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Anon says
I just finished “Fat Talk” by Virginia Sole-Smith and I would highly recommend it. She examines so many of the issues we discuss regularly here, usually through a lens of eating disorder prevention.
Anon says
I read her Substack for a little while but I kind of go back-and-forth on some of what she says. Did you find the book better than the Substack?
OP says
I think they are very similar, but the book is about parenting.
Anon says
Anyone have any tips to having a good weekend (especially with little little kids)? Do you have a set routine or plan? If so, what is it?
Our weekends are kind of a mess. It feels like we’re constantly negotiating who’s doing what and basically reinventing the wheel every weekend.
New Here says
We try to divide it up so that each of us gets some solo time, some 1/1 kid time, some family time.
So this past Saturday – my husband took our daughter to gymnastics while I went to the gym. He spent the afternoon with friends, while kid & I did the library and just hung out.
Sunday, I usually grocery shop and will take the kid with me. Didn’t yesterday because I have a cold and just wanted to get home. Our family plan was to go to the pool…we scrapped that since I was sick.
We try and have a morning and afternoon activity of some sort. So morning gymnastics for her, then we figure out the afternoon.
Anon says
Will be bringing the kid into the picture towards the end of the year so no comment on kid-specific techniques, but one thing we found that helps for good weekends is thinking on the previous Sunday night what we want to do the next weekend. That gives time to arrange purchasing of tickets, etc. for whatever might be needed. It also really helps to have a plan to look forward to. I really hate waking up on a Saturday with absolutely no plan but a vague desire to do something and then nothing gets done because we didn’t plan.
It is also my personal goals once a kid is in the picture to spend more time booking camping trips and outdoor adventures a year out, which is something you have to do in California where we live. I always have a vague idea that certain parks book 6 months out but I don’t have the dates marked and then I miss them and never get a spot.
Mary Moo Cow says
How old are you kids?
My kids are now 9 and 6, and weekends have only really gotten fun in the past year/year and a half. When they were both under 5, weekends were loooong and frustrating because every task or outing took so much longer than I wanted it to and they didn’t appreciate the plans I made. Stepping back, during the work day, one week to reflect on what went well, who needs what, and then having an honest conversation with DH, changed things. I shifted to minimal errands and chores on the weekends (scheduling grocery pick up and laundry during the week), and them growing up plus me really, really lowering expectations so that I was pleasantly surprised when everyone got along and had fun were the two biggest game changers.
I work out every Saturday morning at home while DH oversees kids playing or cleaning their rooms. Right now, one parent takes DD9 to sports and the other takes DD6 to sports on Saturday morning, we meet at home for lunch, and Saturday afternoon is playing at home or going to the pool. We might run to the library or Target. Sunday is TV in the morning, church, out to lunch, then playing at home or the pool. Sunday afternoons sometimes involve hosting a playdate at our house. In the non-pool months, about every other weekend I plan an outing like the art museum, getting our nails done, going to a movie, going to the indoor pool. Otherwise we fill in the gaps with the library, playdates, shopping for fun necessities, roller skating. I ask for input from DH and the kids but they’re pretty meh about coming up with activities.
Anon says
9 months and almost 3 so yeah…
Bette says
I think this could be a particularly rough age time/gap because you could be managing 2 naps for your youngest and one nap/quiet time for your oldest.
It will get much better in 6ish months when your little one is down to one nap too and you aren’t nap trapped at home all d*mn day.
We had something similar and we did 7am -9 am both parents and kids at home – drink coffee and kids play.
Nap one in the morning, I’d take the older kid out to do something like go for a walk in the park or visit a playground, sometimes meeting up with friends. My wife would usually nap at home with the baby during this time.
I’d come home at 11:30isg, we’d all eat lunch. Then older kid would go down for quiet time/nap and my wife would hang out with the baby and I’d get some solo time.
Then I’d come home around 2ish. We’d all have a snack and the baby would go down and the big kid would get up and we’d typically let the big kid have some brief TV and we’d do whatever critical tasks we had for that weekend – folding laundry, paying bills, doing taxes, booking vacation, etc.
Then we all get up and do something as a family at 4ish like go to the park, take a walk and then lots of times we eat dinner out with friends at a local kid friendly place.
GCA says
My kids are older and we have more flexibility now, but when they were very small we used the block system with four blocks: Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon. Then all hands on deck for bedtime.
Every Friday night we would sit down, figure out all the stuff we needed to do, wanted to do, kid stuff (swim class, birthday parties etc) and other plans, and work out how to fit those into the blocks, with or without kids. Some of those were standing arrangements, like swim class, or my husband taking DS grocery shopping while I did a long run.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We still kind of do this, despite kids being 5 and 8 and no more naps. I think of the weekends as: Saturday morning, break with lunch and TV time, Saturday afternoon and same on Sunday. We definitely can do more all day outings but I think my kids (especially younger one) appreciates the midday break.
For OP, I would suggest giving each of you at least one of those slots off for solo time – either with other parent watching both (hard with more than 1 kid when they are little, I know), gym with childcare (wish we could have done this but Covid!), or babysitter in the afternoon. We had my parents come almost every Sunday morning for a while there when my kids were younger, which was a nice break for both of us.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, same. My kids are 6 and 8 and still do two hours of non-negotiable “quiet time” in their room on weekend afternoons.
anon says
My favorite weekend plan was little kids was to make a big pot of coffee, have some fruit and pastries on hand, and invite over a friend with a toddler or two. We’d all munch while the kids played and we chatted. It felt social and relaxing and I wasn’t on the hook for being toddler entertainment. After they left we usually only had a short time until naps. After naps we’d have family time (usually with an activity) and then dinner and bedtime.
AwayEmily says
YES to “meet up with a friend.” On Saturday mornings in bad weather, my friend and I meet up at our giant local library from 9-11am. The kids play and we chat. Once the weather turns nice, we do the exact same thing at a playground.
Anon says
how old are your little kids? and do they still nap? can give better advice with those details :-)
Anon says
9 months and almost 3! So yes to naps and with some foresight and I can cause them to overlap (last weekend I let the 9 month old’s morning nap go as long as he wanted and so we were essentially nap trapped all day. This weekend was slightly better because of that planning)
Naps says
I have 5,3, and 1 year olds and weirdly the weekends got a lot better when the 1 year old switched to one nap a day. It seems like it would be the opposite, but coordinating two naps makes it hard to do much.
GCA says
Juggling different sets of naps was SO hard! Mine are 3+ years apart so they were never on the same nap schedule – older kid had stopped napping by the time younger one even started consolidating to two naps. We took the ‘divide and conquer’ approach, and sometimes had to get the younger one used to carrier or stroller naps on the go.
Anon says
So they both still nap. Which in some ways is hard and some ways is nice bc you can relax or get stuff done. This is a short season as within the next few months your younger one should switch to one nap and your older might stop napping and maybe you can get kiddo to do quiet time. For now you might need to do some divide and conquer. But we generally go into each weekend with a plan or we never get anything done or go anywhere.
Clementine says
One key is that we really utilize our Friday nights. Like, grocery shopping? Cleaning the house? Mowing the lawn? Can it happen on Friday night??
After we put the kids to bed, we sit down and each make a fancy beverage and go through what the weekend plans are. Then, we each list out what our personal ‘goals’ are for the weekend. So like, this weekend we had no kid sports but a friend meet up, a pair of playdates, and another kid thing. I wanted to go for a longer run, spread mulch in the yard, and make a return. Husband wanted to watch the new Game of Thrones, go through a pile of kid debris in the kitchen, and pick berries. It works better for us to start with our ‘goals’ and then figure out together how we can make both things happen because weather and kid plans vary so much.
Anon says
We do the above, but on Thursday night and not Friday. I love the mental boost of ending work on Friday knowing that the floors are vacuumed, etc. so I can go into relaxation mode.
Anonymous says
I agree that your nap situation is probably making things hard but we have a “template” we generally follow for each weekend. It might help with negotiating if you roughly approach each weekend the same way. Our current template it:
1. Saturday is my morning off. Spouse takes toddler to a class and then the playground.
2. Saturday nap my husband gets to do an activity out of the house (music lesson).
3. Saturday post-nap is family outing of some kind.
4. Sunday is husband’s morning off. I take kid and dog to a playground where I’ve met some other families with dogs. Kids/dogs play.
5. Sunday nap I do something out of the house.
6. Sunday afternoon we do a short family outing (e.g., a local spot), and then I grocery shop and meal prep (1.5 hours; with kid) and spouse takes are of random stuff around the house (1.5 hours).
Anon says
Mine are 1.5 and 3.5.
We try to each get some alone time each weekend (husband does gym for ~2 hours on Saturday morning and I’ll fit in a 2 hour chunk to do something I want).
We also try to get out of the house as much as possible (park, walks, errands). We aim to have a morning (pre-nap) “day trip” at least 1 day per weekend (zoo, museum, beach, pool, new to us park, light hiking). We visit family at least 2-3 times per month which kills an afternoon (we usually go visit post-nap and stay through dinner).
Date nights together are hard (we try to do them at home)… but we try to plan a “friend date” each about once a month (we’ll individually meet a close friend for dinner post kids bedtime while other parents stays home with sleeping kids).
When the weather is bad we drag them on errands to get out of the house and kill time (Target, Costco, groceries).
Anon says
I try to plan an activity out of the house for the morning and for after naps in the afternoon. It helps to have memberships to local children’s museums, but going to a playground, pool, religious service, or library is also great. I find kids act out a lot less when they are engaged in an activity, and I enjoy it too. I also enjoy meeting up with another family for play dates. Sometimes my husband and I will take care of the kids together and other times one of us will be on and the other can do something else.
Anonymous says
We have water days coming up at daycare where they want the kids to show up wearing their swim clothes and bring a change of clothes for after. My neurodivergent kid really hates the idea of showing up at school in his swim clothes. We went through this last year when he was 3, and we got him to do it a few times but otherwise he just got wet in a set of regular clothes and then changed into dry regular clothes. I suppose we can do that again this time, but do you all have any tips for how to persuade him to wear swim clothes?
Anon says
Can you practice at home? Set up a sprinkler or water table. You could also lean into athletic clothes as an in between; a thin athletic shirt is more comfortable than a rash guard, and athletic shorts are basically like a bathing suit.
anon says
I wouldn’t bother. He’s three. Just let him wear whatever he wants to wear and live to parent another day.
anon says
I’ll add that my kid had similar objections to PJ day. She thought it was inappropriate to wear PJs to school. We’d put a pair of PJs in her bag and let it go. She eventually outgrew the objections.
Anon says
Lol I also find it inappropriate to wear pajamas to school! They are form fitting and linked to the vulnerable time of sleeping. Not to mention pjs can be expensive and I don’t want them worn/torn outside the house (perhaps I’m scarred from having three boys who put holes in every pair of pants ever).
I’m always glad when my kids opt out of pj day at school.
anon says
Does he find swim clothes uncomfortable or just that wearing them to daycare is not what you’re supposed to do? One of my ND kids was willing to compromise on wearing regular clothes over a bathing suit, so it still looked the same as normal but then it was easy to take them off when water play started.
Anon says
what bothers him about swim clothes? the clothes themselves or hte idea of hte clothes?
Anonymous says
I think it’s just that it’s not the right time for them! He’s fine with swim clothes when we go to the pool.
Anonymous says
I would ask the director to support your kiddo in this. I get it, it’s easier for THEM if all kids show up in water clothes, but I also know the pain of getting a ND kid into clothes they aren’t happy about, and it’s really not that you’re being lazy, your kid is distressed by it.
Otherwise would go w/ letting him get wet in regular clothes.
Anon says
Agree with this since it sounds like kiddo is happy to wear swim clothes at the appropriate time. Would be a different answer/suggestion if kiddo always refused to wear swim clothes. Would kiddo maybe be willing to wear a dry fit shirt in the morning with regular bottoms? Then it’s a quick change and that’s basically like wearing a shirt
Walnut says
Let your kid dress like normal and send swim clothes in a bag. If daycare says something, just say it is your kid’s preference and leave it at that.
Anon says
If the school is okay with him staying in regular clothes or changing to swim clothes after he arrives, I would do that-his perspective makes sense and this doesn’t seem like a life skill that warrants a throw down every day (different than like he won’t wear shoes in the winter or something with health/safety consequences).
Other idea – would he find it funny to wear his swimwear to sleep night before and just stay in it for the day? Maybe that is a terrible idea, but for some kids going exactly the opposite can be fun
Anon says
I’m approaching the halfway point of pregnancy and beginning to get loosening and pain in the hip joint (right now it’s on the inside right hip as a result of pushing something heavy with my foot the other day). Are there any YouTube channels or exercises or other recommendations for getting this under control? I understand it may not go away, but I need to feel like I’m doing what I can to strengthen the rest of the area.
Anon says
Two thoughts:
1) I would look online for any prenatal yoga videos. In my pregnancies doing in-class and on-line yoga classes helped with ligament pain a lot.
2) If you’re not sleeping with a pillow between your knees, that might be something to try. Also, talking to your OB about your position when sleeping. I made the silly mistake with my last pregnancy to sleep with my hip stacked on top of each other because I was trying to sleep on my side, which is a big no-no. My OB gave me tips on how to prop up to avoid hip pain without my hips stacked at night.
Anon says
Get a support belt! Both my OB and the specialist PT recommended it as the best option. You want something adjustable but NOT STRETCHY because the goal is to reduce the amount of motion.
Anon says
I highly suggest asking for a referral to a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor therapy. I didn’t do this with my first pregnancy and really regret it, I was in a lot of pain from about 20 weeks until delivery. With my current pregnancy I decided to work with a therapist and it has been life changing. She has helped me so much! I’ve had SI and sciatic nerve pain that I’ve been able to keep to a minimal level thanks to her expertise. It has been worth the extra time and effort and is covered by my insurance.
anon says
I’ll just add that just because something is hurting now doesn’t mean it will continue to hurt. I had huge and terrible or hip or back pain at various points during my pregnancies and in each circumstance it only lasted 1-2 weeks before going away entirely. I’m sure other folks have other experiences, but it may not stick around even if you do nothing about it.
Anon says
Go to pelvic floor pt – yes, even for hip issues. You’ll probably be prescribed strengthening exercises. For a free option, I think Nourish Move Love has a good pregnancy exercise plan. You can also try Get Mom Strong if you want to pay.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Happy summer all! Sort of on the topic of weekends above, do any of you with multiple kids have one kid who just thrives being out of the house while the other loves being home? How to balance the two?! We recently went on vacation with the kids and my older kid (active, outgoing, adventurous, big emotions) just thrived. He was seriously the best version of himself. While my younger kid (more reserved, doesn’t like trying new things) complained, a lot (like during our ENTIRE short hike). Eventually got somewhat used to it but I could tell he was out of his comfort zone. Whereas they are pretty much the opposite when we’re home and younger kid is so easy while older kid runs around and needs to do stuff. Do we just divide and conquer? Keep trying to get the other used to the thing they don’t like as much?
Parenting: so much is out of your control, as seen by two very different kids! I will say, they do play together pretty well now, but I think my older one really enjoys being with other people out and about more, leaving the younger out a bit.
Anon says
I think it’s good to make sure vacations have some elements that your younger kid will enjoy, by default, but otherwise, I think he needs to learn that it’s not OK to complain all day, even if something is new or uncomfortable. That’s such a drag to everyone else, especially if they’re having a great time trying something new. Maybe that’s the place to start – a talk about how some things are new or different and we need to keep an open mind.
Anoon says
My kids are 100% like this, but age reversed. Older kid is a total indoor cat who prefers to stay home and read/do crafts and complains after too much stimulation. Younger sib lives his best life when he is out and about, social, and physically active.
Truthfully, we try not to accommodate their preferences with divide-and-conquer. We tell them that part of being a family is showing up for each other at the things we each like, even if it’s not our preference. So, older kid complained the entire 2 hour hike a couple weekends ago, and younger kid wiggled through the 2 hour play we went to this weekend. I think we are teaching them that they are not the center of the universe all the time, and not breeding resentment, but I’m sure there is no right way to do it.
Anon says
I only have one kid but this is our approach to vacations and general as well, with two adults and one kid who all have fairly different interests and preferences. We don’t force people to do things that terrify them or make them physically ill (e.g., my husband & kid get seasick so I don’t force them to go on boats) but otherwise each person gets to pick some things they enjoy and the other people basically have to s*ck it up and do it with minimal whining. On a recent vacation we did art classes and horseback riding for kiddo, museums for me and hiking for my husband. Everyone liked their chosen activities best but was able to get through the other people’s preferred activities.
Mary Moo Cow says
I have a similar dynamic. It’s taken some trial and error, and it’s far from perfect, and likely will change as they change again in the future, but, yes, divide and conquer. My 6 year old is happiest when she has full day camp followed by the pool, with time for reading in-between. My 9 year old is happiest when she has the whole morning to craft or stay at home with a parent’s undivided attention and an hour at the pool with a friend, max. So, this summer, DD9 has one half day camp with sister and two half day camps with friends while DD6 has two full day camps, one half day camp with sister, and VBS. On the weekends and evenings, DH and I sometimes split up and take one to the pool or an outing. We retreat to a quiet room and shut the door to talk about who is going and who is staying home or whether we need DD9 to suck it up and come along. We try for 50-50 she gets what she wants versus she has to come along, because a parent is busy or needs alone time, or because we’re a family and we stick together.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh yes, I am already thinking ahead to camp next summer! As much as it would be easier to put them in the same camp for drop offs and pick-ups, I just don’t think younger kid will enjoy being outdoors all day at the YMCA (he complains about bugs too). What do you do with the other half of the day? Your kid is older so she can probably chill by herself at home (with parent working nearby) but I think my kid will be too young.
Mary Moo Cow says
We’ve hired a teenager to babysit for the half day. That way, DD can be at home but has someone else to entertain her. I bought a ton of craft kits and kiwi crates for them to do.
And two camp drop off is annoying, but it is worth it for us for less friction overall. I take some PTO or flex my schedule to be able to come in late or leave early, and this year, we actually were able to carpool with another family (hooray for being in boosters!) so that I only had to do that twice.
Anon says
My 6 year old is only in half day camp this summer. We do have some help from my mom, who’s local, but she’s also really good at playing alone in the afternoons with minimal attention from me and I think we could manage without my mom. At this age, it’s definitely kid-dependent, but I find that the “indoor cats” are often the ones who are best at entertaining themselves at home with books, puzzles and pretend play.
Anonymous says
Yes and they’re twins so it’s difficult. I do have an older who is adventurous, so I let one twin pal around with him and they homebody sticks with me. I remind myself that they don’t have to do everything together. I’m still debating how many activities I can tolerate shuffling them around to (right now it’s one).
Anonymous says
YES. DD is 7 and is introverted, hates loud noises. She does enjoy friend time but happily plays in her room with legos and an audiobook. DS is 5 and outgoing! Loud! High energy! Loves all the loud noise and physical stimulation. Thankfully vacations have gone pretty well because we focus on outdoor/nature places. We avoid Disney etc because DD would get overstimulated and melt down. God has a sense of humor!
Anon says
i know this has been discussed before, but how not to raise spoiled kids? i recently realized my kids (age 6) will be going on 8 flying trips this year. all of these involve family in some way, but one was to disney (grandparents came), one ski trip (grandparents came) and one to a resort (grandparents coming too), and 3 of them involve staying at relatives’ house, and then the last two are visiting family for holidays but involve staying in hotels. growing up, i was most certainly privileged compared to most of the world, but we lived driving distance from a lot more stuff (and most family) so i took on average 1-3 plane trips a year (two of the three involved visiting relatives), but lots more driving stuff and in retrospect i learned that my parents alternated between flying vacations and driving vacations to save money. my kids attend a super diverse public school with people from all sorts of socio economic backgrounds, and have some friends with more and some with less, but i don’t want them to think that going on 8 plane trips a year is the norm. at the same time i don’t know if i want to not do trips we can afford to do, but maybe we should consider that. how do others handle talking about this with their kids?
Cb says
We travel a lot, and I had to have a chat with T about not being horrified that his pals haven’t been on planes or even a train. Once we were away, and T moaned “I am the only one who has to go to camp in LISBON!” and I did pull him up on it.
Our lifestyles aren’t otherwise flashy at all (3-bed semidetached house, single oldish car) but we clearly have more resources than other people in our community. But we don’t tend to go big on souvenirs and I kind of assume they share at circle time and T says “I went to Legoland Denmark” while other kids stayed local, and it isn’t really a big deal. We often explain why we are doing it – our families don’t live nearby, while most of his friends have local family. They can often tag along with me on work trips, and we do prioritise travel in our budget.
Anonymous says
My thoughts on this are pure theory at this point, bc my kids are still little and I have no idea how we’re doing. But broadly my point of view on these types of questions is that the most important thing is to lead by example. Are your own friends socioeconomically diverse? Do you personally make sacrifices so that you can prioritize helping others or the planet? Do you buy only what you need? I see so much parenting advice these days and it’s kind of shocking to me how much of it skips over leading by example, which I think has to be the foundation of everything else.
Anon says
I’m in a similar boat. I grew up very comfortable, and my parents paid for an expensive sport and my fancy private college education so I had a lot more than many, but international vacations were a pretty rare thing, they drove their cars into the ground and they had a really tiny house that was actually so small it was uncomfortable to live in (to be fair, it was inertia more than money that kept them in their “starter house,”) so a lot of kids in my very middle class school district had more outward markers of wealth. My kid has everything I had and much more, including a large, recently renovated house, multiple international trips per year (sometimes flying in first/business) and all the activities and fancy camps she desires. I do worry that she takes it all for granted, although I think at this age (mine is also 6) it’s hard to have perspective and awareness that you have so much more than others. For now, we focus more on things like chores and working hard at school (her version of a job for now) and having a good attitude about chipping in with things that help the family. We do allowance, and don’t buy toys except at her birthday and Hanukkah, which I think has been good for learning to budget and save and I like that at least she isn’t drowngin in toys. Most kids in our neighborhood have more and fancier toys.
Pogo says
I don’t know but I struggle with this. For our 6yo we have started giving allowance based on chores and if he asks for a toy or a souvenir, he knows how much money he has to spend. It has really motivated him and helped him understand the value of money. He is also allowed to ask for things at birthday and holidays, so he has an Amazon list where he puts stuff when he has a sudden “omg I need this bc a kid at school has it” that leads to a lot of plastic junk in our house if we gave in every time. That has helped him learn delayed gratification.
We also do talk about how much work time it takes for us to earn the money to do something, and recently having an addition put on our house helped him see the physical time and labor to make something so it is less abstract. I am with you though. The experiences these kids have had by the time they’re in first grade surpass what I had by the time I was in college in many areas.
Anonymous says
My kids are going on 7 plane trips this year (4 trips to visit family or friends and 3 vacations), so similar situation. I think you can just remind them it’s not normal if they seem to take it for granted. I don’t think you need to make too big a deal out of it at this age, beyond shutting down any comments that look down on others who don’t travel as much.
DLC says
It seems like flying vacations *are* the norm for your family, and that’s totally fine. Just because it’s not the norm for other families doesn’t mean it’s not the norm at all.
I read The Opposite of Spoiled and it makes a really good point that part of having money is sharing with your kids your values through how you spend your money- being transparent that you are fortunate to be able to go on vacation, but also also to donate (time and money) to other causes. I think being spoiled/ taking money for granted comes from not understanding where money comes from and where it goes and the choices that are made in between.
OP says
yes, they are now because of where we live. most of our family is on the east coast and 5/8 trips i mentioned would all be driving if we also lived on the east coast, potentially 7/8 bc we wouldn’t have to fly for a ski trip or necessarily fly to a resort. i like the point you make about values and tradeoffs of spending money on X instead of Y, or prioritizing certain things etc. we most certainly don’t buy our kids whatever they want whenever they want and talk about how packing our lunch for the pool instead of buying it, we have more money to spend on something else, etc. i also struggle (and this is my own problem) with feeling guilty for my privilege rather than grateful (well i feel grateful too, but a lot a lot a lot of guilt).
Anon says
Your kids will probably think that kind of travel is normal. My husband grew up taking trips to Europe for weeks at a time, and he talks about it like it’s normal and is not self-conscious about how privileged this makes him sound. We now have to prioritize travel in our budget because it would be a major disappointment to him otherwise.
I think giving kids regular chores can help them be less spoiled, and a less “me, me, me” mentality. Having them save up for big purchases like a new bike can also give them an appreciation for saving and the value of money (and the idea that they don’t automatically get whatever they want right away.)
Anonymous says
Oh man I feel like the worst mom ever this morning. My 4 year old got a new spider-man toy this weekend, and he wanted to bring it to daycare today. I said no because it has small parts and I don’t want it to break or get lost at school. He put it in his backpack anyway, and when we got to the school parking lot I took it back out of his bag and put it (I thought!) in my purse and told him spider-man would be waiting for him when he gets home. Then I went home and now I can’t find it anywhere! It might have fallen out in the parking lot, or I have no idea where it went. He’s gonna be so sad when we don’t have it tonight. I ordered another one online but it won’t be here for a few days.
Anoon says
Not the same, but once we left a precious stuffed animal in an airport. Ordered a new one to our destination and made up a whole elaborate story about how the stuffed animal was on an adventure and couldnt wait to tell us about his travels! You could make up a story about Spiderman being out on an adventure to save New York City (if your kiddo is at all familiar with the Spiderman story).
AwayEmily says
I do stuff like this from time to time (we all do!). I think of it as a really good time to model honesty and sincere apologizing (lord knows my parents never did that for me). “I made a mistake, and I want to tell you right away.” Then explain what happened and follow up with some collaborative problem-solving (“Can you think of anything I can do to make waiting easier? Maybe we could draw some Spiderman pictures together and put them on your bedroom wall?”)
Anon says
Agreed. And this is why I role my eyes at Dr Becky’s “pretend to make mistakes” shtick. I have plenty of real life mistakes; I don’t need to invent them!
Fair Play question says
I recall seeing Fair Play discussed here in the past and I’ve read some reddit posts as well. One thing that comes up is what if you and partner are not aligned on the priority/value of a task – I think typically it’s a man/husband not seeing the value of certain emotional labor items like remembering Stuffed Animal Day or whatever.
However in my case, I don’t see the priority/value of some of my husband’s big contributions and I’m trying to work through that. For example, he will spend hours organizing the shed or attic, digging out old/ugly plants/shrubs/trees, etc. To me, those things need to come AFTER you have taken care of everyone’s basic needs like food and clothing and sleep. Sure if a tree is going to fall on the house, let’s take it down. But if it’s in the back of the yard? and you just don’t like the way it looks?? Is that more important than helping pack their lunches and do their bedtime routine?
Trying to shift my thinking on this to help us align on priorities. Does Fair Play take the value/priority of task into account? I feel like we would do it and my pile would be bigger but he’d say chopping down trees is harder (or whatever) and I would say it’s not as important as making sure our children are fed and clothed and we wouldn’t get much out of it. I’m wondering if we both prioritized our tasks and agreed to each drop one of the lowest priority or something?
Anon says
There’s a difference between chores that are “nice to do” (organizing a shed, taking items to Goodwill) and “need to get done on a daily basis so the household can run” (cooking kids dinner, packing lunches, emptying dishwasher). Men (because let’s be real, it usually is men) don’t get to opt out of bathtime or kitchen clean-up just because they edged the lawn last Saturday. Those are two different buckets.
Anon says
I think about tasks as urgent vs important (and the various mixtures of both). The day to day stuff is urgent and it’s always going to be there. Sometimes you have to let it go a bit and prioritize other things, or those things will never get done. My husband is more like you — he can’t focus is there are dishes on the counter, or it’s approaching bedtime, etc, so spends a lot of time on the same mundane things every day (or multiple times a day). I would rather sometimes let the dishes pile up all day or push bedtime half an hour if it means we can tackle other projects.
I like your idea of communicating your priorities. Maybe going into the week/weekend you can each name 1-3 things you want/need to accomplish, and work together to carve out time for them.
Anon says
So, I think you should read the book (and do the related card deck) there’s also a limited run podcast if that’s more your speed.
Fair play handles this with the idea of everyone is silently responsible for the entire task – conception, planning and execution. So, yeah, if your husband is responsible for lunches and spends the whole day organizing a closet, then the natural consequence of your kids having no lunch is all on him. And you don’t bail him out. You hand it all off to him and if he’s driving to 7-11 to buy lunchables at 10pm, it is what it is. She also has ways to weight tasks (like, car repair isn’t equal to daily washing of dishes).
Anon says
Solely, not silently
Anon says
part of the fair play system is talking through and reaching an agreement/compromise on “minimum standard of care” and there are a subset of cards labeled as DG (daily grind) which are things that must be done daily.
for example, let’s say that you and your DH agree that for your family the minimum standard of care re dishes means that all dishes are washed, dried, put away, or in the dishwasher before one goes to bed that night and let’s say DH is in charge of dishes, but also in charge of plants. Perhaps you can’t stand looking at the dishes in the sink for 2 hours while he is throwing away old plants, but as long as before he goes to bed he does whatever you’ve agreed on with the dishes, you just need to let that go.
we went through the fair play cards, but modified it for our own life/schedule. my DH travels a lot for work, so we change who is in charge of different ‘cards’ depending on his travel schedule. I do think the system is a good starting point for productive discussions, but requires compromise and you can take the parts of it that work for you guys.
OP says
Thank you! these were helpful responses. I did want to get a little more detail before deciding the buy the book/do the system. Sounds like some of the reviews/commentary I read were a little offbase.
The reframings here are helpful too – that is also what I was looking for.
Anon says
My husband and I read the book very early on (he got a promotional copy at work) and it was a good conversation starter. I see how it can be good for couples who are overwhelmed, and how it is so streamlined that it works in theory, but we never implemented it because I don’t think it’d work in our real life, with nuance.
For example, I understand why it is simplest to have one person own an entire task, but some feel overwhelming. Like, one person needs to meal plan for all the meals every week, do the shopping and cook every dinner? They also didn’t assign anything to the kids, who were certainly old enough to keep track of their own camp spirit days (an example of a big spousal blow up in the book).
In your case, it seems like you and your spouse will benefit from seeing chores from the other’s point of view, and uncovering the biases/assumptions you both hold. But I also don’t agree with all the rave, “this is revolutionary and the One True Way” reviews I’ve seen. It was too tit-for-tat for me, and with four kids I prefer an “everybody pitches in when we need it” mentality
Anon says
I think you should stop trying to compare what’s most important and realize it’s okay if you and your husband have different areas of focus. The book Two-Parent Privilege talks about how one of the benefits of marriage is that each person can specialize in different types of tasks, which broadens the possibilities for your lives as a whole. If you were a single parent, you might only be able to focus on groceries and packing lunches, and your yard might be overgrown and neglected because there just wouldn’t be enough time/money/energy to ever get to it. So it’s actually a privilege if each person can own different tasks and if you can think beyond just putting food on the table and getting laundry done. Say “thank you” to your husband instead of belittling what he’s doing as less than. That’s what you would expect and want him to do for you.
anon says
agree with this. One thing we decided early on in our marriage was that we were not going to do the “lowest common denominator” thing where if one person cares LESS, that’s the standard. Instead, we agreed that the standard would be at the level of whoever cares MORE.
So if I care more that the bed gets made, the standard in our home is that the bed gets made. If he cares more that the cast iron pans are maintained through a particular 5-step process, then that is the expectation for the cast iron.
I say thank you to him for taking such good care of the pans (even though I personally am not so particular) and he says thank you to me for making the bed (even though he doesn’t care as much), and we both get to live in a tidy, well-maintained, well-run home.
Anon says
Good example. Even in marriage, you have to live and let live. Trying to keep a scoreboard or make your partner think like you do is not a healthy way to be. Acceptance and appreciation are really powerful in relationships.
Anon says
Any recommendations for hair ties or similar for a none month old? I looked at target and didn’t find anything. My daughter’s hair is starting to be in her face, and I would like a way to pull it back. Thanks
New Here says
When my 4 year old was younger, liked these : scünci Kids No Damage Cotton Elastic Hair Ties – Assorted Colors
I found them at Target. They were/are easier to get out than the tiny clear elastics. No hair pulling.
Clementine says
teeny tiny elastic band. the little silicone ones will work.
Anon says
These! Search for scunci polybands
Anonymous says
Just a small vent. I have cut my kids’ hair their whole lives. It was fine when they were little but I don’t do a fabulous job and have been trying to get my older kid (9), who has some sensory and anxiety issues, to get a professional haircut for two years. Finally got one this last weekend!! And.. it was SO TERRIBLE!!!!! Super duper uneven, not blended well, weird long pieces sticking up because they couldn’t figure out what to do with his very wavy/curly very thick hair. So much for the “they’ll do a better job than your mom” line of argument!! I think we have a better recommendation for a different spot for next time.
Haircut says
so get the frustration! my kids weirdly prefer me (a total amateur) cutting their hair. I can do my daughter’s bob fine but do insist on professional taming of my son’s long curls at least twice a year. honestly given how much they charge for a cut, I really don’t mind doing the bulk of it myself.
but congratulations on getting the kid comfortable enough to go! that’s a big achievement if they’ve been avoiding it.
Anonymous says
My husband first took him along to watch his own haircuts several times! I’m really proud that he got kiddo to go at all, just now we need to find somewhere that will not make him look ridiculous. Plus I did not grow up with kids getting haircuts outside the home and I’m struggling with paying money for this, but if the cheap place was this bad…. In any case we do have a recommendation from a curly haired friend for next time!
anon says
I feel you. DS now finally is pretty good about them, but its been years of bad hair cuts, me/DH cutting it, or us waiting long between cuts to avoid the battle. We found that now the kid-specific places with kid chairs/TVs etc the kids (4 and 6) like better but a regular salon (we found one that is not very fancy, and has more men coming in for quick hair cuts) best for DS. They do a way better job than the kids place and are quick. I’ll also admit that for some reason what made the biggest difference was my mom took the kids for a “trim” (NOT a “cut”- don’t ask me, but this made a difference to them…) and they did way better than with me. She took them several times to the “fun” kids place, for ice cream after, etc etc. IDK if this helps at all, but maybe a trusted sitter could take them once? They can make it all “fun”? I hope that one of these things may spark an idea for you to make this easier, because trying to cut hair for a kid that is anxious/crying/upset is so, so hard!
Anon says
I started cutting my three boys and husband’s hair during Covid, and cannot justify going back to spending $25+ per person every 6 weeks since their hair grows so fast. I find my thick curly kid easiest to do, as I cut it short and his hair is so forgiving (can’t tell things are slightly uneven when they curl!). My oldest has stick straight hair that falls forward and his cuts always look lopsided, especially now that he likes the top a little longer. I splurged on a professional cut before his first communion this spring, and now that it’s been neatened up I think I can manage myself for at least another few months
Anonymous says
I will be 36 weeks pregnant on Thanksgiving this year. Does that mean we should stay home, or would it be OK to take a 4 hr train ride (DC to NY) to visit family?
Anon says
What are your summer must-do’s with kids? It’s hard to believe but it’s our last full week of summer break at home (we’re out of town for most of July and school starts Aug 1). My first grader is only doing camp 9-12 this week and I want to do as much summer fun as possible in the afternoons.
Anon says
Pool, popsicles/ice cream, and movie nights are honestly the things kids seem to love the most. Beach if you can swing it.
AwayEmily says
WOW. Our kids’ last day of school is tomorrow.
My summer must-do is relaxed evening swimming (pool, lake, wherever). Go at 4:30, pick up a pizza en route, and stay til 6:30. I love that it’s a bit cooler and less crowded.
Anon says
Yeah, the variation of the calendars is crazy. We got out in the middle of May.
Mary Moo Cow says
Our summer family must do’s are a week at the beach, the library summer reading program, and as much pool time and popsicles as we can stomach. Nice to do’s are movies, weekday playdates with friends/having friends over to our pool, mini golfing, tie dying t-shirts, making sno cones on demand.
Anon says
Go to all of the water parks, try all of the ice cream shops, water balloons, sparklers, capture fireflies in a mason jar, bonfire and s’mores
Anon says
vacation is part of ‘summer fun’ isn’t it?
Anonymous says
For us it’s all about fruit picking and fruit eating. The kids already went strawberry picking and raspberry picking with my husband- need to get in a couple more raspberry picking days and then blueberries when they ripen up in a couple weeks. Plus overspending at the farm stand :).
anone says
My 5 year old keeps getting in trouble last week and this week at summer camp. It’s always with the same kid and they say they are separating them, but it’s yelling and today my son hit him in the face. The teacher said they think it wasnt one sided and both boys are a problem, but I’m not sure what to do at home other than talk about it. I’m not getting a great story other than I dont like him.
Anon says
Is your son continuing in this camp all summer? IMO this is on camp to really separate them. It feels different than school, in that camp is supposed to be fun and a break and I can empathize with your son if he keeps getting stuck with a kid who annoys him. Maybe you can role play some specific situations and how your son can respond differently.