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Cb says
Ooh I love this! It’s such a nice shape. I want the elephant one but can’t handle dry cleaning.
Anon says
Cb, you have mentioned “linen sacks” a couple times, do you have any examples? Not to be a stalker but sounds intriguing…
Cb says
I shall share the good news of Lithuanian linen. I get mine from LinenID and Linenfox, off etsy. They are sustainable fabrics, ethically produced, and can be customised. Are they business formal? Absolutely not, but they work for my teaching/research lifestyle. And when they’re worn out, you can put them in the compost as they are biodegradeable. I have linen sacks, some really nice trousers, and a great linen open front blazer.
Anonymous says
The shape is lovely, and the fabrics, but something about the names for the sizes feels wrong to me.
Anonymous says
It makes me want to vomit.
Amy says
Yeah, WOW, what?? Especially since “Role Model,” i.e. what we should all be aspiring to and literally has MODEL in the name is the “Small”? Really? Were there any plus-size women — or any women at all — in the marketing meeting where this strategy was decided?
Pogo says
lol yeah esp as I’m just an achiever. Feels like the lamest size!
EB0220 says
That sizing is…wow. No.
Anonymous says
I wash all of my silk stuff on cold in lingerie bags and hang dry.
Anon says
I came down with a cold last night and I have a FET tomorrow for my last embryo. Anyone have advice on remedies to feel better fast?
Anonymous says
Drink more tea than you realized possible.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My home remedy – fresh ginger/turmeric (powder) tea with cinnamon, honey, and black pepper. Heat up your tea kettle and add the ingredients. Plus, rest, of course – if you can. Fingers crossed for you.
Pogo says
FWIW, FET is super low impact. Key thing is to remember to drink water so your bladder is full when you get there!!
Anon says
Good luck!!
Anon says
Good luck and hope you feel better! Everyone’s advice is good–rest and lots of water. And have McDonalds after!
Anon says
Question 1: How much school work do you have your elementary students do in the summer to prevent the summer slide?
The past two summers I kept the kids at a homeschooling pace because schools were closed from March 2020 until Sept 2021 and I knew we needed to make progress to stay on grade level. Now both kids are ahead of grade level and are spending the majority of their summer at fun outdoor day camps. I know I should dial back the summer work, but how much is a good amount? What do you do with your kids?
Question 2: My rising 4th grader is good at math, is already well above grade level, and seems likely to go into a STEM field like both of her parents. I’d like her to be selected for the advanced math track in middle school so she can take advanced math in high school. The placement test for the middle school math tracking is in spring of 5th grade. It’s well known that you have to do outside math study to be placed on the advanced math track, as they don’t cover enough content at her elementary school to score high enough on the placement test. Is it totally insane to have my 8 yo start doing an advanced math curriculum at home as a rising 4th grader? Does anyone else have experience with middle school math prep?
Anonymous says
I think literally everything you just wrote is toxic and insane. My kids read books over the summer and that is it. There is simply no way that in order to take advanced math in high school a child who just finished third grade needs to formally study math over the summer.
I’m sure you’ll just conclude I’m mean but truly this is toxic parenting.
Anon says
Welcome to the DC area. Lots of kids do outside math prep. Early tracking is the norm. I know several kids who do a 2 hour class every Saturday. I wasn’t considering anything that formal as we do pretty well with me leading a lesson. It’s gives us more flexibility to work on math when she’s in the mood.
If my kid hated math I wouldn’t consider it. But her favorite activities are suduko, chess and rubiks cubing. She loves math. Sports and dance aren’t the only appropriate extra curriculars for kids.
Anonymous says
Then why’d you bother asking.
Anon says
As I said, to see what others are doing. It’s been a crazy time with the pandemic and many kids are behind academically or playing catch up socially.
Anon says
Isn’t that part of the reason kids in highly competitive schools are now considered a at-risk group?
Anon says
Yes.
So Anon says
I have to agree with Anon at 9:54.
Yes, DC has that pressure cooker atmosphere, if you opt into it. It’s where I graduated from high school, but please understand the implications of the track that you’re pushing. This sounds like much more of your need versus her desire. I have friends who were pushed like this when we were younger. It hasn’t gone well for many, if not most of those friends.
Extra Anon for This says
I’m in the DC area and I do not know anyone who does anything like this, and I work with a lot of scientists who want their kids in STEM. Also, my kid is in middle school advanced math without outside prep and is smart but no genius. I’m sure your kid will be just fine without homeschooling all summer.
Anon says
Homeschooling was a pandemic thing. As I said, that’s not happening anymore. I’m trying to decide on a new normal post-pandemic. Our last normal summer was 2019–that was so long ago.
Anonanonanon says
You asked about a formal curriculum for advanced math that you would do at home. That is what I’m referring to, not your pandemic parenting. No one here is talking about your pandemic parenting we’re weighing in on summer work and a separate math curriculum done at home.
Anonymous says
I posted below that my rising 3d grader excells at math. She also loves it! She does suduko and plays chess. She plays a zillion sports and has other hobbies but offered to drop them all to do a math team if I could find one (bonus if it had a girl on it).
Over the summer PEHAPS I might let her play math games on her computer. literally that’s it. You are pushing too hard. If your kid is this advanced in math (like mine) they don’t need weekend prep courses.
Anon says
We aren’t going to sign up for weekend prep as she needs downtime. I was considering self paced options.
Spirograph says
I’m in the DC area (MoCo), and I’m curious where you are that you feel this is such A Thing, because it is not my experience at all. I have not gotten this hypercompetitive tracking vibe from literally anyone I have talked to in real life except one coworker, and I chalked that up to his family culture, not the area.
I also love sudoku, chess, and rubiks cubing, and TBH I probably would have loved robotics camp and other “nerdy” pursuits as a kid. But I had zero summer work in elementary school, and would have resented if my mom had tried to force it on me. I did have a large stack of workbooks, brainquest, logic puzzles, etc that my mom kept around for me to “play school” with, which I did, and sometimes I’d fall down a rabbit hole and find some more resources at the library. If you daughter is precocious, likes learning, and enjoys math, you don’t need to try so hard (and trying may be counterproductive, depending on her personality). Build it and she will come! I would focus more on making opportunities for learning available and less on the outcomes.
Anon says
BTW, homeschooling during pandemic school closures is far from toxic.
For question 1, I was considering have the kids do a couple of pages in the Brainquest SummerBridge workbook most days. Both kids read for fun and are doing the library summer reading challenge so they read plenty on their own.
Anon says
1000% this is so toxic. And I say that as someone who had very education-focused parents and went to one of the most selective colleges in the US.
ElisaR says
i have to agree w/ Anonymous at 9:54am.
HSAL says
Yes, it is insane. She’s already advanced. Deal with this when she’s actually in fifth grade if that.
I’m glad you have them in outdoor camps. To answer your first question, my average to bright rising first grader is doing a summer journal. Everyday she writes a a sentence, maybe two, about what she did that day. She asked for a workbook to keep her “brain fresh” (her words) but she hasn’t opened it yet. I might save that for when she complains she’s bored.
Anon says
1. Literally none. Encourage reading and read to them. That’s it.
2. Don’t prep for the test. She won’t succeed in advanced math if she needs tutoring to get tracked there. Many kids will get there on their own.
Anon says
There’s a difference between prepping for the test and giving her access to an advanced math curriculum so she can work ahead. She literally won’t have covered topics on the test without access to that content. No one gets there on their own with what’s provided at school. It’s literally impossible.
Anon says
I just don’t believe that, sorry. I went to MIT. There are plenty of kids who are so naturally gifted at math that they get identified as advanced at that age with zero outside supporter. If your daughter isn’t one of them, she could still be very smart and have a very successful career in STEM (I know many people with STEM PhDs who did no math acceleration until AP Calc in 12th grade). But it means maybe she doesn’t belong in this very advanced class.
Anon says
She’s the very youngest kid in her grade and one of the 6 kids in her grade who gets pulled out for math enrichment with the gifted teacher. That pull out focuses on tough word problems rather than working ahead, so they don’t teach the more advanced topics that will show up on the placement test.
Thus far I’ve taken the same approach and any math at home (for fun) has been tough problems that make her think. I’ve done zero intentional acceleration (and I had far more responsibility for content selection than I ever intended due to the pandemic). This would be her first access to acceleration.
Each elementary school in our county gets to determinehow to differentiate. Some schools push students ahead more than others. Our principal is particularly laid back. Students won’t pass the placement test with what’s provided at our school–I’m not sure why you dont believe me on this point. Other schools provide more advanced study. Ours doesn’t.
anon says
Agree with the MIT alum. I’m a Harvard alum who skipped two years in math during junior high (and was pretty average in college at math). There are definitely kids who will get there on their own due to inherent math talent. It’s fine if your kid isn’t one of those kids. My kids aren’t those kids! To say that no one will get there on their own extra help… just maybe reconsider this idea.
Anonymous says
Do you girl. Idk why you asked for opinions you clearly are not open to other perspectives.
Anon says
Maybe other people have kids who want to move ahead in math? I’d love the perspective of those middle school parents. I know I’m not the only parent with a math loving kid and asking other parents I know in person sounds braggy even when it’s not intended that way.
Anon says
My kids are younger but I was the kid who loved math and begged my parents (who are both math professors) to help me prepare for the screening test for advanced math in 7th grade. My parents refused. I got into the class anyway. Their decision is supported by research, and you could tell who in the class was prepped and who got in on their own ability. I’m sorry, but it’s just false that there are zero kids who can test into these classes without outside prep. They exist and they will run circles around the kids who were prepped.
Does your kid’s school have a math club or a competition program like MathCounts? That’s where I would look for math enrichment. The parent -as-tutor dynamic gets toxic fast.
Anon says
No. There are no such math enrichment programs through the schools. People pay private programs for in person math enrichment.
Anon says
In that case, if your kid is asking to do math outside of school, I would pay for a private math enrichment program that’s unrelated to this test. If your kid isn’t asking, don’t do anything. Academic extracurricular stuff is a little different than sports and arts. I don’t think parents should suggest it, even gently, because there can be a subconscious feeling of obligation.
Anon says
Getting her to the classes is logistical nightmare with soccer or basketball practice or whatever else she has going on, plus her sister’s soccer and girl scouts, etc. She also hates online classes as they tend to move too slowly. I’d been considering something self paced like Beast Adademy online. There are videos with lessons and challenging problems.
FVNC says
Our rising 4th grader has a summer workbook from her school as well as the 4th grade Brain Quest workbook (because she asked for it). School’s been out for a week and a half and she’s done nothing other than read. We’ll encourage her to work through her workbooks, but she likely won’t finish either.
This past year in 3rd grade, she had a classmate who was doing middle school math (like, he was receiving separate assignments; this was a private school which may have been able to be more flexible). So I don’t think it’s unheard of to want to provide supplemental math lessons provided your daughter wants them/is enthusiastic about them, and you’re not pressuring her.
Anon says
Math lessons for the sake of enrichment and fun are completely different than math lessons to pass a test.
Anonymous says
But you want her to pass a test. Because you’re toxically obsessed with one narrow minded viewpoint.
Anon says
I’ve never mentioned any test to her and won’t. In my mind it’s about access. I have no idea if she’ll pass the test as a 5th grader, but I know she won’t if she hasn’t seen those topics. If I get her a systematic math curriculum she can work at her own pace and maybe she’ll progress far enough to pass. If I don’t get her access to that content, she won’t.
I don’t want to try to have her cram for a test or try to learn content out of order. That wouldn’t be a good way to learn math. I’m also unimpressed by most math workbooks–it seems worth investing in quality materials if she wants to work ahead. If I give her access in 5th grade, she’ll learn little to no math at school for a whole year. If she has access in 4th, she can work at a pace of her choosing and continue to advance. She can decide how far she goes.
Anonymous says
I mean, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind, and you do you. But I’m curious what’s on this placement test. I remember taking a placement test when I moved to a new school district before middle school. It had all kinds of stuff I’d never seen before, but introduced new concepts in the instructions. Like “this symbol means ___” or “for the next set of problems, we are going to use the variable x ” (I had not done algebra in elementary school). I’m pretty good at math for a liberal arts major, and I figured it out and placed in the highest math class.
IME and from my teacher family and friends, math placement tests are assessing for “math sense,” more than previous learning. Especially in 5th grade! A college math placement test wants to know if you’ve retained trig and calculus so that you meet the prereqs, but a middle school one is trying to place you in a class where you can learn at your speed. Most people can’t spontaneously figure out trigonometry if they haven’t seen it before, but people who are good at math can pick up a new concept very quickly. Sure, if you’ve studied that topic before you’ll get the answers right, but they’re designed in such a way that kids who have an aptitude will end up on the appropriate track, even if the material is new.
Anon says
If your kid is already getting pull-out enrichment, can they do the more advanced curriculum then? Have you asked the teachers about that?
Anon says
No, the principal at our school doesn’t believe in accelerating students. That’s not true at other elementary schools that feed the same middle or high school.
NYCer says
+1. This is roughly our approach too. School workbook + Brain Quest for airplanes or other times she is bored. Similarly, we won’t put any pressure on her to finish it.
I also don’t think it is insane to offer supplemental math practice to a kid who likes math. Doesn’t seem *that* different than encouraging kids to practice reading.
Anonymous says
For summer, I have my rising first grader read 20 minutes per day (broken into two ten minute chunks typically), and a few times a week, she is required to write her numbers and letters (she still gets some backwards, and I feel like we need to correct that or at least not lose progress). I’m conisdering getting her a math workbook but not pushing it. Right now she thinks math is fun, so I’d like to have it for her to look at on her own schedule. I’m not going to push it because she is doing just fine in school.
Regarding your second question, for me, this would depend a lot on whether kiddo wanted to do the math. I wouldn’t force it, but if kiddo is interested, I’d support it.
Cb says
She might like an abacus? We have the ikea one and my son likes us to set him questions. I feel like it’s a super low pressure way of helping with numeracy.
Our preschool is doing coins right now and IDK this feels like a useless skill considering I’ve used cash 3x in the last 2 years.
Anonymous says
My rising 3rd grade girl LOVES math. She also loves sports and art and painting her nails. But like, right next to favorite food = ice cream is favorite thing about school= friends and math. She likes it bc she’s good at it and always has been.
She LOVED the $1 workbooks from target. she loves chess (we got her “no stress chess” right around 4/5 and she got it immediately and is a great player). There are some online games that are math-y and fun. She’s been asking about coding and we are going to let her start this summer (have put it off because we know she’ll love it). FWIW she’s also playing on a tennis team and a travel softball team this summer and doing 3 weeks of plain ol’ outside daycamp camp.
Hmmm says
Question 1: Do nothing. Let them be outside and be kids! It was different when schools were closed during the pandemic, but I don’t think there’s any need to continue making them doing school work when schools are closed now.
Question 2: I have no experience with this sort of “track”, so I don’t know, but I’d talk to your school about it. I would be careful about concluding that a 4th grader is going to go into a STEM field though. If you can, focus on letting her choose her own path without pressure from you telling her (even subtly) who she is supposed to be.
Spirograph says
OK…. The first comment is a little harsh, but yes, IMO it’s totally insane.
I have a rising 4th grader who enjoys and is very good at math, and he is not going to do any focused school work over the summer. He wants/needs a brain break, just like all of us, but lucky for him he’s still a kid and gets summer vacation! He did ask for coding classes, so we have a class pack at Code Ninjas and will take him occasionally.
This is what we do to keep math skills fresh:
Play board games.
Give him an allowance and let him budget his money
Play “24” (if you are unfamiliar with this math game, look it up, it’s super fun!)
When he, on his own initiative, writes math problems for himself, I check them for him.
We also read a lot. And we have big x grade workbooks for each kid that they can do if they feel like it. Rising 2nd grader loves these. Rising 1st and 4th graders are ambivalent but like to do them in the car if we’re not listening to an audiobook.
Just one take says
Kindly, you need to chill. Let her lead – if she wants to do sudokus etc, that’s great, but don’t push for formal schoolwork during the summer just because you already have concluded your 8 year old is going into a STEM field. Maybe you’re right! But there’s an equally good chance that pushing her too hard is going to burn her out.
There is a lot of research now on how kids who are in high-achieving schools have similar risks to kids who live in poverty when it comes to mental illness and behavior problems. Stress is stress, and your elementary school kiddo should not be stressed out about getting on the right “track” in middle school so she can take the right high school math classes. The outdoor camps are great and she is learning there too. The point at this age is to let the brain grow and form pathways so that it can learn quickly and effectively later.
anon says
We read. That is literally it. What you’re describing is not something I want for my kids.
Lyssa says
I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re doing that, while (I assume) also working a reasonably demanding job. (And I say that as someone with a stay-at-home-spouse and more time then most, though there’s no way I could convince him to do this.) We encourage reading and educational games, but that’s about it. (That’s all I ever did as a kid.) We’e planning a trip to Mexico next month and I was wanting to “assign” them to do some research on the area’s history and culture, because I thought that could be interesting and beneficial, but I’m not even sure I’ll really make that happen.
I mean no disrespect- good for you not for me (and, to be fair, my kids were in real school the entire last 2 school years, so I feel pretty good about their progress), but that’s a lot more then I’ve ever imagined.
Amy says
Nothing we do over the summer is to prevent “summer slip” specifically, it’s just a continuation of our family culture and activities. I.e., our kids read for fun, and we read to them before bed every night. We keep Brain Quest activity books around the house, and they’ll pick those up just like they would a coloring book, board game or puzzle. Both my kids tested into the gifted program at school. In sum: it is not that deep.
Anonymous says
If other parents were using corporal punishment, would you do it too? Just b/c you believe that other people are parenting in a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea.
The reason your post reads as toxic is b/c it sounds like you are prioritizing competitive outcomes over the wellbeing of your own children. Take a step back. Is that really who you want to be?
Anon says
Agreed.
Anon says
Really, I disagree. I did what I had to do to keep my kids learning during the pandemic. It sucked, but schools weren’t functioning. I find it insane that others consider this toxic. In our area 40-60% of elementary students tested below grade level in reading this spring. I did what I had to do for my kids when schools weren’t.
My summer plans were to have the kids to a couple pages in a BrainQuest workbook every day. That seems in line with what some other parents are doing. Cool. Both kids already read on their own. We already play lots of board games for fun.
On the third point I haven’t heard from anyone with an older kid who wants to accelerate in math. There’s some assumption that I’m pushing, when I was really just trying to provide access so she isn’t limited by a lack of content. I don’t want her limited when it’s an area that she likes and wants to learn more. I also want her to learn math in a systematic way that doesn’t leave holes that cause her to struggle later. Workbooks from Amazon don’t have quality content.
Will it take some parent involvement for her to start the math curriculum? Yes, I’ll be the one to find materials that look appropriate. I’ll have to purchase them. I’ll make sure she isn’t skipping around in a way that keeps her from comprehending the harder topics. I may teach a bit in areas when she gets stuck. But I’ll also have her pace herself. I’m not pushing. I’m just no longer holding her back from working ahead.
It’s great if other elementary schools offer paths to accelerate. Ours doesn’t. How would you feel if your student who loved math was facing two more years of elementary math with almost no learning or challenge? I’m looking forward to middle school when they start leveling kids and I no longer feel tasked with keeping her learning.
Anonymous says
No one is mad about your pandemic parenting. It’s looking forward that is utterly unhinged.
Anon says
A couple of BrainQuest worksheets per day?
Allowing my 4th grader to work ahead in math at her pace? (With parent selected quality materials)
Anon says
Yeah, you’re conflating two things here. Your pandemic parenting sounds fine and no one has criticized it. Your plans for the future are insane.
If your kid loves math, nurture that love of math. No one is saying kid can’t do math enrichment if she’s asking. But the focus on getting her to pass the test is toxic and indicates you’ve been swept up in this competitive parenting trend.
Anon says
The focus on the test is me trying to be cognizant of how the system works. Our county is a bit insane in that schools in the more affluent areas prep students better. I’m in a more middle class neighborhood and we don’t have the same track record of middle school math placement. I wanted my kid to have a diverse school, but don’t think that means she shouldn’t have the option of taking Calc in high school.
Anonymous says
The thing is, public schools have to meet kids where they are. If most kids are behind now, which I think is true nationwide, they are going to teach at the level most kids are at. Continuing to try to accelerate your daughter isn’t necessarily going to help her – she’s competing against her peers, not peers of pre-pandemic.
Anon says
Most of the country wasn’t closed as long as schools here.
Anon says
But her peers are in your schools and all dealt with the same closure.
Anonymous says
I’m in MOCO and guess what – “Grade level” is completely arbitrary and made up. Educational standards are made up. Your kid will be fine. Outside play and exercise and sunshine INCREASE brain function, shockingly even more than worksheets do.
Anon says
Students in the more affluent areas had pods and tutors. There’s a huge delta across the county.
Anon says
I’m not running a gulag. She’s outside with friends 10+ hours a day in the summer between camps and trips to the pool and playground. She does Brainquest worksheets and/or math for 20-30 minutes some nights at the counter while I make dinner. She reads in the morning when she wakes up and before bed of her own choosing. It’s not a onerous life.
Mary Moo Cow says
I can only answer to 1 because I have elementary kids: Starting with rising 1st graders, our school requires 20 minutes of reading, 5 days a week (no, there’s no way to check that, but they do have a log for kids to log and rate at least one book a week, to be turned in the first week of school), and 9 math problems a month, also due in the first week of school. The math work isn’t super challenging; it is meant to be a reminder of skills learned over the academic year. In addition, the school gave us summer bridge workbooks, just because. Reading is no problem (we read at bedtime nightly anyway) and we usually wait until the last week of the month (…or the last week of the last month) to do all the math problems at once. We’re having our babysitter do a few workbook pages with the kids twice a week (15 minutes, max), and the kids enjoy the Brainquest worksheets until about mid- August. We’re also trying to be mindful of incorporating math and science into our daily lives, like baking and cooking with the kids, doing discount math aloud when shopping, etc.
As another poster said, my kids were in physical school for the past two years, so I also feel good about their academic progress. Summer, to me, is a time to mostly rest and recharge but it is long enough (almost 3 solid months, here) to do light academic work to keep skills up and so the transition to school is a bit smoother. 15 minutes a day of worksheets a few times a week and daily reading would be enough for me on top of camp.
Anonymous says
I have a rising 3rd grader who will turn 9 in September, who was given 5th grade math this year to work on. She has been called out as far ahead of her peers academically, and specifically in math (yesterday’s report card: “[child] has a strong interest in and an aptitude for math well beyond her peers”). You are 100% bonkersauce crazy. My kids will read over the summer. That’s it. Actually, they may play chess and checkers at the pool when it’s raining because they like it and so do some of their friends.
signed,
Dh is a math genius, I was always good at school, our kids will be fine and we don’t want to make them crazy people.
Anon says
In our area, your kid would be considered redshirted. She’s far ahead of peers because she’s older. I’d take that praise with some context.
My kid is the same age and a rising 4th grader. She’s also working above grade level and had a fabulous report card. Your point?
Anon says
The fact that you feel the need to take other posters’ kids down a peg is really gross and gives a lot of context to your desire to push your kid ahead.
If your kid is as smart as you think she is, she’ll get tracked into advance math without any pushing on your end. Which, great! If she needs all this extra help to get in she doesn’t belong in this class and pushing to get her there will only do her a disservice.
Anon says
There’s a level of frustration with being called 100% bonkersauce crazy while listening to her brag about her child. I avoided bragging about my child in the initial post because it comes off poorly. I’m not focused on her achievement (i.e., her report card) as much as her continued growth.
Anon says
She said her kid was working above grade level in math. You said the same thing about your kid. I’m confused about why she’s bragging and you’re not.
Maybe instead of getting defensive you should consider that everyone has a point? A lot of people here have experience with academically accelerated kids.
Anonymous says
You did not avoid bragging about your child!!!!!
Anonymous says
Wow, how is this response not toxically competitive? Get a grip. Your poor child.
Anonymous says
OP asked the group: ” Is it totally insane to have my 8 yo start doing an advanced math curriculum at home as a rising 4th grader?”
When people respond yes, it is totally insane, she’s super defensive. I get that it isn’t the response she expected but when a room full of what I can only imagine are at least vaguely high achieving people (and apparently who have fairly bright kids) respond “yes, that’s crazy” i think it’s worth listening. Or ignoring. but in that case why even ask?
Anon says
Part of what I’ve realized through this thread is that our elementary school isn’t doing its job. Students elsewhere are generally given the opportunity to continue to advance if they are ready.
Many years our elementary school doesn’t place a single student in advanced 6th grade math when other schools in the county from more affluent areas are placing dozens. I shouldn’t have to supplement for my daughter to get a shot at being in the advanced math class.
Anonymous says
OP, related to your comment about the school not doing its job– what do the teachers say? this might be a great opportunity to connect with the math team at your kid’s school and ask these very important questions. “Why haven’t a single child been placed in advanced math?”
HSAL says
This seems a little defensive. I mean, redshirting depends on the area. Our school cutoff is August 1, and my kid will turn 9 in October of third grade. I don’t think being the oldest in the class gives an academic boost by mid-elementary school.
I simply took her point to be responding to what else math-oriented kids might be doing.
Anon says
I’ll own it was defensive. I’ll also admit to being hurt at being called a toxic parent over and over when I’ve worked my tush off for my kids over the past two years. I’ve done everything I could to make it fun.
Do I know too much about their schooling? Yes, the pandemic sucked and I became 100% responsible for them learning anything at all. I now know all about how they learn and where they need to be challenged. Was this my choice? No, but here we are. I now also know my 4th grader is going to spend next year bored out of her mind in math. I’d like to get her into an advanced class in middle school because she needs it to keep learning, but also know from 5th grade parents that our elementary has a terrible placement record. Do I feel compelled to try to solve this for her? Yes. Does that involve passing a math test? Yes. Apparently that makes me toxic and kids are supposed to learn math from no where even when their school is not doing its job. Anything less makes my kid a dunce who can’t do math.
I’m trying hard to find a balanced approach here. Moving to a better school is one option, but the housing market is a mess. Private schools are super competitive right now. In person classes are logistically challenging and seem stressful. Ignoring the issue means she won’t be challenged in math for a long long time as there’s not an option to move between tracks. I am trying to sort out an option that isnt loony. Being called toxic over and over isn’t helping.
Spirograph says
Hi OP, I feel your frustration coming through the screen and of course it hurts to be called toxic. I suggest you bookmark this thread and read it again next week with as much detachment as you can muster. The way you phrased the original question, and some of your follow-ups have come across as, “How do I make sure my kid is The Best?” when the questions I think you really want the answer to is “how can I support my daughter’s interest in math and keep her options open for the future?” There’s nothing objectively wrong with your plan to have her do a couple brainquest sheets a day and have a math book with more advanced lessons available, it’s your perceived achievement fixation that people are reacting to. It shouldn’t be about your kid compared to everyone else’s kids from the affluent neighborhood, it should be about your kid now compared to where she wants to go.
It sounds like you did a great job with pandemic schooling when public schools dropped the ball. But now that in-person school is back, it might be healthy for your relationship with your daughter if you took a slightly more passive approach to her learning. There’s probably a teacher supply store somewhere near you (a quick google tells me there’s a Lakeshore Learning in Alexandria); take her to browse! Let her pick out some workbooks, or math and logic based activities, and leave them in plain sight (or better yet, play the games with her). Maybe set up a system where she can earn a reward if she chooses to complete a chapter in the workbook. Then sit back. You can lead a horse to water… Your job as a parent is to be supportive and make learning easily accessible, not to force. If she’s burnt out, a mental break (and feeling like she has control and choice in her life) might be better for future academic achievement than pushing through the summer.
And honestly, if she doesn’t make it into your preferred math class, you can take this same approach in 6th grade: keep fun and enriching materials at home to supplement if school isn’t challenging her enough.
Anon says
Very wise words from Spirograph. Please take this comment to heart, OP.
Anon says
Spirograph, Thanks for the comment. I disagree that I’m in anyway trying to have my child be the best. I have no idea how other kids in her class perform. I’ve never asked and never compared. In my mind middle school math placement is about finding a good fit and as I understand it, is an objective standard. You have to get a certain score.
To the extent I’m defending her here, it’s against the notion that she’s a no so good math student or lacks potential because she didn’t learn to divide fractions or exponents out of thin air as a 6 and 7 yo while at home during the pandemic. She did teach herself all sorts of things from rubiks cubes to chess to cryptography. But I gave her access to materials on those topics when she showed interest. She would have learned more math if the materials were available to her, but I was trying not to have her get too far ahead so we did other things instead.
I do object to kid selected Lakeshore learning books because the whole point of my post is that if I’m going to let her accelerate herself in math, I want her to follow a solid curriculum. I don’t want her to learn bits piecemeal and then have holes later. We’ve been doing random fun workbooks that suit her interest and they’re fine. But they’re not comprehensive. If she’s going to work further ahead, I feel like it’s doing her a disservice to give her shoddy materials. I moved around a bunch as a kid and know how hard it is when you have random gaps in your math knowledge. (I’m fine with random workbooks to practice existing skills, just not to accelerate.)
She also doesn’t need incentives to do more math. She enjoys doing math and will work ahead on her own if given the option. I’ll let her self pace (with me checking that she doesn’t skip past harder topics leaving holes in her understanding). It’s a big shift for me to let her move farther ahead–thus far any enrichment at home was about fun and depth of understanding so she would have a strong math foundation.
Anon says
You may not know which kids in her class are good at math but you’re doing a LOT of comparing in these comments – comparing your kid to other poster’s kids, comparing your elementary school to others in your district, favorably comparing your kid to her classmates by age (which is completely irrelevant by 4th grade, as a few others said).
I don’t think anyone said your daughter isn’t a good math student or lacks potential; most of the comments are saying pretty much the opposite. How much do you know about what is actually on this test? There’s certainly a spectrum in terms of how well they execute it, but these tests normally aim to identify math ability rather than subject matter knowledge which means that kids who haven’t been exposed to specific material aren’t necessarily at a huge disadvantage.
The only thing you said that makes me sympathetic to your desire to teach at home (which was only mentioned in a follow up comment, not your OP) is that your elementary school basically never gets kids into this district-wide advanced class. I think that is an issue that needs to be dug into more with your daughters’ teachers and the administration of your school. I agree that fact without context is concerning, but I don’t think it’s beneficial to try to fix it at home. For one thing, even with all your home prep and her very high ability, if her elementary coursework is lacking she may still be under-prepared for the class, and struggling with the subject matter (even if there’s a good reason) may put her off math long term. Please do not underestimate how much struggling with a subject can make kids (anecdotally, girls especially) hate it forever.
I’m also curious why you haven’t responded to the many comments urging you to ease up on your expectations that she’s likely to join you in STEM. At this age you really shouldn’t have any opinions about what her future career is likely to be – she has almost her entire life in front of her to discover her passions. That issue is as or more important than the test prep issue IMO.
Anon says
Also note that your question was literally “Is it totally insane to have my 8 yo start doing an advanced math curriculum at home as a rising 4th grader?” so while I don’t think it’s particularly kind for people to reply that yes, you’re insane…you asked. I’m pretty sure you would have gotten vastly different responses if you said “Does anyone have suggestions for math enrichment on XYZ subject my 8 year old could do for fun with some of her downtime this summer?” One of the things that I’ve noticed over a decade of reading here and the main page is that subtle variations in the phrasing of the question lead to completely different responses. It’s so interesting to me from a sociological perspective.
Anon says
I haven’t responded to the posts about pushing her into STEM because it’s a non-issue. I’m not doing that in any way. My comment about a career in STEM was more of a hunch and context for what she likes than any longing on my part. She can be whoever she wants to be. We also value all sorts of non-STEM stuff in our house too. I just didn’t feel a need to type out a laundry list of all of the other things she’s tried so far.
Anon says
The placement test isn’t an aptitude test, but an inventory of all the common core math standards they want a kid to know before moving on to other topics. If you don’t do extra math outside of school your kid won’t know things like dividing fractions, multiplying exponents, long division with decimals, etc. It’s very specific.
Anonymous says
Wow OP you’re giving Amy Chua vibes hard here.
Anon says
Serious tiger mom vibes.
FVNC says
I sense a lot of anxiety about OP wanting the best for her daughter in a competitive school system and maybe not knowing the right way to go about supporting her daughter. Which I empathize with, as someone whose kids will be starting public school in the DC-area after being in small, private (100% in-person) schools in another part of the country for the past 2 years.
Based on what I’ve heard from teachers in a few NoVA districts, the tracking is real and starts early. I hope that’s not totally true. The commenters seem to universally agree that extracurricular math isn’t needed, and I tend to agree. But presenting the daughter with extra math as one of several options for things to do this summer seems fine to me (“honey, here’s information about a math program if you’re interested. We’ll go to the library to get some fun books for you to read this weekend. Also, did you want a play date with Friend sometime soon?”). It would be problematic to me, if OP’s daughter expressed no interest in math or a supplemental program, and OP continued to push it. If that’s the case (and it doesn’t sound like it is) I agree she should back off.
Anon says
And this is why I moved away from the DC area before having kids. Not interested in child raising as a competitive sport and I know how easy it is to get caught up in it and feel like your kid won’t be successful if you don’t.
But to the OP, truly, there are always chances for enrichment. If it happens that she doesn’t get into the advanced math track and she wants to accelerate she can take a summer community college class in HS or something. And she’ll probably be stronger for forging her own path based on her own desires. It’ll be fine if she doesn’t get into advanced math; there’s basically no scenario where that ruins her life. It won’t necessarily be fine if she’s a neurotic burned out mess at 16 because she’s spent the last eight years trying to keep up with people who treat their children like tiny achievement machines.
Anonymous says
I think you are pretty defensive about…everything. My kid is old for her class but not red shirted and she’s nowhere near the oldest. Redshirting is huge in our district so she’s in maybe the top third age-wise. There are boys in her class/grade that turned 9 already in May/June that will be heading into 3rd. My youngest has a late August b’day and is the youngest in her class but also doing great academically.
FWIW the #2 kid in her class for math is also the youngest :).
Anon says
It’s insane you’re ranking rising third grader’s performance in math and know which kid is #2. Pot calling kettle? I have no idea how other kids in her class are doing at math or any subject because it’s none of my business.
Anonymous says
Yes.
Anonymous says
1 – None, and 2 – Yes, absolutely.
Look, I took AP Calculus BC as an 11th grader and got a 5. I never did any math in the summer or took test prep; my family is just good at math. My brothers are software engineers but I went on to go to art school, never did any math in college at all, and went on to live a happy and productive life. Let your kid spend the summer building the social and life skills they actually need and save on therapy bills later.
Also, I spent my first 9 years in Montgomery County, then moved to FL and went to a top rated gifted public school for the rest of my school career (like US News top 10 list school), and now live in NYC and send my kid to public school. My husband teaches at one of the specialized high schools. None of my friends ever had summer work, nor do my parents friends assign it, nor does my husband think we should for our son to get into his competitive STEM school. I promise not everyone is this crazy and you really don’t have to participate.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I had a visceral reaction and then chuckled when I read “Calculus BC” – not personal to you, just…I hated calculus so much!!!! And I could name the 2 classmates of mine that took Calculus BC as juniors in HS – I just thought they were like genius-level smart.
I thought I hated math, majored in Finance in college/went on to law school, and now am in a very analytics/data based role (that I love). I wonder how much I told myself as a teen that I was “not good at math” vs. actually just not having confidence.
GCA says
If the placement test is in spring of 5th grade, let her lead and let her interests evolve until spring of 5th grade. But don’t let your identity as a parent be tied up with your child taking middle school advanced math with a specific outcome (entering a STEM field). This is about her, not about you.
There is also a wider point about encouraging girls in STEM fields, but the way there is not a push, it’s a pull. Let her see how math is beautiful and powerful — that with math you can design buildings or better transport or ways to diagnose illness. It’s the kids who see that who grow into adults who can find a lifetime’s worth of purpose in STEM.
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is toxic. As an ESL kid who had to work 3x as hard with 1/3 of the resources… I think you are right to provide your kid with extra opportunities. I would not push too hard on anything she doesn’t want to do, but at that age I would have been so so happy with what you’re suggesting. Instead I was copying words out of books at the library all summer to improve my spelling and vocabulary because I was so embarrassed about it. I always felt behind the middle class kids who had tutors, sports and music lessons…
Now, as a parent of an elementary school kid, we do an outdoor camp, music lessons, swim lessons, 2 pages a day in the brain quest book, and reading every day. If my kid showed a particular interest in something I would not hesitate to put more resources into it — whether that’s extra lessons, or whatever So far all she is really passionate about is Pokémon… I fully expect her to be a world expert Pokémon trainer in another year or so :)
EB0220 says
My kids do zero work in the summer. I strongly believe that the brain needs a break and that is the best thing I can do for them. I’m willing to accept summer slide. They read and that’s it.
Anon says
Spring of the next school year is such a long time from now. What about letting summer just be for fun and whatever math she independently asks or tries to do (including chess and sudoku and whatnot), and save the structured exposure to higher math for next school year?
Anon says
I really feel for your 4th grader that you have already decided her career path. Hope she becomes an artist or an English professor!
Anonymous says
I was a kid who was both very good at school (especially math and science) and very interested in it. The single best thing my parents did for me was make my summers completely non-academic. It really was a huge gift to have that mental break, even for a kid who was super interested in academic stuff. I did some academic summer camps beginning in 8th or 9th grade but that was entirely self-driven and I did stuff that was off the normal school track (e.g., astronomy not calculus).
On the flip side, my parents had unwritten expectations that I would follow them into STEM and it really messed me up. I ended up leaving STEM and doing something completely unrelated because I hated the college major I chose to please my parents. I think if I hadn’t had those unwritten expectations I might have found my own path to a different STEM field or at least something adjacent. So please please please work hard to counter your expectations that she will pursue STEM just because she’s good at it. It sounds counterintuitive but pushing girls to pursue STEM, even very subtly, often backfires and makes them less likely to pursue it.
SC says
I haven’t read all the comments, but my take is that the attitude is crazy.
It’s not crazy to sit down with your 8 yo and learn some fun, conceptual math, if she’s motivated. It wouldn’t be crazy to find her a math team or chess team to participate in. But it’s crazy to do anything for an 8 year old to get them into advanced placement in high school, or to make sure they make the high school varsity sports team, or any other equivalent. You have 5 years until high school starts.
My husband has taught our son some complicated math, but the motivation comes from our son. He doesn’t necessarily say, “Let’s sit down so you can teach me math,” but it comes up in building, games, or just questions he asks. DH will explain, and the kid is fascinated by the answers, so they keep going. (As opposed to other times when he asks questions about history or what he hears about the news, then tunes out the answer and interrupts with a total non sequitur.)
Anon says
I agree with a lot of what’s been said, but mainly I think you’re just worrying about this way too far in advance. The placement test is almost two years away! In the fall of fifth grade I’d talk to her teacher about what the appropriate placement for middle school is and what if anything your or child need to be doing to ensure she gets the right placement.
HSAL says
A aggressively “mom” fanny pack review – I’m obsessed with the Baggalini one. Five exterior zipped compartments, an interior zipper, card slots, chapstick holder. Adjustable strap so it can be a crossbody or fanny pack, and my favorite part is the biggest compartment holds my giant-a$$ sunglasses case or snacks. Five stars.
Anonymous says
I’ll hop in and review the Calpak one I just got — it’s a little smaller than I expected but it holds my large wallet, phone, 2 diapers and a small pack of wipes, house keys, car keys, pack of tissues, and sunscreen stick easily. It’s oddly padded on the outside, not sure why, but I don’t mind it. It’s easy to wear as a crossbody or as a fanny pack. It’s become my go-to. I got it in lime green, and I really love the color.
GCA says
While we’re on the topic, my nylon Dakine classic hip pack ($13-15 online) is a smidge too big for petite me, but on a recent art museum trip it held one kid waterbottle, my sunglasses, and a full complement of snacks so I’m not going to complain too much!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m 100% bragging – I was an early adopter to this trend and I cannot say enough about my very 90’s patterned Jansport fanny pack (not even going to call it a belt bag). It’s one of the best purchases I’ve made.
Anonymous says
Can ya’ll tell me some potty training success stories? I’m the poster who tried to train last weekend (BLF method), and while I think we set up a good foundation it was not a success. He’s 33 months, so I thought he was plenty ready, but he just holds everything until nap/bedtime.
Anonymous says
Lololol bless I read this as he’s 33 and was like “wow this is beyond our expertise “
Anonymous says
Definitely most kids get it by age 33! Barely, but they make it!
Anon says
I don’t know, my husband pees on the seat so much I don’t really consider him fully potty trained.
Anon says
I don’t consider us a success story because we had an incredibly brutal experience and my kid wasn’t trained until very late (3.75) but we did get there eventually. No one goes to kindergarten in diapers, and once you get past it the age you achieved it doesn’t really matter. The odds are like 99.9% your experience will be smoother than ours, but even if you fall into that 0.1% you’ll survive.
anonamama says
I’m sorry the outcome was not what you hoped! We’re starting BLF method on Friday. LO is just a month younger than yours. What did you think of it?
anonM says
Hey Anonymous! I’d try again in a few months. We tried with my son at 2, and had to just stop and wait — ended up waiting nearly a year. In the meantime, you can consistently offer for him try to use the potty before leaving for an errand and before bedtime and nap time. It is really ok to take a break from it until he’s ready, and it will go much better! Our first time trying was SO hard, but the second time went much better, and our even-more-relaxed approach with DD went better than that. So my takeaway from my sample size of 2 is to just break if you need to. You’re doing just fine, and if he’s potty trained at 3 instead of 2, it will all be fine.
Mary Moo Cow says
My first child was a dream, trained in 3 days at age 2.5. My second child, well, that took two rounds and didn’t happen until she was 3. So here’s a success story after a “failure:” we used “Potty Training in Three Days” book. After a week of almost never going on the toilet, we called it and waited 4 more months. We started right after she turned 3. (I should mention here that our pediatrician may have tamped down an eye roll when we complained potty training was not going well at 2.5 years old.) The second round was better, but not great. I paid for a consultation with the book’s author, who saw it as a power and control/behavioral issue, not a physical issue. Based on her advice, we relaxed a bit, re-instituted the sticker chart, and really and truly let her take the lead. We let her wear Pull-Ups, kept daycare in the loop, and in a few weeks, she was totally trained. She stayed dry and used the toilet at daycare for about two weeks before she did so at home. Once the reward chart was filled, we celebrated and then quietly took it down, and she didn’t make a fuss. So, from relaxing to night training was about 6 weeks, and it was a two steps forward and one back, but we got there.
Anonymous says
I could never tell my son was “ready” – he didn’t seem to be to me. Shortly after he turned 3, daycare pushed to start trying and claimed to have good success. Meanwhile he was having constant poo accidents at home. (This child was never in his life constipated). Pee accidents are NBD, but poo….we could not take it. He would poo in the tub and always seemed as surprised as we were, which convinced us he just did not have great awareness of this. We backed off and tried again until he was 3.5, when it worked better. We never did a no pants intensive or anything; we live in a small apartment and I just can’t imagine spending 3 days indoors. (I would have rather used diapers for 6 more months than that honestly). He still had frequent small accidents for …. years really, but got a lot better when was 8 or 9. Some kids are just better at this than others. Or some parents maybe. But like baby sleep, just because books say something will work doesn’t mean it actually will. It all sounds workable on paper.
Anon says
You are me two years when I was training my 2.5 year old. I used the oh crap method which I understand is what BLF adopted.
The books, videos all make it seem like it’s over in 3 days and poof! Your kid is potty trained. I learned that potty training is a marathon, not a sprint.
Some kids pee a lot and other kids can hold it for hours. My daughter is the latter and can hold it for HOURS. I’ve learned to relax the pushing to get her to try and go potty because that often resulted in pushback. The one suggestion I have is to try to up the fluids to get them to pee more during the day. My daughter primarily drank milk and not much water and before potty training I never realized how much she wasn’t peeing. We made a compromise and she has flavored water which in turns forces her to pee more which results in more potty practice during the day.
Hang in there! Potty training has been my least favorite parenting thing so far and i hardly ever think about my 4 yo potty habits anymore besides “let’s try and go potty before we leave”
Anon says
Yes, my daughter has what I believe is the world’s largest toddler bladder and I think that was one of our potty training obstacles. All the juice in the world wasn’t getting her to pee frequently and we were probably making her try way too often. Even now (as a fully potty trained 4 year old who has no issues using public toilets) she only pees twice a day, three times a day at most. She doesn’t seem to be dehydrated – her pee is pale yellow to clear. Her ped says she likely just has a giant bladder and it’s not something to worry about. The good news is once you accomplish potty training, a giant bladder makes life very easy! I pee more frequently than my kid does on road trips, and I have a pretty big bladder myself.
Anon says
22 month old gets his Covid shot at cvs tomorrow! 🙌🏻
Mrs. Jones says
So happy for you and all other parents of young ones!!
Anonymous says
Woohoo! Our local health department just announced that they’ll start scheduling appointments later this afternoon. I managed to snag an appointment at a local-ish pharmacy that’s actually vaccinating <3s for two weeks from now, but I'm hoping to get something a little sooner and/or closer. Ped's office still doesn't know when they'll get their shipment.
Anon says
Yay congrats! For those who live in Arlington, VA and are trying to get an appointment, I called the county health department today because the website wouldn’t let me make an appointment online and they called me back within a couple hours and scheduled us for Friday! You can pick which vaccine but subject to availability. At this point, will take either.
IVF Anon says
I’ve posted a few times here before. One of the resident IVF’ers. In summary: I have one 4 year old and a Big Job. 38 years old and trying for #2 for approaching 3 years. Multiple MCs, a horrible ectopic scare/MC back in the fall, and more heartbreak than there are words to convey. A highly supportive DH, to boot. I’m grateful.
Anyway, I feel the need to tell the anonymous internet land: I think I’ve decided that I’m done with treatments. Like, done. Full stop. No snoozing 30 days, or 3 months. But, just… done. Time to focus on me. Go on vacation. Stop living cycle to cycle, test result to result. Lose the weight. Buy the clothes. Do the things. The way I’ve been living the last three years – grasping for air between the bad news – is no way to live at all. Kids are resilient, but I’m tired of explaining to my 4 year old why mommy is sad, again.
I’m feeling somewhere between numb, guilty and absolutely liberated. I have 6 genetically normal embryos that I’m leaving behind, which feels like an absurd thing to do. My prognosis is oddly positive, despite the recurring failures. But, I just can’t any longer. I will continue to pay for their storage in the alternate universe where I decide to change my mind in a few years – that’s the only thread of hope I’m willing to hang on to. DH has left the final-final decision to me and I’m readying to tell him tonight. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of something I never had, but I’m tired of chasing a ghost at the expense of the living.
That’s really it. It’s a life changing decision really only a handful of people in my locus will know about. So, I’m telling all of you. Thanks for providing this space.
Anon says
Choosing yourself is a beautiful thing. I am happy for you!
Anonymous says
Good for you. I think you’re absolutely making the right decision. Thinking of you on this hard road.
Anonanonanon says
I am so sorry this resulted in an outcome you did not want, but I’m so glad for you that you’ve found peace and acceptance.
And man, your 4-year-old is on the verge of becoming a functioning human. Y’all will get to go to so many places and do so many things soon! A 5-year-old is a world of difference compared to a 4-year-old when it comes to traveling, etc. I hope you can book a really fun trip of a lifetime!
Anon says
as someone with two 4 year olds, i needed to read this today.
Anon says
+1 One 4 year old here and life is getting soooo good. You will make so many wonderful memories with your kid.
Cb says
Yep, same! I am sorry this hasn’t worked out the way you wanted but if you want only child anecdata, I’m here with a steady supply.
anon says
I really agree. Five was a great age.
Anon says
are you the poster who recently got the big promotion? or the one who is partner track in big law with a stay at home DH? either way, kudos to you for making a decision that feels good for you!
OP says
Big promotion poster. At first I thought the hesitancy to stop was job related, which is a perfectly fine reason (albeit really unfair, in my opinion) to choose to stop treatments. But the more I thought about it, talked to DH and some trusted friends, this all pre-dated the promotion. The promotion has made me frankly just be more honest with myself about All The Feelings. The professional trajectory I’m on is part of the decision making, somewhere mid-list on the pro side of the pro/con list for stopping, but not anywhere as close to the top as maybe I thought it was.
Anon says
thanks for following up! i’m a little surprised in that you seemed fairly certain you wanted to keep trying for baby #2 and figure it out with the promotion, but i am SO thrilled for you and your family with this decision. go be awesome at your new role, support women who get pregnant at ‘inconvenient’ times, and live an awesome life with your 4 year old!
OP says
I think that once I decided I could still do both – job and IVF, which that post and this community helped me realize… I still didn’t want to do the IVF. Like, allowing myself to go all-in on the new job didn’t fix the underlying dread and misery of IVF. It impacting the job was just the tip of the iceberg of things it was impacting, which I came to realize.
I really appreciate the support!
Anon says
I went through fertility issues for only a year before throwing in the towel on trying for #2. Can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to do it for 3 years.
I definitely understand all the feelings you are going through and I still waffle back and forth between relief and mourning 6 months out from making up my mind.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
anon says
I am happy for you. Fertility issues are so draining, and it’s nearly impossible to not put your life on hold to some extent while dealing with that. Feel all the feelings!
Mrs. Jones says
Good for you. I fully support this decision.
Anonymous says
I so, so wish I had taken a break during the time I was trying to get pregnant and having miscarriages. I just went from one to the next, super stressed, too nervous to even have a glass of wine. This sounds like the right choice. Enjoy living, enjoy your family! <3
Pogo says
biggest hugs to you, from a fellow IVFer.
Anon says
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but congrats on making a decision and moving forward. Choosing yourself is beautiful as someone else said.
It might be controversial, but I also think this is the right choice for your child. I’m an only child with a lot of only child friends and anecdotally those of us who had parents who had chosen or accepted this path had very happy childhoods. The kids who felt sad or lonely were the ones whose parents never stopped trying and were open about feeling like the family was incomplete. Your child is still young enough that she won’t remember the struggles of the last few years.
anon says
We also just decided to stop after learning on Monday that our latest FET failed. Instead, we’re focusing on the travel plans we can now make for this fall and winter (covid-willing), knowing that we don’t have to work around pregnancy and newborn days and can instead just focus on what’s fun for us and our 5yo. It’s sad, but also freeing to not be in limbo anymore.
Anon says
I get it. Running your life on 28-day cycles of getting your hopes up, getting them dashed, then doing it all over again – and again – and again – is exhausting. Making sacrifices now for a future than may or may not ever come about is just a constant reminder of what you don’t have. This is a great decision for you and your family. I hope it brings you peace.
Anony says
Good for you for making the choice that feels right to you. I’m in a similar-but-not-quite-the-same place – my three-year old is an IVF baby, and after finding out that this road would be even more medically difficult for us if we tried again, we decided to just not even go there. I know in my gut this was the right decision for us every morning when I’m having breakfast and coloring with my kiddo instead of running to an appointment at the RE. It’s also been really healing to not be frustrated with my body all the time. I do still wonder what could have been, but I wonder that about other things in my life too, and it’s not a sad thought anymore.
anonamama says
Internet stranger hug, OP. I am glad you reached a peaceful decision and I hope you find comfort with your body, life and family size that you seek. Buy the clothes now! And celebrate what a badass lady, mom and SVP you are!!
Anon fellow IVFer says
I’m proud of you for making the right choice for you and for your family.
Anon says
I’m happy for you too! I know it’s a hard decision to come to. I went through a similar thought process. Enjoy some champagne when telling your hubs. All the best to you!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Everyone has said all the things, so I will just say – YOU GO GIRL. I’ve thought about you and your posts often – especially since your big promotion. Sending you love and happiness vibes.
Cb says
We had our primary school induction evening last night and I liked the school/vibe so much more than I thought I would. We are coming from a unicorn preschool (state run, not fancy but this amazing ethos, forest school etc) and I was struggling with the idea of a massive (for the UK, 5 year one classes) school. The leadership team were great, the curriculum is all play based (although could be more outdoorsy) and his teacher seems really warm but also no nonsense, which is a dynamic my son really appreciates.
Thanks for talking me through things last week!
Anon says
Hooray!
Anon says
i keep trying to cut back on the amount of TV my kids are watching after a heavy illness May (we spent 4/5 weekends in May at home sick), and then one kid spiked a fever again, DH is working on a deal so I’m doing lots of solo parenting. There is a small part of me that misses the pandemic bubble
Anon says
cross posting an offer
it’s been over a week since I have read regularly, feels longer. love to those who had a tough father’s day.
I’ve seen posts about weight gain and struggle and clothes for awhile,I hope the following will help those struggling.
for Reasons, I’m cleaning out many many items from.workwear closet mostly in the 16 and XL sizes but some smaller including L and M. lots of pants!
I’ve posted the name brand and NWT on poshmark. if you are struggling with finances and need new work clothes please leave a note that just says rette in the listing you like. I’ll help you.
my posh account is gss5.
anonamama says
this is so kind of you! this was me back in Oct, penny pinching and trying to level up a wardrobe for a new job. following you now – beautiful stuff :)
Anon says
if you need anything please comment and is yours
Anon says
comment on it and it’s yours
Anon says
comment on what you need and it’s yours
Nonny says
“rette” here., Black Shacket would be very helpful to look a little more polished. Circumstances are somewhat rough right now so i greatly appreciate your generousity! please let me know how to get my address and or email to you. I have not used poshmark so I was not able to successfully get a message to you on it.
screaming into the void says
My rising Ker is having some major anger issues lately, with lots of hitting and kicking (particularly of me and his little bro).
I have to fire someone this week. It’s warranted, and he knows it’s coming, and we’re doing all the right things, but it still sucks.
that’s all.
Anonymous says
Same. I have so much rage this eeek. Send me your bub and we will break things together.
Anon says
I think there is rage in the air…rage season, like allergies, right? I have a 6, a 4 and a 1 and no one in my house seems to be able to stop screaming or crying.
(This is our last week of school, moving truck comes Monday, and we have no new house yet because the market is batty and are staying with my parents for the summer…so we’ve got some ish going on and I’m planning to take a mulligan on this whole couple weeks lol)
Anonymous says
Can you outsource the firing to the angry K student? Sounds like he might excel at this.
Anonymous says
See my post below about hitting!!! I feel you!
Anonymous says
Ugh, I feel you. My kid just finished K but the few months leading up to and the first few months of K were a total nightmare.
Anonymous says
How do you handle hitting in kids older than preschool? We have a 7 year old who can be extremely aggressive when in a meltdowny disregulated state. He’s getting large enough that you can’t just hold his arms down and he can actually hurt us. He’s in talk therapy and we are doing a lot to address underlying issues (anxiety and sensory mostly) that LEAD to aggression, and he’s making progress, but specifically looking for in the moment tips during the aggression to keep everyone safe and get it to stop in the moment. Both rewards and punishments have been pretty unsuccessful so far. Trying to have any kind of rational discussion in the moment also is totally unsuccessful because of the level of dis regulation.
Anonymous says
Mine is 6 and a girl but we talk about this issue daily. “You are getting big and you can really hurt someone.” In our house, we straight up walk away/ remove ourselves from the situation. We have other children and our daughter almost never (and not recently) touches them when angry, but might shove past them.
She also really want a pet and we are using that as another way to get her invested in regulating her emotions. “We need to make sure that everyone- humans and animals- feel safe, even when you are angry. ”
In our case, the aggression fizzles out when there is nobody there to react to it, so our approach works (for now). She’ll sometimes chase after us, in which case we say “I am ready to give you a hug if you want, or talk to you until you are calm, but you need to keep your hands and body to yourself. Do you want me to bring you a pillow to [hit/throw/etc]”?
Anonymous says
Thank you!! Helpful ideas. Unfortunately some of this is driven by a younger sibling’s age appropriate but obnoxious behavior and so we are needing to physically keep him away from the sibling. We are trying to just remove sibling from the situation and leave older one alone to cool down but that’s often logistically challenging (like I’m on a hike with both of them and no other adults… maybe won’t do that again for a while).
Anonymous says
Yeah I think the sad reality is that this is really challenging and limiting. And if little one can do a lot of camp without sibling that would be good.
Anonymous says
We read a book together: What to do when your temper flares. And practice the stuff in it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Does it work 100%? No. Does it help? Definitely.
Anonymous says
Is your kid willing to practice???? How do you convince them to practice? That’s a good rec for the book though!
SC says
I have a 7 year old with ADHD and the same issues. He’s been in OT, talk therapy, and play therapy since he was 3.
Once he’s in full meltdown mode, my only option is to get him to a safe, quiet place and leave him alone until he calms all the way down (usually 5-10 minutes). If he won’t go himself, I carry him to his room, facing away from me, and tell him that we’re happy for him to rejoin us when he’s ready. Sometimes, he follows me out, and I just repeat.
Pay attention to the behaviors you see as he gets toward a full meltdown. I remember that it used to feel like these meltdowns came out of nowhere, but they really don’t. Now I can tell when he’s getting dysregulated and can often help him calm down before it gets too bad. The things that work for him are a short sensory break, calming activity, and a comfort item. Sometimes, we just have to stop playing a game or doing an activity that’s too frustrating (which I admit is harder with a sibling because you don’t want to punish the sibling). Rewards and punishments even work before meltdown mode.
Baby nails says
Has anyone used an electric nail file for baby? Having a hard time staying on top of sharp nails
anonamama says
Can you try using a regular size pair of clippers, if you aren’t already? This allows you to get one nail done in one or two takes, moving slowly along the edge. Get a good grip on their hand, or while they’re sleeping, and you can move through pretty efficiently. Switched to this method after a tip from nail salon around 3 mos old and haven’t had an accident in 2+ years since. good luck!
Anon says
I use this. Works great. Need to replace the heads about yearly.
https://www.amazon.com/Electric-Safety-Trimmer-Clipper-Fingers/dp/B07MXNVLMD/ref=asc_df_B07MXNVLMD/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=532888167967&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2030010407688466584&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1024290&hvtargid=pla-989680896185&psc=1
Nap Team says
Yes, electric is the way to go! I got Little Martin’s (there are a bunch of similar looking ones) and used it for my DD’s nails until she was about 15 months.
An.On. says
Yes, we do for our baby; worked great for infant, just files them right down with very little fuss. At about a year or so, the nails are long/hard enough that clippers might be easier, but we haven’t yet switched over.
Anonymous says
A while back I asked for bathing suit ideas for my almost 9 year old. I’d forgotten about it and then last week we went bathing suit shopping because she’s outgrown all her two piece bottoms. We had our first strenuous bathing suit experience because at target, she is a medium (7/8) on top and a large (9/10) on the bottom for all the two piece suits she liked (and a cute non-tankini two piece was the point of the shopping) so nothing fit. Then everything at old navy was ugly (or we already owned it).
I remembered my post and the suggestion for Athleta. We ordered all the suits in several sizes and EVERY SINGLE ONE FIT PERFECTLY in a 8-10. She was absolutely beaming trying them all on. At like $60/pop she only kept one but still, it’s already her fave suit. We are always talking about how some clothes don’t fit her right because built like an athlete and I think having the suits that ended up fitting her be from there just reinforced things. THANK YOU AWESOME MOMS!
Anon says
I was one of the people who suggested Athleta and yay! Glad to hear this update.
Anon says
I love this! Thank you for following up :)
Anon says
i am also team, tops and bottoms should come separately bc many people need different sizes, kids included
anon says
I love this update! It is so affirming to find something that fits well and makes you feel great. Even when you’re a kid! I sincerely wish these options would’ve been available when I was growing up. I have *always* been a different size on top than bottom!
Anonymous says
OP here. She’s been in one pieces and tankini a from lands end until now basically for this reason.