Finally Friday: Woven Back High/Low Knit Top

This Vince Camuto top looks like a great basic — you can wear it to work or on the weekend, you can pair it with skinny pants, and you can layer it under a cardigan or blazer. It looks flattering and also not too out-there in terms of the high/low style. (Note that it does seem to be slightly sheer on most of the back.) It only has a couple of reviews so far, but they’re very positive. And, bonus: It’s machine washable, tumble dry low. The top, which is $69 at Nordstrom, is available in plus sizes in black and coral, as well as other colors in regular sizes. Woven Back High/Low Knit Top



  1. Anon in NOVA says:

    Oooooo I kind of like this shirt. I started imagining wearing it out with skinny jeans and heels and a clutch for drinks… then I remembered that is absolutely not my life right now. It was a nice thought while it lasted!

    • Ha! Haha. Hahahaha. A mom can dream…! I’m in your (equally flat, pedestrian) shoes.

      • Anon in NOVA says:

        I seriously wouldn’t even know what to do anymore. I’d be the one like “why are we all standing around having drinks? don’t restaurants have drinks? can’t we sit? WHAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU IT’S LOUD IN HERE”


        • avocado says:

          A while back my husband and I took advantage of the fact that the kid was at a sleepover party to try out a trendy restaurant in a trendy part of town . It was loud and crowded and everybody was younger and shinier and more tattooed than us. We felt like frumpy old people and decided that our trendy bar days were finished.

          The next time we went out without the kid, we decided that since we were now stodgy old people we ought to try a fancy schmancy grown-up restaurant in another part of town. We apparently did not look country-clubby enough for the hostesses because they kept trying to get us to sit in the bar and did not want to give us a table in the dining room. While we were waiting, a prominent conservative politician walked in and was seated right away. We decided we must be too young and progressive-looking to eat there again.

          So we have basically given up on real bars and fashionable restaurants and spend every Friday night eating burgers (locally sourced veggie burger for me!) with the kid at one of our neighborhood bar-and-grill places. As Goldilocks would say, just right.

          • Anon in NOVA says:

            I feel like I’m “in between” as well. I’m 29, but I have an almost-seven-year-old (oops. story for another time). I feel silly out at a “hip bar” because I need to get up tomorrow morning with a kid ya’ll! I’m also not ready to just go to stodgy restaurants. I try to find restaurants that have a hip bar waiting area thing, if that makes sense. I get to sit at a bar, have a fancy cocktail, get that out of my system, then go sit down to my nice dinner like the old fart that I am.

          • avocado says:

            I have a theory that one’s true age/phase of life is determined more than anything by the age of one’s kids.

          • JayJay says:

            This is us, exactly. Except we were never the really trendy people (my husband’s hair was entirely silver by the time he was 29…like Steve Martin). And we’ve done the same thing – casual, local bar and grill near the house, or we’ve learned to cook the fancy foods we like and just buy really good wine for ourselves and eat at home.

            I save the fancy cocktails for when I have to travel for business on cases. That seems to work for me.

          • Anon in NOVA says:

            Yes avocado! I’ve had a few coworkers in their early 40s (at two different jobs) that I would be having a wonderful rapport with, and then they find out my age and would get very weird about it. I finally learned to just flat out state “yes, but we’re both married and our children are the same age, so we are at the same stage in life and have plenty to talk about! Let’s do it again some time!” Once confronted with that reality, both relationships were able to develop into good friendships.

          • @avocado, totally! I’m 32. I have friends who are 40, and friends who are 23, and the first thing we had in common was the age of our kids.

          • This is such a perfect description of my going-out life right now!

          • I love this anecdote! I’ve been in both scenarios as well. We went one place for our valentine’s day right after kiddo was born (first date night) and we were the youngest people there! The food was really good and we were appropriately dressed but still. A few months ago, we went to a cooler part of town and I did not feel hip enough. Although, during the day that part of town seems more approachable.

  2. Any advice on SI joint pain during pregnancy? It’ll be ages before I get referred to a physio on the NHS and it’s getting me down a bit, particularly as I’m only 18 weeks and already in load of pain. Going to go to a chiropractor privately but in the meantime, I’m struggling.

    • Katala says:

      I was going to suggest a chiropractor but you’re on it. Hope it works for you! I didn’t have SI but the chiro saved me several times from being bedridden from back pain. Also great after baby arrives and everything is out of place.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      You do yoga, right? Perhaps a yoga instructor can suggest some exercises until you can get to physical therapy. Something like these. Also, perhaps a pelvic support belt will relieve some of the strain on your back.

      • Sarabeth says:

        Be very careful with this, though! You want a yoga instructor who knows what they are doing. An unmodified yoga routine can be very bad for SI pain (learned this the hard way myself, in my first pregnancy).

      • Yes! I’ve been going to prenatal yoga so will ask for advice and modifications.

    • Edna Mazur says:

      I’m on my third pregnancy, had it with all three, and finally got PT for it this time. Not going to lie, that has been the only thing that has made a world of difference. I used a pelvic support belt and that offers some level of relief.

      Obviously you need a the PT to show you the correct form for exercises but one thing that he told me is anytime I need pain relief there, lay flat on your back with your lower legs on a chair so your knees are bent at a 90 degree angle. If you have one, take a ball (5 inches in diameter or so) and squeeze it between your knees. This helps me.

      Solidarity. If it makes you feel better, with both of my previous pregnancies, as soon as the baby was out, that pain was gone completely.

    • Agree on PT or chiro. Wear the belt. It won’t necessarily last until the end of your pregnancy – don’t worry! Maybe acupuncture too?

    • Sarabeth says:

      Be gentle with yourself. I had this in both pregnancies, but it was actually worse in my first one because I didn’t want to cut back on walking and exercising as much as I should have. Second time around, I modified my yoga practice immediately and resigned myself to driving basically everywhere. It was much better.

      • That’s helpful, thanks! Weirdly, walking helps. It’s painful at first, but after about 10-15 minutes, I’m pain-free and stay that way for a decent amount of time. I don’t want to be doing more damage though …

    • layered bob says:

      yep, PT, a chiropractor, be very careful with yoga, wear the belt and – swimming. When I was swimming nothing hurt, and I would stay pain free for a couple blissful hours afterwards.

      • Edna Mazur says:

        Yes this! We are doing parent/toddler swimming lessons and I feel great in the pool and for the rest of the evening afterward.

    • October says:

      Ok, this is off topic, but it’s cases like this that turn me off of the idea of a government-run / single payer healthcare system in the US. Maybe it’s not the worst thing if people have to give up individual conveniences for the good of the many, but I feel like there are horror stories about waiting times for everything (even necessary surgeries!) in Canada, UK, etc. Anyone else?

      • Comparing the UK and US systems, there are some definite downsides to a single-payer system. I get what I need (excellent medical care without bankrupting myself) but not necessarily what I want (any frills, immediate access to doctors, loads of choice ). It is, however, a decent compromise.

        I have a health condition that pre-Obamacare would have made me uninsurable in the US. I was miserable in my job and couldn’t leave without something lined up because I couldn’t go without insurance. And even with insurance, a single ER visit cost me a fortune.

        I’m having a baby in the UK where normally care is managed by a midwife. When I went to my booking in appointment, they identified me as high risk patient and by the following week, I had had an early scan, was started on medication, and under the care of a joint obstetrics and hematological specialists.

        There are major issues with the NHS and things are worse in England than they are in Scotland where I live but at least everyone is getting a certain minimum standard of care, regardless of their resources or their job.

        • Anon in NYC says:

          “I get what I need (excellent medical care without bankrupting myself) but not necessarily what I want (any frills, immediate access to doctors, loads of choice ). It is, however, a decent compromise.”

          Caveat that I know very little about the single payer system, but I used to work with healthcare execs in the UK and this is basically what they had to say about it. There is a floor of good standard care, but if you have the resources you can pay for the extras like “better” or “fancier” medical devices than what the government offers (for say, a hip replacement), or less wait time.

          • Just seeing this now but that’s it exactly. And for certain things, going private doesn’t give you a better standard of care. If you have a complicated birth, they will transfer you to an NHS facility in the blink of an eye because they’ve got the expertise there.

      • Anonymous says:

        Canadian here. There are definitely wait times issues but there is a lot of effort being made to work on that. Many Canadians also pay for secondary health insurance that covers things like glasses, braces, private physio etc. The cost is minimal (like less than my cable bill) compared to full health insurance costs. So I can walk into a private physio tomorrow and they will direct bill my secondary insurance. Or I can wait for a provider through the public system. Access to the public system is based on urgency of medical need.

        It’s imperfect for sure, but at least in Canada, if you have cancer/heart disease/serious illness, you will get treated well and fairly. I’m in a rural area and there are often complaints about lack of services at our local hospital but the reality is our local hospital can not offer every type of specialist care. Travel costs and medical care at the closest centre that offers the service are paid for through the public system (often Toronto). Sometimes the treatment is done locally but in consultation with a specialist at a larger centre.

        One of the challenges for Canada is the proximity to the United States which has much higher salaries for doctors and other health professionals. I remember working on one divorce case years ago where the two doctor parents decided to move to the States – earn $1 million/year for ten years (double what they would make in Canada) and then retire. The divorce jammed up their plans but it’s a real issue for recruitment and retention in the Canadian system.

        I’m often surprised by the posts here and on the main site about the paperwork logistics around the private system in the United States. I can’t imagine how stressful it is to not only worry about your child’s medical condition but also how their care will be paid for/whether the paperwork is right.

      • shortperson says:

        there are already significant waiting times for many specialists in the U.S. outside of major cities and coastal areas. i have a niece with health problems in flyover country and it can take her 3 months to get an appt with a specialist, even for problems that involve significant daily pain.

      • October says:

        Thanks for the responses (and the civility – I realize my privilege was showing a bit in my initial comment :) I think healthcare is one of those issues where reasonable people can disagree on the best means to a certain end (insurance for everyone), so it’s helpful to hear varying perspectives.

      • Sarabeth says:

        In most single payer systems you can still pay for private insurance. I’ve lived in both systems, and know a lot of other people who have. I would take the UK system in a heartbeat, if given a choice. It’s not perfect, but you just don’t have the kind of horror stories that we get in the US. People don’t die from cancer because they couldn’t afford treatment.

  3. Sorry this is gross says:

    This is about poop. You have been warned.

    Have any of you had a situation where you disagree with your child’s pediatrician? I’m doubting myself because he’s really great in all other ways and has won “pediatrician of the year” type awards. But my daughter has had an ongoing issue with constipation and it seems like he’s just blowing me off over it. I bring it up at every appointment. How can “just give her more miralax” be the answer? She’s taken miralax every day for the past year. And she still only goes once a week sometimes. I feel like I’m going crazy. I got that softy the poop book someone recommended on here and the book for parents by the same author, but it’s geared towards older children who are already potty trained and can be reasoned with on some level. Plus it says they should go every day. My pediatrician said there is a variety in what is normal. My daughter is about 2.5 and she’s been struggling with this issue for the last year and a half. I’m kind of at a loss about what to do and would love to be able to think about something less gross than my kid’s bowels. I called the nurse when it was the second week in a row of one poops per week and the nurse told me to just up the miralax dose. Which I did. So now she’s having diaper explosions every several days. This will get better at some point, right?

    Please don’t shame me for having her on miralax. Trust me, if giving her juice and fruit magically worked, I’d be doing that.

    • avocado says:

      I disagreed with my child’s pediatrician once, it turned out I was right, and it landed her in the hospital with pneumonia. Trust your mom instincts and get a second opinion if you think it’s necessary.

    • my 2 cents says:

      i disagreed with my similarly well-liked & well-respected pediatrician once too on a poop-related issue. when he could tell that I wasn’t convinced, he suggested I go to a pediatric gastroenterologist…who ended up confirming that yes, something was wrong. it took her about 10 seconds to accurately diagnose my baby because she exclusively deals in poop-related challenges :)

      my pediatrician’s reaction to the GE’s diagnosis was “i’m so glad we sent you to a specialist,” not defensiveness, and that reinforced my opinion that he’s an otherwise fab pediatrician. it sounds like you’ve spent a reasonable amount of time testing out your ped’s approach, so trust your instincts. sometimes you just need a specialist.

    • mascot says:

      Sounds like it would make you feel better to get a second opinion. Potty training is on the horizon I would think and you want to have a good handle on what’s normal for your child and what’s not.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        Yes, I agree. Even if your pediatrician is correct, it seems like you would feel better to have a second opinion… so get one!

        FWIW, there is a range of normal in terms of frequency, but 1x per week sounds outside the usual range I’ve heard (every 3 days or so, at least for adults).

    • Anonymous says:

      What do you have to lose with a second opinion? Go for it.

    • Anonymous says:

      Your pediatrician is right – daily isn’t necessary. I have twins. From birth one pooped regularly (daily or twice daily) and the other had a poop-explosion once a week. At age three it’s pretty much the same.

      But your pediatrician is also wrong – just upping the miralax constantly is treating the symptom and not the cause.

      I strongly recommend you add a probiotic – whether food based (activia yoghurt) or an actual probiotic supplement. Different probiotics work differently for different people so you may have to try a few. Activia is the best yoghurt based one for me but store brand yoghurts work for my DH. Kefir in a smoothie is a great option as well. Healthy fats are also really important. That’s the reason that many people get constipated when they start a diet. Avocado and olive oil are great options.

      Look for food triggers in her diet. Is she more constipated than usual when she has certain foods? Try keeping a journal of what she eats and when she poops – it might help you discover a trigger. I’ve had constipation issues myself when I’m not careful with my diet. I’m super sensitive to cheese – I dearly love cheese but I can’t eat it at all or I get constipated. Processed meats (deli meats, hot dogs) are another trigger.

      Definitely get a second opinion. Trust your instincts.

    • Lurker says:

      I would get a second opinion but it is true that there is a range of “normal” in the poop world.

    • I haven’t personally been in this situation with my son’s doctor, but I have with my own doctors, and I think getting a second opinion from a specialist is a great idea. Let another doctor tell you its normal.

    • Sarabeth says:

      Agree to see a specialist. My daughter had constipation issues, and her ped was not comfortable having her on Miralax for more than a few months. I think it’s natural that you would need to keep upping the dose as she grows, but I would worry about Miralax as an indefinite strategy.

    • I disagreed with my son’s first pediatrician about him needing a referral for PT. She said he didn’t need it and my gut was telling me he did, so I pushed back and asked her to give us one anyway. She refused and I switched him to another pediatrician. The new pediatrician agreed he not only needed to see a physical therapist, but needed to see one immediately and got us jumped to the top of the waiting list. The physical therapist told us if we had waited much longer her would have had developmental issues with crawling and standing/walking. I had other concerns with our first pediatrician (the nurses line and other doctors were not good), which contributed to us switching. If you otherwise like your pediatrician, ask for a referral to a specialist.

    • No shame on using Miralax, but have you also tried a green smoothie (lots of spinach/any other green and some fruit)? My older son had terrible constipation (and my husband does too) and after drinking this smoothie every day both of them don’t need to be on Miralax anymore. It’s been pretty life changing especially for my husband, who would be in severe pain when going to the bathroom. Maybe something to consider? My son was initially turned off by the color but if you add a lot of fruit like berries and apple it’s sweet and tasty.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        Also, chia seeds have really helped me. I add them to smoothies, oatmeal, or just make straight chia seed pudding.

    • I agree on getting a second opinion from a pediatric gastroenterologist. From my experience, what is “ok” or “normal” for a general practitioner is generally wider than a specialist. Our pediatric GI doc saw red flags that our pediatrician didn’t, and I’m glad that we pursued it. I would ask for the referral now because it can take a fair amount of time to get in with a specialist.

    • There’s absolutely zero reason to NOT get a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist. Options: (1) he confirms that your pediatrician is right and you stay the course, (2) he finds something wrong that needs a different course of action and you make progress, or (3) he agrees that there is nothing “wrong” but suggests a different course of action. A good pediatrician would support you in that second opinion, at the very least.

      (FWIW, we were in a similar situation, and by the time we saw the specialist, my son was past the actual physical issue and we had moved on to behavioral issues necessitating a referral to a pediatric psychologist. But the gastro was still instrumental in getting us on the right course, and I wish we had pushed to see him earlier.)

    • Wehaf says:

      I agree that you should get a second opinion, even if just for your own peace of mind (although I suspect you will get some different advice, too). Have you tried epsom salts in her bath? It will let her absorb some magnesium which should help.

  4. Lifestyle Books says:

    Happy Friday! I know we are all busy working moms, but I was wondering if any of you can share your favorite books on “stylish living”. For example, books on home decor, etiquette, style etc. Or in the alternative, your favorite lifestyle blogs (besides CorporetteMoms of course).

    • I love all of Tim Gunn’s books!

    • Frozen Peach says:

      For books– I highly recommend The Nesting Place– it’s probably the only décor book I will ever need to read.

      For blogs– Cup of Jo, Apartment Therapy, Sometimes Sweet, Daily OM, Elephant Journal, Momastery.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’ve been reading Jennifer L Scott’s blog the daily connoisseur for years…she has few books on living life w a French flair that might be interesting. TBH it’s not earth shattering stuff and I’m not really sure why I keep reading the blog but I’m weirdly fascinated by how she portrays herself.

    • Kindergarten boy says:

      Blogs: Hitherandthither and designmom

  5. M in DC says:

    Seeking pump advice – I had a Medela PISA for my first baby, which worked “fine” for me. (I used a Symphony for a couple months in an effort to boost supply and then switched to a PISA with no immediate impact on supply.) I still have all the extra parts and whatnot for the Medela. I’m now pregnant with my second, and it looks like I could get a Spectra S2 from my insurance – is there anyone here who has used both and can compare/contrast for me? I like the idea of having something quieter and potentially more effective, but not having to buy new parts/adaptors to fit my Medela and Dr Browns bottles would be nice too.

    • anonymous says:

      You can hack your S2 to use Medela parts. Just google “Medela/Spectra hack.” I used PISA with my first but plan to switch to Spectra with my second because of all the amazing reviews I’ve read.

    • Butter says:

      Had both the PISA and the Spectra and loved the Spectra. It was quieter, gentler, and I had better output with it. I bought cheap plastic converters on Amazon so all the Medela parts worked. (I just checked and I specifically ordered the Maymom Flange Adapter for Spectra Pumps. $7 later and no issues.)

      • M in DC says:

        Thanks! Looks like the Spectra with adapter is the way to go – glad to have some real world experience to inform my decision!

  6. Lifestyle Books says:

    My comment disappeared so I apologize if you see this twice.

    What are your favorite lifestyle books? Style, etiquette, home decor, mindful living etc. In the alternative, what are your favorite lifestyle blogs? Thanks!

    Happy Friday!

  7. Sleep help… everyone’s favorite topic! For the past couple months either my husband or I has been sleeping with our 2 year old. She sleeps on a mattress on the floor and anywhere from 12 – 2 she usually cries for someone and we go in. Otherwise she comes to find us. Then points to the spot next to her “night night there” lies down and makes us stay.

    How to break this habit? It’s tough because she can get up, open the door and walk in to our room. And we let it go way way way too long (this started when she was sick). Anyone else had a similar experience? We’ve been adamant on keeping kids out of our own bed, so I guess this is what resulted!

    • Anonymous says:

      toddler mattress on the floor next to your bed with her own little pillow and blanket? She could put herself to sleep there and you could reach down to hold her hand etc.

      Or, when she falls back to sleep in her own room, just get up and go back to your bed. A few stuffies or a pillow can fill your spot when you make your escape.

      I’m not a huge help because we let our 2 year old get in bed with us if it’s after midnight. I wish he would stay a baby forever.

    • Momata says:

      This is tough. To me part of the solution is a doorknob cover on the inside of her door (if you’re comfortable – we have hardwired fire and CO2 alarms in our toddler’s room and an audio monitor, so I’m comfortable and we’ve had one on the door since kid got out of her crib). But then she’s going to conflate having to sleep alone with being trapped in her room, which is legit scary.

      I might give her a new big stuffy to sleep with and say that Stuffy is there to sleep with her instead of mom and dad. That mom and dad are here for her in an emergency or if she is sick, but everyone sleeps in their own rooms when they are well. And then when she cries out for you, do a version of the sleep lady shuffle – that you will sit down next to her door until she falls asleep but you won’t lie down because that’s Stuffy’s job, and gradually go to less and less presence in her room.

    • mascot says:

      We aren’t much help because we used a baby gate until age 3 or so to keep the young sir confined to his room. Once we took that down, we did silent returns in the event he left his room. We were adamant about everyone sleeping in their own bed/room.
      I feel like the alpha mom blog deals with a lot of questions on toddler sleep shenanigans. In addition to advice here, maybe browse those columns as well. Sample:

    • PinkKeyboard says:

      I’d throw up a gate or gate my doorway. But I’m also a heartless meany when it comes to sleep. My child has literally not slept a night in our bed since she moved into her crib.

    • AnonMN says:

      My 3yo was an historically awesome sleeper, but went through a period where he would not fall asleep without one of us present and would want us to join him in the middle of the night (it was so out of “character” for him). It was around 2.5 when it started, and I would say it lasted a few months. I read up that around this age they go through a “scare period” where fantasy turns into reality or something like that (clearly this is the hazy mom brain cliff notes version), and it seemed to be on point for what he was going through. We tried weaning him off a variety of ways (slowly get further away, etc), but found that it just disappaited after a while. I just kept trying by saying “okay, I’m going to leave now” and eventually he didn’t protest.

      I would talk to her about when she wakes up at night you are sleeping too and she can just hug her bear and fall back asleep. Eventually she will learn the skills to do this. I’m the opposite of above though, and the biggest softey when it comes to kids not wanting to be alone at night. But i’ve currently got two independent sleepers (age 1 and3), so it works for me.

    • Thanks all for this advice! Super helpful. I do hope it’s just a phase – she sounds legit scared sometimes at night, which is how we’ve given in. I’ve even considered moving baby brother’s crib in so they could share a room (I think this would solve the problem but also create new problems and they have their own rooms so…)

      I’m going to try the Stuffy! And some shuffling. And crossing of fingers.

      • Anonymous says:

        Good luck! I think is is a phase that kids go through at around the 2 – 2.5 phase, which is unfortunately also the age at which they get super convincing at misleading you into thinking something is terribly wrong. The other night my 2-yo started screaming, help! help!, only for me to find him giggling in his bed when I ran up the stairs to see what was wrong…

  8. avocado says:

    How do you cope when you are seriously upset at work, as in tears running down your face and snot dripping out your nose upset? I am sitting my car right now so no one can see me and have a plan to deal with the issue at a later date, but I need to get some serious work done this afternoon and also avoid saying anything I will regret. Ugh.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hugs. Take a personal day if you can. If you have to be at work, drinking water can help. Deep slow breathing is also good. Since you’re in your car, can you take a run to starbucks for something cold to drink in the car and a coffee or lunch to bring back to work?

      Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings and then put on your work persona (sasha fierece styles) and set a time to let go/break down later in the day (even if you need to go back to your car for a reset)

    • Anonymous says:

      Is there a gym or bathroom where you can wash your face (or just eyes) in cold water for a while? Or how about take off your jacket and go for a brisk walk around the block in the cold to snap yourself out of it? Then a strong coffee?

    • I started keeping visine in my desk, and it does get the red out so my eyes at least look more normal. In terms of calming down, I have to find ways to distract myself – just have to get myself engrossed in work and not think about the issue, or I will keep crying.

      • Also I can’t talk about the situation, especially with sympathetic people, when I need to stop crying – when people are nice to me it makes me break down again.

    • First, hugs for whatever is causing you the distress. And, yes, I have been there. If you are still in your car, go to Starbucks and a CVS if you don’t have visine and other essentials on you. And while this is not good life advice in general, if you must get through the next few hours, think of it as leaving whatever is bothering you in your car. Close the door on the issue for just a little while, knowing that you will be able to go for the full breakdown in a few hours. Get back to your desk and make a super detailed to-do list: start with “open document,” then “add title” and then “fix margins.” Make it detailed and cross every thing off as you go. Listen to one of those pandora playlists on productivity that has zero sappy music (for me, that involves violins). Hang in there.

    • BeenThatGuy says:

      I’m going through the same thing right now (holding it together by a thread; so I might be in a little better shape than you). My advice, stay in your car or a bathroom until you can collect yourself. At some point, the tears will stop. Just keep talking yourself into getting it together. Fix yourself up, get back to work. Put on some pop music or anything that won’t make you sad. Bang out the work and get out of there. Hugs to you!

      • avocado says:

        Thanks to everyone for the great advice. I got some fresh air and a good lunch and am trying to leave it in the car.

        BeenThatGuy, hang in there! We are almost to the weekend.

    • Hugs. It’s Friday – can you leave a little early?

  9. Ladies I am feeling so defeated right now. I’m in my first IVF cycle. The injections weren’t nearly as bad as I thought and yesterday we had egg retrieval, which also was much easier than I thought. So all of that is good. They got 10 eggs and I’m going to be 37 in two weeks. Well I just got word that only three fertilized and I’m having a day three transfer of one (all my insurance will allow for a first cycle) on Sunday. I know that one was the most that was going to be transferred anyway, but am just so discouraged that only three fertilized. Not sure what I’m really looking for here – success stories would be great, but really I’m just venting I guess.

    • Hugs. I’ve been through two IVF cycles.

      Cycle 1: I was 31; 5 retrieved, 3 fertilized, only 2 made it to 3 days, and we transferred both. They are my 9 year old twins.

      Cycle 2: I was 36; 3 retrieved, 2 fertilized, we transferred both at 3 days. One is my 3 year old little girl.

      You don’t need quantity; you just need quality.

      All the good wishes in the world!

    • Twin Mom Anon says:

      Here’s a success story to cheer you up. I too was disappointed with the small number of fertilized eggs after my first IVF at 33. I ended up with 3 underachieving mediocre grade embryos on day 3 (out of 14 or so eggs that were retrieved), 2 of which went in, one of which split (and the other didn’t take), and only 1 that made it to day 5 for the freezer. I now have 3 year old identical twins! So while in some sense it is a numbers game, remember that you only need one to be strong enough to take and end up as a baby (or two).

    • EBMom says:

      You are allowed to vent and feel bad about this! But, there are many different reasons that could apply for only 3 eggs fertilizing. And there isn’t anything to be done about it now, so your worry and defeat will not help. My mother used to recite the Serenity prayer to me when I would get frustrated with things that had happened to me. It would make me so angry, but all these years later, she was right. Accepting the things I cannot change is so good to do, but so very hard in practice. I wish you the best of luck on Sunday. Reading Desiderata can sometimes help me when I feel despair, as well. If you have never read it or haven’t read it in awhile, give it a try. It is a very short poem. Best of luck on Sunday! Try to treat yourself with kindness and gentleness until then.

  10. DH just took a new job which will require him to travel 2-3 times per month (usually Tuesday-Thursday). I’m supportive and excited for him. I’ve also recently started a new job that is much more flexible, less demanding overall, and closer to home and daycare. But of course I’m still nervous about the big changes and doing “it all” myself during the weeks he gone. For those of you who have spouses who travel frequently, what are your tips for managing work, the kids, the house, etc. during the week? And do you do anything to keep your marriage going when spouse is home? (Part of me thinks parts of it will be easier–in many ways, DH is messier and more work than Kiddo.)

    • CPA Lady says:

      How old is your kid?

      Basically, I solo parented a ton of the time…. like 75-80% (or more? it was kind of a blur) the first 15 months of our daughter’s life. The biggest tip I would share is to not make your life any harder than it needs to be. I skipped and dropped a lot of stuff to stay sane and we all lived through it and are doing fine. This is not a time to insist on only elaborate homemade meals. This is a time to grab a frozen pizza and a bag salad, pop that sucker in the oven and call it a night. This is not a time to have a 2 hour long bedtime routine or starting any kind of time-consuming extra-curricular activities.

      As far as the marriage thing goes– ask for what you need rather than taking on a bunch of stuff and then silently seething with resentment. My husband is around a lot more now, but he still works an unusual schedule, and I take on a lot. I was really resentful of him for a while until I realized that I could ask him to step up to the plate. Even though my job is more flexible and relaxed it doesn’t mean I HAVE to be the one to stay home every single time daycare is closed. Just because we only get one weekend day together each weekend doesn’t mean we have to spend every moment together. If it would make you feel better, make one or two nights when he’s not traveling “his” nights to cook dinner or put the kids to bed while you go off and do your own thing, or whatever you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Once I started doing this rather than being resentful, our marriage got a lot better.

      • CPA Lady says:

        Also, periodically re-asses to see what is and isn’t working. Who does daycare pickup, who does meal planning, etc. Once you get through a couple of test months, see if there’s anything you can shuffle around to make life easier. I do all daycare pickups and drop offs and my husband is in charge of meal planning, even when he travels, he makes sure the freezer is stocked with whatever I need to be able to get dinner on the table quickly. It wasn’t always this streamlined and it caused some issues.

    • Anonymous says:

      I have a pretty demanding job, so my strategy is to just survive while husband is out of town. I clean up after meals, but generally do zero other housework. I try to go out to dinner with him more on the weekends (late-ish, so we can maximize kid time) now that he travels more.

      If I have time, I embrace it and watch TV by myself after bedtime (while folding laundry…), because it feels sort of luxurious to be all alone.

    • NewMomAnon says:

      I just found a routine and stuck with it on the days I’m solo with kiddo. I tend to put my head down and plow through the middle of the week anyway; wake up, get ready, daycare drop off, work, daycare pick up, dinner, bed time, a few minutes to pick up the house and get myself ready for bed, sleep. Rinse repeat. It’s a lot easier to do mid-week solo parenting because of daycare and bedtime. Weekend solo parenting gets lonely.

      I would also suggest scheduling a house cleaning service to come on Mondays and having him coordinate the pre-cleaning tidying up process, and making sure that all errands and chores are done before he leaves town. Pre-prep dinners as much as possible on the weekends, or get a rotation of easy to prep meals. The more you can have the house battle ready by the time he leaves, the more fun you can have during those solo stints.

    • Thanks for the tips. Kiddo will be 2 in a couple of months.

      I feel like mornings will be harder because Kiddo tends to wake up, or let me know he’s awake, the second my feet touch the floor, and he’s not exactly happy to sit quietly and let me get ready. Videos maybe? And of course, being solo when things go wrong, whether the hot water heater breaks or I’m sick or whatever, will be much harder.

      But I feel like evenings alone will be easier in a lot of ways. DH tends to want more elaborate dinners, or something not particularly healthy or satisfying–which I reject, putting back into elaborate-dinner territory. I’m much more OK with rotisserie chicken, soup, bag salad, frozen meals. And less elaborate dinner means fewer dishes. Plus I’m better about things like cleaning as I go and reusing towels. (DH has lots of good qualities, including the ability to fix broken things, but neatness isn’t one of them.) So I anticipate doing a simplified evening routine, picking up a bit, and curling up with my book.

      And I agree about solo parenting on weekends. DH had a weird schedule for the first year after Kiddo was born, and we only had one day off together. It still happens occasionally, and will probably happen occasionally with the new job. I really don’t enjoy being alone all day with Kiddo on the weekend.

      • mascot says:

        My kid loved Curious George at that age. PBSKids was the only thing that made it possible for me to get out the door most days. For a couple of months around that time, DH lived in a separate city during the week so I did lots of solo weeks.

      • Anonymous says:

        Shower at night? I prefer to get ready before my kids are up, but my kids (2 and 4) now can hang out with me while I get dressed or play by themselves and eat breakfast. I sometimes shower with my 2-yo standing in the bathroom right outside, but I prefer not to.

      • NewMomAnon says:

        Remember that just because your husband isn’t physically in the same location doesn’t give him a pass on calling the handyman or lining up pediatrician appointments. If kiddo is sick, you can tend to kiddo while husband (from his hotel room) calls for backup care or calls for a ped appt. I do it with kiddo’s dad all the time; she wakes up sick and I call the ped while her dad hunts for back up care providers. Or before we split, if there was home or car maintenance and he wasn’t around, I would do the immediate damage control while he called our list of repair shops.

        Other things that can be done from a hotel room: ordering groceries online, paying bills, bedtime stories read via Skype or Facetime, research about anything (daycare providers, holiday presents, Angie’s List, etc). Dad could probably also entertain kiddo via Facetime for a few minutes in the morning while you shower.

        • Anonymous says:

          Thanks for this reminder. I should be expecting more from my traveling husband, who gets to sleep a full night, work out at the hotel gym, etc!

        • +1. This this this. Outsource absolutely everything you can to him while he’s traveling. Anything you’re doing at work or on your lunch hour, he can do too. Paying the daycare bill, calling around for babysitters, buying diapers online, picking up tylenol or Rx at the pharmacy (just call it in to the pharmacy closest to his hotel). whatever. Make those his jobs all the time, not just when he’s traveling. It’s his duty to pitch in more since you’re by default doing more of the bedtimes/ laundry/ etc.

          And yes use Facetime as a babysitter so you can get house stuff done. His alone-kiddo time is while I shower every morning, whether he’s home or travelling. If kiddo is whining while you’re trying to make dinner, call DH on Facetime and he can chat to get kiddo out of your hair. He can Facetime with one while the other needs a bath. He can Facetime while you’re doing dishes after dinner.

          And yes. We use cartoons and takeout more than I like, but we also spend the entire weekend screen-free (while they’re awake) plus they are screen-free at daycare, so I feel like it balances out.

        • Good thought! We have discussed husband taking over bill paying and general finance managing because it can be done from anywhere. We’ll have to figure out what else he can do while traveling.

          But LOL at my husband researching holiday presents. He is literally the worst gift giver on the planet, and it’s better for everyone if he spends less time thinking about it. (Bless his heart, and it’s probably a good thing that gifts are not at all my love language.)

      • Pigpen's Mama says:

        When it’s only a few days, kiddo isn’t sick, and there are no work emergencies, I actually find things are a little easier when my H is out of town. I already do pickup and dinner solo, so there’s not much difference on that end.

        Mornings are the tough time. I now have to get ready before she gets up, and she is an early riser. When she was younger, I’d plop her in the pack in play in our room and turn on the TV, but she’s too big for that, but too young to really be left to her own devices even in a fairly babyproofed room. What has worked wonders is an “okay to wake” clock — we started using it when she was just over 2 and OMG, within a few days she’d stay in her crib until it was on (there were a few rough mornings), and now she sleeps a little later most mornings. I now can get up an hour before her and do what I need to do.

        If that doesn’t work, I’ll shower at the work gym.

        I also try to do errands before he leaves (get gas, make sure I’ve got groceries, etc).

        Wake Up Clock here:

    • mascot says:

      We’ve had lots of travel in the past few months so I am very familiar with this scenario. I agree that weekday solo parenting is less lonely, but I find it a little more exhausting. I try to get as much prep done before he leaves- meals, laundry, etc because I know that I won’t have any energy once I’ve gotten through the evening routine. I actually give myself a break on those nights to read a book or just go to bed super early instead of thinking I am going to get so much accomplished by myself. He also makes sure that I get a solid chunk of me time on the weekends when he’s home and he uses that for some one on one kid time and to do his share of house chores. I also agree with the advice to ensure that traveling spouse keeps up with chores before they go out of town. I stock the fridge before I leave town, my husband makes sure that the yardwork has been done and dry cleaning is picked up.

    • I’m often briefly solo with kiddo – either overnight or DH is gone from 6am to 8pm once a week. On those nights I do a really simple dinner or prep by cooking a big batch of something a day or two before. And I prep as much as possible the night before. Sometimes I’ll literally make a list of all the things that need to happen between kiddo waking up at 6 and getting out the door at 7.45.

      A sample list:
      “Breakfast (oatmeal)
      Pack kid lunch and water
      Pack my lunch and water
      Pack work bag
      Wash face
      Brush teeth (both of ours)…”
      … and so on. Yes, that’s what it looks like!.

      If I know in advance I’ll be solo parenting on the weekend, I make at least one playdate, and have a list of activities in my back pocket (rather than scheduled) because so much hinges on kid’s nap.

    • Anonymous says:

      Trader Joe’s and Costco frozen meals.

      Also, make sure when husband is home that he is fully part of the routine and has his own responsibilities with the kids… this is not just for you, but also to make sure that he has a strong bond with kid. It’s pretty easy to fall into the routine of you being so used to doing it all yourself that he becomes a bystander, which isn’t good for your relationship with husband or his with kids. Also prep everything the night before.

      Also schedule in at least a few hours of time for you (even if it’s just going to the gym and taking a shower). For me being able to look forward to a break mattered way more than what I actually did with the time. Just knowing it was coming helped me to focus on getting through the immediate day-to-day without feeling too overwhelmed.

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