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Here’s one of my favorite French drugstore finds, thankfully available stateside.
This cream cleanser from LaRoche-Posay is gentle enough for daily use. It helps your skin retain moisture and its protective barrier while removing everything you don’t want. It even works for sensitive skin. Trying new products can be fun, but sometimes keeping things simple is best.
La Roche-Posay Toleriane Hydrating Gentle Face Wash is $14.99 at Target.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
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- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Anonymous says
My husband gets to go on a 5-day trip to London for work (it will not be arduous, mostly networking and sight-seeing), and I’m so jealous. What should I plan for myself so I can shift focus from being jealous of him to excited for myself?
Anonymous says
Why do you need to shift to be excited for yourself? It’s ok to feel jealous and upset. Recognize, accept, and process those feelings. Then you can keep moving forward and shift focus to providing context– other opportunities will come up for you and then it will be your husband’s turn to support the family while you are working. Five days will go by relatively quickly and then things will go back to normal. You are capable and will get through this!
Anonymous says
Eh, I think it’s fine for OP to want to set up something special just for herself. My husband rarely travels without me, so I like to take advantage of the solo time.
OP, my favorite treats in these situations are pretty mundane: ordering takeout for dinner every day, picking up a tiny cake at the grocery store for dessert, WFH without my husband yelling on zoom from the next room, sitting on the couch with a latte and the dog at my feet, aimlessly wandering the bookstore while the kids are at activities, reading a book in delicious silence after the kids go to bed. Basically all the quiet downtime I don’t get with my husband following me around demanding attention and conversation. It is bliss.
Anne-on says
This. My husband is on a rec league team and is out of the house from 6-9ish once a week. Kiddo and I pick out takeout (or I feed him kid food and order my fave adult takeout) and then I specifically pick out a show or book I want to see/read and enjoy the peace!
Fwiw, I realize this is a personal thing – I need a LOT of alone time/quiet, my husband gets sad and needy when I’m gone as he’d waaaay more extroverted.
Anon says
I usually focus on enjoying things that my husband hates when he’s out of town: romcoms, Indian food take out, eating in bed. I also take full advantage to be the “fun parent”- McDonalds for dinner! Ice cream! Sleeping in Mommy’s bed! Also, if he’s gone over a weekend I try to schedule play dates with friends of mine so I get some adult interaction.
Anon says
Ohhh!! Agree with above- grocery store chocolate cake + a good book! (In bed!)
Liza says
If you have kids, feel free to hire childcare so you can get some alone time. Maybe go to the movies alone and not share your popcorn. Or go to a museum and go through it at your own pace, without having to rush or wait for anyone else.
Also, consider hiring a cleaning service to come right after he leaves – that way you get to enjoy the whole five days with a sparkly clean house, and no one “helping” you mess it up again. :)
Anonymous says
Yes on the clean house. Why is it that the dude creates more mess than the kiddos?
An.On. says
I used my husband’s last trip to get takeout, stay up late in bed doing puzzles, and keep the house cleaner than usual. Boring but satisfying.
Anon says
Is there anyway you can leave kids with grandparents and go too? My husband is an academic and when he goes to places that are on my bucket list I normally tag along. It usually ends me being mostly solo but I sometimes get to see him for meals and I don’t mind solo travel anyway. Or if it’s not really about London and you’re mainly jealous of him having a five day solo trip, plan a trip somewhere fabulous for yourself!
Anonymous says
As the spouse who does business travel, I’d really resent having my spouse tag along or paying for my spouse to take a vacation to even the score. This trip sounds very difficult and it doesn’t sound like he’ll get to see or enjoy much of London. When I travel I am working 12+ hours per day. If I’m lucky I get to enjoy one or two nice restaurant meals, but often I don’t even get that. I let my husband come along twice and never again. He hogged the bathroom in the morning and made me late, then spent the whole day gallivanting around having fun while I was working.
Anonymous says
Haha, I misread and thought it said “it will be arduous.” Maybe in this case I would allow a spouse to tag along.
Anon at 12:18 says
Yeah I suggested it specifically because she made it sound like it was going to be a very fun, relaxed trip for her husband. But I’m not sure I agree that it’s unfair for a spouse to tag along even if the working spouse will be very busy. It’s definitely inappropriate for the non-working spouse to demand the working spouse entertain them and the working spouse should dictate the sleep schedule and not be forced to stay up later or wake up earlier than they want to. But I’d be kind of resentful if my husband was going to a place I’d always dreamed of seeing, we could arrange childcare and he wouldn’t permit me to come along and use his hotel room. Maybe it’s because my husband has had conferences in some seriously cool places like the Galapagos Islands, Croatia and Tuscany. And it’s normal and acceptable in his industry for spouses and families to come along. If OP’s husband has a boss who would be upset by his wife coming on the trip, then that’s certainly a reason not for her to go.
Anonymous says
Thanks, all. I think this is the motivation I need to plan a ladies’ trip with some friends. If we had local/energetic grandparents, I would consider tagging along on this London trip, but alas we do not.
Anon says
Do it!
NM says
Is everyone miserable?
It took a few years but my husband and I recently adopted an infant. She’s perfect and we adore her. We’ve only had her a few months and there’s definitely been some stressful and wtf moments, but overall we’re both enjoying parenthood.
Now that I’m a mom the conversations with friends and acquaintances have changed. Everyone complains about their kids and how challenging motherhood is. Even other adoptive mothers tell me they wished someone had told them how hard raising a child was before they started the process. These are mostly professional women with nannies, close by family and money to throw at whatever problem comes up. I’m baffled by this. I understand people vent and it is challenging at times, but I wasn’t expecting this level of unhappiness and resentment. Am I too new at all this to understand? I’m really enjoying motherhood right now and I’m terrified this is my future. What’s going on?
Cb says
I think it’s a perverse form of bonding or a feeling that talking about the good stuff would be smug. Or making conversation, like replying to how are you with “busy” or complaining about traffic. I tell people who are expecting how fun parenting is because everyone just tells them horror stories, and parenting is hard but delightful.
AwayEmily says
Agreed. I think a lot of it is how people try to bond — they worry about seeming smug or annoying if they just talk about how great their kids are, so instead they complain. It’s the same deal at work! It’s always easier to bond over complaining about how long meetings are or how frustrating IT procurement is. I think in most cases, these complaints do not reflect their actual underlying feelings. When people do it, I usually try to steer the conversation to other topics.
And then of course there are some people who just legitimately are having a hard time, and with them I try to empathize and listen.
Anonymous says
I never, ever talk about my kid’s achievements or my proud parenting moments, but I do try to talk about cute non-braggy things to avoid the negativity.
Anon says
Yeah I agree. I was actually just thinking the same thing after spending the weekend with several good friends and their kids (all 4 and under). The kids had their moments, sure, but for the most part they were delightful. But all the parents (including me) was complain about the kids and talk about our struggles. I think everyone is so afraid of bragging and being smug that it ends up being quite negative. I wish there were more room for positivity.
Anonymous says
Having young kids is really hard physically and emotionally. Helpless little humans need you (or someone you hire) to care for them every moment of every day. Even when you have help, the ultimate responsibility is with the parent at all time. This is a monumental life shift that is unlike anything else. No matter how much you hear that it will be hard, you can’t really comprehend how fundamentally life changes. I think that adjusting to this change is harder for some people than for others, and that’s ok.
But to answer your question, no, I don’t think everyone is unhappy. I love being a mom and I think I find it harder than most of my mom friends do. I think people are probably just venting, justifiably. I think you’re reading too much into it.
Anonymous says
+100 to every word of this. I love being a mother, we’re pregnant with our third (to prove how crazy we are), but it’s also hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
And yes, you’re too new to it to understand. Each phase is hard in a different way, but looking back, a single newborn was pretty easy in a lot of ways compared to the more complex challenges that older children (and multiple children) can bring. Everything is a phase, and if it’s feeling very easy or very hard, it’s probably because you’re in a phase. I would be careful not to get smug about it because it can change on a dime (not suggesting your message was smug!).
anon says
It sounds smug to say you’re happy and enjoying your kid’s milestones. It’s socially acceptable to complain and commiserate.
Anonymous says
+1 if you say everything’s great, you’re a POOPCUP!
Anon says
+1
We have one child so far (now almost 2 years old), and she’s been an easy one in every sense of the word. Slept through the night early, breastfeeding was easy for both of us, great and varied appetite, early for all the milestones so far, etc. etc. Whenever people ask me about motherhood and how she’s doing, I will tell them how much I’m loving it and how well she’s doing, but also disclaim all over the place that it’s all HER doing and not because we are magic parents! She slept through the night early because of her, not because we’re secret baby whisperers! Etc. Just because I feel like otherwise people think you’re lying or an @sshole (even if they asked the question in the first place).
I also fully recognize that our second could be a carbon copy, a 180 degree opposite, or any permutation in between.
Anonymous says
If you acknowledge that it’s luck you are not a POOPCUP. But anyone who does not acknowledge that is in fact lying or an @sshole.
Anonymous says
Are you me? My son has been an easy kid, I have a husband who does more than his fair share, and we have two sets of local, healthy grandparents who can’t get enough of their grandson. We’ve had small medical challenges, but we have the time, manpower and monetary resources to addresses these. I feel like such a jerk because it’s not some huge burden to have my particular kid.
Anon says
Don’t overestimate the difference that having two sets of healthy local grandparents is making. That’s a huge asset and good for you that you have it! But it definitely is smoothing your road in a way that many of us don’t have.
Anon says
+2 Yes. I had (relatively) easy babies but there was no way I was going to go around saying what easy babies I had for all the reasons you can imagine, probably rightfully so. So unfortunately you don’t really get the positive counter balance.
Allie says
Yup – google it.
anon says
Yeah, I think that’s the case.
OP – I generally think motherhood is great. I am much happier than I was pre-kids. I had a tough stint when my kid was about 3 months old but it passed pretty quickly. I have two stepchildren and so yes, life is sometimes A Lot, but I find a lot of joy in nurturing our family and also think that being with kids is pretty fun. (And I was not a kid person before.) My son is 2 and his favorite activities are yelling and throwing stuff, so he is by no means perfect, but IDK – it’s not a slog to me, at all.
anon says
I should add that the other moms at my kid’s school tend to be pretty positive, so you can find people like that for sure.
anon says
Nope! They’re just miserable people who like to complain. I’m a professional woman with an 11 month old and I am happier than I have ever been. I can’t imagine life without my daughter and she has enhanced my life a million times over. I didn’t like the newborn stage but I have genuinely loved everything since about 2.5 months. Her laughs and babbles sometimes make my heart feel like it will actually explode with joy. Congratulations on your adoption!
Anonymous says
Maybe consider that you’ve been luckier than many women. A lot of women have postpartum depression/anxiety, less support than you do, or harder babies. Also, I’d be mindful of the fact that having a whopping 11 months of experience does not make you an expert on the parental experience. Come talk to us in 5-7 years or when you have more than one kid.
Anon says
……aaaaaannnndddd this is exactly why those of us with a positive experience don’t feel like we can ever say so. Sheesh.
(I know you are reacting to her calling the complainers miserable people (some of them are! But you are right, not all), but still).
Anon says
Please keep sharing your positive experiences! They help those of us on the fence see what the benefits might be (because boy, are we seeing all the drawbacks…).
Aunt Jamesina says
The ol’ “just you wait!”. Classic (and sometimes true), but so annoying. I had a coworker “just you wait” me after she found out I was going through IVF treatments. She warned me to be careful what I wished for because her teenager was going through a lot 🙄
I tend to think that it mostly averages out. Infancy might be hard, but you end up with a chill teen. Maybe you have a good sleeper but they have food allergies that are tricky to deal with. Maybe your first is hard but your second is easygoing. Or whatever. Life is wild.
FVNC says
Yes, a little compassion goes a long way. Consider how your experience might be different if your baby didn’t laugh or babble…or make eye contact, or sleep or eat well. Because that was my first year as a parent and it was pretty terrible (and that was with an otherwise healthy baby who eventually, with lots of therapy, thrived! So I consider myself incredibly lucky in the end.) Obviously it’s not a competition, but to imply that if a new mom isn’t over the moon thrilled with life, they’re “miserable people who like to complain”is fairly hurtful.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, sometimes life is just hard no matter your attitude.
Anon says
+1 this is why the term poopcup exists
Anon says
I don’t think it will take 5-7 years. Ages 2-3 throw most POOPCUPS for a loop.
Well… says
I’ll be that person since the “miserable people” thing strikes a cord: Report back in a few years. You haven’t even hit the toddler years yet much less teenagers.
I love parenting but it’s not all sunshine and roses and if you have an easy baby, I’m happy for you, but no need to attack those who are further in the journey and/or have had a harder go of it.
Teehee says
“They’re just miserable people who like to complain.” – You’re adorably naive and I am not going to be the one to explain why.
Anonymous says
Yes this.
Ouch says
This is a bit like someone who has been married less than a year explaining why their marriage is perfect. I don’t want to burst your bubble, but also …. No need to tell me I’m a miserable person if I struggle sometimes!
Anon says
Yes, I commented below but infancy was by far the easiest part of parenthood for me. Not the most rewarding, but the easiest. I liken infancy to the chore of mowing the lawn and toddlerhood to the chore of doing taxes. Mowing the lawn is a brainless chore and I can let my mind wander. It takes time, but when I’m done I don’t feel mentally drained. When you’re doing taxes you have to focus on what you’re doing, so it takes not only the time actually spent on the task, but all the mental focus you expended on it as well. Caring for an infant is pretty robotic, and for me at least didn’t drain my mental energy the way caring for a toddler, preschooler or (I’m assuming) elementary schooler does.
Anon says
Also when you’re done mowing a lawn, you’re done. That’s it, you don’t think about that any more. When you’ve finished your taxes, you have the nagging worry that you made some mistake. I find that part of the analogy extends very well also. I was confident I knew how to properly take care of an infant. I didn’t second case myself and when I wasn’t with my baby, I wasn’t thinking about parenting (except in the “aww she’s so cute, I miss her” sense). I’m not confident at all that I’m doing the right things with a kid 2 and older and am constantly thinking about parenting when my kid’s not around.
anon says
OP here. I struggle too sometimes. But I don’t equate struggling with being unhappy. I know that the best, most rewarding things are often the most challenging. My baby had reflux and still doesn’t always sleep through the night. But neither of those things dampen my joy. A lot of people, including many of you posting here, think that struggles and challenges mean things are bad when really that’s just a part of life. It’s more about attitude than circumstances, truly
Ouch says
Circumstances matter a lot. I am not unhappy but I also have been through a lot more of the ups and downs of parenting than I had when I had one infant.
I’m not trying to pull rank on you (or maybe I am), but the truth is that you just don’t “get it” yet. And that’s okay!
I don’t think you’ll be miserable later on (I’m not!), but I promise there will be times in your parenting journey when you will struggle and yes, probably complain a lot and need to vent to other parents.
Anonymous says
Congrats on being perfect. Maybe just enjoy it without throwing stones.
Well says
It is easy to say that it’s about attitude not circumstances when you’re circumstances are really very good.
anon says
I should edit- I’m the commenter at the top of this subthread that you’re all saying is a POOPCUP. I’m not the original poster of this thread
anon says
To the OP, how can you say it’s more about attitude than circumstance? Have you ever walked a mile in someone else’s shoes? Have you had a colicky baby or postpartum depression? Have you had multiple children? Anything older than an infant? You really don’t know yet. You are making assumptions so you can pat yourself on the back and look down on other people. You are getting annoyed with people who are simply being vulnerable with you.
Pride goes before the fall….
Anon says
Yeah, sorry, I think you really just don’t get it yet. Reflux and not sleeping through the night may be exhausting, but it’s a different kind of exhaustion than you get with toddlers and older children. Come back to us in a few years. I don’t think struggles and challenges mean things are bad. I find a lot of joy in motherhood and love being a mom. But I don’t really need a lecture from the mom of an infant on how easy parenting is if just have the right attitude. It doesn’t work like that with older kids and I have an objectively “easy” situation (one apparently neurotypical kid without health issues, jobs that are flexible and not terribly demanding, local grandparents, etc.). It’s still a lot harder than having one baby.
anon says
Lol yall can all stay unhappy. After years of infertility I know what a blessing my child is and I’ll always be grateful for getting to be a mom, hard days and all.
OP, these people are why everyone always has to be negative. If you say you’re happy you just don’t understand and don’t have enough experience!
FVNC says
I wasn’t going to comment again but…yikes. If only I’d improved my attitude my PPD/A would have resolved and my kid wouldn’t have needed a couple years of intense therapies so she could talk, have relatively “normal” social interactions, and eat decently! I should have just shaken off those baby blues…thank goodness for the reminder to just adjust my attitude!
Anonymous says
Oh dear, OP. I don’t think there are too many parents out there in the world who need a lesson from a mom of a healthy infant about rewarding things being challenging and struggles and challenges not being equated with bad.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt with your original post, but this follow-up is insufferable. If you want to pat yourself on the back for being the Most Positive-Thinking, Happy, Well-Adjusted Mom who’s ever mommed, go right ahead. Excuse yourself from conversations where moms are commiserating about normal stuff. You don’t have to accuse everyone else of just not having the right attitude in order to feel superior.
Aunt Jamesina says
Okay anon at 12:51, I dealt with infertility too and have had a pretty happy adjustment to parenthood, but your comment is just so dismissive. You can be grateful to be a parent and still have a really hard time with it! I know plenty of people who have been through infertility struggles who also had a hard time, so they aren’t mutually exclusive.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I wouldn’t say I’m miserable, but parenting is definitely challenging, and the challenges keep changing. As someone here said, hard doesn’t equal bad, but acknowledging that it’s hard is a good thing for my mental health, and that of many others. I like being able to commiserate with other parents who are in similar stages, or remember my current challenges.
There are many problems that you can’t just throw money at, especially as the kids get older. With an infant, you’re not there yet, but as kids get older, you’ll see. This is not to say “just wait, it gets worse…”, more of a call to be compassionate to others. You can certainly celebrate the joys, but just know that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
GCA says
Cosign all of this. (My kids are 7 and 4 and they have gotten physically easier but emotionally more challenging.) PS – I would recommend reading All Joy and No Fun. I think the author also touches a bit on the gendered aspects of parenting – which are, of course, colored by gendered societal expectations around parenting, particularly motherhood.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Love that book and I think that title about parenting all the time! There are definitely fun moments, but once you’re in the parenting gig for a while (and I am not even that seasoned yet! No preteens/teens), you really get what she’s talking about.
FVNC says
+1. OP, I’m thrilled motherhood is going so well for you and your little one! Still, I agree with BLE that acknowledging what’s hard about parenting is important. I think there’s a difference between discussing serious problems (PPD/A, failure to thrive and hit milestones, etc) which I think NEED to be discussed without judgment or shame, versus the “mommy needs wine” variety of complaints. The latter is something I try very hard to avoid IRL (definitely note on this s ite, haha…sometimes ya just got to vent!). Even with the former, there’s a time and place — like, I would never talk about my PPD/A and trouble bonding with my daughter to a new parent unless they were facing similar issues!
anon says
Well said. I like being a mom, truly. But there are things about my particular situation that can make parenting very challenging, and it sucks to feel like you’re the only person having a hard time or that has a difficult kid. If I’d had my younger kid first, I would probably be very high-and-mighty about my parenting abilities and not find it very hard at all. My older kid, however, keeps me humble. That is simply my truth. TBH, I have drifted from my friends who have shown, repeatedly, that they don’t really understand where I’m coming from. I try very hard to not be overly negative. But I have gotten in the trap of someone asking me how Kid is doing, and I give kind of a bland/lukewarm answer, and in turn I get lots of follow up questions about it, and then I get labeled as the negative or complain-y person. Fine, then, everything is just sunshine and rainbows! He’s perfect, we’re perfect, everything’s perfect.
And I completely agree that you can’t throw money and/or outsource every problem or circumstance, especially as they get older.
Anne-on says
This. My kid had serious food allergies plus the eczema/asthma, a few minor but necessary surgeries with OT/PT and is diagnosed with neurodivergencies. He is a GREAT kid and I adore him but parenting him has been more challenging than a totally healthy neurotypical child. Additionally we have zero local family so ANY breaks we get involve (expensive) paid care. It’s like playing minecraft on creative vs. survival mode – we’re both playing the same game but in VASTLY different circumstances. And he’s a pretty easy kid otherwise and we have the ability to afford health – parents with less money/time/flexibility or with kids with more serious issues are in a totally different game altogether. I find it very validating when I can share strategies/commiserate with other parents in similar situations but try not to ‘overshare’ with new parent friends who just don’t have those same challgenges.
Anon says
My daughter is only a year old, but no, I’m definitely not miserable. Being a parent feels like the greatest thing ever. Various thoughts:
– it could be very kid temperament/phase dependent. My daughter wasn’t colicky, and oh man, I feel for parents of kids who are. That’s hard. I have a suspicion her toddler years are going to make other people feel badly for me though.
– if they’re parents of older kids who’ve been weathering the past couple of years of Covid, ooph, also really, really hard. I think everyone (kids and adults alike) are still just mental messes for very good reasons.
– being a parent is a BIG DEAL on an individual level but unsupported on a societal level and is treated as the norm. I think it’s very hard to know what you’re getting into before you do it.
So Anon says
I second the comment about the pandemic. For those who were thrown into WFH plus learning from home plus quarantine, then to hybrid learning to whatever else came next, many parents of kids who were young elementary at that age are still fried. It feels like it has been tough to catch our breath and we are holding on and hoping that this school year, maybe, brings some sense of normalcy.
Anon says
My kid was only 2 in 2020, but I still feel like I haven’t recovered from the burnout of trying to work without childcare for 6 months. I’m not sure I can recover at this point. It’s almost like a permanent low grade PTSD.
NYCer says
Sample size of one, but I am not remotely miserable. My kids are the light of my life, and I can’t imagine NOT being a mom.
I do complain about them sometimes though! :)
Anon says
Love my son. He’s funny and outgoing and very clever, but it has been a slog since the day he was born. He’s 26 months or so now (let’s just call it 2) and doesn’t stop moving.
I’m physically exhausted most of the time from chasing him even though he sleeps through the night. Every phase has been hard in its own way.
Parenting is wonderful in many ways, but I have a “big” job and am the preferred parent. I go from putting out fires all day at work to solving problems for a clingy toddler all evening. I also struggle with prioritizing things that reenergize me, besides getting a good nights sleep. I’ve dropped most hobbies and socializing which is on me to make space for.
TheElms says
I think there is also the context of the pandemic to remember. If the folks you are talking to have been parenting through the pandemic (especially young kids who couldn’t be vaccinated and require the most physical/ hands on care) it has just been really hard for a very long time.
I think 1 kid versus more than 1 kid can be a big difference maker. I found 1 kid pretty easy because you could still get a break, but with 2 kids (one of whom isn’t sleeping through the night consistently despite sleep training) its a lot more exhausting.
Anon says
totally agree with the other comments about how it’s a weird form of bonding. kind of like if you were in school and taking what is supposed to be a super hard class and you were to come out of an exam and everyone else is saying how hard it was and you say, “oh i thought it was easy,” people would not like you very much. i do also think (and this is no judgment at all to the parents of one) that having more than one is harder. i have twins and whenever i’m just with one, i’m like, oh so this is what it is like to take one baby in/out of the car to run an errand. it feels like a vacation compared to doing it with both.
Liza says
Ha, no. I’m really happy, and I only speak positively about my kids. But I’m also a very high-functioning person and I recognize this. I think our society puts a TON of pressure on moms to do and be everything to everybody, and it does make lots of people miserable if they can’t handle it. And the mom friends I have are pretty positive, too. I’m not sure what may be going on in the circles you’re in or why everyone is so negative, but it’s definitely not everyone.
Liza says
Sorry, I realize this sounds smug, cringe. I somewhat relate what you’re describing to this quote:
“Maybe you think someone doesn’t’ have a lot on their plate compared to you.
But maybe their plate is smaller than yours and doesn’t have a lot of room to begin with.
Or maybe their plate is paper, and their flimsy paper plate can’t hold as much as your sturdy ceramic plate can. – Amanda Lynn Burkhart”
If you’re feeling like, I enjoy parenting, what’s going on with these other people who seem so miserable, their hard may be different from your hard, and I think realizing we are all different and have different capacities and strengths can be reassuring in a way. No one is right or wrong, we’re just all built differently.
Anonymous says
Sorry, but that is even more smug than your original comment. Maybe your plate isn’t really larger and stronger. Maybe you really do have less on it–your kid is a good sleeper, you have a housecleaner and a nanny, your kid doesn’t have special needs, etc.
Tina says
Some people do have the capacity to handle more than others. My mom is one of those people, and does think “oh why cant they deal with it since Ican”. The thing is, neither way is bad or wrong – people are just wired differently.
Anonymous says
Not disputing that people’s capacities vary, but LIZA is just awfully smug about her superior hardiness and abilities.
startup lawyer says
OP, the replies to Liza are why people only share negatives lol
AwayEmily says
I did not read this as smug at all, I think it’s an excellent point! I have talked a lot about this with one of my best friends who has kids the same age as mine. We are similar in a lot of ways, but she was raised by controlling, shaming parents and I was not. This means that parenting in the way she wants to is just HARDER for her than it is for me. It’s not because I am some kind of amazing person, it’s because she had shitty circumstances that she has worked really hard to overcome, and those circumstances get in her way a lot.
Liza says
Oh for sure, 100%. I am fortunate in so many ways. That to me goes to “plate load.” My plate load is manageable for me, might break someone else’s plate, and would occupy maybe a tiny corner of a third person’s plate! And the load can suddenly get a lot heavier, like when a natural disaster destroyed our home a few years back.
But I do agree with OP that bad or hard stuff happening doesn’t have to = misery or regretting having kids or thinking “parenting is hard” in general. I would no more say “parenting is hard,” than “life is hard.” Life is life.
Hmm says
I also think different stages of parenting work better for certain personality types. So someone who struggles with babies might do better when their kids or older, and someone who thrives with little kids might really struggle with teenagers.
I don’t think it’s a strength of your plate thing necessarily but it could certainly be personality based.
anon says
Agree. My mom is WONDERFUL with little kids. She was not nearly as equipped to be a parent of teens. My dad, on the other hand, is the complete opposite.
Anonymous says
Ooh yes this. My MIL adores babies and toddlers, but struggles to relate my 5 year old and all his older cousins. I vastly prefer the 4 and over set. Well I guess we don’t have preteens but 4-8 year olds seem delightful to me. Both preferences are ok and of course my MIL loves all her grandkids. We’re just wired differently.
Anon says
I didn’t read this as smug at all. Please don’t feel like you have to justify or quality your genuine experience and perceptions! It’s good to be aware of your strengths and limitations – it’s definitely something I think about when deciding about number of kids, for one.
Anonymous says
The issue isn’t that she says she is enjoying parenthood, it’s that she claims she is enjoying it because she is better than everyone who is having a harder time of it without acknowledging that circumstances vary. It’s a variant on the POOPCUP attitude.
Liza says
I mean of course circumstances vary, but so do people. Two people in the same circumstances may perceive or react differently.
Anon says
My observation of one has been that this dies off as the kids get older. Mine are now in elementary school, which I know is a lifetime away for you OP, but people really don’t sit around complaining about their kid experience in general, and in my world haven’t for years. Sometimes specific challenges for sure, but not the general life complaining common among baby parents. I think it is really a baby/early toddler thing because of the huge life change and difficulty of those years for many.
I also have found that like most things you will find your people. As a new parent, opportunities to find new mom friends will present themselves in various ways at various times, and I generally leaned out of pursuing relationships with those that I really just didn’t relate to on a parenting level at all. That is perfectly okay, especially if the negativity is starting to affect your psyche.
Liza says
The point that the newness of how hard parenting is causes people to really talk about it a lot is a good one.
Aunt Jamesina says
I have an eight month old, and aside from a few daycare illnesses and some sleep deprivation have been very, very fortunate to have had an easy time with being a parent. Most of it is because of circumstances, and I think a tiny sliver is because I expected to deal with every worst case scenario possible after reading too much about all the ways things can be hard with being a parent.
I have a close friend who has had a hard time, and when she vents I know that a large part of it is genuine difficulty with the adjustment and a little bit of wanting to bond over a uniquely challenging period. I never breathe a word to friends about how easy I’ve had it because I know that’s not the case for so many, I just try to be supportive. I know from experience in other life situations how it can sting to hear about how easy something is for others when it’s hard for you. I also assume that we’ll have other periods that we find challenging over the years, even if the infant period is easier for us.
Boston Legal Eagle says
It’s hard to know when to talk about your relative ease with some parts – like, I didn’t have much morning sickness, but do I say that when people talk about the awful first three months? I know a lot of women have a terrible time, but at the same time, it might be helpful for those who just found out that they’re pregnant that experiences can really vary here. This is all just luck though. Same with babies sleeping through the night early, feeding, etc. When they get older, their challenges are more individualized and less “all toddlers are irrational” so that’s tricky too.
Anon says
I think as long as you make it clear you’re not taking credit for your kid being a good sleeper or a good eater, it’s not smug to say they’re easy in those areas. What gets me is people who say to me about my picky eater things like “You should have done XYZ, we did that and that’s why Susie is such an adventurous eater.” No. My kid is picky because she’s genetically programmed to be picky. Stop acting like you deserve credit for your kid not being picky.
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m not so sure it’s enough to just not take credit sometimes. My friend who’s having a hard time also had her first daycare drop off this morning and texted last night asking how I coped the first week. The truth is I was ready (and even excited) to go back to work and had zero qualms about sending my kid to daycare. I feel like if I shared that, it would make my friend feel more alone. So I instead focused on general “it gets better” comments.
Anon says
Yeah I meant more if someone asks “is your kid a picky eater?” It’s fine to say no, as long as you don’t try to give yourself credit for it. If someone’s venting about their own problems you shouldn’t chime in with how easy your kid was.
Anonymous says
We adopted our first and from day 1 he was just an easy baby. Then we adopted twins and hoo boy… they are hard. Am I miserable? Not exactly, but I’m certainly not living my best life ATM. That being said, I always love hearing from my friends about sweet things their kids are doing or just positivity in general. I appreciate when my close friends acknowledge that being a parent is really hard, but I agree that hearing constant or adamant complaining from acquaintances is hard for me.
Anonymous says
You can’t throw money at the stress of being responsible for another humans health safety and happiness. I’m glad you’re having a good time of things right now! Enjoy it.
Pogo says
I think it’s like Yelp reviews. People typically only write them when they had a bad experience. My local moms facebook group is just constant complaints, including about how terrible their husbands are.
I’m not miserable. Exhausted, currently, yes, because the 5yo was up coughing for two hours and insisted on being in our bed. A bit stressed, yes, because I had to reschedule a meeting and juggle a presentation to management with said sick kiddo at home. But not miserable. I’m feeling very grateful today in fact that I have such a flexible job and supportive partner who ran to the pharmacy while I was giving that presentation.
Anon says
Not the point, but I feel the opposite about Yelp and TripAdvisor reviews. Every hotel on TripAdvisor seems to have 4.5 stars even some ones I’ve had very bad experiences at! I feel like people are happy (and drunk) on vacation and give the hotels and restaurants the benefit of the doubt haha.
Anon says
I avoided moms groups when my kids were infants for this reason, it just made me more anxious and didn’t feel like a way to build friendships for me. As others have said, for a lot of people it’s a default “safe” way to communicate when you don’t know anything about the other person and don’t want to seem like you’re bragging. One idea is to try to redirect the conversation to other topics like what are you thinking about for a Halloween costume or what’s your favorite trash TV lately or do you have any trips you’re looking forward to? But I’ve also noticed as the kids get older and parents hopefully get more confident this dynamic shifts. You’ll find your people. And enjoy that baby!
anonymoushippopotamus says
You may find commiseration a turn off, but I actually really appreciate it when people are honest about how hard and emotionally challenging motherhood can be, because it makes me feel less alone and that there isn’t something inherently wrong with me for struggling. I think parenting can be hard because you can try to exert influence, but you can’t control your child, whether it’s sleep, or what they eat, or how they behave with other kids, or whether or not they like school. As a mom, I find it hard to be the emotional landing pad for everyone in my family (husband included), at all times of day and night. I often feel like everyone is always demanding something of me, or that someone is one step away from getting hurt (I have a toddler). I do try to lean into the moments of joy to balance out the exhaustion. Watching my daughter hop up and down with excitement and kissing my son’s cheeks do light up my day, but for me, the struggle is real, and I think it’s okay to be honest with people you trust.
govtattymom says
I am so happy that you are having a positive experience. It’s awesome that you are cherishing it. But I wouldn’t judge the people who are complaining. A lot of moms have been through hell and back the past few years. Some of us are immunocompromised/ virtually unable to leave the house, some lost relatives to Covid, some lost their jobs, some have PPA/PPD, and some are are just reeling from the months that they barely slept so that they could work full time while taking care of small children full time. Life has been tough- many of us are still struggling.
Anon says
Immunocompromised reader here – there are more treatments and options available in the pandemic for us now so the vast majority of people don’t have to stay locked down. Evusheld is the best known. We sure did go through a lot (and continue to), but it’s a lot better than it was in 2020.
Anon says
This is a bit smug. Some of us have conditions that mean we’re still high risk even with all the treatments and options currently available. Some of us are not part of the “vast majority” of people and are more locked down that ever before because no one’s masking anymore, making the hardest part of the pandemic so far.
Anon says
How is it smug? I myself am immunocompromised (and not the “teehee, I get colds a lot” kind). I am more locked down than 99% of the people I know. It is a factual statement that the situation is a lot better than it was in 2020.
Anon says
I’m saying that the situation is better for some people and worse for others.
I’m more locked down than in 2020 because fewer people are masking in public (including at pharmacies and doctor’s offices), and my risk factors haven’t changed much since then.
Anon says
Not to be all “it gets worse, just you wait” because that’s not what I’m trying to say, but I felt exactly like you did at this age. I had a relatively easy baby (great sleeper at night, so we avoided the main thing that makes infants hard) and found 0-18 months just a breeze, honestly. I don’t know that I was a POOPCUP because I was aware it was luck and not my doing, but I was definitely pretty smug about how little our lives had been disrupted by our new arrival. But toddlerhood and especially preschool age really threw me for a loop. There’s a reason POOPCUP stands for “parent of one perfect child *under preschool age*” because age 3 is just so emotionally and physically exhausting. My kid is almost 5 now and while she’s so much fun and I love talking to her and her independence allows us to do lots of things that would have been much more daunting when she was an infant (travel alone together! day trips to museums! outings to restaurants!), daily life is both physically and emotionally far more draining for me than her infancy was. I agree that everyone reacts different to do different parenting stages, and for me babies were easy. You don’t have to discipline them, you don’t have to worry about how their behavior is affecting other people, you don’t have to help them work through big feelings. You just have to feed them and change them and hold them when they cry. I didn’t even feel guilty about not being able to stop the crying, because I knew that just by holding my baby I was providing her all the comfort she needed (I read that in some parenting book and took it to heart, lol). It’s a fairly robotic process that some people find boring, but I didn’t mind and for me at least it drained zero mental energy. Babies also sleep a ton, so even if you spend all day involved in very hands on care, you have hours to yourself every night. Older kids are so much more draining, and sleep a lot less so you don’t have the same kind of recovery time, especially if you’re high sleep needs yourself (my daughter now needs less sleep at night than I do!). You worry constantly about making your kid feel loved and supported, but also making sure they treat other people with respect. And the norms of acceptable behavior are always changing. Behavior that is cute at 2 or 3 is unacceptable at 5 or 6, so you’re constantly having to work to make sure your kid meets the socially acceptable norms of their age. There is a lot of joy in this age, but for me it also feels like a ton more work than caring for an infant.
Anon says
My first was not an easy baby but my second was. It really makes a difference. I love being a mom in both cases, though.
Anon says
I don’t have kids yet (thinking about TTC, hence the lurking here), but I was scared off for years by how terrible everyone was making motherhood sound. I have been told dozens of times that I’ll never have a moment to myself again, that I can forget about hobbies, that it’s all joy and no fun, you name it. It’s only recently that I’ve heard a few moms push back (online and among real-life friends) and admit that they’re enjoying motherhood and that the reality was WAY better than it had been made out to be. I was also negatively influenced by my best friend, who is a wonderful mother but who unfortunately has a terrible manbaby of a husband. She’s my closest friend and seeing the motherhood struggles that are almost entirely due to her awful husband made me think parenting itself was terrible.
I’m rambling now, but long story short, I love hearing about mothers who love parenting. It makes me feel like I can do it too.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Having a supportive, involved spouse makes a huuuuge difference. When you end up parenting everyone in the house, including your spouse, that’s a recipe for unhappiness.
Aunt Jamesina says
I had a really hard time pulling the trigger for awhile because of this, and I have loved being a parent. There’s a reason so many people decide to have another after their first. If it were all bad we’d see far more one and done families!
Anon says
I don’t know. A lot of people I know who struggled the most with parenthood had a second very soon after the first. There are a LOT of factors that go into family planning, and many people who were raised with siblings feel that a sibling is necessary for a happy childhood, so they have a second out of a kind of obligation to their first. My best friend said as much to me, that she didn’t really want a second, at least not so soon, but she felt she owed to her first child, and she felt she had to do it soon for fertility raises. Many people also worry about siblings not being close in adulthood if there’s a large gap. Anecdotally, the happiest parents I know are one and done or had their second when the first was 4+.
But I fully admit I’m coming at this with my own biases. I’m one and done and am probably overly sensitive to any implication that one and done parents don’t really enjoy being parents. I really really love being a mom to my one, I just know my own limits and don’t think I’d be as happy with two.
Liza says
You can do it, oh my goodness. Billions of women have done it. You’ll have moments to yourself, especially if you work. For the counterpoint of women who have kids and full lives besides, consider listening to Best of Both Worlds podcast or reading Laura Vanderkam’s work. She has 5 kids and a full time career and speaks on “how she does it.” And she has a positive and humorous attitude about parenting – and a ton of privilege, for sure, but some people do including maybe you.
Anonymous says
Laura Vanderkam is the epitome of privilege and toxic positivity.
Liza says
What’s the difference between toxic positivity and just… positivity?
anon says
She is so dismissive of anyone who doesn’t live like she does. Never mind that most working parents do not have her immense privilege and resources. That’s where the toxic part comes in.
I find SHU much more relatable, at least on her blog. I stopped listening the the podcast because I couldn’t stand Laura!
Anon says
I agree. I don’t find most of the comments in this thread smug, but I find L VdK very smug.
Anonymous says
I’ve read a lot of her work and I find a lot of what she has to say really helpful and true — but she does have a smug approach and completely unexamined privileges. She regularly repeats “if you have a big job you are making enough money for X, Y, and Z” but the truth is that some of us (government, non-profit) have Very Big Jobs and make good money but not enough to have the kind of domestic help that she employs. I can’t even imagine how huge her childcare bill is, but I guarantee you that it’s more than my Big Job in Government salary. And like good for her! She can afford it. But implying that other people can as well is… tone deaf at best.
Anon says
I’m not miserable or resentful. Maybe I should be. I work in BigLaw. I have a very spirited 5YO who is just starting Kindergarten and hasn’t slept through the night more than 2 nights in a row in her entire life. I have a chronic autoimmune disease which both makes it harder to do all the things and stresses me out because I am on immunosuppressants in this pandemic world we live in. My SAHD husband is recovering from a serious car accident and is more dependent than helpful at this point. I am still recovering myself nearly a year later. Secondary infertility means we might be one and done.
But, you know, life is hard. And we can do hard things. And there is value in many things that are hard. We live in a house we love, I don’t worry about bills and we have food on the table each night (often from a restaurant or delivery or freezer) and love each other. And while my child has her moments (herded her sobbing out of a restaurant for dinner last night because she didn’t like this macaroni and cheese and was never going to eat again and why did we pick a restaurant with such bad food; 3 hour standoffs over asking her to do something simple like get in the bathtub or pick up her toys are not uncommon), I still have a lot of joy, wonder and amazement for the life I have created and get to guide and nurture and that spirited personality is going to lead her to change the world. And that feeling when she wraps her arms around me for “mama snuggles” really does make my heart feel like it explodes.
Parenting is hard. Being a mother is hard. Being a working mother has its own special breed of challenges. Having a spirited kid is just an extra level. And for a lot of moms, they don’t have the resources or support to say the quiet part out loud, that this is hard. And I think you should also listen to see if hard means miserable. Because I expect a lot of moms are complaining about the hard, now that you’re in the secret club where we can talk about the quiet part, but I expect a lot fewer of them are saying that they are miserable. For me, it’s both hard and happy.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I love all of this, especially “For me, it’s both hard and happy.” I bet a lot of the moms you hear complaining about the kids will also say that these kids and parenting have enhanced their lives and given them meaning more than anything else. It’s hard to describe that part.
Anon says
+1. Love your last paragraph.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
This is one of the posts I’ll come back to time and time again in memory (there have been quite a few over the years) when I need a good boost and/or way to frame my reality. “Hard and happy”, indeed. Thank you.
Also, my 4.5 year old is at the onset of some type of bug, waking up super cranky, and was giving me the similar business this morning while I was trying to get ready for work. Solidarity.
Spirograph says
I’m not miserable, but parenthood *is* challenging. Based on your wording, it sounds like these people had unrealistic expectations about the amount of work and frustration that can be involved with raising children. Or they thought they might be immune to it because of the advantages you mentioned, and then had a rude awakening that money and extra hands don’t solve everything. Or they have other big stressors in their life, but the challenges of parenthood are the most socially acceptable ones to talk about and they have to vent somehow.
But to answer your other question: yes, you are too new to this to understand. Most infants are way easier than most of what comes afterward! That doesn’t mean parenthood isn’t fun, rewarding, amazing, and all the other good stuff, it just means it’s also hard sometimes. Don’t borrow trouble, though. If your child is perfect and amazing and you love your life, just enjoy loving life and take tomorrow as it comes.
Anon says
I have an almost 1 year old. The experience of motherhood, itself, has been literal joy. The love that I feel for her honestly makes my heart feel like it will explode out of my chest. That said, I also work full time as a lawyer at a law firm, and the balance of parenting and working has been nearly impossible. The past 6 months have been so hard between the sick days, trying to hit my billables while also seeing my kid while she’s awake, prepping her meals, rotating out her clothes, keeping on top of her milestones, etc.. Every week feels like a marathon and I’m exhausted 100% of the time. I have a supportive husband who carries a good share of the burden, but it’s hard. I want to talk with friends about because it’s so hard, possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not miserable “being her mother,” but the experience of parenting and working in the US feels like the deck is stacked against me.
An.On. says
This is exactly how I feel about it. I had an easy pregnancy and birth, and my kid is a delight, but I hate the position that being a mother has put me in at the office and in my own household. Is it all bad all the time? Of course not. But it does feel like an uphill battle against a system that isn’t supportive. I like my job and I don’t want to be a SAHM, but I absolutely have no idea how most people, who don’t have all the advantages that I have of money and family help, manage.
Anonymous says
Bless your heart.
Anonymous says
I think it’s also a bit relative. Given that you adopted I assume that you had a somewhat difficult path to getting the child.
My wife and I took more than 5 years of intense fertility treatments and a lot of sadness and loss to get our first child. While parts of parenting are difficult for sure, nothing is as terrible as the worst parts of infertility. This is an absolute joy compared to what we went through.
For parents that had easy conceptions, those other hard parts of parenting may actually be the worst thing they’ve been through…
Anon says
I think there’s an element of needing to understand that other people aren’t having better experiences AT you. This is something that I had to learn (not related to parenting) when I was struggling with some health issues. I found myself resenting friends who were able to do things I wanted to do, completely carefree and “not even appreciating it,” and it took a lot of work to change my mindset and understand that luck, lifestyle, choices, and other factors all mix together to create different lives and struggles for each of us. They weren’t having fun AT me and I realized I didn’t want to always be the downer coming back with “well just imagine having a chronic disease” or “you realize not everyone can do that, right?” or “just wait, it’ll get worse if you ___”. It’s really hard still and takes a lot of work to be happy for my friends, but I’m glad I started trying because it made me happier too, even as my own struggles have continued.
EDAnon says
I think the earlier posters were correct that some people bond via complaining. You are not one of those people. I am also not one of those people and I have people who don’t like me because I struggle to bond in that way (including my one of sisters) and I don’t like them much either. Not everyone is the right person for every situation. I don’t think that the fact that it is easier for you to bond over the shared joys of parenting mean that you’re better than anyone else. People are just different and you have to find the right ones for you.
My kids aren’t old but they are 6 and 4, so I am not brand new to this. I finds tons of joy in parenting and love talking about it. I am also happy to ask for and give advice when things are hard. I don’t enjoy complaining (myself or from other people), so I found parent friends who align better for me and to whom I can be a better friend.
anon says
Ok, apparently everyone else is too nice to say this, so I will. This is definitely the dumbest comment I’ve read here in a long time. Of course not EVERYONE is miserable. They are complaining. Just like you complain about traffic and pointless meetings and politicians. Are there some people who maybe are miserable and regret having children? Sure. If you complain that your kid woke you up at 4:50am and woke up the other kid and neither would go back to sleep and your partner is out of town and you have an intense meeting that day and your oldest is on day 8 of not eating her lunch at school for god knows what reason and your youngest insists on you carrying his 35 lb body the whole walk 10 min walk to his daycare despite the fact that you’ve told him that hurts mommy’s back a million times and when you finally get to work some jerk has sent you a jerky email that makes you want to scream–that’s not being miserable, that’s being a bit overwhelmed or frustrated at regular life stuff that as adults we all learn to deal with as gracefully and positively as possible, but hey, sometimes our grace and positivity runs out and we just want to tell our mom friend about how annoying our 4:50am wake up call was. I feel sorry for your friends, they probably assume that you understand this, not that you are secretly judging them. I love my kids and my life and my partner and sometimes my job and I feel so incredibly lucky to have all of it. But yeah, I complain about stuff sometimes because . . . I am a normal person with feelings, I guess? Sorry to have ruined your idealized picture of motherhood.
Anonymous says
ha! spot on.
anon says
Also, the daycare kid makes me sing Pop Goes the Weasel to him while I carry him, complete with a little jump at the Pop! part. Get back to me when your infant makes you do that and tell me how happy you are. (Yes, kidding obviously)
GCA says
Oh my gosh, 75% of parenting my 4yo is mediated by the right playlist. Child demands a soundtrack for daycare drop-off. A soundtrack for shower-time. A soundtrack for the post-dinner dance party and cleanup. Sometimes the playlist is showtunes: the Paw Patrol theme, the Daniel Tiger songs, the Sing 2 soundtrack… sometimes it is me singing nursery rhymes badly on purpose, like some kind of comedy act.
Spirograph says
lol, I was so sick of Wheels on the Bus (complete with little jumps for up! and down) for years, and now I kinda miss the days when my kids demanded that I sing bedtime songs every night. That said, my kids’ music taste is incredibly eclectic and a source of endless entertainment to me. My 1st grade son was belting “I came in like a wreeeeeeeaking ballllll” yesterday in the shower and it was everything.
Anon says
Hahaha I love that. My best friend’s 2 year old sings About Damn Time.
anon says
THANK YOU. This, exactly.
It’s like moms aren’t allowed to be real people, even with other moms.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Being vulnerable with others and sharing my struggles has actually made me happier, and I was able to get through therapy and medication, and away from my perfectionist tendency to portray everything as fine/great. Building a community of moms and parents is so important, and this mutual commiseration is one way to get there.
Anon says
Yup I agree.
GCA says
Bingo. This exactly.
anon says
Also, hate to break it to you, but your infant is not perfect. No one is. Except you, I guess?
anonM says
I keep thinking about this and how I wanted to respond. I think moms used to really be expected to just grin and bear it, with it meaning 99% of all childrearing tasks. Now, it has shifted and sometimes does go too far with lots of complaining/negativity/comparison that can take the fun and joy out of parenting. That said, though, I’d really encourage you to first and foremost exercise some compassion. My friends who have really struggled in motherhood have done so with good reason and no easy solutions — covid, loss of their parent/support system, special needs children, extreme sleep challenges, medical challenges, problems with spouses, financial challenges, etc. If you don’t have those challenges, really focus on your own gratitude and try not to be terrified that this in your future. Two of my very good friends lost their moms before having their first child, and it has made their motherhood journey very different than it otherwise would have been, and there is just no getting around that with positive thinking. I didn’t realize until I had my second kid just how badly my delivery affected my newborn experience with #1 (I felt miserable because I lost so much blood, had to get transfusions, my milk didn’t come in for awhile, etc.) and if someone acted like I was just not being positive/grateful enough it would have realllyyyyy crushed me and I wouldn’t want to be that person’s friend anymore tbh. If you do have some close mom friends you feel like have gotten into a rut of complaining, that’s a little different. DH had this issue with his two bffs getting into a weird rut where they just wanted to complain about their (kind, fun) wives, and ickkk. So he made a concerted effort with them to start meeting up for more active and outdoor pursuits, limiting drinking, etc. It’s helped. I also love on here when people occasionally ask everyone for cute kid stories of the day — maybe try texting that with your close mom friends to kid of spotlight the good things. But the main point here of feeling like others are just whining, unless you know more of their full picture I’d be grateful for what you have, enjoy your happy bubble and cherish it, and try to show empathy to others.
anon says
Hear, hear. I have to admit that I REALLY bristle at the suggestion to just be more positive. It is so dismissive of people’s real struggles and burdens. I’ll admit this is a childhood wound of mine, that is sometimes easily poked. Like, no, I’m not going to pretend it’s sunshine and rainbows all the time.
Also, feeling frustrated DOES NOT MEAN someone isn’t grateful for the life they have. It does not mean they do not cherish their children. It does not mean they regret being a mom. My gosh. Have some freaking compassion for others who aren’t wired like you are, who don’t have your particular children, who have struggles you may know nothing about.
Anon says
THIS!! This times one million.
Aunt Jamesina says
Amen
Anon says
does anyone have a kitchen table that they like. ideally a rectangular one, or ideas of places to look? we moved into our house about a year ago and have been searching for one to replace the ikea table i bought 15+ years ago when i graduated from college and moved into my first apartment (this table has served me well – it survived 4+ moves to multiple states, but it is time for somethign new). and we are finding it really hard to find anything the right size – the tables are either too small for our space or too big/formal. we have two young kids and i want something durable that doesn’t scratch easily and can withstand every day use..
TheElms says
We bought another Ikea table in a similar circumstance. We have this one in black and its holding up well to my 3 year old and baby.
https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/ingatorp-extendable-table-black-90222407/
AwayEmily says
We got a bed from Vermont Wood Studios and it was not cheap but it is probably the best-quality piece of furniture we own. When our kitchen table finally kicks the bucket I’m going to order from there — there are lots of customization options. Also, the person who delivered it also came inside and assembled it, which was fantastic.
Anonymous says
I am in the market for a kitchen table and have been eyeing some from Room & Board and Article. I have the same issue with durability and am thinking oak may hold up better than the pine one we have now.
CCLA says
We really like our room and board table (and generally have loved everything we have from that store). We got a natural chestnut one so scratches, etc just blend in with the overall aesthetic. You can customize most things there for the size of your space. Highly recommend.
Anonymous says
I was sofa shopping at Room and Board over the weekend and their wood furniture is really gorgeous! (And priced accordingly). Solid wood can always be refinished if it gets really damaged too.
OP, we got a vintage mid-century wood table with leaves that had been refinished, so it is sealed with polyurethane (e.g. fairly waterproof). Eventually we will probably need to sand the top and put on another coat of poly but it is holding up well and we love it. It is circular without the leaves, and an oval with one or more in it. We have a small space–NYC apartment–and the rounded sides feel like they give us more space.
Anonymous says
I still buy a decent amount from Ikea. My upgrade when kids are through the elementary years and not as rough on things. Ikea MDF stuff is college furniture but they have an increasing amount of solid wood furniture that is generally more responsibly sourced than old growth live edge table garbage that you see in so many places.
OP says
i looked at the ikea ones, none are the right dimensions
TheElms says
What size do you need?
Anon says
like 72ish. there is one ikea one that is 70 inches that could maybe work, but i don’t love it.
Anonymous says
I think Rejuvenation makes nice furniture for things like this. I don’t have a dining table of theirs, but I do have a wooden bench and some others things. The quality is good.
Anon says
Can you buy one from the Amish? They make tons of custom furniture and have great options. Much better quality than big name furniture stores.
Ashley says
I have tables from Bassett furniture and love them so much.
Mary Moo Cow says
I bought a table from Pottery Barn last summer, and I’ve been happy with it, but a caution: it was advertised as 72 inches, but is actually about just shy of 70 inches. Not a huge difference, but when we’ve squeezed 6 people around it, that extra 3 inches would be appreciated. If possible, go view the tables and take a measuring tape.
Anonymous says
Check your local estate sales and consignment shops. I scored a simple danish MCM-style (?) table from an estate sale. It has two built-in leafs (leaves?) that slide out from underneath the tabletop. Have been very sturdy and withstood two kids thus far (toddler scribbles, elementary art projects). Figured we’ll eventually spring for $$ refinishing.
notice says
DH’s contract requires 5 months notice to terminate, he’s a doctor. He wants contract to terminate in early April, is it silly to give the notice now, which would be like 7.5 months? Or should we wait a few months to give it? Any other tips on how to navigate this? They will not see this coming and he’ll be hard to replace.
Anonymous says
If the contact says 5 months, give 5 months. Why would you give them more time?
Anon says
+1
AnonMD says
It’s totally fine to give the extra notice- medicine’s a whole different world and they’ll respect whatever end date after 5 months he wants to give without any stress of pushing him out sooner.
That being said- given my hospital system I fully intend to hire a lawyer when I give my notice. Things to be mindful of:
– the non-compete clause if you’re not moving
– bonuses, when they get paid out and if they get paid during the notice
– what is being said to patients and when. A colleague of mine resigned and they signed his name to a letter that went out to patients- that he had never read!!!
It’s definitely worth quietly asking around to people who have left the system to see how it went and want to be prepared for. If he hasn’t yet I’d use the extra 1.5 months to do that and get everything lined up before giving notice.
notice says
thank you for this.
anon. says
Yes, this. You need a lawyer in your pocket. My friend is a specialty oncologist and as soon as she gave her notice the hospital surprised her and immediately told her to leave. They didn’t want her taking patients with her. It was fine financially as they continued to pay her, but the entire thing was somewhat surprising.
anonn says
Yeah, but how would a lawyer help to predict that? He’s paid on production so if they quit scheduling him pts that’d be a big hit financially to us, however, that would be a material breach and he’d be able to leave sooner. Though, I could see them doing that too, so maybe it makes sense to give them 5 months notice and not a day more.
anon says
I’m a healthcare lawyer. I would give 5 months and not a day more. If he’s paid on productivity, I think the real risk is that they will schedule all new patients with other doctors, while still scheduling most of his existing patients with him. So his productivity and compensation will decrease without him being able to make a strong case for material breach.
I’d also have a lawyer look over his contract for other provisions–non-compete, patient letter, etc. At least they can know what to expect. Also, if he’s with a hospital or larger employer, a local lawyer may have experience and know exactly what the employer will do.
Anonymous says
Have any of you cleaned a jogging stroller? Ours is moldy (was left in the rain) and has had a ton of kid snacks in it. The seats are rip stop material. Power wash with Dawn or try the carpet shampooer? Tips appreciated.
Pogo says
ooo following.
Bette says
I took the seat cover off my jogging stroller and washed it in the washing machine. It turned out really well.
Thule brand.
OP says
Update: dawn and power washer didn’t do much. I’m letting it dry in the sun and will try vinegar next.
BigLaw Spouse says
For those of you with spouses in BigLaw/BigJob – what percentage of child care and household tasks do you do? And do you have any tips to make your life easier besides outsourcing food and cleaning? My husband’s in BigLaw and I’m probably doing 90%+ of the child care (when toddler isn’t in daycare) and house stuff, on top of my full-time job. I’m tired and overwhelmed; I had expected an equal partner in all of this. We’ve talked about him looking for a new job, but he seems to want to stay for at least another year or two.
startup lawyer says
I am in Biglaw and my husband does probably 70% during the week (like I have dinner and breakfast with son and does his bathtime and husband does everything else) and I am pretty 50/50 on weekends (i’m in a practice where I don’t work on weekends for the most part).
anon says
My husband is a biglaw partner, and I have a big job in-house. I don’t have a great solution beyond outsourcing, to be honest – we have a full-time nanny and a twice-weekly housekeeper/laundry person. I do almost all the childcare outside of work hours, and I make dinner for us, but we outsource almost everything else. Beyond that, the best thing I can suggest is to reframe what has to be done from a life tasks/household perspective and focus on the must-haves, not the nice-to-haves.
Also: have you had a really frank discussion with your husband about how you feel about all of this? Did you guys discuss his role as a parent/household member prior to having your child? I knew going in that I would be carrying most of the load, which helped. If you both had unspoken expectations, it’s helpful to talk about that now. If you discusssed this and now he’s not stepping up, you should talk about that too.
NYCer says
I agree with all of this. My husband is in finance, I am part time in big law. He has the bigger job (and a much bigger income), and I knew going in that I would carry more of the load parenting-wise which I think helps.
Anon says
so DH has a big job (finance) and I ended up switching to part-time upon the birth of our twins in part bc i thought i would want more time with the kids and a part time role opened up at my office at the same time. in retrospect, i wonder if I would’ve been happier working full time, and having our nanny for more time bc i hated solo parenting newborn twins and had terrible ppd/ppa. that being said, we basically only had childcare while i was working. are you talking about physical child care or all of the emotional labor that goes on behind it? what kind of stuff are you doing? and what do you want him to do? why does DH want to stay in big law for longer? are you hoping he goes to something more 9-5? when is DH around physically? are you in a 9-5 job? i’m happy to share lots of tips and tricks, but need a little more info.
OP says
Thanks for the responses! My job is 9-5 but stressful (also a lawyer). I’d like him to have a 9-5, or at least have more time at nights and weekends. He generally likes his work and doesn’t know what do do next. On weekdays, he occasionally takes toddler to daycare and puts toddler to sleep. On weekends, he might be able to do something with us or take toddler out for a couple hours. He manages our finances. I do the rest—watching and entertaining kid, meals, cleaning, house and car maintenance. We talk about this a lot but nothing is changing. We want to save up for when he switches jobs, but I think the other posters might be right about needing a part-time nanny / housekeeper.
Anon says
so, my situation is a little different in that my job isn’t that stressful, but we do have two kids. we only bought a house a year ago and I was very nervous to go from living in our apartment where I could go to an online portal to submit a request to have something fixed to home ownership where there is a lot more to do, most of which i had zero interest in doing. DH agreed to manage certain things with the house if we moved, and i will say he has held up his end of the bargain like 80%. there are certain things like taking out the garbage and recycling, checking the mail that are his tasks that i never touch unless he is out of town for work (like right now) but other things i do have to remind him of. we have a nanny so she washes pots/pans during the week and on the weekends, the deal is whoever cooks does not also clean, so DH cleans up. DH handles car maintenance. during the week i always do kid dinner bc they eat at 5pm and lately DH has been making a bigger effort to be home 3 nights a week for teeth brushing and pjs (which starts at 6pm in our house, which makes it a bit hard for him). i understand the idea of saving up for when he switches, but that should not come at the expense of you being miserable in the interim. i also dont know what kind of law your DH practices or what year he is, but (and i have a law degree so i do know about the big law world), but most of my friends in big law do not work all day every day all weekend. maybe sometimes if in the middle of a trial or something, but not all the time. so i think this is a combo of needing to hire more help, and needing to have some serious talks with DH. one of the things I love about my DH is his work ethic and we’ve been together since college, but he is the type who will fill the time with work. now he rarely works on Saturdays and if he does it is after the kids go to bed, and also on sundays will work if needed when the kids are watching tv and after bed. some weekends he works more. i will say that for the first 1.5 years of our twins life it was harder (he started his current job when they were 3 weeks old) bc he was trying to prove himself and then covid hit, which actually forced him to be around more, which made my life easier. it is hard, but i do think you need to set up a better division of responsibility with DH and outsource something. Like there is no reason that when your DH is home on weekends he can’t clean up, or that he can’t take over car maintenance etc. i can understand why during the week maybe you would be doing like 70%, but on weekends it should be 50/50 at a minimum, if not you doing 40 and him doing 60
Anon says
Hi, before we had kids and both worked (DH as a solo lawyer, me in Biglaw) we had a cleaning service. Once we had a kid we upped it to every two weeks. Once kid started crawling, it was weekly. Once kid hit school we added laundry. Find a car dealership that will pick-up and drop off your car if possible. Outsource as much house maintenance as you can (e.g., We could hang a curtain rod, but we do not want to spend the time, so we are getting a handyman to come by and tackle that, and we have an excellent yard guy). I will say that DH is now a SAHD, and he does probably 95% of the work-week childcare and 50% on weekends. I pack lunches for kid during the week and usually do bath and bed time subject to late evening calls, but other than that DH is on deck. A two-parent working household is not compatible with Biglaw unless the other parent’s job is part time or they are outsourcing a significant amount of house and child work (e.g., part-time nanny on top of daycare or extended hours or regular sitter plus all the above).
Anonymous says
I am in Big Law and I’d say my husband and I split things very evenly. We tag team the mornings and he does drop off and I do pickup and start kid dinner and then we tag team bath and he does bedtime then he cooks/cleans up dinner while I keep working. I do most of the household purchasing/scheduling, laundry, grocery orders, that kind of thing. He does a lot of execution and all the dishes, etc. This works well for us. I think I have a good Big Law situation and I’m more senior but just an associate and my husband is also a lawyer.
anon says
I would love to hear from your husband to see if he agrees with your assessment.
Anon says
Why wouldn’t he? She said they split things evenly, so she’s doing a heck of a lot more than the Big Law dads on this thread.
Anon says
i would say the fact that they tag team mornings and she does pickup every day and starts kid dinner, is a pretty decent amount of consistent hands on childcare for someone with a big law job/schedule.
Anonymous says
This made me lol – I guess I should ask him! Many days we get completely through dinner and cleanup before my husband gets home. When he does bedtime, I pack the daycare bag, prep lunch, etc. and I read the books while he does the humidifier. We are like an assembly line I think. I don’t think I was that detailed in my summary. There’s a lot of ebbs and flows, sometimes my husband has early court and I do dropoffs, maybe 20% of the time. Sometimes he works weekends to do trial prep and obv I do everything those weekends. We have a house cleaner who I manage and lawn care that he manages. I do all the finances and investing. We are also expecting a second so I’m sure this will all go up in fire. Also I purposely tried to shift certain tasks to him since doing all the research for childcare, new kids clothes, next car seat, you name it etc takes a lot of time that wasn’t visible or appreciated. But I think he would say he’s happy with things?
Anonymous says
It doesn’t surprise me one bit that a Big Law mother would do a ton of childcare and household work while a Big Law father would get a near total pass.
Anon says
Sadly I agree. The responses here are disappointing but not surprising.
Anon says
When we were doing this with parent in BigLaw, a spouse with a full time job and a toddler we didn’t hire enough help. It was so so hard. Everyone was stressed and miserable. Looking back I wished we’d paid for more support.
Daycare isn’t enough outsourcing. Consider adding on an au pair or nanny/housekeeper to pick up more slack. Someone to get the kid from daycare, start dinner, help with kid laundry, and cover sick days.
Anon says
Hi fellow big law spouse! I’ve posted before – I have my own big job but I don’t have billables (think: leadership position at a very large municipal entity) so I can log back on to finish work in the evenings and leave the office at a decent time. I would say I do about 70% of child-related care during the week, and more like 80% when DH is travelling. That means getting them ready/breakfast in the AM (DH does drop-off to preschool), pickup-dinner-bath, and DH gets home in time sometimes to tuck them in/say goodnight. Weekends is more of an even split/together time, unless DH is working.
We have local family that is able to help, and one grandparent in-house, so I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t help immensely. If your DH is staying put for a while, which it sounds like, I think you should look at all of the things you do and figure out your baseline – what else can you downshift or outsource? For example, you said you’re outsourcing food – is that meal delivery, grocery delivery, and what is the baseline of “fine” for you? For me, I am fine with throwing $ to get groceries delivered as long as we had simple, homecooked meals on repeat.
Also, know that it IS overwhelming. BigLaw by design is for someone who has a spouse that is a SAHP (and hires help on top of that – so again, the outsourcing is a big part of it…). Make sure you use the time DH is working and toddler is asleep to invest in your own self-care – extra comfy robes while binging TV in bed/reading, etc.
Anon says
I too had expected an equal partner. But reality is that my DH is a busy surgeon is a busy private practice with a crazy call schedule and weekend schedule. I am an appellate attorney working at a unicorn job that affords a lot of flexibility, so I work part time, outsource, and do most of the household/family care—maybe 90%. I hope this is a temporary stage of life.
Here is what DH does: manage investment accounts (minimal work tbh), post dinner cleanup, trash/recycling, killing bugs. Because he works a lot of weekends (like full day Saturdays plus the unfortunate emergency operations on Sunday), I am often solo parenting on weekends. Toddler is in full time care so I can manage everything else.
We outsourced laundry for a time and it was GREAT. Just make sure to have enough clothes that you don’t run out if you only have them once a week (we had a pickup drop off service).
We are still overwhelmed and trying to figure it out. We don’t outsource a ton of our cooking because we are particular about food. Although weekends I try not to cook (takeout).
anonn says
killing bugs, lol.
OP says
Ha I like that you included bug killing in his duties. Yes, here’s hoping it’s temporary! Based on the thread above, maybe this baby/toddler phase isn’t my strength. Good luck and please post if you discover tips or tricks :)
Anonymous says
In BigLaw and I am the bug killer
Alanna of Trebond says
I am a biglaw partner. There are times when my husband does 100% of the child care and house stuff. We have a nanny, a chef and a weekly house cleaner. When I am less busy, I probably do about 30-40% of that stuff. I try not to work weekends outside of naptime/after our one child goes to sleep. (I have a 2.5 year old).
Anon says
I read somewhere that marriage is not 50/50, but each partner giving 100%.
Do you feel like you are both getting equal amounts of downtime/leisure/“me” time? I don’t have a problem taking care of most of the unpaid labor if I am getting as much time for myself as my partner.
Liza says
My husband was in BigLaw and I was definitely the default parent. I did all daycare pickups; he sometimes did dropoff if we were leaving at the same time in the morning. But we have always had a house cleaning service, once every 2 weeks. For awhile we ordered prepackaged meals, but it ended up being way more expensive than it was worth so we stopped. We do grocery delivery (I always put in the order). I do all the meal planning and cooking.
Rather than him quit, unless he WANTS to, consider getting a nanny or au pair in addition to daycare? Big jobs mean big ability to pay for help.
Anon4this says
Regular poster, anon for this. Husband is a partner in big law, I’m counsel in big law. Both currently full time. 2 kids – preschooler and baby. We have lots of outsourced help – nanny, cleaning, laundry, yard, dog walker, meal delivery. It is just crazy all around though and we both get resentful at times. We’ve lowered our standards a lot about what is acceptable. We each take a kid for the morning /evening routine (unless someone is travelling and then I try to get additional help). I cook dinner about half the time and we do meal delivery the other half. Usually I clean up dinner/ toys but sometimes DH does it. DH is more active playing with the kids on the weekends and I am more the default parent for sick days, school stuff, clothing, organizing, etc. Overall I’d say its about a 30-70 split my husband would say 40-60 with me doing more. We fit our work in by working long hours at night when the kids are asleep. Its likely not sustainable for us like this so we are trying to figure out if one of us should find a new job (we both like our jobs), someone should go part time (seems unlikely that we would actually work that much less) or whether we hire a second nanny or housekeeper or something else to try and do more of the default parent / house stuff I do.
anonM says
I know this is very random and you aren’t asking for advice, but I hate working at night and going to a “part time” schedule that is more like 35-45 hours instead of 45-55 a week and way less night/weekend/cramming has helped me so much and we are all happier. So it may only be a difference of 10 hours a week but when I worked those hours makes a huge difference. Giving up 2 hours on a Sunday feels like more than just 2 hours to me, and not feeling like one sick day will put me over the edge work-wise is so much better. Just my internet 2 cents.
Anon says
DH has big tech job, I am in house with normal workload, 2 small kids. We have a nanny to do school pickups and make dinner every day. We split drop offs. I am in charge of 95% of every day things (groceries, laundry, dishes/laundry when nanny doesn’t get to it, bathtime and bed time snuggles, doc appts). He does home maintenance, taxes, investments, cleaning up the toys every night. I try to look at this as we’re working the same number of hours (at work or home) and have equal free time.
I don’t mind this most of the time, but on days I’m overwhelmed I start questioning the division of labor.. DH makes a lot of money and his solution to most things is let’s outsource and spend our limited time doing things we want to do.
Lunch tips says
I need to send lunch and two snacks for my 5 year old, and it’s taking too much time and brain power right now. What are your best suggestions for options that are quick or can be prepped for a few days at one time? I have noticed she’s been more constipated lately so trying to focus on fiber and not just lots of carb-y snacks.
Anon says
I have an excel chart of menu options kid can pick from for lunch. Her key lunch mains are a peanut butter sandwich or (in a thermos) mini corn dogs, mac and cheese, or chicken nuggets. For sides and snack she has to have a fruit (apple, applesauce pouch (no sugar added), mandarin oranges in no sugar added jar, grapes) and then it’s mostly carbs (veggie straws, chips, goldfish, etc.), but sometimes I can add in homemade trail mix (cashews, chocolate chips and dried cranberries) or yogurt. Today for snack I also added a slice of banana bread I made this week; if you sub in some whole wheat flour that might help too but I was not that fancy since I was baking it between calls with Asia at 9PM.
Anon says
We only send one snack, so I do something carb-y and a fruit, but if I was doing two snacks I’d probably send chopped veggies with the second one. If you have time for making things in advance, there are tons of “healthy” muffin recipes out there than have lots of fiber. Muffins keep for ages in the freezer and easily thaw overnight, so 2 mini muffins and some fruit (blueberries, graphs, strawberries, clementines, bananas, etc require no prep) is what I send for snack most days.
Key for us is having two lunch boxes and two snack boxes per kid, so I can prep them the night before while the ones they used that day are still in the dishwasher.
Allie says
I have a rule that lunch has to have a carb, protein and fruit and kid can pick among friendly mixes of those (cheese, sunbutter, bread, tortillas, lunch meat, crackers). Snack is a never ending saga sadly.
Anon says
Our rotation involves pb&j on Ezekiel bread, dr praeger’s sweet potato littles (cooked and eaten room temp), cheese stick, fruit, hummus and pita chips, raw veg, protein/snack bar, homemade mini muffin or mini “doughnut” (aka a muffin cooked in a doughnut pan).
Spirograph says
So much empathy. I had to pack 3 lunches every day last year because my kids’ school didn’t have the option to buy lunch. My formula:
1 fruit: berries are easiest, but clementines and sliced apples are also in rotation
1 vegetable: I usually cut up bell peppers or a cucumber and grab a handful of slices each of the next few days. Snow or snap peas and baby carrots also in rotation as they require no prep beyond putting in the container
1 main course thing: sunbutter & jelly sandwich, black or refried bean tacos (beans go in a thermos, tortilla with a slice of cheese in the lunchbox), kraft mac&cheese (in a thermos), hummus + pita/naan bread, and homemade lunchables are the staples. Lunch main course goes on the fridge weekly calendar along with dinners as part of the meal plan so I only have to think once.
2 snacks: I lean heavily on prepackaged/grab-and-go for these. Usually some combination of little boxes of yogurt-covered raisins, single-serving yogurt, a peeled hardboiled egg, various types of granola bars, TJs fruit leathers, cheese sticks
If I’m sending thermos food, that obviously gets heated up in the morning, but everything else can be done the night before or days before if needed.
OP says
This is super helpful – thanks
Liza says
Ideas for easy things for kids to grab n go: Gogo applesauce, string cheese, Babybel cheese, pretzels, popcorn, fruit snacks, peanut butter crackers, yogurt. For hands on: I make them a PBJ or make a big pot of pasta and put a scoop in a Tupperware in the morning.
Deedee says
Paging anonymous from 9/6 who offered to share your shopping list for baby with me. My burner is [email protected]
Thank you!
Anonymous says
Sent!
Anon says
Tips for giving bad tasting medicine? My strong, stubborn three year old does not like the antibiotics we just got for her ear infection – she’s usually a great medicine taker so this is a new challenge! I tried mixing it with applesauce, squirting it and following with a spoonful of nutella, having her watch a TV show… this morning I ended up holding her down and she held it in her mouth until i let go and ran and spit it out in the toilet! Help!
Anon says
Ask the pharmacy to flavor it. Or hold them down and blow in their face until they swallow. Also my 5YO prefers to do it herself (and has for the last 18 months). I give her the syringe and stand ready with a cup of water and she takes it, swallows and immediately gulps her drink.
Anon says
instead of following with a spoonful of nutella, we once had to mix with chocolate sauce. another thing i’ve done is put sprinkles in it. one of my kids is easier to get to take it than the other. i as a kid barely took medicine from when i was old enough to run away until i could swallow pills bc every time i tried to take liquid or chewable tylenol i vomited
Anon says
We had to give my 4 year old liquid antibiotics this summer and she hated the taste. We tried a bunch of things and ended up holding her down and force-feeding her which I’m sure some gentle parenting influencer would say is child abuse, but she needed to take the medicine and there was just no other way that worked. It took both me and my husband to hold her down. We had her slightly inclined and put the syringe fairly far back in the mouth, which I think prevented her from holding the medicine in her mouth? Point the syringe at the cheek, not the back of the throat so they don’t gag on the syringe. After doing this for about 5 or so days of a 10 day course, she finally realized how horrible the process was and started willingly taking it, but only under threat of being held down. We gave a food treat immediately after to get the bad taste out of her mouth.
Anon says
Turn on Paw Patrol and give it while they’re hypnotized. We’ve also put it in juice or chocolate milk.
Anon says
Not OP, but neither of these things worked for my stubborn kid.
Anon says
Oh ok, sorry to offend. They work for my kid which is why I shared.
Anon says
I’m not offended. Just saying that if a kid is bound and determined to not take the medicine (as it sounds from OP’s post like her kid is), these suggestions may not work.
Anon says
Oh, I was roundaboutly saying thanks for the critique. ;)
rakma says
Oldest had to take a medicine that was known to taste terrible, and the only thing that worked was allowing her to drink as much blue gatorade as she wanted when it was done. Mixing with other things wasn’t enough to mask the taste, but increased the volume of the bad flavor she had to choke down.
Anonymous says
Ask your pharmacist if they can add flavoring to it to make it taste better
Anon says
Try mixing it into chocolate pudding. I have also heard it works to eat a super flavorful chip first because it costs your mouth with flavor and masks the yuck flavor, but haven’t tried. I don’t really recommend mixing it into a liquid – it just means you are then fighting your kid to get down a larger amount of liquid.
Anonymous says
Hold jaw, squirt under the tongue, hold mouth close. Place jar of nutella opened with a spoon in front of her but she doesn’t get any until she swallows.
If she spits it out, give it again. You can give slightly less if you think she swallowed a bit. Repeat. She will learn that spitting it out means more medicine not less.