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Writingq says
How should my first grader handwriting look? she goes to a well regarded public school but I’m not sure how much they are practicing writing and her Montessori did not prepare her well for writing. she can write everything but her letters are often different sizes, the spacing is uneven. and she doesn’t alternate consistently between upper and lower cade. do I need to work on this or how can I tell if her writing I’d age appropriate?
anon says
That’s funny. Not the answer to your question but a good friend of mine is fairly braggadocious about her Montessori daughter (in general, fwiw) who has been “writing in cursive” since she was four. That said, I don’t think she actually knows what she’s writing – she’s just tracing/copying and making squiggly lines and loops vs letters in her little mind as far as I can tell. That said, I was getting a little self conscious because my same-aged DD has typical 5 year old handwriting that varies in size, slants across the page, mixes up letters sometimes.
So, I can’t really answer your question because mine is only in K but I would “trust the process” a bit and let your DD’s teacher react / tell you this is something to work on at home vs. worry too much about now.
anon says
I should edit but maybe implied…. “that’s funny” to me, as in this is something my friend brings up a fair amount – her daughter’s handwriting and Montessori but in the opposite context. Your question is not inherently funny and a fair one to ask!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Do they even teach cursive anymore? Is there really a point beyond signing your name?
Mary Moo Cow says
My private school teaches cursive at the end of second grade, and they have a choice to use it beyond that. My daughter was actually thrilled to learn cursive, and her print has dramatically improved. Teaching cursive has come up at a few birthday parties, with all the parents are saying, they better still teach cursive! I’m biased because I’m still a cursive writer, but I’m happy for kids to learn. I think of the line in one of the Thursday Murder Club books: We used to know each others’ handwriting, didn’t we?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Now we all text and email!
Spirograph says
1. I love Thursday Murder Club
2. Our schools don’t teach cursive, so I bought cursive workbooks for each of my kids and they are required to do a page of cursive practice each day before they can have any screen time. It’s proved suitably motivating :)
Anon says
Sounds very normal to me. My kids are younger but I used to work in a first grade classroom in a good public district.
Anonymous says
Normal
Boston Legal Eagle says
Go to the open house and see how the other kids are writing. They’re probably similar. Meet with the teacher at parent-teacher night and she will tell you if there are concerns, but this sounds typical for the age.
HSAL says
Sounds super normal to me. My daughter is in second and last year is when they really practiced similar sizing and finger spacing between words. They don’t use a ton of lined paper in K or 1st, and that makes a difference. This summer she kept a journal and worked on keeping letters between two lines, and now a month into second all her letters are on one line.
Anonymous says
My first grade son does all this and tbh I am thrilled. He was behind all last year in writing and reading so seeing him write without complaining is what I consider progress. He was also in Montessori fwiw.
Cb says
My son’s writing is similar. I’ve been trying to encourage him to write more at home, birthday cards, the weekend to do list etc.
Anonymous says
Lol she’s fine
Anonymous says
My kiddo just started 2nd and is young for her age- she turned 7 in early August. I swear, in the past MONTH her handwriting matured.
As late as end of 1st grade it was big blocky writing, occasionally got a letter backwards still, which had me super worried.
She doesn’t write a lot, or read a lot. But I thought her teacher wrote her name on her paper that came home yesterday, but nope! It was her! I think the lines got smaller for her to write on and she just…adjusted.
Anon says
This is totally on par with what I see for my kids’ 1st grade classmates. I have one kid who has had beautiful handwriting since K (thanks to lots of practice in Montessori pre-K) and one kid who has very typically 6yo handwriting (because her Montessori class didn’t focus on writing at all).
Anonymous says
Interesting, my kids are in public school now but went to Montessori for 2 pandemic years. Handwriting (in cursive) was a big focus there. Public schools do not teach cursive at all, and handwriting does not seem to be a priority. My 2nd grader’s handwriting is similar to how you describe your 1st grader’s, so it sounds very normal to me. Even my 3rd grader’s handwriting leaves a lot to be desired, especially when she’s impatient & rushing. 5th grader has beautiful cursive, and neat printing.
Anonymous says
In my MA public school cursive is still taught! They get it in 3rd grade and a refresher in 5th.
The lessons are nothing like my Catholic school in the late 80s/early 90s but my 10 year old can read cursive and, if necessary, write in it. She can do her entire name for sure.
DLC says
So my 6th grader has terrible handwriting with letters very uneven in size and she still flips letters. She has at least figured out correct case usage. I’ve asked every year and it has never been a point of concern from her teachers. It’s just not something that our public school district prioritizes- everyone gets Chromebooks. (Of course they don’t teach touch typing either…). I see a wide range in handwriting among her peers. The only kids I know who learn cursive are in private school. I feel like at this point if I want my kids to have neat penmanship I have to work on it with them myself, or my kid has to be super motivated, which she actually has shown an independent interest in learning cursive. I remember when I was that age, among my friends, developing your unique writing style was as important as how you styled your bangs.
Anonymous says
Yes to your last sentence! I think it was partly driven by the Babysitters Club books. I remember practicing to get my cursive bubbly like Stacey’s.
Clementine says
My print is modeled after Dawn’s! To this day.
EB0220 says
Totally anecdotal but my child who went to a Montessori school for her whole preschool career has absolutely horrible handwriting, alway shas. We kind of gave up and told her to type.
Anonymous says
the discussion on yesterday’s week in the life post reminded me as to why as someone who needs sleep i cannot have a big job, be a pinterest mom, have hobbies and a social life all at once. as a kid, that was basically the vision of success i was sold and somehow in high school i could manage on 6 hours of sleep a night, but now i need a minimum of 7, but ideally 8+. also- if you’re going to get offended when people mix up your kids names, don’t name them something as similar as Max and Mac, it’s confusing!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I need at least 7 hours of sleep, ideally closer to 7.5-8. That’s not a moral failing – that is most humans! There are certainly people out there who can function on 4 or fewer hours (or claim to), but that’s not the standard we should be measuring ourselves to.
GCA says
Also, I don’t even *need* much sleep (I wake up alert and hungry after 6-5-7h) but I definitely don’t have the same concentration for all the hours that I’m not asleep. This is my pet peeve with time management books: they don’t recognize that all my hours are not created equal in terms of energy, and they seldom account for the fact that downtime is restorative.
And hard agree on standards of ‘success’. There’s a good Anne Helen Petersen/ Work Appropriate podcast on reframing ambition: what if you could be ambitious about things like contentment? Or ambitious about securing paid leave for all? https://crooked.com/podcast/what-happened-to-my-ambition-with-rainesford-stauffer/
Anonymous says
Over the past three years my ambition has shifted for a variety of reasons, including watching two of my peers die of cancer and leave young children behind. I just quit my toxic job, which I should have done about 5 years ago, and took a part-time contract position doing something that I love and am good at and that can actually make a difference in the world. My current ambitions are to be there for my kid and family in a way I couldn’t when my job had taken all the best of me, to do work that truly advances social justice, to go all in on my hobby (which once upon a time was my paid job), to make a real contribution as a leader in my church, and to have fun and make memories now instead of waiting until a retirement that I may never see.
Anonymous says
That’s so sad for your peers and everyone who loved them, but I admire how you’ve re-prioritized. I’ve been feeling very similar, but haven’t taken the plunge yet. I’ve heard that the first 40 years you work on your resume, and the next 40 you work on your obituary, but I didn’t expect to feel it so viscerally right on schedule.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Agreed on all counts – something (multiple things?) have to give. I’m going through a major reckoning of all of this at….40.
Spirograph says
Hard same. I have been making it work by shortchanging my sleep for the last 5 years and within the 6-12 months I’ve realized I just can’t do that anymore.
(I skipped that thread yesterday because balancing career, family, and my own health is just too fraught for me right now.)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Come sit next to me.
Tt feels like a rob-Peter-to-pay-Paul thing with work, social life, partner relationship, and kids. DH told me yesterday (paraphrasing) that he’s been feeling unsupported – not because of anything I’ve done/not done – but because I’m the one he can consistently count on as many of his other relationships with friends have changed, and so much of my energy rightfully goes to work and kids, so he doesn’t want to add to that.
I just feel so sad and am really questioning what’s the point of working a job that requires SO much (for me).
Spirograph says
Exactly. fwiw, I took a big career step back a few months ago that I’m still feeling the aftershocks of at work (ultimately, I probably need to leave this company, or at least my department, but I haven’t found the right exit strategy yet). It gotten to the point where work was taking too much of me – time, energy, patience – and it was negatively impacting my relationship with my kids and my husband, which was a vicious cycle ruining my own mental health. Things are getting better, but it sucked to “admit defeat.”
I found _Quit_ by Annie Duke helpful food for thought to reframe decisions when something has to give.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll look into this book. It looks up my alley.
I’m glad to hear things are getting better! Sounds like I’m right behind you, so the fact that things are improving give me hope. At some point it’s more than more childcare or more streamlined meal prep (which are seriously important, not diminishing those options) can fix.
I think I may either seriously quit or ask for the open role that’s a step down from mine next week.
Anonymous says
I posted above about leaning out to take a contract position. My job was killing my marriage because I had nothing left for my spouse and family. We decided together that our family was more important than my job, and things improved so much as soon as I gave notice.
Anon says
Yep.
I took an unpaid sabbatical from work and am on my way out. Despite having a very flexible accommodating job, with two small kids (+ their health needs) and a husband who has an inflexible and intense job, something had to give. And right now, I just need to take a step back and pause from work. The house is still a mess and life is still crazy but I am no longer running on fumes: my mental health is better, my physical health is better (my body makes is VERY clear to me when I need to slow down), and I have more brain space to give to my kids. I don’t know if that’s the right choice for everyone.
Cb says
I definitely need 8 hours, preferably 9. Lupus and sleep deprivation doesn’t mix.
I don’t know if I have hobbies per se, I like to go to coffee, ride my bike, read books, and go to yoga, and the first three are easy to put into the margins, and the yoga is so central to my health, I make time for it.
Anon says
Yes I need 9 hours to feel well rested. My husband is very energetic on 6. I know we’re at the extreme ends of the spectrum and most adults need 7-8, but still… those three hours make a huge difference!
Anonymous says
The OP of that post seemed genuinely upbeat and energetic, so I didn’t comment, but I had the same thought: her life would absolutely exhaust me. I’m an introvert with high sleep needs and pretty much only work for a paycheck. I appreciate that there are lots of different perspectives on here but right now I’m tired and discouraged about being a two parent working household with minimal help.
Anon says
I’m a two-parent household with minimum help too. I don’t have a big job but I still feel behind on everything, and my husband is pushed so hard at his work that he instantly loses his patience with the kids or anything else that is frustrating. I support my job, my husband, my kids, but it’s hard to feel supported in return to the level I expected. My kids are often demanding and my husband barely pauses to hear what I have to say oftentimes. That’s why I need sleep and to take care of my mental health. I go to bed at 8 pm.
Anonymous says
Has anyone here taken semaglutides and stopped in order to get pregnant? What was your experience?
anonz says
Yes. I took Ozempic for 8 months, lost about 40 lbs, and stopped in January 3 weeks before I started IVF transfer cycle at the recommendation of my PCP and RE. I’m now 29 weeks pregnant and plan to restart as soon as I can post childbirth and what I think will be a brief stint of b-feeding (so long as I can find the medicine, which is a whole other issue). I’m someone who plans to be on it for life. I also stopped metformin, which I take as a maintenance med given my insulin-resistant PCOS, which helps in the margins with weight loss, in case that matters.
I have a pretty severe case of insulin-resistant PCOS, so maybe this isn’t apples to apples enough for you. My whole life if I’m not actively counting calories, I’m gaining weight. So, I stopped Ozempic, add in IVF hormones, and started to gain. I gained back about 15 lbs between stopping the medication and becoming pregnant. Hard to know how much was the Ozempic stopping vs adding hormones vs my body’s baseline desire to gain. I had picked up some good habits in general while on Ozempic that carried through. But, stopping was pretty stark – those food-centric thoughts that Ozempic suppressed came right back. I felt a little more self aware when they did return having lived for a while without them and was able to manage them better than before, but still. Honestly, prior to the medicine and suppression of these thoughts I didn’t realize that “normal people” lived that way every day (iykyk, I guess). Really incredible, but I digress.
Leading up to this I was in fertility treatments for about 3.5 years to get pregnant. I talked extensively to my RE about the unknowns around semaglutides and conception – clearly didn’t need or want anything else working against me. For her, the calculus was that I would benefit far more from losing the weight than not taking the medicine. I also wasn’t optimistic I’d ever get pregnant so I decided to go on it with pregnancy in mind but also just sort of wanting to live my life/reclaim my life after years of treatments, if that makes sense. She was comfortable that Ozempic in particular was studied heavily enough for diabetic use that it was going to be problem-free for me to use and also want to become pregnant. She would have been fine with me on Wegovy because they’re effectively the same – my first Rx was for Wegovy before it wasn’t available (shortage last summer) but Ozempic was so we switched the Rx. Insurance covered both, which was great.
Hope that helps. Happy to answer more questions!
Anonymous says
Ohhh I wish. My fertility doctor recommended against it since while I am obese it’s not at a level she thinks will impact the success of IVF, versus potentially starting it and having side effects.
Life Admin During Kid Activities? says
As of this week, I’m going to be spending three hours a week waiting on kids during activities (one hour on two weeknights and one hour on Saturdays, for scouts and gymnastics.) I have to be in the building for all activities, but not hands on with kids. I suppose I could walk the school track during Scouts when it is not 1000 degrees, and I usually read a book during gymnastics and chat with parents during Scouts, but I’ve been wondering what life admin tasks I could handle. Any suggestions?
Cb says
I’d bring a tablet, tether it to my phone, and blast through admin tasks or save all your mail and open it then. I’d keep a list throughout the week of things you need to do. Having a password manager like LastPass helps making it easier to login quickly to things.
Anon says
YMMV but I’d recommend just reading a novel. You’ll likely get interrupted a lot (other parents saying hi, kid saying “mom, watch me!”), plus my brain is fried by the evening.
Spirograph says
This. Or, my aunt took up yarn crafts when all her kids were in sports. She just brought her knitting / crochet project with her everywhere
Anon says
I sometimes read, but ymmv, I’ve also used this time to form bonds with other parents. I felt like I got to know other families when my kids were in preschool b/c of drop off and pick up, but lost many of these connections during elementary school. I’ve really enjoyed developing relationships with other parents during these events, especially if the other participants are from your child’s school.
Anon says
i agree with this. otherwise for life tasks – make a grocery list, place a pick up target order, go through your phone to delete photos
Anonymous says
+2. Two years ago I had no mom friends and now I have several just from chatting with people during kid activities.
Anon says
I’d stick with exercising and reading and chatting. Sounds much more fun to me. Adding in admin tasks would make all that feel like SUCH a chore to me.
Anonymous says
I answer email during these times. I will also do things like required trainings, or listen to records of meetings I missed.
Or I chat with other parents and watch the activity, depending on the environment. I actively watch the sports games, check email when I’m a required presence at a musical theatre practice (waiting room is not near the studio), idle in the car taking calls during piano lessons, chat with other parents during gymnastics, a mix at sports practices- some are dropoff, some I chitchat with friends, and some I sit and work.
Anon says
How do you balance your kids/partner needs vs your own? A lot of what is good for kids can be so hard! What I mean are things like leaning out of your job so that you have more time for kids/partner, letting them do a lot of activities despite time/expense, staying at home on weekends because it is peaceful instead of taking kids to fun places, letting them have friends over constantly or sleepovers even though they are loud/can get annoying, things like gym day care so you can work out or aftercare. It’s such a constant balance and often it feels like parents sanity is inversely correlated with kids happiness
Cb says
I figure happy parents, happy kid? If the parents aren’t rested and content, how could the kids be content, no matter how am any activities they get to do, how many sleepovers they have? I love my kid to death but I’m not going to martyr myself in the name of parenthood?
We send our son to school well rested and (mostly) clean, our house is safe and calm, we eat nourishing food, read together, listen to him, cuddle, get plenty of exercise, and say I love you frequently.
This is not to say I don’t fret about how the other kids seem to be better readers, or whether his snacks are ultra processed, etc.but I feel like none of that is going to make a measurable difference in his ultimate outcomes?
Anon says
Incorporate them into your own hobbies instead of having all activities be kid-centric. Kids can come along on hikes, bike rides, beach walks, etc. and have a fantastic time.
Anon says
I only have one kid who is still relatively young (almost 6) and a not very intense job, but I don’t feel like kid happiness is inversely correlated to my sanity at all. Compared to toddler/early preschool (which was also complicated by Covid) I feel like I have so much more time for myself now, thanks to drop off playdates, activities and parties and a more independent kid who plays well alone or with friends. My kid is also at an age where I genuinely enjoy spending time together, especially if we’re getting out of the house and doing an activity, like going to the library, going to a carnival, going to a museum, etc.
We say yes to requests for play dates and activities, although my kid hasn’t really asked for activities and so far everything she does (dance one hour/week, ninja one hour/week and soon to be Girl Scouts every other week) we originally suggested to her, although of course we didn’t force her to keep going. We have not had sleepovers yet, except with family. I feel like they’re unusual at this age (at least in my area). I mostly exercise during the work day (just walking) but we actually joined a gym so my kid could go to the kids’ clubhouse there, and she likes going to aftercare.
All that said, if you DO feel like this stuff comes at the expense of your sanity, it’s ok to say no to it, especially activities. I did zero organized activities until I was 8 and turned out fine. I think most kids today are overscheduled, and I never dreamed we would be doing three activities per week at age 5, but my kid and I are both managing it well, so it’s fine for now.
Anonymous says
Staying at home on weekends is not more peaceful in our big family! 3 kids + 2 adults + 2 dogs go stir crazy quickly.
Mine are old enough that DH and I divide and conquor. For us, our kids are starting to share some of our interests so one of us can dabble in a hobby and bring a kid along. In the winter I take one or two skiing, or maybe grab the dogs and a kid for a bike ride or hike. DH will work on his project car with our kid that likes to tinker.
We also have approximately 700 sports and activities on weekends so we divide that up too, with the goal of having the family together to cheer for whomever is playing 2-3x per season.
Softball game is at the field with the good snack stand and playground? Everyone goes! Lacrosse is in the freezing rain? Just one parent and our brave lax player go. Soccer team has girls with siblings that are friends with my other kids? Everyone goes!
Anon says
Yeah, I only have one, but we get out on weekends as much for us as for her. Staying home all weekend does not sound peaceful to me! And I don’t even have sibling drama to deal with.
Anon says
well you should only lean out of your job if you want to…otherwise find other ways to outsource, etc. to make more time for your kid. mine are too young for sleepovers for now but if you don’t want to host playdates, then don’t? or meet in a public place. what is wrong with gym day care? my kid doesn’t mind it that much. i mean yes, sometimes i do things for/with my kid that are not my favorite things to do but i like seeing their enjoyment.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree with what a lot of others are saying – once kids get older, your and their interests can align more. For instance, I enjoy going bike riding and skiing with my older kid, and he is a go go go kind of kid, so he enjoys it too. And for him, doing sports and generally being out of the house is more peaceful than us staying home! I like seeing him get better at sports and learn how to be a team player. But for my younger kid, he enjoys being home a lot more, so we’re not doing any activities that he doesn’t want to.
Do the gym day care and after care. Exercise for you is important and if you enjoy working, don’t feel like you have to lean out just to satisfy the kids (spoiler: kids will complain no matter what you do…)
Anon says
Hard agree on kids will complain no matter what you do. My kid had a unicorn situation this summer with a mix of half day camps and afternoons at grandma’s pool. This was what she chose after we gave her the option for both full time grandma and full time camp. And she STILL complained.
Anon says
We try to balance weekends. Saturdays are usually much busier than Sundays, and having one day where we’re go-go-go with activities and parties and festivals and the one day where we pretty much just stay home works well for our family.
We don’t do much on weeknights, except aftercare, which my kids love because it’s basically a group play date.
Anon2 says
A lot of what you listed as “better” for kids is generally worse – doing more activities, entertaining them with weekend trips, filling time with play dates and sleepovers, etc.
I aim to limit activities to one or two a season, don’t allow sleepovers at all and playdates happen maybe once a month, and let them be bored and putz around the house (thereby developing creativity and resourcefulness) while we hang at home on weekends. (There are exceptions of course — over the long weekend we did lots of fun family stuff — but this is how we structure 80% of life.)
Kids generally need less of everything that our culture has convinced us they need more of. It’s making us all anxious and entitled.
Anon says
I agree about activities, but not sure I’d put play dates and sleepovers in the same category. That’s unstructured time with peers, which is what kids generally need more of. And it’s also not new – a generation ago we had a lot less formal activities, but more play dates (maybe not labeled as such, but informal play with neighbor friends is essentially a play date).
Anon2 says
Fair enough on the playdates (though I do think sleepovers are in a different category and reasonable people can disagree on their pros and cons). But if a family is feeling run ragged, children certainly don’t need “constant” play dates, as OP said. And I value free playtime with siblings as just as important as time with peers (if siblings are in the picture).
My bigger point is that if parents are stressed by so many play dates, they are a nice-to-have, not a critical necessity
anon agrees says
I also don’t see the value in a packed schedule of adult-organized activities for elementary school-age kids. I’m all for trying new things or doing something organized outside of school if the child wants, but that can be once a week and doesn’t have to be every week or even most weeks of the year. It’s good for kids to have time to putter, read for pleasure, and play on their own/with siblings.
Anonymous says
When I put my needs first, within reason of course, everyone in my family is happier. I think this is because I have more patience with my kids and more capacity to be a good partner when my needs are met. But echoing what others have said: I’m an introvert and I schedule lots of weekend activities for my kids. Sitting in a messy house with three bickering kids is way worse for my mental health than packing a bag full of snacks and heading out the door Saturday morning.
Spirograph says
All of this. We do have sports games on weekends, but aside from getting those kids where they need to be, I do what I want to on weekends. Even if that means “I want to for a hike, so you’re all coming with me.” There is grumbling, then they have fun in spite of themselves. And if they don’t, the trees muffle the whining.
Anon says
Like many 90’s babies, my mom had somewhat of an authoritarian style of discipline. Spanking, lots of “do this or else”, “I’m going to count to 3 and if you’re not X you’re in big trouble!”. We have a close relationship now, but a lot of my childhood memories involve her yelling at me or us arguing. She’s very affectionate and gentle with her grand kids and nothing like I described above, and she babysits them a lot. We were watching my toddler niece together last weekend, and my niece was doing typical toddler stuff, which included hiding in a room and refusing to come out when it’s time to leave. I heard my mom say (not yell) “you better come out here or else…I’m going to count to 3 and if you don’t come out I’m going to be mad at you”. This triggered me and I can’t stop thinking about it. It really bothered me. I don’t want her to talk to my kid like that, even if it’s gentle. Would you intervene and what would you say? Am I being over sensitive? I don’t have a toddler yet so maybe I’m less familiar with how to direct them. Thanks.
Anon says
Others will probably disagree, but yes I think you’re being oversensitive. I wouldn’t love the “or else I’m going to be mad at you,” part, but also don’t think it’s a big deal, particularly if she wasn’t yelling.
And as discussed on the thread the other day about grandparent care, I think it’s tricky to enforce rules about how your grandparents will parent your kids if you want to rely on them for baby-sitting. Carseat and sleep safety, absolutely put your foot down. But discipline is a gray area and generally unless they’re doing something way over the line like spanking or extended yelling, I think it’s going to cause problems to try to police them. We have the oppos!te problem – my mom is way more permissive than me – and sometimes it does annoy me, but it’s her house, her rules and that’s kind of how it has to be for non-safety stuff if you want free grandparent care.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, this. The “I’m going to be mad at you” part is not ideal, but also not the hill I would die on. My parents often say things to my kids like, why are you crying, you don’t need to cry about this, etc., which is not how we’re raising our kids (all emotions are good! I welcome crying!) But, I know it stems from how they were raised (and how I remember my own emotional wellbeing was approached), and I think that my kids will be more influenced by our own parenting than grandparents. When they’re older, I expect to have more conversations with them about grandma and grandpa’s words.
Anon says
yea i kind of agree with this. though it actually would bother me too and i’d probably say something, but i agree that it is hard to police. it’s kind of like emotional manipulation on some level, like ‘do what i say or i wont like you’? part of it could be that your mom doesn’t have the knowledge of how to do it differently, and again this is a know your audience thing, but my parents are generally open to reading articles, podcasts, etc. (in fact, half the time they are sending them to me!)
Anonymous says
Agree with that, I don’t love it but as we’ve discussed on here previously sometimes tehre isn’t time for long gentle conversations. If it makes you feel better, my BFF’s mom says stuff like “if you don’t want to do this ride you have to say to me ‘i’m a weenie'” and awful stuff like that. She doesn’t feel like she can stop her mom because she depends on her a lot for childcare.
Anon says
i would be so uncomfortable with that and i’d honestly stop depending on her for childcare. i think that is sooo mean and would break the heart of my twin who is less of a daredevil than her sister.
Anon says
Yeah, I have a very sensitive kid and we do a fair amount of “this isn’t really a big deal” and “you don’t need to cry about this” which might sound mean but is really the easiest way to get her mind off of trivial harms. If we lean into her big feelings, she’ll go on a huge spiral and I’m not convinced that’s healthy for her (we’re talking very trivial things here like falling down or having the wrong color shirt). But we’re never mad when she doesn’t want to do something and I would never call her a weenie, let alone make her repeat it!
Anon says
Ack – I think it’s even worse if she’s regular childcare. I don’t think one off, not perfect but not objectively awful statements are inherently harmful to kids. The most important messaging they receive is from their day to day caregivers. If the weenie GM is a daily or regular presence, I *would* have the hard conversation, as that’s going to be the internal dialogue for that kid for a long time. Yipe!
Anon says
Gently, yes, you’re being overly sensitive. You are going to have to tell toddlers “no”, or “this is what has to be done” sometimes – it would be extremely odd if the kid didn’t require that occasionally. What you’re describing sounds about as mild as you could possibly do that.
(Have to admit, I guess I’m old, because as an 80s kid, all I can remember from the 90s was people scoffing about overly permissive parents of the day, who just wanted to be kids’ friends.)
Anonymous says
You are being over sensitive, but only bc she’s a grandparent and not a primary caregiver.
My mom was (is) like this. My kids don’t see her for long enough for me to do much about it. My kids are 5-10 and already see her for what she is in terms of her personality, which I really appreciate.
Anonymous says
Spanking would be a hard boundary for me but everything else I think you can manage as it comes up.
Anon says
Same
Anonymous says
I disagree with the other comments. I do not think you’re being objectively over-sensitive. The phrasing “or I’m going to be mad at you” strikes me as manipulative. Also, what does “or else” mean? There’s just no need to speak to children in that way.
anonM says
Since you still have a baby, maybe you can include her in some discussions you and your partner (assuming that’s your situation) have about what you’ve read on modern parenting styles. My mom is really involved and babysits a day a week. I try to stay out of it if she does put them in time out or something. You also have to model in front of her how you want things handled. TBH I didn’t want to have to do/thought I’d never do time outs, but one of my kids does better with time outs (needs the time to calm his body) and the other never needs them, scolding is more than enough to correct behavior. It is hard with some generational things though. My MIL is great with my kids, but with another niece that she does much more caregiving for gave her a time out pretty much just for crying. It made me cringe. If it was my kid, I would have stepped in for that. Food is another hard one, people love telling kids “one more bite.” Is it ideal? No. Do I correct every time any caregiver does something less than ideal? no. Counting to 3? I do that, so def wouldn’t step in. You can’t expect them to be perfect caregivers. I’m not, and def wouldn’t want to re-watch my worst parenting moments.
anonymous says
I’m with the general consensus of other commenters, and wanted to encourage you to think about which aspects of what your mom said strike you as problematic and which aspects seem OK. For me, I’d not like “I’m going to be mad at you,” which I don’t think is something you want to frame to a kid as a consequence you’re imposing (instead of feelings that you have without a punishment imperative), but probably would be OK with the rest of it. I think once you’re clear on what about that interaction bothered you, you can better decide if you want to take any of it up with my mom.
For whatever this is worth, I might raise the issue I cited above with my mom, but there’s a good chance I’d frame it in terms of effectiveness–my experience with my kids is that it works better if whatever happens after I count to three is a natural consequence or logically related to whatever they’re doing, so in your scenario I’d probably say that after I counted to three, if they weren’t on their way out of the room, I’d carry them out. That said, if grandparent care and time was more of an occasional thing than a daily, daycare replacement thing, I’d assess in context, of course, but probably let it go if she didn’t adjust. It’s OK if not everyone who interacts with, or even cares for, a kid does so in a fully emotionally optimized way every time.
H13 says
Can anyone share experiences with young night owl kids? My 6yo often can’t fall asleep until 10pm. On a really good night it is 9:30pm. We wake him every morning at 7am at the latest (bus comes at 8am) and he doesn’t seem tired or cranky during the day. (I wouldn’t say he is brimming with energy, though.) We start bedtime at about 8pm and try to be out of rooms at 8:30ish. He will ask us to come up multiple times which we are trying to nix. The later we let him sleep, the later he will stay up.
A part of me thinks this is just his body clock. The hard part is that DH and I get almost no down time and our bedtimes are getting pushed later than we’d like. I am a morning exerciser and not getting enough sleep. I am hesitant to do melatonin if this really is just his natural rhythm.
Any advice? Or anyone on the other side of this who can tell me it really will be ok?
Anonymous says
I’d “sleep” train. You don’t have to be asleep but after we put you to bed you stay in your room.
Anonymous says
Can he read yet? I solved this by telling my kid that she could stay up reading as long as she liked. Win-win; either she went to bed or if she was going to be up anyway, at least she was reading! A different kid of mine doesn’t like to read and was more of a challenge so YMMV.
We also instituted a “no screens after dinner” for my younger two and it has really helped. We finish dinner around 6:15.
FWIW my kids get home at 3pm and have to be on the bus @ 7:20 so they are up at 6:30. Kindergartener has been going to bed at 7:15/7:30, 2nd grader around 8 and my 4th grader who is almost 10 goes to bed around 9. She’s allowed to watch one episode of Once with me from 8-8:45 and then washes up and goes to bed. It doesn’t seem to keep her up and it’s our bonding time since she has sports til 7:30 most days.
anon says
Coming here to say this. My kids are also 6. We have a time that everyone has to go in their bed with a book and a suggested “lights out” time, but if you want to keep reading until you’re tired that’s fine, you just can’t bug your parents who also need a break.
Anon says
We had great success with telling kid “you can go to bed whenever you want, but if you want us to tuck you in you have to be in bed by 8 pm.” It gave us a hard stop after which we were off duty. For a 6 year old, I think there’s a good chance this will motivate them to an earlier bedtime, but even if it doesn’t, at least it’s not impacting your sleep.
Fwiw, I’m not sure this is about being a night owl so much as a behavioral issue. We had a year or so around a similar age where my DD was fighting bedtime and often not asleep until 10 pm, and then we implemented this rule about we’re off duty at 8 pm and now she goes to sleep at 8 pm almost every day. For my kid it was clearly a control thing and being given a choice about when she went to bed solved the problem. Also not having a bedtime made staying up late less thrilling, I think. Sort of reverse pyschology I guess?
I also think it’s fine to try melatonin after discussing with ped.
EP-er says
My oldest has always been an early riser, like me. My youngest, a night owl like dad. We have stopped fighting it and just enforce “9 PM is bed time; you can read quietly as long as you like.” This meant that when I was going to bed at 10:30 last night, the little reader was still up! “But there’s only two more pages in my chapter…” But 7 AM comes at the same time every day…I figure it will self regulate.
Anon2 says
I’d push bedtime back. For both my night owl and myself, if we shut our lights off too early we end up tossing and turning and falling asleep much later than if we had just stayed up longer. With my kid if we turn lights off before 9 he will lay there until 10:30 or later. If we turn our lights around 9:15 he’ll fall quickly to sleep. Allowing him to read on his own might be a good option.
And, hate to say it, but as my kids are getting older I’m trying to let go of the idea that “down time” happens alone after they are in bed. It ends up making me feel extra frustrated with them and bedtime. Somehow, we (I’m speaking for myself here, too!) have to get to a point where kid(s) can be doing something on his own while me/husband do something different. I agree 6 is probably a little young, but not for much longer if he’s low sleep needs.
H13 says
Thank you for all the input and advice. I’ve moved more and more toward acceptance and I think being firm on a time when we are off duty is a great next step. And I definitely need to get more comfortable with the idea downtime isn’t always after bed these days. The good news is that it is more readily available at other times of day now!
Anonymous says
I have a night owl kid. She has a late bedtime preceded by quiet independent reading time in bed, which gives us some evening downtime. It is futile to fight their natural body clocks. They will actually sleep more if you don’t put them to bed too early.
Anon says
Agree with this. Even at around 3-4 the “just make bedtime earlier” advice didn’t work for us.
TheElms says
Anyone want to suggest some “office sweaters” to keep at my desk? Any neutral color would likely work. I’d like something that is cozy but still looks presentable. Office is officially smart casual but we still have plenty of folks in full suits and a just a step below that in the office everyday.
Anonymous says
I like the J Crew Factory sweater blazers for this. They have some that are longer (I think the Chelsea) that are less blazer-like but a step above a cardigan.
Anonymous says
Agree- I have two of the J Crew Sophie sweaters. I think they’re called something else now in the store but they are all over Poshmark. They run big so size down. But they are incredibly comfortable, have pockets, and look like a blazer on zoom.
Anon says
OK this is a ridiculous question but we’re finally going to sell one of our (very old) family cars and my 5 year old is having a very hard time with it. She has shed tears multiple times about this. You would think our family dog died the way she’s carrying on. I suggested taking some pictures with it and hanging them up in her room, which she said she wants to do, but that doesn’t seem to have solved the problem. Any brilliant ideas?
My husband is wrapped around our daughter’s finger and floated the idea that we could just store the car until she’s old enough to drive (we have the space) but it’ll be 30+ years old by then and we likely we have already replaced our second-oldest car so there will be a newer one for her to drive. Plus although the car is not worth that much, we can probably get a couple thousand dollars for it and that’s not nothing. But of course that makes me the Mean Mommy selling the car so all her upset about this is directed at me, which is not fun.
GCA says
I feel like maybe there’s something else going on here. What is her reason for having a hard time letting go of the family car? (Chances are it’s not the car per se, it’s something that she’s gotten stuck in her head.)
Anon says
I figured someone would say that, but I think it’s really about the car…she gets very, very attached to things. My mom and husband are the same way so she comes by it honestly ;) Her behavior is totally fine/normal except when we’re discussing the car. Maybe we should just not discuss it in front of her and sell the car without her knowledge but that seems like 1980s-style parenting and I want her to feel free to have her feelings, irrational though they may seem to me.
GCA says
Heh. I like the floor mat idea and the photos, in that case! We moved and had to get rid of a lot of things, and we had the kids say thank you and goodbye to the things. I have a picture of my 5yo hugging a rolled-up playmat to bid farewell.
Anonymous says
The fact that she is free to have her feelings doesn’t mean you have to protect her from them by keeping a car when it makes no rational sense. Sell the car, let her be sad, and let it be a growth experience.
Anonymous says
This was me at age 8. My parents let me keep the floor mats 😂. Don’t store the car but do be prepared you may have a higher anxiety child overall.
Anon says
She asked to keep the steering wheel and we were like “uhhh…”. Floor mats seems like a better compromise! She is highly sensitive and very anxious for sure. No great surprise there, I was the same way.
anonM says
This made me LOL. Your parents were very clever to think of that solution tbh!
Anon says
Offer to take a picture of her with the car. Don’t store it. We use the “take a picture” approach for family items or art we enjoyed, but don’t need anymore.
NYCer says
+1 to taking a picture!
Anon says
I was like this as a kid. I would go out to the curb and remove things from the trash can, sobbing that I loved and needed them.
Don’t store the car. This is an adult decision. It’s unsettling to a child to think they have so much power over their parents! Explain to her that you understand, it’s sad to let go of things you’ve had and enjoyed for so long, but this is what you and her father have decided is best because the car is too old to be safe and properly functional. Don’t keep rehashing it with her; let her cry, but don’t talk about it endlessly.
She will get over it and you will laugh about it in the future.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Is there something about the car that she thinks she won’t get to have now (e.g. won’t be able to get to an activity)? If she’s able to articulate that, maybe you can reassure that new car will work just as well. And are there cool features about the new car to get her excited? My kids were super excited about our minivan for all the interior perks they got. Def don’t store it. She will forget about it by the time she’s old enough to drive.
EP-er says
We had a similar situation with a hand-me-down couch when my son was about that age. “You’re ruining my life!” We were… not exactly unsympathetic, but at 5 they don’t always get their way and that is a good lesson too. The couch had holes in the fabric!
Mean Mommy guilt is hard and something that you’re going to need to work through. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you are making a decision that is right for the whole family, not just one person. And your husband needs to be on board with the decision in front of her too. All I can say is take the picture and this too shall pass. You aren’t going to scar her for life for getting a new car.
loving things means passing them along when it is time says
I like to focus on the good the item will do when it is passed along. In your case, something like: your family doesn’t have much use for the car, and cars that sit for a long time can develop problems that are expensive and difficult to repair. Instead, the car will go to another person who really needs a car, take good care of it, and use it to do important things. You can even imagine with kiddo who might get the car and what they might do with it, like a ice cream shop worker going to work or a parent taking their child to school and the doctor, etc.
You’re selling the car not because you don’t care about it, but because you want to make sure that it gets a lot of love and use.
Anon says
I like this framing and think it might help her! Thank you! We have been reasonably successful getting her to donate old books and toys by talking about how much the new kids will love them, but for some reason I didn’t think of the same approach here.
AwayEmily says
Yes! We talked a lot about the new family that would get our car when we sold it. My kids still bring it up.
Anon says
ok this literally made me LOL (i’m sorry), but as a kid i did not do well with change and threw a major tantrum after i returned from sleep away camp and saw that my parents had renovated their room. i think the pictures are a good idea, can she keep the license plate? and then i think you need to just let her carry on. and get DH back on your side so it is not just directed at you.
anon says
ha! I was that kid when my parents sold our first car (to be fair, it was a beautiful red jaguar). I remember wrapping myself in the seat belt when my father was handing the car over to the new owner (why did he take me there??? why????)
I got over it, although it is now my life ambition to have a jaguar again some day!
Anon says
We had something similar happen when selling a camper a couple of months ago. DH and I learned the hard way we are not camper maintenance type of people.
I told my daughter we were done using it and that we were selling it to someone who could use it more.
She still brings it up sometimes. But I think once the car is out of sight it’ll be a moot issue.
I think keeping the car would only instill a lot of attachment to “things”.
Anonymous says
I’m dying. My sister did this about my parents 1984 Ford wagon, in 1992. She was about 5!
My parents took a photo and I think my parents let her keep the license plate.
This story gets told so often in my family and my mom has the photo of my sister and the old woody wagon on her desk. It was just an emotional time for her and she clung to the car. Do not under any circumstances keep the car. It’s not really about the car.
Anonymous says
I am tired. I’m tired of working full time, tired of being my own household coordinator, tired of vetting nannies who don’t show up, tired of solo parenting, and tired of generally feeling like I’m failing at adulting. That is all.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m right next to you – see me and Spirograph’s exchange from earlier this AM.
Anonymous says
Agree- I have two of the J Crew Sophie sweaters. I think they’re called something else now in the store but they are all over Poshmark. They run big so size down. But they are incredibly comfortable, have pockets, and look like a blazer on zoom.
Anon says
i’ve had a few friends share pics of their daughters for first day of school wearing white dresses (no uniform or dress code reason). is this some new trend? don’t the kids get filthy?
Anon says
That is crazy to me.
Anonymous says
I have not heard of this trend and would never send a kid to school wearing white. We are lucky to get any first-day photos at all, much less cooperation with any special outfit demands.
Anon says
I learned a trick which is to do them the day before on meet the teacher day when you have plenty of time to get a cute smile.
anonM says
Nooooo….why? Our kids’ preschool uniform is white tops and it is a PITA. No way is a 3 yo boy keeping a white shirt clean on pasta day fml.
GCA says
Those kids, I have decided, must not be like mine. More power to those families if they can get grass stains, mud and school lunch out of white clothes.
Kid 2 went off to K today wearing an outfit she had picked out: a favorite, super soft dress that she outgrew two months ago, athletic shorts peeking out from under the hem, a Pokemon zip sweatshirt with ears, and crocs. We are chaos people; that is the first and last first-day-of-K photo we will have in this house. (Kid 1’s first day of K was virtual…)
Anonymous says
How old are they? My 9 year old has a white dress she wears to school. It does not get dirty.
My kindergartener? LOL no. Patterns only.