This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
It’s pool season, and that means a new round of water shoes for growing kids.
Every year, I buy these Cat & Jack slip-on water shoes. They come in a rainbow of colors and patterns, are easy to get on and off, and last all summer (and beyond, to another kid). For any dirt or sand, just rinse them off and dry them in the sun. They’re also safer and studier than flip flops, especially for wobbly toddlers.
These water shoes are $12.99 at Target and available in sizes from toddler 5 to kiddie 2. There are 8 colors/patterns to pick from.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
Anon says
Okay, I’ve been drowning. Between work and solo parenting while spouse has been away for work for an extended time, plus get together over COVID and trying to dig out from the backlog of work/house stuff… I have been struggling like so many others.
My mom has been saying ‘I want to help! I want to help!’ And like… normally I know i can have her watch one kid for 2-3 hours once every 2 weeks. Anything more is too much. WELL. She kept saying she wanted to help and… I said, ‘great! Thank you so much. Can you tap in for X and Y gaps in childcare so I can cover this work thing.’ She agreed and I gave her many outs.
Well. I was right and had to hear how I was both a bad mom and asking her for too much. Oh, and spouse sucks for being out of town for work. Okay, fine. I posted for and hired a babysitter.
Now she’s like offended I didn’t ask her? I cannot win.
So Anon says
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you hit the nail on the head: you cannot win. Peace comes in accepting that nothing you do will be right by her. There is actually a measure of freedom in that: do what works for you and know that nothing that you could have done would have made a difference for her. Hire the babysitter. Also, I get it. I’m posting about it below.
Anon says
I agree with this. My husband twists in knots to accommodate his parents. I feel like a jerk but I ignore them and do what I need to do. I haven’t gotten over feeling rude (I was raised to be very polite), but it was futile trying to come up with anything that worked.
No Face says
+1
Esquinkle says
Ok, so what is the trick with these shoes??? I see them recommended often (natives too) and bought two pairs last summer. Both gave my kid massive blisters. Once wearing just while dry, once while wet. I would love to get some use out of them but leery of buying any more. Tips that don’t involve slathering kiddos’ feet with Vaseline or making him suffer through it would be appreciated.
Anonymous says
This is why I prefer old-fashioned water sock or water sneaker styles made of mesh fabric. Or Keens, Tevas, or Chacos.
Anonymous says
We have good luck with Crocs, too.
Anon says
My kid gets blisters from these types of shoes and is fine in Crocs.
SC says
My kid has Natives, and they’ve been great. But we don’t use them for any serious walking or playing. Just as pool shoes, water play shoes, or something to slip on between the car and the house when we can’t get through putting on real shoes.
Anonymous says
I don’t get it either. We couldn’t even get them on my kid’s feet. His feet are kind of wide? But he wears normal sizes.
Boston Legal Eagle says
For those who solo parent a lot or who are single parents, when does it become easier for one parent to watch the kids at night, while also cooking and without screens? Most nights, both of us are home to divide and conquer dinner + the kids (6 and 3.5) but occasionally it’s just one parent and that parent cannot get anything done without the kids going crazy. Is this just my kids? Their ages?
Anonymous says
Can you get the kids to help with dinner? Failing that, can that 30-60 mins be their dedicated screen time?
Clementine says
I solo parent half the time. Currently kids are 2 and 6. Key here is lowered expectations.
I make sure I give them 5 minutes of really focused attention. Like, that is the 5 minutes I am sitting there listening to Pokémon talk. Then i send them to play or away with screens. I do really easy dinners and often offer an appetizer while I’m cooking. Spoiler – it’s usually raw veggies and possibly ranch.
It got easier when I lowered my expectations. I can get basic kitchen routine + one extra thing done between 5-7. It takes longer. You also get better at it.
Anonymous says
This is what high-quality screen time is made for. After giving one-on-one attention as Clementine suggests, what is wrong with letting them watch an episode of Sesame Street or Wild Kratts while you fix dinner?
FVNC says
+1. Ultimately this is where I’ve landed. Husband doesn’t get home until after 7, so I prepare the kids’ dinner and feed them every weeknight. Kids are 8.5 and 5.
Honestly it’s my least favorite task to do solo, but with a decent show for them (lately they’ve been into Hamilton on Disney+ and the new Bear Gryls “choose your own adventure” show) and a podcast for me, the 20-25 min of dinner prep is fine.
Anon says
+1 My kids are 7 and 9, I solo parent most weeks, and this is still my approach. At this age, they have to read to themselves for 15 minutes while I focus on the other kid, then switch. After that, they get “quality” screen time while I assemble a very easy dinner.
I totally consider creative mode in Minecraft to be quality time (essentially Legos but on a screen). I also consider collaborative video games like Lego Marvel to be quality. But also semi-educational shows like Brainchild, Carmen Sandiego, Who Was, Magic School Bus, etc. We all really loved the new BabySitters Club on Netflix, I’m still really sad it was cancelled.
AnonATL says
I solo parent pretty frequently. 2yo either gets excess screen time while I cook, we get takeout, or he “helps” with dinner. Typically “helping” involves chopping up apples with his kiddie knife.
Another option is to feed them something easy for their dinner while you cook yours.
Dinner cleanup waits until bedtime
So Anon says
I started single parenting when by kids were 5 and 8, and they are now 8 and 11. There is no shame and nothing wrong with screen time so you can cook dinner. Really, it is ok to use screens. If you want to go without screens, I have had success in setting up an activity at the kitchen island. The kids do their thing on the island, and I cook dinner. However, it is likely to take longer to cook the dinner because you will need to step away from cooking to help with playdoh, clean the paintbrush, whatever.
Anon says
*cries* I thought it’d get better by 6 and 3.5…
For me, I work reduced hours in part so I can stop working in time to start cooking/prep dinner in an empty house.
I still hate solo parenting.
Anonymous says
I actually find solo parenting much easier and calmer; just hand the kid a tablet and fix an easy dinner. With a spouse around, I have to cook a full meal while being engaged in conversation with him and it’s just so exhausting.
Anonymous says
My kids are 8, 6, and 3, and my husband has no problem cooking while watching all three. To be fair he is a SAHD and has a lot of practice. He also has a pretty high tolerance for noise/chaos. I am home for dinner but we usually eat right after I am home. It helps to set up an activity that at least the younger two can do, like building a fort, playing with the dollhouse, drawing, or building with blocks. The older two have a lot more options, legos or playing a board game, and the 8 year old can read. Some of these options can get messy. We avoid screentime during the week (Monday-Thursday) because my 8 year old has ADHD and it negatively affects his behavior at school.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi – DH travels a good bit so I do a good chunk of solo parenting. Barring something quick like quesadillas, I don’t cook in the evenings – I usually prep things in advance (e.g. I’ll make a big batch of something once kids are in bed) and then reheat on the stove or microwave.
My youngest isn’t into screens, yet unfortunately – so it’s more likely they play in the living room while I get dinner on plates, or DS #1 watches something while DS #2 plays near me. We all eat (I usually finish first), and I straighten up what I can in the kitchen (e.g. put things back in fridge, stack plates in sink, etc.) while they finish. All other clean up waits until after bedtime.
Allie says
We try, if at all possible, to only solo parent microwaving leftovers, microwaving frozen food, or eating delivery pizza.
Anon says
Maybe I’m just lazy but this is how we do it too.
Anon says
I only have 1 (almost 5), but she is spirited in every sense of the word. I take a couple of approaches.
First, if she can at all help with food prep, I put an apron on her and have her help. Some kid safe nylon knives and she can butcher the vegetables all she wants (I have never seen such a rough mince, but pretty is not the goal). She picks cilantro leaves off stems, grates cheese with a rotary grater (too worried about skinned knuckles on a box or microplane). Loves to pour and stir and mix (excellent for crema, sauces or dressings). She will increasingly also help with things like stirring on the stove (with very close supervision). Does it take longer to cook with her “help”, yes, but no one’s crying or going crazy so it is a trade-off I am willing to make. Plus I dream that maybe one day she will have fond memories of cooking with her mom (that I most definitely did not have with my mom).
Second, I try to have her do kitchen-centric chores so I can keep an eye on her and assist if necessary. I will have her unload the dishwasher while I am cooking, especially sorting the silverware and putting away plates with her step stool (she leaves glasses and sharp things for me). Sometimes I will have her set the table as I am finishing up too. This way, she stays busy and is still in my line of sight.
Third, I use screens. If you don’t want to do a show because it’s too stimulating or doesn’t mesh with your house rules or whatever, how do you feel about video chat? For my kid it is like a virtual babysitter. I will have her call her grandparents, great aunt or aunts and they are happy to chat with her. They will call out to me if she is getting into something she isn’t supposed to, so I can keep less of an eye on her. Sometimes they even play games, e.g., DD will roll dice for them or pick a card or move their piece, etc., or they play “guess what animal I am” etc.
Anon says
Yeah, I’m not sure I see the problem with using screens for 30 minutes evening to prep a quick dinner. Solo parenting is not a frequent occurrence for us, so I pretty much exclusively rely on takeout and frozen meals, but if it were a more regular thing I wouldn’t hesitate to use screens while making dinner. I have one 4 year old.
Anon says
Screens are perfect for this. But if you don’t want to do that, podcasts sometimes do the trick
Anonymous says
Or audiobooks.
Anon says
Or audiobooks + coloring. It seems to stretch both activities out longer than they will tolerate just one.
Redux says
My kids will audiobook + table activity (coloring for one, legos for the other) for HOURS.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is very helpful, thank you everyone! I’ve posted about our nights before and I probably have unrealistic expectations that my kids will just their own thing quietly as they get older, but the ages for that are probably more like 16 and 13, not 6 and 3. We generally don’t do screentime during the week, but that is made possible by one parent generally being available with them, so we should consider different rules for solo parenting nights.
Anonymous says
My kids are those ages and I feel you.
Anon says
I’m almost always solo on weeknights for dinner. I use the 30-45 minutes before dinner as our designated screentime for the day because it’s nearly impossible to make a meal while entertaining both kids (mine are 4 and 2). My 2-year old doesn’t care much for screens yet, so he’s usually still running around causing a ruckus, but at least my 4 year old is mellow and contained. She also recently dropped her nap and is usually starting to wear out by the evening anyway, so it’s a nice quiet rest time for her. I also still do easy dinners because my 2 year old is still very much on my hands during that time. One day I’ll be able to make nice meals again, but this is not that season of life for me and I try not to stress too much about it.
EDAnon says
My childcare is closed for it’s sixth 10-day closure this calendar year. We live in a super Covid cautious community. I am Covid cautious but LOSING MY MIND. We are running into the issue that K-12 schools faced: if you keep closing (or not opening) people with the means to do so will stop attending. I love my kids high-quality childcare! I want it to exist. But I also love my job and don’t want to get fired.
Does anyone live somewhere that’s doing something between “no Covid here!” (which wouldn’t fly here) and 10-day closure every time?i want to make helpful suggestions about alternative approaches.
Anon says
Ugh! Our daycare is pretty Covid cautious (masks still required) but has done away with quarantines based on local health department guidance. We’ve only had two exposures this calendar year though. I think unfortunately it probably depends a lot on your local regulations. If your local health dept is telling them they have to close aftetr every exposure, their hands are probably tied. I know many places do test-to-stay, but when I asked our director about that in January (after having essentially no daycare since Thanksgiving) they told me that it wasn’t an option because it wasn’t allowed by our county health department.
anon says
I’m sorry, this is so frustrating. To me, so many closures is worse for children and families than keeping programs open with additional precautions.
I’d start with finding out if this is the daycare’s choice or mandated (and by whom).
Also, will the rules change for vaccinated kids (assuming under 5s can start being vaccinated in a few weeks)?
I live in a super Covid cautious area and daycares had to exclude kids who hadn’t had Covid in the past 3 months or weren’t vaccinated after every exposure until the public health department relaxed rules a few months ago.
Test to stay and ramping up precautions (masking, outside time, ventilation) are great options after an exposure.
Anon says
What?! I’m in a covid-cautious area and we haven’t had 10-day closures since 2020. At this point we’re just getting notifications of positive cases within the same class; some parents chose to keep their kids home for the next week and test daily, but most of us don’t. Of course I test her is she shows symptoms, but with her perpetual daycare runny nose it’s really only if she has a fever or cough. No positives yet.
I love my kid’s daycare – we’ve been clients since 2014 – but I would have moved centers after the second or third 10-day closure in a post-high rates of vaccination, post-effective treatment Covid world.
EDAnon says
Out of curiosity, what state are you in?
Anon says
Twin cities, Minnesota
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our daycare moved to test and stay earlier this year and it’s been great. We’ve had multiple exposures but so far no positive tests so our preschooler was able to stay. 10 day quarantines after an exposure are just insane. Especially when little kids will almost always get a mild case. But I agree that this will also depend on your local health guidelines – I had hoped most had moved to test and stay for childcare by now!
Pogo says
+1 we’re at test and stay, also Boston area suburbs.
FVNC says
This sounds so challenging! I’d be incredibly frustrated, but also terrified of my center closing; it’s a real problem around here.
I live in a covid-cautious community and my younger one attends a daycare affiliated with a hospital. They’ve recently REALLY loosened the rules, though this may apply only to the “older kids'” building (3 and up), because they can all mask decently. Here are our center’s rules:
COVID Positive: isolate at home for 5 days; call and report to center manager; return only if:
• Symptoms have improved or asymptomatic, AND
• 24hr fever free without fever-reducing medications
• Negative antigen test AND
• Wear a mask through day 10 (as age appropriate)
Child can return on Day 11 if you can’t meet all the above requirements, child can return on day 11.
For covid exposures, monitor for symptoms, mask, test days 3-5. No quarantine or exclusion from class required.
I think our center’s changes were a combo of health dept regs changing, and pressure from the hospital that was like, uh, we need our docs and nurses to be able to come to work.
FVNC says
To clarify, we have had positive cases in my son’s class and in the connecting class that they intermingle with. But under the new rules, an exposure does not shut down the class so only the kids who are covid positive have to stay home. It’s been a godsend.
EDAnon says
That’s great! Ours is affiliated with a hospital too so that’s helpful. Are you in NC?
Anonymous says
We’re in a city outside Seattle.
FVNC says
Whoops, that was me above.
Anon says
Why are they 10 day quarantines? Even in our covid-cautious community, all close contacts can get a PCR test on day 5 and return. It shouldn’t take 10 days. And with weekends, many of those 5 day closures should only be 3 school days if they fall over a weekend.
Anon says
There was a group of dads that put in a kicka** ventilation system in their kids school. It is a big infrastructure improvement, but long term it would be the best investment for the center to add fresh air ventilation, a ridiculous number of ACH through HEPA filters, and possibly some UV sanitation as well. Covid isn’t going away so eventually we’re going to need to upgrade our air infrastructure as much as we changed our water infrastructure after we got tired of cholera outbreaks and the like. Your center could get ahead of the curve on this.
It also seems weird at this point not to have test your stay.
Anonanonanon says
I’m very covid cautious, and my daughter’s preschool does “test to stay” like K-12 schools and I’m very happy with that approach. We haven’t had any outbreaks, just one-off cases, and they have never closed. It looks like a few other commenters mentions test to stay, so maybe that’s a good proposal to take to yours?
Anon. says
Our county health department (which daycare follows) currently requires 5 day exclusion and rapid test to return if not vaccinated. It’s still more conservative than many areas, but we were still doing 14 day exclusion back in January, so I’m trying to look at the bright side.
We just finished a back to back run where we were excluded for 5 days, everyone tested negative to go back and a new case popped up one day later and everyone got excluded for a fresh 5 days. It is miserable.
Cornellian says
My daycare/preschool recently went from a very conservative take to masks for 3 and up, no quarantine in masked classrooms, and 5 days test to stay quarantine for the younger ones (or ten if you don’t test). I think the test to stay option shouldn’t be a huge ask.
There were lots of strong opinions raised, and I mostly stayed out of it because my kid turned five and has been vaccinated, and I think other people have more vulnerable dogs in the fight.
Anon says
Yes this is what ours is now, but it’s 7 days if you are too young to mask
Anon says
Ugh, that’s a lot. Our public school also does 10-day closures, but at least we’ve only had 2 since January (and it’s not the 14-day closures they were doing in fall 2021….).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Just a vent. We’ve had some small but annoying GI bug being passed around our household, or we just all have had some minor GI issues. I had it for 2-3 days 2 weeks ago, DH has it now. I made sure I rested, followed a strict BRAT diet, hydrated, and then felt better.
DH like, isn’t doing any of that, not solely eating BRAT-foods (and I’ve offered to help how I can), and of course is so fatigued because this thing has now been going on for 5 days. I feel for him but I’m also like – DO THE THING THAT HELPS!!! Eating mac-and-cheese and drinking your regular coffee is NOT going to help with a GI issue.
Anonymous says
My husband is this way. He complains that he has a headache but will not take Advil.
startup lawyer says
this is a man thing. I get so annoyed when my husband gets sick. Whine and groan but won’t do the thing that would help them.
Anonymous says
My husband whines and groans when he is sick, but he refuses to slow down and rest so he frequently ends up literally passing out. It is ridiculous.
Pogo says
It’s taken YEARS for my husband to stop complaining about being tired and instead – gasp – go to bed early.
SC says
Last time my kid had a GI thing, it seemed like it was taking a long time for him to recover–like, still feeling lethargic and had no appetite 2-3 days after he last threw up and his fever passed. We took him to the pediatrician on Day 5, and the pediatrician told us that the BRAT diet is no longer recommended and to let Kiddo eat literally anything he wanted, including mac and cheese and ice cream.
Fluids are important, of course. But my caffeine addiction is so strong that I’d get a migraine if I didn’t have at least one in the morning. I drink cold brew or espresso, which are both less acidic and easier on the stomach than regular brew coffee, so you could suggest that.
Anonymous says
We heard the opposite about the BRAT diet from our pediatrician just a few weeks ago. We got a lot of grief for giving kiddo ice cream even though it was all she would eat.
Anon says
I’m always ravenous after a stomach flu and have never stuck to BRAT foods. My grandfather was an MD and his advice was “eat what sounds good to you right now” which for me often involves chocolate and fried foods. I’ve never had any problems.
EDAnon says
I eat Taco Bell bean burritos and it works for me.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Right, AFTER it passes, I get it, but while you’re queasy and need to use the restroom often? Just curious, btw.
Anon says
After it passes, but stomach bugs normally are a 24 hour thing for me at most. Usually more like 6-12 hours. I just puke a bunch and then I’m fine. Having a stomach flu for 5 days would be extremely weird for me and I would have already seen a doctor to rule out a parasite or a different kind of virus.
Anonymous says
Some people just take longer to bounce back from a GI illness. My doctor advises eating yogurt (the Y in BRATY) and I find that it speeds up the recovery.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yup, since I was a kid, our Indian at-home remedy is rice + plain yogurt.
Anon says
I do take probiotics (regularly not just when I’m sick) so that probably has the same effect as yogurt.
Anonanonanon says
My husband has COVID so he is exiled to the main bedroom suite and honestly it’s delightful compared to dealing with a husband dramatically languishing around and martyring himself but refusing to just go to bed, which is 100x less annoying.
Anonymous says
Yes. When they are sick I wish they would just go away and be sick instead of getting in everyone else’s way.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yup, I am gleeful about packing the kids up and doing a park + swim class morning to “let him rest” tomorrow AM.
Anon says
Not to be this person– but have you tested for Covid? DS and I’s symptoms were primarily GI. We actually didn’t think to test at the time because they were so mild. Then we found out that all of the kids at daycare who had Covid at the same time we were sick had primarily GI symptoms.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
No, but DS #1 and I had Omnicron in January so I’m not super concerned about COVID. May suggest that DH rapid tests.
Anon says
You can definitely get it again just a few months later, especially with the BA2 variant. My SIL and BIL had Omicron in January and then again in April. They were very symptomatic and had known exposures both times, so seems unlikely to be false positives. Fwiw, their symptoms were similar/worse the second time they had it.
Anon says
Yeah, it could definitely be COVID. There are new variants of Omicron (BA2, BA4, and BA5), and your January Omicron infection is very unlikely to protect against any of them. They really should give these new names at this point, because people don’t seem to realize that they can easily get reinfected with them. A past Omicron infection is almost meaningless.
Anotheranon says
What do your babies wear to play outside when it’s super hot? My 14 month old usually wears bubbles but now she has massive bug bites from playing in the yard yesterday. Should I be putting her in pants? Just not worry about the bites? They don’t really seem to bother her but it looks uncomfortable.
Lily says
If I know she’ll be crawling around outside on the ground/grass, I always do leggings and a short-sleeve onesie on my not-walking 13 month old. They shouldn’t be outside so long that they get overheated anyway, so I figure better for her to have the coverage on her legs (less worried about bug bites in the city and more about scrapes). It also means a bit less sunscreen needed.
Anon says
We back to woods and have neighborhood deer, so TBH ticks worry me far more than mosquitos (although west nile is a problem too, so it’s low level anxiety all around). So, my kid wears shorts and sandals, but she gets a good spray of at least 20% DEET before any outside play time in the yard.
The benadryl itch relief stick works wonders on kiddo’s mosquito bites when she does get them.
An.On. says
How old is your kid? We have a similar set up but I don’t want to DEET a baby.
Anon says
She’s almost 5 now, but pediatrican signed off on it at 6 months. Realistically it probably wasn’t until she was walking reliably and able to wander off the patio on her own that we made a concerted effort to spray her, so probably around 15 months or so. I was less diligent about it until kiddo got a tick at 3 that I originally thought it was a freckle so I missed it until it was obviously not and now I am hyper focused, spray her every time, check her for ticks (and suspicious freckles) nightly at bathtime, etc.
Pogo says
You are not paranoid! Always check every freckle! Our then 3yo got Lyme last year. 0/10 do not recommend and we found and removed tick within 24h, began antibiotics within 36h (aka best case scenario). Still a nightmare.
Anonymous says
Without deet my baby would never have been outside in the suburban dc area. I couldn’t walk outside from the house to the car without getting at least 5 bites (any time of day, through clothes).
Anon says
Bug spray and/or if you are in a hot climate i did a lot of water friendly (marketed as bathing suits) pants and top
So Anon says
I had a heartbreaking flash of clarity last night, and I need to process it here. I’ve written before that my mom can be self-centered and lack empathy or understanding for what others are going through in their lives. My choices are right only if they are exactly what she would have done in the situation, and if I mirror back to her exactly what she is feeling.
I spent Sunday afternoon with her over Memorial Day and spent much of the time with my jaw clenched. She wanted my kids and I to spend all weekend with her, so I compromised with a half day on Sunday and she attended the local parade with my kids and me on Monday. When I ask my mom about her volunteer activities, I get a diatribe about how the leaders of the organizations are not doing enough, don’t respond quickly enough to her ideas or emails, and how she refuses to do more than she already is. She quit volunteering at the local food bank because she disagreed with how they were handing out pasta.
Anyway, she renewed her nursing license to help out with covid vaccines. When the boosters were approved for my kids’ age group, she texted me at 8am, 11am and called at 3pm to ask when I was going to sign up my kids so that she could be at the clinic that day. My kids had their booster appointments yesterday evening. We show up and I complete the paperwork. I hold both kids hands as we walk over to get the boosters, and my mom is with us. My oldest sat down, and my mom looked at me and told me to take my youngest (8) away while my son got his booster. I took a step back to give the nurse space to get to my son. My mom then looked at me and said, “No, walk over there with [daughter.]” I asked why. My mom said, “Well, because of [daughter’s] reaction last time.” I looked at my daughter who shrugged and said, “I’m fine here.” So I said, no we are ok. My mom gave me a withering look, and said, “fine” in a tone that I know from growing up was anything but fine. After the appointment, my daughter asked what happened. She said that she was fine with both of her first covid vaccines and didn’t understand why her grandmother told her to leave. I agreed, and said that her grandmother was wrong to say that, and that she has done great with all of her vaccines, and that even if she had cried or anything else, she gets to decide how these things happen.
The way my mom treated my daughter, and me, brought back so many memories of similar experiences. I could see the confusion and upset on my daughter’s face. (To be clear, my daughter handles vaccines like a champ and was great.) My son is definitely my mom’s favorite grandchild and my daughter knows it, even if she can’t articulate it. My older sister was, and is, the golden child, and I am the scape goat. I’ve been in therapy for years to unwind this stuff, and this recent small interaction makes me want to protect my children even more. I think I’m ready to take a bigger step back from my relationship with my mom – now for the protection of my children.
Anonymous says
I would not have told her when the appointments were.
Anonymous says
You’ve posted here about your mom before, right? Or maybe there are just a lot of people stuck in the same toxic relationship. Sorry. It sucks. My mom has never met my 2.5 yo. It’s hard, and it used to tear me up a lot (less, now) but it turns out, wow, my life is so much better with her barely in it. I said I was doing it for my kid, and I was because I definitely don’t want her treating him the way she treats me, but now that the distance is in place…yeah. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m sorry. From everything you’ve written here over the years, it does sound like your mom is a negative influence in your life. Agree that you should try stepping back from the relationship with her, as in only see her every few months, for brief periods of time. Easier said than done and she will most likely try to guilt trip you, but this is not a healthy relationship. Pitting one child against another is just so heartbreaking.
Anonymous says
Honestly I think you’re not getting it at all. Like you constantly post about the same issues and yet you keep doing the same things. There was no reason to tell grandma about this appointment or bring her or do two things with her.
It’s not about who is the golden child it’s very simply about independence and boundaries.
Anon says
Yeah, I kind of agree with this. You as the adult and parent have the ability AND the responsibility to set and enforce boundaries here for your sake and for the sake of your own kids. You didn’t have either that ability or responsibility when you were a kid and the way your mother treated you was wrong. But now it’s up to you to protect your own kids.
Anon says
Yeah this is harshly worded, but I have to agree. You keep saying you’re ready for firmer boundaries, but don’t seem to be really changing your approach to boundaries with her.
Anonymous says
I know you’ve posted before. I would take 5 giant steps back from her.
My own mother moved into my town (across state lines!) without telling me, took a job working at my kids’ school (we have 5 elem schools in town but guess which one she decided to sub at? And guess whose kids have grandma as a sub now??!) and now babysits for friends and neighbors of mine (jobs she got with no involvement or encouragement from me. I asked her to sit for families one town over so it wouldn’t be weird). It is way, way too much in my personal space and I’ve had to tell her on many occasions. She doesn’t listen, so unfortunately it means she lives 1 mile away and I rarely see her because she is otherwise so far up in my business I need an enema.
The only answer here is distance and space. In your specific situation I would have just gotten the kids their shots and told your mom after (if at all).
Redux says
Oh wow, that is extreme. Enema indeed.
Anne-on says
I’m so sorry this happened. I’m in a similar situation (scapegoat, brother and his kids are the favored grandchildren) and I’ve cut contact in the past for narcisstic rage incidents after I set a totally reasonable limit, or did something she didn’t agree with. We now have a surface level relationship (weekly calls, cards/presents sent for bdays and holidays) and we get together for major events. BUT she knows, and my family all knows that we and my kid come first and I do not give a flying fig about ‘not hurting grandmas feelings’ if she is in the wrong. Your job as a parent is to protect your kids first, not bow to your mom’s demands or wishes.
I also did a lot of work with a therapist to first recognize and ID that my mom is a narc, that I don’t ‘owe’ her for having me, and that I was allowed to set my own limits. Frankly, learning to treat her like an angry toddler was pretty empowering in giving my family back control. It also didn’t take much for her to learn I was serious – and if your mom is anything like most narcs she will avoid a public scene at all costs. So most, if not all, of our interactions are in public or with other people, we calways have our own vehicle so we can leave if there is bad behavior, and I don’t react (grey rock) if she is yelling/nasty. It helps to have a script too – ‘mom I’ve told you we’re not going to discuss X. Ok, well it sounds like you can’t let that topic go so we’re going to leave/hang up/talk to other person in the room.’ or ‘No, we’re not doing thing you suggested. My decision isn’t up for debate, so how’s that book/movie/tv show? I’m not discussing this again, why don’t we talk about something else? Ok, well it sounds like you can’t let that topic go so we’re going to leave/hang up/talk to other person in the room, goodbye.
Anonanonanon says
My husband was a master at dealing with his toxic mom before he went no contact. I could never, but he had the (very healthy or deranged, unclear) ability to always respond neutrally and feel zero guilt when he knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong. For example, he would have said “We’ve already made their appointments, but thanks.” “We’re going to keep the ones we have, but thanks.” “Nope, we can’t change them.” and then just not responded to his mother when she went off on him because he was secure in the knowledge that not telling your mom when your kid is getting a vaccine is totally normal and fine.
Also I need more details on how the food pantry was incorrectly handing out pasta
Redux says
Same, re: pasta. I must know.
No Face says
I’m glad you are processing and ready to step farther away. I am no contact with a parent and it is such a relief, but it took me years to get there.
DLC says
Another how do you do it question-
How do you find time to plan and talk about important things with your partner? I feel like by the time the kids are finally in bed in the evenings we are both to tapped to discuss anything civilly and coherently. Mornings don’t work because he’s out of the house by 6:45am. Weekends we are seldom together since we tag team being on kid duty so we can each catch up on chores and have some adult down time. So we never find the time to do joint life admin stuff and vacations don’t get planned, taxes barely get filed on time, home projects are on the back burner forever, our will is not updated since having two more kids, we still haven’t decided where to send our five year old for Kindergarten next year, not to mention all the financial things…
We do divide and conquer a little, but some things I just want to be more collaborative on and I would like to tackle important things before it becomes urgent and we are missing deadlines. And that list of important but not quite urgent is long and looming.
Thoughts and strategies?
Anon says
This isn’t really an answer to your question but I pretty much just do all this stuff by myself. It’s not a secret and DH knows I’ll discuss it if he wants, but he prefers I just do it and tell him the results. He does more day to day chores (including essentially all the cooking) so the overall balance feels ok.
EDAnon says
We split it but we have to trust each other on stuff. If we do get in a situation we really need to discuss, we end up doing it at night which is never the best, but gets it done.
We try to spend Saturday evenings together without the kids which doesn’t always happen, but does sometimes. We do a ton of time together as a family which gives us moments here and there for small stuff.
Lily says
You guys aren’t seeing each other enough period, let alone to discuss logistics. Can you swing lunch dates during the week, even if by zoom? Can you hire some help on weekends to take kids to activities?
DLC says
I think your first sentence is very true. It’s been complicated by the fact that I often have to work Saturdays and evenings so I feel like Sunday I need to give him time to himself since he has been solo parenting all week. The Zoom lunch date is a good possibility!
Redux says
Ugh, I hate this, but I agree. Maybe my kids are still at magical ages (8 and 5) where they still go to bed early and we have more control over their schedules, but tag teaming on the weekends so you’re never together seems like the problem. I am absolutely on team each-parent-needs-alone-time, but also you need team time, too. Can you reduce the amount of weekend obligations you have? Is it really all day both days that one of you is with the kids and the other is doing chores/alone time?
anonamama says
I can identify with this, too. General exhaustion and then wanting to use the evening quiet to feel like myself again.. yes. While so much is still on the back burner, two things that get us some time to talk are phone calls while driving to/from work/pickup; and the other is- when needed – lights out, no phones out discussion in our room where we say, ok, for 20-30 minutes we’re going to talk about this and then when we are done have ice cream, a drink, watch a movie, etc. It’s not perfect but gets us some time!
Anon says
This will depend on your situation but if we get a backlog of stuff like that to discuss we schedule a time during the work day to discuss. We’re both at home now, but pre WFH we would have done it over the phone from our respective offices.
Works for us as we’re both “on” and can have our computers and calendars in front of us to help make decisions.
Obviously this isn’t great for anything overly emotional.
Pogo says
+1 to during the day or scheduling a call. It is so unromantic but it is the only way to accomplish things. Otherwise we send links back and forth if it’s about a purchase, and one person is the key buyer and the other person is just providing input.
I absolutely cannot talk about anything of consequence outside of working hours, my brain is fried. DH once tried to talk about rebalancing investments at like 9pm and I was a HARD PASS on that.
DLC says
OMG – yes, it’s the “rebalancing investments” type conversations that we never get to. The weekly/monthly logistics and task assigning we are pretty good about sorting out over text… it’s the bigger life thing that aren’t getting done.
Anonymous says
For these we have to schedule time during the workday, or even take a whole day off together.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We try to do this during date nights when we have a sitter or my parents watch the kids. It’s not always fun to talk about admin things on a date, but it does help us reconnect. We also work from home together most of the week, which helps with middle of the day chats. Does your husband go in all week? Can you google chat/message each other during the day? We do divide and conquer a lot of the tasks though – I handle taxes and most of the vacation planning and booking (although we do discuss ahead of time where we want to go). We try to split kid paperwork more or less equally. For home projects, we’ve got a google docs spreadsheet with our vendors, and yearly upkeep items. Husband handles most of the contacts there, but I do the occasional handyperson/repairperson call. We’re big on lists and writing things down in general – we keep running lists of things to do for the summer, for upkeep and share a google calendar. It still feels hectic and not always as on time as I’d like but I think that’s the reality of little kids + busy jobs + house.
Anon says
One of the benefits of WFH is that we are able to have a lunch date at least once a week, and we use that for a lot of life admin stuff. In the before times, we had a babysitter who would pick up the kids from daycare/aftercare once a week and feed them dinner. We would meet after work at a restaurant for drinks and dinner, and go through everything then, before we got too exhausted from the dinner rush.
As the kids get older, this weekly life admin touchpoint is getting more important and quite honestly we could probably stand to make it twice a week. But instead we’ve recently started turning Sunday evenings into our second touchpoint and including the kids. Now we talk through our calendar for the week and try to prep what we can – “Oh DD has a soccer game Wed night, let’s run a laundry load together now so your jersey is ready.” or “DS has a birthday party Friday night. I can run to Target to grab a gift over lunch, if you can be home in time to take him there. DS, can you draw a card now so we don’t forget?”
anon says
Yes, completely agree that the logistics actually get more complicated as kids get older and have their own schedules beyond school/daycare.
DLC says
Oh the after work might also be a good time slot. The younger kids are still in daycare and the oldest can get off the bus and stay home by herself so conceivably we could go have happy hour from 4-5:30p or so.
I love how you also involve your kids.
Lilibet says
Yeah, DH leaves early (7AM), comes home late (630PM), and his work place isn’t conducive to workday chats. By the time kids go to sleep and we clean up dinner, we are done! We’ve tried two things with relative success but you have to stick to it/have accountability 1) picking one night once a month to make cocktails and go through life admin decisions after the kids go to bed. Drinks make it more festive and sometimes we meet up for early Friday happy hour if we can take the time off work. 2) Getting a babysitter for one weekend morning/afternoon per month and knocking out a project that requires concentration that is impossible with two small children.
Anonymous says
Most of this stuff can be delegated to one partner or the other and not much collaboration is necessary. In our family, I handle the planning and administrative stuff. I do the taxes because there is nothing discretionary about it. I get quotes and hire the plumber. After we decide on a vacation destination and time frame, I do the planning. I research schools and then we discuss the options together. I make appointments with and provide background documents to the attorney and financial planner, then we attend the meetings and discuss preferences and goals together. On the other side, my husband doesn’t consult me about when and how to mow the lawn or vacuum or do the laundry.
Anonymous says
Why are chores more important than your marriage?
SC says
We make lunch dates during the week or schedule a babysitter during the day on the weekend. Also, screen time for Kiddo. I said on yesterday’s screen time thread that we don’t enforce the screen time limits well, and we definitely let it go when we’re in the middle of a project that Kiddo can’t really participate in.
For a lot of projects, we have some collaboration and some divide-and-conquer. For vacation, we’ll decide together where we’re going, what we want to do while we’re there, what type of place we want to stay in, etc. Then one of us will handle certain tasks (like, airfare, hotel, rental car, etc.) and the other will handle other tasks (like, reservations for dining and entertainment). For taxes, we each handle certain items ourselves, then we work together to go through the accountant’s checklist and organize all our documents.
anon says
We set aside time on the weekend to plan the week ahead and talk about logistics. Usually during those conversations, we end up circling to more long-term planning. Bottom line is, you have to do something different and invest real time in it. I get the tag team of approach of parenting and needing alone time, but you’re literally putting everything else before these bigger discussions. I also would suggest dividing and conquering even on the stuff that should be collaborative. You’re the point person on researching schools. He’s the point person on taxes. Or whatever works for you. You can still make the decisions together, but somebody needs to be in charge of execution.
One thing that DH is really good at is emailing me with a couple of proposed plans for, say, vacations. It gives me a heads up and I can think about it, because I’m not always great at responding on the spot. Then we can discuss in person and get to a solution much faster than if we were coming into the conversation cold.
DLC says
Yes, I think you’re right. I think we are so focussed on what seems immediate that we don’t make time for the bigger stuff. It’s definitely that urgent vs important issue.
Also we are terrible at making decisions so we need a lot of back and forth before execution. Like the five year old is currently enrolled in two schools for next year because we couldn’t decide, so I said we’ll just put him on the list for both options and that buys us time to sit and think through the choices. But we haven’t had time (made time, I guess) to sit and think through choices.
(It also took us a month to name our first and third kids, so…. clearly this indecision has been ongoing)
Anonymous says
Wow maybe therapy? This is really extreme.
Spirograph says
We have a recurring “wine and finances night” on our google calendars once a month to do household logistics (not just finances) and talk big picture. We talk while cooking and cleaning up dinner, although it is usually constantly being interrupted by kids passing through, so those are more “hey remember we’re doing the thing this Friday” or “we have to pick up a birthday present for Susie’s party this weekend, can you swing by Target when you pick up the kids tomorrow?” type things.
I am big on physical calendars– we have a regular monthly one on the wall in the kitchen to keep on top of longer range plans, and a weekly magnetic one on the fridge where I transfer everything for the upcoming week including the meal plan so it’s right in our faces. Having all of that visible keeps us from forgetting things and frees up mental space to have big conversations because the day-to-day stuff is managed.
I also have my own planner in my purse. I usually track 2-5 weekly deliverables for myself or to remind my husband of. Ones with known deadlines I put in well in advance so I see them as soon as I flip the page for the week, and things that aren’t time sensitive are in a list in the note pages as a backlog, and I pull them in on light weeks, Agile-style. Project management skills may help my home life more than my work life…
Redux says
I just don’t want you to miss the opportunity to call your night “winances”. I mean it’s right there.
Spirograph says
hahaha, thank you, I’ll propose this name change!
Anonymous says
We let our kids have a big chunk of Saturday morning cartoons and use that time to exercise, plan, have coffee, etc.
Spirograph says
hm, I have a longer comment in mod, but physical calendars in high-visibility places are key to us staying organized about life admin. We save in-depth conversations for after the kids are in bed, and they’re planned in advance. I don’t like being blindsided by my husband all of a sudden wanting to talk life plans, but if I know we’re going to strategize next Wednesday, I’ll be mentally ready.
DLC says
Such good thoughts. Particularly about freeing up mental space for the big topics/decisions.
Yeah, I think you (and other commenters) are right that we just need to get better at planning to plan. Back when we were first married we would have monthly “financial summits” but between kids and me working evenings and Saturdays we haven’t done one in a while.
Anon says
We tend to call each other either during our commute or during weekend kid activities.
I’m happy to talk logistics while I wait for my daughter to finish her swim lessons and he waits for our other daughter at gymnastics.
We also often talk while driving to or from work (hands free).
This gets the chores done while multi tasking so our other together time can be better spent.
Anon says
While this is maybe not…romantic, my husband and I go out to dinner maybe twice a month and I come prepared with an agenda. I also send him emails. I struggle with this!
Anonymous says
Help me decide? My 5 year old has the option to continue his kindergarten year at the private preschool he’s attended since he was 18 months, or start public kindergarten in the fall. His 15 month old brothers will attend preschool, so a plus would be one drop off. Also it’s very affordable. On the other hand, public kindergarten is 1/4 mile from our house, rated very good, and free. He will attend this same school for 1-4 grade, unless by some miracle we move (we’re not planning to). Hours for preschool and public k are the same. I feel a little silly for spending money to send him to private preschool when we have a free option but honestly I’m a little emotional about my oldest starting “real school” and Uvalde didn’t help. If I were advising a friend I’d say “of course put him in public school: it will be great!” so I don’t know why I’m having a hard time with it.
Anonymous says
Is there time to visit classrooms while school is still in session? For me it would come down to the structure of the day and the curriculum. Tons of worksheets, lots of transition time lining up etc., red/yellow/green behavior management plans, and naptime would be negatives in my book. Outdoor time, differentiated instruction, and lots of hands-on art and science activities would be pluses. Our daughter attended private K at a chain preschool because she missed the birth date cutoff for public school, and that particular program was actually much more rigid and worksheet-based than our public school’s. She hated it, but it punched her ticket for first grade the following year.
Anon says
+1 If it was play-based K, I’d probably be inclined to continue in the private school. But a lot of preschools that offer K seem to be very worksheet-based and that would be a dealbreaker for me.
If your public schools didn’t open for a long time during Covid and/or didn’t take good precautions, that would be a factor for me as well, since we never know what will happen in the future with Covid.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Given all the factors you mentioned, I’d base the decision on what he’s ready for. And I hear you on Uvalde being a factor, too.
We had a similar calculus as we got a spot in the PreK4 lottery for public school. In our case, since we’d have a tuition-based PreK4 spot (free spots for PreK are needs-based in our district), the dollar/time amount between Public/Private (factoring in aftercare, camps, and differing drop offs) was enough for us to keep our dudes together in private for one more year. I also felt like another year in PreK/Transitional K would benefit DS #1 with reading and writing skills before we make the switch to one of our neighborhood elementaries (we have a solid one we’re zoned to, but can also lottery in to some other ones) for K.
Anon says
I think one thing to consider is the social bonding that can happen in K. Definitely not the only thing to make a decision on, and people move in later grades all the time and it is usually fine.
But it’s hard to deny that some friendships start to form in Kindergarten, both for your kid and honestly even for the parents, because it’s the year everyone is new and at least at our school eager to do all the things. If you have an option to be part of this from the get go, I would personally consider that a worthwhile thing to take into account.
(But I am also a huge fan of one drop off!!).
Anon says
Agree with the social aspect. In addition to kids bonding, parents also form bonds in K that carry through. It’s nice to be included from the get go.
Anon says
Not OP, but does this apply if the school is huge? Our school has 10 classes per grade level so most kids will be separated from all their K friends in first grade.
Anonymous says
We have 6 classes per grade level and classes are not allowed to interact during lunch or recess, so kids do get separated from the previous year’s friends. But some extracurriculars (e.g., scout troops) are grouped by school, and those groups tend to remain consistent from year to year.
Spirograph says
Interesting, this was not my experience with parents in K. It was more drop-off birthday parties, less inviting of the entire class to parties, and fewer playdates. I became friendly with a couple of my kid’s friend’s parents, and there were a couple more I knew by sight enough to chitchat at the school festival or when I saw them around the neighborhood, but there was no chummy group where we all knew everyone’s families the way that happened in daycare/pre-K.
IME, the PTA is a much more surefire way to make elementary school parent friends, and you can jump into that any time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree that it will help to know what the private kindergarten program is like. Our daycare did a “pre-K” academic structure for the kids the year before K and it was a lot of sight words, memorizing, etc., which is fine as most of the day was still play, but our older son has learned to really read and write in his public K and I attribute that to his K teacher who really knows what she’s doing and how to teach kids this age. Plus we had the added benefit of having him transition to the “big school” now, in a K year built for transitions, vs. 1st grade, where the kids are little more used to it.
Anonymous says
Of course put him in public school. He’ll get to be part of the group and make friends and the transition to first grade will be easier.
AIMS says
What are his classmates doing? We switched my youngest to a different school last year and it was super hard because he had such a bond with his teachers and class but almost everyone else in his tiny class was leaving that school (they grouped them by age but he’s a January kid and his class was full of Oct-Dec babies who would be one year above him in school) and he would have had a different teacher anyway so while I felt bad, I think it made sense (the transition sucked though). Now, we are keeping him in his current private school another year instead of starting Pre-K in public with his sister because they have better hours and because the Pre-K in our public school is so small (vs. kindergarten) that he won’t be the only new kid starting in another year. I think the bonds they have with their classmates are a big factor.
govtattymom says
We were in a very similar situation last year and decided to go with private kindergarten. It went very well. My daughter’s class was super small (7 kids). The school took a lot of covid precautions plus it was a small class so my daughter didn’t miss a single day of school due to covid issues (I know some of this was luck). Also, it was very convenient having one drop off and pick up for both girls. Her fabulous teacher had 23 years of experience. So all and all I would recommend it but I’m sure either option will be great! Good luck!!!
OP says
So private preschool is play based, and has already taught him to write, basic math, and he’s starting to read. I’m not saying that to brag, just since everyone says academics are a factor. So yeah honestly it’s weighing private preschool which will have him academically ready vs the desire for him to start with his peers in public k. Public k is…fine. Lots of worksheets, etc. The teaches seem super nice. They go outside once a day vs spending half the day outside in private preschool. None of his friends are continuing at private preschool but none of them are zoned to our same elementary school either. So he will have a new cohort this fall either way. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts so far!
Spirograph says
If money is not a huge factor, I’d stick with private strictly for the one drop-off/pick-up aspect! I hear everyone on the social thing, but most kids make and unmake friendships very quickly at that age. Our elementary school isn’t huge, but there was a bumper crop of kindergarteners and 5 K classes in my oldest’s year, and none of his K friends were in his class in 1st grade (probably by design, if I’m being honest). He made new friends in 1st grade, played with a mix of the K and 1st grade friends on the playground (prepandemic) and it was nbd.
Anon says
+1 I’ve never heard of a first grader struggling to make friends with a new group of people. If he were a couple years older, I’d worry but not at this age.
Anon says
With these additional details I would do private.
Anonymous says
If private K is play-based and public is worksheet-based, I’d go with private as long as you are certain their K program is actually play-based. Our preschool was entirely play-based until pre-K, when it became worksheet central. I’d verify that this isn’t the case with your K.
Anon says
For some kids it can be a lot to have a completely new cohort of kids two years in a row (both K and 1st). Some are 100% fine. Others would be 100% stressed out. Many somewhere in between.
Our public elementary also keeps clusters of kids together from year to year so even if there are new classes each year, no one is starting over. They should always have 5-8 kids they already know in their next years class. My daughter was clustered with the advanced/gifted kids coming out of K and has continued to be clustered with mostly those same kids for the three subsequent years.
EP-er says
Re: Eye Contact Post Yesterday
I didn’t make it back to yesterdays comments until this morning. I wanted to thank the commenters who pointed out the difficulty some people have with making eye contact and that it doesn’t mean that they are “shifty.” I appreciate this community for pointing out in a respectful way how older schools of thought aren’t always inclusive. You have given me a reminder to do better with the next generation.
Anon says
Same! And I was the one that posted the question!
Although I have to admit, one reason I posted the question is I myself struggle with eye contact and I think it has (unfairly) hit me in interview type situations. There was one day of interviews in particular – clerkships – where I wasn’t feeling well and I know I didn’t make great eye contact and I really think that may have affected my outcomes. But it shouldn’t have! So this was a good reminder to me that I want to make sure not to perpetuate this standard. (FWIW I don’t think I have but given teachers have mentioned it I probably do bug my oldest about it too much)
Anonymous says
This is one of the reasons I am happy to be fully remote. No one cares about eye contact on a video call because it’s impossible to see where you’re really looking anyway. I always found judging the right amount of eye contact to be nearly impossible. It was never instinctive enough for me to not have to think about it, and its a drain on my focus when I’d rather be paying attention to the content.
Anonymous says
My friend invited me to join them in sending our kid to a cultural school on the weekend (like Chinese school, Hebrew school, etc.). We both have 3-year olds. I looked at the website and it says the school starts with “Pre-K” but doesn’t list an age. Am I being weird in thinking that we should wait a year? I expressed my concern with my friend, and she said “they let us sign up so I assume it’s fine”. I dunno! It’s a not insignificant amount of money. I want to, and I want to get more involved generally with this cultural group (husband grew up doing a similar program, I did not). So I don’t know what my hold up is.
Anonymous says
I would call the school and find out how old the majority of the kids in the class are. I would not put a 3-year-old in a class intended for 4-year-olds who are a year ahead in school, even if it’s allowed. For one thing, will they have to repeat the pre-K class again when they are 4?
Anon says
It depends on the way the program is structured, but repeating isn’t necessarily bad. My daughter was in a mixed age classroom at daycare this year and will be in the same room next year, repeating the same general curriculum. But it’s a play-based school so I don’t think the curriculum is super important. Our sunday school groups kids into preschool (3s and 4s), K/1/2 and so on, so most kids go through the same program more than once. But the specific activities change and even if they didn’t most 4 year olds aren’t going to remember or care what they did last year.
anon says
Three seems really young. I’d wait a year.
Anonymous says
From what you’ve said, your hold up is that you think your kid is too young. FWIW, I’d say you’re experiencing peer pressure to do something you wouldn’t be considering doing if your friend weren’t enthusiastic about it.
Anonymous says
This.
Anon says
Pre-k to me means ages 3 and 4. I’d call and confirm that 3 year olds can join, but if they can I’d definitely consider it! We would have started my daughter in (Jewish) religious education at 3 but for the pandemic. At that age, at least at our school, it’s super fun and play-based (crafts, music, cooking). The intense school-like Hebrew language learning starts much later, third grade at our school.
startup lawyer says
I’d sign up. I am in a “cultural” coop of sorts where a bunch of kids with a parent from that background meet up once a week to read a book and eat a snack from the culture. some are 2 and some are closer to 3 and it’s fine. the stakes are low and it’s really just exposure
anon says
Summer hair question: How are you styling older kids’ hair for the pool? My second grader has fine hair that’s down to her shoulder blades (the first time it’s been this long). Over the weekend, I tried braiding it, and it still turned into a snarled mess. So did a ponytail. I tried putting conditioner in ahead of time, and it didn’t do anything to help, as far as I can tell. She is extremely active, and I think her hair comes loose and then winds around itself, despite my best efforts. I feel like a French braid would be better, but, um, I can’t do them. Yes, even after watching YouTube.
Suave detangler isn’t cutting it, so any recommendations for after-swimming products are appreciated.
I would honestly love to cut a few inches off because I think her hair is too fine to wear long, but she is very attached to her length, has spent a year growing it out, and it feels super controlling to make her cut it.
CHL says
Could you do a french ponytail or pigtails? That would be easier than braids but accomplish the same goal of tacking it down along the length.
Spirograph says
Yes, I’ve been doing french ponytails all this week for my daughter. Her hair sounds similar – very fine & shoulder length. When her hair was longer it would stay in french braids, but at this length it’s a little too short and doesn’t have enough texture to hold it in the braid well. I still use those tiny little elastics, because wrapped hairbands just fall out.
Anonymous says
A Dutch braid is easier to do than a French braid, and two Dutch braids are easier than a single one.
When was her last trim? If she has a lot of split ends, her hair will tangle more.
anon says
I’ll give it a try, even though my styling skills are seriously limited, lol. She just had a trim and her hair seems to be in good enough shape, but tangling is still an issue.
Anonymous says
If french braids and dutch braids are difficult, try pulling her hair into a half-up ponytail, braiding that & tying it off, and then tucking the braid into another ponytail with the rest of the hair from the bottom of her head. (I hope that made sense) You still get the “capturing” effect of the braid, but much less skill needed!
Anonymous says
I have a 9 year old with long thick hair. She wears a ponytail in the pool (or even wears it down), then washes and heavily conditions after. Comb with wide tooth comb. Works well for us.
Anonymous says
How about a braided bun? Make a ponytail, divide it into two sections, braid each section, wrap braids around the base of the ponytail, and secure with with two hair ties plus old-fashioned hairpins (not bobby pins).
Anon says
“Anna braids” are probably the easiest French braids.
Part the hair down the middle and rubber band back the side you aren’t braiding. Then start the French braid low, behind the ear, so you only have to add in 3-4 sections before braiding normally. Then do the other side.
anon in brooklyn says
Try two braids with an elastic band at the top and bottom of the braids. Make pigtails, with an elastic band, then braid them and put another elastic at the bottom. I’m working on my French braids, but when I don’t have time to focus, braids like this are easy and the elastic at the top too helps it stay.
Aunt Jamesina says
My hair has always been like this and in addition to braids, I comb it out with conditioner afterwards.
DLC says
We do ponytail under a swim cap. Sometimes french braid pigtails if I have time.
Or half ponytail and then gathering the half ponytail into another pony tail at her nape.
The swim cap helped a lot with keeping my daughter’s hair together, but she also has thick, not fine hair.
Anon says
Re: learning how to french or dutch braid, I ordered a hair mannequin. It was about $20 and it let me watch videos and practice without the frustration of a moving kid in the chair or bribing with screens to sit still.
I know that is not really the question asked and a lot of effort if you’re not interested in doing so, but I wanted to share.
Being able to french and dutch braid has added some nice variation to functional hairstyles.
Anonymous says
Bday party logistics question:
I have a bday party for my 4 year old scheduled at a gymnastics place 12-1:30 on a weekend.
Do I service pizza and cake at 1, or just assume people will have eaten and serve cake?
Waiting until 1 for lunch seems too late for young kids. Serving pizza right at noon before they jump seems like a bad idea.
Thoughts?
Anonymous says
Pizza and cake at 1, and specify this on the invitation.
Do not serve pizza before kids bounce around.
Anon says
I’d serve pizza and cake at 1. People don’t expect food at the start of a party (especially if the party involves something active like swimming or gymnastics) so they’ll feed their kids a snack before they go.
NYCer says
Pizza and cake at 1. We went to an 11:45-1:15 third birthday party at a gymnastics place recently, and they served lunch and cake at 12:45, and it was nbd. The invitation specified that lunch would be served, but I would have assumed it based on the time even if not specified.
Godmother Gift? says
Popping over here from the regular board – I’m not a mom yet, but a good friend just asked me to be the godmother for her upcoming baby girl. I’m so excited – she’s a close friend and her and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for 2-3 years. I want to get the baby girl something special when she’s born as a keepsake of some kind. I’ll also be doing a basket for goodies for mom (massages, food deliveries, etc). Is there a piece of jewelry or something of that sort you’d have enjoyed receiving for your kiddo as a keepsake? Budget is pretty flexible – she’s one of my closest friends, and I’m living the DINK lifestyle for the next few years until husband is done with his medical residency, so I want to spend on this kiddo and her parents!
Anon says
Okay, this is a know your audience, but my daughter’s godmother gave her a piece of art as a christening gift. It’s currently in our living room and I don’t see her taking it to college but I fully intend to make sure it’s hanging in her first apartment and I think that will be kind of a neat story!
We gave my godson a set of harry potter books with cool covers since his parents are big harry potter nerds and I assume he’ll be into it!
Anonymous says
I agree with this–make the gift about a special connection you have with the mom and/or hope to have with the child.
If you are looking for a religious gift, the text of the book “Prayer for a child” by Rachel Field is lovely, but know your audience because it was published in 1944 so the illustrations are of a white child.
Anon says
Not exactly what you were asking, but DD received Bedtime Blessings by Marianne Richmond as a baptism gift and it is really well done. We read it nightly.
Pogo says
My favorite baby gift ever was a maternity and newborn photo shoot with the same photog. I would NEVER have bought for myself but I really cherish the photos and I am so grateful for my friend who gifted them to us. If nothing else one of the pics of my oldest as a newborn from that shoot has been on my desk for years now and I get so many compliments on it – that alone makes it worth it (though we also hung up framed photos, gifted a book of photos to grandparents, used for birth announcements, etc – but I know not everyone is into that).
Anon says
I’m in the south, but a nice pair of pearl earrings or maybe a pearl necklace if you are set on jewelry. Pearl studs can be worn from a young age as long as they aren’t massive. Cheaper than diamonds but still classic. Tiffany also has heirloom type baby gifts (silver rattles, etc)
Anon says
What is even the point of those Tiffany baby gifts though? I have the engraved silver cup that my aunt gave as a baby gift when I was born and it has just been sitting in its blue box for the last 34 years. It’s not like those items are going to be displayed even.
Anonymous says
I agree. My daughter got a silver porridge bowl from MIL and we don’t display it because we don’t want to bother polishing it. Baby jewelry is marginally better because at least you can put it on them for a photo.
Anonymous says
The point of those is to make older relatives feel generous.
SC says
I have a collection of silver spoons and porridge bowls. Mine, my husband’s, and my son’s. They’re all in a dresser drawer.
Anon says
Yup. Someone gave us a Tiffany baby bowl and cup I think? We never used them, they were so impractical. When we moved I gave them away for free because I’m Marie Kondo like that. Hard to feel sentimental about something you never use and therefore has no memories.
Anon says
I always give a check and the book “God bless you and good night”. Love reading it to my daughters.
Anon says
Tiffany silver spoons are a posh keepsake if your friend would be into that. Another option is two matching pieces of jewelry in the baby’s birthstone if you are reasonably confident of the birth month for the baby (or wait to order pieces for when you know the exact birth day because babies can be weeks early or weeks late), one for mom and one for the baby to have when she is older. Another thought is to make a photo keepsake book for baby about what the world was like when she was born in–pictures of her parents, pictures of local landmarks in her birth city, pictures of her house and the hospital she will be born, pictures of where her parents work, summary of key news events around the time she was born, etc.
Anon says
The best gift in my opinion is professional photographs. I feel like keepsakes are outdated. Even classic jewelry like pearls are not really worn where I live by anyone under the age of 50.
Anon says
I love the idea of professional photos. But if you’re thinking more of a keepsake route. I requested this GLDN necklace as a mother’s day present right after I had my kiddo and I wear it all the time. I think it would make the perfect gift to give Mom who can then pass it down to baby down the road. https://gldn.com/products/toujours-necklace
It also doesn’t hurt that proceeds from this necklace support a great cause.
Extra points if you also purchase a tiny pendant with baby’s initial to go with it.