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For the majority of my life, I have had uncolored and untreated hair. I had highlights for one brief moment in my adult life and then I let them grow out. After having my son, my already ultra low maintenance hair and beauty routine got even more bare bones until he hit about 18 months; it felt like I had some extra headspace to start some “self care.” On a whim (and a little coaxing from my hairstylist), I decided to get a double process highlight/color. I absolutely love it and am so glad I tried it, but I do notice my already dry hair is even drier. I have my eye on this thermal hair wrap from Eva NYC, which looks like one of those paper face masks, but for your hair. Any excuse to relish some alone time in my bathroom after my son goes to sleep is good with me. This hair wrap is $12 at Target. Skip the Spa Thermal Hair Wrap This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Strolling in Paris says
I’ll be taking my 2 yo and 8 mo to France this summer. We’ll be doing 2 days at Disneyland Paris and 2 days in the city of Paris. I was planning on taking our Uppababy Vista because it’s perfect for things like Disneyland so both kids can sit or sleep comfortably, but I wonder if it’ll be too large for moving around Paris? I live in Toronto and the Vista is irritating on the subway but still manageable and not a problem anywhere else. I’ve never been to Paris though so would love to hear from others.
Cb says
I think it might be a struggle with a double stroller. My friends with babies in Paris and London typically use something smaller ( Yoyozens) and encounter issues even with the really tiny prams and buggies. Could you bring the Uppavista for Disney and babywear for Paris?
OP says
We’re taking the ergobaby for the 8 mo, but it won’t be comfortable or practical to wear the baby for 8+ hours. The toddler is too big (35 lbs) for a cloth carrier and we have a Phil and Ted backpack but it’s bulky to pack especially given all the other baby gear we have to take. Baby and toddler have opposite sleep schedules so I need them to have mobile naps or we will only see the inside of a hotel room. Baby will sleep in ergobaby or stroller, but toddler will only sleep in stroller (not backpack). I don’t have a double umbrella stroller (or know of someone I could borrow from) so I’d have to buy one just for this trip.
Anon says
I don’t have an Ubbababy, but I did Paris with a single umbrella stroller and had no problems. We walk 10+ miles a day on vacation, so babywearing isn’t practical and my kiddo sleeps much better in a stroller. It’s the same as what you said – irritating (but manageable) on the subway, great everywhere else.
Anonymous says
I think the OP’s issue is 2 stroller kids. I’d recommend an umbrella stroller with under basket storage and ability to recline + babywear. The 2y/o can walk if/when baby needs the stroller to nap.
Anonymous says
We brought our double-wide Zoe and it was fine. We had absolutely no issues walking around the city and subways were annoying, but doable. Be forewarned that Paris subways are rarely handicapped accessible, so you’ll be carrying the stroller up and down lots of stairs. I also find Paris subway stations to generally involve a lot more walking than TO stations (and TO is much better about elevators). Parisian buses are pretty good for strollers, if you’re willing to go that route.
And yes, most of the other strollers you’ll see are the tiny ones, but when you have two stroller-aged kids you don’t have a lot of choice and every local family we ran into with twins had a bigger double stroller even though they lived in Paris.
Anonymous says
I’d rather have the double-stroller and have it be suboptimal on subways etc. then have a really tired 2YO who needs to ride but has to walk. That seems to guarantee a meltdown, which won’t be the kid’s fault at all. Paris-level walking isn’t something that the 2YO will be used to, much less w/o your current stroller.
Maybe practice your setup in your city first with the 2YO but IMO keeping the same stroller will help out a ton.
Anonymous says
Why Disneyland Paris? The kids are too little for it.
Anon says
+1. We’re going to Paris this summer with our almost 2 year old. A lot of people are surprised we’re not doing EuroDisney but I feel like she’s too young for it? Or at least she’s too young to insist on it and we don’t want to do it.
Disney says
I’ve never been to Disney in Paris, but I took my LO to Disney world in Florida when she was 1.5 and had a blast! There are a surprising number if rides at Disney that work for babies/toddlers. She won’t remember it but I treasure it.
Strategy Mom says
I felt so much judgement for having a big stroller in Paris. The stores and restaurants have zero room for big strollers and we often had to leave our stroller out on the sidewalk. If you can borrow a front/back double stroller or baby wear and use one stroller, I’d suggest it. But if you’re only there 2 days, you can make do with a double wide stroller if needed.
My only other comment is that restaurants were not baby friendly for the most part…. We loooooved this agency if you want a sitter one night: https://www.baby-prestige.com/nos-services/?v=7516fd43adaa
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but the Vista is a front-back stroller.
Also, I’m surprised you felt judged, since we had the opposite experience. We had people gladly let us bring our double-wide stroller with sleeping kids into restaurants, which was great for having a leisurely lunch while they napped!
Anon says
I’m really surprised you didn’t find Paris restaurants baby-friendly. We didn’t dine at Michelin starred places but all the bistros we popped into were very welcoming and they really doted on our LO.
Strategy Mom says
We had 2 kids and were a big group because grandparents came with, so I’m sure that played into it? Who knows! Just our experience (but we def felt judged and I speak fluent french and go to paris often and love it), YMMV!
Anonymous says
Take the stroller your kids are used to. My friend just took an umbrella to Europe last year (8 month old) and he wouldn’t sleep in it at all – though he would sleep great in his normal stroller. We have traveled with our vista only and so far it has been great – however, for restaurants etc we generally do the full fold up to leave it somewhere away from the table now that the little one is older. Paris might be hit and miss for parking a full stroller by your table with a sleeping baby.
Tired, so tired says
Help! My almost 2 year old won’t sleep! This is my second child, and we learned a lot of valuable sleep lessons with my older child so, since day one we have been firm on having him go to sleep on his own in his own room and it’s been fine and we’ve never really needed to do any sleep training. Now all of a sudden he won’t fall asleep unless held and often wakes up at night wanting to be held again. We tried sleep training but gave up after 2+ hours- he is so so stubborn and the exhaustion seems to make him even more irrational. We tried the sleep lady shuffle that I learned from all of you for my older child but he won’t even calm down with me sitting in a chair right next to the crib.
Any ideas? He is exhausted and so are we.
Anonymous says
Night waking makes me think it might be teething? Especially given that it’s prime time for 2 year old molars. Try tylenol at bedtime but it wears off after 4-6 hours so you might need to redose over night. Does he have a nightlight? My youngest is super sensitive to the dark and panics if he wakes up in the dark.
For separation anxiety, I found it helpful to do babywearing between coming home from daycare and dinner, and then again after dinner until bedtime if needed. Getting the phyiscal contact out of the way during waking hours seemed to reduce the need overnight. Being worn in a carrier seemed to work better than just holidng him or snuggling on the sofa. It’s like he stopped worried about being put down. I did an ergo or toddler tula on my back. Eventually just 5-10 minutes up on back when we got home was enough. Left carrier on dining room chair so kid could bring it whenever he needed an ‘up’. Back carry meant I could still cook dinner at the same time.
Anonymous says
I. Hope there is a solution for you. My second was like this (and my first and third were not) and the answer is simply that she’s a crap sleeper. She needs less of it, but also has the most trouble getting back to sleep. She’s also the most stubborn. At 2.5 she’s still sometimes getting up at 5am wanting a snack, or with a wet diaper (or accident- she’s insisting on no diaper these days…) and just cannot get back to sleep. Alone, with someone in her bed, with her in our bed- we’ve tried it all. And as a bonus she won’t watch TV so we can’t plop her in our bed and out on cartoons while we nap.
I like to think she’ll take care of me in my old age. I have to because otherwise I want to strangle her stubborn little neck when she screams in my face at 4 in the morning and wakes the entire house!
anon says
do you find yourself generally less patient with your 2.5 year old since she sounds like the more difficult child? or that you act differently towards her than your others since she is more challenging? i have twins and one is so much easier than the other, and i of course love them both the same, but hate myself for sometimes feeling stronger feelings for the easier one
Anonymous says
Eh, it’s hard to say. My middle is a toddler, but she’s also the smartest, sassiest, and most stubborn. And honestly has been since the day she was born. She never slept, shrieked/screamed since day 1 (still had no “inside voice), has logic and vocabulary well beyond her years to the point her daycare teachers have commented that she “runs circles around the toddler room and sometimes we just put her in the preschool class so she can have a good conversation” haha.
So, yes, I sometimes have less patience with her but she’s also thenone that’s constantly draining my reserve of patience.
It’s so bad I asked her dr if she needs to be evaluated for….anything. Once we found out that she’s a perfect little (crafty, chatty) angel at daycare and we realized she literally just preys upon the weak minded (ie, me) we felt better.
My oldest and youngest don’t and have never woken up *for good despite all pleas, bribes and bargains* at 4am. My oldest never declared “I am done with diapers now.” And refused to ever put one on again. I’m also 99% sure she had a near photographic memory.
We are working hard to channel her powers for good :-).
Anon in NYC says
We sleep trained early, and my daughter was a great sleeper, but she went through really rough patches of sleep at around 14-16 months, and again at around 2 years. For her 2 year old sleep issues, I think it was a combination of molars, separation anxiety, and waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. We didn’t have an issue with actually going to sleep, but it was the 5+ wakeups every night that were killing us. We got a weighted blanket and it worked really really well. Like, immediate drop in wakeups on night 1, and then fully sleeping through the night within a week. Good luck.
Anonymous says
Around that age we pushed bedtime back about 1/2 hour and had good success. Kiddo reached a stage where she need a bit less sleep. But I also agree with the molars.
FVNC says
This is rough. My almost two year old also recently went through a patch of bad sleep following a weeklong illness. Two things helped get him back to normal sleep: 1) for times he was truly awake (standing up, eyes open, screaming), husband (NOT ME) slept on the floor in a sleeping bag next to kid’s crib. This seemed to help with separation anxiety, and kid was okay with husband not holding him (if it were me, he would demand to be held); and 2) for times he was just starting to wake up, sort of still asleep, me going in, picking him up, and singing his bedtime song/repeating his bedtime phrases (for us, “rock-a-by-baby” and “good night, I love you, it’s time to sleep now”). This seemed to signal to him that it was sleep time. After about a week of bad sleep for everyone, kid seems to be back to normal, i.e., can put himself back to sleep if he wakes in the middle of the night. These are pretty specific, but just throwing them out there for inspiration. Good luck, hope it improves soon!
Patty Mayonnaise says
My son recently went through this, starting during our holiday trip to stay with family (ugh!) when he was about 20 months old. It seemed to coincide with a wonky schedule from the holidays and an increase in separation anxiety… Of course we couldn’t do this when we were staying at a house full of people, but once we got home, we did some modified sleep training. I’d first explain to him that I knew he could rest on his own, and we’d be right outside if he really needed us. We’d go in to repeat that phrase (but not pick him up!) after he cried for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15, etc. Luckily this only took about a week. Good luck!
Sahara says
I had kids at 38 and almost 40. I nursed them both for about a year. Then, after #2, I got a depo shot at about 6 weeks post-partum. It turned my nether regions into the Sahara. I got a second depo shot. I eventually stopped nursing. I’m still in my 40s. Periods are regular. The Sarhara situation has not let up though — is this more of an aging function? It was never a problem pre-kids. I really, really blame the depo shot (and myself for getting a second one), but could that just be an unfortunate timing coincidence? This is all almost ancient history. Other than just always having lube on hand, is there anything else to easily be done?
Anonymous says
This happened to me around 36 without any depo shots or kids (at the time). I have premature ovarian failure which means early menopause, and I think that’s where my issue came from. It’s been emotional for me but I’ve tried to get over it and just use lube.
Anon says
+1. This is premenopause, which can start up to a decade before your period stops. I wouldn’t blame the depo.
Anonymous says
I am younger but found that after my first, my birth control really messed me up. I am super hormone sensitive. I recommend a non-hormonal birth control (if you can) and a long break from any hormones. That is what worked for me.
Anon says
Hi Hive,
Looking for words of encouragement. My husband found out last Wednesday that his sales territory is changing to an hour+ away from our home. He started this job a year ago in the territory where we live so he could be around more for our 2 year old son, etc. Also it included his hometown so he has lots of connections etc in the area. He literally didn’t want to leave the house all weekend b/c he is so upset by this. He had this territory for a previous job and didn’t like it was depressed when he had it etc. I had to drag him out of the house last night for the first outing of the entire weekend to go to the grocery store. He was just staring blankly at everything. I keep telling him that everything is going to be ok but he is a mess about it. Any words of wisdom?
TIA!
Anon says
Job hunt? Not to be flippant but this isn’t the only job in the world. If he’s not happy about it why doesn’t he try to find something else?
Anonymous says
This. Not sure his industry but a good sales person is very coveted. Go somewhere where you like the territory.
Anonymous says
This. He knows this won’t work for him, and he should rip off the bandaid and find something new sooner rather than later.
I’m not in sales, but have been in the midst of a similar experience. I took a job specifically because my office is 2 miles from home, and it makes my life so. much. easier. with kids. Months ago, the company announced this office is closing and my new job location will be an hour+ away, although I will have more telework flexibility. I’ve stuck it out in wait-and-see mode so far, and I very much regret it. The move is now imminent and I don’t feel any better about the looming prospect of the drive. It’s been a constant stress, and I realize now I should have committed to a focused job search right away and found something new.
OP says
Agreed – I said if you don’t want to work in that territory then time to start looking for new opportunities. The issue is that it is difficult in our part of the state to find a well paying job just b/c cost of living is lower. To be honest if he likes his job that’s all I care about.
Anonymous says
try to get him to focus on this being his job right now and not his ‘forever job’. Starting to job hunt may be helpful even if he stays in this job because then it will be a choice to be there.
Can he organize his work differently so he works out of the home office a couple days a week and then does the commute on the other days so he’s not driving 2 hours + every day.
OP says
That’s a great idea. Yes it’s all about choices. Appreciate your insight.
Strategy Mom says
How often do territories change? At my company, all the time. So remind him it might not be forever.
OP says
That’s what I’ve been telling him that it is Sales and territories change it’s just the way it is. Thanks for your insight.
H13 says
I am looking for a toy for a soon-to-be two-year-old. He loves the old school cash register we have for him. I think it is the combination of putting something in plus buttons plus a few options for cause/effect.
Does anyone have a rec for something else like that? No lights, sounds, etc. preferably. TIA!
Cb says
We have the Fisher Price cash register and it is definitely a hit. I wonder about some sort of ball or car run?
AwayEmily says
Following! My 12mo is WAAAAY more into pushing buttons than his big sister ever was so something like you’re talking about would be great for him, too.
rosie says
Melissa & Doug has a mailbox toy–I think they have a few different ones, but the one I am thinking of is a big blue mailbox with a key, and you can put different postcards in. He might be a little young to do everything you can with it, but a toy he could enjoy now and grow into, I would think. https://www.target.com/p/melissa-doug-174-stamp-and-sort-wooden-mailbox-activity-and-toy/-/A-50903614
Cb says
No buttons but don’t underestimate the value of pompoms to rejeuvenate toys. My son can put pompoms into the side of his Green Toys bin lorry for at least 15 minutes. He pops them into the recycling slot and then dumps them out the back.
Ms B says
+1. At this age the Green Toys trucks with pretty much anything that could go in and out of them were a big hit at our house. We had the recycling truck, the sea plane, and the bus; in combination with Duplos they occupied hours at this age. The old-school Tupperware shape sorter and the M&D “Bug Jug” and Aquarium also got good play at that age.
Cb says
We’ve got the bus, bin lorry, and drive-on ferry. They are so good. I really like the ikea house shaped shape sorter. The M&D stacking boxes were ignored for 6 months but have been the number 1 request this week.
AwayEmily says
Everyone else’s children seem so much better at navigating choking hazards than mine. My 12mo would immediately put all the pompoms into his mouth and try to swallow them. Even my 3yo I would not entirely trust around them (we still don’t let her have any toys with small pieces).
DLC says
The Melissa and Doug shopping cart! We bought it when my little one was two, and five years later she is still getting great use out of it, as does her toddler brother. It is a little pricy, but cost per use it is the cheapest toy in our house. I like that it is an actual metal shopping cart and looks like what you use in the store.
And your kid can pretend to go shopping and check out his groceries at his cash register!
Anonymous says
My 2.5 year old has always been a great, easy sleeper. We went to Grandma’s last week and he started sobbing uncontrollably when we left the room at bedtime and naptime. Foolishly, I let my MIL lay on the floor until he fell asleep one night (she was so damn insistent!) and now this is what he wants for every nap/bedtime, even though we’ve been back home since Friday. He’s recently been getting scared by more things (i.e. “thunder” even though it’s the garbage truck) but I think this is more about realizing he can manipulate us into staying by screaming his head off. I hate how worked up he gets — it feels a bit too much to just do CIO — but I’m also out of ideas and with an 8m old who is also being a pain with sleep lately, I can’t afford to spend that much time doing his bedtimes. Any suggestions? Thanks!
anne-on says
I’d CIO again. Sorry, it stinks, but we had to do it again at that age as well. If it helps, it went MUCH faster because he could understand logic better. There’s a section in Ferber at training older kids, and it encourages having a set routine (or a shortened version for naps) and just following it despite the screaming. You may find that you lose this nap for now (ie – he may cry during the whole nap) but hopefully it only takes a few days before he goes back to ‘normal’ sleep.
OP says
Thank you — part of the problem I’ve had with doing CIO is that his baby brother’s room is close by and I’m afraid he’s going to wake him (after such a struggle to get the little one to sleep!). But we may just need to deal with that until the older one gets sorted out!
Jocelyn says
Get a portable white noise machine for the hallway! The marpac dohmn makes a portable one that can get incredibly loud, it’s what we used when we had to re-train our 2 year old while not waking up our new baby. Just don’t buy the infant one because that one won’t get as loud. Now we use it to keep the toddler sleeping through the baby’s cries at night.
anon says
PSA–I love my Dohmn but IMO the $20 HoMedics sound machine gets WAY louder.
AwayEmily says
That sounds tough, especially with the 8mo! You may have already tried this but what about having a brainstorming session with him (while he is in a good mood) about what might help? My daughter went through a similar phase at that age (tho not quite as intense) and together we came up with the idea of putting several of her stuffed animals sitting right outside the crib to keep her safe. So every night we had a little ritual where she chose which stuffed animals she wanted, then set them up outside her crib. It only lasted for a few months but seemed to give her more control/peace of mind.
Cb says
Any creative train table / storage ideas? We visited some family members this weekend and my son (18 months) was obsessed with their Brio and the train table. He has an amazing play table already but I don’t think it’d be big enough to run even a small circular line and we definitely don’t have room for any more furniture. Some sort of fold out tray that could tuck under his crib /later toddler bed?
AwayEmily says
I would say you might want to wait and see if the obsession goes away — it might have just been because it was novel, not because he is actually super into trains. We got some hand-me-down brio and my daughter LOVED it for like a week and now is like “meh.” It’s a pretty big toy commitment in terms of space.
Cb says
Good point! He is super into trains in general (we regularly pop into the train station en route to nursery to say hello to the choo choo trains) but maybe I should get a train and a small circular track to see if it’s a thing with longevity.
Anonymous says
Something like this?
https://m.kohls.com/product/prd-3510010/simplay3-carry-go-track-table.jsp?skuid=74025115&ci_mcc=ci&utm_campaign=EC%20TOYS&utm_medium=CSE&utm_source=google&utm_product=74025115&CID=shopping15&utm_campaignid=1075319679&pid=googleadwords_int&af_channel=CSE&gclid=Cj0KCQiA14TjBRD_ARIsAOCmO9ZTMB8OAaH3_CMXH4ENsJMRKY2bjUglaZhE7Xmpjk2rlwOHa5h-3lAaAgNREALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Strategy Mom says
We decided not to get a train table bc it limits them when they get older – they are stuck with a basic track vs. being able to build more elaborate tracks that weave around the room. One good option – land of nod used to have a small rug that had roads on it and you could use that? We have a big pottery barn woven basket with a nice lid that we use to store train so it isn’t an eyesore in our living room.
anon says
I think using the floor with some sort of storage container is the right idea here!
rosie says
I think Ikea has this kind of rug as well–roads, ponds, etc.
Betty says
Ditto on the floor idea. We have a large plastic bin that houses all of the trains and tracks. My kids will occasionally haul the whole thing out and create a track around the living room/kitchen. I don’t think a train table is necessary.
Anonymous says
Someone I know took the legs off a train table and put the top on casters to slide under the bed. If you have carpet, you could probably even use furniture sliders under the tabletop.
We never bothered with a train table. We just kept the trains and tracks in a box and let her build a new track on the floor every time she got it out. Building the track is most of the fun anyway.
Spirograph says
+1 to just buy the tracks and don’t bother with a train table. Ikea and brio tracks are mostly compatible (ikea bridges are a little too low for the tall Thomas engines, though), and are always available 2nd hand.
We have a train table, and I think my kids actually play with the trains less now than they did when they just put them on the floor. My theories: 1. The train table becomes a dumping ground for other stuff, so they have to clear it off to play and 2. It’s harder to build a small track than a big winding one, especially for preschoolers that aren’t able to plan out the route ahead of time. They put 3 straight pieces down, then they’re out of space and they get frustrated.
We have one of those ikea rugs with roads and ponds and whatever on it, too, and it gets zero use. Bare floor is all you need!
Anonymous says
+1 – we have a table meant to house train track and son still always prefers the floor for train layouts. Train table is lego staging/dumping area.
pregnancy weight gain says
Anyone care to share experience/advice with weight gain from one pregnancy to another? I ended up gaining about 18 lbs with my son 2 years ago and he was average size (6 lbs 11 oz) at birth. I was surprised to lose the weight very quickly and actually became pretty thin while nursing. I started my current pregnancy ~12 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant with my son and the weight gain pattern seemed similar with no change in the 1st tri, but then it’s really picked up in the 2nd. I am now ~24 weeks and have already gained 15 lbs. I know there are crazy variations and my doctor isn’t concerned, but I’m nervous about having a much bigger baby and vainly, losing the weight after. I tend towards paranoid about weight stuff, but have been trying to eat reasonably healthy while not denying myself anything and also staying fairly active. But I’m still nervous. Any advice?
Artemis says
I completely understand your concerns, but in my experience (3 pregnancies, 3 births), it is not going to be the same from baby to baby in almost any respect and your body can’t be counted on to adhere to prior “rules”. I’m sorry if that’s not comforting but it’s the truth, at least for me! Remember this, even if you are not AMA, your body is 2 years older now, and into your 30s and 40s, 2 years can make a big difference in the “bounce back” factor (or lack thereof).
My only advice is, your weight gain has almost nothing to do with the size of your baby, your weight gain and stabilization pattern will be different in every pregnancy, you started “underweight” compared to your prior self so you have a cushion, and it’s really actually a mental game to learn acceptance.
I worked really hard to lose the weight after my first, was successful, gained about the same with my second pregnancy but struggled to get it off, finally gave up when I decided I wanted a third, was my heaviest ever at the end of my third pregnancy, ended up with a belly flap/apron afterwards that I didn’t have before, and was in despair that I would be fat and flabby forever and live in a body I hated unless I could change my mental state. My youngest is 3.5 and I’m staring down 40. However, in the last year I made small changes that I thought would make a mental difference for me, and finally my body responded as well. I’m losing weight and getting fitter and have hope that it may have been a long road, but I’m getting back to happy with my body again, even though it’s radically different than it was when I started at 29.
I wish you the best, and a healthy rest of your pregnancy!
anon4this says
Since having a kid, I have found our marriage kind of unfulfilling. Husband seems to dislike being around family (which I get, because toddlers can be a PIA, I sometimes feel that way too) and just.. has his own life. I have talked about him about this ad nauseum and it always comes out that husband just enjoys other things more than family (work, friends, hobbies) and family is just not that enjoyable. He is for sure around when not working, but sometimes it feels like he just tried to leave things to me and avoid house stuff, which doesn’t feel fair. And honestly sometimes I prefer him to be gone rather than be pouty around me and toddler, at least we have more fun that way. We have talked a lot about this, and he promises to put in more effort, but how do you get yourself to prioritize and enjoy something you don’t?
Anonymous says
Why do you want to be married to someone who has repeatedly told you he doesn’t enjoy spending time with you and would rather do anything else? Get a divorce.
Anon says
This seems way out of proportion to the situation described here.
OP, I know counseling is a basic answer, but that really is the best answer IMO.
I also think there’s an argument for just powering through in some ways; the toddler age is rough, and some people just aren’t toddler people. Don’t let him off the hook by any means, but if he is showing up and doing what he needs to do but the main issue is just his attitude, I’d be inclined to ignore and carry on.
OP says
I thought about it. What stops me is how much pain it would cause kid and the practical things (finances, not seeing kid half the time). And the memories of how things used to be pre-kids.
Anonymous says
Kid would be fine andyoud figure finances out. If this is where you are, it’s time for counseling
Anon says
I think OP is saying she would be sad to only see kid half the time. I understand how that would be very difficult to deal with.
Anon says
I wouldn’t minimize how hard divorce is. It. Is. Hard.
Yes, it can be done and I’m not saying it’s something that should never be considered, but in this situation I think the problems you’re having are very normal. Parenting toddlers is hard, and I think it’s common to struggle to connect with a toddler. His response (avoiding the situation) isn’t the right response, but I don’t think ending the marriage is necessarily the right response either. I’d at least try to work through this first.
I know so many patents who love hanging with their elementary-school age kids who did not feel that way about their toddlers
Anon says
Agreed. I’ve seen so many friends go through divorce and I’m convinced I never want to do it, unless I’m incredibly unhappy being married or the household isn’t a positive environment for children.
Call me shallow, but my husband earns more than I do and having one household is significantly cheaper than two. There’s no way I could maintain my current standard of living if we divorced, and I’d probably have to work long hours at a job I hate just to support my kids in a minimal fashion. Having my kids only half the time would break my heart and I know my husband wouldn’t be ok with every-other-weekend custody. As long as we can be peacefully married without excessive fighting (even if we function more as roommates and co-parents), there’s a lot of upside to staying married and I believe I’m happier in my not-great marriage than I’d be as a broke single mom. Life is long, and I may have another chapter when my kids are grown, but I think it’s a bit flippant to say “kids will be fine and you’ll figure out finance.” Those are some very compelling reasons to hold off on divorce.
OP says
Anon at 12:04 – this is exactly why the idea of divorce seems terrible. The financial aspect of it would sting (husband earns a lot more than me too), and I am not so unhappy that I can’t take it. Maybe the way to handle this is to work on it through counseling like everyone suggested, and if things don’t get better just see him more as a roommate and stop caring about our relationship too.
Anon says
I’m in a similar boat, although in my case it’s just that he enjoys work above all else and will basically be working 24/7 unless I force him to do an official activity (which he treats as a chore just like washing the dishes). I was definitely attracted to his ambition and passion for his job in the beginning, but it’s hard now. Pre-kid, we did our own thing a lot – he had his work, and I had my own work, my friends and hobbies, so it wasn’t hard to just go to our separate corners with a weekly date night. But when I had my daughter, I wanted to basically be working 40 hours/week and spending the rest of the time with my family. I don’t expect my husband to be similarly family-obsessed, but it’s hard that he doesn’t want to do anything with us and I feel like I’m twisting his arm all the time to get him to do something really basic like go to the library story time. He will do it – just like he does his assigned chores – but it hurts to be seen as a chore and not something fun.
OP says
This is exactly how my husband is, and how things were for us pre-kids. How do you cope with it?
Anon says
Anon at 10:38 here. I don’t have any great advice. It’s just something I’m low key sad about most of the time but I’m gradually accepting it. My daughter is 2 now so still very needy. I hope that as she gets older and goes off on her own to do her own thing more and more, I can reclaim some of my hobbies and have more of an identity apart from my family. Vacations are a particular battle for us – husband spends the whole time working so (understandably) doesn’t want to shell out the cash for international plane tickets or nice hotel rooms to do what he could be doing for free at home. Right now vacations aren’t really practical without two adults, but I hope that in a year or two when DD is potty-trained and more independent, we can start traveling and having adventures just her and me and it will be a lot more fun.
anon says
what does your DH do for a living that he is so passionate about that he works even on vacation?
Anon says
Clearly not DH, but I work even on vacation because it’s expected at my job (which I love even though I wish it didn’t come with obligations like working on vacation). “Vacation” means I probably only bill 2-3 hours a day, or if I’m really lucky and convince my colleagues to staff a replacement on my projects, I may only bill every other day!
Anon says
He’s an academic. There are exceptions of course, but as a group they tend to be workaholics, because it’s really hard to succeed at a top research university unless you love what you to do to the extent that you consider 70+ hour workweeks fun. He also travels internationally frequently for work, which is common in his profession, so that adds to his lack of interest in traveling just for vacation. Long term, the plan is for us to choose some of us his trips to accompany him, and DD and I will sightsee while he works, which will hopefully make everyone happy. It’s a bit challenging with a 2 year old, but should get easier within the next year or two.
anon says
i don’t know what his specialty is, but he reminds me of a relative of mine who is an academic and is just very intellectual in nature. like every conversation with him turns into something more than it has to be. i know that for their family it became better once the kids reached the elementary school level, or at least older toddlers and he could have more a conversation with them and take them to museums, etc. even that had nothing to do with his specialty. your DH might begin to enjoy the kid more once she is a bit older. I also like the idea of you accompanying DH on trips. I don’t know if he gives a lot of talks on these trips, but maybe these are a great way to travel as a family bc DH can get his work time in, but also spend time with you and DD.
I know this is talked about a lot on the main site, but maybe this is the price of admission for your relationship with DH and you’ve decided that the pros outweigh the cons. If you feel burnt out, can you sometimes hire a baby sitter so you can have some alone time? Or pre kids – what did you and DH do together that was fun for both of you? It sounds like you spent a lot of time independently, which honestly my DH and I did too, but maybe if family time of you + DD + DH right now is not always the most pleasant, you can try spending some time just with DH?
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 10:38 and 12:15. In my case, it’s less about him not enjoying our daughter and more about him not wanting to do anything but work. Nothing has really changed with him, but his workaholic tendencies make me more sad than they did before we have a family. It sounds like OP’s situation may be slight different. I’m not feeling burned out – he shoulders his load on chores, and I absolutely adore spending time with my DD (I actually dream of becoming a SAHM, although it’s not practical for a variety of reasons) – it’s just that he clearly views family time as an obligation and that hurts. But yeah, I’ve basically accepted it as a price of admission thing.
Emily S. says
Op, I’ve also been in a similar boat, but it seems to be getting better as the kids get older. I know that’s an incredibly frustrating response — just wait, all parents say ad nausem, but at least for my DH, who functions on a higher intellectual level than everyone I know, being with babies and toddlers was frustrating and disappointing for him and those feelings made him feel very guilty, and on and on down the spiral. But, as baby grew into toddler who could walk and talk and toddler into preschooler who talks all the time, plays nonstop, he changed. He still needs his alone time but he genuinely enjoys playing with our 3.5 y.o. Admittedly, he needs more alone time than is ideal for me and I’d like to see him spend more time with both kids, but it is something I’ve learned to live with. (Which is not to say I handle it with beauty and grace every day.) I need to be better about forcing the issue by scheduling time for myself (after all, if he goes to a library every weekend for a few hours to write, why can’t I take an hour to get a cup of coffee?I could, I just don’t.)) And perhaps that’s why I would echo the therapy suggestion — for you and for both of you. So, gently, try to see his side, acknowledge his feelings, and instead of coming at it as a problem you need to solve, explore why you feel the way you do, what you can do, what’s out of your control, and how you can both change to get to a better (not perfect!) place. Some combination of standing up for yourself and giving him some grace. Easy, right? :)
Anon says
This is good advice.
anne-on says
I got in a rut when my kiddo was small/toddler aged that I handled most of the weekend activities and daddy got more time to relax/run errands/go to the gym. No, I don’t know why, and yes it was stupid on my part and bred resentment. What helped was designating blocks of time (me time, him time, family time, chore time). So – Saturday morning till 11 or so was my time with our son, we’d swap so my husband would do lunch/nap while I did groceries/errands, Saturday afternoon/evening was family time (dinner, play time, etc.) and Sunday AM was my time. I left him to figure out his own activities with some guidance. No, toddler are generally not super fun. Yes, there was whining (my husband’s) and talk about how hard it was to do things with a small child/I don’t know what to put in the diaper bag/what should we do/etc. etc. etc. The best thing I did was to just vanish and let him figure it out. He eventually did, and now they have daddy/son weekends all the time.
I don’t say this lightly, but if he isn’t willing to suck it up and parent, well, then yea, I’d go to therapy and seriously consider divorce.
Anon says
For a while I was like your husband. In part this was due to my schedule but of course hobbies or outings with friends are more fun than toddlers so I kept doing more of them. But then I realized (honestly after seeing a family member divorce in part due to their inequitable family labor) I didn’t like how absent I was and just decided to make a concerted effort. I don’t know if this helps other than to say I understand where he is coming from but also toddlers sometimes are just hard. He has to make a decision to be more present and put effort into that. If he’s not going to reach that on his own then I agree with the other poster who suggested carving out time for him one on one with kid so he has to figure it out. He’ll figure it out (or if he doesn’t, then I’d suggest counseling).
Aly says
This makes me sad for you. My husband hates (HATES) specific activities with our toddler, like library story time. If I asked him to go, he would, but he would be unhappy. However, he will take her into the garage and help her “build” things or outside sledding. What does your husband like to do that a toddler (and eventually an older kid) could do with him? Tennis? Hiking? For us, we do far easier hikes than we used to do pre-kid (a half day with breaks for snacks as opposed to a full day mountain hike) or camping at less wild places, but it’s still fun. My husband loves outdoors, I like family time, the kid like hanging out with everyone. While I enjoy spending time as a family, I’ve also found my husband got better at “playing” with our kid the more he did it solo.
anon says
Just another point of view to consider. I have 3 kids and a husband who is really involved and great with the kids — but he has never been a fan of typical kid things, especially toddler kid things like story time at the library or kid museums, etc. I don’t think he’s ever done those things between the 3 kids. But, he is always willing to take the kids on walks/bike rides/scooter rides, or to run errands with him (think Costco, Home Depot, etc.). He enjoys things like board games, card games and puzzles – which I don’t have the patience for. And, as they’ve gotten older, he does the soccer games and football games without any complaint. My point being that maybe you guys need to come up with things he does enjoy doing that he can incorporate the kid into. Hope this helps some. Good luck!
OP says
Thank you everyone for your comments. I think one thing that didn’t come through is that my husband is considerate in the sense that he will play with toddler, take toddler out, join us for family activities, etc, but he just doesn’t love it and will try to get out of it if I let him. Maybe I need to be better about vanishing and letting him figure it out.
It’s not that he doesn’t do them, it’s just the sense that he doesn’t prioritize and that his career comes first, then himself (hobbies, friends, fun), then us. I think my career took a huge hit (I am as ambitious as my husband) since having toddler because of his attitude, and I have resentment about that too. Sometimes he will get in moods where he doesn’t want to be with us, and honestly half the time I would rather spend time by myself with kid, and then have him take kid so I can spend time doing other things.
I agree with everyone that counseling is a good idea. I wonder sometimes if things would be different with someone else, or if this is just how men are.
Eek says
I’m guesing you’ve already seen it recommended here, but if not, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Having Kids is a great read.
Anonymous says
Agree that it’s a great read – and it’s one your husband should read too. Then read Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” (which is discussed and applied in How Not to Hate…). I’d try reading and implementing those strategies together first, then seeking the benefit of couple’s therapy if you can’t get into a good groove without help (which is totally normal and not a sign of marital doom, despite some of the comments in this thread). But caveat – if husband is not even on board with reading these two books or trying out those strategies, it’s time for therapy immediately.
Anon in NYC says
This is not how men are, generally. Everyone has their faults, and I think most parents, regardless of gender, have periods where they’d rather not deal with their kids. I know that me and my husband both have moments where one of us is just fed up, or we need a break and we don’t want to engage with our kid. And yes, there are times where one of us is picking up the slack for the other. But I never feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me/us.
I’m sorry. What you’re describing really really stinks. It sounds like your husband is going through the motions of being a good dad but his heart isn’t in it. And I don’t know how you actually change that.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is not just how men are. At least, my husband is not at all like this. Reading comments here and on the main site, I sometimes feel like we’re outliers but I sure hope not! If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t love the toddler stage because, yeah they can be annoying and needy and tantrumy, but I love my family life and will do things as a family even though I would rather sit at home and read a book. Because I chose to have a family and I love them and it’s important to me to build a relationship with them, even in this (IMHO) very difficult stage. Kids are not always going to be fun – if he’s not making an effort now, what is he going to do when they’re teenagers and are also emotionally difficult like toddlers but will actually remember dad not being around or dad not liking them? Parenting is hard and you have to decide whether it’s a priority for you.
I agree that you should go to counseling to discuss some of these issues. It sounds like parenting is not really a priority for him, and you may ultimately have to decide whether that is a deal breaker for you if he doesn’t want to change. Because dealing kids will not necessarily get easier. Of course you can have date nights and hobbies and all that (and you should!) but ultimately parenting seems to be a priority for you and not for him.
So Anon says
Gently, I would recommend couple’s counseling. While there were certainly other issues in our marriage, the idea that my children and I were not a priority to my soon-to-be-ex husband was incredibly difficult and a central challenge to our marriage. I tried discussing it with him many times, but little would change. It took years to realize he was depressed and more years before he would engage with couple’s counseling, and the resentment that was bred in between, I believe, was one of the issues that I could just not see past. I kept waiting for things to get better: surely it would get better after the baby phase, the toddler phase, when they are out of Pre-K….
CPA Lady says
This is not how men are. This is how some men are. And how some women are too. But there’s more societal expectations placed on mothers, so we’re better at hiding it (or going the “mommy juice” route to get through it).
I’m going to come across as a monster here, but I really struggled with the young kid years myself. I found it, generally speaking, an irritating, boring, exhausting slog, and I wondered if I made a mistake in becoming a mother. I wondered if I was somehow unfit for it. I was really upset and cried many times with guilt and shame over it. I hate playing with play doh and coloring and being touched by dirty sticky hands and other young kid stuff. I hate tantrums and never knowing what would cause the next meltdown. I never had a weekend that I wanted to last longer when my kid was a toddler. I was happy to go back to work every single Monday.
I love my kid a lot, but I was just putting on a happy face with a lot of the stuff we did when she was younger. But the older she gets the more I’m genuinely enjoying spending time with her. I loved when she was a baby and I love elementary school aged kids and older kids and I’m so excited about doing stuff with a kid that age. But the toddler and pre-school years were pretty annoying. Age 1 was the worst, 2 was bad, 3 was bad, 4 turned a corner. We just got back from a week long vacation and had the best time together. I was actually sad to go back to work this week.
So maybe wait it out a bit and see how things go? There is no way I could have been badgered or guilted or talked into enjoying the toddler years. I just had to wait them out, trying to find little rays of sunshine and happiness when they came. If he is still an @$$hat after the young years are over, then maybe start thinking about some options. Definitely don’t have another kid, though.
Super anon for this reply says
OK so, I’m your husband. Not literally, but you know what I mean.
However, the difference is, I knew that going in to my marriage. When I married my husband, I already had a kid, and was upfront that I did not plan to/want to have more. It ended up being something I could tell he really wanted, and that I wanted to do, but we had a lot of talks on the front end about. I do not enjoy babies, and the toddler stage is rough for everyone. I am an extroverted person who NEEDS conversation with a variety of people. Luckily, my husband is the opposite, so there’s not competition on whose turn it is to go out and see friends. Of course, I power through playing with the baby and being around because I know it’s important and I of course love my family, but I’d be lying if I said I looked forward to the weekends at this stage in our lives.
However, I can tell you from my first kid, things REALLY turned around at age 3 or 4 for me. Then I truly enjoyed taking my kid out to do stuff. Maybe your husband will be the same way, and I hope that’s the case!
In the meantime, here’s some things that have helped in my marriage (and are somewhat based off of lessons-learned from having one failed marriage already):
-Split drop-off/pickup duty. This needs to be a shared burden. Split it however works for you, but you both need to carry this. Currently, my husband does mornings and I do evenings. We do not deviate from this or make work/personal commitments that would interfere with this without checking with the other person. You both need to be bound by daycare schedules, not just one of you.
-We don’t do this, but what about alternating weekends? (Similar to if you were divorced, sort of). By that, I mean one of you is good to make plans every other weekend if they wish, without feeling like they’re “asking” the other. Set parameters you’re comfortable with, but I imagine you would enjoy knowing you can commit to seeing friends without feeling like your husband is doing you a huge favor by “letting” you, and honestly he’d probably like the same. Alternating weekends keeps it fair.
-Another option, if you have money to dump at a problem, get a mother’s helper/sitter scheduled on a regular basis. Half a Saturday every-other-week or every week, for example. You can use this time to clean out your closet, hide in your room and play around on your phone, go meet a friend for coffee, run errands, whatever! Your husband can use this as his “me” time if he wants Again, this creates designated time where no one is “trapped” by kid responsibilities. If you find you don’t want time away from your kids, the sitter can watch them while you go get supplies to make cookies with them or go shopping for their birthday presents alone or whatever. It will still be a help!
I find that things are a lot more enjoyable in life when they are a CHOICE rather than something you HAVE to do, if that makes sense. Knowing that there is built in “freedom” on the weekends may go a long way in helping him accept the stage of life you are in, and ensuring you BOTH benefit from that will help prevent resentment from building up on your side.
anon says
my dh is also an academic and we have strains of this too. vacations are a lot of me and toddler time, which was great until we had a second and now we are just immobile until the baby gets bigger and i can take them both out sightseeing and have fun. one thing that has really helped is having a babysitter every weekend for four hours so that i can get things done (work or me time) without having to argue about how he is spending his time. it’s not fair and not what i signed up for but after a lot of internal heartburn i try to approach things by asking “what do i need” rather than “what is fair.” none of it is fair because i’m partner track in biglaw so his work is actually much more flexible than mine and also i make significantly more $$$.
Anonanonanon says
^ This. We can’t worry about fair. We are now a “from each according to their ability, to each according to their needs” household. Have the need/ability to pay for a sitter? Go for it! Who cares if it’s “fair” if it makes you happier and not lose your mind (which, by extension, should make a partner happier)
Anon says
Not OP, but the perspective of “what do I need” vs “what is fair” thing hits home for me. I’ve not thought about things this way but it’s spot on.
DLC says
Two things our therapist says come to mind:
1) that the young child years are the hardest- she sees the most divorces when kids are young.
2) you can’t change your partner; you can’t make them enjoy something they don’t want to. To make things work you can talk honestly about your disappointments and decide how you best want to live with that.
I would definitely suggest counseling, both individually and together. Another thing to consider is that everyone is different and, some people find toddlers/ babies hard to connect with, but really love being a parent once the kids get to be eight or nine.
Some thoughts says
A few thoughts, in no particular order.
1) I do think it gets easier when the kids are more interactive. I loved babies but my husband likes the kids more and more as they get older (now 4 & 7)
2) I really encouraged my kids and husband to find something that is their special thing with daddy (in our house, martial arts, but it could be anything). Now it’s very very important to all of them. He would hate library book time but we found something they all love. It doesn’t have to be what I think it has to be if that makes sense.
3) He may need someone else (not you) to point out that if he doesn’t pay attention to what YOU want, he is going to end up divorced and spending a lot more quality 1×1 time with the kid. I’m not sure he realizes how much you are currently enabling his work.
4) I think you need to start saying, “Hey husband, on Tuesday I have a networking thing from 5-8.” And leave toddler with him. He’ll figure it out. Normally I wouldn’t do this but if he’s really oblivious he may need a bit of heavy-handedness.
Anon says
My nanny has now shown up for work on two separate occasions with visible black eyes. I know freak accidents happen, but…you don’t get two black eyes unless someone is hitting you, right? I’m worried about her but I’m also selfishly worried about a violent guy showing up and hurting her and my kids while they’re in her care. Her boyfriend has dropped her off at work before so he definitely knows where we live, and he’s a hunter so I believe he has a gun.
anon says
I am generally not an alarmist and assume the “least worst case scenario” is usually true–but this is alarming. I don’t have any advice about how to handle but would definitely not just let it go, either. How you handle seems like it would strongly depend on how long she’s worked for you and how close the two of you are.
Anon says
Oh gosh, that is a tough one. Did you ask her what happened? I’d be inclined to tell her I was worried about her and see what her response is. But yes, this would worry me too.
Anonymous says
This would worry me, too, and if you do suspect she is a victim of abuse that leaves you with a lot of rock-and-hard-place choices.
I agree, ask what happened and say you are worried about her. It’s very unlikely you’ll get a straight answer if there really is abuse, but you probably will be able to get a feel for the situation. FWIW, I got a black eye a couple times back when I was involved in martial arts. So yes, someone was hitting me, but that was expected.
Anonymous says
This would concern me and I’d try to ask her about it, but if she is having DV issues there are absolutely no easy answers. Do you have any local women’s shelters/groups you could contact? Even as a bystander they should have an anonymous line where you can talk to someone who could work with you to 1) help her and 2) help yourself feel more safe.
Mama Llama says
I would call the hotline and get advice from experts about this. 1-800-799-7233
Cleaning question says
Another cleaning service question for all of you wise ladies. I’ve noticed that the people who clean our house vacuum our hardwood floors – is this normal? (I’ve always used a broom and mop and then vacuumed the rugs only – but maybe I’m the weird one?
I’m concerned that the wheels on the vacuum are scratching the floors, but I also don’t want to make a ridiculous high maintenance request.
anon says
Unless you actually see scratches on the floors (in which case you are completely entitled to ask them to stop!), I would let this be. Are they also moping the hard floors? That is a must from a cleaning service in my book. It’s largely why I have a cleaning service to start with. I was also raised sweeping hard floors and vacuuming only carpets/rugs, but I do think it’s somewhat the norm to vacuum hard floors. I now use a Roomba to keep the dog hair under control on my hard floors.
Mrs. Jones says
We vacuum hardwood floors.
Strategy Mom says
I thought there were 2 settings on most vacuums – one for carpet/rug and one for non-carpeted? But I haven’t vacuumed in a while ;) so I could definitely be wrong!
anon says
Vacuums have a hard wood setting. You can vacuum hardwood floors. I could only imagine scratching happening if your floor was covered in sand and your vacuum weighed a million pounds pounds and the wheels were not rubber. I sweep daily because its faster but vacuum every few days because it does a more deep clean job on dust than sweeping and mop once a week.
TheElms says
We vacuum our hard wood floors and so does the cleaning service. They also mop the wood floors.
Anon says
This. Technically I think you’re not supposed to use the beater brush on the wood floors, and our housekeepers use a floor attachment that doesn’t have one, but I run my dyson v6 with the beater bar all over the hard wood floors and it’s fine. I figure I’ll be refinishing them once the kids are out of the house anyways, but I’ve never noticed any scratches from the vacuum.
FVNC says
My previous service swept then mopped hardwood floors; my current house cleaner vacuums then mops. I was startled by the vacuuming, too….but she said this is how she’s always done it, and well, my floors are really clean with no scratches.
Cleaning question? says
Ahh ok thanks all! Letting this one guy. Thank you for saving me from being the crazy anti-vacuum lady.
Cleaning question? says
*Letting this one go, I mean.
Legoland California/LA says
We are headed out to Legoland CA/LA in mid-March to hit the park while The Kid is young enough to enjoy it (currently the child is both Lego obsessed and tall enough to ride all of the rides, so I figure that this is the sweet spot).
The current plan is to fly in to San Diego, drive up to Legoland and stay in the Legoland CA hotel (all the Legos!!), do a chunk of the day at Legoland and then late afternoon/early evening at Sea*Life, another night at the hotel, the next morning at Legoland, and then head up to LA to see The Prodigal Brother for a couple days.
Does that sound realistic? Any good restaurants near Legoland that are not chain h*ll, but still (good eating) kid friendly? Anything we should hit on the way to LA? And then LA suggestions in all categories? We want to stay relatively close to the airport in LA because The Prodigal lives nearby and also to catch an early flight out (and maybe even drop off the rental car the night before and just shuttle to the flight to save time).
All help and advice welcome. Note that we have been to SD before (so we’ve done La Jolla, Coronado, USS MIdway, SD Zoo) and do not plan to drive all the way down there this trip and also that we have been to LA before, but not with The Kid. Is hitting the Flower Fields realistic on the way to LA? Anything else?
Anon says
If you need to break up the drive from SD to LA, you can stop in Orange County for a few hours. Newport Beach and Laguna Beach are beautiful and very family-friendly (lots of parks, beaches, malls with carousels & Ferris wheels, etc.).
shortperson says
on the way there is disneyland obviously, but you can also do a character breakfast outside the park if you dont want to commit a day or $$ to the park itself. long beach aquarium is excellent. irvine has an adventure playground very close to the 405 that is a nice stop. will probably be a bit cold for the beach but laguna beach and newport both have nice playgrounds on the beach with restaurants nearby. if your kid likes to climb, sender city is on the way as well and has a full kids gym that is super fun.
in LA, i love taking the kids to the tar pits and then hitting LACMA briefly. LACMA has a great kids painting room and some good accessible art for kids (in small chunks). theres also the peterson automotive museum and the natural history museum. huntington library in pasadena has a fabulous outdoor playground / exploratory space as well as great art.
shortperson says
also there’s great childrens theater in la if youre around on a weekend.
OP here says
Exactly the kind of recs I was hoping for, thanks!
Anonymous says
Please tell me about having a kid as an (mid-level/senior) associate in BigLaw. My office isn’t a terrible meat grinder for associates, but there are certain expectations of availability and as I get closer to delivery I’m not sure how that’s going to go. Any successes? Tips?
Anon says
I’m a 7th year in BigLaw with an 18 month old. Couple of things – your firm wants to keep you, so if there is something you need, ask for it (and ask for it before it becomes a problem). I negotiated working from home one day a week (still full-time, I just don’t come into the office on that day and am logged in at my home office). I also shifted my in-office hours later because my kid is a night owl and sleeps late. I invested in a good headset and made sure that my home monitor and printers are all up to snuff so that I can keep up with the hours early morning or after bedtime (and I go home earlier than I used to (i.e., before 8) and just log on again later). For me, being consistent with my schedule is easier for the partners that I work with than having “floating” hours, so to speak. Official or unofficial, my experience is that there is about a 6 month ramp up period after you come back before people expect you to be back to your pre-baby level. It’s hard but doable and there is a lot of flexibility (at least in my case) for scheduling my day – shifting hours, ducking out for mid-day doctor’s appointments, etc.
The other key factor is childcare. I don’t think I could make this work happily without my husband staying home or otherwise having a lot of job flexibility. If I had to leave at 5:30 or 6:00 every day to meet a daycare pickup, that would severely affect my ability to manage my workflow, but that may be practice-specific. Knowing I can stay late if I need to without having to call 3 different back-up care options for last minute client emergencies is really helpful. At my hours, I would probably need daycare + au pair or full-time nanny + back-up nanny if my husband worked similar hours.
Anonymous says
Also a 7th year. This is generally consistent with my experience and point of view (with the exception that I get in earlier and leave earlier than most people because my kids have typical kid bedtimes). I didn’t negotiate a day at home, but I find I can take a day at home if I want. Unless I’m not terribly busy, I opt to come into the office, because I’m more productive and like to see people and if I need to keep working past 5 or 6, I still can. Agree 100% that unless your partner has fewer and more predictable hours, you need more than full-time childcare. (And, with more than 1 kid, even if partner has better hours, you may still want more help.) We have 3 kids, two of whom are in full-time daycare and one of whom is in elementary school, and we have an au pair plus a fair amount of family support. With 1 kid, we managed with just daycare, since husband predictably gets off work at 5.
Anon says
Mat leave was the easiest part of handling having a baby in big law as a mid-level. I scheduled my leave to start at 36 weeks, so I didn’t have to work late nights/early mornings at the end, when I was both super exhausted and more likely to have a baby (giving birth after an all nighter for work is a horrible way to start parenthood).
My firm’s policy just provided for mat leave to start at birth, but I’m in California, so going out at 36 weeks for a health pregnancy is job-protected and partially paid by the state. I topped up the partial pay with sick leave and my firm’s disability policy (which kicked in at 38 weeks).
No one seemed to notice or care how long my mat leave was, though they definitely would have noticed if I started declining work/not met expectations. Just being gone for longer was great for me.
TheElms says
I’m interested in this as well. I’m trying to decide how much leave to take. I’m a senior associate due in mid to late May, planning to take between 5 and 7 1/2 months leave (we get 5 paid, 1 month unpaid with no need to seek approval, and after that I’d need approval). Assuming I take leave starting May 15, if I take 5 months, I would come back 2 weeks before the start of the start of the next billable year with about 2 months before Thanksgiving/Christmas season begins. If I take 7 1/2 months I’d come back Jan 1. I think I’m not going to make my billable hours this year, but I might. We get no ramp down/ramp up period or reduced hours that count as full when we return, which I know some firms do. Which should I do?
Second, my DH is also in Biglaw. How much childcare do I need? We have a daycare option that is near DH’s office and not too far from mine. If I come in early, I could start at 7:30/8am and leave and 5:30/6pm to ensure I made a 6:30pm daycare pick up deadline and then head home about 30 minutes away. DH would do drop off and then work late. Typically, 10 hours a day is enough for me to keep up with everything if I’m not super busy. Currently I tend to be in the office 9am-8pm, but I rarely log in once I get home. To deal with super busy periods I would just have to log on after dinner/bedtime. Is this a crazy plan? I think the real need for us is a half day of care over the weekend, because its rare we both don’t work at least half a day over the weekend. Could I find a sitter that would come every Sunday morning from 8am till Noon or something similar? Is that a thing?
Anon says
Daytime weekend sitters are definitely a thing, but I think in the beginning you can probably get a lot of work done while the baby sleeps. My daughter is almost 1 and sleeps 15 hours/day (12 hours at night and two 1.5 hour naps). DH and I can each easily get a few hours of weekend work done during naps and after she goes to bed. I know that won’t always be the case, but for now it is, so I would wait to arrange this until you have the need.
Anon says
Adding that obviously chores, etc., have to fit in somewhere too. I would personally rather outsource as many chores as possible, so I can work while the baby sleeps and play with her when she’s awake vs. working while she’s awake and using her naptime to catch up on chores. So we don’t have weekend childcare, but we have a cleaning service, lawn service, handyman, grocery delivery and some prepared food delivery. YMMV.
Anon says
I think I would look for a neighborhood high schooler (or two, if you want to alternate them every other week – kids are so busy these days) or a college student (nursing students in particular do a lot of babysitting in our area) for that type of care (since you’ll be home and it may be cheaper). You could also have a kiddo like mine that is a terrible sleeper who didn’t develop consistent naps in excess of 30 minutes until about 15 months, so good to be thinking about this now. Like the above, we have a cleaning service who comes every 2 weeks, a lawn service, pest control (we live on the edge of a forest, and I’m allergic to cats, so mice and snakes are not uncommon – fortunately mostly in the garage and unfinished basement) and we get groceries delivered every week (peapod, with instacart for the random mid-week things we run out of). Other than for holidays where I enjoy the ritual, I haven’t been in a grocery store in 2+ years. We also switched gyms to one that has 2.5 hours of childcare per day included.
Law mama says
One thing that was really helpful for me was designating one night a week to stay super late in the office and catch up on random projects. It was helpful to have this routinized so I just knew I wasn’t going to make bedtime and didn’t feel sad about it. Also, it’s okay to not make bedtime. I put a lot of pressure on myself to leave, make bedtime, and then work some more and it made me crazy. When I reframed morning / breakfast as my special baby time and gave myself a break if I wasn’t home for bedtime I was much happier.
Anonymous says
Bahamas advice please. Any good family friendly, not huge (i.e. Atlantis), resorts in the Bahamas that have enough activities to entertain my 6 year old daughter, but also have good food and are more personal?
anon says
I know you said no Atlantis (sorry!) but have you looked at the Reef or Cove? Experience definitely differs depending on where you stay and we did have a great vacation there last fall. If you do have to go there, I’d choose one of those for sure.
anon says
I’m struggling as a parent right now. Maybe it’s the weather and the fact that we’re cooped up indoors, but all the noise and sibling squabbles and whining is making me a little crazy. We’ve been going on family outings, trying to be active indoors, and pulling out the stops to make this tolerable … but I was seriously so happy to go back to work this morning (and I don’t even like my job that much).
Even the usual stresses — son’s ADHD and ongoing school issues, preschool daughter being in a challenging phase — feel worse. I just want to escape from the demands of family life for awhile. And my god, kids, stop fighting me on literally every last thing.
AwayEmily says
Is there any way you can take a break, go off on your own, and recharge? Even if only for a quick overnight? Agreed that winter weather/being indoors is really tough, even when you’re diligent about getting the kids outside/exercise. I promise things will get better once the weather gets nicer!
Spirograph says
I don’t have any answers, just wanted to say I’m right there with you. The combination of gloom, cold, rain, etc is just wearing on everyone. Do you have outdoor space? I told myself, “there’s no bad weather, only wrong clothing,” and bundled my kids up and sent them outside for several hours on Saturday while I drank some tea and cleaned the house. It made all of us much happier.
anon says
The cold has been only part of the issue; we’ve had weekend ice storms that make sending them outdoors not feasible. I tried going on a walk yesterday afternoon and nearly broke myself, so … WINTER BE GONE.
lsw says
Hugs. I’ve been there. We have a preteen (my stepdaughter, with us majority of the time) and toddler boy in full Terrible Twos and sometimes I just feel like shouting, MUST EVERYTHING BE A BATTLE?!?!?!
Can you enlist your spouse/family/paid sitter to give you an evening and/or weekend day free and give yourself a break?
Eek says
No advice, but solidarity and thanks for posting. I have been feeling majorly guilty all day because I felt so relieved by the peace and quiet of my office this morning (and I only have one not-yet-mobile LO.)
anon says
glad i’m not the only one who sometimes wishes i could escape parenthood for a bit. hang in there!
Anonanonanon says
I’m right there with you. I broke down in tears this weekend finally over it (which isn’t something I do often), trying to explain to my husband that I was A. depressed from the cold gray weather and B. just not happy cooped up all weekend which led to C. feeling like a horrible person for wanting AWAY from my kids, when I’m already away all week at work and feeling bad that D. Work currently feels much more validating and fulfilling than home life because, quite frankly, I am a Leo and I enjoy external praise and recognition and apparently they don’t have that for parenting.
My husband did a great job talking me down, and helping me realize that most of my sadness was coming from self-imposed guilt about being in a funk. He reminded me that we can’t-and shouldn’t- be everything for each other and reassured me that it’s OK to want to get out and go see friends. Of course, no one was available to hang out on short notice, which sent me into a “I have no friends” spiral, but I did force myself to go out to Starbucks and ended up going shopping, which certainly helped :) Also, he reminded me that life with small kids is one of the hardest periods of life, so it’s going to be rough sometimes.
Anyway, hang in there. and don’t pile on to your already crummy feelings by making yourself feel guilty about them. And know you’re not alone.
anon says
OP here, and oh man, you nailed that cycle perfectly! (Also a Leo, also want some external validation now and then!) I’m glad you got a coffee break and shopping time. That sounds like a great pick-me-up.
Anonymous says
Working from home with a recovering pukey toddler (last episode was yesterday evening, but he’s definitely still not 100%). I just took a call with him passed out on my shoulder and then fed him an exciting lunch of applesauce and toast and pedialyte. He is so clearly stir crazy he has started going over to the door with his coat and shoes and saying “bye?” I keep reminding myself I would want another mom to keep her kid home for the full 24 hours as well but man. The struggle is real.
And yes, we will be watching Daniel Tiger this afternoon.
Anonymous says
I’m the mom with the really difficult toddler above. She had the stomach bug last week and would scream: “I’m hungry mom! Mom! I’m hungry! I’m so hungry! Moooooom! Mom! Mom!” And wouldn’t listen to any reason re: food=like. “BUT IM SO HUNGRY!”. Then she’d drink water or eat a cracker and throw it up and cry hysterically. Repeat x500 and that was my week. As an added bonus, this child doesn’t like TV. So it was all hands on, all week long.
I felt like I won the parenting olympics when I gave her Cheerios one by one to string on a necklace and S-L-O-W-L-Y eat. She could see and touch and eat the food but being on a necklace stopped her from scarfing. And I gave her water by medicine dropper with was SO FUN and also so slow.
AwayEmily says
this is brilliant.
Anonymous says
That cheerios thing also sounds like a great car hack. I will steal it for the future.
Anon says
We were all pukey 2 weeks ago (Toddler all week, me W-F, dad Th-Sat). I think we all watched at least 8 hours of sesame street every single day. Toddler had a lot of fun playing with ice chips, coloring, and taking apart every “safe” kitchen cabinet available (while demanding every kind of food imaginable and then barfing it up). Hang in there!
Anon says
I also took her outside toward the tail end and just bundled her up when she was feeling a little better but still not 100%. She’s not going to get anyone sick just running around in our yard. And last week I took a conference call that I didn’t need to speak on from the front porch while she ran around outside, so don’t automatically discount the outdoors.
Anonymous says
I just checked and it’s above freezing, so we could do a walk later – that’s a good point. And he has kept lunch down, *crosses fingers* hooray!
Anon says
Ideas for what to tell people for first birthday present suggestions (beyond books)? I would love experience gifts, but most of my friends & relatives want to give stuff. We have some space (a basement playroom that is mostly empty) but I’m still not enthusiastic about anything that’s physically very big. My kiddo is still crawling and shows no interest in standing or walking. She got a lot of shape sorting-type things for Christmas but hasn’t really used them for the intended purpose yet (just chews on them).
Anonymous says
For people who want to give a “big” gift, you could suggest a collapsible tunnel. She can crawl through it and hide in it, and it folds up flat when you are done.
Our most-used large item was a play kitchen. We got ours when our daughter was almost two years old, and I definitely think she would have enjoyed it several months earlier. Once you have the kitchen, in subsequent years people can give play food to go with it.
A little chair is a “big” item that is useful and can fit into your decor. The PB kids’ chairs are popular. My in-laws got our daughter a little wooden rocking chair for her first birthday. We kept it in the family room. At first she just loved to rock in it. Later on it was handy extra kid seating.
Ms B says
Play silks
Play costumes
Bath toys (Green Toys are great for this)
Hoodie towels
Felt food (maybe with plastic shopping cart for the walking stage to come)
M&D Bug Jug and Aquarium
The Leapfrog Learn n Groove table was a big hit at this stage at our house . . . we used it without the legs for a while and then with the legs once The Kid was standing/walking.
Honestly, if you have some space and someone wants to buy something bigger, a kid trampoline can be a sanity saver later on. Also, if you have room outside, now is a good time for a sandbox or a water table.
DLC says
I always like getting good quality, practical clothes- bonus if it is in one size larger and weather appropriate. My kids wore so many hand me downs that it was always novel to put them in something new.
Other physical stuff that we enjoyed having- child size plate, cup, bowl set with favorite character. Bath toys. Push/ pull toys (the fisher price popper is a huge hit at our place). Mozart cube. Balls or other outdoor toys. Small toy trucks – the kind that are small enough to stuff in a diaper bag and pull out at restaurants.
AwayEmily says
YES to practical clothes. Things in size 2T/3T/4T are great because they’ll get at least a full year of use (as opposed to, say, 12-18 month clothes). Jackets, sweatshirts, winter accessories, pajamas, etc.
anon says
I asked for clothes for my son’s 1st birthday. We don’t have anyone to get hand me downs from and 1 year olds aren’t disappointed to get clothing instead of toys. Also, as a boy mom, I had fun shopping for the 1 year old girls whose parties we were invited to. ;)
Law mama says
Yes – LL Bean rain suit is so nice, or kids shoes and boots would be a great gift
Anon says
Some 1YO gifts we adore – Hanna sleepers in the larger sizes 2T (85), 3T (90), etc. (my 18 month old is in 3T already). Learning tower for the kitchen. Hammer and ball toy. Megablocks table with starter set (it was great for her once she started pulling up, and the legs fold down for storage). Her very own chair (inlaws got her the PBK one) – she loves sitting in it. My sister got her the radio flyer trike with harness that goes from I think 18 months (we definitely put her in at 12) all the way to 5 years old. If you’re switching to cow’s (or other milk) soon, you may want some more of her favorite sippy cups as you phase out bottles, and we love the pillowfort line of plastic (but microwave and dishwasher safe) plates at Target – toddler silverware is also something you’ll be using soon. The Melissa and Doug puzzles were apparently beloved by many friends’ kids, but my kiddo still shows almost no interest in them.
Anonymous says
ride on/push bike type thing – the V-tech sit to stand alphabet train is a monstrosity but kids love it. A non-obnoxious version could the Y-bike.
GCA says
We got a bubble machine, a number of lift the flap books and Duplos for my son’s first birthday – the first two were a hit right away, he took a bit longer to get into the Duplos but there was a big payoff and he’s played with them regularly for the last 2 years.
PS: Don’t write off the shape sorter yet – right now my 6mo chews on the shapes, but I also: let her tip the box over and get the shapes out; put other toys / stuff in the box and let her tip it over to get that out; put each shape in one cup of a muffin tin* and let her pick them up; stack the shapes up as high as they will go and let her knock them over.
*The muffin tin is the true MVP here. We also turn ours upside down and attach big brother’s magnatiles to it and that occupies her for a good 20 minutes.
Law Mama says
Supposed, Musical instruments, fun magnets to put on and take off the fridge, ride-on toy, little shopping cart and play food to put in it, decorations for playroom, wood puzzles, a toddler carrier if you like to hike and wear baby, new crib sheets, new towels
Anonymous says
I know this is on the physically big side, but all my kids have adored their plastic slide starting around 15 months. It’s great for when it’s too wet/cold/hot to go outside and they need to burn off some energy.
preganon says
Looking for advice/commiseration re: pregnancy weight gain, esp as compared between 2 pregnancies. I gained about 18 lbs with my baby 2 years ago, which luckily came off super quickly with nursing and I ended up below my pre-preg weight (but still healthy). This time around, I started ~10 lbs lighter than I did last time and things seemed to be going similarly with no gain in the first tri, but in the 2nd I’ve gained really quickly – I’m up 15 at 24 weeks. My weight is about the same as it was at this point last time around, but I’ve already gained most of what I gained then and I have like 3 months to go! My Dr. isn’t concerned, but I’m worried about having a much larger baby or vainly, losing it after. I tend towards paranoid about weight stuff, so I’m trying to just eat reasonably healthy and not really deny myself anything and get regular exercise, etc. Anyone have a similar experience or any advice to share?
Anon says
I think there’s little correlation between the weight you gain and the size of the baby. Maybe there is, but anecdotally, I know a lot of people who gained a lot and has small babies, or the opposite. I gained 18 pounds and had a 9 pounder – I left the hospital weighing less than I did pre-pregnancy (although obviously not looking the same). Only 1 or 2 pounds of that were in the third trimester, fwiw. I was sent for some growth scans because they were actually concerned about my lack of weight gain (I’m surprised they were ok with you only gaining 18 pounds, assuming you were a healthy weight to begin with – my OB wanted at least 20) but baby was healthy and very big. And big babies are not something to be afraid of, they’re great! They sleep and eat better right off the bat (that I know is grounded in science, not just anecdata). How much damage they do coming out has more to do with head circumference than weight ;)
Anon. says
+1 to lack of correlation between weight gain and baby size. I gained 45 lbs and had a 6 lb baby. A huge amount of that was fluid/water weight that came off immediately. They didn’t weigh me leaving the hospital, but at my 2 week post-partum check-up I was 25lbs less than at my 41-week prenatal.
Emily S. says
Yep, I had a scary-to-me jump in weight somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, but then I slowed down and actually gained less weight overall than with #1. Like your OB, mine was not concerned. Wish I had listened to her! But, on the flip side, I was more conscious of eating well than seeing pregnancy as an excuse to eat all.the.sweets. So swapping salads for my beloved PB&J at lunch and limiting myself to one bowl of ice cream a day probably was the reason my weight gain slowed. Give yourself some room to indulge but yes, keep eating well and exercising (even if you don’t 100% feel like getting off the couch.) In terms of losing it, I lost it and then some by weightlifting 3x a week and cardio 1x a week — but don’t worry about that now! Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!
Anonymous says
Weight gain was not linear for me, and I gained 50+ pounds and all but 5-10 came off with no effort within 6 weeks. I did have a 9 pound baby but he was born at 42 weeks and was over 22 inches long. And yes to sleeping and eating well from the jump! He never needed to eat every 2 hours over night.
Anonymous says
I gained around 50 with each pregnancy, mostly after 25 weeks, and had babies 6.5-8 lbs. I was very lucky with the bounce back and all except 5-10 lbs was gone within 3 months and the rest before 9 months, just by returning to normal exercise a few times a week (and more importantly, normal eating, not the “I’m going to be huge anyway, might as well have cake! mentality i had during pregnancy). It did come off slower when I was 34 vs 29, but it still went.
Seafinch says
It is really a huge crap shoot. I think it is highly pregnancy specific, depends on where you start and if you are still nursing. I don’t think you can do anything to control it and there is no point worrying about it. My babies have been 1) full term and 7lb 11 oz (22 inches long), total gain of 23 lbs and it was all off within 36 hours but came back when breastfeeding ceased to be hormonal and she started being mobile at four months; 2) 35 week preemie weighing 6lbs 4 oz (22 inches), total gain of 16 lbs, came off within 36 hours, never came back; 3) started a solid ten pounds above my normal weight after two back to back late miscarriages, gained zero pounds the entire pregnancy. Delivered at 37 weeks, baby was 7lbs 13 oz and 22 inches long. No change after birth, slowly put on ten pounds and if I have a bump I never loose it while breastfeeding; 4) again started about ten pounds above normal weigh (breastfed until I got pregnant again). Am due in two weeks and have gained about 7 lbs total. The doctors never care how little I gain. The babies are big-ish given their gestation and it mostly comes right off BUT I tend to put some back on after extended nursing.
Curly Toddler says
From a stick-straight-haired mama, talk to me about how to manage non-ethnic curly girl toddler hair, which I have been told is different from ethnic curly hair (although I am open to trying whatever will work). Dry she has tight quarter-sized ringlets that curl out maybe 2 inches from her head; when wet and straight in the bath it’s past her shoulders at the nape of her neck. We use the “no more tangles” J&J separate shampoo and separate conditioner (tear-free is critical for us still), and I leave the conditioner in for a few minutes. We bathe her (and wash and condition hair) every 3 days or so. We do not brush, ever – I sometimes take a wide tooth comb to it when wet. She doesn’t sleep on a pillow yet, so silk pillowcases are out. Is there a type of cream or light gel or spray that you recommend to keep the curls from frizzing? Or do I just wait it out until she’s older? Waging a battle against my MIL who counsels my DH every day to brush it – a DH who wisely heeds my advice to burn (not literally) all the brushes. I just want her to love those gorgeous curls when she’s older and not look like such a ragamuffin now. In an ideal world I think I’d like it about shoulder length if we can get there.
Anonymous says
My DD has curly hair (as do I). I’m anti-product for little girls, my MIL wants to put curl cream. But anyways what I do is put in a coconut oil detangler when wet and this seems to tame the frizz a bit. I forget the name but it’s in a blue bottle and I buy it at Target, and it’s with the other kids detanglers.
rosie says
We use the Shea Moisture kids detangler (buy at Target), sounds similar. I try to do that whenever I get her hair wet in the tub–maybe every other night, and then we wash w/shampoo maybe 2x/week. She likes to brush her own hair for now, hopefully I can convince her otherwise eventually (21 months old).
Anonymous says
I have been known to put my own leave-in conditioner in my 3 year old son’s curly hair. It helps a little with definition/frizz. He is my hair twin (super duper dense but fine, type 2c /3a loose curls that just stand straight up if brushed). He likes it pretty long and shaggy and occasionally I want him to look less mop-like. He always wants to use my gel, but that’s more than I’m comfortable with at 3.
Anonymous says
My daughter had curly hair like this until about age 3, and then it started growing in straight. a few haircuts later, she only has waves. Just to warn you, they might not last.
We didn’t use any product. I did conditioner + comb with a wide tooth comb (wet and dry), and had some detangler on hand if the situation was really fraught, but rarely used it. Key for me was clipping or braiding it out of her face. If it frizzed a little behind her head, it was OK, but left alone she wouldn’t have been able to see.
Anonymous says
finger comb it when it has conditioner in it during the bath. Wash once or twice a week at most. Try devacurl detangler or leave in conditioner to refresh curls. Spray some on your hands and run it over her hair.
If you’re anti-produce, another alternative is to make a habit of runnning your hands over her curls after you have lotioned your hands. A bit of the excess lotion will smooth the curls.
IHeartBacon says
I second the recommendation to use a bit of lotion. I wet my hands and rub a tiny dab of lotion between my hands and then rub my hands over the curls.
Knope says
Curly-haired adult here. Here are my tips.
1) Make sure any product you use in her hair is Curly Girl friendly. Look up the product online and cut and paste the ingredients into this analyzer: https://www.curlsbot.com/. I know Shea Moisture has a line for kids that is CG friendly.
2) Dry her hair by taking an old t-shirt and scrunching it one section at a time. Do not (oh please do not) tousle it with a towel!
3) Curly Hair reddit – https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair/ – is a great place to find more info specific to your kid’s hair type.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
my 18 month old son has similar hair – made worse by the very dry and cold climate, that also necessitates hats. We call him “Albert” and are resigned that he will look like a ragamuffin until spring. in my case, his curls are from his mama, and I agree that I wouldn’t put product in your DD’s hair if it is still somewhat in the “baby stage”, meaning that it is still fine. You will get tons of scalp build up.
I do comb my son’s hair with a fine tooth comb in the bath before rinsing out conditioner. Otherwise he ends up with a matted mess. DO NOT comb or brush once she is out of the bath. It will only make it worse.
We do bath everynight but only shampoo / condition about every three nights.
Ms B says
Ouidad Krly Kids shampoo (it’s “no tears”), not more than twice a week. Follow with just a smear of Ouidad Moisture Lock leave-in conditioner worked through, and a fast single comb through with the widest tooth comb you can acquire. On non-shampoo nights, rinse and conditioner only.
Do not use a regular towel — I agree with the poster above to use an old white t-shirt; I also like the Aquis microfiber towel for that purpose or a flour sack towel. AIways squeeze, never rub. If possible, allow to dry fully before bed.
If long enough, pull hair up into a pineapple on top of her head with a non-tooth clip or gentle elastic and then light spray in the morning and a finger curl with either just water or a 2:1 mix of water and the leave-in conditioner if you feel the need. Headbands and ponies are your friends at this age!
No brushes, no dry combing, and definitely no product until after the “kid” hair (as opposed to baby hair) is in.
Good luck!
anon says
this is a silly question, but can someone explain to me how kids clothes work once you get out of the months sizes? like at what age do kids wear a 2T, 3T, (what comes next)?
Anon says
Theoretically, I think it’s supposed to be age-based (i.e., a 2 year old wears 2T) until you get out of toddler sizes (and then I have no idea- I feel like juniors sizes started at 9? I remember shopping for women’s (super small) sizes in middle school?) My 18 month old wears mostly 3T, but she’s (proportionally) huge – 98% for height and weight. I think most places switch over to “kids” sizes at around 5-6; some places (gap) go up to 5T. When I was trying to buy sales in advance (particularly for seasonal clothes), I would use the WHO height and weight charts to estimate where on the curve my kiddo would fall (assuming she maintains her curve, which she has been) and then compare the estimated weight and height to the size charts. I’ve had pretty good success with that method so far.
Anon says
The idea is that 24M is for 18-24 months and then 2T is for all of age 2 (aka 24-36 months), 3T is for age 3, and so forth.
That said, my daughter is turning one next week and is in a mix of 24M and 2T, so clearly not accurate for everybody.
mascot says
24M clothing fit at 18-24 months. It was cut bigger and shorter to accommodate a diaper. For us, 2T was more like kids clothes and fit from age 2-3. Then 3T. It changes again when they go to regular sizing around size 4-5. Then you get into slim/regular/husky in pants and you may want to stick with certain brands for fit reasons.
Anonymous says
Whenever they are the height/weight that brand labels for the size! It’s truly all over the map. My almost 4 year old is maybe 43 or 44” tall, 41.5 lb and although he appears to meet the measurements for 5 or 5T in a lot of brands, the clothes that fit him currently range from 2-3 to 5, mostly in 4T. They do tend to last about a year by now! Except those pesky pants get too short.
Em says
They should line up with their age, so 2T at 2-years-old, 3T at 3-years-old, and so on, but like any sizes that isn’t necessarily true for all kids. Their growth slows down around 2, which is why the sizes switch to years from months.
Cb says
I haven’t found a huge difference between 18-24 months and 2t and wish I hadn’t bothered with the 18-24 month wardrobe. I’ve found sizecast to be very accurate for my kiddo.
Anon says
Sizecast makes no sense to me. My daughter is in the 90th percentile for height (and big for weight too, maybe 75th) and when I enter that info it says she should be wearing basically true-to-size clothing. But she’s way way ahead – she’s 11 months and in 24M clothing already. Sizecast says she should currently be in 12M, which she outgrew about 3-4 months ago. It also says she should be just under 30″ on her first birthday, which is nowhere near 90th percentile, it’s more like 65th/70th. So that explains why it isn’t accurately forecasting my daughter’s clothing size (she was 30″ at 9 months), but I don’t know why their percentile info is so off. Maybe it’s better for boys?
EB0220 says
Yeah, it’s supposed to be age based but it doesn’t work that well for us. Here’s my approach. When size x seems snug, buy the next size up the next time I buy clothes. It’s very scientific, I know. :) It also varies by brand (widely) so best to get a baseline in the brands you like and then just size up from there.
RR says
2T, 3T, 4T/4 (Essentially same size–you would find 4T at Baby Gap and 4 at Gap Kids–I think the idea is diaper/no diaper, but roughly same size), 5T/5, 6/6x (these are techically different sizes, with 6x being slightly larger, but most clothing is labeled as both–6/6x), 8, 10, 12, 14, 16.
Obviously, there are sometimes ranges–e.g., 4-5, 5-6, 8-10. At some point, they can wear kids or move into like juniors (for girls). There’s slim and plus or slim and husky to help kids that are average in height but smaller or larger than the standard size. (My older daughter lived in Gap Kids slim pants when she was younger, but my younger daughter wears the normal sizes and can’t fit in the slim fit–just a difference in build.)
As an example, my 5 1/2 year old daughter currently wears 6/6x (with some 5 holdovers that haven’t rotated out). My 11 year old daughter generally wears 10 or 12 (maybe a slim version if we are shopping somewhere that has them). My 11 year old son is generally a 12. Both of them are probably teetering on the verge of juniors/whatever you call the boy equivalent of juniors, but they are still slim and on the lower end for height (we are a family of late bloomers) and happy to still wear “kid” clothes.
Anonymous says
When did purées click for your baby? Ours is days away from 6 months. Have been trying for maybe 2-3 weeks and he just doesn’t swallow much, maybe half a teaspoon total. One time he swallowed a couple teaspoons, so now I’m not sure if he just doesn’t get it or is picky. Our first wolfed down as much food as possible from just before 5 months, with zero issues figuring out how to swallow it and almost never pushed it back out if his mouth — I think that might be outside the norm but I’m not sure what normal is! Both babies bottle fed.
Anon says
Shortly after 6 months, after probably about 3 weeks of daily feeding attempts. Switching to commercial purees instead of homemade helped (they were smoother), as did introducing fruit and fruit-veggie combo purees (and despite my friends warning me that she would never touch a vegetable again, she’s now 11 months and loves feeding herself veggies). For us I think it was a combination of 1) taking a while to figure out spoon-feeding, 2) having a strong gag reflex and liking smoother purees and 3) not being enthusiastic about pureed veggies. She never ate plain veggies until we introduced finger foods and to this day hates plain pureed vegetables, fwiw.
anon says
i have twins a couple months older than your son. one of them has loved food from day 1. the other one is hit or miss. i think he will eat a lot more once he can feed himself. he does not seem to like purees. our pediatrician suggested getting one of those mesh feeders to let him do a bit more of it himself. sometimes he tries to eat and sometimes he just plays with it. i know some people do finger foods baby led weaning style from the get go and skip puerees, but my kids are now 9 months and slowly starting to figure out how to get food to their mouths. i feel like if i had done baby led weaning from day 1, they still would not have eaten anything.
October says
Six months is still really, really little to be eating food. Some schools of thought recommend not even starting solids until then. I’d keep trying in a casual way, whenever you have time and not necessarily every day. That said, my second hated purées and wouldn’t even open his mouth, so around 7 months I started giving him bits of actual solid food (not true BLW, more bite sized). He loved it and loved feeding himself. We never went back to purées and I never tried to spoon feed him again ;)
anon. says
Yes, I have advice! Look up Cantu for Kids detangler – it doesn’t have silicones or other things that make curly hair frizzy. If you’re already using a detangler, can’t hurt to try this and it’s not expensive.
Anonymous says
So Anon- just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hope telling your husband went as well as it could.