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I used to think that makeup sets were kind of scammy. You liked one color and the rest were add-ons that you’d never wear. However, during the holidays one year, my mother-in-law bought me a Bobbi Brown eyeshadow set that I still use every day. Unlike with other makeup brands, I find all of Bobbi Brown’s eyeshadow colors to be very wearable and useful day to day. In this set, which is $75 at Nordstrom, I am sure you’ll gravitate to some colors more than others, but none are so out-of-the-box bizarre as to not be usable at some point. I also like that this is the first set I’ve seen that includes gel eyeliners. The brush that was included in my set was very high quality and is still going strong, so I would hope that this included brush would be no different. The Mattes Edition Eyeshadow & Gel Liner Palette This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Psst: check out all of our coverage of the 2018 Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, including our top picks for workwear under $200 and our favorite plus-size picks for work!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
POSITA says
It’s almost fall, so it’s that time again–time to book kid activities.
Does anyone have any thoughts about signing a new kindergartner up for extracurricular activities? We had lots of time to try different activities last year when she was in part time preschool, but I think she’s going to find full day K to be much more intense. I’d like to keep her in swimming lessons and she’d like to do gymnastics. I could try to get her weekend slots (challenging), but that would tie up all of our weekends. I suspect weeknights might be tough if she’s overtired from school. What worked best for your kid? Should we just take the fall off while she adjusts?
If it makes a difference, she has a September birthday and will be one of the youngest in her K class. Mornings and after school she’ll be home with our au pair, presumably having downtime.
avocado says
I had a very young kindergartner who attended full-day K plus after-school. We did two weekday early evening activities and one weekend activity that year. It worked out great for her. She actually preferred the weekday activities because she hated having to get up and out of the house on Saturday mornings. I think after-school was much more tiring for her than extracurriculars because after-school was noisy, crowded, and chaotic, and the kids were not nearly so well-behaved as the kids at day care had been. In comparison, extracurriculars were much more structured and less overwhelming.
It really depends on your kid’s personality. If activities run in short sessions, can you skip the first fall session? That would give her a few weeks to adjust to kindergarten.
Anonymous says
Full Day K with October birthday. I alternate one day activity and one day after school program. So M/W/F grandma took her to dance/gymnastics/swimming and T/TH she went to the afterschool program at the school. I chose activities that had a phyiscal activity aspect because K involves lots of sitting even though they tried to get them outside twice a day.
Where you have an au-pair in the picture – I would do weekday activities and leave weekends to relax. Kid/I loved being able to stay in PJs until noon and just hang out on Saturday/Sunday mornings.
POSITA says
Our au pair could absolutely take her to activities, but the au pair is less able to handle overtired meltdowns than a parent. I try my best to set them both up for success. I’m just not sure if DD will be too exhausted for activities or completely fine and excited to go.
Anonymous says
I found the 4-5pm time slot was golden for activites – gave Kid a chance to have a snack and rest after school before the activity.
EB0220 says
My daughter is a year older. School was pretty tiring for her and neither of us could handle more than 1 activity in the evening during the week. We usually do one weekday activity and one weekend activity. In the summer, we add swim lessons on the weekend (putting us at 2 weekend activities) and during the school year we fit it in when she’s at camp for school breaks.
Anonymous says
I have a rising kindergartner, and we’re skipping any weeknight activities until we have a couple months with the new normal under our belt. My son still does a lot better if he takes a short nap, and our school district doesn’t do naps for K.
Not applicable if you have an only, but this will also be our first time with 2 drop-off and pick-ups, since we’ll have daycare plus elementary school/after care. I need to get a feel for logistics before I commit to something in the evening.
In House Lobbyist says
My son had turned 6 when he started K and he was so tired. He didn’t even want to go eat Mexican for dinner at night – he just wanted to come home and climb his trees or play with his Legos. But he was a child that was still taking naps until K started. He can play all day but sitting all day just wore him out. But our school is odd for little ones- they go from 9 am-4 pm and the school pickup line was a special kind of hell that meant it was closer to 4:40 or 5 before we even got home. And I was surprised by the amount of work they wanted done in K – reading books sent home; homework that had to be done for the week. It wasn’t much but trying to get an overtired, cranky kid to do anything was made it last longer. I think you are smart to see how it goes before signing up for too much. I have a new K starting this year and we aren’t doing anything.
anon says
I would keep things limited (maybe one activity to start with) and add another a few months into the school year if everything is going well. Kindergarten is a big transition for most kids, and you may find that your kiddo needs more downtime at home than he/she requires now. I wouldn’t tie up your weekend schedule with activities until you absolutely have to.
POSITA says
Thanks, all. We’re going to keep it simple. I might try a gymnastics class that can be cancelled at the end of any month and see how it goes. We can just cancel if it isn’t going well. It’s tough because she can get in now, but we might not be able to add later because there can be a really long wait list (like she may age out of the class at 7 before she gets in). Thanks again!
Need Tips for Dealing with Mother-in-Law as a New Mom says
Do you have any tips on how to handle a mother-in-law that gets on your nerves? Mine came to visit for a long weekend. Every morning a feeling of dread would come over me knowing that I had to spend another day with her. I’m due to have my first baby in a couple months, and I’m worried about being annoyed and resentful when she visits us for a longer period of time during my maternity leave (even a week might be difficult for me to endure) when I may be feeling more emotional and tired as a mom of a newborn, and I won’t have other work obligations or many activities to give me an escape during her visit. I’m an introvert and like to have downtime, but it’s hard to get that when my in-laws visit without it seeming like I’m avoiding them.
I normally would not have a problem with someone like her. She’s a kind, normal person. I think it’s just the burden of having to chit chat with her all day and feed her and entertain her and have her constantly in my space. The main problem is that she has an irritating habit of offering unsolicited advice and being the authority on everything. She constantly interrupts people. During a conversation, she always jumps in and talks about herself but rarely directs the conversation back to other people or seems interested in what they have to say other than how it relates to herself. She also gives us a lot of her old stuff, like dirty-looking, stained 30-year-old furniture, and I find that to be burdensome as well. She assumes we will be happy to have these things. But she doesn’t want this old ugly furniture displayed in her house anymore, so why would we? I’m afraid this pattern will only increase. She’s started bringing us old baby things (literally from when she was a child 60 years ago). We plan on giving some of it to Goodwill, but that’s just another task in our already busy lives, and some of this stuff is sentimental to her, so we’ll feel pressured to keep items we do not want.
None of this is terrible compared to what other people deal with, but I find myself resenting her and then feeling guilty about it. My husband can get snippy around her because she is irritating, and that can make things really uncomfortable for me too because of the tension in the air. Please share any tips you may have, especially related to dealing with mother-in-laws as a new mom during the maternity leave stage.
Anonymous says
Tell your husband to tell his mom to stop giving you stuff. period.
Why are you spending all day with her? Do you work? If you don’t work, then you need to come up with reasons to get out of the house so you aren’t stuck with her all day. If you just spend evenings with her and it’s a limited period of time, I would just suck it up.
Anonymous says
She’s talking about maternity leave, when she is not going to want to have to get out of the house with her new baby. Right now she’s dealing with weekend visits, when it is hard to use work as an excuse.
I think coming up with a list of tasks for mother in law is good, and maybe try to get her buy-in in advance. Can you or your husband find out what her expectations are – is she willing to do cooking and cleaning, or is she an only want to hold the baby? If the latter, you may want to really set brief limits on her visits, although if you have a baby that needs to be held constantly she might be useful. A new baby does give you a good excuse to spend a lot of time “napping” alone in your room.
LH says
Your husband should be doing more to handle her, including dealing with all the stuff she’s giving you.
I have a MIL I feel similar about – nice lady, but she gets on my nerves. When she visited us for a week during my maternity leave, I didn’t feel like I had to entertain her – our house has wifi and a TV and a lot of books, and she still works and brought her work laptop, so it’s not like she was lacking for stuff to do. I’d visit with her in one hour chunks and then excuse myself to feed the baby or put the baby down for a nap (90% of the time it was true because newborns nap/eat constantly, but even if it’s not true, you can use the baby as an excuse).
Also I firmly believe that anyone that visits brand new parents should be doing chores to help the tired and stressed parents, not just sitting around. Thankfully DH was on board with this and we discussed it with her before her visit, and we were able to give her some light housekeeping tasks (walking the dog, loading and unloading the dishwasher) that also helped to keep her occupied. She also wanted to hold the baby a lot, which gave me a chance to nap, which was really nice. It was actually probably the best visit we’ve had because she and I were both fairly busy.
BP3 says
We recently made a rule with my parents and it’s great. If they want to visit and stay with us, that’s cool, but we can do no more than 3 days/2 nights. Or, they can stay elsewhere (hotel/airbnb) and visit for as long as they want. My husband and I are both introverts and it’s really hard for us to have people visiting – anyone, really – for longer than a few nights. Also, with my kids, when I’d had enough of visitors I would just retreat to the nursery to feed the baby and put her to sleep, which could take a while (you know, about as long as an episode of The Good Wife). I still miss that aspect of babies!
anon says
I just do no understand people who are offended when you don’t want their stuff. They don’t want it, why would you? I’ve learned that it is their emotion to manage, not mine. It’s taken awhile, but I don’t feel guilty about it anymore.
Anonymous says
There’s no rule that she needs to visit you for a week or more when you are on mat leave!! Put your foot down. Your priority will be your baby, not feeding and entertaining her. Your husband has to be on your side and deal with his mother.
Lana Del Raygun says
Oh my word, why is she coming on your maternity leave? Please cancel this visit if you possibly can!
LH says
Assuming OP’s maternity leave is the standard 12 weeks or so, it seems pretty cruel to tell a grandmother she can’t meet her new grandchild until he’s more than 3 months old. If she really can’t be alone with the MIL, the solution is her DH taking time off work to entertain the grandma, not just telling her she can’t come at all. I don’t really like my in-laws, especially my FIL, and am not from a culture where people are close to extended family, but telling a grandparent they can’t meet their new grandchild for such an extended period of time seems incredibly harsh, especially since the MIL is just mildly annoying and hasn’t done anything really bad.
Anonymous says
This. I have a very tough relationship with my MIL and I only held her off for 4 weeks because she was flying in from another country so staying two full weeks when she did come.
Lana Del Raygun says
I was thinking she’d be staying in the OP’s house, which I realize now was just an assumption. But I do think that “has an irritating habit of offering unsolicited advice and being the authority on everything” is above and beyond “just mildly annoying,” and is about the worst kind of irritating habit to deal with when you have a new baby. Add in the OP’s husband consistently gets annoyed enough to snip at his mother, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Find some other way for her to meet the baby, or cut the visit way short.
ER says
Yeah, +1 to this. OP, how long is your maternity leave?
I have a MIL who has good intentions but is a drag to be around. She is retired and visits a lot. So I get it. But I keep telling myself that cultivating good relationships with the in-laws is a gift that I am giving to my husband, my in-laws and (most important) to my kids. So that’s the perspective that I’m coming from.
I would encourage you to remind your MIL that there are a lot of unknowns post childbirth. Lots of women and babies have complications – NICU stay, nursing problems, colic, etc. Emphasize that any plans to visit the newborn will have to be flexible. Also have your husband remind your MIL that childbirth is a pretty significant medical Thing for you, too. That will help manage expectations.
If I were you, I would ask your MIL to come to visit for three days when the baby is 1-2 weeks old. If she wants to book plane flights in advance, try for 3 weeks after the due date. If she wants to book plane flights after the baby is born, she can come 1 week after the baby is born. Your husband should plan to be around for most of that time. Then set up a longer visit after you are back at work. Having the longer visit on the calendar will give your MIL something to look forward to. Book a haircut during her visit :)
Artemis says
I agree with other people here who say it’s OK to say no, your husband needs to help or take over setting boundaries, etc. etc. 100%.
But also, if you really feel she’s a nice, kind, normal person with some annoying habits, you may want to take this time before baby is here to think about what annoys you the most, and what you can let go, and pick your battles. Look at intentions–is this how she feels connected and shows her love? What is the true burden to you in time and energy? The furniture thing is a hassle, and getting rid of furniture is a huge chore. Good battle to pick. Old baby clothes? Maybe not.
My husband and I used to get so irritated when we would leave his parents’ house and his mom would load us up with “leftovers”, some of it unusable b/c small portions or no longer appetizing or we don’t eat it or whatever. It would be this big production and they would fight about it, and we’d have all these containers and freezer blocks to clean and return. Then one day, I realized–feeding the people she loves is how she shows her love, and she can’t bear to waste food due to some aspects of her upbringing. So now, we no longer fight about the leftovers. We take whatever she wants to give us. When we get home, I throw it away or use it without any guilt. It is a small price to pay for everything else she does for us, and her intentions are good.
Anonymous says
This. And I do the exact same thing with my mom and leftovers.
Take a stand on the important stuff “we love that you think of us but we just don’t have room for that sofa” but let the minor stuff go – talking too much about themselves is sort of what older people do.
Take a picture of baby in a heirloom outfit or two and stuff the rest in a box in the basement to be donated when baby is bigger.
Sarabeth says
Number one rule for me is that I do not entertain my in-laws without my husband. After both births, they came while my husband was taking FMLA time, so we were both home. They live on another continent, so they often come for 2-3 week visits, but I don’t take vacation then, so they do stuff in our town or play with our kids while we’re at work. Sometimes my husband takes time off to hang out, sometimes he doesn’t, depending on how much PTO he has to burn.
Anonanonanon says
Just want to piggyback on the folks who pointed out this is your husband’s relationship to manage, as in he should be having any uncomfortable conversations that need to be had. This is a great precedent to set now, because with kids on the way the frequency of those conversations will likely increase the next few years.
My MIL came during the day every day our first week home with the baby, and it was a lot, but it meant a lot to my husband to have the help. He had no problem assigning her small tasks (doing a load of crib sheets/burp cloths, picking my older child up from school, running out to the store to get something, etc.). She’s a very picky eater so we just threw money at that problem and footed the bill to order in food for dinner when she stayed that late.
I wouldn’t have been comfortable having her there if my husband wasn’t also there, as you pointed out it’s just too easy to snap when you’re exhausted and just went through a huge physical ordeal. Is there any way your husband can take enough time off to be there while she’s there? Also, limit the length of the visits. Have your husband navigate that conversation, but maybe she can come on a Wednesday evening and leave on a Sunday evening or Monday morning, so you’re only stuck 2 days alone with her and can “run errands” on the weekend.
shortperson says
i feel the same way about my inlaws and mostly stayed in my room and “recovered” when they visited. i surfed the internet, watched tv, etc. i also saw friends, got a pedicure, etc. they were super understanding and mostly made me food. they were happy because i let them hold the baby whenever she wasnt eating. at that point baby just wanted a warm body to nap on, so baby was happy and they were happy. they inflicted dozens of sleeping baby photos on their extended family.
Patty Mayonnaise says
My husband and I are itching to take a big trip with our 1.5 year old and could use some advice. I realize his is pretty late, but we were thinking of maybe Santorini over Labor Day weekend but hen I realized it would be pretty unsafe (cliffs, no railings, etc) with a toddler who needs to run around. It would be a lot of hassle to travel, but I would do it for a special enough place. Anyone have suggestions? We were hoping to do a beachy trip and stay in a suite someplace with a pool so we don’t have to be in a dark quiet room whispering after the little guy’s bedtime. We could spend a lot less money and stay stateside, but I really miss taking big trips! Any advice/suggestions very welcome.
Anonymous says
Try Roccamare Resort or Rive Del Sole Resort on the Tuscan coast. I’ve done both with young kids – very kid friendly and easy plus lots of cute towns nearby for lunch/dinner. It’s about a two hour drive north from Rome.
Anonymous says
Another good option would be the Westin property on the Costa Navarino (spelling?) on the Peloponnese penisula in Greece.
anon says
We took our 1.5 yo to the UK last summer and had a fabulous time. It was a great time difference from the East Coast because the little one slept until 9 or 10 every morning and was happy being out to dinner until 9 or 10 PM. We took a late afternoon nap.
We flew into Heathrow and rented a car for our week so that we wouldn’t have to schlep baby gear. We stayed entirely in AirBnBs. We punted in Cambridge, toured Warwick castle, drove through the Cotswolds, stopped over the Bath, saw Stonehenge, swam in Bristol, and then hiked and swam at the Seven Sisters Cliffs in S. England. We spent our last night in London and enjoyed the Princess Diana Playground. Every day had a playground stop or two or three. We tended to try to drive during our DD’s nap and arrive at the new city for dinner. The trip was lots of fun. We were also really happy to only have the short direct flight back from London at the end of the trip.
The Seven Sisters Cliffs were the absolute highlight of our trip. So pretty.
Artemis says
+1. We took my oldest to London and the Cotswolds for 9 days when he was 17 months old. Hotel in London for 2 nights, one house rental in one Cotswold town for the remainder as our base for day driving trips. It was such a wonderful trip. The flights sucked, so I’m glad they weren’t longer (east cost direct to London), but the trip was amazing. I like big travel too, but for my first international trip with a toddler, it was nice to have no language barrier and cultural familiarity.
Anonymous says
I honeymooned in Santorini and love it, but agree it’s not the best idea to stay in one of those (beautiful) cliffside hotels with an active toddler. Do you like cruises? There are Mediterranean cruises that hit a lot of the Greek isles, so you could still see those places during the day and then retreat to the ship at night. Cruise ships have a lot of indoor areas for a toddler to safely explore and friends who have done cruises with toddlers have raved about their trips. Otherwise I’d recommend one of the Italian seaside villages. Cinque Terre was part of our last pre-baby trip and I thought it was lovely.
lala says
Alicante in Spain is the perfect location for toddlers. They have mini playgrounds everywhere, the Mediterranean, and the hotel we stayed at had a pool and was a step away from the ocean (Melia Alicante). We went when our youngest was 1.5, and our eldest was 3 and it was such a perfect trip.
lawsuited says
I just did a trip with my 16 mo involving 5+1 hour flights, and really recommend a road trip. Non-essential air travel with a young toddler is for the birds. Airbnb is far preferable to a hotel so you can do other things while LO naps.
Anon says
My advice: set boundaries now. Talk with your husband about what boundaries you are comfortable with and then he can communicate those to his parents. If you don’t like receiving unwanted furniture/baby items, then you shouldn’t do that. But you (your husband) needs to let his family know.
As for your MIL being self-centered in conversations– I’ve found that to be increasingly the case with my parent’s and my in-laws. It seems to be something that happens with age. It is unfortunate, but I’m not sure there’s much we can do except trying to redirect the conversation to other topics.
Anonymous says
Oops. Meant as comment to post about in-laws above.
Anon says
We are about to move our toddler out of the nursery to make room for a baby sibling and need a comfy chair for his new room. We were planning on getting one of the Ikea Poang chairs but apparently our local store was out of them yesterday and when I try to purchase online, I am told it is unavailable. Anyone know if they are getting rid of this chair? Alternatively, does anyone have a recommendation for another inexpensive but comfortable chair that would work? TIA!
rosie says
Did they have the Poang rocking chair? I think the Poang is just really popular, I cannot believe they would get rid of it. Some stuff is not available to buy online from them, maybe that’s why it is saying unavailable. You may also be able to find a used one on CL or similar.
Anonymous says
I’m a year post partum and carry most of my weight in my stomach area. Has anyone found good underwear that provide light shaping? I don’t want anything as serious as spanx, but wouldn’t mind a little bit of hold. Super light hold, as I want them to be comfortable. Looking for something cotton and available in cusp sizes. Does this exist?
anon says
Spanx undies! Much lighter feel than the traditional spanx and I’ve liked them.
Everlong says
Soma Tummy Tamer! And I’m the same way. :)
Anonymous says
Thanks!
New baby recs says
I’m due with my second in a few weeks and I’m looking for recommendations for 1) a cute backpack to use as a diaper bag. I got a skip hop diaper bag with my first and I hated using it. So big and bulky. Now I just use a big leather tote but it gets really heavy.
2) comfy but at least kind of cute nursing friendly and flattering t shirts or other clothes. I’m dreading that period following having the baby where maternity clothes are not working and none of real clothes fits so I’d like to get some cute things ahead of time to make me feel better. Thanks!!
LH says
I use a Longchamp as a diaper bag but I have a Bananafish backpack for my pump. It’s pretty cute.
lsw says
Congrats! I just got a backpack diaper bag from A m z n to replace our traditional diaper bag and I’m super happy with it. I’ll post the link below.
For nursing clothes I really loved Jojo Maman Bebe shirts. They were great quality and frankly I wish they made them in non-nursing styles because I loved them.
lsw says
Aforementioned diaper bag. If this matters to you it has some poorly translated nonsensical English on a small patch on the front. That, frankly, does not matter to me at all.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07C5P6FJK/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
CCLA says
We recently swapped (from SkipHop messenger) to a Jujube backpack from their XY line, which I think is meant to be their gender neutral set. We like it, IDK if I’d call it cute, but it’s unoffensive looking, functional, and comfortable. Backpack beats the messenger hands down, especially when solo parenting a toddler that needs chasing. Plan to continue using it when #2 arrives in a couple of months.
AwayEmily says
We have a Baggu canvas backpack. Non-gendered and the big bonus: you can throw the entire thing in the laundry (we have had to do this for several incidents, including leaking milk, spilled sunscreen, and melted granola bar).
Preggo says
Any advice for planning postpartum visitors around my due date besides “let it go / it’s out of your control”?
My mom wants to come as soon as baby’s born (left up to her she’d be in the delivery room!) and wants to stay at our house to help 24/7. I’ve let her know I’d really like about a week with my husband for us to settle in. Baby will be sleeping in our room (which mom thinks is crazy), so night-time help feels just a bit too intimate. We’ll put her up at an air bnb across the street.
Husband will go back to work after a week or less. I want my mom to be here that week he goes back.
But my mom lives a flight away and we’ve decided it makes most sense from a financial perspective to pre-book flight/hotel rather than wait until the last minute. How do I plan this?
When my sister had her first babies, I flew down around her due date and was there for a long weekend, but she never gave birth! It was disappointing and expensive, as I had to go back a few weeks later.
Baby due Nov. 1 based on LMP but the ultrasound folks have my due date as Nov 4. Midwives will let me go two full weeks before inducing, so she could be here as late as the 14th! I’m thinking we book around the 10th, and if baby comes way early we can re-arrange. If baby comes later, I guess worst-case is my mom is here for that first week and just a little in the way of our nuclear family time.
I know I’m overthinking this and there’s no way to predict when baby comes but…any advice for letting it go?
Anonymous says
You’re assuming baby will could come late – my first showed up at 38 weeks without intervention.
I would tell mom that you want to have the first fews days for yourselves and since it’s impossible to predict when baby will arrive, you’ll book the ticket after baby arrives. Then you can book it for a day or two before your DH goes back to work.
EB0220 says
+1 My first came at 36 weeks without intervention. You just never know.
LH says
You can look up statistics about various demographics to see if you might go early or late (I KNEW I was going late because I’m Caucasian, tall, and was a very overdue baby myself, all risk factors for going late and I’d had zero dilation or signs of labor), but then I was induced at my 40 week appointment because they felt like the baby wasn’t doing great. I hadn’t even really wrapped things up at work because I was so sure I was going at least to 41 weeks. I feel like it’s really impossible to predict and if you don’t want your mom here for the first week and really do want her here for the second week, you should wait until you’re in labor (or have a scheduled c-section if baby is breech) before buying her plane ticket. You can usually get decent pricing even a week out. Using miles is another alternative – often a ticket that is expensive in dollars is reasonable in miles.
CBG says
Yes, look at when your mom went into labor! I assumed I’d be late as a FTM, but my mom always went several weeks early. When I told my OB that, her eyes got big… and I went at 38 weeks!
Time slows way down those first few weeks, even 48 hours of “nuclear family time” may be plenty for him to figure out his role. If she can hold the baby for a few hours in between daytime feeds while you nap/shower/deal with new baby paperwork, that is the best thing ever. That way you haven’t totally lost your mind by the time DH comes home. As far as advice, write out a list of chores that she can do for you (this is a great tip for all visitors).
JTM says
I was in a similar boat – having my first baby, my mom is a flight away. I was due 12/29 and my mom flew in 12/26 and stayed for a long weekend…and I never went into labor. Went into labor on my own on 1/4 and wound up having my daughter on 1/6. That was a Friday and my mom wound up coming the next Thursday. Turned out to be perfect timing, as I was in the hospital until Monday, and my husband was home with me the first 3 days. When my mom arrived it was the perfect time to start helping, and we’d already had a few days for it to be just the 3 of us with no visitors.
oil in houston says
we were in the same boat, I organized for my mom to arrive 2 weeks after due date, which worked great as I ended up giving birth on my due date.
I can’t stress how valuable those first 2 weeks on our own with my husband and new baby were. Treat that time as gold for the future of your relationship. Once my mom got there, she just took over, so it was good for my husband to have established his role already.
Anonymous says
Counterpoint that my parents were able to swing last minute flights (I can’t remember how- might have been Southwest as mentioned elsewhere in this thread) and arrived a day or two after we got home from the hospital, and stayed for a week. It was amazing and I can’t imagine what we’d have done without them. They did all the cooking and cleaning, so we could focus on the baby. I would have been really unhappy to have no one there for 2 weeks.
Anonymous says
My parents were also life savers. I came home from the hospital very sore and sleep deprived and having them there to cook and clean for us was unbelievably helpful.
NYCer says
Counterpoint from me too. My mom was extremely helpful in those two weeks. She did not stay with us (stayed in a hotel basically next door), but the fact that she was there to cook, clean, run random errands, etc. was sooooo helpful. I cannot underestimate how helpful it was for me. She really stayed out of our way to the extent possible, but I was so, so (so!) happy to have her there.
My relationship with my husband is still as good as ever.
I think it is really a know your mom/situation kind of thing.
Anonymous says
If your mom would be up to it, I got a flight next-day on Priceline recently for 50% off what I would have otherwise paid. Of course I didn’t have full details, but we were told it would take off between 6:30am and 2pm, no more than one stopover, and no stopovers longer than 4 hours. We were surprisingly satisfied with the experience and would do it again, although it helped that we were flying into a small airport so we knew stopover could only be one of four hubs, all nearby.
Walnut says
There is zero way to reconcile “be there immediately” with booking a flight in advance. If I were in your shoes, I would suggest she book her flight for two weeks after your due date and shut down the discussion from there.
From my personal experience, my family is a drive away and in laws a flight away. Birth with my first two weeks early, slow, and dicey toward the end. We text updated family throughout the day and as communication become less and less upbeat, my parents hit the road and my MIL booked a next day flight.
Because of the unexpected nature and some challenges, it all ended up working out well. My second was also early, but without the scary excitement, so parents drove up for a short visit and took my toddler home with them for a week and in laws booked a flight two weeks out as soon as I went into labor. This was a really ideal situation and will repeat it again.
lawsuited says
Will your medical induce you at 40 weeks if that’s your preference? My medical team insisted I be induced at 40 weeks because of nebulous “risk factors” but I was pretty okay with it because I was so uncomfortable by then. If they’re willing to induce you at 40 weeks, then make your plans based on your due date and come up with a contingency if you deliver early.
Personally, I would plan for mom to arrive around the due date, to decrease the risk that you’ll be left alone when husband returns to work if baby arrives early. But in my experience, the “settling in with just your partner for a while” was way overrated because we were both totally out of our element, stressed out, beyond tired, and would have loved someone to make us a cup of tea or fold laundry so we could have a nap. Particularly as your mom is staying in an Airbnb anyway, she could give you as much or as little privacy as you wanted in the early days.
Anonymous says
This is not standard practice in the US, especially if you are a first time mom with an unripe cervix because then the induction is much more likely to end in c section. (Fwiw I had a medical induction with a very unripe cervix and had a vaginal birth so I know it’s possible, but many doctors here won’t do elective inductions before 41 weeks because of the increased risk of cesarean).
Anon says
Don’t overthink. If you’ll have a week to yourself with DH, that’s probably enough time for her to get a reasonable flight (although she’ll probably have to leave at 4 am or have a long layover etc). As far as when you go into labor, how old are you? Yes FTM go late, but not really true the older you get. My first labor was 39 weeks and fast as in slept through early labor overnight and barely got to hospital in time the next day. If you’re older, your midwives plan to let you go late sounds extreme.
FP says
I don’t know if you or your mom live in cities serviced by Southwest, but if you do – book through them for no cancel or change fees. You can book a flight for about a week after your due date, but if baby shows up earlier, you can change the flight without penalty (though it may cost more).
FP says
ugh that was a reply for Preggo above
rosie says
SW is great! You can also book a few flights if they’re cheaper now and then cancel what you don’t need (no issue if you book w/points, or I think you get it as a credit if you pay cash for the lowest fare category).
Anoner says
Anyone have late talkers? My 18 month old only has a few words although he babbles and sings constantly. And points and screeches. I know it’s all normal but I can’t help but compare especially when he doesn’t even say Mama! My husband is speaking to him in his native language which may be adding to his confusion? Thanks for any advice.
Anonymous says
Don’t worry! He sounds like he’s right on track.
Using some of these easy techinques will help encourage his expressive speech. http://www.hanen.org/Helpful-Info/Parent-Tips.aspx
There’s almost no evidence that second language learning from birth delays language. At most, there may be a slight delay with expressive language but ‘normal’ is such a wide range that the evidence isn’t clear.
My DH speaks to our kids in his language and I use English. They are much chattier in English because their daycare is also English but they can understand and respond to DH in his language. Our oldest goes to school in a third language. Multiple languages is SO GOOD for their brains. It actually has long term health benefits like lower risk of Alzheimers. Benefits of bilingualism – http://www.hanen.org/Helpful-Info/Articles/strengthening-childs-control.aspx
ER says
Just anecdata here – my cousins were raised bilingual (English and German), are very smart, and acquired language really late because of the two language thing.
Anonymous says
in mod for links but basically don’t worry and bilingualism is great for kids brains.
Anonymous says
We’re getting my 27 month old son screened for autism Friday and I admit he was much the same, but you shouldn’t jump to worry. He did babble/sing and did not learn Mama/Daddy till very recently, but he also didn’t really point. Our pediatrician was pretty unconcerned because he was making some sounds (so probably not hearing loss) and because there is a HUGE window of “normal” at this 18-month age. Just keep an eye on it as he gets closer to two, and don’t be afraid to get a second opinion if something feels hinky. Our pediatrician still wasn’t worried at two, but birth-to-three thought he qualified as developing atypically, hence the screening. Just pay attention and trust your gut, but boys + bilingualism can have a really wide verbal spectrum.
lsw says
Yes! Very late talker over here. My son just turned 2 and he has been consistently behind but the ped isn’t worried (and…I’m trying not to be). We did have him screened for EI but he was not behind enough to qualify – it was still a piece of mind thing for me. And the screening was free.
He is in a bilingual daycare and his teacher from age 1-2 only spoke the other language for a full year. Apparently it’s common to be slower to speak with bilingual immersion. His understanding has really escalated in the last few months which has helped a lot. I am happy to talk more off-line if that would be helpful to you!
Walnut says
Totally normal! To comfort our concern, we tracked all of his sounds and were reassured that he had a wide variety. Actual words came somewhere after age 2 or 2.5.
lawsuited says
Me paed stressed that communication can take a lot of forms other than speech, so if he’s communicating using gestures that counts. Have you taught your LO any baby sign language? We taught our LO some signs and he used them as his primary communication for a long time before he started adding the corresponding words.
Anonymous says
My daughter was a late talker, with no words at 18 months. Everyone told me I should be concerned, but I just wasn’t. She did respond to language (look in your direction, would do what you asked), made eye contact, played make believe, etc. I think part of it was that she didn’t need to talk, because if she pointed at a cup my husband or I would just hand it to her. Shortly before she turned two she said her first word, and had her first sentence a week later. When she moved to the two-year-old room at daycare they said she was the biggest talker in the class. She is 3 now and I’ve noticed that she will hold herself back from milestones until she knows she can do them (her first step was walking across the room, once she decided to use the potty she never had an accident, etc).
mom says
My late-talker didn’t say much of anything until he was 2.5 and not anything close to sentences until 3. He’s in med school now. Try not to worry.
Anon says
Two languages, same thing at 18mo. 2.5 now and speaking well.
Anonymous says
It’s a known thing that bilingual kids talk later. I have a friend who is raising his son bilingual in English and Japanese and he’s 20 months and doesn’t say more than a handful of words.
anon says
This is going to make me sound like a bonkers helicopter mom, but so be it. I have a kid going into third grade this year, and the beginning of the school year is kicking my anxiety into high gear. The backstory is that while DS has always done well academically, he’s had behavioral issues since kindergarten. (He was finally diagnosed with ADHD about six months ago, which explains a whole lot.) Anyway, since the time he’s started elementary school, the beginning of the school year has been ROUGH. Emails from teachers and phone calls from the principal, all with concerns about his inability to control his impulses, age-inappropriate behaviors, aggressiveness/over-excitability. The absolute worst beginning was in first grade, when the lady who was providing before/after school care told me 4 days into the school year that she couldn’t handle him and we needed to find another option. It was freaking awful. She told me this in a text message during the workday, and I still have to see this woman occasionally because she lives in our neighborhood.
All this to say, the start of the school year has been enormously stressful for our whole family. Getting an ADHD diagnosis has honestly been a relief, and with therapy and meds, DS is doing much better. But, he still lags behind his peers socially and has gotten a bit of a reputation as “that kid.” Which kills me, because we are working so hard at home to guide him and manage the ADHD. We have a therapy session scheduled for a few days before school starts, but I’m a wreck and my attitude is on the verge of ruining our last few weeks of summer. I just want my kid to make real, lasting friendships and to not freak the eff out in the classroom. He’s a fun kid, but his intensity ends up wearing people out after awhile. As a result, he doesn’t really have any close friendships.
I think my anxiety stems from never being able to relax and believe that he’s OK at school, behaviorally and socially. I dread seeing the school’s number on my caller ID, because it’s never good news. Knowing that he’s never going to be the kid who easily blends in with the group is just hard sometimes. Even being around other parents is stressful because they’re having such a different school experience than we are. We already have a meeting lined up with his teacher, so she knows what she’s dealing with, and hopefully that makes a difference. Every year I worry that he’s going to get kicked out of his before/aftercare program, which would be a huge mess to deal with.
Help? Has anyone else experienced school anxiety? What helped? How did you just … let go, and let your kid live his/her own life?
Anonymous says
Can you take any FMLA time around the first couple weeks of school so he can adjust to the new classroom first before you add in before/after school care?
Suggest trying therapy on your own for your anxiety as this is clearly affecting you quite strongly.
He will probably struggle but that doesn’t mean he won’t be fine in the long run. Anedata but my cousin really started doing better when he discovered cross country running. He made friends with the running kids and now he’s actually having a successful career in the Army. All the routine and structure is the perfect environment for him. Try to give his school life some balance by encourage other activities or interests outside of school where he can shine. Does he like to paint or sing or bike?
anon says
I’m sorry. I also have a kid who struggles to behave in school, but with different challenges. Hopefully your son has matured a bit and will have a better year. A few thoughts, but please don’t feel the need to reply:
Have you considered having your son exercise before school every day? I had a brother with big impulse control issues and he did much better once he started running laps around the house before school. Another coworker started having his ADHD son jog to school and that made things loads better for them.
My brother really thrived once he started wrestling. He had to keep his head clear to win matches, so he learned to control his movements and emotions. The wrestling coaches were also good at controlling active boys and just pinned him if he didn’t do what he was supposed to. It worked for my brother and he gained a ton of control and confidence. I think he started around age 7 or 8. I’ve heard similar good things about martial arts, though they weren’t physical enough for my brother.
Anyways, I’m sure you don’t need advice. Full commiseration here. It’s tough.
anon says
Is there one teacher that your son has had who has best been able to manage him? If so, I would invite that teacher to the meeting with your son’s new teacher. Sometimes it’s best to hear strategies straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.
Anonomyous says
Another option would be to speak with his teacher at your meeting about proactively setting up a series of parent teacher conferences to touch base with her over the first month of school. This might limit the number of calls you get at work since the teacher will already have upcoming appointments scheduled.
mascot says
This. Or send me an email that I can respond to. I had one teacher who would call without warning in the middle of the day and it was incredibly disruptive since I would get so worked up on the call.
anon says
YES, THIS. I like having an email because either I can reply, or DH can. When the school calls, it’s always on me and having a ready-made response when I’m still trying to process the information is upsetting and blows my concentration.
Anonymous says
I have no real advice, but I just wanted to say that I have zero friends from elementary school. Sure, I’m FB friends with a few of them, but I don’t know if I would otherwise recognize them if I bumped into them on the street. In fact, I struggled socially through high school, and almost all of my friends are from college or later. All that to say, I wouldn’t worry too much that he hasn’t yet formed close friendships. Even if your son was perfectly well adjusted, you can’t control whether he has friends or not.
I think it’s a good idea to meet with his teacher. Is the before/aftercare program familiar with your son? Maybe you could meet with them too.
Anonymous says
Similar. The two girls who are my BFFS for the last 25 years were high school friends. Barely know anyone from elementary/early middle school beyond a few FB friends.
Anonanonanon says
I hope the OP will take my comment in the spirit it’s intended (reassuring) but I don’t have the energy to wordsmith today, so I’m sorry if it comes across otherwise
All that to preface saying my son is “neurotypical” if you will, and other parents say he’s a delight when they chaperone field trips or help in the classroom, but he is entering 3rd grade and does not get invited to play dates etc. I honestly think it’s just different than it was when we were children. This conversation pops up on the boards occasionally, I don’t think kids- particularly those with two working parents- are getting together for play dates, sleepovers, running around the neighborhood, etc. like they used to. I say this to reassure you that he may not be missing out on as much as you’re worrying he is. Usually when I hear of kids from my son’s school getting together outside of school it’s in some sort of arrangement that benefits the parents (carpooling to a shared activity, etc.) more than just a playdate.
anon says
Thanks, it actually does help to hear that.
avocado says
Would it help to keep in mind that things are vastly different this year than in previous years? You now have a diagnosis and he has started therapy and meds. You already have an appointment with the teacher (would it help to have the school counselor there too?). It sounds as if you have anticipated the challenges and are prepared to meet them in a way that would have been impossible before the diagnosis. There will still be difficult moments and days, but you now have a path forward, and that makes a lot of difference. You’ve got this, mom.
anon says
I know this, and yet I can always use the reminder. I’m hoping we can get something lined up with the counselor, too. Since my kiddo’s school is one of the smaller ones, they share a counselor with several other elementary schools, which means it’s a tough resource to access. I’m grateful that we have a good family therapist to work with; she’s really saved our sanity as parents, and our son adores her.
Anonymous says
A coworker is in the same position with her son. She went through 2 years of never knowing when the phone was going to ring telling her to pick up her son for this that or the next thing. They finally got a diagnosis, but he’d already been branded as a problem kid by other kids and by staff. She moved him to a new school, and although the transition was difficult as part of her little guy’s diagnosis is that he struggles with change, the outcome has been great. He’s been at the new school for about a year and is doing really well. Coworker is starting to get to the point where she doesn’t assume she’ll have to drop everything at a moment’s notice to deal with a school crisis.
AFT says
“I just want my kid to make real, lasting friendships” —> I think you should take this off your list of things to worry about. I was a really late bloomer socially. I had no friends until high school. Lots of other kids made fun of me. I turned out fine. I am smart, and halfway through high school I decided I wanted to have friends. I paid close attention to how other people interacted, and, I mostly learned. Now I am married and have my own kids. More importantly, I think I had a very happy childhood. My parents never made me feel like I was an awkward loser – I was really supported at home.
My advice is: Say goodbye to the hopes and dreams you had for the child you thought you might have, but you did not have. Focus on the things that are under your control for the child that you do have. You are doing the right things for your son. Life might not be easy for him, but it will be better for him than it could have been, because he has you for a mom. And don’t write off the rest of his life just because he is struggling with some things now.
mascot says
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this and letting us know that the kids really do turn out alright.
I’m not the OP, but I also have a kid who struggles socially thanks to a strong personality and some excitability. It’s gotten better over the years, but I still have anxiety and stress trying to help him in the world. Sports has helped some in teaching self -discipline and giving him somewhere to succeed. Wrestling was good. Right now his sport is soccer, which he’s pretty decent at, so we are encouraging that. Also, I’m very open and honest with our friends and the school about my kid’s personality and the ways we try to support him. It seems to make people less likely to write him off as “that kid” I also find that he does better when playing with kids who are laid back and who don’t care about being in charge so I’m trying to facilitate some play dates with those kids.
anon says
I can relate to a lot of this! The easygoing kids are definitely better matches for my strong-willed guy. And, there are truly so many wonderful things about who he is, but I can’t deny my reality that parenting him is just harder. I’m getting more comfortable being upfront and honest with people, but I’ve taken it on a case-by-case basis. Not everybody has earned the privilege to know what’s up, if that makes sense.
Fingers crossed that he finds an activity that helps with the self-discipline piece. So far, individual sports have been a better fit than team sports, although we have him participate in rec leagues 1-2 times a year to get that experience and learn how to be a teammate.
Betty says
+1 . Thank you for sharing and it made me tear up as well. My son struggles socially due to ASD. I wish we could put him in sports, but he does not have the capacity, so we are trying to find other outlets for him.
Anonymous says
Agree with this. I had people to play with in K-3 but people started separating into cliques by 4th grade and I had no friends. I had people to sit with at lunch in middle school and high school but I rarely saw them outside of school and am not in touch with them currently. Plenty of close friends from college and beyond. I wouldn’t sweat the close friendships thing too much. And I agree about supporting him and not making him feel like a weirdo. Many of my college friends had similar upbringings and those of us with parents who made us feel normal (even if we weren’t really) were much happier.
anon says
I hope we’re doing that! Not to brag, but I think DH and I work hard to make our home a fun place to be. We have lots of silly, goofy traditions and habits that, I hope, give our kids a sense of familial belonging. In the end, I realize that’s much more important than third-grade friendships.
Anoner says
Thank you all for the replies on language and late talkers! I’m going to mention my concerns to the pediatrician at his next check up and try and relax.