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These pants actually came up as a recommended item on Macy’s website as the most comfortable pants around. Clicking through, I noticed that they’d be a good choice for someone who’s returning to work after maternity leave and maybe isn’t the same size anymore, or maybe wants more of a comfortable, stretchy sort of pant. They look great, especially as they’re only $30 and come in seven colors, meaning you can buy a bunch. They’re also highly rated (with 600+ reviews!) and they’re available in short sizes (as well as regular length), in case you’re not feeling quite back to heels yet. The size range is 2-18, and you can get free shipping at $50 and free returns. Bonus: They’re machine washable. Style & Co. Stretch Wide-Leg Pants, Only at Macy’s Here’s a plus-size option. (L-all)Sales of note for 4.14.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Mid-Season Sale: extra 40% off; extra 20% off sale styles; 40% off new spring styles
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- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Buy 3+ get 30% off forever favorites
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
PhilanthropyGirl says
I’m wearing a straight leg version of these in a plus size today. I could LIVE in them. They are the only pants I own that don’t cause me to rush home and want to put on yoga pants. They are flattering and comfortable, and they’ve been flexible with my PP weight fluctuations.
+1 billion for this pick, Kat!
Jdubs says
These look similar to the Betabrand pants, which have been my go-to after maternity leave, but at a better price point.
Anon says
+1. I’ve been living in Betabrand, so this piqued my interest. About half the price AND comes in more colors? Count me in.
CPA Lady says
I have the ponte pencil skirt from this brand. I bought them in three colors a couple years ago for $25 each. I’ve machine washed them countless times and I think they’ve held up really well considering the price point.
CLMom says
This is my experience also.
Macademia says
I appreciate these testimonials! I have two pairs on order (I am trying 2 sizes.)
Momata says
Like someone said a couple weeks ago, potty training could be this s!te’s FLEECE TIGHTS . . . My almost 3yo was doing great but in the past week she’s refused to poop in the potty. Now she gets really stressed out for the fifteen minutes before she has to poop and ends up in tears. I’m not sure how best to help her over this hump — I don’t want to make it even more stressful for her but it’s hard to focus on the positive when she can’t seem to manage to earn a reward. Any tips welcome! TIA!
EB0220 says
Could she be constipated? My 4 year old has really hard BMs and so pooping is a source of anxiety for her. A combination of prunes and holding her hand when she poops has helped, but she still often says it hurts and avoids it.
Momata says
She is not. It’s like she’s almost … afraid? to go on the potty but is to the point in her training that going in her diaper/underwear is upsetting. I tried to ask her why she doesn’t want to use the potty but in that moment she was too upset to say.
EB0220 says
Interesting. Does she use the regular toilet? Maybe she doesn’t like getting splashed by the water and would like one of the little floor potties? Kids. They’re inscrutable.
Momata says
She uses both floor potty and toddler seat on the big toilet for pee. She had success using the floor potty for the first couple weeks of training and has success using a small daycare actual potty pee.
NewMomAnon says
When my kiddo has a hard time pooping in the potty, I put her in a diaper and let her do what she needs to do. Probably TMI, but I don’t think the seated position is always best for pooping…
Katala says
I hadn’t thought about it, but we have a “squatty potty” (just a stool that fits around the based of the toilet) that helps move things along. And DS often squats to go #2, so it makes sense that position would be better for potty training too. I wonder if there’s a squatty potty jr.
pockets says
I’ve taught my daughter that she has to sit in “poop position” when she needs to poop – feet on the toilet seat. It mimics the squatty potty ergonomics.
Katala says
This is great! Definitely borrowing this.
EB0220 says
Yeah, that’s why I think the floor potties work better. They’re squatting more rather than their legs hanging off of the adult-sized potty.
AIMS says
What did you all do to celebrate your one year old’s birthday? We’re in the process of moving soon so having people over would be difficult, if not impossible. Also various interested family members are not quite in the same area, although within about an hour, give or take, of us/each other. My initial plan was to not invite anyone to do anything, bake the baby a cake, and go out to a nice lunch with just the three of us. But I am now getting some pushback from the grandparents. If it was warm out, I’d just organize a picnic in the park and anyone who wanted to come, could come. Should we do a bigger family lunch/early dinner at a restaurant? I feel bad but I really don’t want to plan anything.
AwayEmily says
I know you said having people over would be tough but could you make it a super casual drop-in brunch event? Just say “we will have bagels and coffee — stop by anytime between 10am and noon. ” Maybe you could even include a disclaimer that you are in the midst of moving so things will be a bit chaotic but you’d love to see anyone who could make it.
AIMS says
I honestly don’t think we would even have enough chairs. I could host in groups, I suppose, but that seems like a lot of work and would probably just make everyone feel slighted.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Would one of the relatives offering push-back be willing to host? Order pizza, bake a cake, blow up some balloons and keep it simple?
I got a lot of pushback when I didn’t invite extended family (as in, *my* aunts/uncles/cousins)to 1st birthday – and just ignored it. I had neither the energy nor the budget for a part of 30 individuals. That 1st year is exhausting!
So, you do you – but if placating grandparents is important, shuffle hosting duties on to someone else and offer to buy pizza or something equally simple.
AIMS says
That’s one idea. I can always force my mom to do it. I think I’d probably need to help her set everything up but maybe that’s easier than the other options.
H says
This is a great idea. Also, don’t feel like you need to serve a meal. For my LO’s second, we are having it in the afternoon and only serving snacks and cake. Keep it simple and convenient for you. If grandparents want to see LO, they can come to you.
Momata says
Give yourself a break. Without knowing more about the grandparent dynamic, I’d probably cave and do a super simple cake and punch gathering at the house with balloons. I think most people like to watch the baby eat their cake. I’d explain what you said here — that you’re in the middle of moving and aren’t equipped to host more.
Anon in NYC says
We had a large group (we were guilted into inviting extended family), so we rented a kids venue and catered it from Whole Foods. Perhaps you could do a small group thing in a private room of a restaurant?
Marilla says
We’ve been having a rough month and are in no way up for parties, so I told a few close family members that our daughter (just turned 1) would be having a chocolate cupcake at lunch on Saturday and they were welcome to join. They came for lunch, grandma brought half the food, that was that. Two other family members came Sunday morning to bring presents and played with my daughter for about 15 minutes after she woke up from morning nap. Everyone else got told that we would not be hosting a celebration this year but we would love to see them soon once life is a little more settled. They were all understanding.
BTanon says
We did a variation on Marilla’s strategy. Within the month-ish of baby’s first birthday, we saw each set of grandparents (at their respective houses), and did a cupcake with singing at that time. Baby smiled and made a mess, grandparents were happy, we called it a success. No decorations, no invites, no additional guests beyond whoever was at the house at the time.
anon says
Maybe as a compromise you could offer to do a larger celebration in a month or 2, or alongside an extended family gathering over the holidays (possibly hosted by your mother)?
Re: BTanon’s idea – There was a whole birthday party concept in this party planning book I used to read as a child (I was a weird child), the Pennywhistle Party Planner. It was called “The First Birthday Tour” and was geared for families scattered around the country – they suggested you print up shirts with tour dates and everything. I’m not saying you should go that far at all, but maybe that could be a fun angle to pitch this to your family.
Due in December says
Yeah, I would stick with your plan and not have anyone over to your home under any circumstances. As an alternative, just tell pushy relatives that you are going to X restaurant with the three of you and they are absolutely welcome to join as long as they let you know by X date so you can add additional people to the reservation. Not a party, just a lunch.
Add on question…what cheap/easy “gifts” do 1 year olds love? My baby turns 1 really near Christmas. I am planning on making a cake or cupcake. No actual presents, but I wouldn’t be opposed to something fun/festive for her (and to differentiate the day from Christmas, for us). Balloon? Bubbles? Other ideas?
Anon in NYC says
Balloons and bubbles are great ideas – my daughter loves them. Maybe also a Happy Birthday book from Dr. Seuss?
Katala says
+1 You have a 1 year old and you’re moving. Plus it’s holiday season. Your plate is full. I think it’s rude for people to complain that you’re not throwing a party for them (and it is for them, kiddo won’t know the difference and a family lunch sounds lovely). If they care that much, they should host something. If not, no room to complain.
Yes to balloons and bubbles. My son got a truck for his 1st bday and could not have been happier. One present in a gift bag with tissue will also be entertaining.
SC says
I like the idea of asking one of the grandparents to host, since they’re pushing the party idea, and helping set up. You could even ask the non-hosting grandparents to bring food. Keep it simple. If nobody wants to host, then stick to your guns (no party) and offer to bring a cupcake at your next regularly scheduled meal with the grandparents. Personally, I would not schedule a large meal for a 1-year-old at a restaurant. There’s a decent chance your kid is going to be overstimulated by all the party guests on top of the restaurant setting, and having people who drove a decent way to celebrate the 1-year-old would just make it harder to pack up and leave when you needed to.
Katala says
Good point about the restaurant. We had a get together hosted by family we were visiting for DS’s first and he was pretty overwhelmed the whole time. May be different if your kid’s familiar with all the guests, but something to consider.
Edna Mazur says
If you are getting push back, could you interpret that as offering to host? That sounds like a win win.
AIMS says
Thanks all! Their position is that they just want to celebrate the baby’s milestone. I think I’ll ask my mom to host and call it a day. Now to plan a menu…
New mom amazed at how little time she has... says
All, I need some advice on some baby sleep stuff. I have tried to research this on all the sleep sites and can’t seem to find anything exactly on point. We have a five month old baby who after the first three months of life, turned into a pretty great sleeper. I should add, he is still a pretty great sleeper but I am trying to figure out what we can do to make sure he gets all the sleep he needs. He goes to bed somewhere between 6:30 and 7 PM. For about a month, he was sleeping until around 6 or 6:30 AM. That worked perfectly because we leave the house for daycare at 6:55 and the earliest that daycare is really able to put him down for a nap is 8/8:30. However, now, he wakes sometime between 4 and 5:30 and we spend until about 6 trying to get him to sleep a little bit more. We do that mostly because if we don’t, by the time we bring him to daycare he has fallen back asleep and is a mess because with all of the activity of drop-off, they aren’t able to put him down for a nap immediately (and even if they try, he isn’t able to fall back asleep). That leads to the rest of the day being a napping disaster because it seems that once he gets over tired, he doesn’t nap well at all which leads him to being a cranky monster in the evening. I have tried to keep him in darkness until 6:30 because I read that would help him learn that is sleep time but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference.
My question is, are we doing something wrong? Is this just a stage that he will grow out of? TIA!!
PhilanthropyGirl says
I vote a stage. I remember my kiddo going through two or three phases of really early wakeups. Much like yours, he is in general a great sleeper, and had a very similar schedule at that age. My memory is a couple of weeks of early wake ups around that age, where one of us would get up, and rock him in the dark until actual wake-up time. Eventually he went back to his normal sleep routine.
Hang in there – I suspect this will reverse itself.
New mom amazed at how little time she has... says
Thank you, PhilanthropyGirl!! :)
Anonymous says
Could be a phase but maybe you could you try a later bedtime? Maybe 7:30?
anon says
+1 – also make sure he hasn’t started napping longer at daycare, and if necessary ask them to shorten the morning nap. Also, depending on how you get to daycare, is there a way to let him finish napping in his carseat or stroller without trying to transfer him to a bed? Like bringing the carseat in and setting in the nap room?
New mom amazed at how little time she has... says
Thanks so much for the ideas!! On the nights he goes down on the later side (7-7:30) he fusses for longer and wakes at the same early times in the morning. Unfortunately, he is now back to taking very short naps at daycare, I think because he is overtired. Our daycare does not allow babies to remain in the carseats for safety reasons. I think one of the teachers told me that it is actually against some regulation in our state.
anon says
That’s bizarre re: carseats. It sounds like he’s not getting too much sleep for sure. Can you blame daylight savings time? Either that or call it a wonder week and assume it will pass.
Boston Legal Eagle says
When you say get him back to sleep do you mean you go in and feed/rock/etc? Could you try just not going in his room until a more reasonable wake up time and see if he falls back asleep? My almost 7 mo sometimes wakes up at night but we don’t go in before 545/6 at the earliest. He could be going through a growth spurt if he’s actually hungry though.
New mom amazed at how little time she has... says
Thank you!! So we have tried waiting to go in and if he wakes at say 2 AM, he is able to settle back down and fall back asleep. It seems that with his wake-ups from 4 AM onward, he is not able to settle back down and his fussing escalates to full on screaming. We are still waiting to give him his bottle until 6:30 and that doesn’t seem to bother him.
NewMomAnon says
Do you change his diaper during the 4 AM wakeup? If not, try that. If it helps, try moving to a bigger size or more absorbent diaper. My kiddo used to wake up whenever her diaper got too wet, and would not go back to sleep unless we changed it.
AwayEmily says
The exact same thing happened to us at around five months (5am wakeups). I wish I had something super helpful to say, but she is now 7.5 months and they are still happening. She often takes her first nap at home, from about 7 – 7:40, and then we bring her to daycare afterwards. Would this work for you, at least as a temporary solution?
One thing that helped is that we trained her with one of those light-up alarm clocks and so now even though she wakes up at 5, she stays quiet until the light turns on at 6, which gives us some extra sleep. So our schedule is:
6:15pm bedtime (I wish this could be later but it is dictated by the daycare afternoon nap, which is 1 – 3, and she can’t stay up much later without getting overtired).
5am she wakes up (I can see her on my monitor wiggling around)
5am – 6am quiet time in crib (sometimes she falls back asleep briefly during this time, though that’s rare)
6am – 7am breakfast (milk, solids) and playing
7am – 7:40 she naps, I get everything ready to go
Then the second she wakes up from her nap, we are off to daycare — she usually arrives at around 8.
Anyway, lots of sympathy here — early wakeups are the worst. The clock really has been a life-saver.
AwayEmily says
Oh, and addendum — on top of this she usually takes a brief morning nap at daycare (10 – 10:30 or so) and then a longer afternoon nap (1 – 3). Now that she is older and a bit more able to stay up, we are planning to start trying to drop her AM nap at home and move her to a longer AM nap at daycare.
New mom amazed at how little time she has... says
AwayEmily, thank you so much for the suggestions!! Unfortunately, we aren’t able to move the daycare drop-off later. I think you are right that a nap about an hour after wake-up would really benefit him. Any idea at what age your baby really seemed to understand the light up clock? This will sound terrible, but I think that concept will be too advanced for my babe for a while…
AwayEmily says
We trained her with the clock starting at five months, so your son is definitely capable! It’s not an “understanding” thing — I don’t think we have ever explicitly said anything about the clock to her — so much as a conditioned/learned response. Basically we started off by setting it for right after she would wake up anyway (so, around 4:30). We’d come in as soon as the light turned green and make a Big Deal out of it it (Hi!!! Good morning!!). Did this for a few days, then set the light to turn green later and later (about ten minutes every three days, I think) until we got to 6pm. The idea is that they associate Green Light with People Coming to Get Them, they know it won’t happen until the light turns green, and so don’t bother crying/fussing before then (and hopefully go back to sleep, though that hasn’t really happened as much as we hoped — mostly she just hangs out in her crib practicing her crawling).
AwayEmily says
oops, meant 6am, not 6pm.
ER says
I also vote a stage. Here is a different idea though. What about trying for a third nap right after daycare pickup? Our daycare pickup was at 6:15 and our infant would always fall asleep on the ride home. We would wake her up, have dinner, and then put her to bed at 8. We never had a problem getting her to go to sleep. She was still waking up at 5:30 at 10 months. That has stretched out to 7:30 at 19 months. She still has the 8 pm bedtime; she just has consolidated her nighttime sleep. I think she started dropping that evening nap sometime around 12 months.
Anonymous says
Question: How did you all reallocate your budget during the childcare years?
I’m pregnant with my first and while we can afford childcare at the facilities in our area, it will do a lot of damage to our monthly savings. We have currently been using our savings for emergencies, down payments, and making lump sum payments on student loans, etc. It’s the most flexible part of our budget. We had rebudgeted a lot a few years ago to save more aggressively. But I’m worried this will take away a lot of our cushion.
Is this normal and we just need to weather it for a few years?
Mrs. Jones says
Child care basically negated our savings, so I think it’s normal to some extent. It sucks!
Anon in NYC says
Yep. Same here!
Betty says
Us too. And I have heard the same from many other dual working parent families.
Anon says
The only saving we’re doing at the moment is our 401ks. We had a good cushion built up before we had our daughter, and we haven’t made a dent in it, but we also haven’t added anything to it.
anon says
Our income has increased (thankfully) since we had our son, so we’ve been able to save some, but I think it is very normal in our HCOL area.
SC says
We save for retirement but have not added to our emergency/other savings since our son was born 18 months ago.
CPA Lady says
We don’t typically celebrate Thanksgiving with extended family because of logistics, but I just ordered a for real thanksgiving dinner in individual portions from a local caterer, and I’m so excited. I love thanksgiving food but it seems like such a big endeavor to cook everything for just the three of us. And now someone else has done all the cooking and all I have to do is pick up the food!
anne-on says
That sounds really lovely and relaxing! We host every year for between 12-18 ppl and while fun it is A LOT of work…and I always need about a bottle of wine afterwards….
Patty Mayonnaise says
I could use some advice on a baby party type event. I’m expecting my first child this spring and my out of town sister & BIL have graciously offered to host an event for us. I’ve always been uncomfortable with baby showers for superstitious reasons (previous losses exacerbate this) and bc they tend to exclude the baby’s dad. But once we really started looking at all the stuff we’d need for the baby, we thought this might be a good idea. So we were thinking a low key co-Ed party would be a nice option. But we live in a HCOLA and none of my friends have places big enough to host, so now we’re looking at venues, which are all $$$. I just feel like it’s turning into a big production and that combined with superstition and not wanting to appear gift-grabby is making me rethink having one at all. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!!
EB0220 says
Could you consider a low-key open house after the baby arrives? Lots of things on the registry won’t really be used when the baby is a newborn. Also – if you made it casual you wouldn’t have to seat a million people. Hopefully the attendees would be distributed over a period of time so it wouldn’t be too much for the space.
JP says
We were in the same boat (HCOLA area, previous losses, friends w small places). Does your house or apartment have enough room to host people? Our parents (who live out of town) ended up hosting a coed baby shower for us at our house. I’d just hit 34 weeks, and I am SO glad that they did it. We had about 20-25 people for lunch, cake, and opening gifts. No games per our request (and to our dads’ and male friends’ relief). It was also an opportunity for us to say thank-you to our friends and family for supporting us through a really rough time. We thought it would be awkward to have it at our house, but it ended up being really nice and de-escalated it from feeling like a BIG EVENT to something with which we both felt more comfortable.
Patty Mayonnaise says
Thanks for your input ladies. Unfortunately we won’t be able to host it ourselves either — we currently live in a studio and will likely be in the midst of a move to another very small space at the time.
Anonymous says
What about a brunch at a restaurant near you? It’s often easier and less expensive to reserve rooms (private or semi-private) or at least large tables for groups that time of day.
Patty Mayonnaise says
We’ve been considering this as well, but the amount of coordination/reserving things in advance is just overwhelming, as well as the cost.
October says
I’m a little confused – your sister is offering to host, but can’t have it at her house? Or you don’t want to travel to her house for the party? We ended up having two showers, one thrown by each side of the family, and we traveled for both of them. I agree that the whole “renting a venue” production can be a little much. But in general, I do not think (reasonable) baby showers are gift-grabby at all (and I prefer to attend baby showers than wedding showers, FWIW!). It’s a chance to celebrate a momentous occasion, and your family and friends would probably be thrilled to be there for you.
Patty Mayonnaise says
She is offering to host (or throw I guess) it in our city – she lives 3 hours away. All of our friends are here, so if we were going to have one, it would be here. The logistics just don’t seem to be working out unfortunately!
ChiLaw says
I was superstitious and awkward about a baby party/shower before kiddo was born too. I ended up saying to my mom and sister, “do whatever you want, and I will show up.” It ended up being really sweet! They used the event space in their apartment complex (a lot of higher-end complexes apparently let you use the event space once for free — is that an option for anyone you know?) and some out of towners flew in, and we did baby-type crafts (decorating onesies, etc. because we are craft-liking folk) and had a very low key table set up with salad and little sandwiches (???) and lemonade to drink and my sister made cupcakes and … it was delightful and I cried. So that’s the positive story.
Alternatively, I used to work in a restaurant that hosted a lot of baby showers: there was no cost for the room, just a food minimum. If the $# isn’t too much, that might be an easy solution. Everyone eats, probably no need to decorate, no opportunity to microwave candy bars in diapers (never ever ever!), and you can open presents and kvell and then go home.
Patty Mayonnaise says
Thanks so much for your input – you hit the nail on the head – I am SO awkward about all of this stuff. In fact I was hoping to skip opening presents in front of everybody too! I’m starting to think maybe this type of event isn’t in the cards for me — I had just envisioned a very low key party to mingle with friends, but I think between the location and other typical traditions around these things, that may not be possible.
PBD says
Just some food for thought — I don’t think baby shower and low key party are mutually exclusive. My husband and I are having our baby shower this weekend and we decided to forego the baby shower alleged “traditions” that we dislike (which for us is the vast majority of games, including crafts). We also decided to do co-ed since we don’t see why men have to be excluded, are NOT opening gifts in front of everyone, etc. You can do whatever you want to do! For us the main thing was having our friends and family in one place and having a lot of good food and drink. We also had issues with venue since our home is too small, and we ended up renting a large room at our local park’s community center. Very affordable compared to restaurants or hotels or other private venues. We’re getting some simple but tasty catering for lunch (sandwiches/pasta/salad) and have some good friends helping with logistics. We’re also in an HCOL area.
Patty Mayonnaise says
Thanks for this – this sounds exactly like what we’d want. I’ll have to see if there are any similar venues around the area.
anon says
My friends threw a small party for me at a restaurant. They did not get a private room, just made a reservation for the right number of people, and we all had some food and they gave me presents and that was it. I think the guests split the cost of the food. Very simple.
Showers in PNW says
I was in the same boat as you (did not do a bridal shower, didn’t want the attention, didn’t want that much stuff, small space in HCOL area). But our friends threw us a coed party at a local park and it was really fun and the whole thing was super low key…just all our favorite people together, barbequing and hanging out.
However, I have attended almost a dozen showers and hosted two (I enjoy event planning, just not being center of attention, go figure). Here are my suggestions for you:
-check out your city’s parks, community centers, libraries for free or low cost venues like meeting rooms or picnic shelters
-does your area have any micro-breweries, distilleries, brew pubs or tasting rooms? Have it midday or early afternoon and guarantee min drink tab…the place may welcome the business during a slow time and not charge a venue fee. Beer/wine/vodka tasting gives your guests a built in activity. Perfect for coed guest list.
-sounds counter-intuitive, but playing baby shower bingo when you open presents actually takes the attention off of you. Everyone will be too busy debating if the socks in the 4-piece outfit you just opened count as booties or socks to notice you opening the next present; and gives people something to do during that traditionally awkward time. Google baby shower bingo cards.
-having guests decorate something (onesies, wood blocks, etc) is another low-key activity people can do while eating and visiting.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Plus one to your low cost venues. I work at a retirement facility, and we have a number of low cost venues that are available for the public to rent. I had my shower here on campus and it was perfect.
Anon says
I am struggling with my 4 year old son. He has always been a very sensitive kid, and especially sensitive to kids making fun of him. We recently moved and he started a new school, where he absolutely thrived at the beginning of the school year. He’d literally dance his way into the classroom and yell out “BYE [KIDS]!” to all his friends every afternoon. About two weeks ago, he did something that made a bunch of kids laugh, and he seems to have really retreated into himself since then.
He’s quiet going into the classroom, and by the time I leave, he’s playing alone in the corner. He’s much moodier at night. I’ve talked to the teachers about it, and they tell me he’s still playing with other kids during the day — but I just really don’t get the same feeling of happiness from him. I’m extra anxious about this because it happened at the other school he attended (kids made fun of him, and he totally retreated from the group for the remainder of the year). We’ve talked a lot about how kids can say hurtful things, and how to tell them it made you sad and to ask them to do something to make you feel better, but he often doesn’t want to talk to me about his friends or school (also happened last year). I also talked to the teachers about how he had his feelings hurt, and may need some help smoothing things over with the other kids. again, they tell me he’s fine. I get the feeling they see a kid quietly playing by himself or sometimes playing with other kids, and don’t really get what the big deal is.
On one hand, I think my anxiety about him being sad in school or excluding himself is putting an unnatural focus on it, which doesn’t help. On the other, I don’t want to ignore my gut that he’s unhappy in the classroom. What do I do? I don’t know any of the other parents in the classroom, although maybe I just need to instigate playdates?
Anonymous says
Have you had a more formal sit-down with the teachers to talk about it? I think that would be a productive way to figure out what if anything to do.
I like your idea of playdates too. My 4-year-old son is on the shy and sensitive side as well, and the other day he was invited to a playdate by a family we don’t know other than seeing around at school. I was thrilled that my son had a little buddy who wanted to hang out, and it was totally normal.
anon says
I second talking to the teachers again, and really focus on the changes you have noticed in his behavior. Playing alone is not the issue, it is the fact that it is a change in his behavior.
I do think setting up playdates is a good idea. Ask the teachers if there is a kid they think he would especially get along with, and reach out to those parents.
Anon says
Thanks to both of you. Re-visiting the teachers are probably a good idea. I’m a little wary of alienating them, however. I think I was too overbearing last year in this situation. It put the teachers on the defensive, which wasn’t constructive for anyone. I tend to get a little intense when I’m upset, and I am really worried about my son. It’s hard for me to take off my litigator hat, and take a collaborative approach. The first few weeks of school, I got along great with the teachers, but I’ve noticed they have been a little wary of me lately, which tells me I’m not finding a good happy medium of checking in on him without sounding accusatory.
I guess it’s time to outsource drop-off to my husband, who is a far better communicator than me, and also has less anxiety about this in general.
Anon says
I’m a MESS at drop off and pick up. I cannot get my act together to get good information from the teachers. The teacher that I was on best terms with, when there was a relatively quiet moment at pick up, I confessed this to her. I made it all about me. “I’m such a mess and not good at communicating at all. But I really do want to hear about Kid’s day! Is there a better way for me to check in with you guys, so you don’t think I’m psycho? Should I email? Text? What is the easiest for YOU?” Then I repeated this with each of the teachers.
They all said text because they can do it on their break, but they’re not allowed to have phones in the room. So I offered (and they were very happy) to go to the Director and advocate for teachers getting phones during the day. I said at 20 kids in a class, with 3 teachers, at most you’ve got a half hour for each teacher to text parents updates. I’m willing to deal with the minor decrease in oversight for increased communication, but check with other parents. They were all on board, and the policy changed within the week.
Now I get text messages throughout the day, sometimes even with pictures. The teachers are happy because the new policy makes their lives easier. And I get much better reports on Kid’s day, and can actually process the info, and can even partner better with the teachers.
Anon says
That’s really helpful – thank you!! The head teacher texted me once when I requested a check-in, so maybe I’ll ask her if she’s open to more frequent updates.
Anonymous says
I was the poster at 11:01. I think more than updates by text or pickup/dropoff, I would see if you could sit down for 15 minutes with a teacher at a time that works for the teacher/school to talk collaboratively and figure out 1) if there is actually a problem, and 2) what you and they should be doing to address it. I’m sure the school can arrange it. Pickups and dropoffs are hectic, and I also don’t like to raise issues about my son in front of my son. Kids pick up on everything. (Once my mom sort of ripped my head off once for telling someone about my son, “Oh, he’s shy,” because I think she did that with me and it became self-fulfilling, and now I always catch myself!)
Anonymous says
Have you tried role playing different scenarios with him?
I did this with my 4 year old when she didn’t like if other kids colored on her paper? She was astounded when I explained that she could say “Don’t color on my paper” to them just like she would to her little brothers. We role played it with each of us taking turns saying the assertive phrase.
Try something like that with your son. Help him practice different scenarios.
Anon says
I like that – thanks. He’s always struggled to be assertive, and it’s a good life skill for him to have!
PatsyStone says
That’s such a good idea. I could have really benefited from practicing being assertive when I was young. I was super sensitive and turned it all inside and everything built up into huge anxieties. Hugs to OP mom and kid both.
Erin S says
Can I get a sanity check please? I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being “crazy” (which is completely plausible, ha). I have a 19 month old daughter. I am currently pregnant with our second, a boy. :) I live in a city so we have a relatively small condo. No basement or attic or really a ton of storage. Now that I know we have number two coming and I know he’s a boy, any big ticket items we purchase, I want to make sure it’s gender neutral. I don’t have room to store two sets of everything.
Ok now that you have the background, the situation is that my in laws (who also live in our city and watch our daughter once or twice a week) bought her a pink car (like a large car that’s kind of like a wagon where she can sit in it and someone pulls her around). This is the dumbest idea in the world to me b/c (1) it’s pink so it’s not something that could easily be used by the baby boy in the future, (2) I live in the midwest and it’s getting cold outside so she’s not going to be using it for more than like a month), (3) when she can use it again in the spring, the baby will be here so I’m not sure how I’m going to pull her around in the car and have the baby (I know I can babywear but then I won’t have a stroller to be able to put the diaper bag in it, etc.) Anyways I told my in laws to exchange the pink car for a red car so it would be gender neutral. I think they’re p*ssed at me now.
I guess my question is how do you control, or is it even possible to control, the items that in laws buy for your kids? Is it just not a battle worth fighting over? All of the clutter in our condo just stresses me out and gives me anxiety!
Anonymous says
If it were my parents, I would just explain why this wouldn’t work for me, and they wouldn’t be offended. I don’t know if I could do the same with my in-laws, but I would probably make my husband do it (or just let the item disappear). But even if they get offended, I would just deal with it. Having two little kids in the city is hard enough. Being hobbled by a silly transportation device is not an option.
What if they keep it at their apartment or house and it can be a special thing for them to drag her around in when she visits them? Everyone wins?
Erin S says
Lol at “being hobbled by a silly transportation device is not an option”! So true!!
I love the idea of asking them to keep it at their house! They live in the city but more on the outskirts so they have a larger house and TONS of storage and a backyard.
Betty says
Living in the city with small kids requires vigilance on what is brought into the house/condo, which my in-laws never understood. They bought my then 9 month old a table and chairs set, and we had no where to put it. I would agree to having a talk with them about this kind of stuff (preferably have your husband do it). Another way to fend off this fight is to give them a list of desire items (museum passes, things that don’t take up room).
On a completely different note, I do want to say that my oldest (a boy) received hand-me-downs from his older female nieces, including a pink and purple tricycle. I have no problem with him using and loving the tricycle. I know that this gets into personal and gender politics, but teaching a little boy that there is room for other than the “typical male” blue/red is the flip side to teaching our little girls that they can be strong and embrace typically male things.
Anon says
I so appreciate the addition of the end of your post. I’m the poster above with the son who’s having a hard time at school right now. He was laughed at for wearing something that he absolutely loved and picked on his own, but was hot pink and called “girly” by the other kids. Now, that’s a me issue — I believe every family in my son’s class can teach their kids whatever they want, but it’s hard when you see unintended lessons have consequences (knowing the parents in question, I actually doubt they have any idea that this all went down). Candidly, I also didn’t buy hot pink things for my son until he was old enough to ask for them directly, so I understand wanting to not affirmatively purchase bright pink baby stuff. But, I would have a hard time not letting my kids use a hand me down bike that isn’t blue or whatever. Respectfully and gently, kids absorb this stuff, and even if it’s not your kid, it may be your best friend’s kid or whatever who is picked on for preferring the pink!
Mrs. Jones says
Just leave it at their house. I do this with annoying toys that my MIL buys our son, so I don’t have to deal with them at our house.
AnonOther says
For gifts like this, I usually thank the giver genuinely for thinking of my child, and then move it on when I can (re-sell, donate, or whatever). Life is too short, and I’ve discovered a non-cluttered space is pretty essential to my mental health. Great idea for it to live at their house too.
Also, my oldest son who have vastly preferred a pink push car to a red or blue one, so there’s always that.
Erin S says
You ladies are completely right about having boys play with pink/purple things. I definitely agree! Thanks for the reminder!
Katala says
Plus, less than 100 years ago it was pink for boys and blue for girls, so I say let kids like whatever colors they like!
http://jezebel.com/5790638/the-history-of-pink-for-girls-blue-for-boys
anon says
+1 – in my experience little boys love pink until they start hearing messages to the contrary, which is hopefully beyond the age where this toy would be used anyway.
Lyssa says
Congrats on your son! I think that it’s worth keeping in mind that boys really aren’t going to care about pink for a while. I’m definitely not the sort of person who’s going to deliberately try to mix up gender-specific things to prove some social point or anything, but my in-laws a few months ago bought my baby girl a pink umbrella stroller, and we just go ahead and let our son (almost 4) ride in it if he wants to without worrying about it. He doesn’t realize that it’s girlish, and we’re not about to tell him. (I sort of expected my husband, who’s pretty conservative, to complain, but he hasn’t said a word.) Same with her other girly toys. By the time he’s old enough to realize that the car is girly, it will be old enough that you can get rid of it without guilt.
anne-on says
+1 to the suggestion to have it live at your in-laws house. I am also BRUTAL about paring down/tossing out toys and junk we don’t need. After 7 yrs of marriage they have finally begun to stop buying cheap dollar store toys and huuuuge items we don’t want.
Anon says
We live in the suburbs, but it’s not a mansion. Apparently none of the grandparents got that message at first, because each one needed to buy BIG TICKET ITEMS that took up a ton of space, like a play kitchen and a drum set and a play tent and one of those pop-up tunnel things. All in one Christmas. For a 6 month old.
We each talked to our own parents, but laid down the law. We will do an Amazon Wish List and share it with them. If they go off the list, that’s fine, but we reserve the right to donate it before it even gets in our house. (I barely have time to go to the dentist, I’m not doing a garage sale or consignment shop.) It’s been hard, because of course it would be great to have the play workbench, but we literally do not have room for it. So I try to think of the Goodwill family who will love it and enjoy it. But ugh. So wasteful.
ChiLaw says
Leaving big/annoying/loud things at the grandparents’ house can be a great thing! My girl loves to go to her grandparents’ house, and when I ask why, she says “TOYS!” :-)
Eileen says
I just sent our bi-annual “Please do not get us big things without checking” holiday email (other goes out around birthday time) to my parents and my in laws. We live in a small apartment and we’re also expecting #2. We have to be ruthless about bringing in what my friend calls “suburban house toys”. I wouldn’t stress so much about the color (my son plays with plenty of pink things), but don’t be afraid to lay down some boundaries about big stuff.
Anonymous says
Do you talk to your little kids about race? We live in the suburbs of DC, and while some of the kids and teachers at my kids’ daycare are of different races, they live in a pretty lily-white world. The other day I was reading a book to my 4-year-old son, and there was a picture of the author on the back, who was black. He said something along the lines of, “why does she have dark skin? I like light skin better.” Then we talked about how he know people who have darker skin and people who have lighter skin, and how they are all friends, and how the color of your skin, eyes, hair, etc. doesn’t matter–what matters is whether you are nice, etc. That was that, but I was a bit worried. At the same time, I don’t want to make into a big deal. How do others approach this kind of thing?
Erin S says
Anonymous, I probably would have done just what you did. I think you handled it perfectly. My daughter is a little young to understand such things (she’s 19 months) but I think I would have handled it the way that you did. My situation is also a little different b/c I am a minority but my husband is white. We have a latina nanny and live in a pretty diverse area.
I think another thing you can do since you live in a “lily white world” is buy books, toys, dolls etc that feature people of different races. My daughter has a white doll and an Asian doll right now but I really want to get her a black doll too. I think just doing things like that – trying incorporate more color into his every day life as best as you can will be a positive step to take.
lsw says
Are there any baby books people can recommend? My current favorite is Everywhere Babies, which has a great diversity among illustrations, but I’d love some recommended baby books with people of color as the hero/main character.
Laura K says
I’m not sure about books for babies, but I like the websites “what we do all day” and “a mighty girl” for book lists by topic. On the mighty girl site you can sort by age.
Laura K says
Link for sample booklist from what we do all day blog.
http://www.whatdowedoallday.com/2015/08/picture-books-that-teach-kids-to-combat-racism.html
Erin S says
lsw this book came to mind, it’s one of my daughter’s favorites and there are lots of minorities in it:
https://www.amazon.com/Kiss-Means-Love-You/dp/0807541893
It’s not about diversity or anything but it’s just a “normal” book that happens to feature diverse people.
Anonymous says
also:
10 little fingers and 10 little toys
Corduroy
lsw says
Thank you!
Anon says
I can’t remember where I got this list, but for my 1 and 3 year old, we bought:
The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler
The Colors of Us by Karen Katz
We’re Different, We’re the Same by Sesame Street
Whoever You Are by Mem Fox
Shades of Black by Sandra Pinkney
Babyfaces board books (Splash and Smile are good)
And of course, Ada Twist Scientist by Andrea Beaty (as part of that whole series, which I LOVE).
I will say, the diverse baby dolls and toys have made a big impact too. My son carries around our black baby doll and calls it his baby. I hope that is subconsciously sinking in for a variety of reasons.
PhilanthropyGirl says
I’d add The Paperboy – while it doesn’t address race, the main character is African American. Also Amazing Grace – which I believe addresses both race and gender issues.
My 2 YO likes The Paperboy, but Amazing Grace is a little out of his league still.
Anonymous says
This reminds me of how my dolls growing up were the hispanic ones. B/c “white,” back then, did not include brown eyes or brown hair.
anon says
For somewhat older kids, Ezra Jack Keats
Momata says
We live in a diverse area – many of our neighbors and friends are black, and our kids see POC in the store, at the zoo, etc. There are a few kids OC at daycare (although not as many as are in our neighborhood) and many of the teachers are black or Hispanic. My 3yo hasn’t said anything about anyone’s race yet, so I haven’t said anything either. I think you handled that moment well but I might suggest some more purposeful exposure. Could you start reading more books featuring POC (and other sources of diversity such as socioeconomic status)? The Snowy Day and Cordoroy come to mind.
Anonymous says
Yes, that makes sense. OP here. We love Snowy Day, but I will look into other books with main characters of different races. We started reading Ada Twist, Scientist, and no comments there about skin color… And I it’s not as if my kids are totally unexposed (they are a quarter Latin American, and they have aunts and uncles of different races, after all), but I was really caught off guard, and obviously have a raw nerve and a greater sense of responsibility on this front after the election.
JayJay says
So, I’ve been pretty open that I’m (relatively, I guess?) lax about screen time. My boys LOVE Doc McStuffins and they just accept at face value that the characters are African-American and the mom is a doctor. I like that.
Famouscait says
My son has just gotten interested in Sesame Street, and I’m pleasantly reminded of how diverse the cast is, especially in the older, original episodes.
lsw says
Two post-partum body change questions-
1) Dry skin help?!? After enjoying normal skin during pregnancy, I think I’m actually worse off than I was before. My skin is impossibly dry. I’m using hand cream after every hand wash (I work in a hospital setting so our hand soaps are really harsh), and I’m using lotion after every shower, but it’s not enough. Is there anything internal I can do – a supplement or something? I’m hesitant to use oil in the shower because it’s so slippery, and I don’t have time for oil to absorb into my skin between shower and getting dressed (that’s what I used to do).
2) My hair, my hair….I know some hair loss is to be expected, but I actually have a receding hairline. There’s about a half inch on my forehead where the hair is extremely sparse. It’s REALLY noticeable. My question is two fold – one, do I have any hope of it coming back? And two, is there something I can do in the interim? It looks terrible (to me, my husband, god bless him, says it’s not that noticeable).
Anon says
For 1, I shower every other day. I slather my entire body in thick lotion after every shower. We have a large humidifier running in our house all winter.
And for 2, I went half bald after I had my daughter. Clumps and handfuls of hair coming out for 3 months straight (approx 3-6 months postpartum). I had a receding hairline on both temples. When I look at pictures now, it looks shocking. BUT. It did grow back. And that time period was so awful, because I had weird, untamed, short patches of hair growing back and there were six new gray hairs. I eventually got bangs to make the growing back section less noticeable. Now, it’s totally back to normal and my “bangs” are below my chin. Ugh. It was so dreadful. Biotin helps. You will get back to normal.
Momata says
For 2: I suffered the same problem. It has grown back. I have no help for the balding period, but for the growing-back period, I got a keratin treatment and it helped the short pieces lay flat instead of sticking out sideways.
Anon in NYC says
Re 2, had the same issue. I looked bald in photos. Eventually it did start to grow back in. I’ve had to contend with short hairs sort of halo-ing my face for a while, but they’re getting longer. I hope that they continue to grow in quickly… just in time for pregnancy #2!
EB0220 says
I know we’ve said it a million times here, but hair loss can be a sign of thyroid problems. Since thyroid issues are very prevalent postpartum you may want to get checked.
NewMomAnon says
+1 to suggestion to get this checked. Dry skin is also a sign of thyroid problems.
lsw says
I did not know that – thank you! I do remember people mentioning the thyroid thing before but didn’t realize both hair and dry skin could be symptoms.
mascot says
For dry skin, I find that CeraVe cream (not lotion) applied immediately after my shower when my skin is still damp helps. Also, make sure that you aren’t taking too hot of shower.
NewMomAnon says
Other options: a moisturizing body wash (Aveeno makes one), and hydrocortisone cream on any really bad problem spots. Have you tried coconut oil?
Also consider slathering in lotion one more time each day; I found that it was really effective to apply lotion and then immediately put on pajamas and socks before bed (I shower in the morning). They also have those socks and mittens to help hold the moisturizer on your skin.
lsw says
Thank you all for the suggestions and commiseration. I’m glad to know I won’t look bald forever.
Betty says
The day of my son’s latest round of testing the doc told us we would have results by today (one week). I was just told that it will not be until the end of this week. UUGGHHH. Three more days. It’s tough to be productive while waiting for test results, but we have been in this testing limbo for over a month (three separate tests/procedures). I feel like I should have acclimated to this level of uncertainty and anxiety, but it never gets easier.
NewMomAnon says
Hugs. No, it will never get easier, especially when it’s about your kiddo’s health and well being – I feel like this winter is one long test of my daughter’s asthma, and so far results are inconclusive which is worse than “bad” or “all better,” somehow. Here’s hoping for news that at least brings you a path forward.