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Here’s a darling outfit for the little Valentine in your life!
As I’ve written before, I’m a huge fan of holiday clothes that work well after the decorations come down. Tea’s red cherry pattern evokes Valentine’s Day but works equally well for early spring. This two-piece set is made from easy-care 100% cotton and has a crewneck and drop shoulders.
If you like this pattern, there are also dresses, coordinating leggings, and tees for siblings. This set also comes in a fun rainbow ice cream pattern.
Tea’s Two Piece Baby Play Set is $52 and comes in sizes 3–6M to 4T.
Psst: Tea has launched a Tea Rewear program. You can trade in gently-used Tea clothing to get a discount toward new items as well as sell or shop pre-worn Tea.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
I love this! Kiddo and I have matching heart PJs from Lindex. He’s very keen on matching with me now, and I suspect those days are numbered, so making the most of them. Regretting not buying the GAP crazy stripe jumper in every size.
Yesterday, we were debating whether a posh cafe we passed would require bow ties for both of us, or just him.
Anonymous says
You absolutely must do matching bow ties. It would be great for Valentine’s Day.
Cb says
I’m going to pick him up early next week and we can go together. It looks very fancy – kind of Viennese vibe? But it always seems empty so hopefully they won’t mind a 4-year-old, especially one who is really well behaved.
Redux says
Just FYI, I read this as “Vienetta vibe” so that’s touchstone level of fancy, ha!
Anonymous says
Apparently Viennetta is back! My grocery store doesn’t carry it, though.
GCA says
Ha! I blame childhood Viennettas for my undying love of ice cream cake. (Is it still sold under the Wall’s brand in the UK?)
OP - Troubled DH says
Thanks for all of the comments yesterday; I feel heard, and not alone, and you all gave me some things to try / think about.
To those who said ‘just divorce’ – of course, I’ve thought about it. But here’s the thing: he’s not abusive. He loves me and the kids to death, and the feeling is mutual. He’s always been incredibly supportive of my career choices. He’s just ill – chronically ill, and it’s unknown whether or not this is as good as it’s going to get. Moreover, I’m not sure what divorce really solves for me, here. I separate the kids from someone they love, we lose his financial contributions (in fact, I may need to pay alimony), and I end up doing 100% of the work for the kids. Plus, I hurt someone I very much love, in spite of everything.
Years back, when I finally confronted him about his drinking and gave him the choice of the booze or the family, he chose us. What none of us could have known at the time was that the alcohol was covering some very significant mental health issues, and once he quit drinking my confident, successful, emotionally invincible DH became crippled with anxiety, insecurity, and shame. We’re all still navigating how to live with this new version of him.
Anyway, thanks for all of the thoughtful responses. No one is guaranteed a perfect life, a perfect spouse, kids who are always healthy and high-achieving. I’m wondering if maybe I suggest that *he* take a step back from work for a while – give him more time and space to work on himself, without the pressure of working fulltime with kids. It might free up some of his emotional bandwidth to manage the other routine stresses of life.
anon says
Big hugs. This is really hard, and you sound amazingly level-headed and realistic about the situation. It does sound like something with the meds isn’t quite working, so I would definitely revisit this particular combination. I do think you could use therapy for yourself if only to process all the changes your family and your marriage have been through.
Anonymous says
Internet hugs from someone who has been there. Your suggestion that he temporarily step back from work is a good one, especially since he has his own practice and should have some control over his workload and ability to ramp back up when he is ready. I also want to echo all the voices that have said that it does not sound like his medications are optimized, and it may be necessary for you to get involved with the doctors and push for better results. Medication can’t always fix everything, but you should be able to expect better daily functioning than you are currently getting.
2 Cents says
+1 to getting meds evaluated. Not the same situation but when I noticed my DH wasn’t improving after months on medication, with his permission (after, admittedly, nagging), I accompanied him to his therapist and psychiatrist to tell them what I was seeing at home and why I thought the meds weren’t right—something still wasn’t right. Turns out he’d only been telling his doctors half the story and didn’t mention the scary things I’d been seeing at home (wanting to give up a beloved hobby and give it all away, very depressed, etc). They were able to adjust his talk therapy and medication and knew what to ask in the future.
Anonymous says
I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately but you are walking a hard road. Hugs. You’re right: we’re not guaranteed an easy life, even though we might think that’s what we want.
Spirograph says
I stayed out of this yesterday because I don’t have relevant first-hand experience… but I just want to send some internet hugs your way and suggest you to talk about this with close RL friends if you’re comfortable. One of my good friends is in what sounds like a very similar situation, and while I can’t solve her challenges, I know she gets some relief from talking about them and I hope my listening ear & support are helpful to her.
Anon says
you have an amazing perspective. I didn’t really get the comments that were like just divorce him. We all keep saying as a society that mental illness should be de stigmatized and treated as legitimate as physical illness. I would’ve been livid if my dad had divorced my mom when she had a brain tumor. And then when my mom was depressed bc she had a brain tumor.
Anonymous says
The smug “just divorce him” comments always drive me crazy. It’s like the marriage version of POOPCUPS. They congratulate themselves on their wonderful judgment in selecting the perfect spouse, when in reality it’s impossible to know up front everything about how your spouse and marriage will evolve. They also minimize the risks and consequences of divorce. For example, OP’s husband would likely get joint legal custody and 50% parenting time, and she might have to pay him child support and even spousal support. She might not believe that unsupervised parenting time is safe, and might conclude that her children would be better insulated from his illness living full-time with both parents.
anon says
+1. There are a lot of downsides to divorce, even if the marriage isn’t perfect. Of course I’m not advocating for staying in a horrible situation, but divorce doesn’t solve every problem once kids and custody arrangements are involved.
Anonymous says
+1000. The “just divorce him” comments are clearly from people who haven’t faced any difficult or unexpected blows in their marriages. It’s incredibly complicated. And for something like a serious health issue? That should not be anyone’s knee jerk reaction.
Anonymous says
He’s an addict who is barely functional and making her walk on eggshells. Which means their child is learning that home isn’t safe.
anonM says
Even if the comments are from people who have been divorced, everyone I know who is happily divorced and confident it was the right choice for them still wouldn’t have listened to a “just divorce him” comments before they were ready and the decision/timing made sense for their specific situation. What can be helpful as an outsider is giving some frame fo reference on these lines between a partner having a hard time and treatment no one should have to endure or tolerate. Even on an anonymous blog, I wish some posters would think about what is actually helpful or useful to add.
Anon says
I didn’t have a kneejerk “divorce him” reaction to yesterday’s OP because as noted above the children would likely have unsupervised time with him and might not be safe in his care. But don’t pretend this is like divorcing your spouse after a cancer diagnosis. He’s not functional and not taking the steps to get functional, and the spouse and children having to walk on eggshells is a really damaging environment for the kids to grow up in. I would 100% say divorce him if there were a way to get sole custody of the kids.
Anonymous says
Kudos to you, OP, for your strength and wisdom. Life is unpredictable, and I find that can also be comforting too – things are going to change, and I hope that in your case the change is for the better, and soon.
Curious says
OP, thanks for circling back. We are here for you as you navigate this. It is so hard and your approach is clearly filled with love.
Anonymous says
Hugs. My husband has similar though not identical mental health challenges, plus another chronic illness. It’s a lot. We made the decision late last year that he step back from work. He is now doing some part time contracting work rather than working full time (though we’ve kept the kids in full time daycare). It has not cured all of our problems, but it has been very helpful in giving him time and space to address his own needs. Obviously this is not an option for everyone, and we are sacrificing some things to be able to make this work. But it has been worth it so far.
Aunt Jamesina says
You seem like such a thoughtful partner! Marriage is such an evolving thing. My husband had to step up during a health crisis of mine early on in our marriage (I ended up leaving my job after burning through FMLA leave), and I remember thinking I was such a burden to him while he showed me so much compassion. We’ve since taken turns being the one to take care of the other. Life is long.
I think the point someone made yesterday that your husband’s major contribution to your family right now should be working on his health, which makes a lot of sense to me. Your idea for him to step back sounds like a step in the right direction, even if I’m sure it’s not easy on you! Cheering you on.
Al-anon in the family says
I’m glad you checked back. With your comment about paying alimony, divorce is problematic. Plus, unless he is truly unfit, with divorce he would get custody of the kids, alone, without you there – which could be very unsafe but you would have less control. Similarly, if he steps back, he would have an even higher claim in divorce.
Someone yesterday posted that her former boss/attorney used legal assistants as family assistants, and it’s possible that he could hire someone who would make it easier to run his business, take a mental load off him, and who could also do some things for the family (coordinate groceries, pay bills, research summer camps, make pediatrician appointments). The assistant could take a load off. There are also ADHD coaches and business coaches that might help him work more effectively, if his depression impacts his effectiveness. Maybe instead of shutting the business (very hard to restart) maybe he should take on fewer clients? Be more choosy in who he takes as a client? Not knowing what type of practice he has makes it hard to advise.
It’s hard in that managing meds for someone in your husband’s condition is a job in itself. I think it’s important that you go with him to appointments and tell the doctors that the meds just aren’t cutting it. That he needs an adjustment, with a goal of more than just surviving.
And I hope that you can get the support that you need and the rest/recovery that it seems like you’ll need.
So Anon says
I hope that my comment was not one that came across as “just divorce,” because that is not what I intended or would ever tell you if we were friends IRL. And, I would not tell you that you have to stay in this marriage because of the children/logistics of divorce/alimony. You are right that no one is guaranteed a perfect life and no one can be promised a life of health and good fortune. And, he does have an obligation to do everything in his power to manage his illnesses. You can help but you do not have to bleed yourself dry before insisting on change. That isn’t fair to you or your children. You matter in this equation too. You say that he isn’t abusive, but I gently want you to know that not all abuse is overt and the person does not have to intend to hurt you for their behavior to become abusive towards you. If his shame is entirely inward, then maybe there are not mean comments directed at you. You mentioned that a comment from one of your kids can send him spiraling, what message does that send to the kids. They know far more than we realize, but they are unable to realize that the behaviour is not their responsibility. You mentioned that you walk on eggshells. What would it feel like if you could take a full breath and not have to engage in so much self-censorship? What if you could be your true and authentic self?
Anonymous says
Not OP, but your post did not come across to me as “just divorce” at all. Very nuanced.
Anonymous says
Obvi it didn’t. It was mine. That said “just get a divorce.”
Anon says
I commented on yesterday’s thread (also not coming across as just divorce I hope!) and it was the walking on eggshells that stood out to me. I have one alcoholic parent who is currently in recovery and doing really well. We have a great relationship now. But walking on eggshells in your own home is, I think, really hard for anyone – adult or especially a child. That’s what makes this difference from a cancer diagnosis to me. It’s really hard to feel like you have the responsibility for your parent’s emotional state. That’s different than having a parent who needs more rest and alone them than most parents.
That said, it does sound like there are potential options in terms of therapy, him stepping back at work, changes in medication! I definitely think it makes sense to work through those! I just think when you’ve been living with something for a while it can be hard to know why a drain it is on you mentally and that stood out to me as something that is a SERIOUS drain.
On shared custody, it’s true that’s an issue but I think it’s also good to remember that having one house where you DO feel totally safe half the time can be better than never feeling totally safe ever. And it takes the more stable parent out of the role of smoothing over problems between the other parent and the kids. Again, not saying to jump to that – just that I think that factor can be overlooked.
Tips for being away from your toddler for the first time says
I’ll be taking my first overnight away from our daughter (15 months) since she was born. I’ll actually have several overnights over a few week period (for IVF appointments – we now live in a different city than the city we started the IVF process in and where our frozen embryos still live, so I travel back for the appointments).
She’s always been a super chill and happy baby, but we’re starting to see the first signs of 16 month separation anxiety and wanting mama. Excellent timing, right?
How do I make this as smooth as possible for both of us (and for dada)?
Cb says
I took my first trip at that age, and there were tears, but ultimately kid and dad were fine, and probably better for it? So no real advice, but reassurance that they will both be fine.
Anon says
My husband was the preferred parent and I think he went away for the first time around that age. I explained it (not sure how much actually sunk in) and it was honestly fine – out of sight, out of mind. I was surprised by how well it went.
anonM says
15 months might be a little young for things like countdown “love you loops” (see Daniel Tiger). But at that age, a printed photo of you to look at during bedtime or when she’s sad can really help. You and your partner should also discuss ahead of time how you’ll handle phone calls. DH travels from work, and as much as I appreciate him wanting to talk to us every chance he gets, we’ve settled on a routine with the kids – one am call (usually during breakfast) and facetime an hour before bed. Right before bed sometimes upset them, and trying to fit in too many calls led to it being more stressful and less fun. My guess is, at that age, she’ll be fine and easy enough to distract. I’d think about what YOU need to feel ok while you’re gone. Take some extra videos of her, have your partner send you daily videos and pictures, plan a nice coffee/spa/etc etc so that you can treat the time away as a recharge instead of just feeling bad/sad/whatever it is for you. The first time away can be hard, and also nice, but then I would feel guilty for being glad to be away, and on top of it you’ve been in secluded Covid land since she’s been born, so give yourself some grace!
Anonymous says
I took my first business trip at around that age. “Out of sight, out of mind” tracks well with our experience. It may even be easier to avoid calls or FaceTime with her, as this can be disruptive to the routine on the home front.
Anon says
Yes – I totally forgot about that but the first time we did Face Time it resulted it a lot of crying and flipping the phone over in dismay. We avoided it after that.
DLC says
I think it’s harder for the parents than for the kid, honestly.
When I’ve had to travel for work I just had to put my faith in my husband and trust that he would take care of everything. I found that giving mental space to worrying how my kid was doing while they had a perfectly capable caregiver made me really distracted at work, so I just had to let it go. See what your partnet needs. My husband preferred limited contact while I was gone because facetiming would inevitably lead to meltdowns and confusion for him to deal with.
Spirograph says
This. And if it doesn’t feel hard for you, don’t worry about it! I love my family, but when I’m away, I am away. I don’t like to spend time and energy missing them or wondering what’s going on at home. I was away overnight on many occasions when my kids were toddlers (including multi-day, completely vacations with my sister), and the kids and my husband were fine. We usually don’t do facetime when a parent is away, and definitely not when the kids were really young. DH and I would text throughout the day or talk at night after the kids went to bed, but mostly I just let my husband handle it however worked for him and greeted them all warmly when I got home.
Good luck with the IVF!
Anon. says
Two pieces of advice:
1) At that age they understand more than we give them credit for. It seems to help mine if I tell her when I’m leaving/returning. “Mommy won’t be home tonight after school, but daddy will be here with you. I’ll be home when you are done with school tomorrow.”
2) Decide now what amount of contact you are going to have (if any) when you are gone. Are you going to try to call or facetime? I pretty much never do when it’s just one or two nights – it sets mine off more than if I just stay gone.
And echoing the others, it will be fine.
Tips for being away from your toddler for the first time says
Thanks for all the insight and suggestions!
I should have mentioned that my husband has probably taken 10-12 trips overnight (1-5 nights) since she was born, all of which have gone well on the home front, and she loves Facetime with dada and doesn’t get sad/angry about it, so hopefully that works for me as well.
Aunt Jamesina says
My apologies if this is already on your radar, but you can pay to have your embryos transferred to another clinic if you want. Totally understand wanting to stick with a clinic that you’re comfortable and familiar with, though!
Tips for being away from your toddler for the first time says
Thanks! No need to apologize, and yes, this is already on my radar. However, given that it’s an easy drive (NYC to Boston) and I really like my Boston dr and clinic, and I (totally irrationally) worst-case-scenario think BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN TRANSIT AND I LOSE THEM ALL, we decided it made more sense to just commute back :)
I swear, I’m very rational normally.
Aunt Jamesina says
Oh I can TOTALLY understand that worry! There’s so much at stake.
PetiteMom says
Happy Friday! How much vacation do you ladies have/take? I am an attorney working as a consultant and get paid hourly. I have been with this employer/project for a year now. All days off are of course unpaid and yet I have anxiety about requesting time off for the fear of appearing not committed. We as a family value our vacations plus my parents live in Europe. I took a week off for Thanksgiving and I would like to request a week of at the end of month begging of March. I also plan to vising my family in Europe in the summer and I would need a week off then and the rest of the trip work remotely (company is fully remote). I value this gig because it is laid back and I can cover the sick day/off days for my son who is 5.
I am curious to know your opinion before I call my recruiter to ask for time off for this month…
Thanks ladies!
Anon says
Oh, that seems totally normal to me.
I used to take very minimal vacation, but I think it’s pretty normal to take a week around the holidays, a week in the spring, and a summer week. So that’s three weeks total.
This year, I took 10 days at Christmas, am taking a week for vacation in late spring, a week at 4th of July, and probably a few long weekends.
Anonymous says
I agree with this for salaried employees. In my observation contract employees working full-time tend to take one or two weeks’ vacation max, but more because they don’t have paid vacation than because anyone would look askance at their taking time off. My husband’s contract employees from overseas also tend to take multi-week trips home every few years.
EDAnon says
I agree that this is pretty normal and probably less common for contracted workers. But if you can afford the time off, then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Anon says
I work in higher ed (staff) and have generous vacation leave: 4 weeks plus a week off at Christmas/NYE when the university is closed. No one balks at you using all your vacation leave, and I do. It usually works out to three weeklong trips (one of which is a visit to a family vacation home) and several long weekends. This year, because of Covid I have a lot of accrued time, so I’m planning six weeklong trips and a bunch of long weekends. I feel like people may not be happy about that, but they can deal.
Anon says
I also work as staff in higher ed. the pay is horrible but the PTO is nice. I had so many canceled trips that last summer i was able to take off 3 consecutive weeks
Anonymous says
I miss the 4 weeks’ vacation, 12 sick days, 3 personal days, and extended holiday break I used to get in higher ed. Now I have a single PTO bank that all gets used up for sick days and kid errands.
Anon at 10:43 says
Yeah, the pay is terrible but the time off and retirement benefits will keep me here until I retire, I’m pretty sure.
EDAnon says
I am in higher ed and also get 4 weeks plus office closure at the holidays (which I LOVE). I get separate sick leave (13 days per year) plus 5 personal days. I use almost all of it (including most of my sick leave between maternity leaves, kid illness, and covid quarantine).
My pay is not what it would be in the private sector, but I am management and my compensation is very good for my role/city.
Anonymous says
I get 3 weeks (15 days) plus approx 10 paid holidays and 3 personal days. Have been working at my nonprofit org for 6 years, in fairly senior role.
EP-er says
Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. I am almost embarrassed by the amount of time off I have compared to others. I get 6 weeks PTO, plus ~15 holidays, and separate sick time. It resets every calendar year, so use it or lose it. I try really hard to not give days back, but it is a lot of time! Culturally, It is okay to take a week off a few times a year but the expectation is that you are managing your workload and not taking time off during crazy busy time. The caveat is — I usually check my mail every day, even on vacation. I might work for 30 minutes – one hour in the morning while everyone else is still sleeping every other day, but don’t go to meetings. I find that spending that little bit makes things less crazy when I get back. I can delegate urgent items and get ahead before things blow up.
I really think that this is a “know your office” situation. I wouldn’t bat an eye at three weeks of vacation schedule for the year, as long as they aren’t during busy times with a lot of deliverables.
Pogo says
This sounds like my org. If you wanted to be REALLY off the map, you’d need to delegate; otherwise, people generally try to take longer stretches of time off in August (when all of Europe is gone anyway) or around the holidays. But many people (myself included) do a week in the winter to someplace warm, at least 2 weeks in the summer to the Cape or Maine, and a bunch of time off at Christmas.
FVNC says
I have 32 days PTO: 20 vacation days and 12 company holidays (8 fixed days and 4 flex days). For the first time this year, I’m going to try to take them all — a mix of long weekends and full-week trips (including time off for relocating this summer). Vacation doesn’t accrue/roll over. Context: large public company.
OP, what you’re proposing sounds completely reasonable and if you can swing the unpaid time, I wouldn’t have any second thoughts about taking those days.
Spirograph says
Seems very reasonable to me!
I get 20 days vacation, 3 personal days, 10 sick days (which I also use to cover any med appts for me and the kids), and there are 10 company holidays along with some half days leading up to major holidays. PTO doesn’t roll over year to year, so I aim to use it all up.
That usually ends up as some long weekends throughout the year, a week for spring break, a week in the summer, extra days around Thanksgiving, and a week or two around Christmas/New Years
Boston Legal Eagle says
Similar to EP-er, this year, based on my tenure with the company, I’m going to have about 5 weeks “flex time,” 5 days that carried over, 2 Covid bonus flex days, 3 floaters and I think 11 co. holidays. No separate sick leave but can take from flex. A lot of senior people work at least a bit on vacation but I try not to – made possible by my great team. I try to plan around our busy times but things come up and then I work to delegate before I leave. Working on vacation depends very much on the teams’ culture. I may even take my first 2-week summer trip since my honeymoon!
MNF says
You all warned me, but now I know — Summer Camp registration He11. We’re trying to send our kid to a couple weeks of the “camp” offered by her preschool. Registration opened today (i.e., midnight) and I heard from the coordinator this morning that they really would like the kids to do the majority of the summer and, also, registration is essentially a request. Like they take all the requests and then try to fit the puzzle pieces to get the best schedule for most families. If that’s the case, why did I stay up until midnight to register? Could this have been an email?
FVNC says
Yes! I’m so glad someone here mentioned camp registrations in NoVA. We planned to start looking in February (which is when camp registration has opened in other places we’ve lived!) but the camps in our new town opened in January …and many camps were full already. Who knows their exact summer plans six-eight months in advance?! Preschool/daycare summer “camp” has, for us, just meant an activity fee + extra fun (like magicians, trip to bounce house) so that’s super annoying that your preschool is adding this stressor!
DLC says
Summer camp registration really shouldn’t be this cut throat!
Well, PSA for anyone in Montgomery County MD – county rec summer camp registration opens on February 22!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our camp filled up for some of the weeks right after we registered… in early January. I don’t want to think about the process when my kids actually request specialty camps!
Embryo failed to implant says
Yesterday I found out that my embryo transfer failed and I am not pregnant. Our first cycle went well and we now have a healthy and active toddler, so I was hopeful it would work just as easily this time around as well. We have a retaining mosaic embryo which we are considering using, and I am in the FB and Reddit groups about mosaic embryos. How do you deal with disappointment?
Anon says
I’m so sorry.
I’ve been kind-of there (our first embryo transfer failed to implant, and our second resulted in our healthy and active toddler). It’s hard. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. For me, knowing what the “next step” would be after any setback is helpful.
We’re starting the path towards baby #2 with an eye to our first FET in March or April, and I keep reminding myself that it could take a few tries and that I trust my body and that good things will come in the right time.
Aunt Jamesina says
Oh, I’m so sorry. I found that taking a few days to process and then jumping into planning our next steps with our doctor was most helpful for me. It’s such a tough process.
Anonymous says
I just wanted to send a big big hug. I have been here. It is awful. Not many understand.
For us, I got through by keeping a page in my planner called “what to do when we get bad news.” It had a list of 5 things, like “plan fun travel for us as a couple” (yes, I know, pandemic), or “enjoy sleeping in on weekends” or even “more time to focus on eating healthier and getting in shape.” For some reason, the last one really comforted me, but others might find it triggering. You know yourself best. Again, hugs and my commiseration.
So Anon says
I’m so sorry. While I have not been in that exact boat (I’ve been through other failed fertility procedures), I hope that you can give yourself whatever space and time you need to feel all of the feels or whatever feels best to you.
valentines day favors? says
Happy February!
The Valentines Day party reminders are starting to come in-
What are your best, least annoying, non-food Valentines day favors to buy in bulk and send to class. Kids are 10 and 5.
I’ve always been pretty minimal about class Valentines Day stuff, but it’s been such a sh*tty year (or two) that I want to indulge the kids this year.
Anonymous says
Heart shaped glasses- my kids love them.
Anonymous says
If you really want to indulge your kids, take them to Target and let them pick out whatever plastic cr@p, boxed cards, and mailbox kits they like. My kid always finds that much more special than any fancy craft, environmentally friendly repurposed mailbox, or amazing favor I come up with.
ElisaR says
our valentines came w/ glow sticks which i thought was pretty cute.
anon says
My 5yos love temporary tattoos and I find them less annoying than plastic trinkets because they’re consumable.
Pogo says
+1 I ordered some on Amazon that come w/ the tattoo included in each card
Spirograph says
+1 our valentines are all temp tattoos this year
Anon says
Maybe those little keychain sized pop-it toys for that age? My kid’s friends are getting little crayons and coloring cards but they’re in preschool. :)
anon says
I’m doing pop-it toys for my 8 y/o but my 10 y/o deemed them uncool, so I’m doing fancy pens.
Anon says
glow stick necklaces
Anon says
Are Valentines for classmates something your school or daycare suggests, or do you just know to do it on your own? I wasn’t planning on doing anything because I haven’t heard anything about it from daycare but I don’t want my kid to be the only one without anything to hand out.
First Time Homebuyer says
My husband and I are trying to figure out how much we want our budget to be for a house. We plan to buy one in 6-10 months. We are having our 2nd child in a few months and then will want to buy once life settles down a bit after the baby arrives. We both have comfortable, family friendly government jobs with a HHI of $260k. We will have at least $85k set aside for a down payment but likely won’t have a full 20% down payment so we are looking at PMI. We currently don’t have any other debt, but once baby arrives we will have about $3600/month in daycare costs until my older daughter goes to kindergarten in 3 years.
A lot of the houses I like in our area are around the $700k mark but I’m beginning to think that should be out of our price range. We could probably find something decent closer to $600k, but we would be compromising on a lot of what we want in a “forever home.” We do not want to be house poor. We want to be able to save for college, potentially helping aging parents down the road, and our own retirement.
We are both the first in our families to go to college. I, in particular, come from a very blue collar lower middle class upbringing where you just barely made it from paycheck to paycheck, so I have no idea how to deal with the “we have a good amount of money but should we be spending it this way” issues. I think this background also makes me feel bummed out that I have come so far, but can now barely afford a house in the same area as my perpetually broke parents because of housing price inflation.
Anonymous says
But you aren’t broke. And you can afford a 700k house and many of your peers with your finances might stretch it to 900k. If you want to stick to 600k great, but if it’s miserable and not the house you want, don’t.
Anon says
Think about what you are willing to compromise on in a house, and what you are not. Space, amenities, yard size, location/school district. If you buy a house where the finishes are dated but is structurally sound, you can make cosmetic updates when funds are available. If you want a house that doesn’t need cosmetic or other maintenance, you might be able to get that in a smaller house.
Anon says
I am having similar discussions about moving. For us, it has been hard to look at places that sold in 2018-2019 that are now $100k-$200k more. We almost jumped on something recently, but decided to hold back. We are now thinking we will stay where we are for at least 2-3 more years. We thought we were ready to do it, but I am getting cold feet about locking in a higher monthly payment for housing. We are a few years from our oldest entering Kindergarten, which will give us some more wiggle room in our budget.
Also, the housing market just seems so crazy right now! I don’t think prices will necessarily go down, but surely they cannot keep increasing at the rate that they have been since the pandemic.
Anon says
We are also FTHB and fiddling a lot with our budget. Mortgagecalculator DOT org has been helpful for us to see how much things will cost, esp with property tax. Not sure if you also have staggering property tax rates…We live in a county where property tax is insane (3% more or less depending on the town) and it has caused us to scale back significantly on house budget.
I also commiserate with you on housing price inflation..it’s out of control.
Anon says
I don’t think 3% property tax is insane? We pay that and I thought it was pretty normal. My husband interviewed for a job in a town with a 16% property tax rate!
Anon says
Where is the property tax rate 16%? I’m in Westchester, which has the highest taxes in the country, and pay much less than that percentage-wise… but I’m paying $17K/year on a 1500 sq ft house
Anonymous says
3% is very high. Ours is 0.81%. A 16% real estate tax rate would be insane, unless assessed values were a small fraction of market values.
Ifiknew says
I think 35% or less of take home to be your mortgage is good. I’d buy what you need now and not a forever home. It’s really not bad to trade up when you can and so much better to make do with less.
Spirograph says
I agree to buy what you need now while your family is still growing and not necessarily think of it as a “forever home.” My current house, purchased when I was pregnant with #1, was a perfect house for babies and young kids. Limitations are becoming apparent now that we have 3 school age kids, and I mentioned below we’re seriously considering moving this year. Moving is a pain, but I’m glad I didn’t have (and pay for) way more house than we needed for the last 10 years.
EJF says
If you’re still reading, I’d love to know what you are realizing you need in a house now with school-aged kids that you don’t have currently. My children are 1 and 4. We are looking for something we’d hopefully stay at for a long time, but of course, it is hard to know how our wants/needs will change. I’d love to hear what you are looking for now with older kids!
Anonymous says
Different poster. With school-aged kids, I really wish I had some sort of rec room or finished basement for sleepovers, for tween movie/video game/music jam sessions, and as a place to send the kids during gatherings while adults hang out in the main living areas. If you think you may want an au pair at some point, it would also be nice to have a guest room with its own bathroom, preferably in a different area of the house from the family bedrooms. Of course, now it would be good to have two home offices.
Anonymous says
Bigger closets, more/bigger bathrooms, mudroom.
Spirograph says
I’m actually not too worried about bathrooms or closets (and our closets are small! but it helps us be judicious with what we keep), although it would be nice to have a kid bathroom and a grow-up bathroom. Our second bathroom is in the basement, not near any bedrooms. In order of importance:
1. Mudroom. We also don’t have a garage, and now that we’ve got 5 bikes and a bunch of sports gear, we could really use one.
2. Traffic flow: Our house is closed concept and there is only one way to get through the main floor.
I don’t necessarily want open concept, but our small, galley-style kitchen is a thoroughfare because the basement stairs to the family room is there, and foot traffic while someone’s working in the kitchen is really tough. (It also would be nice to have a kitchen big enough for 2 people, but that wouldn’t matter as much if you didn’t have to walk through it to get everywhere).
3. All of our kids share a bedroom, and since we have boys and a girl, that won’t be great for much longer. I did not work from home pre-covid, but now I need a home office and it’s currently in the extra bedroom. Our best option to reshuffle puts me and DH upstairs without a bathroom on that floor, and my office in our bedroom, neither of which is ideal. 4 bedrooms would be a lot more comfortable.
Anonymous says
How is your credit? We just bought and at the close, our lawyer said we had the lowest rate he’d seen in years, perhaps ever. If you can get a good deal on a 30-year, the difference between $700K and $600K isn’t going to move the needle on college savings, etc. in the long-run. Remember, you’re BUILDING equity, not throwing the money away. It’s an investment in yourself.
anonM says
If you and your partner have moved SE classes, you should really take a look at some wealth management/finances literature, and maybe talk to a financial planner about long-term goals. Chubby FIRE has a lot of good info (reddit). Are your goals to retire early? Be financially independent? Or are you ok with a mortgage for a long time? I’d also think a lot about the size difference in the house/yard, the type of neighborhood, etc. Will you like the public schools there? If a big yard, how much really is upkeep going to cost (law service, fall clean up, planting, trimming, etc.)? How much to outfit/paint/update the house? Increased utilities, housekeeping costs, etc.? Maybe you can wait a few more years in the same house in order to comfortably afford your dream house. Between DH and I, we have family with very low and very high incomes, and some on both ends of the spectrum live paycheck to paycheck. Income does not always equal financial wisdom, security, or literacy.
Spirograph says
Do you work with a financial planner at all? Even if not, this is a perfect use case to call up a fee-based financial planner and ask him/her to help you run some scenarios. It will cost you some money (maybe a couple hundred to $2k, max?) up front, but it would be well worth it to me for the peace of mind. We’re looking at moving this year and our financial planner’s analysis was hugely helpful in my coming to terms with a higher price point being not only within our reach, but a reasonable decision in the long run.
First Time Homebuyer says
We do have a financial planner; we started working with him when we started seriously thinking about what buying a house would look like for us. He hasn’t been super helpful in setting a budget. He is more along the lines of “tell me what you want/need in terms of budget and I’ll help you get there.” FWIW he didn’t push back too much on a $650k figure my husband threw out on our last call and seemed to think we could still reach our retirement and college savings goals.
We have about $13,000/month take home pay after taxes, insurance, and retirement savings. Even if we spend $3500 on daycare and $3500 on a mortgage each month, we will still have $6k left over for everything else. The part of me that is still a blue collar single-mom’s kid thinks that should be plenty ($6k/month is still much more than my mom’s total take home pay)… but I also want a different kind of life than I had– e.g. I don’t want to stress over money if the house needs a repair or if we suddenly have a big medical bill or something.
Spirograph says
Have you done a cash flow analysis? That was step one in with our planner, and then he operated under the assumption that our expenses would never go *down* (even in retirement). And that’s been true; we’re not suddenly flush with cash because we’re not paying for daycare x3, that money is just going different places. Your expenses will certainly go up with a new baby, so hopefully that’s already factored in.
From there, he created a bunch of models we can play with the variables on… so we can see what happens to cash flow now and in retirement if we buy a $500k house vs a $1M house? What if we want to retire sooner? Ultimately it *is* about what you’re comfortable with, but a data-based approach that amortizes big one-time expenses is your friend.
FVNC says
Not a FTHB, but I commiserate. We’ll need to buy a new place this summer following a relocation, and while we should benefit from the inflated market on the sale of our current home, our next home purchase is going to be so much more than I’m comfortable with (even though on paper, it’s clearly within our budget).
All that said, from an outsider’s perspective, not knowing anything about your savings or expenses other than daycare, a $700k home with HHI of $260k sounds really, really do-able. The only thing I’d caution is, are the $700k homes really going for that amount, or for $50-100k more? We’re finding we need to set our budget much lower than our top end, in order to be able to compete with multiple over-asking bids.
Anon says
This is an important point about things going over asking price! My husband and I have been tracking the recently sold listings on Zillow in our target neighborhoods. On the price history, you can see what it sold for vs what it was listed for, which gives an idea of what is going over asking price (and by how much…).
Anon says
Hmm not sure I agree that a $700k home purchase on a $260k salary sounds comfortable. We bought a $400k house on a HHI of about $170k. It was pretty comfortable, but I think it would have been a real stretch for us to go above $500k, and that was with a >20% down payment and no daycare expenses at the time. OP earns $90k more than we do, but a huge chunk of that is eaten up by taxes and daycare bills. $700k seems like a real stretch to me on that income.
Boston Legal Eagle says
In some areas (like my HCOL area), you won’t be able to find a decent house below $500K. In this market, a decent house with not a ton of work needed will run $700-800K. New builds are north of $1 mill. If OP is in such an area, I don’t think it’s crazy to buy a $700K house on that salary.
Anon says
Yeah, I get that, but then you have to accept that you’re going to be house poor, which she says she doesn’t want. I personally think it would be hard to buy a $700k house on that salary and not feel very house poor.
Anonymous says
Right. And also, while nothing is certain, you can pretty much count on houses in those areas at least keeping pace with inflation if not appreciating significantly. My house was $450k when I bought it in 2012 and would likely go for $600k+ now. It’s a modest, 1940s 3/2 on a small lot that needs a new roof soon. That’s just what a single family home in a “good” school district (and mine’s not even that good, compared to the really rich neighborhoods) costs around here. I wouldn’t choose a big mortgage if it meant skimping on retirement savings, but there’s a case to be made for spending a higher percentage of your budget on housing if can squint and see your house as an asset/investment.
First Time Homebuyer OP says
Yes, we are in a relatively HCOL area. It is a pretty far out suburb that happens to be close to our workplaces, has very good public schools, and is close to our families, so we are not considering any other locations. At this point you really can’t get a SFH for less than $500k. For the space and other “must haves” on our list we are really looking at $600k+. These are not fancy, flashy houses by any means– they are 1960’s-built modest suburban homes. Sadly, homes that meet our needs have gone up $150k or more in the last few years in our area.
Boston Legal Eagle says
First Time Homebuyer – sounds like my area. Most of the houses are 1950s-1970s (which is actually “new” in Boston, ha), 3-4 bed, 1.5-2.5 baths. Most are updated inside at least. Those are the ones 700-800K now. You can take a look at your net salary and see how much housing costs you can support, with the understanding that daycare will not always be $3,600/month. Your housing costs all in will probably be around $3,000-3,500/month. So if that will leave you with enough left over per month, you can do it for the pricy daycare years. And then put the difference after you’re out of daycare into 529s!
FVNC says
Interesting. When we purchased our current home, our mortgage was $600k with a HHI of a little over $300k. Even if OP doesn’t have 20% down payment, the mortgage will be for an amount significantly less than $700k. We also pay $$ for private school tuition and daycare (about $3500/mo total…a whole second mortgage!). That’s what I was basing my comment on, but of course the specifics of each situation will vary.
First Time Homebuyer says
Oh I’ve been obsessively following our local market for 2 years now. The desirable houses are still typically going $35k-$50k+ over asking, but my $700k estimate takes that into consideration.
Momofthree says
A few thoughts:
1) whether housing prices can keep going up. My husband works in FIN and he’s convinced that they will have to slow down. However, I’ve been reading articles like this: https://www.npr.org/2021/09/04/1033585422/the-housing-shortage-is-significant-its-acute-for-small-entry-level-homes and there’s a HUGE shortage of houses that I don’t think is going to be overcome in the near term.
2) How much would it cost to rent a similar house in the area- then compare that to the cost of the mortgage. A lot of people will tell you that renting is a bad idea (you don’t build equity)- BUT if for right now, you’ve got higher than normal expenses (i.e., daycare) and you want some room to build a bigger down payment or use some of the $3600 that will go to daycare to go towards the house and there’s a rental market that fits within your budget, that seems like a possible option. On the other hand, if there’s no rental market/ bad rental/ crazy expensive rental and you’ve outgrown your current place you may need to buy.
On the childcare point- our childcare is currently 2x our mortgage. We are debating moving to a larger house, but only b/c we know we’re done having kids and the end of the nanny is within 1.5years. (we make ~280k, have a 3k mortgage and bought a house that was 800k with a 20% down payment)
Momofthree says
Me again- I can’t add today- we make $380k, not $280k, so that changes the calculus. Sorry for any confusion.
First Time Homebuyer says
I hate the market right now so much, but I really think we need to buy sometime this year or maybe next. We have outgrown our current 3 BR townhouse rental in the same town we are looking to buy. My husband WFH full time now and when he has to go back in the office it will only be 1 day per week, so we need a space where he can have an office area and the new baby will kick him out of the space he uses now. There typically are not larger homes for rent in our area, I have rarely seen anything other than a townhouse or condo go up for rent and I do follow the markets pretty closely.
Our other concern with sticking it out in the rental market any longer is that we are 35 and 36 years old. If we are talking about a 30 year mortgage we are looking at mortgage payments until retirement age already. Or is this something people don’t take into consideration?
Anonymous says
Taking on a 30-year mortgage now does not mean that you will be paying that mortgage into retirement. Most people will move or refinance at some point and/or downsize for retirement. If you do keep the same 30-year-mortgage, it will be a much less significant expense 30 years from now thanks to inflation. After your kids are out of college you’ll probably also have much more money to throw at paying down the mortgage early.
Momofthree says
I’ve generally heard that you should plan on staying in a house 5-7 years (since the costs of buying and selling a home are not insignificant) but I don’t think most people plan on paying their mortgage off and live in the same place for 30 years.
Anonymous says
What condition are the $600K houses in v. the $700K houses? In the current environment, where repairs, maintenance, and updates are very expensive and can entail long wait times, I would want a house where the windows, entry doors, roof, HVAC, water heater, etc. were relatively new and expected to last at least another 10 years, and where I could live with the kitchen and bathrooms for at least that long. The value of our house is nowhere near what you’re looking at, but we spend an obscene amount of money just keeping it from falling apart.
Anon says
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice. But wanted to chime in as a fellow FTHB who also was the first in the family to go to college. We bought too small of a house when we started in a MCOL area. I was pregnant, we had ~170K HHI, and we bought a house for 300K. It was significantly bigger than either house we’d grown up in, and worth several times more than our parents’ homes. However, two kids and a dog later and we had to move again. Now we’re at 250K HHI and bought a 650K house. We should have bought this one then (when it would have been just over 500K) and saved the hassle of moving 7 years later.
If you at all think your income will rise, if you are certain about staying in the area, if you think you’ll want multiple kids, then fight that voice in your head that says “it’s good enough, we don’t need more” and really try to adjust for the house you want. It’s okay to want more, it’s okay to spend more, it’s okay to feel a little uppity. The perk of making as much as you do is that you can spend it on a nice comfortable house that will grow and adapt as your family grows up.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is the worst form of “snow day” – kids are home but we can’t go outside as there’s freezing rain and the roads are icy. My older one especially goes stir crazy being cooped up inside. Ugh. How’s everyone else’s Friday going?
Anon says
Awful. Daycare is closed for the third straight day for snow, even though it stopped snowing at noon yesterday and roads were fine this morning. It’s single digit temps, so too cold to go outside and play in our yard. This is after basically having no childcare between Thanksgiving and mid-January due to Covid, so DH and I are losing it, totally under-performing at work, and neglecting our kid who is displaying the effects of lack of attention and way too much screentime in her terrible behavior. She’s also gone from sleeping 12 hours at night and taking occasional naps to sleeping at most 10 hours a night, regularly waking up before 6 am, and refusing to nap. I have a job that is very hard to get fired from and I think I might actually get fired, because I’ve done such a minimal amount of substantive work in the last few months. Our cleaners showed up this morning, decided our driveway was too difficult to get up and instead of calling us and asking for help, just drove away and charged us a $50 cancellation fee. Our house is filthy (see: we basically haven’t left the house since before Thanksgiving) and I was really clinging to that small bright spot of a shiny clean house to enjoy all weekend.
I know others have it worse, but man the last couple of months have SUCKED. The worst of the pandemic by far, for me.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, so sorry to hear that. And I really relate to the awful feeling I have when I feel like I’m neglecting the kids who are just acting their age and being needy, but when I’m also trying to do work at the same time and want them to leave me alone. It sucks.
Anon says
Thanks for the commiseration. Yeah, I just hate feeling like I’m neglecting both my kid and my job. If I felt like I was doing one well it might not be so bad, but to plop my kid in front of the TV for hours a day and still not feel like I’m getting anything done at work is really frustrating and at this point I’m so far behind I’m not sure how I will catch up even when things get more normal with daycare.
anonn says
are you me? 3 snow days in a row here too. I really think today was just to give covid more time to cool off .
Curious says
Gosh you’re just having a heck of a week. Hope it starts looking up soon. Baby slept well last night and is eating today, and I get to see her tomorrow, so I’m much better than I was yesterday.
GCA says
Hugs! I was too late to respond yesterday, but sending you strength & hope things are going well, Curious.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thank you Curious! Best of luck in your treatment and hope you can snuggle your baby soon!
Anon says
Aww glad you get to see your little one tomorrow! Enjoy the snuggles.
GCA says
Back at work after leave. Had daycare for one day yesterday post-quarantine! Now both kids are home! At least it’s Friday and it hasn’t registered to clients that I am back.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Was thinking of you… this weather really didn’t give you a break. TGIF? Whatever that means now, ha.
Ugh says
I’m in the same area as OP. Our kid hasn’t had a full week of daycare in…6 weeks, maybe? Fortunately DH and I WFH and have light meeting schedules today.
Ashley says
Maybe too late for responses but… do you tip your house cleaner? If so, how much / how often? Context: large, relatively HCOL southeast US city. I hired an agency that sends the same 2 people to clean every 2 weeks. These people are not self employed, probably making minimum wage, so a tip seems like the right thing. Do I tip them every time? Once a month? Only at holidays? And how much in each scenario (percentage wise)? There’s a lot of info on Google but very little real world/regional advice.
Anon says
I tip the equivalent of one service visit at the end of the year, in cash, to the actual people who clean (which is the same two weekly for us).
EDAnon says
When we used a service, I tipped $10 per person per visit. I figured that bumped their wages up to something more reasonable. Now we use a self-employed cleaner and we tip the cost of service at the end of the year.
Momofthree says
We tip 2x a weeks pay for weekly cleaning at the end of the year. (Our cleaner has been with us for 10+ years though). She is not with an agency & we also recently increased her weekly rate by 10% (it had been at the same rate for many years)
Anon says
Our cleaners rotate the women who come, so we always tip 20% or weekly cleaning in cash.
Dependent care FSA says
Anyone else’s company claw back or cap the dependent care FSA if you are above a certain income threshold?
I found out from my manager that, although she put in 5K each year the last two years, they clawed back 2K at the end of each year. This year she just put in 3K as a result.
I contributed to mine for the first time this year (5K) and assumed that was that. Now I’m wondering what I missed!
anon says
It’s a highly compensated employee thing. If not enough people that are not highly compensated contribute, they have to claw back a portion. It’s to prevent employers from making perks only available to non-highly compensated employees. My husband makes the contribution for this reason (he works for a very large company so there are more people who use the benefit).
Dependent care FSA says
I mean, obviously we don’t want companies only making perks available to highly compensated individuals. But also, this kind of sucks.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I find the idea of a clawback entirely different from an up-front limit.
Anon says
Isn’t it to prevent them from making perks only available to highly compensated employees?