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I really like this no-frills travel toiletry kit from Pottery Barn Teen. I have a (too-large) toiletry bag that zips around but lays open on the countertop. It takes up almost the whole bathroom counter and a huge portion of my carry-on suitcase, so I mostly save it for longer trips when I am checking a bag. Those types of trips are becoming fewer and farther between, so I am looking to downsize for travel-size toiletries. I love that this case one has a hook, so it does not take up any bathroom counter space, and that you can see everything inside when it is unzipped. It’s available for $29, comes in navy and grey, and can be personalized. Hanging Toiletry Case This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon for this says
Daycare moms – I need a sense check please! In the year that my son has been in the preschool-age program at daycare, the program (across 3 classrooms) has had 10 teachers leave and the classrooms reshuffled twice. Big chain daycare with premium fees, so there should be some efficiencies of scale in their costs. Is this normal? We didn’t seem to have any major teacher-turnover issues with the infant or toddler-age rooms.
Anonymous says
How many classrooms are there? That seems like a lot unless there are a large number of preschool classrooms. What % of teachers is it? Anything more than 10% turnover in a year always gives me pause.
OP says
There are 3 classrooms; at any one time, each has 2-3 teachers, and there are 2-3 floaters. No sooner had my child started than their primary teacher left (ok), for a while the classroom was running on 2 teachers, and various teachers have stayed for 3-6 months, which seems an awfully short time.
Anonymous says
We’ve had two daycares. The first, in a larger city, had a lot of turnover. It was very common in that city for teachers to move from daycare to daycare, and I don’t think they were treated the best by any of the places. Our current daycare in our new, much smaller town (23,000 people) has very little turnover. It’s a family-owned business, and they seem to treat employees well. Plus, there just aren’t a lot of other daycares in town to shuffle between. If you’re in a large city, I think it’s pretty common. Has your son handled the transitions okay?
OP says
Hmm. He’s a pretty resilient, sunny kid, but I feel like it shouldn’t be on the kids to handle these transitions.
9:14 Anon says
That’s a totally fair position. If I was otherwise happy with the daycare, I just know that how kiddo was handling it would be a factor in whether I started looking for a new place. Best of luck!
Anon says
10 teachers in one year?! That seems crazy even across 3 classrooms. I think some turnover is normal but that is a lot.
Jeffiner says
My daycare goes through teacher transitions a lot, and has had multiple director transitions as well. Its a large chain as well. We looked around at other daycares, but when we asked about teacher stability, they all dodged the question. My boss’ wife is the director of a different daycare, and he says she deals with a lot of teacher turnover at her center. The turnover at our center doesn’t seem related to the center’s treatment of the employees or kids: some teachers get a new degree and a new job, some retire, some need to move to take care of family, one actually inherited a huge amount of money and doesn’t need to work anymore.
My daughter hasn’t struggled with any of the turnover, she loves her friends, and we like the daycare’s program, so we stopped trying to find a new place. All of the teachers, rather coming or going, made an effort to ease the transitions for the kids.
Pogo says
“We looked around at other daycares, but when we asked about teacher stability, they all dodged the question” +1, this was my experience was well. Most said something like “it’s an industry-wide problem and we do our best to address it”
OP says
Yeah – I’m not so concerned with my own child’s ability to handle the transitions, but more that there’s something about the management of the program that is causing teachers to leave, some after a very short time. Several just plain up and left after a few months, shortly after being hired, with no clear explanation offered. We did not have such high turnover in the infant and toddler programs, so it’s not the center in general.
AwayEmily says
Advice on kids and thank-yous? my new 3 year old is struggling and I’m not sure how much to push. Her daycare teachers threw a lovely party for her (as they do for all birthday kids in the class) and she is having a LOT of trouble saying thank you. This morning we tried again and she pulled her shirt up over her head and refused to even look at her teacher.
She’s okay with thank-yous more generally — when someone gives her a gift or does something nice, she’ll almost always spontaneously say thanks to them. But this particular one is really tough for her.
I guess I’m looking for (1) advice on how much to push it — i’m a little afraid that the more I insist, the more anxious she’ll get, but on the other hand I think it’s important and (2) strategies for making this easier on her. I will note that she’s a pretty sensitive/anxious kid in general and has always been deeply unwilling to do anything “performative,” if that makes sense. Like, when she’s put on the spot and everyone is looking at her she just freezes.
Lana Del Raygun says
Can you have her write a thank-you note? This includes a card that she has drawn a picture on and you have written “Thank you for the lovely party! Yours, Janie” on.
anon says
yes i would suggest this. if she doesn’t want to say thank you in person then she can write a note. just like now, sometimes i don’t feel like talking to someone on the phone so i can send a text or email (i realize sometimes in-person or phone calls are better, but i think that we all have moments when we don’t feel like getting on the phone)
IHeartBacon says
+1
It sounds like your daughter understands the importance of showing appreciation when some does something/buys something for her since you mention that she ordinarily says thank you. This just sounds like a case of a little bit of performance anxiety. Writing a thank you note would be a great solution.
ElisaR says
my son is 3 and I just bought a stamp that says “Thank You” so he can stamp stamp stamp a card (which he loves to do) and we can give it to the gift giver and it’s genuinely from him.
ElisaR says
obviously I explain to him that it is a thank you card and it is to show his appreciation to someone.
Anonymous says
I have a shy child. I ask her to say thank you when people do something nice, compliment her, give her something, etc. Sometimes she complies, and sometimes she doesn’t. To me, the important thing is that you’re teaching her that it is appropriate to thank people, and that others hear you do it so they know you’re all grateful (and so they know you’re teaching her well and don’t judge you as parents, if we’re being real). If she doesn’t perform, don’t sweat it. It’ll come with time.
Anonymous says
It’s too late. For ones that little, they need to be prompted to say thank you in the moment and then move on. She’s prob mostly forgotten that party by now!
Anonymous says
This.
Anonymous says
I was just put on our firm’s summer associate committee, which I’m excited about. However, I’m pregnant (first time), and will be 33 weeks at the time of the summer retreat, which is required for members of the committee. My OB says I’m fine to travel domestically until around 35 weeks, depending on how I feel — should I mention something now or just wait and see closer to the date?
Anonymous says
How far is the travel? It is coast to coast, then I’d be inclined to note that you may not be able to make it. I was not comfortable with longer distance travel at that time but ymmv. If it’s a short flight/drive, you’re likely to not be too uncomfortable. I know it’s’required’ for committee members but if you can’t make it for medical reasons, that’s different.
Anonymous says
+1 to medical reasons being different. I felt great at that point, but I wouldn’t have wanted to fly across the country because of the possibility of delivering and being stuck there. Your OB should be able to write a note, even if it’s medically safe for you to fly.
anne-on says
+1 – I think it very much depends on the length of the trip and how you are feeling at the time. Unfortunately you just cannot know how you’ll handle this pregnancy. I wouldn’t bother telling people you might not make it now, just accept the committee appointment, do good work, and then figure out how you feel as it gets closer.
Anon says
Wait and see until closer to the date. You may be dying to get away or wanting to stay home. No one is going to make a pregnant woman travel that late unless she wants to.
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
Agreed with everyone – wait and see how you feel; “required” becomes optional when you have a doctor’s note saying you can’t fly. That said, also consider what you are showing the women summer associates if you decide to make the trip. They might see you travel and think the firm is not respecting doctor’s orders about your pregnancy. Definitely go if you feel up to it, but maybe mention that you’re still “months” away from delivery and your doctor said it was completely fine.
Anon says
I don’t think she’s obligated to make that kind of disclaimer, and doing so would have made me really uncomfortable. If she is able and wants to go, she should go, no explanation to potential associates required.
Anon says
Huh, I have the opposite take. I certainly don’t think she needs to go if she doesn’t feel up for it or is nervous about delivering in a different city – obviously her own health and comfort should take priority. But I think going would send a really positive message to the summer associates, that is that the firm doesn’t involuntarily mommy track you. Even as a law student who was single and years away from kids, I was aware that a lot of law firms (employers in general, really) tend to bench pregnant women and moms when they don’t want to be benched, and it would have been really encouraging to me to see a visibly pregnant woman on work travel.
Blueberries says
I wouldn’t make an announcement to summer associates about my pregnancy.
I also don’t think there’s any need to do anything in advance about being 33 weeks pregnant—as of now, you’ll be fine to travel. If that changes, you’ll let the team know. No one expects men who are at risk of a heart attack to disclose that they might not be able to make a meeting, nor do they expect men who might leave to disclose that fact.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Recommendations on sleep sacks/wearable blankets? DS (16 months) has used the Zip=A-Dee-Zip since he was out of the swaddle, and is still in one that goes up to 24 months. Looking for other options to keep around as a backup/secondary, but I do like how his feet and hands stay covered and warmed in his current option. He moves around a lot when sleeping, so I think we’ll be in the wearable blanket market for at least another year or two :)
Cb says
My 20 month old uses the grobags – he’s in the 18-36 months and it is hilariously long but works just fine. He really seems to hate the sensation of blankets over his legs so I think he’ll be in them for ages yet. I only buy the ones which zip up from the bottom – they are so much easier to wrestle him into at bedtime.
OP says
Thank you, Cb! I always feel like you are great for advice since your DS is a few months ahead. What does he wear under it? Right now, our DS sleeps in a onsie with sleep sack over it.
Cb says
He wears thin pajamas – burts bees 2-piece set, so nothing too heavy. You can buy them in all different togs, I’ll need to buy a lighter one for summer.
Brir says
Op are you in the U.S.? We bought many gro-bags on amazon in 2017 but they are hard to find now! I think they are made/mainly sold in England? They are great though! My 5 month old has been in one since birth and sleeps great and my 2 year old is in a Slumbersac, which is similar but the fabric isn’t as nice as a grobag!
Anon says
We swear by Halo wearable blankets. They cover feet but not arms/hands, which is ideal for my LO (she uses her fingers like a pacifier and sucks them until she falls asleep). However at 16 months, she’s already in the biggest size (XL) and headed towards outgrowing that, so I’m not sure what we will do next. If anyone has recommendations for wearable blankets that work for older/taller kids, I would love to hear. I really want to keep her in a wearable blanket as long as possible.
OP says
Hahah well, this is full circle but I will say the Zip-A-Dee-Zip apparently goes to 36 months (just saw on their site – on Amazon I think it’s harder to find the biggest size in that brand). However, these do cover arms and hands. Cb’s suggestion has the arms/hands free, so that could be a solution!
Anonymous says
Halo has big kid sleep sacks!! Just look for early walker or “big kids”. I think they have ones that fit 4 or 5 year olds so you should definitely be able to find one that fits. We do the early walker in a large for my two year old (35 inches tall and 25lbs). She could prob move up to a XL but we only do jammies in warm weather.
Pogo says
We also use Halo. In the NE US where it is very cold (still) so LO wears a fleece zip-up onesie + fleece Halo. He has a blanket in his crib but he uses it more like a pillow (balls it up and sleeps on top of it).
We also have a couple hand me down Cloud B sleep sacks and they make them in HUGE sizes too.
Anon says
My 16 month old has been in Halo sleepsacks since transitioning out of the swaddle and she loves them. They cover her feet but not her arms and hands, which is fine since my DD likes to have access to her fingers. They go up to size XL (which I think should accommodate a 2-year old) and then they have this footed version for bigger kids that kind of resembles a flying squirrel suit.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, we’ve had a bunch of halo wearable blankets, including the big kid one with the feet out.
Anonymous says
We used to use a double layer of PJs when my son was an older toddler – thin cotton with fleece on the outside, or (maybe) double fleece when it was really chilly. (My memories are foggy). We had some hand me down fleece PJs that didn’t have feet and fit well over another layer. They were from Carters but ancient.
Anon says
Check out Woolino! My 3.5 YO is a blanket kicker too and he’s been using the Woolino merino wool sleeping bags since transitioning out of swaddles and the Merlin suit years ago. He also wears their wool PJ set (shirt and pants) for extra warmth if needed. Their marketing is right about the bag being all-season, he wears his almost all year except for the very height of summer. We’ve had the baby bag (2mo-2year) and currently in their toddler bag (2-4year)…he knows to how to unzip the bag and can get out of his bed when he needs to potty at night. Sadly, we’re probably less than a month of outgrowing it.
rosie says
We have a gunapod for my tall almost-2yo. Bought from amazon. It seems pretty comfy. Also lighter weight and a little cheaper, we have the Love to Dream Inventa one with all the zippers.
Cb says
Thanks for the What’s Wrong, Little Pookie rec. I’ve been reading it to him all week and he’s joining in, so hopefully it’s sinking in a bit. He’s started telling me when he’s hungry, tired, and sometimes sad.
Emily S. says
Move to a Planned Community? – Emily S.
Hive, I’d like some advice. DH is making noise about moving to a planned community that’s under construction near our house. Community will have walking trails, a playground, and pool; a mix of town-homes and single family homes on smaller lots. Our current house (5 years old, 3 stories, big backyard) is on the nicest street in the neighborhood, but the surrounding streets have turned over and fringe neighborhoods are showing their age (50’s era tract housing that are not universally maintained.) No sidewalks, trails, amenities, etc. in our current hood — DH thinks it lacks community, and as our kids are 4 and 2, wants them to have safe places to learn to ride bikes, playmates, etc. (Same school district.) Also, our home has increased in value by about $100k and if the surrounding neighborhoods are starting to dip, we’d like to get out with the equity. We could comfortably afford moving and the new mortgage, HOA, etc. Any of you made a similar move? Is it worth it? Is now a good time, before kids get older?
mascot says
I don’t know that it is a “planned community” but we live in an established gated neighborhood that was developed in phases and is governed by an HOA. So probably similar? We have neighborhood amenities like a pool, tennis courts, dock, playground. Lots of kids and families and quarterly social events. We love it. There is an HOA so we have to get permission to do certain things, but for the most part, the volunteers on it seem fairly reasonable. The pros outweigh the cons for us.
With a new community, you will probably have construction going on for a while and it make take some time to fill in. But, if you are okay with that, I think it’s worth looking at.
Cb says
That sounds great! I’d definitely consider it. I grew up in a neighbourhood with cul de sacs, a pool, and a small park and it was fantastic. The parents really bonded and we could run around the block all weekend and someone was always keeping an eye on us. I’m 34 and my parents are still close with several of the families.
Anon says
My only concern would be if the land near the planned community is undeveloped/farmland. I’m in the Midwest and a lot of planned communities back up against cornfields. I’d be a bit nervous living right next to farmers using industrial-strength pesticides, especially since little kids are so much more susceptible to them. Otherwise, it sounds great. We have a really nice park in our neighborhood and are already getting so much enjoyment out of walking over there after work with our young toddler. I’d love to have a community pool!
EB0220 says
I grew up in a very planned community and now live in a similar community (not quite as planned). I grew up with greenways and sidewalks connecting everything – friends’ houses, pool, playground, school and library. In practice, that meant a ton of freedom relatively early. It was awesome. (I know it was the 90’s and a different time but I would feel comfortable with my kids doing what I did then.) We now live in a similar community. It’s not quite as planned but we have sidewalks and greenways. We walk to the pool and playground. It’s great. I think planned communities also have more social activities for residents, which is helpful for meeting people. Something I don’t like is that since it’s all residential there aren’t any restaurants/stores that are super close. So that’s a tradeoff.
anon says
It sounds like you aren’t in love with where you are so go for it! It sounds like a great place to raise children. I did not grow up in a neighborhood like that. It was super hilly, no sidewalks, no neighborhood pool or park or anything. I didn’t know the other kids in the neighborhood. My grandparents, on the other hand, did live in that type of neighborhood. I LOVED visiting them when I was a kid. I could ride my bike everywhere (no big hills), there were tons of kids to play with, there was a fantastic neighborhood pool we spent every summer day at, etc. I looked for the latter when DH and I were looking for houses.
anon says
sounds great to me! wish i could move in
GCA says
this all sounds lovely! What do you feel are the potential downsides of moving to a planned community? Is it the moving part that gives you pause, or the planned / gated nature of the community? Is it lack of socioeconomic diversity? Lack of ‘city’-type amenities (restaurants, bars, nightlife, theaters)? Finances?
Anonymous says
For me, it’s that HOAs here are really wackadoodle (no parking visible trucks on your own property), approved paint colors only, approved landscaping items only. Fining people, litigation, etc.
I go to work and come home tired. But if I wake up one day and want to change the color of my front door (or replace it with one that doesn’t have exactly three or six panes of glass in it), I don’t want to have to ask for permission. I feel like if it’s my house, I ought to be able to do as I please, should the spirit ever move me (I know that there are zoning and general laws, but HOAs seem to bring out the worst in people).
Rapidly-growing SEUS city full of outer ring HOA-governed communities.
FWIW, I had a condo that was run by a COA, but it was all peopled by busy professionals and just dealt with parking, trash, and helpful issues. And b/c you really just owned and could alter the inside anyway, I didn’t feel hemmed in by it.
Govtattymom says
Happy Almost Friday! DH and I are taking our 2.5 daughter to Disney and to visit family in Orlando. We are leaving on Tuesday. We will be staying at a Disney property for 3 nights and going to the parks for 2 days. Any Disney-goers have tips and tricks to share? The best rids for little ones? The best snacks to pack? Thanks in advance!!!
Mrs. Jones says
Take whatever snacks and drinks you like and can carry. Assuming your sleep schedules permit, I suggest arriving at the park when it opens, napping/resting after lunch, and going out again in the late afternoon/evening. with a 2 yo, I’d just go the Magic Kingdom and maybe Epcot. skip Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. As for rides, try Buzz’s Space Ranger Spin, Dumbo, Small World, Tea Party, Pooh, Peter Pan, and the Carousel. Enjoy!
A says
We were just there last week with my 4.5 y/o. I would definitely recommend getting there when the park opens when the lines are shorter. We were able to pretty easily ride some of the low key little kid rides (Pooh, etc.) early in the day. After lunch, all bets are off and waits were over an hour for almost everything.
I would second the rides mentioned above. If your daughter is at all interested in the Disney characters, those meet and greets are wonderful. My princess-obsessed daughter loved seeing Rapunzel and Tiana, and we also did the Enchanted Tales with Belle experience, which was very sweet. Mickey’s Philharmagic was also unexpectedly a lot of fun.
Strategy Mom says
We stayed at a hotel near epcot and got the multi park pass one day so we could spend the morning at magic kingdom, go back and nap and then went to epcot for dinner. it was a nice way to get a lot out of our schedule
SC says
I second the recommendation for keeping your schedule–arrive early, return to hotel for nap, go out in the late afternoon/evening. On our trips so far, we have not returned to the parks in the afternoon or evening–we’ve either gone to the pool or just gone out to dinner and returned to the hotel to get ready for bed and let Kiddo watch the fireworks from the hotel.
If you haven’t gotten fast passes, do that. Fast passes often become available in the days before a trip as people change their plans–especially in Magic Kingdom, which has more fast pass options. One tip–since your child is 2 and doesn’t need a ticket to the park, that means she doesn’t need a fast pass for anything. You can squeeze in an extra fast pass by having the parents split up rides–so Parent 1 can take Kiddo on the Teacups at 10, and Parent 2 can take Kiddo on Winnie the Pooh at 10:30. (This also builds in a mini-break for each parent.)
My kid’s favorite rides were the carousel, the train, and all of the flying rides (Dumbo, Aladdin, the planes in Tomorrow Land). If it’s warm enough, there’s a splash pad at the back of Fantasy Land that my kid loved, so take a change of clothes with you.
I’d actually consider doing Magic Kingdom for 2 days. It’s big enough that you can do Fantasy Land on Day 1 and Adventure and Tomorrow Lands on Day 2. The other 3 parks just don’t have half as many attractions for small children.
I usually pack some granola bars to bring with us. I’m a sucker for park snacks though–there are cinnamon buns at Gaston’s Tavern the size of your head, and I love splitting those as a mid-morning snack. And I always get a Mickey Bar one day.
Govtattymom says
Thanks so much for the help, everyone! This is awesome information!
Newborn Swaddle Recs? says
I feel like the newborn swaddle market has really exploded. We just used Aden and Anais blankets for our last when they were really small and then transferred to the halo velcro swaddles after that. Anyone have new favorites?
I see Eva Chen loves Olliworld, the NYMag strategist likes the Sleepea… want to make sure we’re not missing out on something that would make our lives easier!
Cb says
Apparently I have lots of thoughts on swaddles. We liked Love to Dream zip up ones. The arms come off so you can use it as a sleepsack once they are rolling.
OP says
Ha, just saw a swaddle question was posted above! Sorry for the inundation all! Just shows sleep is important! But I’m hoping for advice for newborn stage anyways.
HSAL says
Woombie was my favorite for newborns. They do have versions where they can be arms out, but not the arms up style of Love to Dream, which I liked when they were slightly older. Both were great, I just felt like the Woombie was a little snugger than the Love to Dream.
Anon says
+1 for the Woombie. No busting out and I didn’t have to worry about it riding up over my daughter’s face.
Pogo says
Personally we loved SwaddleMe’s, but it seems swaddles are very kid-dependent and parent-dependent, so I might ask a local mom’s group for hand me downs and try a few different ones before buying multiples. We had a 3-pack of SwaddleMe’s which was the right amount for not needing to do laundry every single day.
Anon says
+1 to swaddleme for my baby. Bought both the small/medium and he’s now in the medium/large size. About to start transitioning out since he’s 4 months and dreading it!
NYCer says
We use swaddleme as well. I love the Aden and anais swaddle blankets as blankets when I’m just holding the baby (or to throw in the diaper bag, etc.) but never use them to swaddle while she is sleeping.
Anonymous says
It really depends on the baby. Our older one did well in halo sleepsack swaddles that kept his arms down by his sides. Current one hated that after about 3 months because he really wanted his hands together. The Woombie was great for us from 3-7 months (when we had to stop swaddling, sigh) because his hands could be together and there was no escape.
Anonymous says
What factors influenced your decision regarding who to appoint as guardians in a will?
Husband and I are trying to decide among our siblings, all of whom are wonderful people who would love our children as their own. Only one and spouse live in our area and could feasibly keep kids in same schools, with friends, etc. But they are probably the most different from us in terms of values and interests– not in a bad or unsafe way, just different– like they are religious and we aren’t, they like to hunt/fish/camp, they party/ socialize more. I’m just wondering what other factors we should consider. Money is not a factor for us.
My parents both passed when I was young, but the second one wasn’t until I was over 18 and out of the house, so I wasn’t raised by appointed guardians. I think this decision weighs on me because of that experience.
Cb says
We had a tough time with this – with geographical, age, and parenting concerns. Ultimately we opted for my husband’s 2nd cousins – they have young children, are applying to foster so are clearly willing to expand their family, and would provide the support and stability our child would need in the event something horrible happened. My parents live in the US and I’m in the UK so there was also a consideration of who would work to maintain a relationship with my parents.
Anon says
We chose my parents. My MIL is wonderful, but my FIL is emotionally abusive, so naming them was out as long as he’s alive. I’m an only child and my husband is not close to his sister, and neither of us feels like she would be a good mother (sorry if that’s a cruel thing to say, but it’s true – she is naturally very chilly and even when she tries to be nice, she comes across as distant and unloving). Ultimately, we felt like my parents are the best options, because they are kind, loving and generally share our parenting philosophy. They are also wealthy, so raising a child would be no financial hardship to them (we have life insurance, etc., but sometimes there are inevitabilities you can’t plan for). They also happily agreed to move to our town (potentially even into our home) so DD can stay in her same neighborhood and school with all her friends and activities – that was huge to me, and no other more distant family member with their own young kids and jobs could reasonably be expected to do that. My parents are older (mid-60s when DD was born), but they are currently mentally and physically fit and people in my mom’s family especially tend to live into their 90s with all their faculties. I have a lifelong, sister-like BFF that is aware of the situation and knows that should DH and I pass, she will be checking in closely with my parents and potentially taking over if/when they feel like they can no longer care for DD.
Aly says
My parents and family live about 3 hours away, but since my kid is young, I’m very comfortable with her moving. We don’t have any family in our city, so I honestly don’t see this changing even as she ages. I don’t think there is any best answer – moving kids after a trauma or letting them stay with caregivers that are quite different from you. You can also change this as the kids age – in high school, I’d be more reluctant to move my kid than now.
Anon says
Agree about the moving thing varying as kids get older. My parents appointed my mom’s (wealthy and 6 kids of her own, lived 100 miles away) sister for most of my childhood, but once I was 13 or so they switched it to my best friend’s parents (not wealthy, lived a block away) so I could keep my school and my friends – the financial and logistical burden would have been much lower and they also had more money to leave for my care at that point, so the caregiver’s personal financials weren’t as relevant. (None of this ended up applying but I appreciated that they thought about it.)
Strategy Mom says
I might change it in 8 years – my thinking is pick the best fit siblings now (regardless of where they live) and switch to the local siblings when your kids are in middle school or older – at that age the benefits of being in a community they know where they have other support systems and consistency will be more critical, and they’ll only have a few years left before college. vs at a younger age, similar lifestyle, values, etc. might matter more and they’ll play a bigger role in shaping who your children are.
Strategy Mom says
by change i mean change the will at a future date, not write the will so your kids would switch between them
anon says
My parents had this setup where they picked the folks they thought would be the best fit culturally/socially when we were young and then switched it when we got to middle school or high school, as they thought that staying in the same environment was more important then. They talked about the whole process and asked us when about the switch when we got older which I always thought was nice!
Pogo says
This is a good plan. We chose the adjacent-state sibling that is most culturally/religiously/etc aligned with us, with local friends as the backup. I could see possibly changing it in the future for the reasons mentioned here.
anon says
I am an estate planning attorney. This is a good strategy. When clients have a hard time making decisions and are torn between what is best today and what will be best in 20 years, I tell them to plan for the next five years. Realistically, most clients only show up every 20ish years, but the option is there to come back anytime. You can change it as often as you like (or are willing to pay for it ;) ).
Anon says
We prioritized meaningful emotional competence. To be blunt, if we die, our kids are going to be pretty traumatized. I wanted them to be with people who could handle working through grief, and who would not hesitate to get them whatever therapy they needed.
For better or worse, this rules out basically all our family. There’s no one who is both in reasonably good health and who I trust to deal with difficult emotions. Plenty of otherwise great people who would love our kids and generally share our values, in the sense of raising them in the same faith, etc. But for all their virtues, they would not do well with the aftermath of tragedy. So, close friends it is.
anon says
Estate planning attorney here again–props for giving the grief issue the weight it is due. It is almost always overlooked or dismissed with because it seems fleeting. While it might be fleeting if the kids are very very young, it most certainly will not be if they are old enough to remember anything about mom and dad.
anon says
i have almost one year old twins. for the first 6 months of their life my ppa/ppd was so bad i really didn’t get to enjoy them. now they are about to be one and i feel like i’ve missed out on all the fun. after reading this board, no one seems to like parenting their toddlers. previously good sleepers seem to stop sleeping, the tantrums begin and seem to take years to end. please tell me there is something good about the toddler years? is there anything i can do to prepare for them?
Redux says
I enjoyed my kids 1000% more as toddlers than I did when they were babies. Babies are sweet and snuggly, sure, but they don’t really do much for me. The baby years exhausted and frustrated me at least as much as they brought joy. I mean, the crying, the nursing, the sleep deprivation (oh! the sleep deprivation!), the return to work, the daycare stresses– I didn’t have ppa/ppd and it was still … a lot.
But toddlers! I used to joke that if I could give birth to a toddler instead of a baby I would have three more. Toddlers are so fun! First off, they are called toddlers because they toddle and it is SO CUTE when they start to walk. I loved waking my toddlers down the sidewalk in our neighborhood. They were fascinated by every little thing and there is nothing cuter than a toddler picking a dandelion from a crack in the sidewalk. We met more neighbors during that first toddler year than during the baby year just because we were more casually social. We used to toddle over to our neighbor’s house, ring the doorbell, and pet their dog. The neighbor loved it, my kid loved it, I loved it. No baby is asking to do something cute like that. That’s toddler life! There are lots of challenges, definitely, but in my experience toddlers are so much fun!
lsw says
+1, my toddler has never been cuter (sometimes even his tantrums are adorable, ha). Is there anything better than the first words and silly things your toddler starts to say? They come up with hilarious ideas. I love it. Yes, it’s hard – but so was being the parent of a baby! You are going to have so much fun!
Leatty says
+1
Last night, DH and I were discussing whether/when to have a second child, and I told him that if I could skip pregnancy and the newborn stage, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Our almost 2 year old is SO much fun now, something which wasn’t true when she was <6 months.
Pogo says
+1 Toddlers are so fun! They are becoming little people and it is so cute to watch. A friend whose LO is a year older than mine told me once “it gets easier and harder”. Everything that’s hard about the newborn days goes away (complete lack of sleep, constant pumping) but now you have a defiant little person testing your limits and learning about the world. It’s different challenges, but generally more rewarding – my son gives me hugs, gets super excited to see me, attempts to be helpful in adorable ways (like bringing cans of cat food over to the cat or hiding granola bars in daddy’s bag).
HSAL says
My twins are 9 months – you didn’t miss much for months 1-6. I don’t enjoy newborns but starting around 8 months I feel like babies just get cooler. The same was true with my first – there are more hassles, sure, but overall it gets easier and much more fun!
rakma says
Different people like different stages, you may love toddlerhood! I like when then start talking, particularly all the ways they mispronounce things at first. I also found playing more fun once they want to have tea parties and build (and knock down) towers, it gets more interactive. Lots of toddler meltdowns can be avoided if the kids are not hungry, not tired, and get outside as much as possible. It’s not always easy to meet these seemingly simple goal posts, but there’ good starting points to address if things seem to be going downhill.
You may consider reading Siblings with out Rivalry (I don’t remember if twins were addressed much, maybe there’s a better option for twin moms?) and How to Talk so Little Kids will listen.
Pogo says
I’m reading How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen right now, and I think it is super helpful. Some of the strategies are still above where my almost 20-mo is, but it is very useful in reframing tantrums, which in our house are always caused by wanting to keep playing when we need to do something else (eat dinner, take a bath, etc) or being told we can’t do something dangerous/destructive (play with a glass measuring cup, jump off the back of the couch). So I’ve started following the book’s recommendations about just agreeing and sympathizing, and while LO is too young to have the words to participate, he does calm down and snuggle with me, which I take as him giving himself a little time to be sad about not being able to do what he wanted. I still deal with 2-5 tantrums a day, but they pass quickly.
Toddler mom says
I am one of the frequent toddler posters, and I can assure you that toddlers are awesome. Way more fun. The highs are so high with toddlers. So many joyful moments. Really I’ve found I like every age even better than the last.
Toddlers are more TIRING. But also way more fun.
Emily S. says
I think our posts here might be skewed because we’re looking for advice and commiseration, rather than signing the praises of our kids. Although, check in on Fridays, Boston Legal Eagle’s trying revive “things I love about my kid.”
FWIW, I LOVE my life with my toddlers! DD are almost 4 and 2. The growth from 1-2, 2-3, 3-4 is amazing: communication, language skills explode, they really start to give back (yes, sometimes right after a meltdown and you get whiplash), and they need less stuff! You can pare down the gear you have to lug around, you can get out of the house in the mornings because no one needs a nap, they can actually participate in toddler art class…the list goes on. The best part for me, though, is what I learn from them: stop and appreciate a dandelion every now and again, you can choose to be kind, etc. I hope we can put your mind at ease: toddlerhood is sunshine and hurricanes, but don’t overlook the sunshine!
Cb says
I enjoy my kid more each and every month. He learns so much every day, expresses affection and interest. It’s like seeing the world anew, I’m on the lookout for construction sites and cute dogs and fun things to do.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to this – in hindsight, DH and I really, really struggled until about the 6 month mark, and since then every month has gotten exponentially better. I also had the same concerns as OP about the toddler years, and we’re not quite there yet at 16 months, but have seen some foreshadowing of not fun things, BUT friends, colleagues, and the wise ladies here have assured me the good outweighs the bad.
I also am now able to “share” more with DS, enjoy outside/running around time, all generally eat the same thing, interact more, etc. Hell, DS can even entertain himself for a few minutes at a time now with a ball or book, and I look forward to that time stretching.
There are some challenges I’m not excited about like the inevitable full-on tantrums, potty training, etc., but trying to think of it as part of their normal development and/or not overthink it too much.
Pogo says
LO is obsessed with dogs and babies to the point that if he sees either in public he shouts “BABY” or “DOGGIE” and runs to them, and honestly… same, kid. Same. It’s great to be reminded about the beauty in the world.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I may not be the best person to respond here as I’ve found my toddler’s year 2 very hard – lots of tantrums and not listening to us, wanting to be independent, etc…. but, like someone said, the lows might be lower, but the highs can be a lot higher than with a baby. Babies are cute but you basically need to do everything for them and you have no way of knowing how they’re really feeling because they can’t express themselves with words. My toddler can talk! In full sentences! And can even make jokes now. We’ve laughed so much at the things he’s said. It’s pretty amazing to watch the huge growth that happens between 1 and 4 in terms of walking ability and talking ability. And that need for independence can be so so frustrating for parents, but it really is important for them to be able to do things by themselves. Also, once the kid is potty trained, no more daytime (and eventually nighttime) diapers!!
Toddlers are super exhausting though, and I’ll be honest, I find my 5 month old baby easier in a lot of ways now. Whiplash is right, toddler can go from extreme meltdown to giving hugs and saying I love you. I’m trying to appreciate the latter moments more when they come.
IHeartBacon says
You are just about to enter such a precious time in their life, which in my opinion, has been better than the first few months. At one, my LO was right on the cusp of starting so many new things such as walking and talking. I have this video of him babbling when he was just under 1 and my heart swells to this day every time I see it. My LO is now 2 and he just gives back SO MUCH LOVE. He is always wanting to give me hugs and kisses. He tells me he loves me unprompted. These sweet moments really help me get through the harder moments.
One thing I read (probably here) that has helped me a lot when dealing with him is that I try to be really aware of when I tell him “no” or refuse to let him do something. I try to ask myself whether I really need to say no or prevent him from doing something. This seems to have helped him appreciate that when I do actually say no, I mean it. For example, when he was a little younger, if LO wanted to pull out all of my clothes from my dresser, I’d let him even though it meant a temporary mess because I knew he was just exploring. On the other hand, when LO tried to climb over the stair rail, I firmly told him he wasn’t allowed and there was no tantrum about it. I feel like this has helped minimize unnecessary fights.
AnotherAnon says
First, I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with ppa/ppd. This is going to sound cheesy, but every month with my son just gets better – he’s two now. We both have hard days, and there are times when I’m not as patient with him as I’d like to be, but he is such a wonderful little human. I find that just spending time with him, observing him and participating in his play helps me appreciate how smart, funny, unique and curious he is. Can you try to reframe your thinking? The toddler years are certainly a challenge, but if you go into it dreading it, that will make it that much harder.
ElisaR says
oh those personalities are amazing. they really start to develop and it’s wonderful to watch them develop as REAL HUMANS!
Walnut says
I took my three year old on a beach hike a few weeks ago and it was the cutest and best thing ever. He climbed all the driftwood, looked in every hollowed out log, picked up sticks, buried the sticks, filled my pocket with seashells and rocks, chased the water, enthusiastically ate his sandwich at the break and passed out hard on the drive back home. There was no better way I could have spent a long afternoon and my heart burst with joy watching him explore the world.
Don’t worry about the time that has passed. There is so much to enjoy today and every day forward. There will definitely be challenges and we’ll be here to commiserate.
Anon says
My daughter is only 16 months, so definitely not full-on toddler yet. But every age has been better than the last! She doesn’t have much expressive language yet, but has terrific receptive language skills and can communicate very well with body language. It’s so wonderful feeling knowing that there’s actually a real person in there that I can communicate with! And she has SO much personality. She plays pranks on us, tries to get us to laugh and learns things right before our eyes. It’s all just so much more joyful (to me anyway) than a baby who is just lying there smiling and cooing. Fwiw, she was a very easy baby (some colic, but it passed quickly and she’s always been a great eater and sleeper) and so far seems to be an easy-going toddler. My ped said good sleepers will stay normally stay great sleepers, and that has been our experience so far (knock on wood).
Anon says
I struggled a lot with adjusting to motherhood during the first 6-9 months of my daughter’s life. She’s now almost 16 months, and I am LOVING this age. I found the turning point for me was really about a year old, when her expressive and receptive language took off. Being able to communicate with her is huge. I feel like she actually understands a lot of what’s going on, and she’s become a little sponge (she seems to learn something new every day!). She’s very active and into everything and absolutely exhausting, but I love watching her little personality shine and seeing her grow and learn so much so quickly. She can actually play games with us now (versus me watching her bat a soft toy around on a play mat) and she’ll pick out books for us to read together and then snuggle into my lap. It’s so much more rewarding and entertaining than early motherhood, in my opinion.
Yes, the tantrums and picky eating are starting to rear their ugly head, but I also feel so much more confident in my role as a mom, and I feel like I know my daughter in a way I didn’t when she was a newborn.
anon says
Oh man, I though the baby stage was much more difficult than the toddler stage. By the time my son was 13 months, he was weaned and he could walk. Which meant I didn’t have to worry about feeding him via being either with him or by electricity so I could pump and I didn’t have to hold him constantly.
DH and I were super adamant about getting him to talk. We only have 1 so my experience is obviously limited, but everything I read said toddlers are hard because they can’t communicate. So we worked with him to get the 200 words before age 2 and I think that really helped a lot because he could communicate to us when he was upset.
Anon says
My toddler is a royal pain from time to time, but she is so much more fun than she was as a baby. And for us at least, months 17-20 have been the best ever for sleep (5 minute routine, stays in her toddler bed (with gate at door), sleeps until morning!). She is also very affectionate, which makes the tantrums so much better (e.g., I think I got kissed probably 30 times this morning before I left for work). And while we have a lot of screaming, it’s tied to the fact that she still has very few words, but even a firm yes and no is helpful in determining what the problem is if you ask enough questions, and she at least understands simple instructions (like put your diaper in the trash, go get your coat, etc.) and her receptive language is high (e.g., I told her “two hands” on the cup today and she complied). So there is plenty of joy ahead, I promise!
Anonymous says
Love my two year old here! I also love babies but I found year 1 to 2 SO much easier than 0-1. I’ve said it before but life became a lot easier when my DD could walk and do her own thing. And her ability to communicate has also made things easier. We can also take her to more things (playgrounds, nature centers, kiddie play places) and she can participate and have fun because of the physical skills. We can also just chill in the backyard while she plays. Yeh she has more opinions and lays on the floor yelling at me sometimes, but guess what, I’m an adult I can handle it!! Frankly I feel like every stage has its pluses and minuses. If you go into it realizing what’s developmentally normal and you grow a thick skin, you’re gonna be ok.
Strategy Mom says
As the one venting earlier this week about sleep issues, let me say that I am obsessed with my toddlers and cherish every second with them (kinda ;)) Seeing them evolve into charming, quirky, loving little people is so rewarding!
It isn’t perfect or even close, but it is so so rewarding and gratifying! But you also need to give yourself grace because twins means all the peaks and valleys are amplified by two. Practicing gratitude has been a good way for me to recognize the peaks, even little peaks, even during weeks that feel like valleys.
CPA Lady says
Honestly I think the hardest thing about the modern concept of “parenting” is the immense amount of pressure to enjoy every moment. The more pressure I put on myself to be thrilled every second because “they’re only little once!!!!”, the more miserable I was.
So, my piece of advice would be to accept how your are feeling. If you find tantrums emotionally exhausting, that’s okay. You’re still a good mom. There will be plenty of good and happy times ahead and even sometimes between the tantrums. You haven’t “missed” anything by not being rapturously happy 24/7 during the most intensely exhausting and hands on time frame in your child’s entire life.
Do whatever you can to learn to not get emotionally invested in tantrums. It may be meditation. I found the book “The Cow in the Parking Lot” very helpful when I found myself way too frustrated way too frequently.
Redux says
This is a really good point. The FB/ Insta world is so picturesquely happy its easy to forget that real life is full of all the emotions– not just happy. Thanks, CPA Lady.
Anonymous says
I definitely enjoyed my son’s 2nd year more than his first, partly due to PPA/PPD like you experienced, but also because the toddler years have their own charms. First, I must confess that my now almost 7 year old has only ever had 1 tantrum. He has other difficult behaviors, but tantrums were never in his repetoire. So you might get lucky. Second and more broadly, the older he gets, the more I get to know HIM and his personality. He’s hilarious. It’s a lot of fun learning who your child is as a person, and that only gets easier as they get more mobile and verbal. Also, I think we spend a lot of time complaining about toddler sleep disturbances not because they are worse than infant ones, but because they come at a time when things were getting better and/or we had higher expectations for sleep. (Or had used up our reserves). They become a big deal because they feel more unusual – no one expects newborns to sleep so we just deal with it.
Anon says
I think it’s a good point about expectations. I have a fantastic sleeper, but we had a really rough month or two around 8 months, due to a combination of teething, her gut adjusting to a more solid diet, and her learning how to crawl. Once we would get her to sleep, she usually stayed asleep for at least 6 hours, but we had a terrible time getting her down. The bedtime routine sometimes took hours and there was a lot of crying. In hindsight, it really wasn’t that bad but it felt so hard at the time because we had been spoiled by a good sleeper, and weren’t expecting her sleep to be worse at 8 months than it had been as a 2 month old. I complained to a good friend who (gently) called me out on it and reminded me that this was only bad because I’d been so lucky to have a good sleeper from the beginning and not experience other sleep regressions. It was badly needed perspective!
GCA says
I am another person who prefers the toddler years to the baby year, but they all have their ups and downs.
Babies:
Pros: adorable, portable, no tantrums, simple needs.
Cons: sleep woes, teething, hard physical labor.
Young toddlers:
Pros: adorable, funny, watching them discover the world is so much fun, being able to leave the house without bottles
Cons: sleep woes (maybe), teething (rare but whoa), physical labor of chasing overambitious toddler around playground, some developmentally normal tantrums due to frustration (desires outpacing physical/ verbal abilities)
Older toddlers/ preschoolers:
Pros: Verbal, funny, the characteristics of their personality become clearer, greater emotional development, being able to leave the house without diapers/ kitchen sink, sassy
Cons: Physically wild, greater emotional development leading to developmentally appropriate meltdowns, sassy
I’m actually a bit sad that I spent most of the last year pregnant or dealing with a tiny baby and missed my older kid’s 2.5-3.5 year, in which he somehow learned to go to bed on his own and his emotional development advanced by leaps and bounds.
Anonymous says
I’m sure this is already said, but people cone here seeking advice, so you aren’t hearing the good parts!!! I loooooooved my toddler and am looking forward to that with current baby. They are adorable and hysterical and sweet, and constantly amazing you with what they can do. 4 year old is turning into the coolest person that o love to spend time with!
twin toddler mama says
My twins are almost 3. The toddler years are INFINITELY better than the baby years for me. They get really excited about things, they can do more fun things (slides, kids museums, coloring), they can amuse themselves more so I get more time to relax on weekends. One of mine is autistic and I still feel like I am breezing through this year. We really emphasize naming feelings and do the stuff in the How to Talk so Little Kids etc. and there is something just so hilarious about seeing a little one say “I am so FRUS-ter-ated” and stomp off with little arms folded. They want to see stop signs and garbage trucks and say “who’s that GUY?” anytime any stranger walks through the parking lot. I also feel like our first year was largely a haze– sooo little sleep– but this curiosity phase is the best.
rakma says
I’m not sure if I’m hoping for commiseration or advice, maybe a little of both.
I’m on a committee at work, and while I’m not the chair I find myself the driver of scheduling meetings and setting agendas, in addition to the financial tasks I willingly took on. The chair keeps pushing these tasks back on me, and I’m getting annoyed. Leaving the committee would look bad, and that’s not a route I’m willing to take right now. I’m getting flashbacks to high school group projects where I was the only one putting in the effort to get things done.
I suppose I just need to get over it, but I’m having a hard time with it.
Cb says
Ugh, that’s so annoying! You have my commiseration. My colleague and I work on a lot of joint projects and ‘he isn’t good at that logistics stuff…’ and I’ve really had to push back to avoid getting lumped with it.
I was at a meeting recently and someone told me never to sit closest to the chair or white board as you’ll get stuck with taking notes and it is so true!
Redux says
Is it possible the chair is putting these tasks on you for you to delegate? My boss will often give me things to “take care of” like scheduling a meeting with x,y, and z or updating something on our website which I 100% delegate to an administrative staff person. Maybe you can accept the tasks as something you’ll “take care of” in that you’ll find another committee member to do them.
rakma says
I’m pretty sure trying to delegate this further would result in meetings never happening. We don’t have administrative support that I could pass this on to. I think the idea that it’s my responsibility to make sure this doesn’t fall apart –even though other people should be invested– is part of the reason I’m so annoyed.
Redux says
Ugh, that sounds crappy. Your other committee members don’t sound terribly committed to this committee! This might be a time to convene a Committee to Dissolve the Commitee!
rakma says
I’d love to create a Committee to Dissolve the Committee, at least I’d be in charge of all my efforts then.
I am (slowly) working on getting some new members into the fold, maybe if I focus on that I can get through this.
Pogo says
Basically anytime I’m on one of these things I just assume I will end up doing all the work, like in high school. Reframing at least sets my expectations.
I’ve also been told that you can influence people who don’t report to you, but I am still working on that skill and have yet to see someone effectively demonstrate it.
Anonanonanon says
I tried Nordstrom Trunk Club for the first time. I’ve been using RTR for “fun” outfits but really needed to upgrade my weekend staples for errands etc. I haven’t received my trunk yet, but so far I really like the experience compared to other services.
I got to actually chat with a stylist online, not just fill out a questionnaire. I got to say if there were specific things I wanted (I wanted a denim jacket, some thin gold necklaces for layering, etc.). Then they put together a trunk that has A LOT of things in it, and unlike a lot of other services you get to review the items before it is shipped. I said no to a few things with explanations, and checked that I was OK with her tossing a few more things in before sending. It’s on the way now, and it looks like I will have A LOT of things to try on. I like that she sent multiple options for things I was looking for rather than just one.
The only negative is the price points are a bit above what I was hoping for. For example, some 300 dollar rag and bone pants when I described that I wanted clothes for errands and taking kids to sports practices. But we will see!
IHeartBacon says
Glad to hear you’re trying it out. I’m one of the folks that has mentioned it a few times here when someone asks for recommendations to revamp their wardrobe. I’m interested in hearing how you like it since I’ve had a great experience so far.
CR says
I have loved Trunk Club for getting my groove back after loosing my baby weight and shape. I found I needed to be almost hysterical about wanting natural fibers and certain clothes (pants, shirts) under $100. I’ve gotten some great pieces, including shoes, although I think it’s more challenging if you don’t lean trendy. Also, Stitch Fix has a high end option now, FYI. These services actually helped me refine my style as I tried to pin items on my style board to communicate what I like. I wound up buying more on my own, too. Now I have a solid wardrobe.
Rothys says
Anyone have or seen them in the mink or the flax color? I have a pair in the black honeycomb, which I love and wear all the time (in the flat – the round toe). Trying to decide on a second pair. I have what I would call a “cognac” pair of cole haan loafers that I wear with stuff where black would look too harsh or off (e.g., blue-grey and ivory polka dotted silk blouse with jeans and an ivory sweater today), and there doesn’t seem to be an equivalent brown in the rothy’s, so trying to decide if the mink or flax would be a better bet.
octagon says
There isn’t a good alternative – I wish they would bring back the plum color or a mid-tone brown. Given that we are heading into summer, I’d probably go with the flax, as they will feel lighter. I just ordered flax points – haven’t arrived yet but a coworker has them and they look nice. The mink has more of a dark gray-brown feel to it. Or… how do you feel about the spotted?
(Referral code in case anyone else is looking: https://share.rothys.com/x/Lo83O7)
Anon says
Firm no on the spotted for me (I’m not very adventurous in shoes), but I think you’re right on the flax. The cool undertones on the mink keep throwing me off – what I like about my loafers is how warm the brown is. I’m actually ordering because my mom bought my first pair and she wants to buy another pair so I get daily texts asking if I’ve used her referral code yet!
Anon says
Random, not-mom related topic: We received a Save The Date for a good friend’s out of state wedding, but no invitation. The wedding is in roughly 6 weeks. No one else in our friend group who received a Save The Date has received their invitation either. The bride lives out of state, and I’m probably the closest to her out of anyone in our friend group. Is there a polite way to check in and ask about our invitation? I’d like to support my friend in the event the wedding is no longer happening; I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or judged in any way.
anon says
i think you can just send a quick text saying something like “got your save the date, but never received an invitation. just wanted to make sure i wasn’t being rude by not sending in my rsvp. i remember how annoying it was when people didn’t rsvp to our wedding” –> a text gives the person the opportunity to think about how to respond so that if the wedding is called off they can reply with a text.
Anon says
Maybe she’s the bride on the main page who is cancelling her wedding! But in all seriousness, I think when the wedding is 6 weeks away and you haven’t received an invite, it’s totally acceptable to ask when it’s coming so you can make travel arrangements.
Redux says
I think 6 weeks out is pretty typical for invites, no? Do you suspect that the wedding might be off? Or are you just speculating?
Anon says
I’m speculating, though I checked her registries to see if people had been buying gifts and one looks like it’s been deleted, which gives me the sense that something is a little off.
anon says
Is the other one well-rounded? Maybe she was just moving things around and trying to limit it to one registry for the sake of logistics. I’m reaching here…but also wouldn’t read too much into this (yet).
Redux says
Hm, in that case I might hold off– wedding planning is really stressful and she likely knows all too well that she needs to get her invites in the mail asap! I would wait a week. The one exception is if you have to make plane reservations, in which case I would reach out and maybe say that you are thrilled to see her soon and are about to make plane reservations and make sure you get there in time in case she is planning anything for the night before or morning after.
anon says
I *think* the standard wisdom is that invites go out at 6 weeks, FYI. I’d give it until 6 weeks, plus a few days for the mail before you check in.
Strategy Mom says
Yes! I think thats the traditional/formal ettiquette (that is antiquated now that people travel so far for weddings relative to 40 years ago)
Law Mama says
Why not just reach out without mentioning the invite? You can say you were looking at travel logistics and wanted to check in and see how she was doing?
Redux says
Talk to me about “generous” PTO and other benefits. I feel like every employer I have ever worked for has claimed to offer “generous benefits” but as sort of a throwaway promise without actually being pegged to any standard of generosity. My current job gives terrible salaries but legitimately generous PTO (6 weeks paid, plus a week between xmas and NY). I don’t actually know if our healthcare and 401k benefit are “generous.” Help add some data points? Here are mine:
PTO (sick and vacay together): 6 weeks, plus the office is closed for a week between xmas and NYE, so 7 weeks total. Generous, right?
401k: employer contributes 5% (of my terrible salary, so the raw number here is low)
Health: 20% coinsurance, $35 co-pay, $1250 family deductible, out of pocket max is $6250, in-network only. This seems terrible to me, so we get coverage from my husband’s job.
Anon says
Ahh this is a sore point for me. I work for a state university and they go on and on about how “generous” our benefits are (to make up for our dismal pay!) and it’s like…no, no they’re really not that generous, except for the PTO.
PTO: We have essentially unlimited sick leave once you’ve been here a while. I think it’s 10 days the first year and 20 days the second year, but once you’ve been here 5 years it’s 100 (!) days every year from then onward. I’ve never heard of anyone using anywhere close to all their sick leave. 4 weeks of paid vacation, plus a holiday closure between Christmas and New Year’s, 3 personal days and closure for major holidays (Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc). We don’t get minor holidays like Veteran’s Day or President’s Day.
Retirement: We get two plans with separate contribution limits (a 403(b) and a 457) so if you can afford it, you can save $38k/year in retirement accounts. Employer match is 5% of my (very low) salary and you have to be here for 3 continuous years before the matching kicks in. I’ve been here 2 years and 10 months and this is currently KILLING ME.
Health: They offer a variety of plans, but I did the math and no matter what you anticipate your health care expenses being, the high-deductible health plan is the best deal. We pay about $100/month in premiums to cover the whole family but our in-network deductible is $6,000 and our out of pocket max is $10,000. Our co-insurance is 25%. This is all in-network, the out of network numbers are roughly double, but we haven’t had a problem using only in-network services. My employer puts around $600 in an HSA, and I can contribute to it up to the IRS max. Preventative services – including an annual gyn visit/pap for me and all well-checks for our toddler – are covered with no deductible or co-insurance, but I think that’s the law because of Obamacare? Anyway, I think our health coverage is terrible and I roll my eyes hard when they talk about how generous it is.
Anonymous says
Ugh the retirement match vesting period kills me too. At my last job, there was a 3 year vesting period (0% vested until you hit the 3 year mark, then 100% vested), AND all vesting for the year happened on Dec 31. Needless to say, when I left that job, I left in January.
Anon says
In my case it’s not vesting – anything you put in is yours regardless of how long you stay. The employer just doesn’t start matching until the 3 year mark, and then they just contribute going forward, so there is no matching for the first three years of employment :/
ElisaR says
that’s still considered vesting. Anything you put into your own retirement plan you can always take.
Redux says
Vesting means that you take ownership of any amounts your employer has put into your account. In some places, your employer might start matching at day one, but if you leave before 1 year or 3 years or whatever your “vesting” date is, that money goes back to the employer, not to you. In my case, we are immediately vested and it is not a match. Meaning, they just give me 3% regardless of how long I work here and regardless of how much I put in myself. That is objectively generous, but considering how little I get paid the raw number is small.
Anonymous says
7 weeks of paid vacation sounds legitimately generous to me, but the rest seems pretty standard.
For my company:
PTO: Divided among sick, vacation, and personal days, but all together is 5 weeks. Must be used each calendar year, it does not roll over. Option for 4 weeks unpaid leave.
Family leave: (basically anything FMLA eligible) fully paid for 12 weeks. With separate parental leave benefits and annual leave, you can stack up to 24+ weeks with full pay as a birth mother
401k: Matching funds: fully matched for the first 3% and 50% of the next 3%.
Heath: I honestly don’t know, it’s nowhere near as good as my husband’s plans.
There are other perks, too. On-site child care, free wellness clinic (I didn’t know I needed this, but it is amazing), free on-site gym and group fitness classes offered during lunch and around 5-6pm. Transit/walk/bike commute $$ incentives, fitness reimbursement of up to $50/month, group life insurance options, backup childcare benefit, employee discounted stock purchase plan, etc.
I once worked for a very small company that fully matched 401k contributions up to the annual max.
anon says
Those are (1) great PTO, (2) very good 401k (though the industry matters, here, what industry are you in?), and (3) I’d say very good health insurance, presuming your employer pays the majority of your premium (not including H’s and kids’), and the network is half-decent. If you have other cheap or paid for benefits (like EAP, disability and/or life ins, etc., those are icing on the cake).
I am self-employed so I have no stats for 1 and 2, but for a point of reference on 3: my co-insurance is 40%, co-pay is $30 for three PCP visits/year then deductible and co-insurance, specialists are deductible and co-insurance, deductible is $350 individual ($1050 family; this is VERY low, I don’t quite understand why they offer this plan), OOP is $7900 for individual ($15,800 family), ER co-pay is $950 (WTH??), and my network is absolute crap. I had to change my PCP, OB, and derm when I switched to this plan from a group plan. My premium is $505/mo.
octagon says
When you say 6 weeks PTO, is it all one pot or is it separate for vacation and sick? Can you carry forward any amount or does it reset? I have 6 weeks at my fed job, but it’s 2.5 weeks sick and 3.5 weeks vacation. The sick leave accrues indefinitely which is nice if you are planning on a longer maternity leave or just in case of health-related needs. I have a strong aversion to places that have a single pot of leave.
Redux says
It’s a single pot of leave. I can carry over a week at the end of the year, but anything carried over has to be used in the first quarter. Before I was a parent I really resented separate pots of leave because I was so infrequently sick that I inevitable “lost” unused sick days at the end of every year. Now that I am a parent and get sick (and care for sick kids) more often, I’m glad they are not separated out because I would likely burn through that pot pretty quickly.
Anon Fed says
Pointing out that technically, as a fed, you technically can’t use sick leave for a maternity leave longer than 6 weeks (vaginal delivery) or 8 weeks (C-section). You can use it for appointments and days you are legit sick, but not for caring for a newborn past 6/8 weeks. Which is a problem because there is a limit on how much annual leave you can carry over year to year.
Pogo says
Everyone says they are generous. The PTO sounds pretty good, though that’s what you max out at in my company with longer tenure. The matching is actually above average, I’d say – most places I’ve worked match 2.5-3.5% (meaning you have to contribute 5-7% to get the full match).
The insurances sounds sh*tty but unfortunately is becoming standard. We did a lot of math around different plans and either way we spend (gross, including premiums, coins, deductible, etc) around $7k/year on health care for our family.
Lana Del Raygun says
Here’s what I get as a fed, which people generally seem to say is good enough to make up for lower pay in the private sector:
*104 hours (13 days) sick leave
*104 hours annual leave (next year I’ll get 156 h / 19.5 days)
*1% agency automatic contribution to my TSP, full match for the first 3% I contribute, half match for the next 2% (ie up to 1% automatic + 4% match if I contribute 5%+); matching is vested progressively until 3 years
* FERS pension: I have to contribute 4.4% and the government contributes about 12%; this is vested after 5 years of federal civilian service but theoretically I think I could move to a different agency and keep going
* health insurance: too many options to count; I have BCBS (one of the most popular) with no deductible and my non-specialist copay is $35. The government pays 75% of the premium; my share is $177 every two weeks. I have no idea if this is good???
anon says
Your health insurance is AMAZBALLS! I’m so jealous.
Redux says
Agree this health insurance sounds generous! Are those numbers for a family plan or individual? Actually all your benefits sound really good to me!
Lana Del Raygun says
That’s for the family plan. Also I just double-checked and it’s actually $30 for primary care and $40 for specialists. I only have coverage at “preferred” providers but that’s a pretty big network, at least in the DC area.
Anonymous says
I’m the anon at 12:14 above, my husband is a Fed. and sounds like our plan until we switched to the HSA one. It’s fantastic, and the pre/postnatal care coverage was amazing. I’ve had no trouble finding good doctors in network in the DC area. People at work seem to think our company plan is pretty good, so I looked into it at open enrollment last year. It took about 2 minutes to realize it doesn’t hold a candle to federal employee health benefits.
I make 2x my husband’s salary, but I’m very, very glad for his health benefits and PTO. At a certain point, you start getting 8 hours each vacation and sick leave per 2 week pay period, which is just insane to me.
Anon says
I think that PTO is genuinely good. The match is probably fine, but not great. I currently get at 12% match, which is legit generous.
Our health options are unusually generous, only because I work for a major hospital system. In-network coverage has a $750 deductible. After that, 20% co-insurance, but if you use our hospital system (which includes the range of standard primary care and outpatient services), it’s free.
Anon says
Also – I actually pay a lot for our health insurance (almost $600/month), but the employee contribution is on a sliding scale, and I’m at the top of the scale. It’s subsidized more for lower-income employees.
anon says
That is generous, even for a major hospital system. I used to work for one and they had a captive insurance program (no idea if that’s normal). The network was good, but narrow, and we absolutely could not use a competing system (there are only two in that largeish city).
anon says
My benefits are not great.
PTO: 6 sick days and 12 vacation days. 3 vacation days can roll over.
Maternity leave: FMLA applies, no paid leave.
401K: 3% employer contribution, no matter what employee puts in.
Health insurance: Employer pays premiums for the high-deductible plan. There is no HSA or FSA. The plan is so expensive that my husband and child are (much) better off on individual insurance through the market place.
My salary is not particularly high, but I have great hours. In the next year or two, I should have opportunities to work more and earn more. I also work in a suburban office park about .2 miles away from my house, so I have no commute, can go home for lunch, and have no parking expenses.
Anonymous says
PTO (one pot; 4 weeks + 1 day; increases by about a day each year; can carry over 1/5years worth; can carry over 1.5 years of leave; get paid out 75% for cashed out PTO
401k 4% of salary
Health insurance: $1500 deductible/$3000 oop max for individual, $3000/$6000 for family (I think this is the minimum for a HDHP); $70/month individual $285/month for family; HSA contribution $750 individual/$1250 family
Also: 9 weeks paid maternity leave, and a profit sharing bonus up to 20% of salary
Benefits are much much better than at the small/midsized law firm I previously worked (no pto; only simple IRA, over $1000/month in premiums for family health insurance for worse coverage
Patty Mayonnaise says
Just had my 2 yo’s Wellness visit and based on an eye test, they recommended seeing a pediatric ophthalmologist for potential astigmatism. This isn’t a shock since I have terrible vision and have since I was like 5, but I was just hoping she’d be lucky. Anyone have experience with this? Or recs for a great dr. In dc area? TIA!
Anon says
My now 16 month old was referred to a pediatric ophthalmologist around 8 months because her pediatrician was worried she was cross-eyed. The ophthalmologist said she wasn’t cross-eyed but that she had astigmatism. They didn’t recommend doing anything except rechecking in a year. I’m not sure if the recommendation would be different for a 2 year old, but my sense is that they don’t worry much until it’s time for them to be reading. We’re not in DC, so no specific recs, sorry.
ElisaR says
funny i just spoke to my ped about this today at our 3 year visit. She said she doesn’t screen vision this young because you can get so many false results because they’re so young….. so I wouldn’t worry too much. What kind of eye test can they really give a 2 year old?
Anonymous says
It’s a camera that measures how the eye reflects light. My son failed his test, and it turns out he needed some pretty serious corrective lens. It made a HUGE difference in his sense of balance, cut back on his accidents (turned out he wasn’t that clumsy, he just couldn’t see!), and he became much more verbal. We went to Vincente as well in the DC area and he was very good, but it is also worth asking your doctor if they have a list of recommended doctors. They’re scattered all over the metro area and we ultimately found someone a bit closer (but also, had a long time before we could get into see her, so start calling around now)
ElisaR says
ahhh interesting! sounds like it was good they figured it out so early.
Anon says
Can you explain more about how not seeing well is related to being less verbal? I’m the one with the now-16 month old who was diagnosed with astigmatism as an infant. They said there was no need to do anything about her vision until later. She doesn’t really talk and her ped is somewhat concerned about her lack of language (I’m not, because she so clearly understands a lot and can communicate non-verbally). It never occurred to me there could be a connection to eyesight though.
Anonymous says
I posted above about my son- frankly, I’m not really convinced there was a connection either, but it was something his daycare teacher commented on a few times- she felt that the glasses made him more comfortable naming objects and speaking up in class.
Anonymous says
If she’s visually impaired, she probably can’t see things in her environment to describe them to you or vice versa. For instance – if you say “look at the bird in the tree” and she can’t see it, she might lack the ability to respond in an appropriate way.
Anonymous says
Don’t know about the astigmatism, but we had to see an ophthalmologist for a different issue with my then two-year old. Would highly recommend Dr. G. Vike Vicente in the DC area. He and his staff were fantastic with my kid, specialize in pediatrics, and seemed very reasonable.
Anonymous says
I have a one I like in Arlington if you’re interested
Recs for hearty GD-friendly TJs meals? says
So, second pregnancy, second gestational diabetes diagnosis. This time I’m close to a TJ’s, but not as close (work or home) to an awesome salad place. Any recommendations for easy easy meals? DH will take care of cooking when he’s home, but I solo parent the todder half the week and need ideas on how to feed myself with minimal effort. Also cheap easy heat-in-microwave work options would be nice.
Plan so far is stocking up on zucchini spirals to sub in usual pasta dishes, riced cauliflower and mashed cauliflower to sub for rice and potatoes/starch with other meals generally, but I’d like recommendations on tasty frozen or minimal assembly required meals.
My go-to gestational diabetes breakfast is egg whites, avocado, black beans and salsa, so trying to stay away from those types of meals. TIA!
AnotherTwinMom says
I would make lasagna with zucchini noodles. We would make it on sunday night and I would work my way through it during the week. Crustless quiche was also fast and easy, but maybe not if you’re having eggs for breakfast. You could also do sheet pan dinners of chicken and veggies.
Cate says
Cauliflower gnocchi! That’s been successful for me.
Anonymous says
All of the TJ’s bagged salad kits are yummy. You can add the grilled or roasted chicken strips for some protein. The salmon burgers are also delicious and very easy to cook in a frying pan. I haven’t tried the cauliflower gnocchi, but it has a great reputation.
Also cheese. All the cheese.
anne-on says
I rely A LOT on the TJ’s bagged salad along with roasted protein. We try to avoid a ton of carbs for calorie reasons and for your situation I’d toss the add ins (dried fruit/nuts/dressings) in favor of my own nuts and homemade dressing. The TJs pork loin (un-marinated) is great, and so are a lot of their frozen fishes. I’d preheat your oven the second you walk in the door and then stick your protein in, bagged salad takes maybe 2 minutes to put into a bowl, add toppings, and do a dressing (tahini plus lime juice plus lime zest with salt/pepper in a current fave of mine).
I also like the TJs haricot verts roasted in the TJ’s sesame oil with salt/pepper if you’re looking for an ‘everything goes in the oven to roast!’ night.
Anonymous says
Don’t forget about spaghetti squash as a pasta sub – not sure you can get it frozen but it is easy to make a big batch ahead.
Anonymous says
I think lentil pasta is gd-friendly. TJ’s has some good ones. I’d also look into soups and chilis.
OP says
Thanks all for the recs! Adding to my grocery list now…
anon says
Which would you see as the most appropriate book/series for 2nd graders (girls and boys): Elephant and Piggie, I Survived, Magic Tree House or Who would win?
I’m looking for books to pass out as a party favor. DS is really into Percy Jackson books (so is not being helpful), but they’re too expensive.
Anonymous says
Elephant and Piggie is too junior. My vote is Magic Tree House. I don’t know the others
Anonymous says
My 1st grader loves Boxcar Children. Agree that Elephant and Piggies is a little more junior.
Anonymous says
Magic Tree House is also too junior for second grade. I’d go with Humphrey the hamster.
anon says
Ooh, Humphrey is a great idea!
anne-on says
I’d do a mix of Magic Tree House and Who Would Win. Boys/Girls both seem super into Magic Tree House but who would win is a BIG hit with all the 1st-3rd grade boys I know. Elephant and Piggie is cute but definitely seen as more juvenile.
I love books as party favors – that’s my go to as well (and less plastic junk!) :)
anon says
That’s a good point! Maybe I’ll do a mix.
Anonymous says
If he and his peers are reading Percy Jackson, all the series you mention are too easy. I would go with something middle grade, not early chapter books.
anon says
That’s sort of my issue – I don’t have any idea what everyone else is reading. (This is for his class, not his friends.) He just happens to have an older brother and reads whatever he’s reading :).
Anonymous says
In second grade, my kid and her peers were reading Percy Jackson and Harry Potter, so I would say what your son is reading is a good guide to the appropriate level. My kid and her friends considered themselves far too sophisticated for Magic Tree House at that age ;)
Redux says
Have you seen the Eerie Elementary books? We picked one up this weekend and seems like a lot of fun for this age group (and cheap, because they’re by Scholastic).
Anonymous says
Has anyone had success negotiating a flexible or alternative work schedule as part of a new job at a new company? Trying to decide on the feasibility of requesting it at a new position.
CR says
When I accepted my new position I negotiated for less than 40 hours and pitched it it to the boss that 1) they would save money and 2) I would get as much done in fewer hours because I would be more efficient. I was recruited and I knew they wanted me so I had some leverage.