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Some of the articles of interest to working mothers that we’ve seen around the web recently…
- Who What Wear provided some fall fashion inspo from around the world.
- Fashionista explained how injectables and fillers are becoming a new trend in self-care.
- The Wall Street Journal reviewed 50 facial sunscreens.
- Working Mother shared how the latest activity-tracking technology could adversely affect working parents.
- Motherly reported that childcare costs for working parents continue to rise.
- Quartz at Work offered three strategies for women to get the job they really want.
- The Washington Post offered an example of the impact of paternity leave on a family’s dynamics.
- The Washington Post also provided a perspective of a sober parent in the middle of “wine mom” culture.
- The Cut profiled Friends creator Marta Kauffman on how she manages work in Hollywood and being a working mom.
- Vice reported that nurses often tell women in labor to hold in their babies until a doctor is available (and sometimes even push against a baby’s head to prevent her from being born!).
- Huffington Post shared that Target will be offering adaptive Halloween costumes for children with disabilities.
- For your Laugh of the Week: McSweeney’s considered what Ernest Hemingway would write as a parenting blogger.
Also, do be sure to check out the news update over at Corporette!
On Corporette Recently…
- In our latest edition of Tales from the Wallet, we discussed how readers talk to their partners about money.
- Kat shared why she loves having dual monitors.
- We discussed our favorite and least favorite fashion trends of 2019.
- We offered office gadgets that make your life better.
Did we miss anything? Add ’em here, or send them to [email protected]. Thank you!
Anon for this says
The article on women being told to hold in their babies is worth a read. I was tilted head-down and told to hold my baby in for what I estimate to be around an hour and a half after I felt the urge to push. At some point my body took over and began pushing without any voluntary effort, which made the nurses mad. The reason I was given for holding the baby in was not among those mentioned in the article and at the time it seemed logical, but now I’m questioning the wisdom. After I was finally allowed to push, the baby arrived so quickly that I had severe tearing.
Anon says
I was told to “hold it” too but I had an epidural so I was quite comfortable. The reasons given were that the doctor was in a C section and that if I let the baby work her way down the pushing phase would be shorter, which sounded good to me. I waited for about 2 hours and then pushed for almost 1 hour, which was absolutely exhausting and I’m not sure I could have pushed for much longer. I had bad (third degree) tearing but my doctor seemed to think that was pretty common for first time moms. Overall I thought my birth experience was very good but I’m sure if I hadn’t had the epidural I wouldn’t have been so content to wait.
Anonymous says
I had no idea this was a thing, and I was in no position to listen to that advice during labor. I pushed literally twice when my daughter was born, and she was out before the nurses had any clue what was going on (I was not in L&D, long story).
Anonymous says
This article is terrifying to me – this is something that routinely happened from the 1950s-1970s in the US. Holding down a woman so she can’t push can cause cerebral palsy, mental retardation, etc…not to mention the physical and emotional trauma to the mother. I opted for an unmediated birth because they will rarely if never tell a woman with an urge to push, vs an epidural which allows you to hold off on pushing. There’s no fighting that urge.
Anon at 1:00 says
I was unmedicated and that did not prevent the nurses from telling me not to push.
AwayEmily says
Same. Unmedicated and was told not to push for quite awhile.
Toddler table says
Anyone have a toddler table they really
like? Something good quality that you can put by
your kitchen table. Bonus points for built-in storage. Thanks!
Anonymous says
We have the wooden Melissa and Doug one and are happy with it. It’s not super nice or expensive, but it’s real wood and just looks like a miniature table. No storage though.
Leatty says
+1
We have one of these and it has held up well.
Anonymous says
It might not be nice-looking enough for what you want, but we love the IKEA Flisat table with Trofast storage bins under it.
Anonymous says
I recently heard that you should bring like 20 boxes of candy to the hospital when you give birth to give out to the nurses and anyone who helps you. Is that really a thing?
Anonymous says
Is it a thing people do? Yeah, it is these days. Did I? Um, no. And the care I had was just fine. I feel the same way about this as I do about people bringing treats on the plane for fellow passengers when they’re traveling with a baby – it’s unnecessary and it sets up an unfair expectation in an area that does not require it. Opt out, people!
Anon says
I feel the exact same way. My friend loves to talk about how she brought 5 dozen freshly baked homemade cookies to the hospital. I think it’s one of those Pinterest Mom things and creates unfair expectations for busy women. My attitude is I’ll do it when we expect men to take cookies they made themselves when they go in for their vasectomies!
Anonymous says
I think it’s worse than bringing things to appease people on a plane. Other passengers didn’t sign up to be on a plane with a screaming baby (although it was a foreseeable potential outcome), but it is literally the nurses, doctors, & hospital staff’s job to help you when you are admitted to the hospital. Absolutely say thank you and be appreciative, maybe write a letter if someone goes above and beyond but for a standard L&D? come on. I could see giving more substantial acknowledgement if your baby spends a long time in the NICU.
Anon says
Yes! Why do people deserve food for doing their jobs? Nobody ever shows up at my office and gives me cookies or candy.
Anonymous says
Cosign. The nurses certainly didn’t give ME any food (the only thing available after my 10:00 p.m. delivery was crackers and peanut butter, so I had to starve until breakfast the next morning), even though one could argue that that was part of their job.
Boston Legal Eagle says
If anything, I deserve a plate of cookies for going through labor!!
Emily S. says
YMMV, but my mom brought brownies when I was in the hospital, and the nurses definitely appreciated it. When I dropped them off at the nurses station, the nurse asked me for my room number and said “we always like to leave that with the goodies so people know who to thank.” Interesting. I think I would have received excellent care regardless, but it did seem to encourage nurses to linger a bit longer in my room to check on me and baby and it was a nice icebreaker (Hey, thanks for the treats, now I’m going to prod your uterus.) It seems peculiar to the mother-baby unit though; when I was hospitalized for surgery in the woman’s unit (offshoot of the mother-baby unit), it didn’t occur to me to make treats for the staff.
Sasha says
“Peculiar to the mother-baby unit” — just getting new moms ready for the cascade of emotional labor they are expected to do to take care of everyone’s needs and wants other than their own. Really it’s perfect!
Anonymous says
This this this! And this is why I think we should all agree not to do it!
Irish Midori says
What? Aw, heck no.
Anonymous says
Why are we fattening the nurses up?
AwayEmily says
Thoughts on that WaPo “wine mom” article? I believe that woman’s experience and it sounds tough, but it is so alien to my own experience. We do lots of playdates, both in the day and in the evenings. I would say that there is alcohol available maybe half the time (usually beer), but even when alcohol is around, many of the adults don’t drink. It’s not that we don’t enjoy drinking, but because most families have two full-time working parents, it’s just not enjoyable to drink much. My husband doesn’t drink for health reasons and he reports that nobody has ever commented on it. After all, someone has to drive, right?
I’m wondering if there’s a different culture in NY/DC/SF? (I live in a MCOL Rust Belt city). Or if this is something more common when one parent stays home? Or maybe it happens more when kids are older? Again, I totally believe and empathize with her plight, I’m just curious as to how common it is.
Anon says
I live in a small Midwest city. I don’t see alcohol at playdates very often, but it’s absolutely a mom bonding thing “Oh I need a glass wine because my kids were such a handful this week” etc. I’m not strictly sober, but I have alcoholism in my immediate family so I don’t drink much, and make sure to limit my drinking to happy, upbeat occasions and not as a way of self-medicating (eg., I will have a glass of Prosecco at a wedding, I will not have wine as a stress reliever after a challenging day with toddlers). I definitely feel like my inability to participate in mommy wine culture has hampered my ability to make friends and connect with other moms. I really relate to the line “No is not a complete sentence when alcohol is involved.” If you turn down alcohol, people feel entitled to demand to know why.
Emily S. says
My takeaway from the article was, are people so insecure about their choices that they feel judged when they drink, judged when they don’t, and have to ask why someone else is making a choice? If so, parents, we can do better. In our small city in the South, I don’t see it as a thing. I’ve seen beer and hard cider on hand at kids’ parties or baby showers, and been offered wine while visibly pregnant at a gathering with kids, but there wasn’t any push back when I said no. I don’t feel the need to explain why I’m not drinking, and I’m not going to question a parent for drinking around their child unless it becomes an issue where the child’s safety is in danger. I definitely didn’t know the extent of wine mom culture and the need to label “sober curious” until I read that piece.
Anonymous says
I am so fed up with the labeling thing. Paleo, sober curious, Whole 30, etc. etc. I’m not sure whether people are trying to legitimate their personal choices by claiming membership in a larger movement, or trying to turn their personal lifestyle choices into some sort of moral code that allows them to look down on others who don’t share their preferences. I think it’s probably some of both.
I don’t eat red meat, think vegetarian food is tasty, and drink only when I want to and not to excess. Does that mean I have to call myself a sober-curious flexitarian?
Anonymous says
There is a funny thread about mimosas at a playdate on the main page.
I think drinking culture varies a lot by city and social group. I live in a mid-sized city in the south. On our street, there is a group of parents who drink together every single night and all weekend. But in our own social circle in the same neighborhood, there is no “mommy wine culture”–people might have one drink at a gathering, but that’s it.
In places other than big drinking cities (e.g., NYC), lawyers seem to drink way more than other people.
Anonymous says
I didn’t realize it was a pervasive as the author makes it sound, but I think to the extent that it’s a jumping off point for conversations (“oh man, today was rough, I need some chardonnay”) or served at play dates, I think it’s almost meant to be an equalizer and a talking point. We’re all coming from such different backgrounds any more and the mommy wars are so fraught, and even food is such a risky area these days, it’s like the one thing that a lot of moms have in common.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m in a big city but in my experience, there usually isn’t much alcohol involved at kids’ birthday parties or playdate-type gatherings (which we really only do with our long time pre-kid friends). It might be a stay at home thing? I know I’m more exhausted on the weekends after chasing kids all day, and weekends are when my husband and I typically drink, during naptime or at night/date nights. We don’t drink during the week as waking up early the next morning and working is not fun.
ElisaR says
i think the wine at playdates is fairly common in my circle. I’m out in the suburbs of NYC. It never tends to be a lot of wine bc we have little kids and it’s mostly us chasing after them with no time to sip anything at all. I am the child of a now sober alcoholic so I am sensitive to alcohol and assumptions made around drinking. Before I had kids I used to go out nearly every Thursday after work and one night on the weekends. I don’t do it anymore and these playdates are my social outlet…. the wine kind of makes it feel like a social event. I understand how it could make the author uncomfortable but I have heard people say “ehhh my number’s been retired!” and no more talk about it is necessary. I think it’s weird if somebody PRESSURES others to have a drink.
CPA Lady says
I’m of two minds. First of which is that alcohol use and misuse is statistically on the rise. The second of which is that big drinkers find other big drinkers to be friends with. And when they quit, they don’t know anyone who rarely drinks because they formerly had no use for those people in their life because they wouldn’t have been able to normalize their own drinking the way you can when all your friends are big drinkers.
That said, I do feel like there is a very strong “mommy wine culture” among my group of upper middle class, white collar, high charging friends with young children. I went to a parents council meeting for my kid’s preschool at a restaurant a few weeks ago with people I didn’t really know that well (so it wasn’t a case of me only wanting to be friends with other lushes) and the other moms were knocking back wine and cocktails at a speed that I found kind of shocking. Alcohol is common at kid parties and play dates. Most women I know had at least a few drinks when they were pregnant. It’s a thing.
Anonymous says
I wonder whether some if this depends on the necessity of driving. It would be totally impossible to have a moms’ night out with drinking where I live, unless the moms carpooled and designated a driver. There is no public transit and very little Uber coverage.
SC says
I’ve been to a few “mom’s night out ” events. One was at a Mexican restaurant known for margaritas, and the other was at a wine bar that also serves light appetizers. Everyone drove home after these events without carpooling. Everyone stuck to 1-2 drinks, depending on how long they stayed and how much they wanted to drink/spend. I don’t remember whether anyone didn’t drink at all, but I wouldn’t have been paying that much attention, and it’s been over a year (Kiddo’s last class didn’t have a room mom putting these things together, which was also fine).
Anonymous says
In DC suburbs and currently a SAHM. Wine at play dates is not a thing, but there’s usually beer/wine available at birthday parties. No one gets drunk. We also have mom happy hours where people may have 1-2 drinks. On the other hand, my SIL stays at home in the Chicago suburbs and her group has a big drinking culture. Like wine at 11am playgroup and bar crawls (kids not present, obviously). So I guess it depends on your lifestyle and social group?
Anonymous says
Also this article seems exaggerated to me. I’m not a huge drinker (but still do occasionally) and I literally NEVER get push back if I say “no thanks” or “no thanks I’m not a big drinker.” I know plenty of people who don’t drink for a million different reasons (in AA, medication, health concerns, etc…) and no one ever asks why if they give a flat out “no I don’t drink.” And if you’re with other moms…wouldn’t you also think someone might be pregnant and not pry?
Anonymous says
Also in a DC suburb and I agree that there are usually adult beverages on offer at home-hosted kid birthday parties, but I have never seen them pushed on anyone. Usually it’s like, “wine is on the table over there, and the red cooler has beer and hard seltzer” and then you can go pour yourself a beer or a cup of water as you prefer. I’ve never seen an adult get drunk or even tipsy at a kid’s party. Similarly, I’ve definitely offered wine on a playdate, but that’s me saying I’m going to have some [whatever] and asking what you’d like to drink, then listing your options.
I do get together with mom girlfriends explicitly for a drink either at a bar or someone’s house. But usually not with the kids, unless it’s a BBQ dinner in someone’s back yard, in which case that’s a grown up gathering that the kids happen to be playing in the background of.
SC says
I commented on the main page too, but I live in a place (New Orleans) that is more casual than the rest of the country about alcohol. Alcohol is served to adults (and sometimes older teenagers) at most social events. This includes play dates and kids’ birthday parties, where many people just put wine and/or beer out with some non-alcoholic beverages and say “help yourself.” (Obviously, this doesn’t happen if the party is at an indoor play place or something.) I’ve never heard anyone at any of these events comment on whether someone is or isn’t drinking, and I’ve never heard anything like, “Oh, I really need a glass of wine because the kids are such a handful.”
I think the attitude here is, “You don’t need to drink, and you also don’t need an excuse to drink or not to drink.” Also, it’s totally normal to drink during the day, and outside, and in public (but no glass containers). I like it.
Anon says
I’ve been sober by choice since my early 20s. I think what many of the commenters here fail to understand is that there’s a huge difference between declining a drink on one particular occasion, and being completely sober. Unless your friends are super judgy or their lives completely revolve around alcohol, nobody is going to judge anyone for declining to drink *on one occasion*. Almost everybody understands that people have early mornings, sometimes take medication that interacts with alcohol and get pregnant/TTC. The issue comes when you are sober and *never* participate in the drinking. There’s a huge distinction (at least emotionally) between a drinker who is not drinking on that night, and a non-drinker. Most people don’t want to drink in front of a sober person because they think (wrongly, imo) the sober person is judging them. I don’t know anyone who used to drink and is now sober who feels like their social life wasn’t hugely impacted. When I stopped drinking, a large majority of my friends told me they were not comfortable drinking in front of me and thus stopped socializing with me in all situations where alcohol might be present, which is many/most situations for 20-somethings. (And I reject the theory that it’s because sober people are mostly recovering alcoholics who hung out with very heavy drinkers – at the time I quit drinking, my friends run the gamut from very light drinkers to more heavy drinkers but I don’t think any of them are “problem drinkers” or out of the norm for wealthy, white collar women.) It’s the same with mommy wine culture. Is it weird to decline a drink at one particular playdate? No. Is it weird to tell your new mom friends that you don’t drink wine at all? Yes.
Anonymous says
I did not drink until my mid-twenties because I had been brought up to believe that a single sip of alcohol would lead instantly to alcoholism and also eternal d@mnation. When I was a non-drinker, only jerks made me feel judged for not drinking. Nice people did not make a big deal about it.
Anonymous says
I disagree as I’m a light drinker (2x/month) and have plenty of friends who don’t drink at all.
ElisaR says
do you think your experience with 20-somethings might be different than one might have as a 40-something? I think it might.
Anon says
For me, it hasn’t really changed that much. I’m 37 and a suburban mom now and still meet a lot of people who feel like they can’t drink in front of me. And alcohol is almost as prevalent now as it was in my 20s, although the setting is quite different (wine nights at home vs bar nights out, etc.)
ANon says
I find this to be surprising. In my circle, people aren’t getting drunk, so there’s nothing to be self-conscious about while drinking with sober friends. I don’t get why this would be such a big issue.
Anonymous says
Right. I’m trying to understand because I still don’t see how, if it’s ok to be a non-drinker on any given night, why aggregating those nights changes anything. I find drunk people really tedious when I’m stone cold sober, but tipsy people don’t bother me. Almost no women in my social circle get drunk anymore. So why doesn’t it work to say, “I don’t drink, but I don’t mind if you do!” and then cheers with your glass of soda? “Can I hang out at wine night even if I don’t drink the wine? more for the rest of you!” I’ve done both, and no one blinked. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, just that, like anything, you can make it A Thing or not.
Anon says
There’s a huge culture around drinking that non-drinkers don’t share. Somebody who is pregnant or not drinking because they have to drive home that night can still talk about what wines they like, can still laugh about tipsy bar nights in college, can lament not being able to drink at the moment and say they look forward to doing so again. Non-drinkers can’t participate in any of that. People have told me – point blank – that they believe sober people “judge” them and they don’t feel comfortable drinking in front of someone who has made a personal choice to consume no alcohol (and I think many more people feel this way and haven’t had the courage to tell me straight – I appreciate those who did, because at least I had an explanation for their behavior after I stopped drinking). This is my experience and it’s an experience a lot of other sober people, including the person who wrote the linked article, share. It’s kind of surprising to me that so many people who do drink (however lightly) are insisting this isn’t the case, when actual sober people are telling you that this has been their experience. Unless you’re actually sober – and have to tell people in so many words “I don’t drink” – I don’t think you have any insight into how sober people are treated.
Pogo says
Interesting. I think declining to drink in its entirety is more weird at work functions – my team in particular has a big drinking culture. The few people who didn’t drink at all had to really make up for it by being super social and not needing the alcohol to loosen up. It’s also just such a focal point of client/vendor dinners, it can become part of the conversation (picking out the wine for the table, or discussing which beers to try).
On the contrary, alcohol rarely figures into mom get togethers. Some people might have a beer at a backyard bbq/birthday party or a mimosa at brunch, but no one gets crazy. I could not tell you who had alcohol and who didn’t at any recent playdates, parties, etc.
Anonymous says
I guess I don’t understand why it needs to be an issue. If someone is in recovery and does not want to be around alcohol consumption, that is one thing. I would certainly respect if a friend were in that position and make a point to keep alcohol out of our social interactions. But if you are comfortable being around people who are drinking alcohol while you drink something else, why even tell your new mom friends that you don’t drink at all? Just say no thank you each time wine is offered. They’ll figure it out or they won’t, but I don’t think I’m abnormally oblivious and other than a handful of close friends with whom I socialize regularly, and one colleague who is very open that’s chosen to stop drinking, I can’t tell you whether anyone drinks. It is not something I pay attention to about unless and until someone tells me a reason to care. It’s like being vegetarian — you can be loud and proud about it, or you can just order a veg option from the menu and not comment on anyone else’s lunch. I’m a light drinker and last time anyone commented on me turning down a drink was when I was about 24.
Anon says
People ask “oh, so you don’t drink?” when you keep declining drinks, and I don’t believe I should have to lie and say I drink occasionally in order to have friends. I know it’s hard for people who drink (even very lightly) to believe, but this is a very universal experience for people who don’t drink, and aren’t members of a community where sobriety is common. There have been several discussions about it on the main page, where numerous people said essentially what I’ve just said. I realize that in terms of health, etc. the difference between no alcohol and one drink/month is not significant. But socially the distinction between being a non-drinker and being a light drinker is HUGE.
Anon says
I think there is a distinction as well between someone who is a former drinker and someone who never drank. I had to go alcohol free for a couple of years due to a medical issue. I felt I still “fit in” because I could laugh and reminisce about my “drunkest nights” with the drinking crowd or talk about what beers or wines I used to enjoy. It allowed me to be part of the conversation rather than something I just didn’t understand.
Anon says
I realize I’m late to this party but I agree that there is definitely a distinction between I’m not drinking today and I don’t drink. I don’t think anyone should have to lie but I’ve found “I’m not drinking right now” to be a solid solution to this. It answers the direct question of whether you want a drink that day but also doesn’t draw a line in the sand of I do not drink which absolutely puts people who drink (especially big drinkers) in the position of questioning if you are judging them. In the same way that if someone makes A Stand about being a vegetarian I’m not super enthusiastic about inviting them to my BBQ. I will of course offer vegetarian options but it leaves open the question of does this person think I’m terrible as I eat my bacon. If book club includes wine and Susie made A Stand that she doesn’t drink it makes me wonder if she’s judging me. I have plenty of friends who do not drink at all that I socialize with (and I’m in a circle of big drinkers) but none of them made a thing about it. One of them I didn’t even know didn’t drink until her wedding when I asked a mutual friend why she was roasting with orange juice (not my finest moment I admit, I shouldn’t have been speculating as to reasons but she’d been out to so many bars with us that I just assumed she drank but I realize now those were always soda waters and not vodka sodas). Of course YMMV but I find I’m not drinking right now to be a good neutral statement that doesn’t invite a bunch of follow up questions/speculation that you’re morally opposed to drinking.
Anonymous says
I am in a NYC suburb and everyone serves wine. Most people have just one glass and don’t even finish it but I would feel weird hosting and not offer it.
Lilyput says
When you have a babysitter come in from 6 pm – 10 pm, do you make sure there is some dinner prepared that she can eat? It seems like a long time to go without food….
ElisaR says
good question – thanks for asking because it makes me think I should consider it for my babysitter on sat. Maybe i’ll order pizza for the kids and the babysitter?
Emily S. says
I do, and I always appreciated having a meal prepared as a sitter. If I leave food now, it’s whatever the kids are eating, or for the grandparents who are sitting, a restaurant gift card they can use for the kids and themselves. When I used a nanny, I also stocked snacks I knew she liked so she could eat later, in case she didn’t want to eat with the kids at 6. (And as a sitter, the best families left ice cream or junk food and encouraged me to eat it after the kids went to bed!)
GCA says
Yeah, when we’ve done this I tell them ‘there’s a pizza in the freezer you and Kiddo can share’ as it typically overlaps with the 4yo’s dinnertime anyway. Just seems like a commonsense nice gesture. Some sitters may bring their own food, but I like to give them a choice.
Sasha says
I tell them they can help themselves to any food in the house, which is true. Typically I have them make a pot of mac n cheese for the kids. Beyond that, I don’t worry about nor care what they eat for dinner. /shrug. They’re grown adults, they can figure it out, and four hours isn’t THAT long to go without a proper meal, in a home where there are plenty of snacks like yogurt, cheese, fruit, nuts available, even assuming they don’t want to eat what the kids eat.
Anonymous says
Same. I usually make mac & cheese or throw together PB&J for my kids when we go out. And I tell the sitter to help themselves to whatever they want. I think it would be different if we were gone from noon to 10pm or something and there was no reasonable chance that they may have eaten or snacked before they got there.
anon says
I order pizza for the kids and babysitter. If she doesn’t eat it, cold pizza for breakfast = yum.
I feel like my fridge is often bare on Friday/Saturday nights, when we’re most likely to have a sitter, because we grocery shop on Sundays. So I like to make sure there is real food, not what I would eat (cheese, crackers, raisins, etc.).
Callie says
My nanny sits for us in the evening occasionally and she orders herself something from our Seamless account to eat after our kids go to bed. Sometimes her early-20s daughter will join her to spend time with her and our kids and then they share; if there are leftovers, I’ll see them in the fridge the next day and leave them for her to finish at lunch.
I don’t offer seamless access for our other date night sitter (but would of course say “pizza is here for you too” and “help yourself to anything” b/c they are generally just there from 7 (or even 7:30) to 9:30/10 once a week or every other week.
I guess in my head I offer seamless to our nanny b/c she is so so wonderful and I feel like she has her own kids who she could be spending time with and I want her to feel extra appreciated.
Our other sitter is just watching the kids about 2-2.5 hours every other week or so (during which the kids are only awake for generally the first hour and often have finished dinner by the time we leave) and I try to make sure she feels appreciated (i.e. I pay what seems to me to be a high rate and I always always generously round up) but I don’t buy her dinner too.
Lilyput says
OP here. Thanks all. We are not big on cooking, and it’s Friday … so whatever’s we cooked it’s almost done. I will stop by the grocery and get some bread and other frozen things. She can make some sandwich or something like that.
Irish Midori says
I will often order prepaid pizza to be delivered to the house and make sure there’s more than enough for sitter and kids.
Irish Midori says
The article about paternity leave is interesting to me. I think my husband took a half day off each time we had a kid, and I guess I never thought anything of it. But the article resonates with me. I always felt a little frustrated about being the “default” parent and assumed it was a gender thing, but I bet it’s not–it’s a forced to be competent thing. Have any of you had spouses take extended paternity leave like that? What was your experience?
With our third kid on the way, maternity leave and childcare timing has kind of been on my plate again. I may need to push back and invite him to look for room on his plate too.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Post again on Monday as I think this is an interesting topic. I definitely think that paternity leave, especially leave taken separate from maternity leave, is really important in establishing a more equal parenting dynamic from the beginning. My husband took a few weeks after the birth of each of our kids, and then took 6-8 weeks of leave after I went back to work. We have a pretty equal parenting dynamic and I don’t feel like the default parent. We both had “hands-on” baby care training and both became competent when we were home alone with the babies. I know not all employers offer this, but if your spouses’ do, strongly encourage them to take advantage of it! I think FMLA applies to both parents, right? So unpaid leave might be an option too.
Anon says
My husband was on reduced duties at work from the time our daughter was 3 months old (when I went back to work) until she was almost 11 months old, and was her primary caregiver during that time (I was working full time and we had no paid childcare or family help, except a couple grandparent visits of a few days each). It definitely think it made him much more self-sufficient and made us more equal parents. I still do the bulk of the emotional/organizational labor for our family, but that is absolutely by choice – I would much rather book doctors appointments and shop for kids clothes than load the dishwasher – and he does the majority of the day-to-day chores, so I think overall we have a very equitable distribution of labor. I have friends that talk about traveling for work and having to prep their husband meals and write out 100 step plans for getting the kids ready in the morning and I can’t imagine having to do anything like that. Both of us are completely capable of taking care of the house and kid alone.
Anonymous says
With my first, my husband was set to start a new job after being laid off for 4 months 3 weeks after I was due. Baby was 2 weeks late, so I got him home for 6 days. Luckily, my parents and then my in-laws visited.
With my second, DH had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He took a week off after the baby was born, then three 4-day weekends and half/light/WFH days as needed. Mostly he was on point for Older Kid (getting up/ready/to daycare) but occasionally could do a drs visit or whatever.
Kid 3, he got 2 weeks and did a similar thing. But then 6 mo the later, his ckmabpy hanged its paternity/spousal leave policy to 4 weeks. They retroactively credited him and even though he had a ton of vacation time already, HR asked him to make sure to take and make it clear he was taking the extra paternity leave- he’s in senior management and they wanted to make sure people felt like they were *supposed* to take it. So he took every Friday off that summer.
Anon says
I’ve definitely noticed a connection between men who took long paternity leaves and men who are equal parents, but whether it’s causation or correlation, I don’t know. I would totally believe that the type of man who takes paternity leave is the type of man who would be an equal parent regardless. I’m in my early 30s and I’m disappointed in how many men my age I know who haven’t taken paternity leave or have taken only a small fraction of what their company offers. A lot of those men have been all too happy to default to letting their wife be the primary parent.
Anonymous says
My husband took 12 weeks each time (same as me). Two right away to transition to our new family and 10 more once my leave was over. It was awesome and he’s an equal partner – no question. He was fortunate to be paid the whole time. I was not. If we had both had to take unpaid time, we might’ve made a different decision.
Anonymous says
My husband took several weeks with each kid. One week immediately after birth, 8-10 when I went back to work. He’s a very equal partner and I absolutely think being forced to be competent with babies was a contributing factor.