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See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
my 3.75 year old screams all. the. time. It is miserable. Last night major screaming tantrum before bed and this morning woke up to more screaming. I follow Dr Becky and Big Little Feelings and they do work, but I also have another kid to attend to and am often solo parenting in the evenings and mornings
Anon says
Solidarity. My daughter is 4 this month and it’s a rare day we don’t have an epic tantrum about something. So many people told me kids turn a corner at 3.5 and stop melting down so much but that has not been our experience at all.
EDAnon says
Our turning point was much closer to 5.
Anon says
That makes me feel better.
Pogo says
Omg, with you. Both of my scream as their default response to anything. I find responding with the calmest voice possible helps, and distraction. Mine will go from screaming to “oh, look a ladybug!” if I point out something else unrelated to his current meltdown.
Mary Moo Cow says
This probably won’t make you feel better, but my 4.5 year old screams often. This morning it was over not getting 2 waffles, having Daddy dress her, and wearing a jumper instead of a skirt. Last night it was at her sister for simply talking. On my commute this morning I was thinking Dr. Becky is well and good but my attempts to say, “I hear you having a hard time, and I’m sorry this morning is rough” don’t create the magical turnaround that people report in the comments to her posts. So frustrating.
The only thing that keeps every screaming fit from being absolutely miserable is that DD often drops her voice a few octaves, so it is quite low, and calls us hornets when she yells: like, “I don’t want you talking, you hornet!”
OP says
uch, another year of this! she was fairly delightful until August when all h*ll broke lose. for her, it does work if i sit near her and say things until she can calm down, but it can take a while, and all of those instagram people never say what you are supposed to do when this happens frequently and you have one parent and two children. it’s not fair to my other child, who in my case happens to be her twin.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I feel like all the helpful advice from Janet Lansbury and others is to focus solely on the child having a meltdown but in our case, 90% of the time our kid is melting down is when the other one is around and I have to split my attention.
Anon says
Janet Lansbury’d advice has never worked for my only child who gets furious when we try to touch her when she’s mad or name her feelings. I think it’s just bad advice for a lot of kids.
Aunt Jamesina says
I like a lot of Janet Lansbury’s ideas in theory, but they seem like they’re for implementing when you have perfect conditions (not rushing out the door or dealing with another kid, etc).
The profile on her in the NYT the other week was interesting and I WANT TO KNOW MORE.
anon says
JL makes me feel very inadequate as a parent. I have always tried very hard to be calm and mindful of my kids’ feelings, but from what I can tell, that’s done jacksh!t for preventing meltdowns or making them end sooner. And also, sometimes life is happening and I can’t pause everything to play amateur psychologist. Dr. Becky is better, but even her advice can be a little too touchy-feely at times.
Anon says
yes, her advice actually does work for us. though not instantly, but i also think the goal of the advice is not necessarily for your kid to suddenly stop screaming, but for you as a parent to be ok with the screaming. and i can be ok with it, when i am not with both kids by myself. where is the guidebook for that?
anon says
I really do not like Janet Lansbury. I think she is highly overrated. I like the book Jo Frost’s Toddler Rules. She uses a lot of common sense and isn’t afraid to be authoritative while also being empathetic to children. She also explains how to analyze all the possible causes of a tantrum and be more objective about the cause.
Aunt Jamesina says
When I was pregnant, I remember reading on her website how you should focus fully on your baby and the moment while breastfeeding and was skeptical of how feasible that actually was. Fast forward to a newborn who wanted to cluster feed for 3+ hours straight in the evening from weeks 2-4 and LOL, sorry JL, but I’ll be watching Arrested Development and trying to eat dinner with one hand instead.
Anon says
Omg she says that?! I love my kid and loved breastfeeding but I also loved reading a bunch of books and watching a bunch of TV while nursing a newborn. It was the perfect way to make maternity leave both productive and fun. GTFO Janet.
Anon Lawyer says
I think the JL baby advice is truly insane. Like the toddler advice can work for people even if it’s not the be all and end all but the baby advice is just made up BS. No activity gyms, no baby wearing, it’s bad to let your older baby walk holding your hands. Whatever, lady.
Anon says
That’s such silly advice. One of my fondest mat leave memories is reading A Gentleman in Moscow non-stop during the first two weeks while nursing non-stop. Great book + adorable baby who has the same name as one of the main characters = I couldn’t put either of them down and they are forever linked in my mind. I can’t wait to share the book with my daughter some day and tell her how I read it for the first time in the very earliest days of nursing her.
On the less sweet side of things, when she was older she grabbed my phone cord which caused me to drop my iPhone on her head while she was nursing. I’m sure Janet would call CPS if she heard about that.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ha to all of the above! Newborns are pretty boring – guarantee they don’t care that you’re doing other things when feeding them.
I like JL’s general philosophy that kids’ emotions, particularly negative ones, are fine and normal and not something we need to stop or prevent. But I hear from her that acknowledging feelings will help prevent hitting/meltdowns in the future, but that’s just not the case with my kid. When he’s in full on emotional mode, talking about his feelings doesn’t help and he often just needs to be alone in his room.
Anonymous says
The New Yorker profile cemented my disdain for Lansbury. She is a smug, self-centered charlatan who doesn’t know anything about actual children. Respecting children (and adults!) as individual humans is not some earth-shattering new idea, and her methods don’t actually achieve that goal for many kids and parents.
It would be really fun to write a book of parenting advice from the perspectives of different philosophers. I would agree with Kant, but wouldn’t the Foucault chapter be such fun? Discipline and punish…
Anonymous says
Yeah, I don’t understand why she argues that her method is different from attachment parenting. Both ways, the parent is a slave to the child.
anon says
I also think her advice isn’t great for a whole family system. If you have more than one child, it becomes very difficult to implement. And it’s child-centered in a way that neglects everyone else’s needs/emotions/preferences. (I don’t think I’m articulating this well.)
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, I’m super duper skeptical of any “specialist” who has strict ideas of how to do it right and who acts like if you deviate at all, you’ll raise an axe murderer. I can get down with not putting a baby in a container too often, but sometimes I have to pee! And I really want to know what her relationship with her grown children is like. I like the spirit of some of her ideas, but she’s frankly (like a lot of
child-rearing schools) a bit culty to me. But what do I know, I’m typing this on my phone with baby in a bouncy seat!
Boston Legal Eagle says
^Aunt Jamesina she actually had her two daughters on her podcast where they were basically praising her methods and saying they turned out great because of it, particularly the lack of TV on at home (ok…) Maybe I was feeling cynical but it came across as JL basically defending herself: Look, here is proof that this works, look at these two perfect adults (who knows what their relationship is actually like and whether they would have been who they are even if they were put in containers in front of the TV all day).
Aunt Jamesina says
Ohh, interesting! Of course they’re smug no TV people.
Allie says
Solidarity. My sweetie 2.5 year old has turned into a epic meltdown 3 year old. It’s jarring and disruptive. No solutions yet.
2 Cents says
My LO did this right after he turned 3. I didn’t think we were going to make it to 3.5. He still has tantrums, but they’ve eased a bit. Now he gets mad and knows he wants to calm down by himself under a blanket, which I guess is better. Solidarity, hugs and (if you drink) wine!
TheElms says
So my 2.5 year old has been doing this since shortly after 2. She does it over the biggest and the littlest things and at all times of the day. She also screams just for fun. Nothing we’ve tried, (Dr Becky, Big Little Feelings, How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen) has worked at all. I’m just curious when your kids started doing this and if I should mentally prepare myself for it to last until 3.5-4.5.
Anon says
I would say things got steadily worse for us on the tantrum front around 2.5. Before that they were occasional, not super intense and didn’t really disrupt our lives. There was more hitting between 2.5 and 3 than there was from 3+ but tantrums at 3-4 are much more intense and dramatic, think throwing herself on the ground and refusing to move for half an hour (fine at home, but super inconvenient if we’re in public) or telling us we’re terrible parents and she’s going to move out of our house and live on her own. My kid has never been easy to distract but it has definitely gotten harder as she gets older. I would say at 2.5 we could distract her maybe 20-30% of the time and now at almost 4 we can basically never distract her. We started OT recently for another issue and the therapist identified some muscle weaknesses and said her frustration at her body not doing what she wants it to could be creating intense emotional outbursts so it will be interesting to see if OT helps at all.
Anonymous says
LADIES!!! This was my middle child from birth until age 5. In the delivery room, one of the nurses told me “wow, I haven’t heard a baby scream like that in YEARS.” IT GETS BETTER.
It’s a slog. We had tantrums of absolutely epic proportions (think: screaming so loud she woke up multiple homes of people at 11pm while on vacation in a seaside community. These were not tiny cottages, just homes where people sleep with windows open). Her last one was the weekend she started kindergarten. It required us to cancel our entire day’s plans and spend it keeping her from hurting herself or others (she was rage-throwing stuff, slamming doors, etc).
BUT LADIES. She’s about to turn 6 and has mellowed significantly. Routine, structure, COVID improving, growth spurts, better eating- it’s all helping.
She’s still the most emotive person in our family and I am already feeling sorry for anyone she dates but she’s come so far!
Anon says
This is good to hear, thank you. My ped said insanely strong-willed toddlers and preschoolers are actually easy teens because they aren’t susceptible to peer pressure. I’m kind of skeptical the teen years will be “easy” given how much dramatic sighing and door slamming there already is with my threenager but we’ll see I guess.
EDAnon says
My strong willed 5yo is not susceptible to peer pressure now, so I hope it holds.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I can already see that my 5.5 year old has more confidence/less embarrassment than I ever did as a kid so I hope that is true in the teen years!
avocado says
I think your pediatrician is just trying to make you feel better.
Signed, mom of not-easy teen who was a strong-willed toddler
Anon says
Ha, probably. I think it also depends on how you define easy. I have a similar personality and I was not susceptible to peer-pressure and did well in school, did not experiment with aclohol or dr*gs or engage in risky behaviors. But I still made my parents’ life h3ll for a good chunk of time. I feel like my ped was more saying that my kid won’t be peer pressured into dr*gs and other ‘bad things,’ not that our home life will be pleasant ;)
Fwiw, while I was genuinely horrible to my parents at times, they have admitted to me as an adult that they did not have enough appreciation for all the ways in which I was easier than many teens, and they took for granted the fact that they never had to worry about me ending up on dr*gs or pregnant or failing classes. So I’m trying to do a better job keeping that in mind as my own kid grows up and will be reminding myself on a regular basis that a teen screaming and slamming doors and saying horrible things to her parents is very far from a worst case scenario.
Aunt Jamesina says
This was me as a child, and while I wasn’t susceptible to peer pressure, I was queen of the eye rolling and back talking as a teen, so… :-) But the upside is that I’ve always been fiercely independent and self-sufficient!
Anon says
Yep, this is exactly how I was and how I expect my currently extremely strong-willed preschooler to be. But there are worse things than talking back and eye-rolling, and fiercely independent and self-sufficient are great qualities to have.
Anon says
There’s a lot of talk about equal parenting on this site which I think works if you work roughly equal number of hours? Can those that work part time or stay home with a spouse with a big busy job tell me the things your spouse does that make you feel supported?
Anon says
so i’m the one that posted above about my screaming child. i work part time and DH has a busy big job and we have no local family. we each have things that we handle for the house – DH always takes out the trash, deals with water, electricity and cable, he is in charge of all of the laundry that doesn’t go in the dryer. On Sunday I sleep in and he gets up with the kids and makes them breakfast. On Saturday, i get up with them initially but he also makes them breakfast. when he isn’t in the middle of a crazy busy deal like he is right now, he usually gets up with the kids weekday mornings, even if he went to bed after i did, he tries to come home a few nights a week for bedtime, and ~2 nights a week usually friday and saturday bc my kids eat dinner at 5 and he can’t be home that early) i disappear for dinner/bedtime. we have a wonderful nanny and DH thinks we should up her hours. that being said – while he does many things to make me feel supported, on days like today when i dealt with a screaming child yesterday evening (bc he was flying home) and i woke up with a screaming child again today (bc DH left for work at 6am), i was kind of jealous that he only got 5 hours of sleep bc he at least he didnt have to listen to all the screaming.
OP says
Also does your husband not mind getting up with them if he went to bed after you did and he’s working? I’m genuinely curious, not at all asking in a judgy way.
OP says
This is super helpful, thank you so much. Do the kids prefer you? My kids vastly prefer me and I know it’s my issue that I care when they cry for me so I just only give myself a break when they’re happy to do things with dad which is rare. They love to play with him, but bedtime, breakfast,if they get hurt or having an emotional meltdown, they’re always looking to king for me. They are 4 and 2 and I keep thinking maybe this will get better when they are older but maybe it won’t.
Cb says
My son had a strong mommy preference and what’s changed it was me being away part of the week. Now he’ll go for comfort from whoever is in closer physical proximity. I wonder if absenting yourself from the situation (going for a walk at bedtime) might help? Because if they know they can cause chaos/get mommy back, they will? And your husband may know this as well, and by stepping in, he won’t develop the coping skills.
Anon says
– yes, my kids prefer me. when we are both around, i end up serving as ‘primary parent’ though DH can also recognize when they are driving me nuts and tries to get them away from me, though sometimes he is busy scrolling instagram and i have to remind him. or this is why sometimes i have to disappear. we recently moved from an apartment to a house and sometimes i’m like why did we buy the house bc they follow me around from room to room.
– that’s a totally fair question. i need more sleep than DH which he recognizes. if he is having a particularly bad week work wise and went to bed insanely late, i will still get up with them. sometimes he will work late, like til 10pm and then stay up longer to watch tv, scroll his phone, etc. i dont like the idea of him not seeing them M-F and our kids are at a really challenging stage right now and mentally it’s a lot. i still feel resentful sometimes and like i do ‘everything’ but i also recognize that his job allows us to live the life we live. sometimes i wonder if i’d be happier working full-time (working part-time was my choice), but i am in a field that pays so much less than his, that even if i worked full-time he’d be making 6x+ more than me
Anonymous says
I mean if one of you is a stay at home parent, the goal should not be equal parenting! That’s not the system you have in place. The stay at home parent should be the default parent and should be doing much more of the parenting.
Cb says
But maybe the goal should be equal leisure time?
Anonymous says
Sure! But that’s very different than equal parenting.
Anon says
Yeah, but that should only be true during “work” time (whatever that may be). As someone who has worked FT, PT and been SAHP, what you’re saying often shifts everything to the SAHP or PT parent, even during “leisure time,” which causes all sorts of problems.
Anon says
The goal is equal effort and equal leisure time. My husband’s job is more flexible than mine; we work it out so that we have the same amount of time to veg, exercise, do hobbies, etc.
Anonymous says
Oof. My county just announced that our mask mandate will end at the end of the month. No clue yet what that means for my city’s school district, but other districts in the county have said that they’ll be getting rid of their mask mandates at that time. Cases are still pretty high, especially in elementary schools and childcare settings. I think the overall % positive is still >10%, but at least it’s been dropping. I just looked at case #s by age group, and they’re high in kids <4 and adults 30-39, which is exactly what I'm seeing in my friends and acquaintances – kids too young to be vaxxed bringing it home from daycare/preschool and then giving it to their parents. No word from our daycare about what they'll be doing as of 3/1 or whether the 10 day quarantine requirement will still be in place for kids <2. As the parent of a kid <2, I feel pretty doomed, especially since most of my coworkers are in the same boat and not available to cover when someone is dealing with a quarantining toddler.
Anonymous says
Nesting fail, obviously.
AwayEmily says
We work roughly equal numbers of hours overall but not at the same time — i.e. our busy periods are different. This would cause a fair bit of resentment at the beginning, especially after our first kid was born. What’s worked well for us is being VERY explicit about how each of us would like things to be divided and checking in often as the situation changes, because nobody is a mind-reader. If I’m in a busy period I will tell him exactly what I need, both in terms of extra hours and extra tasks that he can take on. Same with him. When we tried to just intuit it, it all went sideways.
Pogo says
This. No one is mind reader, and DH and I need very different things to support each other.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
DH is counsel/likely soon-to-be-partner in BigLaw. I have a “big” job but am not client facing. He works ~60+ hours a week, I work 50. He makes about, 3-4x much as me. He has work travel, I do not.
Brass tacks is I don’t look for equal, I look for equitable. I like being the primary parent and all that comes with it. I also manage our finances, grocery/cooking, scheduling (e.g. our cleaners). DH takes a lead on anything outdoor-house related (e.g. making sure yard stuff gets done, plants, etc), dog stuff (we have a very energetic, 100 lb, 2 year old pup and tbqh dealing with a 4 and 1 year old is easier for me), laundry (I detest it), etc. I’m the one of the two who has more flexibility so I usually leverage that as needed. We have local family that is involved.
I don’t care about sleeping in (caveat that our kids are good to sleep in until 7 or later on weekends, we all love sleep in our family for now), but I do need my own alone time/nap time to relax midday on weekends while kids nap. So he’ll sleep in while I get the kids ready. DH sometimes needs to go to one of our local breweries and sit outside with a book to decompress on a weekend afternoon or after work. I’m good with this.
I also am in a very busy season of work and really trying to re-dedicate myself to a solid fitness routine after 2 years, and I’ve talked to DH about paring down a few things. For example I was spending a LOT of time cooking what I realized were more involved recipes than what we needed to get through the week, so now I’ve templated and simplified after talking it through with him. Agree with AwayEmily, it’s taken me a while to get here, but the clear communication with DH has been critical to abate resentment.
Anonymous says
I stayed home with my daughter for about 2 years from when she was 9 months to just before she turned 3. This was not the plan, as I quit my job to take “a few months” off and then when I was ready to start looking again the pandemic hit. I am back to work now. So I have the perspective of both 2 working parents of roughly equal hours and also being a SAHM for a couple years. When I was staying home, I took on full responsibility of kid and house stuff during the work day, but when work was over my husband and I were equally split. He has a government computer engineering job, so pretty much works 40 hours a week. I definitely relied on him to take over kid duties after work so I could have a break from the kid and get other stuff done like laundry and making dinner. I have fond memories of handing over the toddler to go outside and play with daddy while I made dinner and had a glass of wine! Honestly, I think being a SAHM or the round-the-clock default parent with a partner who works a lot more than 40 hours a week would be too much for me; I simply would be headed toward a breakdown.
Now that we both work our lovely government 40-hour jobs, we split kid and house tasks fairly evenly. My husband takes on a bit more than half right now because I am 7 months pregnant and he is caring :)
Anonymous says
DH works full time and I work part time. We are equal parents. I do more of the House and Kid stuff, and we have equal leisure time [bahahhaaha which is to say, not much). I do grocery shopping, laundry, much of the meal planning, more of the meal prep, house management stuff, and the weekday activity kid hauling. All of that fits into the hours where he works and I do not.
We split up thing like bedtime, making lunch, clutter pickup, weekend kid activities etc. We also have cleaners come in (this is actually the #1 reason I work at all. I hate cleaning!).
Anon says
Just a reminder that SAHMs can also have house cleaners. My mom did for decades without any guilt whatsoever.
Anonymous says
I’m the 2-year SAHM from above. One of the major reasons I wanted to go back to work was because to truly be the SAHM that I could see myself actually getting fulfillment from is EXPENSIVE. I would want cleaners, paid activities for the kids’ enrichment (plus later paid part-time preschool), top notch play room stuff for home, a more spacious house, a bigger/nicer car to haul around in day after day, etc. We definitely could not afford all that on my husband’s salary alone! Being a SAHM on a budget is much harder!
Anon4this says
DH is a partner, I’m counsel, both biglaw. One kid, one on the way. Until we had kids DH and I worked about the same or I worked slightly more hours (in the 60-70 hours range). Now he works 60-70+ hours a week (and out earns me by about double) and I do everything in my power to keep my hours to 50 hours or less. Fortunately DH rarely has to travel and with Covid I haven’t had to travel (normally I would) and we’ve both been WFH which has helped tremendously in some ways. (Not good for my mental health to basically never leave the house but not spending an hour commuting roundtrip or sometimes longer if there was an accident has been super helpful). We also have a more than fulltime nanny, cleaning service, dog walker, use meal prep services, and get delivery for basically everything. I expect I will drop to part time once kid 2 arrives because this is only just working and I can’t see it working otherwise or maybe we’ll add an au pair to the nanny or something else if I decide I don’t want to be part time?
Things that DH does that really help me are that he is generally present for 30 minutes before dinner, and then through dinner, and bedtime (basically he tries really hard to block off 6-8pm every night as family time and he’s successful 3-4 of 5 week days). He does bedtime/baths, which I detest. And in general he’s pretty good about seeing something that needs to be done and just doing it, as well as not taking it personally when I remind him to do things that are his responsibility. (After kid 1 we divided up chores and he’s responsible for washing the laundry (everyone helps fold/put away), most dog care, and all trash and recycling, and yard work.) Also, on the weekends he makes sure to set aside a block of time each day to play with kiddo. He’s much better at playing than I am. And as a result he fits his work in during naps or at night, so on balance I think I have slightly more leisure time than him. I generally use the time to get errands done or deal with family related stuff.
Overall the reason I think it works for us is that we have lowered our standards ( on everything from how clean/tidy the house looks, to what we eat for dinner, to how much leisure time we have). And we both try to pitch in when the other is clearly drowning. So if someone is unusually busy the other person will pick up the slack on laundry or whatever other task seems most urgent and just assume that we’ll get back to our more typical balance in the long run. The fact that we are both introverts and don’t crave a lot of social time with friends also likely makes this work for us as well. I’m perfectly happy to spend time with DH/kiddo and if I only see friends once a month or less that’s generally fine.
Anon says
I am a SAHM now and sleep is very important to me (anxiety/high sleep needs individual, vs my husband who functions great on 7-8 hours). I also have a terribly sleeping baby. My husband lets me sleep in both weekend mornings and gets up with the kids every single day (even getting the older ones off to school!) so I can get as much sleep as possible. I am so, so grateful, even if it feels “lazy” on my part.
Along those lines, it’s helpful to identify what times of day are your parenting strengths and weaknesses and take over for your partner when they are not at their best. My husband is clearly more of a morning person and I am a night person. So, he does mornings and I do the whole bedtime song-and-dance, even after being with the kids all day, because my husband’s patience is gone by then.
FVNC says
This is a good question and made me think about our split. My husband’s job duties change every year or two, but for now we have a division that I think works well. My husband works many more hours than me, and goes into an office every day. I work from home so have a lot of flexibility during the day.
Our current split is basically during the week, I do most of the hands-on kid stuff. Mornings — I typically get breakfast for kids while H gets ready for work, then H drives kids to school. I am responsible for school pickup, any after school activities, any mid-week grocery runs/other errands, and kid dinner. H usually gets home right before bedtime and will read to/with one kid while I handle the other. During the weekend, H is very hands-on and leads kid activities and grocery shops. I am responsible for meal planning, laundry, cleaning. H is responsible for finances, taxes, trip/travel planning — more of the big picture stuff. This is a somewhat gendered breakdown but aligns with our strengths and preferences (I am that rare person that loves cleaning and laundry). He’ll start a new role this summer so all this may go out the window!
anon says
Having some alone time to shower, put on make-up, and get dressed in the morning is important to me. I also need a nap on the weekends, even if it is just 30 minutes. I find my spouse is very willing to help, but I need to understand myself and articulate what I need out loud before I reach the exasperation point, which can be difficult with two little kids who need constant attention.
I do not try to be “equal” parents because we are both different people with different schedules and strengths and weaknesses. I try to have my core needs met, so I feel like a respectable human being.
Anon says
I agree with this. Everyone’s situation is different and so what I need is going to be different than yours. (BG: I am a part time litigator, DH is a very busy doctor who outearns me significantly, and we have a toddler). The extra 5-10 minutes I get in the morning to stretch out in bed while he wrangles the kiddo may sound inconsequential to some, but I assure you it is not! He also makes me an espresso beverage of choice every morning. Other things he does that makes me happy: filling up all the cars with gas, taking out the trash recycling daily, scrubbing toilets. I do the majority of the parenting and housework and meal planning, but this balance is working for us currently.
Two things that help: We have lowered our expectations in terms of meals (pre kid I cooked very elaborate meals) and general tidiness. We also live in a 1000 sq ft apartment, so there is no big house or yard or maintenance outsourcing we worry about.
Anonymous says
I currently stay at home, DH has a big job and is in the reserves as well. I feel like I should have greater insight into this but I don’t. I feel supported. I guess a big thing he does is handle any home renovations. I may need to be home for them but he’ll handle all communication with contractors. DH is all-in on parenting/household tasks from the time he gets home to bedtime. We also make sure we both get alone-time on the weekends. He definitely takes over with the kids if I’m feeling overwhelmed (only happens about once/month). He also does a lot of little things like making me tea every night. We have always been on the same page with finances so that helps. Next year we will have some big life changes so we will be getting a cleaning service and lawn service, which we’ve never had before.
Anon says
DH has a “big” job that demanded lots of travel pre-Covid. He works ~10-12 hour days, even now that he travels much less. We have two young children and no local family help. He makes significantly more than I do. I’d have the “big job” if I was married to anyone but him, but I scaled down to an 80% role a few years ago to help preserve some semblance of my sanity. We have a unicorn nanny who’s been with us for 3+ years and essentially acts as a co-parent for many things with me, which helps a lot.
After our second was born, I struggled greatly with things not being “equal” and have been working on letting go of “equity” between us (which is realistically never going to happen with the difference in our working/at home hours) and focusing more on what he can do that makes me feel cared about and loved. For me, that’s acts of service from him and being intentional and explicit in carving out leisure time and finding time away from the kids. I’ve had to get better at asking for what I need from him, versus expecting him to intuit it, and learn how to value and prioritize my down time in a way that makes it as non-negotiable as anything else on our calendar.
Some real-life examples: I’ll text him and ask him to be home to cover bedtime if his schedule allows so I can rest if I had a rough night getting up with the kids (I handle all night wakings – old “resentful” me would have never asked for any help here). I take 2-3 hours to myself every Sunday morning to go for a walk, either solo or with a friend, and take a long “spa shower” afterwards. I coordinate with his work calendar for him to be home by 6:30 PM 1-2 nights a month so I can go out to dinner or drinks with a friend and he can put the kids to bed.
It is really hard, though. I still find myself resentful of him or feeling unloved at times, despite my best efforts. This continues to be a work in progress for our marriage.
Anonymous says
Yes. I work part time and we ensure equal leisure hours. So it doesn’t matter if you are at your desk or taking out the trash or cooking dinner. Work is work. So each week we roughly get the same amount of hours to relax and do whatever we want. It feels the most equitable to us. In an ideal world, DH would work less at his office and more with childcare, and I would have more time for my work, but this is the best we could do given the constraints society puts on us. We both have stress from feeling “forced” into more of one type of work than we want (me, childcare; him, time at the office).
Anon says
I am the spouse with the big busy job (Biglaw counsel on partner track) and DH is a SAHD. The things I do that DH finds supportive include doing bathtime and bedtime when possible (which I can make work most nights most of the time), getting kiddo ready for school in the morning while he gets ready at the same time (which I can make work most mornings most of the time; I just get ready after they leave and settle in at my home office or drive into the office, only issue is if I have an early call or meeting) and being the keeper of the schedules (I schedule doctor’s appointments, speech therapy, housekeeping, grocery delivery, etc. which all goes on both of our calendars). I tend to do all of the cooking, but what that means is I cook once during the week and usually on weekends and we eat out or eat pre-made freezer meals (crab cakes, pot pies, etc.) the rest of the dinners (it’s not that I’m cooking more than 50% of dinners, it’s that he just doesn’t cook dinner other than to put something in the oven and we make other arrangements). On weekends if I am not working (hit or miss these days) I try to take kiddo out of the house and or let him sleep in both mornings. He is MUCH higher sleep needs than me (I function well on around 7-8, he needs closer to 9-10 to feel rested). I also make sure I am working from home on days that he has appointments (we both have some ongoing health issues currently) as our kid is getting to the age where she needs minimal supervision as long as she has access to a tablet so it’s easy for me to both work that day and make sure she doesn’t burn the house down or require an ER visit without him needing to wrangle a sitter or (in the age of Covid) take her with.
Ashley says
Sincerely not to start a flame war but… it sounds like you’re doing it all? Bath/bedtime, getting kid ready in the mornings, handling kiddo for both weekend mornings, all cooking/food handling. I hope you are getting some time to yourself too.
Anon says
I was focused on what I do to support him since that was the point of the question. I get time to myself on afternoons on the weekends if I want it (sometimes I do and sometimes I would rather spend time as a family depending on how much I saw DH and kiddo that week) and frankly I consider work time as time to myself. We outsource housekeeping (weekly) and each do our own laundry (although the housekeepers fold mine and kiddo’s). I don’t have high leisure needs and am really introverted, so I see friends a couple times a month on weekends but otherwise work is enough socialization for me, and after 10+ years at my job, many of my colleagues are friends. DH is watching kiddo for the 12+ hours a day I work (minus some very part-time preschool), so 30 minutes in the morning to get her ready and 30 minutes at night to do bath and bed feels very small in the grand scheme of things, will progressively get easier as she gets older and more self sufficient, and my schedule is flexible enough to permit it most of the time. Sometimes that’s the only time I see her during the week (less so now that I WFH, but those interactions are more “drive by” in nature). I’m really only cooking once or twice during the week and it’s quick meals (last night was asian style meatballs with rice and roasted carrots that was 40 minutes start to finish and I worked for half of that while it was in the oven). I expect once kindergarten starts in the fall, DH will probably take over the evening routine because the day will shift earlier (we do dinner around 8 and bedtime around 10 and kiddo gets up at 8AM now, but K starts much earlier and my workday doesn’t really easy up enough for that until 7ish). Right now, TBH, our kid is a lot (spirited is an understatement) and by the end of the day DH is fried while she still has plenty of energy. I actually enjoy doing bathtime and bedtime (I’ll admit the morning battles are not my favorite because my kiddo moves SO SLOWLY in the morning) and I also enjoy cooking, so it works for us.
Anonymous says
We are in the reverse situation (I have the “big” job, spouse teaches not quite full time) but things my spouse tells me help him feel supported: I get up first in the morning and get the kids going; I do the dishes every night even if it’s at 10:30 pm; I typically am on kid duty most of Sunday so he can exercise, play team sports, or work. Or all of those. We split most remaining chores but he does more kid duty overall including all kid pick ups and chauffeuring.
SC says
I’m on the opposite side of the coin–I work full-time, though not at a “big” job, and DH is a SAHD and also manages our rental property (which requires degrees of effort ranging from none to seemingly full-time). We also have a special needs child, which probably adds to the overall parenting effort–more driving to doctors’ and therapy appointments, likely more attention, definitely more patience. We have local family, but they visit more than help. I think they’re overwhelmed by Kiddo’s needs.
DH gets Kiddo ready in the morning, and I drive Kiddo to school, which is about 45 minutes round-trip. DH handles pick-up from school and any after-school appointments. When I get home from work, I usually take 20-30 minutes to decompress, then either spend time with Kiddo or help with chores until dinner time. After dinner, I load the dishwasher while DH gets Kiddo ready for bed. I read to Kiddo for about 30 minutes every night. After that (around 8:30 or 9 pm), DH and I are both “off” and read, watch TV, or play video games.
On the weekends, I think we have about equal parenting efforts and leisure time. We switch off a lot–DH will sleep in, then let me read for an hour or two. I’ll go to the grocery store by myself and stop at a bookstore or for a coffee. If he goes out with friends one night, I’ll meet another friend for brunch. We’ve really cut down on full family weekend activities like hiking or going to the zoo to about once or twice a month.
anon101 says
I have the big career with a SAH spouse. He does all laundry, grocery shopping, most of the cooking + baking (I do some when I want to because I like it or to provide some offset, during covid we have been exclusively eating at home with only occasional takeout ordered), we meal plan together, and he watches our 2 under 5 kids during the workday while I WFH for now (will be going back to hybrid office midyear), BUT we also have his mother helping with all of the above. And I still have a ton of disruptions during the day. And I watch the kids before and after work and most of the weekend. It’s a lot and we still feel overwhelmed. I don’t know how any multi-child family does anything and lives to tell the tale!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Checking in to see how everyone is doing Covid wise. Knocking on all the wood but we haven’t had a Covid daycare case for about 2 weeks now, and hoping that the lower case counts means we won’t have any for a while. Our town is going to remove the mask mandate at the end of the month, I think, although TBD whether the elementary school will follow. That makes me a little nervous, especially since our kindergartener hasn’t gone to school sans mask yet. I imagine a lot of parents will keep their kids in masks for a while longer, maybe until spring, around here.
Mary Moo Cow says
Our elementary school has been mask-optional for three weeks and by last Friday’s report, cases were down from January. Cases have been declining in our county for a few weeks, though, so it seems to be is just following the trend. I’m guessing from pictures that about 25% of the kids and the majority of the faculty are not wearing masks. Knocking on all the wood, too!
Boston Suburb says
I’m in your area, and 2 classes at my toddler’s daycare have had COVID exposures in the past few days (in one class, nearly half the kids are now positive, although with no or minimal symptoms). Cases do seem to be dropping but I guess we aren’t out of the woods yet!
Cb says
We’re failing the childcare wordle after a good run – bad cold and delayed PCR results, norovirus, and this afternoon, my husband had to drop everything and get kiddo because we’re getting hit with a massive storm and all council settings are closing.
Masking on transport/shops etc is still in place in my home country, but my work country just removed masking requirements, which means I’ll be stuffed into a classroom with 30 19-year olds. I’ve never been so grateful for industrial action – hopefully they’ll have had Covid by the time I get back in the classroom? 10% were out last week with Covid.
We’ve had a few “low risk” notifications in the last few weeks, basically the message they send whenever a staff member or student test positive. But we’ve never had masking in nursery/primary school settings here.
Anonymous says
I had a nesting fail above. My county just announced that our mask mandate will end at the end of the month. No clue yet what that means for my city’s school district, but other districts in the county have said that they’ll be getting rid of their mask mandates at that time. Cases are still pretty high, especially in elementary schools and childcare settings. I think the overall % positive is still >10%, but at least it’s been dropping. I just looked at case #s by age group, and they’re high in kids <4 and adults 30-39, which is exactly what I'm seeing in my friends and acquaintances – kids too young to be vaxxed bringing it home from daycare/preschool and then giving it to their parents. No word from our daycare about what they'll be doing as of 3/1 or whether the 10 day quarantine requirement will still be in place for kids <2. As the parent of a kid <2, I feel pretty doomed, especially since most of my coworkers are in the same boat and not available to cover when someone is dealing with a quarantining toddler. I do non-LSC public interest, and our clients have been in crisis since March 2020 (or since pretty much forever), and it's so draining to think about how many we just can't help because someone's kid has to quarantine.
EDAnon says
I am in the Midwest. Cases are still high but falling fast. Hospitalizations in our community are not the worst ever (bot not good). Our mask mandate expires at the end of the month, but I assume our childcare will maintain it longer.
Our childcare has been open for two weeks, which is amazing. We did have one case that didn’t end up closing the room because by the time we found out, the quarantine period was over (delay in testing, delaying in results). The good news is that it appears there was no spread from that case.
EP-er says
Our county announced that masks mandates for schools will be ending 2/28. Our district is following, but strongly encourages kids to keep wearing them. I am a little troubled by the timing — we have week long winter breaks starting next week, which means everyone will travel and there will be a bump in cases right when masks become optional. I wish that they had waited until after spring break…but we can still wear them if we want and we got vax’d for a reason, right? I really feel for all of you with the under 5 set as these changes are rolling through. Much love to you during this time.
Anonymous says
I am weirdly thankful that we live in MD and were the first to get hit with Omicron. That scary and life-upending wave of cases is all but over here. I am ready for easing up on some of my personal restrictions that I had in place, like no eating out. We still have school mask mandates in my county, but mandates in retail/restaurants have lifted. The vast majority of people are still masking, though.
I actually attended a wedding over the weekend with no mask. The wedding was only 75 people and everyone submitted a negative covid test within 48 hours before the wedding. Our local case rate is back down to pre-omicron levels, and 90% of people over 5 in our area are fully vaccinated. It was a strange but generally good feeling to attend a “normal” event again.
Anonymous says
Genuine question – is that 90%+ vax rate consistent across all age groups? My county is around 80% fully vaxxed, but that’s because the rates are close to 100% in people >30 and 12-17-year-olds. The rate in 5-12-year-olds is absolutely abysmal, which is why the schools have such high caseloads (which is trickling down into daycares from older siblings). I’m just frustrated that my county is like, welp, we got to 80%, so we don’t need masks anymore! Sucks to be you if you’re not vaxxed! (Which of course includes my toddler…)
Spirograph says
Not the anon at 10:49, but I feel similar. I think vax rates are pretty consistent at least in my county (Montgomery County). I just looked at the dashboard, and they’re reporting 95% of people 5 and over have received at least a first dose, 85% fully vaccinated. I’m sure there’s a relatively lower percentage vaccinated in the 5-12 group and 20-somethings than 30+, but still a solid majority. Anecdotally, I do not know anyone who hasn’t gotten their child vaccinated if they’re eligible.
Anonymous says
That’s amazing! My county was initially one of the most vaxxed counties in the country when vaccines were for 18+. Seems like enthusiasm has waned, especially for people in their 20s and kids ages 5-12 (or the parents’ enthusiasm in the latter case). I admittedly don’t know a lot of people with kids in that age range. Most of the kids on my block are 12+ and were chomping at the bit to get vaccinated, my friends’ kids are all <5, and my coworkers' kids only fall in those two age groups.
Anonymous says
I’m the Anon from above. I don’t know the breakdown. I do know that the 5-12 kids were definitely holding back our numbers for quite a while (we were hovering closer to 80% for quite some time after 5+ was eligible), but they seem to have recently gotten a very big boost. I’m guessing Omicron scared a lot of parents enough to get around to vaccinating their kids.
anon. says
After reading the comments I feel like an outlier here, but our school announced they’re getting rid of masks and I’m SO relieved. I want my K kid to be in school without a mask. I want him to see his teachers and classmates. I feel that the risk is vanishingly small to him or others in the 100% vaccinated school we’re in and frankly I’m just ready for this step.
Anonymous says
We just had parent-teacher conferences last week, and my 1st grader’s teacher mentioned that there is a level of “casual cruelty” among the first graders this year that they have just never seen before. The working hypothesis among the teachers is that these kids were missing facial cues due to masks in Kindergarten… right when kids are developmentally supposed to be learning to fit into a community and hyper-tuned to gauging others’ reactions to their behavior, etc.
It’s far from a peer-review study, but it makes a lot of sense. We’re still masking all the time, it will be interesting to see how quickly it corrects itself when the kids have full access to non-verbal cues again.
Anonymous says
I also have a first grader and YES the teacher has noted the same dynamic!!!!
Anon says
Yep, same. I just don’t understand the concern – if you’re a vaccinated adult (see: teachers) you’re highly unlikely to die of COVID. If you’re a kid, even unvaccinated, you’re highly unlikely to die of COVID. We’re potentially stunting development of social and other skills to protect from something that is less dangerous than many other things (like cars). Beyond that, studies are pretty clear that cloth masks are only mildly (and temporarily) effective at preventing transmission. Altogether, I get masks in things like hospital settings, but beyond that, I don’t understand the loyalty to masks. If you’re immunocompromised, that absolutely sucks, but it sucked before COVID and it’ll suck after.
Anonymous says
I think for most people, it’s the quarantine restrictions. There’s no other illness out there that would force my kid to stay home for 10 days (or at least out of childcare for 8) just because she was within 6 feet of someone who had it. Given that DH and I both have demanding jobs that have mostly been putting out covid-related fires for 2 years, that amounts to 10 days of home confinement because we don’t have local family who can help, our friends are all dealing with similar quarantines, and if one person is on kid duty, the other is frantically trying to put out fires. Is one of us just supposed to quit our job and stay home to avoid this?
Anonymous says
Yeah, I totally get that, I’m for treating COVID like any other bug generally, though. Meaning, symptoms? Stay home. No symptoms, no asymptomatic testing, etc.
Anonymous says
Amen to treating it like any other bug.
Anonymous says
I have first grader twins and I’m also ready to be done with masks. It is harder for them to read emotional cues from other kids without being able to see reactions/smiles/grumpy faces. The risk is very small to them.
Anonymous says
Procrastination is a life long struggle for me. I’m starting a new job soon and would love to build better habits. Any good self-help books I could read?
Anonymous says
Oops! Sorry meant to ask this on main.
Spirograph says
Same. I am totally OK with powering through something at the last minute… but I often don’t have that much control over my time anymore.
I haven’t found self-help books super useful, but I did get a lot out of project management training in various forms. One of the biggest reasons I procrastinate is that I’m not very good at breaking work into bite-sized chunks, and project management principles really help with that.
Anonymous says
Check out the book Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg. Got some really helpful suggestions from that book that have helped me to change behaviors that I have wanted to for YEARS but was never able to.
AwayEmily says
Any recommendations for VERY COMFORTABLE nursing bras? I don’t need a ton of support — this will mostly be for at-home use, and my milkmakers aren’t all that big to start with (though bigger now, of course). Mostly I’m looking for something with super soft material that isn’t overly constricting or padded. Either pull-aside or clip-down would be fine.
Ashley says
Caveat I have not used them yet (babe due in 2 weeks) but I bought a few nursing bras from Bodily and they are SO SOFT!
AwayEmily says
ooo good to know. They have been flooding my Instagram and I’ve been considering it…
Anon says
Natori Bliss Perfection wireless maternity bra. I also really like True and Co but they don’t have any nursing styles. If you get the kind with thin, adjustable straps you may be able to just pull them down as needed. They’re so comfy, I wish I was smaller so I could use them that way.
Anonymous says
I like the “sleeping” nursing bras for daily use when I want a comfortable nursing bra. They aren’t just for sleeping if you don’t need a lot of support/padding!
Mary Moo Cow says
Bravado Seamless silk. They were so soft and easy to use. Caveat that I haven’t bought them in 3 years, so I don’t know if the material has changed.
Anon says
Kindred bravely Organic Cotton Nursing & Sleep Bra. Worth every penny.
Anon says
Kindred Bravely Sublime Nursing Sports Bra. It’s the only bra I wore for the first (4? 6? months post-partum). Also wore it for the last 2 months of my pregnancy when my regular sports bras started to feel too tight but I didn’t want to buy new special-purpose ones just for 2 months.
34A pre-kid, 36C pregnant and nursing, now 36A post-weaning (nursed 14 months), in case this is relevant. I have no idea if this bra would be good for larger chested ladies.
Anon says
If you go Kindred Bravely, size way way up! They were uncomfortably small for me. I’m a 34B in normal times and really should have gone with larges
Anonymous says
I liked the Lively bras – comfortable but still nice seeming, and easy to wash: https://www.wearlively.com/collections/maternity/products/the-maternity-bralette-bundle-jet-black-toasted-almond
OP says
This is super helpful, thank you so much. Do the kids prefer you? My kids vastly prefer me and I know it’s my issue that I care when they cry for me so I just only give myself a break when they’re happy to do things with dad which is rare. They love to play with him, but bedtime, breakfast,if they get hurt or having an emotional meltdown, they’re always looking to king for me. They are 4 and 2 and I keep thinking maybe this will get better when they are older but maybe it won’t.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Nursing bras never really worked for me, because I did not find them comfy. I just went with pull on/pull off bralettes and then pulled aside to nurse. I’m no longer nursing and currently wearing one that I bought from Tarjay :)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Ugh, to piggyback off the poster who mentioned their 3.5 year old screams…my usually sweet 4 year old has been a nightmare, including some bad behavior at school. He was home most of last week/the weekend due COVID+ (which he passed on to me), and today was a lot better. Not sure if it’s just him dealing with the last of the symptoms (e.g. achiness, fatigue) that he can’t verbalize or what. Anyone had this experience with kids post-COVID?
Cb says
No Covid experience (yet) but we’ve seen this after illness, mostly because our routines have gone out the window – eating on the couch, screentime before 3pm, etc. A routine reset and lots of early bedtimes helps.
AwayEmily says
+1 to this…my 4yo was recently home for 5 days with a stomach bug and was just a DISASTER afterwards, even when completely recovered. I think the extra TV and snacks and lack of routine just really threw him. I’m sure this response varies by kid — my older one is not so affected by changes in routine. But yes, being VERY diligent about routines/boundaries and getting lots of sleep might help snap him out of it.
Cb says
Yeah, my son rarely tantrums but on Monday night, after our norovirus ordeal, he screamed at my husband and burst into tears. Last night, at 645, he said “I’m very tired and ready for bed…”
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thank you for this! Yes, doubling down on routines helped, and also setting some strict boundaries on toys, playtime, etc. Today was a success because his only whine was that he wanted the cereal from the big (unopened) bag and not the small (opened) bag…
Anon says
We haven’t had Covid yet but my kid’s behavior is terrible after every school closure. January was so awful because we had like seven days of school all month and I could really see the impact of the disruption on her. I think it’s probably the disruption to the routine more than the illness.
Weaning says
Another weaning question. My baby will be 1 in three weeks. I’m still nursing 3x a day and we do frozen milk 2x. I have enough frozen to get through this week. Would you give formula for 2 weeks until first birthday or go straight to cow’s milk? Anything else I should be thinking about or tips to make this go smoothly? Any resources would be helpful… seems like there was SO MUCH INFORMATION for the first year and now I’m kind of lost.
Anon says
I would supplement with solid foods or, with only two weeks to go, cow’s milk.
Anon. says
Straight to cow’s milk.
Anokha says
I would go straight to cow’s milk. I made it 11.5 months with my first child. I double-checked with our pediatrician, and she was comfortable doing a slow transition (e.g., 75% BM/25% CM, 50% BM/50% CM, etc.)
Anonymous says
+1, this is what we did.
Anon says
Straight. We did that with ped’s consent at 11 months (and continued nursing though 15 months part of the time because DD was just not ready to wean until then despite my best efforts).
Anon says
Cow’s milk or nothing. If baby is eating solids well and still nursing 3x day there is no real “need” for milk
Momofthree says
Any recommendations for travel-friendly games for a 6 & 4 year old? We’re headed out for a 4 hr. car trip & a hotel night and I’d like a game to bring along that maybe we can do in the car or play while we’re out & about.
Podcast plug says
Not so much games but podcasts! We did The Adventures of Finn Caspian and Smash Boom Best for an 8.5 hour car ride last year with kids who were then 5 and 3 and it was awesome. We also got plain old notebooks and called them travel journals. We encouraged them to draw what they saw and would let them bring them into restaurants. It was wonderful.
So Anon says
Wow in the World is a go-to favorite for us for any length of time in the car.
M in DC says
mine are similarly aged and like mad libs, uno, taco cat goat cheese pizza, sushi go. mad libs would work in the car if you have a free adult to do the writing!
Mary Moo Cow says
The Guess Who! card deck and Spot it! were big hits with my 6 year old and fit easily into a backpack or purse, and are pretty quick (can play while for your food to arrive, for example). Mine are also 6 and 4, and when we stayed in a hotel over NYE, I surprised them with a new pack of My Little Pony Dolls and two cheap craft kits from Michaels. My 4 year old doesn’t do well with board games yet, so no recs there. We did audiobooks in the car: all the Frances, Mercy Watson, and Strega Nonas.
CCLA says
5 yo loves all memory matching games, and they make some that are like a deck of cards so easy to take along (could not do in the car though). We’ve also done go fish in the hotel room. Following for more suggestions!
Molly says
Sleeping Queens!
Anon says
Does anyone have experience with paid “consulting” regarding software you use for work? I am receiving outreach from GLG Group and it seems fake to pay me to talk about software. Is it a real thing?
Anonymous says
Hi! I’ve done those calls before and I’ve also actually worked on projects with GLG and their competitors (Guidepoint, Alphasights, etc). I can answer any questions you might have but the short answer is no, it is not a scam.
Usually companies [investors, consulting firms, etc] will use GLG and similar to find people that know more than they do (which is usually 0) about a topic. In your case, they probably want to talk to users of a software system because whomever is doing the project is likely considering investing in the product or one of its competitors. I do this kind of work all the time for software firms.
When you work with those expert networks, make sure you set your rate nice and high. I charge $400/hr for taking expert calls. I’ve been on projects with experts that command over $1000/hr. No matter how junior you are, don’t consider setting it any lower than $150.
anon says
GLG is a real thing; I used to be a consultant and we’d occasionally buy their reports mostly for pharma/tech engagements. I have heard they tend to come across as scammy initially though.
Anon says
This is a real thing. GLG is the main name but others include Thirdbridge, Alphasights, Coleman and others. If you get chosen for an “expert interview” (you are the expert), it will be ~1 hour calls where you get asked about the software, what it does well and poorly, alternatives and how the alternatives perform, etc. These interviews are done by private equity firms, consulting firms, large corporate strategy or BD groups; to help make decisions about potential investments.
Momofthree says
This is a real thing. We’ve used GLG in the past for expert interviews at a mgmt. consulting company I worked at- this was related to understanding the market for a corporate strategy project (for example). It’s a nice gig & can pay pretty well.
Just be aware of any non-disclosure agreements you may have signed & things you can/can’t talk about. People may try to ask for protected information.
Anon says
Thank you all!
Fallen says
Since lots of people seem to live in southern CT/westchester NY – figured I would ask here – any favorite day trips/short weekend trips from this area with young kids (youngest is 3.5). Looking for fun short trips to take this weekend and throughout Spring as the weather is finally improving! So far my kids loved Mystic, Philly (more of a weekend trip), all the random fruit picking in the area in the summer/fall, thimble islands, new haven, UConn/Storrs
Anonymous says
Norwalk Aquarium, Stepping Stones Museum, take the ferry over to block island or for a mostly-the-boat-ride experience take the bridgeport ferry over to port jefferson.
NYCer says
Watch Hill, RI is great in the summer – we love Ocean House and Weekapaug Inn.
Storm King is fun for a day trip on a nice day.
Anon says
All the zoos! The Bronx zoo is our favorite. Yale has a a lot of fun museums but that’s very dependent on kid age/interests. Connecticut science center in Hartford. So many nature trails all throughout CT!
Anon says
I haven’t done it yet, but we’re thinking of heading up to the Berkshires in the spring for some hiking and the Eric Carle museum
EP-er says
I posted about a month ago about my 8th grader heading to Washington DC. Following up to say we decided to let him go. Talked to his pediatrician, who was shocked that they didn’t cancel the trip, but supported him going if he was boosted and wore a mask. We got his booster the first of Feb. Negative PCR test this week is required. DH & I agree that the point of being vax’d is so we can resume some normalcy, so I am crossing my fingers and wishing he has a memorable time. He leaves Friday evening, returns Tuesday AM. We will test before seeing my parents to help protect them. (And I’ll report back in a few weeks letting you all know that COVID ran through the middle school…)
EDAnon says
That’s so exciting!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Good luck!! I think he will have such a great time (it’s really cool to see the White House in person IMO) and I think the benefits outweigh the risks here. Case counts are much better than when you first posted so hopefully no one gets sick.
Anon says
+1 to all this
anon says
I think this is an amazing opportunity for an 8th grader and I’m glad he’s getting to do it. Is it 100% safe? No, of course not, but you’re taking appropriate precautions.
Spirograph says
Thanks for the update, I’m glad to hear you’re letting him go. It feels like all of the DC area had covid in January, so local case are on a major downward trend and back to almost pre-omicron levels. Mask mandates are expiring soon, but will be in place through this weekend. I hope he and all the kids have a safe, healthy, fun trip!
EP-er says
Thanks for the support, guys! Everyone gave me a lot to think about on the previous thread. I know that the board skews younger, but I always appreciate the discussion of older kid challenges, too! :)
Poster from yesterday says
Okay, so I got lots of helpful advice on the nanny question yesterday. Agreed on the park thing – it’s the sort of thing that I or the other parents wouldn’t blink at, but as my employee she did. When we hired her we talked about flexibility up front. We also talked about the dog!
I DO tend to find out DH is going to be traveling with one to two days notice fairly regularly, so it’s hard not to sometimes have last minute requests for her to stay a bit, but we communicated that we could use evening help last minute up front – it was part of the interview. Maybe she didn’t think it would really happen with COVID?
Here’s my follow up question for y’all: we pay solidly above market (she makes way more than I take home at my job actually), give four weeks paid vacation (two over the holidays, one at spring break, one over thanksgiving week) along with other days throughout the year based on her requests (day off for court, day off for fridge delivery, etc.), give unlimited paid sick days and we gave her a two week bonus at the holidays even though she’d only been with us since September. She also regularly says no when I ask if she can sit in the evening or the weekend, so it’s not like she’s being made to stay – she just doesn’t like that we ask last minute.
Have you found that you get a bit more grace from your nanny based on giving a lot of paid vacation/good bonus, etc? Or is it sort of luck of the draw? We were trying to compensate her for having to deal with our crazy lives, but I think maybe that’s just not working out. Does this even make sense? Like DH has to travel with one days notice sometimes, but he gets paid well to do it. So we were trying to push that benefit on to our nanny as well (who actually just says yes or no to the request, even though DH can only say yes…)
I’m working on building up a stable of backup but I’m having trouble finding babysitters these days. Not sure if it’s covid, but evening help has been super hard – other moms in our area are finding that too right now.
Spirograph says
Gently, I think you’re thinking about this wrong. This is her job. Sure you talked about flexibility, but what you’re actually asking is for her to work overtime … I would say no if my boss asked me to work extra on the weekend with nothing but an hourly rate (even a slightly higher hourly rate) to show for it. My free time is worth more to me than that, and it sounds like hers is too. She has a life. She has hobbies, she has friends, she probably has plans! You need to focus on finding more babysitters; a nanny is not supposed to be a one-stop-shop for childcare any time you need it!
Anonymous says
or maybe your nanny is the solution, but you need to set expectations differently. “We will need you X number of hours going forward. Does that still work for you?”
Spirograph says
Yes, this is a better way to put it. It sounds like she thought she signed up to work 45 hours a week (or whatever) and you’re really looking for more. Or you’re looking to choose whichever 45 hours you want — in which case you need to pay her as if and set the expectation that she is “on retainer” to be available for xyz hours.
CCLA says
Agree with this, though I have heard at least one scenario of finding someone with a gig more like what it sounds like OP is looking for. Our friends have a nanny that just stays as late as the first spouse gets home (they are dual physicians and needed someone to roll with the super variable schedule). Not sure what they pay but I’d imagine it’s a lot and I’d also imagine it’s uncommon as they’re the only ones I know what that set up. When we had a nanny we just contracted extra hours – we only really needed them a couple of days a week but we never knew which days, so just ate the cost of paying for more than we needed.
Anonymous says
I think there are nannies out there that are better fits for you. before switching to one, it sounds like it’s time to have a conversation with her about all of this. You are happy with her, but you will be needing increased flexibility- does this still work for her? if not, you may need to look for other help.
Anonymous says
I didn’t comment yesterday, but my first impression was that the nanny pushed back against your reasonable request to let the dog out because she’d already felt taken advantage of by being asked to stay late on short notice and to watch another family’s child at the park, both of which seem out of bounds to me. If you want her to work extra hours you need to pay her overtime and ideally provide her with advance notice. And don’t ask her to watch other people’s kids unless you have an up-front agreement that she will supervise playdates that take place at your home. The fact that your husband gets paid $$$$ to be at his employer’s beck and call 24×7 doesn’t mean that you can have the same expectations of your nanny that your husband’s employer has of him.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“ The fact that your husband gets paid $$$$ to be at his employer’s beck and call 24×7 doesn’t mean that you can have the same expectations of your nanny that your husband’s employer has of him.” +1
OP, I get that it’s hard to find babysitters last minute so this may be a situation where you need two shifts of nannies (or nanny + au pair) – one in the morning (maybe she can come earlier and do pet care stuff?) and one to cover the evenings. I know it’s expensive but I think that would helpful for everyone to know exact timing expectations while still giving you lots of coverage.
anon says
I still get icky feelings from this, just as I did when you posted yesterday. You don’t own your nanny’s time just because you’re providing decent pay and benefits. Ultimately, this just may not be a great fit for either of you, but I applaud the nanny for holding boundaries. (And I still don’t think she should be expected to provide pet care.)
Anonymous says
It sounds like you asked about flexibility in the interview process and she agreed to be more flexible than she is willing to actually be. One of the benefits of having a nanny is the flexibility of tasks and schedule vs daycare, and it sounds like you are paying a premium but not receiving what was agreed to in the interview process. I would look for a new nanny.
Anon says
Thanks – I think this is right.
We really spoke a lot about flexibility – I just think COVID made it seem like we didn’t need it early on when we really do.
Anon says
or perhaps in your mind it seemed like you spoke a lot about flexibility, but in her mind you didn’t. or you’ve asked her to do some other things that she is uncomfortable with (like watching the other kid at the playground) which makes her less willing to be flexible. also, and i mentioned this yesterday, but to me there is a big difference between flexibility and last minute flexibility/availability. like did you say upfront something like “sometimes the hours will be 9-5 and other times they will be 9-7 and we will pay you extra for that but often won’t be able to tell you until day of” my friend had a nanny who was ok with that, but not all people would be. i think if you otherwise like this nanny you need to have a chat and kind of start with a clean slate. you need to own up to the things that maybe you wrongly asked her to do – like watch another kid, acknowledge that maybe there was a miscommunication and ask her explicitly if the type of flexibility you are looking for will work for her. or, as someone posted below you need someone who you can pay to be available for a certain range of hours, or you need two nannies.
NYCer says
+1. There are definitely nannies out there who are more flexible than what you are describing re your current nanny, and it sounds like you may be looking for someone like that.
FWIW, I do not think your nanny is being unreasonable in wanting to protect her time. It just seems like you guys are not on the same page, which is essential IMO to a successful nanny/family relationship.
Anon says
Chiming in as a FT nanny employer who also pays on-the-books and above-market, and she gets a ton of time off (her own chosen 2 weeks per year, plus any time we’re off she’s off which ends up being another 3-4 weeks, plus sick time, plus whenever my parents or inlaws visit she only works 5.5 hours/day instead of 8 hours/day), christmas bonus/birthday gift/annual raise –
I *hope* that the fact that we compensate her well and treat her fairly (and are easy going, which is important b/c I WFH so we are in each other’s face all day long), mean that we’ll get to keep her for a long time. I’m hoping for loyalty, not increased flexibility. If I wanted increased flexibility, then that’s a changed job condition that I’d need to work out with her.
Anonymous says
FWIW, I think you’re being pretty reasonable and so is your nanny. This seems like a personality issue more than anything. Some nannies would be fine with this and some wouldn’t. Just to echo what others have already said: you need to have this conversation with her and look into adding someone else or pivot to a more flexible nanny. Either is fine.
anon says
I could see a person thinking a high hourly rate was just to appropriately compensate a person who is very skilled at their job. I wonder if a different pay structure might be helpful with a new nanny. Maybe pay market hourly, with guaranteed overtime at time and a half. Something like standard hours are 9 am to 7 pm daily, with the appropriate hours paid at overtime rates, but you’ll let her go early and still pay her overtime if you don’t need her all the way until 7?
At a certain point, you might just need to pay a second nanny to be on call, though.
anon says
As far as last minute requests, I’d expect zero negative attitude if I made a last minute request. Stuff happens. She shouldn’t be upset that you ask. But I also would only expect her to say yes if she doesn’t have plans and I would give her zero attitude if she can’t help out.
If you regularly need the option for her to stay late unexpectedly, I’d discuss the concept of “core hours” vs. “working hours.” We guaranteed our nanny a 50 hour work week, but had 55 hours of “core hours” where we expected availability. She never actually worked more than 50 hours, often more like 45, but we needed her to be able to stay if we got stuck in traffic or had a late call. We paid above market so this worked for us.
Anon says
I like this idea a lot. We’ve been doing basically a guaranteed salary plus overtime (for those times when she has said yes to staying late). I think the core vs. working hours would be better – thanks for the suggestion!
TheElms says
We do something similar. In our contract we agreed that our nanny would have 50 hours of availability a week (8-6 each day); we guaranteed pay for 45 hours (including applicable overtime), and typically our nanny works 46-48 hours a week.
SC says
This is what we did when we had a nanny. She only worked 4 days per week, but in those 4 days, she was available 8-6, we guaranteed 35 hours, and she usually worked 37-38 hours. I knew there was 1 night per week she was never available to stay late, and I was usually a little early on Fridays. The other nights, if I asked her to stay late at the last minute, she could say yes or no, and neither of us was upset about it. If I gave her advance notice and she couldn’t stay late, she’d often find a friend for me who could babysit. When she left to go to school full-time, she had given us the gift of a network of excellent babysitters.
Anonymous says
Ugh, venting. I just spent an hour talking one of my staff off the ledge over the latest idiotic thing upper management did. I am tired of this ish and cannot convince them to change their ways and act like human beings and good managers, and there is not much I can do in my position to make things better for my staff aside from continuing to advocate for them to a stone wall.
Anonymous says
nothing but sympathy. DH was in a VP role where he shielded his team from leadership nonsense. he did it for years and finally he was given the option to keep his job but do it in a way he didn’t agree with, or move into a new one, and he moved but laid out a thoughtful transition plan. They ignored the transition plan, put someone else in DH’s job and DH’s former management team all quit within 3 months. Then the layer under all quit or moved to other departments in the company. Two years later DH’s exec team “can’t believe how poorly operations is” and it “never happened under DH.” Huge eyerolls from literally everyone in the company.
Luckily, DH is still happily employed and now is a reference for his entire former team.
EDAnon says
That is so hard. I am dealing with that some, too. Especially with our Comp team which is focused on how to pay me whatever I want and to pay absolutely shit to out low paid employees (even though they turnover all the time, which is making my life hard, and my comp is just fine).
Anon says
Does anyone happen to know a decent all-inclusive resort in the continental US or Caribbean that isn’t terribly expensive? I posted before about trying to come up with a vacation to do with in-laws this summer after the original plan of a cruise fell through. I think everyone is now on board with an AI resort, which has many of the benefits of a cruise like easy decision-making for meals and the option for everyone to do separate excursions during the day. But finding a resort that is not horrible and will meet my in-laws’ budget needs is going to be…a challenge.
Realist says
I don’t have a specific resort to recommend but look at Phoenix.
Anon says
Costco has all inclusive resorts listed under their travel, but no idea on quality (I presume good) or price.
Anonymous says
What about a family camp? My alma mater’s alumni association runs one, I think there is a YMCA one in Colorado somewhere, and there are some in New England.
Anonymous says
YMCA has these in a lot of places! I used to work at one in PA, although the family camp was limited dates and the rest of the summer was a traditional kids’ sleepaway camp. Thanks for the reminder, I always forget about family camp! My kids are just the right age for this… maybe we’ll check one out this summer.
Good luck, OP, we went the opposite way and our all-inclusive in Cozumel fell through, so now we’re going on a cruise instead. Sunscape Sabor is nice if you want to try Mexico.
Mary Moo Cow says
Would you be willing to chip in for your in-laws’ share (if not in whole, in part)? That might be a solution.
Anon says
It’s two rooms besides ours, so to cover everyone’s hotel would increase the hotel costs by a factor of three which is a lot at the places we usually stay, and would impact our ability to take other trips this year. We could potentially contribute something, but that feels really awkward and I think would make them feel embarrassed. I can see completely covering their room as a gift but to be like “You can’t afford an $X a night hotel room, so we’ll give you $Y/night towards your hotel costs” just feels weird to me.
Anon says
Not child-related, but any other first-time home buyers feeling increasingly discouraged about trying to buy in these markets, especially in HCOL areas? I can’t stop kicking myself for not buying last year.
octagon says
We’re not first time homebuyers but the perfect house came up last summer and we weren’t really looking and of course it was snatched up immediately. Now everything is 20% more expensive and less perfect. And we are so tired of being cramped in our small starter home that was supposed to be a five-year home, and here we are on year 8.
Anonymous says
Ours was supposed to be for 5 years with everyone working in offices. Now we are on year 18 and spouse and I are both WFH. I. Want. A. New. House.
Anonymous says
Not a first time homebuyer, but we built a new home last year and construction costs went up so much over the course of the build, it was really frustrating. Given the issues with materials prices right now and continuing supply chain issues, things may continue to get worse before they get better. I am guessing starts on new builds and spec homes slowed down over 2021 and that will probably continue into 2022. Builders then might be shy to jump back in even if materials prices stabilize or come down over 2022. So I’m really worried the supply side of the supply-demand equation is going to continue to get squeezed.
I can imagine it must be very difficult as a first time homebuyer. And I don’t think there are easy answers as to whether it is better to stretch and buy something this year if you can, or waiting at least a year to see what happens. I could see either option playing out really poorly with all the factors in play for the housing market right now.
Hoping that something works out for you. But I would agree that right now is a really horrible time to be in the market for a new place to live, even for renters, because demand for housing is just so far above the supply available.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Where are all the boomers who are downsizing and allowing younger people to buy?! Is this just too early for this still, with lots of 65+ year olds still working? I just wonder how long house prices can keep going up and if we are ever going to reverse course with more supply than demand due to lower numbers of younger people buying (baby bust anyone?) Selfishly I want my kids to be able to live near us in the future, but not if houses start at $1million+.
Sorry OP, I know that doesn’t help. I can only hope that house prices will stabilize somewhat when interest rates go up this year.
Anon says
I really haven’t been seeing boomers downsizing, or at least when I have, it is in a way that competes with millennials buying starter homes. For example, my parents and in-laws have kept their big houses because there are not smaller homes in the areas where they live, and moving would make them be further away from work/family. Some of their friends have moved from 4000 sq ft homes to 2500 sq ft homes in worse school districts… but then they are competing with the couples and young families also buying those homes.
In my city neighborhood, which is mostly young couples and young families, the biggest house on the street was built by a boomer couple who was “downsizing.” Their previous suburban home was 5000 sq ft. They built a 3000 sq ft home as their retirement house… which again was bigger than all of the 1500-2000 sq ft houses on the street.
Anonymous says
+1. My parents want to downsize, and they’re basically looking at the same type of house I’d be looking at if I wanted to upgrade – they’re just a little pickier about finishes, and they understandably don’t want to do major renovation at this point. Thankfully, we’re able to make do with our current house for awhile longer.
Anonymous says
Boomers aren’t downsizing, that is part of the problem. And many of them are as good at maintaining their homes as they were at stewarding the environment for the next generation. Which is to say, they die holding real estate that needs new and updated everything but not priced that way. What young family wants a house where they will be living in constant construction just to have a decent kitchen, energy efficient windows, and a roof that doesn’t leak.
And to echo what some other commenters are saying, the biggest house in our neighborhood is an 8,000 square foot monstrosity. Everyone else (mostly families) has 2,000 to 3,000 square feet. The big house was built for retiring boomers, of course.
FVNC says
Also not a first time homebuyer, but in the next few months we’ll be purchasing a home across the country, sight-unseen, in a competitive, HCOL area I’m not familiar with. What could go wrong? Ha…
Boston Legal Eagle says
If it’s the Boston burbs, I and some of us here could probably give you some recs on neighborhoods!
FVNC says
This is so kind! It’s NoVA; we have friends there whose judgement we trust who can check out things for us. But this group has already provided a lot of insight for which I am very grateful!
Spirograph says
Not a first time buyer, but we’re keeping a close eye on the market and hoping to move in the next 6 months. It is discouraging even in our higher price point, and we talked with a realtor who basically advised that the only way to buy successfully is to go in with a high offer and no contingencies. Ugh. On the plus side, our current house is such a perfect starter house, and on the less-expensive side in our neighborhood, that I have zero worries about it selling in no time flat. (unless there’s a massive change in the housing market before then, of course)
Anon says
Seriously. We are in Westchester, looking to move to southern CT, and I keep saying to my husband, who would think it’d be so hard to find a 4 bd/2 bath, 2800 sq ft home for $750K?!?
We have a little flexibility with WFH and are going to sell, then possibly stay with my parents until things settle/we find a new place. I’m really hoping it’s by the fall, or at least the end of the year, but who knows???? At least we will be making out big by selling our starter home
Anonymous says
We are in an MCOL area and are seeing a lot of 1) flippers buying entry-level homes and 2) people coming from HCOL areas outbidding locals on bigger homes.
Anon for this says
I am a first time homebuyer and we just bought our dream home, but I am sure that we overpaid.