Based on an informal survey of my parent friends, sleep (or more accurately, lack of sleep) is the number-one issue. Here’s a cute sleep trainer that might help your reluctant sleeper (or early riser).
This cute little snail comes with several pre-programmed bedtime and routine light/sound combinations. You can even create your own custom programs with the numerous light, music, and nature/white noise options.
My oldest has a simpler version of this snail, and before she could tell time, she would play quietly in her room until her clock turned green, signaling that it was OK to exit her room. It definitely bought us a little extra (and much-needed) sleep.
Skip Hop’s 3-in-1 Smart Snail Snail Sound & Routine Machine is $50 at Nordstrom.
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Anon says
We have a play date tomorrow at 530 pm, because that’s when the mom could bring the kid (she works weekends). I think the mom is staying, but not 100% sure. Either way is fine with us. We should serve dinner, right? I’ve never had a play date at this time, and I don’t want to be a bad host but also don’t want to ruin the kid’s appetite if they were planning family dinner later (dad and several siblings are not coming).
Cb says
I’d just ask, “would you and Alistair like to join us for dinner?”
Anon says
But then if she says no, you and your family are stuck eating at like 5 or 7:30 or whatever, which is not ideal at least for us. Even worse if she’s only saying no because she doesn’t want to put you out so then it’s the worst case for all involved for no good reason.
Anon says
Depends on the age of the kids, but I’d be prepared with pizza or a simple meal of pasta or have very heavy snacks available, and just kind of read the room when they get there. My older kids can hang if they don’t eat around 5:30/6, but for the preschool set, they might not be able to make it much later without food, unless they are definitely used to eating a lot later.
The mom might not want to put you out, so may not feel totally comfortable asking you to provide dinner if you ask her straight out, especially if she doesn’t know you well and only picked this time because she works during the weekend and is otherwise unavailable. But, at least for my hangry younger kids, a playdate at 5:30 without food would be a disaster because they would massively melt down. I’d worry less about ruining dinner for the family, and more about setting up the playdate for success, but YMMV.
Anonymous says
Text in advance : “my kids eat around 5:30. I can have mac and cheese for everyone or j can feed mine in advance if it messes up your plans, lmk!” Or make eating part of the playdate like make your own pizzas. (Shortcut: naan bread as crust!).
CCLA says
This is what we’ve done and worked well.
Anon says
Assuming this play date goes for 2 hours or so, I would serve dinner and I would just factually tell the mom ahead of time “we will be serving dinner, are there any food allergies?”. She can tell you if that’s an issue with a later meal then, although I would find that highly unlikely and kind of rude that the implication is I then can’t feed my own family until they leave without it being weird.
AwayEmily says
Related to some of the conversations yesterday about feeling overwhelmed…lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how impossible it is to do EVERYTHING the “right” way for your kids — that each of us have to make deliberate choices about what we prioritize and what we do not, and that is one thousand percent okay. But sometimes it feels like other people ARE doing everything. What would you all think about sharing some of the things that your family has chosen NOT to prioritize (at least for now), without any justification or explaining (because it isn’t necessary — we are all allowed to make the choices that work for our family without justifying them to others). I thought it might help to see that even if it seems like everyone else is doing everything perfectly, that’s not the case — we all deliberately drop some balls.
Here are some of my balls that I have dropped into a deep, deep pit: Exposing my kids to new foods, spending significant time with them in nature (e.g. camping and hiking), literally any sports at all, consistently involving them in chores, deliberately practicing academic skills at home, enforcing table manners (my kindergartener still refuses to use a fork, sigh). Someday I may go get some of those balls but for now this is where we are.
Anonymous says
Love this. Cleaning and exercising. Haven’t had our cleaner back since nearly 1 year old was born and am just pocketing the savings from that and doing the bare minimum unless someone is coming over. It’s kind of freeing honestly. I was the one picking up every week before they came anyways. I’m also not exercising at all. It is what it is!
Anon says
I used to fully clean my house once a month but now I only do spot cleaning half an hour at a time.
I also do not work a full eight hours a day even though I have a full-time job. I start late and leave early and take a break to work out without advertising this to anyone on my team.
Anonymous says
We only have one child. We don’t make him do almost any extracurriculars – we did swim lessons, he did soccer for a bit, and now we’re trying to make him do scouts because he does actually enjoy camping, but we never required a sport + an art or something. He’s never taken art or music outside of school. We send him to public schools with somewhat mediocre test scores. He won’t take foreign language at all until 8th grade. We’re letting him take the subway to school alone at age 11. We have not figured out how to ensure he maintains a healthy weight. His swimming skills are mediocre at best. The science kit that my parents gave him for Christmas has been sitting half completed on our dining table ever since. I don’t dust more than once or twice a year and we don’t have a housecleaner + three cats. We don’t make him send thank you notes. He’s been inside a church twice–neither time to be baptized–and asked me in all seriousness what the giant T was on a building (it was a cross) when he was about 9. His wardrobe is from Target + free T-shirts from camp, etc. He has never owned dress shoes. He was an extremely picky eater, although his love of YouTube content has unexpectedly been helping with that lately (unexpected bonus of lax screen time policies!). We never checked his Roblox chat.
Anonymous says
Oh we have never done professional photos other than our wedding pictures, and no academics at home except the hell that was remote school.
Cb says
1 kid, aged 6, 2 full-time working parents reliant on wraparound care
We’ve dropped:
Formal chores
90% of classmate birthday parties
Organised sports
Thank you notes (gasp!)
Anon says
I’m sure most people wouldn’t gasp at lack of thank-you notes unless you mean lack of thank-you period – but it seems that most people are fine with verbal, text, or phone thank-yous now anyway.
anon says
We have three kids (3, 11, 13) and a fourth on the way. We do not do:
– Professional family photos
– Formal playdates for the 3-year-old (he plays with other kids on the playground, at church, at school functions, after activities)
– Going anyplace to visit Santa
– Any activities on Sunday other than church and family time
Cb says
Oh we don’t do professional photos either.
Anon says
Pregnant now (no older kids), but based on how we live now, the balls I know that I will drop and I have no problem with are perfect from-scratch meals every night and perfectly clean house. I’m all about jarred pasta sauce and frozen meatballs and ignoring dust on the baseboards. Also, we work to live, not the other way around. Some of the things you mentioned, especially the outdoors, are incredibly important to us and we cannot do as much in the outdoors as we would like if we also need to cook all the time. My hope for this baby is that we will inculcate that love of nature early.
I also plan to do my damnedest to exercise every single day like I do now, which can be as little as a 10-minute walk or as much as a three/hour bike ride. It has become an absolute nonnegotiable for my mental health. It has really helped to see lots of parents around me pull it off so I know it can be done as long as you can let some other things go.
Anon says
And actually, I have a story about how this arose for me. I went to visit in a family member who at the time lived in a beautiful mountain town famed for its recreation opportunities. She wanted to make dinner that night with my help, which was great, but I didn’t realize that she planned to make pasta from scratch, sauce from scratch, and meatballs from scratch. It took over six hours, every single pan in the kitchen was dirty despite running the dishwasher twice, and it tasted the same as at the store. We did not get to go out for a hike or bike ride. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but that experience changed my priorities.
GCA says
Oh dear. DH’s family of origin is Italian and all about pasta sauce from scratch, but they make it in enormous batches when tomatoes are good and ripe, AND THEN FREEZE IT. But maybe your relative is someone for whom the cooking is the experience and they just wanted to spend time with you.
Anon says
She does like cooking and also has some allergies that make some store-bought items off-limits, which I totally get, but still, I cannot even express how filthy that kitchen was after. It really did influence me to stick to simple meals to allow more time outside!
anon says
Oh my. That would’ve been a wake-up call for me, too. Like, I value having a family dinner but not at the expense of actually living my life.
Anonymous says
Caring about screen time. Only one kiddo, and Mom and Dad need breaks, too.
Anon says
Same on the new foods, nature (though we do try to spend time outside), consistently involving in chores, table manners at dinner, making things from scratch (next weekend for Rosh Hashanah I’m purchasing dessert to bring to someone’s house)
Anon says
I always relate to your comments here :) and my list is similar. We have not been great about chores, expanding our picky eater’s horizons or table manners. Really just manners in general are not great. Another big one for us is swimming lessons. My kindergartner has never had formal swim lessons, which I know horrifies some here, but we live in the Midwest with a short swimming season and I figure that when we eventually get her formal lessons. she’ll progress much faster than she would have at a younger age (I think you said your kid had a similar experience?) We also dropped formal religious education. DH & I liked the idea of our kid having a more solid religious upbringing than we had, but in practice it turned into a huge battle every week and we realized that unless we were really going to back it up at home, it was pointless. And I have to admit I LOVE having our Sunday mornings back for family time or low key stuff like library visits, especially as our Saturdays continue to get busier and busier with activities and play dates and what not.
I’m sure there’s more I can’t think of right now. We don’t do any academics at home, but that’s a deliberate choice, not a ball we’ve dropped. I had parents who did a lot of academic stuff with me, and it wasn’t a good experience. I feel very strongly that school and teachers should handle all the academic stuff, unless the kid is falling off the bell curve in either direction, which my kid is not.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Love this. We’re probably similar. Our kids are 7 and almost 5.
1. We serve two meals – one for the parents and one for the kids, most nights. Kids get “kid foods” and honestly, I was excited when my 5 year old said he liked grilled cheeses because it added to his very limited repertoire. Do I want them to eat more veggies? Sure. Did I eat much veggies as a kid? Not really. I pay $15 for sweetgreen salads for lunch now.
2. Chores/allowance. The one thing we always have them do is clear their plates after meals. I’ve been trying to get them to put their shoes on the shoe rack but it’s inconsistent. I started to give the 7 year a weekly allowance ($7), but often forget or don’t have the right change. He doesn’t ask for much “stuff” beyond the massive amounts he already has, so it’s kind of moot.
3. Educational TV. They watch Gabby’s Playhouse, Octonauts, Floor is Lava, etc. And youtube videos of random stuff (we’re still there to monitor this, as Youtube can be nuts).
At the end of the day, my kids are pretty different from each other, and each has their joys and difficulties, so I’m not sure that anything we’ve done will really make or break them, beyond the fact that we do show up everyday (and, importantly for me, BOTH of us do) and do the best we can for them. And are aware of and try to encourage all emotions/try our best to model/still occasionally yell and mess up.
Anon says
We cook two meals most nights too. I swore we never would, but DH handles the cooking and does it this way and I’m not going to fight him on it. To be fair, the kid meal is not elaborate. Boxed mac and cheese is about as involved as it gets.
We never give our 5 year cash allowance. We just keep a running tally in our heads and tell her how much she has when she asks. Lazy allowance, I call it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Also, the sports and activities are very kid personality driven. We’ve signed our older kid up for what a lot would consider “too much” probably – some activity 3 nights during the week, with some games and other activities on the weekends. So far, he’s enjoying it and he is a kid who needs to be active. Note that we didn’t do this in K because he needed to rest after school, but now, in 2nd grade, he seems to have adjusted better. Younger kid is not as activity driven and more of a homebody, and so likely will not do as much early on, unless he expresses interest.
Anon says
Yeah, I was a low activity kid myself and never would have expected to have a 5 year old in three activities at once, but it seems to be the right fit for her. She’s a very extroverted only child and I really believe she thrives on this level of activity. I was so different.
Anonymous says
We all have grilled cheese for dinner as a family once a week since it is one of the only things we all like. It was truly thrilling when my son added tomato soup to his repertoire as it classes up the grilled cheese.
Anon says
I’ve seen comments here and elsewhere like “ugh, I’m a bad mom who makes grilled cheese/hot dogs/sandwiches/macaroni for dinner.” I’m always baffled because that seems totally fine to me! I do care about eating organics as much as I can (for animal welfare/the planet), but organic macaroni is a legitimate dinner for me.
DLC says
One day I had a fit and told my kids if they didn’t pick up the mess they made in the kitchen we were just going to have toast for dinner. Afterwards, they said it was the best dinner ever. Sigh.
Anonymous says
My kids request breakfast-for-dinner. toast +scrambled eggs. depending on kid preferences, we church it up with jam for the toast instead of plain butter.
avocado says
I love this thread!
Balls we have dropped over the years:
Professional photos, although we did get senior photos (sniff!).
Training the dog beyond loose-leash walking and an inconsistent sit. Instead, she has trained us to do her bidding.
Yard care, although this is really starting to irritate me.
Holiday cards and baking unless we happen to feel like it that year.
Washing the car until it gets really filthy. There was prom glitter on the seats for two months. This also kind of bugs me but not enough that I bother to go to the car wash more often.
Most hosting at our house. When our daughter was little I strongly encouraged her to have her birthday parties at various party venues, although she did insist on a few crazy themed parties at home. Her graduation party will be at our neighborhood clubhouse, and we are hosting jointly with another family so it will be less work for all. When we do have people over it’s just our closest, most chill family and friends.
SAT prep. I bought her the books and reminded her and she still didn’t study so I gave up. She winged it and did great.
Enforcing bed-making or basically any other regular chores. She cooks for herself and helps out with one-off things when I ask but is usually “too busy” to make her bed or put away her junk. I feel sorry for her future college roommate.
Enforcing practice for music lessons. She practices when she has an audition coming up and that’s about all she’ll bother with. Her teacher hasn’t dropped her yet…
School volunteering. I especially refuse to get anywhere near the show choir booster club, which is full of drama llama mamas. I give them money and then sit back and enjoy listening to my friends complain about the insanity.
Chaperoning school trips. See above.
Selling stuff for fund-raisers. See above.
Church until it was time for our daughter to take confirmation class.
My toxic job! I quit this summer to take a lean-out position for a little while. I wish I’d done it years ago.
Anon says
I’m almost 40 and my vocabulary is still much more robust for words that begin with “A” because my parents bought me an SAT prep book that I gave up on very quickly.
Congrats on the upcoming graduation and the new job! The grad party sounds perfect! I had a joint graduation open house with my high school BFF and still have such fond memories of it 20 years later.
Anonymous says
Hahaha same here on the vocabulary!
avocado says
Oh, and we gave up enforcing bedtime and screen time limits when she was shockingly young. Her brain hasn’t rotted and she usually goes to bed at a decent hour.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My childhood room was a mess most of the time, and my parents didn’t enforce too many chores beyond picking up and cleaning the bathroom when it got really bad. I didn’t do laundry or cook until I got to college. It’s ok, I figured it out, and I’d say I was an excellent, conscientious roommate! (P.S. contrary to popular assumption, the cleanest house I’ve ever lived in was with 3 other guys, including my now husband)
anonM says
Professional family photos.
Anonymous says
I love this. I can’t think of any have any that haven’t already been mentioned: we don’t cook exotic food (for our kids), we don’t enforce chores or tidying up toys, we don’t do sports (I suspect one of my kids will benefit from organized sports but as of now he’s too young), we don’t attend church every Sunday, we don’t do play dates or birthday parties. Oh wait I thought of a new one: we don’t spend all our free time together as a family. DH and I take a trip together at least once a year, just the two of us. I’m convinced this makes me a better mom.
DLC says
Oh my gosh- so much! Particularly if it involves making decisions or talking to other people.
I don’t go to Back to school Night.
I don’t send my kids to language school, even though my immigrant parents lament the lack of connection our kids have with their cultural heritage.
Not kid related, but we have not had living room curtains in over a year. It looks really bad. But obviously not bad enough.
I squeeze all three kids into one bedroom because I can’t deal with the logistics of giving each their own room. Same for car- my car is 20 years old and we can barely fit into it, but getting a new roomier car seems so mentally hard.
Getting the kids to Brush teeth more than once a day.
(On that note, I did drop the ball on calling the pediatric dentist for my six year old and now he has nine cavities, so maybe that was not a good one to drop….)
Baths more than once a week, if that.
Volunteering/signing up for the PTA.
Anonymous says
we have lived in our house for 10 years and the only curtains are the blackout ones in the kid’s bedroom (also have 3 kids in there, but it’s a big room). there were wooden blinds on all the windows when we moved in and I just have never cared enough to do better.
GCA says
No professional photos. No photos of any sort. Barely did first day of school photos.
Academic skills practice at home.
‘Social’ activities for kids who are in daycare until THEY request it. Their social activity is daycare. At that age it is parallel play. By the end of pre-K, though, kid 2 was seeing her BFF seven days a week because they did gymnastics and swim together.
Anon says
Let’s see. Sometimes I let my 6 year old sleep with us. We make separate kid meal. We don’t have a firm screen time limit but will make effort to do activities to get out etc. Been meaning to enforce some chores but haven’t yet. No formal pics other than those at school. Cleaning is in spurts. My self care is limited to a stretching regime and carefully watching diet, no time for formal exercise.
Mary Moo Cow says
2 kids, age 8 and 6. We haven’t done any team sports or formal music lessons, formal art lessons, or academic enrichment. Neither kid has expressed interest in team sports or music. One kid probably would love extra art lessons, but hasn’t asked so I am not going to volunteer. We also don’t do a lot of community events like festivals, tree lightings, etc., that take up time and lots of mental energy to plan and really a pain with small kids.
Anonymous says
I don’t have any new ones to add, but in the broader scheme, I have “dropped the ball” (maybe more like I’ve dropped the pretense) on pretending that I’m doing things in a difficult manner/the most difficult way possible/willing to make all of these sacrifices of my time for my child or that I’m not spending a good bit of money to do the most convenient thing for us (and we’re fortunate to have jobs that give us this ability). I love my child more than anything and we do lots of things specifically for him, but a fair number of the decisions DH and I make have a lot of weight given to “what makes this easiest for us as parents?” I feel like most other parents where we live and encounter through school/work make a lot more of time/emotional energy sacrifices for their children.
For example, we will absolutely sit our kid down with a movie so we can get stuff done around the house, and I’m not going to pretend like I suffered through lots of house chores/admin tasks with my child underfoot. I didn’t, my son was watching lion king. We will say “no” to activities that are outside of the 15 minutes of driving radius from our house simply if we don’t feel like it (we live/work/have school within a 2 mile radius (and live in the center of our city), so we’re reluctant to spend our limited free time driving outside of this).
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is so spot on. Just like I asked for the epidural as soon as I could, I’m also not going to make life more difficult than it already is when it comes to raising kids! My job has a lot of annoyances, but it’s a lot easier for me to sit in an A/C office and do this work than it is to run after kids all day. And it gives me lots of money that I spend to give the rest of our life more conveniences. There actually is no medal for martyrs and your relationship with your kids will be shaped by so much more than what sacrifices you made and how miserable you are (and of course, we are all making sacrifices to some extent – that’s unavoidable!). I think my own mom could be described as “selfish” or at least primarily motivated by her own self interests more than a “mother should,” but at the end of the day, her own happiness probably helped me be the best person I can be.
Anon says
I really agree with this. I do get the vibe from some people in my life that they want the martyr medal (and I get it, life is hard sometimes), but seriously, there are no prizes for skipping showers or basic exercise or meals when you’re a parent. Your kids want to see you be happy and well cared for too.
anonM says
+1. I had an aha moment when I read somewhere that no one, including your kids, will thank you for neglecting yourself “for them.” They want you to live long and be happy, too. Obviously, this means different things for different people, but it made me schedule some doctor appointments for myself I’d been putting off.
Anon says
I agree!. I’ve seen some people here say they feel guilty about not having a second or third kid because they feel like they shouldn’t be doing life on easy mode and I’m just thinking “What!? Easy mode is great!” Not to say my life is stress-free but I feel no reason to do hard things just because they’re hard.
Anonymous says
I really love this framing. Like many moms, I find parenting to be quite challenging at times, but I refuse to participate in the Mommy martyr club.
CCLA says
Love this. So many things and I’m sure I’m forgetting some, but some things we’ve dropped (dual working parents, kids are 7 and almost 5):
-we do two meals (kid 1 was in feeding therapy for a while, and it was a big day when she would eat french fries finally b/c it was something she could order from a restaurant)
-no formal thank you notes
-no formal chore reqs (I differentiate this from cleaning up after themselves – kids bus their plates and put their shoes away and do an OK job of tidying up after they play, but they’re not like dusting every week like I did as a kid)
-weekend activities. once we got a nanny we leaned into after school for things like swim lessons and will prob add piano for the older one soon, but are taking it slow and don’t have anything they must do besides swimming (we were really late on the lessons and live in SoCal, but they did pick it up quickly in the last year). weekends are sacred for now to recharge, we love to get out of town or play tourist in our own town, and the idea of AYSO games every Saturday makes me cringe, but then I feel guilty for not joining that community – trying to let it go and enjoy our weekends.
Bette says
I looove this! Thank you for the great thread – just reading and making my own list feels so freeing. We have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. We’ve chosen to drop these balls:
– table manners
– clothes in the house (kid loves to be naked)
– any organized activities outside school (no music class, sports, anything)
– kid-driven playdates (we have lots of adult friends with similarly aged kids so if we socialize, it’s with them, but we never set up playdates just because the kid wants to see a certain friend)
– Christmas cards and formal thank you notes
– school volunteering
– professional family photoshoots
– flossing (almost laughed in the dentist’s face when he said we should be flossing my toddler’s teeth daily)
– our kid watches YouTube every night during bedtime routine so we can get through jammies, teethbrushing, diapering, etc.
– even though our kid is super small and doesn’t even plot on the growth charts for weight, we have pretty much given up on trying to get him to eat more than he naturally wants to (we do use dessert as an incentive though)
One ball that I recently picked back up and hope to never put down again: daily exercise. I’ve never really had a consistent workout routine but I’ve been able to get in 5 workouts/week for the past month and the different in my mood and energy level is insane. I hope I can keep it up even if more balls have to drop.
Anonymous says
Second everyone that said professional photos.
The other thing we’ve dropped (but I hope to pick up again someday!) is interesting travel. We are doing the exact same trips/vacations in 2024 that we did this year, which is also the same as what we did in 2022. They are fun! We love all of them! My kids are still too young to really remember anything. But someday I really do want to get back to interesting travel.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I love this. Two kids, 2.5 and 5.5.
– No formal family photos
– No evening activities as of yet – DS #1 will likely do scouts this year, and if it’s a fit, that’s it for a while. I hope to lean into all the offerings in his aftercare as much as possible for as long as possible. Generally, I have no desire to sign kids up for anything they themselves don’t want to do.
– No big birthday parties unless kid asks/is of age to ask, or in the case when DS #1 turned 1, we wanted to throw a party for ourselves
– Don’t attend class birthday parties until kid is old enough to confirm whether they want to go or not (this started around ~4 with DS #1); now only attend when DS #1 an confirm he wants to be there
– Don’t set up playdates
– Don’t track every dress up day – if we remember, great, if not, bye
– Don’t post on IG/social media and don’t take “instaworthy” pictures – all my snaps on the phone are for memories
– I’m terrible at milestone specific toys and have decided to leave it be – my 2.5 year old has never been on a trike, I had no idea “everyone” got pretend kitchens for kids, etc.
– I don’t gift presents at kid birthday parties, always money or a gift certificate. Sometimes an e-gift certificate.
What I’m working on:
– Figuring out how I can find a job/role that actually enables me to take better care of myself vs. squeezing it in the margins. I’m tired of being so tired from something that will never love me back beyond a paycheck.
Anonymous says
Where are my moms of 7/8 year olds with ADHD? I’m here to celebrate a small win while the celebrating is good.
My 2nd grade adhd kiddo with major sleep issues that I posted ad nauseum about as she wrapped up 1st grade with near daily meltdowns, protesting school, the works, started school this week. Summer was better than the end of school but not great and we were bracing for impact when school started last week.
YOU GUYS.
I think aliens came and did a body swap in August. She’s been….perfect. Not just “perfect for her” but like, better than my other neurotypical kids on a good day.
She’s been *putting herself to bed* on time, heck even early. Lays out her outfit the night before, is often up before her alarm and dressed with a smile on her face. She’s been pleasant, even keeled with her siblings, long fuse on her typically short temper. Eating well. No meltdowns at all since mid august. Reports “it’s hard but I’m not even very fidgety at school. More wiggly than some of the other kids but for me not fidgety at all.” Is excited about activities starting back up, willingly wore soccer cleats (a. Massive hurdle we overcame via 74638472 try ons over 3 weeks until we found an Acceptable Pair). Sits at the table to eat, doesn’t get up 4736294 times, engages in pleasant talk and eats what we serve or politely asks for an alternative (which we allow for all the kids).
I don’t know what it is. But DH and I are soaking in every moment of it because we know what it can (and will) be like when she’s not having a good week but OH MAN is this awesome. We can’t figure out what we’ve/she’s done, other than we’ve gotten into a really nice cycle of bedtime and good sleep, and we’ve added in 10-15 minutes of outside time before the bus comes to let her burn some energy. We let her veg in front of the tv after school but switched to a “no screens after dinner” policy and try and get the kids outside for 15 minutes after dinner. She looks forward to school in part I think because I think she’s hit the age where she’s made real friends and a few are in her class and on her bus. We also have a K kiddo* so there is an element of “big sister” behavior in play which seems to be a good thing for her.
I think like when “it’s bad it’s really bad” with her, when it’s good it’s really good? I’m seriously considering a lotto ticket.
*K kiddo is an age appropriate hot mess and my 4th grader is a moody tween who won’t go to bed on time and wakes up super grouchy and emotional but I’ll take those battles any day over what we had with middle kiddo last spring!
Anonymous says
Awesome! But not totally shocking. My ADHD kid does SO much better with the structure of school + extracurriculars.
Anonymous says
yes, my ADHD kids’ extracurriculars started this week and getting back to the structure and routines of the school year is already helping.
I think the little bits of outside time and no screens after dinner probably also help. until they don’t, but then you’ll figure something else out. meanwhile, take the win! Yay!
Anonymous says
15 mins of outside time makes all the difference to my kids. DH and I adjusted our work schedules to be able to walk them instead of drive and it makes all the difference.
Anon says
That’s awesome!! Good for you and her!
anon says
My MIL calls my two year old daughter “baby cakes” and “baby doll” and “doll baby” and “angel.” It drives me crazy and I’m trying to figure out why. I don’t like MIL so I might simply be at the point where innocuous things irritate me, plus I’m just not into cutesy nicknames. But I’m also annoyed at the overly gendered nicknames I think. Like no she’s a kid, not a doll or an angel. Would these names bother anyone else or am I being wayyyyyy too sensitive?
Anon says
I’m not into cutesy nicknames either and would find this mildly annoying, but it’s not a hill I would die on for sure.
Cb says
Yeah, my in laws called my son by the wrong name until he was 2 and could correct them himself (think Benjamin, nickname Benny, they called him Ben because the nickname was “dreadfully American…” It was supremely annoying but also not something I cared about fixing for the 1x a month we spoke to them.
Anon says
That’s worse than what OP’s MIL is doing. That would really tick me off especially the “dreadfully American” bit.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I too hate those terms and most cutesy stuff, but not sure there’s much you can about it! I’d worry if she started to say things like “girls can only do this” or “girls must like this,” etc.
Anon says
Depends on how much time you spend with your MIL
anonM says
I don’t like “angel” or “princess” but call both my son and daughter cutesy names including baby cakes and honey. I am a stickler on not letting people call the kid nicknames I personally don’t prefer for my kids (along the lines of not calling Richard Dick). Tbh it sounds like it is annoying to you because of who is saying it.
Anonymous says
I think you’re justified in being annoyed but it’s probably not something you can do anything about. We’re pretty big on nicknames in our family but they’re not gendered: that’s the part that would bother me. Is she just a nickname person? Or is it possible she doesn’t like your daughter’s name? I know that’s a weird hot take but now I’m curious.
anon says
She doesn’t like my daughter’s middle name, though she shut up about that real quick when I told her her son picked the middle name :)
I think she’s ok with the first name.
Also for another poster- we see her about once a week.
Anon says
I don’t know if this helps, but my grandma called me all those names. Even just reading your post, I smiled and remembered her so freaking fondly. I also was a Division 1 full scholarship athlete, and a pretty well decorated high school athlete. My absolute best memories are of my grandma showing up at my meets and screaming loud enough to be heard in a 10 mile radius “GO ANGEL BABY GO!!! YOU CAN DO IT BABYCAKES!!!” In fact, just typing this made me tear up. I miss her so. No one else called (or calls) me those names, and she was fierce, funny, and amazing.
Anon says
Also, and honestly, if anyone from any of my former teams is on here this totally outs me — she called everyone on my teams “doll baby,” and these were some pretty freaking tough athletes. She also wouldn’t go by “grandma” or anything similar as it made her sound “old,” so she went by a derivative of “Mom.” She drove my mom crazy for reasons I understand now as a parent, but she was an awesome grandma. Looking back, I’m thankful that my mom gritted her teeth regarding these and other petty annoyances, and largely didn’t interfere in our relationship. I will also now call my mom and tell her how much I appreciate that :)
Anon says
Love these anecdotes! Sorry for the loss of your grandma <3
CCLA says
This is so sweet, thank you for sharing.
Anonymous says
I love everything about this. grandmas are indeed the best. mine called me “sweet pea” which I always thought was a weird southern thing, but my CA-born and raised husband calls our daughter that, so what do I know?
Anon says
Awww, I love this! Thank you for sharing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
This made me tear up. Thank you for writing this. Grandmas are the best (even my MIL who drives me bonkers is an EXCELLENT grandmother).
Anonymous says
Just wait until your daughter is 4 or 5 and gets annoyed with it.
Anonymous says
Yup when I was a tween, I was a camp counselor and called a 4-yo “baby doll.” She said “I’m not a baby and I’m not a doll” and it was awesome.
Anonymous says
My MIL calls my 4 year old son “my aaahhhnngellll” in a long, drawn-out way, and I just roll my eyes and move on. It’s silly but it’s her thing. It’s not gendered though. I get more annoyed when my FIL asks if he has a girlfriend at daycare (ugh).
Anon says
I think you’re being overly sensitive. Let her have the dumb nicknames even if they’re not your favorite options.
ElisaR says
i get that it’s annoying, i always thought cutesy nicknames were annoying. I freaked out as a kid when my own mother called me “honey.” my husband and i don’t call each other anything but recently….. i don’t know what came over me but I can’t stop calling my kids the MOST ridiculous names. they are boys. and they are getting “babyboy (they are not babies), schmoopie (seinfeld), sweetpea, honeybuns” and I CAN’T STOP! maybe your MIL was similarly overcome by ridiculousness.
Anonymous says
Not trying to #humblebrag here, just looking for practical advice: DS is almost 5yo and consistently one of the more outgoing kids in his classes. He’s very social, very energetic, very vocal, and (for his age anyway) a good playmate. I think because of this a lot of other kids seem to consider him their best friend. As in, multiple moms have sent me videos of their kid talking about DS and how much they miss him when they’re not at school together. A mom from our old school just texted me asking if we would attend her kid’s upcoming birthday, b/c her kid misses DS so much. Etc etc. We haven’t seen some of these friends in months, and these are kids that DS has never once mentioned. It makes me happy that so many other kids consider DS to be a good friend, but it’s a little overwhelming and hard to know what our obligation should be. DH and I are introverts so we’re in foreign territory here. Has anyone else navigated this? I’m not always sure what to say, and I don’t really want to sign up to attend a thousand birthday parties for both our new and old schools.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Aww, sounds like a great kid! I’d embrace it and send him to the parties. Seems like he would enjoy them, even if he doesn’t actively mention the kid now. If these are drop off (though he is prob too young now), even better!
anon says
My son is like this and I just ask him if he wants to go. I assume these kids’ concept of friendship will evolve and your obligations won’t be at this level forever. But I also personally don’t mind birthday parties as much as this board seems to. it’s an easy activity and i find it more relaxing than being at home with my social kid complaining about being bored and wanting to see friends and then having to actually arrange a meet up.
Anonymous says
Just ask him whether he wants to go. If there are too many parties for you to handle logistically, skip the ones for the old school.
GCA says
Oh, this is my kid. He is very energetic and kind, and a lot of other kids adore him, but it wasn’t till this past year (2nd grade) that he has talked about his friends of his choosing. I think he’s also kind of socially…happy to play with everyone? We sent him to the parties and took the opportunity to connect with the other kids’ parents.
NYCer says
Re the party you were just invited to, if it were me, I would probably ask my kid if she wanted to go. But it would also be totally fine to just decline outright since your son doesn’t ever mention this kid and they go to different schools now. Just tell the other mom sorry we can’t make it that weekend. You have no obligation to these people just because their kids say your son is their best friend. They are 4. Best friends change all the time at that age.
As more and more time passes since the time when the kids were in school together, I suspect these texts will become less frequent. I would not spend too much time worrying about this.
Anon says
I’m sure others will disagree but personally I’d try to attend parties for someone who’s indicated they consider your kid a good friend, especially when the invite is personal and not just a whole class invite. It doesn’t sound like you’re inundated with party invites, right? It’s just the one for now. I don’t think you need to do play dates, many families seem to opt out of those at this age.
I seem to be in the minority here but I actually loved attending the Pre-K birthday parties. Pizza, cake and two hours of active play for my kid was well worth the ~$10 toy we’d buy, and I enjoyed getting to know the other parents, some of whom I still talk to regularly even though our kids are older and no longer close. It’s weird in elementary school how little contact we have with the other families.
Anonymous says
+1 to the first paragraph. I’m an introvert mom to an extrovert kid who seems to be well liked by his peers. I don’t spend my whole weekends at kid birthdays but when the kid him/herself makes a point to invite my kiddo, we make every effort to attend.
Anon says
The last time I took a kid to a birthday party of a kid from an old school (that they were actually friends with at the time!) but whom we had not kept in touch with, I regretted it. The kids clearly barely even remembered each other, and the birthday kid had all their new school friends there that my kid obviously didn’t know. It was actually kind of sad, I wish I’d just left the memory of them being sweet prek friends alone.
I’m sure this wouldn’t be true in all cases like if the friendships were actually maintained, or if there was a bigger community dynamic at play like they’d all meet up again in middle school or something, but if they weren’t even friends in the first place I’d say hard pass. (Even if in theory if you asked they’d say yes – they don’t know what they don’t know).
AwayEmily says
I had a very similar experience when my first-grader went to a party of a kid who she was super close with in preschool. It was a real bummer.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
THIS. The weekend before school started, I took DS #1 to the house of a kid from his transition kinder class for a birthday party. They hadn’t seen each other in 2-3 weeks at this point, after their camp had ended.
DS #1 had told me he wanted to go when the invite came across a few weeks before the party.
We get to the party. DS #1 had a complete meltdown, didn’t want to play, and we left within 20 minutes — this had never happened before. It was probably just a bad day for DS #1 in a really transitional time, but I decided not to “look back” in this way again unless there are other solid ties.
Anon says
We had a similar experience once too. My daughter is a fall birthday and really wanted to invite some pre-K buddies who don’t go to her elementary school, but we haven’t seen them since July and aren’t friends with the parents, so I convinced her to just invite her kindergarten class and a couple pre-K kids who are at her current school, because she still sees them regularly at recess and aftercare and they may be classmates in the future.
GCA says
We talk about K kids having meltdowns the first week of school, but can *I* have a meltdown for a moment? I’ve just spent the last 1.5 hours either:
-getting kids out the door
-standing out front waiting for the bus
-and finally dropping kids off at 2 different school campuses (and dispatching the other kids at our stop to get their grownups, whom I don’t know as we just moved) because the bus never showed up.
I’ve heard this is typical of the first week in large city systems where the buses have to do two shifts, but this is our third or fourth bus mishap this week. Sigh.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, so annoying. Buses are supposed to be a convenience, not make life harder! Our buses do shifts too for the hs, ms, then es, and there were some issues the first day, but seem to have been resolved by now. We have an awesome bus coordinator who is so responsive (this is the busiest time of year for her) – do you have someone you can check in with?
GCA says
And I fully get this is due to a shortage of bus drivers. Like, I would be willing to pay for busing to subsidize the cost of transport, but if the school system simply doesn’t have drivers, it doesn’t have drivers. Just venting.
anon says
Yep, my distract is short something like 180 bus drivers. And my kids are at a late start school, so usually their drivers on on their second or third route and thus starting late to begin with (or not showing up at all). It’s a mess, but there also isn’t really anything the transportation office can do about it other than hire people as fast as they can.
GCA says
Yeah, my kids are at a late start school too…which is why we needed the bus to begin with! They would have to be dropped off at a time when both of us have overlapping meetings. Eventually kid 1 could walk kid 2 to school, and I am looking into a walking or biking school bus, but they don’t know the neighborhood yet…
Anonymous says
Meltdown justified: the bus drama is real. I’m solo parenting today and the morning went as well as could be expected, but I got up at 4AM (nobody’s fault: I just couldn’t sleep) and didn’t have a single sip of coffee until 8:45. I’m giving myself a gold star for not melting down over that alone.
Anon says
Ugh that’s so annoying. We haven’t had major drama like this. I’ve had a much harder adjustment to kindergarten than my kid! She is completely unfazed and I still feel constantly frazzled over a month in.
Anonymous says
This is why I gave up on the bus. It was always 45 minutes late. Now I drive them to school but I still get a robocall at 6:30 every morning telling me the bus is late.
Anonymous says
In our school district they could easily solve this problem by spacing out bus stops at a reasonable distance. The bus stops at nearly every house where there are kids, often 4 or 5 times on a 1/4-mile block. If they just made all the kids walk to the corner, the bus run would take less than half as long and they’d have time to double back to do another route without being late.
Anonymous says
Our district runs like you wish. I’d never heard of such a thing – it wasn’t how much bus worked as a kid. And it is wonderful. My kiddo is only on the bus for 15-20 minutes each way, typically more like 15. And the walk to/from the bus stop in our neighborhood really teaches independence. And the waiting together with all the kids in the morning/getting off together in the afternoon is great social time for all the kids together. I love it.
Anon says
I will say this doesn’t solve everything… We have centralized bus stops, so it’s about 0.6 miles from our house to our bus stop (max for elementary kids is 1.5 miles) and the buses are still exceptionally late. It is good for comradery, though!
Anon says
Whoa 1.5 miles is so far! We’re 0.7 miles from the school and it’s quite a walk with a kindergartner, especially in the afternoons. Can’t imagine doubling it.
anonM says
Solidarity. The intro to school pick/up drop off this week was crazy. We bike so I thought I’d miss the drama of bus/cars but turns out cars who cut in line ALSO make it nearly impossible to bike safely….shouldn’t be a surprise but yeahhhhhhh. The feeling reminded me of giving birth for the first time – realizing all these women have been through this and I’d barely heard about it? Like, I kinda can’t believe there isn’t more outrage about this logistics stuff except for the fact that when you’re the most effected you’re also the most tired/overstretched. Hope next week’s logistics are better!!