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Kindergarten in Tennessee says
Any Tennessee moms here? I am moving to Tennessee from out of state in the spring, and have a son who will turn 5 the second week of August 2023. I do not think he will be mature enough for kindergarten in fall 2023, and would like to wait for the 2024-2025 school year to enroll him in K. Is that allowed in Tennessee?
Anonymous says
Check your new district rules.
Kindergarten in Tennessee says
The district rules cover early entry to K, but not late entry. I’ve reached out to the district, but haven’t heard back yet.
FP says
Hello! I live in Nashville (welcome!). You should check with your district but by and large redshirting is extremely common here (and honestly frustrates me because I sent my kids on time with birthdays close to the cutoff, and they are often over a year younger than many of their classmates). In Davidson County (city of Nashville), I believe the cutoff is August 15.
anonchicago says
I grew up mostly in TN but haven’t lived there for 15 years, so take that for what it’s worth.
Even 20-30 years ago, redshirting was incredibly common. My birthday is in December which is well past August cutoffs, and was allowed because I started off in another state and was in private school before joining public later. I was typically the youngest in my class in private school but not always. When I got to public, I was often a year and a half younger than other students. For reference, I was born in December 1986 and people in my class were often as old as June 1985 and very often not younger than July 1986. Being born in the spring made you “young” for your grade. Was very weird when it came time for drivers licenses.
Based on what I’ve heard about redshirting in general and following old classmates on FB, it seems this trend has only accelerated, so holding your son back should be fine.
Anon says
I think you really have to talk to the district or parents in the district. I’m not in Tennessee but I live in a neighboring state and it really depends on the district. Even within the same city some districts are much more redshirt-y than others.
The cutoff also might be August 1 which would make the choice for you. That’s the cutoff for a lot of districts in my state.
FP says
I’ll add that it can vary a lot in the same city between public and private. I posted above about the Aug 15 cutoff in Nashville but we looked at a private school here in town with a June 1 cutoff for K.
Anonymous says
August 1?!? That is ridiculously early. Kids with August birthdays will turn 6 before the first day of K. And what happens when people redshirt? Are there 7-year-olds in kindergarten? Kindergarten is designed for 4- and 5-year-olds, not 6- and 7-year-olds.
FP says
Yes, there are 7-year-olds in kindergarten here. It is maddening but common, and frustrating when you send your kids at the right age but on the young side, and they look behind in things like handwriting and emotional regulation when they are 18 months younger than class peers.
Anonymous says
Holy cr@p. I was 7 when I started third grade and I was still bored out of my mind. Are there a lot of behavior problems in K because the curriculum and structure of the day are not age-appropriate and the kids are bored?
Anon says
You must have skipped a grade if you started 3rd grade at 7. I was very young for my grade (summer birthday) and turned 8 before 3rd grade began.
I would imagine if the average age has increased the curriculum has also changed? Although I don’t think there are many 7 year olds in K. Even with an Aug 1 cutoff, almost all non-redshirted kids are 5 at the start of the year, and most redshirted kids are summer birthdays who won’t turn 7 until after the school year ends. I know one early May birthday who was redshirted so he’ll turn 7 before school gets out for the year, but that’s one kid in a class of ~25, it’s not going to dramatically impact others.
But I’m in the minority on this board in that I don’t think red shirting is terrible. I want to delay formal academics as long as possible. I’m not planning to redshirt because my kid isn’t close to the cutoff but if there were a way to do another year of pre-K and then go straight to first grade I would be all for it.
Anonymous says
You don’t have to skip a grade to start third grade at 7. Cutoffs used to be in November or December so a third of the kids started K at 4.
Clementine says
No, I was also 7 at the start of 3rd grade. I turned 8 that fall.
In New York, the cutoff is generally December. Technically I redshirted my November baby; however, he was 5 when he started kindergarten and would have been after the cutoff in most other states.
Anon says
I think this varies by region, but it’s not a recent development. Cutoffs were all August or September where I lived 30+ years ago. It wasn’t until I got to college that I met people who had started kindergarten at 4 and not turned 5 until late fall or winter. Growing up, everyone was 5 when kindergarten started or turned 5 like a week into the school year.
Anon says
August 1 is a pretty common cutoff in the Midwest. My district growing up had the same cutoff so it doesn’t seem weird to me. School starts first week of August here, so it’s basically saying you have to be 5 by the start of school. It stinks for bright, emotionally mature kids who are born on like August 2 (my daughter has a friend in this situation) but that’s not a common occurrence. Most kids benefit from actually being 5 once K begins, I would think.
I guess it all depends on what you grew up with but to me it’s really crazy to start kindergarten at 4! My daughter is 4.75 and good looooord I cannot imagine her in K. The child does not ever stop moving. I’m glad we have another 8 months, and even then I’m nervous she won’t really be ready.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Tying the cutoff to when school starts makes sense to me. It’s Sept. 1 here, and school usually starts a few days before then. We have some redshirting, but typically of summer kids, and it’s not universal. So there wouldn’t be anyone actually 7 during the school year, only the summer after (and very few). It’s very kid dependent though – I think my October kid may actually be ok to start K when he’s not yet 5, but my April kid was barely ready and struggled. I don’t like the idea of redshirting solely because of when someone is born – that makes it hard for the kids who do start on time.
Anonymous says
My daughter is in a (new england) district with a 9/1 cutoff (school here starts just before labor day). Her birthday is July 30th and she’s the youngest in her class. She has 3 boys that have May/June/July birthdays in her class and they are a full year++ older.
Anonymous says
Sigh, we just had a conversation with my mid-august birthday 4 year old’s teacher and decided we will probably send him to kindergarten next year but this makes me so worried!! Honestly it’s hard to know what to do. Kiddo is writing up a storm and reading some, will def be reading books by September, and generally focuses well at circle time but obviously will be somewhat behind the others social/emotionally (especially if kids are 14 months older!!). There is no right answer and while my whole career is built around being ok in the grey area, it’s harder for your kids.
Anonymous says
I can’t fathom why you are concerned about your very well prepared child starting kindergarten.
Anon says
Come on now, there’s no need to be snarky. It’s understandable to be worried about a kid starting K as the youngest in the class and >one year younger than some other kids. There’s more to Kindergarten than academic preparation. In fact, I would argue that academic preparation is the least important factor (a very bright/gifted kid will pretty much always be bored regardless of age).
Anonymous says
Right, it’s the fact that kids more than a year older with much higher social skills will be peers. Not concerned about academic preparation. Totally thinking about social skills and that comment reminded me how much older some kids will be.
Anonymous says
This is why redshirting should be prohibited or at least severely restricted. When a critical mass of kids are redshirted, it puts the kids of appropriate age at a disadvantage and encourages even more parents to redshirt when their kids would be totally fine in a class of same-age peers. Redshirting is an example of individualism run amok. Why our society encourages parents to hold back their kids to give them an advantage at the expense of the rest of the class, while at the same time cutting GT and advanced academic programs in the name of “equity,” is beyond me.
anonn says
my kid is July 2nd and in a similar boat. While I feel she was ready and she’s excelling, a lot of the kids are in after school sports, scouts etc, and she just does not have the bandwidth to do anything after school. she’s spent. She’s in dance 45 min a week and we make it about half the time. I’m not too worried though, I think these differences even out after a year or so. I cannot imagine her toiling again in pre-k this whole year.
anon says
Neighboring state but our state law is that compulsory education is age 7-16 so I don’t think a public school could prevent you from redshirting, the law here is on the bottom end of age- must be 5 by Aug 31.
Anonymous says
They certainly could. Just because you don’t have to start your kid in school until 7 doesn’t mean the school can’t go ahead and assign them to first grade or even second instead of kindergarten
Anon says
But that would obviously just create chaos for the school, teachers and other kids by having kids in first and second grade who are really unprepared to be there.
Anonymous says
Kindergarten is totally unnecessary if the kid already knows how to read a little, write some letters, count, sit still, take turns, and use scissors. About 75% of the kindergarten day is filler and transitions–endlessly lining up, taking attendance, morning meeting, walking to the art or music room, walking to lunch, eating lunch, recess, nap, etc. It’s not like they actually learn anything in kindergarten if they’ve already been to preschool and know how to line up.
Anon says
It’s very rare to know how to read before starting K! I know only a few kids who were reading before starting K and we go to a university daycare where almost every kid has at least one parent with a PhD, so our acquaintances are a lot more educated than the general population.
I think you are really overestimating how much preparation kids get from preschool. No daycare in my city is teaching kids to read. Some are teaching basics like letter recognition and counting, but there are a lot of kids who don’t go to preschool or go to a very part-time play-based or religious-based program and don’t really do any academics. Kindergarten is not something that most kids can skip.
Anonymous says
I would rather have a 7-year-old in first grade with remedial reading instruction than in kindergarten.
Anonymous says
Whoever above said kindergarten is unnecessary- I might have thought so, but then I had a kindergartener in 2020-2021 where there was only zoom kindergarten. There is soooooo much social-emotional learning apparently in K. His class was a total disaster in first grade in person – no one knew how to be friends, how to resolve problems, how to be a student in a classroom. It really impaired their ability to do first grade learning.For some kids too they are just being exposed to the alphabet and fundamentals of writing in kindergarten. (There is such a huge variety here, from kids who barely know the letter sounds to kids independently reading chapter books.)
Anon says
Kindergarten is definitely necessary from a social-emotional learning perspective. But I would argue it’s necessary for most kids academically too. My 5 year old goes to a very high-quality full day preschool program and is above average academically according to her teachers and she’s wildly unprepared for first grade. I know this because I used to work in our public schools and have seen the work first graders do and it’s on a very different level than what my kid is doing. Are there some extremely smart, very well-prepared 5 year olds who (academically at least) could be fine going straight to first grade? Sure. But that doesn’t mean that kindergarten has no academic value. The majority of kids need it and it doesn’t mean they’re dumb or unprepared.
Anonymous says
Do they really do anything in terms of social development in K that they don’t do in pre-K, though? There is a big difference between going from pre-K to grade 1 and going from Zoom school to grade 1.
Anon says
In my area, it’s a small minority of kids (maybe 20%?) who attend a full day pre-K program before kindergarten. A few hours of playgroup or church preschool every week isn’t the same as full day pre-K or K.
anon says
Right but that’s not preventing you from redshirting, it’s a consequence of your choice.
Anonymous says
I am pretty sure NY requires 6-year-olds who haven’t been to K to go straight to first grade.
Bette says
Welcome! I am in Memphis. No advice as my kiddos are not at this age yet but just wanted to say hi and welcome :)
Ifiknew says
Is it normal that my 3.5 year old has zero impulse control when he’s tired or hungry? He also has extreme attention seeking behavior when literally anyone else other than mom and dad are around, like he pushes big sister or breaks things, gets really hyper and yells at me etc. He’s much better when no one new is around. It’s all very odd and unlike my older daughter snd I’m not sure if normal.
Yesterday for example, He gets picked up from school at 3 and has a small snack. However, we went to the playground and at 430 he was laughing and playing then tried to push a second grader to go down the slide. I stopped him but it was very stressful he knew he shouldnt do that but did it anyway. He then proceeded to get on his scooter and scoot super fast away from me. He stayed on the sidewalk but there was a point where a car was coming and they wouldn’t have seen him and I yelled so loudly that there was a car to my son. I’m not sure if he would have gone in the street but this running away from me in these types of tired / hungry situations feels like something he should have outgrown by 3.5. Need a gut check here.
I should note we crossed 12 time zones for two weeks and just got back Thursday so he’s still struggling with jetlag too. Still the lack of impulse control and attention seeking behavior is astounding and the same types of things happened on our trip in a much more intense way.
Anonymous says
Yes This is classic totally normal three year old behavior.
OP says
Thank you. When will this improve and not be so stressful?
Anonymous says
Sadly hard to predict every kid is different.
Anonymous says
And part of it is managing the kid you have. Like here, I’d take the scooter away and only let him use it in the driveway or in a secure place. Not as a punishment but because this kid isn’t yet capable of using it safely on the sidewalk.
Anonymous says
For my kids less stressful situations would be better. He’s been going with his executive functioning on max all day. Let him veg out with cartoons for a half hour after school or run around in the backyard. Playground calls for more executive function when he is maxed out.
Anonymous says
My middle has always been like this, and she’s 6.5.
The older my kids get the more I learn that “normal” is a spectrum. Our daughter has gotten better as she’s gotten older but it’s definitely still a defining aspect of her personality that we have to manage. My oldest started sleepovers at age 8, and I seriously doubt my middle will be able to handle them at that age-if ever.
Just last night she had a full on meltdown- we were away for thanksgiving and it all caught up to her at about 6pm yesterday. Complete disaster. I let her sleep in and took her to school an hour late.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“The older my kids get the more I learn that “normal” is a spectrum.” – this. Having more than one kid makes this really apparent. My older kid was more like OP’s kid, although he has mellowed out significantly at 6.
Both of my kids “act out” more when we’re in new situations though, whether it’s traveling, or a supposedly fun place like the aquarium. It’s not surprising that he’s still adjusting from the travel.
Pogo says
yep. My 5yo is spirited and still has some of the behaviors OP mentions when he’s tired, stressed, etc. We get better at managing his schedule (he’s very sensitive to sleep and routine) and supporting him to minimize these meltdowns and behaviors, and yes, they do get incrementally better day by day.
But he’s developmentally “normal” per his ped and school – just on the active, persistent, and intense end of the normal spectrum. When I was concerned, I spoke to his teacher (prek at the time) – they know what that range of normal is, as they’ve cared for literally thousands of 3.5yo children. Hearing her perspective at the time really helped. She validated our concerns, but also pointed out that he is very well behaved at school all day, so much of his acting out is because he’s holding it all together during the day.
Anonymous says
I will also add that we treat my middle kiddo’s sleep like a medical issue such as a gluten intolerance or diabetes. We manage around it and don’t expect her to change. She doesn’t do activities that end too late, she skips activities when see is too tired (I don’t allow this for my other kids unless they are actually sick). We bail on plans if she’s too tired. We pay extra to take flights that work for her sleep needs or rental houses that have sleeping arrangements that optimize her ability to get normal sleep.
sleep says
Thank you for framing sleep in this way. We have to be fairly rigid about sleep or things go haywire for us. Thinking about it as I would a medical issue is really helpful.
Anonymous says
It took a while to get here. I have two other kids for which sleep is NOT a medical issue. But for one, it is very much so.
Anon says
Unpopular opinion maybe, but sleep is a medical issue for all humans. Most American kids are sleep-deprived.
anonM says
Seems in the normal range. My two kids vary a lot on this. Also, we don’t do anything on Mondays. He can’t handle it. A park with more kids after school would be too much. Maybe keep things super simple and plan at-home time for Mondays. Same when DH is traveling for work — if someone comes by to “help” me out it turns to chaos, so instead I mainly stay home and keep thing very routine-based. I’d be interested to see if others have that experience with Mondays with kids that have more impulse control issues, but maybe that will help you too. I also really amazes me how different siblings can be – it sounds obvious but continues to surprise me. My now 4.5yo sounds like your 3.5yo, and he does well with big hugs when he’s upset. DD often wants space and verbal confirmation she’s being heard.
Op says
His is very helpful, but when we’re home it just turns into my kids fighting yelling etc after school. It’s really hard to know what to do with them from 3-7 every day that’s pleasant for all. We do some TV but even that doesn’t keep my 3.5 year Olds attention for more than 30ish mins any suggestions on how to structure?
Anonymous says
Outside time (even if it’s cold). Free play but not unstructured– so like “let’s make forts” vs “let’s bake or play a game”. I posted about my 6.5 year old and I find screens make things worse, not better. Sometimes solo free play helps, like sending her up to a play room where she gets peace and quiet and her Barbies. I don’t remember if she could do that as early as 3.5, especially since that was peak COVID, but certainly by 4 she was doing that.
Anon says
I have three boys and my two older ones struggle with this type of intensity/impulsivity. This isn’t a magic solution (aka tantrums still happen) but I’ve found afternoons work best when we start with outside time (straight from the bus we play outside) or a big snack time at the table where I sit and talk/read to them. Sometimes we combine into a picnic/playtime in the yard.
Then we transition to playing something inside and I’ll stay close until they get into a groove. Dinner should happen by 6:45 to prevent hangry tiredness (this is what we struggle with the most – my husband likes to cook elaborate meals that aren’t usually ready until much later, but when I’m solo with the kids early dinner is the best!) Play time after dinner again until you go up to bed.
We don’t do any screens during the week and that seems to help. Reading together is a good, calm connection point when everyone is out of sorts.
Anonymous says
I have a kindergartener and two toddlers and this is basically what we do. Pick up toddlers from day care: give a snack. Pick up big bro: play at park with friends for 30 min to an hour, home where kindergartener watches one Wild Kratts episode, toddlers play outside (read: fight/cry) and I try to prep a simple dinner. Toddlers eat at 5:30 then do bedtime routine for bed at 6:30. I know this is early but they cannot really last longer than that. I’d also prefer we all eat dinner together but we can’t right now and I have to be ok with that. Kindergartner and DH usually eat at 6. I usually don’t eat dinner or pick at leftovers. It’s not my Ideal scenario but it works for now.
Spirograph says
All of my kids get noticeably more difficult when they’re tired and/or hungry. The oldest is almost 10. (I’ll add that *I* also am very cranky when I’m hungry, but I know this about myself and just stop talking until I get some food.)
Your son sounds incredibly normal. All of that is very typical behavior even for a well-fed and well-rested 3.5 year old, and of course it intensified with foreign travel and disruption of circadian rhythms and routines. Maybe you lucked out with your older daughter being particularly calm, or maybe your memory of the more frustrating times when she was that age has faded. Either way your son is a different person with a different personality. He’ll almost certainly grow out of it, but timing…. ? anyone’s guess
Anonymous says
Seems normal to me. Only thing that caught my eye is the potential safety issue of the scooter. I might consider telling kiddo the scooter can only be used if X. And if kid can’t do that, no scooter. Not a punishment, just a fact/condition of scooter use.
Anon says
Yes
Anon says
Crossing 12 time zones is enough to throw even the most even-keeled kid out of whack! My kid is definitely spirited but we notice it amps up when we travel even across 3-6 timezones. We’ve never done more than 6.
This is the reason I was surprised people were so blasé about the kindergarten/wedding thing. I would not have my kid start kindergarten jet-lagged by even a couple hours. It would be a recipe for total disaster for my kid.
Anonymous says
Honestly, the easiest way to deal with it is to avoid situations you know will be problematic. I’d avoid the playground and other situations with lots of other kids after school, and as others have suggested I’d limit scooter use to safe, contained areas.
I have a 4-year-old nephew who is like this all the time, even just with his own parents, and it’s exhausting. If you can avoid the behavior by keeping him out of group situations, especially when he’s tired and hungry, it seems worthwhile.
Anon says
But how does the kid learn to behave better in group situations if they’re never allowed to be in group situations? I get limiting scooter use (especially short term as a consequence) but saying the kid can’t go to playgrounds is pretty crazy.
Anon says
He is in school, learning to be in a group setting. Expecting a 3-year-old to be on their best behavior all day is unreasonable, and it’s possible this kid needs some time to blow off steam after 3pm. It won’t last forever – maybe in a month you give it another shot. Kids mature and change quickly; there’s no use forcing a stressful situation to “learn something” when maturity will take care of much of it with time.
Anon says
Oh ok I agree taking a break for a month might make sense. I read the Anon 10:56 as saying he can’t go back to these situations until he’s much better able to control himself, which could be years away, and that seemed really extreme to me.
OP says
My son is in a Montessori program and he does this at school too. Not to this degree from what I hear but like touching kids next to him at circle time and the teachers are like he needs to behave even when he’s hungry or tired because other kids do.
Anonymous says
Maybe Montessori is not the best fit for him and a play-based preschool with lots of outdoor time would be better? If the Montessori program has high expectations for kids to sit still, be quiet, keep their hands to themselves, etc., he is probably feeling like a failure all day and exhausted when school lets out.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Aah he’s in Montessori – maybe it’s not the right fit for him? Every time someone posts on here about daycare complaining about a kid’s (developmentally normal) behavior, it always seems to be Montessori.
Anon says
Yes! I know three kids who were kicked out of preschool and they were all Montessori schools. They seem to have such unrealistic expectations for preschooler behavior.
Anonymous says
Then his school isn’t a good fit and you should move him immediately
Anonymous says
Try a forest preschool.
Anon says
If you’re lucky enough to have one near you. I don’t think forest preschools are common at all, there are none in my area and I never heard of it except here.
Anonymous says
Really? I’m in a pretty small city (150 000) and we have two. Maybe more common in less urban areas?
Anonymous says
Metro area of 1M+ and there are zero forest schools here.
Anon says
Small city with a 200k metro population; no forest schools here.
Anonymous says
Good luck finding one with daycare hours.
Anon says
Ack – I’m late to this thread, but look into sensory processing disorders – in particular sensory seeking or proprioception or vestibular processing issues. My son was like this as a toddler, and I was mystified until a perceptive daycare worker showed me a checklist for sensory seeking processing disorders. It was like I was reading a description of my son! An OT helped him learn how to calm down – his body just calms down and slows down differently than other people’s bodies. He needs to do different things to help him slow down. Hunger and fatigue are definitely triggers where he becomes unregulated. The OT was also so helpful in letting us understand that his behavior wasn’t “willful” and that he has different triggers than us.
Op says
Yes I’ve seen these and I really think he fits all the symptoms but should I just Google for an OT to help treat?
Anonymous says
Start with your pediatrician to get a referral for evaluation.
Anonymous says
Talk to me about moving a 3 year old to a regular bed from a crib. Do you have to take every thing he could possibly play with out of the room so he doesn’t get up in the middle of the night and play? We’re keeping him in night diapers for now so I’m not worried about him having to get up to use the bathroom. Anything else we should know/plan for? Thank you!
Anonymous says
We baby proofed the room and minimized flashing toys in the bedroom but otherwise tried not to worry about what the kid was doing in the room as long as they were in there…
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes – get any dangerous cords out of the way and strap the furniture, but otherwise we kept our kids’ rooms as is post moving to a bed. It’s kid dependent whether they will get up, but even our more adventurous older one would be more likely to just come out of the room v. playing in the room at night. Younger one has just stayed in his bed.
AIMS says
Do you otherwise feel okay leaving your kid in the room for a few minutes? We really didn’t do anything different at all but both my kids are not the type to just randomly start climbing furniture and when they wake up, they immediately tell you about it. I think it also depends on the room – ours wasn’t particularly dangerous to begin with – and how far you are (we’re close).
I feel like at 3 most kids could climb out of a crib anyway if they wanted to, so it’s maybe more of a formality?
Anon says
Tbh, I’m surprised that he’s made it to 3 without climbing out if the crib!
My first climbed out before she was 2 – so we moved her to a mattress on the floor the very next day. She was going to have to vacate the crib at about 28 months anyway since I was pregnant and needed the crib for #2, but she was out about 5 months early since we didn’t want her to get hurt if she tried to climb out of the crib again
Anon says
We converted the crib to a toddler bed when my daughter was 2 and moved her to a twin bed at 3.5. I don’t think we did anything to the room. It was minimally baby proofed (furniture attached to wall, etc) already. But my kid is lazy – she’s almost 5 now and still calls for us in the morning rather than just getting out of bed herself.
NYCer says
Both my kids moved to regular beds shortly after turning 2. We did not do anything special to their rooms and have never had an issue.
EB says
We moved both my kids to their own bed around 3. My older son was no trouble except he kept coming out to tell us stuff. My younger girl is a nightmare (said with love). She pulls everything out of her drawers and toy boxes regularly, and we have to make sure we don’t leave any markers or crayons in the room. Not that it matters, as she’s colored all over her chair and drawers. She doesn’t always stay in her room either – I once found her in the backyard playing in the sandbox. But even though she’s difficult, we kind of just let it happen, as long as there’s nothing dangerous going on. We make sure to lock all the doors leading out now, of course! But beyond that, we’re so tired at night (because she’s A LOT during the day too) that we just let her be. She often stays up later than we do. So…I guess my point is – it depends, and it’s all ok, so long as they’re safe.
Anonymous says
We put a baby gate on the bedroom door or use a toddler knob cover until they are old enough to be potty training at night.
Abby says
If anyone is shopping for the Uppababy Vista V2, I just bought it from Strolleria for 20% in the grey Stella color.
Anon says
Starting IVF in January if IUI doesn’t work this month. Oof, this is going to be a mess. My clinic doesn’t offer any appointments before 8 am and I’m client facing and booked solid for the next 3 months.
I’m also pretty sure I’m focusing on the logistical issues to avoid my feelings.
How were your IVF cycles, really? My friend had a horrible time mentally and physically. I’ve done fine with medicated IUI so far.
Anonymous says
I found it physically fine. And I just cancelled appointments. So will you, you’ll have to and it will be fine.
AnonforIVF says
I did 5 retrieval cycles and 3 unmedicated transfer cycles (one did not implant, one resulted in our 2 year old, one resulted in my current 33 week pregnancy).
I can’t speak for transfer cycles since mine were all unmedicated save for a trigger shot, but for the retrievals, I really had an easy experience emotionally/physically. No huge mood swings, no significant physical discomfort, quick recovery from the retrieval procedure itself. I mostly attribute this to being dealt a good hand of cards (well, as good as you can get when your hand includes IVF!), but I did do the following things during my retrieval cycles which made me feel good/like I had a modicum of control over the situation, even if they didn’t impact the outcome (and there’s no way of proving one way or the other if they did):
– I took a ton of vitamins/supplements and did Acupuncture (which i found super relaxing and was covered by my insurance)
– I walked 5-6 miles per day
– I hydrated like it was a part time job
– I ate mostly healthy which meant an extra focus on healthy fats, greens, quality proteins, fiber etc, but I didn’t cut out chocolate or desserts and I didn’t cut out gluten/dairy or otherwise change my diet in ways that weren’t medically necessary for me
Happy to answer questions!
Also, which city/area are you in? People may be able to offer alternative clinic suggestions with better hours (mine started monitoring at 7am daily M-F).
Anonymous says
Hugs – hang in there! Maybe think of it as practice for scheduling life post baby? Keeping my fingers crossed for your IUI so it becomes a moot point.
busybee says
Physically my IVF retrieval cycle and my 4 medicated transfer cycles were super easy. I had no physical side effects. Emotionally it’s difficult but I did my best to stay busy to keep my mind off things. And yeah the scheduling logistics get very tricky
Pogo says
They don’t even offering monitoring/blood draws before 8am? Are there… other options? That would not have worked for me personally. I was going every other day, sometimes every day, near trigger. I did not disclose to my boss at the time and this would have made it really difficult if I was showing up at 10am everyday for an entire week. Plus as you mention, work doesn’t just stop and you have meetings to attend.
As for how you feel, I think it depends on your protocol and your diagnosis. I had PCOS and complications associated with that as I experience hyperovulation. Not everyone has that so I don’t want to scare you! This forced me to do a freeze all cycle, which bummed me out at the time, but in retrospect I’m really glad because my body had been through a lot. But, it meant mentally I wasn’t dealing with any disappointment from the cycle results, so I can’t relate to that emotional aspect of it that might be in play for you (again, depends on your diagnosis).
Anon says
If moving to another clinic without having to re-do the diagnostics is an option, I’d consider it. I’m shocked they don’t do appointments before 8 AM – my clinic opened the phone lines at 6:30 and appointments for monitoring started at 7 AM. That was critical for work.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, I would try to move clinics if at all possible in this scenario. My clinic did blood draw and monitoring appointments starting at 6. I would hate to burn through some of my leave time before I even had the chance to get pregnant!
I feel like 8 am would be really hard for most people’s schedules. If you work, you’re likely already starting or on your way by then, and if you stay at home with kids, then your partner has likely left for work and you’d have to arrange for childcare.
Client Facing IVF says
I’m in a very client facing, biz development role FULL of evening events, entertaining, etc. The hardest part was (1) right after the retrieval. I have bad PCOS and never got OHSS but was flirting with it in my recovery. I was very, very swollen for about 5 days. I couldn’t wear my normal pants – could only tolerate loose PG pants for a few days. I think I stayed home for 3 days (cited some vague “procedure” and managed my calendar accordingly. My recovery was uniquely tough because I had 45 eggs retrieved last time, which is A LOT and not typical, but something to be aware of; and, (2) evening shots. Depending on your exact protocol you may have a lot of shots or not, but the shots need to happen at the same time every night. Some of them have to be refrigerated and, for me, had needles so large I couldn’t do it myself. I took the shots between 10:30 and 11pm nightly to account for the evening work stuff. I definitely had to dismiss myself early a few times to get home in time.
You’ll make it through. I promise. Logistics are overwhelming but take it a step at a time. Get through the retrieval first before you start thinking about the next part.
anon says
Also, re: the appointment timing… I don’t think I could have done it without my monitoring appointments being at 7am and sometimes as early as 6:15. It will be hard doing it at 8, and there’s no guaranty you get the 8am slot each time. You can get creative with managing your calendar tightly. I don’t suggest people move clinics on a whim – I did it and we lost a good 5-6 months with insurance, waiting for an intake appointment ,etc – but you may give it a go and realize that is the only viable option.
Pogo says
twins!! I think I got 34 eggs, if I recall. I did have OHSS and it was ROUGH.
Anon says
Thank you everyone so far! Please, keep up the antedata!
Regarding clinic and appointment times. Ugh, yeah. We live in a Midwest city where really there are 2 REI practices. The one I’m at is considered to be the (slightly) better/more successful one. I didn’t really shop around given that and didn’t ask about appointment times etc assuming that early mornings were standard. It sounds like it’s staffing issues, they’re currently doing monitoring from 8-11 am. From what I’ve heard regarding other healthcare we’ve needed, medical staffing in our area is a huge issue. I have no clue if the other clinic would be better, but it may be worth looking into.
I have enough job security and my organization is dysfunctional enough that I think I can get through this IUI and the first retrieval. Hopefully I’ll get lucky and not have to think past that.
NLD in NYC says
So strange the clinic doesn’t offer earlier appointments however I can understand the staffing shortages.
For me, it’s wasn’t that bad. I felt that the first round aggravated my endo so I was crampier and more bloated than usual, but it subsided quickly. 2nd round was easier. I knew what to expect and I reminded myself that it’ll be over in 2-3 weeks. Hugs and hope that the final IUI round is a success.
Anon says
I was amazingly lucky and had success after a single cycle at age 41. I didn’t have a hard time mentally or physically – I appreciated the science / logistics of it, actually – measuring the doses, monitoring the medication schedules, getting updates at each appointment – it felt like I was finally making some kind of progress after many frustrating years of feeling like my fertility was entirely outside of my control. I was in hearings about 3 or 4 days a week then … 6:30 or 7 a.m. appointments were the only way I could make things work since the clinic was a good 25 minute drive in the opposite direction of work. I had morning appointments for both retrieval and implantation and was able to work by the afternoon in each case.
Good luck!
Isabella says
My kid absolutely hates sleeping in the bottom of the packnplay, so much that it created long term sleep problems. He is sleeping better in a full crib, but we do have travel planned, including a trip from US to UK (probably flying Virgin). He’ll be about 1.5 years old. WWYD? Cosleeping? Splurge on the Baby Bjorn travel crib?
Lizard says
Will you be in a hotel that can provide a crib? Might there be a way to rent a crib? But my go-to sleep solution for kids on vacation is indeed cosleeping.
Isabella says
Likely staying with family most of the time.
Anonymous says
You could rent, but I would consider asking family to buy a crib (offer to pay if you can swing it) and then store or give it away when you leave. Store if you’ll be visiting again, give away if not.
Anon says
Cosleeping is probably the best option for the hotel. Hotel “cribs” are often pack n plays (although you’re more likely to get a real crib in Europe in my experience – not sure about the UK specifically as we haven’t been there with little kids ).
At that age, I wouldn’t count on any sleep on the plane unfortunately. They’re too old to just fall asleep everywhere but too young to respond to a gentle “go the f to sleep” :)
Anonymous says
Is the issue that the pack and play “mattress” is basically a sheet of MDF with a thin layer of batting on it? At 1.5, he could use a softer mattress. If you are staying with family see if they can borrow a crib from someone locally. Or even just a crib mattress on the floor.
Isabella says
I think the issue is the bars across the bottom, but also the lack of padding. I definitely couldn’t sleep like that!
Anon says
They make mattresses you can add to the pack and play. There’s also the buy nothing traveler’s network on facebook that could lend your local family member a crib.
EDAnon says
We bought one from Target and left it at my parents. The mattress makes a HUGE difference.
Anon says
You can also buy mattresses that fit the pack and play – it was a life saver when we traveled with toddlers. https://www.amazon.com/Hygge-Hush-Protector-Featuring-Removable/dp/B09753SBVR/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=pack+n+play+mattress&qid=1669743422&sr=8-5
Anon says
Inflatable toddler mattress on the floor?
Anon says
Rent a crib! I did that in several different cities. They delivered and picked up the stuff.
I bring my own crib sheets.
Isabella says
How do you find rentals?
Anon says
There are companies that do it. Not sure which ones operate in the UK. G00gle “baby gear rental UK”
Anonymous says
Call a decent hotel near where you’ll be staying and ask for recommendations, or have your relatives ask neighbors, etc.
Redux says
Does anyone remember something that your mom said or did that helped you feel better when you were excluded or bullied at school?
My 3rd grade girl is on the receiving end of some mean girl behavior at school. She’s been excluded from at least one birthday party and says the girls dont let her play with them on the playground (or they give her a role to “play” so they are technically including her, but her role is like “perimeter guard” so she’s isolated from the group). It’s pretty heartbreaking even if common. We’ve talked to the school about and they are frustratingly hands off, saying that most of the source of the behavior happens outside of school (birthday parties, extracurriculars, moms are friends, etc.) and they can’t dictate what happens outside of school. Not that I want the school to try to force a friendship— that won’t work and could make it worse. Instead I am trying to equip my daughter with the resiliency skills to handle this experience. I would like her to learn that trying to keep up with those girls will not serve her in the long run as she deserves friends who are kind to her, coolness and popularity fade, it’s ok to fly solo, etc.
Sometimes what I say feels trite or even dismissive so I am trying to be careful about my words. And so, dear mamas, do you remember going through this, and what your mom did or said that made you feel better?
Anonymous says
One thing you can do is to provide her with opportunities to make friends outside of school. Sports teams, Girl Scouts, and religious education are better for this than something like dance class where they aren’t allowed to talk to each other.
Anonymous says
+1 to girl scouts. I am not a big fan generally but it really helped one of my kids make friends.
ElisaR says
+1 i experienced this as a child and dance was a huge help. NEW friends. also our church was the next town over so that yielded new friends too.
Anonymous says
Yes this. Having friends that were from different activities and didn’t go to my high school was SO helpful. Girl Scouts did break down social barriers and ballet did the same for me, I was friends with girls at dance that I didn’t hang out with at school.
EDAnon says
+1
SC says
+1. I had friends in my neighborhood and at church and at an extracurricular activity I did outside of school. When I had trouble with one group of friends, I was able to shift toward another group pretty easily. That doesn’t mean my feelings were never hurt, but I don’t think the exclusions and bullying behavior affected my self-esteem or really got to me. And since I was mostly able to shrug and ignore, I was never a target for very long.
Anonymous says
Does she have friends at school? If not, I would start there. Don’t force friendships with specific girls, but do encourage the ones she has. Proactively have playdates, ideally 1:1. Try out a new activity, or maybe invite a friend from an activity to do a 1:1 playdate before or after. My 3rd grader will sometimes walk home with a friend, have snack and play for a bit, then go to their common activity together.
While you are totally right to help her feel good in the moment, I think she needs to find her people. If she isn’t making friends at school then certainly try activities outside of school.
Unless…if this is a group of girls she’s been friends with for years and now is being excluded, can you have those kids over? If they are all doing the same activities outside school it probably does create a “line” when it comes to birthday party invites, for example. She should have buddies to hang out with that are also not going to the b’day party.
Anonymous says
How about helping her find other friends at school? Are there other non-mean girls in her class that she is friendly with? You could invite them over for a play date
So Anon says
My youngest has struggled with friendships, and, from what I recall, third grade was a time when this was really intense. I agree with others about giving her opportunities to make friends outside of school. My daughter does better when there is some structure to an activity, so sports or being part of the drama club. The other thing that I try and do is to make my home her soft landing spot. I try to listen without judgment, try not to suggest how things could be done differently or offer advice, unless she asks. I validate her feelings and just try to be present with her. If she says that she doesn’t have friends or say that she doesn’t fit in, I don’t try and argue with her about it. I’m not there and don’t witness this going down. Instead, I try and say things like, “wow, that’s a tough thing to feel/think about a situation or yourself. Do you want to tell me more? I’m here for you, and I’ve got you.” This isn’t how I was treated as a child, quite the opposite, so I’m trying to create a safe, welcoming and accepting space for my kiddo.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this post. I have a very well adjusted very social 9 year old 3rd grader and this was a reminder to have a little chat with her about including everyone. I’m sitting here thinking “she can’t possibly be in the group that excludes kids” but I bet there are probably some girls that are left out that would prefer not to be.
I know they recently started a club and specifically in their “charter” aka list of rules made one that “everyone is a member unless they tell us they don’t want to be, so nobody feels left out.” There are apparently a lot of tangential members but only a core group of them that meet regularly to discuss Club Items (first and foremost their love of axolotls). There is competition for club membership with the Play Club, a club in which members put on plays at recess, but dual membership is encouraged and allowed. I’ve heard tell of Horse Club and Soccer Club as well.
Anon says
How many of you with toddlers (2-3 years) are getting a full night of sleep most nights? Are your toddlers sleeping? Did you sleep train? We’re TTC and I only have one close friend nearby who already has a kid and bedtime has turned into a huge ordeal for them with one or both parents lying on the bed with their kid, constantly going in for wake-ups, sleeping with him all night sometimes, etc. It’s straining their marriage a bit. Honestly, it freaks me out (I’m much worse on little sleep than my friend is – if it’s bad for her when she can usually power right through, what’s it going to be like for me), but I know I’m seeing n=1 here. What’s happening with your kids?
Anon says
One toddler (turned 2 in October). Have gotten a full night sleep since she was 7 weeks old (and started getting 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretches when she was 4 weeks old).
Lately she doesn’t fall asleep right away the way she used to, but she is happy in her crib by herself (we leave the room, walking from one end of the crib to the other or lying down and chatting to herself/singing songs until she falls asleep 10-40 minutes later).
She is still in her crib and we’ll move her when we absolutely have to and not a day earlier :)
Anon says
Our three year old sleeps through the night — we did sleep train using a sleep consultant.
Anonymous says
We’ve lucked out with a good sleeper, but our kid has slept through the night (except when sick/teething) since about 1.5. Right now at 3 years old, we put our kid to bed between 7:30-8 and don’t hear from him again until around 7 AM. We do have the usual struggles with putting him to bed sometimes, especially now that he can use going to the bathroom as a stalling tactic, but once he’s down in his bed he doesn’t wake up again until morning.
Anon says
My daughter slept through the night at 6 weeks old and never really had regressions as a baby. We were very lucky. But sleep was actually worse at age 2-3 then as a baby. She was “sleeping through the night” in the sense that she rarely slept for less than 8 hours straight but because toddlers have such early bedtimes, she could sleep 8 hours and be up at 2 am. 2 am was pretty rare but we had a six to twelve months stretch where she’d occasionally wake screaming around 3 or 4 am and refuse to go back to sleep. It didn’t happen that often but it happened often enough that it was exhausting and stressful for us.
We got through it and you will too if it happens to you.
Anonymous says
I have 3 kids. Two were fine. One of my kids did not sleep through the night until age 4, was a struggle at bedtime for years, and even now is a challenge with sleep.
I have 3 kids and there was a period of time lasting about 15 months where I did not get more than 4 straight hours of sleep.
YMMV.
Anonymous says
It is entirely dependent on the child and the parents. Some kids just hate sleep and will not sleep until they are like 5 no matter what you do. Other kids sleep through the night starting somewhere in the first year. Some kids are night owls who will sleep for 10 hours straight if you let them stay up until 9 or 10 p.m., but their parents insist on putting them to bed at 6:30 or 7 because that’s what you are “supposed” to do, so they never fall asleep.
If you had a kid like your friend’s, you probably would handle it differently. You never “have” to sleep with your kid, and if you never allow it in the first place the kid won’t even know that they can try to demand it. Your friend has made the decision that allowing her kid to sleep with her is the easiest thing for her and her family, but if you end up with a bad sleeper you can try other options like sleep training, a later bedtime, blackout shades, letting them sleep on the floor, etc.
Anon says
I think my friend’s son’s sleep issues took them by surprise – he was a great sleeper between the ages of about 6 months and 18 months (9 hours at a stretch, no problem), but things went downhill after that. I think she probably thought that sleeping in his room was going to be a one-off since he had slept so well for so long, but clearly it’s not. She says sleep training isn’t right for them, which I respect, but the current situation is a little scary!
Boston Legal Eagle says
“It is entirely dependent on the child and the parents.” This. Some kids are better sleeper than others. Some kids start sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and some kids don’t. Lots of parents sleep train by crying it out. Maybe your friend didn’t, or maybe they did and it didn’t work. It’s hard to say. There is a big big range of sleeping, and not all marriages are destroyed!
For me personally, I lucked out with two good sleepers and generally have gotten my full sleep since they were <1. They do still wake up occasionally at night for whatever reason, but it's not the same as a baby screaming and you not knowing when they'll go back to sleep or for how long.
Pogo says
+1 every kids is different and every set of parents handle it slightly differently. Mine are middle of the road sleepers, went through some rough patches with both, and now I am still at the point where I get woken up several nights a week by my older son because he had a bad dream, wet the bed, or just wants to be covered and snuggled and reassured. However, 9 times out of 10 it is a very quick check-in, maybe sing him a song, and I fall back asleep quickly. Wetting the bed obviously fully wakes you up because you have to change the sheets, but that is like 1x/mo max (a lot of times he just doesn’t quite make it to the bathroom when he’s super sleepy and just needs his undies changed).
GCA says
Hmm. One kid was a terrible sleeper as a baby, the other was pretty decent, both have ended up being ok sleepers overall… but something to remember now (and over the course of your parenting journey) is that what works for another family will not necessarily work for yours. Maybe your friend hasn’t sleep trained because she lives in a thin-walled apartment. Maybe she doesn’t want to right now, and the effort of doing it exceeds the value she’ll get at the moment.
This is true for most any reasonable parenting decision – how and what to feed the baby, childcare setups and choices, what kind of crib or bed they’re in, activities, etc. Maybe your kid will be a fantastic sleeper and the real hurdle for your family will be picky eating or potty training. Maybe your kid will be terrible at sleeping, but sleep is worth enough to you that you decide to pay for professional sleep training. One toddler in someone else’s family is not representative of the entire universe of parenting choices available to you!
Anon says
I have three kids – the first two were reliably sleeping through the night on their own in toddler beds by age 2. I will say until they were 3 or 4, getting them to sleep did require about 20-30 mins of lying next to them at bedtime but once they were down they were solid.
The third is currently three and does not sleep through the night. She still nurses to sleep and then will come into our bed halfway through the night and stays there unless we take her back to her room. Honestly, the way I get a full nights sleep is to co-sleep and let her nurse. I think periodically about weaning her, but sleep is more important to me right now. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper… I can imagine that this kind of pattern would not be as restful if you are a light sleeper.
Also – we sleep trained all our kids and found it worked well as a baby but into the toddler phase we had to try different tactics.
Anon says
Depends on the kid.
At this point, I’ve had 3 toddlers.
Kid #1 didn’t sleep through the night until he was 22 months, then slept like a log. Would happily sleep from 830pm to 730am and was notorious for the awful 3 hour nap at daycare.
Kid #2 was very needy. She needed me to lay with her to fall asleep and I often slept in a twin bed with her holding her hand. Light sleeper but slept 830p-630a with a nap.
Kid #3… well. I let her sleep holding a tortilla the other day because otherwise nobody in this house was going to sleep. Asleep before 8 with back pats. She demands to be pat on the back and will march in and shout ‘PAT ME’. Also the child most likely to raise an army. This all just started when she moved out of the crib – was previously a great sleeper.
Anon2 says
My 20-month-old is world’s worst sleeper (he was up three times by 2 am last night) and I keep hoping he will magically turn a corner…I will hold out for 22 months, lol
Anotheranon says
I laughed so hard at this it hurt
anon says
Admittedly I’m a poopcup, so take this with a grain of salt. Kid is pushing 2.5 and goes to bed most nights without much fuss. We sleep trained him quite young and he knows when I say it’s time for bed, I mean it and I’m walking out of the room. His dad on the other hand likes to snuggle in the recliner, and so kid definitely pushes it with him. Same with naps. He’s still in a crib and not a big bed yet so he doesn’t have much choice. He sleeps roughly 10-11 hours most nights.
Some of it is luck. He slept pretty well from a young age. Some of it is knowing his schedule and knowing when he’s truly tired.
Anon says
The only part of this that’s poopcup is thinking you deserve credit for his good sleeping. Some kids are great sleepers and it’s not smug to say that your kid is one when you’re asked. But it’s really just luck.
Anonforthisbcjudgment says
A lot of it is luck. But some of it is also paying attention to what works/doesn’t work for your family and child, trying different things when you get stuck, etc. People are allowed to take (even partial) credit for wins, even in parenting. And it’s not a condemnation or attack on those who had a harder path.
Anon says
Hmm yeah, but if you read here there are a lot of parents of multiple kids saying it IS luck.
We have four kids. Have sleep trained all of them. Three are good sleepers. One is not, never has been. She’s last to sleep, first up in the morning, and regularly comes and gets in bed with us. Everything that worked for my oldest two and youngest doesn’t work with her. She’s just wired differently!
(but earlier poster – you’re not being a poopcup!)
Anon says
I am an outlier, but my 5.5 YO just started sleeping through the night three weeks ago. I don’t even want to pretend it’s permanent lest I jinx it. Because 5.5 years (plus the last two months of pregnancy) is a really long time to not sleep through the night. Our solution for our sanity and our marriage (after trying everything we could to sleep train or not sleep train or dance for the sleep deities or follow someone else’s magic formula) was letting her sleep in our room (either in our bed or a sleeping bag on the floor, as I fall back asleep much faster if I don’t get out of bed) and time.
So, can it happen, yes? Should you expect it to happen that late, probably not. And I think you will surprise yourself about your ability to do things for your kid on limited sleep. If you’d asked me pre-baby if I would be functional today the answer would have been no, and yet here I am.
Anon says
Hugs <3 I have a very very high strung, spirited kid and I know if she weren't biologically programmed for ultra high sleep needs (inherited from me) we likely would have been in this situation. I know it must be kind of isolating especially when many people (as evidenced by this thread) think sleep is something you can control if you just read the right books or hire the right sleep consultants.
NYCer says
Luck of the draw to some extent I think. Both of my kids were/are sleeping through the night reliably at age 2-3. And honestly were reliably sleeping through the night by 10-12 weeks. We had a night nurse who sleep trained both kids at that time.
Anonymous says
Currently feeling jealous of those babies that slept long early. My baby is 12 weeks and has yet to sleep more than 3.5 hours. Last night she went to bed at 8:30 and was up at 11:30, 2, 2:30, 3, and then had to be held for the rest of the night because she was waking up every 10 minutes otherwise. She still stirred when we held her, but dropped back off pretty quickly. In her bassinet she would stir, then wake completely with a yell moments later and need soothing. I am not at my best today.
I know sleep will come when she’s ready, but I hope it comes soon. In another few weeks we will probably get stricter with how we treat those early morning wake-ups. I don’t think she’s ready for any form of training yet….soon.
anon says
Smug parent comment? Sleep is ok, but sometimes the least of our issues. My 3.5 year old is spirited, for lack of a more original word, and it’s so very hard. She’s been like this since she was about 24 months. That keeps me up at night far more than her sleep patterns, which at times have been excellent and at other times a hot mess.
Parenting is about control, and more specifically learning that there’s very little you can control. It’s stressful to think about but, and as I often remind myself, people with far fewer resources and know-how have parented since the beginning of time and managed to come out the other side. You will too!
Anonymous says
+1 to your last paragraph!
And the days/nights will be long but the years will be very short.
Anon says
I have two kids, early elementary, and they have both slept through the night reliably since they were babies. My oldest since maybe 4 months, my youngest since maybe 7 months. We were honestly just incredibly lucky and didn’t have to sleep train, but there was a point where we didn’t go in for any little fuss and definitely let them cry a little bit to see if they would settle on their own, which in our case they eventually did. I don’t know if this helps as I don’t have magic advise but I know sometimes it helps just to know something is possible.
Anonymous says
I also have three kids and 2/3 of them are good sleepers. It’s luck/personality and nothing I’ve done as a parent/sleep trainer. What works for my kids wouldn’t necessarily work for yours. First kid: STTN at four months, is still a good sleeper at age 5.5 we sleep trained sort of but he’s just a good sleeper. He and I love to sleep.
Now my toddler twins: one twin is high sleep needs. He was STTN around 6 months and still does well at 21 months, with occasional night wakings during illnesses.
Twin 2 has never slept. His night nurse used to laugh about it “oh he just doesn’t like to miss anything” she would say (like seriously what are you missing from 2-4AM, bro). Today marks 31 days of multiple night wakings for him. I actually just got home from the pediatrician who said one of his ear tubes fell out and he probably needs his adenoids removed. We’ll be seeing the ENT ASAP to address those. I do think twin 2 is an outlier. Gently, I think you’re borrowing trouble a little here. As someone who is at her wit’s end from sleep issues: Your friend sounds a little stubborn. You don’t want to sleep train? Fine, but stop telling your childless friends about your sleep issues. That sounds rude but I’ve been through h3ll the last month and I don’t think it’s appropriate to share with my childless friends.
AwayEmily says
I want to push back a bit on the “it’s pure luck of the draw” thing. Yes, absolutely some kids are better sleepers than others (I have 3 kids and they vary a lot in their sleep needs and propensities for wakeups). BUT I do think that you can do specific things to make maximizing sleep a priority for your family. That’s the path we took — which meant that before my kids arrived I read a lot of sleep books, got familiar with the different approaches, and came up a plan for how to get enough sleep for us and our kids. Our plan happened to be CIO sleep training and I wholeheartedly endorse that if you’re comfortable with it (all of our kids were sleeping 11 hours a night by 12 weeks), but for other people it might be safe cosleeping or something else. If CIO hadn’t worked, we would have hired a sleep consultant. And even now with older kids, when a new sleep issue crops up, as it often does, (e.g. waking up scared), we deal with it immediately and deliberately in a way that maximizes our sleep. That might mean setting up a mattress in the kids’ room so that we can sleep in there with them, or instituting regular checks. But it definitely involves talking explicitly about it with my partner, reading up, getting advice (often from here) and figuring out a game plan. How your kid sleeps will never be 100% in your control, but there are things you can do to ensure you are not a sleep-deprived disaster.
Anon says
+1 I dislike the attitude that parents can’t take ANY credit at all.
1) Sure, are there good sleepers that would be good sleepers no matter what? Yes.
2) Are there terrible sleepers that would be terrible sleepers no matter what? Absolutely.
But 3) Are there some kids that could in theory be good sleepers, but they need more strategies to be one than the kids in category 1 in order to be a good sleeper? I believe so. But sometimes the atmosphere is such that you can’t even dare mention what worked for you or what you’ve seen be successful with regards to sleep because those in the 2) category feel attacked. I totally get it, no amount of strategies would work for some kids, but that doesn’t mean that no strategy ever worked for any kid.
I guess I’m a little triggered by anon 11:41 mentioning some actual strategies that worked for them (sleep training, being in tune with their kids internal schedule) and being promptly attacked for being smug for taking any credit at all.
Anonforthisbcjudgment says
+ a million to this comment. In general, do I have an “easy” child (at least to-date)? Yes. However, did/do I also spend time researching/thinking about what will benefit my child/family and how best to set us all up for success in the areas that matter to us? Also yes.
Anon says
Get back to me when you have a second kid or your first kid is over the age of 5.
Anonforthisbcjudgment says
Oh FFS. When I was pregnant, I heard “get back to me once you’ve had a kid”.
I’m sorry other people’s parenting makes you feel bad about yourself. No one is doing this AT you.
AwayEmily says
The whole “only parents of multiple kids know what they are talking about” thing is silly. I have three kids, but some of the very best parenting advice I’ve gotten is from a friend with just one. I trust her because she’s thoughtful, kind, smart, and does tons of research. Yes, experience matters. It matters a lot! But it’s not everything.
Anonymous says
I think the “only parents of multiple kids know what they are talking about” thing is just about odds–you might hit the lottery with a perfect child once, but probably not twice. With two you are also likely to see that different kids require different solutions, and that much less is within your control than you believe.
I say this as the mom of an only who was very easy in some ways and very difficult in others.
Anon says
I probably shouldn’t even engage in this, but I’m Anon at 12:46 and I have multiple kids over the age of 5. Nobody is parenting at you. There aren’t just always cut and dry luck scenarios for sleep. It harms other people that may benefit from sleep success stories/tips (like the OP is looking for) yet others are afraid to share because of attitudes like this.
Anon says
It’s not that parents who only have one child aren’t allowed to have opinions. It’s that when you only have one child and that child is still very young it’s easy to ascribe the positive aspects of their behavior to your parenting when really it’s just their DNA. That’s why the phrase is parent of one perfect child *under preschool age*. As kids get older and develop their own personalities it becomes more obvious how much of it is genetics and luck. If you have a second child you’re more likely to realize it earlier, because your two kids may be nothing alike despite the same parenting, but only child parents realize it eventually. And some of us had the hard kid first and realized it from the get go.
Anon says
I was responding specifically to the Anon at 1:15. I don’t disagree with your comment, Anon at 12:46.
Anonymous says
Oh, there are some people who definitely parent at other people. I have a SIL and a frenemy who both do it. In both cases, the performative parenting appears to come from a place of deep-seated insecurity and is definitely about themselves, not their kids.
Anonymous says
I am an only child and have an only child, so not generally a fan of dividing moms based on whether they have one or multiple kids because at the end of the day we’re all parenting and it’s tough for everyone in different ways, but I do think it’s harder to realize how much of it is luck when you only have one. I’m not gonna lie, it was kind of vindicating for me when my friends who had easy firsts got walloped by their seconds and realized that, no, they weren’t actually better parents than me, they just had easy first kids. I can see myself having been smug if I’d had an easy kid and in fact I probably was a bit smug when my only child was under 2 because she was an easy baby and toddler who then grew into a very challenging preschooler and elementary schooler. I also think my own parents were a wee bit smug about their parenting until they tried the same parenting techniques on their grandkid and failed miserably :) So yeah… parents of only children are parents and can definitely have good advice, but each additional kid is more opportunity to realize that each kid is different and that you probably don’t deserve as much credit or blame for your kids’ behavior as you might think.
Anon says
I think the other thing on this is yes, of course parenting matters – we all have that one friend or relative where you can see how they create chaos that messes with their kid’s sleep (for instance – there are obviously other examples too). But in general, most parents have done the same research and tried the same things. Ferber/CIO is emotionally grueling but it’s not actually complicated or difficult to implement, so when you talk about how your kid is sleeping well because of your parenting, yes, that’s true in that if you die none of the fairly simple things you did, your kid probably wouldn’t sleep well. But it doesn’t mean another parent didn’t do those same things and have them not work.
IOW, give yourselves credit for being good parents but don’t assume that randos on the internet aren’t also just because their results aren’t the same.
Anonymous says
I’m the poster at 2:35 with an only child and I agree with this. My friends with easier first kids didn’t say to me in so many words “I’m a better parent than you” but when they would say things like “Well why don’t you try X or Y? That worked just perfectly for us!” it was so frustrating because OF COURSE I tried all those things. As you noted, the mechanics of parenting little kids really isn’t that complicated and we were all fundamentally doing the same things, the only variable that was different was our kids and it felt like there was no recognition of that on their parts until they had their second kids and finally realized that these methods they swore by aren’t one size fits all. And like I said, if I had had an easier kid as my only, I can see how I would have been sitting around thinking “well, why don’t think they just try X or Y? It worked so well for me.”
Bette says
It’s sooo variable and I have no additional words of wisdom beyond what’s already been said, but here’s one more data point:
My child starting sleeping through the night (meaning asleep from 7 pm to 7 am with no wakeups) around 5 or 6 months. He was always a very skinny baby so I think it took him a while before his stomach could hold enough milk to sleep through the night without waking up hungry at 5 am. We used a SNOO and also did sleep training a la Taking Cara Babies (yes I know she’s a Trumper don’t @ me). He’s 24 months now and has consistently slept 11-12 hours a night since weaning from the SNOO (in a floor bed, we skipped a crib and went straight from SNOO to mattress on the floor). Bedtime is mostly smooth and he happily goes to sleep around 8-8:30 pm, but there are occasional phases of a few weeks where he protests and we have to reinforce sleep training/ boundaries even if he protests a little when we leave (one more song! One more song!). On weekends he sleeps in a little/plays independently in his room until at least 8 am which is glorious, I actually get to sleep in a little!
I’m like you – sleep deprivation is my Achilles heel and I completely fall apart if I’m getting less than 8 or 9 hours but thankfully, I have been able to get good sleep ever since that six month mark.
Also I have to laugh at the kid sleeping with a tortilla… mine regularly insists on sleeping with kitchen items (one week it was a salad spinner, this week it’s been a cutting board).
PinkKeyboard says
I have a 17 year old stepson, 7 year old, 5 year old, and 7 month old. All sleep through the night. The 7 month and 5 year old did it themselves by 6 months, the 7 year old I sleep trained at 6 months old. I have never lain with them to fall asleep, even the baby drinks his bottle then plays in his crib to fall asleep. I read a book, give kisses and hugs, and I’m OUT OF THERE. The older kids know they need to wait until we get them in the morning so they will play quietly, color, or read in their rooms. The 7 month old does not know that, but he does have to stay in his crib until his hatch turns the right color (we’re working towards 7am, but for now any time after 5:30 we try to run the clock a bit then cheat and switch the color). It does NOT have to be that bad at all. My cats are more disruptive to my sleep by a large margin.
octagon says
Kiddo didn’t reliably sleep through the night until… 5, maybe? It’s a big reason he’s an only child. Even as a baby, he just could not self-soothe — we tried multiple rounds of CIO and it always resulted in more screaming as the hours wore on, not less. Apparently there’s a very small share of kids that work themselves up more and never hit the point of full exhaustion, lucky us. By 18m he was having night terrors at least 3x a week that would wreck everyone for at least an hour in the middle of the night; those continued for at least 3 more years. (The pediatrician actually told me “he won’t still be like this at college … or if he is, he at least won’t still be waking you up from his dorm room.) He still has nightmares but now it’s more like once every other week, which feels totally bearable.
The saving grace is that the terrible sleep didn’t seem to bother him at all – he’s a happy, bright, active and engaged kid who often couldn’t remember what had happened the night before. I think it’s just the way he’s wired and nothing we could have done differently.
Anon says
My kids often wake up too early but they go to bed without a fight and sleep well through the night. Sleep training can make a huge difference. I think more kids would be better sleepers for the most part if parents committed to sleep training and viewed it as a good thing. Sleep training was the last thing I wanted to do but we felt we had tried every other option, and ultimately we are much better for it.
Anon says
My 2.5 year old has mostly slept through the night since around 6 months (with a brief period of very early morning wakeups for a couple of weeks). We used the Taking Cara Babies classes and followed those tips pretty strictly.
Anon says
She is a huge Trump supporter and donor, for those who don’t know. There are lots of authors and influencers sharing the same content (I think it’s basically the Ferber method?) without the MAGAness.
Anon says
I think the book Precious Little Sleep is basically the same as her method and priced as a book, not an expensive course.
Pogo says
Before that came out a friend of mine bought her class and shared the pdf with me. It’s literally just Ferber. You can google it for free.
The value of a sleep consultant (which I did pay for when I was at my wits end) is that it’s someone to hold you accountable and provide support. I still think it’s worthwhile if you are crying more than you child at any point.
Anonymous says
Wow…you’re not yet pregnant and you managed to push a hot-button issue on the Moms page. Congrats.
Snark aside, each parent and child will carve their own sleep path. Sleep, like all of parenthood, will have stages and periods. We are all doing our best.
An.On. says
Only one child, still in a crib, but they’ve been sleeping more or less through the night (sickness & poop accidents excluded) without wake-ups probably since somewhere between 6-12 months old. We’ll see how it goes when we transition out of the crib. They sometimes yell or have nightmares and stuff, so I used to go and check on them, but that ended up keeping us both up longer, so now I take pills to sleep through most of it (they’re usually asleep or mostly asleep, they just…sleep-yell).
We’re lucky ours sleeps pretty good, but also, at certain points we made the decision to do less intervention, and that’s been successful for us.
Anonymous says
Currently have one 2-year-old in a crib, and my experience has been the same – sleeping through the night starting at around 6 mos except when sick, and VERY vocal while sleeping. Said kid screamed 24/7 from approximately birth through 4.5 months, and I fully expect things will change again at some point, but I do appreciate that I’m currently getting a full night’s sleep most nights. We did not really sleep train, just worked with daycare on being consistent about putting the baby down drowsy but awake (and we are literally the only people we know that’s worked for, so take it with a grain of salt). Kids are different at different ages, and they’re all different from each other. You just have to figure out what works for that particular kid (and get lucky and have a infant sleep wizard for your kid’s first daycare teacher).
Anon says
Thanks everyone. These are helpful perspectives! It’s something I plan to ask more friends about if they start having kids too. It really benefits me to see different examples and viewpoints.
Anonymous says
Or you could not ask anyone and just see what happens. That’s what we did because no one we knew had kids yet. It would have been nice to have friends and family with experience who could normalize the hard parts for us, but on the other hand we didn’t have people making us feel guilty for not doing sleep training or BLW or whatever “perfectly.”
Anonymous says
Obviously you have a lot of responses. I will add our anedata. By 2-3 we slept through the night most of the time, but there will always be things that come up (teething, a cold, a two week phase of bad sleep, etc). Our first slept 12 hours by 4 months without us doing much of anything. The second was up twice a night for I don’t remember how long and once a night until closer to 18-20 mo. Not gonna lie, that was really hard and I struggled with short term memory issues. We did not do CIO sleep training for various reasons including child’s personality, my own aversion to hours upon hours of crying, and not wanting to wake up the other child. But again by 2-3 they both slept most nights. One thing I DO regret is spending SO MUCH MENTAL ENERGY trying to optimize naps and sleep train naps during maternity leave – a lot of added stress for nothing!
Anonymous says
Re. POOPCUPS: the problem isn’t just that they think they deserve credit for their kids’ behavior, whether they do or not. The problem is more that they think everyone who is having a more difficult time is doing something wrong.
Anonymous says
Hah! Well said! And lots of POOPCUPs out today. And smug OP.
Like the poster said above…OP isn’t even pregnant and is already stirring the pot here.
Anon says
Does anyone have a strategy or a system to help your child with keeping track of their things, particularly winter gear? My stepdaughter (6.5) is on pair number two of mittens and its not even December! Part of the problem is that the mitts travel with her from our home to her mother’s home and frequently don’t make it back (her mom is a bit less militant about winter gear). Do I just keep a stash of cheap gloves at home? Sew them to her coat? Mitts on a string? She has outdoor recess most days we get temperatures that can cause frostbite throughout all of the winter, so I’m not keen to let her sink or swim on this one.
Anonymous says
Mittens on a string
AwayEmily says
We buy a ton of the cheap stretch gloves/mittens from target and use those for outdoor time under a half hour (so: recess, going to school, etc).
Anonymous says
I have a 6.5 year old who would lose her head if that were possible. I bought a bag of 20 cheap gloves and put a pair in every pocket, one in her backpack and she brought one to keep in her locker. She lost them all by the end of the season.
Separately, we have ski gloves. If she loses those, she can’t play in the snow at school. Her loss. But at least with the cheap cotton gloves she’ll have warm-ish hands.
We also periodically grab them from the lost and found at the bus, at dance class, at the gym and at school.
Lizard says
Make sure her coat has deep enough pockets that she can stash the mittens inside and they won’t fall out. You may also want to buy thinner mittens or gloves if this is an issue. Put name labels inside them so if the teacher or someone finds them they can get back to her. Also, can she leave a pair of mittens in her cubby at school to use during recess? Otherwise, yeah, buying several pairs at $5/pop would be my recommendation. It’s not worth the stress.
anonM says
Not easy! I do buy mittens that are really bright colors, like tie-dye, so they’re easier to spot. GL.
Anonymous says
This is what we do. Each kid has two pairs of mittens in bright colours. Can you identify where she is losing them? I try to stop into the school and check the lost and found table once a month.
Anon says
Talk to me about screen time during the week and weekends for the 3-6 year old area aka not phones or video games just TV.
I have very high energy and intense 3.5 and 5.5 year Olds. My 5.5 has mellowed quite a bit but I think I want to reduce the screen time that they have. It’s all shows on Netflix Disney etc but they have their own Google tablet that they watch in the kitchen table or next to each other on the couch (without headphones). I just feel like it’s taking away the ability for my 5 year old to listen to Audiobooks or do things that are less entertaining. They get about 3 hours in total on weekends and about 1.5 on weekdays (they’re home by 3 and leave home at 830 am). I just feel like it devolves into loud yelling play or fighting so so so often and I don’t know how to have a calm and relaxed household without screen time for more than 5 mins. Is this normal? Maybe my children just have very difficult temperaments. I’m not sure if the TV helps or makes it worse. I do solo parent a lot and need to do things like make dinner etc without breaking up fights constantly or sitting with them to do activities.
I welcome any thoughts on how to have our evenings be more enjoyable without screen time
Anon says
Lately, I’ve come to think that the TYPE of screentime matters a lot – solo versus together, rapid YouTube videos versus movie, etc. Watching a family movie together results in way different energy levels/attention/etc. compared to each family member getting absorbed in their own devices. Watching TV shows (where there’s always another episode waiting) can also increase that “addicted” factor. Would your kids potentially do better with watching movies together instead?
For non-screen activities, I think your best bet is something outdoors that actually requires focused attention (where the mind can’t wander much) – think rock climbing instead of yoga, rollerblading instead of gathering flowers. Wandering minds are a wonderful thing, but when you’re in the middle of feeling like there’s too much screen time, I find that focused activities work better for “snapping out of it.”
Anon says
+1 to the first paragraph. Watching (and doing) cosmic kids yoga is great for calming screentime for my kid. I also agree on family shows (Legomasters, sports, cooking shows, ninja warriors). I frequently have her video chat with extended family (a virtual babysitter if you will) while I am getting a bit of work done or prepping dinner.
For non-screen evening activities, I have my kid color at the kitchen table, practice spelling her sight words to me (or write them if she is up for it) since she has to write them for school this quarter, play with her barbies, build magnatile towers, color, work on her “letter books” or other (optional!) take home worksheets with minimal supervision, “help” me cook by chopping or stirring or tell her I want to run our robot vacuum and so she has to make sure everything is up so “snowball” won’t eat anything.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We cut out TV during the week (i.e. Mon-Thurs.) and they get about 2-3 hours per weekend day, including a movie night on Sunday. All on the same TV and no tablets (for now). We cut out the weekday TV as my older was having behavior issues at school, and we thought that no TV during the morning might help.
I think someone on here said that rotating activities or stations is helpful to avoid too much melting down or fights. So I wouldn’t expect them to do one activity for 2+ hours (maybe some kids at that age can? Not mine!) But I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect a calm household with two small (or even medium) children. Kids fight. And yell. And yes, it’s annoying. Adding a half hour of TV during your dinner routine seems fine and a benefit for everyone.
Anon says
+1 I have three boys (7, 5, 1) and we also do no screen time Mon-Thurs. I made this choice because 1) having screens as an option definitely limits my kids’ attention span for creative play (and creative play is better for “decompressing” than tv at that age); 2) I wanted to eliminate the “just one more show” battle for half the week, and 3) I was using it as a crutch, letting them gradually watch more and more, not putting in the effort to connect with them as much as I’d like, etc
It is definitely not quiet around my house, but when I stay present and connected and they finally settle into playtime (often after 45+ min of blowing off steam and bickering) it is wonderful to see and worth it.
Also, I hate tablets for kids with every ounce of my being. It makes mine so much whinier, moodier and distant than TV. So when we do relax the rules and allow something for my sanity, it is a group show on the television. My oldest gets a little tablet time for Minecraft on the weekends, but once Santa brings us a family Switch the tablet will be disappearing!
Anonymous says
This – less screen time = more creative play. We do screens (only TV or movies no tablets) but tons of outdoor time and creative play. Lots of baking and self-led crafts. It’s not always peaceful but that’s life.
Anon says
so i struggle with this as well as i often solo parent during weekday evenings, last night both kids were exhausted, and any playing that happened turned into fighting, taking toys, pushing each other’s buttons, etc. and they get physical with each other when they are mad – biting, scratching, etc. i’d love to do something other than screen time and i do try to, ideally something they can play with me in the room, but that they are both playing on their own. but that even often dissolves into an argument over the pink crayon, or they both want to sit on mommy, or they want to play a board game, but both want the same piece, etc. i know everyone suggests going outside, but mine have often just been at the playground and we are currently dealing with a potty training regression, which makes it easier to stay inside. one of my kids will not play in a room on her own (she is scared), and then the other one gets jealous that the first one has a grown up with her
SC says
I only have one child, but I don’t think most 3.5 and 5.5 year olds are going to play peacefully together for more than a few minutes without an adult actively moderating. I would probably keep the screentime during the time you need to cook dinner and can’t intervene every 5 minutes.
What kind of activity do they need when they get home from school/daycare? Time to play outside because they’ve been cooped up all day? Time to play quietly and alone so they can decompress from all the activity of the day? Is it the same for both kids? Start with meeting those needs, and the rest of the afternoon and evening will likely go more smoothly.
Pogo says
Screen time is a tool. I use it to entertain my children so I can get things done while knowing they are safe, and I use it as a way for them to relax, regulate, and calm down. I also use it as a motivating factor for my oldest to do his morning or evening routine without constant nagging. In the past, it did not serve us, or it was creating more issues than solving them, so I cut it out. So don’t feel like you can’t cut it out for a bit and then bring it back – kids change, you change.
Currently at home we only use TV, no tablets. We reserve tablets for trips as the tablet at home results in 1) more fighting about who gets to hold it/chose the show/etc and 2) more drama around ending screen time (desperate grasping at the iPad such that we had to pry it out of his hands… yeah no).
WFH blues says
I just found out that my husband has an extremely rare in-office meeting … on the same day that I’m at a conference. Will I ever have the house to myself again?
Anon says
ha. I feel this. I’ve started going to my husband’s office to get away from him because I’m fully WFH and no longer have an office. (He’s a professor and has a private office so it’s not that weird.)
GCA says
I wish I could escape to my husband’s office! I’ve been fully remote for 6.5 years, and when the pandemic started my company’s tiny Boston team gave up our coworking space membership. Lots of calls so I can’t just escape to the library.
Need space says
Ugh, my sympathies! My husband just took a remote job and I’m outwardly happy for him but inwardly crying.
Anon says
I’m taking the kids out of town soon by myself (if everyone can stay healthy…fingers crossed) and DH has offered to do some extra house projects since he won’t have any childcare duties for a week. I’ve asked him to clean out the pantry which has been on my to-do list forever, and to clean our washing machine which is getting kind of gross. Any suggestions for other things he can do? Hands-on stuff is better, he and I both prefer me to manage the stuff that can be done from a computer (finances, vacation planning, holiday cards… things like that).
Anon says
My aunt recently stayed with us for a bit to help and cleaned out all of the too small clothes and too young toys from kiddo’s bedroom and playroom. She also went through the pantry, fridge and freezer to clear out things that were expired and reorganize.
AwayEmily says
Here is my list of what needs doing in our house (caveat that we do not have regular cleaners so our house may be extra gross)
Deep clean the fridge. Regrout anything that needs regrouting. Hang photos/art that haven’t yet been hung. Paint the kids’ bedroom. Wash the outside of the windows. Powerwash the parts of the house that have gotten gross. Refinish an ugly bookshelf. Organize the linen closet (including buying bins that fit and labeling them). Sort through all the kids’ clothes and donate stuff that we don’t need.
Anonymous says
All sorts of deep cleaning. Fridge, blinds, windows, fans, light fixtures. Wash walls and woodwork. Move furniture and vacuum behind and under it.
Anon. says
My husband replaced the caulk in our master shower this weekend and it’s making me very happy.
Large grocery/Costco type run to restock everything?
avocado says
Screaming into the void. My daughter, a high school junior, finally hit her stride and was having the best year ever, and now she has mono. She is out of sports and dance for at least 4 weeks and will probably lose her solo in the holiday concert. She is worried about getting behind in her classes because they are all based on in-class group work. Can’t this kid ever catch a break?
anonM says
Props to you for being sensitive how this is a Big Deal for a high schooler. My sister missed on sports her senior year due to an injury, and it did really stink for her. While it is good to be positive, it seems at that age acknowledging that it just stinks can go a long way. Hope she makes a full recovery as quickly as one can.
EDAnon says
Poor kiddo. I am sure it is hard, but make sure she does rest. I had a friend that tried to power through mono in high school and got very ill.
Vicky Austin says
Oh, I am so sorry. Based on her HS junior status, I imagine COVID has already messed with her junior high and high school years, and now this. That really does suck.
avocado says
Yep, COVID stole all the fun hoopla of the end of eighth grade, on-line school made ninth grade a living h311, and then bad decisions the school district made as a result of COVID wrecked tenth grade. I keep reminding myself that she is building resilience, but it sure seems like the universe ought to give her a break sooner or later.
anon says
Oh, I am so sorry for your daughter. It’s a big deal! Definitely encourage her to take the time she needs to fully recover. I had it as a healthy 24-year-old, and my stamina was not the same for many months after the initial virus passed.
Also screaming into the void says
I’m posting late but like avocado above, I just need to scream a little. I’m in the third trimester with my second baby. It’s been a march of minor health issues the entire time. I’m in pain and exhausted constantly. But at least nothing has been really health-threatening. Got an ultrasound today on a lump in my armpit that my midwife thought was probably just a cyst or typical pregnancy side effect, and instead of the ultrasound revealing that it’s nothing to worry about, now I need to go back for a biopsy. Cue anxiety spiral.
In the middle of all this, my well-meaning stepmother out of the blue texted me a link to a consultant who claims to help women who want to leave legal careers. I have never once told her that I want to leave my legal career, I actually really like my job, I have been pretty happy with my work-life balance lately, and I enjoy making money at something I’m good at. I’m tired of women (it’s always other women) assuming that I must be suffering or hate my job because I work a lot. It makes me feel like people think I’m a bad mom.
Anon says
Aww. Fingers crossed for good biopsy results. Please keep us updated. I had a scare recently with a lump and people here were very reassuring. Even if it’s the worst case scenario I hope you continue posting so we can give you support.
I know it’s easier said than done but ignore your stepmother. You’re not a bad mom! I am a working mom but I don’t enjoy my job (I pretty much only stay at it because I hate the idea of being financially dependent on my husband) and am envious of every woman who has a career she’s passionate about and good at.
Pogo says
ugh, forget her. I’m sure she means well but timing was brutal – you did not need to hear that.
Fingers crossed for nothing serious on the lump!!