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5 YO Behavior Help says
I think I could benefit from some groupthink about my 5 year old. For context, currently an only and will be going to K in 2 weeks. I’m pregnant with #2 due on Thanksgiving. She’s outwardly excited (thrilled) about both, but obviously some Big Changes which may or may not (I tend to think not, not yet anyway) are playing in here.
She’s an average 5 year old – not an angel/not a devil, but strong willed and pushes boundaries. Responds to consequences generally. However, we’ve entered in to a pattern at bedtime where we’ll brush teeth/potty, read book and then WHAM – utter defiance. It ranges from screaming at us things that don’t make a ton of sense but some 5-year old interpretation of “I’m going to leave this family if you make me do X” or “I’m going to send you to your room without dinner for a week” or other frankly mean (if she meant it, I suppose) phrases that (a) I’m not really sure where she got them from and (b) I really don’t think she knows what she’s saying. It’s just a total outburst. The phrases aren’t even as cohesive as my examples – some jumble of the general phrase, which tells me she’s repeating something she’s hearing without knowing what it means, perhaps.
We’ve responded with a range of approaches – kindness/calmness, validating feelings to straight up yelling and demanding she get in her bed (never productive), ignoring it fully, offering a hug (which is possibly the most effective diffuser) and then conversations about how words hurt. Sometimes we’ve even started sort of smirking at her in a “you’re being ridiculous” sort of way and she ends up smiling but then reverting back to yelling. So, it also feels like she really is in control of what she’s doing and yet…. just does it.
It’s tough because there’s no in-the-moment consequence that we can think of – we’re done for the night. Taking way TV for the next day, for example, doesn’t sound like the punishment fits the crime. Taking away a treat like ice cream, which she may or may not be having the next day, feels random and ineffective, as another example. By the time we tell her today that she can’t watch TV because of last night’s behavior, I think that will be lost on her. There’s not really much else of a consequence to hand out.
She responds well to consequences in other settings but this time of day just kind of has me puzzled. I don’t think she’s over tired. When we do the “do you need a hug” or “I’ll be over here [usually in next room] when you’re ready to talk using nice words” she eventually comes over and we coerce an “I’m sorry” out of her but I don’t think it’s genuine because she just does it again the next night. FWIW, once she’s in bed, she stays in bed. It’s literally just this 20-ish minute window between last moments awake and getting in to bed/falling asleep.
Appreciate if you’ve read this far. Any thoughts? What can we do in the moment?
AwayEmily says
What about breaking the cycle by doing something else after teeth/potty/book. Tell her in advance that you’ve been noticing that she’s been struggling before bed, and sometimes doing something new can help, and so tonight after books you’re going to do something special. Maybe that’s…a walk around the block, or going to the parents’ room and practicing somersaults on the bed, or listening to a short podcast [FWIW I would go for a walk around the block, I feel like being outside has a strong calming effect on my children].
My kids definitely get in similar ruts where it’s just like a particular situation sets them off. An example — I had been picking up the 7yo from camp, then going straight with her to pick up the 5yo and 1yo at daycare. Inevitably the 5yo and 7yo would start arguing over nothing in the car, or the 5yo would melt down about something, and then the whole night would be shot. So we switched it out — now my husband grabs the 7yo and I get the little kids. It was like a miracle — no more arguing, everyone is happy, evenings are chill again. There was just *something* about the dynamic of all 3 kids at pickup that was triggering, and so changing that dynamic was enough to stop it (for now, at least).
Cb says
Yeah, I’d flip the schedule around I think the going upstairs, putting on PJs, getting teeth brushed, using the loo, etc thing is really annoying for kids? It’s too many demands/unfun things in a row.
We broke things up a little bit, it really helped. We’re a bit more loose now, but we started asking my son to run upstairs and get his PJs on and run back downstairs. If he was speedy, we’d read an extra book. Then we’d head upstairs with just teeth to do. After teeth, then he settles in with 1 parent to listen to 15 minutes of an audiobook (this is a great cuddle time which she might be craving with a new baby on the way). Then he hops up to go to the loo, and gets 5 minutes audiobook on his own. So it’s a protracted routine but a nice one.
anon says
I experienced big emotional outbursts with my kid at this age. What helped at the time was a really, really early bedtime, especially once kindergarten started. What helped even more was the passage of time–things improved a few months after starting kindergarten.
Spirograph says
+1 My suggestion was going to be moving bedtime up by 15-30 min if you can.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I think the upcoming K and new sibling are just anxiety triggering events. She’s probably processing all of these in words that don’t make sense when she’s already very exhausted. I would expect the first few weeks or months of K to be similar, unfortunately, but she should settle in eventually.
Anon says
K might not be bad! We’re a couple weeks in here and so far it’s been a very smooth process. Our biggest problem so far is that she isn’t getting physically worn out the way she did at daycare and has tons of energy in the evenings. And my kid is sensitive and not stereotypically “easy.” I think it depends on a lot of factors including kid and teacher personality, what the classroom is like (ours is very un-academic so far and still has a rest time) and age of kid (mine is 5.5 and was so ready to go….at barely 5, I don’t know).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Very true on the teacher and tone of the class. I think my oldest’s K teacher had high expectations of sitting still and waiting your turn (which oldest was/is not great at). My younger one would thrive if he gets her though.
Anonymost says
SO much commiseration. We went through this with our four year old and it just felt like we were stuck! I ended up making two things – a bedtime checklist with each step (ie bathroom, brush teeth, book, tuck in and kiss goodnight). The other was a sticker chart and when she did her routine and slept in her own bed she got a sticker. We started with three stickers earned her a trip to the toy store to pick something out. Then five stickers, then seven, etc. I was shocked how quickly this worked. It wasn’t us telling her what to do, it was this checklist. I suspect our daughter is very Type A and so ymmv but worth a try!
Anonymous says
When we dealt with this, what fixed it was putting him to bed earlier.
Anon says
well i live with two 5 year olds and we are experiencing something similar, except mine keep coming out of bed, so count yourself lucky it is one 5 year old for 20 min who then stays in bed! i think maybe reframing for yourself is going to be the most helpful thing and remembering this too shall pass. so maybe in the moment trying to stay calm and say something like “in our family we use kind words to say how we feel and right now it seems like you’re a good kid having a hard time. when you’re ready for a hug, i’ll be waiting over here.” she obviously needs to just get something out of her system. even though she is excited about the baby and about K, maybe she is worried you won’t lover her anymore or who knows (mine are in a phase where they’ll ask, “will you still love me if X”), or who knows what. i don’t think it really matters why she does it, but reframing it for yourself will help you get through the unpleasant 20 minutes
Anon says
FWIW, we used to joke that my 5 year old could see into your soul and find your darkest insecurities to exploit with these insane insults she’d lob your way when she was hangry. She is now 11 and has incredible and unbelievable EQ. She is the most socially adept person I know, and is empathetic and kind and can also read people like a book. In the moment, we figured out that feeding her beef jerky and cheese immediately upon pick up from daycare eliminated the hangry, evil insults.
For you, I love AwayEmily’s suggestion of switching up a bedtime routine, but it sounds like all of this is rooted in fear/anxiety that everything is going to change soon? New baby, probably new school, and bedtime is (1) when you think of these things, and (2) you are alone. You probably don’t want to create a new habit, like sleeping with her at bedtime, but my guess is that the anger is rooted in fear at a big separation? The only way out might be through, but a special night light or one of those players that does nighttime meditations might help? My kids like the zen turtle.
Anon says
It’s unconventional but we were having a lot of bedtime battles with our then 4 year old, so we told her she has no more bedtime, but we’re off duty at 8 pm. If she wants us to tuck her in and turn off her light, it has to be by 8 pm. 95% of the time she chooses to get in bed at 8 so we can tuck her in. Occasionally she stays up later and puts herself to bed. It seems to be working ok.
Anonymous says
This is genius. I may have to implement with my procrastinating 11 year old. His bedtime is close to mine now, and I really do need to be off at a certain point to get to sleep on time.
Spirograph says
+1 Sometimes I really need the kids to go to bed, but mostly I just want to be done for the day. I may give this idea a try, thank you!
anon says
We do something kind of similar with our 6yos, which is that they need be in bed at 7:30 to get tucked in, but we don’t enforce when they actually go to sleep so they can read as long as they want after that.
Anon says
I agree with the earlier bedtime comments, but we also did take away TV for similar behavior at that age. We would say it in the moment, and remind her the next day. Sometimes you have limited leverage.
Anon says
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Anon says
and i fell victim to a scam. please ignore
Um says
Please reassure me that I am not a bad mom if I go on a two week business trip. Feeling anxious and guilty already even though it’s months away.
Cb says
Not at all! I had a 30% travel schedule for the last 2 years and it was absolutely FINE! My son is a delight, super bonded with me, my husband really benefited from being the primary parent, etc. I’m almost sad it is coming to an end.
Buy them a really great present and enjoy hotel breakfasts guilt free!
Anonymous says
I mean it depends. Are you leaving your children with wolves? A microwave and a prayer? Or will they be cared for by their other parent or a caregiver you have lovingly arranged?
I’m thinking likely option c in which case no absolutely not. But if you were planning wolves please reconsider.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ha, this. Sorry to make light of your concerns, OP, but short of abuse or neglect (i.e. leaving them forever without a good care plan in place), you’re so far from a bad mom.
GCA says
I mean…children literally raised by wolves built Rome (plus), so it can’t be all bad, but then one murdered the other (bit of a minus).
OP, how old are the kids? My husband was once away for a month (PhD fieldwork in a remote part of the Pacific) when DS was 2.5. Once we got into a routine it was fine — it’s actually the first couple of days and the last couple of days when the transition emotions all surfaced. Are your kids old enough to be excited about your destination? As DS got older I would tell him ‘I’m going to London and riding a lot of trains’ and would send a lot of photos with the Great Northern Rail or whatever (a big hit with a train-loving 3yo).
RR says
You are not. I don’t know how old your kids are, but I had a few chunks of a couple weeks away when my kids were young–once a three week trial when they were 8 and 3. They were fine. They are now 15 (x2) and 10 and fine and well adjusted and have a great relationship with me. There are many things I think they will be discussing in therapy some day, but me traveling for work sometimes has always seemed to be a non-issue. It actually bugs them more now that they are 15 and 10 than it did when they were small, but just in the sense of them being annoyed by anything that throws off their routines.
One of the truths I have found about parenting is that all of the little things that we worry about so much when they are small are non-issues really. I felt like a failure as a mother every day when my kids were young, but they are lovely, happy people as teenagers and a tween, and they still like me.
Anon says
Not a bad mom. My husband is in the reserves and is gone a couple times a year for 2-3 week stints. It’s rough solo parenting a toddler sometimes, but kiddo and I definitely have a strong bond because of it.
Anon says
You’re not a bad mom at all!
But do be prepared for some annoying comments… my husband doesn’t travel much for work but happened to have three weeklong conferences back to back last summer. Our kid was having some daycare dropoff issues at the time and the teachers blamed all the problems on my husband’s work travel, even though the issue started before he left on the first trip. We heard comments for months about how hard my husband’s “ridiculously long trip” was on our kid. And this is a dad…sad to say, but I’m sure if it had been me gone for three weeks it would have been a lot worse.
CCLA says
Not a bad mom! Go, make sure you have plenty to watch or read for the time in hotel alone, and enjoy room service.
Anonymous says
It’s not just fine it’s actually really great. Modern life is so sheltered sometimes that these kinds of experiences are actually really good for building resilience in children. Even if they find it hard, it is good for their mental health to experience things that are challenging or hard but not unsafe. They learn that they can find something hard but still be okay. It’s really healthy for children to learn that they will be okay even if their primary caregiver is not available to them for a period of time.
AwayEmily says
+1 — very well put.
Anon says
I went on four business trips this summer and my small children did not seem to care at all. I almost felt insulted.
AwayEmily says
What kinds of things do your kids like doing together at home? When my kids (5 and 7) have a shared activity (making potions, spying on their parents) they get along really well. But when they are just tooling aimlessly around the house, they inevitably argue. They are pretty suggestible, so I think would respond well to me giving them ideas of things to play/do…but what? Outside or inside. Open to pretend play, crafts, etc.
Anon says
My girls spend a ton of time playing family with dolls where they are married moms. They also like being veterinarians, doctors and ninjas.
Anonymous says
Mine are 5/7/10 (all gilrs). The little two usually play together and are just like yours- fight or zonk in front of the TV but are very suggestible. They love:
Making roads/ paths/mazes in the driveway in chalk then riding bikes/scooter/hoverboard around.
Playing American Girl dolls. This can be hours unless there is a fight.
Making things for their American Girl dolls- there are endless youtubes on this, so they will watch a few and then get to work. They also have fairy houses that they got at the craft store and have been making stuff for all summer.
“Making videos for our YouTube channel.” They don’t have a youtube channel but in their minds they are amassing content. I let them use an old cell phone to record themselves. They do all sorts of nonsense, then edit it (usually this is where the fighting happens so sometimes I have to help). Sometimes this is hair styles, crafts, wrapping up toys and pretending to unbox them for the first time, etc. At one point one kid decided she would have a craft youtube so she will do “Katie’s Kraft Korner” where she does a craft and videos it.
Cardboard boxes are still big around here but they are in Advanced Mode. We had a few weeks where they overtook a garage bay with some amazon boxes and made habitats for their stuffed animals.
Board games- this is usually the older two. They like Life, Clue, Monopoly Jr (youngest can’t do real monopoly)
Mine also make potions etc but I mandate that it happens outside.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Mine are basically the same ages. They like playing the floor is lava and jumping on our couch or the nugget. Pretend play where older one is a puppy (we’re getting one soon) and younger one is “dad.” Setting up dominoes. Setting up elaborate train sets. Basically anything that involves dumping out a lot of little pieces in our living room!
Often, they do better with parallel play – fewer arguments.
Cb says
First day of P2 (1st grade equivalent here) and my son was happy as a clam! I asked him if he was nervous and he said “Mumma, I go to lots of different camps! Some of them in other languages! This is just school!”
Anon says
Awww what a suave worldly kid! Good for him.
Emma says
Just looking to vent and some reassurance that this is normal. My 11-month old is on day 3 of daycare, and it’s not going great. She’s been going for two hours in the morning, but she’s crying a lot and one of the providers told me she wants to be held “too much”. Like, isn’t that normal? They also only do one nap in the afternoon so she’s exhausted and cranky (she was on a 2 nap schedule). They said they would accommodate and do two naps for her until she transitions, but right now she’s not sleeping there. I know adjustments are to be expected but ugh, dropping her off and seeing her start to sob was really hard. I go back to work in 2 weeks so I have 2 weeks for her to get adjusted.
Anonymous says
Oh ya gotta rip the bandaid off. Whole days not this two hours stuff
Anon says
Disagree, we did a gentle start with gradually increasing time at daycare and I think it made things easier on all of us (and the teachers commented positively too). Rip the band aid off may be best for some but it isn’t objectively the only right way.
But yes OP, crying a lot in the beginning is unfortunately normal, even among older kids starting in different rooms. And the 2 to 1 nap schedule adjustment is HARD, especially at this age. Give it a few weeks and things will be better!
Anonymous says
Well it’s obviously not working for her!
Anonymous says
Gently, this. A few hours is going to just be a routine disruption in her little eyes. Ask if you can send her all day, starting today or tomorrow. And then make plans for yourself, so you’re distracted. It’s hard. It’s ok to cry (every day for three months, if you’re me). She will be fine, I promise. Research shows that having multiple loving caregivers is good for kids. This is what I tell myself when I’m feeling down or anxious. FWIW, my tiny baby who started day care at six weeks, is now six and a half, well-adjusted, outgoing and adventurous.
? says
That makes sense for a preschooler but not for babies. A gentle start is fine.
Emma says
Ok, I hear you all on the full-time thing, but the daycare is the one that suggested the gradual introduction schedule. We’re supposed to do full mornings tomorrow and Friday, and build up to a full day next week. But I’ll speak to the teachers and see what they think.
Hmm says
Gradual introduction worked much better for us. I agree with getting right into full days for an older kiddo who has a routine at school and would be aware that she is missing part of the day that other kids are there for, but that just doesn’t apply in the baby room in my experience.
This is hard and it will get better! I’d keep doing what you’re doing.
Anon says
Eleven months is really early to drop to one nap. My kids weren’t ready for that until closer to 15 months. I’d expect prolonged grumpiness.
I’ll also add that my kids never ever transitioned well to daycare. I know some kids do fine, but some kids don’t. My oldest, in particular, was a miserable little person for almost 2 years until we gave up on daycare and switched to a nanny/au pair plus half day preschool. She slept better for naps at home and preferred the calmer environment and more downtime. She was like a whole different kid with so so many fewer tantrums and crying. I wish I’d given up sooner, but had been convinced that she’d eventually adjust or that it was a phase. She didn’t and it wasn’t. Daycare wasn’t meeting her needs.
Emma says
Thanks. To be fair they did try to put her down this morning, so I guess they’re trying to work with the two nap schedule until she’s ready, but it’s hard because it’s a toddler room and most of the kids are older. This is an unexpected side effect of being in Canada where the default leave is a year – there is no real infant care and my kid is one of the youngest in the daycare.
Boston Legal Eagle says
From what I’ve seen in my kids’ infant classes, the kids who started older (like closer to 1 year) had a tougher time transitioning than the tinier babies. Separation anxiety is high at this age. So, crying, even if it lasts for weeks, is totally normal and expected. Just give it time, and rest assured that she will eventually get used to it. Until there’s a class change, and it starts all over again!
This says
This. It’s totally normal and very hard.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Reporting back from our all-inclusive resort stay with us 4 + MIL! It was probably as relaxing as it gets with kids 5 and under – no meal prep/cleaning, lots of pool time, etc. Resort and staff was great. There were some good stretches where MIL and/or DH would hang with kids in the pool and I’d read, go work out, etc. The food was fine – everyone could easily get something they liked, and familiarity is very important for my MIL. The kids especially loved the breakfast buffet – DS #1 had pancakes and waffles everyday, and DS #2 had rice and beans daily.
With DS #2 still on the younger side (2.5) we didn’t really take advantage of kids club since he wasn’t old enough, and for similar reasons we didn’t do any excursions.
Reflections:
– I wouldn’t say DS #2 is “fun” to travel with yet – our dinners involved me planting him in front of my phone and all of us making sure no dishes fell off the table, but I know it gets better!
– Post COVID, we’ve now done a big trip to Asia for a family wedding (last Fall) and this all-inclusive resort trip. Both are great, but I feel like the former was more enriching, despite it being a lot more planning logistics-wise and harder travel wise. Granted, we had tons of hands to help with kids during the Asia trip – we flew with family and had family there. Also, DH and I did not have the bandwidth to do the planning for that kind of trip for this summer vacation.
Overall, it made me really think it’s still worth it to take the “harder” trips even if all the kids aren’t at the optimal travel ages – and I know DS #2 will only get easier with time (e.g. going to Asia, he was not-yet-2 and he wouldn’t watch a tablet with headphones, this time he happily watched as long as I switched up the video, fast forwarded, etc.)
Anon says
I agree with all of this… the harder trips feel more enriching and more worth the money, but nothing beats an all-inclusive resort for relaxation. Glad you had a good time!
Boston Legal Eagle says
One thing I got from LVK that I really appreciate is the difference between the “experiencing self” and the “reflecting self” – so, when I reflect on our trip to CA last summer to see family and go to Disney (kids were 6 and 3.5), I’m really glad we did it and it was worth it. But in the moment, when I was experiencing it, it certainly wasn’t relaxing and was a lot of work. But I think there’s a place for both.
Anon says
I really liked her work on that too. It helped me pinpoint a frustration I was having with certain family members who are so focused on the hardship of any outing to the exclusion of any anticipation or fun memories. It helped me pivot away from that (stuff like “let’s not bother going to the beach because the baby’s clothes will get dirty” and then sitting on the couch all afternoon instead) and focus on making my own plans with my own family when we’re on joint trips. You never remember the little annoyances as much as you remember the joy of something fun and different, and I’ve learned that it’s really key to be mindful of whether the people around you are positive/happy or really negative because it can rub off on you. Separate from pessimistic family, LVDK really helped me focus on selecting activities and experiences that will stand out in our memories and it’s been great.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – I actually thought about this a lot on this trip – LVK’s remembering vs. experiencing. This is a great framework!
While my experiencing self was focused on DS #2 not shoving any silverware off of the table at dinner while on vacation, my remembering self will remember how he was so adorably sleepy-eyed while inhaling an adult portion of carbonara (and watching Elmo).
anony says
LVK?
NLD in NYC says
I believe Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think and other books, co-host of Best of Both Worlds
@ More Sleep – where did you go?
GCA says
Glad it went well, and love your reflections. Which resort did you visit?
Having done a few long-haul trips to Asia to see family, I fully agree on the reflecting vs experiencing — in the moment it is so hard. We once flew when DS was 4 and DD was 1 (oof). You just have to brace yourself. But we also made all the memories, and as the kids get older it will get so much easier (and they will be able to take in more; we’re hoping to take some side trips to different Southeast Asian countries in future with my parents’ house as home base).
Anon says
WWYD, covid edition. I know the right answer, but am struggling with some decision fatigue (we’ve made a lot of big decisions and I just feel like I’m getting everything wrong). My 10 and 3 year olds have COVID, but my 8 year old is negative. All he wants to do is play basketball, and he has a basketball camp (outside) this week. We have kept him home yesterday and today, assuming a positive is right around the corner and school starts next week. He’s still negative and feels fine, but I feel bad that he is parked in front of the tv downstairs, during a beautiful week, while I work upstairs. Would you have sent him? My husband thinks we should have.
Anon says
I’d send for sure. our school doesn’t even require or want us to keep home siblings if the other sibling tests positive at this point.
NYCer says
+1.
Anon says
No, I’m sorry. It’s really hard and frustrating, but it’s the right thing to keep him home. My husband got COVID outside (which we didn’t think could really happen) and basketball camps have a lot of close contact and yelling/shouting. Do you have a yard where you can set up a hoop?
Anon says
ETA: Actually, I would consider sending him IF he tests negative that morning before going to the camp. I’d probably do two tests to be safe since they’re such pieces of crap, but that would probably be enough for me otherwise.
Anonymous says
I would send him as long as he is testing negative (I would keep testing) and not showing symptoms. For our second (and third in my case) COVID cases, we did not infect each other in my family. Most recently, I had it and continued to share a bed and not isolate at all from my husband, and he didn’t get it. But he had it in December, and I hadn’t had it since last summer. My son had it in the spring and didn’t infect either of us.
Anon says
yea i agree with this. one of my fully vaccinated colleagues is currently very sick with covid – has paxlovid, zofran and steroids, and is on day 7 of feeling really crappy. she was supposed to be on vacation. but we are at a point where everyone can’t just stay home.
Anonymous says
I would have. Idk why my family should suffer when no one else is doing this and the org isn’t even telling you that you need to.
Anon says
I’ve been very Covid cautious but I would send if permitted by camp policy. Our schools and camps mostly allow vaccinated kids to attend even with Covid in the household.
Spirograph says
Yes, I would have sent him if he tested negative and had no symptoms.
Anon says
Thanks everyone — helpful insight! I think I freaked out a bit when everyone started to go nuts as transmission went up around us. I’m feeding him lunch, then will drop him off.
anon says
I think it’s reasonable to send him to an outdoor camp he really wants to attend, provided he tests negative each morning. To the extent conditions allow, I think him using a high filtration mask would be really considerate.
Can you keep him apart from the positive family members and up ventilation to decrease the risk of transmission?
Anon says
Help me name this baby please!! Boy. I’m past 37 weeks and we still don’t have a name. My husband and I decided todays the day we need to each have a list of “if you say yes, this will be his name” names.
Names I love but we cannot use: Reid, Neil, Miles
Names on my list so far: Wyatt, William, Anderson, Connor
Anon says
Walker?
GCA says
Do you have specific parameters? Like ‘Our last name starts with a B – it can’t be a B name’. Or ‘honors grandparent’s Irish heritage’. That sort of thing.
Anonymous says
Sebastian.
An.On. says
Eli, Wade, Ralph, Toby, Owen, Elliot
Anon says
Ronan, one of my favorite names, reminds me of Reid while being a bit different.
anonM says
We still had a list of 5 names going to the hospital. Once we saw him, it was easy to pick the name. I’d have a short list, but it is ok.
Cb says
Yep, we had 3 and it was clear he was X. And Benjamin, the 2nd on the list, sounded like a Beatrix Potter character.
NYCer says
Peter, Julian (Julien), Brooks, James, Max.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I LOVE the name Julian, and always have, but my mom’s name is Julia (which I also love) so we didn’t use it due to the similarity. I would love to see more Julians (“Jules”) in the world! I also like Jacob, Noah, Caleb.
Anon says
You may be getting your wish, we know two separate Julian/Julien’s that are under 2 years old!
OP, one consideration if this matters to you: I know more female Wyatt’s than male Wyatts, though I know it’s traditionally a male name.
Anon says
I know two toddler Juliens. I thought the choice of spelling was odd, as I know 4 others (adults) who spell it Julian. One of the Juliens I know has French grandparents, so that made sense to me. When I asked about the other Julien’s spelling (his parents are very close friends so not odd to ask), I was told that they felt the -an spelling was appropriative since he family is not Hispanic and it’s a Spanish name (and funnily enough – the mom is fluent in Spanish and used to work in Central America). I thought that was odd – it’s originally a Roman name and the -an spelling is used in many languages and cultures.
Anona says
I loved all of the names you can’t use. I also liked Simon, Hugo, Lewis, Cooper, Arthur, Merrick, Graham, and Russell.
Anonymous says
Ethan, Henry, Felix, Alec, Silas
Anon says
I have a Connor William so I like your style :)
Owen (I also have an Owen Charles), Liam (if you don’t mind popularity), Griffin, Colin, Ryan, Gavin, Nolan, Finn, Declan,
Anonymous says
Daniel, Charles, Gregory
All my boy names I didn’t use because we had FOUR GIRLS.
ALC says
My husband tends to take it personally when our son (4) doesn’t want to do what H wants to do. H is really big into the “showing him wonders” part of parenting, and he gets really disappointed when our son rejects his suggestions. We are also getting our son evaluated for some developmental/behavioral issues that may be contributing. H is currently unemployed (and I’m in a super busy period of work), so he’s been the one on duty for sick days, daycare closure days, etc. lately or when I have had to work on weekends. Anyway all of this is making H feel kind of demoralized and I want to help him not take our son’s rejection so personally. Any suggestions?
Anon says
Aw, I feel bad for your husband. I’m similar to him in that I get a bit disappointed when people aren’t interested in the “wonders”, and it especially sucks if he’s unemployed/stuck in the grind and then trying to see the positive/the wonders and getting shot down. Unemployment is the literal worst and it’s cool that he’s still trying to find positive things to share with the family. It’s not your kid’s fault, not at all, but I’m super sympathetic to that dynamic and I think it’s a wonderful thing for families to have members that love the wonders and miracles of life.
I think in this case, a few simple, reassuring lines would be nice – something like “DH, I love that you get so excited about showing our son ____. I wish he’d get more excited, but to be honest, I think he’s still a little young and it may be a while before he does. If you keep trying, though, then one day you’ll be enjoying ___ together.”
anon says
I like your script. I can be this person, too, and have had to learn to temper my expectations. And, what I find wonderous isn’t always that way for my kids, and vice versa, lol.
SC says
I sympathize too. I’m usually the one wanting to show my kid the wonders, and I’ve also had to learn to temper my expectations. Is the problem that your kid doesn’t want to try the activity, or that he’s underwhelmed when he tries it?
If your 4 year old is rejecting trying out an activity that your husband enjoys, then I actually recommend some occasional forced family fun. Transitions are difficult for my kid, so he’ll say no to an activity and then sometimes absolutely love it. I’ve had to get DH’s buy in on forced family fun, too, because it’s miserable feeling like the person who’s dragging the entire family around. Some activities are still a miss, but more often than not, it’s more nerves or not wanting to transition.
If your son is just underwhelmed by the activities your husband enjoys, then your husband needs to temper his expectations and find joy in some of the “wonders” your kid enjoys. Last spring, my husband and son got really into spotting roseate spoonbills at the park. Right now, my son is obsessed with rocks he received from a tourist-trap gem mining place in NC, and we have to ooh and aah a little bit.
anonM says
Does anyone here use stainless steel plates for the kids? I’ve looked at Ahimsa but am wondering if there is an alternative that isn’t so pricey. Or, are Ahimsa worth the price and hold up well?
CCLA says
I love our ahimsa sets. Some of ours are a couple of years old and have lost a little of their color but are in excellent shape otherwise. My kids are almost 5 and 7 and have used our regular china since about age 3, but the ahimsa still gets heavy use because sometimes I just want them to grab their own breakfast or snack, and they cannot reach the regular plate/bowl cabinets; we keep a stack of ahimsa plates, bowls, and cups on a low shelf so they can access on their own. They also get used for outdoor snack or picnics in the yard. I would have replaced our plastic with these when they were even younger, just wasn’t aware of them.
DLC says
We have plates and bowls from Caveman Cups and then partitioned plates from a random place on amazon. They are all fine. A little heavy, but have stood up for 5+ years of use really well. It’s also what we take camping.
Anonymous says
Not OP, but this is really helpful. I’ll in the market for something that will work for both camping and a clumsy toddler.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
In my parents’ country of origin, stainless steel plates, cups, etc. are the norm so my mom refused to buy Ahimsa due to the price when I asked for a set for the kids :) So now, we have a hodge podge of random stainless steel stuff, and I think it probably works as well.
Honestly, anything stainless steel will be a workhorse and bonus – it all pretty much matches.
Avanchy – a Korean brand that I found on Amaz*on – has suction on the bottom that I’ve used for my toddler that has been great.
Anon says
I’ve been looking to get a new dinner set for DS and am tempted by these! There are some bad reviews though about rusting, scratches and color fading. How do they color the steel plates with rainbow colors in a way that is nontoxic? I’m skeptical
Anonymous says
It is not a coating. It’s anodized: an electrochemical reaction done by exposing to an acid and electricity. It oxidizes the surface metal in a way that creates colors. The chemicals used during the process are hazardous, but they’re not incorporated or absorbed in any way into the steel.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Meant to reply yesterday but thanks all for the suggestions on the Cape. We’re going next week. I hadn’t even thought of doing a day trip to Martha’s Vineyard (which husband and I have been to but not with the kids)! We’re staying in Dennis, so it would be about a 40min. drive to the ferry terminal, then the ferry. I think it could still be worth it for a day adventure for all of us.
Anonymous says
Dennis or Dennisport? You can go to Nantucket via harwichport.
If closer to Dennisport, don’t miss Wolfies or Sundae School. Harwich also has bumper boats and batting cages and buds go karts.
Traveling with hiking carrier says
We head to the mighty 5 in about a month from the east coast and plan to do some hiking with our 3yo. Husband and I were very active day hikers prior to kid and I’ve researched several trails that aren’t incredibly long or strenuous, but we plan to have the toddler in a hiking carrier for safety in some cases but also because he can’t handle more than a mile. I promise I have very low expectations of the amount/efficiency of hiking with a 3 yo.
Talk to me about logistics of flying with a hiking carrier? We normally fly with an umbrella stroller so I assume in this case we’d go through the airport the exact same but with the pack instead and then gate check it.We are packing in carryons only.
Anon says
Are you sure you can gate check it and not regular check it? Strollers are a special exception because they’re so common, but normally baggage can’t be gate-checked.
Anonymous says
I would look into renting a carrier, if possible. Many backcountry rentals/outfitters have them.
Obviously you’ll want a hiking carrier, but you might be surprised at how far your kid is willing to walk in a new place. My 2.5 yo just did almost all of a 2 mile out and back on vacation with snacks in one hand at a slow pace and with a lot of breaks. Just needed to go in the carrier for a huge set of >100 steep stairs. Definitely not elevation changes like you’ll be seeing, but we’re from a pretty flat part of the country.
NYCer says
I just did a quick google, and the consensus seems to be that it depends on the airline’s policy and the size and type of the baby hiking backpack. Some airlines will allow you to gate check the hiking carrier, and some will check it with normal baggage (i.e., you pick it up at the baggage carousel).
Get a duffle says
I bought a giant duffel bag and put the carrier inside it and checked it. I didn’t want straps getting broken.
anon says
I’ve successfully gate-checked one in the past. But also worth considering if you want to bring a hiking carrier vs just a soft-sided carrier you can wear on your back. That was my preference once my kids got heavier, as long as I had another adult to carry a pack with snacks/water/etc.
Hiking says
I had (and loved) the Deuter Kid Comfort air and my husband and I always used that in lieu of a stroller when traveling. while they are technically oversized for carryon, we never had an issue taking them onboard and placing them in the overhead. this was across a handful of transatlantic, EU and Caribbean flights (don’t think we did any in North America at that time) 5-7 yrs ago. if you do get gate checked, you’d probably want to have a car seat cover type bag, however, that’s a lot of extra to carry.
Anonymous says
I’d like to try talking to a therapist, ideally over zoom/phone, to process my feelings about my child getting a special needs diagnosis. Where should I start looking for a therapist? Thanks!
Anon says
word of mouth. you could ask the person who diagnosed your child, friends, etc. most therapists are happy to see patients virtually these days, but they still need to be licensed in your state and you still want someone good
Anon says
If you can’t get in with anyone recommended to you, it can sometimes help to try to find therapists with specific modalities (on Psychology Today or wherever therapists near you are listed). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for example, or Insight Oriented, may be more relevant than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for processing feelings.
Anon says
Late in the day, but how do you keep track of routines with elementary age kids? I only have one kid who isn’t in a ton of activities so it really shouldn’t be *that* hard, but the change from daycare where the routine was essentially the same every single day to elementary school where so many things (lunch plan, aftercare plans, special classes) vary based on day of the week has been rough. My old brain is hurting trying to keep track of it!
Anon says
Elementary school is so much more hectic than daycare. I’m feeling this too.
Anon says
I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way, at least. I took my kid to the pool today after school anf forgot to pack…towels. We do have a Google calendar, and I haven’t (yet) forgotten any important event but I just feel so scatter-brained lately and hate it.
GCA says
Everything goes on our shared family Google calendar! I live and die by that thing.
Spirograph says
I honestly don’t keep track of much regarding the school day, I just make sure to get the kids there and back on time and figure the teachers take care of everything in the middle unless I hear otherwise.
I print the lunch menu each month and post it on the fridge, kids can reference it and decide whether they want to pack or buy lunch. they are responsible for their lunch, but I remind them. I do not keep track of specials except gym, and only for my daughter because my boys wear sneakers every day. We do the same aftercare schedule every day. the extracurriculars logistics are where my mental energy goes! Shared Google calendar plus weekly dry erase on the fridge for that