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My front hall is a dumping ground for all sorts of things — mail, keys, school papers, receipts, bags, etc. Here’s a simple wall organizer that (I hope) will conquer them all.
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Ikea’s Vattenkar wall storage is $26.99. Compatible Skadis accessories (like the hooks and shelf) are sold separately.
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Mom of a nosepicker says
My 3 year-old is a nose-picker — which I’m fine with during the day, whatever, gross but I figure peer pressure and increasing social awareness will eventually take care of it. But when she’s (theoretically) falling asleep, she’s so intent on digging around in her nose that it keeps her awake; her eyelids are heavy, but she just can’t quit. We’re post-snot-sucker with her, and blowing her nose is more recreational than effective — I don’t think much actually comes out. Is this just a phase to get through until she can blow her nose better? I don’t know that it’s actually an issue of congestion or that there’s really much to get out… she just seems to be super-focused on the picking itself.
Anon says
My kid is 5 and went thru this phase. Nose blowing is a skill that can take some work. There is some tricks to getting kids to blow nose you can g00gle. Using the mirror and showing you can blow air thru nose (and see fog on mirror) is one I remember. Once they know how to blow it decreases the nose picking. And yes the shame when an older kid or peer says yuck.
Anon says
Glad I can be Anon for this because I am a 30 yo nose picker and an aggressive lip picker. It could be a phase or it could be an anxiety/ocd type thing. In my case it’s anxiety and body focused repetitive behavior. I don’t do the nose picking in public or nearly as frequently as the lip picking. For me it’s semi-unconscious, almost compulsive behavior that I’ve tried to stop over the years with little success. If she doesn’t grow out of it you might need a professional to step in.
Anon says
Ha I am also a nose picker and I also consider myself somewhat anxious.
Chl says
Could you give her some other kind of bedtime fidget?
ElisaR says
my son was consistently eating his boogers at age 4 (he’s now 5). I constantly told him to stop and it did nothing to change his behavior. Then one day i said “you know you’re eating germs when you do that.” He stopped in his tracks and looked at me angrily and said “WHY DIDN”T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE!?!?!?” and never ate them again. He still picks but I’m taking it as a win.
Vicky Austin says
hahahahahahaha I love this!
DC PK3 says
DC mom here, just submitted our first lottery list for PK3 and still not totally sure what to hope for. We ranked a walking-distance Montessori first, with the understanding that we’d likely not get in, and a regular charter and a traditional public school second and third. It’ll all be fine, I know; I’ve just got cold feet about Montessori and how to know if it’ll be a good fit for my energetic, very social kid, and if I’ll be able to tell whether it ultimately is not. Any advice?
I know there are some Takoma DC-area moms on here, so maybe worth a shot: any thoughts on Breakthrough Montessori, Cap City, or Takoma Elementary in particular? TIA.
Anon says
A true Montessori program can be a great fit for nearly any kid, because it follows the child’s interest and abilities and allows them to choose what they feel like working on. It’s not just for quiet, docile kids; it is about fostering focus and protecting a child’s internal motivation for set periods of time.
Though, anyplace seems to be able to slap on a “Montessori” label these days, and true Montessori is a mixed age group (ages 3-6, so the 3s can learn from the other kids), so YMMV! I feel like Montessori gets maligned here sometimes, but you need to compare apples with apples. Peacefulness is a Montessori value; shoehorning a kid into submission is not.
Ifiknew says
I think it’s wonderful for many kids and depends on rhe program but I will say that my 5 year old was not as well prepared for a traditional classroom because she picked easier tasks etc that didn’t translate well into the writing and reading focus of kindergarten. I felt like she was not as prepared as some kids that came from traditional programs
Anonymous says
My nephew had a similar experience with a highly regarded public Montessori elementary school. They basically let him choose to do math all the time and never challenged him with reading and writing. It was a real liability once he got to high school and found himself unprepared.
Anon says
Fair point; many families who choose Montessori continue it through elementary school (I realize that isn’t an option everywhere…and again with the caveat that the family/program is devoted to true Montessori philosophy)
Anonymous says
So you are saying it’s a problem with the family’s expectations, not a problem with the Montessori philosophy, when the program failed to prepare the child for future success? Yikes.
Vent says
I just want to yell into the void. My husband and I have a two year old. In the last month, my husband was sick for two weeks with norovirus, then went on vacation for five days, and literally the day after he came back he hurt his back and can now barely walk. The most frustrating part is that I felt like it was actually easier for me when he was out of town, because the house was easier to keep clean and I didn’t have to deal with parent favoritism and the meltdowns if our daughter wants daddy to help her instead of me. And I’m taking all this frustration out on my husband, which is causing more problems for our relationship but I can’t shake the resentment that he’s just making more work for me when he’s home than when he’s not. I don’t even know what I want anymore or how to fix this feeling.
Anonymous says
He did nothing for two weeks because of norovirus? You want a divorce
Anon says
Yeah norovirus is like a 24-48 hour thing. It’s absolutely awful while you’re in it, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t understand how it lasts for two weeks!!
Also a week vacation when you have a 2 year old is a lot. I know everyone is different but DH and I didn’t do just for fun solo travel until our kids were older and more manageable to solo parent.
Anon says
You are still contagious for two weeks (through saliva and other bodily products)…maybe as a couple they decided they didn’t want him doing food prep or childcare during that time? Seems excessive, but that’s all I can think of
Anon says
I’ve never heard that it’s exactly two weeks. You can theoretically be contagious for many weeks or months, but the risk goes way down once you’re no longer symptomatic. I’m a pretty serious emetophobe and I can’t imagine releasing my husband from all household duties for two weeks because he was vomiting for a couple days. Maybe certain things like food prep. But certainly there is something he can do! And the child was probably the source of the bug anyway.
octagon says
A family in my circle is on week 4… it seems to be hitting everyone in waves, where someone goes down for 24-28 hours and then is okay for a few days before going down again. Their doc said it’s noro, but it is different than the classical presentation, and is so frustrating to everyone.
Anonymous says
Same. It’s so weird to me. Like a night or two maybe but 5 days? No. We have a kid.
Anne-on says
Seriously. Every mom I know has gone down for the count for 1-3 days MAX with things like covid/flu/pneumonia. Hell, I had an emergency surgery for a burst cyst and was helping out around the house in less than 2 weeks. I’m not saying it’s fun (I have made breakfast for a kid, dashed to the bathroom to throw up, and then returned to make lunches) but you suck it up and crash early/nap when they’re in school/daycare etc. This is just unacceptable to me.
GCA says
I was once sick for two weeks in college with the absolute worst stomach bug I’ve ever had. I was in bed for about a week and a half – every time I sat up I would throw up, and I still can’t look at Jello or chicken noodle soup for that reason. I’d give benefit of the doubt. BUT, OP’s frustration is still real and valid.
Anonymous says
Yeah in college you get that luxury. As a parent you don’t.
Anonymous says
I also find solo parenting easier than parenting with my husband around. That’s just the reality of living with another adult–they make messes and have needs, no matter how great a partner they are. When it’s just you, you can run things in the way that’s easiest for you and you don’t have to spend time and mental energy connecting with a partner. The only time a partner actually makes life easier is in an emergency, like when you’re sick and need someone else to take care of the kids, or in a situation where you need to be in two places at once. Otherwise a partner may add companionship and financial security, but certainly not logistical ease or a reduction in the mental load.
Anonymous says
This is such a sad verdict on your marriage!
Anonymous says
If they’re making messes and not taking care of their own needs and not helping with your messes and needs, they’re not being a great partner. A partner may add to mental load in some ways since you do have to accommodate them as another person, but they should also be diminishing other aspects of the load. That’s what partner means – sharing the load. A spouse can be a spouse and provide companionship and money without being a partner.
Anonymous says
Right. This is so disturbing actually.
anon says
Agree. I was very taken aback. That’s a pretty depressing way to look at marriage and partnership.
Anonymous says
Seriously? Your partners don’t track in dirt, splash toothpaste on the bathroom mirror, shed hair everywhere, etc.? They don’t need you to listen to their descriptions of their day and have serious conversations with them when you are exhausted and just want to collapse in bed with a book in silence? These are all perfectly normal things that perfectly normal partners do that make life with them more difficult and demanding. The sum of it tends to exceed the gains from their taking on half of the household chores. Married life might be richer, but I can’t see how it could possibly be easier.
Anonymous says
They do, but they also listen to my description of my day, and have serious conversations when I need them and help clean up the hair I shed. They make me breakfast when I’m busy and stressed before work. They pick up the shoes I left on the floor because I was exhausted when I get home and just need to collapse on the bed and yell into a pillow. All the little things that we do for each other mean every day is better and easier because its shared.
Pogo says
Eh, I do agree to some extent. Not that they don’t clean up their own messes or whatever, but they’re a roommate. When you are solo, you do things exactly the way you want and there are no surprises, you’re never left picking up the pieces. Obviously, that goes both ways in that things that I do make DH’s life harder unintentionally and he picks up the pieces. But it’s logistically simpler to only worry about yourself and where you need to be, and the consequences of your own actions.
Anon says
I used to think this way (if things are easier when your partner goes out of town, you have a bad partner) but changed my mind after living through this. I generally find life easier when my husband is out of town. But it’s not because my husband doesn’t pull his weight. He does. In fact, he does more than 50%. It’s because when he goes out of town I give myself permission to let everything go – we eat more takeout and frozen food than normal, I don’t pick my kid up as early from daycare, we use more screentime, etc. I think that’s pretty common, that you lower your standards and/or use more paid help when you’re solo parenting so that may be some of what is making people feel like it’s easier, and it’s not necessarily a reflection that your partner is bad.
Anonymous says
I’m not saying it never feels easier when they’re away, but you wouldn’t want to lower your standards long term. I was more responding to the statements such as: “The only time a partner actually makes life easier is in an emergency” and “a partner may add companionship and financial security, but certainly not logistical ease or a reduction in the mental load”
Anon says
+1 it’s easier when my husband’s out of town because we pull out the cereal, we don’t try to read before bed, etc.
Anonymous says
The distinction for me is whether its easier because you’re temporarily doing things the easy way, or because your spouse is gone more generally.
Anonymous says
My husband is deployed and my life sure as sh*t is easier with him here. Even if there’s more laundry. So if you feel this way maybe your husband can leave for a year, like mine, and then see if you still view your spouse as a roommate. Enjoy your divorce in 5 years.
ElisaR says
yikes i was with you until that last sentence.
Bette says
I haven’t yet had an extended bout of solo parenting, but as a single data point in support of this claim – I went on a five day trip and left my husband with our 2 year old. When I returned, even he admitted that in some ways it was easier without me around! We have a healthy supportive relationship and I was probably doing around 60-70% of the domestic labor at that time, so it’s not like I’m a waste of space that he has to clean up after. I think it is totally possible to have a healthy normal relationship and still feel like things are just a little easier when your spouse leaves for a few days… You can do things on your own schedule and timetable, you don’t have to negotiate with other opinions, you have one less person getting a piece of your mental/emotional energy, you can indulge in your weird idiosyncrasies and actually get some alone time. That doesn’t mean your marriage is broken.
Anonymous says
I am over here wondering how either parent gets a solo 5 day vacation!
Anon says
I take solo vacations that are longer than 5 days. I also take our kid on solo trips and give my husband alone time at home (he doesn’t like to travel as much as I do). I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with a spouse taking a solo vacation. But it’s poor timing and I would reschedule a vacation if I had just been out of commission with illness for two weeks.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’ve felt this way before, and I made the mistake of assuming DH didn’t notice or didn’t care. I was over here stewing and he was over there nursing his hurt that kids shunned him and I was snapping at him and his efforts to make things better were not, in fact, making it better. So, yell into the void, do a rage clean, and then go calmly talk to to him. Open it up for him to tell you what he’s observed and how he’s feeling (he may not know it is a problem, and then that’s a different conversation.) Then tell him what you need: him to carry his dishes to the sink, him to slap on a heating pad and get moving, him to handle dinner tomorrow night, whatever. Then step back and let him do it. It won’t get better overnight but with time and conversations and the occasional scream into the void, it can get better. It will also get better but harder when you aren’t dealing with a two year old and parental preference issues, too! That’s tough.
Anonymous says
This is so Polly anna. You don’t need to gently manage his feelings around not being a pig. I wish I liked ladies.
Anon says
This is not Pollyanna. This is called using enlightened self-interest and being constructive. If you want a positive result, it’s better to communicate like you are speaking with a well-intentioned decent human being that you love, rather than snapping and treating your partner (who has been ill and in pain) like dirt. I say this because I’ve done both many times, and it’s obvious which approach works.
Anon says
+1.
And I can’t help but think it’s no wonder parenting philosophies have taken a hard turn toward the “gentle” – this attitude is what status quo dismissive, punitive, ego-centered parenting produces
Anon says
Agree with the above that 2 weeks for norovirus seems absurd. At some point, take a bucket with you and still do the things (I say as someone who had HG in pregnancy).
My husband hasn’t participated in any physical part of parenting (or our household) in over 18 months due to health issues, surgeries, etc. (none of which are life-threatening at this point, just very painful). DD is now 5 and thankfully mostly self-sufficient; I don’t know how we would have managed this long if she were younger. He doesn’t travel (for health reasons) but I have certainly had the thought a time or two, especially when traveling solo with DD, about how much easier it is when I am solo parenting, because right now I don’t have a partner, I have a dependent, so it is probably how people feel when they only have one kid with them instead of two for a temporary stretch. Fingers crossed that the latest treatments worked and we are (very slowly) trending in the right direction – he folded a load of towels for the first time in ages last night, made his lunch himself a few days this week and joined us out for dinner the week before.
Things I do to help manage the resentment:
– remind myself repeatedly that our vows included “in sickness and in health”. Remind myself that he is trying to get better, it is just slower and more complicated than all of us anticipated. Reframe that I don’t currently have a slacking partner, I have a partner who is currently a dependent (and I pray every night that we can eventually make it back to partners and that, like some of the terrible toddler years, this too will pass and years are short in the context of a lifetime). The reframing would be easier if he had been a stellar partner before instead of just average, but we were working through that and making good progress before the X hit the fan.
– call in all the help you can (nevermind that I can’t find help on my own despite my best efforts and the staffing agency is dodging my calls because of “market conditions”).
– ask him to go upstairs or be out of my line of sight when I am doing the physical things (picking up enough of the things so our cleaners can clean, unloading and putting away groceries, cleaning up the kid spills, etc.) because while I know he is not able (or permitted per doctor’s orders) to do the bending and the lifting and the carrying and the walking things, seeing him sitting there “relaxing” causes irrational rage, even though it is literally not his fault.
– Do the things I want to do (with DD) and leave him home. E.g., if I don’t feel like cooking or (late, lukewarm, probably wrong) takeout, DD and I go out to dinner solo and bring him back a box. She and I have been doing solo trips now that he can (mostly) fend for himself at least for a few days. We make plans at this point and he can either join or not.
– Find the things he can do within his limitations. If it involves IT or ordering anything (food, household stuff, etc.) for delivery, that is all on him. DD is 5, but playing video games while reclined on the couch with her gets me some solo time, allows them to play together, and makes me feel like he is helping. Same for supervising homework; kiddo does it on a tray table near wherever DH is resting. Now that his arm strength is starting to get better, sitting and folding laundry is on the list. We put a chair in the bathroom so he can supervise bathtime (DD can scrub herself and wash her hair but needs to be prodded along to get through in any reasonable amount of time).
I spend a lot of time yelling into the void though, that is for sure, in what is just an impossible situation. I also fantasize about quitting my job, but he can’t work right now and the thought of switching up health insurance in the middle of this makes me start twitching. Sometimes the only way forward is through, but it is a terrible road.
Anon says
Decide what you want your husband to do, and politely ask him to do that. Tell him how overwhelmed you are so he sees you as a vulnerable person in need of real help. I bet he will step up. Seriously, just do that before you explode. It will help. I often think my partner sucks because shouldn’t it be obvious that he needs to help more, and why is he tired or hurt or sick so long while I have to do more, but marriage isn’t about having someone make things easier for you.
Vent OP says
I know this is what I need to do, but I’ve been really dreading it and kind of kicking things down the road hoping they’ll get better on their own which is obviously wishful thinking. Aside from not wanting to kick him while he’s feeling down, I’ve also been reluctant to bring it up now because I might not be as frustrated now if I’d felt he’d gone above and beyond in the past, like Anon at 1:38 said above, and that feels unfair to him. He’s a good father, and he’s present and he’s certainly not deliberately antagonizing me by catching norovirus, even if it feels that way sometimes! And he doesn’t do nothing when he’s sick, but I do the almost all of household management and mental load and the burden of having this conversation felt like one more thing on my plate.
Thank you to everyone who has responded so far, and I will check back later too. I appreciate all your comments, and the support and thought that you’ve put into them.
Anon says
1) feel free to yell away. All your feelings are very, very valid. This is a horrible time for your family. Hopefully it’ll be a very short time.
2) I’m currently the laid up partner (have been enjoying severe nausea and vomiting with this pregnancy) and please as much as you can remind yourself that it sucks on our end too. I hate feeling so poorly and would do almost anything to get back to normal. We have tried to redistribute the load so I’m doing more of the sitting/mental tasks (all the online shopping, grocery delivery, our taxes this year etc) in an attempt to make things more equal.
anon says
Yup. I was the laid up partner last summer after major surgery. I felt a lot of guilt about not contributing much around the house, even though my DH never, ever made me feel that way and wanted me to focus on recovery. And I did recover, and probably more quickly than I would’ve if I’d pushed myself too hard.
Almost says
Anyone have experience or thoughts on kid room sharing where there’s a decent age gap (like 4 years)? I’d plan to have the infant in our room for the first 6 months. For various reasons would rather not move unless we really can’t make it work.
Anonymous says
I think it’s worth a try! If your kids really hate it there’s nothing to stop you moving later.
AwayEmily says
I have a 1yo, a 5yo, and a 6yo. Right now the 5yo and 6yo share a room but I intend to move the 6yo and 1yo together in the next year — they have much more similar sleep needs. I think there’s no reason not to give it a try and if it doesn’t work you can reconsider. Kids are surprisingly adaptable.
AIMS says
I think you can make it work, for quite a while at least. Our age gap is smaller (2.5) but the biggest issue is my daughter is really ready to go to sleep an hour or so later than her brother but their routine is kind of tied together and he will refuse to go if she isn’t going too. But I think if we were starting now with a 4 year old and a baby, it would be easier in some ways because the baby obviously isn’t going to complain and over time they will just accept having different bedtimes. Even now, sometimes we will have one parent read with the younger kid and let him fall asleep, while other parent lets the older kid read us a story in our bed and then she just migrates to her own bed quietly afterwards when she’s done (but because both kids are in pajamas and not watching TV no one complains about it being “unfair”).
In terms of waking up baby, this is largely a problem that solves itself. My son used to wake up if a bird chirped outside the window but sharing a room has made him an amazing sleeper. He literally sleeps through everything now.
You will want to figure out a solution for naps while baby is young and still napping a lot. Keeping older child out of their room for naps multiple times a day can be challenging – somehow they always need a toy that’s there just when the younger sibling is napping. I would recommend having a pack and play type set up for baby in your room for a while so naps can be there and then eventually you can just let them nap in your bed when rolling over isn’t a worry (my kids still love this when they’re sick or just tired).
govtattymom says
I don’t think this would work for our family. Our daughters are 4.5 years apart and it would be very difficult for them to share a room. They love each other very much but have trouble “getting along” for extended periods of time. The age gap is enough that they really can’t play together. Also, the two year old doesn’t talk much yet so when she gets frustrated with her sister she will hit, pull hair, etc. I’m glad they have their own rooms. Is there any possibility of converting an office, guest room, basement or something to a bedroom?
Me says
My 7 and 3 year old have been sharing for almost a year. They’re closer now than they were before, it’s been great, although older kid can’t wait to have her own room (which she gets in the fall…) But yeah, room sharing is great and I don’t think age difference matters at all for it unless you’ve got a kid older than 10 or so. I’m putting the newly 4 year old with the 1 year old next. And the 7 year old used to share with her older brother. We mix it up!
Anon says
We have a 3, 6, and 11 year old in the same room, and they have been sharing since the youngest was about a year old, when she was sleeping through the night. It’s just been this past year that the 11 year old has been asking for her own room. (There was a couple weeks when she wanted to sleep on the living room couch but she’s over that now.) I think one thing that makes it workable for us is that their bedroom is just for sleeping and dressing and lazing in bed/ reading. Not to say they don’t play in their bedroom, but their toys are mostly kept in a separate playroom. It helps them understand that the room is communal and you can’t kick your sibling out. I think the kids just accept that this is the current bedroom arrangement. My kids are all pretty sound sleepers, so differ. ent bedtimes and wake times haven’t been a big issue.
anonM says
My sister and I shared a room, with a 4 yr age gap. It wasn’t a big deal to me. I made myself a basement bedroom after coming home from college.
Allie says
My friend made a six year age gap work for her kids sharing a room for the first several years. When the oldest got to the age where he wanted to hang out in his room at night it didn’t work but it worked well for many years.
Anon says
Has anyone ever closed a 529 plan when the plan is at a loss from your initial contribution value? We are considering doing this, and the 529 administrator couldn’t tell me whether there would be a penalty or tax in this circumstance. They only said that you would pay tax on the interest and a 10% penalty on the interest, and that they didn’t know what would happen if I closed the account when there is a loss.
anon says
Selling when the market is down is generally the worst thing you can do. do you need the money now? I personally would just keep contributing especially now while stocks are essentially on sale.
Anonymous says
Why would you do this? Just keep it open until it recovers.
Spirograph says
I don’t understand why you would close the account? if you don’t need the money right now, why not just wait until you can use it for a qualifying expense?
Anon says
I assume she wants the money.
Anon says
Yes, our investments with a financial adviser are doing much better than those in the 529. We’d rather move the money to a taxable brokerage account with more investment options. The amount in the 529 is quite low, so it isn’t a lot of money that is being moved. I’m reading that the 10% penalty for unqualified withdraws only applies to the interest earned. I’m thinking there is no penalty if there is no earned interest, but I haven’t found confirmation.
Anonymous says
Genuine question: will those funds not be taxed as income if you pull them from the 529?
Anon says
Money is taxed before you put it in a 529 and the US tax code generally doesn’t double tax, so no you should not have to pay any tax on the principal when you withdraw. The interest (growth) is taxable unless used for qualified educational expenses.
Vicky Austin says
I’m 36 weeks as of yesterday and have been having random painful tightening in my back for a couple weeks now. I did mention it to my OB and she didn’t seem concerned, but OW. Any ideas what this could be so I can try to circumvent it? (The Internet seems conflicted on whether or not you feel Braxton Hicks in your back at all.)
AIMS says
All my labor with one pregnancy when it did happen was in my back so it’s possible, I’d think. I literally didn’t realize I was having contractions because I just thought my back hurt. But also, your back may just be in a ton of pain from carrying baby around.
TheElms says
If its in your lower back I’d guess sciatica. There are stretches you can do to help ease the pain and you can try a heating pad or ice. Different people do better with one or the other and I don’t think there is way to know until you try. Hang in there, the end will be here soon.
Anonymous says
Just slap a heating pad on it.
Anon says
I remember doing a video interview for a new hire around that time sitting on an exercise ball with an ice pack on my back. It was constantly hurting at that stage. A belly support band helped some but I almost always had ice or heating pad on it.
Anon says
I had back pain that turned out to be a preeclampsia syndrome. Sounds like if you saw your OB recently the yprobably checked your BP and urine – so I don’t want to alarm you but also wish I had known that was what it was.
Vicky Austin says
Eek! I did see them just yesterday and I’m going again on Monday so I’ll mention it. Thanks all – I will try a heating pad!
Anon says
It’s good to mention it, but back pain at 36 weeks of pregnancy is extremely common and normal and preeclampsia is rare.
Anon says
So you can definitely feel contractions in your back (back labor) during the actual labor. My OB told me last week (I’m 3 weeks behind you) that she hates the term Braxton Hicks because it implies that the sensation is actually different from contractions, when in fact it is the same thing. So if you can feel back labor from “real” contractions, than you would be able to feel the same from Braxton Hicks.
One thing is that back labor can be associated with a baby who is sunny-side up. Baby’s probably not engaged yet, but if you’re planning for a v. delivery, maybe check out Spinning Babies.
Bette says
+1 to the belly support band – helped a lot with back pain in my first pregnancy. Get like a firm one with velcro that feels like you could use it with weight lifting, not one of those silky flimsy ones.
Anon says
I just got my performance review for last year and am incredibly disappointed. While factually accurate, it’s super dismissive of what I accomplished. I did the equivalent of running an ultra marathon in a blizzard while barefoot and while people lobbed grenades at me, all without a manager in role and with zero internal support from my company, and still managed to exceed expectations for our finish. Her review says that I ran a race. She’s new to role and wasn’t my manager at the time of the big race, though she was in the department and aware of the race. These events only take place every few years and I feel like I’m getting zero, if not negative credit, for performing extremely well during a critical event. It’s just that I didn’t have manager so no one was paying attention (or supporting me). She tells me she’s new to role and doesn’t know how I did so she can’t say more. I consider this a big cop out. It’s going to be a while, potentially years, before I get another chance to run a big event and this is a cloud over my reputation. WWYD?
Anon says
How is it a cloud over your reputation? It’s unclear to me, did you get a bad review or just not as glowing as you think you deserve?
If it’s a fine review, but just doesn’t highlight how much you did, I really wouldn’t worry about it. No one ever goes back to read old reviews unless you are a problem employee. Either the other employees of your company already know how amazing you did or they don’t, but a glowing review isn’t going to be the way that they learn about it.
Anonymous says
How is an exceeds expectations review a cloud on your reputation?
Go back to her with proof of what you did
Anon says
It’s not an exceeds expectations review. It’s very ho hum. We don’t get formal ratings, but it basically said my year was fine in a department of overachievers where everyone does much better than fine. I don’t want to just be employed. I want to be promoted, or at least on the list of people they are considering for promotion. I more than earned it, but no one was paying attention.
anon says
I have to push back a little. If you were running this marathon barefoot in a blizzard, etc how was NO ONE noticing? It’s one thing for your new manager to not understand but the fact that apparently no one else did seems telling. What exactly made you such a rockstar and if you were such a rockstar, why didn’t anyone notice?
Agree with other PPs that this review isn’t consequential though
Anon says
This. Or maybe you were running the marathon but it’s not a marathon your employer cares about? There’s a lot more to being a rockstar than just working hard.
Anon says
I was managing a large external team at a remote external location. One other more senior person from the company was supposed to attend, but we had a massive COVID outbreak so she opted not to attend and risk getting sick. I didn’t have a manager for months before or after the event and no one was assigned to supervise me so the only thing anyone saw was the very short note to leadership about the outcome. There was literally no one else to tell who matters.
I’m not saying it makes sense, but that’s also why it was so incredibly stressful. Singular responsibility for a huge event with no support.
GCA says
OP – in your shoes, what I have done before was go back to my client contact with a small follow-up question and request for testimonial/ feedback. Eg: ‘I’m curious about the event metrics; did you reach your target audiences/ get the coverage you wanted/ get new client leads out of this thing we helped with? If so, would you be willing to write a short testimonial for our website?’ If it comes back glowing, forward to your manager.
Anon says
I’m not sure who you mean by client contact. The external team I was supervising has given me good feedback, but that has zero weight internally. No one internally was paying attention.
There are no metrics that matter other than the actual outcome, which was shared. The company would have cared a lot about bad outcome, but can now shrug at a good outcome as the risk to the company has passed.
For event, I don’t mean event like I was hosting people at a conference. More like a rocket launch worth hundreds of millions of dollars. I was solely responsible supervising a large external team. It launched so it’s now done, but the business would have cared if it had exploded on the launch pad or if it hadn’t launched at all. It was not appropriate of them to leave me entirely unsupervised, but I pulled it out so now no one cares.
Anonymous says
Not OP, but I am in a similar situation. I run a whole bunch of very difficult projects that bring in a ton of revenue and management has no idea what I do. They only hear about some of what goes wrong, like when I ask them to fix something that they’ve broken or mismanaged, and never hear about any of the million things that go right. They do not care that I bring in 3x as much revenue as anyone else, and they don’t know or care what I have to go through to bring in that revenue. My staff knows some of it, and that I am a great manager, but they don’t get asked for input. And the ultramarathon is important to the organization, because when I say that probably we are overextended and don’t need to sign my team up for an eighth ultramarathon while we are already running seven others, they tell me to suck it up and deal because the eighth one is important.
anon says
Because workplaces are pretty happy to take advantage of hard-working staff? I have been in OP’s position before and it sucked. You know that if you fail, you’ll never hear the end of it, but you also don’t get any kudos for doing the work, no matter how few resources you’re working with.
Anon says
It’s probably time to job hunt. If they’ve labeled you a ho hum person, it’s going to be hard to be seen as a superstar person. You can push back against the review and maybe get the file updated, but it’s not going to change anyone’s mind and might actually harm your reputation. It’s not fair, but it’s reality.
Anon says
Unfortunately ,I think this is pretty common. If I’m understanding this right, you didn’t get a negative review, it just wasn’t as enthusiastic as you hoped, right? If that’s the case I don’t really think there’s much to do. It’s not going to hurt you in the future.
Anon says
Yeah this is why I don’t go above and beyond most of the time. I don’t expect to get much validation at work. It would be nice if companies cared and noticed but a lot of times that’s not the case. It’s a big deal to you but not to them.
I also think taking offense or pushing back too hard could sabotage your relationship with your manager. I’ve seen this happen before, where the direct report and manager had a falling out after a review and basically stopped talking.
Anon says
I would absolutely push back. I did this once before when I got individual feedback that said things like “absolute rockstar at ____” and “saved the day on mission-critical ___” after a kickass year and then the final performance review was essentially “met expectations.” I went in with the specific feedback I had received, pointed out that the summary was not aligned with the individual reviewers, and made my case. Unfortunately, it didn’t result in significant improvement, but it did net SOME improvement. That company had (and still has) a reputation for lowballing people at hire and then locking them into low, rigid step increases for the rest of time.
anon says
Is there someone besides your manager who can vouch for what you did during the time period and would be willing to provide backup if you push back? Can you provide very specific examples of what you did during this time period and ask to have them added to your review? Again, this may require someone to go to bat for you. This situation sounds very demoralizing, and I’m sorry you’re in this spot. Nothing stings worse than knowing you went above and beyond and saved the day, but nobody really noticed or cared.
Anonymous says
I would be strategic about this, if you like the new manager. Don’t ask for a change to the performance review. Instead, find a time to talk the manager about what happened at this event and how you feel you performed. Explain why the review disappointed you, but don’t dwell on it–she wasn’t there, org changes were in process, these things happen. Find a way to spin it that is to her benefit (e.g., some learnings from the event that will be useful going forward), and don’t make her do paperwork on your behalf.
Pogo says
I always keep track of my accomplishments and review them year-end with my manager – even if my manager changed. I would still keep all of this in your back pocket when looking at other roles internally.
Second, I went through a bit of this earlier this week with a couple of stretch/extra assignments I’ve had where I started getting negative feedback on how I was rolling it out and I was like wtf, I am doing this when NO ONE else is, going above and beyond, how dare you criticize. But my manager coached me to look at it like – WHY is no one else doing it, is it really that important? OK, if it is – who SHOULD be in charge? who SHOULD I delegate to? You don’t get extra points for being a martyr.
anyway, I hear you! but try to reframe and move on.
Anonymous says
I took two years off working after my twins were born (I have three kids). Now I have a job offer and I’m going to take it, but it’s made me realize I don’t actually want to work, I just feel like I should. SAHM life is boring but it’s not chaotic. I’ve never really felt fulfilled at work it’s just a paycheck, which is nice, don’t get me wrong. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or commiseration.
Anon for moneh says
It’s okay to feel this way. I enjoy my job but am not passionate about it. But i enjoy the money and i’m senior enough to be able to set good boundaries so i have a ton of family time, and I don’t want to be in a single-income household for so many reasons. So i work.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with this – I enjoy my job for the most part and really like my team, but it’s still work! I do it to get paid because we live in a capitalist society and we’ve got bills and fun things to pay for. I would also never want to be dependent on one income/one employer – too much variability in the world. Two incomes is a hedge, on top of providing us a bigger income than one person alone without sacrificing serious hours to work.
OP, you obviously don’t have to take any job, but not being super passionate about work is also totally normal.
Anonymous says
I just want to add a comment that being a full time SAHM is work and should be called work. And it’s just like any job where you may not love it every moment/day, or even feel super passionate some days, but you’ve decided it’s what is best for your family.
NYCer says
This is where I fall too.
Anon says
I wouldn’t go back to work just because you feel like you should. I would love to be a stay at home mom. The main reason I haven’t is that I don’t think my marriage would be happy if I didn’t earn at least some income. We are both frugal compared to many (saving well for retirement, always paying credit cards in full, etc.) but I am considerably less frugal than he is, especially when it comes to travel and we joke in earnest that my salary is our vacation fund. But if being a one income family is working for you and not causing issues in your marriage, I see no reason why you would need to change your situation. Plus it sounds like your kids are pretty young. I know it’s a trope for the SAHM to go back to work when the kids start school, but in many ways age 0-5 is the easiest stage in which to be a working mom. It gets so much more complicated when they start elementary school!
Anon says
I hear you. I’m a working mom, and I think it’s valuable for my marriage that I work, for risk mitigation (divorce, death, serious injury of spouse) that I work, for financial opportunity for my family that I work, for showing my children non-gender based work & home norms that I work. But… yeah if I was just thinking about an individual day and only me – my life would definitely be much easier, calmer, and probably on the whole happier if I didn’t. Oh well, I guess that’s why it’s called work and not fun. There are of course upsides to working, but I don’t think you’re crazy for feeling how you do. Good luck with the new job and I hope those upsides do feel apparent to you too!
anon says
I could’ve written every word of this. I’ve been a working mom the entire time. I have to take the long-term view when I start feeling frustrated by the stresses of working and parenting.
Clementine says
Me too.
I’m lucky to have a job I like (most days. Not today but most days.), be financially comfortable, have a lot of childcare help, and a lovely spouse.
I think I’d be happier not working but understand why I stay.
anon says
So much commiseration. I want to work and enjoyed my work, but the jobs that are most interesting to me/for which I’m qualified take way more time than I’m willing to give at this point. So, I teach my kid about standing and voir dire on the walk to elementary school.
Figuring our work + kids is tough. I think there’s no wrong answer.
Anon says
“I want to work and enjoyed my work, but the jobs that are most interesting to me/for which I’m qualified take way more time than I’m willing to give at this point.”
I feel this so hard. I work, but am severely underemployed because I don’t want to work more than 40 hours/week.
Anon says
your twins are 2? if you prefer staying at home with two two year olds, all the power to you. I think I might be a good SAHM of an elementary aged kiddo, but I personally am not patient enough to be with my kids all day, every day, I also work for the risk mitigation factors, etc. and while I can definitely think of other things I’d rather do with my time than be at work, I am lucky in that I generally like my job and it’s not super stressful, though idk if I would say it makes me feel ‘fulfilled’
Anonymous says
I’m a SAHM because I found 2 working parents (and my husband has a Big job) to be too chaotic. Mine are almost 6 and 3.5 and I have a good group of friends who keep things interesting. We do a lot of fun day trips with the kids.I read at night and listen to podcasts and bake for intellectual stimulation. We now do not a second income and people hate me a little that I don’t need to work but who cares. So yeh I definitely wouldn’t start working for societal pressure. I love the flexibility of our lifestyle.
Pogo says
Do you need/want the money to maintain your lifestyle? Are you OK being financially dependent on your partner? Those are the two big deciders for me if you’re already OK emotionally/mentally staying home.
OP says
What we both really want is to leave the rat race. My having an income would enable us to accelerate that exit. “Is it worth it” I guess is the question DH and I need to suss out together. I’m comfortable with him being the breadwinner for now. I definitely don’t want to never work again but I feel pressure to start back up sooner rather than later. I used to think it would be easier once all my kids were in school but I don’t think I believe that anymore.
Anon says
It’s hard. Sometimes there are no perfect answers. My job is also just a paycheck and source of health insurance for my family, although I am using a skill set I care about, but it is tough to juggle both. If you really dislike it, maybe you can plan an alternate option in the future.
Anaon says
oh that’s hard. I think it’s okay for work to be just a paycheck. I mean don’t mean when the job is soul sucking, but when it’s just… fine. My husband (and I do think many men) feels like this about his job – he doesn’t love it, but he is good at it, it pays the bills and allows him a lot of flexibility. I think there is a narrative women are sold where if they are going to be working outside of the home, it has to be super fulfilling or else they should stay home with the kids.
There is a recent episode of The Happiness Lab called “Stop Looking for the Perfect Job” which makes a good case about having a job that allows you to invest in your life outside of work.
Is it that you don’t want to work outside the home, or you don’t want this job? That might be worth unpacking.
Also – I think you can be gentle with yourself about this decision – re-joining the workforce is a big adjustment. I work a seasonal job and every year when it is time to start back up again, I just feel this incredible sense of inertia and that I “just don’t wanna.” I actually love my job, but switching from SAHM to working mom has always been tough for me.
anon says
Oh, you are so right about women being sold the idea that a job must be fulfilling on every front or it’s “not worth it.”
OP, I don’t know what the right decision is for you, but I think it’s pretty normal to have mixed feelings about going back to work. It’s a big lifestyle change.
OP says
This is all such good advice. I wish 25 year old me had had someone to tell me this. Anyway, I’ve turned down a job that was a one hour commute (each way) and then this “unicorn” job appeared. The job itself sounds great. And yet…deep down I am realizing I think I just don’t want to work. At least not right now. DH are spending the weekend away so I will bring it up with him then.
Anonymous says
Could you go back to a different job? A flexible or part time one?
I have 3 kids and work maybe 20 hours a week and it’s ideal. I keep my skills and network fresh but am still home a lot.
Anon says
Are Millie Moon diapers supposed to be overnight diapers? They have the whole moon theme going and say they have 12 hour absorbency, but it seems like they’re marketed as regular diapers.
Anonymous says
I think they’re just diapers that can be used overnight but dont have to be.
Anonymous says
Help me navigate something complicated with my daughter. She’s a second grader and v. young for her class. Her BFF is one of the oldest and most popular girls. I have no issues with this girl, personally, but am noticing a not so great dynamic in their friendship where BFF is sometimes kind of mean to my daughter and my daughter not only gets upset about, which is normal, but puts up with treatment I don’t think is healthy or good, which does concern me.
By way of example, BFF will sometimes run away from my daughter at lunch or say that my daughter has to make an appointment to play with her at recess because she’s playing with other friends today. Other days, she will say “oh, today, you’re my number 1 best friend so you can play with me.” She does this with other girls too, but I don’t know that everyone takes it the same way. None of this would concern me much except that my daughter listens to this and follows BFF around and basically puts up with all this nonsense. I don’t care what BFF does, and I realize they are kids and each navigating complicated social dynamics, but I want to help my daughter stand up for herself and/or just not put up with this. Like, if BFF wants to play, great, if she doesn’t, go play with someone else. My daughter seems to have plenty of other friends so this is not a lack of options situation. She just seems inexplicably drawn to the this girl. Also, BFF is generally a polite, nice kid to me, great on playdates, etc. I just think she’s taking advantage of the situation in a perfectly natural way that kids in her position would and I just want to keep my kid from being a doormat. My husband and I have both had many talks about this with my daughter, together and separately – about how friends don’t treat each other this way, how it isn’t nice, what she can do, etc., but it’s almost like talking to someone in an abusive relationship or at least a highly manipulative one. And she really does gaslight my kid sometimes, albeit I don’t think intentionally. I really am at a loss. I can’t ban them from being friends and I can only do so much to try to cultivate other friendships. What else can I do?