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It’s getting steamy here, and while I like a subtle glow, I don’t care for the glow that comes from running after the bus on a hot day. As the temperature rises, I’m considering adding Laura Mercier’s Translucent Loose Setting Powder to my makeup bag.
I’ve never been great at matching setting powder to my skin tone, so I find myself gravitating towards “translucent” powders. This perennial favorite is a long-wearing, loose powder in a matte finish. It has “no flashback in photos,” and claims sixteen hours of wear and up to eight hours of shine control. Perfect since I like to apply my makeup in the morning and forget about it until evening.
This setting powder is available at Nordstrom for $33.15 (marked down from $39). It’s also available in two other shades and a mini size (at Sephora)for $23 — perfect for travel or those who just want to try before committing.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Saw the comments from late Friday – congratulations AwayEmily! I feel like I know the regular posters here well and I’m thrilled for your family. You’ll have to keep us updated on how things go.
Also seems like this board will be single-handedly responsible for a ton of 3-kid families, haha. My two small kids are still overwhelming for me, but I haven’t totally ruled it out. Maybe when the little one is a little older…
Cb says
I am super fascinated by the rise in 3 kid families. When I was a kid, most of my friends had 1 sibling, I was an outlier as an only, only families with a SAHM had 3. Now I know loads of families with 1 kid and some senior colleagues with 3.
Anonymous says
Same here. I see a lot of families with two working parents and 3 kids. I am also noticing a lot with 4 kids, a dad with a very high-paying job, and a SAHM or teacher mom. It seems like lots of kids is a status symbol now. Interestingly, the big families nearly always seem to consist of all girls and then one boy, as if the parents kept trying until they got a boy.
Most of the 2-kid families I know have a SAHM and a dad with a regular job.
Our family is an outlier with two jobs and an only child.
Anonymous says
Yup. The hedge fund 4 is a thing.
Anonymous says
Sure is in my town. I hadn’t heard this yet but it’s 100% true. We live in a fancy leafy suburb of boston filled with one parent in finance/banking, another that works part time-ish (real jobs, but part time- think 20 hours at a local law firm, former VP of marketing now on retainer for 20 hours/week, ex MBB now doing one-off projects for $250/hr, that sort of thing) and 3-4 kids. I am hosting a little graduation party for one of my kids and just saw that every family was 5+ people!
Anonymous says
Three different partners at my law firm had five kids each! (All men with SAH partners, of course.)
Anon says
I used to make jokes about Status 3rd kids, called them ‘power thirds,’ etc. (I live in DC and 3 kid families are frequently religious Republican politicos)
Then kid 2 was twins. Joke’s on me.
Anonymous says
This is one reason we stopped at one. I did not think I could handle it if kid 2 turned out to be kids 2 and 3.
Anonymous says
+1! In DC, Kid 1 is a toddler, curveball twins for Forthcoming 2+3. Joke’s on me indeed.
Spirograph says
ha! I’m in the DC area, not a religious Republican politico, but I know three families of five+ who fit your stereotype exactly. :) I was really hoping baby #3 would be twins, because that’s the only way my husband would have agreed to four, but alas, singleton and we stopped at 3.
I’m one of 3, both my parents are one of 4, and I have lots of extended family with 3 or 4 kids, so it always seemed normal to me. I feel like three tips you firmly into “Let it Go” parenting territory (kudos to those who get there with fewer kids). I enjoy the freedom I feel from it being totally unreasonable to try to do it all, and like that my kids have shifting alliances to break up the dynamic between any two of them. DH and I both have full time, year-round jobs. Fed employee for stability and benefits, middle management at a large corporation for money. It works well for us. One or two kids is definitely the norm among our friends, though.
Anon says
Same. 2 kids was very much the norm in my Midwest suburb in the 1980s. Only very religious SAHMs had 3+. Now I know lots of professional agnostic women who have 3. I definitely feel like it’s a bit of a status thing, especially in cities like the Bay Area and NYC where you have to be very wealthy to afford that much space.
anon says
Ditto, I grew up in the 80s and almost all of my friends had only one sibling (even very wealthy families). It’s bizarre to me that having more kids is a status symbol these days. We are very happy to be stopping at 2.
Spirograph says
I’m uncomfortable with the three kids as a status symbol comments. That wasn’t anywhere in my decision matrix about three kids, and I doubt it’s the reason most people who have three or more made that choice, either. Financial considerations are one-among-many reasons people might choose fewer children, but you don’t need lots of $$ to have more than two kids unless you buy into the idea that each child “requires” sports & music lessons, their own bedroom, and a fully-funded 529.
Anon Lawyer says
Well daycare is prohibitive for a lot of families but I agree it’s not a status symbol for most people either. But I definitely know people who wanted more and we’re already daycare broke.
Anonymous says
Each child requires day care if both parents work.
Anonymous says
IME, it’s not just a $$$ status symbol but also a “look how much energy I have and what a great parent I am!” status symbol. Which often comes back to $$$ because it’s a lot easier to have the energy for 3 kids if you have a nanny and a cleaning service. It’s also a “look how mentally tough I am–I didn’t have PPA/PPD and parenting is sooooo easy for me!” showoff thing.
Spirograph says
@1:55 I’m struggling to wrap my head around the fact that apparently people take family planning choices as some kind of external message to the world rather than just the manifestation of the parents’ preferences about what they want their family to look like…
Daycare is expensive, but that’s just something you deal with. You don’t have extra kids to show off that you can pay for daycare.
Anon says
I think it’s less about daycare $$$ and more about that a family of five won’t fit in a 2 bedroom apartment so if you live in a HCOL area you have to have a lot of $$$$ just to find a living space that fits your family.
Anon says
I think “status symbol” is maybe the wrong term but people are definitely influenced by others’ choices. Maybe you weren’t, but lots of people who have 3 have done it because that’s what all their friends were doing and they wanted their family to fit in. I think “keeping up with the Joneses” is a better way of thinking about it than “status symbol” because I agree no one is saying “I will have a third so everyone knows how wealthy we are!”
Anon says
Eh, the people who would do anything because it’s a status symbol may well have more kids as a status symbol, but normal, well adjusted people do not.
I think the issue is that wealthy families have a lot more room to have kids. It’s not “just” daycare: it’s daycare, college savings, home space, a SUV instead of a car, paid help for drop-offs and pick-ups. Then there’s the reality of pregnancy and maternity leave: wealthy families can afford unpaid/partially paid maternity leave, or might work for companies that have generous policies. They are able to do things like have three kids in four years, without needing to space them out to financially recover.
Yes says
Spirograph, I agree completely. I know plenty of very much not wealthy families who have lots of kids. Just because wealthy people do something (that non wealthy people also do!) doesn’t mean that it’s a status symbol.
Anon4this says
I think this varies so much by friend group / career. At work (BigLaw) most of the associates only have 1 kid, partners tend to have 2-4+ (with a stay at home parent or teacher parent). I can count on one hand the number of partners and associates with more than 1 kid and a partner with a demanding job in terms of hours/responsibility. In my group of a dozen mom friends which was based on geographic location and kid age (we all have 2 year olds), 3 are likely not to have a second kid for medical reasons, 1 is expecting and most are still seriously on the fence about number 2 or more (maybe that’s the pandemic talking).
So Anon says
When I was in biglaw, the managing partner had six kids and his wife was also an attorney. They also had two nannies and a household manager, so essentially three nannies.
Anon says
when i think of all of my college friends around the country all either have or want two kids. many just had their second. one friend is pregnant with her 3rd. none of these friends are SAHM honestly i’m the exception with working part-time, but all the other couples work full-time jobs (doctors, lawyers in-house, engineers, etc. ), but none of the couples have jobs with the unpredictability of BigLaw, which isn’t to say it can’t be done – it just requires a lot of local family support or hired help. DH has a ‘big’ job and one of his colleagues has a wife who also has a ‘big’ job and they have two nannies and a weekend babysitter.
anon says
Just as a data point, we have 3 and are hoping for one more. Husband is a big law partner, I’m a GC. Lots of help, obviously.
Clementine says
It’s so funny. I’m one of two kids. Growing up, I liked being a family of 4 – it made sense for hotel rooms, cars… the world seemed built around 2 kids + 2 parents.
My friend group is very mixed. My oldest is 5 and there’s a big crop of 3rd kids now being expected (timing it so that it’s only 2 in daycare), but I will say that I think around here, 2 is still the most common. Most parents I know with 3 kids have one with the ‘go’ career and one with the ‘step back’ career. So, Mom is a healthcare professional but Dad is a teacher.
I’ll tell you, if you had told me I would have 3 kids and love it? I would have laughed in your face. Now – the dynamic between the 3 is so fun and so evolving. This morning, as we were driving to daycare, 3 yo was chattering and 1 was laughing these deep belly laughs. I tried to engage 3 in conversation and 3 goes, ‘No Mommy! I talkin’ to my sistah.’ It was a moment I’m going to hold on to and remember the next time 3 tries to ride the baby (sigh. facepalm.)
ifiknew says
I was coming on to post the same thing. Thrilled for Awayemily because so many of the things she posts are mom goals for me. I am still incredibly overwhelmed with my newly turned 2 and 4 year olds though (and I remember awayemily acknowledging she felt the same way with the close age difference), so It’s hard to imagine how people change their minds, but I’m sure there’s wisdom in seeing how kids grow and get easier. I’m firmly in the two kids camp, feel like I’ve just barely got all the balls in the air but my husband works biglaw and I do a lot of solo parenting.
GCA says
Yes, huge congratulations to AwayEmily! We are firmly done at two, but I’m so delighted for your family.
That is an interesting point, Cb. The two-working-parent families I know where both parents are roughly at the same level of ‘lean in’ vs ‘step back’ all seem to have one or two kids. With households where there’s a bigger ‘go’/ ‘step back’ differential (eg one SAHP + one big job or one part-timer + GC, say) it varies, but wildly: some have a planned only, some have 3 or more.
PS Clementine – I really like the ‘go’/ ‘step back’ phrasing – it doesn’t assume that the current ambition mix is permanent and it doesn’t carry the gendered baggage of ‘lean in’! (I really like Jennifer Petriglieri’s Couples That Work for a deeper dive into how couples decide to go vs chill in their careers, and the ‘rock star’/ ‘superstar’ terminology that Kim Scott uses in Radical Candor.)
AwayEmily says
THANK YOU. You guys made me start crying AGAIN. The “oh my goodness what have we done” feeling is slowly eroding (though I doubt it will ever go away entirely) and the excitement is increasing.
And career-wise, both my husband and I are academics, which means we have a lot of schedule flexibility (indeed, a lot of people in my department have 3 kids). We’re also in a LCOL city, which reduces the financial burden of a third kid (daycare is literally half the price here compared to the big east coast city where we used to live).
Pogo says
CONGRATS! Missed it, but we are also really leaning towards 3, so eagerly following along!
Cb says
You’ll be great! One of my colleagues is a senior academic, as is her husband, and she has 3 boys and no local family, and she seems to be rocking it.
So Anon says
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Walnut says
Congrats! We have three under five and we laugh at them non stop. (Except bedtime. Ugh. Thank god for melatonin.)
Anonymous says
Serious question – does this actually work or is it placebo?? I tried it for myself years ago and found no impact??
Walnut says
It really helps my kids flip a “switch” to encourage a sleepy mode. My husband and I are natural night owls and if my kids were left to their own devices would naturally fall asleep sometime after 11PM. We use all sorts of techniques to help our kids fall asleep earlier, but there are some nights where the melatonin is key for pushing them over the edge.
Anon says
Yeah, we’re having a fourth and my husband is in a big job where he’s well paid and seems to take it as much more normal. Whereas among my friends from undergrad and grad school we’re the first to have four and maybe the last! The women are career focused and not going part time. I’m sort of somewhere in the middle? Working full time but with flexibility. I’m excited for number four! But I try to remind him that this is a big ask for me! And we’re going to need a lot of childcare! This will be expensive!
Mary Moo Cow says
Congrats, AwayEmily!
I think my ovary is having an extinction burst, but DH and I recently have been talking about a third. There are factors like being 38 and only having one ovary, which seem manageable, and factors like facing a 7-year and 4.5-year age gap between kids. I really wish DH and I had these feelings 2 years ago, because we would have gung ho gone for a third. Now it seems a little too late, but we haven’t ruled out.
I, too, thought more people in our social circle had 3, but DH pointed out that for every family with 3 we knew, we know a family who has 0 or 1 child. The people I went to HS with who got married right out of college and had babies in their 20’s have 2 kids, while the people I know who married later and started having kids at 29 or above have 3 — maybe we’re making up for lost time! It also seems to depend on who your models are — 2 years ago, the family I knew with 3 kids was a hot mess and that influenced my thoughts. Now I know families with 3 who are timely, put-together, affording vacations, etc. If I knew then what I know now, we probably would be a family of 5.
Anonymous says
I do notice that parents who started later tend to have more kids and to have them more closely spaced. It’s probably in large part because they are in high-paying jobs so they put off having kids to get through school and start their careers, and when they finally do start having kids they can afford more kids and can afford the extras that make having lots of kids easier, like housekeepers and nannies. If you had your kids young, it would be very hard to go back to the diaper stage at age 35 or so with a 10-year-old and an 8-year-old when you finally had some money.
Anonymous says
My MIL says that the transition from 3 to 4 kids is what pushed her into the “hot mess” category.
Anonymous says
Did the family with 3 kids that was a hot mess have three *young* kids? because I feel like the age of the kids is more of a factor than the number… I was a hot mess when I had 3 under 5 (and with 2 under 3), but I’ve clawed my me time back now that my youngest is 5, and we manage to all be reasonably sane most of the time.
To me, 3+ kids, more than anything, is an indicator of a couple’s tolerance for chaos.
AnonATL says
My little boy is turning 1 in a little over a month! I’m planning to have a casual cookout at our house for local vaccinated family. I got down a rabbit hole of cutesy first birthday themes and now I’m feeling like my casual get together isn’t enough.
Of course my son won’t care one way or another, but any fun easy ideas for what’s likely to be a hot day summer bbq? He will be the only little kid unless we invite daycare people.
Anon says
i am giving you permission to do your casual cookout and telling you that it is more than enough. if you want to do cutesy stuff that is ok too. are you looking for a theme? activities? food ideas?
AnonATL says
That’s what I’m struggling with. Like clearly my kid won’t care and it’s just to impress the adults and for photos.
Basically doing it for the gram… but I don’t even have social media
I’ll just find some cutesy themed napkins, a few balloons, bubbles and squirt toys and call it a day. I do appreciate some of the themed ideas though.
Anonymous says
I don’t have social media so picking a theme was more about what kid would get excited about – rainbow shaped helium balloon or train shaped cake etc.
Anon says
at age 1, kids get excited about anything. my twins just turned 3 – highlights from their birthday were eating cupcakes and their balloon that lasted a month.
Anonymous says
Casual cookout is great! Cake/cupcakes and some helium balloons as centerpieces and you’re done.
I tend to pick a ‘theme’ and just order a cake and buy balloons (+ paper napkins) to match the theme which makes it seem more like an event (trains, hungry caterpillar, sesame street, rainbows, whatever he’s into). A $10 pack of photo booth supplies from Party City or wherever is also kind of fun for the adults.
Anon says
I’d stick with an easy summer theme. Have hot dogs, burgers, ice cream, and summer things like shade umbrellas and water guns and bubbles and any of these themes apply.
Baseball – Rookie of the Year
Ice Cream – We All Scream For One
Generic – Fun in the Sun at One
Water – Under the Sea
Sunglasses – One Cool Dude
Generic – Mr. One-derful
rosie says
Sounds lovely. I second the idea to get paper plates/napkins/cups in a kid pattern and let that be your “theme.” Bonus, you can pull out leftovers for random meals to make ordinary dinner fun because kid gets to use a brown bear plate.
Do you have a water table? That would be fun to have out for your kiddo to play with if it’s hot. Bubbles is also fun.
Anon. says
So far all birthday parties at my house have had the theme of “Birthday Party!” Not as great for Instagram but everyone has just as much fun. The only reason to do a theme is if you find joy in the planning of it.
This will likely change soon as I expect kiddo will eventually have opinions, but so far I’m holding steady.
Anonymous says
When my MIL asked me what the theme for DS’s first bday was – I looked at her blankly and said birthday party. what I did do:
– printed out 5×7 photos from each month (because I friend had given my clothespins with numbers on them)…. and hung on the wall in the dining room. Did this at Costco where I also picked up food. Grandma was satisfied and we actually left it up for a month because the LO loved it. (this was worth the effort)
– party supply store and picked up a pack of bday balloons (maybe 10) and got them blown up. Sent one home with each kid in attendance. Also a “value pack” of birthday signs and hung them around the house. all in = looked pretty festive and took about 10 mins to set up. (kids were our friends kids).
– put some non helium ballons in the back yard.
– order a big cake.
DONE.
Celebrate surviving the first year – in isolation!
Anonymous says
The theme for my kid’s first birthday party was “I managed to make a cake and buy balloons.”
Anon says
that sounds like what my parents would say when people asked about my bat mitzvah theme. my parents didn’t believe in themes for bar/bat mitzvahs. don’t worry, i still had a service and very nice party with decorations, etc., but they didn’t believe in a sports theme or candy theme or whatever, and said the theme was “bat mitzvah”
Anonymous says
I have never been to a bar/bat mitzvah, but I’d assume that the theme for a bat mitzvah would be “bat mitzvah.” Just like the theme for a wedding is “wedding” and the theme for a baptism luncheon is “baptism.”
Anon says
in some communities, bar/bat mitzvah themes were totally out of control. and this was in a pre-pinterest/instagram world. it’s only worse now
No Face says
Go to Party City, grab some coordinated stuff, and call it a theme.
I have been using the same set of “Happy Birthday” stuff for every birthday for four years. My daughter LOVES it every time.
Anonymous says
+1 (value pack of birthday banners). Two have survived and 1 or 2 have been used for every birthday since including mine and DH’s. Best $6.99 ever.
S says
We just did our baseball team’s theme for our daughter’s first and that just meant cake, cups, napkins and plates for that theme. I MUCH prefer going to casual parties so vote you keep that up.
Anonymous says
Theme: BALLOONS. That’s what your 1 year old will care about. Go nuts with them.
Patricia Gardiner says
Most recent birthday party theme: Mommy’s writing a grant.
avocado says
I feel this so hard right now. My teenager is on notice that she is not to ask me to do anything that requires mental effort until my current grant proposal is submitted.
Anon says
Uh… we bought kiddo a cake and the grandparents FaceTimed in.
Anon says
My kid’s is this weekend and we’re literally having cake, no theme, just family. So whatever you’re doing is more than I am, lol
Anonymous says
What’s the best time of day for a 2 year old birthday party? It will just be in our backyard, with a couple of other 2 year olds and their parents and a few other friends.
Anonymous says
Do you want to do a meal or no? I’m usually a no and tend to do 2-4. People blather on about naps but there is no standard nap time and certainly I’m fine with people declining if the times doesn’t work for them.
Anon says
obviously you do you, but in my circle most people with 2 year olds would have trouble attending this party or would attend with very grumpy children. most kids i know nap somewhere in the 1-4 range. i say either go for a 9/10am and serve brunch food (or do like 9:30-11 if you really don’t want to serve food and just have donuts and coffee) or like a 4:30-6:30 and serve heavy apps/something that could be dinner for the kids.
Anonymous says
This is what I mean by people will blather on. Kids do not all nap at the same time, this works great for us.
Anonymous says
We were the world’s most relaxed parents about naptime, and even for us early afternoon would have been more difficult because day care enforced nap 1-3 p.m. and if she decided to nap at home on any given day it would have been around that time.
Anonymous says
90% of parents are rigid about afternoon naptime at age 2. If you have an afternoon party no one will come.
Anon4This says
You do you, but I’ve never been to a party (kid or adult) without plenty of food for all attendees.
Anon says
I think the host can pick whatever time they want, but early afternoon is a really common nap time in that age group.
Saying there is no standard nap time for 2 year olds is kind of like pretending there is no standard lunch time for adults.
Anon says
(By which I mean – yes, not everyone eats at noon. A lot of people eat at 11:30 or 12:30, or even earlier or later. But I still think it’s safe to consider the hour or so right around noon to be “lunch time” and to plan accordingly.)
Anonymous says
Like 10am – 12 (snacks/muffins/coffee) or 11am- 1pm (offer lunch). Past 1pm you run into nap time for early nappers. My kid napped late so 3-5pm parties were hard to make it on time (nap was like 2-4pm).
Anon says
+1
TheElms says
+2
Momofthree says
+3 we also specify when the cake/ song will be so people are aware.
GCA says
+1. Back when we had birthday parties (usually small, just a few friends) I usually put ‘cake time’ in the middle (11am in a 10-noon) and made clear it was totally ok to leave early if your tired toddler was about to have a meltdown.
S says
+1
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 2.5 year old naps from around 1-3, which I think is a typical nap time for this age, and is what they do in daycare (usually shorter there, ha) So I would plan on times around this – either late morning (10-12) or late afternoon (3-5).
NYCer says
+1 to these two options. Personally, I prefer the morning time slot, but either should work for a majority of families.
Anon says
personally i think 3-5 is too early for an afternoon start if you actually want people with kids to show up before 4. if kid naps until 3 and you have to get kid up, diaper changed, into car, etc. at least in my house kiddo does not move super quickly post-nap
Boston Legal Eagle says
True, 3:30-5:30 might be better, although then you run into dinner, which at least for us is at around 5:30! But that’s mostly for our older kid to get to bed in time, and if we had just the 2 year old, we could stay later. You can also serve some pre-dinner foods there. Although I tend to treat toddler party start times as guides so I would expect people to just show up when they can.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I would avoid prime nap time and do morning or after 4. Even if you don’t care if your kid misses a nap, do you want to host a group of overtired 2 year olds? That sounds miserable to me. And as a parent, I cherished weekend nap times for resting and getting stuff done myself. Bagel brunch parties were big at that age, although that may because bagels are sacred here (NYC).
Anonymous says
This. People will either skip or feel obligated to bring their overtired and cranky 2 year olds. Avoid anything 1-4pm.
SC says
I think 10 am is the best time. It’s between meals, though coffee and snacks would likely be appreciated. Afternoons are hard because kids’ nap at different times and for different lengths of time at that age.
AwayEmily says
+1
Anonymous says
I think morning is great, we are doing 3pm for my sons 2nd party. I know his friends nap schedules lol so it’ll be fine. But I do agree 10-12 is a good time.
Hmmm says
Anytime except for early/mid afternoon. 10am is my personal preference.
Anon says
in the summer, if you swim twice in one day or go to the beach and then go back out again post-nap (which requires sunscreen, bugspray again, etc.) or live in a super hot climate, when do you bathe kiddo? kids are 3 and get sweaty when we go outside and we cover them in sunscreen/bug spray, but then they nap in their beds. it seems gross to put them to nap without bathing first, but then if we want to go outside again in the afternoon, do we bathe them a second time?
Anonymous says
Sponge bath with a washcloth to remove bug spray before nap. Nap on top of the covers with just a throw blanket. Bath before bedtime.
Anonymous says
Same
Anonymous says
+1 – especially for bug spray.
I am more concerned by visible DIRT (like from the playground / park)….. To address I will sometimes do a foot bath + wipe down (just an inch or so of water in the tub / running tap in the tub). Clothing changes.
Lots of sheet changes.
:)
Anonymous says
I don’t have the energy to take everyone to the pool or outside twice in one day.
Anonymous says
Ok then don’t
Anonymous says
That’s too bad. It’s one of life’s great joys to go outside as much as possible – and a gift to have the energy/wellness to do so.
Anon says
oh, we usually don’t either, which is why we go in the morning and then take a bath before lunch, but we are going to visit my in-law’s at their beach house that also has a pool, so i was anticipating days of beach in the morning, nap, and then pool in the afternoon since it will be right there at the house and there will be other adults to assist us. afternoons we usually stay inside bc it is 100+ where we live
Anonymous says
Does their beach house have an outdoor shower or a hose at the back door? For beach house vacations, we always shower or hose off before coming indoors. That should get them clean enough before nap.
Anonymous says
For beach vacations, we went in the morning, came back and DH made lunch while I showered the kids and put them back in their pjs. Just stand in shower, get rinsed off, soaped up, rinsed off again and out. No hair wash unless full of sand. Eat lunch then nap. After nap change into fresh swimsuits and new sunscreen. Same routine in the evening. Whoever cooks, the other person does shower and pjs.
Our kids are eczema prone though so this was way less hassle to wash and lotion before nap than treating their skin if it broke out.
Anon says
Maybe we’re gross, but we just don’t worry about this that much. Bath in the evening or morning a few times a week, or when they seem to need it. We don’t usually use bug spray, but I’ve never been bothered by sunscreen staying on them. My kids are past the nap stage, but I’d never have worried about trying to bath them before one (unless they’d literally been covered in mud or something). I’d much rather wash sheets then wash a kid before a nap.
Anonymous says
I’d say rinse before you leave the pool, and real bath in the evening before bed. If you go to a beach that doesn’t have rinse-off showers, pop kiddo into a quick shower when you get home.
Pogo says
On our vacation last week, we did outdoor shower rinse and change just into undies for lunch/nap.
fallen says
How are you feeling about indoor (masked) activities for kids now that cases are low? As of now I have been doing mostly outdoor other than grocer store trips, but it would be nice to take the metro north into NYC, go to outdoor museums etc just trying to assess risk.
Anonymous says
Really good
Boston Legal Eagle says
We just signed our older kid up for swim and gymnastics over the summer (he was doing swim before too, which I know felt risky for most here, but we were ok with it) – both indoors, gymnastics is masked. We’re doing more outdoor trips to crowded areas like the zoo and farmer’s markets. I think masked indoor areas should be a lot less risky now – I keep hearing about these variants but I’m hoping that a. the fact that most adults here have the vaccine should keep it out of our area for the most part and b. it’s still not as bad of a disease for little kids, and in any case, if they’re masked, they most likely won’t catch it.
However, your risk tolerance may be different, and understandable if you want to avoid indoors until the kids are eligible. Outdoors is much less risky.
Anonymous says
I’m in NYC and took my son to the Natural History Museum yesterday, including his first subway ride in forever. I think the numbers are really low right now, as good as they have been since the pandemic started, and I’m pretty comfortable with the rules in place at museums for ventilation, etc – the big museums especially have put some money into this. It may actually be safer to go now than later in the summer, as mask rules are still in place indoors. I believe capacity may still be somewhat limited too, but that is likely to change – things are definitely not empty any more.
FYI we had to wait like an hour to get into the museum, even with timed reservations. I don’t think they have staffed up enough yet to handle current demand. It would have been faster if we had prepaid online; I was trying to do pay what you will. None of the cafes were open.
Anonymous says
Indoor masked activities yes, public transit no.
Anonymous says
This. And outdoor activities I don’t worry about masks. We went to a MLB game over the weekend. Kids wore masks while we were walking through the crowds to get to our seats, but once we were sitting down, I was OK with them maskless.
Anon says
depends on the type of activity. museum, yes. one of those jumpy places with ball pits that are already germ pools, no
Realist says
Keeping an eye on the Delta variant. I expect it to bring havoc for the fall when back to school happens but kid vaccines aren’t available/widespread yet.
Anonymous says
Yup. We are getting in our public activities now while it’s relatively safe.
NYCer says
I know I am much less risk averse than many on this board (no judgment to anyone of course, we are all just doing what we are comfortable with!), but we have been doing indoor masked activities in NYC since they re-opened last fall (museums, gymnastics classes, etc). I rarely take the subway right now, and my kids haven’t at all during Covid, but I would feel comfortable with that as well if the need arose.
Anon says
I’d feel fine about it. No one wears masks in our area anymore though, so it’s not an option for us. We have flown and will fly again this summer before the TSA mask mandate expires.
Anonymous says
Ymmv because our area risk level is still high. We are not doing indoor activities with the kids, masked or no, with the exception of (1) 1:1 piano lessons with vaccinated teacher, (2) grandparents who have been in our bubble all along, (3) friends can come inside for bathroom now. Means we are not doing many camps that our friends are doing, but I’m absolutely worrying about variants.
Anonymous says
Editing to add: we did have our child at in person school, but are considering camps and activities at a different risk/benefit analysis than school.
anon says
Pandemic learning just keeps on giving, doesn’t it? Our school system is still mostly virtual and scheduled a virtual field day for today. They encouraged kids to get together at each others’ homes and for parents to act as coaches. The catch? It’s a work day and we both have to work. My 7 yo is in tears because she’s stuck trying to do group activities on her own while videos posted by her friends of them having fun. I couldn’t exactly invite over kids over when I can’t supervise and didn’t feel that I could impose on other parents by asking them to take her. I just didn’t have bandwidth to network for an invite. This sucks.
Anonymous says
This sounds so much less safe than having kids do field day outside at school wearing masks – they are encouraging indoor gatherings?! Or are you somehow supposed to bring the zoom outside? How dumb!
anon says
Rates in our area are really, really low because we have a very high vaccine uptake. We’re talking 2-4 positive cases per week in a school district with a population of more than 200k. I think parents are fairly comfortable with kids gathering in small groups at this point. The big question is why on earth schools are still closed. It’s baffling.
Anonymous says
Schools are not going to reopen with at most 3 weeks left in the year.
Anon says
No kidding. Other schools in the area opened many weeks ago. Our administration said it was too complicated for us to open more fully this year. It’s very frustrating.
Hmmmm says
Ugh, that is insane. Sorry you’re dealing with that. I wish schools would think more about working parents.
Anon says
Wow, this is so dumb. I am sorry. Can you let her log off and have a free afternoon at home to play or watch a movie instead? Maybe you and she can do one of these activities together in the backyard after work, or something else fun like getting ice cream after dinner.
Anonymous says
Wow, I hate your school district and specifically this virtual field day concept. Our district has fully reopened but even when they were hybrid the (private, unaffiliated with the public schools but very much in lockstep) extended day program was the saving grace for full time working parents with inflexible schedules.
FWIW, I have a young kid and I would have welcomed your kid into our house for this NO PROBLEM AT ALL. I work, but I run my own firm so I scaled way back during hybrid schooling. My 1st grader has a buddy with a single mom with an insane job; she was WFH but completely unable to manage remote schooling. She spent a lot of time at the remote school/extended day program but we happily had her over for random days. It really is okay to ask around for help for stuff like this!
Anonymous says
+1 on do not hesitate to ask for help on stuff like this. I am actually happy when people ask me to give their kids a ride, let the group do their project at my house, etc. because it makes it easier for me to ask for help when I need it. Just choose your target wisely. If there’s a close-knit group of three or four friends who are exclusionary and are probably doing the activity together, don’t ask one of those kids’ moms. Choose a mom from a larger, looser friend group, one who is always organizing things, the Girl Scout leader, etc.
Anon says
Some activities I’m looking to sign my 3 y/o up for say ‘must be potty trained. no exceptions.” DD is trained #1 and 50/50 on #2. When we send her to gymnastics, for example, she’s in a pull-up for insurance. She’s also never had an issue while we’re there – she reserves the #2 accidents for specific times of day and only in the home. Does this suffice for the requirement for potty training? She starts preschool in Sept so we’re working on getting closer to 75/25 in the near term so she’s ready for preschool in a few months. Not trying to push boundaries – just not sure what’s the true expectation! TIA.
Anonymous says
I would ask. It MAY may have something to do with the staff not being trained or certified to handle toileting – I believe in our area that requires a different kind of licensure.
Ashley says
I have this same question w/r/t wiping when going #2. When the rules for 3 year olds are “must be potty trained,” does that also mean must wipe themselves? I’m hoping not…
Anonymous says
For kids ages 2 – 4 in extracurricular activities, the parents typically wait in the lobby/on the sidelines during class and take the kid to the bathroom themselves.
I have no idea about preschool. We did preschool at day care so there was always potty assistance if necessary.
Anon says
how did this work during covid? my kids weren’t in activities, but they still happened where we live, but parents weren’t allowed in the building
Anonymous says
The ones I know of closed down, went virtual, or allowed one adult spectator for preschoolers.
I don’t know how you would handle potty time for young children without parents around. The teacher can’t exactly leave the class to take a kid to the bathroom, and I don’t think most places would be comfortable having preschoolers in their typically adult-sized bathrooms unsupervised.
Anon says
Oh def not. Kinder they should be wiping themselves. My kids preschool requires potty training but they really don’t want the kids wiping themselves too much!
Anonymous says
In my area this means “we don’t change diapers.” If your kid is potty trained but occasionally has an accident, that’s par for the course for anything involving kids in preschool.
I would call, though, and make sure.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Good morning! Posting after a long, long time.
DS #1 (now 3.5) was exactly on/early for all movement related milestones – crawling, walking, etc.
DS #2 (6 months this Saturday!), not so much. He can sit supported, but isn’t exactly rolling over – he just kind of rolls over on one (preferred) side, sometimes to belly, not belly-to-back yet.
When I asked the ped last week (DS #2 had to go in to get antibiotics), she said as long as he was progressing, it was fine, but of course because I’m me I’m still concerned. Anyone else have any advice and/or can y’all tell me it’s going to be ok? :)
Cb says
I’ll tell you it’s okay with anecdata. My son didn’t roll for ages and ages, didn’t walk until after 1, and now I’m not sure if he ever crawled? He’s smart and decently physically adept.
Anonymous says
He’s not even delayed he’s totally fine just like the doctor said
Boston Legal Eagle says
My first army crawled beginning at age 5 months or so, and started walking at 11 months. Very active, and still is. My second never army crawled, began regular crawling at around 8-9 months or so and walked at 14 months. He’s a running (and skipping and galloping) champ now at 2.5. Sounds normal.
OP says
Thanks, all. DS #2 was 5.5 lbs when born (all fine, though, thankfully – I was 38 weeks, I just have small babies that grow into big, tall dudes around age 1, based on DS #1), so I worry.
:)
Anonymous says
based our on baby group….. my son rolled a solid 2 months before the kiddo born the week before him who was sitting unassisted by 5 months. My son was not good at sitting unsupported until post 6 months… (but could army crawl). he “full” crawled way before same kiddo but walked way later…..
Maybe he likes being on his belly. DS hardly ever rolled back…. sometimes if motivated by a toy… but he just wanted to sleep / rest on his belly.
Pogo says
My 10mo doesn’t even think about crawling. Unless the ped sends us to OT/PT, I’m not concerned. Older son’s best friend from daycare never crawled, she just started walking around 12mo.
Anon says
This sounds fine to me! I would make sure he’s getting lots of floor time and limited time in “containers”. Often babies just need time and space to work on their skills.
SF says
You have nothing to worry about but IF you want to feel like you’re doing something, there are a lot of helpful kid OT instagram accounts that have exercises you can do to encourage the next step in development. I recommend @milestones.and.motherhood and @kinactive_kids.
Again, NOTHING to worry about but it doesn’t hurt to have play guided by professionals.
Anon says
Another + a million to @milestones.and.motherhood. She’s great and I really dig her approach and also general transparency about her own struggles.
Anonymous says
I think you can listen to your doctor!
For anecdata my second rolled s bunch at like 2 mo just by turning his head; when he got heavier and that method didn’t work, he didn’t roll again till he crawled at … 9 months? 8 ? Something like that. Is a totally fine 2 year old now who has much better physical skills and confidence than my older child who rolled earlier.
anon says
I had a baby who was walking at 9 months, but didn’t learn to roll until well after 11 months. She could crawl across the floor, push to a sit, pull up to stand, and walk across the room. But if she toppled onto her back she would be stuck and cry for help, unable to flip herself over.
She was literally able to walk across the playground, climb the ladder at the slide, and go down the slide herself. But if she landed on her back at the bottom, she couldn’t roll over or get up. We kept trying to sort out what was wrong–it was so weird. She’s now a completely normal 5 yo.
Kids are weird. Development is uneven. I wouldn’t worry if he’s developing.
Cb says
Ok folks, I now have full proof that we cannot listen to our moms / mom aged figures about milestone timing. My mom told me “Oh, I was watching a video of T when he was 10 months, and you were telling him it was time for bed, and he said “I eat my dinner, I read my books, no bed!” Nope, nope, nope, my kiddo was an early talker but definitely not talking in full sentences at 10 freaking months. I suspect she’s even less reliable about my milestones (her story is potty trained by a year…reading at 3)
Anonymous says
My son used to go #2 in the tub all the time, and my mother told me I never did that. And I said, Mom, I REMEMBER doing that, which means it happened when I was waaaaay too old for it to be normal. I think it was kind of a sharted situation. Anyway, yes, they are unreliable! This is how the species continues – we forget.
GCA says
I actually am inclined to believe my mom when she says I was a complete slug who didn’t walk till 16 or 17 months! Years ago I was solo parenting my very active 8mo in a temp apartment for a couple of weeks and she came to help. We were bathing him in a makeshift tub (a laundry basin) and he kept trying to climb out into a slippery shower stall, and she turned to me and said ‘If you’d been this active at this age while I was home with you, I would have cried every day’! (I believed her. I *was* crying every day; some PPA may have been involved.)
Though she also claims I was reading at 3. /side-eye
Anon says
Haha that’s funny. I think my parents exaggerate my milestones too.
AwayEmily says
My mom also swore up and down that I learned to read right after I turned four, and even told me the title of the first book I ever read. Well, last summer we checked that SAME COPY out of the local library (I can’t believe they still had it), and there on the inside were stamps showing every time it was taken out. It was not checked out a single time the year I was four, but there were three checkouts in a row soon after I turned five. CHECKMATE, MOM!
Allie says
hahahaha. Perfect proof :)
ifiknew says
Can someone give me tips to manage my newly turned 2 year old son? He’s such a good kid solo, but when he’s around my 4 year old, he gets really overwhelming. I think these are all age appropriate things for a new 2 year old, but of course with my first, there was no one else to bug.
Things he does that highly annoy my (mostly patient) 4 year old:
1) Pull her hair for attention while she watches tv
2) take any toy she’s playing with because whatever she has is most interesting
3) Want to wear the clothes she’s wearing
4) Pinches or hits her
5) Wants to sit her tripp trapp when she’s eating even though he has his own chair
6) Destoy anything she’s working on in her bedroom i.e. magnatiles, imaginative baby doll play etc.
Now that I’m typing this, I realize it’s probably that he wants her attention and loves her, but I’m just not sure what to tell him to engage more positively that’s age appropriate. He’s been home with us, but maybe PT daycare this fall will help? I do keep them seperated a ton, so he doesnt bother her, but I want them to have a better relationship. Any tips from moms with this age difference and wiser will help (awayemily??)! :) TIA!!
AwayEmily says
I think your instinct is right that daycare will help, mostly because it’s just TONS of practice for them in maintaining boundaries.
What worked for us (and honestly much of this was just following daycare’s cues) was establishing and then repeating specific rules/consequences for all these situations. This also cuts down on the mental load of trying to figure out what to do each time because you are just on autopilot. For example, if he takes a toy, you give it back to the sister and say “No, I won’t let you take that. You can ask her if you can have it when she’s done. Do you want to have it when she’s done?” If he gets out of his own chair and climbs into hers, “when you get down from your chair you’re telling me you are all done eating. Are you all done?” When he pulls hair, “I am not going to let you do that. If you want to keep watching TV with your sister you need to give her some space, otherwise I will take you out of the room. Do you want me to take you out of the room?”
It doesn’t work overnight but one day a few months from now after repeating all of these a million times I bet you’ll realize it has been weeks since he pulled her hair, or whatever. Good luck! And of course some of this is just time — a 2.5yo is so much less feral than a 2yo, and a 3yo is a whole other ballgame.
Boston Legal Eagle says
On the first part, my kids love taking what the other is playing with (despite there being a million other toys around) and we’ve had some luck with giving them turns – i.e. saying “Brother X can play with this for one minute, then it will be Brother Y’s turn.” They tend to be ok when they know that they’ll each get a turn.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s fair for sibling Y to be able to demand a turn with the toy sibling X is playing with. It’s Y’s turn when X is done, not one minute after Y tries to grab the toy.
Anoner says
No advice but just commiserating. My almost 2 year old is exactly like this with her 4 year old brother. I’m hoping preschool in the fall will help…
OP says
Thank you! So helpful to know that its atleast normal!
Anon says
so no tips, but this was a line from a parenting newsletter i received over the weekend “A young preschooler’s way of saying “I’d like to play with you” may be to grab a toy from a playmate or even give him a shove.”
are there any ways to set them up for success with activities they can do together?
Op says
Thank you! So helpful to know it’s normal. I’m not sure what the overlap in activities are at this age. Any ideas? Outdoor stuff works really well
Anonymous says
Ha my sister did this to me when she was 2 and I was 7 – let’s just say there was a lot of screaming around the house at that time. 25+ years later, we’re both fine.
So Anon says
In search of summer beach reads: I have a three week sabbatical from work starting next Monday. I am in search of light-hearted beach reads. Bonus if it features a strong female character. I made the mistake of thinking that “light-hearted” was the same as “inspiring” this past weekend, which is how I ended up sobbing to the movie “The Art of Racing in the Rain” with my arms draped around my confused but loving Newfie.
Boston Legal Eagle says
The book “Beach Read”! It’s a romance, but a contemporary feeling one, with lots of funny parts. She has a new book out too, “People You Meet on Vacation,” which I liked, but not as much as Beach Read.
Anon says
+1. I tend to hate most romances and fluffy meet-cute books, but these are very good. They have good character development, writing and plot.
Anonymous says
Not traditional beach reading, but I just tore through each book of Becky Chambers’s Wayfarers series in one sitting. They are sci-fi but are really about human nature and human relationships. Not exactly light-hearted, but big-hearted.
Spirograph says
Flashback to when I listened to The Art of Racing in the Rain during a roadtrip, and had to pull over because I was crying too hard in the first chapter to drive safely. Wonderful book, but should come with a warning!
I’m jealous of your sabbatical, that sounds amazing! Have you read The Royal We and its sequel? Great beach reads. If you’re into YA, I liked the Daughter of Smoke and Bone series, as well as the Arc of the Scythe series. Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik. Anything by Jennifer Weiner for chick lit.
Spirograph says
coming back because I can’t believe I forgot this the first time: The entire Veronica Speedwell mystery series.
So Anon says
Oh I didn’t know there was a sequel to the Royal We! I’ll check that out. I love YA.
The book/movie needs a disclaimer! It starts early and just keeps coming…
Anonymous says
Crazy Rich Asians
Anonymous says
ooooh yes! Although (and I do NOT say this often), I liked the movie better than the books.
If you like romance, and by that I mean a lot of s3x, The Kiss Quotient is good. I didn’t like the sequel as much.
Anonymous says
Same. The movie was less preposterous and some of the characters were more human. By book 3 the plot is absolutely farcical. But still funny.
fallen says
I just finished Maybe in Another Life and it was such a fun light read!
Anonymous says
How light is light? I love Jasmine Guillory’s books. They’re meet-cute/romance novels (not bodice-rippers). Always with a diverse character set, and the women are independent and career-focused. Love!
Also enjoying People We Meet on Vacation right now.
Anonymous says
plus a million to Jasmine Guillory
Allie says
Beach Read, Modern Lovers, Red, White & Royal Blue, Selection if you want to be totally mindless.
Anonymous says
The Bear and the Nightingale series! Also fun for beach reading because they are set in winter. Not always super light, but love the strong female character and it’s a really good story.
Anon says
I hate most romance, including Beach Read, but I enjoyed The Unhoneymooners. It was light and fun.
Cb says
I loved Love in Color by Bola Babalola, lots of mythical tales, with a romantic spin. The audio narration was very good. I just looked at my book list for the year and in the 40 books I’ve read, they’ve all been so heavy. Need to find some lighter reads for myself as well.
Anonymous says
The field day comment had me thinking….. anyone have bright ideas on how to boost wifi in the backyard??
Anonymous says
If you have an unlimited data plan, consider just hot-spotting with your phone. Otherwise, move the router or put a repeater near a back window
Anon says
I have the eero mesh in my house and one of the units is close to a back window.
Meg says
This exactly
Anon says
We put a mesh router in our sun room so it covers the backyard.
Decorating says
Has anyone ever used one of those online interior decorator services? While I wish I had an eye for decorating, I’m slowly but surely accepting that I just — don’t! (Or maybe I would if I had more time to learn/spend/search?)
S says
I used modsy. I don’t regret doing it because I enjoyed the process and it moved us along, but we did not use most of the suggestions and the designer just didn’t land certain things (though he really did try, and was responsive, and wasn’t untalented).
anon says
We used decorilla and liked it so much we had them do another room a few months later
Anon update says
I posted last week about tension (which I suspect is due to my Covid risk aversion) with my sister who recently had her second baby boy. People had a lot of helpful advice, which I really appreciated and followed.
The update is that at this point it’s pretty clear that we’re being intentionally frozen out, which really hurts. They’ve done a variety of social events, etc. that make it clear that it’s not about recovering, wanting privacy, etc. That being said, I also want to respect that for whatever reason, she does not want me around right now, so I’m not going to push it.
So any advice on coming to terms with a family member giving you the cold shoulder? I have a hard time not constantly trying to figure out what went wrong, etc.
Anon says
Have you asked her what’s going on?
OP says
I haven’t, though I plan to. This started in the last 6 weeks or so and although I’m the type of person who normally likes to confront issues head on, I didn’t want to add to the stress of the end of pregnancy. In the same vein, I am planning to wait a few more weeks as things settle to bring it up – but I do plan to bring it up in time. So it’s the dealing with it on my end in the interim that I’m struggling with.
NYCer says
+1. For a sister especially (or a close friend), I would definitely address this directly. Alternatively, have you asked if you can come visit her and the baby at a specific time (e.g., How about we come over on Saturday at 10am? I will bring coffees/bagels/donuts/whatever you know she likes?).
OP says
Yes we’ve offered several things (not coming over because we were specifically told that they did not want to have guests), but the response has been very icy.
Anon says
I think more background info would be helpful. When did the coldness start? (Did she invite you to her baby shower and you didn’t attend (understandably so) due to COVID? Etc.
It’s tricky because she has a new baby, obviously, but my sense is either there is more going on here than what you’ve said OR you might be reading something into the situation than what is really there. It’s just hard to know without more info.
OP says
So I suspect it’s related to her asking us to care for her older (but still too young to be vaccinated) daughter when the baby came. We have an unvaccinated young child, so while my husband and I are both vaccinated, we are still being cautious in terms of indoor activities, eating out, being around other unvaccinated people. We were glad to be “on call” as long as she could commit to following the same guidelines we have been to protect our children. She agreed, but then at the last minute wanted to do some things that we weren’t comfortable with (and had clearly stated that we weren’t previously). So she made other arrangements… So in the end, I suspect our Covid risk aversion caused this tension, but I’m not 100% sure because I have not wanted to push the issue just yet. She had periodically made judgmental comments about our approach to Covid through this whole situation.
Anonymous says
Ugh, I have relatives like this. They feel entitled to have us help them and to have us assume risks we are not comfortable with in order to provide that help. I would actually be relieved that she’s giving you the cold shoulder. It probably means she’ll stop pressuring you to do things outside your comfort zone.
Anon says
Oof. This is a tough one and I know many people here will disagree with me – but I’m not sure you’re 100% in the right in this situation. Yes, she should honor your risk tolerance, but she was asking you to watch her child while she was in labor, not so she could go on a date night or something.
Anonymous says
Anon @ 2:28, the fact that she was in labor does not entitle her to demand that her sister expose her unvaccinated toddler to COVID. If they truly couldn’t find someone who was comfortable assuming the risk, the couple should have left the dad home with the older sibling. I say this as a person who was badgered into this situation before vaccines were available to anyone, during a surge. In our case it wasn’t just about the COVID risk of watching the older child while the mom gave birth. These relatives demand help from us all the time, usually at the last minute, and don’t even care to spend any time with us unless they are getting something out of it. In OP’s shoes I’d be grateful for the distance. In my own case I can’t distance myself from the relatives because they are on my husband’s side and he feels obligated to help them even though it bugs him too.
Hmmmm says
If you weren’t okay with watching her daughter while they were in the hospital due to covid risks, maybe she assumes that you also are not okay with seeing the baby for the same reasons?
Anonymous says
Oh, come on. Watching a child overnight is not the same thing as a brief masked visit.
Anonymous says
Well yeah refusing to care for her older child while she gave birth is obviously a hugely hurtful thing to do and the reason she isn’t interested in seeing you. No mystery here.
It’s bizarre to me you’ve presented this as “oh no who could say what I did so confusing.” She really needed you. You weren’t there for you. You think your reasons are good, she obviously does not. Actions have consequences it’s incredibly disingenuous to pretend like you don’t understand
Anonymous says
Like you didn’t have to do this but it’s obviously why she’s mad. And you know it.
Anon says
I think you need to re-frame this a little bit, honestly. It sounds like your sister is upset with you because you would not watch her child while she was in the hospital having her baby, even though you and your husband are vaccinated, unless she agreed to limit the activities of her unvaccinated child to protect your also unvaccinated child.
I’m not saying you are right or wrong in this situation, and I don’t think you’ve asked for opinions on that, which is completely fine of course. But I also don’t think it’s fair to pretend that you don’t know why your sister is unhappy with you.
Anonymous says
Yeah this. Have you even apologized? Why would she want to see you?
Anonymous says
It’s not OP who needs to apologize here.
OP says
I mean I’ve been pretty clear that I suspect this is the reason. And i tried to achieve the best of both worlds by being clear about what we were comfortable with from the outset, which was agreed on. Then things changed. I’m just trying to deal with the situation we’re in now and try to move past it…
Anon says
What was it that she did that you weren’t comfortable with?
Anon says
That’s fair, but how you move past it really depends on what happened. And rightly or wrongly, I would feel very hurt in your sister’s shoes. That doesn’t mean you were necessarily in the wrong, but I think you need to look at this as more than just a difference in covid-risk tolerance issue.
Anonymous says
You can’t unilaterally chose to move past not caring for your sisters older child while she was in labor. You made your choice and she gets to make hers.
Anonymous says
The sister didn’t have a right to demand that OP watch her child, and OP doesn’t have a right to demand to meet the baby. This just sounds like a relationship that is burdened by demands and expectations about what each side is going to get, with no intention to give on either side. It doesn’t sound worth salvaging.
Anonymous says
It’s not necessary and not always possible to have a close relationship with your siblings. Your sister obviously doesn’t share your values, and based on what you posted last week it seems that the relationship is mainly about your doing favors for her. She isn’t ever going to give you the close sibling relationship you dream of, so why not let her drift away and invest your time and mental energy in relationships with people who are not just trying to use you?
Anonymous says
Yeah sister values helping family more than coddling anxiety.
Anonymous says
For the zillionth time, avoiding covid exposure is not the same thing as anxiety.
Anonymous says
Nope. And refusing to care for your sister’s toddler while she is in labor when you and your spouse are both vaccinated is still not reasonable, and it’s absurd to come on here pretending to not know exactly why sis is mad.
Anon says
In the absence of an immunocompromized situation, births and deaths during covid fall under a different umbrella, I think. I spent a week with my 86 year old mother pre-vaccine after my father passed away so she wouldn’t be alone and I could help her and mourn with her. We both wore masks (taking them off to eat), but I had kids at home working and going to school and we just accepted that there was a small risk that I could be exposed and would expose her. Leaving her alone in her time of need was not an option.
Anon says
+1 team sister here! I don’t know why we’re framing watching older child while mom is in labor as a “favor” – that’s the kind of clutch thing that family is for!
My sister gave up Hamilton tickets when I went into labor and DH was traveling. She’s also just awesome. Not COVID-related, but it’s the sort of thing where you jump in to help if you can!
Same says
+1
Anonymous says
Giving up Hamilton tickets and exposing your own child to COVID are not remotely equivalent sacrifices. Although wow your sister is a champ!
Huh? says
I think it’s a little bit dramatic to say “exposing your child to covid.” Did I miss the part where the niece/nephew actually had covid?
OP says
Thanks. I think this is probably it – relationships aren’t always everything you want them to be and there’s some grief in coming to grips with that.
Anon says
Um, I have to say I’m on your sister’s side here. Case rates are low, risk seem limited with young kids, and she was in labor.
She’ll probably take a while to calm down and honestly she probably has a different view of your relationship now than she had previously. It is what it is. I would!
Anonymous says
+1 – I would have still watched the kid – labor is basically an emergency. From her perspective, it may seem like you used her need of you in this unique situation to punish her for other decisions she made about COVID risk. Which, you are entirely entitled to do, but it would take me a long time to get over that. It is really hard to get past being let down when you are really in need of help. E.g., I have a friend and former roommate who had pets and would routinely watch pets for other friends. When our apartment was treated for bedbugs, I asked if she could keep our cats overnight, as we had to get them out of the house for 24 hours. She ultimately refused because she was afraid the cats would transmit bedbugs. This is not a thing, and it was difficult to feel like she wasn’t willing to help, particularly because I was really desperate myself in that moment (living in a one bedroom apartment with a 4 month old baby, 3 cats, and bedbugs). The situation laid bare to me where I ranked in relationship to fear of bedbugs in a way that I didn’t appreciate.
Now I think I remember you saying she’s a taker to begin with, so that changes the situation, but this is a big deal and I get why she’s mad.
OP says
Thank you. Just to be clear, this came up after we had agreed on comfort level, but before labor started, so an alternate plan was made in advance. I still appreciate your point, just wanted to clarify that it was not an emergency situation.
Anonymous says
How is planning for birth an emergency though? It’s not like OP refused her while she was in labor. Sister knew the conditions on the offer, ignored them and then threw a hissy fit when OP stuck to her word.
Yes says
Yes. Also, if this was really about the kid potentially transmitting COVID to your kid- couldn’t you offer to watch her kid in their home and leave yours with your spouse?
You aren’t required to do this sort of thing for family or friends, but it you choose not to I think you can expect that it will impact your relationship.
Anonymous says
This is a good point. I would not be comfortable hosting the unvaccinated child in my own home with my unvaccinated kids, but I would be fine staying at the sister’s house myself with her unvaccinated kid.
Anonymous says
She wasn’t in labor. Sister asked, OP yes but only if XYZ, Sister ignores that, OP says sorry – can’t watch anymore, Sister makes other arrangements and then withholds meeting baby. It’s not like OP only told her in the middle of labor or something.
OP is in the right here. Sister thought she could do what she wanted and OP would just accept the risk. I’ve been through the getting taken advantage of by siblings, not fun. Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t meant they share your views and values. I would not be cool with someone expecting me to just accept a risk level that I already told them I was not okay with.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I get the sense that it’s not just about watching the kid while sister was in labor. OP did characterize the sister as a “taker” before this happened. It seems to me that they just don’t get along, so why keep trying to force a relationship?
I have a toxic sibling with whom I basically never interact. I choose to put my effort into relationships with my several BILs and SILs who are awesome. Everyone is happier this way.
Anonymous says
Same. Have had to accept that my sister just isn’t invested in our relationship and have focused more on BIL/SIL with whom we have a great relationship. Feel bad for my parents though as they can’t travel and she basically refuses to visit more often than every 3 years. They really miss their grandkids.
Maybee says
Alternatively, OP’s unspecified conditions were unreasonable and so sister had to make other arrangements and is hurt and/or no longer wanting to invest in this relationship.
Anonymous says
Right but if sister thinks they are unreasonable, OP was clear, sister didn’t care/ignored and then was mad that she couldn’t manipulate OP, how is that OP’s fault?
I’ve disagreed with friends/family at various points throughout the pandemic and had friends/family that had both higher and lower risk levels than DH and I agreed on for our family but at no point did I try to force someone to accept behavior that they told me in advance was too risky for their comfort level.
Anonymous says
+1 to 3:56. We are much more cautious than most of our family, but they’ve always respected our comfort level. (Except for that one time my husband wore a mask to visit his parents after everyone was because he was afraid of accidentally infecting dad who had just had surgery. That was maybe over the top and I don’t blame mom and dad for telling him he was being ridiculous.) In return, we’ve made big efforts to see everyone as soon as we felt it was safe. There seem to be no hard feelings.
Anonymous says
*after everyone was vaccinated
Anonymous says
+1. Not an emergency.
OP, I can understand this is very hurtful by your sister. Hopefully she’ll come around after time. You did the right thing protecting your family.
New variants of the virus are impacting children more and as someone who has a post-viral disease and can’t walk or work any more, it’s not something to be taken lightly. I would do anything to protect my children from that.
OP says
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s responded. It’s been helpful (but tough) to read all these different perspectives. I do really appreciate it.
Anon says
to me this is one of those situations where you need to both agree to disagree and find a way to move past
Anon says
+1 I don’t think you’re objectively right or wrong here. It’s just a disagreement and I hope you can find a way to move past it.
Anon says
Here is how I would view this if I was your sister, FWIW:
There was a statistically very small risk to your daughter if you watched my child. You weren’t willing to take that risk, and that is your right.
There is a statistically small risk to my newborn if you visit (due to all kinds of germs, RSV among many other things.)
I’m not sure I’d want to take the risk for you in this situation.
Anonymous says
If I were the sister in this situation, I would 100% be throwing covid risk back in the OP’s face not because I was especially concerned about it for my baby, but as a tit for tat. I’m not saying that’s right or nice, but it is what it is.
OP, you both need to cool off (for like… weeks or months) and start over with apologies. Risk tolerance is really personal, but absent your child being immunocompromised or otherwise high risk, I think your sister is reasonable to be upset you wouldn’t be the primary childcare plan for sister’s older child during labor. I’d be incredibly hurt by that if I were her. Let it settle. Text her every week or two to ask if she’s doing ok, or if you can drop off dinner or do anything to help, because ghosting a mom with an infant sucks too, but don’t push it. Whenever she gives you an opening, be ready with that apology. If she reciprocates, so much the better. If not, let the past be past.
Anon says
So as a followup: the dawn got the Neosporin out of my sheets beautifully. Thank you all.
Next up: any suggestions for how to handle when a pull-up goes through the wash?
I swear, I’ve been successfully doing laundry since I was like 10 years old. But have you seen/heard that thing going around that says that if you get lulled into believing you’re a good parent by your first child, your second will be a no-limits soldier? Definitely true over here.
Anonymous says
I want to make stuffed animals out of my kids’ baby blankets/sleepers. This is clearly a job for Etsy. I’ve found a ton of sellers but was wondering if anyone had personal experience and could recommend someone specific?
K. says
I highly recommend Eight Trees Company! The woman who does it used to live local to me and made stuff at our local farmer’s market. She has since moved, but I follow her online. Her work is wonderful!
K. says
I highly recommend Eight Trees Company! The lady who runs it used to make things at our local farmer’s market, but then moved to Green Bay. I still follow her work. She does wonderful stuff!
Family vacations says
Reposting on mom site to get more responses:
How do you guys feel about vacationing with extended family? Long story: my husband and I are both immigrants with family outside the US, except my BIL who moved during the pandemic to now live in the same city as us. My sister’s family visits US every summer and was planning a trip in 2020 and asked us in Feb to do a week long trip with us in summer. I told my DH who said it’s our 10-year anniversary in summer and I want us to do something with just our family. We can’t do two week-long trips, so after some back/forth he said he’s disappointed that I picked vacation with my side family over an anniversary trip with just us/kids. Of course, neither one of those trips happened in 2020. Fast forward now, we have booked travel over 4th July week. Now my sister family and my parents want to come visit us and asked if we would be open to having them join us over 4th July week. My DH was not happy about it – he said sister family can join, but having parents there will change the tone of the trip and he’s burnt out and he’s looking forward to this trip and he wants it to be just us. I said, my parents will stay with my sister in a separate place, there won’t be any expectation to spend all time together (I cleared with my sis our concerns).. DH said yea right, I know how that goes. He said a reluctant yes to them joining us. Sister and family thought some more and decided against joining us. But I’m still upset with my DH — mostly because he said hes “so relieved” to hear they aren’t joining us.
Keep in mind that when we initially thought about vacation in July, we asked BIL family to join us. Then we changed the location to someplace further away, still told BIL family to join, but they said no. I think DH would’ve been ok with my sis/family (without my parents) joining us, but I/my sister didn’t want to exclude my parents.
I think there is a bigger problem here that comes up every year — for my sister this is her time to travel/vacation when they visit us and want us to join them. But for my DH, he doesn’t want a family reunion trip every year. He told me last year, he would be ok with a weekend/long weekend trip, but a week of vacation is precious time. In the past, when I didn’t work and could go visit my sister in her country, my DH would get upset if I went too often/too long (2-3 weeks) coz he missed the kid(s) too much. DH wants us to travel together as much as can and not separately, but then he doesn’t want to spend too much time with my family (or his family tbh, though his brother he’s closest to and they are local now so we see them 2-3 times/week). I know and agree that my family has strong personalities, and his is more chill, but family is family and I love mine and get selfish about spending/maximizing as much time as possible with them.
My sister and parents will still try to visit and stay with us for a few weeks every summer (so my family doesn’t have to take vacation and visit everyone at my parents house (my parents live in US, other part of the country thiugh). My Dh wants my parents to come visit us rather us all 4 of us traveling to see them. Basically, I get the impression that dh wanted to use vacation time for just our vacations, and prefer our families visit us instead of us (or me/kids) traveling to visit them.
He’s told me in the past that i prioritize my family over him every time they are visiting/I visit them.
Anonymous says
You might try posting tomorrow to get more responses.
On the one hand, I sympathize with your husband- vacation with extended family is WAY different than vacation with just your family- there is a whole other set of needs and opinions to consider! I think doing that every other year is a good compromise. And he’s open to having them visit you, which sounds fair too. Frankly I get along really well with both my parents and my husband’s parents, and I don’t really like vacationing with even just them unless we all have separate hotel rooms, houses, etc, and they are all super chill and laid back and we can basically do whatever we want, they (the parents) are just along for the ride. Bringing more in laws into the mix makes it way less fun, more of a chore, and not something I want to do often.
Do you think you prioritize your family over him when they visit? That sounds a little unfair as an accusation, but considering you said they have “strong personalities” I can see that as being really exhausting for your husband.
Anonymous says
I think the answer you WANT is “DH is being unreasonable, of course you should see your international family as much as possible!”
That said..it sounds like your DH and you are on very different pages in terms of vacation time and time with family and it’s going to have to be one of things that you recognize will always create tension unless you can find a way to work with him. There must be a compromise here– can you and DH do lots of long weekends WITHOUT extended family so that when the week long or two week long trip involving your family (you there or them here) comes along he doesn’t feel like you are ditching the 1:1 time for family time?
I am more like your DH though in terms of my preferences for using vacation time so perhaps others will have a different perspective. There really isn’t a right or wrong answer here…but it’s tough when you aren’t aligned.
Anonymous says
You prioritize your visiting family over him and are being completely unreasonable and unwilling to listen to him.
Anonymous says
Yup. If vacation time is limited, I’d do long weekends with extended family, with or without your husband, and the weeklong vacation with just your nuclear family. Or have your family come visit you and don’t make him take off of work during that time.
When you get married, your first allegiance is to your spouse and children. Your extended family comes second. It may be different in other cultures, but if you come from one of those cultures and your husband doesn’t, this should have been negotiated before marriage.
Anon says
+1 your husband is being so so reasonable. I would be incredibly hurt if I were in your husband’s position. You basically have told him you prefer spending time with your family over him with your actions and your words. He wants to vacation with his nuclear family. There is nothing unreasonable about that. Having in laws around (even lovely ones!) is not remotely the same as having a vacation.
Anonymous says
Like he’s so so so reasonable. You think it’s just cool to take his kids away for 3 weeks? He’s fine with your family visiting for multiple weeks every year but just wants a week long immediate family vacation prioritized? I just think zero question here you’re being very unreasonable
Mary Moo Cow says
I think DH is right that adding parents changes the vibe of the trip and agree with him that the best laid plans that parents won’t “interfere” go to heck in a handbasket on the actual vacation. The fact that this comes up every year and you know y’all have different ideas of what vacations to take when and with whom points to resolving this in counseling, for me. A third party to help you tease out what’s important for each of you and how to say that to spouse and then deal with the resulting fallout if/when one of you isn’t happy about the arrangement.
I would also hesitate to hold DH this year to last year’s standards. It has been a doozy of a year and plans changed and what was acceptable last year might not sound so good this year.
Finally, we take a half of week of vacation with my in-laws every year. We rent a beach house for a full week and they come on Wednesday. It is our way of saying thanks for all the free childcare. Do I wish we also did this with my parents? Yep. But it is not feasible, so we squeeze in visits with them at other times. Do I also wish I had the whole week to myself with my kids and DH? Also yep.
I hope you can find a way forward!
Anonymous says
We generally alternate a bit. We prioritize visiting DH’s family in his country of origin to support kids cultural and language learning. Usually first week is vacation just us in neighboring country, then 2 weeks staying with DH’s family. We haven’t seen them since pre-pandemic so next vacation will be 3 weeks with his family. DH has travelled over with oldest kid for a week once, then I joined them for next two weeks. We have plans as kids get older for him to do an additional trip with one kid each year as that gets kid more one on one time with family. When his mom visits us, she comes for three weeks and we usually do at least one 4 day trip. BIL’s family has come to visit us once and we vacationed with them here that year. We went on vacation together one year for his mom’s birthday. Our 10th anniversary was a 4 day weekend away while my parents watched the kids.
YMMV – depends very much on the dynamics of a particular family. My sister’s DH is less tolerant of using family time to visit us/my parents and as a result the relationship is much more distance. He very clearly resents coming here during his vacation time and my sister will never come by herself with the kids. My BFF also lives elsewhere, she often comes a week early and WFH while grandparents watch kids, then her DH joins for a week. They use their other vacation week for nuclear family vacation time.
SC says
DH and I struggle with a version of this every year, though none of our family is international. I only get 12 days of vacation each year, so vacation time is precious. Not being able to travel in 2020 has put on additional pressure on everything.
The short answer is that everyone compromises. We don’t spend as much time with anyone as we’d like to. No trip is guaranteed to take place every year. We tend to travel around long weekends and add a day, or take a Friday off to create a long weekend. We try to do something with each set of grandparents every 18 months, not every year. Sometimes we travel separately, and DH will take Kiddo to visit family (though we don’t have the issue of needing 2-3 weeks to travel). I plan trips for just our immediate family, often within a half-days’ drive so we can do it in a long weekend or tacking onto a trip with family. I typically only take one full week off each year and spread out my remaining 7 days, even though I find full weeks off more relaxing.
I think you and your husband probably both need to compromise. He needs to understand that your family is important to you, and there needs to be time made available to visit them. It’s not fair that he’s essentially saying that the only way you can see your family is if they visit you.
For this next vacation, though, your family shouldn’t come. You already planned and book travel for a 4th of July vacation, which is only 2 weeks away. Your husband had a vision of what this trip is going to look like, and you know having your parents there will alter the dynamics. He was looking forward to relaxing vs. gearing up for a week with his in-laws. You can’t let them just crash his vacation with 2 weeks’ notice, especially if he’s associating this vacation with your anniversary.
Anon. says
Yeah, I’m on DHs side here. We’ve got a lot of long weekends planned this summer with his family for various reasons and I told my husband we had to book something that was just us. There’s something very different about vacation on your own versus vacation with extended family. I would be very upset if all of my vacation time involved my family or my in-laws (whom I love very much and get along well with).
Family vacation says
We already did a week long vacation (low key driving one) for spring break in April, so it’s not like this is our only vacation this year.
Also, my sister’s dh typically only visits for a week (that would be the family vacation time), and my sister/kids end up staying a few weeks longer while my sister wfh (and my mom is invariably here the whole time too, to help with all the kids)
But I see what everyone is saying. I think there is a disconnect between Dh and I on how we see extended family – we have had some issue along this line our whole marriage.
Anonymous says
Girl you got so much family time going on. So so so much. Do not have your family crash your vacation
Family vacations says
I know a few weeks/year is more than most families have with siblings/parents. But I get so jealous of people with their local/nearby families and those doing these international or resort like vacations together with extended families!
My husband is very nuclear/independent in his thinking (which is great when it comes to how he deals with his parents, but doesn’t work for me). Example, I call my mom once a day (always have), and he finds it a chore to call his international parents once/week (and he thinks I call my mom too much).
Anonymous says
Even once a week is a lot, actually. My husband and I call our parents maybe once a month? And we like our parents a lot. We just don’t expect them to devote all of their attention to us, or have time for a lot of chitchat on top of two jobs, a dog, a house, kids, etc.
Anon says
Yeah I gotta say I’m with DH here. I’m an only child who is super close to my parents and I only talked to them once a week before I had a kid and now I talk to them pretty rarely (they Skype my kid at least once a week and are generally much more interested in her than me, which I fully understand since I’m an adult and she’s a little kid who is changing all the time). It’s not wrong to talk to your mom every day if it makes you both happy, but you seem to be inferring DH doesn’t appropriately value his family because he only talks to them once a week and that’s absurd IMO.
I do travel with my mom and kid, we’re in Hawaii together now actually, and it’s reasonably fun and makes my mom really happy. But I have 6+ weeks of vacation, a large travel budget and a DH who doesn’t care about these trips (as long as he doesn’t have to go, lol). I would never give up our only family vacation for the year to see my folks, and I would never invite my parents on a vacation if Dh didn’t want them there. That is not how married people behave.
Anonymous says
Why did you get married if you basically wanted to keep living with your parents?