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If you have an Apple Watch, what are your favorite watch straps? I like switching mine out seasonally, and there are a lot of nice ones out right now, including this pretty paisley one from Tory Burch.
(There are also nice ones from Rebecca Minkoff; we’ve sung the praises of Kate Spade watch straps in the past, and on the way more affordable end of Apple watch bands, I still like this skinny option from Wearilizer.)
The pictured strap is available in green, red, blue, and beige, as well as some solid options in red, blue, and black for $95-$135.
P.S. For those of you voting in person today, here are some resources: Vote.org has detailed information on your rights as a voter. The election protection helpline is 866-687-8683. Finally, here’s some advice on handling Election Day anxiety — including an “Election Distractor.” (Also! Be careful about wearing political statements to the polls — for example, “Ruth sent me” — you may be turned away if you can’t turn your shirt inside out or whatnot.)
If you yourself are manning the helpline, another resource to keep in mind is Georgetown Law’s 50-state survey on what to do if you see militia today, with short, actionable sheets for each state. Please feel free to share more resources below!
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AnotherAnon says
Because 2020 is a sh*tshow, my professional photos will not happen in time to put them on Christmas cards. I’m debating sending photoless Christmas cards or New Year’s cards. WWYD? If you vote photoless cards, is there anywhere you recommend? I’m thinking charity wise but I really don’t know. Last time I did photoless cards was 12 years ago before I was married and I think I got them from Hobby Lobby.
Anon says
I vote for sending them late. New Years cards? I’m Jewish so this is what we did anyway but I usually get some late cards from people who celebrate Christmas.
Anonymous says
Send Valentine’s. My aunt and uncle do this, and they are always welcome. Or do cards with nonprofessional photos. My son is 8 and we’ve only had a professional photo (barely) once. I wish we had more nice pictures, but they aren’t mandatory, and most of my friends just use snapshots too.
Anonymous says
PS – I have always sent New Year’s cards (I celebrate Christmas but have a lot of Jewish friends) and generally they arrive in January, not before the new year. I work on them over the holiday break. I figure any time in the new year is technically on time.
Anonymous says
This is a good year to send New Year’s cards. Maybe you can come up with a humorous sentence or two like “After 2020, we’re celebrating the new year like never before. Best wishes to your family for a healthy and happy 2021.”
New Here says
A few years ago, I didn’t have any cute photos of me, my husband & dogs. I went to etsy and got a custom illustration of all of us and everyone loved it! It was cute and I love seeing it when I open my Christmas album.
Cate says
Love this – great suggestion. Have seen these really well done as well.
Anokha says
I love this idea!
lsw says
We did this too and it was really charming.
AnonATL says
I also vote new year’s cards. We are a mixed religion household so we typically send generic “holiday” cards right around the new year. It’s a nice way to reflect and close out the year.
ElisaR says
Just do snapshots! I want to sound kind but I realize it might come across snarky….. only rich people have to have professional photos on christmas cards. There is beauty in imperfection!
for what it’s worth I had a baby in December 2 years ago….. that year I did new years cards.
Spirograph says
+1 to snapshots. Every year I intend to get professional photos, and every year I don’t get around to it. So, I pick a few pictures that include various combinations of parents and kids (because there is almost never a single picture with all 3 kids smiling, and even then, at least one parent is behind the camera), change to B&W if the colors are crazy and clashing, and spend way too long agonizing over what layout choose on tinyprints or whatever. Not that anyone would ever tell me my cards are tacky and cheap, but I have had a few friends comment that they like the “real life” pictures.
I have definitely done New Years cards a few times when I was running behind. We celebrate Christmas, but there are several Jewish families on my card list, so even if I do December cards, I get generic holiday greetings.
anon says
We actually got really great photos with Santa last year and scrapped our planned professional photos for one of those and sent it after Christmas. I marked off “Happy Holidays” and manually wrote “Happy New Year!” because that’s kind of where we were.
I guess I’m trying to say a) send cards late if you need to! I give you permission! and b) even in a covid year, you may get a picture that’s really great that you don’t expect or plan for now. I have three kids under 5 so a picture of them all three smiling is like gold.
Cb says
We talked about Primary puffers earlier this week. They are 25% off with a coupon code from Cup of Jo.
Blueberries says
Thanks!
winter maternity pants? says
Any recommendations for maternity winter pants, snow pants, or even rain pants? I was able to find some maternity base layers but cannot for the life of me figure out what to wear over them this winter. I have a toddler so I’d like to be outside a lot in the coming months. I’ve been making do with some fleece-lined maternity leggings but as it gets colder, I need something better!
Anon says
I borrowed my husband’s. Not fashionable, but warm and dry.
Anon says
+1 I did buy some stuff in a larger size from the thrift store, too.
Anonymous says
For snow pants, I used men’s suspender style snowpants, left the zipper undone and wore my M coat over it. Not great but fine for playing in the snow.
Maternity outdoor wear is a vastly underserved market.
Anonymous says
There was an article about this in Outside Magazine a year or two ago. I think it interviewed women who ski and climb during pregnancy and IIRC, there is a dearth of brands available to serve them. I’d check it out though (should come up if you google) because there may have been one or two recs in there.
Anon for this says
Completely unrelated to the election, which I promise is all I’m thinking about… this is sort of a weird question, but we have three small kids and none of them is particularly friendly. They do great making friends, but they are NOT good at talking to strangers (or even smiling at them!) Kids are 1.5, 4 and 5. I kind of thought my oldest was an introvert and second maybe follows her lead and then third would be an extrovert or something, but it’s frustrating! And we do try to model good behavior, prompt them when necessary, have them place orders at a counter (back when we went places), etc. but it’s hard to prompt an attitude. We saw another 1.5 year old in my DD’s class at Halloween and she walked up smiled and waved and my DH and I had this moment where we were jealous. I wouldn’t change our DD for the world, but man, it would be fun to have friendly kids who perform for strangers and don’t just shut down and make bad eye contact. We’ve been struggling with it for my oldest for so long, I’m worried we’re in for another round. The mom of this other kid asked “so is [DD] a pretty serious kid?” and I wanted to say “no! she’s super fun! promise!” ughhh. But maybe I need to just shrug it off.
I’m maybe being unfair to my second. He’s kind of a fun clown and a bit of the life of the party, he’s just been in a sullen mood for the last few months – Covid and DD starting K hit him hard. I think he’ll snap out of it soon.
So besides making them practice, any tips? Anyone feel similarly?
Anonymous says
It’s normal for kids that age to not want to talk to strangers. Kids will often chat when they feel safe and comfortable with adults they know a bit. Like when we visit the library, middle kid spends the whole time talking to the librarians instead of picking out books, but he wouldn’t say anything to a random stranger in a store. I don’t think your expectations are age appropriate. Some kids are chatty, but talking to strangers isn’t a typical preschooler thing.
OP says
I guess I should add they are not great at talking to like our friends who see they regularly or their friends parents… See your point on age appropriateness though, thank you!
Anonymous says
If they are not great with other kids, I might be concerned but kids classically hate talking to adults like their friends parents or parents of their own friends. That doesn’t seem unusual or concerning. Do they engage with their caregivers like babysitters/nannies/daycare workers?
My BFF has a daughter who is BFF’s with my daughter. She’s seen me weekly since birth. As a shy kid, it took until about age 9 before she was chatty with me even though she’ll talk her head off to my daughter.
AnotherAnon says
Gently, I think you should shrug it off. This is probably my trauma parenting coming out, but kids who are super friendly with strangers make me nervous. It can (not always of course) indicate that they don’t quite understand boundaries and who is a “safe” person. My kid is the opposite: will put on a show for an adult stranger, but can barely take a turn on the slide at the park he’s so shy. Kids are such interesting creatures.
OP says
Ha! Hadn’t thought of it this way – my kids are definitely very good at boundaries! They tend to stick together at any playground I’ve seen them on, so I know they get turns on the slide too…
Anon says
i’ve been thinking about this too as i have 2 year old twins. one will say “bye” and “hi” to our nanny, but the other one won’t. on some level i think it is rude and i don’t want to raise rude children, but then the other part of me is that they are only 2. at what age is it appropriate to insist on certain ‘formalities’ and how do you do it without it turning into a power struggle?
Anonymous says
I think 2 is a reasonable age to prompt for formalities, but I wouldn’t bother insisting until kindergarten at the earliest. And even then, know your kid. Some turn everything into a power struggle, and even the most lovely kids have moods where you’re not going to get the desired response. I usually do something like this:
“good morning! [Child], can you say ‘good morning’ to [whoever]?” and then if the kid doesn’t do it, “ok, maybe next time then!”
This way, you’ve offered your own greeting, the adult knows you’re trying to teach manners, the kid knows what he/she is supposed to do.
Anon says
As the other adult, I hate it when parents involve me in these lessons, and I find it wildly implausible that whether a child uses polite greetings in kindergarten has any implications for how rude or polite they’ll be as adults.
Anonymous says
Study after study shows that first grade teachers can spot kids who will end up in jail. So yeah, if your kid at five knows the basics of polite society is pretty much exactly age-appropriate.
Anon Lawyer says
Oh come on, we all know that is about socioeconomic status and parental involvement, and the school to prison pipeline. It’s not about whether kids who later end up in jail are little sociopaths because they don’t say “please” or “thank you” when they’re 5.
Anonymous says
My kid avoids goodbyes as a way of coping with separation anxiety, and has since she was 2. I used to force her into but it created more issues than it solved. I still insist when it’s someone she won’t have separation anxiety with, like a visitor, though obviously that’s been rare recently.
Anonymous says
I think we all have moments of frustration when our kids don’t behave or “perform,” as you put it, in public the way we would prefer. I’m curious where you live. Even if you are modeling friendly, polite behavior, if you’re in a big coastal city where people pass hundreds of strangers every day without acknowledgement, your kids are picking up on that too. I grew up in the Midwest where you have to smile and nod (at a minimum!) at everyone coming toward you on the sidewalk, but that is definitely not the case where I live now. This is also a hard thing to teach right now with masks, since so many facial cues are covered up.
Anyway, it sounds like you’re doing everything right, some kids are just a little more shy. I usually find it helpful to tell my kids the expectations before I put them in a situation. So for example, if we’re going to a restaurant, I’ll tell them when we sit down, “make sure you look at the server and say hello nicely when he comes to take our order” and then just a quick reminder in moment if needed. My kids used to get a kick out of shaking hands and saying “nice to meet you” when they met new grown ups, because my husband and his friend made a ridiculous game out of practicing various types of handshakes and eye contact with them to illustrate the difference between good & bad handshakes and good & bad eye contact. We’ll have to adapt that to waving and re-train…
OP says
This is good advice. I need to prep them more. We’re in Texas, so there’s definitely an expectation of friendliness. I realize part of where i messed up describing what frustrates me is they tend to not give direct answers or make eye contact with like my friends (the ones they see 6 times a year) or parents of classmates.
It also just seems FUN to have an outgoing friendly kid. We both felt so bad that we were jealous of these other parents. But we both totally had a moment! And given we have three, I began to wonder if I’m just missing something? DH is an introvert for sure. I’m a pretty extroverted introvert. I don’t THINK it’s because of the way we behave.
Anon says
What you’re missing is genetics. You didn’t do anything wrong, but they are who they are and you can’t force them to love interacting with strangers if they don’t. You can teach and expect certain behaviors, but you can’t teach them a new personality.
Anonymous says
Eye contact and direct answers are hard for some people. Including, for example, my 30 year old brother, who was a hoooorrrible conversationalist until he got a job in sales (why?!) and his income literally depended on being more personable. If it doesn’t come naturally, it’s kind of something the kid has to want to do better at, otherwise practicing will just be a battle. If your kids are motivated by wanting to be like grown ups, you can talk about how there are lots of times when grown ups need to talk with people they don’t know well, and give your own strategies for making polite small talk until you can excuse yourself.
EB0220 says
I grew up largely in Louisiana and Texas, although my parents are both from the midwest. I moved to Illinois at 14 and I was SHOCKED by how much more reserved people were. Since having kids, I try to support basic politeness and also help them practice independence (e.g. speaking up when they order from restaurants). However I do not feel the need to make them be someone they’re not (super friendly with strangers). It’s hard in a culture that expects it but I think you need to decide what is truly important to you and your family and then stick it out. Also know that this IS a cultural expectation and not a right/wrong situation.
anon says
Question: “so is [DD] a pretty serious kid?”
Answer: “No. It can just take her a little while to warm up around new people.”
Strategies that help with my kids are:
– showing up to a new location early so they have a bit of time to warm up and observe before being thrust into a situation
– setting expectations and discussing what’s going to happen next ahead of the interaction
– practice in situations where they are especially motivated, e.g., trick or treating or asking for a gift bag at the end of a party
OP says
These are all good suggestions. Sadly, this was a trick or treating interaction that bugged me over the weekend – we generally practice there! (trick or treating at church). At parties they know they have to go and thank both parents before they get a party favor…
I think the problem is they know the behavior, they just don’t have the right attitude. So even the hellos and answers and such aren’t delivered in a friendly way? I wish I could get them to feel that way?
I like your “warm up” answer – I was a bit stunned because it felt like an indictment of my parenting so I got defensive. DH feels the same, so at least we’re in it together.
Anon says
Even if your kid were “serious” it’s not an indictment of your parenting. Sure, parents can teach manners but your kid didn’t do anything rude, especially considering she is only 1! Plenty of kids her age don’t acknowledge or interact with peers at all.
Introversion vs extroversion, outgoing vs shy, serious vs silly etc is pretty much all genetic, and I would gently encourage you to be a little more accepting of your kid’s innate personalities. You can expect manners (although I think these are unreasonable expectations for a 1 year old) but you can’t expect your child to be someone they’re not. As someone who has always been shy and introverted but is none the less polite, kind and respectful, your post and the follow-up posts are more than a bit cringey to me. Shy or reserved people don’t need to be “fixed.”
Anon says
Oof, I would not force your kids (especially girls) to smile at strangers. There’s so much patriarchal bullsh*t wrapped up with that. As far as people they know, in my experience it’s a VERY rare 1.5 year old that can genuinely engage another child in play. My DD is 3 in a couple months and we’re just now barely getting to the point where she can actually have something resembling conversation with a kid her age. Also, every interaction is different depending on the personalities of the two kids involved and who speaks up first – my DD is your DD in some situations and the other kid in some situations. She tends to be more reserved when the other child pipes up first (eg., her friends at school wave and say hi to her and she often doesn’t say much in response), but she will often go up to new kids on the playground and try to talk to them. If your older two are having no trouble making friends on their own, I would not worry about this at all.
Anonymous says
What you describe is actually similar to how I am as an adult! I’m sure my mom is disappointed, who is super chatting and friendly with everyone. This is an arrogant thing to say, but if it makes you feel better, I have tons of close friends, I’m close with my family and I’m successful in my career (I’m an attorney so client development is important). I attribute much of my happiness now directly to the behavior you are describing – I take a little bit of time to get comfortable with the social dynamics before fully participating in them, so when I open up, it’s because I’ve decided it’s worth it and I make a really great impression. It helped me avoid many of the pitfalls of “mean girling” in elementary school/high school by assessing the situation before committing. My brother is the opposite – he’s everyone’s favorite, and loves chatting with strangers, and he’s successful at work, and has a much smaller group of close friends.
You can have a healthy and happy life with either approach, basically.
Anon says
I am a super introvert and my kids are pretty friendly. We live on a street with small lots and my kids talk to every neighbor who comes out of their house or walks past ours. I hate it, because then I have to go supervise/chat, too (sometimes running out of the house because the kids were playing in the backyard and just ran to the front when they heard the jingling dog collar). I’m proud of my kids for being kind and willing to talk to neighbors but I also want to just bubble in my house/yard, especially this year. So, the grass isn’t always greener!
In public I usually just speak up and say the pleasantries for my kids if they forget – Hi, thank you, etc. Modeling is much better than forcing. Your kids are still very young, I wouldn’t stress.
Anon says
I also prefer modeling over forcing. My 3 year old still does not really say good morning or goodbye to her teachers, and I don’t think it’s that big a deal. It’s not coming from a place of rudeness, she’s just excited to get to her friends (in the morning) or to me (in the evening). If she’s still not doing this in a year or so we might get more serious about it but for now I just model the behaviors I want to see in her. Kids absorb SO MUCH – I’ve been amazed by how many of my mannerisms and verbal tics she’s already picked up on – so I think this kind of thing can be learned by modeling.
Anonymous says
Rather than going for a general change in their behavior, maybe look for some easy wins? Like if you have a friend who has some interests that overlap with DD, try to lay the groundwork ahead of time for them to connect on it. They don’t have to bond for life or anything like that, but your kid might be more excited to say hello if they know they’ll have a point of connection.
That said, I wouldn’t be too worried about this.
Op says
Love the idea of easy wins – thanks!
Anoner says
Trivial question to take my mind off of the election- baby is 13 mos with fine hair that is now getting in her eyes. What barrettes do people use or should I not because of choking hazard?
Anonymous says
We used those little sticky rubber bands. No barrettes because they could pull them out. Broke the bands at the end of the day to get them out instead of pulling on hair.
AwayEmily says
We avoided barrettes because of choking hazards. We did those tiny little elastics instead.
Anonymous says
I’m hoping others have tips for this! My 2.5 yo takes out everything I put in her hair and has since she had hair long enough to need pulling back. If it’s long enough, I had more luck using tiny elastics to pull back the part falling in her face.
Anon says
I would not because of choking. I have boys and just cut their hair (well, the older one. The little one took forever to get longer hair).
Anon says
We’ve used barrettes since my daughter was about a year old. She’s never successfully taken one out of her hair so I don’t worry too much about choking.
Anon says
I have a 14 month old and we buy our barrettes from an etsy shop called PrincessDream365. They can be put in one handed and do not rip out hair on removal. Plus they stay in really well.. and she has two different sizes depending on hair.. highly recommend. I’ve used them since she was 6 months old. I discovered her shop from an online mom’s group and they do not disappoint.
As for the choking hazard — use your own judgment for your kid and take them out before putting in the crib alone. I haven’t had any issues with my daughter taking the bows out of her hair and putting in her mouth. But she is not a kid that puts absolutely everything in her mouth anyway.
Anne says
It’s a long-term commitment, but I just cut bangs.
anon says
Yep. DD had bangs from about 14 months until she was 4-ish? Whenever she was old enough to leave the clips and ponies alone. I tried a lot of different types of ponytail holders and barrettes, and bangs ended up being way easier.
AwayEmily says
I have a kid eating question. Neither of my kids (4.5 and almost 3) will eat eggs. They both loved them until about age 2, then it was a big NOPE.
What is the best strategy to get them back on the egg train? We are a pretty low-pressure, Satter-style household (ie bites of new foods are casually encouraged but not required). I haven’t put an egg in front of them at all in the last six months so I’m ready to re-start the campaign.
I am open to any ideas. Eggs are my favorite food! They are healthy, they are cheap, they can be eaten for any meal, it would make my life so much easier if my kids would eat them. Prior to giving up I tried frittata, scrambled, fried, etc, without success, but I’m willing to re-try any of those.
Anon says
It wasn’t in your list, so did you also try hard boiled? That’s the only way my almost 3 yo eats eggs. I’m a big fan of not forcing food so we just offer new foods regularly and if she doesn’t want to eat it, she doesn’t have to. I know other people take a different approach though, and my kid is quite picky so who knows if my method is any good.
Anon says
One of my kids likes egg salad, go figure
Anokha says
My kid won’t eat scrambled eggs or hard-boiled, but she likes quiche.
Spirograph says
What about breakfast burritos? My kids love anything in a tortilla.
Try different spices on the scrambled eggs. One of my kids likes Old Bay all over his scrambled eggs. Another likes them mixed with pesto.
Also take advantage of FOMO: My husband and I eat fried eggs on toast for breakfast often; the kids never ask for it, but as soon as they see us enjoying it, they all want a bite.
We also have a couple favorite dinners with a fried egg in them – Italian baked eggs, quinoa bowls, and bibimbap. Poking a fried egg and mixing it with other stuff is apparently really fun.
Anon says
I make little mini-muffin quiche thingies with cheese and zucchini! My kid also loves this not exactly healthy dish: https://thehappyfoodie.co.uk/recipes/yotam-ottolenghis-courgette-and-ciabatta-frittata
SC says
My kid doesn’t like eggs in any way, shape, or form. He even spit them out as a baby, when he ate basically everything else. I introduce them every now and then by putting a teaspoon of egg on his plate when DH and I are eating eggs. He’s warming up to scrambled egg, and he’s moved from a 0 to a 2 on a 10-point scale–that is, he will now voluntarily eat one bite.
I get it, eggs are convenient and cheap. Kiddo’s best friend eats 2 eggs every single morning for breakfast, and his parents never have to think about whether he gets enough protein. But sometimes, our kids just don’t conform to our wishes or do what would make our lives easier. My mom’s life would have been much easier if I’d been a morning person, and my weekend mornings would be much pleasanter for me if Kiddo were not quite so energetic at 7 am.
Anon says
Ham and cheesy scrambled eggs (or other very flavorful mix ins – add lots). I also offer ketchup if they want because that’s how I prefer my eggs.
AnotherAnon says
Have you tried adding ketchup?
Anon says
My kiddo won’t touch eggs (exacerbated I’m sure by the egg allergy she has since grown out of). I personally do not care for eggs, but they are DH’s favorite food. The closest we’ve gotten her to eggs is french toast, which she will eat, and at least gets her used to an eggy flavor (why I personally don’t like french toast). Any other variation is a hard no, but that is consistent with her approach to any food other than her core favorites.
Blueridge29 says
My oldest was like this and started trying eggs again at age 6. He will now eat them, but only in frittatas or burritos. It drove me crazy that he stopped eating them, but we just kept serving them.
anon. says
So this is late but I do not like eggs and my kids don’t either. HOWEVER I will eat egg whites – the yolk is the flavor I don’t like. Try buying a carton of egg whites and see if that works with some of your recipes…
If all else fails, throw a few sprinkles on them!
Anon says
following up on the kid behavior questions – at what age do kids really start to respond to verbal cues from other kids. my 2 year old DD seems to be very verbal for her age, so if she is playing with something and another kid comes and grabs it she will say “but i was using that,” but will make no attempt to grab it back. or will ask a kid for a red crayon or something and no response, but she won’t just take it. she is not a very aggressive kid, which is fine, that’s her personality, but i do want her to be able to stand up for herself and not be a pushover
Spirograph says
Gently, there is nothing you need to worry about here. She is doing great to say, “but I was using that” rather than hitting/grabbing/throwing a fit/any other common toddler reaction. If she really wants it back, coach her to keep using her words, and continue with, “can I have it back please?” In my experience, it’s very unlikely the other 2 year old will give the thing back. So then what? do you want your daughter to physically wrest control of the toy back from the other kid? that’s not an improvement! If she is sad that she can’t play with the toy, she’ll probably come crying to you or another adult, and then you can coach through the conversation/negotiation about sharing the toy. But if she thinks “meh, moving on” and just finds a different toy, that’s not being a pushover, that’s a *very* good skill of knowing which battles aren’t worth picking.
As for the example about asking for the crayon, if you see something like that, you can either remind her to get the other kid’s attention first by using his/her name, or you can teach her to say “excuse me” and reach across in front. But honestly, I’d 100% let this sort itself out.
anon says
This skill comes for many kids between 3-4 yo, others between 4-5 yo. My 7 yo is still working on it. I’d just let her be a toddler, model behavior when you can, but not worry about it at all.
AwayEmily says
My husband and I have had this debate, too. When her little brother takes something from her, my 4.5yo will do nothing, cry, or come to us, but not try to grab it back. He thinks she’s being a pushover, I think this is AWESOME. Nobody should be grabbing things from other people! She is using other skills (signaling distress, appealing to authority) to get what she wants. And, as Spirograph points out, she’s picking her battles, which is a good thing.
Anon says
appreciate this perspective. i guess my concern is that she almost always does nothing. she doesn’t usually cry or go to an adult. so it seems more like giving up on all battles rather than picking some battles, but maybe i will give myself permission to wait a few years to worry about it
Anonymous says
Yes please do.
Anon says
I think in daycare they are sort of taught to do nothing. At least at my center, they’re very big on kids using their words and a teacher will try to swoop in and intervene when a kid says “that was mine!” or something like that, but if the teacher is distracted and doesn’t intervene (which I assume happens fairly frequently) and the other kid doesn’t understand, the kid can’t grab or pull the toy away. The lesson is you use your words and if your words don’t work, then you move on. I think you would get pushback from daycare teachers if you were teaching your child to grab the toy back. They have lots of time to learn to stand up for themselves verbally, I think at 2 learning that you don’t hit/push/grab is a much more important lesson.
Anon says
what lesson does the kid who does the grabbing learn from this interaction? that they can just keep whatever they take if no one notices?
AwayEmily says
To anon at 1:09: no, they learn that the 80% of the time the teacher is watching, they will be reprimanded and learn they did something wrong. And in the 10% of the time they “get away with it,” they (hopefully) feel bad that they obviously upset their friend. I think the idea is to teach kids “we don’t grab because it’s wrong,” not “we don’t grab because if we do we get punched in the face.” Instilling that internal moral compass takes time, and teaching kids to punch back if something gets taken seems counterproductive to that goal.
Anon says
Yeah, all kids get away with sh!t behind a teacher’s back. It doesn’t mean they’re learning it’s ok, because when they do get caught they get reprimanded.
anon says
Yeah, at 4.5 my kid would sock the other child in the face. It was a huge problem. You’re much better situated.
Anon says
This is where you could come in. If you see these interactions, you can join in and help give her the words/model for her what to do. Obviously you can’t grab a toy back from a child, but you can prevent the toy stealing in the first place by putting your hand on the toy and saying, “X is using this right now, you can use it when she’s done.” Or with the crayon, you can let your daughter know that you see she wants it and you are proud of her for asking. I wouldn’t necessarily do this every time, but I do think parents could/should shadow toddlers during play time at certain points to help them navigate the situation.
For the record, I had the very aggressive toddler who took things and bopped other kids and it was so embarrassing. I did have to shadow him quite a bit. (My second toddler is the opposite. Personalities are so unique!)
Anon says
I worried about that with my son. The teachers even commented to us about how he let people take toys from him without hitting or biting. He is and was verbally advanced. I am proud that he didn’t hurt people (he’s still good about it with his little brother). We encourage him to stand up for himself, his friends, and his brother when it matters. But if he doesn’t care about the toy, then he doesn’t care about the toy.
lsw says
The day of kid behavior questions! I think the answer to this “is this normal” question is “yes,” but I still need the reassurance. Our four year old never really had an awful terrible twos or threenager stage except for one period of a few months where he really fought at daycare pickup every day. That sort of anger has returned and it just feels like it is happening all the time. Back then it was because he couldn’t talk about his emotions (slight speech delay). Now he will name his emotions but he just skyrockets off in an instant. It’s also very frenetic – this morning he went from the slight-weird four year old style declarations of love (I love you so so much! I like you very much! I love your whole body! I am going to listen to you!) to “I hate you! I don’t like you!” and spitting (a big no no, so kind of his go-to move), licking (he knows I can’t stand this even though I try to react mildly), swinging hands at our faces, etc.
The common wisdom I guess is “let them feel their feelings” but it is really hard! And the spitting/hitting part is just infuriating. He won’t sit for time outs and it just feels like chaos. Is this normal? Am I a terrible parent? Will he grow out of this or be a bizarre mood-swinging child forever? Ahhhh
AwayEmily says
I am no more of an expert than you but I think the fact that he’s been pretty even-keeled for most of his life suggests that that is the norm, and he will probably go back to it once this weird developmental blip is over. I know “wait it out” is not very helpful advice when someone is literally licking your face (ew), but I bet it will pass sooner than you think. My kids also go through intense emotional periods sometimes. In terms of what to do about it in the meantime, have you talked to him about it? Sometimes they can come up with ideas in their calm periods.
Anonymous says
Ours get sent to their room for a time out. If they leave or try to leave the clock restarts. Only took a few times of doing that before they knew we meant business. We say ‘if you can’t play nicely you have to take a break from playing’. I’ve never understood the time out chair, it seems to involve an incredible degree of self-control for a kid who has just lost control to sit in a chair in a room with other people in it and not interact with those people.
It’s normal for kids to push boundaries. The best response is clear consistent boundaries and clear consistent reactions to boundary pushing. When I worked it child protection, the hardest thing to teach parents with poor parenting skills was to establish reasonable boundaries and then reinforce them consistently. Kids will push and push and push to understand where the boundaries are. Clear consistent boundaries help them feel safe because it proves context for how to interact with others (e.g. no spitting at people). If you move the boundaries, then they will push those.
Anonymous says
+1 our 3.5 yo gets sent to her room for time outs. And it’s only for really bad stuff like spitting, hitting, not respecting a personal boundary (like stop climbing on daddy when he asked 3 times), or throwing a toy out of anger. We don’t yell when we does these things just in a very monotone way say “I told you to stop doing xyz, now you need to go to time out. You can come out when you’re ready to play nicely”. And I’m the person who wrote the other week about DD punching me in the face! (I promise she’s not a horrid child)
anon says
Yes, that’s 4 yo.
If my kids are out of control emotionally, they can go to their rooms until they calm down. It’s not a punishment, it’s a strategy. Warnings will often be, (1) “Do you need some space to calm down?”, (2) “Do you need to go to your room to calm down?” and then (3) “Go to your room to calm down.” Learning when to walk away to get space is a skill. I reserve punishments for doing things they know are wrong, like hitting or spitting. Being upset is okay, but they need to keep themselves under control.
I understand some kids need a hug or adult to help them calm down. My kids bristle at this and do better with space. If they’re still upset after they’ve been in their room for a bit, I’ll go up to talk to them and offer a hug.
Anon says
Oh! I just discussed similar concerns with our elementary school counselor. One strategy she recommended was a “calm down” spot, stocked with fidget toys, coloring supplies, and some pillows for mauling. If you need to interrupt big feelings that have hijacked your kid’s ability to work on a problem, you direct them to the calm down spot. It’s not a repercussion; it’s a strategy to learn self-regulation.
In contrast, in my house, anything involving injury is an automatic time out, spent alone in the child’s bedroom or sitting on the stairs. This is meant as a punishment that also interrupts the behavior and it’s very effective with my extroverted kiddo; my mother reports that it was not at all effective with introverted me. And probably this will get me a call from child protection someday, but behavior I’ve designated “outside behavior” results in the child being put outside (weather permitting) until they are ready to engage in indoor behavior. I’d put spitting in the category of outdoor behavior…in my house, screaming is the bigger problem.
mascot says
For enforcing time-outs, the PCIT method was really effective for us and our spirited child. It also gives the parent a chance to keep their cool which can be hard when a kid is losing it in your face. https://pcit.ucdavis.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/50_twochoiceTime-Out.pdf
There’s also guidance out there about what to do if they won’t stay in the time-out spot and how to do time-out in public.
anon says
I am accepting that Thanksgiving with our extended family is just not happening this year. (I have thought through numerous alternatives and none are feasible for one reason or another, so I’m not asking for suggestions on how to do it anyway.) Any ideas for making it special for our household of four? I’ll admit that I’m struggling with this emotionally. We have chosen to live within an hour’s drive of our families because, well, we like each other, get along, and want to be together. I have literally never had a holiday with just my immediate family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings are always part of the picture. Part of me is semi-relieved to do less cooking — we usually host — but I still want it to feel like a holiday! We’ve already been spending LOTS of time together, lol.
We lost my grandpa this summer, which only serves to remind me that life is short and holidays together are not guaranteed. I know, I know … 2020 is “only one year,” but please be kind. This freaking s*cks and I’m all out of emotional bandwidth for being creative with my celebrations.
Anon says
I feel you. It is really hard and I think anyone who says otherwise isn’t fortunate enough to have close relationships with extended family. We will probably do Zoom thanksgiving. It’s not the same thing as being together in person, but it’s better than nothing. We did zoom Passover in the spring and it was surprisingly fun (although Passover is a bit different since it has a structure Thanksgiving does not). I am also excited about not cooking anything. We’re probably going to get a ready-to-eat meal from Cracker Barrel.
Anon says
so, similarish boat in that ive also never had a holiday with just my immediate family bc we usually travel. and last year i lost my mom right after Thanksgiving. also, THANK YOU for not having Thanksgiving with your extended family this year from a public health perspective.
when you say you want it to feel like a holiday, does that mean you still want to get dressed up (if your fam does that), eat the same foods, etc.? you could zoom with your fam after the meal for some kind of game. you could eat Thanksgiving in your PJs! Busy Toddler just posted this ‘thankful turkey’ that i think we might try this year. Trader Joes has a decorate Thanksgiving cookies kit, Michaels has some craft kits. growing up we used to always watch the Macy’s parade, and i think it is happening in a modified form, so could do that with a special breakfast
anon says
I do want to eat Thanksgiving food and watch the parade. We’ll probably zoom with my siblings (parents don’t do zoom, so I’ll call them). What I’ll miss is the bustle of the holiday and just chilling out together. Not that I can’t do those things with my kids and husband — I can! — but I’m struggling to figure out how that’ll feel different than any other weekend during covid times.
Anon says
I would get some of the items catered or ready made to make things easier on yourself. We had a rough Thanksgiving last year, and in retrospect, we wish we had just made the few things that everyone cared about ourselves and picked up everything else. For our family, that would have meant making desserts and one to two sides and getting the turkey + additional sides from Whole Foods or a restaurant.
Anonymous says
I would do one of two things: (1) travel somewhere as an immediate family, like an Airbnb or something for a change of scenery and, hopefully, a vacation from feeling like it is Thanksgiving, or (2) stay home and over-schedule every minute with fun activities that I can look forward to so that I don’t have time to feel sad.
Anon says
I wouldn’t travel unless you know you like Covid-era travel. We’ve taken exactly one Covid vacation and it kind of s*cked. With all the things that were off limits, it didn’t feel like a vacation for the adults (toddler enjoyed it though) and if I’d been escaping a Thanksgiving I think it would have just made me sadder since all the modifications to the vacation made it impossible to forget the Covid situation. (Caveat that we’re at the more cautious end of the spectrum and are avoiding all indoor activities as well as restaurants so it felt very “weird” – if you’re less cautious than it might be different.)
anon says
Yeah, I’m not convinced that going somewhere would help much. Everything is so restricted as it is; I’d rather have my creature comforts at home.
Anon says
I’m in a similar boat – usually host a large extended family, now will be just the immediate family of 4.
We each picked our “must have” side dish, so we’re making turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, squash/apple bake, and cranberry sauce. It’ll be too much food but we all love eating the leftovers so it’ll be a long weekend of turkey. (My gramma had a tradition where that Sunday she would use the leftovers to make turkey and dumplings and invite anyone who didn’t make it to the Thursday meal. We’re going to try making her recipe on Sat or Sun this year, maybe I’ll revive her tradition again someday.)
We’re making mini pies a few days ahead of time in two flavors and giving the extras to our elderly neighbors.
Unfortunately some family members lost their jobs recently so we’re helping them out with Christmas presents. Until that happened, we were planning to adopt a family through our local township program and spend the weekend shopping online for their gifts.
And that’s the extent of my celebration ideas. If the rest of the family has other ideas, I’m open to it, but they’ll have to put in the effort. I’m tapped out.
Anon says
My family is nearby and small, but we decided it was too risky to get together in person indoors for a meal. We’re planning to get together outdoors (wearing masks) in the morning, swap side dishes (we each have something special we make for Thanksgiving) and do some outdoor activities together, then go to each of our houses for the meal, and do a family Zoom in the evening. Instead of Black Friday shopping at the mall, we’ll probably do online shopping together while sitting in a garage or outdoors if the weather is warm enough.
Anon says
For *reasons* we do Thanksgiving with my inlaws and we host. It’s a party of 5 now (formerly 4 pre-kiddo), which is a far cry from the loud, boisterous 20-30 person Thanksgivings that are my family tradition. It was (is?) an adjustment for me, and I struggled with how to make it special. In a pre-covid world I would host a 20-30 person Friendsgiving, but I am not up for that this year even if I could find a way to make it (relatively) safe. For our small Thanksgiving, I still pull out the fancy china and the tablecloths, even though it seems silly. And I still make a traditional dinner, mostly from scratch per my family tradition, with a full slate of sides, including a number of my family favorites, ideally in smaller portions but we always have way too much food. We eat leftovers the next few days (DH will just reheat the meal, but I will sometimes make lasagna with leftover turkey meat, paninis with leftover turkey, fancy cheese, good bread and cranberry sauce, or turkey dumpling soup). While we would normally eat early with a big group, when it’s smaller I bump dinner later (think 6 instead of 2) so that we can sleep in and take a leisurely approach to cooking. I also do overnight cinnamon rolls the night before, so they just need to be popped in the oven along with some bacon that cooks while they cool on Thanksgiving morning. We typically enjoy (as a family of 3) with mimosas (for grown ups) before we get into the cooking. You could also stage a family activity (ideally outdoors) between the dinner and the dessert rounds if you eat earlier. Growing up, we would go bowling, but I could see a family walk, pre-dessert fire pit fun with smores, a favorite movie, a round of a family game if your kids are old enough, etc. as a way to extend the celebration. And then finally I like to wind up the day with a holiday movie since the only holiday I love more than Thanksgiving is Christmas! And we go (as a family of 3) to pick out our Christmas tree that Friday, so it can “drop” on Saturday and we can decorate it on Sunday!