some fruit, then we took a nap, after we woke up from our nap, we ate the grapes that we bought together at the store, etc.” He loves hearing the list because he gets to re-live the whole weekend. I love hearing the list because it reminds me of all the little things we did together, even on weekends where all we did was run errands. It helps me look back on the time through a different lens. You could try doing the same thing on days where you feel like you didn’t get enough time with your LO. I think you’d be surprised at how many things you could list if you were forced to come up with a list.
Katy says
Oh my goodness – I love this.
IHeartBacon says
:)
Anon says
Daycare teachers wouldn’t give meds without first asking permission, right? I gave my daughter Tylenol before daycare today for the first time and forgot to mention it to the teachers. I can’t imagine they’d give her Tylenol without asking/telling me first, right? Or do I need to contact them?
Anonymous says
Do you have imtylenol at daycare with a signed permission? If not, they won’t give it.
You should call though as it will take 2 seconds and make you feel better :-)
Anon says
I doubt they would but if it were me I’d just call them because otherwise I’d be worried about it all day!
Anonymous says
I’d call.
Anonymous says
In our state I don’t think they can give it even with permission unless they are a nurse or something. I could be wrong but won’t hurt to call.
Spirograph says
Are you concerned that they will give her Tylenol, doubling the dose you already gave her? Or do you want them to be on the lookout for a potential adverse reaction since this is the first time you’ve given her Tylenol? You can call either way, just be clear on the ask.
I would be SHOCKED if daycare gave a kid any non-prescribed medication without very explicit instructions and parental approval. We have to fill out forms with the brand of diaper cream and sunscreen to give teachers permission to apply that, let alone something the kid actually ingests.
Anon says
The former. She’s had Tylenol lots of times, just hasn’t gone to school with a full dose in her since we typically give it at night for teething. We also had to sign a form to approve them applying sunscreen, so I also can’t imagine them giving her something like Tylenol without explicit consent.
Anonymous says
Our daycares have never been able to give Tylenol, even with explicit parental consent. They’re allowed to do sunscreen/insect repellant/diaper cream (with signed permission) or any prescription meds (with a signed form from the pediatrician), but nothing over-the-counter that’s not topical.
SG says
This (we’re at a national center). Also, once our toddler vomited right after giving her tylenol, we were concerned that we couldn’t give her another dose/not sure how much she lost. Called our ped and he said unless she’s drank half the bottle you don’t have to be worried. In other words, we gave her the 2nd dose.
Anon says
Thanks! I actually gave her an accidental double dose once when she was an infant (it was 3 am and I just blanked and filled the syringe instead of giving her the recommended dose by weight, which was about half the syringe). I felt like the World’s Worst Mom. I called poison control and they said you don’t need to worry unless you give 5 times or more the suggested dose. Basically, they said (not in so many words, but this was the gist) that people in the US are very litigious, so all the “official” doses for medicines are far, far below what is safe. But obviously I would rather not have her receive a double dose unnecessarily.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
It is official. moving at year end.
The details: We’ll be moving to my home city, where we’ll have my family about ~20-45 minute drive (traffic) from where we plan to live. DH has family in exurbs about a ~1-2 hours away, and my MIL plans to relocate to live with/near us. I have some of my closest friends-who-are-like-family that will live nearby, and DH has some old friends that he’s re-kindled relationships with that will also be close. He’ll be working out of the home city office of his firm, and travelling back about 1x/month and to clients as needed, and I’m looking for a new job right now. DS is almost 2, and we’re thinking of TTC soon. Currently in the D.C. area and moving to a much bigger city. Worried about a million things, but we’ve also been working towards this move for a long time, too.
Question for this Wisehive: Any tips for managing a move of this size with all these moving pieces? Asking for any tips – emotional, logistical, etc. given the details above. We’re planning on outsourcing the packing as much as we can, starting to look to rent in the neighborhoods we’re interested (and if it’s right – maybe even buy – but my sense is prices may drop in the coming months), putting DS on the appropriate daycare waitlists so we have a few options, etc.
Anonymous says
1- don’t start TTC conceive until you’ve moved
2- start spending a little bit of time every weekend cleaning out and organizing
3- pick a date and do it. Nothing will ever line up perfectly, ya just gotta take the leap
Emily S. says
+1 on doing a little bit of cleaning and organizing every weekend. End of year will be here before you know it and all the cleaning out, packing, etc. could be overwhelming if you wait until December. Some other things to consider: do you want to move baby gear and clothes or sell/donate them now and buy new things when you’re ready? If you own your home now, would you like to have it staged, or are there any “curb appeal” projects that need to get done before you list for rental or selling? Those things might need to be scheduled now, as landscapers are going to be busy with planting in the fall, etc. On the emotional side of things, having family nearby is wonderful. It can take a lot of adjustment to boundaries, though, so in the excitement, take some time to discuss with your spouse what guardrails you want to have in place, what boundaries are flexible, etc.
OP says
Super helpful. We currently rent and our lease is up in…January so fortunately this won’t be an issue.
Love the idea of taking a small chunk of time every weekend to clear things out. I’ve found that for me it’s easier to do these things in smaller chunks while watching Netflix vs. making it ONE BIG PROJECT.
IHeartBacon says
I second the recommendation to start clearing things out. You’ll also probably end up throwing a lot of things away and if you do the clean out slowly, you can load up a trash bin a week to have the garbage truck haul it away. If you do one big clean out at the end, you may have to worry about how to dispose of all your trash.
OP says
Thank you! Why #1? It’s definitely crossed my mind as well, for logistics reasons.
Other factors on starting to TTC early: I did not have paid maternity leave for DS (did a combo of PTO + Sick Leave + Disability + FMLA of which a very small portion was paid), so I’m not worried about forgoing that benefit. I’m 36 years old right now, which I know by the newer data doesn’t have the impact on fertility we once thought, but still concerned it may take a while.
Anonymous says
Because it’s a matter of months. You have no idea what job you’ll have, if you’ll be employed, if you’ll still be job hunting. Don’t make everything more difficult for yourself.
Anonymous says
Another perspective. I just moved two miles. I went into it thinking it was no big deal, but it was more stressful than I expected. If I was pregnant, the pregnancy hormones would have have put me over the edge or I may have been too ill to get it all done. You are undertaking a far bigger move.
Anon says
Because you don’t qualify for FMLA if you haven’t been at your new employer for a year? But that means waiting longer than just the few months till you move.
Anon says
I disagree completely with the advice to wait until after the move to TTC. Is it ideal? No. But it’s also not ideal to get pregnant immediately after moving and starting a new job (I’ve spent the latter.).
It sounds like you don’t want to wait a year (I wouldn’t either) so I don’t think it’s going to make a material difference whether you get pregnant right before or right after the move.
Anon says
If you’re 36, I wouldn’t hold off. It might complicate the job search, but if you have the financial capacity to take unpaid leave, I’d go for it. In some ways, I’d prefer to interview while pregnant so companies know what they are getting into. If that’s a non-starter for a company, then I probably don’t want to work there at this phase of my life anyway. FWIW, not a hypothetical for me, I interviewed for my current job while 6 months pregnant and took maternity leave shortly after starting. I had to negotiate the maternity leave, as I wouldn’t otherwise have been entitled to it, but the company was perfectly willing.
OP says
+1 this – “if it’s a non-starter for a company, then I don’t want to work there at this phase of my life anyway.” Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t say!
anon says
this is the time to marie kondo everything and if you can afford it, hire people to pack for you. i can’t tell if you live in an apartment or a house or how far you are moving stuff, but spending money on packers was amazing. i agree you should wait to TTC until you move, or at least wait a month or two to start if you plan on moving by the end of the year, which is pretty soon anyway. Look for an obgyn in new city. make lots of lists of memberships/bills you have to cancel, and the things you have to figure out in new city. and remember that even though you are moving to a familiar place, it still might take you time to get settled and that is ok!
OP says
Thank you. DH and I haven’t historically handled big changes well as a unit so really trying to make sure we at the very least – do better this time around, and I think the “it might take time” is key. I haven’t lived in home city in a very long time, so it will definitely be an adjustment.
AttorneyM says
I would look up some apps. Sortly seems helpful! I can’t remember which I saw in Kroger, but it looked like it had labels with something to scan to your phone.
FVNC says
Start looking for daycares/preschools for your son in your new location, now. Spots will be easier to find for a 2 yr old than for an infant, but since you’re moving mid-school year there might be less flexibility than you might see over the summer. We recently relocated to a city in the midwest, daycare shopped for our now-2 yr old about 8 months in advance, and were surprised that a number of schools couldn’t guarantee an opening (although we ultimately had no trouble getting a spot at our first choice).
Anonymous says
How could they guarantee an opening 8 months out?
Anon says
Yeah, I’ve never heard of a daycare guaranteeing an opening more than a couple months out, unless they don’t have a waitlist at all (in which case I’d honestly be wary of the daycare, because around here all the good ones have waitlists).
FVNC says
Huh. This is good to know, esp since we’ll be going through this again next summer. A few years ago, we thought we’d be relocating to DC-area, and were told daycares booked more than a year in advance (although these were infant and young toddler spots), and the advice was correct — we were waitlisted 12+ months out, had to put deposits down, etc., even though we never did need the spots. I assumed large metro areas were similar, but (thankfully!) maybe not. In OP’s case, her son will need a spot in ~3ish months, in the middle of a school year when fewer families are moving around, so I think it’s a good idea to start searching now to find out the options.
Anonymous says
FVNC, you were able to put down a deposit for a guaranteed spot a year out? When we were looking for day care, wait lists were 12+ months long so you needed to get on the wait list as early as possible, but no place would guarantee you a spot. There was even one day care that only added families to the wait list during a one-month window each year, and families were advised to get on the wait list in advance of TTC.
FVNC says
I’m probably conflating paying a deposit to get a spot on a wait list with getting a guaranteed spot. Many years of sleep deprivation have done a number on my memory!
Pogo says
I know some people who have paid as if their kid was attending, but was not for several months, to hold the spot.
Anonymous says
When we were looking for day care, the only places that would guarantee a spot in advance (with deposit) were crummy chains. None of the high-quality places would guarantee a spot.
Anonymous says
In my experience once kids are 2 a lot of places start operating on more academic-year schedules, where they bring in a bunch of kids in September. In this case, the classes start getting set around Feb/March, so you can have a guarenteed spot 6 months out.
Even for babies, we had infant spots secured 8 months out for 1 kid and 6 months out for the other. These were at centers where they knew when current kids would be moving out of the infant room (because it was aged-based) so it was easy for them to say “okay, Johnny turns 15 months on March 1, so we can guarantee you the March 8 spot you want for you new baby”.
Anonymous says
That’s fantastic! Our day care center wouldn’t make such commitments because they couldn’t be certain that Johnny wouldn’t move away or switch centers before March 1, meaning that they could fill the spot with another kid instead of holding it open for you until March 8.
Quail says
Think a lot about renting vs. buying. We made a similar cross-country move and ended up buying right away after taking some weekend trips to look at places, check out neighborhoods (we are not from this city but had lived here at various points). Glad we bought because the thought of moving again is too much to bear, especially since we conceived #2 about six months after we moved. This did mean a period of financial strain as we were putting down a down payment + paying for moving + paying both mortgage and rent for a month or two + furnishing a bigger/different place, so consider having a chunk of cash put aside for this purpose. You may also have trouble qualifying for a mortgage in the new city without your job locked down, so you might want to start shopping around for mortgage brokers who will work with you to overcome some of those hurdles if you do want to buy right away (I just transferred offices, so had no gap, and it was still a pain. And only my income counted.). We also looked at preschools, etc when we were out for the weekend (we must have taken long weekends, I guess) but had to wait to get off the waiting list.
Logistically: moving with a cross-country van service means your stuff’s arrival will be unpredictable. Can you stay with someone? Drive with everything essential you need? Take a trip in the interim to avoid living in a house/apartment with no couch and only an assortment of folding chairs for 2 weeks since your couch is on the truck (aka me last summer)? What about child care on the new-city end while you unpack?
See if your new city has a parents forum. I found it invaluable for learning about neighborhoods, schools, etc. Maybe since you have a lot of connections there you can glean this information through them, but in a big city it might be hard to get all the specific information you want.
OP says
Thank you! We are definitely in this space – if we find something that fits the bill and that we love, we’d be open to buying from afar. We have about 2-5 neighborhoods in mind, a few of which we just need to explore some more. I am concerned a bout the mortgage piece given that I’m still job searching, but the sound of moving twice in a year (give or take) also sounds awful.
Fortunately, we can stay with my parents as long as we need and they can help with child care as needed but only want to do this on a temporary basis. You have inspired me to see if DH’s backup care benefit would apply the new city, and since it’s with a national chain I think it would!
RR says
We did this last year. It was a lot. We knew about 6 months in advance. I just broke everything down into lists, with timelines. So, I had a house hunting list, with goals for x weeks out, y weeks out, etc. We ended up buying a house that we closed on a month before we moved. Then I had a moving checklist, with goals and all the little tasks. We packed every weekend. Start packing stuff you don’t need (or just hire someone else to pack everything up for you and unpack it at the other end if you can afford it–we couldn’t). Then I had a “selling our old house” checklist, with all the little things that needed done. We knew we weren’t putting it on the market until after we moved, but any kind of work inevitably has delays. I had childcare checklists, school registration checklists, stuff to buy for the new house checklists. You name it, I had a list for it, all broken down into goals based on time. Then I rolled the tasks into my regular daily/weekly/monthly task lists and just worked through them one by one. It felt insurmountable at the beginning, but somehow we ended up in a great new house, having sold our old house, with good childcare and the kids in all the activities and school setups we needed, and we could relax again.
ALC says
What was your routine like on maternity leave for weeks 6-12? We’re not really on a consistent nap schedule yet but trying to figure out what to do all day. Thanks!
Anonymous says
My baby never established a schedule and would only nap when held or when in motion in the car seat. By week 8 or so I was going stir-crazy and needed to get out of the house as much as possible. Immediately after the second morning feeding, I’d usually take her out for a quick outing to Target, the botanical garden, etc., aiming to get home before the next feeding. In the afternoon I usually held her while reading or watching Netflix or walked around the house or the neighborhood while babywearing. Once in a while I’d attempt a longer outing to someplace with a mother’s room where I could feed the baby.
Anon says
At that age my daughter was rarely awake for more than 1.5-2 hours and was eating a large portion of the time she was awake, so we basically never left the house except for to go to a restaurant. I did a LOT of reading, often aloud to her, while she was nursing and having “play time” (ie., lying on activity mat). Soon they’ll be mobile so I would take advantage of the fact that for now you can just set them down and have your hands free, whether it’s to read, to work or to do household chores!
Anonymous says
I napped, watched tv, and went for walks.
Ashley says
Walks with the stroller almost daily–we had a stroller with bassinet option so I usually tried to time a walk around when I thought baby might nap, then I’d keep walking as long as he’d sleep because inevitably baby would wake up if I stopped moving. Got hooked on horrible daytime TV and watched a couple of series on netflix. Went to target a lot just to look around. Lunch or coffee with friends who were able (some work friends, some who were SAHMs). I was awful about taking naps but in hindsight I should’ve been more diligent because the sleep deprivation made me crazy.
Anon says
I started going to a recenter that had stroller workouts around the track for moms with babies. It was a little exhausting but nice to get out of the house and talk to other moms in a positive environment. My baby often fell asleep on the drive home, and I would bring in the car seat carrier and have time to shower, which felt great. I think I also started going to the library once in a while. My mom and sister and a few friends would come visit too. Nothing too crazy.
Pogo says
Don’t stress about getting baby to nap alone in their crib. If you feel like making a project out of it, go for it, and g o o g l e some schedules and try to stick to them. But I’m glad that for the most part I cherished the snuggles and let baby nap on me in those days – like others have said, in weeks 6-12 he was still roughly on a 24 hour clock of 2-3 hour eat/sleep cycles, usually with one longer sleep chunk in the late evening.
Other activities: Stroller walks and letting baby nap in the car seat; trips to the coffee shop or the store with baby in a wrap or carrier.
Anon says
I did a baby boot camp a lot of days (bring your baby, work out while they are in stroller). There might be one near you? It’s a national franchise. Loved mine, it was amazing mentally and physically. I also was part of an organized mom’s group and we got together frequently. I’m kind of a joiner :)
anon says
survival. but again i had twins, so my experience was a bit different than most. Stroller Strides is the baby bootcamp someone mentioned above or Fit4Moms. The hospitals near me also had a lot of groups for new moms
Anon says
I’m the 12:03 poster, the group I did was actually just called Baby boot Camp, if it helps https://www.babybootcamp.com/
Emily S. says
6 weeks was when I tried to get into more of a routine. Something like, laundry during baby’s am nap, then playtime/awake time, then lunch together, nap or Netflix and veg during baby’s afternoon nap, wake and feed, then errand and prep/make dinner during afternoon and early afternoon awake time. Having some consistency helped me have something to look forward to the next day or forced me to actually do chores (otherwise, I’d still be working through piles of laundry because I’m inclined to procrastinate.) I think around 8-12 weeks was when I stepped up my exercise and tried to get out of the house for social visits more (i.e., lunch with friends, dropped by work to show off the baby.) Especially in weeks 10-12 it was helpful to start getting up at the same time I would need to be awake when I went back to work.
NYCer says
A stroller walk timed to a nap every single day. Usually, we would go around 10:45 or 11am, and often I would tie in one errand (grocery store, drug store, picking up lunch for me, etc.)
During her earlier morning nap, I would do laundry, make myself breakfast, do an exercise video somedays depending on how long she slept (caveat: we have a great sleeper!). During her afternoon nap, I tended to read or watch tv. We usually tried to go outside again in the late afternoon or evening – sometimes another errand, sometimes a walk, sometimes sitting on a bench in the park. We got into a pretty good rhythm by about 8 weeks.
GCA says
Baby was (and is) a pretty appalling stroller napper and far better at-home-on-flat-surface napper. I got through an entire season of Star Trek: Discovery in a single week, plus multiple books while on maternity leave this time last year. I also took her to baby yoga (Murphy’s law: she fell asleep on the way) and did a lot of pelvic floor PT workouts.
Anonymous says
The perennial debate: when to TTC? My husband and I will be finishing paying off our law school loans this year (yay!) (I’m a third year, he’s a fourth year–weird to think about now that the first years are starting wow). Sometimes we’re like, wow it’d be so great to make money next week and be able to sock it all away in our HCOL city before we change jobs that don’t make this much money (and we’re very thankful for this luck!) and then sometimes we’re like, we’re emotionally ready, we should TTC now, I’ve always wanted kids around age 30, and as a junior, I am pretty replaceable on deals so why not. Having kids later is obviously an option too.
We’re not near family, though, and sometimes we also dream of raising our kids near grandparents (we know, they won’t necessarily be there to babysit, but we both had grandparents around to hang out with and come from cultures where grandparents are involved). We will probably end up moving in a few years to do that.
Thoughts? Wait until we move if it’s going to be within 1-2 years? Not sure what I’m asking, it’s just a lot of thoughts I have jumbled in my head and I’m in a slow period so been dwelling too long on it perhaps.
Anonymous says
Do not base any decision about TTC on the availability of local family. We moved to be near one set of grandparents, who then decided to become snowbirds and spend a third of the year in another state, and to ramp up their travel the rest of the time. We weren’t counting on child care either, just visits, but we probably see them for a couple of hours every other month at most. We’d actually get more time with them if we lived out of town and visited for a few days a year. Do what’s best for you as a couple, under the assumption that you will be 100% on your own and any family involvement is just a nice bonus.
Anon says
Agree with this. I also don’t think it’s a big deal for kids to move as infants or toddlers, so in your shoes I’d probably TTC now and if you end up deciding to move to be near family in a couple years, it won’t be a big deal. I didn’t have kids when I worked in Big Law but my sense was 2nd-4th year is sort of the prime time – you’ve learned the ropes and are not a clueless first year in way over your head, but you’re still relatively junior, easily replaceable (as you noted) and not trying to make the push for partner yet.
Deema says
Ugh, are you me? We are feeling exactly the same way, we see grandparents who live an hour and a half away about twice a month, for an afternoon at a time. Like you, we feel like we would see them more if we visited for days at a time. (Though logically I know that if we lived a plane ride away, those visits would likely only happen once or twice a year, whereas now at least they see the kids more consistently and can participate in things like dance recitals and school events.)
Anon says
Seeing grandparents twice a month seems like a great amount to me. That means that they are knowledgeable about what is happening in the kids life, but still leaves you time to be a just your little family. In contrast, I saw my grandparents once or maybe twice a year, and they just had no idea what I was involved with or what was appropriate to discuss with a kid of my age.
Anon says
Yeah, seeing them twice a month for a few hours at a time sounds absolutely ideal to me! My parents live far away but visit us frequently (probably 3 or 4 weeks/year), so the total time spent with them might be the same or higher. But they don’t get to know my kids “normal” life, see them interact with friends, attend ballet recitals and grandparents’ day events, or participate in daily rituals like chores and meal prep (everyone is basically “on vacation” when they’re here). My parents and I are close in some ways but can really annoy each other and usually everyone wants to kill each other by day 3 of a visit. Smaller amounts of time more frequently would be much more ideal to me.
OP says
Hi! Agreed that seeing grandparents twice a month seems like a wonderful amount! I’d love my kids to see my parents more than just for a few days a year around holidays and have visits be a part of “normal,” regular life than just a special trip.
OP says
Thanks. Yes, definitely something we keep in mind. His parents travel a lot. My parents are not travelers and I was raised in an Asian culture where the grandparents are traditionally very involved. (If it were up to my parents, they’d live with us, as they had lived with their grandparents growing up in their home countries!) But we’re definitely not counting on them being able to emergency babysit, no matter what they say right now haha
Anon says
I agree with the above poster: do not plan your childbearing around the availability of grandparents.
And to be blunt, your thoughts are jumbled because you sound like someone without a concrete plan. If you want to move out of a HCOL area for the quality of life issues, then make that move well in advance of TTC (so that you can adjust to the new city, make friends, get settled in at work, and be eligible for FLMA). That means that both you and your husband will have to job hunt in that city. Are you both able to move there fairly easily? What type of jobs are you able to get?
When you talk about “changing jobs,” what type of jobs are you changing to? Are you better doing that as a third year or a fifth year? Are both you and your husband changing jobs because you want to, or because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do?
Would it be easier to stay in your law firm until after you have kids, and then “lean out” once you’re done with childbearing?
OP says
Great questions!! We could probably both move to the new city fairly easily. My husband probably could relocate internally (not 100% guaranteed, of course) though I think he’s reluctant to ask until next year because he recently lateraled and is changing his practice focus slightly compared to his prior work. I would have to move to a new firm and that’s just not possible until probably summer 2020 at the earliest. I recently changed practices and, based on chats with recruiters, don’t have enough relevant experience yet so the earliest interviewing would start is next spring 2020 (not a bad option though). We both agree a move to biglaw would be easiest to change markets. Both of us would rather go in-house in the long-run, so I think my husband would be open to seeking those jobs if we end up moving over a year from now. I need a few more years in this practice under my belt before I can do that.
We look at the partners of our firms and know that that kind of career and lifestyle is not for us. So, we’re happy to grind it out as long as needed, but we ultimately want to go in-house and probably in the market where the grandparents live. It just seems slightly easier to make that move when we’re already in the market.
We definitely do not have concrete plans. We talked about moving in 2021 when our lease is up, so that’s a concrete marker at the moment.
Anonymous says
If you’re around 30, I would consider starting TTC in the next few months. I had my kids at 31 and 34 (4th and 7th years), not in Biglaw but it was at a great point in my career because I was still replaceable on deals at 4th year so no one was too bothered by my maternity leave. and I was able to move to a family friendly job in my 6th year before kid #2.
Anon says
This is such a a personal decision. I started TTC at 30 and has my first at 34, so I’m maybe not the best example. But I often wish we could’ve have kids when we were younger, our own parents were younger, and to give us more options in terms of spacing out our family.
OP says
Yes! His parents are close to 70 and very spry, so we’d love for them to have fun times with the grandkids while that’s still the case!
Anonny says
My advice is to not delay child-bearing unless you don’t feel emotionally ready to have a child. All the rest of it (job, finances, location, childcare) will fall into place. My husband and I married at age 28, but were still paying off loans until I was 30. At that point, I was ready to TTC, but we were both working super long hours and thought we should wait until we were a bit more established in our careers/had built up more of a nest egg/had bought a house. So, we did those things, and started TTC at age 33… and then discovered I basically am infertile (premature ovarian failure) and should have been trying to have kids a LOT younger. I am now 36 and expecting my first child next year via donor egg. I know I will love my baby the same whether or not we share genes, and who knows if we would have been successful if we had started TTC when I was 28 or 30 instead of 33, but I can’t help but think it all would have been a lot easier if we hadn’t delayed TTC. (And even if you aren’t emotionally ready TTC now, go and get your AMH and FSH tested to get an idea of what your fertility looks like!)
OP says
Thanks for this. In terms of ages of , this is precisely the situation we’re in. The fertility issue is such an unknown–thanks for raising these points. Sending lots of good vibes to you and your soon to be little one!
Anonymous says
If it’s not too late- just go for it. “Worst” case, you get pregnant next month and you have 9-10 months to save money. More likely, you’ll have 13-15 months to save before your baby arrives. In a truely tough scenario, you’ll have trouble conceiving and you want to know that asap.
I had kids at 29, 32 and 34. It took me 9 months to get pregnant with my first, and 1 month with my last. You just never know!
OP says
Not too late! Good points re timeline of saving money. Thank you!
Anonymous says
spamtest123
London says
DH has to go to London at the end of October for a day or two of meetings. Neither of us have ever been there. We are in the Midwest. We have a kiddo who will turn four earlier in October, and I’d really love for kiddo and me to spend some time in London, too. We could either go before or after his meetings for 3-5 days or go for longer and entertain ourselves during DH’s commitments. I’m not sure of the politics at his office of the latter option.
Is London good for preschoolers? Ideas on what to do? Or is the whole idea of a time change for less than a week more trouble than it is worth? Give me all your comments!
Anon says
I would totally go! I don’t have specific London recs (my last trip there was in….2007? definitely pre-kids) but we’ve gone to Europe several times with toddlers and I’ve always found it’s super fun and totally worth the jetlag and dealing with the time change. While DH is working, you and the preschooler could do a daytrip or quick overnight trip to Paris on the Eurostar.
Anonymous says
Do it! I wouldn’t suggest Paris as a solo daytrip with the toddler (too long/exhausting), but if you want to get out of the city it’s really easy to take a train or bus to somewhere closer.
Audrey III says
Do it! Was just there and visited Hampton Court just outside city and they had TONS of kids activities that made me wish my 4 year old was there.
Anonymous says
Go! London is fun. The subway alone will entertain your child. I’ve never visited with kids, but I imagine there’s tons to do with them. All the standard tourist things like Tower of London, Tower Bridge, riding a double-decker bus, the Eye, maybe a kid-friendly event in West End, British Museum to see everything the empire stole from the rest of the world (it must have a kid section, I assume?).
You could also take the train out to the countryside and see racehorses exercising or visit any of the dozens of old cathedrals and castle ruins. Warwick Castle is a big, commercial one. It’s a couple hours out of London but a 4 year old would probably love it.
DLC says
We went to England for a few days with our daughter when she was two and had a great time. We went to the Tate Modern and the Science Museum and did a lot of walking. We ended up at the science museum because the line to the Natural History Museum was quite long, but it turns out the Science Museum was super kid friendly- there was a play space and a Bubble show. We also went in the middle of winter, so there were definitely things like Kew Gardens and Hyde Park that I would have loved to see, but we didn’t because of the weather. I think as long as you keep your expectations low and have plenty of snacks it should be a good time. Most of the museums we went to were free so you don’t have to feel like you need to stay super long if someone is having a meltdown or getting tired.
RR says
We did a London trip with all three of our kids last year. The youngest was 4. She definitely had crabby moments, without question. We drug her on one of those all-day tours, and have pics of her throwing a fit in front of Stonehenge. But, overall, we had a blast, and she still remembers it and talks about it. There’s so much for them to do! My husband took them to the science museum while I did a work thing, which they all loved. We did a double decker bus tour, rode in a black cab, went to the Tower of London, did a day trip to the Harry Potter studios, etc. It was really fun, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
GCA says
Yes! London is pretty fun for kids. The subway alone will be an adventure. I’d go for the week, allow kiddo to adjust to the time change, and that extra time allows you to build in downtime and move at kid pace.
Redux says
Has anyone here pushed back on homework in kindergarten? My kiddo woke up crying today because she was worried that she didn’t do her homework right. Yesterday it was the first thing she said to me when I got home: I have to do my homework. We forgot to send back her worksheet the day prior and so she didn’t get that day’s reward certificate (like tickets you can cash in for a prize) and she cried. We are reassuring her that the homework is no big deal and that it’s just a chance to practice what she’s learning in school, but she is an extremely bright, people-pleaser and obviously internalizing this as a measure of her worth. I myself struggled with this as a child– I was always the first in my class but had terrible anxiety about school and homework that only worsened over time.
I have read a lot of media coverage about how homework at young ages does not benefit the child. I expected that homework at this age would be “read for 15 minutes” or something that we do anyway that is just meant to form good habits and relationships, etc., but nope, we are getting worksheets. My gut is to tell the teacher that we won’t be doing homework, but I don’t want to start off the year/ school relationship on a bad foot with the administration. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Anon says
How long is it taking? Our school’s guideline is 10 minutes per grade level, so in K it should be 10 minutes or less. If it’s taking longer than that, I’d absolutely push back. But I wouldn’t tell the teacher “nope, we don’t do homework.” Homework is part of going to school (IMO, it’s one of the big things, if not the biggest thing, that separates kindergarten from preschool) and you really don’t want to start off on that foot with the teacher.
If she’s worried she’s not doing it right, can you help her check it?
NYCer says
No direct experience with this, but if your daughter was upset because she didn’t get the reward certificate yesterday, it doesn’t seem like just not doing the homework ever will work in your situation since presumably she would never get the reward certificate. Wouldn’t she be bummed every day in that case?
I guess I would try to focus on making the worksheets fun (Is that possible? I don’t even know) and emphasizing good effort rather than doing the homework “right.” I cannot imagine that the K teachers are really grading the worksheets, so turning in something would probably be enough to get the reward certificate.
[ps – I am definitely not a fan of homework for kids this age either. I am just not sure what the right solution here is…]
avocado says
If your daughter was upset about not turning in her homework, I’m not sure that opting out of homework completely would be the best solution for her. I would set up a meeting or phone conversation with the teacher but go in asking questions instead of making declarations. How long are students expected to spend on homework each night? What if the homework takes much longer than it’s supposed to, either occasionally or on a regular basis? Then explain how much time your child has been spending and how anxious she is about homework, and ask the teacher what solutions she would suggest.
At our elementary school, most teachers would announce at the beginning of the year that if homework took more than 10 minutes per grade per night (so, e.g., third-graders should not spend more than 30 minutes per night), the parent could tell the kid to stop and write a note to the teacher, and the child could complete the homework at another time.
It’s also important to teach kids how to prioritize. Some homework needs to be done perfectly and double-checked, but other things (busywork that is only graded on completion and has little or no educational value) just need to be “good enough.” My kid can sometimes be a perfectionist about some things that don’t matter (while at the same time being sloppy with some things that do matter), and in elementary school I sometimes had to tell her that she’d spent more time than intended and it was time just to do an OK job and be done.
Anonymous says
I think you’re jumping the gun. Don’t tell the teacher you won’t be doing homework. Explain to the teacher the struggles you are having and ask for advice and help.
Anon says
I think teachers react a lot better to being asked for advice than being told things. I would basically contact the teacher and say what you’ve said here – that your child has anxiety about doing the homework wrong or forgetting to turn it in, what would they suggest? Maybe the teacher can talk to your child and emphasize that effort is more important than accuracy, and she just needs to do her best to get the sticker. Maybe if she forgets it one day she can turn it in up to one day late and still get the sticker. I don’t know, they’ll probably have better ideas, but I’d frame it as “my kid is having these issues, what do you advise?” That seems a lot more diplomatic than just informing the teacher she won’t be doing the homework.
Spirograph says
Yes. And the teacher didn’t care. We discussed it with her at the parent-teacher conference and basically said “[son] is having a tough adjustment to sitting still at school all day, and is exhausted by the time he gets home. We don’t have a ton of time together in the evenings, and I don’t want to make homework a battle, what is really the expectation?” She assured us it wasn’t graded, it was just to reinforce things they were learning in class. It’s more valuable for some kids than others, and she wasn’t concerned about my son’s academic performance. The one thing she felt strongly about was reading aloud with the child every night; we do bedtime stories anyway, so that was not an issue. So, with her blessing, we treated homework as totally optional in K. It was intended to take 5 min or less per night and the notebook was turned in every Friday. A couple times a week, we’d ask kiddo if he wanted to do some homework. Usually the answer was yes. If not, we didn’t push it.
Like you, I philosophically disagree with assigning homework to K and early elementary kids at all, but I didn’t want to get into that.
Anonymous says
This is basically what we did.
There’s no evidence that homework beyond reading to your kid every night impacts educational outcomes before grade 6.
Redux says
This is helpful, thanks! I will try this.
rakma says
So I’d also like to just banish homework after the 15 excruciating minutes I spent trying to get my DD to write a lowercase a rather than an uppercase A (But I’m better at uppercase! the lowercase looks bad! I want it to look good!)
My read from my teacher friends is they want to see what the kids are retaining, and so if the homework isn’t done ‘right’, or they can’t finish it in a reasonable amount of time, that’s something the teacher wants to know about. The teacher might have input, or information to help you navigate this.
We have open house next week, so I’m going to wait to hear what the teacher’s expectations of homework are, but sending an email for clarification would also be OK at this point I think.
Deema says
Honestly, remembering to bring and turn in the homework is just as much a part of the lesson as doing the homework. I forgot to bring back my daughter’s take-home folder this morning, and as the teacher was collecting it, I heard her ask my daughter where it was, and my daughter said, “My mommy forgot to bring it.” And the teacher gently said, “Well, no, that’s your responsibility.” I had been considering running home and getting the folder but then I realized — no, that’s the lesson. It’s teaching my daughter that SHE needs to remember her folder. The disappointment of teacher disapproval or not getting the reward certificate is part of the lesson. We can’t protect our kids from that disappointment.
RR says
I would have a conversation with the teacher. We’ve been lucky to have very low homework expectations in elementary school because our teachers subscribe to the research saying that it’s not beneficial. There’s no reason for a kindergarten student to be stressed about homework.
Redux says
OP here. The timing (so far) is not that big of a deal. It’s supposed to take less than 10 min for the worksheets, plus 15 minutes of reading (we do more than that anyway between our two kids). It’s the fact of the homework that is giving her anxiety– that she has it, is unsure of doing it “correctly,” remembering to return it, then getting the reward. We do it with her and give her positive feedback along the way, but she is just prone to anxiety I guess and this is definitely exasperating that. Thanks for the feedback about talking with the teacher. I really want to reject the homework all together, but I realize there is a cost-benefit to that.
Anonymous says
The anxiety about doing things correctly and spending too much time and energy trying to be “perfect” are such common things for little girls (I can relate, I bet many of us can)… you may want to spend a little extra time trying to nip that in the bud. There’s some interesting research about how internalizing the 80/20 rule early in life has all kinds of benefits, and it seems to come easier to boys than girls.
Redux says
Yes, writing this all out has made me think that the anxiety is the real issue, not necessarily its source. Can you say more about the 80/20 rule?
Anonymous says
If you google this, or the Pareto Principle, you’ll get tons of resources. Basically, it’s the idea that 80% of the outcomes come from 20% of your actions. Or, put another way, learn to identify the 20% of stuff that actually matters, and focus your efforts there. Know when it’s good enough to be good enough, and when you really need to focus on the details to get things absolutely correct.
A lot of boys do this naturally because US public schools are not their happy place. They do the minimum and are off to roll in the mud. It is more common for girls than boys to miss the big picture and strive for attention to detail in all things. In real life and in business, this translates to men being “naturally” better at letting the unimportant things slide so they can put their attention toward things that will advance their career, because that’s how they’ve always done things. While women (like me!) will agonize over the wording of an email instead of making real progress on a project.
avocado says
From a mom who has been through all sorts of homework battles, including multiple eighth-grader homework meltdowns already this year: Ten minutes of homework sounds reasonable and appropriate for a kindergartener. This is a great opportunity for her to work through her anxiety with your guidance while the stakes are still low. I know it’s overwhelming while you are in the thick of it, and you want to do whatever you can to reduce the stress for your child and for yourself. But one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the opportunity to face challenges and deal with failure. If she is upset that she forgot to turn in her homework yesterday, help her brainstorm a system that will ensure that she doesn’t forget it next time (e.g., homework goes into the homework folder in the backpack immediately upon completion).
If homework anxiety is truly disproportionate, lasts more than a couple of weeks, and is ruining her life, it’s definitely worth setting up a meeting with the teacher and perhaps the school counselor to brainstorm supports and solutions to help your daughter put homework in perspective.
Redux says
This is a super kind and helpful comment, thank you!
Pigpen's Mama says
My new Kindergartner has been anxious about making mistakes at school, specifically being the only one who makes mistakes. We haven’t had any issues with homework, since it’s only been reading books, but I’ve seen her melt down about not getting letters right sometimes. Her father and I assured her that we make mistakes all the time, and it’s perfectly normal to make them, and that’s the way we learn.
I’ve also been reading her two books that I’ll link to in a reply — The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes and The Most Magnificent Thing, both feature little girls who experience something less than perfection. They seem to have helped a little, but it’s definitely an on-going battle — one that I am still fighting myself!
Redux says
Thanks, we’ll check out those books! I would love to give my kiddo skills for dealing with the perfectionist-related anxiety I had as a kid (and sometimes still have).
Anon says
I am so opposed to homework in elementary school. It’s honestly ridiculous. Kids need time to do things other than sit around doing worksheets. I don’t understand how we got to this place in our culture, but it’s frustrating! I hope you push back.
CPA Lady says
You might find the book “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents” helpful. It’s very eye opening what actually helps kids overcome anxiety.
The biggest thing that causes it is when it is indulged. Like if your kid is afraid of something, you stop making them do it. Because that is sending the message that you agree with your child that it is too hard for them to be able to do.
The pattern goes like this:
Anxious feeling –> avoidance –> feeling of relief –> anxiety strengthened
It was shocking to me, but makes a ton of sense.
I completely agree that homework is an obnoxious waste of time for little kids and it should be abolished, but letting her avoid homework is not going to cure her anxious perfectionism.
Redux says
Thank you for this recommendation. I will check out this book!
nightgowns says
Does anyone wear nightgowns? I usually get home, change out of work clothes and into a t-shirt and shorts, or a t-shirt dress (in cold weather, leggings, socks, and sweatshirt) and then go to sleep in those clothes. But recently I’ve been noticing a lot of really nice nightgowns–nothing too racy or fancy, just pretty and simple. But I’m wondering if 1) this is really practical or is it silly to imagine lounging around in a pretty nightgown for the evening, and 2) is this borderline old lady, middle aged mom behavior. I mean, I AM a middle aged mom and I usually embrace that but . . . anyway, before I spend money on one, thought I’d see what others do. I don’t really want to go through two steps of changing out of work clothes into t-shirt and shorts, and then into nightgown before I get in bed, but maybe that would be the only way?
Anonymous says
Why does it matter what anyone else does? Try it and see whether you like it!
rakma says
For me, nightgowns are strictly pajamas, and they’ve fallen out of the rotation lately because I find the lounge clothes that are also pajamas to be more practical. I can do the preschool run or bus drop off in leggings and a t shirt, but not in a nightgown.
I do still get a lot of use out of my flannel nightgowns though, there’s something comforting about them that makes it worth the additional changes.
Anon says
I’ve been sleeping in nightgowns lately because I’m super pregnant and none of my sleep pants fit. But I actually do prefer it- mostly because I sleep without underwear and pants tend to feel tight and give me wedgies in the middle of the night. I don’t tend to lounge around the house in my nightgown though- it is definitely a “put it on as part of going to sleep” thing. I have mostly knee length cotton nightgowns.
Cb says
I have two Henley style knit nightgowns from the gap and love them. I sleep just in my undies but use these after my shower and before bed. I pull on leggings if I’m lounging around the house.
T says
I wear cheapo Amazon nightgowns every night, basically just a jersey tank dress. I lounge around the house in them and just get changed to go somewhere.
Anon says
how do people handle discouraging food throwing by toddlers? my 16 month old twins both do this, though when one starts it often encourages the other and one has just discovered the word “no” and likes to say “no,no,no” (which i must admit sounds quite cute) and throw food on the ground (not so cute). i’ve read everything from ignore it, to trying to grab their hand before they throw it and say “i will not let you do that,” to taking them out of the high chair, but i typically do dinner solo and i only have so many hands. i know this is common behavior, but just want to make sure i’m consistent in my response. what has worked for others?
Anonymous says
It’s extra hard with twins because the one who doesn’t throw it will most likely find the whole thing hilarious and encourage his/her sibling to keep doing it.
If they’re still eating off high chair trays, we had good luck with limiting how much food we gave them at once, so there was less to throw.
Spirograph says
Take the food away the first time they throw it. You can give it back after a minute or two if they really are not done eating yet, but immediate consequence is the only way to get through to kids that age. A book I read (someone please credit if this sounds familiar! It might be 1-2-3 Magic) said, children are not small rational beings. Disciplining a child is more like training an animal than like rationalizing with an adult. So, think of how you would train a dog: “No” in a stern voice, and then somehow physically prevent the undesired behavior.
If you pick up the food and put it back on their plate/tray, they just think it’s a game, and you’ll be doing it for the entire meal.
AwayEmily says
Yes, this. We take the food away once, with a stern NO and tell them “if you do that again, dinner is over.” Then if they do it again the meal is over, full stop, no negotiation, no matter how much food they have left. 90% of the time when they throw food, they are mostly done anyway.
Anon says
When my daughter was ~14 months I had luck teaching her to hand me back food she didn’t want instead of throwing. I “trained” her over a weekend when my husband was out of town and the dog was at a dog sitter, which I think helped a lot. She occasionally still does it, but it’s much more clearly because she’s trying to be naughty, not because she thinks unwanted food belongs on the floor.
Anonymous says
I used to remove the tray of the offending twin and then hand feed them (e.g. spoon food into their mouth). Mine loved to feed themselves so watching their sibling get to feed themselves while I fed them was motivating for good behaviour. I tried to do a ‘main’ (protein/veg) and a dessert (fruit) and let the offending twin have a second chance with the tray/self-feeding for dessert.
Anonymous says
“i will not let you do that,” – this phrasing is too complicated for a 16 month old. I would just repeat the rule “no throwing food” as you prevent the throwing.
Anonymous says
+1. “No” sometimes works with my 16-month-old nephew. “I won’t let you do that” does not.
OP says
so the problem is my child thinks the word “no” is hilarious, no matter how sternly i say it. one twin takes it seriously but the other thinks it is so funny, especially now that she can say the word. sometimes this also happens at the beginning of the meal, so if i take the food away and then she doesn’t stop throwing and i take her out, she just literally doesn’t get dinner? and then what happens with that is she goes away to play, and the twin who is still eating sees her playing (we have an open concept) and decides that he too would rather play than eat
Anonymous says
She doesn’t go away to play. You either hand feed her so she can’t throw food if it’s at the beginning of the meal or she waits in the highchair until her sibling is finished if it’s near the end of the meal. Offer a before bed snack if you’re worried about hunger.
AwayEmily says
The way we do it is yes, they literally don’t get dinner if they throw food. We eat dinner at around 5:15 and bedtime is 7, so we will usually offer a snack before bed if mealtime ended early because of a transgression. By that time they’ve usually forgotten the food incident so I don’t think they connect the two.
And yeah, I would let the food-thrower get down and go play — or at least, that’s what we do (not twins but 18months apart). Usually, the one who leaves the table ends up pretty unhappy because the one still at the table gets all the parent attention (the rule is that once you get down from the table you have to play by yourself).
anon says
based on yesterday’s post about bows…can someone please explain the whole turban trend to me. i have girls and never thought i would do bows, but totally turned into that mom and i mean i guess the turbans block sun exposure, but they make me think of people who’ve lost their hair due to illness
Anon says
I think it’s so weird. They don’t block sun exposure on the face, just on the scalp so unless your kid stays bald for a longer-than-average time, it really seems like there is no health benefit to them. Just put your kid in a normal hat with a brim!
Anonymous says
I think the turbans are the latest twist, so to speak, on the idea that infants need to wear hats all the time for warmth, regardless of season. I would never have put a turban on my baby, as she always seemed to be hot.
Anon says
My best friend was legit horrified that my daughter never wore a hat indoors after coming home from the hospital. But like…why do they need a hat? We don’t keep our house at an icebox temperature and she was always quite bundled up for bed with the swaddles, etc. Even babies can communicate they’re cold by crying, and she never seemed like she was uncomfortable, so I was very shruggy guy emoji about it.
Nan says
I think they’re both adorable. That’s all.
anonn says
my daughter had almost no hair for 2 years, so a turban was an easy way to protect her head from the sun. she would mess with brimmed hats, or anything tied under her chin, but she left the turban alone, and it was cute. she didn’t really wear them indoors.
Anon says
My mom is so critical of the fact that my 19 month old hits and shoves other kids. Obviously it’s a problem, but I don’t know what we can do about it that we’re not already doing. Daycare teachers have agreed she needs to work on gentle touches but don’t seem overly concerned about it. It’s just so frustrating because my mom is always saying things to me like “you never hit other children, because you knew I wouldn’t have tolerated that.” OK mom, I’m sure my angelic toddler behavior has everything to do with your parenting skills and nothing to do with my personality or the fact that you were a SAHM and so I wasn’t really around other kids until I was much older. Is smug grandma a thing? If not, it should be.
rakma says
Is this a common dynamic with your mom, or is it just starting to come up in regards to parenting?
You might want to consider taking a step back from sharing frustrations with your mom about this–and potentially other kid-related frustrations. It can be hard to not share, particularly if you are close in other ways, but I’ve found that for the parts of my life that my mother just can’t seem to understand (“choosing” to work while my kids are young being a primary one) I can’t rely on her to be supportive. I found other people to commiserate about childcare woes and color week at Kindergarten (oh why must I find something green to wear on a random tuesday?!!) but I don’t discuss these things with my mom expecting support.
Anon says
Unfortunately, it’s based on her own observations not me sharing frustrations.
rakma says
Oh that’s rough. I try to shrug and brush off those comments, but it might be worth asking her to stop comparing your daughter and the kid-version of you. You’re different people, in different times with different experiences, it’s not fair to your daughter compared like that.
Also, just commiseration. Sometimes moms are hard.
Anonymous says
Smug grandma is a thing. Apparently my sister and I were angels compared to my hooligan 4 year old twin boys. A selective memory is a magical thing.
“Wow! Sister and I certainly weren’t typical then! You were so lucky to have easy kids. The daycare teachers tell us this is typical behavior for xyz age.”
Anonymous says
Yup grandma amnesia!! “I just put the baby in their crib and they went to sleep” oh oh cool.
Suomynona says
I propose “gramnesia.” ;)
Anonymous says
Yup, same. I love my mom and she is wonderful, but she often makes negative comments about my two boys (age 4 and 6) vs. how my twin sister and I were as kids (compliant pleasers). Drives me nuts.
Anonymous says
“We never followed a sleep schedule with you kids, you just rolled with it!”
“[Grandson] sure does hit his sister a lot!”
lsw says
Smug grandma is suuuuuuch a thing.
SC says
And FYI, smug grandpa is also a thing. My FIL says things like, “We never left our relatives’ so you guys could take a nap. You just rolled with it.” Meanwhile, those relatives use terms like tyrant and demon to describe 3-year-old DH.
Anonymous says
Why does grandma know about this?
SC says
Smug grandma is definitely a thing. I remember one Christmas when my grandmother “observed” that the grandchildren didn’t how to do stuff around the house and smugly announced that all four of her boys left home knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry (including ironing), and fix cars. And all four of their wives rolled their eyes! My grandmother was a total bad*ss and an awesome grandma, but let’s just say she remembered things differently than the rest of the family :-)
Anon says
I think the only response to this is “Mom, enough.”
Irish Midori says
Yes, it is a thing. I get the same from husband, too! “I would never have been allowed to do that!” Oh, clearly our kid is throwing a tantrum right now because we “allow” him do that… It’s always funny to me when MIL is around when he says stuff like that b/c her eyeroll is harder than mine. Ha!
Also, our parents’ generation used a lot of hitting to get compliance, so to the extent that was effective, I guess they win that one?
Anon says
Any good ideas for getting probiotics in toddler who aren’t old enough for gummies? It’s a flavorless powder that can be mixed into milk, water or food but since we switched from bottles to sippy cups, my kiddo rarely comes close to finishing a cup. Anything she eats with a spoon like yogurt winds up on her shirt as much as in her mouth. (Yes, we waste a lot of food…)
Anonymous says
Mix the powder into a small quantity of a very appealing beverage like chocolate milk or juice so she’ll finish it?
AwayEmily says
+1. Semi-melted ice cream also works.
Buddy Holly says
My kid would just eat the probiotic powder straight from a spoon (or lick off my finger when she was a very young toddler/older baby). YMMV, but something to try.
Anon says
Make smoothies with yogurt! Or add the powder to smoothies.
Anonanonanon says
We use florastor (they use it in pediatric nursing homes so I trust it) and the one we have has a slightly fruity flavour, so our daughter drinks it all even though she doesn’t normally drain a sippy cup.
Ashley says
We mix with yogurt… I put a very small amount in the bowl that I feed my toddler (so we don’t waste the probiotics!), then I fill the bowl up with more yogurt and let him feed himself the rest.
Returning from Maternity Leave says
FTM here. I’m nearing the end of maternity leave, and find myself randomly bursting into tears. Our nanny has started, and our baby loves her. She was the nanny for friends of ours and their baby, so I have all the faith and confidence in the world in her and taking care of our little one. I work in big law, but have generally enjoyed the work and my colleagues. Our practice group is small and we get along for the most part. I’m just worried about not being a good employee and not being a good mom. I know it’s going to be different and once I’m there it likely won’t be as bad as I’m making it out to be in my head.
Please tell me this is normal? I can do this, right?
Anon says
Totally normal. I’ve only returned from one maternity leave but the anticipation of returning was worse than actually returning. Good luck! You got this.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – Only one maternity leave under my belt, but the anticipation was killer. I have a very family friendly workplace generally and was still surprised how generous and understanding everyone was. And I also loved….using my brain, having colleagues, and not being home all day with a nursing baby.
In hindsight, for me, the roughest thing about returning was the nonsensical pressure I put on myself around pumping “enough” for DS. He would have been more than happy getting formula as a supplement.
Please be kind to yourself through this transition, buy some new things for your changing body (perhaps a new bag, too!), and schedule in some downtime at work (e.g. grabbing coffee alone or with a colleague) where you can.
Irish Midori says
Second to all of this. The pumping thing caught me by surprise–that was the hardest part of returning, which I didn’t really realize until I stopped. It was not only an energy and time suck, it also kept my hormones at a nutty place. You do you, but for me there was comfort and relief in remembering that the benefits of bre@stmilk come from the presence of bre@stmilk, not from the absence of formula.
Anonymous says
Total normal. Tell yourself what you would tell your BFF in that situation – you’re a good mom and you will be a good employee again when you go back to work. You have been a good employee to date, there is no reason to think that will change. You don’t have to be the best lawyer ever. Just be the best lawyer you can be for where your life is right now. And that’s not the same place as before you went on leave. On the mom front, there is no perfect mother. Your baby is well cared for and loved, anything else is just noise.
Anonymous says
It may be normal? But if you are often randomly crying I would say talk to your OB about whether this could be postpartum depression.
Anonymous says
This is normal, and if you need confirmation, you can ask my doorman who comforted me as I turned into a ball of tears after dropping my first baby off at daycare.
Anonanonanon says
This is probably the most normal thing in the world.
Schedule a lunch or something to catch up with colleagues your first week back to give yourself something to look forward to and get caught up on the gossip. Enjoy sipping a coffee all alone. It will be hard at first and then it will be perfectly normal, I promise.
Ashley says
You can do it! Totally normal. But I will second what someone said above… for me, crying all the time is a sign that depression/anxiety issues are flaring up. If it continues, consider talking to your doctor.
lsw says
Being a stepparent can be so hard and I feel like there are no resources or books out there, ARGH. I read one decent book but it was from the 80s or 90s and the general sense of stepfamilies was that the bio mom and stepdad had the kids full time, not a lot of info on shared custody. I just feel like there are no resources and it’s sometimes just really challenging. I don’t have any other friends with stepchildren and sometimes it just feels really alone!
Anon says
Do you know anyone who was a stepchild? (I was.)
lsw says
My husband’s older half sister, who I know pretty well, but she’s so much older than us and was already 16 when my in laws married. I don’t think I really know any others.
Anon says
What specific issues are you facing?
Coach Laura says
Sounds frustrating. Is there a forum for step moms like Corporette or on FaceBook like the one I’m in for cancer survivors? Maybe you could post here and set up a closed facebook group for Corporette moms? Or write that book yourself after researching it and talking to people?