This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
I’m not a fan of detanglers aimed at kids, so I tried this one for my daughter’s hair.
A few spritzes of this leave-in conditioner from Honest tames tangles and flyaways in addition to strengthening and hydrating all types of hair. This conditioner is designated a “clean” product at Target, so there aren’t a bunch of ingredients you may not want, like synthetic fragrances and dyes. It’s also plant-based and biodegradable. And, it works — no more tugging and tears.
The Honest Company’s Conditioning Detangler & Fortifying Spray is $7.99 at Target.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
Anon says
We’ve noticed our 7yo son is running unevenly. It looks like he just has an uneven gait, taking bigger steps with the left leg than the right. He doesn’t mention anything about pain or anything like that, and he’s probably been running like this for a while. A family member noted it a couple of months ago, and we agreed after we really started paying attention this baseball season. Coaches and his gym teacher have also noted this too, so it does seem like there’s something there. Potentially relatedly, he really wants to ice skate, but he’s never been able to do anything but glide with his right leg and will push only with his left.
What is our first step? Pediatrician? Orthopedic surgeon? Physical Therapist? If the ped or ortho is just going to send us to a PT, I’d rather just skip the copay and go directly to them. Anyone with experience or advice? Thanks!
Anonymous says
Pediatrician. You need to make sure the doctor has a handle on the why of it before jumping into PT.
Anon says
The PT or insurance might require a diagnosis and sign off from pediatrician. This was the case for us when kiddo was infant and needed PT.
Also doesn’t hurt since the pediatrician may know local pediatric PTs who work specifically on the specific issue your son may have. Good luck!
anon says
Pediatrician. Lots of people have a slight difference in leg length as adults, but the difference can be more significant during childhood growth periods, and for a very few that lingers. That was the first thing that came to mind. Generally addressed with shoe lifts. Don’t start with a surgeon without any idea what the problem is; that’s silly.
Anonymous says
For orthopedic stuff our pediatrician just made referrals.
No Face says
Many states require a prescription before you can get PT at all, so start with the pediatrician.
Anonymous says
Pedi, and you might want to video it in advance. It sounds like the sort of thing that could be hard to replicate in an office setting.
Anonymous says
Pediatrician. Could be leg length but could also be neurological.
Daycare Questions says
Looks very likely we will be losing our beloved in home daycare at the end of the summer. We just found out and after calling around yesterday I was able to find 1 spot that is well reviewed and has an opening for our 2yo when we need it. We are doing a tour tomorrow. What questions should I ask and things to look for?
This is a well known chain in our area and comes recommended from a neighbor.
Lily says
Teacher tenure (this will tell you a lot about how well they treat their teachers). Sick policy. Child/teacher ratio. Do they have their own private outdoor space? How often do kids go outside? Do they provide food? Allergy policy. Security protocols (locked front doors?).
Pogo says
+1 teacher tenure.
AwayEmily says
I like talking to other parents — usually they will give you someone’s number. Then you can ask them what they don’t like about the center.
anon says
I’d pull the licensing report and ask the director about any significant issues. Where I live, licensing sometimes categorizes things I personally am fine with as major problems (and good programs sometimes make mistakes). I wouldn’t write off a program for having a licensing deficiency, but I would want to see how the director talks about it.
Pogo says
this too! In my state you can call and speak with the auditor as well and in my case she explained some of the findings to me directly.
anonM says
I’d think and ask about the older kids – like 3-5 yo. (When I toured for baby/2yo, I didn’t know what to ask for preschool, so here are things I did or wish I did ask, in retrospect.) How long do they expect a 3 or 4 yo to sit, for things like activities or circle time? How many worksheets a week? I would also be specific about outdoor time – do they not go outside in the rain? Temperature guidelines? etc. A lot of places SAY they go outside a lot, but then don’t actually go out unless the conditions are ideal. What are their guidelines for bodily autonomy/sexual assault prevention (i.e. no forced hugging/tickling and background checks)? How do teachers communicate with parents and vice-versa, and does that change for “preschool”? (Ex- a lot of this has been different with covid. My school still doesn’t allow parents to drop off/pick up in school, and there is now a desiganted teacher for pickup/drop off, and preschool doesn’t have an app. So we didn’t know about a situation until it had gone on for a long time. Had I known that, I would have been insisting on other forms of communication much earlier!).
Lily says
Looking to hear about others’ experiences…. I have 2 kids, youngest is 13 months. I’ve finally lost all of the baby weight that I gained with my second (still 10 lbs to go to get back to my original pre-kids weight, but I’m not tied to that), which puts me back at a normal BMI (just under the overweight threshold).
But, most days (especially late in the day, or after eating, but really all the time) I look 4-5 months pregnant. It’s not solely my posture, and I think it’s not solely fat, either, though that’s certainly part of it. But I was assessed for diastastis (and have assessed myself too) and don’t have it. It’s a combination of lower belly fat (the dreaded “apron”, though minor) but also there is rounding at the top of my belly, which is what gives me more of the pregnant look.
Has anyone experienced this who *didn’t* have diastasis, and in addition to losing more weight, was there anything that helped? I definitely intend to lose more weight, but am feeling really discouraged that I may look like this forever. I feel like I can’t wear anything fitted below the waist (such as a dress or bathing suit) unless it has serious compression. I have DDs so wearing anything empire-waisted is just not a good look for me.
TIA!
Anon says
Following. I am 9 weeks postpartum with my first, no diastasis, and have very clear “rounding” as you described that has me looking similar to how I did around the end of the second trimester. (I still have ~15-20 pounds to lose after gaining 40 with the baby, and feel terrible about how I look; doesn’t help that 4 or 5 friends with kids around the same age are back to their pre-baby clothes…)
Anonymous says
FWIW, I was back to pre-baby clothes at 9 weeks postpartum. I then gained a ton of weight back when my kid started daycare because I finally had time to eat. Bodies aren’t done changing shape at 9 weeks postpartum.
Anon says
Similar story but in my case it was starting meds to treat my overactive thyroid that caused me to gain all the weight and then some back. I miss how I looked at 2 months postpartum, but in my case skinny was not healthy.
Anonymous says
9 weeks is nothing! Even if you’re back to your pre-baby weight at that point, your bones and muscles and organs haven’t had time to settle into their new normal locations.
Anon says
How old are you? This may be more of a mid-30s thing than a pregnancy thing. At least that was the case for me.
Lily says
36
Anon says
Yeah that was right around when my body started noticeably changing.
Anonymous says
+1. I am 34, back steady at my pre-pregnancy weight, but lost some waist definition and have more of an apple shape now than I did before. I chalk it up to middle age :(
Mrs. Jones says
+1. that’s just how I look now.
Anon says
+1. Mine is definitely weight-related (I have about 40-60 pounds I would ideally lose), but also my shape has changed (35). What has helped most is physical therapy for a back injury where we have been focused on “reawakening” and strengthening my core muscles that I had pretty much ignored since my kid was born. I no longer feel like my guts are prone to just spilling out on the floor (the best way I could describe the feeling the last 5 years). Frontal core is back up to snuff after 6 months, but still working on the side and posterior core muscles, and I have to say it has made a meaningful difference in my posture and shape because there is now support there.
Pogo says
(sobbing emoji) I figured this was the answer. Also genetics probably plays into it – my mom has a similar body shape.
Anon says
I realized that I look exactly like my mom did when I was my daughter’s age a few months ago, which is not a good thing. It was a sobering realization that kicked off some new clothes buying for me, because at the moment there isn’t going to be a significant change in weight or lifestyle (and the autoimmune disease we both have is likely contributing to it), but I can at least try to look less frumpy by picking up some stylish clothes that fit well and that I feel good in. In other words, I deserve to have stylish, flattering clothes at any size. I had to give myself the same lecture post-partum, but I suppose I had forgotten it in the craziness of WFH and covid quarantines (where no one saw me and I just avoided mirrors).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi. So, unlike many of the posters here, I did not lose an oz of weight while breastfeeding. In fact, I gained/held on to weight while nursing/pumping. I think more than losing weight, it’s also just…time. As your younger gets a bit older, there is a bit more mental bandwidth for exercise, being more specific about diet, etc. that leads to weight loss.
I didn’t feel more like my (new) self body-wise until both of my kids were closer to 1.5. DS #2 is 17 months and I’m just now feeling closer to a new “normal”.
Anon says
Same experience. Didn’t lose a bit of weight nursing. I had the 15 or so pounds immediately from baby + placenta but plateaued basically till now.
With a two year old, I am constantly moving and that helped some. I don’t love the way I look now and I have started exercising a lot more but it’s not really going anywhere.
Anon says
my body has always been built this way a little bit and is magnified since being pregnant. literally once when i was 15 i remember being in a restroom with my sister and joking about how my stomach made be look pregnant and every person in there turned their head and genuinely thought i was pregnant. it is very hard for me to buy pants because they fit in the legs but are too small in the waist or fit in the waist and are swimming in the legs.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
SAME. I remember wearing a baby doll dress as a tween and someone joking that I looked pregnant (also, ew at the joke).
No Face says
I never had diastasis, but I’ve always had a rounded belly. I am also a G cup.
My waist has dramatically improved this year, and it is due to exercising my whole body with lots of challenging weight lifting. I started with Les Mills BodyPump and Les Mills Core. Now I do OrangeTheory most days of the week. I really focus on engaging my core on everything, even when it is not a “core” exercise.
Anon for this says
I am currently in this situation, and I work part time (roughly 25-30h per week). My parents are very, very wealthy, and due to some estate planning that was done before they sold their business 15+ years ago and some lucky investments since then, I have substantial personal assets. Grandparents (my parents) pay for private school for our kids, and our houses are fully paid off. I still work part time at a law firm because I want to have something to do and some structure to my life. I am in a low stress practice area with a great boss, so it is fine for now. Also, very few of my friends or colleagues in “real life” know just how wealthy my parents are, and honestly I kind of want to keep it that way.
FWIW, my husband also has a finance job that pays a lot (like 10x my salary). He has been making 7 figures for six or seven years at this point, so in addition to my family money, he/we have accumulated quite a bit from his job too. But his job and income is obviously not guaranteed forever. When our kids finish high school (a long ways off…), we will both likely “retire”, since we will have more flexibility to travel, won’t be tied to one place, etc.
Anon for this says
Oops, this clearly was meant for the thread below about quitting work!
anon says
I had my second at 41. He’s 2 now and while my weight is only about 7lbs over what I was before he was born, my natural waist is still about 2-3 inches bigger than it was before he was born. I have the bump at the top of my belly button that makes me look pregnant. I did go to a PT and she said I don’t have much of a diastasis but taught me a lot of exercises, which I did consistently for about 3 months. Honestly didn’t seem to make much difference for me. I think losing losing weight might help decrease the size but I’m also pretty sure it won’t entirely eliminate it. I think it’s both middle age (I’m 43 now) and just how my body now carries extra weight. It sucks though. I don’t feel that great about my body right now and try as I might, I’ve had so much trouble fitting in a regular exercise routine. I know others have had good results with Restore Your Core and MammaStrong but neither of those programs did much for me. Very discouraging.
Light says
Fantasy question prompted by the start of summer break – If you were independently wealthy and knew you’d never have to worry about money, would you continue working? I have a nice nest egg but nothing crazy, and think I would stop if I had multiple millions. I have recently felt jealous of SAHMs and am worn down by the past two years so I think I’d just take a long break, keep childcare, and then pursue creative writing once I’ve had a reset.
Anon says
Nope, zero chance. I work to fund my luxury travel habit and so I’d have a way of supporting myself if my husband divorced me. Independent wealth would take care of both of those and I’d have no reason to work. We’d still do some summer camps because my kid is extroverted, but we’d have more downtime at home and I’d be with her every afternoon after 3 pm.
Anon says
I would definitely not work. I have colleagues who are in this position and still working which mystifies me since we have a high stress legal practice. To each their own I guess!
Anne-on says
Nope. I’d make sure a good chunk of money is in my name/accounts just in case of divorce, and that our kid had accounts fully funded for education and then I’d do what a lot of women around here do – work out, volunteer at your kids school, volunteer in the community, and have lots of time to hang out/do lunch/long family breaks, etc.
I’m grateful for a job where I can flex my hours to attend school functions, drive to sports/activities and do family dinner most nights but especially in the summer it’d be so nice to be able to just have a more relaxed pace.
anon says
I think I’d work doing something kind of fun and very part time. I’d be bored if I didn’t work but I would not keep my high stress full-time trial attorney job.
Anon says
I’d be bored if I did nothing but I’d much rather volunteer than work. It’s more fulfilling for me and it doesn’t limit you the same way because you can skip volunteering to travel or for a school function.
Anonymous says
My husband says my ego couldn’t handle not working. I used to think he was probably right, but lately work has been so bruising to my ego that I think I’d be happier being bored.
Cate says
Ha, my husband would say the same.
Anon says
I am kind of in this situation in that we had a recent substantial windfall. My husband plans to retire from full time work in the next few years and pursue creative pursuits and to be fair, I’m not entirely sure we can afford to have us both retire at this age and maintain our lifestyle, still pay for school etc. but maybe depending on the stock market long term. If I really wanted to SAHM I could probably push the issue and ask him to work a few more years. It’s weird, it’s really made me question why I work, what I get out of it, what kind of life I want to model for my kids. I do think it’s effetively decreased my job satisfaction in that when I go through a rough patch now I have this mental message of “I could just quit.” which doens’t contribute to feeling dedicated/positive about my job. But, I think if I did SAH, I’d be really bored, and I’d turn into one of the former lawyer turned full time moms i know who direct all their over achieving intensity into their kids and that’s not super healthy either. Point being, it’s fun to fantasize about but actually difficult to figure out in real life, especially if you, like me, have dedicated a lot of yourself to your career.
Anonymous says
I know one of those moms except she is ABD, not a lawyer. She is exhausting but her kids are very high achievers.
Cate says
What’s ABD?
Anon says
I’ve only heard it used to mean “all but dissertation” in the PhD context, meaning you did the coursework for a PhD but didn’t write the thesis (of course, that’s kind of a big “all but…”). But it doesn’t seem to fit in this context.
Anonymous says
All But Dissertation. She took all the courses and passed the comprehensive exams for her Ph.D. but did not complete her dissertation.
Anonymous says
10:27, this person is ABD. She dropped out of grad school when she had her first kid and immediately channeled the substantial intellect and energy she had been expending on grad school into optimizing her children, just like the stereotypical former lawyer moms.
Anon says
This is a good perspective. My parents did a good job of “hiding” their wealth and living under their means. I had no concept of how much they had until they started to disclose things as they made their estate plans. I am in my 40s now and fairly settled in my somewhat frugal ways.
If we received a significant windfall, I’m not sure what we would do. My husband and I are both “work to live” types and I’d love more time with my family and to pursue interests and travel. But, I am conflicted on what message that would send my kid if his parents both retired at a very young age. Particularly as he would receive an even larger windfall than I would as time passes and things continue to compound and grow.
Anon says
I would definitely quit. Even without a windfall, I’m thinking about quitting next year when my child starts kindergarten. The cost savings from no longer paying for daycare would largely offset my salary loss. I don’t know if it’s because I have an only child but it feels like my life and her childhood are just going by so incredibly fast and I’m not soaking it in enough. I want more time with my kid who is now my favorite person to spend time with, more time for volunteering, more time for taking care of my body through exercise and sleep, and, honestly, more time for relaxation. I feel guilty because being a SAHM of one school age child seems so lazy (all the SAHMs I know have more than one kid and kids who aren’t yet school age) but I think I need to get past that because we can afford it and I think it’s what’s right for our family.
avocado says
I have only one child, and I really wish I had been able to become a SAHM when she entered kindergarten. Our fantastic day care was far better for her than staying home with me would have been, but my career and sanity really took a hit when I had to juggle the patchwork of inadequate after-school and summer care options plus extracurriculars. Our weekends would also be much more relaxed if I were able to take care of the housework during the week instead of my husband and me trying to do it all over the weekend after working all week. I think her childhood would have been much happier for the entire family if I’d stayed home.
Anon says
Thanks, I appreciate your perspective as someone with a teen.
HSAL says
I quit last summer when my oldest went to K. My twins (almost 4) go to part-time preschool. They say you should stay home because you want to stay home with kids, not because you want to quit your job, but for me it was 75/25. And I love being home now. If you can swing it financially and want to spend the time with your kid, this internet rando is telling you to do it. (Note that I’ve accepted it’s unlikely I’ll ever go back to work as an attorney – if you think you’ll ever want to go back that’s a different calculus)
HSAL says
That ratio was unclear – I mainly wanted to quit.
Anon says
Thanks! I’m glad it’s going so well for you and it’s nice to hear positive stories from the other side. I’m not sure how easy it would be for me to go back to work once my kid is a teen or out of the house – probably not super easy but not impossible (I’m not an attorney or another high-powered profession). But I doubt I’d want to. Maybe I’m naive but I don’t think I would struggle to find purpose without a job or a young child. My job is…fine? It pays me money and it’s not horrible, but I’ve never felt like it fulfills me or adds any meaning to my life, and now that I’m fulltime WFH it’s not like it even gets me out of the house and interacting with other adults. I get fulfillment and social interaction through family, friends, volunteering and hobbies.
Anon says
I left the workforce when my oldest was born, and now have three kids and am still home. I was in a stressful PR job with demanding clients and, being an anxious person, knew I couldn’t swing that with kids. And I never “loved” my work.
It was 100% the right decision and I can’t imagine the stress and chaos we’d be under without me home acting as point person for kids and home things. I also genuinely enjoy it. My husband is an equal partner in all ways, and while I do the vast majority of the planning, scheduling, handling finances and most house chores, he cooks and cleans up dinner nearly every night and gets up with the kids/gets the older ones off to school while I sleep in (my baby is a horrid night sleeper).
Im positive I will never want to go back to PR or client-based work, but I am, oddly, starting to day dream about part time work down the road. I’ve wanted to be a SAHM my entire life, but there is a part of me that does feel slightly unmoored/like I’ll want an additional purpose at some point. I am still absolutely certain I made the right choose, and don’t plan to return to full time work for years or decades to come, but I’m starting to get a little twinge thinking about a future career, and it surprises me
Anonymous says
I quit to be a SAHM, and I had a good career/job I liked. But DH has a demanding job AND is in the Reserves to serve our country, so we needed somebody home. Everyone on this board advised me against it because of the small chance our marriage explodes and I end up destitute (shocker – it hasn’t). I am very happy I have spent so much time with my kids. There are huge ups and downs every day and it’s an emotional roller coaster, but it was 100% the right choice for our family. I like my kids so much that we’ll be homeschooling! So yes I get what you mean that you want to spend time with your kid. You’ll also have summers off, help with school, sick days, holidays, and maybe have a little bit of time for yourself. It’s not lazy. You can also volunteer if you have time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
If I were truly independently wealthy (i.e. not just dependent on my husband’s job/salary), then yes, I would stop working full time. I work to live, not live to work. If my kids were elementary school age and up, they’d be in school during the year and then we’d likely do some shorter camps in the summer. I don’t know what I would do during the year, but I’d hope in this scenario, my husband could retire too so we could do things together. And do longer travel in the summer. This is kind of what we’re working toward – saving up enough to early retire in our 50s.
I think most SAHMs are not in the independently wealthy situation so not sure I’m really jealous of that. And being a SAHM to a toddler/preschool age kid or multiple kids is a lot more work than my paid job most of the time!
Anon says
I read it as she was jealous of getting to be home with the kids, not jealous of the SAHMs’ financial situation.
Anonymous says
It changes depending on the day. As my kid is entering middle elementary school, I wish I was around more for afterschool activities, play dates, random half days, and just to have more time with my kid while she still likes me. On the other hand, I find my job fulfilling much of the time and a friend who found herself between jobs and is taking a few months off to figure out what she wants to do (and not hurting for money) is bored and listless.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yeah, ideally I would take a sabbatical from full time work while my kids were 6-10ish, when they’re easier to take care of and still like me, then go back when they’re teenagers and want nothing to do with me! And retire again when they’re young adults/adults with kids of their own.
Anonymous says
I might go back for the Ph.D. I should have gotten instead of my law degree. Or I would go back to music, which I dropped after getting my bachelor’s because I needed a salary and health insurance. After so many years off I could never make it a real professional career, but if I devoted enough time to practicing and networking I could get some little local gigs and maybe do some subbing. I am in the process of verrrrry slowly ramping up so maybe I can do a bit on the side in a few years when my kid is in college, but it would be a whole lot easier if I could quit my actual job.
Anon says
I’d move to a job that I found more rewarding but has lower pay. Specifically – I’ve always felt moved to work for our local food bank that does incredible work for the very many needy families with young children in my city, but that pays literally 20% of what I make right now. I can’t take that pay cut and meet my family’s needs right now but would love it if I could.
Anon says
Paid non-profit work is not nearly as fun as it seems. In addition to a huge pay cut, you’d likely be signing up for very long hours and a lot of stress. That’s why I prefer volunteer work. You can do good on your own terms, and walk away if it gets too stressful or unfun.
Lise says
I get a certain high from my job that doesn’t really happen in other contexts, but I would absolutely go very part-time.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yes, but I have a unicorn job that I really love and I like the structure it gives to my life. I would scale back to maybe two days per week.
EDAnon says
I also have a unicorn job that I love, is mostly flexible, and pays me well. If I was independently wealthy, I would feel more comfortable asking for the flexibility I want (which is summers off). As it is, I am not wealthy (we are fairly high income, but still building wealth – neither of us comes from wealthy families). As such, I am seeing how things play out over the next year and figuring out if there is a way to make it happen. My boss is pretty traditional in how he thinks work should look, so I don’t think he’d love the summers off model. We’ll see.
anonanon says
This is not a fantasy question for me as I do have multiple millions (thanks, 12 years of biglaw). I have downshifted significantly to a still interesting but way way way way less stress legal role where I am paid 1/5 what I made before, but I don’t really have to care about that. We are still saving now, just at a much smaller scale. And we don’t live large, particularly by lawyer standards (one 13-year-old car, no private school, planning on a smaller house, big splurges reserved for travel, etc.) The plan is to stop working entirely sometime in the next 5ish years in my early to mid 40’s (10% of the biglaw money is set aside to cover probably about half the purchase price of a new house, and we want to see what our budget/spend will be like in that new house before we are certain we are comfortable for the long long term, but so far the numbers are more than adequate with a sub 2% withdrawal rate, so…we’ll die with more money than we have now, probably). Planning for this has involved relocating to a state with healthy ACA marketplaces where we can get decent health insurance (we were going to move nearer to family anyway, it just all worked out). I did feel a small pang walking away from biglaw and all the prestige and nonsense, but biglaw with small children in the pandemic very nearly killed me, and I need space to grieve some losses, so. A very small pang. I anticipate that we probably will make money again in our lives (I’ve made small funds from writing before, spouse has picked up freelance coding projects here and there) but that will be for fun, not to live on. We have many hobbies/a lot to occupy us, though.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congrats, you are living the dream! (I mean this sincerely) You worked hard in biglaw to save up, and now you can enjoy the rewards. I know many people working in law who clearly have $$$ but still work insane hours through old age and that just seems sad to me… But again, my philosophy is work to live, not live to work.
anonanon says
Thanks! I completely agree with you — I enjoyed biglaw more often than not, or else I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did. But I would look at my senior partner, pushing 70 having never done anything but biglaw, and genuinely angry that the firm was making him step back and think “but…why? This is what you wanted your entire life to be about?”
anonanon says
Also, me again, I will say straight up that even if the money was 100% squared away this very second, neither spouse nor I wants to be FT at home with a 2 and 4 yo. No thanks. We’re hoping that we hit a sweet spot of leaving work when the kids are young but not, you know. 2 and 4.
Anonymous says
This sounds amazing, congrats to you!
Anonymous says
I would quit my job. I’d actually go back to school with a focus on learning how to fix and/or build cars, try to learn how to build furniture, do landscape design/learn more about gardening for my area, and also maybe some high level cooking classes/pastry/cake decorating. The community college that I drive by on my way into work has some of these course offerings, so I think about this a lot as I drive by. I need something to do to get me out of the house, or I would just watch Netflix.
Spirograph says
Yeah, I think if I were independently wealthy, I would dabble in learning all types of skills via community colleges! I did go to community college for a while 10-15 years ago (considering a career change that I ultimately abandoned) and I loved the mix of people I met there! It was so diverse in every possible measure and a really great experience.
Anonymous says
I just feel like if I were in this position, I currently live a life where I just read and analyze and draft contacts all day and don’t make anything, so I’d like to shift to creating physical things.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t but only because I have a very unicorn job situation now. I officially work full time, but rarely need to put in more than 20 hours a week to meet expectations and there’s basically never anything urgent in my job. I volunteer in our schools and the children’s hospital during normal business hours, and I’m with my kids in the afternoons.
Anon says
i suppose if i had that much money i could still have childcare and outsource stuff. i have 4 year old twins and right now they are still a handful so i dont want to be a sahm and spend all of my time with my kids, nor do i want to spend all of my time cleaning my house. i am also very very lucky in that i have a pretty low stress job and work part-time. i dont earn a lot of money, but DH does, which allows us to afford our lifestyle.
Spirograph says
I just had this conversation with my husband the other day – we were watching House Hunters International and the couple had done FIRE and was moving to some small town in Spain with their 7 and 9 year old kids and had no plans to work but needed to stick within their budget. I literally paused the show and said “I don’t know what I would *do* all day if I didn’t have a job!” This is why people struggle at the beginning of retirement, I suppose. I would need some kind of structure to my day, whether it’s volunteering or teaching a yoga class, or just somewhere that someone was expecting me to be at a particular time. I had an employment gap of several months in my mid-20s and, even though I wasn’t worried about it from a financial standpoint, it just wasn’t enjoyable. I absolutely would not keep my 40+ hour/week job if money were no object, though.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think you would absolutely need something to give you a reason to wake up in the morning. I’ve seen this with my dad and FIL – both retired and a lot of their time is just spent watching TV or reading news. My dad has his grandkids to occupy him at least and being there to pick up our oldest two times a week is as beneficial for him as it is for us, I think.
Anonymous says
I worry about this with retirement. I have one million things I’ve been waiting my whole life to do. My husband doesn’t.
Ugh says
I’ve been thinking about this recently because I realized that I have four female cousins on one side of the family and two on the other and none of them work. And my SIL teaches one adjunct class a semester – she’d say she works, but it’s nothing like what I do. One cousin’s wife works, but it’s in a flexible role at their kids school. None of my aunts worked growing up. My mom didn’t work after my brother was born. It’s kind of lonely.
And maybe they’re all on to something? I have a graduate degree but they all have degrees from good four year colleges, so it’s not like I devoted that much more to my education. I’m 15 years into my career and sort of beginning to feel like maybe I’m missing something. Most of my salary goes to childcare because we need so much of it with both of our jobs. Among my friends, I have a couple who are lawyers, but most either stay at home or have jobs like realtor or interior designer that still allow them flexibility and travel opportunities. And yet again I go back to, it’s lonely. Clearly I’m in the south.
Aunt Jamesina says
I tend to think that the grass is always greener. The SAHM life seems to offer more flexibility and less logistical juggling, but many of the marriages I’ve seen with a SAHM aren’t very equitable. I grew up in an area where being a SAHM mom was the norm and my mom was the outlier for working. As we got older, I saw a lot of the SAHM crowd struggle to find purpose once their kids grew up (and a few got financially screwed over in divorces). My realtor friends and family work a ton on evenings and weekends since that’s when their clients are available, and their income can quickly dry up when the markets takes a downturn.
Anon says
Agreed, but I think being independently wealthy is completely different than depending on your husband for money.
Anon says
“I saw a lot of the SAHM crowd struggle to find purpose once their kids grew up”.
This is what I also observed and I think is really easy to lose sight of when you are in the thick of your kid stage. But the reality is the kids grown up phase will likely be a much longer part of your life than your little kid or even general kid phase.
Earlier poster says
This kind of blew my mind – kids grown up phase being the longest. It’s kind of awesome because I’m excited to know my kids as adults? But kind of sad because I love the little kid stage!
Anonymous says
I’m not sure. If you have more than one kid, you will probably spend a good 20 years in that “kid phase,” and while they don’t need you in the same way in high school, it’s not such a blip. I’ll be close to retirement age when my youngest goes to college.
Anon says
I think this depends what age you have kids? If you have 2 kids at, say, 35 and 38, you’ll have a kid in your home for over 20 years and will have less than 10 years between the youngest kid leaving home and traditional retirement age and probably not much more than 20 years total as an empty nester while you’re still reasonably active and healthy. And many people are very involved with grandkids once they have them, which sort of takes you back to the kid stage. Not in the exact same way, but still.
Anon says
The comment was the longer part of your life, not necessarily the longer part of your working age life. Because they go to college, you are at retirement age, then you still probably have 20-30 years left of your life with them as adult age. Sure, maybe you wouldn’t have worked during those years anyway (but I think a lot of career people would still do another 5-10 years which would feel meaningful at the time), but I think if that 20-30 years was on top of already a handful of years where you slowly were starting to struggle with purpose as they got older I personally just think it would feel extra long.
Not saying every SAHM will feel this way, but this was just a continuation to the originally posted thought that observed some struggled once kids were grown.
Anon says
I guess I think the age you have kids matters because most people aren’t doing a whole lot past 80 and quite a few aren’t even doing much past 70. A life that an average 50 year old would find empty and without purpose is likely to be a pretty ideal life for a 75 year old. My dad is 72 and he loves his grandkid but his ideal life is sitting around reading and watching TV. He really doesn’t have the energy for anything else. I get that if you’re in your 40s when your youngest kid leaves home, you’re going to want some kind of second act to fill the next 30 years of your life. But if you’re 60 and only have ~10 years to fill before you really start slowing down, then it might not be such a big deal.
Anonymous says
I think you have to treat it like a career change. You’re a caregiver for 20-25!years, then you start up a new career. Of course you prob aren’t going to make a ton of money or climb the ladder but you can find something to keep busy that you enjoy. My youngest will go to college when I’m 50. My husband hopes to retire/be FI at 60 (and we’re aggressive savers) so that’s 10 years where I can do stuff. And college kids still need their parents!
Anon says
College kids need their parents . . . but not usually in terms of needing their parents to devote significant amounts of time to their daily activities.
Anon says
+1 to anon 1:25. College kids still need their parents, but usually not to an extent where it would fulfill someone’s desire for purpose, which is the crux of this particular side thread.
Anon says
dude I’m in NYC and it’s lonely here too. the women I work with mostly don’t have kids and the moms at school don’t have real jobs.
Earlier poster says
Ha, as a former New Yorker who relocated back to the south to be near family (clearly we’re big and close if I’m comparing myself to all my cousins), this makes me feel better!
Most of my cousins are independently wealthy. Three were homecoming queens, true story. They married guys from well off families, and they started with a leg up the ladder themselves. So honestly looking around at the moms in my town i see a lot of tennis and volunteering and then later on they seem to play more tennis once the kids are gone and do lunch and play bridge and they’re all pretty happy! from the outside at least! Whereas I felt the need to study hard and go to an ivy league school and work in big law and juggle it all. Ha.
Earlier Poster says
Hmm on second thought I’m realizing I’m coming at this from a very weird perspective.
Also, I don’t play tennis. Maybe working is where it’s at.
Anon says
Can we be friends? I live in NYC and generally have the same issue. Do you have a burner email you can post?
Anonymous says
I have pondered this question! Yes I probably would. I struggled at the end of maternity leave because I just really needed to engage my brain on something outside the home, and I’m not sure I would be motivated enough to start a robust volunteering gig.
AIMS says
I would absolutely not quit working. I do have a job with a fair amount of independence that I like though so that factors in and I am on a path to increase that autonomy as I progress.
I would take more time to travel, for sure, and maybe I would take in a foster child or two if space/money/logistics weren’t issues, but otherwise I don’t see changing my life all that much.
AwayEmily says
I would definitely continue working; I really love my job and am lucky that it is very flexible (I’m a professor). I would use some of my multiple millions is buy a very fancy vacation house somewhere relatively close by.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I think I’d still keep my job, but I’d probably not feel as much pressure day-to-day. Really I’d just like a society where there are enough supports for women and families where work/life integration was normalized and not seen as a perk.
So Anon says
One question that I always have on this front is: health insurance. If I had multiple millions that could easily cover my expenses plus travel plus my kids’ education, that still doesn’t cover health insurance. (Assuming no spouse with health insurance through work.) It doesn’t take much to wrack up multiple millions in health care costs. Any insight into how this would work?
Anon says
You can purchase independent health insurance. It’s more expensive than work-sponsored insurance, but if you had several million dollars presumably it wouldn’t be a big deal to spend that much for health insurance.
Anonymous says
+1 you can get it through lots of different places — often alumni associations will offer it, the ABA/your state bar might if you’re a lawyer, and then there’s the general marketplace. It’s expensive and often not that great, but it’s better than nothing.
Anon says
It’s expensive and you buy it on the open market. My parents retired 15 years before eligible for Medicare, and their health insurance is ridiculously expensive, up to $15K a year each now on the open market for not great coverage. TBH, it was much cheaper pre Obamacare, and our state had laws that meant you couldn’t be excluded for a pre-existing condition (which they both have in spades). Dad turns 65 next year and it will be a huge cost savings; mom has a few more years to go.
Anonymous says
That’s because ACA rates skyrocket for people >50. There’s a gradual increase up until age 50, and a very steep increase after that.
Word of warning, though. ACA minimum essential coverage is actually MUCH better than Medicare coverage. I work with older adults, and every single one of them who’s had an ACA plan has a rude awakening once they realize what Medicare doesn’t cover. Better get a great Medigap plan and check drug plan coverage very carefully.
Anon says
+1 to Medicare being terrible. My parents are 70 and 72 and still pay for private insurance because Medicare coverage is so bad. They are lucky because my mom still works and even when she retires she’ll have the option to continue buying through her former employer (state government). But I think it would be worth it to them even with a much higher out of pocket cost.
anon says
That’s what ACA is for. What do you think freelancers do? There are plenty of articles and tools that will tell you exactly how much it will cost at various incomes with various family sizes, and if you are living off investments there are lots of things you can do to raise or lower your income in a particular year. The FIRE crowd has lots of advice on how to optimize. You just make your premiums plus out-of-pocket maximum a line item in your budget, and ideally most years you don’t spend it all because you don’t hit the OOP max. Granted, it’s a bigger line item than it should be. Five years ago I would have hesitated to rely on ACA being around for decades, but now I don’t.
Boston Legal Eagle says
The Frugalwoods pay less than $100/month for ACA insurance coverage for 4 people. Courtesy of Vermont + low reportable income. It varies state by state though. If you’re lucky enough to work for certain state employers, I believe you can get health insurance covered for a while after you retire.
Anon says
Jesus! I pay more than that to insure me and one kid through my state govt employer on a very high deductible health plan.
Anonymous says
That makes sense. ACA subsidies are based on taxable income, not assets. Premiums do go up as you get older (at least as of right now), so that’s something to plan for.
Anon says
I would likely work anyway. The older I get the more I realize how long life can be and feel. And even though I’m in my low 40s, that’s still 40+ years of life expectancy left. I just don’t think I could piece meal together quite enough self directed projects, travel and volunteer things to fill all of those years in a way I would find satisfying like I do with my job, despite its at times long hours and stress.
Anon says
I would keep working, but I would drop down to significantly reduced hours after taking a maybe 6 month sabbatical to get my life back in order after the craziness of the past few years (i.e., a maternity leave without the new baby, or what some non-parents think maternity leave is like). I like my job (Biglaw corporate), I like my clients, I like the people I work with, I just wish there were fewer hours.
FVNC says
I have a really great work set up, but man I’d quit so fast. I think my husband would keep working because he loves his job. And through his job we could live in amazing places (HI, Europe) that I’ve always said “no” to because living there would be incompatible with my job.
Anonymous says
Now that my daughter (only child) is in school, I would quit. I might ramp up a few volunteer commitments during the schoolyear. I probably wouldn’t have quit during the daycare years. That wouldn’t have been good for either of us.
This post reminds me that I should buy a lottery ticket…
CHL says
I really enjoyed the book 100 Year Life by Lynda Gratton. Something it really highlighted for me (and echoing the other comments that the problem for me is the unfortunate intersection of baby time, small child time and older child time with the various stages of the career that many professionals are in at those times. And then a long stretch of no kid time. Our traditional career path isn’t set up for that. So I did NOT want to be home with a baby and toddler, but I do really wish I could lean out (kind of doing it, but can’t really afford the full deal) with elementary kids. I have no idea what middle school and high school will feel like, and then when they’re out of the house, I know I could work more, harder (ish) etc. If I was truly independently wealthy, sure, I’d find stuff to do, but to me it’s really more of a matter of the busy times of life set up at exactly the same time because it was designed for 1950s man.
Anonymous says
I had my baby during law school. In retrospect, I wish I’d dropped out of the workforce to have the baby and then returned to school to jump-start a new career when she was in high school instead of trying to establish my career with a young child.
GCA says
I wouldn’t quit my current job – I genuinely like what I do and think it’s a meaningful use of time and energy (all of my work is related to climate change and inclusion). But if I were independently wealthy I would scale back to 50% time, keep childcare, and use the spare time for rest and creative pursuits.
EDAnon says
Spare time to rest would be great!
Anon says
I don’t think so. I am definitely not a stay at home mom, and work gives my life structure and purpose. I’d try to optimize flexibility though. I would definitely encourage Husband to cut back, but not quit. If he could work 30-40 hours a week from home it’d be So. Nice.
anonymous says
I’m in this position, and I left my job one year ago next week. I was burned out after a horrific year with a toxic colleague (who has since been fired), plus working in healthcare during the pandemic, plus two young kids, plus grinding for decades+ in an emotionally challenging field. It was a really difficult decision to leave — I loved my job, my boss, and my company — but I’m so glad I did, and I have loved not working far more than I ever thought possible. I was worried I’d feel bored and aimless, but my days are so full that sometimes I wonder how I used to squeeze everything in when I was working.
Our wealth comes from DH’s role in a biotech startup, gifts from his parents (his dad is private-jet wealthy), frugal habits (we drive old cheap cars, public schools so far, prefer to cook at home, spend leisure time at parks/libraries, don’t have a TV), and lack of debt. I had no debt and healthy savings (~$650K in retirement funds) when we met 10+ years ago, which has since grown quite a bit. Our marriage is happy and strong. Even with all of that, though, I want to maintain my ability to support myself and my kids, in case something catastrophic happened to our family or the federal bank.
Yesterday, I woke up early without an alarm clock, went for a run, dropped off the kids at school, wrote morning pages, had a therapy appointment, volunteered on an urban farm, conversation group for a foreign language I’m relearning, online course on freelance writing/editing, booster shots for kids, dinner, bedtime. Today so far, I ran, dropped off kids, breakfast with a friend, wrote for an hour, Pilates, now coming home for lunch and various house chores.
Because we live in a city without any family support, we kept our nanny who has been with the family for 5+ years, and she picks up the kids from school, stays until 5 and babysits weekly. We all adore her, pay her way above market rate, and she’s become sort of an honorable auntie.
After a year of not working, I’m starting to think about my next steps. I don’t see myself never working again, but I’m less willing to work 14-hour days, tolerate toxic colleagues, cover overnight call, etc.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I posted above about compressing my job into very few hours. Today I took a long dog walk and did several hours of yard work and multiple loads of laundry. Tomorrow I’m taking the dog to the vet, getting a pedicure and going to an event at our preschool. I have no idea how I ever managed a full time office job. I guess this stuff didn’t happen (our yard was so neglected until recently) or happened on weekends but it seems so stressful now.
Spirograph says
This sounds lovely. I liked reading this whole thread, thanks everyone!
Anon says
one of my kids has basically stopped sleeping. well she falls asleep, but wakes up 3-5 times during the night. she doesn’t necessarily want anything. sometimes she wants a hug. but we are tired. i had no issue with CIO as a baby, but she is now 4 and shares a room with sibling and i don’t want to keep the whole house up. if there a 4 year old sleep regression? any ideas? also- for those of you who travel a lot with kids, this kid who previously was a great sleeper at home has always struggled in a new place, and so trips are almost not fun bc we are all so tired. it was a little easier when she was a baby and napped, but now that no one naps anymore we all walk around like zombies
Boston Legal Eagle says
Would you be ok with her sleeping in your bed for a bit? Our older kid sometimes gets up in the middle of the night (always when there’s some change afoot and he’s anxious) and we’ve let him sleep in our bed for the rest of the night. It beats walking him back to his room every hour. Not necessarily a great long term habit, but it allows us all to sleep better!
Anon says
+1 Our 4 yo sleep regression was refusal to go to bed, not night wakings, but bringing her into our bed helped in the short term and doesn’t seem to have created a long term problem.
OP says
would not work bc shares room with twin sister who would be hysterical if she did not also get to sleep in our bed and we cannot sleep with two kids in our bed
Anonymous says
I don’t really have any advice – I posted a few days ago about my 5 year old doing this suddenly (he’s also my best sleeper of the 3 kids heh). I put a sleeping bag on the floor and told him he can come sleep there if he wakes up. Him opening the door to our room still wakes me but it’s less disruptive than him getting in our bed. But he doesn’t have a twin so I don’t know…maybe two sleeping bags?
anon says
Please help! Our 2.5 year old has been waking up around 4:45 to 5:15am every. single. morning. for about a month now. He wakes up screaming and when we go in to calm him down, he insists that we stay in the room. So we’ve been spending the last part of our night sleeping on his floor. Ugh. We’ve considered just letting him cry but two things have stopped us: 1) he’s been sick with colds quite a bit and we feel bad letting him cry as he’s coughing, etc., and 2) his older sister is right next door to him and if there’s anything worse than a 2 yo awake at 5am it’s a 2 yo and 7 yo awake at 5am. He’s still in a crib and has never tried to climb out, so we don’t want to change that. Any ideas? I know we can try a Wake clock but I don’t think that’s going to do much to prevent him from waking up screaming and crying. I also know my older kid went through phases like this but she always got over it within a week or so, and clearly that’s not happening here. TIA!
anon says
Ha, just saw the poster above! Jinx!
AwayEmily says
Here is what I would do. Get a Hatch. Talk to him about how you don’t come to get him until the light is green (or whatever color you want). The first day, turn it green just a minute or so after he gets up. The second day, wait for five minutes. Then ten. Keep stretching it. The goal is that eventually he wakes up, sees the light isn’t green, and is quiet/maybe even goes back to sleep. When ours was waking at 4:30 it took about three weeks to get him to do this. The important thing is that you CAN’T go in before the light is green, even if he is screaming. Not a guarantee, obviously, but this strategy worked with both our early-waking kiddos.
ifiknew says
My child unplugs the hatch ha. Any ideas around this? we tried getting an outlet protector then he unplugs from the unit. lol
Anonymous says
Put it out of reach. Maybe on a wall-mounted shelf?
Anonymous says
I would do the Hatch as recommended above but maybe take him in to have his ears checked first since he’s had some colds. I’d want to be sure the crying wasn’t tied to that at all first.
Pogo says
Solidarity, but I can’t offer anything bc my 4yo is thankfully a heavy sleeper. So we just let him holler (or talk or sing or whatever he’s doing in there). This morning at 4:48am I woke to him saying ‘mama! dada! mama! dada!’ at increasingly higher volume until he was just howling. We do the hatch, we’ve been doing this method of leaving him in crib til 6, it doesn’t matter. If he naps too much the day before, he’s up before the sun and VOCAL about it.
Anonymous says
Is it a bad idea to do the 3-day intensive potty training while my husband is out of town?
Depends says
Do you have other kids? I think if you have an only, no. But it requires a lot of watching the kid so if you’re also watching a baby or helping an older kid, would be tricky.
Anon says
I think you can do it, as long as your child is showing signs of readiness (meaning, it won’t be a knock-down, drag-it-out fight all weekend). I trained my first while I also had a 6-month baby around, and my second while I had a 4 year old around (SAHM so husband was at work). Both boys trained at 2.5 on the dot, fwiw. It does take diligence on the parent’s part but it doesn’t consume every waking second.
Anonymous says
Nope. I intentionally did it without my husband. Only child. I knew she was ready and knew that I would be more stubborn than DH about the issue. Kiddo was trained in a morning.
So Anon says
I am here to highly recommend the book series for kids, “What To Do When.” It is a series of books for kids about what to do when you worry to much (anxiety), what to do when your brain gets stuck (OCD), what to do when bad habits take hold, and my recent personal favorite, What To Do When You Dread Your Bed. They are accessible books designed for kids and parents to work through specific issues. They came recommended by my therapist. My 8 year old has struggled for a long time with staying in her own room through the night. She read What To Do When You Dread Your Bed. We talked about her plan. And now, for the first time ever, she goes up for her shower/night routine at 7:30, I give her a kiss and hug at 8 and I don’t see her again until the next morning. (I mean, I check on her before I go to bed.) Its like the clouds have parted, the birds are singing and there are blue skies! The books are great and worth checking out if your kiddo has a specific issue.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thanks! I think this will be helpful for my oldest when he is a little bit older as he, like me, seems to be more anxious/sensitive.
A says
Thank you! I just bought this. My seven year old has really been struggling at bedtime, so I’m hoping this will be helpful for all of us.
Cornellian says
I’m planning to tell my boss today that I’m pregnant, due October. Any tips? We have no leave (#America) so need to talk to her about my plans, and I have one colleague who does what I do (who I’ll tell next).
Anonymous says
Keep it short and sweet. Just announce the pregnancy. The leave is a SEPARATE Convo. You can reassure boss you will follow up about that and that you’ll have plenty of time to come up with a plan together.
GCA says
Depends on how big your org is and what the maternity cover requires – but when I told my bosses about my second pregnancy, I was midlevel at a very, VERY small communications agency. I disclosed first, then followed up soon after with a spreadsheet for my leave, the projects/ events for which I’d need cover, and a handover proposal for discussion.
Anonymous says
No leave?! Not even FMLA? Why would you take that job
Cornellian says
I thought I was one and done, ha. And I have pushed for years for caretaker leave (for non-self-interested reasons) but here we are in a red state.
Anon says
Helpful.
Cornellian says
hahah
Anon says
How have you balanced career and kids over the years? What’s made you choose to lean out vs lean in? Has it been an active decision on your part or just what happens?
I have a big, mentally draining job with lots of stability that I purposefully scaled down on pre-kid for (much) better life balance. My husband had a job that was a lot of hours but was not very mentally draining. It felt like we had a good balance. Now one small child, (his) job change and (my and daycare’s) staffing issues later it feels all wonky.
I keep feeling torn between wanting to coast during these crazy baby years to make all our lives easier, but also not wanting to sacrifice my career.
Anon says
I’m a former lawyer who switched to a much lower-paying, much less stressful non-legal job. It wasn’t really driven by kids, it was driven by a move to the middle of nowhere for my husband’s academic job and the fact that there were no decent legal jobs (especially not in my former specialty, which I went to law school specifically to pursue) within reasonable commuting distance and remote work was not a thing at the time. But we knew we wanted to have a family soon and I really didn’t see how I was going to balance even a reasonably sane 50 hour a week, medium to high stress legal job with a kid, so that was definitely another motivation for quitting. I got pregnant less than a year after starting my new job and still have the same job 5 years later. My husband (tenured prof) works longer hours than I do, but has a ton of flexibility and no real stress or risk of getting fired. I feel like I should be more grateful for my work-life balance, because objectively we have it so good. Both my husband and I have the flexibility to go to events in the middle of the work day or spring our child from daycare a few hours early for a trip to the water park. We both have lighter schedules in the summers when kids have more time off. We don’t plan to use aftercare when our child starts school (to be fair, this is also made possible by help from local grandparents). But I still fantasize a lot about quitting completely.
CHL says
Second this! We have What to Do When you Worry Too Much and it is the kids version of my grown up anxiety books!
Ear Tubes/Adenoids says
I’ve posted a couple times about my now-13-month old sleeping like a newborn (he’s up every 1-2 hours and has been since birth!) and my pediatrician telling me I need to stop nursing him to sleep and then we’ll see.
Well, on a hunch I took him to the ENT and turns out he has mild hearing loss and significant fluid/pressure behind both ear drums. He’s never even had an ear infection so I had no idea! But very glad I trusted my gut. The ENT seems confident this is the cause of his sleep issues.
So, we’re going to put in tubes. My question: she left the decision about removing his adenoids up to us. The reason I took him to the ENT in the first place is because he’s a mouth breather and always sounds congested. She says they are “medium” size so it’s a little aggressive to remove them, but she hears my concerns and it could help. She also doesn’t have an explanation for the mouth breathing aside from adenoids.
I’m leaning towards removing them as part of the tube surgery…right? Those of you who have had these procedures done, any thoughts? This whole experience has been about trusting my gut and this is how my gut is leaning, lol
Anne-on says
We had to remove adenoids/tonsils at the same time as my son’s adenoids were very large (he never slept well, had a lot of ear infections and snored like an overweight old man at 2). It was a total game changer for us, BUT the recovery was much longer/more complicated than when we just had ear tubes placed. I’d still do it, but set expectations for after care/time away from day care appropriately – ear tubes was 2 days out for us (day of, next day) I’d expect at least 3-4 days out for ear tubes plus adenoids, possibly the full week if it also coincides with new teeth/molars (the whole mouth/throat area will be ouchy).
Anonymous says
I don’t have experience with this specifically but just wanted to say that my daughter frequently sounded very congested as a baby and even toddler and gradually grew out of it with age as her nasal passages have gotten bigger.
Anon says
i never had ear tubes, but at age 12 i had my adenoids removed (no tonsils) and does the human body even need adenoids? like what purpose do they serve?
Anon says
So, based on what I’ve gathered in my Googling while up with my son all night, they are part of the immune system similar to tonsils, in that they “catch” germs before they can make it into the respiratory system. Seems kids may catch more colds without them, but my son already catches every cold that comes into the house from his brothers, and he takes forever to clear them. Also, they usually start to disappear between ages 5-10 and are gone by adulthood. Interesting you had them out at 12!
AwayEmily says
I’m so glad you found an answer! And honestly I wonder if nursing to sleep was actually super helpful for him — in the same way that sucking on something helps relieve pressure on flights. I wish I could go yell at all the people who berated you for nursing to sleep (not people on here! People out in the world, I mean).
Anonymous says
I don’t have experience but my friend had her sons removed and it was a complete change in sleeping. He never slept through the night and now he always does. It also drastically changed his behavior because he wasn’t sleep deprived every day. The recovery was a rough week though.
Anonymous says
If your gut is leaning that way, I think that’s a good enough reason. I’ve had 2/3 kids need tubes but no adenoid removal and just tubes helped significantly with sleep (one went from 4 hours of sleep a night and no nap to 8 hours a night plus one hour nap the first week!). But trust your gut. I would be hesitant to subject my baby to anesthesia twice.
Momofthree says
I don’t know if I would say that removing adenoids is “part” of the tube surgery. They’re still different procedures.
We had ear tubes for our 2 oldest and they were life changing. Huge difference in quality of life. The procedure was relatively quick with little recovery time. Adenoid removal is a much bigger surgery with a much longer recovery time. For my oldest, we did a turbinate reduction (and they decided not to do an adenoid removal). Turbinate reduction was relatively quick recovery but the kid was still miserable for a day or two. Adenoid surgery would have been worse.
Did the ENT mention anything about the size of his turbinates? We had our oldest’s turbinates reduced with a laser- also a nose breather, also a bad sleeper. The turbinates helped a little, but he’s ultimately going to need a palate expander for his jaw & our ENT didn’t think that taking the adenoids out would help.
Anon says
My son had his adenoids removed and ear tubes inserted at the same time. The adenoid recovery was fine. In fact, I think it was easier than the many times when my 18 month-old had a cold at the same time as me or my husband! His breath stank like roadkill for about a week and he mostly drank milk and smoothies during the recovery period. He also needed anti-nausea meds after the anesthetic, but he has GI issues and a very sensitive system. He didn’t seem to mind at all and was in pretty good spirits. I’m glad we removed the adenoids in his case because his mouth breathing was affecting his tongue placement and his language development.
anon says
Just do the tubes, in my opinion. DD got tubes at 14 months and it literally changed our outlook on parenthood ha. She was SO miserable before they were put in and the surgery (“surgery”?) itself was so flipping easy. Next to zero recovery. I’d start there and see what it does, then tackle adenoids later if noting improves. As someone else said, removing adenoids is not “part” of the ear tube procedure, so you’re not really getting any material bang for your buck by doing them together apart from sparring a second round of anesthesia, though DD was out for all of 7 minutes for the tubes.
Hair help says
Appreciate advice on caring for daughter’s hair (she is 4). She has lots of very fine wavy/curly hair. It feels like we haven’t found a great shampoo that gets it clean but not weighed down. It also gets quite knotty at night (often hair is still wet from the bath)-should I be doing some sort of special pillow or bonnet? And we use detangler to help brush but am wondering if there are particular products that are important for curlier hair? Mine has always been very straight and smooth so out of my comfort zone here
Anon says
My 5YO has 3B curls and is a quarter hispanic but otherwise northern european if that helps you get a sense of the texture I am working with, it is very fine but also very thick (meaning a lot of it). We use the J and J orange kids (but still tear free) shampoo (“curl defining”) and the J and J white ultra hydrating kids conditioner. I then scrunch it dry with a towel (should probably use a t-shirt but she likes her towel), use the purology detangler (multi-tasking leave in spray) which is pure magic and comb it out while wet (using a wet brush) and braid it (styles vary because she has opinions about her hair, often a half pony (we are still growing her bangs out) with a low braid, or braided pigtails or a french braid or french-braided pigtails). She goes to sleep with the braid and then either takes it out in the morning if she wants to leave her hair down or leaves it in a braid (because, opinions). I rinse her hair every night, but we only wash it 2-3 nights per week unless she is covered in mud or was in the chlorinated pool.
Anonymous says
My kids do so much better when we brush and loosely braid their hair at night.
Anonymous says
I think we’re in the same boat. Obsessive reading of curly girl tips online has convinced me that curly hair needs lots of moisture. I’ve stopped washing my kid’s hair with shampoo and have switched to washing with Treseme Botanicals conditioner (one of many recommended by curly girl). Despite my concerns, her hair does feel, look and smell clean. I also use a detangling spray in the mornings. I’ve considered a satin pillow case but haven’t taken the plunge.
Anon says
My kid is the same and I have the straightest hair ever, so same. I use the sulfate free Pantene and then conditioner, but don’t wash it out. Then I use Aussie curl defining hair oil on her hair and fingercomb into a low braid. Then she wears a bonnet to sleep.
Anonymous says
If you’re using sulfate-free, double check the conditioner doesn’t contain silicones (generally anything in the ingredient list ending in -one). Sulfate free shampoos don’t typically remove those well and they can gradually build up. I use a clarifying shampoo once a month-ish on my wavy hair which seems to give me the right balance of clean but not stripping too many oils too often.
momanon says
My 7yo has medium-thickness hair that curls up like crazy in humidity. After lots of trial and error, we do the Aveeno baby shampoo followed by (out of the bath) Kinky Curly Knot Today leave-in conditioner, which also works as a detangler. It doesn’t take much (start with smaller than a dime size amount) and comb with a wide-toothed comb. I’ve also found that it really makes a difference if we can get it mostly dry with a blowdryer or airdrying before bed. Going to bed with it damp makes a lot more tangles in the morning. I feel like I’m in a salon, but she sits with a book and reads while I dry her hair for 5 minutes.
Amy says
The only way my curly girls’ hair looks nice in the morning is if they bathe/shower in the morning – once they sleep on it, it’s game over. I like the Wet Brush to use to brush it wet – obviously never brush it dry. I use the Curly Girl method, i.e., completely coat the hair with conditioner, which can be a tennis ball sized amount. I don’t use a particular brand – any curly hair oriented brand is fine.
Anonymous says
Based on my own experience I recommend a silicone free conditioner (I use, and my kids use, Curls Blueberry Bliss leave in) and, at this age, braid at night.
Anon says
Moms of elementary school kids – what are your screentime limits? I am crowdsourcing. I’ll go first. Currently I let me kids have 30 mins a day of ipad time. They probably also watch a show or two here and there, more on weekends if the weather is bad. Soliciting ideas for other limits people set and how they do it.
Anon says
~15-30 minutes in the mornings while getting ready. After school and weekends really varies. In decent weather (~March to November in our area) we mostly get outside and don’t use a lot of screens but when we can’t go outside we use it a lot more liberally. In the winter it’s not uncommon to have 30-60 minutes after school and for us to watch a movie (as a family) on weekends.
AwayEmily says
Same. Also, we don’t have ipads: all screentime is on the actual TV.
Anon says
I have young elementary (going into 2nd and K) and we do no screen time M-Th then loosen up a bit for weekends. Weekend mornings they watch TV until my husband and I get up and feel like parenting, and they get to do TV or video games from about 6-7 on F-Su evenings. So, late morning-evening is screen free and we try to do outdoor time, family activities, or just free play. One of my kids is an all-or-nothing personality so having these rigid time limits means he doesn’t badger us with screen time requests.
I anticipate this evolving as the kids (boys) get older and we’ll be looser in the summer, but it’s working well enough for us now…honestly, I kind of feel like this is still too much screen time (for my particular family) but, life.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is very similar to us, except ours are a little younger – K and preschool. No screen time during the school week, and then about 1-2 hours per day on Sat-Sun, first thing in the morning and then afternoon or movie night. Older kid is also more intense so having this set rule during the week helps, and we implemented this when he was having some behavior issues at school. I think we’ll keep this up during the summer, even without the school element as they’ll be in camp/daycare. Note that I have no problem with screentime! It’s very kid-dependent in terms of how much your kid(s) can handle, and their ages and stages in life. My kids are also not yet into video games, so this is just TV time.
P.S. these rules don’t apply during a pandemic/quarantine…
Boston Legal Eagle says
*TV time or Michael Jackson dance videos, I mean…
Anon says
I may be a terrible mother. We crept up during pandemic and I’m not particularly proud of this. During week, kids (7 and 9) have 1 hour each night on ipad. On weekend, they can have whenever they wake up 6:30/7 to 8, then an hour at lunch and an hour at night.
AIMS says
I guess I am a terrible mother right along with you. Maybe even worse! We do TV in the morning while they get ready (theoretically this could be an hour total but in reality it’s usually closer to 30-40 min) and each kid gets a TV show of their choice at night (which the other sometimes also watches – so two episodes and sometime even – gasp – i let them have an extra). On the weekends they probably watch closer to an hour or slightly over in the morning and then maybe another hour or two at some point in the day (this varies with the season and sometimes is just a family movie night, which I think is a lovely tradition). We don’t do a lot of iPad.
I don’t really overthink it beyond what they are actually watching and how. Mornings are strictly for PBS shows and I try to keep the rest to (what I arbitrarily consider to be) better-quality stuff. The rule is it has to be good (sorry Paw Patrol!) or it has to be somewhat educational and it should always be kind. Nothing too hyper either. No watching while eating food. And for some reason I feel like a big screen is better for their eyes so I try to keep them from watching shows on the iPad unless we are travelling. Same goes for the limited games the older one plays on the iPad.
GCA says
about 50 minutes, or two Wild Kratts episodes, each weekday after school while I get dinner together and on the table — they’re ‘on’ with other people all day and need a bit of decompression time. (I do too, but I don’t get any…) Weekends vary wildly depending on what we’re doing; if the weather is bad we might do a movie in the afternoon before dinner, but if we’re doing something much more fun (birthday party, soccer, camping) it can be zero. Kid 1 is 7 and willingly puts the tablet down after his two episodes. Kid 2 is 3.5 and needs some coaxing but we give her a choice of whether she turns it off or a parent does.
Cornellian says
mine’s entering kindergarten, so not sure if I’m your target, but mine gets probably 10 minutes a day on average, but often it’s 0 and once in a while 30. Probably an hour a week total. He also has a 25 minute online lesson once a week (a small interactive zoom group).
But I don’t know what they do at school, especially if a teacher’s out sick.
Anon says
Our very fancy daycare uses so much TV. It was a real shock to me because I think there was basically no screentime in the infant-toddler and 2s room and I guess I just assumed there was no screentime in the whole school. But in the pre-K room they have TV on whenever the kids are eating, teachers regularly pull up videos on their phones, and they often show educational videos at group time. It’s not a dealbreaker for us, especially with only one year left until K now, but it is one of the things I most dislike about this classroom.
Anonymous says
We don’t limit too much. We have an only child and activitely entertained/played with her pretty much constantly until she hit about 5.5. Then a combination of the pandemic and being in school all day led us not to care as much about screen limits when she is home. On weekdays during the schoolyear, she proably spends about an hour on it. When she gets home from school, she eats a snack and has iPad time while I finish up working. Then she has a bit after dinner before bed. Weekends are more free. Her summer nanny starts on 6/13, and I’ll probably re-evaluate around that time for the summer. I won’t say no iPad though. They spend a lot of time at the pool and going to other activities, and kiddo gets tired out but can’t really nap anymore and still sleep at night. So sometimes she really does benefit from sitting still for 30 minutes or so on the iPad to rest a bit. I’ll probably set requirements for chores and reading time before iPad more than anything.
And selflishly, I use iPad time to get my own stuff done. I’m not paying someone else to watch her on the iPad.
anon says
There’s so much variability in this. My K kids don’t get screen time on a regular basis at all, mostly only when traveling or solo-parenting, but their cousin (also in K) gets 30-45 minutes after dinner every night and 3 hours on weekend afternoons. I can see this shifting if my kids start requesting to watch things more often, but right now it’s not a tool we need to pull out regularly.
Anon says
Rising K-er here, but zero limits. My kid generally has a show on in the background, either on her tablet or on the TV when she is home, but she probably only actively engages with it (as opposed to it being background noise while she colors, reads, builds lego or does pretend play with her dolls) an hour or two a day. Haven’t noticed any behavioral impacts one way or another. And TBH, I don’t feel guilty about it. The content is generally very good (there are shows that she is not allowed to watch because I don’t find anything redeeming about them and they often glorify shallow or whiny behavior or girl drama (looking at you, Rainbow High)) and she has learned so many things (favorites include Gabby’s Dollhouse, Wild Kratts, Odd Squad, Rainbow Ruby, My Little Pony and some PBS and disney strategy or puzzle type games (some of which I find challenging!), but she has full run of PBS, Netflix and Disney and whatever is on her tablet).
Couple of recent examples come to mind. She was talking to her teacher about playing a lawn game the other day at a school picnic (who was surprised DD was familiar with it), and I would have staked my reputation on her not even knowing what that lawn game was. She also informed my father this week that pandas live in China and eat bamboo, which are also facts we have definitely not covered (and pretty sure they were not covered in school) and when she was playing “guess the animal” with my mom, she wanted my mom to guess a spider monkey (as opposed to a regular monkey). Her old-school puzzle skill (which to me is all about spatial reasoning) has definitely been improved by all the shape and puzzle games she has been playing. Also Sesame Street definitely taught her math and basic reading skills.
Anon says
I hope this doesn’t sound judgy (my kid watches more TV than average, based on responses here), but I would really re-think having the TV on in the background. Young children multi-task very poorly and there are lots of studies that screens on in the background distract them from what they’re doing, which causes learning and development problems. It’s better to have dedicated TV time when the TV is on and turn the TV off when they’re doing anything else. Also fwiw my kid learned about spider monkeys and pandas living in China at preschool. I’m not saying educational TV doesn’t have benefits, it does, but I would not assume random animal facts a 5 year old is spouting came from a TV show.
Anon says
Kindergarten and pre-k. The kids watch one show on each weekend day, nothing during the week. About once every 2 months, we will curl up and watch a movie. I like hard limits because there’s no fussing about just one more.
Momofthree says
We’ve got early elementary (5 & 6 year olds). They get maybe 20 min. of TV time during the week at night before bed although they have to earn it by cleaning up & getting ready for bed, with the exception being the 1 day they’re at my moms (maybe 1 hr.) Then on the weekends, when they’re with grandparents, they might watch 1 full length film or some shorter show.
They don’t have tablet/ipads although we’ve considered getting them kindles
Anon says
We’re recovering after having way too much during the worst of the pandemic. During the week, my first and third grader have to finish any homework, read for 20 minutes, and then can have screen time until about an hour before bedtime. Weekends they get Saturday morning cartoons for a few hours and then we’re usually on the go until evening, when we do a family movie. Sundays are all over the place so it might be several hours of screens or it might be several hours outside, or both.
For the summer they’re in a day camp at a pool so we’ll probably just say to read for 20 minutes and then screens whenever.
BC0205 says
We don’t currently have a limit but I think they average an hour a day between video games and TV. More on weekends. Thinking about limiting it though as they have been getting REALLY into the switch lately.
DLC says
Fourth grader is allowed 3.75 hours a week, specifically, she gets 15 tokens at the beginning of the week, each token good for 15 minutes of screen time and she can “spend” the tokens after her chores and homework are done. Or she can bank her tokens for later. This doesn’t include family movie night or other family watching like sports or what not. I do feel like this plan is on the brink of needing a re-think because she has been sneaking her Chromebook home from school and stays up late with it.
Anonymous says
First grader and 3 year old. They can watch up to 30 min while we make dinner (sometimes as little as 5 min) on weeknights. Sometimes we let them watch 60 min on weekends if we are totally spent, and once in a while we do a longer family movie.
SC says
I have a kid in first grade. screen time limit is supposed to be 1 hr/day on weekdays, 2 hrs/day on weekends. We let it slide more than we should, especially on weekends, and especially if DH and I can’t engage with Kiddo (an only child) very much and none of the grandparents can come over.
Screen time limits don’t apply when Kiddo is watching a movie or show or sports with a parent, which isn’t that often. We don’t really keep the TV on in the background, and neither DH nor Kiddo likes movies.
Spirograph says
My kids each have their own PC and we have video games and TV with various streaming services, all of which they know how to use independently — although we have the parent access code on our Switch, and we occasionally change the computer passwords if someone loses screen privileges.
Screen time, all inclusive: Never in the morning on school days, with the very occasional exception at this time of year for my son to watch NHL highlights from the night before on the tablet while he eats breakfast. Otherwise tablets are only for long car trips.
Weekday afternoons, it depends on several things, mostly whether I’m home, whether neighbors are home/outside, and what the weather is. The general rule is if your room is clean, you’ve practiced your piano lesson and finished your homework, you can ask for screens after 5pm. That doesn’t mean I’ll say yes, especially if it’s a nice day and all the neighbor kids are playing outside. My husband is more lax about enforcement, mostly because he wants to play on his own computer and that would be a double standard.
Weekends: We have family movie night on Friday night, and kids can have screens on weekend mornings after 7am (in reality, whenever they wake up, but we try to discourage them getting out of bed at 6 for Minecraft). We usually have various kid activities or church that cut it off NLT 9:30. Evenings are the same rule as weekdays.
Fallen says
Does anyone else find bedtime to be incredibly painful? Have an almost 4 year olds and it’s a one hour long process. He is just so SLOW, needs to change his PJs three times and takes forever to pick them, needs a snack/water, etc. I take turns with my husband which helps, but we both find it awful.
Anon says
I don’t have twins, so I’m sure that’s harder. But we started just giving my kid a hard cutoff. “In 15/10/5 minutes, we are saying good night and leaving your room. If you want us to tuck you in, you need to be all ready and in bed by then.” Obviously we would ignore the cutoff in a true emergency but just wanting another snack or a new pair of PJs is not an emergency. Also fwiw we’re a few months into 4 and I feel like things are so much easier than they were just a few months ago (generally, but with respect to this specifically), so it might get better soon.
eye contact help says
How to teach kids better eye contact? Heard my three year old’s isn’t great – need to work on it for my seven year old too. How do we get them to practice? Is it different for different ages? Help! Any exercises we could do?
My husband blames it on adults being on their phones all the time but I don’t think that’s it. Or is it?
Anonymous says
I never heard of a three-year-old who would make eye contact, especially not with unfamiliar adults.
Anon says
+1
EDAnon says
I don’t have specific advice, but my kids are good about it and we talk about eye color a lot (we’re all different!). I think that helps because they’re always checking out people’s eye color. I also make a lot of eye contact.
Anonymous says
We enforce eye contact for requests (“ask with your manners and your eyes”). Sometimes I tell them to look at me when they’re talking to me. Otherwise I let it go and figure they’ll grow into it.
EP-er says
We have this issue, but kid is older than three. Sometimes I’ll say “Look at me with your eyes” when I am saying something important and really want them to hear me. Sometimes at the dinner table when kid is talking to me but looking at the ketchup bottle, I’ll take the bottle and pretend like it is a person with a goofy voice. “Oh, that is so interesting! I am just a bottle of ketchup, but so glad you are telling me this!” Kid hates that, but it makes the point. Honestly, it is just constantly reinforcing that eye-contact is important and makes you seem more trust-worthy. And we talk about shifty eyes and how that looks.
So Anon says
I do not force eye contact with my kids. For my neurodivergent kid, he can either look you in the eyes or focus on what you are saying. For other kids, required eye contact feels aggressive. To be honest, the more I understand about neurodiversity, the more I see the mainstream idea that eye contact is correct or polite as an abelist point of view.
Anon says
Fully agree with all this. I’d also add that even for kids who are not neurodivergent, is often easier for them to communicate when they’re not making eye contact. This is one reason many parenting experts suggest broaching more sensitive topics when you’re driving in the car or walking the dog or some other situation where you’re not face to face and eye contact is not expected.
Anonymous says
Plus a million, thank you. The idea that not meeting some culturally-arbitrary standard of eye contact is “shifty” or whatever is not something I want to impart to my kids. Equip them to do it where possible and necessary, sure. Lead them to believe it’s anything other than arbitrary, nope. I can’t make eye contact with one eye, and I think my kids are already starting to pick up on how overtly and subliminally rude people are to me about it.
Anonymous says
My mom had crossed eyes that were overcorrected so she can’t make eye contact and people are awful to her about it.
Anonymous says
+1. I remember a grade school teacher telling my class that if we don’t feel comfortable making eye contact, we should look near a speaker’s forehead. That way they can see our face and know we’re listening. For my 2-year-old right now, we’re just focusing on the importance of looking up so that someone talking can see you’re listening.
Anonymous says
Similarly, I remember Career Services telling us to focus on the knot in someone’s tie. Obviously this was a million years ago.
Intense eye contact is actually really threatening.
Anonymous says
Is this a thing that is taught?!?