This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Mango has a bunch of cute stuff right now, and a lot of it is machine washable. I like this wrap neckline dress because it has a little bit of an unusual line but still looks really wearable. It’s washable but not tumble dry — I suppose that’s a question for another post, whether or not anyone is trying to tumble dry their dresses. It comes in red, black, and navy in sizes 2–10 and is $80. Wrap Neckline Dress Two plus-size options are at Bloomingdale’s and Nordstrom. Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
avocado says
Happy spring snow day, everyone!
Come on, universe. This is just not cool.
EB0220 says
Yep. Beautiful snow showers this morning at the bus stop, but we toughed it out. Fortunately, we’re warm enough that it’s not sticking.
anne-on says
In a fit of “I just cannot deal with winter anymore” I made a detour to Trader Joes to buy flowers and fresh salad. I could not handle another dinner with roasted veggies.
Anon says
My kids’ birthday was six months ago and we still have not sent out thank notes for the gifts. Is it too late? Do I apologize for the late thank you? One day, I’ll accomplish the impossible and send the thank yous within a week of the party!
Anon says
I’m notorious for this. My vote is better late than never. Sometimes if it is really late, I’ll include some pictures of kiddo playing with the toy and/or a picture or art project from kiddo to try to make up for it.
Anonymous says
Never too late! Also it’s the only way you’ll learn to do thempromptly.
AIMS says
I don’t think it’s too late and I also do pictures to make up for it where I can. But fwiw, I’ve gotten several generic thank you cards for kids bdays, usually some picture of the kid from the party and a preprinted message that says ‘I really enjoyed my presents and cake but the best gift was you coming to celebrate’… this seems easy enough to do if you’re struggling with this sort of thing.
Anonymous says
Ugh I give people zero credit for those.
AIMS says
I think it’s okay with kids too young to write their own. Because otherwise it’s one more thing for mom (usually) to do. I don’t have the kind of parties where this would be reasonable (we’ve only done small birthdays so far) but it seems in keeping with unsigned holiday cards, etc.
I did get one of these for a wedding recently and thought that was a little tacky and impersonal. But I think this is where we are headed as a society, for better or worse, just more of form over substance.
avocado says
With really little kids you can also do the fill-in-the-blank cards. By kindergarten they should be able to write their own or dictate them to a parent using the basic formula (Dear Friend, Thank you for the [gift]. [Why I like it.] Thank you for coming to my party. Your friend, Kid).
mumumum says
+1 My 1 year old is not writing the thank you cards; I, the full-time working mom of the 1 year old, is writing the thank you cards, probably while laundry is growing mildew in the washing machine and dinner is smoking in the oven.
Redux says
What is this credit you speak of?
mumumum says
Right? Are people giving out cash and prizes for sending out thank you notes?
Anonymous says
I give you minus 10 points for unnecessary meanness.
KateMiddletown says
Haha I’m okay with not getting “credit” for sending TY notes.
AwayEmily says
Definitely better late than never! I sometimes scrawl on the envelope “sorry this is so late!” before I stick in in the mail.
Anonymous says
Super impressed that you do them at all. Maybe my friends, family and I are rude but I’ve never given or received a thank you note for a child’s birthday. Thank you email or heartfelt verbal thank you is the usual route.
KateMiddletown says
TY note life hack – our friend recently sent a text message video of her kid holding up the present she just opened and saying “thanks, Kate, for the mermaid doll” or whatever. Quick and easy for her, didn’t require stamps, and for me, the gift giver, it was fun to get to see the kid.
lsw says
I just got the same from my cousin’s toddler and it was way better than a thank you card in the mail!
Rainbow Hair says
ah I’m glad to hear that people like this! I do it because I think it’s fun, and because having my kid thank the person using her words seems more meaningful as a “learning to say thank you” thing than my writing a note would be… and because it’s easier (:
Boston Legal Eagle says
Piggybacking a little from yesterday’s question on sleep – for those of you with 2+ kids in relatively small houses/apartments, what do you do or plan to do for sleep areas for baby and toddler? We’re in a 2-bed apt. at the moment and will likely stay this way for a bit, including by the time our second is born. I’m totally fine with them sharing a room when they can both sleep well enough through the night, but what do we do about sleep training while the baby is still young?
We’re planning to have the second in our room at the beginning, but then want to keep our sleep areas separate to get some sleep training in (subject to baby’s temperament of course!) Is it crazy for us to sleep in the living room while the baby takes our room (or vice versa, but the living room is a little cold)? Our toddler is a pretty good sleeper, but I don’t know if he can handle multiple cries at night, if they’re in the same room.
AIMS, I think you might be in the same boat right now, with 2 kids in an apt. – would love to hear your thoughts and from anyone else in the same situation.
Anonymous says
Yes it’s crazy to give the baby Your room. Sleep training in an apartment just may not work!
Batgirl says
I know lots of NYC families that give their kids their room while they’re dealing with sleep training, etc. Not fun, but it’s not crazy either.
Anonymous says
This. Give up your room while you get the sleep training done. Once baby is trained, move baby in with toddler. We didn’t sleep train the second baby because toddler was so upset when baby cried that is was really awful.
Anon in NYC says
Agreed. As a practical matter, I think this is what you should do once you decide you’re ready to sleep train. Once #2 is sleeping, you can transition #2 into #1’s room.
Anonymous says
We slept in the living room for at least 4 months on our pullout couch when we were living in a 1 bedroom with an infant. We got better sleep that way, which definitely preserved my sanity, so not crazy at all IMO. You do what you have to do. I slept much better not being in the same space as my son; I’m not sure it mattered for him. (We weren’t sleep training per se; just trying to live through the 4 month sleep regression).
Pogo says
Yup, I have friends who have done this.
Anonynous says
I think having a sleeper sofa available in a two bedroom apartment is really helpful no matter what. Sleep training can take as few as three nights. Having a place for an adult to sleep when the kids are sick and need snuggling to get through the night, or just when mom or dad has an early meeting and wants to not wake up the other adult.
As for upset toddler, consider sending the toddler on an overnight trip to grandma’s during the earliest days of sleep training.
AIMS says
Hi! You are right – we’re in the same boat and we were in a 1 bedroom when we had our first. Right now we have baby in our bedroom and toddler in her own room and the plan is to move baby in with toddler sometime after 6 months, depending on when he seems up for it. As far as sleep training, we never really did it too much beyond just having a routine in place and sticking to it. When we were in the one bedroom, our doctor suggested we could do it while sharing the bedroom by just putting up a curtain; she said this would be a good option if you sleep train early before the kid knows you are there. But we didn’t really do cry it out beyond a few nights and I’m not sure that I will do it with the new baby. No judgment, just hasn’t felt necessary and we’ve been lucky that both kids seem to be easy sleepers. Obviously everything can change and a lot of this depends on your own tolerance – my kids don’t bother me when they sleep with us and in some ways it’s easier for me in case of night wake ups, etc.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my toddler has become a very sound sleeper and the baby crying doesn’t seem to wake her up. I read something about many kids being really deep sleepers around this age, maybe out of necessity? So as far as night wake ups, I don’t think the room sharing will be a big deal. If you want to sleep train and that means letting baby cry it out, I’d say sleeping on the couch for a few days doesn’t seem unreasonable. Or maybe letting the oldest sleep in your room for a bit, assuming that won’t disturb their routine, so baby can form the associations with where they’ll be sleeping.
AwayEmily says
One thing to consider is that full extinction CIO tends to be a bit faster than the more gradual methods, so if you do the “give the baby your room and you sleep on the couch” approach, doing full extinction might minimize the time you spend sleeping in the living room.
If you don’t already, I would also start using a white noise machine for the toddler and the baby. We have both a Dohm and a Lectrofan. The Dohm produces a nicer sound (to my mind) but the Lectrofan is a lot better at masking loud/shrill noises like a baby crying.
We currently have a toddler and a baby and our plan for sleep training the baby is to have white noise machines on in both his room and the toddler’s room, and also to put a box fan outside the toddler’s door for extra soundproofing.
Good luck!
Anon says
I’d maybe take this as it comes. Not every baby requires sleep training. When the time comes, you’ll know what feels right for your family. I think you’re needlessly worrying right now.
AnonMom says
So ours STTN from 7 weeks (STTN 6-7 hours then and quickly us to 10+ hours by 10-12 weeks) and never regressed. We never had to sleep train. We generally followed the Babywise method. And I breastfed/pumped through 12 months. And I’ve told others to follow the Babywise method in whispers and we’ve all gotten the same results. I know every baby is different and you have to adapt, but I’d totally challenge the all-too-common assumption that sleep training is inevitable.
Artemis says
You may very well be able to sleep train the baby in the same room as the toddler, and you should at least try it. Don’t give up your room!
Remember your older kid is not hard-wired like you to wake up to baby’s cries. My kids, at varying ages, and in various room-sharing or room-next-door arrangements, have slept through each other’s crying, nursing, sleep talking, barfing, etc.
If anything, put your baby in he living room corner for awhile, or if big enough, stick the pack and play in a closet or bathroom.
Pogo says
lol @ “barfing etc”
Anonymous says
This is why I <3 you guys. Thanks for the laugh!
Batgirl says
We are having Baby #2 in June. Our toddler will be 25 months when Baby 2 is born. Toddler is moving into his own room in the next few weeks, and we plan to take his crib with him since he hasn’t tried to escape and we don’t want to mess with a good thing. Our crib converts into a toddler bed, but we also bought a full size bed for when he moves into the new room (stored in the basement for now).
My question is: do we buy a second crib so that Toddler can stay in the crib/toddler bed for as long as he wants or do we move him into the full size bed so that Baby 2 can have the crib? I expect Baby 2 will be sleeping in a bassinet/co-sleeper crib in our room for at least four months — so Toddler will be about 29 months by the time Baby 2 needs the crib.
Thanks in advance — this feels unnecessarily complicated!
Anonymous says
Keep Toddler in crib. You don’t need it right away and Toddler is sleeping well.
I bought an inexpensive Ikea crib/mattress for second baby so that my toddler could stay in her crib until she asked for a ‘big bed’. I was super worried about toddler getting up and wandering around plus toddler was a great sleeper and I was scared of messing with her sleep environment at all. Only moved to a full size bed at age 4.
Rainbow Hair says
I was wondering if I was the only one with a kid this old still in a crib. Over three, doesn’t seem to care about sleeping in her ‘big girl bed’ (which sits in her room because it was a hand-me-down)… and I’m fine with her being contained.
Anonymous says
I think it’s only complicated because you’re trying to solve it way too sooon unnecessarily. When baby is ready to move into a crib, which sounds like you’re estimating will be in October, decide then if toddler is ready for a bed or not.
avocado says
This. Wait until baby needs the crib and then evaluate the situation.
We put our kid in a twin-sized bed at 27 months because she was climbing out of the crib and literally tore her way out of the crib tent we bought to contain her. She had zero issues staying in the big bed. I think the weight of the comforter helped keep her asleep.
AIMS says
We’re keeping our 25 month old in the crib for now and baby in a mini crib in our room. Our plan is to keep baby with us for at least 6 months but to slowly transition toddler to her own big bed (so regular twin) when kids start to share room. So I think we are going to put new bed in her room soon and slowly let her see if she wants to sleep in it. I figure over the course of a few months she’ll get there and if not, we’ll just buy an ikea crib for the baby so they can each have a crib. I agree that forcing her to give up crib too soon hold cause issues given how much change there is already so trying to frame this as a perk/privilege, not another ‘give this to your brother!’
Related note: Is there some benefit to toddler beds beyond space constraints that I am missing?
OP says
I think the only benefit to the toddler bed vs the full size bed is that it seems like it’ll be an easier transition to go from the crib to the toddler bed than from the crib straight to a full size bed. That’s what we’re thinking anyway.
I agree with what you and others have said though — this is really tomorrow’s problem. We can sort it out when we get closer to fall. It’s just been at the top of my mind since we’re moving rooms right now and moving the crib, etc.
My fear, I guess, has been that the baby will be born and our toddler will suddenly start jumping out of his bed and then we’ll have to figure it all out/transition him at the worst possible time. But I guess there is no way of knowing!
AIMS says
You can always set up the bed in your toddler’s room now. It might still be helpful in the event he is sick and one of you needs to sleep there or if one parent needs some quiet when baby is up or even to help toddler with the transition. It might be easier to move him in a pinch if he’s used to it being thee already.
OP says
Well, we don’t have room for both the full size bed and the crib/toddler bed. But we had thought of that and maybe we should see if we can make it work.
Pogo says
“we’ll just buy an ikea crib for the baby so they can each have a crib” This. remember this is always an option.
Anon says
I’ll be the outlier – I don’t understand why people keep their kids in cribs. Mine both climbed out before 18 months so maybe I am missing the wonderful benefits or something. We put them in twin beds at 18 months and they were fine. We used a side rail at first, but they both were done with the side rail within a few months. We do keep a gate on their door so they can’t escape the room, but that’s because we have a ranch house and it’s hard to separate their bedroom from the front door without gating the room itself.
Anonymous says
Because my twins are sleeping great in their cribs at age 3 and haven’t tried to climb out. I’m always confused why anyone would change a sleep environment that’s working. Plus one of the twins can undo the deadbolt on the front door so I would have to add a baby gate to their room and remove the rocking chair so he couldn’t climb over the gate. Hasn’t climbed out of crib but has figured out moving chairs to climb over stuff. So in addition to the baby gate, I’d probably need to add a deadbolt at the top of the door. Crib seems way easier than all that.
AIMS says
This. I always thought I’d move my daughter around 2 but she never tried to climb out and seems happy so I’m reluctant to disturb it.
For your crafty twin, a friend put a latch at the top of her son’s door that lets door be open about an inch but no more. Kid can’t reach it or open it and it keeps him in without having to do much. Sometimes low tech solutions work best.
OP says
I think my preference for the crib is that right now, our toddler is a GREAT sleeper and I don’t want to mess with a good thing. He hasn’t tried to escape at all, but he does get a little crazy sometimes when we put him down for bed. Currently, he’ll just bounce in the crib and then go to bed on his own within 10 min or so, but if he could get out of the bed, I think he’d be running up and down the halls. But I can see pros and cons of both, depending on the kid.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our son hasn’t tried to climb out yet either, so we’re planning to keep him in there until he does! Batgirl, I had the same thoughts as you about what to do for the second crib, going along with my sleep question above. Originally, we thought of just getting a second smaller IKEA-type crib for the baby when he/she is ready to move out of the pack n play and keeping toddler in his crib, but now we might just wait to buy that and see where they both are after a few months.
Rainbow Hair says
If Kiddo was climbing out, I’d absolutely move her. But as it is, she stays in bed all night because she has to, she hollers when she needs to get up, and she doesn’t go rifling through things in the house at night. No complaints from me!
Anonymous says
I am due with #2 in June. #1 will be 3 years old. We have only had one escape attempt from the crib which was solved by putting the mattress effectively on the floor (removing the bottom of the crib). I am on team #cribforever. I will keep #1 in a crib as long as possible, even if that means having to buy a second crib (in our case, both sets of grandparents have cribs, so we would probably just borrow one for the short term). My toddler is also a good sleeper once she goes to sleep (frequent bedtime battles).
I come from the viewpoint of I don’t understand why people take kids out of cribs earlier than necessary. Bedtime with a 2.5 year old can be enough of a battle without giving them the freedom to roam around their room or more.
avocado says
Re. why people take kids out of cribs earlier than necessary:
We did move our kid to a big bed early out of necessity, but we had planned to move her early anyway. We found that teaching new skills and making transitions as early as possible worked better for her than waiting. Whenever we did something as soon as the kid showed signs of developmental readiness, it was a smooth and easy transition without any resistance; whenever we waited a little later, there were battles. I don’t know if all kids are that way, but ours was and still is at age 11.
October says
We were in exact same situation – son was 25 months when baby was born and still sleeping in a crib. It seemed to work itself out: he started climbing out three months later so we moved him into a twin (but with no box spring, so it’s shorter) and baby is still in a pack n play in our room because we’re still nursing. I’ll move him into a crib soon. I agree with the others to cross that bridge when you come to it and do whatever makes most sense at that point.
Jen says
I am living this at this very moment. Like, am currently watching 20 month old go down for a nap on her Big Bed for the first time ever on the baby monitor as I type (thanks, YET ANOTHER SNOW DAY OH MY GOD IS IT SUMMER?!)
I’m due in June, and my second will be 23.5 months. My oldest is almost 5. We have plenty of bedrooms, but for various reasons, we are moving the older two into the biggest bedroom. Both are getting twin beds eventually (5 y/o is in a full, toddler is in her crib). Plan was to put a twin bed and the crib in the New Shared Room and then just buy a crib for newborn if/as needed. Except…the new twin beds came yesterday and toddler is obsessed. So we said hey, what the heck, let’s throw it on the floor in her room and see how it goes. She spent the first 10 minutes of naptime arraging all her stuffed animals on the new bed, and I heard her say “OK NIGHT NIGHT.” and she is now sound asleep. Sometimes my kids just…pull through for me!
I have to say too that my oldest was out of her crib at 18/19 months– one day she went from happy napper and super easy to put to sleep to OH MY GOD THIS CRIB IS MADE OF NEEDLES AND DEATH GET ME OUT whenever we put her in it. So we put her crib mattress on the floor- no help. Turns out she wanted something softer, so happily went to bed on a pile of couch cushions for 3 weeks until her mattress came. I was plannign for my toddler to stay in her crib until…forever…because she sleeps so well in it. But a week or so ago she started waking up screaming her face off in the middle of the night demanding to sleep in Mommy’s bed. Mommy had none of this and has gotten no sleep for the past week trying to do cry-it-out with the world’s most stubborn toddler. Except I think this New Bed Thing will work! It’s soft! She’s even calling it “Mommy’s bed.”
So…I don’t have the answer to your question, only: (1) deal with it as it becomes an issue. Things will change between now and then! (2) buying a crib is fast and relatively cheap for the price of a good night’s sleep and (3) kids are amazingly adaptive. I literally cannot believe mine is asleep on a twin bed right now, and not climbing her bookshelf or trying to open her window. I am considering going out to buy a lottery ticket.
Anonymous says
Exact same situation. Baby is now 8 months and perfectly happy sleeping in a pack n play. Just about to turn three year old big sis is still in the crib.
Anon says
Has anyone looked into the phone-watches for kids? Verizon has the Gizmo Pal and I’m thinking about it for my soon-to-be kindergartner in the fall. She’ll be riding the bus (with a transfer, although there will be caretakers who are supposed to stay with the kids) from school to after care, and both of us work more than 30 minutes away. I feel like a phone to call us or a local neighbor in an emergency or if she gets lost would help me feel so much better. But she’s 5. Is this crazy?
Betty says
I have. Will she ever be on her own or will there be an adult to facilitate the transfer/getting into the house, etc? Our district does not allow a kindergartner to get off the bus without an adult present. I thought about it, but decided against it for many reasons. Other than worst case scenarios, which are not likely, it wouldn’t be useful, and even then, would it really be useful? How so? Our kids are safer today than they ever have been before, and I did not want to transfer my anxieties about safety to my kids. I found that the watch would give me a false sense of security and be a pain for my kid.
Betty says
I hope my response doesn’t come across as harsh; it’s not intended that way. A few other thoughts: I would apply the same standard as you will for a cell phone; how will you feel if/when the watch gets lost or broken; is your child old enough to understand when a call is appropriate or inappropriate?
Anon says
It’s not harsh at all. I am totally transferring my anxieties to my kids and using the watch as a false sense of security. I’m used to a locked down, video feed daycare so moving to a much less secure school environment (with MUCH older kids – it’s connected to a junior high – and much more chaos and many fewer but more overworked teachers) is freaking me out. Of course all the school shootings aren’t helping my anxiety. I went to a smaller school but now live in a giant suburb, so I can’t even tell myself “this is what I did at age 5 and it was fine”.
Yes she’s very mature and would understand when to call and not call, so I’m not worried about that. But such a good point about being a pain for her and not really adding much security. Thanks.
Anonymous says
Not necessary. As long as she knows her full name, your name and your number then you can teach her to ask a bus driver for help. Sounds like she will be closely supervised so it’s very unlikely to be a problem.
Meg Murry says
From my experience, I would say no to the smart watch for a kindergartner. I do know families that have the Gizmo Pal, but more for kids in the 7-8 and up range that are allowed a little bit of free ranging within the neighborhood.
My kids were fascinated with my fitbit and I found a really good deal on the Vivofit Jrs (kids activity tracker with built in watch), so I got them for the kids when they were in K and 4th grade. The 4th grader does great with it – wears it almost every day, never loses it, likes being able to see the time and date at the push of a button.
The kindergartner was thoroughly distracted by his, was constantly taking it off and losing it. I was a bit worried we were going to get a note home telling us he couldn’t wear it because it was such a distraction. The final straw was when he “traded” it to a friend at the after school program, who took it to another friend’s house where it got lost for a while. The second family actually found it in the yard, but it was scratched up so the kindergartner didn’t want to wear it anymore. He got a new $5 watch for christmas and loves that more than he did the tracker/smart watch.
I’d say a kindergartener is too young to be responsible for a piece of tech to wear on their wrist every day, and it’s likely to be a BIGGER source of stress when it gets lost/damaged. And/or, if there was an emergency, would she even think to call you on her phone?
At my kid’s school, they do an excellent job of making sure the youngest kids get to where they need to be – it’s not just “bell rings, free for all, assume kids know what they are doing” like it was when I was little (and wound up on the wrong school bus or waiting for a ride when I was supposed to be on the bus or got on the bus when I was supposed to get a ride more than once). I’d focus more on the after school /aftercare routine – is there something in place if your kid DOESN’T show up at aftercare? Or do they just assume your kid was sick? Ask other parents how this works, preferably someone with a current Kindergartner.
mascot says
I think focusing on the low-tech approach is really important. Teach her your name and number. Make sure she knows the routine and that you know it as well. My son knew our address at an early age, but what was he going to do if lost, mail himself home? Put a card in her backpack with emergency numbers and teach her to find a trusted adult if she needs help.
My kid had a hard enough time keeping up with a regular watch in kindergarten so I agree with Meg Murry about that. Also, same story that kids we know with the Gizmo have gotten it at 7-8 for neighborhood roaming and it hasn’t been fail-safe for that either.
Edna Mazur says
OK, so not the point but I’m dying to know what he traded it for.
Anonynous says
I say go analog — drill phone numbers and address (make up a song?) and have her practice finding adults to ask for help. Practice role playing “Excuse me, I think I’m lost, can I use your phone to call my mom?” and identifying people and places to ask for help from (grown-ups with kids, police officers, fire fighters, people who work in stores (preferably large ones).
Take her over her route (and around and nearby!) Help her look for landmarks she can remember. Practice turning around to see where you’ve gone (something you learn to do on new hiking trails anyway). Wander around the neighborhood near her school and say, hey, how would we get to school from here?
If you still don’t feel safe about it, try attaching the smart watch to the inside pocket of her backpack. Then if she gets lost, you can call HER. Or do a “find my phone” when she loses her backpack.
Analog skills will work even if she loses her phone and will work her whole life!
Betty says
We are beginning the process to have our oldest tested for special services in the emotional/social development area. He is seven, and we were very recently told by his classroom teacher that while he is polite, excelling academically and follows the rules, he does not have any age-appropriate relationships with his peers, does not engage his peers or teacher in back and forth conversation, is hyper-focused on his specialized area of interest at school and will not talk about anything else. A few hours after receiving this information (and no, we did not hear this from his teacher last year), I went and did a bit of reading and felt like so very much about our little boy began to make sense. At home, he is literal, has inappropriate responses to others’ emotions, has emotional outbursts where he uses words but does not seem to understand the emotional impact of those words and he engages in play at the instruction of his little sister. I fully understand that we cannot diagnose him, but in my gut, I know that he is on spectrum. I think I have suspected this for a long time but did not have the full picture until we met with his classroom teacher.
At this point, I want to help him and make sure that he has the supports that he needs. I’ve been questioning some of the behavior for a long time, but I don’t spend a great deal of time around children other than my own, so I did not have a frame of reference.
I’m the one whose daughter’s speech delay was changed to severe last week. I also work full time with a new boss, who is putting me in an awkward spot between her and my coworker. I’m not comfortable disclosing this to my new boss who has told me that I am the “dependable” one in the department. In other words, I feel overwhelmed. I vacillate between thinking that I’ve got this and then wondering if I can shut my door, curl into a ball and cry for a while.
Does anyone have a recommendation for a recent book on parenting children with asperger’s (I know that is all now the spectrum but I believe we are dealing with what 5 years ago would have been called aspergers). I prefer books, and I find the amount of information on the web is overwhelming and much is out of date, but I would appreciate any recommendations on where to start. Thanks.
Anon says
Unfortunately, I don’t have any recommendations for you but I did want to let you know that you sound like an amazing parent! It does sound like you have a ton on your plate right now and I hope you have some support outside of work. Big, big hug.
Meg Murry says
Unfortunately I don’t have any book recs off the top of my head, but have you read Amalah dot com at all? Her oldest is 11 or 12 now and went through a bunch of issues (speech, then diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and then ADHD and now is considered on the spectrum). It’s been really helpful for me to read when we are going through all kinds of (different but not too different) hurdles.
This is the post she wrote when her son was first switched from having a grab bag of issues to being “on the spectrum”: http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2014/02/the-long-and-winding-road.html
Hugs to you. Can you ask if this would qualify him for special ed at your school, and if so if you could get some recommendations on books, etc from the Special Ed teachers? A good Special Ed teacher (or even regular ed teacher that has been doing this a while) is worth their weight in gold, and should be able to make recommendations to you – and may be able to point you toward a parent support group, etc.
NewMomAnon says
So many +1s to the Amalah rec – my kiddo is (probably?) not on the spectrum, but just reading how she approaches her boys’ learning issues with humor and curiosity and frankly, enthusiasm, makes me a better mom.
Also – it’s wonderful that your kiddo’s teacher pointed this out, and it deserves your attention. BUT that does not make it an emergency. You get to decide the order in which you handle these issues, and the amount of time you devote to each. As a sidenote – while I’m sure it’s lovely to be the “dependable one,” maybe if you took off a few weeks for FMLA to focus on kiddo issues, boss and coworker would sort this out without you?
rockin' the Odyssey says
I don’t have any recommendations about autism, but I wanted to give you a big virtual hug. We’re in the evaluation process for ADHD and it is hard. So much about my son now makes sense to me, too. I hope that as you move through the process, you’ll find that getting the right kind of help actually eases the stress and worry that comes with knowing something is a little off, but having zero guidance or direction on how to solve it. My kiddo has learned so much from his counseling sessions in the past month, and if I have any regrets, it’s that we didn’t pursue it earlier. (Unlike your situation, the school wasn’t super helpful in identifying the problem.)
You’re an amazing parent and your kiddo is lucky to have you!
Anonymous says
Big hugs. I don’t have a lot of great resources to suggest. I would start with this book recommended by the AAP and then see if the authors have anything more recent. https://shop.aap.org/Autism-Spectrum-Disorders-What-Every-Parent-Needs-to-Know-Paperback/
The good news is that your child sounds very high functioning with no academic concerns. “he is polite, excelling academically and follows the rules” – that’s great! And with the right interventions and therapies, appropriate social engagement and emotional management can be learned.
Sometimes the worst part of a new issue is the not knowing. Not knowing what it will mean for kid and for you both in the short term and in the long term. Not knowing how your life may change or not change. It all seems really overwhelming right now but it won’t always feel that way. A year from now he’ll have appropriate supports in place and will likely be progressing. The hardest part is at the beginning when you are trying to set up the right supports and therapies to help your kid. One of your biggest challenges may be identify the necessary supports and helpful therapies as many ASD things are focused on younger children who are lower functioning. Hopefully the school will have good recommendations.
My doula’s daughter tested just onto the spectrum at age 6 but she has progressed so well with the supports and therapies that my doula think she would test off the spectrum now (3 years later). They haven’t pushed the issue because they want to keep the supports in place to ensure continued progress.
One of my cousins is high functioning. He graduated high school and is employed and has friends he socializes with. The spectrum is huge – another cousin is 5 years younger but he is low functioning and will need supportive living for his entire life and has been unable to attend school. Being on the ASD spectrum doesn’t necessarily mean a life of dependency and an inability to engage socially – there’s a huge variety of situations.
Lastly, don’t blame yourself for a second. You are a great mom doing the best you can in a challenging situation.
Hope that helps.
Cb says
How far in advance do you buy your kiddos clothes? Do you shop seasonally? I’ve exhausted my supply of hand me downs and baby gifts and am thinking about wardrobe going forward I live in a pretty mild climate so I’ve been picking up things as I see them on sale at gap, h&m, etc.
How do you manage this?
Anonymous says
I shopped about a year ahead up to age 3 but I focused on seasonless basics like onesies and socks. About 3-6 months ahead for everything else and post age 3. Made exceptions for something that was a fantastic deal (Patagonia coat at 70% off). Basically take a chance hoping it will fit for next winter. The problem with shopping too far ahead is that babies have growth spurts so it’s hard to know if they’ll be in size 18 months or 24 months when they are 20 months old.
EB0220 says
Honesty: around the first warm or cold day of the year, I realize my oldest has nothing to wear and buy her some new stuff. We usually buy a supply of neutral pants/shorts and fun tops/dresses at Target and it’s pretty reasonable. That triggers the whole process of turning over the closets and clothes storage, and ultimately results in a bag of donations that are too small for both kids. I’m always surprised by the season change, though, which is silly but there you go. I don’t typically buy too far ahead because I don’t want to store the extra items.
Anon says
Same. We just tried on some shorts that were too big last year for our 3 year old. Some fit, some didn’t and I really have no idea what size he is so we’ll be making a dreaded shopping trip this weekend to figure it out.
anon says
I usually buy stuff close to when we need it and somewhat based on what sales I see. Our kiddo is first percentile small so it’s hard to guess what size she’ll be in what season so I don’t fret about it too far in advance.
Anon says
Same. Seems like everything I bought in advance didn’t fit right when it was seasonally appropriate.
Boston Legal Eagle says
When our son (almost 2) was younger, we’d just buy the seasonal outfits he needed right when he needed them because he kept growing so fast that his size constantly changed and we didn’t want to risk buying too small. Right now, he’s been wearing the same size for months, so we can probably plan ahead a little more. He’s got a few winter coats and hats that have lasted all season and will hopefully last until next winter, but if not, we’ll plan to buy something new then if he needs it. We typically shop at Old Navy, Target, Gap and similar stores so it hasn’t been too pricey, but if you’re looking for good deals on a nicer coat for example, it might be worth buying ahead of time.
AIMS says
I tend to buy ahead when things are on sale. Usually no more than a year out unless something is just an amazing deal (hello super cute $4 holiday sweater dress for age 4). At this point I have a pretty good sense of what sizes my kid will wear but I had some early misses (not much of an issue given that everything was on sale and I could usually find someone to give it away to). The only thing I don’t buy ahead is shoes, unless it’s something really seasonless like sneakers, because I can’t reliably predict shoe sizes for things like sandals or winter boots ahead of time. So far this seems to work: I have a pretty box from ikea of ‘future’ clothes for each kid in the back of a closet. I do also shop throughout the year but this works for big ticket items like jackets and snow pants, small things you’ll always need like hats or socks, or cute seasonal stuff that maybe won’t get worn that much like holiday pajamas or party dresses.
Cb says
That makes sense. We don’t really get a proper summer here so buying light cardigans and trousers when they are a good sale / are cute seems like a smart strategy. I’ve got two US trips coming up so I’ll also do a bit of Old Navy shopping while I’m there.
I currently a drawer of bigger clothes and I organised them by size and wrote down a rough inventory so I don’t end up with too much of any one thing. Weirdly, I had loads of clothes up to 9 months and a decent amount of 12 months but hardly any 9-12.
Edna Mazur says
This is why my mom won’t buy baby clothes as gifts in a size smaller than 18 months :) At first I thought it was a little weird that she was giving these really big outfits at baby showers but as a mom now I totally get it and mostly do the same.
Anon in NYC says
For expensive items, I like to buy a season ahead when the items go on sale. Like right now I’m thinking about buying a winter coat and snow pants for next year. But I realize that there is a risk that she’ll outgrow the items before she has a chance to wear them. I do tend to buy things as needed as we get into a new season (like last week when I realized we had no t shirts or shorts for a planned beach vacation or spring), but I try to wait for sales before purchasing. Gap is going to have a sale every other week, so I rarely feel the need to buy a lot all at once. Also, I’ve found that Hanna Andersson pants / shorts fit my kid the best, so I’ll stock up on the next size up when they have sales.
In terms of the volume of clothes, I try to have about 1.5 weeks worth of clothing for my kid. That fits our laundry schedule (on average 1x a week) plus accounts for preschool clothes and accidents. She’s not that hard on her clothes, so I can imagine that amount varying if your kid is really tough on clothes. I’ll pick up stuff as needed at Target / Old Navy if something gets ruined.
Cb says
That is a good idea but definitely is a gamble. I bought an adorable wool peacoat and it never fit him. Luckily it was purchased in the winter clearance but I was still a bit sad.
rockin' the Odyssey says
I do a combination of buying ahead and seasonal buying. For example, I just bought my kids’ winter coats and snow boots for next year because the deals are fantastic and I can buy much higher-quality items than if I waited. The trick is that my kids are old enough that I have a pretty good idea of how much they’ll grow in a year and what size they’ll need. When I buy ahead, I tend to stick to the brands I know and trust, and who generally fit my kids well.
I love sale-stalking and buying ahead. Makes me feel semi-prepared when the weather turns (quickly) and I haven’t done the full seasonal switch.
In a 4-season climate, I have to buy seasonally, too. I’ve been randomly picking up stuff for both kids for spring as it goes on sale or becomes available. There are certain items I won’t wait on (basics and everyday clothes), and things that I will (swim trunks, because they won’t need them until June).
AwayEmily says
One thing that’s worked for me (and this sounds kind of ridiculous as I type it out, actually) is to buy things in a particular color palette. Maybe this is less of an issue for boys than for girls, but my outfit-putting-together got much faster once I made a conscious decision to only buy clothes in jewel tones, gray, and navy, and avoid all pastels and neons. Now everything matches and it’s a good decision rule when i’m looking through sales at H&M or whatever.
Anon says
Yes! I buy lots of my daughter’s every day clothes from Old Navy. They have seasonally appropriate mix and match stuff, so it is usually all in the same color palette.
Anonymous says
This is brilliant. I am totally stealing this idea. Navy + gray + pastels over here (I don’t love bright colors).
EB0220 says
Yep, similarly I just buy bottoms in gray, black or navy and then the kids get to go to town on the tops.
Anon says
As a benefit, my toddler can pick out her clothes and there is a good chance they’ll match. Otherwise I just let her pick out her shirt and then I pick out the pants.
EB0220 says
Exactly! That’s why I started doing the neutral bottoms thing. There’s really nothing to worry about when picking out clothes because everything pretty much matches! I’m lazy.
NewMomAnon says
When kiddo was a baby, I shopped when I realized we needed clothes. I usually shopped the sales items, which often meant she wore non-seasonally appropriate colors and fabric weights (because sales are usually last “seasons” colors and fabrics). So kiddo often rocked those Valentines day sleepers well into June. Whatever. She was adorable, and the cost per item was a lot lower.
Now that she grows more slowly and tends to wear things for 6 months or more (often much more – we wore the Hanna sundresses all winter with leggings and long-sleeve shirts underneath, and they’ll be turned into tunics this summer), I pay more for to buy higher quality, cute clothes in a consistent color scheme. Err…I buy dresses and tops that are cute. Kiddo will only wear one kind of pants (grey leggings), so we just have a bunch of those.
Anonynous says
I try not to buy too much ahead of time, but I do buy clothes “too big.” So I bought all 3T leggings when my kiddo was 20 months and now at 28 months they fit well. I also just buy cute stuff on sale, like 5T Star Wars shirts or a bunch of 4T long sleeve t-shirts. I’ve also been picking up select winter/outerwear (it’s so expensive, it’s hard NOT to buy it on sale/ebay but I try to stick to things she’s likely to fit into at some point like rain gear which could work in Fall, Winter, Spring or even a bit of summer).
This is tricky, because we’re in a 500 sq ft apt. So I have a bunch of Container Store sweater bags. They are only 3″ tall and fit under our couch (it’s up against the wall). I have 4 of them and could easily fit several more. They have keepsakes and to-be-worns. There’s also a bin in my bedroom closet. Once they are full that’s it! I either have to cull what she’s wearing and move stuff to her room or toss keepsakes.
So: set a physical limit and stick to seasonless (or near enough) items.
SC says
I had hand-me-downs for the first 9 months, which was great. Since then, I’ve bought most of my kid’s clothes at a biannual consignment sale, which is always in the fall and spring and sells for the upcoming season. I spend between $50 and $120 on clothes for the next 6 months. The grandparents supplement with gifts at birthday and Christmas, and we sometimes get a few hand me downs. Occasionally, I’ll supplement at a local consignment store. Very occasionally, I’ll buy something particular, like for holiday card photos or a Halloween costume. I buy tennis shoes as needed, never in advance. I also buy items that are hard to find on consignment (hats, sunglasses, socks, etc.) as needed, basically as they get lost.
shortperson says
i buy ahead as long as it’s enough off, usually 70% or so. most of my daughter’s clothes come from three major purchases at tea collection’s end of season sales, so these purchases are always for the next year’s season. also buy winter coats and bathing suits etc at the end of the season. PJs i am willing to buy way ahead if a cute hanna print goes on sale in limited sizes.
i figure not all things end up getting worn but in general i come out ahead. i.e. i just spent $23 on a sweater cape for next year from tea reduced from $70. will she wear it? i dont know. maybe daughter #2 will. for that price it’s a gamble i’m willing to take. i know you can probably have the same size wardrobe wihtout sale shopping if you stick to places like target and carters that always have lower prices and that dont rely on sales cycles as much. but what can i say, i just really enjoy dressing her in tea and the like.
shortperson says
oh, and fancy dresses. she always needs a couple in every size so this is another thing i buy way ahead. again, mostly tea.
Llama Mama Drama says
I have 3 girls, 2 years apart (1, 3, 5). I buy seasonally for the most part, with the vast majority going to the oldest, some extra cute/special outfits/replacement pieces for the second (and all shoes- she has very different feet than my oldest), and impulse buys for the 3rd (hairbows, matchy-matchy dresses, etc). My 3rd has enough clothes for two children.
I do keep my eyes out for things that I know will need replacing or won’t be handed down for my younger ones on sale, or for next year for my oldest. For example, I just bought a new patagonia winter coat for #1 that will be the right size next winter. I also bought another one that may or may not fit Middle next year, but will def fit her the next year.
hand me downs forever!
Anonymous says
Anyone had their toddler learn words in a weird order? My son lags a little in speech, though not enough for his developmental assessment at 18 months to suggest speech therapy. At that point, he could officially say the 8 words they were looking for. He is about to turn 2 in a few weeks and he can say quite a few more now, but none of them are himself or any of the family! He knows “bubbles” and “banana” and “baby” but not Mama, Dada, or his twin sister’s name, and he literally spends 24 hours a day with his sister. He doesn’t seem to know his own name and doesn’t turn around when we call him, though he responds to other more softly spoken words, so I don’t think it is his hearing. He will repeat words when we ask– If I tell him, “say bye-bye daddy!” he’ll say “bye-bye Daddy” while looking somewhere completely different, and if I ask him where is Daddy or Mama or his sister, he won’t point to us. He knows the boy in the mirror has his name, but I don’t think he is aware that mirror boy is him. He doesn’t seem to know any of the names of his day care classmates or teachers, and he doesn’t say the name of his favorite lovey. His 2-year-old pediatrician appointment is coming up and I’m trying to decide if I really think there is something wrong enough to push for more testing. It just seems so odd for him to learn words for things but none for people.
Anonymous says
I would push for testing – at least the M-CHAT screening questionnaire. The lack of engagement with caregivers does sound concerning. It might not be an issue but don’t be afraid to trust your instincts. With developmental issues, including autism, early intervention can be very helpful.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/Autism/Pages/How-Doctors-Screen-for-Autism.aspx
Anonymous says
Thanks! He doesn’t seem to have any sensory issues and he makes lots of eye contact, so I’m hoping it’s not spectrum-related, but it’s just so odd to not prioritize relationships at this age. I’ll do a heavy push at the doctor.
anon says
I would push for testing based on what you’ve posted here. It may be nothing, but you’ll feel better having explored the options. I have a kiddo with development delays and she wouldn’t be getting the care and therapies she needs if we hadn’t pushed for referrals and testing when she was in that “maybe” category based on the ped’s initial assessments.
NewMomAnon says
I would trust your instinct if something feels off. But also, kiddo was incredibly verbal at 2, but she didn’t have relationship words or proper names yet – she was very concrete. Nouns, especially nouns for food items and toys (ball, truck, book) were the most important at that age. Mama and Dada were applied somewhat indiscriminately. She is just now (at 4) starting to give her dolls proper names that remain consistent, and terms like “brother,” “wife,” “uncle” didn’t seem to register with her until after age 3. In case you wanted an “is this normal?” perspective!
Anonymous says
Would also trust your instincts but keep in mind they learn words in somewhat random order. Ours had “moon” loooong before mommy or milk or other day to day items. He’s just really interested in the moon. Probably had 30 words before mommy/daddy. But did know his name.
KateMiddletown says
Before you “push” for testing, ask the Ped if they think it’s appropriate. They see thousands of kids and have a better understanding of what the typical spectrum is like.
FWIW my daughter’s first words were “no, dog.”
Anonymous says
Inspired by the comment above – anyone raising a kid in a 1 bedroom apartment? I’m a divorced single mom and have my kid 50%. We are in a VHCOL area and not leaving – work, friend and family connections are here, as well as kiddo’s dad. Right now she’s little so this is not an issue at all – she shares a bed with me and plays in the living room. There’s a decent chance I’ll be able to upgrade to a 2 bedroom when she’s close to middle school, but no guarantees. I’m thinking that if that doesn’t work she can have the bedroom and I’ll sleep in the living room? Anyone else in the same boat?
Anonymous says
Not in the same boat but it is definitely doable. Depending on the size of your bedroom, if she wants a space more clearly defined as ‘hers’, you could look at Ikea for either a Kallax unit to divide the space or the Kura bed with a twin bed on top and a nook/play area underneath. My 7 year old would love it if she got to share a room with me.
Anon in NYC says
Not in the same boat, but I’ve heard of 2 parent + 2 kid families in a 1 bedroom. Kids get the bedroom and parents sleep on a pull out couch. It can be done!
Anonymous says
Not in the same boat but it is definitely doable. Depending on the size of your bedroom if you wanted to share it with a twin bed and a double bed, you could look at Ikea for either a Kallax unit to divide the space or the Kura bed with a twin bed on top and a nook/play area underneath. My 7 year old would love it if she got to share a room with me.
Anonymous says
One of my friends is doing this. Her three year old shares her bed. It does make dating impossible and she has no privacy. It’s not what I would choose. Even in MYC where we live, she could move to a less desirable part of our same neighborhood and get a2 bed for what she pays in rent for a luxury one bed.
NewMomAnon says
As a fellow divorced single mom (hi!), I can share my experience – I live a two bedroom with kiddo, but because she doesn’t really like to sleep and I have her at least 5 nights a week, I sleep in her bedroom to minimize my sleep disruption. It’s a surprisingly common experience among single moms with majority night-time custody. I could see it becoming a problem once I have long-term boyfriend who I’m comfortable having over on the nights I also have kiddo, but….I imagine I’ll have at least 3-4 months of runway to prepare for that.
Honestly, the biggest issue I could see is storage; with a tiny kiddo, you’ll want to put things up or out of reach. My second bedroom became almost a second storage area for a while, and I kept it locked so kiddo couldn’t get in. But people find ways to manage that, so I expect you will too!
Anonymous says
Check out the blog “600 square feet and a baby.” 2 parents and 2 kids in a one bedroom in Vancouver.
OP says
Thank you! I LOVE this blog!
Anon says
If you are in a HCOL area, your courts are probably used to seeing this kind of arrangement. However, if you had a divorce attorney, you might want to double check if there is an age the courts expect the kids to have their own space. This will really only come up if dad makes an issue out of it. I was involved with a case where dad had the kids at least 50% of the time but the kids were a teenage girl and a pre-teen boy. He gave the teenage girl the second bedroom, and let the pre-teen boy sleep with him or on the couch, boy’s choice. Mom made a huge stink that he needed a three bedroom. He didn’t think he could afford it. Mom said he wasn’t prioritizing his spending/saving correctly and that he was just being cheap. I think mom was trying to argue that her living situation was better to try to get more parenting time. I ended up out of the case before it concluded but a GAL had been appointed to assess the living situations and determine if dad needed better space to retain custody.
Summer break? says
I have an incredible (ridiculous) amount of vacation time that I need to use, but I find it really hard to feasibly take time off because I have a small team and there isn’t much opportunity to delegate when I’m out. That said, I’ve been dealing with moderate depression during the past six months, and work stress and burnout is a big reason why I’ve gotten to this place mentally. I’ve been thinking about proposing that I take Fridays off during the summer months. I have the time to do it, and having long weekends all summer would give me more time with my kids, a chance to catch up on chores before the real weekend begins, etc. People in my office have gotten creative with vacation time, but people seem more accepting of the explanation that “Joe is taking 2 weeks off” vs. “Sally has Fridays off.” But I’ve found that short, frequent breaks are really valuable for my mental health.
Is it worth the risk to ask my boss whether this is feasible? If she balks, how much do I share about how burned out I feel? She has to know that on some level — for nearly 18 months, I was covering 1.5 jobs. I’ve sacrificed my past two summers to cover for others and work extra, all while exceeding my goals, and I’m just … tired. I want to be a tad bit selfish for a change and put myself, rather than my workplace, first. Obviously, I wouldn’t be that blunt about it, but that’s my state of mind right now.
Anon says
Does your vacation really need to be “approved” like that? I’d just tell her that you plan to take vacation on days a, b, c, d, etc. and don’t think twice about it. At the beginning of summer (and usually heading into the holiday season), I send an email to my boss and our department assistant laying out my time off plan. As long as I’m getting my work done and meeting deadlines, I consider it a courtesy more than a request/question. At my husband’s company, vacation requests literally cannot be denied provided you have the time accrued. They’re more of an FYI, and I take that approach too. I’d just tell your boss what you’re planning to do, keep doing awesome, enjoy your time off, and not look back.
SC says
I also send vacation “requests” as “FYIs.” My assistant just puts her vacation on my calendar.
Anonymous says
Your approach seems much less disruptive to coworkers than taking off for weeks at a time, so I can’t really understand why your boss would balk. Is it possible your depression is coloring your perception of risk here?
Either way, I don’t think you really need to give a why, even if you are asking for permission rather than stating this as an FYI – can you just say “I’d like to use vacation time to take off the following days, let me know if you have any concerns?”
Anonymous says
I can’t advise you on how to handle it at work, having never done it, but two of my friends did this last summer and it was AMAZING. They said it was better than a week long vacation because it lowered their stress for the entire summer.
Summer break? says
That’s what I’m hoping for! I took a week of vacation last summer and it wasn’t nearly as restorative as I expected. It took me until at least Thursday to really unwind and relax. I suspect I was too run down to begin with to fully benefit from the week off.
Llama Mama Drama says
You could mix up fridays and mondays, if Every Single Friday is an issue (maybe it takes away from others that want fridays off too? IDK). But surely throw it out there and if there are Big Important Meetings that are fridays, maybe they can move for the summer.
EB0220 says
I would definitely do it! I did this with the last 10 days or so of my maternity leaves and it was amazing.
anonanon says
Help me stop going down an Amazon rabbit hole. Anyone have a stylus etch a sketch type magnetic drawing thing they like for toddlers?
mascot says
Ideas https://www.fractuslearning.com/2017/05/23/magna-doodle-toys/
We had a traveled aquadoodle and a magnadoodle. Both were fine.
shortperson says
“Aweoods Magnetic Kids Drawing Board Doodle Sketch Writing Board Learning Toys for Children’s Gift”
Grandparent conversations says
Piggybacking off of the question regarding infirm grandparents from earlier this week.
We have the only grandchild of all grandparents, 2 yo. My mother and stepfather live about 20 minutes away, my MIL and FIL live about 2 hours away, and my father also lives about 2 hours away (he’s single). No other local relatives.
My father is physically strong, but we have concerns about his judgment, particularly as relates to driving and/or in emergency situations. We have times where we will visit him with our toddler and he’ll visit us. I’m comfortable with leaving him alone with her for a couple hours while we go out and do errands, or have them go on a walk together, or we’ll drop them off for a half day at the zoo, but I would not be comfortable with an overnight or anything that would involve him driving her. FWIW, he interacts really well with the toddler and they adore each other.
My husband does shift work (sometimes nights and weekends), so when I am periodically out of town (for work usually, a week at a time, or once in a while a weekend with friends), we have asked either my mother and stepfather or MIL and FIL to watch the toddler on the days and nights my husband isn’t available. At their own homes. My mother and stepfather are close enough to continue the daycare routine if they want. We are entirely comfortable with this.
The problem is, my father wants to be part of this rotation and is directly asking whether he can watch our toddler on one of my upcoming work trips. He’s also asking about carseats he should consider buying. He recently had some health issues that compromised his eyesight, so that was a convenient excuse regarding not having him drive our toddler. Now his eyesight is better (he has provided me with medical documentation!) and I need to figure out how to have this conversation with him.
Regardless of his eyesight I just don’t feel comfortable with him driving our toddler, but it’s hard to figure out how/what to tell him. It’s not that he has any physical limitations I can point to or any actual diagnosis, it’s just a matter of my feelings regarding his judgment, honestly. Like I don’t know if there was an emergency whether he would be able to respond well, and also, it would be just him, no backup, vs. the other parents who have someone else around. Also, because we haven’t had my dad watch our toddler on his own for a long period of time, I don’t think he realizes how difficult and tiring it can be to actually care for her while also dealing with all the logistics.
Complicating the situation is that the fact that for my father, knowing the other grandparents/stepgrandparent have had the toddler on extended visits triggers memories of having to deal with custody/visitation issues with me as a kid (my parents divorced when I was quite young).
I would love any tips/ideas. I can’t see any option other than having a conversation that will really, really hurt my father. I’ve told him in the wake of his eyesight issues that I just wasn’t comfortable having him drive the toddler and that I was going to honor that feeling because my toddler’s safety is nonnegotiable to me. Now I think I’m going to have to tell him I don’t see that changing, ever, right?
Anonymous says
I’m not following why you think he is unsafe to drive or not able to call 911 in an emergency and I think that matters for how you give him this message.
Grandparent conversations says
It’s more general judgment concerns. He doesn’t drink during the day but does in the evenings and has on several occasions indicated that he is going to drive when he has had too much to drink, and I have had to insist he not do so. Now, I don’t have reason to believe he would do this with my toddler, but it demonstrates a general lack of judgment that makes me uncomfortable.
With regard to emergencies, it’s not that I don’t think he’s able to call 911, it’s that I don’t trust that he would do so in situations where he needs to. I could see him trying to drive the toddler to the doctor/hospital himself, even if I had told him not to. It is hard to be specific, but I have concerns that if an accident happened on his watch and it was a judgment call as to whether to call 911, he might be hesitant to do so based on being worried that we would blame him for something (I could see him trying to hide things from us).
Infirm grandparents says
I’m the OP from the Infirm grandparents post earlier this week. I mentioned that I had reservations about local FIL’s ability to be a caregiver generally, and this is precisely the sort of thing I am concerned about. Bad judgment relating to driving, complete and utter panic in an emergency, making an unsafe choice so as to hide something from us, etc. Nothing like that has ever happened in context of our kiddos, but just seeing it in his life generally is enough to scare me off. I think you’ve gotten lots of good advice on this thread, but if you want some validation that your concerns are legitimate, here you go!
anne-on says
+1. My parents drink to excess frequently in the evening with or without children present. I have no confidence they’d be able to make good decisions for my child in the event of an emergency however ‘with it’ they may be during the day, hence, no overnights.
mascot says
You obviously get to make whatever safety choices that you want you for your child so feel free to ignore this advice. Would you be open to a trial run overnight, either now or in the future? Gramps stays at your (child-proofed) house while you and husband spend the night at a local hotel. If there is an emergency, he can reach you quickly. I also think you make the rule that if there is a medical emergency, he is not to transport the kid himself- he needs to call 911. Like we wouldn’t leave a babysitter a car/carseat- we’d expect them to call us and call 911. This may give him a low risk way to get to spend extended time with his grandchild while also cluing him in that toddlers are a complete handful.
SC says
Not to threadjack, but that’s interesting that you don’t want a caregiver to transport your child yourself. We always try to leave our babysitter with the car that has a carseat. Of course I’d expect her to call us, but there are plenty of scenarios (non-life-threatening but painful injuries like broken bones or deep cuts) when I’d say, “Meet us at the hospital.”
Anonymous says
I think it’s unreasonable to expect a sitter to be comfortable driving a kid with a broken bone or a deep cut to the hospital! Mine are told to call 911 for injuries.
mascot says
It’s sitter specific for sure. My elderly MIL watches my kid a lot and wouldn’t be comfortable driving him across town to the hospital. She does have carseat and can pick him from his school that is a few miles away. A stressful situation wouldn’t work her though so we have a workaround. I’d rather her call 911 if serious or wait for us to get home if not serious. Same with a high school kid who I don’t know all that well. If this was a regular sitter/nanny/au pair, then yeah, I’d want someone who can drive wherever.
SC says
It makes sense that it’s sitter specific. Our sitters are usually our former nanny and the grandparents. None of the grandparents are frail, and two are physicians (one’s a pediatric physician). I’d trust all of them more than I trust myself.
Also, I’m the worst person to have around in an emergency. I completely panic and can’t seem to do anything helpful. I think I could keep it together for my kid, but that fortunately hasn’t been tested yet.
Anon says
Can you blame it on the challenges of solo parenting? Like, when the two of you have to solo parent, you are completely drained and it’s your OWN kid. So you’re not willing to subject him to that. When he balks, you say “Look I know you love Kid and wouldn’t want to tell us if it was too hard. So we’re not going to put you in that position. We do want to make sure you get lots of time with Kid though, which is why we visit so often and use you as coverage for days when daycare is closed. Speaking of, they’ll be closed for Memorial Day… would you be able to watch Kid so we can run errands/ get work done/ etc?” It wouldn’t hurt to mention that your parents even still take the kid to daycare when they watch Kid, because it’s just so much work.
Grandparent conversations says
That’s a good idea, and actually pretty true. When my MIL watches the toddler, for example, she does it pretty much on her own but FIL can go do grocery shopping, clean up, all the other things that have to be balanced.
Anon says
Do you have an specific reckless driving incidents you can point to? And/or specific judgement incidents you can point to? Similarly, I will never, ever let my child ride in a car with my father behind the wheel. Last summer, he was pulled over because it looked like the driver was intoxicated, but he wasn’t; just distracted. My father hasn’t asked to drive my child but I would specifically point to that and say no.
Keep in mind that it is the safety of your child at stake. Your father will probably be hurt to not be let in the rotation. That’s on him, not you.
Grandparent conversations says
Yes, I do, related to planning to drive when he had been drinking. Never during the day and of course he will say he’d never do this when about to drive the toddler, but to my mind it is a judgment thing.
Thank you for the second paragraph, this is what I try to keep reminding myself but it is tough.
Anonymous says
I like the solo parenting excuse – that is an excellent and plausible point. One other potentially plausible excuse is his how far away he is – 2 hours is way different than 20 minutes. Does he want to come care for your child in your home? If not you could totally say it is too hard to have toddler go to him – she hates car rides, etc. If he is willing to stay at your place, could you compromise and have him come stay at your house and take care of the child during the day (especially on a weekend day when daycare is closed) and then have your Mom take her to her house at night or something?
Anon in NYC says
So, I’m in a similar situation with my dad. He’s mostly physically capable of taking care of an active toddler during the case, but he has health and judgment issues that make me concerned about leaving my kid with him overnight. First, he has hearing issues that make me concerned whether he would hear the monitor at night, and he tends to be a night owl and correspondingly struggles to really wake up and be with it at a reasonable hour, so I worry that my kid would be in her crib for hours after waking up because he won’t wake up / can’t hear her.
Second, I don’t really trust his judgment or trust him in an emergency. My dad was the kind of dad who didn’t know where the peanut butter was in our house growing up. (And even now, when we leave kiddo with him over lunch we pre-portion out all of kiddo’s food and put it in containers for him to warm up and give her – partly to make life easy for him, but also because we don’t trust him to figure it out on his own. And sometimes we’ve returned and found out that he’s served her food out of ramekins rather than putting it on the plate that we’ve also set out for him). He doesn’t know how to do basic things, like use google for simple research. I’m concerned about how he’s going to take care of himself as he gets older / less physically able, let alone being solely responsible for my kid overnight.
What I try to do is to give him more regular access (i.e., more frequent visits than other grandparents) for a few hours at a time. Since your father lives 2 hours away, maybe you could also have him for an overnight where you and your husband stay in the house as well. Like your dad manages toddler for a few hours, you’re all together that evening, and he gets time with toddler in the morning.
Anon in NYC says
Sorry, I realize that this doesn’t directly answer your question on how to deal with the specific issue of your dad asking. In that situation, I would tell him that one of the reasons you use in laws and your mom/stepfather is that there are 2 adults, which makes things easier and is less exhausting for everyone involved. I trust my mom with my kid, but for a while I had my inlaws do any overnights because my mom is single and it’s a lot to put on one person! Offer the overnight I mentioned as an alternative. Tell him that you’d like to ease into it with him and have him get more involved more often.
And, you never know, as toddler gets a little older and is a more independent, maybe your dad will be a decent caregiver. My daughter loves my dad, and it’s nice that my dad is healthy/active enough to take her to the playground and really run around with her (not all of her grandparents can do that!).
Anon says
Yes, try the overnights in your home. Can he be the person who comes and stays at your house so you can go on a date night or you can go out with friends until late, but you still come home at some point and are there in the morning? Maybe ask him if he can be your specific late night person – he comes to your place once or twice a month and watches kids and lets you sleep in the next morning. If he knows he’s getting two overnights a month, plus he’s letting you have a date night and nights out with friends, that might help him feel just as included. (And you get to sleep in, but you’re still there for emergencies. Actually, typing this is sort of inspiring me to try to set this up with my similar parent… Sleeping in sounds so luxurious right now.)
Grandparent conversations says
Thanks for posting, this sounds so, so similar, including the night owl part and the food part! Growing up I distinctly remember being ultra hungry at my dad’s house sometimes because I don’t think he realized that whatever fad diet he was following would work for kids, or that just because he didn’t get hungry for lunch until 3 pm didn’t mean that his elementary school aged daughter wouldn’t be famished!
We actually do these overnights at our home and they are a good chance for my dad to bond with my kid, but I think he’d like them more often and I wouldn’t because…my dad is exhausting (lonely so literally does not stop talking whenever I am around), doesn’t pick up after himself, etc. I should point out that he is the only grandparent who does overnights at our house. We have them scheduled for once a month…
Anonymous says
It sounds like you are doing a lot. This internet stranger gives you permission to accept that you are doing the best you can. Your dad may not be happy with the arrangements you chose but that doesn’t mean you aren’t a good daughter or that you are being unfair to him. If anything, with monthly overnight visits, I think you are being quite generous.
I would avoid ‘forever’ discussions. You may feel differently when kid is 8 or 10. Focus on the not being comfortable with single parenting for small kids which is where you are right now.
Grandparent conversations says
Thank you.
Llama Mama Drama says
Can your dad help out without driving? Is the issue that he’d be picking up/dropping off from childcare, or would he BE the actual childcare? Can you do trial day-long runs (like come over on a saturday, you and DH do chores all day and grandpa is In Charge but not alone) to give everyone a taste for how it goes.
I think without specific examples on driving, it might be hard to make a hard-and-fast rule. I also know, though, that just because you didn’t say it doesn’t mean there aren’t issues. FWIW, my dad is a perfectly capable human being (and young and spry @59), and HE is the one that is mildly uncomfortable being Babysitter. He’s happy to be Grandpa, he’s happy to be In Charge when we’re around, and he’ll change diapers if he has to…but he’s much much more comfortable with my older kid (5) than my younger two (1,3). And we’re not insane enough to leave them all at once, of course! But for example, he had a tough time hanging out with my older one when she was still having accidents- he wasn’t paying enough attention to ask/force her to try the potty, so she’d have an accident.
Hostess Gift says
I know it is getting late, so I will probably post again tomorrow. But does anyone have a really cool or fun hostess gift idea? My department has dinner at my boss’s house this weekend. We’ve been there before, it’s pretty casual, and we’re the only ones who need to travel to be there. So, I wouldn’t say it is necessarily expected, but I’d like to take a little something. I really don’t want to take the standard wine, flowers, etc. Does anyone have any really cool or fun ideas for a hostess gift? I’d say under $40, preferably under $30. Thanks!!
EB0220 says
Not sure if this is too flower-like but someone gave me a succulent in a fun pot and I really enjoy it. I am not a plant person at all but this brings some cheer to my window.
SC says
You mentioned you have to travel… If you’re traveling from out of town, are there any fun edibles from your town that would be appreciated? I’m thinking hot sauce, specific candy, pastries, etc.